It feels so inadequate, but I wanted to use this space to thank Mishal Moore for everything she's taught me. She passed away recently, and she's one of the many beautiful Black folk (including my therapist) whose gifts have given me clarity over the years. ✨ Thank you.
That's so rough. So sorry to hear that. My heart truly goes out to you. I lost a close friend and Mentor (who effectively provided free counsel) approx 15 months ago and the grief is REAL 8'/ My condolences to you. I pray that you find peace that passes all understanding and it guards your heart.
As a black therapist x social worker I loved this so so much. Such a wholesome and realistic picture of the benefits of therapy. You have so much depth and I always enjoy your videos!
Evelyn I'm a mental health therapist and I really enjoyed hearing about your therapy experience. I'm happy that you are taking the time to invest in yourself. You can't get it wrong. I listen to you all the time and listening to you brings me so much joy and insight. You're the real deal. You just need to listen to you!!! Keeping working with your therapist. It's a process. 👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾
I have learned that for me fear often means GO! It means I’m about to learn and grow. That place I’m trying to get to is on the other side of that fear. The more I step into my fears, the easier it gets the next time. And the rewards are worth it!
your thoughts about fear hit me deep. it's like, Sis (talking to myself) ... it's okay that this scares you. what you dealing with is scary lol. we really do manipulate ourselves into thinking that that scary things ain't scary when they are actually scary. you just have to trust that you can get through it.
I know you don’t intend to be a “know it all” or guru, but I swear I learn the MOST from you. Just wisdom and transparency oozing in every video. It’s wild, but I love it ❤️
"Fear is the mind killer." According to Dune author. And it's true. In fear you can't think. But fear is protective. There are reasons we allow it stop us. But ultimately it's our choice if we stop in fear or courageously step forward. Your point about knowing you have the tools to make it through even when things go wrong, is so key! Those tools are it! For me, that's been knowing that when I'm in pain, my faith. and the relationships I have. CAN support me. So good to know.
Now I haven't been to therapy in 7 years, but I always feel like in order to fully benefit from therapy, I have to unpack VOLUMES of stories/experience/content/trauma. "Oh, to understand this, lemme pull out volume 9 of 25, because there's a chapter in there about my childhood that might be necessary to better understand what's going on..." And there are annexes, and appendices... Do I really want to go through all of this just to resolve something happening now??
yo I feel this so deeply. like re-telling my story always feels like re-living it and I dunno its an exhaustion I'm not sure has paid off enough for me to do it again
Well, some forms of therapy actually don't require you to re-live it. As a matter of fact there's strong growing body of evidence that shows success without doing that all. (It depends on the therapist and what the client's goals are).
Therapy is going well ❤ I’m glad I have a therapist who I can relate to as she is also a woman of color. I’m thankful that I’m able to afford therapy and that she uses a sliding scale. The work of therapy is slow and gradual, but it helps me compared to not having therapy, drowning in racing thoughts and spiraling down into the depths of depression.
I really cannot give this one enough thumbs up. It hit me at just such moment in my life. I express myself to remain authentic to myself not to be liked - YES! What if they behave exactly how you think they will behave, what are you gonna do? YES! This was SO needed. Thank you for sharing with us.
I recently concluded my time in therapy (for now). About a year ago, I had a major run in with that core belief of “i’m not loveable enough” and it rocked my WORLD. I was in intensive therapy after that for a while and I started doing DBT there. I feel now that I have better compassion for myself and more tools to deal with those scary thoughts and emotions especially when confronting those events that feed those negative core beliefs. To me, I feel like therapy (both DBT and CBT) gave me the tools to recognize when I’m telling myself a story, and now I have to do the work of seeking out the evidence that gives me a more realistic picture of the situation. And navigating the feelings that come up when something happens that makes me feel abandoned, or unlovable, or not “enough.” While I’m in this stage, I don’t have anything new to learn from therapy, so it’s just me and my journal out here making sense of the world. ✌️
I’m a yr and 7 months into therapy and it’s been hard but good. It’s definitely a marathon and you have to be willing to get real with yourself and call yourself out in a gentle and kind way. Which has been one of the things I had to really practice and be mindful about , how I spoke to myself. It’s worth it because I’m worth it. Therapy is self care and self love.
Oh I looooved the part about acknowledging your fear (your example of self worth) rather than gaslighting yourself into proving it wrong. I’ve been in talk-therapy for a little over a year for similar issues and I keep hearing “use positive affirmations!!” My therapist even recommended writing them down on post it notes around my home 😅 like giiiiirl these beliefs are DEEPLY SINGED into my brain… a post it is not gonna cure it. I’ve been feeling stuck because I thought affirmations were the only way to “work” through everything, which obviously wasn’t helping. I like the idea of feeling safe enough to explore the reality that I will come across people/situations that enforce my negative beliefs of myself, and how to *actually* work through that.
The point about taking notes of the session and reviewing it “doing the work” is so relatable because instead of doing it for personal growth and understanding it quickly turned into something else I “needed to perfect, or get right” that was profound to understand why I operate in the mindset and how that rolled over to every other area of my life. Therapy is crazy in that way especially now being on the other side of it, I empathize with my old clients on a whole different level now.
Evelyn you are such a breath of fresh air on yt and can definitely tell you have been doing the "work" while simultaneously understanding that anxiety is being fueled by the Fire Nation's 😉 constant gas lighting and propaganda machines. To weigh in on your irl question: Fear to me is just your mind trying to "protect" you with its very limited resources ie the past experiences that sucked to go off of. Expand your mind reduce your fear in theory. Working on trusting myself and rejecting the lies my brain (fear) tells me daily ❤
when i watched your previous video about being avoidant i was like "damn are we the same person?" you were saying things that i had been trying to say to my own therapist but not nearly as articulate. and now he we are again. very much #SAME. i really liked the way you framed it as everything being decision-making bc you're so right. hadn't thought of it that way and that was helpful to hear. thank you so much for sharing. watching your vids has always felt like hanging out and i just wanted to say i'm grateful. #cousins oh and if you ever wanna drop that rant you sped through i'm sure most of us are all ears
Everything Meg popped up, I hollered! 😂😂😂😂 It was such a real response. Therapy is hard work, but it's rewarding. This was the best review I've ever seen.
