She is right i was able to spend time in the hospital with my mom i even got in bed with her, and just held her and cried, it wasnt morbid because it was my mother, it was very natural
That's awesome 🌹 It's so hard to explain to someone that has not went through that. I'm not only glad for being able to have the time with my Gramma, But also I'm still so grateful that my family respected my wishes. It was also good to give her a hug, cuz for the past many years before she died, we always obviously had to be so careful cuz she was in her 90s & fragile. ★🅡.🅘.🅟★ 🖤🅷🆄🅶🖤
Yes. My siblings and I spent time with our mother in the same way. Sitting around her, holding her hand, reminiscing. It was beautiful and I am so grateful for that time.
I couldn't DISagree more! I'd much rather remember my loved-ones as they were (alive), than to remember them as just an empty shell of a former person.
I have learned more about the event of death and the industry surrounding it from this woman than anyone else. She has a number of videos which go into subjects of profound importance. She provides a true public service.
I arranged a viewing of my uncle (no-embalming, no eye-caps or anything, we don’t really do that in the UK) about a week after he died, the funeral home were brilliant and I got as long as I wanted with him, I was the only person to go to see him. Caitlin gave me that special time with him, no tears, no wailing just a chance to say goodbye and it meant the world to me. So thank you CD you made a painful time infinitely better.
I couldn't DISagree more! I'd much rather remember my loved-ones as they were (alive), than to remember them as just an empty shell of a former person.
You are not alone... I know this rings a bit hollow... BUT I have to say it. I was too young for a lifetime commitment. Frankly, so was she. The big C got us both off guard, and I visited regularly. I was Navy, and only in town for the duty-call... BUT I took every opportunity to get off base to see her... check up and bring her the things she wanted most. She wanted to finish high school (senior year)... and I brought homework against her family's wishes... I read to her and took notations, typed as she spoke off her thoughts for papers... I ran for the library, checked out books... I even managed resource and specialty books that "shouldn't be taken outside"... and brought them to bear for her express requests... ...The big C was inoperable. Chemo' was scarcely "buying time". Scars and deterioration made her almost unrecognizable.... but I'd pledged Cassy my heart and mind. It was in mid September... we were leaving the summer holidays for the Halloweens and Thanksgiving and X-mases... and she got news from the school, to graduate ahead of her class... Somehow... As I made it to the auditorium that day... that "graduation" rang hollow and cold. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm the asshole, and I can live with that... BUT among all the faces in the crowd... When I took the podium, I started calling them out. I called out the ones who'd given her crap for having shorter hair. I called the same ones down, especially, for a scene when they pulled her wig off (chemo)... and I dared them stand up and apologize, now that they knew the truth, she was dying, and this was her memorial... even a day or so before the plug was pulled... OR did they (anyone of them) have enough fiber to go visit Cassy and beg her forgiveness, for being such rotten sons of bitches. The rest of the students... outright I accused, to take the excuse of someone else's fall... just whatever was handy to get out of class.... OR maybe... just maybe, if they really felt a damn thing... then they could talk their parents into a stop by the hospital so they could just make a five minute stop by... a visit... say, "Jeeez;... you look like sh*t! You reallyneed to let someone look at that..." just something to say "I give half a sh*t" BEFORE she died.... ...I can't recall and quote the speech. I can remember swatting the microphone aside... AND I can recall stepping right off the stage (about a five or six foot drop... to where the orchestral band would normally have played)... I left the crowd at school to contemplate the real connections with their lost student. I forgave them. AND here's the thing... It's not on YOU to make a connection to every single human being on earth. NOR is it on you to even make connection or cultivate a relationship with every human who coexisted with you,,, just for the same system, isolated or otherwise... etc;;; If I can't expect you to connect to someone n your own high school class... anymore than I can expect myself to connect with someone intimately involved with police policy ten thousand miles away,,, FOR better or worse, we must both just reach EXPRESSLY TO CONNECT with whatever and whoever we can find receptive and available.... and maybe... good hunting, good luck... and good night. ;o)
In nursing school, we were told that the more interaction a family has with a deceased loved one in the space between death and burial, the better it is psychologically for the mourners and that it helps them through those 5 stages of grieving. We were told to encourage the family to sit with the deceased and later help in washing and dressing the corpse.
Often most people do not go through stages in grieving. Some may go through one or two or none at all. Instead of "encouraging" families to do these things, it might be better if you just respect the family's wishes, and let them deal with their feelings in their own way. Why would nurses even begin to encourage families to wash and dress their dead relatives? For most people, that would be quite uncomfortable, because in our society, that is not the typical practice..
Me and immediate family (12 of us) sat with my son for 6 hours after he died. He was 5½ and had died from chickenpox. We sat in his hospital room, we washed him, wrapped him in a clean blanket like a swaddled baby. 😊 Me and my husband laid either side of him to have a cuddle, and were so exhausted we both actually fell asleep for an hour! My parents went and bought sandwiches and cups of tea which we all ate sitting in his room. We took photos of us with him, kissing his cheeks or watching over him. None of this was preplanned, the nurses came in a few times and said we could leave and they would watch over him until a porter could come and wheel him away. I think the nurses were concerned that the changes we would witness would be too traumatic for us. But I refused to leave him. Had you asked me beforehand how I'd feel sitting eating lunch, or falling asleep next to a dead body, I'd have said "no way!" But in the moment it just happened naturally, and I'm forever grateful we had that time to really see and experience the reality. It felt like a continuation of our journey with him. We had been overjoyed finding out he was growing inside of me at only a couple of weeks, the relationship with him began then, and i didn't want to walk away and miss any of ending process either. Luckily there was a desperate shortage of porters that day, in a very busy large London hospital, so they didn't collect him for 6 hours. The nurses kept apologising and urging us to leave, their faces full of concern. But we only left his bedside after he had been taken down to the morgue. I would urge anyone to prolong that experience for as long as you are able to. It is so important to our psychological process of acceptance. My continuation of understanding has been massively supported by discovering Caitlin and her frank and often funny approach. The longer the subject is sugar coated, the longer it takes for you to accept your loss, and to process grief in a healthy way. It will leave you more psychologically affected if you are distanced from the reality, if funeral directors take over too soon. Our imagination is far more grim than the actual experience is. It helps cushion the blow of loss in a way, because that person isn't yet "gone" from you, they are still laying right there, still part of your family. You have time to adjust to the loss of their living self, their breathing, their voice, their warm blooded skin. It happens right in front of you and you get to see it rather than shielded from it. There's no arguing with it, no denial, you've witnessed it first hand. Then your grief can begin for the loss of them in your life, and is not tinged with morbid imaginations of what it is happening or being done to their body. There's no fear that "what if they're not really dead? The doctors may have been wrong!" There's none of those questions because reality just gave you the answers upfront! You have the right to spend time with their body, and I cannot stress enough how invaluable that is to your mental state. Binge watching Caitlin is the second best tool after experiencing the reality, and I can't thank her enough for her channel and her honesty. 😘😘😘
I'm so sorry for your loss and glad u had time to grieve with his body. U r in my thoughts and prayers.....for real. Your story touched my heart. I won't forget it.
