Regarding the cake one, I have a story! When I was about 17, one of my sets of parents got married on Halloween, and had a themed wedding. At this time, I had wanted to become a pastry chef, and had baked birthday cakes for my family for years, so for the wedding, they asked me to make a spooky wedding cake for them. BUT! They also asked my aunt, who was a professional baker, to make a more classic romantic one for them. So I made my dark one, with just a few tiers, black frosting, cobweb designs, and skeleton wedding toppers, and she made a beautiful white one with hearts and tons of tiers. They were different enough to feel like mine was actually important to the wedding, but there was also the support of knowing that if I messed it up in any way, my aunt's work would still be there. The cakes looked great next to each other! And it was a great way to let me feel included while also having a more professional cake there. I feel like there's a compromise that these two could make where the daughter doesn't feel left out, but also the husband is satisfied with the quality of the cake.
I was thinking something like this, why not let the daughter make the smaller cake for the bride/groom first cut and then have a larger professional cake for guests (since the hubs was worried about what the guests would think) that way they get to share the personal sentimental experience and the guests get the "professional" feel.. he even says that he has liked everything the daughter has baked before so there's no reason to think it would be awful...ugh
That is a perfectly rational compromise and respects everyone's feelings. If her telling of the story is true, though, there are still some major warning flags about their relationship as a couple.
@@InThisEssayIWill... they could even take it one step further and ceremonially cut two cakes, and the bride & groom could each have the upper hand on the knife for one of the cakes, to symbolize that they're equals, and break the weird idea at the same time ;)
That's a very nice story and proves that compromise in situations like this is super super easy. Like, there's so many solutions that can be sweet and meaningful: cut two cakes, or have the daughter's as the main cake and also have several smaller cakes that cover all tastes and dietary requirements... So my conclusion is that the couple in Shaaba's story hasn't learned what compromise is and that's certainly something to work on while heading into a marriage. Also, the sentimental value of things is ALWAYS more important than "market" value and should always have priority. Even in the groom's worst-case-scenario where the daughter's cake is the only one they have and it doesn't turn out great, I don't think the guests are going to be like "worst wedding ever - the cake wasn't great!", like who cares, unless they're judgmental aholes in which case they shouldn't be invited in the first place.
Same vibe as being a teen, everyone kept saying teen years are the happiest and life goes downhill after that so I had to make the most of it... I had severe and at that point undiagnosed depression. It made living with it so much worse. Life is much better now! No cure obvs but boii am i happier!
@@theythemgae9025 Wait, there are some people that say teen years are the best of your life ? Literally everybody I know knows and agrees that it's one of the most frustrating times of your life ! You have no idea who you are, you've got no confidence, emotions are all over the place, a lot of mental syndromes and problems arise then, even when you're lucky enough to get along with your parents, you still are often in conflict with them, and you have teen drama and homework to sort out on top of that. And that's if you're someone pretty privileged to begin with ! Seriously, I LOVED my highschool and the friends I made there, it was some of my most formative years, but even I think teen years suck. It's easy to remember the good times, but the truth is I was massively stressed out over my future, and in a highly toxic relationship that put me into depression. And most people I know had similar stuff. And frankly, it would be pretty depressing if the years you barely know who you are and consist one of the smallest parts of your life (even though it's a hugely important period) were the happiest. Why should the rest of life be all downhill ? Sorry, didn't mean to write a whole book on this x) it just made me sad to think people actually think like this
@@blooddragon805 Yes they do 😂 In high school, our class teacher told us that these years are going to be the best years in our lives, the ones we will always remember with nostalgia. Actually, the biggest change for the better in my life happened when I was just two months away from finishing high school, so I've only spent three months of these supposedly wonderful years being the happiest version of myself, and there is still a whole life of being the happiest - and certainly the healthiest mentally - version of myself ahead of me.
@@theythemgae9025lol I do look back on my teen years with some fondness. But I can absolutely say that my life, confidence and just overall well being has drastically improved. I think adults think they are saying “you have so many opportunities and I want you to seize them now rather than waiting” but that isn’t what they are saying at all. Being an adult has its own issues but at least most people feel much more comfortable in their own skin and realize that they have some control over their own life (if you don’t feel that you have some control over your situation I hope you can find someone to help you out of the situation you are in.)
This comes across as a bit cynical. It's obviously a euphemism. And, perhaps for some, it is their happiest day. The day their love is recognized by everyone. Why is it so unbelievable? For me, my happiest day was graduating with my bachelor's and achieving valedictorian. Can that change in the future? Sure. But no one can gatekeep what is best for anyone outside of themselves
On the first one: Having a couple of stitches and staying overnight in the hospital may not be medically that serious, but it's majorly serious to the child involved. It's also very scary to the other child. These very little kids need comfort and calm reassurance from. their parents. By blaming her twin, the bride made it harder for the mum to want to make any effort to get to the wedding.
Exactly. A kid in the hospital is gonna be scared and want his mom. Both kids are. To them it will feel like abandonment for her to disappear. I was seven when my mom was hospitalized. I had plenty of caring family. But my mom was gone and I was terrified.
Totally agree. I think we all know that feeling even as adults that when we are sick or in pain we just want our mums. For a baby this is 1000x as they don't have a concept of what is going on and when the pain, even from a minor injury, will end.
Absolutely. And there is evidence that children who have been through traumatic medical situations at a young age, even when they turned out okay, can experience anxiety, panic attacks, or PTSD symptoms later on related to the early childhood surgery/incident. That's nobody's fault when it happens, I think, but that is so potentially traumatic for the child (a one year old getting stitches on their head!!!) that I think the value of having both parents there is definitely worth it.
As a parent of a 1.5 year old and 4 year old, 100% agree (I think I would've agreed before being a parent, too, but even more so now). If one of my babies was going to the hospital, I don't care what else I'm doing. I'd be at the hospital ASAP. They'd be scared and need comfort and I'm the person who is their main comfort...there's no way I'm leaving them without that comfort.
This happening is a family emergency. It is not just a minor injury if they are being kept overnight. Head injuries of a baby are frightening because you have to watch them closely to note any changes. There are two children involved and both need the support of their parents. It's not like this was planned to ruin the sister's wedding. I always tell someone that is getting married that it is both your wedding. Also, that something will go wrong. You need to accept that and deal with it.
Yikes! Forget bridezilla, I would call off the wedding with the 41 year old manchild. There are so many red flags in that story that all I can do is hope she escapes that toxicity before her daughter thinks his behavior is normal and acceptable. He's not mature enough to be a husband and stepfather.
Re: the daughter making the wedding cake. This one disturbs me because it's about more than whose wedding it is. This is about the daughter. That the man the mom is set to marry may not be ready to step up and parent a sixteen year old. That it's not only himself and his new wife whose wishes he needs to take into consideration, but his new daughter's too. The mom, I'm sure, thought it was a great way to get her kid on board and feeling part of the nuptials, but her fiance apparently doesn't want her to be. That's a BIG problem. Because in a family with a child, she's a part of the marriage too. And his absolute refusal to take her contributions seriously or even see the need for them, spells a lot of danger ahead.
I definitely agree that most of the red flags lie with the fiance but the op made the decision on the cake without talking it over with him first. Just goes back to what Shaaba said that they're not seeing it from an "our wedding" perspective.
This is spot on. If it were me I'd probably have spoken to my spouse-to-me before mentioning it to my child (so as not to get hopes up). But I understand having said it as an idea without imagining the other half would have a problem with it. The 'my wedding' perspective was definitely taking over for the groom there, but actually from the way the whole post is phrased I don't think either of them were really thinking about the 16yo and their experience of the day.
Yes, that troubled me too. I could understand if he was worried about the daughter taking on too much by doing the cake as well as helping with whatever else goes into her mother's wedding. But it seemed he had more beef with the daughter's participation than anything. And I dunno, Im just not getting good vibes about him.
Literally this. It sounds like he's going in this with the mind set that she's going to college in a couple years and he won't have to "deal with her" for much longer and that's a real problem.
I'm sorry, but taking a child to a hospital is a very demanding situation. Yes, the injury ended up being minor, but that doesn't account for the panic, the adrenaline, the stress, the uncertainty, the heightened emotions. Maybe the mother could have gone back to the party, but then she would be distracted checking for updates from the husband and worrying about her children. She wouldn't likely have been very present or enjoyed herself, and she certainly wouldn't be able to be very attentive to the bride. When an Emergency Thing happens, it kinda just drains the rest of your day, even if the emergency doesn't happen to be as scary as you worried it might be. And a someone else's wedding is not more important than the well-being of you and your family (especially with kids that are so incredibly young).
I had a situation like that one lady with the bridesmaids dress. I’m nonbinary and don’t wear dresses or skirts. So when a friend asked me to be a bridesmaid I accepted as long as she understood I wouldn’t be wearing a dress but a suit which she agreed. Fast forward a month or two and she’s constantly making remarks of how I’m not going to match and comments about dresses ect… the real cherry on the cake though was the situation she had no problem putting me in. I’m a victim of relationship abuse and at the time (pre- ptsd therapy, I’m okay with this now) I couldn’t be alone with men I hadn’t built a trust with without panic attack ect… so knowing this she then tells me if I want to get a suit I have to go with the groom and his groomsmen to get them on my own (I’d only met the groom twice and never met the groomsmen). When I expressed to her that I didn’t feel comfortable doing that and suggested I take one of the other bridesmaids with she said no. I then suggested that maybe they can all go and I’ll make another appointment at the same place after so they can fit me with the suit and again it was a no. I ended up just backing out as there was no way we could compromise and I wasn’t about to put my mental health on the line.
@@InsomniacMoonbat yeah completely distanced myself. Had no desire to continue a friendship with someone who was able to understand those kinds of needs.
im sorry you went thru that, and im hoping you life has gotten batter since all of this. your ""friend""" was not nice about it at all, its good that you distanced yourself from her
@@jaydenglinka2525 My heart hurts so much knowing all the unnecessary anxiety and pain this supposed friend caused you all in the name of the illusive “perfect wedding.” I’m so sorry, friend. I’m glad you were able to prioritize your well-being and get away from this horrible person, but I’m sorry you even had to go through that in the first place. Sending you so much love and hopes that kinder people take her place in your life xx
Get a professional sheet cake for the wedding and the daughter gets to make the bridal party cake. Then the adult child shes marrying can eat professional cake. Or rethink getting married.
Regarding the sister who left the wedding to attend to child in hospital, absolutely not would I expect her to come back to the ceremony and here's why. Yes, it turned out to be a minor injury HOWEVER the whole family's adrenaline is still through the roof, inlaws are likely feeling like shit that this happened on their watch, and yeah, husband could stay behind with kids but then what, the three year old is stuck at the hospital bored while Dad sits with a traumatized 1 year old trying to manage emotions? And invariably neglecting the emotions of the other. No. Remember 1 is still practically an infant, barely walking, limited vocabulary still in diapers.. no those children just went through it and they need their primary care givers to ensure that this traumatic experience doesn't scar them. 1 year old may be held for observation by the hospital but a parent absolutely must be with them in that room to serve as an emotional anchor. And three year old is probably going to be scared to play with younger sibling for months just because of one accident. While it's wonderful that the physical injury was not a grievous as initially thought, the emotional needs of people this young are just as if not more important.
Yes!!! Also, not to mention that bride wanted the mother to come back and act normal to make the bride's day perfect. Like this isn't some performance.
yes!!! when I was little my mom went into anaphylactic shock after getting stung by a bee and dad had to take her to the hospital. I was left with my grandma and sat alone sobbing violently for hours while she had a tea party with friends. Mom was completely fine in the end but I was so traumatized that for years after if I heard a bug buzzing I would instantly start screaming and crying in terror. I'm 18 now and I still have a slight fear of insects which doesn't affect my day to day life fortunetely. I also still have nightmares about different bugs eating me alive or living under my skin sometimes but they're way less frequent now. In summary kids are way more sensitive to people around them hurting or getting hurt than some people think so comforting them and walking them through potentially traumatic events is incredibly important!
Yes, absolutely. I also think that weddings are way overrated, in the OP's priorities list, her sister's wedding isn't higher up than her children, can't blame her
The cake one was so weird tbh. Like it's just a cake and apparently they weren't even having a huge fancy wedding. Even if he really wanted a professional made cake it's EXTREMELY sus that he snapped that hard over a cake to say "this is a fucking joke". If I didn't want that then I'd go about it like most people would, rationally. There's no reason to say something like that to your soon to be wife about her daughter making your cake. It's a very minor issue and I'm sure you can find a compromise. Such an aggressive snap over a smaller matter is a red flag tbh. Also yeah the last one. If I had a wedding I wouldn't have bridesmaids because tbh I don't have alot of female oriented friends and I only have 2 sisters. Majority of my bridesmaids would have to be men and if I do get married they will be my best bridesdudes as they always have been for my life.
There has to be something deeper going on here. Maybe the groom doesn’t want the daughter involved in the wedding at all? Maybe he’s one of those people who would throw the children of the previous marriage out on the street at the first chance he gets?
Why did everyone else get to vote on the dress but not the OP? She said she was told the dress that everyone else voted on. Sounds like she's the only one who never got a chance to vote. Also no, she does not need to find another bridesmaid or drop with groomsmen. It doesn't have to be even. Weddings always show us who cares more about their aesthetic than their supposed friends.
I think they all voted but she was the only one that didn’t like that dress But I agree she absolutely had every right to express her discomfort about it and should definitely have been allowed to wear something else
On the daughter making the cake, I also feel for the daughter in this scenario--she's very much into baking, and she's excited to make her mom and stepdad a wedding cake. Having her stepdad already decide it's not going to be good enough for the family is a dreamkiller.
Fiancé doesn’t want OP’s daughter to make cake: ditch him, doomed. I want my wedding day to be perfect. - Give that up right now. Too many pieces and too many people to be perfect. Be content with “I want everyone to have a good time” because that’s doable.
Strong disagree. There's nothing inherently wrong with him wanting a professional cake. The problem is both of them being obsessed with it's "my" wedding. If they can't reach an agreement on this, getting married probably isn't the best option. Why does it seem everyone's opinion is he should butt out and let her have her way? Why is him wanting a professional cake "bad?" Calling him a man-child for "running to mummy" maybe he just vented his frustration and his mother took it upon herself to butt in. Such an evil man for having the audacity to have an opinion.
@@jakeand9020 There is when 'professional' just means paid for. The daughter can cook, she enjoys it, others like it and she has taken lessons in baking. Her cake would be good enough for a wedding, it would save them both money and it's a sweet, loving gesture for a ceremony that is meant to be about love. He comes across as cold and egotistical, like having the perfect wedding cake to go with his perfect weeding is more important than the wife/daughter wishes. It's not just because he doesn't want the daughter to bake the cake, it's also the reasons and how he expressed his opinions (there are ways to express that you want the cake professionally done without saying 'your daughters cake will embarrass my guests').
i’m just over here trying to understand how these folks are functioning in such unhealthy relationships?? the statement shaaba made about values is so important! regarding the ‘best man tale’ and ‘the cake story’, i just don’t see how either scenario is made up of couples with such opposing values - values that i can imagine would impact more than just planning a wedding 🥴
I think sometimes people don’t know how to back out of a wedding after it’s taken on a life of its own, even if they have noticed the fundamental incompatibilities. So things like the cake become the hill to die on because it either really highlights the incompatibility in a way that can’t be ignored, or because it’s easier to end things for a concrete reason (even if it looks trivial from the outside) than it would have been to end things for a less concrete misgiving.