First and foremost I'm glad your therapist and therapy is working for you. For me, I did it two times with two different people and it just confirmed that I basically had already done the work already in addressing a lot of my own issues. We never got to go deeper unfortunately but it was nice knowing that the work I have and continue to do is on the right track. I especially identify with your pop up about not being in any danger anymore. That's me, I am him. I spent years in toxic relationships and toxic job environments. Neither of those exist anymore and I had to.purge those defensive habits out to not ruin the good space I'm in now. Rooting for you cuz. Keep.pushing. Them meg clips are too much lol
I've been in therapy for going on six years and it really start to "work" until I started being honest with her and myself. And started doing the work. 🤷🏾♀️ Also the January Capricorn in me won't allow me to show up to therapy unorganized. So don't feel bad about doing that if you have to. I actually keep a note in my phone called therapy talking points. And I write on there the things I feel like I need to talk to her about that have happened to me (or thoughts I have) between our last session and the upcoming one. 😂😂
This felt like a therapy session. Because I’m dealing with the same paralysis, looking for definitions for fear and boundaries for something that resonates and helps me digest and implement it better. Thank you, internet sis!
I've been in talk therapy for about 2 months now and as someone with an avoidant attatchment style I have to say talking about my feelings helps but not really. I have undergone hypnotherapy in the past and found that to be the most effictive way to deal with all my shit. I also had to realize that talk thereapy for me is just an introduction to the vast umbrella of methods that I am free to explore.. Thank you for sharing Evelyn, I appreciate you.
I feel the need to explore non-talk therapy so I love your comment. I’m glad hypnotherapy worked for you. I tried the Reveri app and the test even says I’m not easily hypnotizable, but talking…it’s almost impossible for me to do at this point.
This is so on point! Literally working on acceptance in therapy right now. Sometimes we right! (about perceived “negative” beliefs)…the question is now, what we gonna do about it? To still be okay and move forward.
I just love this. And I love you Evelyn. And your vulnerability and the ability to bring humor in it. The “I USED TO THINK…” has been rollllinggggg. Been a fan for years
This is for everyone who was cracking up at these points in the video: 0:17 1:59 5:36 #WeLoveYouMegan 💖💖💖 Really great video, Evelyn! 🌸✨🌸 Thanks for always being so open and hilarious! Enjoy the video everyone! 💖🌸✨🌸💖
I finally have a therapist I like going to and who I feel actually tries to understand me. I feel like what you're talking about, like successfully coping with the risks of being in relationship with others, is so far away for me still. I tend to do super well with solo aspects of therapizing myself, but anything interpersonal/social has been slow goings. When you said we fear the KNOWN, this is how I understand my sense of fear. I know what it's like to be in danger, to have no recourse or options while suffering, to have my basic needs missing or withheld, to have no one to help me at my most vulnerable. These fears are based in the KNOWN and in my reality. Working with my fear requires me to validate that reality, and therefore my fears. Only then can I do work to understand when my fear responses are alerting me to some familiar threat vs when my fear responses limit my life and opportunities.
Evelyn I just want you to know that a few years ago I was watching one of your videos and you said the phrase “maybe all of life is in the trying” and it has stuck with me since then (lodged right in my insta bio too….). I might even get it tattooed one day! I don’t have much that is meaningful to say but hearing you share your thoughts on different elements of your life is grounding in a way because of its relatability. May we have the strength to make decisions and continue trying!
Ugh I love your reflections because they always hit home and hold up a mirror! Therapy right now feels like I’m in a stuck place and my therapist ain’t therapizing. Lol. Because all the tools and coping mechanisms in my toolbox have outgrown their capacity and I need new tools and new perspective to get out of the rut. And hearing you say “therapy is about learning to cope when it turns out you’re right” was 🤯🤯. Lemme go ahead and make this new appointment with these people because I need to figure out how to cope through my stuff when it turns out I’m right. Always appreciate you and your mind! It’s truly a gift that you’re learning in public and you’re giving us permission and a gentle nudge to do the same! It’s truly incredible to see your growth from Evelynfromtheinternetsinherdormroom to this ever evolving version of yourself. 🖤🖤🖤
Therapy to me helped me heal, grow and thrive and that learning and learning into that works for me is ok and to just try. Plus it helped me a lot and understanding what I need and take actions to do that from a growth mindset instead of a surviving mindset
thank you for the reminder to book a session and oooooo evelyn you always have this way of articulating what’s happening in my brain while adding much needed perspective😮💨 definitely saving this video to come back to
Thanks for sharing that bit about what's been the best thing you've learned. You have a great therapist. Your therapist is helping you develop a secure attachment with yourself.
Wow. This is so helpful. Thanks for sharing this. I had never thought about this. It’s about how to cope when I’m right. Not trying to prove myself wrong.
I'm actually starting therapy this weekend and seeing this in my feed reminded me I want to go in with notes, I have to work on that before I forget! I'm nervous but honestly it was nice hearing it's supposed to be hard
Hey cousin from the interwebs. Currently trying to therapize myself, so it's going about as well as you would think it would! 😂 But I wholeheartedly agree. I think therapy should not be about learning that life is actually great and you've been seeing it wrong this whole time. It's about learning to deal with the fact that life is not always great, but also knowing that you can learn to love yourself and endure anything that doesn't kill you.