@@guardiansanimalrescuestate7289 oh bless you! Thank you for your lovely message! I see you rescue animals...? Then you also deserve thanks! Animals and children are what make this world happy! Have a beautiful day! 😀😀😀 xxxxx
@@tamielizabethallaway2413 yes I am a rescue. I'm certified so I'm not just a hoarder like many are. I recently got a call from animal control to see if I wouikd take a very abused dog. Then she said the guy was caught raping the poor baby. Since I've also had a very difficult life with horrible abuse, I said of cou4se I would take her. And I had this feeling I would be keeping her here in for forever home with me. Her first stop was the vet. She had no hair, and her hip is messed up so she doesn't walk rig t on the one leg. She needs surgery to take that leg off. I can't afford it right now, so she is on pain meds, so she is Sunni g in the yard and a happy happy dog. He also did something to all of her teeth. She doesn't have most of them, and some r broken off at the gum line. Well, she fits right with h my dogs. I have a medical service dog cuz I have epilepsy and other problems, and he babies Evanee and tells me if she needs something. She's an amazing dog and so grateful to me for saving her. She isn't fond of men, but is good with all females. She doesn't hurt men, she just backs away. Sorry this is so long. I'm just very passionate about saving animals, and people who need help. I named her Evanee which means hope and a fighter against evil. Also, I'm in the hospital right now and can't sleep. So I was happy to see ur message. I hope to go home soon. I have epilepsy, gastroperesis, and heart problems ( I have an internal heart monitor under my skin as my heart keeps stopping. So I'm in the hospital now for a feeding tube cuz I'm very underweight. I'm getting a Hickman port central line so I can get TPN at home as well as nutrition in my feeding tube. My service dog is here in the hospital with me, but I sure so miss my other dogs. Anyhow, I'm sorry this is so long. I've been up all night, so I wanted someone to chat with.
First off, I’m so sorry for your loss. I cried reading your comment. I have a 3 year old daughter and I just can’t imagine. So much love to you. Second, I’m so glad you got to spend all that time with him even after he passed. And reading your story has helped me really think about how important it is to have that instead of he distanced from it. Thank you for sharing with us ❤️
@@guardiansanimalrescuestate7289 oh my love! I'm so sorry i just saw your reply! Poxy RUclips didn't give me a notification that you had! Have you got trusted friends who are with your other dogs? Are family supportive to you? I know a fair bit about epilepsy... Our son Oliver had epilepsy. I'm loathe to write about it if I'm talking about him dying from chickenpox, because it seems like if i mention he had other problems, people assume (wrongly) that his other setbacks somehow explain him dying! The fact is he died from chickenpox, pure and simple. But yes he had other complications as a result of having epilepsy. I don't want you to think that I'm replying to you, BUT then making my reply about me and my son, it's just so you know where I'm coming from and a brief explanation as to my experiences with epilepsy. So he was born perfectly normally, normal pregnancy, no complications etc. The day he was born i noticed his eyes were open very wide for a newborn. He really looked at our faces with intent. I commented that he looked at us deeply when we talked, like a deaf person does. I was right, he WAS deaf! So we had to deal with that, audiology appts etc and getting hearing aids. Then at 4 months old he started to hold his little arms out stiffly and cry non stop. Turned out he had west's syndrome, (infantile spasms), a rare baby epilepsy, only 300 babies born per year with it here in the UK. I'll never forget 5 nurses holding his tiny 4 month old body dead still so they could do a lumber puncture! I was nearly sick! Anyway he was put on medicines and we were taught how to give buccal midazolam and wait 5 mins, repeat if necessary, wait 5 mins then ring an ambulance if he was still seizing. We spent half each week at appointments with various doctors or therapists. At age 2 he had a massive 20 hour seizure (status epilepticus) which I know you'll believe, but often people are like 20 hours??? Yeah, drug after drug given, then they induced a coma and we were rushed to London blue lights flashing and sirens all the way. They told us he may not make it, but a week later he was awake and smiling. The after effects on his brain were that he wouldn't be able to walk and so had a wheelchair. He had also regressed from a typical 2 year old to more like an 8 month old baby. At age 3 he went into status again, this time they induced a coma after 6 hours of trying to stop it. He woke up a week later again smiling. The after effects this time was he had complications swallowing, so he was given a gastrostomy, feeding tube into his belly. By now we were learning about the feed pump, were trained to give rectal diazepam and rectal paraldehyde. I was like a walking encyclopedia! He was also still in nappies (diapers). Time went on ups and downs, we spent approx half of his lifetime (5½ years) living at the Ronald McDonald House for parents while he was in the hospital. He was a bit of a heartbreaker, all the nurses loved him! I know everyone says it about their own kids, but my god he was a beautiful child! He had the bluest eyes i have ever seen! Eventually aged 4 he had a vagal nerve stimulator fitted under his collar bone, with wires under the skin that connect to the brain. It can help to suppress seizures in a lot of people. We hoped it would help. It took a while, but we did see an improvement and we were not needing to give emergency drugs so often. Other than his knock on effects of his epilepsy, he was otherwise super healthy! He'd had every test known to mankind, they told us he was the most drug resistant epilepsy case they had worked with. But all his organs and other tests were perfect, he was healthy and robust, loving and snuggly, and playful and so bloody cheeky! He made our faces ache with laughing! Then he caught chickenpox, it got worrying so he was in hospital, then they induced coma number 3 and back up to London we went. He died 2 weeks later in my arms, he'd drowned on the fluid leaking inside his lungs. Chickenpox... Fucking chickenpox! Even now it makes me SO angry that such a regular childhood illness killed him, after all else he had endured and come out smiling from the other end! So yeah, I could talk about this child morning, noon and night and still find another funny anecdote to tell you! But i just wanted you to know that I understand about internal gadgets and living in hospitals and the scary unpredictable worries of epilepsy! You nearly made me cry saying you wanted someone to talk to! Oh god that choked me up! If i was there I'd have got in the bed with you and given you a cuddle! It's so sad your dog can't have the operation it needs because you can't afford it...? Did the charity who gave him to you not offer to do it? Is there not charities near you who could? That makes me so angry, i must seem like I'm always angry lmfao! I'm actually very nice and loving and laugh a lot in spite of my sadness and my own now failing health! But yeah, injustice is what gets me freaking raging! Any person or animal being victimised pisses me off so bad I turn into a vile tourettes-spewing maniac! Raping a dog? Oh my fucking good god! Yeah and we know why he pulled his teeth out! So the dog could blow him off! I'll gladly blow him off with a shotgun to the side of the head! And I don't even know how to use a gun, but he's worth learning for! Hopefully it wouldn't kill him, it would leave him mangled in a wheelchair and I could become his carer! There's just no point in the existence of people like him! And anyone who could love him despite what he's done deserves to go with him! Vile disgusting piece of shit! I love animals, and the best humans are babies and children! I have a dog called Smudge. He is our world! He was a rescue too! We got him a couple of months after Oliver died because I had all this mummy love inside of me and no baby to snuggle! The people who owned him, he's a Jack Russell btw, had two bigger dogs, and Smudge was their "toy"!!! He was bitten all over, chunks of fur missing, and to this day still can't be around other dogs. He is now healthy and spoiled rotten and me and my husband absolutely adore him! He makes my heart melt! I love him so much. He's getting older now and I can't bear the thought of losing him eventually. I'm not a cat person, they freak me out to be honest. I would never hurt one but if friends or family have them I stroke them with a rigid arm! Lol! They always jump on my lap and start kneading me, and it makes me feel faint! I have an older married daughter, she has five children and four cats! If I'm there i have either of her 9 "kids" fighting to sit on nanny's lap! Five are far more welcome to than the other four! Lol! My husband's calling me in for our (very late!) dinner, so I have to go right now, but I'm happy to talk to you more if you wish to? You can email me if you would like to at tamiallaway@aol.com and we can talk more in private. No pressure, just an offer if you would like. Bye for now, lots of love to you, take care! xxxxx 😘
When my daughter passed I was able to spend a few hours with her body. I bathed her, held, and walked with her outside. Those moments we had are priceless. It's sad that not everyone is given that choice. I personally would never have know I was allowed to do that if it wasn't for the hospital staff telling me. I love this message!
