This topic came about because a friend commented on how they saw some grandparents taking out a group of grandkids for lunch at Zippy's and wondered if the grandparents enjoyed doing that if it that was a regular expectation. In Hawaii, we love our grandparents, but I do think it's worth taking a look at this issue since it's so ingrained in our local culture - that grandparents watch the grandkids. I'm thankful for my grandparents, as well as the grandparents to our kids. 🤙
Those who experienced having grandparents are very lucky and probably learned a lot from them. Never met mine as they passed before I was born. Cherish those moments.
It's something that I'm glad I got to experience. I learned a lot from my grandparents on my mom's side. They died in my senior year of high school and first semester in college.
- Monku monku monku: when my parent used to babysit for my oldest brother's kids, they never complained to their faces. They would just complain behind their backs. Whether it was about the lack of gratitude or the behavior of the grand-kids (i.e. not being polite, etc...). - Returning the favor: I would love to see more families do favor for the grandparents. Do the grocery shopping for them, clean their yard, etc...the 'saloon door' just shouldn't swing one way. The sad direct comment to be made, if a couple cannot take care of their own kids on their own, they shouldn't have started a family. Just a blunt thought...either that or be really grateful of all the help they are given.
Mahalo for the comment. I think returning the favor and showing gratitude is a big one. It's something I try to do because I know how hard it can be to watch the boys sometimes.
@@lindatohara6438 As I became the caregiver for my parents, it would sadden me that my oldest brother's family took our parent for granted. Even though our parents did the obvious Asian thing of not accepting a token of thank you, saying that my brother's family 'didn't have to'. They should've accepted it and been honest with one another. It ended up creating a small rift between them. My thought is that families should just be thankful and insist on presenting gratitude. Grandparents should not be taken for granted, no matter what they might be saying.
@@HelloFromHawaii When my nephew were really young, my retired parents would pack the grand-kids into the car with their bicycles and take them to Sand Island Park. Until his passing, my father used to pick them up from school everyday, so they didn't have to walk home. They would tend to them, even with dinner, until my brother and my sister-in-law would be finish with work, and come by to pick them up. Our parents went above and beyond. Other than being able to spend time with the grand-kid, their wasn't much gratitude shown from my brother's family. BUT to my parent's fear, they felt if they would complain to my brother, that they would react by not bringing the grand-kids to the house; partly out of spite. These are some of the things that complicates this matter.
@@EvilTheOne : Sorry that your parents and brother weren't as receptive/responsive to the parents, as one can have the best parents around but a child might never seen their parents as being good or accepting as they think they deserve. While other parents can be terrible, but the child desperately wants the parent's love. Parenting and adulthood is a give and take emotional time, that some children never see their parents as 'human' being capable of error or flaws, forgiveness and understanding is a two-way street for both parents and offspring, that unless communication, forgiveness, understanding is going on with two individuals (parents, offspring, siblings) that it impacts that relationship. My parents weren't perfect or without flaws, but they worked their way with each other, children through the course of life. No one survives well alone in life without having help from others, it's how we are willing to accept and give, that makes a difference. Those that just take, take, take and never give, probably will live an un-happy life of short changing themselves of knowing/loving good people because they can't see the goodness, only their mirror reflection.
I applaud you for bringing up this topic. I’m glad that you realize and take responsibility as a parent, and not rely on grandparents. As you know how precious your time was with your grandparents, I know your children will cherish memories they’ve made and continue to make with their grandparents.
I don’t have kids and probably never will but if I do it’ll be awesome for my parents to see them as much as they can. Because seeing them growing up in their golden years is special. Life is short so cherish the moments before it’s gone. I never had the chance to see and grow up w grandparents and I always envy those who do have. In the end, it’s all how you were raised up.
Having children is one thing, leaving a lasting legacy doesn't require children. If one's life touches others, improves the condition/happiness of those around them, that is a contribution that is passable as it's the life that one leaves those that they loved, respected and improved the quality of life. Don't sell your legacy short as it sounds like taking care of the parents, impacts them, their friends/neighbors/relatives that has made the parents happy and others that know the parent know that their parents aren't unloved & cared for.
Very well said, should be required watching for everyone with kids and parents helping out. Empathetic and practical at the same time. You were a family counselor in a previous life 😊
Here in Hawaii, I see a lot of grandparents being the full time parent to their grandchildren due to issues with the parents. I miss my grandparents. My Mom’s mother taught me so much about our family history.
Hi Chris, great topic. I don't remember my grandparents taking care of us as kids because my mom stayed at home. But my parents definitely did a lot with my nephews and nieces. It is because of what you said, two incomes are needed to get by in Hawaii. It seemed like my parents took the grandkids every weekday after school and sometimes on weekends, but they were happy to have them.
That sounds like a great arrangement. We would go to my grandparents house often, even when we were in school. Lots of family dinners on weeknights and weekends.
Another good topic that many can relate to, and your take on it is balanced and fair. We raised our kids without help from grandparents. Three of the four had already died and I lived on the other side of the world from my mother. She wished she could spend more time with her grandchildren. Many of my friends were SAHMs but as grandmothers, they have been full-time carers for grandkids - a second go round that not all were happy about. Sometimes I wished I had more time with my grandson but other times, not so much. As I age, I have diminishing energy levels, and a friend of mine is totally wiped out after a couple of days with grandkids. As for finance, I suspect that not all retirees have much to spare.
Mahalo for sharing. I do think it's a balance and one that each family has to determine on their own. I've seen grandparents that love to watch the kids all the time no matter what. Not sure how they manage, but they do. And I'm sure others are exhausted after a few days and need a break. Hope you're able to spend time with your grandson, or to at least see him regularly through videochat. I also make sure to send updates on the boys to my parents and in-laws so that they know what's going on in their lives.
I’m thankful my in-laws help out where they can… but I make it a point to do my best to balance it. My parents on the other hand are the old school Asians who say, “You make ‘em, you watch ‘em!”