Not only did I ask my aunt to make our wedding cake, but I asked people from both our families to make the dishes they're known for. Instead of taking 2 weeks off for a honeymoon, we had a 1 week honeymoon and took the week before the wedding off. We spent that week having small get togethers with family and friends so no one had to make food for 100 people alone. Every item we served was made with love and was absolutely delicious. Sure, there are professionals you could pay but the memories you could make with family and friends is priceless.
My parents had a potluck wedding and I think my grandma made the cake. So each person just brought a dish to feed a few people and between all the dishes there was enough food to go around.
I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid at one of my friend’s weddings because I’m non binary and didn’t want to wear a dress. I would’ve worn a suit or a jumpsuit or something, but she said this would take away from her on the day. We had an argument about it but I still went to the wedding, in a suit.
I’m so sorry this happened to you 🥺 You deserve to have people in your life who accept and love you exactly as you are. How ridiculous is it that a fucking dress is more important than their friend’s comfort and well-being. Really just showing their true colors right there.
I think something I'm realizing is that traditional wedding structure is so aggressively gendered it's kind of antithetical to queer existence. Like the whole idea of the groomsmen "escorting" the bridesmaids.
I don't understand someone prioritising aesthetic or whatever over their actual friends and moral support. Really weird, sorry it happened, and I hope the friend apologised.
That last one seems to care more about her family having a perfect day than her future husband...that would have been the end of the relationship for me.
Erm, the last one is really hard, because coming from a difficult and enmeshed family background, I can understand where the bride might be coming from. I can understand that maybe she isn't very far along on her self-discovery journey and that maybe she hasn't figured out how to entirely separate herself from her family yet. And that I want to give her grace for where she's at in her life, because I was at a similar point in life not even that long ago. But at the same time, she's hurting and controlling other people, and that isn't okay. Maybe there is hope in that she is asking if she is the a**hole. And hopefully the responses will help motivate growth and not shut her further in herself.
Agreed. It can be hard to ignore family wishes. Especially if you are younger and closer to the age where they dictated your life. I do think though, that if you are still at the point where you are willing to hurt your partner (she might not have yet realized that’s what she’s doing so there is hope) to appease your family you might not be ready to get married yet. There’s nothing wrong with that, sometimes you just need to put the brakes on and realize that you aren’t ready to take that step yet. But I hope she can grow from this and that she can apologize in a genuine way to her fiancé.
About that last one, I am getting married in May and I have a Maid of Honor and my two Bridesmen as my side of the wedding party. My grandma's not gonna like it, but she can deal. Who cares about gender stereotypes when it's your wedding.
One consideration is that after being poked and prodded by needles in an unfamiliar environment, the child may have had an emotional need for the presence of both parents and the child's needs should be considered before the emotional needs of a mature adult. I would have chosen to exclude children from the celebration. It can make it more difficult for guests who have children to attend
Personally I picked a colour that suited my bridesmaids and let them pick what they wanted. One of them wore a dress and the other a suit (she's non-brinary and was so happy to have her feeling comfortable and didn't have to mask)
That’s because you’re an awesome person! I had a friend who picked a fabric and said “make whatever you want using THIS” and they all looked unique and amazing and comfortable and happy and GREEN and it was fabulous. And then there was my sister. I won’t even go into my just saying NO and that shocking the hell out of her (like REALLY, have we met? because on what planet?) but she chose a long silver “column” dress, “because it would look great on everyone,” everyone being bridesmaids ranging from five feet to six feet tall, fat to skinny, boobs to no boobs, whatever you’ve got. Seven variations of body types. And my tall skinny sister thought “everyone looks good in the clothes that I like.” And her husband’s sister exclaimed on the wedding day, and I quote, “I LOOK LIKE A THIMBLE!”
Same, I’ve chosen the colour and gave a loose spec on the look I wanna go (themes LoTR/fantasy woodland) means they can choose cuts that they’re comfy in :)
I was a bridesmaid this year, and the bride did exactly the same - she only picked a color, also trying to go for a color that she knew we were all ok with. We ended up buying dresses from the same online shop (in my country jt is not really a thing to have bridesmaids so we couldn't just go into a shop sadly) and the models we picked just happened to be the same fabric, so the result was stunning! I honestly think it is very hard to find a single type of dress (or outfit) that makes everyone feel comfortable. I was happy to make my friend happy on her big day, but of course one of the reasons I love her is that she's not the kind of person who would make her friends feel uncomfortable on purpose for the sake of aesthetics :")
This is what I want to do - give them a colour theme (maybe a choice of a few shades or matching colours) and a budget, then tell them to get whatever they want to wear.
I love the look of having the group wear outfits with something tying them together (color is my favorite, especially when it's also the same fabric) but with different design that's a good fit for each person individually. To my eye it implies less "interchangeable props" and more "group of friends who are coming together to celebrate the people getting married," which is what I would want for any friends I'd ask to participate in a wedding.
Every single time I hear one of these bridezilla stories, I want to shake them. YES, we all want our wedding day to be "perfect." But it's ONE day (sometimes two, congrats, Shaaba!) and if you wreck your relationships over something like someone not wanting to wear a dress that doesn't suit them at all, you get to live with THAT for the rest of your life. There is one person in my wedding pictures who, frankly, was completely inappropriately dressed. (even a "casual" wedding is usually not jeans and a t-shirt...) However...I cherish those pictures. She passed away maybe two years later and I never got to tell her how much I treasured her stepping in to help me get ready for my wedding. Seeing her in those pictures, smiling and looking like HERSELF is so much more valuable that if she had either stayed away or been unrecognizable in a dress and makeup.
Regarding the child injury one, I am also childfree. My wedding didn't have any kids on the guest list. I specifically didn't invite some poeple because I knew they'd insist on bringing their awful kids (these ones in particular were prone to screaming if they weren't the most important person in the room). I don't want to be around kids really, but I'll deal with it at other people's occasions, since it isn't about me. HOWEVER, where does someone get the audacity to think their wedding is more important than a parent going to see their one year old in a hospital? Like... There were other adults around to help make sure your wedding went smoothly. Yes, your wedding should be all about you. But that hospital visit is going to be super scary for those kids, and they need their parents more than you need your maid of honor. There's a huge difference between not liking children and not respecting their existence, and this particular childfree person seems not to understand that. Having been married for 5 years now, I can safely say that the wedding is a super important day, but not the most important thing in your life. The marriage is way more important than the ceremony, and the physical and emotional wellbeing of these children is too. The other bridesmaids and groomsmen can step up to pitch in and cover whatever responsibilities the MoH can't now complete. And since the one who did so did it terribly, maybe be salty with them?
I was the groom’s “best woman” at my friend’s wedding many years ago! His now wife (who also quickly became one of my favourite human beings) had absolutely no problem with the fact that his best friend happened to be a woman. They had a blended stag/hen evening, a beautiful wedding (I wore a black column dress in lieu of a formal suit) and yes, I got to give the best woman’s speech, including lots of amusing (but entirely harmless!) stories from the years of our friendship. They’re still married, coming up to a couple of decades later, and it’s still a favourite memory for all of us. No bridezilla antics needed!
Re cake story: I think on the "this is our wedding not mine" note, it could have been helpful for them to propose the idea to their partner before asking their daughter in front of him. I think if my partner came up to me like "I made a decision about our wedding!" and had finalized it without consulting me I'd be more likely to have a negative opinion of their idea. His reaction isn't justified or right, still the asshole, but maybe he would've been in a state of mind to just reasonably suggest a second cake that he chose if he felt included in the decision in the first place. Nothing saves the running to his mom for help though lmao.
Kids at a wedding feels ...odd to me. Then again, my culture defines weddings as loud events lasting well into the night, sometimes dawn, with large amounts of alcohol.
I got my husband's cousin to make the cake. I personally really enjoyed getting my friends and family involved in our wedding. I'm a social introvert so I was much nicer to have friends and family help us on the day
I'm childfree, I DONT like kids, they make me cringe, but even I would tell her to go to her baby. And if my dog was at the vet, I would expect the same. The sister might also just be devastated since her parents and grandparents aren't around and not having her sister there must have sucked. But that doesn't make it the OPs fault.
The husband and cake one bugs me. As a step parent I wonder if he’s not treating her as his own. I’ve seen that many times and can’t stand it. My step son was our ring barer and my step daughter was a brides maid it made it super special
Re: the cake one, the thing that I'm concerned about is that the husband to be is embarrassed to this degree by his stepdaughter's work. His words are belittling to her, and that's concerning because yes, a marriage is a partnership, but it's also the joining of families. I hope he wouldn't tell his stepdaughter to her face that he thinks her work is embarrassing and childish.
So, I say this as a childfree person, who does try to avoid kids where possible - not that I hate them or anything so dramatic, I just don’t find them particularly cute and they’re just so _loud_ , plus I struggle to control my facial expressions, so I find it best to avoid them rather than, like, have them excitedly run up to me shrieking only to be met with a death-glare. I’m not a huge fan of them, but I also don’t want to be out here traumatising toddlers for being happy, you know? That being said, any head injury on a toddler is going to be terrifying, for the parents and the kid, and the idea of having a go at someone for being with their tiny child while that tiny child is literally hospitalised is insane to me. Like yeah, it turned out not to be so bad in the end, but if I insisted my cousin leave her baby in the hospital to come to my party because the baby was ‘just in for observation’, and then suddenly the kid ends up with swelling on the brain or something and she’s not there with him? I’d be horrified. Luckily nothing too bad happened in this case, but just because someone’s only staying in for obs it doesn’t mean they can’t take a sudden turn for the worse, come on. Your kids come first, end of story. With the cake one, good to know yer man would rather spend a stupid amount of money on buying a cake (because it’s always ridiculously expensive, because they know they can gouge you for weddings), over having a beautiful, heartfelt family moment. Cake is cake, my dude. Every wedding cake I’ve seen unveiled has received a universal “oh that’s nice” response; unless you’re dropping a few grand on something made by top artisans, I guarantee saying “(daughter) made this!” will get a better response, so long as she really is an above-average baker. Obviously if she’s actually terrible and it’s actually a sloppy, burned, lopsided monstrosity then disregard the rest of this, maybe save it for the rehearsal or something. The last two are fully bridezillas. I’m currently preparing to be bridesmaid for my best mate, and she didn’t just consult me on my dress, we actually picked it out together, as she did with the other bridesmaids, because “I want you all to actually enjoy your day too, it’s not just about me”. And dictating who your partner can have as best man/bridesmaid, using any reason less than like “they’re a sex offender/bigot/actively engaged in cheating with my partner”, is a dick move. Especially since her reasoning is that she has to please her conservative asshole family members, then using the fact his family is smaller against him when the best woman is specifically stated to have been chosen for _helping him when his mother died_ ?!? Fuck right off, seriously.
One of my best friends is my ex-boyfriend (we just didn’t work romantically) and I wanted him to be a part of my wedding. Instead of bridesmaids I had brides-mates lol. My own extended family thought I was crazy but my husband was very supportive because he knows how important this person is to me. I think it’s so important for SO’s to understand each other and where they come from. That last bride needs to sort out her priorities lol.
On the cake story, I totally agree w u. I think the best compromise would be to have 2 cakes. My mom wanted a fancy cake and my dad wanted a more personal one. They had both. The fancy cake my mom wanted and a sheet cake w a black truck draw on it that looked very similar to the truck my dad picked my mom up in the night they met. And they took photos w both cakes. The couple in that post could do the same
I had never heard of groom's cakes until I saw "Steel Magnolias". I assume it came out of a southern custom. Now groom's cakes are more common at a lot of weddings. This would be a lovely solution for the couple. But with the way he reacted, I think that there is a lot more to deal with for this couple.
@@westzed23 My parents r both from rather southern families so that doesn't surprise me. And I agree that there seemed to be more underlying issues in that post, I was just pointing out that this would've been an easy way to solve the problem if it had just been about the cake
@@westzed23 Oh that explains the second cake at my uncle's wedding like 20 years ago. I liked it better because it was chocolate, but it was also decorated with farm animals or something. Anyway, pretty much the only thing I remember from that event.
I had 6 cakes at my wedding. A friend made one, but as they were not a professional baker it was small - like a birthday cake. We put the cake toppers on it. Then the caterer made 5 more, each the same size as my friend’s and in different flavors and dietary restrictions (dairy-free etc). The kids in my family still talk about the legendary “wedding with 6 cakes”.
Coming in way late, but I was actually a best woman at a wedding for a friend. The bride had her brother (who also walked her down the aisle) be her man of honor, and they both just wanted people whom they felt close to and supported by standing at their side on their day.
Completely agree on the last story. My 2 closest friends r not the same gender as me, but 1 of them is a big reason that I survived high school (my mental health was sh!t) and the other has helped me so much w being more comfortable w who I am as a person. I love them, and no 1 would ever get to tell me that I couldn't have them w me on what was supposed to be 1 of the best days of my life
For my wedding, I told my 3 bridesmaids to pick their own dresses, as long as they were floor length and black. One wore one she already had, one bought hers secondhand for $7 (with the $250 price tag still attached), and my MOH paid $40 for hers. They all looked great, and they got to wear what they were comfortable with. I do wish I'd asked the one to take off her iWatch because it was unattractive in the photos, but oh well 🤷♀️
I told my 4 bridesmaids to pick something purple that they would wear again. Two of them coincidentally chose the same dress, a third picked something more formal, and the fourth had a family emergency and didn’t make it to the wedding so poor bridesmaid #3 looked mismatched. Did I care??? Noooo, I thought it was hilarious that two of them bought the same dress!
@@lucialma that makes for a great story when you look at wedding photos years later! Often times it's the things that are a bit "off" or weird that make for the best stories afterwards. I mean, nobody would even ask about the dresses if everyone wore the same or everyone wore different ones 😄
1st story: idc how minor the injury is, op’s very young child was staying overnight in the hospital. If I were the parent, I’d want to be there, if I were the child, I’d want my parents there, & if I were the bride, I’d understand that an overnight stay in the hospital is more important than my wedding party. Yes, it sucks that op couldn’t be there when the rest of the family wasn’t (I’m curious as to why), but a child should be a parent’s top priority.
Shortly before our wedding, my husband’s cousin fell ill with something dreadful. He clearly couldn’t make it, and his sister stayed behind to look after him in the hospital. He’s recovered well, but hindsight didn’t make Husband and I angry at their non attendance.
I traveled 100 miles with my sister to our niece's wedding. She got hit with a horrendous migraine, and could not attend. The following day was the gift opening and I broke the lens of my glasses which gave me a more minor migraine but I had to get an eye mask and medicine. I called the MOB and explained that we would be late. All she said as I gave an update of us still being later that others were staying just to see us. When we did get there she made a comment on money. My niece was glad to see us and told us not to worry. I had done the wedding photography at the service and reception so she did not get photos of the gift opening done by me. I was able to take other photos I had wanted, like of the rings taken with their hands over the bouquet and with her grandparents and others. She told me she was happy and not to feel bad for missing anything. My sister and I were pleased that she and her husband were glad just to be able to do what we could.💐❤️ I don't think that MOB understood that my sister traveled 100 miles so that she could not see her niece wed, but spend the whole day in a hotel room lying in bed with a damp towel over her eyes. 🤕
Extended family members can deal with being upset for one day. I felt like it was a lot easier for me to ignore the pressure from other people because we paid for everything ourselves. We kept the traditional wedding elements that appealed to us, and scrapped all the rest. It took a while for me and my spouse to get on the same page - he's got an unexpected traditional streak and I'm tradition phobic - but we found ways to compromise and honor the things that mattered to each of us. It's been five years, and our family still talks about how beautiful the event was. It's just one day. Enjoy it.