When my dad was dying from cancer,you could see the pain and suffering he was going thru,such a cruel disease. When he took his last breath there was this sense of relief in all of us that he was no longer in pain,hours latter when they took him away you could see a grin in his face,probably saying to us "free at last".
Indigenous people have been doing this since time and memorial , embracing the time where family and friends can gather to remember those already gone and those who are yet to be born. This experience is so valuable in understanding life and accepting death as part of a life process.
When I was a kid, we thought that *death was for other people* .Several wars & an epidemic / pandemic later, that blissful illusion has been punctured & deflated.
When I was 12 my daddy died, it was very sudden, completely unexpected. He had a heart attack at work, we were taken to the hospital and told he didn't make it. We did not see him until the next day he was in a coffin, he was cold, pale, and they had put something in his mouth to fill out his cheeks. My daddy was always so warm, he had a ruddy-red complexion and was missing several back teeth so his cheeks were hollowed in a bit. I was told I had to be strong for my mama and little brothers. It was so awful, and I convinced myself that wasn't really him. A few years later(when I was 16) my mama died after a very long illness. We had time to say our goodbyes, I had the time to just be able to love her. The experiences were polar opposites, I still had hard decisions to make which coffin, and dress to bury her in. But all I remember is a blue dress it was her favorite. My final memories of her are positive, holding her hand and talking to her. I have finally over many years blocked out the last image of my daddy. I made sure that my son knows exactly what my final wishes in life, and death are. Also we have set with numerous pets during their final hours, held them, wrapped them up and buried them. He is so much more prepared then I was, I have also told him it's okay to have whatever feelings he has whether it's to cry, get mad or whatever because it's normal to grieve when someone you love is gone.
I'm sorry Carolyn those must of been very tough years of your life. It shouldn't be up to a 12 year old to be 'strong' for anyone during grief. I beleive we should all have the freedom to express our grief the way we need to.
I lost my dad 2 weeks ago, the first death of an immediate family member I’ve experienced as an adult. Mind you, I'd been to a few viewings before a funeral earlier in my life, and it was traumatizing. I was glad my parents chose cremation. When my dad passed at hospice at 7:40 in the morning, I rushed up there to be with my mom and some close family, my mom had asked to funeral home to wait until 11 am to give us time. We sat in the room with my dad’s body and talked, cried, laughed and bonded. Looking back it was remarkably healing and made the whole death thing not as scary. So yes, I do recommend if possible.
Being with the body helps to accept that things are over and its the last moments you will have with them. I've done this with a few people in my life. Goodbyes are important.
My brothers and I were with our mother in her home when she passed. Unfortunately she did not go quietly into the night because she yelled and thrashed about for over a day. Those sounds and sights haunted me for awhile but I have comfort that she’s no longer in pain. Luckily we five siblings were in agreement as to how to lay her to rest.
Mom died in July 2015 after apparently recovering well from cancer surgery; one day she was fine and the next she was gone, pretty suddenly. I had always been afraid of what would happen to me when she died, as the two of use were very close. Turned out I spent about two or three hours with her after she was gone, talking to her and even hugging her body. "She" was obviously gone, but it was cathartic to sit there with her body and say goodbye. I handled it a lot better than I ever thought I could. It's been tough, I still love and miss her, but I think being with her that last time was so important I agree fully with Caitlin.
I watched my 95-year-old father take his last breath. It was a beautiful time. I sat and held his hand to keep it warm until my sister arrived. As each family member arrived, they each went and spent beautiful time with my father. I have never seen anything as heart-warming as our last morning with Daddy. It was glorious.
My mom passed four weeks ago tonight after 15 months on Hospice. Her last seven days (between Christmas and the new year, including her 96th birthday on Dec. 26) were filled with more suffering--not only for her but also for her family--than anyone should ever have to endure. The hour or so we spent with her after her last breath was the most simultaneously painful and cathartic of my life. I wouldn't have sacrificed it for anything. I kissed her beautiful face, held her hand and lovingly removed her still-ticking watch and placed it on my own wrist. I only wish we had spent more time...
my grandmother passed in the hospital on September 20th 2019 and minutes after i hugged her and told her I loved her and gave her a kiss on her forehead and spent about 2 hours with her body with my family
Trisha, you were so fortunate to be able to do this. I lost my love on the 15th September and didn't have the chance to say goodbye as I wasn't family. May your grandmother rest in peace.
I posted this on one of ask a morticians channel but I wanted to share it here i held my dad kissed him held his hands curled up with him rested my head on his big santa belly I would of normally be frightened but I wasnt and I believe thanks to this incredible mortician I found your channel years ago and you always made me laugh. My dad passed away on wednesday. I was in such a daze and still am as it was sudden. he died after mowing the lawn he died in his favourite place. My dad wasn't collected for many hours later and I got to spend time with him and I thought of you and your videos and things you have taught me over bodies and it gave me great comfort in understanding the changes in my dad and helped me to not be scared as he did change over the hours and it didn't put me off holding him talking to him. I really want to thank you for making these videos becsuse you have made me laugh in the past and helped me learn more about the process of death and now encounting a sudden death and a body I actually genuinely feel I wasn't scared because of what your videos teach so thank you so much x
When Caitlin Doughty introduced a Death Doula for self care as you're dying, I felt a sense of relief. A calmness about my own death. My husband won't be able to comfort me unless he's given a specific list of do's and don't's. My daughters will be too distraught. The thought of being in control of my own needs (if there's time) sounds lovely. Thank you 😊❤️
The work Caitlin is doing is so important. We have lost connection and ritual in our society, and just knowing that we legally have these options is the empowerment we all need. Thank you, Caitlin.
It amazed me when a good friend of mine told me she had spent the night after her husband's death sleeping next to him and holding the body, and it took me a while to unpack my own feelings about it. I find this post so valuable.