I find this a really, really interesting topic. I live on the east coast on the mainland, in a multigenerational house. My mom grew up this way, living with her Polish immigrant grandparents and parents, so she likes living in such an arrangement. The arrangement is a little more foreign to my dad, but he tells us he wouldn't have it any other way. All of us live together. Me as an auntie, my parents, my brother, Taiwanese sister-in-law and their two young kids. I think its worked out fairly well so far. It's been several years. We all get along great. I lost my partner to death a few years ago suddenly, and it gave me alot of comfort to live with a big support system during my grief. So I guess in a way it's slightly different a situation because it's not just my parents helping to raise the kids, it's auntie as well, which gives them a breather too. We all work as a team with my brother and SIL. It took awhile to find the right balance of who is going to do what with the kids, but there are alot of hands to help, and I think in the end it will be a good thing. In the end, mommy and daddy are still the boss. There's no denying the kids really benefit emotionally. They are absolutely LOVING life and are very joyful. The oldest very early on got the family dynamics down, and is very interested in the whole concept of a family, and everyone being together. I have no doubt that the idea of family will be very important to them as they grow up and make families of their own, which I think is cool.❤ Yeah, it's probably looked upon strangely from the outside, but it was something we did out of necessity on all ends, and there's been beauty in it as well. I also see that is becoming increasingly more common. Many of our neighbors are in the same situation. I think as long as boundaries are clear and fair, it can work out very well. It's going to highly depend on the situation, of course!
Good video Chris. I'm sure you and your wife will be great grandparents one day. I just hope the boys find a partner, and if they decide to have children. Too many of the nephews/nieces/cousins are opting to never have a relationship or children. Too many headache/expense plus they go to their siblings/cousins, who have ample young kids to play with. I keep reminding them that as they get senior years and friends/co-workers get sick, pass away that when they go to care home, it's nice to have visitors. Having grandparents and how they treat their grandchildren depends on the relationship of the children and parents as adults. If there's disharmony between children, parents/stepparents, it carries on to the treatment on the three generations. When the grandparents and kids get along like Chris, brother, wife with the parents and grandchildren, it's harmonious and healthy family that Chris's boys will carry on. Unfortunately, not all families have that love and relationship. I know my mom's side has always been a great family bond like Chris, but father's side has full of opposite bonds, so if viewers have great relationship like Chris, appreciate that closeness & love, as there are families that envy them. Mahalo.
Mahalo for the comment. I'm very blessed to be born into a great family. It wasn't always perfect, but my parents were always there and provided a good balance of guidance, security, and discipline. I hope my boys pass on a strong family foundation if they have families of their own one day. That would be the best thing we could pass on.
Does your wife work a full time job? Part time? I think in Hawaii with both parents working full time jobs with commutes, hard not to ask grandparents for help since their school schedules are typically not aligned. For us, my parents do a lot. My wife’s family lives on the mainland. Our plan is the grandparents help when we are working. The kids don’t sleep over, or are gone for weekends. This is time for us to be together before they eventually move away. This is the balance for my parents. And then they are free to choose what they want to do with their time like dinners, and watching their sports. Great topic!
From my perspective each family has their own dynamics. I think if you are mindful of what you want your family to be like. It sounds like you are voicing some of how you feel. Both of my parents worked and my grandma was taking care of my bedridden grandpa. When I got married my son went to babysitters until he started preschool at 3 years old. He went to private school until he graduated high school. He then went to Oregon and LA for college. I am 71 now and do not regret any of what we did. It really is a personal choice.
Thoughtful topic, as they so often are. As a non-resident G.M. ‘n’ G.P. my husband and I generally give the kids a night off during our annual always too brief visit. But we’re there to see our daughter as much as the grandchildren, of course. So it’s a balancing act.
That's great that they get a night off. It's always nice to spend time away from the kids and also for the grandparents to get exclusive time with the grandkids. 🤙
I am almost done watching the whole video. I’m glad you brought up the elitism of Private school whether Grandparents paid or not. I’m sure most families don’t admit that Grandparents are helping with Tuition or even Nepotism.
As a Haole I think it is easier to say no to babysitting grandkids on a regular arrangement. Asian and Polynesian culture seems to see it as expected. Babysitting seems to be part of retirement here but some grandparents feel abused.
Good point. It's partially a cultural thing. And even more so in Hawaii, because things are expensive, there is a greater expectation for grandparent/extended family help.
I think grandkids keep grandparents young. Grandparents find meaning, needed, and usefulness from taking care of grandkids. My parents raised my niece for 7 years while my sister went to college in OR. Paid for my niece's private school, paid my sister's college tuition, bought my sister a house...etc. My dad was 70 at the time retired. Mom worked PT at LH while also working for the City FT.
When grandparents help too much financially, the kids should be told that the grandparents are helping out...Lots of them (the kids) become entitled because they never experience lack.... the expect someone else to fill in the gaps. You said it right that grandparents are there to help, not to serve.
That's a great point. I think reminding the kids that the grandparents are helping gives credit to the grandparents and also puts the opportunities/gifts into perspective.
Hi Chris, I was born and raised on Oahu and spent Monday-Friday at my grandparent’s house while both my parents worked. My parents would pick my sister and I up from their house after work every work day. My grandpa picked us up from school everyday up until high school. I guess we took it for granted back then. Now that I have my own family, I realize how different it is. My husband and I work and take care of the kids and they only go to their grandparent’s house once a week when we both need to work. I was recently thinking about this exact topic and have been feeling sad thinking about my grandparents. I don’t remember them traveling or doing too many things that they wanted to do in those golden years. We were always there. I am thankful and grateful for the time and memories but also can’t help but wonder if my grandparents missed out on life because of us. 😢
I am a first time grandmother. We live in the mainland but our grandbaby, that we will meet in a few weeks, lives in Hawaii. We are retired and I would love to live there to help care for my granddaughter in order to help out the two working parents. It is something I would "want" to do, not because I "have" to but because I want to. I think it is up to the grandparents to set their limits on how much they can and want to help out with. I will offer to help out with my granddaughter's schooling with what I can, until I can. But this is my personal choice not an obligation. It is also up to the parents, and also the grandparents, to invoke and instill humility and humblness to the kids. The fact that they go to a better school, regardless of who pays for it, does not make them better than all others. We adults are responsible to teach this to our kiddos to be kind and respectful to all others regardless of who they are, what they have, where they live, what they do for work, or what school they attend. I look forward to, if I have the means, to treat all my grandkids to Zippy's or an ice-cream. To me being a grandparent is a reward! ❤
When my kids were little (not going to school yet), my in-laws help was much appreciated! Without their help, we'd have to hire a sitter which would mean a good chunk of our income would go to that. We'd do grocery shopping and help with other supplies and money, but my father-in-law would take the money and buy savings bonds in the kids' names. Once the kids started school, thank goodness for A+. Say what you will about Governor Cayetano, but his A+ program was a lifesaver.