So on the cake one, its like, the one thing that would bother me more than anything is the reaction and the fact its all based on what other people would think. If he had come to her and said "i always imagined getting a professional cake with this filling and it looked this way, ever since we said about marriage" or whatever, like it had been a dream of his, then absolutely it would be sooo rude of her to be like no, its my day. But they are having a small wedding, with family, and i would be concerned by how much he cared what his family thought.
If I had a kid that was injured and in hospital I would stay by their side the entire time no matter how minor the injury's might be. It's a baby it was likely incredibly stressful for them and their parents.
Thank you, Shaaba. Seriously. Thank you for pointing out that a wedding is important but it's not *The Most Important Thing* . You and Jamie are so inspiring and encouraging, and I am so happy I found your channels! ❤️ The last one is 1,000% an A-hole! When my boyfriend and me decide to marry, my Maid of Honor is going to be my Triple A sibling (asexual, aromantic, and agender) and my boyfriend's best man will be his sister. Everything you said, Shaaba, was exactly what I would say!
Congratulations! You and your love have planned a beautiful wedding. This shows that when couples talk together they have a happier time on getting married. 💐💖🥰
At my own wedding I went with my bridesmaids and we had them pick out a dress in the same color but one that looked best on them. As it turned out, of my 5 bridesmaids, the Maid of Honor had her own dress and the two school friends of mine wore the same dress and my younger sister and church friend who was my sister's age wore the same dress. It was perfect! And they were all very happy in their dresses!
My own wedding was quite small, held in a registry office with a few family members and friends. I was just so happy to finally call my girlfriend my wife and honestly I didn’t care about the size of the wedding (I hate big parties anyway). The organisation of the marriage was not as happy, including but not limited to: 1. just after my wife’s proposal we were assaulted 2. I was outed to the members of the congregation at my local church and was banned The perks of being gay, am I right?
Talk about a monumental union... assault AND ostracization! Gartz on spousedom! Hope you've found a more accepting congregation since, if that's something you've been wanting.
For the first one: brain damage doesn't always show immediately - so what is initially thought to be just a minor injury can actually reveal itself later to have been something more serious.
Yes, it really isn't minor if they need to observe overnight. Also there are two children to care for. I tell anyone getting married that no matter how much you plan, there always is something that goes wrong. Accept this and enjoy your wedding. Life is too short to forget that you are not the only one involved.
The plus size girl in the dress made me feel so sad. I am big too, like Lizzo big but short so I look like a dumpling. I have worn body con dresses and honestly it looked nice BUT I was so, so, so, SO strapped into that thing. And the only compression suit that fit me didn't have a "privacy slit" so when I went to the bathroom I had to take the whole thing down. Not a big deal for me because I only wear it on dates and we are out for a few hours and I'm not doing anything. But at a wedding you are going to be in it all day, sweating, rushing around, picking things up, moving things about. No. Hell no. The idea that on "your day" you should get a free pass to make everyone you love uncomfortable is infuriating. Where does this rudeness come from??
The bride to be should not have asked the daughter to bake the cake before discussing it with the groom to be because if you already asked a 16 old to do something special like that, you shouldn't take it away from them. However his reaction was absolutely ridiculous, especially involving his mom in the issue. I personally would rather a professional do it if it were my wedding but if someone already promised the job to a kid, who am I to break a kid's heart?
The dress one baffles me. For my wedding I had my bridesmaids choose an inexpensive dress that we all liked and then I let them customise them however they wanted. Like some of them wanted sleeves and one wanted no sleeves. One was pregnant and she added a maternity skirt to hers in the same colour. It looked really cool and I liked the fact that they all had a slightly different variation of the same dress. Also my husband's cousin made our cake and his aunt made my dress and we had all our family bring food, and everyone loved it lol. I can't understand these "it must be professional and fancy or it'll be embarrassing" people. I don't know why you'd want people in your life who would judge you about such things.
The best action for the maid of honor would have been to give hugs to the injured kid and trust the dad to take care of him while coming back to the wedding when you can. That's sad failure to do that doesn't make you the AH. I would put that story as no AH here bordering on everybody sucks here. If OP had come back halfway through the reception by herself to see what she could still cover it would be a clear NTA. For the wedding and the cake issue I would suggest that the daughter make cupcakes for the cocktail hour as I'm supposed to the wedding cake.
For the second story (16 yo baker, wedding cake) , I feel like when the bride said “they were telling me what to do for my wedding”, that she didn’t mean “mine, mine, mine” in the same way that the husband did, but was hurt and shocked that him and his mom were using aggression and fear tactics to try to control her. I think that’s what she meant. I’m just speaking as someone who grew up around people pulling that shit all the fucking time, and it’s exhausting. I would graciously cooperate and do things their way, but not when they manipulated the situation like that. Nuh uh. Then, it’s a problem.
In regards to the first one, I don’t think people understand how much children become the centre of someone’s world till they have them themselves Edit: In regards to the last one, it’s sad in 2022 people are still thinking for wedding’s men have groomsmen and woman have bridesmaids. What do they think happens at LGBT weddings?
When I was pregnant with my daughter we got an invite to a wedding in Finland (we lived in the South of Germany), and when I asked about the accomodation I was told I couldn't bring my daughter who would have been four months old at the time of the wedding. The bride couldn't understand that I (and my husband) wouldn't just leave our baby with my parents for three to four days to travel there. I was still fully breastfeeding at the time of the wedding, and just a week before the wedding she asked again to change my mind ... but she didn't have own children, so I guess she couldn't imagine. We didn't go to the wedding and our friendship crumbled after (though the wedding wasn't the only reason).
@@miralyse.3846 I’m sorry to hear that, my nephew is nearly 6 months old but my SIL still won’t leave him for more than a couple hours as she is breastfeeding
@@miralyse.3846 Same happend at a wedding we attended. The bride didn‘t want any children at the wedding. Guest from germany didn‘t come because their youngest was only a few months old. And the sister in law (that was a bridesmaid) had to organize someone to look after her new born. She had to leave to feed him and her parents stayed at the hotel near the venue to look after him.
@@miralyse.3846 Wow. While I was pregnant with my first we went to a wedding where no kids were allowed. (For financial reasons, it was an unwanted but necessary choice by the couple. And we’re in Sweden, where a couple pays for their own wedding.) One of the guests had a small baby, which was obviously a part of the wedding - otherwise they wouldn’t have been able to go! I don’t get how people can expect someone to leave a baby with babysitters for longer than a few hours… Similar thing a few years before that when I got married. We had a tiny wedding, where everyone was invited to the church but only our closest friends and family (28+1 guests) were invited to the dinner after. The +1 guest was my husband’s cousin’s one year old, since we knew they wouldn’t be able to come without the toddler.
My sister was "Best Man" for her high school/college best friend. His family, friends, and Fiancée totally supported it and had a great time. We heard a few of her more distant relatives grumbling during the ceremony about how "your wife should be your best female friend and having another woman up there is inappropriate" but like, nobody IMPORTANT cared, nobody close to them even thought twice about it. If you want someone to stand with you on an important day, nobody else should get to have an opinion about it.
I'm a wheelchair user and queer. I wore a suit to both of my best friends weddings as maid of honour. And make up to mess with older relatives, got lots of chatter all night so funny. Both sets of friends included me and allowed me to be comfortable and share the love. These stories make me so grateful for all my friends who really see and value difference. Especially because family and (indeed friends) can be hard. Authenticity matters♿🏳🌈🏳⚧🌏
I always ran to my mum to ask for help when I was upset with my step dad, even when I was in my late teens already. But never ever, ever would I let my mother fight my fight with my boyfriend/fiancé. That's just- no... I wouldn't want my parents to be that involved in my relationship with my partner.
Me and my boyfriend aren't engaged, but we've had several discussions about what we might like at our future wedding for this exact reason - we both want to be on the same page when the busy stressful part comes. We've already agreed on some things like type of venue, food, size of wedding, entertainment, potential guests, etc.
That's so great that you and your love are talking about important things together. I think that you both are going to have a long time of love together. 💖
I’d definitely recommend watching these videos together- and discussing what you would do in the same situation. My wife and I used to read advice columns together in the newspaper (wow, that makes me sound old, but it was 10 years ago).
My MOH is very religious and therefore choosey about what she wears. I love her, so I gave her some cash and a color and told her to pick what she felt most comfortable in. What she picked was definitely not something I would’ve picked for a MOH, but she was there, happy, and comfortable. What more could I ask for? My 16 yo SIL volunteered to do 2 important duties for our wedding and I agreed to it. One came out a bit cringe-y, but I still cherish that contribution. The other she did an AMAZING job, better than many professionals! Almost everything for our wedding was a contribution from friends and family. It made the wedding so cozy and personal.
If I was marrying, first of all, my nieces and nephews would be front and stage. If for some reason they ended up in the hospital I would have left with my sister to make sure they were ok. A party can be delayed for a few hours... priorities
The story about the daughter baking the wedding cake: as a compromise, how about getting the daughter a chance to bake the cake WITH a pro baking team? Shop around to local bakeries and find one willing to let her work with them for one project. If she's had classes, there's probably some photos of her work she could use as references to show she'll take the task seriously. It's a win-win. Hubby gets his "pro-quality" cake, daughter gets to contribute to mom's special day and learn from experts while she's doing it. Heck, if the daughter's considering going into baking professionally herself it would be an even more valuable experience. Might even earn her some job references or "call us when you're old enough to work here legally, and we'll make room for you" offers. --------------- All that being said, I 100% agree with Shaaba that there's an underlying values issue between OP and her fiance/husband that needs looked into ASAP. A compromise might fix this one problem, but the difference in priorities isn't going to go away unless they find the core problem and address it in a healthy manner.
The last one made me laugh. I had a "bride's man" and my husband has a "groom"s woman" because that's who our friends are and our family's knew this so no one was surprised. Of course the older family members said something but I said "our wedding, our money, our way"
When I planned my wedding, my wife and I made a short list of things that were important to us (and mental health was number one). When a difficulty came up during the wedding planning, we would check - and if it wasn’t on the list we wouldn’t worry about it, just make the easiest decision or skip it altogether.
@@grutarg2938 That sounds so much more enjoyable way to start a marriage. It might be helpful for other couples for you to share that perspective with as many people who you can reach. I don't think that occurs to most people who are planning to get married. You could help a lot of people.
@@Ona1979 Thanks, I'm glad you liked my suggestion. It was based on the fact that my wife has a mental illness, and we decided that if getting married was going to give her a nervous breakdown, then we'd rather not get married at all. But if we were going to get married, what were the things that were most important: such as saying vows, inviting our close friends and family to witness, and wearing pretty dresses with big skirts that twirl around when you dance. I think one of the challenges is that wedding professionals never know what is going to be important to people, so they always try to give you lots of options. And then before you know it you can get sucked into a 30-minute discussion of something like napkin color.
@@grutarg2938 Prioritizing our mental health and the mental health of those that we love is so important. Too many people put a priority on the show and not the feelings that the couple is there to celebrate. I am so happy for you both. 💚
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to share my tea on an AITA style forum... Just to see other people's reactions. But I always have qualms. Like I don't want to violate the other person/people's right to privacy. Even if I were to do it anonymously I'd feel icky? I looooove reading and watching other people's drama though! Thanks Shaaba for another gem of a reaction video! XD
Yikes, the bridesmaid’s dress one! I’m currently double the size I was in my profile picture, anything that I know is unflattering on my, gives me physical discomfort to the point of pain. My theory is that being aware of visible rolls, etc., makes us so conscious of whatever we deem as our flaws, we try to manoeuvre our body in such a way it gets hidden a bit. If that makes sense. Also, why do these people care sooo much about what others think about their day.
Yikes. These posts just reinforced my general feeling that weddings often bring out the WORST in people, rather than the best. I agree with Shaaba on all of these.
I'm childfree, and very adamant about it because I've been shamed and attacked for it by immediate family. But even though I am CF and don't enjoy being around children either (some CF people do), I understand that health concerns take priority over weddings. That bride was definitely being a douchebag here.
I'm a trained confectioner, so I know how stressful making a wedding cake can be. Because of _that_ - and not because of the future husband - I'd recommend ordering at least some kind of cake/cupcakes/brownies. That way even if something with the daughter's cake goes wrong, there's still back-up. I don't really understand what the future husband's problem is. Does he not like her cakes? Is he afraid it won't look like a "propper wedding cake"? Maybe the daughter could make the cake now, so that they can see and try it. Would also be a good training for her.
The cake one feels like there would be a very simple compromise if the husband didn’t overreact and go to his mother. I feel like it would be appropriate to have the daughter do a sample cake to show what exactly she wanted to make to prove her abilities and show her ideas for look and flavor since we don’t know her ability levels for both baking and decorating. If it’s up to par, then by all means! It’s totally fair for the mother to want her daughter doing it and if the fiancé wouldn’t be a giant snob, he might actually be happy with what she’d come up with. EDIT: omg I wrote this before the person suggested a trial cake!! 😂
Your point about basic values is so underrated and overlooked in relationships. Your values don't need to match up perfectly but they should be mutually acceptable. Like in this case, if they just accepted that they value different things they could compromise. Like, sure getting his mom involved was very childish however her idea was a good compromise. If only it had come from him or her. Let the kid make a groom's cake or treats for the dinner, or let her design the cake/work with a professional or something. I'm sure this isn't the first time this clash of values had happened. I'm sure earlier the stakes weren't that high, particularly for her as that's her kid and seemingly her she's her first priority, for him it's the wedding. I think that's another value clash, one that should be taken seriously when kids are involved.
As for the first story, I do have an anecdote: In 2018, both of my sisters went to Mexico for destination weddings. They had totally different weddings at different venues and my oldest sister's wedding was first. I'm 29 now, but was 25 then. My best friend and I were in our hotel room getting ready for the ceremony. I'm handicapped, so we stayed in a room with a wheelchair friendly bathroom. I can walk, I just have a limp and walk slow. As we got ready, we kept going in and out of the bathroom which had a large mirrored barn door. The locking mechanism wasn't working so we had to slam it pretty hard to engage the lock. Well, as I was almost done I was planning to check my makeup one last time, I opened the mirrored door only for it to shatter right in in front of me. Glass flew everywhere cutting my all the way up to my arms. I went into shock as this enormous, knee-high pile of glass sat in front of me. I couldn't talk or think, so thank God my bff was there because she grabbed a pair of shorts for me to move the glass away and for me to step on. I tried to call my mom but I had forgotten that you can't make calls in Mexico. Luckily, she came in shortly after and saw the enormous pile of glass and blood all over and called up the hotel doctor to check on me. He determined that he couldn't stop the bleeding by himself so I needed to go to the ER. It was close by, so my dad accompanied me to the hospital. It took about an hour for the doctor to come and pull embedded glass out of my foot and stitch it. I ended up delaying the wedding for an hour while everyone was freaking out about me. I apologized for delaying the wedding and you know what? The wedding went on. It was lovely and everyone had tons of fun. My sister didn't get mad or blame me for being careless or for ruining her wedding, even though I felt like I did. She loves me and was just glad it wasn't serious. That's how a true sister acts. I was fine, it was no big deal, but she still waited for me rather than freak out about the wedding happening a little later than intended. EDIT: forgot to mention that my bff and I are short and small. There's absolutely no way our strength alone was responsible for that door's shattering.