CharlyRomeo2009 Why is that creepy? Creepy to us....but really it’s just different. That’s not the same thing. It is very normal for some cultures. In fact, some of them live with corpses for an entire year. Might have read that in Caitlin’s book but I can’t remember.
My father passed away on my very first mothers day from esophageal cancer in hospice care in the hospital, we stayed at the hospital all day telling story, holding his hands, and giving hugs even my 7 month old at the time got in on the love and i have a photo of her sitting on his chest playing with his beard other folks think its morbid but i think its precious and this little girl was his pride and joy and actually the last words and movements we saw out of him was him rubbing his grandaughters back and saying "baby". We had just left the hospital and were getting off the ramp on the highway to go home and got the call that my aunt couldnt even tell me she made my fiance tell me that he had waited until his children weren't there to witness him passing, the scream that left my mouth i'll never forget, we dropped our daughter off and raced back so i could help my aunt and so that i could say a final goodbye and give him one last kiss on the cheek. The nurses, oncology, and hospice alike all came in and hugged me and encorage us to take all the time we need and assured me i was strong to return to make sure he got that one last goodbye from his princess. We stayed at my grandmas for hours pinning down the wake and grabbing some personal effects of his to make the night a little more survivable. I still have his pajamas, and work coat which my fiance wears. I am forever greatfull i got to spend that time, i am heartbroken for my mother who lives in florida with her new husband, and dads childhood best friend who was vacationing and left his wife and children in Europe to be there in the end but missed him by 7 and 10 hours, I assured them both that I personally got in his ear and told him "momma and chuck are on there way to see you and to say goodbye" so he knew they would be there to hold the rest of us up.
I was young when my brother passed away so. Idont remember but i remember my mother telling me that they brought him home for a wake the night before the funeral. Hearing this , i felt a little uneasy with that. I didnt understand. But now i do. He was put in his cot and family members could spend time with him to say goodbye. And i understand that now. His death was sudden & many didnt get the chance to see, to understand, or properly say goodbye. This gave them the chance. When my aunt passed away in hospital, the nurses were so kind and let us stay with her for a while afterwards. We held her hand and kissed her forehead and told her we loved her. That time was invaluable. Caitlin does such important work. I will always be thankful for her videos that help me be less afraid of death and mlre willing to say a proper goodbye to my loved ones
Thanks to Caitlin, I have learned I CAN refuse the right to non-homicide autopsy and get a legalized advance written directive for my family or next of kin or chosen designated overseer to refuse autopsy on my body, and that I want to give the option of people to wash, keep my body cool, dress me, sing, remember, mourn, etc, and then to let my body naturally mummify (organs intact) and then to bury me in a DIY eco-friendly wooden coffin in a legalized plot of land that is NOT to be disinterred by any land-developer or pervert. Caitlin, you helped tremendously in that research.
My 2 sisters and I had the most profound experience when our Dad and then Mom passed away. We talked, cried, hugged our parents even after they were dead. It could not have been more loving. Caitlin Doughty could not be more right. Taking the time to just be there is priceless.
I wish I would have had this video 3 years ago as I sat with my grandmother, while 9 months pregnant. When the thoughts were racing thru my head & the devastation was overwhelming. I would redo that whole day. I hope someone sees this video before they actually need it❤️
Thank you as a Paramedic I spend a lot of time with grieving families this has helped me in understanding what they going through ans I hope that I can help to support people going through this with the obvious care diligence ans respect that you show daily thank you
My wife just got her angel wing, and after the paramedics left, I had to wait for the mortuary to come and pick her up. I spent the time cleaning her face, it made me feel better about her death.
I sat with my dad while he was dying and for. Couple of hours after It is transformative and something I didn’t really see my self doing but it really is an honour to be able to be there at the ultimate time of need where your mere presence and touch of a hand gives so much comfort and also allows the grief process to begin
I agree with you as an only doughter it was a bitter sweet moment that seemed to last forever but once it's over you wonder what just happened then you feel numb it's truly an honor and if I had to do it again I would in a heart beat there's always a soul tie that bines us to them forever 12 17 14 will be 5 years and it feels like yesterday
When my father in law passed away at his home, we kept him at home in a cool room, surrounded by his family. He stayed there for a week until the day of his funeral. No embalming, no nothing. The night before the funeral we lined his coffin with velvet and each put something in with him which was personal. After he was placed in his coffin on the morning of the funeral, we held hands around it and said a prayer and then had a few minutes of complete silence. It was unlike any other process I'd ever experienced and not the way I was used to death being handled but it was actually very peaceful, very bonding and not at all traumatic in the fear of leaving them somewhere unfamiliar. When the time came to say goodbye, it felt right and like it was time. Such an organic, calm process. I'm glad we could do that for him. He was a wonderful man.
I remember the memento mori from the Capuchin Crypt: "What you are now, we once were; what we are now, you shall be" - it was on a plaque in front of the skeletons
I sat with my mother for a couple of hours she passed away in her bedroom I wish I had spent more time with her but I did not know you could do this but I am grateful for the 2 hours I had. Thank you Caitlin for shareing your wisdom with us and thank you for your videos and thank you for your sincerity
I was holding my brother when he passed. He told me as I held him that he was dying. He died right after he said that. I helped clean him. It was difficult but I am glad I was there.
Brilliant chat. When my father passed in my home under hospice, we were able to perform ritual and it was amazing to give those last expressions of love. He passed while my sister and I had stepped outside for a break. She was really loosing that we ‘were not there’, it and wanted me to ‘play the song’, kept repeating that. I played Helvegan by Wardruna and began singing along while I burned sage. Even though the bather had been by in the afternoon, I still bathed his upper body, brushed his teeth. She helped me brush his hair and we each added a small braid, groomed his beard. We even changed his top sheet to a color that better complimented him. We kissed him and told him how much he was loved. He was perfect and free of pain. Our mother died from Covid during lockdown, and robbed of us her last months and moments the year before. If I hadn’t cared for him the previous four months, I’m not sure if I’d have been so comfortable- but it allowed us to more fully express our grief for him and for her. We didn’t call the funeral home until we were done. They were very gentle and respectful when they came. And our service was beautiful and simple with a huge backdrop of ferny greenery and garland of ferns around him, covered in a faux fur blanket he looked like he’d fallen asleep on a mossy bank along a mountain stream. We played music he loved and told stories of our favorite memories. Afterwards we had a bonfire, drank his favorite whiskey and smoked cigars while more music played. We feasted and sang, laughed and cried. He would have loved it. We traveled home to California to spread our parents ashes in the mountains they loved.
I got to be with my mother the night before she died in hospice but when she died the next morning, the rest of the family didn't get to stay very long. I wish I had known this information before! Thanks for what you do Caitlin!
At the Bide a Wee Animal hospital in NY where I had 2 of my cats euthanized, I was allowed to be there at the moment of death where the last thing they felt was my hands stroking them and my voice comforting them. I was then given time alone with them where I could say my last goodbyes. If only we could be allowed to take part in the passing of our fellow human loved ones the same caring way.
Agreed. I was allowed to sit in a rocking chair with my darling tomcat against my chest where I could hold and talk to him as he passed. We should have more time with our recently passed loved ones.
