I don’t know if it’s that weird really. I notice I do this a lot in Japan. I’ll walk up to a new place with the full intent of walking in and I’ll find myself walking past the door almost reflexively, sort of trying to pass it off like I’m just looking. I’ll usually stop a few stores up, pull out my phone to play it off or something and then turn around and make another attempt at going in. Usually it works and I can walk in as long as it’s not an especially intimidating looking place. I know it based on anxiety but I also think it’s a practical matter of, my brain wanting more information about what’s going to happen when I open the door and walk in. I find that after the first pass, my brain can sort of put together a rough idea of the vibe and what to expect, is it crowded or not? Is there someone at the front to greet people or not? It seems like having even just a few of those gaps filled in helps lower the hurdle of walking in. There’s the whole idea of 入りづらい雰囲気、so I don’t think this general feeling is actually that rare
I'm really glad you spoke up on this and showed your vulnerable side. As men, specifically, it's difficult to even say the words, "I'm lonely" or "I feel lonely". And by you speaking about your experience and thoughts encourages other men. It's definitely not an easy time right now and like another commenter has mentioned, there's a world wide loneliness epidemic going on. I'm not sure what the solution is, but even talking about it is a good first step.
I moved to Japan almost 2 years ago from the US. I have also been feeling increasingly lonely and developed similar social anxiety issues since moving here. You’re not alone. I find that doing the things I’m afraid of despite my fear helps me gain the confidence to deal with similar situations in the future. I hope you find the sense of community you’re looking for through your channel. Keep moving forward and you’ll eventually reach your goals.
If your lifes like this, the best advice I will share is this: get out of the house even when you feel the most to stay home, for most days. For everyday it helps alleviate rut, for long term it will develop one socially.
You’re a brave man being so open and vulnerable about your life in Japan. I hope you get positive responses rather than attracting the trolls. Good luck
It feels like no matter where you are on the planet everyone’s sharing similar problems. I live currently in the Balkans and I keep watching these videos considering to move somewhere, to break the monotony of life. I make good money but I feel like I’d even accept less just to be happier and more satisfied with day to day life. I am 31, feeling quite lonely myself, it’s very difficult to make friends at this age (seems anything after university is hard to make friends), so I fully get you.
Hi William, I just happened to watch some of your videos for the first time last night thanks to the RUclips algorithm, I thought they were great and you got a good perspective that is worth sharing. I've been in Japan for 3 months, just visiting my wife's family with our newborn though - I'll be heading home in a week. I just wanted to say as someone who got help with my own anxiety disorder back when I was 24... while listening to your stream of consciousness I think you may have something similar for the simple fact that you feel like your anxiety is a roadblock. I can't recommend talking to a (good) therapist enough, it changed my life. Don't be afraid to let your friends and family know about how you feel and bounce off them why you feel this way like you did in this video - it certainly made sense to me and resonated with my own story. Keep pushing yourself forward William, you'll get through this.
Thank you! I really appreciate your thoughts on this. In my day to day life I actually dont feel to bad about this. It's just strange that a whole piece of society seems locked off to me if that makes sense; it's not ideal. I will see about talking to some professional as well
Thank you for sharing this, I've been feeling quite isolated as well. I've been living here for almost 3 years now but it's been hard to create new friendships as an adult. Something about realizing that I don't know what is appropriate in a situation and that it can't be helped, makes me anxious. As time passes you just get presented with more and more situations like that, overcoming it does connect to growth but it can be quite overwhelming. I'm around Tokyo as well, let's meet up sometime!
You're definitely not the only one ! Moving to Japan was part of going over it and got better by just trying things out. The fear is still there but moving one step at a time helps. Not sure if that s a way to overcome it but wanted to say you're definitely not alone in this!
As an American living in NYC without many outgoing friends here, I feel like you've just put many of my thoughts into words. I'm "introverted", but I also want to go out, meet people, and make new friends. It's just hard to find the motivation to do that alone, as much as I hype myself up to do it. I think one mindset that might help while living in a city is to just try to remember you're a small fish in a big pond. It's easy to feel like all eyes are on you, but realistically everyone is caught up in their own lives, and most strangers won't remember you or see you ever again. It's easier (at least for me) to socialize and make friends when you realize there aren't any real consequences to trying other than those you impose on yourself. Nothing will change unless you try. I hope you make some good friends in Japan over this next year, you are a kind and thoughtful person with a good heart. Happy new year!
Hang in there William - it does get better. - Marc - from Georgia USA 'Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.'
I know what you're going through. I lived in Tokyo for 6 years, so I've been through it too. I was lucky because about halfway though my studies, I met another foreigner, same age range as me, and who studies in the same tech sector so I was lucky to find a good buddy. one way to make friends is to take up all kinds of hobbies, and also to overcome your fear to go watch a movie alone or to go eat alone.. that is one way to meet and make new friends.. Go to the beach man! alone! I've met tons of people that way, just wandering, you'll meet and start a conversation with someone and eventually join their BBQ.. Chigasaki, Zushi, Enoshima.. walk the beach and you'll meet people. I always say "YES" to anyone who invites me to some occasion even if it sounds boring, I said yes, so I went to all kinds of events. I also joined a hiking group, we would go hiking to mountains, they were all japanese but some had cars allowed me to go places that you normally couldn't go.. I took up kyudo, tried that a little while was fun, also allows you to meet people I used to ride my bike everywhere in Tokyo too. For instance, running around, following the Yamanote took me about 3 hours, sometimes I did that, so it allowed me to discover lots of new places in Tokyo. Incidentally this very thing also affects gaijin women in Japan, but it is also difficult for women to meet guys too, so doubly depressing for gaijin girls.. So much harder for girls to meet and make friends, to join a group or circle because guys will always try to hit on them. Cheer up, you are in a position that so many in the world envy, so enjoy it, because one day it will end and you will look back on this time as the happiest time of your life.
Anxiety is rough. One time at 19 I had random social anxiety take over my life for a year, something I had previously never experienced in my life. Meeting friendly people eventually brought me out of it, but definitely wish I'd had enough money to speak with a therapist at that time. Great to have someone to talk to.
I'm not in japan, but if I was I would definitely seek out someone like you as a friend. You come across as very articulate and friendly and introspective. In this video you identified what you saw as your main issue, of not being comfortable going into places on your own. I think you should set yourself challenges. Maybe go to a mall and walk past all the stores and figure out which ones make you more or less comfortable. I'm sure you can work through this!
Hello bro , you're story exactly matches from my life also somewhat 90% and i think we will be a great friend in future until i arrive in japan seeing forward to be a great friend 🙂
Software engineer in the US here who has struggled with that somewhat. Something that helped was thinking about the experience of arriving somewhere earlier than my friends. I used to wait in the car so we'd all go in together but I eventually forced myself to go in, grab a table, look over the menu, check out the vibes, and be a bit more present. I haven't solved this problem entirely, but reflecting on how that is pretty similar to just going alone helps. Plus, if you're on your own you can sit at the bar and chat up the person behind the counter who is likely to have stories about interesting clientele.
I'm sorry your're having a rough time. Trauma and anxiety suck! I also have dealt with anxiety from childhood bullying. I've done a few years of talk therapy, and it helped me deal with trauma a little bit, but I wasn't healing as fast as I'd hoped. I had a huge breakthrough when my newest therapist recommended a technique called brain spotting, and wow, that really helped! It's basically just going into a light meditative/hypnotic state, and facing the trauma with total peace and clarity. That technique helped much more than just talk therapy. I don't know anything about therapy, but that really helped me. I wish you good luck!
Not sure if same, but at least similar. What happens in my case is that I go through a sort of mix of panic (kind of fight or flight reaction) and distancing myself of others in those situations, in contrast to how it can be with people I'm comfortable with. What I have done for it is therapy and practice. Practice being aware of how you feel before/during/after the situations, practice calming yourself down, practice realizing when bad intrusive thoughts happen, practice realizing that those thoughts are a bad habit of my mind exagerating. You will realize that with practice you get better at being relaxed and not producing bad intrusive thoughts, I've been working on this during this year and it's working really well. I'm still not good at meeting people, but at least I can do it slowly. I believe some of this might apply to you, but I think it's valuable the general idea of being aware of your emotions and seeking being relaxed and with as little worrying (and other bad) thoughts as possible. And of course I recomend finding therapy that works for you.
I had the same problem as you when I'm in college, but once I stopped worrying about what people thought of me and started talking to strangers the same way I talk to friends or family, I made a lot of new friends.
You're right. I feel like I'm able to see things objectively; I know other people don't actually care what I'm doing and so I shouldn't think about it. For some reason I haven't been able to act how I want to yet though 🙃
@@william_in_japan Unfortunately anxiety and mental health isn't logical you can't rationalise it away that easily, if it was we wouldn't need medication and counselling right.