Mahalo for sharing. I agree about A+. I really enjoyed it back in elementary. I'm sure my parents appreciated it too. Tough to pick up kids right after school.
I went Hong wanji school in Nu'uanu and i use to go to obachan house in the morning. Then grandpa would drive me to school and pick me up till i was 2nd grade. I remember obachan cooked spam and rice, fish and rice. After school and even anadagi for one snack. My dads side of the family is japanese my mom is Native american. Now i live in Montana and i think about my grandparents all the time and the times we use to go to Alamoana to go eat at Shirokiya. When it was next to Liberty House. 😢
HA! MPI was my go to & also my grandparents enjoyed saying I was a MPI grad. My grandparents are the best & so are my parents. I love being a parent myself. 🎉I think grands are essential it’s to perpetuate the culture in their family. Btw my dad & mom worked hard to put me through MPI & my brother didn’t go back to KHS because they wanted me to get an education ❤❤❤ I love my parents & grands 🥰
As a grandma, I have seen too many of my friends become involved every day in picking up, dropping off, taking here and there to the point of it being almost a full time job! My own girls know that if they sign up their kids for whatever extracurricular activity, that they have to figure it out the transportation part on their own. But they do know that I am available to help out in a pinch. I give them no financial help at all - again, you live within your means. As another person commented - you make 'um, you pay for 'um!!
Hi, My children are in their twenties. They do not "need" their parents anymore ,,, for now. However, if and when they have their own family, if they need mum and dad in any way, we are always there for them. Sure this is a continuation of us making "sacrifices" for your child's welfare. However, my wife and I would rather draw our last breaths in this world knowing we did what we could to help our children during and after we are gone; rather than regret the 'sacrifices" we did not make. We discussed and felt this when they were small, we felt the same when they were finding their own footing, and even now living fairly frugally on a pension we think and feel the same. It is said "your grandchildren are CUTE, your children as PRECIOUS" If looking after or assisting our grand-children is what is needed for my children ,,, well, that's just the "icing on the cake"🎂
Growing up my grandmother was like a 2nd parent to me, reflecting back I wish I behaved a lot better to give her an easier time. My grandfather had Alzheimer's so she was taking care of me on her own.
Good to see this Video! I have observed this is mostly an Asian Grandparent thing. Very supportive which is wonderful for the whole family! Also the kids usually inherit their Parents House which also furthers the development of a more stable life. As somehow the Asian Grandparents were able to obtain a home by having enough income. Also Asian Grandparents live long lives so the support is good and lengthy. I have always been envious of this dynamic. It’s like generations of stability and generational wealth and status here in Hawaii. I know this sounds racist but to me I’m just stating facts that the Asians in Hawaii are like the privileged whites of the mainland
It's a good observation you've made. I think this tends to happen with Asian families because of the family structure dating back to Japan/China/Korea. The passing on of houses from one generation to the next is a huge advantage for future generations.
So many instances where one of the kids moves into the parents' home with their family. Grandparents not only babysit the live-in grandchildren, but also feed them, do laundry, chauffeur them, bathe them, nurse them when ill, etc. etc. So much time is given to the live-ins; all the other grandchildren are basically not involved with papa and gma. Then, as gma and papa age and become frail ... who do you think should be "pitching in" the most? Who do you think gets blamed for not helping more? AND WHO DO YOU THINK FEELS THAT THEY DESERVE MORE OF THE PROPERTY AFTER PAPA AND GMA ARE GONE? Yep .... lived basically rent free for more than 30 years ... and still forget how much grandma and papa did for them. Everything is self-serving for them. 👹👿
You bring up a good point about when the grandparents need help due to health issues and also the inheritance. It's something that I know breaks up families because things aren't talked about until it's too late. Maybe something I can talk about or bring up in a future video
I am not from Hawaii or Asian. My grandparents were my babysitters, paid for private school, sent me on many school trips, bought books and uniforms, paid for car repairs and insurance. Thank god , i would be a different person today if they hadn’t taken care of me.
The problems arise when the grandparents are taken advantage of, and the grandparents end up raising the kids and paying for everything. I've seen this many times. Or the kids live with their parents and don't help out. They don't pay rent; don't pay a portion of the mortgage, don't even pay the electric bill. They make the grandparents pay for everything. Yet the kids go and buy lifted trucks, electric bikes, go on three mainland trips per year - Cal Ripken Tournament on the mainland, volleyball junior nationals, U12 mainland soccer tournaments, etc. That's why if my kids ever live with me, I'm making them pay rent, utilities, etc. Yeah, sure, I watch your kids (my grandkids), but you also clean my yard, paint my house, wash my car, clean my windows and screens, power wash my driveway, and scrub down my trash barrels every two weeks. I no sked tell my kids off. They either pull their own weight, or they can move out.
It’s not cultural. It’s a lack of any accountability or willing tot are responsibility by today’s parents. It’s just too easy to hand the kids of to the grandparents while mom and dad are off doing their thing and I don’t mean working I mean off going out to fancy dinners and hanging out with friends or whatever. I knew my grandparents but was never reliant on them from a monetary standpoint. We would visit every 1-2 weeks but we never expected anything from them other than just enjoying being with them. Also, private school is not looked down on as much as is said. It’s a status thing but the company I work for most of the management and execs are public school students and we’ve found the private school student sometime have more difficulty adapting to an environment where just reading the book to find an answer is not possible. You need to use your brain to solve problem and find that they are not a.ways the best at that. They were trained early on that as long as you study (memorize the answers) you will succeed. That. It always the case in the real world.
I think grandparents watching the kids occasionally so the parents can go out is okay, but not all the time. Every couple needs date nights now and then. And while most of the management you work for went to public school, I'd be curious to know where they send their own children to school.