I had this experience with my 17yo cat. It was unexpected but I was able to scratch his ears and let him smell me as he passed and I was given the room for as long as I needed. It felt like I was in there with him for an hour but it might have only been twenty minutes. Walking out of that building without him is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but I can't imagine how much more difficult it would have been if I hadn't been given that time and privacy.
So important to honor the wishes of decedents and their families. We were able to honor my daddy’s wish of cremation, which honestly, made it so much easier for us, because we knew that’s what he wanted. Death plans are so important, whether formal or verbal (as in my daddy’s case). Thank you for being an End-Of-Life advocate, Caitlin.
You are spot on. I stayed with my mom until they came for. I was not allowed to be present while the bagged her and wheeled her out. But I was okay with that. I was a physical and emotional mess when she died
Same here. I was a wreck too, even though mine had been ill for years. I redressed her and brushed her hair and kissed her and promised I would take care of everyone. It was valuable time.
Caitlin is a wonderful speaker. As a hospice nurse I'm "comfortable" in dealing with death but her videos are so helpful in understanding the many different aspects of the death process.
This is so true. I regret not spending that special time with my mum... I did manage to have some time with my daughter who dies shortly after birth and am so grateful that this was encouraged. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with so many people.
I am really glad to see you addressing this. I was a Registered Nurse for many years before I became disabled. I myself have been comfortable with death since my grandmother's death when I was 7 because of my Catholic faith. Unfortunately in spite of trying to encourage loved ones to spend time before and after death I have found so many in our culture SO uncomfortable with the whole thing. Death can you be as beautiful as life can possibly get but we don't tend to treat it that way. I am so greatfull that part of my calling in life allowed me to share such a beautiful moment with so many patients during my career. It is a privilege to be involved in such an intimate event in a person's life. Keep up the good work. Hopefully we change the way our society looks at death as something to be avoided, especially since that isn't really an option.
Wonderful to hear her say this. I Need to have my family hear it. I do feel that it is a “need” situation. We need to do this with our families before they die and be there for them in this way after they pass. Part of the reason you feel so bereft and almost kicked out on the street after someone passes in a hospital situation is that we don’t get to come to terms with what has happened whilst spending those last hours with our loved ones physically body. We go home. Without them. The time to really be there is at that time. And who’s to say that their spirit isn’t in the room with us. Right beside us also coming to terms with the fact that they are gone from the physical world. And we walk away from them the minute their heart stops. Thank you for opening my eyes Caitlin. I look back at what I missed with my grandparents and truly feel the loss once again.
I was in such shock when my Mother passed away, and I was pushed away by my narccistic sister, and I now regret it. I should have insisted on time alone with her body. I encourage anyone who has the opportunity to please listen to Caitlyn, and spend time with your loved one (if you can) otherwise you may regret it.
What Caitlin says is so true. I lost both of my younger brothers in two accidents. Car and motorbike. But I was not allowed to see their bodies after they died. It would have helped. Especially the first time. I kept thinking I saw him. On station platforms, on the street . .
When my nanna died many years ago in her nursing home, my parents, aunt and I were there with her. I stayed with my nanna in her room when she had passed away. It was very surreal I guess u could say. I also didn't feel right leaving her there on her bed alone. I never left her side once till the ambulance came to pick up her body. I held her hand. I'll never forget how ice cold her hand was. That was the 1st time I had seen a dead body in real life
Just a few months ago my father died in his own bed just as he wanted. The family was at the house despite the fact it was 3am . This is so true those of us who wanted hugs and kisses did so . I was able to close his eyes and it was a wonderful time for all of us. For myself and one of my sisters it was a great healing experience that made the funeral much easier to deal with
When my mother died I was spent, wore out, physically and mentally. I am glad I was able to hold her hand as she passed but once she was gone I just didn't have any interest in hanging arround her mortal husk anymore. That wasn't her. The tent she had inhabited had failed and she had moved on. My father did spend some time with her, tidied her up a bit. The nurses were great about letting him have all the time he needed. That surprised me becase the doctors had been all up our asses about unplugging her sooner. It was like they had plans for the room personally and we were ruining them becase we didn't pull life support fast enough. If this helps some people great. I just don't see it being helpful to me personally. My big regret is I did not get to be a pallbearer. That was the last practical thing I could have done for her and I didn't get to do it. I really wish the driver of the funeral car had come and got me instead of just grabbing whoever was handy the moment they wanted her out of the hearse. If we lived in another state there would not even have been a hearse but IL is one of the states where a funeral home has to do pretty much everything. They really have the whole thing locked up tight. Whatever payoff they made must have been worth it.
I was at my mother’s side when she passed away and, looking back at it, I’m happy I was able to be there. Seeing the process of her passing away & knowing she was at peace was extremely important and definitely provided closure for me. When my father passed away, it was during the pandemic and, living in another city, I was unable to be there with him. To this day, it upsets me that I wasn’t able to be at his side and - 8 months later - I still don’t feel closure.
I lost my old dog and my grandma in one week. When my dad and I found out our old dog passed away, peacefully at home, we kept her body in the home for a while before burying her. Before we laid her to rest, I lit candles, burned sage and placed a lily on my dogs body. Two days later, my grandma passed away. When I given the opportunity to see my grandmas body before closing the casket, I knew what I was getting myself into. When I saw her body laying in the casket, i realized that, to me, it wasn’t my grandma anymore. It was just a body, which was exactly what I thought when I woke up and found out my old dog passed away. With seeing and spending time with my dog and my grandmas bodies it helped me realized how well I’ve had it. I was blessed to have a smart, protective and loyal dog and I was blessed to have a grandma who was open minded, intelligent, and loving! I personally believe that one day I will reunite with them. In the meantime, I just want to live my life to the fullest.
I just took care of a life long friend till she passed and her husband, mother and I spent time with her after she passed at home. A Hospice nurse a helped me wash her and dress her, after we were done she looked beautiful and 20yrs.and younger and no more pain. Death is a process and I'm a true believer that the soul leaves before the body gives all the way, I've seen it for myself more the once. P.S. God Bless Hospice workers.
Caitlin, I’ve been watching you for a time and have to say you really helped me when my mom died. She was buried in a traditional Jewish casket and it was beautiful..I wouldn’t have understood that if it wasn’t for you...thanks
We were with my Dad for a good while as and after he passed. It was, indeed, wonderful. Lot's of storytelling, laughing, and remembering...It was actually a very calm, happy time. He passed in a VA hospital, yet they did allow us the time we needed, and wanted, to spend the time we all needed.
Watching my mother-in law die of lung cancer was traumatic for us. But the nuns at the catholic hospice gave her love and dignity. And they gently prepared us too..We lived several hours away .we were not there when she passed.the sisters called us as soon as she passed..We got to hold and kiss her goodbye in private… till we were ready to let go…so we did not feel as though death stole her away abruptly.. it just felt so peaceful and…ok,…no more pain for Julia only peace.
I've been a fan of her channel since it started. I just enjoyed the morbid and macabre. But then when my mother was diagnose with a terminal illness and I had to take over her physical care for the last year of her life her videos became a godsend! It helped me understands the process I was going to experience at the end.