I have a wife and two children… I gathered from your videos you also have a child and a job etc… I’m surprised you have time to wonder about stuff like this. I’m just too busy to go places without my family anyway… You seem like a very thoughtful and wholesome person. Good that you are figuring things out you might struggle with! Happy new year!
for me it was the opposite when I came to japan. Normally I cannot push myself to go out and talk to new people but when I came to japan I found it way easier. Way easier probably felt like a semi social anxious person haha. It was probably the fact that I was speaking a foreign language in a foreign setting to people that looked nothing like me that made it easier for me.
Play up the gaijin pass man and talk to people as much as you can. I found Japanese people very curious and friendly and especially with your language level most of the society thats locked off from others is open to you!
I really relate with this type of anxiety you described here. One strategy that may work is becoming a regular at some bars or restaurants that you particularly enjoy regardless if they're crowded or have no customers at all. For example I have places where I enjoy the music and places where they serve alcohol that I really dig(nihonshu/shochu in my case). At least you'll have someone that knows you behind the counter, and eventually meet people as you spend time there. Another way may be seeking out or slowly creating a community for a hobby you enjoy. Anyways, happy new years, really enjoying the videos.
I'm spending the holidays right now in Japan, you have made me considering seriously if living here was s real thing or an idealization that i had, thank you for that
I've had similar feelings, in my case I think I have been slowly fading, some of the things you mentioned I was worried too but now I don't care anymore, I made up my mind thinking that it's not for me for better or for worse, but the feeling of missing some company even as a nostalgic thing remains :(
To be fair, I think I would have these issues anywhere. I think in my home town it would be better, but it is a small community. Any place that is unfamiliar to me can be challenging. You may do better than me! Glad you are considering things though
I struggle with mental health, honestly Japan has saved my life. I’ll support your channel and others will too. We don’t always have to agree on everything. Personally being in Canada around people who are very loud (vocally and opinion wise) was killing me. Especially when the work culture is built on being socially friendly if you want to be successful, which scares me A LOT. I agree, being a foreigner is a good ice-breaker. I’m trying to start my own little community too and maybe we can both feel less guilty since we’re using each other for content haha. I’m in Hokkaido, not sure where you are but even discord could work. Maybe less planning is better, I’m not sure what causes my worries too - i fear going to places without my gf in Japan (though im very basic at japanese and need to practice more often.) Even mcdonalds seems like too much. Introvertedness or whatever it is, maybe we can talk more about it. Let me know if you're interested! no rush! I believe in you, William! Haha realized we have similar names too 😂 Good luck!
Hey WIlliam! A fan from California, here. I also have the desire for friendship, but end up feeling far too anxious to visit new places or meet new people without significant preparation. I've found that talk therapy, medication (I take Propranolol), and TMS therapy helps. The propranolol I take reduces my heart rate and that calms my anxiety down significantly. I also was recently diagnosed with ADHD and Autism, both of which are commonly found to be comorbid with anxiety. Being comfortable in normal places, but extremely anxious in new places is something I've discovered is personally linked to my autism. What I usually do to prepare myself is 1. plan at least a day or 2 ahead of time where I'm going to go, 2. look at pictures of the new place so that it's less unfamiliar, 3. read reviews of the location, 4. wear noise-cancelling headphones when I go to the place. It's crazy how wearing noise cancelling earphones/headphones makes new, scary places so much more bearable. You might also try wearing your favorite, most comfortable sweater when you go somewhere new. I have one with an interesting knit-texture that I can fidget with or squeeze the cuffs of when I get too nervous. Grounding yourself when you get real nervous helps a lot. Good luck, fellow anxiety haver!
I am your polar opposite. I love doing things alone because that's my entire personality. I even went to Japan's countryside for a 2-week holiday alone just to capture photos (im a hobbyist photographer) But I completely understand the feeling overwhelmed going out of your comfort zone / breaking the routine. In my case, going to a large group social gatherings. I get you brother. I guess one way to cope is just do it but gradually. When you want to try something, give yourself some time to try it until you get used to it. By the way your channel is great mate, I'm on the Infrastructure (Network) but I still find the discussions here very insightful.
I relate a lot to that problem with going to restaurants / using services alone. In my case there's no real trauma but I have this irrational fear that I will use the service wrong in a way that will irritate staff or other customers, or in the worst case be mistaken for stealing. I have had instances where staff got angry at me for not knowing the different drink sizes in Starbucks for example, or not understanding bus routes etc. so it's not completely unfounded but yeah.
Thanks for sharing. I'm no expert but it sounds like you're par for the course as a young adult leaving home for the first time. It sounds like you're good at showing yourself some grace so keep it up! Maybe you're exactly where you're meant to be. You seem very level-headed so I bet you'll find an attack strategy soon that leads to more thriving :) I'm proud of you!
I never thought about it before, but I do also experience very strong anxiety when I even think about going to a new place, and even when traveling alone I will feel stressed if there are strangers around me. I personally don’t have this problem of yours of being hindered by my anxiety much, simply because I don’t think about it that much. I don’t know if this is helpful, but maybe your are building it up too much in your head beforehand, and that actually makes you feel even more anxious. Maybe start with something simple and spontaneous, like dropping by a bar before going home from work. Don’t try to have a great night or anything, just go in, drink a beer, then leave. Sorry if I couldn’t be more helpful, but I don’t think you are broken, I think this is something you can do, no problem.
Hearing this is so interesting. Aside from the notable bullying past, I'm like this to a t (tee? tea? lol). And it's frustrating. It's hard to love the life I want and believe in. There was a moment in my life where I first found out/realized I was socially anxious, and man it was a shock. I had never been in a situation to know because I was with friends 100% of the time I was out of my house, aside from coffee shops (safe haven for me). I love being with people and hate "wasting" experiences that I can't share with another person. Once someone talks to me I'm an open book, but speak to someone first? My body would never let it happen, as much as I fight it. I also am fluent in Japanese, lived here for 9 years, and admittedly have a lot of friends but they're 99% met through other friends. Japan definitely makes anxiety and timidity worse in my experience. So much that I have to somewhat "mourn" the self I could have been by now if I stayed home or went to Kansai or Okinawa instead of here. I'd be down to hang and talk about this or whatever. (Self-employed, 34M btw) I'm in southern Kanagawa but Tokyo is just a train or two away. LMK 🤙🏽
William, don't sweat the small stuff!!! You sell yourself short and missing out. I am a Retired Veteran and live here since 2016. You are level headed and have goals!!!! Keep it up and do not give up!!!!! Oh if you miss american food that much, I can sign you onto Yokota AFB by Fussa Station. You are more than welcome to reach out to me anytime. I do have a wealth of knowledge. God Bless and best wishes! Happy New Year!!!! V/R Matthew
First, 明けましておめでとうございます！You've got it, realizing you're not feeling 100% alright is a first huge step that not everyone is able to do. I think that in Japan, being a gaijin will create some social anxiety for anyone but the biggest extravert! Being "simply" more on the introvert side I have never really fallen into anxiety so I can't fully grasp what you're going through, but in Japan I managed to create some good friendships both at work and through random strangers next to our group at a Hanami (yep, can't make it more cliche than that!). Alcool definitely helps in Japan, even if you don't really drink much, go to a place when japanese people will be drunk :) Multiplying the encounters will surely let you create some friendships even in really unexpected situations. ... With a caveat that my going out experience is from a few years ago now, it may have changed a little bit.
I think the factors of your upbringing, being in a foreign country, and other factors are likely right on the nose. I'm not in the same situation, but I moved several states away from my hometown last year for work following college, and it's been hard to make friends here too. I know two people here from college who I hang out with once every few months with some of their local friends, but that's the best I've managed. I'm far away from more populated areas so it's hard to meet people but I also just find it hard to make the effort. I consider myself to be introverted to a degree, but I think in reality most people eventually crave human friendship and companionship no matter what. I can't say I have the answer for your plight. But like you said, I think retracing your steps back to comfortable places alone that you've been to before and try to have comfort in doing that part, even if it doesn't translate to speaking to and meeting people right away. A lot of advice I've been given for my situation is to look for groups that do some activity regularly that you can involve yourself with. I think with the culture in Japan this will be harder than it would be in America but it's worth a shot!