@@HelloFromHawaii Unfortunately most of our management don't have kids or kids are too young for school. Not saying private school is not good but public school can also be good. Point is parents shouldn't put their grandparents in debt just so that they get status of having kids in private school.
People have children at older ages now than years ago, so grandparents have gotten sometimes considerably older than past generations. They really can not do what some of our grandparents did. My grandfather was still working when i was in junior high school he retired at 62 and grandmother didn’t work.
I would think, my guess, is that grandparents in Hawai'i are generally typically overburdened regarding grandchildren. This condition escalated across the U.S. starting from 1981 and on.
If you spend more time at the G'parents' houses than your own parents, then, that could be due to loss of parents, infirmity of parents, and a whole bunch of other reasons. I envy that propinquity to the Grandparents. Mine lived far away from us. My G'parents helped to pay for our private schooling. They did not foot the whole bill. About going to private schools? ANY school is what you make of it. Public schools can be hard too!
I definitely understand that time spent with grandparents can be a result of a number of situations and circumstances. And yes, school can be as hard as you want it to be. Or in my case, as easy as I wanted it to be 😆
It is a fascinating thing, though, since the classic single-income, head-of-household income earner American Dream nuclear family condition ruled the way of USA Life and culture between 1900 and 1980; *prior* to that span of time (pre-1900) it was *the* *normal* for grandparents to be under the same home under the same roof (two generations in the household). The "old folks" sort of reverted back to being like children, doing chores (albeit WISE old children). It's how people *lived* and *died* .
Yep, Dat is our first priority to raise n teach n nurture ur kids, we seek help after we have tried our best, we should not ever have dat thoughts in our minds Dat our parents will watch dem, Yep fo me I love my grandkeikis but der r not mines to b watching after dem
As Japanese origin, we generally don't expect our parents to babysit our children. We have generation gaps regarding child rearing. We disagree on how to raise a child sometimes. Many of our parents want to have freedom. They raise us (usually mothers) themselves, so they don't want to babysit kids anymore. I raise my child solely because we don't have any family here. I don't have the energy to babysit even my own grandkids if I have. I am always amazed that locals babysit their grandkids with no problems. Locals don't have😮 conflict the way to raise kids? I met both sides of my grandparents 2 or 3 times a year. We stayed at their house about 1 week each time. Do you and your wife want to babysit your grandkids in the future?
Mahalo for sharing. I think when it comes to local families, I think it's more culturally expected that grandparents help a lot with the grandkids. However, I'm sure that there is conflict within families, even if you don't see it on the surface. I would like to babysit the grandkids in the future. Not every weekend, but once or twice a month would be great. And I'd want to see pictures and video of them every day.
Another great topic! When my husband and I had our kids, my parents picked up my kids from school because we were still working and had to work long hours. We never had our kids participate in after school sports because we didn’t want our parents to have to shuttle them to and from practice. They fed my kids dinner and had them take a bath so that when we picked them up, they could just go home, finish their homework and go to sleep. I didn’t want to burden my parents anymore so we never really went out once we had kids. Plus, we didn’t have the budget after paying for two preschool tuitions, a mortgage and a car payment. We are so grateful for our parents for all they have done for us. But I have seen other people take advantage of grandparent’s generosity. I have talked to grandparents who have kids and grandkids live with them but the kids and grandkids don’t even help out with paying for utilities, a small rent, or groceries. Instead, the kids and grandkids spend their disposable income on going out and buying “stuff”. That is totally wrong and disrespectful. Grandparents should be able to enjoy their retirement years and do what they want with their limited income. Parents should raise their kids and not dump that responsibility on someone else. Yes, it is hard and it takes a lot of sacrifice. Appreciate grandparents and don’t abuse their kindness.
Bravo of this topic especially when you marry into a different culture that doesn’t do this. It’s not a right or wrong thing. If one enjoys being the daddy to his grandkids it is his choice. But don’t guilt trip your wife, your ignoring to help your single parent daughter. Aloha
My family told me don’t ask for help this is my kid so don’t ask my uncles or aunties or grandparents. And we are 2 kids oldest one is 9 and we haven’t had not one person watch them in 9 years. Ever. We are burnt out some, but it’s ok I don’t want to put my kids onto others. My family is just honest so they said don’t ask us. I’m fine with it. 99.99% of my friends all have grandparents watching their kids 90% of the time and the parents watch the kids 5% and school watches the last 5%. Idk I know grandparents don’t want to raise your kids they just don’t say it.
I often wonder who benefits from the rumor that public schools are so terrible that you have to send your kids to private school. All my friends went to public school and many now have master degrees. I do understand that paying for private school buys ypu that piece of paper that will impress other people that are in love with money, but are they really better? We have some pretty stupid dumbshtz that come from the ivy league university so what does that mean?! Money buys you pieces of paper that are code to the people with money.
A lot of grandparents are taken advantage of by their children which is their own fault. A lot of grandparents also take care of their grandchildren because their kids are either in jail or just losers.
It's expensive, but I think it's so worth it. Hopefully the State can expand the free pre-K faster so more families can have access to early education.
This topic came about because a friend commented on how they saw some grandparents taking out a group of grandkids for lunch at Zippy's and wondered if the grandparents enjoyed doing that if it that was a regular expectation. In Hawaii, we love our grandparents, but I do think it's worth taking a look at this issue since it's so ingrained in our local culture - that grandparents watch the grandkids. I'm thankful for my grandparents, as well as the grandparents to our kids. 🤙
I loved it reminded me of growing up in Makiki and Nuuanu. Grandma grandpa and going to Alamoana going to Zippys Wisteria and Land L
Those who experienced having grandparents are very lucky and probably learned a lot from them. Never met mine as they passed before I was born. Cherish those moments.
It's something that I'm glad I got to experience. I learned a lot from my grandparents on my mom's side. They died in my senior year of high school and first semester in college.
- Monku monku monku: when my parent used to babysit for my oldest brother's kids, they never complained to their faces. They would just complain behind their backs. Whether it was about the lack of gratitude or the behavior of the grand-kids (i.e. not being polite, etc...).
- Returning the favor: I would love to see more families do favor for the grandparents. Do the grocery shopping for them, clean their yard, etc...the 'saloon door' just shouldn't swing one way.