As usual, this is a very thoughtful and helpful perspective from this wonderful woman. For me, once the body is dead, there is nothing there; the spirit has moved on. I have had the experience, more than once, with the dearest people in my life, so I’m not just talking. I don’t know that I could see it differently for myself.
Possibly the most tenderhearted of your videos I have seen so far dealing, as you do, with the feelings and the needs of the inner person at the crucial time.
This is something I have never experienced with my family, or even my pets growing up ( my parents found it inappropriate to expose me to euthanasia) and it kills me not to have seen my grandpa after death but rather when he didn’t recognize many of our family. This is an emotional experience that I would find very maturing and not enough people get to experience it
Yes I spent time with my beautiful mother who passed away in hospital and I put my head on the pillow with her and held her hand I wanted to spend as long as possible with her it was very special I still miss her so much She was my best friend
Being there when they die.My Nana I felt her above me she left me with a feeling of she was content and comforted me for few seconds that felt a lot longer.And It was real and powerful.
It will never stop being saddened and angered that my family was denied this opportunity by the coroners when we lost my brother. It is something that I know I needed and I can’t get back. I don’t fully understand why it happened and I know it greatly impacted my healing process.
I grew up in Lancaster County in PA. There were alot of Amish, Mennonite and Plain People ( horse and buggy). Our housekeeper was Old Order Mennonite. They lived very plain simple lives. When someone died, they would have a cabinet maker, make a coffin( the coffin was muslin lined and very minimal makup used. They were embalmed ( state law) , the deceased person was brought to the late residence after preparation. The family would sit with the deceased all night taking turns for the wake. In the morning a house church service was held. Then the undertaker would bring the horse drawn hearse to the house load the coffin and drive to the cemetery. They also had a big meal served at the late residence for family/ freiends, usually served in seated shifts. I went to a few such services. My partner had health issues about 1 1/2 years before he passed away in the hospital (2010) due to multiple issues. I would sit with him, feed him ice and talk to him, when I wasn't home or working. I stayed in the hospital in his room the night before he died. I now wish I would have helped prep him( worked in a nursing home before I met him) to go to the morgue and later at the crematory to watch the cremation. I think I was so overtaken with the loss, but now wished I had done more. I think it is GREAT and a WONDERFUL thing to do, if you can pursue that end. He was buried at Cape May Beach, which we used to walk along when we lived in New Jersey. I'm glad I did what I could for him. I think we have gotten away from being close[r] to dying and death than we used to be.....It has become so "sanitized" by the funeral industry. We were together 25 years. I plan to have a tree planted in his memory next spring 2020.
Lived in Ellizabethtown PA near Hershy/also in NJ ....worked as a NA/RA ... I understand. I believe you did what ..at the time...was the thing to do....I totally believe...we 'all' have the right to die ..in peace...with our family taking care of the body...viewing in a family members home...( like my grandmother did ) ,,,Why/How did this all change ?? for others to once again ..make $$$$$$$$$$$$$ off of those who are grieving..???? : ( sad no control of 'our lives ..living or dead........
As I listened to Caitlin speak I felt that I totally honored my parents by doing exactly that. Spending time with them. Not an easy task, I may add; but I appreciated those moments. I'm glad our farewell was intimate, personal, serene, quiet with space to feel.
So very important. My greatest wish was to be able to see my brothers after they had died. (Both younger than me; two accidents.) My parents believed that it would cause me more grief, but they were wrong.
My dad died a few weeks ago. I didn't actually see him die, never saw his dead body, and I'm glad I didn't. It was bad enough seeing him in the condition that he was in. Spent lots of time with him before and during his illness and in hospice care. Wanted to only see him when there was life in him. He donated his body to science and we will get his ashes sent to us. We didn't do a funeral (he didn't want one, and neither did we.) Saved us a lot of money and made it easier to move on. I never said goodbye to my dad, and I never will.
Thank you for posting this. My mom died at year ago at home and it was an expected death. She passed at 4:10AM. I was with her. I am glad it took hours for the funeral people to show up. I loved being able to be with her and cry and talk to her and just let one thing end and another thing start with some interim between them. Sometimes keeping it simple and on the shorter side is all you need. When you take care of someone like I did and they pass, then you are like a car going 60 mph that brakes to zero in a very quick time. You go from having lots to do to having very little to do. You need a gap between what was and what is to come next.
The person I loved died recently and I never had the chance, because I wasn't family to see his body and to grieve his loss. I still cannot get over the pain of not seeing him and saying goodbye properly. I had viewed my Mother and Father and doing this helped the process of grieving due to the peacefulness I felt and observed.
Fantastic videos as always Caitlyn, I am 55 and After watching you for a number of years i have decided and made plans for,,,,,,wait for it,,,,,, dahhdahhh A proper Green Burial, lying within a willow box. Its in a protected large woodland area with a lot of indiginous wildlife and fauna, I live in Plymouth, England UK, Surrounded by Dartmoor and its an area within Dartmoor where i will do my bit for the planet lol, Thank you for your fun facts surrounding all aspects of Death, Long may you continue xx
shapumawildcat , Hello , I live most of my time between Dartmoor and Exmoor and have donated any part of my body which isn't too knackered to help the living , whatever is left will be buried on Dartmoor SO we may meet one dark gloomy night AND SCARE EACH OTHER ALIVE INSTEAD OF SCARING EACH OTHER TO DEATH .
Oh ! By the way. .I am almost 70yrs old so in all probability I shall beat you to it , do you think the ' Big Black Panther ' like creature will get a meal from my leftovers ? Or the ghost of a French prisoner of War scare me alive ? I often feel so sad thinking about those pathetic little gravestones with just a number on them and the Hell they endured in such a cold desolate place like Dartmoor which is still operating as a Prison . 😱😱😱
@@tempusfugit7127 Hello after reading about what you plan to do I felt the need to contact you, I live in Devon but spent as much time as possible in Cornwall were we have a small plot of land,I can't tell you where for obvious reasons, but it's rural and primal and so peaceful,close to ancient settlements and cairns it's so beautiful.During the summer three generations of my family enjoy it,I am not well but enjoy as much time in nature as possible. I will be buried in a shroud with a cairn & a bench near by so my loved ones can come &talk to me and enjoy a fabulous view. There will be no undertakers or vicar,Just my family &friends food &drinks a bonfire ,music and no doubt some tales. When my sunsets ⚰🌅🥂🌲🌳
I watched my mother take her last breath March 23,2019! As she passed I reached up to heaven and told her goodbye I will never forget that experience oh I miss her everyday and forever.😪
First, this is my own personal take on this, and I realize everyone has their own feelings and beliefs. I’ve experienced two dead bodies of loved ones. First was my grandma. When I saw her lying in her coffin, I deeply felt like she wasn’t there. I’m not a religious person, but I recognized she was gone. What was in the coffin was a shell of her. Second was my heart dog who I lost almost 2 years ago. I was with her while she received the injection that stopped her heart. It was devastating. I still shed tears over it. She was my child. However, once the vet pronounced her dead, I had the exact same feeling as my grandma. She was gone. Where I don’t know, but I did tell her in my private time right before I lost her was that we’d see each other again. The vet told me I could stay with her body as long as I needed to, but I literally felt she as I knew her was gone. Her energy was gone. She was a shell. I had no urge or desire to spend time with her body.