Great video! Therapy has taught me the same thing, I’ve always struggled to trust my gut with things because it can sometimes feel like mistrusting everyone. E.g my gut sometimes tells me someone is no longer interested in being friends or in a relationship, I used to think it was just my self esteem making me feel paranoid but turns out my gut is usually right. I wanted therapy to make me feel less paranoid about that but what it taught me instead was that it’s okay if my gut is right and those people suck, it doesn’t mean I’m worthless or unlovable,
i have recently this year had many waves of temptation to pursue therapy, as it felt greatly needed, but then a book I read, a person I talked to and/or hugged, or the wave just subsiding, would happen, and the desire for that therapeutic call (in that form) would go away. But... I would like to have consistent therapy... but that pay to play part... makes it feel... difficult - thank you for sharing your journey. Learned a lot about myself from this vid.
Im still working on the ability to organize, label and shelf my negative feelings about circumstances/politics/my environment etc. separately from myself instead of using them as endorsements to feel bad about literally anything and everything about myself. Half the time I don't even realize I'm doing it.
Answering both questions: #1 - I most often experience fear at the place where a pressing problem meets a solution that is either inaccessible and/or undesirable. #2: Therapy is going well (see above cuz that's #growth for me) but I'm reaching a point where I've grown and progressed so much that it's quite literally scary. Like I did my pre-session questionnaire the other day and it told me that in the last two years my depression symptoms have gone from severe to minimal. Which is wonderful but now I'm dealing with a world I have never had before. One without all the confines that severe mental illness had but also new different problems (like emotions I couldn't previously access) and its v jarring. Glad to be here but still!
Just got a new therapist who I really like. She's teaching me frameworks that help me assess what kind of "ego" space I might be in during any given interaction (bc I can be snappy or judgmental to those close to me -- trying to unlearn those unhelpful thought patterns and behaviors). Thanks for sharing!
You talking about fear though… too real 😭 and pretty much where I’m at in my own life/journey, like, what is this constant and omnipresent fear in my life that is keeping me frozen and stuck! I just finished reading What Are You Afraid Of? by Lavinia Plonka which is taking more of a somatic, body-first approach to rooting out fear and it was insightful, but now I’m faced with the task of actually doing the work aaaaaaand… well we know how that goes 😭
what you've experienced is often part of the therapeutic process. it's wonderful that you're able to take accountability for how you've been showing up in therapy as of late and their work (or lack thereof) outside of session. Glad this share out has sparked something within to make you want to tap back into therapy...
I have to say, I wish you left the rant at the end because as a therapist, I wholeheartedly agree with you. Especially with the advent of better help and talk space (no shade, I started my therapy journey on talk space and it lead me to being more open to trying the experience with another provider) but yes big therapy exists and it feeds into the larger capitalism system at large.
The part about habit being helpful or not really hit me. When I was in therapy she would always ask me that and it took me a min to realize that a lot of what I do is counterproductive to what I want. I would always say that I did things because it was familiar/comfortable and she had to correct me that I did it out of fear. Thanks for the reminder to work on this!
Therapy has been an adventure! During this journey I am learning so much about my pass it’s ridiculous, especially inner child. I also do a routine inner child meditation that has me 😢 every time. I’m learning that my previous coping/survival skills do no apply to my life today. It’s been hard trying to unlearn and develop new skills, but they have been my default for so long. I Can say I am at a point where I look forward to therapy, and just continuing to learn to trust myself and love who I am at this moment.
"I used to take notes and do research... now I can't even remember what we talked about last week" 😭😭😭 I'm reporting my therapist for this hipaa violation 😩
Therapy is going fine. I’m grateful for my therapist & to myself for finally prioritizing my mental/emotional wellbeing. But yeah, it feels like a bandaid lol. However, I went into it knowing it was just one part of the holistic care I actually need. At the end of the day, it’s better to have a good bandaid than not have it.
Therapy has literally saved my life and allowed me to see the WHYs of who I am. It’s very tough to see yourself through a lens you had no use for simply because you did not view yourself that way: cue lens of a people pleaser 😅. My therapist shows me all the water sources and while my parched behind refuses to drink sometimes when I DO? Oh the “A-HA” moments are plenty.
IFS aka parts work is helping a lot more than other modalities I've tried. Extremely hard, painful work but I can tell things are shifting and I'm having new problems. 😮
Context: I'm a bi, cis, white woman in my mid-40s with ADHD and other stuff. I've gone to therapy off-and-on since college. It took finding someone who: -Used a BUNCH of different techniques to work with me - transformational(?); eclectic, CBT, mindfulness, guided meditation, using legends and stories from other cultures... -I could relate to as a friend (certain demographics or personal experiences that I'm not comfortable saying here were shared when she felt they were useful to share) -Didn't remind me all the time that we WEREN'T friends, while also maintaining healthy boundaries -Allowed me to be "meta" sometimes when I didn't understand why we were going down a certain road -Able to convey non-judgment but discernment -Allowed me to take a LONG-ASS time to trust while not feeling the need to prove herself to me -Could sit in her own power and abilities without having to prove herself to me -Challenged me in a way that I was willing to accept - and when I wasn't willing to accept the challenge, allowed me to sit with what was going on and reminded me what she was comfortable with My last therapist is truly one-of-a-kind and I know I will never find another therapist like her, but I hope to find a new therapist who can help me in other ways.