@@westzed23 Thank you. My brother-in-law helped me out at my other sister's wedding since it was down a flight of stairs on the side of a cliff (the restaurant where she had the ceremony is literally called Le Kliff) since my foot was still pretty tender. Both of the weddings were wonderful and I'm glad I didn't have a worse accident.
With the first one, on top of what everyone else has been saying, people would've been asking where OP went. And when people invertibly found out her kid was in the hospital, it doesn't matter how non-serious it was the attention would be away from the sister at her own wedding.
I don’t have or want kids, but if I get married several siblings will have kids. If I learned my niece or nephew or nibbling is in the hospital on my wedding, I’d just be worried about them!!! Wtf??? How can you love someone and be mad about that. Like, of course she’s gonna go, and I’d be texting once free to check up on everyone.
The wedding cake story: Did I understand something wrong or did the mother/bride to be not ask her fiance before asking the daughter? This argument should have taken place BEFORE asking the daughter to do the cake. The grooms reaction was absolutly bad and should not be how an adult and future step-dad reacts (huge red flag with running to mummy), but she shouldn't make decisions about THEIR wedding ALONE. I can totally see, why she would want her daughter to make the cake, i would too if in a similar position, but she can't decide that on her own. They want to be a team, a team decides together.
Scenario 1: it's awful that OP was put in that tough spot, but the image that haunts me is a 1 yr old with stitches. That's just horrifying, and it wasn't until the next day that the doctors were sure there wasn't serious internal injury. I'm not a parent, but I can't imagine leaving my tiny baby's side while waiting to learn whether or not they were seriously hurt. Had OP gone back to the party, would she have been able to celebrate or would she have been shattered with anxiety? All the conversations she would have had would have been about her child in the hospital, and I bet a bunch of people would have given her shit for leaving her baby at that time. And the bride would have been pissed no matter what - for not being in the ceremony, for not focusing on her, etc. I think OP made the right call by not half assing either of her roles and choosing her child over a party. Scenario 2: I think you hit the nail on the head by pointing out the difference of values in the couple. Why does the groom care so much about professionalism in this detail? Why are his values so superficial? Does he not support his future daughter-in-law's dreams? Why does he value the opinions of others over his partner's or stepdaughter's? Why does he think it's ok to run to mama when he's having a spat with his partner? Why does he feel he's being rational but the bride isn't? These are some core questions y'all need to work out ASAP because they're important for the rest of your lives. The only thing OP could have done to improve the situation slightly would have been to ask the groom's opinion on cakes beforehand in private before involving the daughter. They could have had these discussions without risking the 16-yr-old's feelings in the process. Scenario 3: get new friends omfg I'm so sorry, love Scenario 4: OP has some unexamined snobbery and internalized misogyny she needs to address. She devalues her partner's found family as lesser than her blood family, and that is fucked up. She doesn't even know if Phil and Catherine work in the same department, she's so uninterested in her partner's people! She hasn't reflected on wedding traditions and all the bullshit they entail so is allowing weird sexism to hurt her partner. The biggest yikes.
im child free and i think i will be for the rest of my life but i honestly think op going to the hospital to see if her baby was okay was the right move, no question about that. and i also dont blame her for not returning to the party although depending on the exact situation she probably could have. i have two brothers and i think i would be more disappointed if they stayed instead of seeing for themselves if their child is okay especially with the state of my country's healthcare system.
I never understood people prioritizing their family like that. You're getting married, meaning you're starting a new family and escaping the old one. So how do they expect to call the shots?
FYI, that "Woman Best Man" one had an edit/update, where OP actually read the responses and came to her senses (thanks, rareddit!). "EDIT: Wow okay, this was quite a ride. I took a few hours to read and sieve through the comments. There are people who've actually broken down what my whole issue is about, and I'd like to thank them because while I wouldn't have wanted to get this reality check in this way I'm glad I did get it. And to those who are saying that I'm controlling, I promise you I'm not such a crazy person in our daily life. The wedding is getting to be quite the stressful event because I have a big family and ever since I was a little girl accommodating the entire family has been the number 1 priority. So, I guess in a way I was trying to continue that but I forgot that it is not just me who will be getting married. Philip is also here. I had a talk with him after work, yes I apologized and we decided that the reason this wedding planning is seeming too overwhelming is because of the sheer involvement my family has in it. So we have decided to cut back on it, make it a bit more minimalistic as Philip wants. We'd be inviting less cousins from my side (just hoping it doesn't become a big issue, but even if it does I'll have my dad deal with them). Lastly, I'm not insecure about Catherine. As I said, she is a very nice lady and I have no problem with her besides the one (I thought I had) explained in the post. We will be asking her to be the best man, with the special invite. !!!! Also, stop sending abuse in the messages. !!!!" rareddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xahqnm/aita_for_not_letting_my_fiance_have_a_woman_as/
in the first scenario it compeltely makes sense for the bridesmaid to leave and be with her son. A young child being hit on the head badly enough to be taken to hospital is serious. You don't know how serious until he's checked by the doctors. He ended up being okay and just needing stitches, but at the time she got the phone call, she didn't know that.
As someone who used to work in a restaurant as a cashier and food runner, I would be very careful to always ask “is that an allergy or a preference?” When they asked for things off or other such specifications because I wanted to be sure that we were following proper procedure if it was an allergy. Most people I think perceived it as a way to ignore their request if it’s a preference, so most often, they would respond with something along the lines of “uh, allergy…” or “why?” And I would say “oh I’m just checking because if it is an allergy there is an extra procedure we have to do.” And if they looked curious I would add “that involves thoroughly sanitizing everything to avoid cross contamination.” And 99% or the time they would go “oh, no; I just don’t like it” and I would say “alright then. that is totally fine, we will be sure to leave it off for you, then” and trust me when I tell you, if the kitchen makes a mistake on your order regarding your preference that you requested, don’t worry about sending it back to be remade. Most of the time that just means it becomes a snack for the employees to enjoy. That is, of course, assuming it is a good restaurant with good service.
For the first story, if my child went to the hospital & my sister was screaming or cursing at me for going, I wouldn't have gone back either, even if the injury was minor. If my sister was supporting & understanding, then I would have gone back if I could, if I even thought about it because in a situation like that you might not think to do that until everything completely calmed down.
I have no particular intention of getting married, but I have thought a lot about attire since I both sew my own wardrobe and am really passionate about diversity and inclusion. As such, here are my personal rules for any bridal party I might have: 1) Attire and colors won't be uniform or gendered by design (no one should feel put out for varying body types, identity, skin tones, style, etc) 2) Some inspo pics and possible options will be provided with varying price ranges. These are in no way a be all end all list - just for reference and if you don't want to hunt for a dress/suit. 3) Tailoring services will be provided to everyone as well as helpful tips of what some easy alterations are (particularly useful if you're thrifting). Everyone deserves to look great.
That last a**hole... I hate it when the bride turns into a monster for her wedding and that's usually out of selfishness. However, this bridezilla isn't selfish enough!! Like what the heck?? @_@ Weddings are for the bride and groom, not the bride and groom's families (but then again, this person is just assuming they would have a problem with this. I think she's projecting her feelings onto others to make herself look better.) A lot of the time, the grooms realize how scary their partners are but choose to ignore it the best they can out of "love". I put some big stinky quotes around that word. Personally, I want to have the most minimalist wedding ever, basically just a glorified catered dinner party with a ceremony. And I might even make the cake myself just to show that I can.
In my wedding many years ago, my three bridesmaids were larger size. I made sure, I picked a flattering colour and design as the dresses where being made. They all looked wonderful, the dress/suit... it was kinda a dress that looked a bit like a suit. I did this for the bridesmaids, not for me.
I’m confused by the first one. Leave for an emergency, sure. But why not try to reconnect afterward? Apologize for the hurt you caused (even if it was unintentional) and congratulate her on her wedding. Maybe give a speech at the reception “I’m so sad I had to miss that important moment and wasn’t there to look out for my twin the way we did as kids. But the most important person [new spouse] was there, and they will be looking after each other from this day forward.”
@@m.z1256 Yes, I think the reception is often in the evening after the wedding. The OP says "I could have at least gone to the party". As Shaaba says, after she makes sure the child is stable and being cared for in the hospital, she could have gone back to the wedding. Or at least called or texted and given an update. All I really mean is that these twins were very close, and they've had a big fight, and I hope they find a way to reach out to each other and rebuild their relationship.
First story: as a mother of 2 I can tell you that it doesn't matter if it was a minor injury. If she went back to the wedding after knowing it wasn't serious, her child would have missed her at the hospital. Parents aren't interchangeable, little kids don't understand what's so important that one parent, especially the main care provider (which I conviniently assume is the mother in this case), can't be there when they're injured and scared. And the fact that her mind was somewhere else would have shown. She's not the A. in my opinion, weddings are overrated (sorry Shaaba 😅) children, on the other hand, are a parent's biggest responsibility and concern
I know a bride who chose her best friend to be “maid of honour” it was a gay male friend. Mom who is extremely traditional and old fashioned “survived” the day. She was just happy her daughter married a good man.
It's so true that a loving family member would have been concerned for the injured kids, though. If someone had to leave a wedding in my family because a child was injured, everyone would talk about it, be worried for them, ask for news, some people would even offer to come with them. I don't even like children but they're family, and they're fragile!
First of all, congrats to your wedding. I hope you had fun and an awesome day. You seem like an awesome and healthy pair (I can only assume, since I only know what you decide to show online and that is totally okay) About the AITA's: 1. Accidents can happen, especially when the kids are supervised by someone else. That has to be taken into account when deciding if it is a childfree or child...with wedding. Every person reacts differently and I know for certain that my sister would stay with her son, too. It would make me as a groom incredibly sad, but it does not dampen my empathy towards her. I feel somewhat for the sister, since the op is the only family of her. So it may explain why she reacted that much. Her husband was right to stop the sister from cursing at the op. I hope they will talk about it later when the sister has calmed down and they talk about their feelings and expectations. 2. There seems to be a massive communication problem between the fiances and it seems like they do not fit? As you said, it is their wedding. But also it is about what is important for them. For OP it is about family, for him it is about appeareances. Same with... isn't the daughter part of the family, too? Shouldn't he think of her, too? His skills in clearing the argument seem to be nonexistent, since he tries to pressure OP with his mother. The mother should not help the 40 year old man to make OP comply. And him getting mad is not really a green flag... it's pretty red. Both aren't right, but the husband is more wrong. 3. Poor OP. The group is so toxic. Good for her setting her boundaries, especially like this. It is sad how the group reacts to her showing that much honest vulnerability. Tiniest violin for the bride. I hope OP finds better friends. 4. Again with appeareance against family. The fiance is right to choose his best wo-man. Catherine sounds awesome and like a treat to be in his life. As the OP describes, her husband to be sets his boundaries in a good way and OP ignored them. That makes healthy communication impossible. I hope Op learns from the answers on reddit and they have a real talk with their fiance so both have a good start into their marriage life.
In that last scenario, all I can say is that weddings can be postponed. And if the situation doesn't changed, the wedding (and relationship) can be called off altogether.
I had an evening wedding and late into the night reception… at a winery. Not only did we say no kids, no one under 21 was allowed because the reception took place in the winery’s tasting room. It was a very enjoyable wedding and couples with kids thanked us for giving them a “date night”, so it all boils down to perspective 😊
Ooop I've found my chance to say something I've been wanting to say for a long time while watching other channels that also discuss AITA stories: *THANK YOU* for saying there's three sides to every story! I see a lot of people taking the narrator's take on the story for granted in these, when we know that (a) it's subjective (b) they're clearly hoping for a "NTA" response, so they're going to spin the presentation of the events that way. Especially when it comes to reported speech: "I just told them that x,y,z and they totally overreacted/started yelling at me/became angry"... well there's a million ways to "tell someone x,y,z", we'll never know if the person telling the story expressed themselves nicely, rudely, in ways that (they knew) were offensive or triggering to the other person etc.
On the second one: If your 41-year-old fiance is running to his mum for support, it's clear he hasn't really grown up and probably never will. You need to run, not walk, away from that relationship, unless you want a child, not a husband, and will possibly face opposition from his actual mother on most issues.
We should change the way we do bridesmaid dresses, the bride should be able to choose a color and let the bridesmaids choose whatever clothes they are comfortable with, personally I would love for my friends to feel amazing on the day
Yeah that first one brings up stuff that I KNOW are my own issues but I can sort of give perspective from the child's POV. I was in the hospital a lot and I think my mom or dad were there for the scary (for them) stuff like "will I make it out of surgery" but I do remember being left by them a lot, during painful healing, lonely scary nights, having no one to hug or kiss me good night, no one to talk to when I'm being teased for crying, no one to hold me when I'm going through painful procedures, etc. I'm dealing with those feelings of abandonment, but if a parent wants to stay the entire time their kid is in the hospital (and they can now; my parents had to deal with visiting hours), even for a "minor" injury, even if the kid's gonna be asleep/unconscious whatever, you let them! A 1 yr old and 3 yr old still assume the parent is gonna be there when they wake up, if they're hurt, whatever. Even if that kid isn't in danger medically, if he wants mom when he wakes up, it will be stressful waking up in a strange environment. the sister is being unreasonable - she is assuming the mom can explain logically to a *1 yr old* "ok, you're in the hospital and everything's fine so I can go back to the wedding now. Bye!"
Regarding the one about bridesmaids dresses, if uniformity of fabric is so important to the bride, there are plenty of places like Birdie Grey or eShakti where you can order dresses in the same fabric but everybody can choose a different style so you get your chosen colorbut everyone gets to express themselves a little bit. For my own wedding all of the bridesmaids could so and I provide the fabric and Some guidelines (no shorter than knee length no longer than tea-length). Everyone looked lovely and was comfortable and various people came up to me and said how pretty all the bridesmaids looked.
![ROSÉ (로제) - number one girl [더 시즌즈-이영지의 레인보우] | KBS 241129 방송](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/A9oByH9Ci24/mqdefault.jpg)
Regarding the cake one, I have a story! When I was about 17, one of my sets of parents got married on Halloween, and had a themed wedding. At this time, I had wanted to become a pastry chef, and had baked birthday cakes for my family for years, so for the wedding, they asked me to make a spooky wedding cake for them.
BUT! They also asked my aunt, who was a professional baker, to make a more classic romantic one for them. So I made my dark one, with just a few tiers, black frosting, cobweb designs, and skeleton wedding toppers, and she made a beautiful white one with hearts and tons of tiers.
They were different enough to feel like mine was actually important to the wedding, but there was also the support of knowing that if I messed it up in any way, my aunt's work would still be there. The cakes looked great next to each other! And it was a great way to let me feel included while also having a more professional cake there. I feel like there's a compromise that these two could make where the daughter doesn't feel left out, but also the husband is satisfied with the quality of the cake.
I was thinking something like this, why not let the daughter make the smaller cake for the bride/groom first cut and then have a larger professional cake for guests (since the hubs was worried about what the guests would think) that way they get to share the personal sentimental experience and the guests get the "professional" feel.. he even says that he has liked everything the daughter has baked before so there's no reason to think it would be awful...ugh
That is a perfectly rational compromise and respects everyone's feelings. If her telling of the story is true, though, there are still some major warning flags about their relationship as a couple.
That sounds amazing!
Also, TWO cakes instead of only one? I see no downside whatsoever, everybody wins!!