The sad direct comment to be made, if a couple cannot take care of their own kids on their own, they shouldn't have started a family. Just a blunt thought...either that or be really grateful of all the help they are given.
Amen
Mahalo for the comment. I think returning the favor and showing gratitude is a big one. It's something I try to do because I know how hard it can be to watch the boys sometimes.
@@lindatohara6438 As I became the caregiver for my parents, it would sadden me that my oldest brother's family took our parent for granted. Even though our parents did the obvious Asian thing of not accepting a token of thank you, saying that my brother's family 'didn't have to'. They should've accepted it and been honest with one another. It ended up creating a small rift between them.
My thought is that families should just be thankful and insist on presenting gratitude. Grandparents should not be taken for granted, no matter what they might be saying.
@@HelloFromHawaii When my nephew were really young, my retired parents would pack the grand-kids into the car with their bicycles and take them to Sand Island Park. Until his passing, my father used to pick them up from school everyday, so they didn't have to walk home. They would tend to them, even with dinner, until my brother and my sister-in-law would be finish with work, and come by to pick them up. Our parents went above and beyond.
Other than being able to spend time with the grand-kid, their wasn't much gratitude shown from my brother's family.
BUT to my parent's fear, they felt if they would complain to my brother, that they would react by not bringing the grand-kids to the house; partly out of spite.
These are some of the things that complicates this matter.
@@EvilTheOne : Sorry that your parents and brother weren't as receptive/responsive to the parents, as one can have the best parents around but a child might never seen their parents as being good or accepting as they think they deserve. While other parents can be terrible, but the child desperately wants the parent's love. Parenting and adulthood is a give and take emotional time, that some children never see their parents as 'human' being capable of error or flaws, forgiveness and understanding is a two-way street for both parents and offspring, that unless communication, forgiveness, understanding is going on with two individuals (parents, offspring, siblings) that it impacts that relationship. My parents weren't perfect or without flaws, but they worked their way with each other, children through the course of life. No one survives well alone in life without having help from others, it's how we are willing to accept and give, that makes a difference. Those that just take, take, take and never give, probably will live an un-happy life of short changing themselves of knowing/loving good people because they can't see the goodness, only their mirror reflection.
I applaud you for bringing up this topic. I’m glad that you realize and take responsibility as a parent, and not rely on grandparents. As you know how precious your time was with your grandparents, I know your children will cherish memories they’ve made and continue to make with their grandparents.
Your view point is very ha’aha’a. That is appreciated.
Thank you. Appreciate the kind words. 🤙
I don’t have kids and probably never will but if I do it’ll be awesome for my parents to see them as much as they can. Because seeing them growing up in their golden years is special. Life is short so cherish the moments before it’s gone. I never had the chance to see and grow up w grandparents and I always envy those who do have. In the end, it’s all how you were raised up.
Having children is one thing, leaving a lasting legacy doesn't require children. If one's life touches others, improves the condition/happiness of those around them, that is a contribution that is passable as it's the life that one leaves those that they loved, respected and improved the quality of life. Don't sell your legacy short as it sounds like taking care of the parents, impacts them, their friends/neighbors/relatives that has made the parents happy and others that know the parent know that their parents aren't unloved & cared for.
Very well said, should be required watching for everyone with kids and parents helping out. Empathetic and practical at the same time. You were a family counselor in a previous life 😊
Here in Hawaii, I see a lot of grandparents being the full time parent to their grandchildren due to issues with the parents. I miss my grandparents. My Mom’s mother taught me so much about our family history.
Mahalo for sharing. It's sometimes sad to hear about the family issues that prevent parents from raising kids.
This is happening in the mainland too. Grandparents are going more for there kids to help out.
From Ohio
I'm sure it's happening all over, but it's an interesting cultural thing in Hawaii because of geography and high cost of living.
Hi Chris, great topic. I don't remember my grandparents taking care of us as kids because my mom stayed at home. But my parents definitely did a lot with my nephews and nieces. It is because of what you said, two incomes are needed to get by in Hawaii. It seemed like my parents took the grandkids every weekday after school and sometimes on weekends, but they were happy to have them.
That sounds like a great arrangement. We would go to my grandparents house often, even when we were in school. Lots of family dinners on weeknights and weekends.
Another good topic that many can relate to, and your take on it is balanced and fair.
We raised our kids without help from grandparents. Three of the four had already died and I lived on the other side of the world from my mother. She wished she could spend more time with her grandchildren. Many of my friends were SAHMs but as grandmothers, they have been full-time carers for grandkids - a second go round that not all were happy about. Sometimes I wished I had more time with my grandson but other times, not so much. As I age, I have diminishing energy levels, and a friend of mine is totally wiped out after a couple of days with grandkids. As for finance, I suspect that not all retirees have much to spare.
Mahalo for sharing. I do think it's a balance and one that each family has to determine on their own. I've seen grandparents that love to watch the kids all the time no matter what. Not sure how they manage, but they do. And I'm sure others are exhausted after a few days and need a break. Hope you're able to spend time with your grandson, or to at least see him regularly through videochat. I also make sure to send updates on the boys to my parents and in-laws so that they know what's going on in their lives.
@@HelloFromHawaiiThank you so much for taking the time for such a full reply. It sounds like you have a perfect balance with your parents.
I miss my G'parents a LOT!
They died MANY years ago.
I am in my 60's.
Last one grandparent living died in 1999.
I miss mine too. Even though I can picture them in my mind, I miss their voices.
I agree, people are responsible to take care of their family.
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Well said ❤
Mahalo 🤙
I’m thankful my in-laws help out where they can… but I make it a point to do my best to balance it. My parents on the other hand are the old school Asians who say, “You make ‘em, you watch ‘em!”
I find this a really, really interesting topic. I live on the east coast on the mainland, in a multigenerational house. My mom grew up this way, living with her Polish immigrant grandparents and parents, so she likes living in such an arrangement. The arrangement is a little more foreign to my dad, but he tells us he wouldn't have it any other way.
All of us live together. Me as an auntie, my parents, my brother, Taiwanese sister-in-law and their two young kids.