You keep seeing new therapists for 3 sessions each until you find your match. Looking at ones that are well qualified, and defo not counsellors (those are the least qualified mental health professionals and if you have HEAVY stuff, they’re not who you need. Look for psychotherapists instead, and it also helps if you see a psychiatrist first who can then refer you to a match they think is best, which worked for me). Also, don’t expect a therapist to know all the answers to your problems straight away. They’re not magicians, not mind readers, it’s sort of like having any other relationship but more professional, they can be like a very helpful and kind friend. Also, speaking as a brown girl myself, don’t assume just because a therapist is white, they’re not going to be helpful for you. Give them a chance, it’s a bit of extra work, and it takes being dead honest with them because sometimes they say unintentionally stupid stuff and it’s awkward, but throw it back. so don’t be afraid to do that, but it’s worth it sometimes if you can’t find anyone else who you get on with. There aren’t a lot of brown mental health professionals out there yet unfortunately. And finding a good match is hard enough. Also pro tip- a good therapist will always ask in your very first session, what your goal for therapy is. So be prepared with your answer, what do you want to get out of therapy? Keep a note of it, and refer back to it as you move along with sessions so the conversations are centred around moving towards that. Good luck!
You can use psychology today to look at profiles to find therapists that might align with you, but that will involve making some calls/sending some emails. If you would rather a less anxiety producing way of setting up an appointment, you can use Zocdoc to find a doctor that has an appointment right away. I was spiraling so badly when I needed a therapist, I literally needed one the next day. And that was possible. So I highly recommend. And you can always cross reference those therapists who are available with psychology today to get a feel for who people are. But I just went for people whose faces looked warm and friendly in their photos, and found 2 good therapists (the first had a medical emergency that ended our sessions after only a month, which was rough, but knowing I could just quickly book another therapist immediately made it be a moment I could push through and not compound by getting in my own way. Good luck!!! ❤
On the topic of relationships, I too feel a lot of fear ☝🏾👀 .. but recently I’ve experienced some things that made me go .. “huh, it wasn’t that bad” 😅 and so I agree once you realize that you can withstand difficult experiences within relationships it makes such a big difference!
I feel the rant cause while it’s good for me to speak to a 3rd party a lot of it wouldn’t be an issue if it weren’t for the 📣 system at large 📣 but it was still helpful. I’m in maintenance mode now.
I've been working with my therapist for about 5 years now (insane) and feel like I'm just starting to see myself create new patterns, it's exciting but also crazy because I feel like I still have so much more to uncover and work on. But I'm like hey this shit really pays off, and it kinda gives me the courage to take on some of the harder stuff.
I’m not in therapy but I watch some therapists online talk about things and that has been really helpful. I’ve been to multiple therapy sessions in the past and it didn’t work very well for me but that’s my experience
You know... this is the healthiest parasocial relationship that I think I have..(There aren't many, mind you😂) If you are going through shit girl, I want you to know you are absolutely a dope ass individual and regardless of what you decide to do in the future, it will be dope af too! So just try to live as authentically as yourself. Because you are someone worth knowing and you are strong enough to thrive through misunderstanding and hate. And that goes for anyone else reading this too!💛
Have you ever tried a somatic approach? When you talked about fear being ao paralyzing I thought about that. Somatic therapy has helped me a lot after I felt like talk therapy was done. The somatic understanding and awareness of what emotions feel like and how they influence my body (like breath, posture, tension etc) has helped me soooo much to care for myself in those moments. This is also intuition training and has been transformative for me. Like when I have a hard time letting go, I can do a somatic practice that gives me Bodycheck experience of letting go which then helps me to let go a little better when it comes to fights or whatever
It feels so inadequate, but I wanted to use this space to thank Mishal Moore for everything she's taught me. She passed away recently, and she's one of the many beautiful Black folk (including my therapist) whose gifts have given me clarity over the years. ✨ Thank you.
🤗 hugs and you look good! I’m on team neurodiversity, mental health is something I have to work like a J-O-B.
🫂
That's so rough. So sorry to hear that. My heart truly goes out to you. I lost a close friend and Mentor (who effectively provided free counsel) approx 15 months ago and the grief is REAL 8'/
My condolences to you. I pray that you find peace that passes all understanding and it guards your heart.
@@the_sunshineanni 🫂
"there's only one way to have new problems and that's to make decisions" gut punched me thrice
The first comment I read getting ready to watch the video 😔
Jesus be a sweet tea 😂😭
That final caption is tew real - I fell the hell out! Some circumstances are out of our control, it's BEYOND what therapy can offer lol
As a black therapist x social worker I loved this so so much. Such a wholesome and realistic picture of the benefits of therapy. You have so much depth and I always enjoy your videos!
LCSW over here checking in, ditto to what you said Sis! Evelyn is a jewel and love her insights.
Totally relatable. I'm currently at year 4,562 at the "fork in the road". 🙂🙂
That Megan clip always takes me out 😂😂 thank you for including it twice! I’m crying
*three times lmao
I cackled at “fear is a Popeyes biscuit” 🥴🤣🥯 no biscuit emoji lol. Thank you for this, really important insights
Evelyn I'm a mental health therapist and I really enjoyed hearing about your therapy experience. I'm happy that you are taking the time to invest in yourself. You can't get it wrong. I listen to you all the time and listening to you brings me so much joy and insight. You're the real deal. You just need to listen to you!!! Keeping working with your therapist. It's a process. 👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾
I have learned that for me fear often means GO! It means I’m about to learn and grow. That place I’m trying to get to is on the other side of that fear. The more I step into my fears, the easier it gets the next time. And the rewards are worth it!
Fear is what I feel when I've lost my sense of safety, predictability, or emotional comfort.
Not me feeling like you were my therapist for a few minutes there 😂😂😂 “Who’s to say? Only you.”
🤣🤣@ Keyshia Cole reference
your thoughts about fear hit me deep. it's like, Sis (talking to myself) ... it's okay that this scares you. what you dealing with is scary lol. we really do manipulate ourselves into thinking that that scary things ain't scary when they are actually scary. you just have to trust that you can get through it.