I have the same social anxiety due to being heavily bullied for a few years in school. Bullying was much more severe than in your case. (lol, look at me flexing) It ended with high school graduation, so that's when I started slowly recovering. But the rest of my life was substantially influenced by that, and on the internet you can find countless stories like mine. I've become a shut-in person for years, missing on a lot of good stuff in my 20s. But as years went by I was too fed up with my anxieties so I was just forcing myself to uncomfortable situations and life choices more and more, eventually adapting to them and partially healing from all that damage that school did. Eventually I went to work in Asia and found Asia to be much better suited for socially damaged guys like me. It helped me to heal even more, change my perspective for lots of things, build up confidence and blissful openness to the world. The craziest thing is that I, after all those years and changes, same as you, still get anxious about meeting new people, going to events alone or even some days I may have really terrible feeling about leaving my home at all. And I found that I cannot completely eradicate this deeply-rooted anxiety. But I've learned to manage it and I know that whenever I push past it - in the vast majority of cases only good things come out of it. So I learned to "trust the process" or "trust the leap of faith" or whatever we can call it - most of the time, pushing past irrational fears, I get huge wins, so I just kind of know that it's always worth it by now. I found your channel because in the last year I've been contemplating moving to Japan a lot. I feel like I'm well equipped to live there but still have doubts as I'm not that young anymore and have career concerns as well as some other things. As a fellow expat, I've also experienced loneliness and other typical stuff that hits expats, especially in Asia. So I understand your situation very well. I didn't expect to see such video from you, but it deeply resonated with me, hence the comment. Funny thing is, for such topic a simple advice or experience sharing is not of much help at all, as we all have to work with our demons by ourselves, but hey, at least you know you're not alone in that.
Yeah, it's embarrassing to go over personal issues in public, so I wouldn't blame you for deleting this later. lol I'm basically the exact same as you described, except I let it progress to the point of having panic attacks. Going to a counselor is something I advise, it helps to have someone assess your condition and give your real guidance. But if you don't take control of anxiety it can interrupt your life (as it is now), cause you to lose your job, etc. I could say a lot more, but I'll just say ensure that you're getting proper vitamins and nutrition- run a blood test if you need to- but common deficiencies can lead to anxiety or depression. Ensure that you're getting adequate sleep, at least 8 hours while "recovering" from anxiety. And start doing a strenuous workout. Endorphins are amazing.
I've been in Japan since October and while I already had some social anxiety before, being in a new country does take it's tow on us in this regard. While in my case there still is a language barrier (I am a language student) I found myself standing in front of restaurants for half an hour before going in (or going home). Which is obviously not good. Sometimes we feel the need to classify ourselves as introverts or extroverts, but we are not 100% of one. Nor are we the same all the time. I think that just like being comfortable alone is a skill that can be developed, being comfortable around strangers is also a skill that we can work on. We already have the first one covered, now we just need to be patient with ourselves as we work on the other one. I'm still trying to learn that myself so I don't have any specific tips, but we do what we can each day.
you get better at feeling comfortable with new experiences the more you do it, some people just had more autonomy in their childhood so it's natural to them, others have break into it after adulthood which is harder imo it helps to not think of it as an anxiety issue, but a comfort issue, and you can only get more comfortable with more exposure, no amount of planning or prep changes this just accept you won't be comfortable and it's then easier to bare the discomfort, discomfort is only unbearable when you're in a mindset of seeking and expecting comfort
Hey bro, hang in there! I feel the same way sometimes. When I go to events here in Germany as an East Asian expat, I feel like I don't really belong there. Man, I really wish we could grab a beer or two and hangout together in Tokyo 😔😔 I wanna move to Japan as a dev after my graduate studies in April. Anyways, best of luck, man! You're not alone 💪
One major issue is foreigners with issues going to Japan. Issues need to be dealt with back home. And those people may find out that once their mental health improves, they lose interest in Japan. Japan is far from serving as "medicine." It will normally amplify one's problems.
I don’t know how old you are, this is just the second video I watched. I’m 42 and in Japan for 16 years. Maybe it’s age 😅but even when I was 26 and the first time here I realized quickly doing things alone is not as stigmatized as back home in Germany. Take it as an opportunity, if you can or want to try, to get comfortable with being alone. Not because you will be alone in the world but in a sense to be your best friend first. The Japan low is something i witnessed more times that i can count. With myself, other long term residents and even longtime travelers. I think it’s very normal especially with younger people like yourself. I’m not sure where you are but it would be great to connect and maybe even meet. Your doing 👍 good.
I feel it's easier to go to places related to hobbbies you're excited about, or a place to learn something new where the activity is the focus rather than meeting the people. Meeting the people comes naturally when doing an activity. If not the first time, then maybe the second or 5th time. So I'd suggest finding an activity, becoming a regular there and slowly you'll notice you're meeting people. If that activiy is not working after a couple of months or you're not enjoying it, try another one.
Sounds familiar - social anxiety arising from fear of rejection or being judged negatively (is my speculation). There's no shame in having and constructively shating your vulnerabilities. I lived in Japan for 4 years around the turn of the century. I largely adopted my (awesome) wife's friends. Had one of my own (I don't need many - we still catch up whenever I'm in Japan). Before social media it was much harder to find groups but the best way I found was and continues to be to join groups that focus on mutual interests - e.g. camping / hiking, language, cooking, online gaming (was no such thing back then), community projects, the list goes on. Forming a quality circle of friends will largely be a numbers game. I'm heading back to Japan as where I was born squandered its part of the social contract (and I don't have Stockholm Syndrome). All the best with your journey.
I discovered your channel recently and I like your videos! I understand how you feel as I'm a foreigner living in Japan too and face social anxiety issues myself. I am far from an expert but maybe try finding circles/events that interest you(your hobbies etc) Especially if you pay for the event/meetup I think you may be more likely to commit. Just a thought though, taking a little advice from everyone in your audience and making your own decisions is best I think! Good luck :) Happy new year! May 2025 be a more sociable year for both of us!
I had developer friends tell me this, however, when I asked them, be honest, do you even care about visiting new places or would you rather just sit, code, and read...no surprises, they'd rather stay home.
The world has changed, alot of us are lonely now. I am nearly 40 and have been successful. Still feel very lonely, searching for the lifestyle I seen my father had.
Have a good year! I used to struggle with loneliness too when I was a teenager and an adult. As for me I don't really have any friends and I cant relate too much to my family in everything especially about my conversion to Christianity. God really helped me feel less alone. Maybe you could try that? Anyways I pray you find some friends that you can talk. You seem like a pretty genuine and nice guy so it should make it easier still not easy though. As for me you've earned my sub my friend and you don't need to try and be interesting I'll still listen to you. There's nothing wrong with using your platform to make friends either.
Respect brother, this is not an easy problem, but it's a common one. I've never had a close community, so 90% of my friends and interactions have been online since I was like 12, so I've always turned to that when I was lonely. Can't necessarily say it's healthy, but tbh when I do go to Japan one day, I'll probably end up fooling that too haha. Tho I should still try to be part of something
I did that just the other night. I found a really amazing si ger performing at shibuya. She had a show the other day on the 30th. Just one of those live clubs with a bunch of different artists. Took a 30 min train ride got to the door and just couldnt go in. I do it at resturants sometimes if I havent been there before
Thank you for sharing that! I hadn't heard of anyone I know with the same problem. Good to know I'm not alone in a way, but sucks that other people have to experience that too. I hope to overcome that kind of thing this next year.
@@william_in_japan Its weird cuz its not like i was anxious about it on the way there, I just didnt feel comfortable oing in. Its 90% because I speak japanese like a preschooler. I find it really hard to not care what people think and throw myself into a situation. If i feel like i cant navigate it socially i just have to avoid it.
Any weekend movie meetups nearby, or is that not a thing there? Volunteer tour guide in a specific area? Thinking of ideas to be a little social while always having a specific subject to talk about sober. Happy New Year!
On an unrelated note, I wish there was a channel on Element or some other platform except for Discord to hang out at. Discord has become an insufferable bugfest, as I saw you having a channel there I rushed to create an account for the n-th time but faced once again perplexing captchas coupled with other bugs
whenever i eat out alone enjoying the atmosphere, not using the phone what so ever. Cant help but feel i am the psycho here and feel the pressure from people around me.
Anyone can be lonely anywhere at anytime and you may find almost everything you need ( 'cept Tex-Mex food in you case) in this country, but one of things we don't have is a good quality professional mental care here in Japan. Two cents for anyone makes a life commitment.
I hear that re: not going to restaurants on your own. I'll go to the Trafford Centre a lot, near Manchester UK, but for the Odeon cinema within. There are a lot of restaurants in there, but while occasionally, I've gone to a fast-food place like KFC or Burger King, with a central seating area for all these places, but only once or twice have I actually gone in a restaurant proper on my own. Unless you're with someone - and that would only be if I'm dating someone at the time, it just feels weird in there on my own, and you only really have the phone for company. I definitely want to visit Tokyo this year, and I'm thinking around the Spring time. It would be my first time, but while being just North of 50, I do feel like a change in my life, since things feel like they've stagnated in the UK and I want to branch out and see something new, with Japan being a stunning and mostly safe (in terms of security) country by comparison to the UK.
Loneliness and anxiety is a real struggle. Hope you find something that works for you, but for me I am usually more pushed to do activities and go to places I truly want to. Like hobby events.
I too have this problem of going to some new place (to eat, for example). That’s why I almost always order takeouts. But sometimes I do have this mood, when I just bite the bullet and dive into some comfy looking place without thinking too much. And it always goes well, so I don’t even know why I’m like this 😅 when I went to Japan to vacation, there was also a huge problem that some of them have handwritten menus, that even Japanese people sometimes struggle to read, and I just don’t want to be a nuisance there.