@@InThisEssayIWill... they could even take it one step further and ceremonially cut two cakes, and the bride & groom could each have the upper hand on the knife for one of the cakes, to symbolize that they're equals, and break the weird idea at the same time ;)
That's a very nice story and proves that compromise in situations like this is super super easy. Like, there's so many solutions that can be sweet and meaningful: cut two cakes, or have the daughter's as the main cake and also have several smaller cakes that cover all tastes and dietary requirements... So my conclusion is that the couple in Shaaba's story hasn't learned what compromise is and that's certainly something to work on while heading into a marriage.
Also, the sentimental value of things is ALWAYS more important than "market" value and should always have priority. Even in the groom's worst-case-scenario where the daughter's cake is the only one they have and it doesn't turn out great, I don't think the guests are going to be like "worst wedding ever - the cake wasn't great!", like who cares, unless they're judgmental aholes in which case they shouldn't be invited in the first place.
I don’t understand the people who say the wedding is supposed to be the happiest day of your life. So the marriage itself is all downhill from there?
Same vibe as being a teen, everyone kept saying teen years are the happiest and life goes downhill after that so I had to make the most of it... I had severe and at that point undiagnosed depression. It made living with it so much worse. Life is much better now! No cure obvs but boii am i happier!
@@theythemgae9025 Wait, there are some people that say teen years are the best of your life ? Literally everybody I know knows and agrees that it's one of the most frustrating times of your life ! You have no idea who you are, you've got no confidence, emotions are all over the place, a lot of mental syndromes and problems arise then, even when you're lucky enough to get along with your parents, you still are often in conflict with them, and you have teen drama and homework to sort out on top of that. And that's if you're someone pretty privileged to begin with !
Seriously, I LOVED my highschool and the friends I made there, it was some of my most formative years, but even I think teen years suck. It's easy to remember the good times, but the truth is I was massively stressed out over my future, and in a highly toxic relationship that put me into depression. And most people I know had similar stuff.
And frankly, it would be pretty depressing if the years you barely know who you are and consist one of the smallest parts of your life (even though it's a hugely important period) were the happiest. Why should the rest of life be all downhill ?
Sorry, didn't mean to write a whole book on this x) it just made me sad to think people actually think like this
@@blooddragon805 Yes they do 😂 In high school, our class teacher told us that these years are going to be the best years in our lives, the ones we will always remember with nostalgia. Actually, the biggest change for the better in my life happened when I was just two months away from finishing high school, so I've only spent three months of these supposedly wonderful years being the happiest version of myself, and there is still a whole life of being the happiest - and certainly the healthiest mentally - version of myself ahead of me.
@@theythemgae9025lol I do look back on my teen years with some fondness. But I can absolutely say that my life, confidence and just overall well being has drastically improved. I think adults think they are saying “you have so many opportunities and I want you to seize them now rather than waiting” but that isn’t what they are saying at all. Being an adult has its own issues but at least most people feel much more comfortable in their own skin and realize that they have some control over their own life (if you don’t feel that you have some control over your situation I hope you can find someone to help you out of the situation you are in.)
This comes across as a bit cynical. It's obviously a euphemism. And, perhaps for some, it is their happiest day. The day their love is recognized by everyone. Why is it so unbelievable? For me, my happiest day was graduating with my bachelor's and achieving valedictorian. Can that change in the future? Sure. But no one can gatekeep what is best for anyone outside of themselves
On the first one: Having a couple of stitches and staying overnight in the hospital may not be medically that serious, but it's majorly serious to the child involved. It's also very scary to the other child. These very little kids need comfort and calm reassurance from. their parents. By blaming her twin, the bride made it harder for the mum to want to make any effort to get to the wedding.
Exactly.
A kid in the hospital is gonna be scared and want his mom. Both kids are. To them it will feel like abandonment for her to disappear.
I was seven when my mom was hospitalized. I had plenty of caring family. But my mom was gone and I was terrified.
Totally agree. I think we all know that feeling even as adults that when we are sick or in pain we just want our mums. For a baby this is 1000x as they don't have a concept of what is going on and when the pain, even from a minor injury, will end.
Absolutely. And there is evidence that children who have been through traumatic medical situations at a young age, even when they turned out okay, can experience anxiety, panic attacks, or PTSD symptoms later on related to the early childhood surgery/incident. That's nobody's fault when it happens, I think, but that is so potentially traumatic for the child (a one year old getting stitches on their head!!!) that I think the value of having both parents there is definitely worth it.
As a parent of a 1.5 year old and 4 year old, 100% agree (I think I would've agreed before being a parent, too, but even more so now). If one of my babies was going to the hospital, I don't care what else I'm doing. I'd be at the hospital ASAP. They'd be scared and need comfort and I'm the person who is their main comfort...there's no way I'm leaving them without that comfort.
This happening is a family emergency. It is not just a minor injury if they are being kept overnight. Head injuries of a baby are frightening because you have to watch them closely to note any changes. There are two children involved and both need the support of their parents. It's not like this was planned to ruin the sister's wedding. I always tell someone that is getting married that it is both your wedding. Also, that something will go wrong. You need to accept that and deal with it.
Yikes! Forget bridezilla, I would call off the wedding with the 41 year old manchild. There are so many red flags in that story that all I can do is hope she escapes that toxicity before her daughter thinks his behavior is normal and acceptable. He's not mature enough to be a husband and stepfather.
Re: the daughter making the wedding cake. This one disturbs me because it's about more than whose wedding it is. This is about the daughter. That the man the mom is set to marry may not be ready to step up and parent a sixteen year old. That it's not only himself and his new wife whose wishes he needs to take into consideration, but his new daughter's too. The mom, I'm sure, thought it was a great way to get her kid on board and feeling part of the nuptials, but her fiance apparently doesn't want her to be. That's a BIG problem. Because in a family with a child, she's a part of the marriage too. And his absolute refusal to take her contributions seriously or even see the need for them, spells a lot of danger ahead.
I definitely agree that most of the red flags lie with the fiance but the op made the decision on the cake without talking it over with him first. Just goes back to what Shaaba said that they're not seeing it from an "our wedding" perspective.
This is spot on. If it were me I'd probably have spoken to my spouse-to-me before mentioning it to my child (so as not to get hopes up). But I understand having said it as an idea without imagining the other half would have a problem with it.
The 'my wedding' perspective was definitely taking over for the groom there, but actually from the way the whole post is phrased I don't think either of them were really thinking about the 16yo and their experience of the day.
Yes, that troubled me too. I could understand if he was worried about the daughter taking on too much by doing the cake as well as helping with whatever else goes into her mother's wedding. But it seemed he had more beef with the daughter's participation than anything. And I dunno, Im just not getting good vibes about him.
Literally this. It sounds like he's going in this with the mind set that she's going to college in a couple years and he won't have to "deal with her" for much longer and that's a real problem.
I agree so much. This is raising hufe red flags for me. He doesn’t respect the daughter, he doesn’t care for her. Big yikes.
I'm sorry, but taking a child to a hospital is a very demanding situation. Yes, the injury ended up being minor, but that doesn't account for the panic, the adrenaline, the stress, the uncertainty, the heightened emotions. Maybe the mother could have gone back to the party, but then she would be distracted checking for updates from the husband and worrying about her children. She wouldn't likely have been very present or enjoyed herself, and she certainly wouldn't be able to be very attentive to the bride. When an Emergency Thing happens, it kinda just drains the rest of your day, even if the emergency doesn't happen to be as scary as you worried it might be. And a someone else's wedding is not more important than the well-being of you and your family (especially with kids that are so incredibly young).
I had a situation like that one lady with the bridesmaids dress.
I’m nonbinary and don’t wear dresses or skirts. So when a friend asked me to be a bridesmaid I accepted as long as she understood I wouldn’t be wearing a dress but a suit which she agreed.
Fast forward a month or two and she’s constantly making remarks of how I’m not going to match and comments about dresses ect… the real cherry on the cake though was the situation she had no problem putting me in.
I’m a victim of relationship abuse and at the time (pre- ptsd therapy, I’m okay with this now) I couldn’t be alone with men I hadn’t built a trust with without panic attack ect… so knowing this she then tells me if I want to get a suit I have to go with the groom and his groomsmen to get them on my own (I’d only met the groom twice and never met the groomsmen). When I expressed to her that I didn’t feel comfortable doing that and suggested I take one of the other bridesmaids with she said no. I then suggested that maybe they can all go and I’ll make another appointment at the same place after so they can fit me with the suit and again it was a no. I ended up just backing out as there was no way we could compromise and I wasn’t about to put my mental health on the line.
Good for you.
Sometimes it can be so hard to prioritize ourselves.
@@InsomniacMoonbat yeah completely distanced myself. Had no desire to continue a friendship with someone who was able to understand those kinds of needs.
Good for you for standing up for yourself. I hope you have better friends now.
im sorry you went thru that, and im hoping you life has gotten batter since all of this. your ""friend""" was not nice about it at all, its good that you distanced yourself from her
@@jaydenglinka2525 My heart hurts so much knowing all the unnecessary anxiety and pain this supposed friend caused you all in the name of the illusive “perfect wedding.” I’m so sorry, friend. I’m glad you were able to prioritize your well-being and get away from this horrible person, but I’m sorry you even had to go through that in the first place. Sending you so much love and hopes that kinder people take her place in your life xx
Get a professional sheet cake for the wedding and the daughter gets to make the bridal party cake.
Then the adult child shes marrying can eat professional cake.
Or rethink getting married.
Regarding the sister who left the wedding to attend to child in hospital, absolutely not would I expect her to come back to the ceremony and here's why. Yes, it turned out to be a minor injury HOWEVER the whole family's adrenaline is still through the roof, inlaws are likely feeling like shit that this happened on their watch, and yeah, husband could stay behind with kids but then what, the three year old is stuck at the hospital bored while Dad sits with a traumatized 1 year old trying to manage emotions? And invariably neglecting the emotions of the other. No. Remember 1 is still practically an infant, barely walking, limited vocabulary still in diapers.. no those children just went through it and they need their primary care givers to ensure that this traumatic experience doesn't scar them. 1 year old may be held for observation by the hospital but a parent absolutely must be with them in that room to serve as an emotional anchor. And three year old is probably going to be scared to play with younger sibling for months just because of one accident.
While it's wonderful that the physical injury was not a grievous as initially thought, the emotional needs of people this young are just as if not more important.
Yes!!! Also, not to mention that bride wanted the mother to come back and act normal to make the bride's day perfect. Like this isn't some performance.
Also, everyone will ask what happened and thus stealing the attention.
yes!!! when I was little my mom went into anaphylactic shock after getting stung by a bee and dad had to take her to the hospital. I was left with my grandma and sat alone sobbing violently for hours while she had a tea party with friends. Mom was completely fine in the end but I was so traumatized that for years after if I heard a bug buzzing I would instantly start screaming and crying in terror. I'm 18 now and I still have a slight fear of insects which doesn't affect my day to day life fortunetely. I also still have nightmares about different bugs eating me alive or living under my skin sometimes but they're way less frequent now.
In summary kids are way more sensitive to people around them hurting or getting hurt than some people think so comforting them and walking them through potentially traumatic events is incredibly important!
agreed!
Yes, absolutely.
I also think that weddings are way overrated, in the OP's priorities list, her sister's wedding isn't higher up than her children, can't blame her
The cake one was so weird tbh.
Like it's just a cake and apparently they weren't even having a huge fancy wedding. Even if he really wanted a professional made cake it's EXTREMELY sus that he snapped that hard over a cake to say "this is a fucking joke". If I didn't want that then I'd go about it like most people would, rationally. There's no reason to say something like that to your soon to be wife about her daughter making your cake. It's a very minor issue and I'm sure you can find a compromise.
Such an aggressive snap over a smaller matter is a red flag tbh.
Also yeah the last one. If I had a wedding I wouldn't have bridesmaids because tbh I don't have alot of female oriented friends and I only have 2 sisters. Majority of my bridesmaids would have to be men and if I do get married they will be my best bridesdudes as they always have been for my life.
Apparently we also have to deal with an occasional Groomzilla …
There has to be something deeper going on here. Maybe the groom doesn’t want the daughter involved in the wedding at all? Maybe he’s one of those people who would throw the children of the previous marriage out on the street at the first chance he gets?
oml I love the bridesdudes yes that is amazing word play I love it
To me it shows that he doesn’t care about his future daughter, which sucks majorly. Like, that’s non-negotiable.
Why did everyone else get to vote on the dress but not the OP? She said she was told the dress that everyone else voted on. Sounds like she's the only one who never got a chance to vote.
Also no, she does not need to find another bridesmaid or drop with groomsmen. It doesn't have to be even. Weddings always show us who cares more about their aesthetic than their supposed friends.
I think they all voted but she was the only one that didn’t like that dress
But I agree she absolutely had every right to express her discomfort about it and should definitely have been allowed to wear something else
On the daughter making the cake, I also feel for the daughter in this scenario--she's very much into baking, and she's excited to make her mom and stepdad a wedding cake. Having her stepdad already decide it's not going to be good enough for the family is a dreamkiller.
Fiancé doesn’t want OP’s daughter to make cake: ditch him, doomed.
I want my wedding day to be perfect. - Give that up right now. Too many pieces and too many people to be perfect. Be content with “I want everyone to have a good time” because that’s doable.
Well said. 🥰
Strong disagree. There's nothing inherently wrong with him wanting a professional cake.
The problem is both of them being obsessed with it's "my" wedding.
If they can't reach an agreement on this, getting married probably isn't the best option.
Why does it seem everyone's opinion is he should butt out and let her have her way? Why is him wanting a professional cake "bad?" Calling him a man-child for "running to mummy" maybe he just vented his frustration and his mother took it upon herself to butt in.
Such an evil man for having the audacity to have an opinion.
@@jakeand9020
There is when 'professional' just means paid for. The daughter can cook, she enjoys it, others like it and she has taken lessons in baking. Her cake would be good enough for a wedding, it would save them both money and it's a sweet, loving gesture for a ceremony that is meant to be about love.
He comes across as cold and egotistical, like having the perfect wedding cake to go with his perfect weeding is more important than the wife/daughter wishes.
It's not just because he doesn't want the daughter to bake the cake, it's also the reasons and how he expressed his opinions (there are ways to express that you want the cake professionally done without saying 'your daughters cake will embarrass my guests').
i’m just over here trying to understand how these folks are functioning in such unhealthy relationships?? the statement shaaba made about values is so important! regarding the ‘best man tale’ and ‘the cake story’, i just don’t see how either scenario is made up of couples with such opposing values - values that i can imagine would impact more than just planning a wedding 🥴
I agree. When I hear about bridezillas, I think of very young people getting married. It appears that age doesn't matter for acting so juvenile.
I think sometimes people don’t know how to back out of a wedding after it’s taken on a life of its own, even if they have noticed the fundamental incompatibilities. So things like the cake become the hill to die on because it either really highlights the incompatibility in a way that can’t be ignored, or because it’s easier to end things for a concrete reason (even if it looks trivial from the outside) than it would have been to end things for a less concrete misgiving.
Not only did I ask my aunt to make our wedding cake, but I asked people from both our families to make the dishes they're known for. Instead of taking 2 weeks off for a honeymoon, we had a 1 week honeymoon and took the week before the wedding off. We spent that week having small get togethers with family and friends so no one had to make food for 100 people alone. Every item we served was made with love and was absolutely delicious. Sure, there are professionals you could pay but the memories you could make with family and friends is priceless.