I think its worked out fairly well so far. It's been several years. We all get along great. I lost my partner to death a few years ago suddenly, and it gave me alot of comfort to live with a big support system during my grief. So I guess in a way it's slightly different a situation because it's not just my parents helping to raise the kids, it's auntie as well, which gives them a breather too. We all work as a team with my brother and SIL.
It took awhile to find the right balance of who is going to do what with the kids, but there are alot of hands to help, and I think in the end it will be a good thing. In the end, mommy and daddy are still the boss.
There's no denying the kids really benefit emotionally. They are absolutely LOVING life and are very joyful. The oldest very early on got the family dynamics down, and is very interested in the whole concept of a family, and everyone being together. I have no doubt that the idea of family will be very important to them as they grow up and make families of their own, which I think is cool.❤ Yeah, it's probably looked upon strangely from the outside, but it was something we did out of necessity on all ends, and there's been beauty in it as well. I also see that is becoming increasingly more common. Many of our neighbors are in the same situation. I think as long as boundaries are clear and fair, it can work out very well. It's going to highly depend on the situation, of course!
Awesome video. Keep up the great work.
Mahalo 🤙
Good video Chris. I'm sure you and your wife will be great grandparents one day. I just hope the boys find a partner, and if they decide to have children. Too many of the nephews/nieces/cousins are opting to never have a relationship or children. Too many headache/expense plus they go to their siblings/cousins, who have ample young kids to play with. I keep reminding them that as they get senior years and friends/co-workers get sick, pass away that when they go to care home, it's nice to have visitors. Having grandparents and how they treat their grandchildren depends on the relationship of the children and parents as adults. If there's disharmony between children, parents/stepparents, it carries on to the treatment on the three generations. When the grandparents and kids get along like Chris, brother, wife with the parents and grandchildren, it's harmonious and healthy family that Chris's boys will carry on. Unfortunately, not all families have that love and relationship. I know my mom's side has always been a great family bond like Chris, but father's side has full of opposite bonds, so if viewers have great relationship like Chris, appreciate that closeness & love, as there are families that envy them. Mahalo.
Mahalo for the comment. I'm very blessed to be born into a great family. It wasn't always perfect, but my parents were always there and provided a good balance of guidance, security, and discipline. I hope my boys pass on a strong family foundation if they have families of their own one day. That would be the best thing we could pass on.
Does your wife work a full time job? Part time? I think in Hawaii with both parents working full time jobs with commutes, hard not to ask grandparents for help since their school schedules are typically not aligned.
For us, my parents do a lot. My wife’s family lives on the mainland. Our plan is the grandparents help when we are working. The kids don’t sleep over, or are gone for weekends. This is time for us to be together before they eventually move away. This is the balance for my parents. And then they are free to choose what they want to do with their time like dinners, and watching their sports.
Great topic!
She's working now that the boys are both in school. But even when she wasn't, I understand the need for a break every now and then.
From my perspective each family has their own dynamics. I think if you are mindful of what you want your family to be like. It sounds like you are voicing some of how you feel. Both of my parents worked and my grandma was taking care of my bedridden grandpa. When I got married my son went to babysitters until he started preschool at 3 years old. He went to private school until he graduated high school. He then went to Oregon and LA for college. I am 71 now and do not regret any of what we did. It really is a personal choice.
Mahalo for sharing. That sounds like how I grew up. Stayed with grandparents until I went to preschool.
Thoughtful topic, as they so often are. As a non-resident G.M. ‘n’ G.P. my husband and I generally give the kids a night off during our annual always too brief visit. But we’re there to see our daughter as much as the grandchildren, of course. So it’s a balancing act.
That's great that they get a night off. It's always nice to spend time away from the kids and also for the grandparents to get exclusive time with the grandkids. 🤙
I am almost done watching the whole video. I’m glad you brought up the elitism of Private school whether Grandparents paid or not. I’m sure most families don’t admit that Grandparents are helping with Tuition or even Nepotism.
As a Haole I think it is easier to say no to babysitting grandkids on a regular arrangement. Asian and Polynesian culture seems to see it as expected. Babysitting seems to be part of retirement here but some grandparents feel abused.
Agreed
Good point. It's partially a cultural thing. And even more so in Hawaii, because things are expensive, there is a greater expectation for grandparent/extended family help.
I think grandkids keep grandparents young. Grandparents find meaning, needed, and usefulness from taking care of grandkids. My parents raised my niece for 7 years while my sister went to college in OR. Paid for my niece's private school, paid my sister's college tuition, bought my sister a house...etc. My dad was 70 at the time retired. Mom worked PT at LH while also working for the City FT.
When grandparents help too much financially, the kids should be told that the grandparents are helping out...Lots of them (the kids) become entitled because they never experience lack.... the expect someone else to fill in the gaps. You said it right that grandparents are there to help, not to serve.
That's a great point. I think reminding the kids that the grandparents are helping gives credit to the grandparents and also puts the opportunities/gifts into perspective.
Hi Chris, I was born and raised on Oahu and spent Monday-Friday at my grandparent’s house while both my parents worked. My parents would pick my sister and I up from their house after work every work day. My grandpa picked us up from school everyday up until high school. I guess we took it for granted back then. Now that I have my own family, I realize how different it is. My husband and I work and take care of the kids and they only go to their grandparent’s house once a week when we both need to work. I was recently thinking about this exact topic and have been feeling sad thinking about my grandparents. I don’t remember them traveling or doing too many things that they wanted to do in those golden years. We were always there. I am thankful and grateful for the time and memories but also can’t help but wonder if my grandparents missed out on life because of us. 😢
I am a first time grandmother. We live in the mainland but our grandbaby, that we will meet in a few weeks, lives in Hawaii. We are retired and I would love to live there to help care for my granddaughter in order to help out the two working parents. It is something I would "want" to do, not because I "have" to but because I want to. I think it is up to the grandparents to set their limits on how much they can and want to help out with.