Yeah, it can be too easy for me to slip into just eating alone every day. Doing everything privately. But I'm trying to make a point to do more and more things around others: eating, remote work, working out, etc. Being out and about doesn't mean I'll necessarily meet new people, but I sure won't meet them in my room 😂
Whenever I went to a new place I had a sporting interest which really helped. I would join a local club and throughout my life this has always been a source of friends, partners and even job opportunities. Do you have any hobbies?
Something to think about. None of us are born with a fear of heights, a fear of walking into a room alone, or a fear of darkness, etc. These are learned behaviors. With that in mind, they can be unlearned.
Organise 4 or 5 social activitys a week like its ur job. After a month u will have an idea what u want to do with ur time. This socialized me when in mid 20s. U just get more comfortable with people in different situations. People that arent famipy, regular friends or family seem to allow u to learn new social skills.
if you are genuinely making friend with your community, there is no "using" to worry about ; making friends is a natural part of human life, particularly at your age. When you reach 30-40 you tend to naturally have less friend because most people will be family oriented, that's how I see it. Besides you are good at japanese, just think how all of us feel going alone into a japanese restaurant while being bad at the language ! You have the language skill, don't forget that it will open you 1000 doors compared to other foreigners who don't. When you feel bad like this, it's because you got used to your strong points and just think they are "normal", they are not normal : you are a software engineer, and able to speak japanese pretty well. Thousands of people would dream to have these abilities ; that alone makes you interesting as a person. You have to focus on the fact that your current state/abilities are amazing, and build a future based on that. Right now you just need to focus on getting back your confidence by going through this brooding phase.
I think It depends on if it’s only in Japan or happens in your home country too. If it’s only in Japan, Maybe that is bc you stand out more as a foreigner and people make more attention to you.
Been hear around 3 years this time. But on and off before that. I mainly spent time with my wife and family but things have been rough so I've been needing to grow my social circle
I see. I personally think the three to five years in Japan is the make or break it. Most of my gaijin friends left after 2-3 years. I stayed. The longer I stuck it put my Japanese social circle started to expand. After 5 years I broke into a more Japanese life. Mostly from drinking but it helped a lot. In the end after 20 years I was totally in a Japanese world and had to make an effort to interact with other gaijin. I had to exit Japan during covid and now its super difficult to reintegrate back in US. I am fighting not going back as much as possible. Hang in there. Living abroad is not easy. You will find your way. It sounds like you speak Japanese well enough. I wound up making lots of Japanese friends in time.
Do you know any community of foreigners in Fukuoka? :( I have been here for around 8 months and I feel very lonely. I also have the same issues you described. I want to go out and make connections but I cannot do it anymore. I feel something stopping to enjoy myself and feel relaxed about it. I guess I might be very reserved to the extreme. I think I have a hard time trusting new people. I feel anxious to go out alone because everytime I go out I get stared at alot here in Fukuoka. I did not expect this when I moved here. I visited a lot of cities in Japan before moving but I never thought I d feel so much like an alien when I start living here. Happy new year as well ❤️🩹
Why you choose Fukuoka? There are lot of foreigners in some part of Tokyo and Kyoto so you might feel more comfortable living in those cities. I used to live in states in my youth where people were predominantly white and I got stared at a lot. I think it’s human nature and u need to get used to it.
William Happy New Year! have you thought about going to therapy? I have a friend who's also a dev and like all of us, he has his own issues and stress everyday. He has recommended me to take online therapy and it has eased part of my burden. Apologies If I'm rude - I just hope you get your stuff together. (Always take care of yourself)
Hi William Well for fighting your loneliness have you found some friends who are from America and has similar experiences as well? or if you get a chance and you’re willing to take that chance to have a local partner? lol
Hey bro, this stuff is much more common than you might know. You should talk to your doctor, they can blunt the worst of it in 6-8 weeks. You can be more comfortable in your skin.
Hi William. I am probably old enough to be your grandpa, so I will try to give you some good grandfatherly advice. First, at times, everyone feels something like what you are feeling now. There are many things that can help you to change your mood. Reaching out for help, even on the web, is one of them, so you are on the right track. Another thing that has helped me is that, in 1969, I joined what was then a Japanese lay Buddhist association that was affiliated with a major temple located at the foot of Mt. Fuji. At first I resisted becoming involved, but I tried participating when my older brother returned after living in Japan for 2 years. He taught me that I did not have to accept any rules, doctrines, or dogmas to do this practice. He talked me into trying it for 90 days. So many good things happened to me during this trial period that I continued doing it and still do it today. Today, I am not an organizational person, but I have made good friends through my practice and it seems to help me in many ways, including helping me process my own negative ideas. The type of Buddhism I practice is based on the teachings of a 13th century monk named Nichiren. I received my most intensive training as a member of the American branch of Soka Gakkai, which means value creation society. I consider myself a secular Buddhist. I believe that the technique of daily chanting meditation that it taught me has been invaluable for me in learning the meaning of happiness. I also recommend the social support that I received, which was a form of resocialization. It is a challenge to perform the chanting meditation ritual on a daily basis, but I believe it has been well worth the effort for me. It is the kind of thing where the more you put into it, the more benefit (tangible & intangible) you receive. I am presently chanting to be admitted into a doctoral program in Japan later this year. Maybe we will meet there someday. I wish you great success in reaching your goals! I have no doubt you will succeed.
People make mistake looking for connection at the end of the year and such events... reality check normies have plans and arrangements with their groups already. The time to cultivate relationship is during the year.
Gen X here. Japan is probably the worst place to be alone for a gaijin to find (true friends). Suck it up Buttercup! Life isn't fair and it doesn't have to be. No one cares enough to actually go out of their way to help you. Face reality and have a work goal to and find courage. Stop being fearful and fight. No way around it, YOU have to bust through it, enough times to feel it and reach the other side, there is another side and you will find out that you have just grown, just a little bit more. Life is growing. Courage, find it, you can do it, you will build your resiliency, trust me.
I don't think you're broken necessarily (maybe), but I believe it's the lack of socialization and lack of a feeling of belonging to blame. If you had a bigger social circle, you would feel less like a fish out of water. You lack the warmth and connection with people. I'm pretty sure that covid is also partially to blame for this (so to speak). People haven't been going out as much after the pandemic. You're not just imagining it. It is a real phenomenon that is occuring at this time. People are being less social, because they don't want to get covid and bring it back home to their families, where more people could potentially die. Social isolation is to protect their loved ones from harm (intentional or otherwise). They don't want anyone else in their family to die sooner than they have to (dark, I know). Social isolation is the key to a long life (if you do it right). But being overly isolated can be debilitating and socially draining. I believe you are experiencing this. Hopefully it is a hurdle that can be overcome for you, for the sake of your health and well-being. Best of luck to you! May your social life blossom and become fruitful! 🌸🍓🍀😁👍 And Happy New Year to you! 🥳✌️🎊🕛🎊🎄🎉😆🥂
Thanks for sharing what you're going through. I think a lot of us relate. I just watched a video from Dr. K, a psychiatrist who teaches a lot of interesting mental healthy stuff online, and it might be relevant, or at least a good place to start learning about different ways to understand ourselves and take care of ourselves. Best wishes. ruclips.net/user/livexicKh0fPzdE?si=D99Dl2LgKdO6uk9i
Everyone is supportive and it’s great. You have a community and connections to old friends. You are a narcissist and depressed. This channel feeds you and has become a crutch. I hope you can check yourself and rejoin the real world.
The loneliness epidemic is a world wide phenomenon, you are not alone, stay strong
I don’t know if it’s that weird really. I notice I do this a lot in Japan. I’ll walk up to a new place with the full intent of walking in and I’ll find myself walking past the door almost reflexively, sort of trying to pass it off like I’m just looking. I’ll usually stop a few stores up, pull out my phone to play it off or something and then turn around and make another attempt at going in. Usually it works and I can walk in as long as it’s not an especially intimidating looking place. I know it based on anxiety but I also think it’s a practical matter of, my brain wanting more information about what’s going to happen when I open the door and walk in. I find that after the first pass, my brain can sort of put together a rough idea of the vibe and what to expect, is it crowded or not? Is there someone at the front to greet people or not? It seems like having even just a few of those gaps filled in helps lower the hurdle of walking in. There’s the whole idea of 入りづらい雰囲気、so I don’t think this general feeling is actually that rare
Going to restaurants alone is Japan's national sport dude
Your right, I just can't make the team yet 😂
I'm really glad you spoke up on this and showed your vulnerable side. As men, specifically, it's difficult to even say the words, "I'm lonely" or "I feel lonely". And by you speaking about your experience and thoughts encourages other men. It's definitely not an easy time right now and like another commenter has mentioned, there's a world wide loneliness epidemic going on. I'm not sure what the solution is, but even talking about it is a good first step.