That's a lovely way to celebrate a wedding, particularly a smaller family wedding. 👰🏻♀️🤵🏻💐
My parents had a potluck wedding and I think my grandma made the cake. So each person just brought a dish to feed a few people and between all the dishes there was enough food to go around.
I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid at one of my friend’s weddings because I’m non binary and didn’t want to wear a dress. I would’ve worn a suit or a jumpsuit or something, but she said this would take away from her on the day. We had an argument about it but I still went to the wedding, in a suit.
I’m so sorry this happened to you 🥺 You deserve to have people in your life who accept and love you exactly as you are. How ridiculous is it that a fucking dress is more important than their friend’s comfort and well-being. Really just showing their true colors right there.
I think something I'm realizing is that traditional wedding structure is so aggressively gendered it's kind of antithetical to queer existence. Like the whole idea of the groomsmen "escorting" the bridesmaids.
I don't understand someone prioritising aesthetic or whatever over their actual friends and moral support.
Really weird, sorry it happened, and I hope the friend apologised.
Babes I just gotta say they ain’t good enough to have you in the bridal party.
Good on you!
That last one seems to care more about her family having a perfect day than her future husband...that would have been the end of the relationship for me.
Erm, the last one is really hard, because coming from a difficult and enmeshed family background, I can understand where the bride might be coming from. I can understand that maybe she isn't very far along on her self-discovery journey and that maybe she hasn't figured out how to entirely separate herself from her family yet. And that I want to give her grace for where she's at in her life, because I was at a similar point in life not even that long ago. But at the same time, she's hurting and controlling other people, and that isn't okay. Maybe there is hope in that she is asking if she is the a**hole. And hopefully the responses will help motivate growth and not shut her further in herself.
Very well put! 👍🏻💐
@@westzed23 thank you
Agreed. It can be hard to ignore family wishes. Especially if you are younger and closer to the age where they dictated your life. I do think though, that if you are still at the point where you are willing to hurt your partner (she might not have yet realized that’s what she’s doing so there is hope) to appease your family you might not be ready to get married yet. There’s nothing wrong with that, sometimes you just need to put the brakes on and realize that you aren’t ready to take that step yet. But I hope she can grow from this and that she can apologize in a genuine way to her fiancé.
About that last one, I am getting married in May and I have a Maid of Honor and my two Bridesmen as my side of the wedding party. My grandma's not gonna like it, but she can deal. Who cares about gender stereotypes when it's your wedding.
One consideration is that after being poked and prodded by needles in an unfamiliar environment, the child may have had an emotional need for the presence of both parents and the child's needs should be considered before the emotional needs of a mature adult. I would have chosen to exclude children from the celebration. It can make it more difficult for guests who have children to attend
Personally I picked a colour that suited my bridesmaids and let them pick what they wanted. One of them wore a dress and the other a suit (she's non-brinary and was so happy to have her feeling comfortable and didn't have to mask)
That’s because you’re an awesome person!
I had a friend who picked a fabric and said “make whatever you want using THIS” and they all looked unique and amazing and comfortable and happy and GREEN and it was fabulous.
And then there was my sister. I won’t even go into my just saying NO and that shocking the hell out of her (like REALLY, have we met? because on what planet?) but she chose a long silver “column” dress, “because it would look great on everyone,” everyone being bridesmaids ranging from five feet to six feet tall, fat to skinny, boobs to no boobs, whatever you’ve got. Seven variations of body types. And my tall skinny sister thought “everyone looks good in the clothes that I like.” And her husband’s sister exclaimed on the wedding day, and I quote, “I LOOK LIKE A THIMBLE!”
Same, I’ve chosen the colour and gave a loose spec on the look I wanna go (themes LoTR/fantasy woodland) means they can choose cuts that they’re comfy in :)
I was a bridesmaid this year, and the bride did exactly the same - she only picked a color, also trying to go for a color that she knew we were all ok with. We ended up buying dresses from the same online shop (in my country jt is not really a thing to have bridesmaids so we couldn't just go into a shop sadly) and the models we picked just happened to be the same fabric, so the result was stunning! I honestly think it is very hard to find a single type of dress (or outfit) that makes everyone feel comfortable. I was happy to make my friend happy on her big day, but of course one of the reasons I love her is that she's not the kind of person who would make her friends feel uncomfortable on purpose for the sake of aesthetics :")
This is what I want to do - give them a colour theme (maybe a choice of a few shades or matching colours) and a budget, then tell them to get whatever they want to wear.
I love the look of having the group wear outfits with something tying them together (color is my favorite, especially when it's also the same fabric) but with different design that's a good fit for each person individually. To my eye it implies less "interchangeable props" and more "group of friends who are coming together to celebrate the people getting married," which is what I would want for any friends I'd ask to participate in a wedding.
Every single time I hear one of these bridezilla stories, I want to shake them. YES, we all want our wedding day to be "perfect." But it's ONE day (sometimes two, congrats, Shaaba!) and if you wreck your relationships over something like someone not wanting to wear a dress that doesn't suit them at all, you get to live with THAT for the rest of your life.
There is one person in my wedding pictures who, frankly, was completely inappropriately dressed. (even a "casual" wedding is usually not jeans and a t-shirt...) However...I cherish those pictures. She passed away maybe two years later and I never got to tell her how much I treasured her stepping in to help me get ready for my wedding. Seeing her in those pictures, smiling and looking like HERSELF is so much more valuable that if she had either stayed away or been unrecognizable in a dress and makeup.
I would totally do a jeans-and-tee wedding lol. Not like anybody would marry me, but I'm like that's actually a cool idea 😊
@@cerberaodollam”not like anyone would marry me” shut up youre amazing ❤
You sound like a good friend and so does she. Im sorry she isnt here anymore :( ❤
Regarding the child injury one, I am also childfree. My wedding didn't have any kids on the guest list. I specifically didn't invite some poeple because I knew they'd insist on bringing their awful kids (these ones in particular were prone to screaming if they weren't the most important person in the room). I don't want to be around kids really, but I'll deal with it at other people's occasions, since it isn't about me. HOWEVER, where does someone get the audacity to think their wedding is more important than a parent going to see their one year old in a hospital? Like... There were other adults around to help make sure your wedding went smoothly. Yes, your wedding should be all about you. But that hospital visit is going to be super scary for those kids, and they need their parents more than you need your maid of honor.
There's a huge difference between not liking children and not respecting their existence, and this particular childfree person seems not to understand that. Having been married for 5 years now, I can safely say that the wedding is a super important day, but not the most important thing in your life. The marriage is way more important than the ceremony, and the physical and emotional wellbeing of these children is too. The other bridesmaids and groomsmen can step up to pitch in and cover whatever responsibilities the MoH can't now complete. And since the one who did so did it terribly, maybe be salty with them?
I was the groom’s “best woman” at my friend’s wedding many years ago! His now wife (who also quickly became one of my favourite human beings) had absolutely no problem with the fact that his best friend happened to be a woman. They had a blended stag/hen evening, a beautiful wedding (I wore a black column dress in lieu of a formal suit) and yes, I got to give the best woman’s speech, including lots of amusing (but entirely harmless!) stories from the years of our friendship.
They’re still married, coming up to a couple of decades later, and it’s still a favourite memory for all of us. No bridezilla antics needed!
Re cake story: I think on the "this is our wedding not mine" note, it could have been helpful for them to propose the idea to their partner before asking their daughter in front of him. I think if my partner came up to me like "I made a decision about our wedding!" and had finalized it without consulting me I'd be more likely to have a negative opinion of their idea. His reaction isn't justified or right, still the asshole, but maybe he would've been in a state of mind to just reasonably suggest a second cake that he chose if he felt included in the decision in the first place. Nothing saves the running to his mom for help though lmao.
Kids at a wedding feels ...odd to me. Then again, my culture defines weddings as loud events lasting well into the night, sometimes dawn, with large amounts of alcohol.
I got my husband's cousin to make the cake. I personally really enjoyed getting my friends and family involved in our wedding. I'm a social introvert so I was much nicer to have friends and family help us on the day
I'm childfree, I DONT like kids, they make me cringe, but even I would tell her to go to her baby. And if my dog was at the vet, I would expect the same. The sister might also just be devastated since her parents and grandparents aren't around and not having her sister there must have sucked. But that doesn't make it the OPs fault.
The husband and cake one bugs me. As a step parent I wonder if he’s not treating her as his own. I’ve seen that many times and can’t stand it. My step son was our ring barer and my step daughter was a brides maid it made it super special
Re: the cake one, the thing that I'm concerned about is that the husband to be is embarrassed to this degree by his stepdaughter's work. His words are belittling to her, and that's concerning because yes, a marriage is a partnership, but it's also the joining of families. I hope he wouldn't tell his stepdaughter to her face that he thinks her work is embarrassing and childish.
So, I say this as a childfree person, who does try to avoid kids where possible - not that I hate them or anything so dramatic, I just don’t find them particularly cute and they’re just so _loud_ , plus I struggle to control my facial expressions, so I find it best to avoid them rather than, like, have them excitedly run up to me shrieking only to be met with a death-glare. I’m not a huge fan of them, but I also don’t want to be out here traumatising toddlers for being happy, you know?
That being said, any head injury on a toddler is going to be terrifying, for the parents and the kid, and the idea of having a go at someone for being with their tiny child while that tiny child is literally hospitalised is insane to me. Like yeah, it turned out not to be so bad in the end, but if I insisted my cousin leave her baby in the hospital to come to my party because the baby was ‘just in for observation’, and then suddenly the kid ends up with swelling on the brain or something and she’s not there with him? I’d be horrified. Luckily nothing too bad happened in this case, but just because someone’s only staying in for obs it doesn’t mean they can’t take a sudden turn for the worse, come on. Your kids come first, end of story.
With the cake one, good to know yer man would rather spend a stupid amount of money on buying a cake (because it’s always ridiculously expensive, because they know they can gouge you for weddings), over having a beautiful, heartfelt family moment. Cake is cake, my dude. Every wedding cake I’ve seen unveiled has received a universal “oh that’s nice” response; unless you’re dropping a few grand on something made by top artisans, I guarantee saying “(daughter) made this!” will get a better response, so long as she really is an above-average baker. Obviously if she’s actually terrible and it’s actually a sloppy, burned, lopsided monstrosity then disregard the rest of this, maybe save it for the rehearsal or something.
The last two are fully bridezillas. I’m currently preparing to be bridesmaid for my best mate, and she didn’t just consult me on my dress, we actually picked it out together, as she did with the other bridesmaids, because “I want you all to actually enjoy your day too, it’s not just about me”.
And dictating who your partner can have as best man/bridesmaid, using any reason less than like “they’re a sex offender/bigot/actively engaged in cheating with my partner”, is a dick move. Especially since her reasoning is that she has to please her conservative asshole family members, then using the fact his family is smaller against him when the best woman is specifically stated to have been chosen for _helping him when his mother died_ ?!? Fuck right off, seriously.
One of my best friends is my ex-boyfriend (we just didn’t work romantically) and I wanted him to be a part of my wedding. Instead of bridesmaids I had brides-mates lol. My own extended family thought I was crazy but my husband was very supportive because he knows how important this person is to me. I think it’s so important for SO’s to understand each other and where they come from. That last bride needs to sort out her priorities lol.
On the cake story, I totally agree w u. I think the best compromise would be to have 2 cakes. My mom wanted a fancy cake and my dad wanted a more personal one. They had both. The fancy cake my mom wanted and a sheet cake w a black truck draw on it that looked very similar to the truck my dad picked my mom up in the night they met. And they took photos w both cakes. The couple in that post could do the same
I had never heard of groom's cakes until I saw "Steel Magnolias". I assume it came out of a southern custom. Now groom's cakes are more common at a lot of weddings. This would be a lovely solution for the couple. But with the way he reacted, I think that there is a lot more to deal with for this couple.
@@westzed23 My parents r both from rather southern families so that doesn't surprise me. And I agree that there seemed to be more underlying issues in that post, I was just pointing out that this would've been an easy way to solve the problem if it had just been about the cake
That is literally the most adorable (and only acceptable haha) reason to have a truck on a wedding cake 🥺😂 I love that!!
@@westzed23 Oh that explains the second cake at my uncle's wedding like 20 years ago. I liked it better because it was chocolate, but it was also decorated with farm animals or something. Anyway, pretty much the only thing I remember from that event.
I had 6 cakes at my wedding. A friend made one, but as they were not a professional baker it was small - like a birthday cake. We put the cake toppers on it. Then the caterer made 5 more, each the same size as my friend’s and in different flavors and dietary restrictions (dairy-free etc). The kids in my family still talk about the legendary “wedding with 6 cakes”.
Coming in way late, but I was actually a best woman at a wedding for a friend. The bride had her brother (who also walked her down the aisle) be her man of honor, and they both just wanted people whom they felt close to and supported by standing at their side on their day.
Completely agree on the last story. My 2 closest friends r not the same gender as me, but 1 of them is a big reason that I survived high school (my mental health was sh!t) and the other has helped me so much w being more comfortable w who I am as a person. I love them, and no 1 would ever get to tell me that I couldn't have them w me on what was supposed to be 1 of the best days of my life
For my wedding, I told my 3 bridesmaids to pick their own dresses, as long as they were floor length and black. One wore one she already had, one bought hers secondhand for $7 (with the $250 price tag still attached), and my MOH paid $40 for hers. They all looked great, and they got to wear what they were comfortable with. I do wish I'd asked the one to take off her iWatch because it was unattractive in the photos, but oh well 🤷♀️
But the real question... was the iWatch black to match the dress? :P
@@blaireshoe8738 nope. Coral 🤦♀️
@@mirandapontarelli5485 🤦♀️🤣
I told my 4 bridesmaids to pick something purple that they would wear again. Two of them coincidentally chose the same dress, a third picked something more formal, and the fourth had a family emergency and didn’t make it to the wedding so poor bridesmaid #3 looked mismatched. Did I care??? Noooo, I thought it was hilarious that two of them bought the same dress!
@@lucialma that makes for a great story when you look at wedding photos years later! Often times it's the things that are a bit "off" or weird that make for the best stories afterwards. I mean, nobody would even ask about the dresses if everyone wore the same or everyone wore different ones 😄
1st story: idc how minor the injury is, op’s very young child was staying overnight in the hospital. If I were the parent, I’d want to be there, if I were the child, I’d want my parents there, & if I were the bride, I’d understand that an overnight stay in the hospital is more important than my wedding party. Yes, it sucks that op couldn’t be there when the rest of the family wasn’t (I’m curious as to why), but a child should be a parent’s top priority.
Shortly before our wedding, my husband’s cousin fell ill with something dreadful. He clearly couldn’t make it, and his sister stayed behind to look after him in the hospital. He’s recovered well, but hindsight didn’t make Husband and I angry at their non attendance.
I traveled 100 miles with my sister to our niece's wedding. She got hit with a horrendous migraine, and could not attend. The following day was the gift opening and I broke the lens of my glasses which gave me a more minor migraine but I had to get an eye mask and medicine. I called the MOB and explained that we would be late. All she said as I gave an update of us still being later that others were staying just to see us. When we did get there she made a comment on money.