My mom did die in the hospice. We spent the hours before with her, we held her hand as she died, and we stayed with her after. I held her hand and we took turns telling stories about her. I hugged her and cried. When i left i touched her and she was cold and starting to stiffen. I am thankful for these hours. Im so thankful for Caitlyn and her videos, becuase i never knew i needed this time before. I am so thankful for the funeral home driver who came to get my mom. He noticed a picture we had of my mom and her grandson. He asked if he could take it, and he tucked it under her arm and she was cremated with it
When our Dad died 10 years ago, he was sitting in his recliner with his coffee cup still in his hand. We had him for about 3 hours alone. As many family members possible came into Dad's living room to say goodbye. He just looked sound asleep and comfortable. He was still warm and we all hugged and kissed him all morning. The little children were just playing with Hot Wheels and other toys they had right in front of my Dad's chair. Kinda sweet to see how they accepted their Grampa's death so innocently. It seemed so unreal but we were all crying yet feeling so blessed to have those precious few hours alone with him. The worst part was when the mortuary came to pick him up. That was the real moment of truth for all of us. That was when our fears began. That was when we watched him being zipped up in a body bag. And that's when our suffering began. Thank you Caitlin. You are the best. P.S. Our Mother died suddenly last week. We were with her as she took her last breath. Goodbye to a beautiful time of our lives. They are now resting together forever. 😢❤❤
SO identify with topic at min. 7.00. When my Gma passed I felt so put-upon to "perform" for my relatives- it truly makes zero sense. One of the worst times of my life and I have to react to "I'm sorry for your loss" a hundred times, host what is essentially a party/family gathering, and be a part of a public speaking event. We have gotten so far away from experiencing death meaningfully. Caitlin-thank you so much for continuing to bring this issue forward. Really enjoyed your first book and still keeping up w/your channel.
When my dad passed, I had the chance to see him after his death and say the things I’ve always wanted to tell him, say goodbye; tell him that I loved him. But out of sheer fear, I couldn’t. And didn’t. It’s been 6 years and I regret it everyday. And most likely will till I die.
i took care of my grandmother a whole year before she passed on and when she finally left this world, it was peaceful. she gasped a few times and then her life came to an end. I felt sad of course, I cried of course but every now and then I remember all the good memories and i'm able to smile.
I love how you share this wonderful information with us that we would not otherwise have known. I've enjoyed your videos so much! I appreciate all that you give to us, the average person would not know these type of things except that we're blessed enough to have this information from you. You rock.
I am so ashamed that I was too scared to see my father before he was cremated. This wonderful woman has given me peace with my own death. When my friends daughter died I put my hand on hers at the wake and she felt cold and wrong, not the sweet girl I watched grow up.
I did both. I was with mom when she passed. I was in her bed with her at my home . People in the house but I was allowed to be alone with her at the moment of her death. I did stay with her for some time before the undertaker came . It was an amazingly intimate experience. She never stopped giving to me even in death. Love you mom. Miss you.
Maybe not exactly to the point but I spent time with each of my parents immediately after their death. The hospital left me alone with my father in the room where he died. I said prayers over my mother’s body after her death. This was a long time ago so I don’t know what happens now. In any case both had traditional funerals but I was able to be with both of them before they were taken to the mortuary. Even during the calling hours I made sure I was there alone each time. It is a little strange to me at a wake when everyone is gathered around like at cocktail party with the “guest of honor” lying there half noticed, half ignored. Yet, good things do come from these gatherings 💕
@CharlyRomeo2009 Why would you criticize the efforts of a person to grieve and remember their Loved ones?!? Ohhhh you must be one of those snarky, creepy internet peeps who think their negative opinions of the thoughts and feelings of others are somehow relevant. Would it be so hard to raise Daniel Scuiry up and praise them for trying to deal with the deaths of their Loved ones? Would that have increased your value as a human being? No it wouldn't have been difficult. And yes it would have. You are as irrelevant as your hateful, snarky opinions. Hopefully you piss every person in your life and world off and there are no mourners to mourn your passing when you go, and you end up in a barely marked paupers grave. Hopefully anybody WILLING to acknowledge you existed throw a party because you are finally, completely out of their hair and gone. Because that's the sort of disdain hateful comments like yours earn. Karma, shes always a bitch.
Thank you Caitlin for being you, for caring about death and grieving, and the good death. I have been present, fully present, at the deaths of my grandfather, my mother of bladder cancer, and my sister of inflammatory breast cancer, and was so grateful for the experiences. I have also experienced a loved one's suicide and the death of a brother from complications of alcoholism. It was when I held my golden retriever in my arms at the moment of feeling her life leave her body that I fully understood how privileged I've been to be present at the moments when life flies. I love your videos--so wonderfully "irreverent"--and at times I cry spontaneously but am always grateful for the opportunity to feel so deeply, to remember what it felt like and to feel the losses again--grieving is and ongoing process of both sorrow and joy. Thank you for being you. (Big hug emoji!)
This is going to sound morbid but I'm glad I was able to see my dad directly after he died because he was a pretty big guy, not to mention some swelling for the past year due to organ problems. In the casket, his chest and belly were completely flat and he looked about 20 years younger than he was... younger than I ever remembered him to be. Seeing his unembalmed body felt more normal than the latter
She is right i was able to spend time in the hospital with my mom i even got in bed with her, and just held her and cried, it wasnt morbid because it was my mother, it was very natural
wild& peaceful exactly, same with my grandma 🙏💜💔
That's awesome 🌹
It's so hard to explain to someone that has not went through that. I'm not only glad for being able to have the time with my Gramma, But also I'm still so grateful that my family respected my wishes.
It was also good to give her a hug, cuz for the past many years before she died, we always obviously had to be so careful cuz she was in her 90s & fragile.
★🅡.🅘.🅟★
🖤🅷🆄🅶🖤
Yes. My siblings and I spent time with our mother in the same way. Sitting around her, holding her hand, reminiscing. It was beautiful and I am so grateful for that time.
I couldn't DISagree more! I'd much rather remember my loved-ones as they were (alive), than to remember them as just an empty shell of a former person.
wild& peaceful How blessed u are.. I wasn’t there when my mom died n I was only 26
She was all by herself in that horrid hospital 💔
I have learned more about the event of death and the industry surrounding it from this woman than anyone else. She has a number of videos which go into subjects of profound importance. She provides a true public service.
Isn't she amazing? 😊 I'm so grateful
I agree. At the same time, if all one focuses on is death then they aren't living their life.
I arranged a viewing of my uncle (no-embalming, no eye-caps or anything, we don’t really do that in the UK) about a week after he died, the funeral home were brilliant and I got as long as I wanted with him, I was the only person to go to see him. Caitlin gave me that special time with him, no tears, no wailing just a chance to say goodbye and it meant the world to me.
So thank you CD you made a painful time infinitely better.