I will offer to help out with my granddaughter's schooling with what I can, until I can. But this is my personal choice not an obligation. It is also up to the parents, and also the grandparents, to invoke and instill humility and humblness to the kids. The fact that they go to a better school, regardless of who pays for it, does not make them better than all others. We adults are responsible to teach this to our kiddos to be kind and respectful to all others regardless of who they are, what they have, where they live, what they do for work, or what school they attend. I look forward to, if I have the means, to treat all my grandkids to Zippy's or an ice-cream. To me being a grandparent is a reward! ❤
When my kids were little (not going to school yet), my in-laws help was much appreciated! Without their help, we'd have to hire a sitter which would mean a good chunk of our income would go to that. We'd do grocery shopping and help with other supplies and money, but my father-in-law would take the money and buy savings bonds in the kids' names. Once the kids started school, thank goodness for A+. Say what you will about Governor Cayetano, but his A+ program was a lifesaver.
Mahalo for sharing. I agree about A+. I really enjoyed it back in elementary. I'm sure my parents appreciated it too. Tough to pick up kids right after school.
I went Hong wanji school in Nu'uanu and i use to go to obachan house in the morning. Then grandpa would drive me to school and pick me up till i was 2nd grade. I remember obachan cooked spam and rice, fish and rice. After school and even anadagi for one snack. My dads side of the family is japanese my mom is Native american. Now i live in Montana and i think about my grandparents all the time and the times we use to go to Alamoana to go eat at Shirokiya. When it was next to Liberty House. 😢
HA! MPI was my go to & also my grandparents enjoyed saying I was a MPI grad. My grandparents are the best & so are my parents. I love being a parent myself. 🎉I think grands are essential it’s to perpetuate the culture in their family. Btw my dad & mom worked hard to put me through MPI & my brother didn’t go back to KHS because they wanted me to get an education ❤❤❤ I love my parents & grands 🥰
Mahalo for sharing 🤙
As a grandma, I have seen too many of my friends become involved every day in picking up, dropping off, taking here and there to the point of it being almost a full time job! My own girls know that if they sign up their kids for whatever extracurricular activity, that they have to figure it out the transportation part on their own. But they do know that I am available to help out in a pinch. I give them no financial help at all - again, you live within your means. As another person commented - you make 'um, you pay for 'um!!
Hi, My children are in their twenties. They do not "need" their parents anymore ,,, for now. However, if and when they have their own family, if they need mum and dad in any way, we are always there for them. Sure this is a continuation of us making "sacrifices" for your child's welfare. However, my wife and I would rather draw our last breaths in this world knowing we did what we could to help our children during and after we are gone; rather than regret the 'sacrifices" we did not make. We discussed and felt this when they were small, we felt the same when they were finding their own footing, and even now living fairly frugally on a pension we think and feel the same. It is said "your grandchildren are CUTE, your children as PRECIOUS" If looking after or assisting our grand-children is what is needed for my children ,,, well, that's just the "icing on the cake"🎂
Growing up my grandmother was like a 2nd parent to me, reflecting back I wish I behaved a lot better to give her an easier time. My grandfather had Alzheimer's so she was taking care of me on her own.
Good to see this Video! I have observed this is mostly an Asian Grandparent thing. Very supportive which is wonderful for the whole family! Also the kids usually inherit their Parents House which also furthers the development of a more stable life. As somehow the Asian Grandparents were able to obtain a home by having enough income. Also Asian Grandparents live long lives so the support is good and lengthy. I have always been envious of this dynamic. It’s like generations of stability and generational wealth and status here in Hawaii. I know this sounds racist but to me I’m just stating facts that the Asians in Hawaii are like the privileged whites of the mainland
It's a good observation you've made. I think this tends to happen with Asian families because of the family structure dating back to Japan/China/Korea. The passing on of houses from one generation to the next is a huge advantage for future generations.
So many instances where one of the kids moves into the parents' home with their family. Grandparents not only babysit the live-in grandchildren, but also feed them, do laundry, chauffeur them, bathe them, nurse them when ill, etc. etc. So much time is given to the live-ins; all the other grandchildren are basically not involved with papa and gma. Then, as gma and papa age and become frail ... who do you think should be "pitching in" the most? Who do you think gets blamed for not helping more? AND WHO DO YOU THINK FEELS THAT THEY DESERVE MORE OF THE PROPERTY AFTER PAPA AND GMA ARE GONE? Yep .... lived basically rent free for more than 30 years ... and still forget how much grandma and papa did for them. Everything is self-serving for them. 👹👿
You bring up a good point about when the grandparents need help due to health issues and also the inheritance. It's something that I know breaks up families because things aren't talked about until it's too late. Maybe something I can talk about or bring up in a future video
I am not from Hawaii or Asian. My grandparents were my babysitters, paid for private school, sent me on many school trips, bought books and uniforms, paid for car repairs and insurance. Thank god , i would be a different person today if they hadn’t taken care of me.
I miss my grandmas ham and cheese sandwiches with meadow gold pog… great memories
That sounds great 😆
The problems arise when the grandparents are taken advantage of, and the grandparents end up raising the kids and paying for everything. I've seen this many times. Or the kids live with their parents and don't help out. They don't pay rent; don't pay a portion of the mortgage, don't even pay the electric bill. They make the grandparents pay for everything. Yet the kids go and buy lifted trucks, electric bikes, go on three mainland trips per year - Cal Ripken Tournament on the mainland, volleyball junior nationals, U12 mainland soccer tournaments, etc.
That's why if my kids ever live with me, I'm making them pay rent, utilities, etc. Yeah, sure, I watch your kids (my grandkids), but you also clean my yard, paint my house, wash my car, clean my windows and screens, power wash my driveway, and scrub down my trash barrels every two weeks. I no sked tell my kids off. They either pull their own weight, or they can move out.
It’s not cultural. It’s a lack of any accountability or willing tot are responsibility by today’s parents. It’s just too easy to hand the kids of to the grandparents while mom and dad are off doing their thing and I don’t mean working I mean off going out to fancy dinners and hanging out with friends or whatever. I knew my grandparents but was never reliant on them from a monetary standpoint. We would visit every 1-2 weeks but we never expected anything from them other than just enjoying being with them.
Also, private school is not looked down on as much as is said. It’s a status thing but the company I work for most of the management and execs are public school students and we’ve found the private school student sometime have more difficulty adapting to an environment where just reading the book to find an answer is not possible. You need to use your brain to solve problem and find that they are not a.ways the best at that. They were trained early on that as long as you study (memorize the answers) you will succeed. That. It always the case in the real world.