I know you don’t intend to be a “know it all” or guru, but I swear I learn the MOST from you. Just wisdom and transparency oozing in every video. It’s wild, but I love it ❤️
"Fear is the mind killer." According to Dune author. And it's true. In fear you can't think. But fear is protective. There are reasons we allow it stop us. But ultimately it's our choice if we stop in fear or courageously step forward. Your point about knowing you have the tools to make it through even when things go wrong, is so key!
Those tools are it!
For me, that's been knowing that when I'm in pain, my faith. and the relationships I have. CAN support me. So good to know.
"It's not about avoiding the hard thing, it's about coping with the hard thing once you do it"
!!!!!!!!
Bars.
Now I haven't been to therapy in 7 years, but I always feel like in order to fully benefit from therapy, I have to unpack VOLUMES of stories/experience/content/trauma. "Oh, to understand this, lemme pull out volume 9 of 25, because there's a chapter in there about my childhood that might be necessary to better understand what's going on..." And there are annexes, and appendices... Do I really want to go through all of this just to resolve something happening now??
yo I feel this so deeply. like re-telling my story always feels like re-living it and I dunno its an exhaustion I'm not sure has paid off enough for me to do it again
Well, some forms of therapy actually don't require you to re-live it. As a matter of fact there's strong growing body of evidence that shows success without doing that all. (It depends on the therapist and what the client's goals are).
@@fansharksticThis. The retelling is exactly why I have NOT been to therapy. It feels the same as when I lived it the first time so…No thank you.
Therapy is going well ❤
I’m glad I have a therapist who I can relate to as she is also a woman of color. I’m thankful that I’m able to afford therapy and that she uses a sliding scale.
The work of therapy is slow and gradual, but it helps me compared to not having therapy, drowning in racing thoughts and spiraling down into the depths of depression.
I really cannot give this one enough thumbs up. It hit me at just such moment in my life. I express myself to remain authentic to myself not to be liked - YES! What if they behave exactly how you think they will behave, what are you gonna do? YES! This was SO needed. Thank you for sharing with us.
“Right now, fear is a Popeyes biscuit” 😂😂 a proverb, really
I recently concluded my time in therapy (for now). About a year ago, I had a major run in with that core belief of “i’m not loveable enough” and it rocked my WORLD. I was in intensive therapy after that for a while and I started doing DBT there. I feel now that I have better compassion for myself and more tools to deal with those scary thoughts and emotions especially when confronting those events that feed those negative core beliefs. To me, I feel like therapy (both DBT and CBT) gave me the tools to recognize when I’m telling myself a story, and now I have to do the work of seeking out the evidence that gives me a more realistic picture of the situation. And navigating the feelings that come up when something happens that makes me feel abandoned, or unlovable, or not “enough.” While I’m in this stage, I don’t have anything new to learn from therapy, so it’s just me and my journal out here making sense of the world. ✌️
I’m a yr and 7 months into therapy and it’s been hard but good. It’s definitely a marathon and you have to be willing to get real with yourself and call yourself out in a gentle and kind way. Which has been one of the things I had to really practice and be mindful about , how I spoke to myself. It’s worth it because I’m worth it. Therapy is self care and self love.
Ummm so are you in my MIIIIIIIIIIIND 🙃 This was needed and gems were collected. Thank you!!!!
Oh I looooved the part about acknowledging your fear (your example of self worth) rather than gaslighting yourself into proving it wrong. I’ve been in talk-therapy for a little over a year for similar issues and I keep hearing “use positive affirmations!!” My therapist even recommended writing them down on post it notes around my home 😅 like giiiiirl these beliefs are DEEPLY SINGED into my brain… a post it is not gonna cure it. I’ve been feeling stuck because I thought affirmations were the only way to “work” through everything, which obviously wasn’t helping. I like the idea of feeling safe enough to explore the reality that I will come across people/situations that enforce my negative beliefs of myself, and how to *actually* work through that.
The point about taking notes of the session and reviewing it “doing the work” is so relatable because instead of doing it for personal growth and understanding it quickly turned into something else I “needed to perfect, or get right” that was profound to understand why I operate in the mindset and how that rolled over to every other area of my life. Therapy is crazy in that way especially now being on the other side of it, I empathize with my old clients on a whole different level now.
Evelyn you are such a breath of fresh air on yt and can definitely tell you have been doing the "work" while simultaneously understanding that anxiety is being fueled by the Fire Nation's 😉 constant gas lighting and propaganda machines. To weigh in on your irl question: Fear to me is just your mind trying to "protect" you with its very limited resources ie the past experiences that sucked to go off of. Expand your mind reduce your fear in theory. Working on trusting myself and rejecting the lies my brain (fear) tells me daily ❤
I paused this video so many times to process what you were saying…..so many good things, I’ll be watching this again. Thank you so much for sharing!!!
when i watched your previous video about being avoidant i was like "damn are we the same person?" you were saying things that i had been trying to say to my own therapist but not nearly as articulate. and now he we are again. very much #SAME. i really liked the way you framed it as everything being decision-making bc you're so right. hadn't thought of it that way and that was helpful to hear. thank you so much for sharing. watching your vids has always felt like hanging out and i just wanted to say i'm grateful. #cousins
oh and if you ever wanna drop that rant you sped through i'm sure most of us are all ears
2:55 i define fear as a perceived threat that garners a key response
Everything Meg popped up, I hollered! 😂😂😂😂 It was such a real response. Therapy is hard work, but it's rewarding. This was the best review I've ever seen.