I moved to Japan almost 2 years ago from the US. I have also been feeling increasingly lonely and developed similar social anxiety issues since moving here. You’re not alone. I find that doing the things I’m afraid of despite my fear helps me gain the confidence to deal with similar situations in the future. I hope you find the sense of community you’re looking for through your channel. Keep moving forward and you’ll eventually reach your goals.
I wished I could live there too, it's one of the best countries of the whole world, I would be happy there everyday.
If your lifes like this, the best advice I will share is this: get out of the house even when you feel the most to stay home, for most days. For everyday it helps alleviate rut, for long term it will develop one socially.
You’re a brave man being so open and vulnerable about your life in Japan. I hope you get positive responses rather than attracting the trolls.
Good luck
It feels like no matter where you are on the planet everyone’s sharing similar problems. I live currently in the Balkans and I keep watching these videos considering to move somewhere, to break the monotony of life. I make good money but I feel like I’d even accept less just to be happier and more satisfied with day to day life. I am 31, feeling quite lonely myself, it’s very difficult to make friends at this age (seems anything after university is hard to make friends), so I fully get you.
Hi William, I just happened to watch some of your videos for the first time last night thanks to the RUclips algorithm, I thought they were great and you got a good perspective that is worth sharing. I've been in Japan for 3 months, just visiting my wife's family with our newborn though - I'll be heading home in a week.
I just wanted to say as someone who got help with my own anxiety disorder back when I was 24... while listening to your stream of consciousness I think you may have something similar for the simple fact that you feel like your anxiety is a roadblock. I can't recommend talking to a (good) therapist enough, it changed my life. Don't be afraid to let your friends and family know about how you feel and bounce off them why you feel this way like you did in this video - it certainly made sense to me and resonated with my own story.
Keep pushing yourself forward William, you'll get through this.
Thank you! I really appreciate your thoughts on this. In my day to day life I actually dont feel to bad about this. It's just strange that a whole piece of society seems locked off to me if that makes sense; it's not ideal.
I will see about talking to some professional as well
Thank you for sharing this, I've been feeling quite isolated as well.
I've been living here for almost 3 years now but it's been hard to create new friendships as an adult.
Something about realizing that I don't know what is appropriate in a situation and that it can't be helped, makes me anxious.
As time passes you just get presented with more and more situations like that, overcoming it does connect to growth but it can be quite overwhelming.
I'm around Tokyo as well, let's meet up sometime!
You're definitely not the only one ! Moving to Japan was part of going over it and got better by just trying things out.
The fear is still there but moving one step at a time helps.
Not sure if that s a way to overcome it but wanted to say you're definitely not alone in this!
As an American living in NYC without many outgoing friends here, I feel like you've just put many of my thoughts into words. I'm "introverted", but I also want to go out, meet people, and make new friends. It's just hard to find the motivation to do that alone, as much as I hype myself up to do it.
I think one mindset that might help while living in a city is to just try to remember you're a small fish in a big pond. It's easy to feel like all eyes are on you, but realistically everyone is caught up in their own lives, and most strangers won't remember you or see you ever again. It's easier (at least for me) to socialize and make friends when you realize there aren't any real consequences to trying other than those you impose on yourself. Nothing will change unless you try. I hope you make some good friends in Japan over this next year, you are a kind and thoughtful person with a good heart. Happy new year!
You are brave to acknowledge it and to have courage to work on it.
Hang in there William - it does get better. - Marc - from Georgia USA 'Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.'
I know what you're going through. I lived in Tokyo for 6 years, so I've been through it too.
I was lucky because about halfway though my studies, I met another foreigner, same age range as me, and who studies in the same tech sector so I was lucky to find a good buddy.
one way to make friends is to take up all kinds of hobbies, and also to overcome your fear to go watch a movie alone or to go eat alone.. that is one way to meet and make new friends..
Go to the beach man! alone! I've met tons of people that way, just wandering, you'll meet and start a conversation with someone and eventually join their BBQ.. Chigasaki, Zushi, Enoshima.. walk the beach and you'll meet people.
I always say "YES" to anyone who invites me to some occasion even if it sounds boring, I said yes, so I went to all kinds of events.
I also joined a hiking group, we would go hiking to mountains, they were all japanese but some had cars allowed me to go places that you normally couldn't go..
I took up kyudo, tried that a little while was fun, also allows you to meet people
I used to ride my bike everywhere in Tokyo too. For instance, running around, following the Yamanote took me about 3 hours, sometimes I did that, so it allowed me to discover lots of new places in Tokyo.
Incidentally this very thing also affects gaijin women in Japan, but it is also difficult for women to meet guys too, so doubly depressing for gaijin girls.. So much harder for girls to meet and make friends, to join a group or circle because guys will always try to hit on them.
Cheer up, you are in a position that so many in the world envy, so enjoy it, because one day it will end and you will look back on this time as the happiest time of your life.
Anxiety is rough. One time at 19 I had random social anxiety take over my life for a year, something I had previously never experienced in my life. Meeting friendly people eventually brought me out of it, but definitely wish I'd had enough money to speak with a therapist at that time. Great to have someone to talk to.
Embrace the feelings of fear and anxiety, those feelings share the same border with excitement and joy.
Thank you for your videos bro, I appreciate you. Wish you all the best and hope you make some great friends.
I'm not in japan, but if I was I would definitely seek out someone like you as a friend. You come across as very articulate and friendly and introspective. In this video you identified what you saw as your main issue, of not being comfortable going into places on your own. I think you should set yourself challenges. Maybe go to a mall and walk past all the stores and figure out which ones make you more or less comfortable. I'm sure you can work through this!
Hello bro , you're story exactly matches from my life also somewhat 90% and i think we will be a great friend in future until i arrive in japan seeing forward to be a great friend 🙂
Thanks, good to know I'm not alone in this problem at least! Hope you can make it to Japan someday soon!
Software engineer in the US here who has struggled with that somewhat. Something that helped was thinking about the experience of arriving somewhere earlier than my friends. I used to wait in the car so we'd all go in together but I eventually forced myself to go in, grab a table, look over the menu, check out the vibes, and be a bit more present. I haven't solved this problem entirely, but reflecting on how that is pretty similar to just going alone helps. Plus, if you're on your own you can sit at the bar and chat up the person behind the counter who is likely to have stories about interesting clientele.
I'm sorry your're having a rough time. Trauma and anxiety suck! I also have dealt with anxiety from childhood bullying. I've done a few years of talk therapy, and it helped me deal with trauma a little bit, but I wasn't healing as fast as I'd hoped. I had a huge breakthrough when my newest therapist recommended a technique called brain spotting, and wow, that really helped! It's basically just going into a light meditative/hypnotic state, and facing the trauma with total peace and clarity. That technique helped much more than just talk therapy. I don't know anything about therapy, but that really helped me. I wish you good luck!
My therapist does tele-health meetings. Lemme know if you'd like to try him out. He's based in the US.
You're not alone bro I feel you. Stay strong
Not sure if same, but at least similar. What happens in my case is that I go through a sort of mix of panic (kind of fight or flight reaction) and distancing myself of others in those situations, in contrast to how it can be with people I'm comfortable with.
What I have done for it is therapy and practice. Practice being aware of how you feel before/during/after the situations, practice calming yourself down, practice realizing when bad intrusive thoughts happen, practice realizing that those thoughts are a bad habit of my mind exagerating. You will realize that with practice you get better at being relaxed and not producing bad intrusive thoughts, I've been working on this during this year and it's working really well. I'm still not good at meeting people, but at least I can do it slowly.
I believe some of this might apply to you, but I think it's valuable the general idea of being aware of your emotions and seeking being relaxed and with as little worrying (and other bad) thoughts as possible. And of course I recomend finding therapy that works for you.
I had the same problem as you when I'm in college, but once I stopped worrying about what people thought of me and started talking to strangers the same way I talk to friends or family, I made a lot of new friends.
You're right. I feel like I'm able to see things objectively; I know other people don't actually care what I'm doing and so I shouldn't think about it. For some reason I haven't been able to act how I want to yet though 🙃
@@william_in_japan Unfortunately anxiety and mental health isn't logical you can't rationalise it away that easily, if it was we wouldn't need medication and counselling right.
9:41 You’re not alone in facing this issue. To overcome it, I sometimes intentionally try to be less self-conscious, which helps significantly.
Do you just think of external things in the moment you mean?
@william_in_japan Yes, shifting the focus to things around me.
I have a wife and two children… I gathered from your videos you also have a child and a job etc… I’m surprised you have time to wonder about stuff like this. I’m just too busy to go places without my family anyway… You seem like a very thoughtful and wholesome person. Good that you are figuring things out you might struggle with! Happy new year!
for me it was the opposite when I came to japan. Normally I cannot push myself to go out and talk to new people but when I came to japan I found it way easier. Way easier probably felt like a semi social anxious person haha. It was probably the fact that I was speaking a foreign language in a foreign setting to people that looked nothing like me that made it easier for me.