My niece was glad to see us and told us not to worry. I had done the wedding photography at the service and reception so she did not get photos of the gift opening done by me. I was able to take other photos I had wanted, like of the rings taken with their hands over the bouquet and with her grandparents and others. She told me she was happy and not to feel bad for missing anything. My sister and I were pleased that she and her husband were glad just to be able to do what we could.💐❤️
I don't think that MOB understood that my sister traveled 100 miles so that she could not see her niece wed, but spend the whole day in a hotel room lying in bed with a damp towel over her eyes. 🤕
Extended family members can deal with being upset for one day. I felt like it was a lot easier for me to ignore the pressure from other people because we paid for everything ourselves. We kept the traditional wedding elements that appealed to us, and scrapped all the rest. It took a while for me and my spouse to get on the same page - he's got an unexpected traditional streak and I'm tradition phobic - but we found ways to compromise and honor the things that mattered to each of us. It's been five years, and our family still talks about how beautiful the event was. It's just one day. Enjoy it.
So on the cake one, its like, the one thing that would bother me more than anything is the reaction and the fact its all based on what other people would think. If he had come to her and said "i always imagined getting a professional cake with this filling and it looked this way, ever since we said about marriage" or whatever, like it had been a dream of his, then absolutely it would be sooo rude of her to be like no, its my day. But they are having a small wedding, with family, and i would be concerned by how much he cared what his family thought.
Every time you say 'my husband' is adorable! I love how happy you seem :D your henna is indeed great
If I had a kid that was injured and in hospital I would stay by their side the entire time no matter how minor the injury's might be. It's a baby it was likely incredibly stressful for them and their parents.
Thank you, Shaaba. Seriously. Thank you for pointing out that a wedding is important but it's not *The Most Important Thing* . You and Jamie are so inspiring and encouraging, and I am so happy I found your channels! ❤️
The last one is 1,000% an A-hole! When my boyfriend and me decide to marry, my Maid of Honor is going to be my Triple A sibling (asexual, aromantic, and agender) and my boyfriend's best man will be his sister. Everything you said, Shaaba, was exactly what I would say!
Congratulations! You and your love have planned a beautiful wedding. This shows that when couples talk together they have a happier time on getting married. 💐💖🥰
Ahh thats sounds great! Finally an inclusive wedding ❤
Shaaba 'we're diving in to the a*seholes again' me *giggles* orly?
At my own wedding I went with my bridesmaids and we had them pick out a dress in the same color but one that looked best on them. As it turned out, of my 5 bridesmaids, the Maid of Honor had her own dress and the two school friends of mine wore the same dress and my younger sister and church friend who was my sister's age wore the same dress. It was perfect! And they were all very happy in their dresses!
My own wedding was quite small, held in a registry office with a few family members and friends. I was just so happy to finally call my girlfriend my wife and honestly I didn’t care about the size of the wedding (I hate big parties anyway).
The organisation of the marriage was not as happy, including but not limited to:
1. just after my wife’s proposal we were assaulted
2. I was outed to the members of the congregation at my local church and was banned
The perks of being gay, am I right?
Talk about a monumental union... assault AND ostracization! Gartz on spousedom! Hope you've found a more accepting congregation since, if that's something you've been wanting.
I'm so glad that you had a wonderful wedding after the problems running up to it. Best wishes to you and your bride. 💖👩❤️👩💐
For the first one: brain damage doesn't always show immediately - so what is initially thought to be just a minor injury can actually reveal itself later to have been something more serious.
Yes, it really isn't minor if they need to observe overnight. Also there are two children to care for. I tell anyone getting married that no matter how much you plan, there always is something that goes wrong. Accept this and enjoy your wedding. Life is too short to forget that you are not the only one involved.
The plus size girl in the dress made me feel so sad. I am big too, like Lizzo big but short so I look like a dumpling. I have worn body con dresses and honestly it looked nice BUT I was so, so, so, SO strapped into that thing. And the only compression suit that fit me didn't have a "privacy slit" so when I went to the bathroom I had to take the whole thing down. Not a big deal for me because I only wear it on dates and we are out for a few hours and I'm not doing anything.
But at a wedding you are going to be in it all day, sweating, rushing around, picking things up, moving things about. No. Hell no.
The idea that on "your day" you should get a free pass to make everyone you love uncomfortable is infuriating. Where does this rudeness come from??
The bride to be should not have asked the daughter to bake the cake before discussing it with the groom to be because if you already asked a 16 old to do something special like that, you shouldn't take it away from them. However his reaction was absolutely ridiculous, especially involving his mom in the issue. I personally would rather a professional do it if it were my wedding but if someone already promised the job to a kid, who am I to break a kid's heart?
The dress one baffles me. For my wedding I had my bridesmaids choose an inexpensive dress that we all liked and then I let them customise them however they wanted. Like some of them wanted sleeves and one wanted no sleeves. One was pregnant and she added a maternity skirt to hers in the same colour. It looked really cool and I liked the fact that they all had a slightly different variation of the same dress.
Also my husband's cousin made our cake and his aunt made my dress and we had all our family bring food, and everyone loved it lol. I can't understand these "it must be professional and fancy or it'll be embarrassing" people. I don't know why you'd want people in your life who would judge you about such things.
The best action for the maid of honor would have been to give hugs to the injured kid and trust the dad to take care of him while coming back to the wedding when you can. That's sad failure to do that doesn't make you the AH. I would put that story as no AH here bordering on everybody sucks here. If OP had come back halfway through the reception by herself to see what she could still cover it would be a clear NTA.
For the wedding and the cake issue I would suggest that the daughter make cupcakes for the cocktail hour as I'm supposed to the wedding cake.
For the second story (16 yo baker, wedding cake) , I feel like when the bride said “they were telling me what to do for my wedding”, that she didn’t mean “mine, mine, mine” in the same way that the husband did, but was hurt and shocked that him and his mom were using aggression and fear tactics to try to control her. I think that’s what she meant. I’m just speaking as someone who grew up around people pulling that shit all the fucking time, and it’s exhausting. I would graciously cooperate and do things their way, but not when they manipulated the situation like that. Nuh uh. Then, it’s a problem.
In regards to the first one, I don’t think people understand how much children become the centre of someone’s world till they have them themselves
Edit: In regards to the last one, it’s sad in 2022 people are still thinking for wedding’s men have groomsmen and woman have bridesmaids. What do they think happens at LGBT weddings?
I assume they post a sign outside the venue saying “GIRLS ONLY! NO BOYS ALLOWED!”
When I was pregnant with my daughter we got an invite to a wedding in Finland (we lived in the South of Germany), and when I asked about the accomodation I was told I couldn't bring my daughter who would have been four months old at the time of the wedding. The bride couldn't understand that I (and my husband) wouldn't just leave our baby with my parents for three to four days to travel there. I was still fully breastfeeding at the time of the wedding, and just a week before the wedding she asked again to change my mind ... but she didn't have own children, so I guess she couldn't imagine. We didn't go to the wedding and our friendship crumbled after (though the wedding wasn't the only reason).
@@miralyse.3846 I’m sorry to hear that, my nephew is nearly 6 months old but my SIL still won’t leave him for more than a couple hours as she is breastfeeding
@@miralyse.3846 Same happend at a wedding we attended. The bride didn‘t want any children at the wedding. Guest from germany didn‘t come because their youngest was only a few months old. And the sister in law (that was a bridesmaid) had to organize someone to look after her new born. She had to leave to feed him and her parents stayed at the hotel near the venue to look after him.
@@miralyse.3846 Wow. While I was pregnant with my first we went to a wedding where no kids were allowed. (For financial reasons, it was an unwanted but necessary choice by the couple. And we’re in Sweden, where a couple pays for their own wedding.) One of the guests had a small baby, which was obviously a part of the wedding - otherwise they wouldn’t have been able to go! I don’t get how people can expect someone to leave a baby with babysitters for longer than a few hours…
Similar thing a few years before that when I got married. We had a tiny wedding, where everyone was invited to the church but only our closest friends and family (28+1 guests) were invited to the dinner after. The +1 guest was my husband’s cousin’s one year old, since we knew they wouldn’t be able to come without the toddler.
My sister was "Best Man" for her high school/college best friend. His family, friends, and Fiancée totally supported it and had a great time. We heard a few of her more distant relatives grumbling during the ceremony about how "your wife should be your best female friend and having another woman up there is inappropriate" but like, nobody IMPORTANT cared, nobody close to them even thought twice about it. If you want someone to stand with you on an important day, nobody else should get to have an opinion about it.
I'm a wheelchair user and queer. I wore a suit to both of my best friends weddings as maid of honour. And make up to mess with older relatives, got lots of chatter all night so funny. Both sets of friends included me and allowed me to be comfortable and share the love. These stories make me so grateful for all my friends who really see and value difference. Especially because family and (indeed friends) can be hard. Authenticity matters♿🏳🌈🏳⚧🌏
I always ran to my mum to ask for help when I was upset with my step dad, even when I was in my late teens already. But never ever, ever would I let my mother fight my fight with my boyfriend/fiancé. That's just- no... I wouldn't want my parents to be that involved in my relationship with my partner.
Me and my boyfriend aren't engaged, but we've had several discussions about what we might like at our future wedding for this exact reason - we both want to be on the same page when the busy stressful part comes. We've already agreed on some things like type of venue, food, size of wedding, entertainment, potential guests, etc.
That's so great that you and your love are talking about important things together. I think that you both are going to have a long time of love together. 💖
I’d definitely recommend watching these videos together- and discussing what you would do in the same situation. My wife and I used to read advice columns together in the newspaper (wow, that makes me sound old, but it was 10 years ago).
My MOH is very religious and therefore choosey about what she wears. I love her, so I gave her some cash and a color and told her to pick what she felt most comfortable in. What she picked was definitely not something I would’ve picked for a MOH, but she was there, happy, and comfortable. What more could I ask for?
My 16 yo SIL volunteered to do 2 important duties for our wedding and I agreed to it. One came out a bit cringe-y, but I still cherish that contribution. The other she did an AMAZING job, better than many professionals!
Almost everything for our wedding was a contribution from friends and family. It made the wedding so cozy and personal.
If I was marrying, first of all, my nieces and nephews would be front and stage. If for some reason they ended up in the hospital I would have left with my sister to make sure they were ok. A party can be delayed for a few hours... priorities
The story about the daughter baking the wedding cake: as a compromise, how about getting the daughter a chance to bake the cake WITH a pro baking team? Shop around to local bakeries and find one willing to let her work with them for one project. If she's had classes, there's probably some photos of her work she could use as references to show she'll take the task seriously.
It's a win-win. Hubby gets his "pro-quality" cake, daughter gets to contribute to mom's special day and learn from experts while she's doing it.
Heck, if the daughter's considering going into baking professionally herself it would be an even more valuable experience. Might even earn her some job references or "call us when you're old enough to work here legally, and we'll make room for you" offers.
---------------
All that being said, I 100% agree with Shaaba that there's an underlying values issue between OP and her fiance/husband that needs looked into ASAP. A compromise might fix this one problem, but the difference in priorities isn't going to go away unless they find the core problem and address it in a healthy manner.
The last one made me laugh. I had a "bride's man" and my husband has a "groom"s woman" because that's who our friends are and our family's knew this so no one was surprised. Of course the older family members said something but I said "our wedding, our money, our way"
A lovely wedding is can be planned, but requiring absolute " perfection" in anything has NEVER made anyone happy
When I planned my wedding, my wife and I made a short list of things that were important to us (and mental health was number one). When a difficulty came up during the wedding planning, we would check - and if it wasn’t on the list we wouldn’t worry about it, just make the easiest decision or skip it altogether.
@@grutarg2938 That sounds so much more enjoyable way to start a marriage. It might be helpful for other couples for you to share that perspective with as many people who you can reach. I don't think that occurs to most people who are planning to get married. You could help a lot of people.
@@Ona1979 Thanks, I'm glad you liked my suggestion. It was based on the fact that my wife has a mental illness, and we decided that if getting married was going to give her a nervous breakdown, then we'd rather not get married at all. But if we were going to get married, what were the things that were most important: such as saying vows, inviting our close friends and family to witness, and wearing pretty dresses with big skirts that twirl around when you dance.
I think one of the challenges is that wedding professionals never know what is going to be important to people, so they always try to give you lots of options. And then before you know it you can get sucked into a 30-minute discussion of something like napkin color.
@@grutarg2938 Prioritizing our mental health and the mental health of those that we love is so important. Too many people put a priority on the show and not the feelings that the couple is there to celebrate. I am so happy for you both. 💚
I feel so bad for the person whose kid got hurt during the wedding.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to share my tea on an AITA style forum... Just to see other people's reactions. But I always have qualms. Like I don't want to violate the other person/people's right to privacy. Even if I were to do it anonymously I'd feel icky? I looooove reading and watching other people's drama though! Thanks Shaaba for another gem of a reaction video! XD
Yikes, the bridesmaid’s dress one! I’m currently double the size I was in my profile picture, anything that I know is unflattering on my, gives me physical discomfort to the point of pain. My theory is that being aware of visible rolls, etc., makes us so conscious of whatever we deem as our flaws, we try to manoeuvre our body in such a way it gets hidden a bit. If that makes sense.
Also, why do these people care sooo much about what others think about their day.
Congrats on getting married, you two are so perfect for each other :)
Yikes. These posts just reinforced my general feeling that weddings often bring out the WORST in people, rather than the best. I agree with Shaaba on all of these.
I'm childfree, and very adamant about it because I've been shamed and attacked for it by immediate family. But even though I am CF and don't enjoy being around children either (some CF people do), I understand that health concerns take priority over weddings. That bride was definitely being a douchebag here.
I'm a trained confectioner, so I know how stressful making a wedding cake can be. Because of _that_ - and not because of the future husband - I'd recommend ordering at least some kind of cake/cupcakes/brownies. That way even if something with the daughter's cake goes wrong, there's still back-up.
I don't really understand what the future husband's problem is. Does he not like her cakes? Is he afraid it won't look like a "propper wedding cake"? Maybe the daughter could make the cake now, so that they can see and try it. Would also be a good training for her.
The cake one feels like there would be a very simple compromise if the husband didn’t overreact and go to his mother. I feel like it would be appropriate to have the daughter do a sample cake to show what exactly she wanted to make to prove her abilities and show her ideas for look and flavor since we don’t know her ability levels for both baking and decorating. If it’s up to par, then by all means! It’s totally fair for the mother to want her daughter doing it and if the fiancé wouldn’t be a giant snob, he might actually be happy with what she’d come up with.
EDIT: omg I wrote this before the person suggested a trial cake!! 😂
Your point about basic values is so underrated and overlooked in relationships. Your values don't need to match up perfectly but they should be mutually acceptable. Like in this case, if they just accepted that they value different things they could compromise. Like, sure getting his mom involved was very childish however her idea was a good compromise. If only it had come from him or her. Let the kid make a groom's cake or treats for the dinner, or let her design the cake/work with a professional or something.
I'm sure this isn't the first time this clash of values had happened. I'm sure earlier the stakes weren't that high, particularly for her as that's her kid and seemingly her she's her first priority, for him it's the wedding. I think that's another value clash, one that should be taken seriously when kids are involved.