First and foremost I'm glad your therapist and therapy is working for you. For me, I did it two times with two different people and it just confirmed that I basically had already done the work already in addressing a lot of my own issues. We never got to go deeper unfortunately but it was nice knowing that the work I have and continue to do is on the right track. I especially identify with your pop up about not being in any danger anymore. That's me, I am him. I spent years in toxic relationships and toxic job environments. Neither of those exist anymore and I had to.purge those defensive habits out to not ruin the good space I'm in now. Rooting for you cuz. Keep.pushing.
Them meg clips are too much lol
“The only way to have new problems is to make a decision” RELAX 😢 Avoidance is NOT just for attachment its for EVERYTHING in MY life
I've been in therapy for going on six years and it really start to "work" until I started being honest with her and myself. And started doing the work. 🤷🏾♀️
Also the January Capricorn in me won't allow me to show up to therapy unorganized. So don't feel bad about doing that if you have to. I actually keep a note in my phone called therapy talking points. And I write on there the things I feel like I need to talk to her about that have happened to me (or thoughts I have) between our last session and the upcoming one. 😂😂
This felt like a therapy session. Because I’m dealing with the same paralysis, looking for definitions for fear and boundaries for something that resonates and helps me digest and implement it better. Thank you, internet sis!
"I'm not putting in the work because the work is hard!" I feel seen.
I've been in talk therapy for about 2 months now and as someone with an avoidant attatchment style I have to say talking about my feelings helps but not really. I have undergone hypnotherapy in the past and found that to be the most effictive way to deal with all my shit. I also had to realize that talk thereapy for me is just an introduction to the vast umbrella of methods that I am free to explore.. Thank you for sharing Evelyn, I appreciate you.
I feel the need to explore non-talk therapy so I love your comment. I’m glad hypnotherapy worked for you. I tried the Reveri app and the test even says I’m not easily hypnotizable, but talking…it’s almost impossible for me to do at this point.
This is so on point! Literally working on acceptance in therapy right now. Sometimes we right! (about perceived “negative” beliefs)…the question is now, what we gonna do about it? To still be okay and move forward.
I just love this. And I love you Evelyn. And your vulnerability and the ability to bring humor in it. The “I USED TO THINK…” has been rollllinggggg. Been a fan for years
This is for everyone who was cracking up at these points in the video:
0:17
1:59
5:36
#WeLoveYouMegan 💖💖💖
Really great video, Evelyn! 🌸✨🌸 Thanks for always being so open and hilarious! Enjoy the video everyone! 💖🌸✨🌸💖
I finally have a therapist I like going to and who I feel actually tries to understand me. I feel like what you're talking about, like successfully coping with the risks of being in relationship with others, is so far away for me still. I tend to do super well with solo aspects of therapizing myself, but anything interpersonal/social has been slow goings.
When you said we fear the KNOWN, this is how I understand my sense of fear. I know what it's like to be in danger, to have no recourse or options while suffering, to have my basic needs missing or withheld, to have no one to help me at my most vulnerable. These fears are based in the KNOWN and in my reality. Working with my fear requires me to validate that reality, and therefore my fears. Only then can I do work to understand when my fear responses are alerting me to some familiar threat vs when my fear responses limit my life and opportunities.
“Helping you cope when it turns out you’re right”… made me pause and stare out the window for a minute straight. Ughhhhhhhhhhh
Evelyn I just want you to know that a few years ago I was watching one of your videos and you said the phrase “maybe all of life is in the trying” and it has stuck with me since then (lodged right in my insta bio too….). I might even get it tattooed one day! I don’t have much that is meaningful to say but hearing you share your thoughts on different elements of your life is grounding in a way because of its relatability. May we have the strength to make decisions and continue trying!
Ugh I love your reflections because they always hit home and hold up a mirror! Therapy right now feels like I’m in a stuck place and my therapist ain’t therapizing. Lol. Because all the tools and coping mechanisms in my toolbox have outgrown their capacity and I need new tools and new perspective to get out of the rut. And hearing you say “therapy is about learning to cope when it turns out you’re right” was 🤯🤯. Lemme go ahead and make this new appointment with these people because I need to figure out how to cope through my stuff when it turns out I’m right.
Always appreciate you and your mind! It’s truly a gift that you’re learning in public and you’re giving us permission and a gentle nudge to do the same! It’s truly incredible to see your growth from Evelynfromtheinternetsinherdormroom to this ever evolving version of yourself. 🖤🖤🖤
Omg I'm so happy your posting again I use binge watch you all the time!!!! Glad I got the bell notifation
Watched this at lunch and then showed my husband for inspiration from a VERY tough night. These words have spoken light tonight 😢Thank you
Therapy to me helped me heal, grow and thrive and that learning and learning into that works for me is ok and to just try. Plus it helped me a lot and understanding what I need and take actions to do that from a growth mindset instead of a surviving mindset
As a long time person in therapy, sometimes it is good to take a break from it! And I loved the rant at the end. 100%.
thank you for the reminder to book a session and oooooo evelyn you always have this way of articulating what’s happening in my brain while adding much needed perspective😮💨 definitely saving this video to come back to
Thanks for sharing that bit about what's been the best thing you've learned. You have a great therapist. Your therapist is helping you develop a secure attachment with yourself.
Wow. This is so helpful. Thanks for sharing this. I had never thought about this. It’s about how to cope when I’m right. Not trying to prove myself wrong.
I'm actually starting therapy this weekend and seeing this in my feed reminded me I want to go in with notes, I have to work on that before I forget! I'm nervous but honestly it was nice hearing it's supposed to be hard
I've been in therapy and it is extremely helpful, although taking action isn't always pleasant.
Hey cousin from the interwebs. Currently trying to therapize myself, so it's going about as well as you would think it would! 😂 But I wholeheartedly agree. I think therapy should not be about learning that life is actually great and you've been seeing it wrong this whole time. It's about learning to deal with the fact that life is not always great, but also knowing that you can learn to love yourself and endure anything that doesn't kill you.
