Scott La Point here. Having studied under Dr. Crabb, I know that Larry would never point a finger at or blame the wife for something her husband is doing, but instead, he is asking us to go below the ice berg, below the waterline, to ask the tougher questions, including, "What's going on inside this husband's heart that would lead him to want to turn to pornography to receive what only his wife was created to give and to be a partner to?" and, "What part of this do I, the wife, have in allowing my husband to struggle with his sense of inadequacy and inability to connect with me, that wants to me to be able to love him and to reflect the love of Jesus to him, in such a way that he does not want to sit at a computer to quench a thirst for relationship, a false substitute for a relationship, that only a relationship with another human, a wife, can provide." It is hard to know exactly what Larry is trying to convey, but his heart is one focused solely on releasing the Christ that resides within us to every broken and unfulfilled human. That's my humble opinion, anyway!
Emily May, I too was astounded at the Dr’s comment here. I wonder, if in reading the book the woman wrote as he had, that in the larger context of it, it might have a different take. Perhaps like some verses of the Bible that you need to read around to understand that particular verse. I feel that Dr Crabb being a mature Christian, psychologist as well would not be letting the husband off any responsibility here..I hope not anyway ! Aside from that comment, I enjoyed his commentary
@@annemarienelson458 - Emily and Anne Marie: I'm absolutely confident that Dr. Crabb was not suggesting that any wife is responsible for her partner's addiction to porn, unless perhaps she was specifically encouraging her partner to watch it! That's crazy as you know. However, what I do think that Larry would support is that we are too inclined to blame others for anything we feel they have done to us that is unwelcomed or worse and fail to think of how we may have behaved in an unChristlike manner! Only maturity as a Christ follower can enable us to have such an attitude IMO!
If I understand Dr. Crabb correctly from his other works, he may be talking not about the wife's contribution to her husband's porn addiction, so much as how she can respond to her husband in the midst of their relationship, speaking through the power of the Holy Spirit into his life. Not in any way discounting the enormity of the effect of his addiction on their relationship and the pain inflicted on his wife, there are four things that will enable her to so speak: 1. As Christ followers, He calls us to first love God, then to love others. Loving others this way requires us to put their needs ahead of our own. In this situation, what does that look like? Can she discern what her husband really needs? Even when his actions have wounded her? Is she able to move her focus from her pain and need, to first focus on her husband's need? 2. Is she able to see below the surface to understand the real battle going on in her husband's soul? His battle is not fundamentally about sex or porn. It's about his finding a behavioral outlet that allows him to cope with life without God being his primary focus. This is an issue between the husband and God. 3. Can she envision her husband as a man who is desiring his relationship with God as a first thing, rather than as a second thing? Right now, the behavior, and especially its emotional benefits, is a first thing for him. What does it look like when God supplants his need for the emotional charge from porn? 4. This one is actually tied to 1, above. What passion in her is keeping her from tuning in to what the Holy Spirit is doing? Naturally, the pain of betrayal is part of this. The desire to protect herself from more pain comes into play. These are the kind of things that will blind her to how the Holy Spirit may move in her to speak life into her husband, which is really what He wants to do. This is where the Holy Spirit may work to reveal how her own personal behaviors/responses toward her husband may have previously compromised their relationship. Earlier hurts may have caused her to say "I'll never let him close enough to hurt me ever again," for example. Allowing the Holy Spirit to reveal her own unloving attitudes and actions in their relationship may allow her heart to soften toward her husband, as a brother in Christ, loved by God in the midst of his addiction, helping to dampen the power of pain and bitterness that comes with the revelation of his porn addiction. This is a hard thing. So hard that it doesn't happen naturally. Only the Holy Spirit can orchestrate this. But if successful, the response of the wife can become the bridge over which the wounded relationship can find restoration, and through which they can discover deeper levels of emotional intimacy together.
As others have said, it is without question from all that Larry has written, said and lived that he does not excuse the husband’s sin or its impact on his wife’s heart and their relationship. And he in no situation would place the ultimate responsibility for anyone’s actions on another person. Clear proof of this can be found for instance in the few pages of chap 4 in his booklet ‘Understanding Who You Are - What Your Relationships Tell You About Yourself’ where he addresses realistically and compassionately the fact that every one of us is truly both a victim and an agent in this very fallen world we live in but that we are “truly victims but that we are agents first and last.”That our wounds and losses at the hands of others are very real and impactful but they are still secondary to the primary reality “that we are agents who choose whether we trust God as good and thus live to either take care of ourselves or to glorify him.” So what he encourages here for the wife to explore only makes sense within that overall framework.