As for the first story, I do have an anecdote: In 2018, both of my sisters went to Mexico for destination weddings. They had totally different weddings at different venues and my oldest sister's wedding was first. I'm 29 now, but was 25 then. My best friend and I were in our hotel room getting ready for the ceremony. I'm handicapped, so we stayed in a room with a wheelchair friendly bathroom. I can walk, I just have a limp and walk slow. As we got ready, we kept going in and out of the bathroom which had a large mirrored barn door. The locking mechanism wasn't working so we had to slam it pretty hard to engage the lock. Well, as I was almost done I was planning to check my makeup one last time, I opened the mirrored door only for it to shatter right in in front of me. Glass flew everywhere cutting my all the way up to my arms. I went into shock as this enormous, knee-high pile of glass sat in front of me. I couldn't talk or think, so thank God my bff was there because she grabbed a pair of shorts for me to move the glass away and for me to step on. I tried to call my mom but I had forgotten that you can't make calls in Mexico. Luckily, she came in shortly after and saw the enormous pile of glass and blood all over and called up the hotel doctor to check on me. He determined that he couldn't stop the bleeding by himself so I needed to go to the ER. It was close by, so my dad accompanied me to the hospital. It took about an hour for the doctor to come and pull embedded glass out of my foot and stitch it. I ended up delaying the wedding for an hour while everyone was freaking out about me. I apologized for delaying the wedding and you know what? The wedding went on. It was lovely and everyone had tons of fun. My sister didn't get mad or blame me for being careless or for ruining her wedding, even though I felt like I did. She loves me and was just glad it wasn't serious. That's how a true sister acts. I was fine, it was no big deal, but she still waited for me rather than freak out about the wedding happening a little later than intended.
EDIT: forgot to mention that my bff and I are short and small. There's absolutely no way our strength alone was responsible for that door's shattering.
You have a lovely family, and I'm glad that you got the treatment you needed. This just shows how loving sisters behave.❤️💐❤️
@@westzed23 Thank you. My brother-in-law helped me out at my other sister's wedding since it was down a flight of stairs on the side of a cliff (the restaurant where she had the ceremony is literally called Le Kliff) since my foot was still pretty tender. Both of the weddings were wonderful and I'm glad I didn't have a worse accident.
With the first one, on top of what everyone else has been saying, people would've been asking where OP went. And when people invertibly found out her kid was in the hospital, it doesn't matter how non-serious it was the attention would be away from the sister at her own wedding.
I don’t have or want kids, but if I get married several siblings will have kids. If I learned my niece or nephew or nibbling is in the hospital on my wedding, I’d just be worried about them!!! Wtf??? How can you love someone and be mad about that. Like, of course she’s gonna go, and I’d be texting once free to check up on everyone.
The wedding cake story: Did I understand something wrong or did the mother/bride to be not ask her fiance before asking the daughter? This argument should have taken place BEFORE asking the daughter to do the cake. The grooms reaction was absolutly bad and should not be how an adult and future step-dad reacts (huge red flag with running to mummy), but she shouldn't make decisions about THEIR wedding ALONE. I can totally see, why she would want her daughter to make the cake, i would too if in a similar position, but she can't decide that on her own. They want to be a team, a team decides together.
Scenario 1: it's awful that OP was put in that tough spot, but the image that haunts me is a 1 yr old with stitches. That's just horrifying, and it wasn't until the next day that the doctors were sure there wasn't serious internal injury. I'm not a parent, but I can't imagine leaving my tiny baby's side while waiting to learn whether or not they were seriously hurt. Had OP gone back to the party, would she have been able to celebrate or would she have been shattered with anxiety? All the conversations she would have had would have been about her child in the hospital, and I bet a bunch of people would have given her shit for leaving her baby at that time. And the bride would have been pissed no matter what - for not being in the ceremony, for not focusing on her, etc. I think OP made the right call by not half assing either of her roles and choosing her child over a party.
Scenario 2: I think you hit the nail on the head by pointing out the difference of values in the couple. Why does the groom care so much about professionalism in this detail? Why are his values so superficial? Does he not support his future daughter-in-law's dreams? Why does he value the opinions of others over his partner's or stepdaughter's? Why does he think it's ok to run to mama when he's having a spat with his partner? Why does he feel he's being rational but the bride isn't? These are some core questions y'all need to work out ASAP because they're important for the rest of your lives. The only thing OP could have done to improve the situation slightly would have been to ask the groom's opinion on cakes beforehand in private before involving the daughter. They could have had these discussions without risking the 16-yr-old's feelings in the process.
Scenario 3: get new friends omfg I'm so sorry, love
Scenario 4: OP has some unexamined snobbery and internalized misogyny she needs to address. She devalues her partner's found family as lesser than her blood family, and that is fucked up. She doesn't even know if Phil and Catherine work in the same department, she's so uninterested in her partner's people! She hasn't reflected on wedding traditions and all the bullshit they entail so is allowing weird sexism to hurt her partner. The biggest yikes.
im child free and i think i will be for the rest of my life but i honestly think op going to the hospital to see if her baby was okay was the right move, no question about that. and i also dont blame her for not returning to the party although depending on the exact situation she probably could have. i have two brothers and i think i would be more disappointed if they stayed instead of seeing for themselves if their child is okay especially with the state of my country's healthcare system.
I never understood people prioritizing their family like that. You're getting married, meaning you're starting a new family and escaping the old one. So how do they expect to call the shots?
FYI, that "Woman Best Man" one had an edit/update, where OP actually read the responses and came to her senses (thanks, rareddit!).
"EDIT: Wow okay, this was quite a ride.
I took a few hours to read and sieve through the comments. There are people who've actually broken down what my whole issue is about, and I'd like to thank them because while I wouldn't have wanted to get this reality check in this way I'm glad I did get it.
And to those who are saying that I'm controlling, I promise you I'm not such a crazy person in our daily life. The wedding is getting to be quite the stressful event because I have a big family and ever since I was a little girl accommodating the entire family has been the number 1 priority. So, I guess in a way I was trying to continue that but I forgot that it is not just me who will be getting married. Philip is also here.
I had a talk with him after work, yes I apologized and we decided that the reason this wedding planning is seeming too overwhelming is because of the sheer involvement my family has in it. So we have decided to cut back on it, make it a bit more minimalistic as Philip wants. We'd be inviting less cousins from my side (just hoping it doesn't become a big issue, but even if it does I'll have my dad deal with them).
Lastly, I'm not insecure about Catherine. As I said, she is a very nice lady and I have no problem with her besides the one (I thought I had) explained in the post. We will be asking her to be the best man, with the special invite.
!!!! Also, stop sending abuse in the messages. !!!!"
rareddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xahqnm/aita_for_not_letting_my_fiance_have_a_woman_as/
in the first scenario it compeltely makes sense for the bridesmaid to leave and be with her son. A young child being hit on the head badly enough to be taken to hospital is serious. You don't know how serious until he's checked by the doctors. He ended up being okay and just needing stitches, but at the time she got the phone call, she didn't know that.
As someone who used to work in a restaurant as a cashier and food runner, I would be very careful to always ask “is that an allergy or a preference?” When they asked for things off or other such specifications because I wanted to be sure that we were following proper procedure if it was an allergy. Most people I think perceived it as a way to ignore their request if it’s a preference, so most often, they would respond with something along the lines of “uh, allergy…” or “why?” And I would say “oh I’m just checking because if it is an allergy there is an extra procedure we have to do.” And if they looked curious I would add “that involves thoroughly sanitizing everything to avoid cross contamination.” And 99% or the time they would go “oh, no; I just don’t like it” and I would say “alright then. that is totally fine, we will be sure to leave it off for you, then” and trust me when I tell you, if the kitchen makes a mistake on your order regarding your preference that you requested, don’t worry about sending it back to be remade. Most of the time that just means it becomes a snack for the employees to enjoy. That is, of course, assuming it is a good restaurant with good service.
For the first story, if my child went to the hospital & my sister was screaming or cursing at me for going, I wouldn't have gone back either, even if the injury was minor. If my sister was supporting & understanding, then I would have gone back if I could, if I even thought about it because in a situation like that you might not think to do that until everything completely calmed down.
I have no particular intention of getting married, but I have thought a lot about attire since I both sew my own wardrobe and am really passionate about diversity and inclusion. As such, here are my personal rules for any bridal party I might have:
1) Attire and colors won't be uniform or gendered by design (no one should feel put out for varying body types, identity, skin tones, style, etc)
2) Some inspo pics and possible options will be provided with varying price ranges. These are in no way a be all end all list - just for reference and if you don't want to hunt for a dress/suit.
3) Tailoring services will be provided to everyone as well as helpful tips of what some easy alterations are (particularly useful if you're thrifting). Everyone deserves to look great.
That last a**hole... I hate it when the bride turns into a monster for her wedding and that's usually out of selfishness. However, this bridezilla isn't selfish enough!! Like what the heck?? @_@ Weddings are for the bride and groom, not the bride and groom's families (but then again, this person is just assuming they would have a problem with this. I think she's projecting her feelings onto others to make herself look better.) A lot of the time, the grooms realize how scary their partners are but choose to ignore it the best they can out of "love". I put some big stinky quotes around that word. Personally, I want to have the most minimalist wedding ever, basically just a glorified catered dinner party with a ceremony. And I might even make the cake myself just to show that I can.
In my wedding many years ago, my three bridesmaids were larger size. I made sure, I picked a flattering colour and design as the dresses where being made. They all looked wonderful, the dress/suit... it was kinda a dress that looked a bit like a suit. I did this for the bridesmaids, not for me.
I’m confused by the first one. Leave for an emergency, sure. But why not try to reconnect afterward? Apologize for the hurt you caused (even if it was unintentional) and congratulate her on her wedding. Maybe give a speech at the reception “I’m so sad I had to miss that important moment and wasn’t there to look out for my twin the way we did as kids. But the most important person [new spouse] was there, and they will be looking after each other from this day forward.”
but she was worried about her kid...
doesn't the reception held on the same day as the wedding?
@@m.z1256 Yes, I think the reception is often in the evening after the wedding. The OP says "I could have at least gone to the party". As Shaaba says, after she makes sure the child is stable and being cared for in the hospital, she could have gone back to the wedding. Or at least called or texted and given an update.
All I really mean is that these twins were very close, and they've had a big fight, and I hope they find a way to reach out to each other and rebuild their relationship.
First story: as a mother of 2 I can tell you that it doesn't matter if it was a minor injury. If she went back to the wedding after knowing it wasn't serious, her child would have missed her at the hospital. Parents aren't interchangeable, little kids don't understand what's so important that one parent, especially the main care provider (which I conviniently assume is the mother in this case), can't be there when they're injured and scared. And the fact that her mind was somewhere else would have shown.
She's not the A. in my opinion, weddings are overrated (sorry Shaaba 😅) children, on the other hand, are a parent's biggest responsibility and concern
I know a bride who chose her best friend to be “maid of honour” it was a gay male friend. Mom who is extremely traditional and old fashioned “survived” the day. She was just happy her daughter married a good man.
It’s always a good day when Shaaba uploads 😊- congrats to you and Jamie, much love from Ireland ❤
It's so true that a loving family member would have been concerned for the injured kids, though. If someone had to leave a wedding in my family because a child was injured, everyone would talk about it, be worried for them, ask for news, some people would even offer to come with them. I don't even like children but they're family, and they're fragile!
First of all, congrats to your wedding. I hope you had fun and an awesome day. You seem like an awesome and healthy pair (I can only assume, since I only know what you decide to show online and that is totally okay)
About the AITA's: 1. Accidents can happen, especially when the kids are supervised by someone else. That has to be taken into account when deciding if it is a childfree or child...with wedding. Every person reacts differently and I know for certain that my sister would stay with her son, too. It would make me as a groom incredibly sad, but it does not dampen my empathy towards her. I feel somewhat for the sister, since the op is the only family of her. So it may explain why she reacted that much. Her husband was right to stop the sister from cursing at the op. I hope they will talk about it later when the sister has calmed down and they talk about their feelings and expectations.
2. There seems to be a massive communication problem between the fiances and it seems like they do not fit? As you said, it is their wedding. But also it is about what is important for them. For OP it is about family, for him it is about appeareances. Same with... isn't the daughter part of the family, too? Shouldn't he think of her, too? His skills in clearing the argument seem to be nonexistent, since he tries to pressure OP with his mother. The mother should not help the 40 year old man to make OP comply. And him getting mad is not really a green flag... it's pretty red. Both aren't right, but the husband is more wrong.
3. Poor OP. The group is so toxic. Good for her setting her boundaries, especially like this. It is sad how the group reacts to her showing that much honest vulnerability. Tiniest violin for the bride. I hope OP finds better friends.
4. Again with appeareance against family. The fiance is right to choose his best wo-man. Catherine sounds awesome and like a treat to be in his life. As the OP describes, her husband to be sets his boundaries in a good way and OP ignored them. That makes healthy communication impossible. I hope Op learns from the answers on reddit and they have a real talk with their fiance so both have a good start into their marriage life.
In that last scenario, all I can say is that weddings can be postponed. And if the situation doesn't changed, the wedding (and relationship) can be called off altogether.
I had an evening wedding and late into the night reception… at a winery. Not only did we say no kids, no one under 21 was allowed because the reception took place in the winery’s tasting room. It was a very enjoyable wedding and couples with kids thanked us for giving them a “date night”, so it all boils down to perspective 😊
Ooop I've found my chance to say something I've been wanting to say for a long time while watching other channels that also discuss AITA stories:
*THANK YOU* for saying there's three sides to every story! I see a lot of people taking the narrator's take on the story for granted in these, when we know that (a) it's subjective (b) they're clearly hoping for a "NTA" response, so they're going to spin the presentation of the events that way. Especially when it comes to reported speech: "I just told them that x,y,z and they totally overreacted/started yelling at me/became angry"... well there's a million ways to "tell someone x,y,z", we'll never know if the person telling the story expressed themselves nicely, rudely, in ways that (they knew) were offensive or triggering to the other person etc.
Congratulations on getting married to Jamie! I love you both! 😁
On the second one: If your 41-year-old fiance is running to his mum for support, it's clear he hasn't really grown up and probably never will. You need to run, not walk, away from that relationship, unless you want a child, not a husband, and will possibly face opposition from his actual mother on most issues.
“Hi Peaches”
“Hey Spuds”
You two really are made for each other. Love you both. And belated congratulations.
We should change the way we do bridesmaid dresses, the bride should be able to choose a color and let the bridesmaids choose whatever clothes they are comfortable with, personally I would love for my friends to feel amazing on the day
Yeah that first one brings up stuff that I KNOW are my own issues but I can sort of give perspective from the child's POV. I was in the hospital a lot and I think my mom or dad were there for the scary (for them) stuff like "will I make it out of surgery" but I do remember being left by them a lot, during painful healing, lonely scary nights, having no one to hug or kiss me good night, no one to talk to when I'm being teased for crying, no one to hold me when I'm going through painful procedures, etc. I'm dealing with those feelings of abandonment, but if a parent wants to stay the entire time their kid is in the hospital (and they can now; my parents had to deal with visiting hours), even for a "minor" injury, even if the kid's gonna be asleep/unconscious whatever, you let them!
A 1 yr old and 3 yr old still assume the parent is gonna be there when they wake up, if they're hurt, whatever. Even if that kid isn't in danger medically, if he wants mom when he wakes up, it will be stressful waking up in a strange environment. the sister is being unreasonable - she is assuming the mom can explain logically to a *1 yr old* "ok, you're in the hospital and everything's fine so I can go back to the wedding now. Bye!"
Regarding the one about bridesmaids dresses, if uniformity of fabric is so important to the bride, there are plenty of places like Birdie Grey or eShakti where you can order dresses in the same fabric but everybody can choose a different style so you get your chosen colorbut everyone gets to express themselves a little bit.
For my own wedding all of the bridesmaids could so and I provide the fabric and Some guidelines (no shorter than knee length no longer than tea-length). Everyone looked lovely and was comfortable and various people came up to me and said how pretty all the bridesmaids looked.