I love you Evelyn! Thank you for being genuinely you
Great video! Therapy has taught me the same thing, I’ve always struggled to trust my gut with things because it can sometimes feel like mistrusting everyone. E.g my gut sometimes tells me someone is no longer interested in being friends or in a relationship, I used to think it was just my self esteem making me feel paranoid but turns out my gut is usually right. I wanted therapy to make me feel less paranoid about that but what it taught me instead was that it’s okay if my gut is right and those people suck, it doesn’t mean I’m worthless or unlovable,
We’re addressing why I’ve relationship hopped and avoided being single while seeing no self progress while dating.
We’re following up next week🙃
i have recently this year had many waves of temptation to pursue therapy, as it felt greatly needed, but then a book I read, a person I talked to and/or hugged, or the wave just subsiding, would happen, and the desire for that therapeutic call (in that form) would go away. But... I would like to have consistent therapy... but that pay to play part... makes it feel... difficult - thank you for sharing your journey. Learned a lot about myself from this vid.
Im still working on the ability to organize, label and shelf my negative feelings about circumstances/politics/my environment etc. separately from myself instead of using them as endorsements to feel bad about literally anything and everything about myself. Half the time I don't even realize I'm doing it.
Wow, the ELOQUENCE my good sis. Putting words to my experiences, thoughts and feelings since 2012. Just wow. And thank you.
I realized I was holding my breath when you said "cause I'm a good predictor and I'm predicting based on past experiences."
First interaction w your content and holy SHIT this is so relatable. Thanks for putting this work out 💕🌷
Answering both questions:
#1 - I most often experience fear at the place where a pressing problem meets a solution that is either inaccessible and/or undesirable.
#2: Therapy is going well (see above cuz that's #growth for me) but I'm reaching a point where I've grown and progressed so much that it's quite literally scary. Like I did my pre-session questionnaire the other day and it told me that in the last two years my depression symptoms have gone from severe to minimal. Which is wonderful but now I'm dealing with a world I have never had before. One without all the confines that severe mental illness had but also new different problems (like emotions I couldn't previously access) and its v jarring. Glad to be here but still!
Girl I needed this distraction from my own situation right now. THANK YOU!
Just got a new therapist who I really like. She's teaching me frameworks that help me assess what kind of "ego" space I might be in during any given interaction (bc I can be snappy or judgmental to those close to me -- trying to unlearn those unhelpful thought patterns and behaviors). Thanks for sharing!
Your candid experience has me feeling less ashamed going into my 2nd psych eval tomorrow
Thank you for your vulnerability that has brought us this wisdom, truly:). I appreciated the Keyshia moments 😂
You talking about fear though… too real 😭 and pretty much where I’m at in my own life/journey, like, what is this constant and omnipresent fear in my life that is keeping me frozen and stuck! I just finished reading What Are You Afraid Of? by Lavinia Plonka which is taking more of a somatic, body-first approach to rooting out fear and it was insightful, but now I’m faced with the task of actually doing the work aaaaaaand… well we know how that goes 😭
This needed the long form fam🥺❤
C’mon, proving yourself right! It’s truly the deep reflections braided with Keyshia Cole lyrics. 🙌🏾
what you've experienced is often part of the therapeutic process. it's wonderful that you're able to take accountability for how you've been showing up in therapy as of late and their work (or lack thereof) outside of session. Glad this share out has sparked something within to make you want to tap back into therapy...
As a fellow *recovering people pleaser* I relate to this heavy. Therapy has been a total game changer and it's been so helpful to me.
Between doing the work, fear, and anxiety, life be lifing!
Three words i gained from therapy that changed my life and how i approach other relationships: You Are Enough ❤
I have to say, I wish you left the rant at the end because as a therapist, I wholeheartedly agree with you. Especially with the advent of better help and talk space (no shade, I started my therapy journey on talk space and it lead me to being more open to trying the experience with another provider) but yes big therapy exists and it feeds into the larger capitalism system at large.
Not me procrastinating calling my therapist office because I know I missed a session
The part about habit being helpful or not really hit me. When I was in therapy she would always ask me that and it took me a min to realize that a lot of what I do is counterproductive to what I want. I would always say that I did things because it was familiar/comfortable and she had to correct me that I did it out of fear. Thanks for the reminder to work on this!
Therapy has been an adventure! During this journey I am learning so much about my pass it’s ridiculous, especially inner child. I also do a routine inner child meditation that has me 😢 every time.
I’m learning that my previous coping/survival skills do no apply to my life today. It’s been hard trying to unlearn and develop new skills, but they have been my default for so long.
I Can say I am at a point where I look forward to therapy, and just continuing to learn to trust myself and love who I am at this moment.
"I used to take notes and do research... now I can't even remember what we talked about last week" 😭😭😭 I'm reporting my therapist for this hipaa violation 😩
I was having a similar conversation with myself today. Thank you for sharing, this was very helpful and triggering.
Therapy is going fine. I’m grateful for my therapist & to myself for finally prioritizing my mental/emotional wellbeing. But yeah, it feels like a bandaid lol. However, I went into it knowing it was just one part of the holistic care I actually need. At the end of the day, it’s better to have a good bandaid than not have it.
I am a good predictor and when I tell you it is paralyzing. It is. Pushing through that is hard. Congrats to the small incremental wins.
How do I get the “insert rant about how therapy can be” on a Tshirt! I screamed after rewinding it and hitting pause.
This was an incredible video. I resonated with everything you said.
Therapy has literally saved my life and allowed me to see the WHYs of who I am. It’s very tough to see yourself through a lens you had no use for simply because you did not view yourself that way: cue lens of a people pleaser 😅. My therapist shows me all the water sources and while my parched behind refuses to drink sometimes when I DO? Oh the “A-HA” moments are plenty.