Play up the gaijin pass man and talk to people as much as you can. I found Japanese people very curious and friendly and especially with your language level most of the society thats locked off from others is open to you!
I really relate with this type of anxiety you described here. One strategy that may work is becoming a regular at some bars or restaurants that you particularly enjoy regardless if they're crowded or have no customers at all. For example I have places where I enjoy the music and places where they serve alcohol that I really dig(nihonshu/shochu in my case). At least you'll have someone that knows you behind the counter, and eventually meet people as you spend time there. Another way may be seeking out or slowly creating a community for a hobby you enjoy.
Anyways, happy new years, really enjoying the videos.
I'm spending the holidays right now in Japan, you have made me considering seriously if living here was s real thing or an idealization that i had, thank you for that
I've had similar feelings, in my case I think I have been slowly fading, some of the things you mentioned I was worried too but now I don't care anymore, I made up my mind thinking that it's not for me for better or for worse, but the feeling of missing some company even as a nostalgic thing remains :(
To be fair, I think I would have these issues anywhere. I think in my home town it would be better, but it is a small community. Any place that is unfamiliar to me can be challenging.
You may do better than me! Glad you are considering things though
I struggle with mental health, honestly Japan has saved my life. I’ll support your channel and others will too. We don’t always have to agree on everything. Personally being in Canada around people who are very loud (vocally and opinion wise) was killing me. Especially when the work culture is built on being socially friendly if you want to be successful, which scares me A LOT. I agree, being a foreigner is a good ice-breaker. I’m trying to start my own little community too and maybe we can both feel less guilty since we’re using each other for content haha. I’m in Hokkaido, not sure where you are but even discord could work. Maybe less planning is better, I’m not sure what causes my worries too - i fear going to places without my gf in Japan (though im very basic at japanese and need to practice more often.) Even mcdonalds seems like too much. Introvertedness or whatever it is, maybe we can talk more about it. Let me know if you're interested! no rush! I believe in you, William! Haha realized we have similar names too 😂 Good luck!
Hey WIlliam! A fan from California, here. I also have the desire for friendship, but end up feeling far too anxious to visit new places or meet new people without significant preparation. I've found that talk therapy, medication (I take Propranolol), and TMS therapy helps.
The propranolol I take reduces my heart rate and that calms my anxiety down significantly. I also was recently diagnosed with ADHD and Autism, both of which are commonly found to be comorbid with anxiety.
Being comfortable in normal places, but extremely anxious in new places is something I've discovered is personally linked to my autism. What I usually do to prepare myself is 1. plan at least a day or 2 ahead of time where I'm going to go, 2. look at pictures of the new place so that it's less unfamiliar, 3. read reviews of the location, 4. wear noise-cancelling headphones when I go to the place. It's crazy how wearing noise cancelling earphones/headphones makes new, scary places so much more bearable.
You might also try wearing your favorite, most comfortable sweater when you go somewhere new. I have one with an interesting knit-texture that I can fidget with or squeeze the cuffs of when I get too nervous. Grounding yourself when you get real nervous helps a lot.
Good luck, fellow anxiety haver!
I am your polar opposite. I love doing things alone because that's my entire personality. I even went to Japan's countryside for a 2-week holiday alone just to capture photos (im a hobbyist photographer)
But I completely understand the feeling overwhelmed going out of your comfort zone / breaking the routine. In my case, going to a large group social gatherings. I get you brother. I guess one way to cope is just do it but gradually. When you want to try something, give yourself some time to try it until you get used to it.
By the way your channel is great mate, I'm on the Infrastructure (Network) but I still find the discussions here very insightful.
i understand the feeling. i just see it as "guess i'm meant to experience things with others" and i dont see how thats a bad thing!
I relate a lot to that problem with going to restaurants / using services alone. In my case there's no real trauma but I have this irrational fear that I will use the service wrong in a way that will irritate staff or other customers, or in the worst case be mistaken for stealing. I have had instances where staff got angry at me for not knowing the different drink sizes in Starbucks for example, or not understanding bus routes etc. so it's not completely unfounded but yeah.
Thanks for sharing. I'm no expert but it sounds like you're par for the course as a young adult leaving home for the first time. It sounds like you're good at showing yourself some grace so keep it up! Maybe you're exactly where you're meant to be. You seem very level-headed so I bet you'll find an attack strategy soon that leads to more thriving :) I'm proud of you!
You did provide some value to people man.
Be proud, live and alive man 😊
I hope we can meet each other in Japan and just talks 🤝
I never thought about it before, but I do also experience very strong anxiety when I even think about going to a new place, and even when traveling alone I will feel stressed if there are strangers around me.
I personally don’t have this problem of yours of being hindered by my anxiety much, simply because I don’t think about it that much.
I don’t know if this is helpful, but maybe your are building it up too much in your head beforehand, and that actually makes you feel even more anxious.
Maybe start with something simple and spontaneous, like dropping by a bar before going home from work. Don’t try to have a great night or anything, just go in, drink a beer, then leave.
Sorry if I couldn’t be more helpful, but I don’t think you are broken, I think this is something you can do, no problem.
Hearing this is so interesting. Aside from the notable bullying past, I'm like this to a t (tee? tea? lol). And it's frustrating. It's hard to love the life I want and believe in. There was a moment in my life where I first found out/realized I was socially anxious, and man it was a shock. I had never been in a situation to know because I was with friends 100% of the time I was out of my house, aside from coffee shops (safe haven for me).
I love being with people and hate "wasting" experiences that I can't share with another person. Once someone talks to me I'm an open book, but speak to someone first? My body would never let it happen, as much as I fight it.
I also am fluent in Japanese, lived here for 9 years, and admittedly have a lot of friends but they're 99% met through other friends. Japan definitely makes anxiety and timidity worse in my experience. So much that I have to somewhat "mourn" the self I could have been by now if I stayed home or went to Kansai or Okinawa instead of here.
I'd be down to hang and talk about this or whatever. (Self-employed, 34M btw) I'm in southern Kanagawa but Tokyo is just a train or two away. LMK 🤙🏽
William, don't sweat the small stuff!!! You sell yourself short and missing out. I am a Retired Veteran and live here since 2016. You are level headed and have goals!!!! Keep it up and do not give up!!!!! Oh if you miss american food that much, I can sign you onto Yokota AFB by Fussa Station. You are more than welcome to reach out to me anytime. I do have a wealth of knowledge. God Bless and best wishes! Happy New Year!!!! V/R Matthew
First, 明けましておめでとうございます！You've got it, realizing you're not feeling 100% alright is a first huge step that not everyone is able to do. I think that in Japan, being a gaijin will create some social anxiety for anyone but the biggest extravert! Being "simply" more on the introvert side I have never really fallen into anxiety so I can't fully grasp what you're going through, but in Japan I managed to create some good friendships both at work and through random strangers next to our group at a Hanami (yep, can't make it more cliche than that!). Alcool definitely helps in Japan, even if you don't really drink much, go to a place when japanese people will be drunk :) Multiplying the encounters will surely let you create some friendships even in really unexpected situations.
... With a caveat that my going out experience is from a few years ago now, it may have changed a little bit.
I think the factors of your upbringing, being in a foreign country, and other factors are likely right on the nose. I'm not in the same situation, but I moved several states away from my hometown last year for work following college, and it's been hard to make friends here too. I know two people here from college who I hang out with once every few months with some of their local friends, but that's the best I've managed. I'm far away from more populated areas so it's hard to meet people but I also just find it hard to make the effort. I consider myself to be introverted to a degree, but I think in reality most people eventually crave human friendship and companionship no matter what.
I can't say I have the answer for your plight. But like you said, I think retracing your steps back to comfortable places alone that you've been to before and try to have comfort in doing that part, even if it doesn't translate to speaking to and meeting people right away. A lot of advice I've been given for my situation is to look for groups that do some activity regularly that you can involve yourself with. I think with the culture in Japan this will be harder than it would be in America but it's worth a shot!
I have the same problem, let’s hope this year we overcome it
I have the same social anxiety due to being heavily bullied for a few years in school. Bullying was much more severe than in your case. (lol, look at me flexing) It ended with high school graduation, so that's when I started slowly recovering. But the rest of my life was substantially influenced by that, and on the internet you can find countless stories like mine. I've become a shut-in person for years, missing on a lot of good stuff in my 20s. But as years went by I was too fed up with my anxieties so I was just forcing myself to uncomfortable situations and life choices more and more, eventually adapting to them and partially healing from all that damage that school did.
Eventually I went to work in Asia and found Asia to be much better suited for socially damaged guys like me. It helped me to heal even more, change my perspective for lots of things, build up confidence and blissful openness to the world.