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Scott La Point here. Having studied under Dr. Crabb, I know that Larry would never point a finger at or blame the wife for something her husband is doing, but instead, he is asking us to go below the ice berg, below the waterline, to ask the tougher questions, including, "What's going on inside this husband's heart that would lead him to want to turn to pornography to receive what only his wife was created to give and to be a partner to?" and, "What part of this do I, the wife, have in allowing my husband to struggle with his sense of inadequacy and inability to connect with me, that wants to me to be able to love him and to reflect the love of Jesus to him, in such a way that he does not want to sit at a computer to quench a thirst for relationship, a false substitute for a relationship, that only a relationship with another human, a wife, can provide." It is hard to know exactly what Larry is trying to convey, but his heart is one focused solely on releasing the Christ that resides within us to every broken and unfulfilled human. That's my humble opinion, anyway!
This is awesome!!!!!
I certainly hope the story at minute 26 isn't suggesting that a woman is responsible for a husband's addiction to porn.
Emily May, I too was astounded at the Dr’s comment here. I wonder, if in reading the book the woman wrote as he had, that in the larger context of it, it might have a different take. Perhaps like some verses of the Bible that you need to read around to understand that particular verse. I feel that Dr Crabb being a mature Christian, psychologist as well would not be letting the husband off any responsibility here..I hope not anyway ! Aside from that comment, I enjoyed his commentary
@@annemarienelson458 - Emily and Anne Marie: I'm absolutely confident that Dr. Crabb was not suggesting that any wife is responsible for her partner's addiction to porn, unless perhaps she was specifically encouraging her partner to watch it! That's crazy as you know. However, what I do think that Larry would support is that we are too inclined to blame others for anything we feel they have done to us that is unwelcomed or worse and fail to think of how we may have behaved in an unChristlike manner! Only maturity as a Christ follower can enable us to have such an attitude IMO!
If I understand Dr. Crabb correctly from his other works, he may be talking not about the wife's contribution to her husband's porn addiction, so much as how she can respond to her husband in the midst of their relationship, speaking through the power of the Holy Spirit into his life.
Not in any way discounting the enormity of the effect of his addiction on their relationship and the pain inflicted on his wife, there are four things that will enable her to so speak:
1. As Christ followers, He calls us to first love God, then to love others. Loving others this way requires us to put their needs ahead of our own. In this situation, what does that look like? Can she discern what her husband really needs? Even when his actions have wounded her? Is she able to move her focus from her pain and need, to first focus on her husband's need?
2. Is she able to see below the surface to understand the real battle going on in her husband's soul? His battle is not fundamentally about sex or porn. It's about his finding a behavioral outlet that allows him to cope with life without God being his primary focus. This is an issue between the husband and God.
3. Can she envision her husband as a man who is desiring his relationship with God as a first thing, rather than as a second thing? Right now, the behavior, and especially its emotional benefits, is a first thing for him. What does it look like when God supplants his need for the emotional charge from porn?
4. This one is actually tied to 1, above. What passion in her is keeping her from tuning in to what the Holy Spirit is doing? Naturally, the pain of betrayal is part of this. The desire to protect herself from more pain comes into play. These are the kind of things that will blind her to how the Holy Spirit may move in her to speak life into her husband, which is really what He wants to do. This is where the Holy Spirit may work to reveal how her own personal behaviors/responses toward her husband may have previously compromised their relationship. Earlier hurts may have caused her to say "I'll never let him close enough to hurt me ever again," for example.
Allowing the Holy Spirit to reveal her own unloving attitudes and actions in their relationship may allow her heart to soften toward her husband, as a brother in Christ, loved by God in the midst of his addiction, helping to dampen the power of pain and bitterness that comes with the revelation of his porn addiction.
This is a hard thing. So hard that it doesn't happen naturally. Only the Holy Spirit can orchestrate this. But if successful, the response of the wife can become the bridge over which the wounded relationship can find restoration, and through which they can discover deeper levels of emotional intimacy together.
As others have said, it is without question from all that Larry has written, said and lived that he does not excuse the husband’s sin or its impact on his wife’s heart and their relationship. And he in no situation would place the ultimate responsibility for anyone’s actions on another person. Clear proof of this can be found for instance in the few pages of chap 4 in his booklet ‘Understanding Who You Are - What Your Relationships Tell You About Yourself’ where he addresses realistically and compassionately the fact that every one of us is truly both a victim and an agent in this very fallen world we live in but that we are “truly victims but that we are agents first and last.”That our wounds and losses at the hands of others are very real and impactful but they are still secondary to the primary reality “that we are agents who choose whether we trust God as good and thus live to either take care of ourselves or to glorify him.” So what he encourages here for the wife to explore only makes sense within that overall framework.
@@NathanShattuckIsHerewell stated!