I think grandparents watching the kids occasionally so the parents can go out is okay, but not all the time. Every couple needs date nights now and then.
And while most of the management you work for went to public school, I'd be curious to know where they send their own children to school.
@@HelloFromHawaii Unfortunately most of our management don't have kids or kids are too young for school. Not saying private school is not good but public school can also be good. Point is parents shouldn't put their grandparents in debt just so that they get status of having kids in private school.
People have children at older ages now than years ago, so grandparents have gotten sometimes considerably older than past generations. They really can not do what some of our grandparents did. My grandfather was still working when i was in junior high school he retired at 62 and grandmother didn’t work.
I would think, my guess, is that grandparents in Hawai'i are generally typically overburdened regarding grandchildren.
This condition escalated across the U.S. starting from 1981 and on.
more people live in hawaii too. grandparents also share knowledge with grandkids.
If you spend more time at the G'parents' houses than your own parents, then, that could be due to loss of parents, infirmity of parents, and a whole bunch of other reasons.
I envy that propinquity to the Grandparents.
Mine lived far away from us.
My G'parents helped to pay for our private schooling. They did not foot the whole bill.
About going to private schools? ANY school
is what you make of it.
Public schools can be hard too!
I definitely understand that time spent with grandparents can be a result of a number of situations and circumstances. And yes, school can be as hard as you want it to be. Or in my case, as easy as I wanted it to be 😆
@@HelloFromHawaii I always thought you were bright. 🤙
My grandparents left me nothing but generational trauma :)
That's too bad. Grandparents usually leave behind great things.
In Hawaii, it's not uncommon to have 3 generations living in the same house. How could it not happen?
I'm guilty of this. But I love the spoil and return program.
Most definitely
It is a fascinating thing, though, since the classic single-income, head-of-household income earner American Dream nuclear family condition ruled the way of USA Life and culture between 1900 and 1980; *prior* to that span of time (pre-1900) it was *the* *normal* for grandparents to be under the same home under the same roof (two generations in the household). The "old folks" sort of reverted back to being like children, doing chores (albeit WISE old children).
It's how people *lived* and *died* .
Yep, Dat is our first priority to raise n teach n nurture ur kids, we seek help after we have tried our best, we should not ever have dat thoughts in our minds Dat our parents will watch dem, Yep fo me I love my grandkeikis but der r not mines to b watching after dem
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As Japanese origin, we generally don't expect our parents to babysit our children. We have generation gaps regarding child rearing. We disagree on how to raise a child sometimes. Many of our parents want to have freedom. They raise us (usually mothers) themselves, so they don't want to babysit kids anymore. I raise my child solely because we don't have any family here. I don't have the energy to babysit even my own grandkids if I have. I am always amazed that locals babysit their grandkids with no problems. Locals don't have😮 conflict the way to raise kids? I met both sides of my grandparents 2 or 3 times a year. We stayed at their house about 1 week each time. Do you and your wife want to babysit your grandkids in the future?
Mahalo for sharing. I think when it comes to local families, I think it's more culturally expected that grandparents help a lot with the grandkids. However, I'm sure that there is conflict within families, even if you don't see it on the surface. I would like to babysit the grandkids in the future. Not every weekend, but once or twice a month would be great. And I'd want to see pictures and video of them every day.
Another great topic! When my husband and I had our kids, my parents picked up my kids from school because we were still working and had to work long hours. We never had our kids participate in after school sports because we didn’t want our parents to have to shuttle them to and from practice. They fed my kids dinner and had them take a bath so that when we picked them up, they could just go home, finish their homework and go to sleep. I didn’t want to burden my parents anymore so we never really went out once we had kids. Plus, we didn’t have the budget after paying for two preschool tuitions, a mortgage and a car payment. We are so grateful for our parents for all they have done for us. But I have seen other people take advantage of grandparent’s generosity. I have talked to grandparents who have kids and grandkids live with them but the kids and grandkids don’t even help out with paying for utilities, a small rent, or groceries. Instead, the kids and grandkids spend their disposable income on going out and buying “stuff”. That is totally wrong and disrespectful. Grandparents should be able to enjoy their retirement years and do what they want with their limited income. Parents should raise their kids and not dump that responsibility on someone else. Yes, it is hard and it takes a lot of sacrifice. Appreciate grandparents and don’t abuse their kindness.
In Japanese there is a phrase "arigata-meiwaku". You should look it up =)
That's an interesting phrase. I had to ask my wife about it since she's Japanese.
Haven't seen you in awhile.
Bravo of this topic especially when you marry into a different culture that doesn’t do this. It’s not a right or wrong thing. If one enjoys being the daddy to his grandkids it is his choice. But don’t guilt trip your wife, your ignoring to help your single parent daughter. Aloha
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My family told me don’t ask for help this is my kid so don’t ask my uncles or aunties or grandparents. And we are 2 kids oldest one is 9 and we haven’t had not one person watch them in 9 years. Ever. We are burnt out some, but it’s ok I don’t want to put my kids onto others. My family is just honest so they said don’t ask us. I’m fine with it. 99.99% of my friends all have grandparents watching their kids 90% of the time and the parents watch the kids 5% and school watches the last 5%.
Idk I know grandparents don’t want to raise your kids they just don’t say it.
We often assume that the parents or grandparents can afford to take care of the little ones, but they are probably more broke.
Sometimes. I know some grandparents who are struggling to get by.
I often wonder who benefits from the rumor that public schools are so terrible that you have to send your kids to private school. All my friends went to public school and many now have master degrees. I do understand that paying for private school buys ypu that piece of paper that will impress other people that are in love with money, but are they really better? We have some pretty stupid dumbshtz that come from the ivy league university so what does that mean?! Money buys you pieces of paper that are code to the people with money.
Hey, @ least *try* 2 B understanding of the Harvard (as 1 example) dumbshits. Poor things…
cut the commercials about grandparents and get to it, brah
Commercials? 😆
A lot of grandparents are taken advantage of by their children which is their own fault. A lot of grandparents also take care of their grandchildren because their kids are either in jail or just losers.
Yeah, because childcare is so FUKIN high 🤷
It's expensive, but I think it's so worth it. Hopefully the State can expand the free pre-K faster so more families can have access to early education.