The craziest thing is that I, after all those years and changes, same as you, still get anxious about meeting new people, going to events alone or even some days I may have really terrible feeling about leaving my home at all. And I found that I cannot completely eradicate this deeply-rooted anxiety. But I've learned to manage it and I know that whenever I push past it - in the vast majority of cases only good things come out of it. So I learned to "trust the process" or "trust the leap of faith" or whatever we can call it - most of the time, pushing past irrational fears, I get huge wins, so I just kind of know that it's always worth it by now.
I found your channel because in the last year I've been contemplating moving to Japan a lot. I feel like I'm well equipped to live there but still have doubts as I'm not that young anymore and have career concerns as well as some other things.
As a fellow expat, I've also experienced loneliness and other typical stuff that hits expats, especially in Asia. So I understand your situation very well.
I didn't expect to see such video from you, but it deeply resonated with me, hence the comment.
Funny thing is, for such topic a simple advice or experience sharing is not of much help at all, as we all have to work with our demons by ourselves, but hey, at least you know you're not alone in that.
Yeah, it's embarrassing to go over personal issues in public, so I wouldn't blame you for deleting this later. lol
I'm basically the exact same as you described, except I let it progress to the point of having panic attacks. Going to a counselor is something I advise, it helps to have someone assess your condition and give your real guidance. But if you don't take control of anxiety it can interrupt your life (as it is now), cause you to lose your job, etc.
I could say a lot more, but I'll just say ensure that you're getting proper vitamins and nutrition- run a blood test if you need to- but common deficiencies can lead to anxiety or depression. Ensure that you're getting adequate sleep, at least 8 hours while "recovering" from anxiety. And start doing a strenuous workout. Endorphins are amazing.
yup, peak social anxiety 👍definitely not alone in this!
I've been in Japan since October and while I already had some social anxiety before, being in a new country does take it's tow on us in this regard. While in my case there still is a language barrier (I am a language student) I found myself standing in front of restaurants for half an hour before going in (or going home). Which is obviously not good.
Sometimes we feel the need to classify ourselves as introverts or extroverts, but we are not 100% of one. Nor are we the same all the time.
I think that just like being comfortable alone is a skill that can be developed, being comfortable around strangers is also a skill that we can work on. We already have the first one covered, now we just need to be patient with ourselves as we work on the other one.
I'm still trying to learn that myself so I don't have any specific tips, but we do what we can each day.
you get better at feeling comfortable with new experiences the more you do it, some people just had more autonomy in their childhood so it's natural to them, others have break into it after adulthood which is harder
imo it helps to not think of it as an anxiety issue, but a comfort issue, and you can only get more comfortable with more exposure, no amount of planning or prep changes this
just accept you won't be comfortable and it's then easier to bare the discomfort, discomfort is only unbearable when you're in a mindset of seeking and expecting comfort
Hey bro, hang in there! I feel the same way sometimes. When I go to events here in Germany as an East Asian expat, I feel like I don't really belong there. Man, I really wish we could grab a beer or two and hangout together in Tokyo 😔😔 I wanna move to Japan as a dev after my graduate studies in April. Anyways, best of luck, man! You're not alone 💪
One major issue is foreigners with issues going to Japan. Issues need to be dealt with back home. And those people may find out that once their mental health improves, they lose interest in Japan. Japan is far from serving as "medicine." It will normally amplify one's problems.
I don’t know how old you are, this is just the second video I watched.
I’m 42 and in Japan for 16 years. Maybe it’s age 😅but even when I was 26 and the first time here I realized quickly doing things alone is not as stigmatized as back home in Germany.
Take it as an opportunity, if you can or want to try, to get comfortable with being alone. Not because you will be alone in the world but in a sense to be your best friend first.
The Japan low is something i witnessed more times that i can count. With myself, other long term residents and even longtime travelers.
I think it’s very normal especially with younger people like yourself.
I’m not sure where you are but it would be great to connect and maybe even meet.
Your doing 👍 good.
I feel it's easier to go to places related to hobbbies you're excited about, or a place to learn something new where the activity is the focus rather than meeting the people. Meeting the people comes naturally when doing an activity. If not the first time, then maybe the second or 5th time. So I'd suggest finding an activity, becoming a regular there and slowly you'll notice you're meeting people. If that activiy is not working after a couple of months or you're not enjoying it, try another one.
Sounds familiar - social anxiety arising from fear of rejection or being judged negatively (is my speculation).
There's no shame in having and constructively shating your vulnerabilities.
I lived in Japan for 4 years around the turn of the century. I largely adopted my (awesome) wife's friends. Had one of my own (I don't need many - we still catch up whenever I'm in Japan).
Before social media it was much harder to find groups but the best way I found was and continues to be to join groups that focus on mutual interests - e.g. camping / hiking, language, cooking, online gaming (was no such thing back then), community projects, the list goes on.
Forming a quality circle of friends will largely be a numbers game.
I'm heading back to Japan as where I was born squandered its part of the social contract (and I don't have Stockholm Syndrome).
All the best with your journey.
I discovered your channel recently and I like your videos!
I understand how you feel as I'm a foreigner living in Japan too and face social anxiety issues myself.
I am far from an expert but maybe try finding circles/events that interest you(your hobbies etc)
Especially if you pay for the event/meetup I think you may be more likely to commit.
Just a thought though, taking a little advice from everyone in your audience and making your own decisions is best I think!
Good luck :)
Happy new year! May 2025 be a more sociable year for both of us!
Hang in there bro, it's a lonely time of year and you're in a foreign country. It gets better.
I had developer friends tell me this, however, when I asked them, be honest, do you even care about visiting new places or would you rather just sit, code, and read...no surprises, they'd rather stay home.
The world has changed, alot of us are lonely now. I am nearly 40 and have been successful. Still feel very lonely, searching for the lifestyle I seen my father had.
Have a good year! I used to struggle with loneliness too when I was a teenager and an adult. As for me I don't really have any friends and I cant relate too much to my family in everything especially about my conversion to Christianity. God really helped me feel less alone. Maybe you could try that? Anyways I pray you find some friends that you can talk. You seem like a pretty genuine and nice guy so it should make it easier still not easy though. As for me you've earned my sub my friend and you don't need to try and be interesting I'll still listen to you. There's nothing wrong with using your platform to make friends either.
Respect brother, this is not an easy problem, but it's a common one. I've never had a close community, so 90% of my friends and interactions have been online since I was like 12, so I've always turned to that when I was lonely. Can't necessarily say it's healthy, but tbh when I do go to Japan one day, I'll probably end up fooling that too haha. Tho I should still try to be part of something
I did that just the other night. I found a really amazing si ger performing at shibuya. She had a show the other day on the 30th. Just one of those live clubs with a bunch of different artists. Took a 30 min train ride got to the door and just couldnt go in. I do it at resturants sometimes if I havent been there before
Thank you for sharing that! I hadn't heard of anyone I know with the same problem.
Good to know I'm not alone in a way, but sucks that other people have to experience that too. I hope to overcome that kind of thing this next year.
@@william_in_japan Its weird cuz its not like i was anxious about it on the way there, I just didnt feel comfortable oing in. Its 90% because I speak japanese like a preschooler. I find it really hard to not care what people think and throw myself into a situation. If i feel like i cant navigate it socially i just have to avoid it.
Any weekend movie meetups nearby, or is that not a thing there? Volunteer tour guide in a specific area? Thinking of ideas to be a little social while always having a specific subject to talk about sober. Happy New Year!
Hey, man. You aren't alone. I can't tell you what do do about it, but just know that there a lot of strangers rooting for you.
Thank you, I appreciate it
On an unrelated note, I wish there was a channel on Element or some other platform except for Discord to hang out at. Discord has become an insufferable bugfest, as I saw you having a channel there I rushed to create an account for the n-th time but faced once again perplexing captchas coupled with other bugs
whenever i eat out alone enjoying the atmosphere, not using the phone what so ever. Cant help but feel i am the psycho here and feel the pressure from people around me.
Anyone can be lonely anywhere at anytime and you may find almost everything you need ( 'cept Tex-Mex food in you case) in this country, but one of things we don't have is a good quality professional mental care here in Japan. Two cents for anyone makes a life commitment.
It is physically impossible to be unhappy in Japan mate. The promised land
🇯🇵
I hear that re: not going to restaurants on your own. I'll go to the Trafford Centre a lot, near Manchester UK, but for the Odeon cinema within. There are a lot of restaurants in there, but while occasionally, I've gone to a fast-food place like KFC or Burger King, with a central seating area for all these places, but only once or twice have I actually gone in a restaurant proper on my own.
Unless you're with someone - and that would only be if I'm dating someone at the time, it just feels weird in there on my own, and you only really have the phone for company.
I definitely want to visit Tokyo this year, and I'm thinking around the Spring time. It would be my first time, but while being just North of 50, I do feel like a change in my life, since things feel like they've stagnated in the UK and I want to branch out and see something new, with Japan being a stunning and mostly safe (in terms of security) country by comparison to the UK.
I can relate ...