I love u talking about this. I myself try and work on myself in therapy
*I express myself to be in alignment with myself, not to receive approval* WHEW LET ME SIT ON THAT FOR A MINUTE
IFS aka parts work is helping a lot more than other modalities I've tried. Extremely hard, painful work but I can tell things are shifting and I'm having new problems. 😮
This is too good & i really needed to hear this
okay but is that rant available for the patreon?
The end note!!! A whole word!
Where/how did yall find the therapists yall love? 😭 like did yall use an online service? Go through your doc? Please help 😭
I'm sat with snacks for these answers! Cuz, bayBEE 👀👀
Context: I'm a bi, cis, white woman in my mid-40s with ADHD and other stuff. I've gone to therapy off-and-on since college. It took finding someone who:
-Used a BUNCH of different techniques to work with me - transformational(?); eclectic, CBT, mindfulness, guided meditation, using legends and stories from other cultures...
-I could relate to as a friend (certain demographics or personal experiences that I'm not comfortable saying here were shared when she felt they were useful to share)
-Didn't remind me all the time that we WEREN'T friends, while also maintaining healthy boundaries
-Allowed me to be "meta" sometimes when I didn't understand why we were going down a certain road
-Able to convey non-judgment but discernment
-Allowed me to take a LONG-ASS time to trust while not feeling the need to prove herself to me
-Could sit in her own power and abilities without having to prove herself to me
-Challenged me in a way that I was willing to accept - and when I wasn't willing to accept the challenge, allowed me to sit with what was going on and reminded me what she was comfortable with
My last therapist is truly one-of-a-kind and I know I will never find another therapist like her, but I hope to find a new therapist who can help me in other ways.
You keep seeing new therapists for 3 sessions each until you find your match. Looking at ones that are well qualified, and defo not counsellors (those are the least qualified mental health professionals and if you have HEAVY stuff, they’re not who you need. Look for psychotherapists instead, and it also helps if you see a psychiatrist first who can then refer you to a match they think is best, which worked for me).
Also, don’t expect a therapist to know all the answers to your problems straight away. They’re not magicians, not mind readers, it’s sort of like having any other relationship but more professional, they can be like a very helpful and kind friend.
Also, speaking as a brown girl myself, don’t assume just because a therapist is white, they’re not going to be helpful for you. Give them a chance, it’s a bit of extra work, and it takes being dead honest with them because sometimes they say unintentionally stupid stuff and it’s awkward, but throw it back. so don’t be afraid to do that, but it’s worth it sometimes if you can’t find anyone else who you get on with. There aren’t a lot of brown mental health professionals out there yet unfortunately. And finding a good match is hard enough.
Also pro tip- a good therapist will always ask in your very first session, what your goal for therapy is. So be prepared with your answer, what do you want to get out of therapy? Keep a note of it, and refer back to it as you move along with sessions so the conversations are centred around moving towards that.
Good luck!
You can use psychology today to look at profiles to find therapists that might align with you, but that will involve making some calls/sending some emails. If you would rather a less anxiety producing way of setting up an appointment, you can use Zocdoc to find a doctor that has an appointment right away. I was spiraling so badly when I needed a therapist, I literally needed one the next day. And that was possible. So I highly recommend. And you can always cross reference those therapists who are available with psychology today to get a feel for who people are. But I just went for people whose faces looked warm and friendly in their photos, and found 2 good therapists (the first had a medical emergency that ended our sessions after only a month, which was rough, but knowing I could just quickly book another therapist immediately made it be a moment I could push through and not compound by getting in my own way. Good luck!!! ❤
This video is very relatable, informative, and that last caption really made me realize, ain't 💩 wrong wit me! Lol jk
On the topic of relationships, I too feel a lot of fear ☝🏾👀 .. but recently I’ve experienced some things that made me go .. “huh, it wasn’t that bad” 😅 and so I agree once you realize that you can withstand difficult experiences within relationships it makes such a big difference!
I feel the rant cause while it’s good for me to speak to a 3rd party a lot of it wouldn’t be an issue if it weren’t for the 📣 system at large 📣 but it was still helpful. I’m in maintenance mode now.
I've been working with my therapist for about 5 years now (insane) and feel like I'm just starting to see myself create new patterns, it's exciting but also crazy because I feel like I still have so much more to uncover and work on. But I'm like hey this shit really pays off, and it kinda gives me the courage to take on some of the harder stuff.
I’m not in therapy but I watch some therapists online talk about things and that has been really helpful. I’ve been to multiple therapy sessions in the past and it didn’t work very well for me but that’s my experience
The Megan clips are sending me 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Not this dropping the week I am losing my therapist of a decade. This has been the year of losing all of my mental health supports. 🔥 This is fine. 🔥
You know... this is the healthiest parasocial relationship that I think I have..(There aren't many, mind you😂) If you are going through shit girl, I want you to know you are absolutely a dope ass individual and regardless of what you decide to do in the future, it will be dope af too! So just try to live as authentically as yourself. Because you are someone worth knowing and you are strong enough to thrive through misunderstanding and hate. And that goes for anyone else reading this too!💛
Have you ever tried a somatic approach? When you talked about fear being ao paralyzing I thought about that. Somatic therapy has helped me a lot after I felt like talk therapy was done. The somatic understanding and awareness of what emotions feel like and how they influence my body (like breath, posture, tension etc) has helped me soooo much to care for myself in those moments. This is also intuition training and has been transformative for me. Like when I have a hard time letting go, I can do a somatic practice that gives me Bodycheck experience of letting go which then helps me to let go a little better when it comes to fights or whatever