Also reaching out to make a friend !
Loneliness and anxiety is a real struggle. Hope you find something that works for you, but for me I am
usually more pushed to do activities and go to places I truly want to. Like hobby events.
I too have this problem of going to some new place (to eat, for example). That’s why I almost always order takeouts. But sometimes I do have this mood, when I just bite the bullet and dive into some comfy looking place without thinking too much. And it always goes well, so I don’t even know why I’m like this 😅 when I went to Japan to vacation, there was also a huge problem that some of them have handwritten menus, that even Japanese people sometimes struggle to read, and I just don’t want to be a nuisance there.
Yeah, it can be too easy for me to slip into just eating alone every day. Doing everything privately. But I'm trying to make a point to do more and more things around others: eating, remote work, working out, etc.
Being out and about doesn't mean I'll necessarily meet new people, but I sure won't meet them in my room 😂
Whenever I went to a new place I had a sporting interest which really helped. I would join a local club and throughout my life this has always been a source of friends, partners and even job opportunities.
Do you have any hobbies?
Something to think about. None of us are born with a fear of heights, a fear of walking into a room alone, or a fear of darkness, etc. These are learned behaviors. With that in mind, they can be unlearned.
you got this
Organise 4 or 5 social activitys a week like its ur job. After a month u will have an idea what u want to do with ur time. This socialized me when in mid 20s. U just get more comfortable with people in different situations. People that arent famipy, regular friends or family seem to allow u to learn new social skills.
Where’s the discord link?
if you are genuinely making friend with your community, there is no "using" to worry about ; making friends is a natural part of human life, particularly at your age. When you reach 30-40 you tend to naturally have less friend because most people will be family oriented, that's how I see it. Besides you are good at japanese, just think how all of us feel going alone into a japanese restaurant while being bad at the language ! You have the language skill, don't forget that it will open you 1000 doors compared to other foreigners who don't.
When you feel bad like this, it's because you got used to your strong points and just think they are "normal", they are not normal : you are a software engineer, and able to speak japanese pretty well. Thousands of people would dream to have these abilities ; that alone makes you interesting as a person. You have to focus on the fact that your current state/abilities are amazing, and build a future based on that. Right now you just need to focus on getting back your confidence by going through this brooding phase.
I think It depends on if it’s only in Japan or happens in your home country too. If it’s only in Japan, Maybe that is bc you stand out more as a foreigner and people make more attention to you.
come up to the next devippo drinkup/meeting!! we will welcome you with open arms!
more and more people are feeling broken by this. you can do it
don't worry, i'm born in japan and living here for 40 years and still lonely
How long have you been in Japan?
Been hear around 3 years this time. But on and off before that. I mainly spent time with my wife and family but things have been rough so I've been needing to grow my social circle
I see. I personally think the three to five years in Japan is the make or break it. Most of my gaijin friends left after 2-3 years. I stayed. The longer I stuck it put my Japanese social circle started to expand. After 5 years I broke into a more Japanese life. Mostly from drinking but it helped a lot. In the end after 20 years I was totally in a Japanese world and had to make an effort to interact with other gaijin. I had to exit Japan during covid and now its super difficult to reintegrate back in US. I am fighting not going back as much as possible. Hang in there. Living abroad is not easy. You will find your way. It sounds like you speak Japanese well enough. I wound up making lots of Japanese friends in time.
i feel lonely often
Take a book. Then you're not alone.
Do you know any community of foreigners in Fukuoka? :( I have been here for around 8 months and I feel very lonely. I also have the same issues you described. I want to go out and make connections but I cannot do it anymore. I feel something stopping to enjoy myself and feel relaxed about it. I guess I might be very reserved to the extreme. I think I have a hard time trusting new people. I feel anxious to go out alone because everytime I go out I get stared at alot here in Fukuoka. I did not expect this when I moved here. I visited a lot of cities in Japan before moving but I never thought I d feel so much like an alien when I start living here. Happy new year as well ❤️🩹
Why you choose Fukuoka? There are lot of foreigners in some part of Tokyo and Kyoto so you might feel more comfortable living in those cities. I used to live in states in my youth where people were predominantly white and I got stared at a lot. I think it’s human nature and u need to get used to it.
I’m Japanese btw
But don’t worry bc most of Japanese ppl actually like foreigners but they are not used and shy to approach so it may seem cold from the appearance
@@realyto123 I agree and I would love to move to Tokyo but my company decided for me to live in Fukuoka.
William Happy New Year!
have you thought about going to therapy? I have a friend who's also a dev and like all of us, he has his own issues and stress everyday. He has recommended me to take online therapy and it has eased part of my burden. Apologies If I'm rude - I just hope you get your stuff together. (Always take care of yourself)
Happy 2025
Thanks! Happy New Year
Hi William Well for fighting your loneliness have you found some friends who are from America and has similar experiences as well? or if you get a chance and you’re willing to take that chance to have a local partner? lol
I heard there're international events in Shibuya or Shinjuku. maybe you feel positive vibe.
Hey bro, this stuff is much more common than you might know. You should talk to your doctor, they can blunt the worst of it in 6-8 weeks. You can be more comfortable in your skin.
Hi William. I am probably old enough to be your grandpa, so I will try to give you some good grandfatherly advice. First, at times, everyone feels something like what you are feeling now. There are many things that can help you to change your mood. Reaching out for help, even on the web, is one of them, so you are on the right track. Another thing that has helped me is that, in 1969, I joined what was then a Japanese lay Buddhist association that was affiliated with a major temple located at the foot of Mt. Fuji. At first I resisted becoming involved, but I tried participating when my older brother returned after living in Japan for 2 years. He taught me that I did not have to accept any rules, doctrines, or dogmas to do this practice. He talked me into trying it for 90 days. So many good things happened to me during this trial period that I continued doing it and still do it today. Today, I am not an organizational person, but I have made good friends through my practice and it seems to help me in many ways, including helping me process my own negative ideas. The type of Buddhism I practice is based on the teachings of a 13th century monk named Nichiren. I received my most intensive training as a member of the American branch of Soka Gakkai, which means value creation society. I consider myself a secular Buddhist. I believe that the technique of daily chanting meditation that it taught me has been invaluable for me in learning the meaning of happiness. I also recommend the social support that I received, which was a form of resocialization. It is a challenge to perform the chanting meditation ritual on a daily basis, but I believe it has been well worth the effort for me. It is the kind of thing where the more you put into it, the more benefit (tangible & intangible) you receive. I am presently chanting to be admitted into a doctoral program in Japan later this year. Maybe we will meet there someday. I wish you great success in reaching your goals! I have no doubt you will succeed.
same here
People make mistake looking for connection at the end of the year and such events... reality check normies have plans and arrangements with their groups already. The time to cultivate relationship is during the year.
Gen X here. Japan is probably the worst place to be alone for a gaijin to find (true friends). Suck it up Buttercup! Life isn't fair and it doesn't have to be. No one cares enough to actually go out of their way to help you. Face reality and have a work goal to and find courage. Stop being fearful and fight. No way around it, YOU have to bust through it, enough times to feel it and reach the other side, there is another side and you will find out that you have just grown, just a little bit more. Life is growing. Courage, find it, you can do it, you will build your resiliency, trust me.
I don't think you're broken necessarily (maybe), but I believe it's the lack of socialization and lack of a feeling of belonging to blame. If you had a bigger social circle, you would feel less like a fish out of water. You lack the warmth and connection with people. I'm pretty sure that covid is also partially to blame for this (so to speak). People haven't been going out as much after the pandemic. You're not just imagining it. It is a real phenomenon that is occuring at this time. People are being less social, because they don't want to get covid and bring it back home to their families, where more people could potentially die. Social isolation is to protect their loved ones from harm (intentional or otherwise). They don't want anyone else in their family to die sooner than they have to (dark, I know). Social isolation is the key to a long life (if you do it right). But being overly isolated can be debilitating and socially draining. I believe you are experiencing this. Hopefully it is a hurdle that can be overcome for you, for the sake of your health and well-being. Best of luck to you! May your social life blossom and become fruitful! 🌸🍓🍀😁👍 And Happy New Year to you! 🥳✌️🎊🕛🎊🎄🎉😆🥂
It's depression my boy. Seek some professional help 👌👌❤️
Join meet up. Easy if in a big city.
Thanks for sharing what you're going through. I think a lot of us relate. I just watched a video from Dr. K, a psychiatrist who teaches a lot of interesting mental healthy stuff online, and it might be relevant, or at least a good place to start learning about different ways to understand ourselves and take care of ourselves. Best wishes. ruclips.net/user/livexicKh0fPzdE?si=D99Dl2LgKdO6uk9i
Everyone is supportive and it’s great. You have a community and connections to old friends. You are a narcissist and depressed. This channel feeds you and has become a crutch. I hope you can check yourself and rejoin the real world.
don't worry, i'm born in japan and living here for 40 years and still lonely