I sat for 21 hours with my partner as he died. She speaks the truth.
Hugz ❤️ ☮️
Trixie's Mom I cant imagine. So much love to you ❤️
I couldn't DISagree more! I'd much rather remember my loved-ones as they were (alive), than to remember them as just an empty shell of a former person.
You are not alone... I know this rings a bit hollow... BUT I have to say it.
I was too young for a lifetime commitment. Frankly, so was she. The big C got us both off guard, and I visited regularly. I was Navy, and only in town for the duty-call... BUT I took every opportunity to get off base to see her... check up and bring her the things she wanted most. She wanted to finish high school (senior year)... and I brought homework against her family's wishes... I read to her and took notations, typed as she spoke off her thoughts for papers... I ran for the library, checked out books... I even managed resource and specialty books that "shouldn't be taken outside"... and brought them to bear for her express requests...
...The big C was inoperable. Chemo' was scarcely "buying time". Scars and deterioration made her almost unrecognizable.... but I'd pledged Cassy my heart and mind. It was in mid September... we were leaving the summer holidays for the Halloweens and Thanksgiving and X-mases... and she got news from the school, to graduate ahead of her class...
Somehow... As I made it to the auditorium that day... that "graduation" rang hollow and cold. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm the asshole, and I can live with that... BUT among all the faces in the crowd... When I took the podium, I started calling them out. I called out the ones who'd given her crap for having shorter hair. I called the same ones down, especially, for a scene when they pulled her wig off (chemo)... and I dared them stand up and apologize, now that they knew the truth, she was dying, and this was her memorial... even a day or so before the plug was pulled... OR did they (anyone of them) have enough fiber to go visit Cassy and beg her forgiveness, for being such rotten sons of bitches. The rest of the students... outright I accused, to take the excuse of someone else's fall... just whatever was handy to get out of class.... OR maybe... just maybe, if they really felt a damn thing... then they could talk their parents into a stop by the hospital so they could just make a five minute stop by... a visit... say, "Jeeez;... you look like sh*t! You reallyneed to let someone look at that..." just something to say "I give half a sh*t" BEFORE she died....
...I can't recall and quote the speech. I can remember swatting the microphone aside... AND I can recall stepping right off the stage (about a five or six foot drop... to where the orchestral band would normally have played)... I left the crowd at school to contemplate the real connections with their lost student. I forgave them.
AND here's the thing... It's not on YOU to make a connection to every single human being on earth. NOR is it on you to even make connection or cultivate a relationship with every human who coexisted with you,,, just for the same system, isolated or otherwise... etc;;;
If I can't expect you to connect to someone n your own high school class... anymore than I can expect myself to connect with someone intimately involved with police policy ten thousand miles away,,, FOR better or worse, we must both just reach EXPRESSLY TO CONNECT with whatever and whoever we can find receptive and available.... and maybe... good hunting, good luck... and good night. ;o)
that,s different
In nursing school, we were told that the more interaction a family has with a deceased loved one in the space between death and burial, the better it is psychologically for the mourners and that it helps them through those 5 stages of grieving. We were told to encourage the family to sit with the deceased and later help in washing and dressing the corpse.
Often most people do not go through stages in grieving. Some may go through one or two or none at all. Instead of "encouraging" families to do these things, it might be better if you just respect the family's wishes, and let them deal with their feelings in their own way. Why would nurses even begin to encourage families to wash and dress their dead relatives? For most people, that would be quite uncomfortable, because in our society, that is not the typical practice..
I love this idea, I'm not comfortable with a stranger to our family giving my loved one their last cleansing
@@purplenights1 I agree
I disagree. I'd rather remember my loved-ones as they were (alive!) instead of as an empty shell.
that is so redicquos. washing and dressing the corpse is the funeral employees duty.
what is wrong with you?
Me and immediate family (12 of us) sat with my son for 6 hours after he died. He was 5½ and had died from chickenpox. We sat in his hospital room, we washed him, wrapped him in a clean blanket like a swaddled baby. 😊 Me and my husband laid either side of him to have a cuddle, and were so exhausted we both actually fell asleep for an hour! My parents went and bought sandwiches and cups of tea which we all ate sitting in his room. We took photos of us with him, kissing his cheeks or watching over him. None of this was preplanned, the nurses came in a few times and said we could leave and they would watch over him until a porter could come and wheel him away. I think the nurses were concerned that the changes we would witness would be too traumatic for us. But I refused to leave him. Had you asked me beforehand how I'd feel sitting eating lunch, or falling asleep next to a dead body, I'd have said "no way!" But in the moment it just happened naturally, and I'm forever grateful we had that time to really see and experience the reality. It felt like a continuation of our journey with him. We had been overjoyed finding out he was growing inside of me at only a couple of weeks, the relationship with him began then, and i didn't want to walk away and miss any of ending process either. Luckily there was a desperate shortage of porters that day, in a very busy large London hospital, so they didn't collect him for 6 hours. The nurses kept apologising and urging us to leave, their faces full of concern. But we only left his bedside after he had been taken down to the morgue. I would urge anyone to prolong that experience for as long as you are able to. It is so important to our psychological process of acceptance. My continuation of understanding has been massively supported by discovering Caitlin and her frank and often funny approach. The longer the subject is sugar coated, the longer it takes for you to accept your loss, and to process grief in a healthy way. It will leave you more psychologically affected if you are distanced from the reality, if funeral directors take over too soon. Our imagination is far more grim than the actual experience is. It helps cushion the blow of loss in a way, because that person isn't yet "gone" from you, they are still laying right there, still part of your family. You have time to adjust to the loss of their living self, their breathing, their voice, their warm blooded skin. It happens right in front of you and you get to see it rather than shielded from it. There's no arguing with it, no denial, you've witnessed it first hand. Then your grief can begin for the loss of them in your life, and is not tinged with morbid imaginations of what it is happening or being done to their body. There's no fear that "what if they're not really dead? The doctors may have been wrong!" There's none of those questions because reality just gave you the answers upfront! You have the right to spend time with their body, and I cannot stress enough how invaluable that is to your mental state. Binge watching Caitlin is the second best tool after experiencing the reality, and I can't thank her enough for her channel and her honesty. 😘😘😘
I'm so sorry for your loss and glad u had time to grieve with his body. U r in my thoughts and prayers.....for real. Your story touched my heart. I won't forget it.
@@guardiansanimalrescuestate7289 oh bless you! Thank you for your lovely message! I see you rescue animals...? Then you also deserve thanks! Animals and children are what make this world happy! Have a beautiful day! 😀😀😀 xxxxx
@@tamielizabethallaway2413 yes I am a rescue. I'm certified so I'm not just a hoarder like many are. I recently got a call from animal control to see if I wouikd take a very abused dog. Then she said the guy was caught raping the poor baby. Since I've also had a very difficult life with horrible abuse, I said of cou4se I would take her. And I had this feeling I would be keeping her here in for forever home with me. Her first stop was the vet. She had no hair, and her hip is messed up so she doesn't walk rig t on the one leg. She needs surgery to take that leg off. I can't afford it right now, so she is on pain meds, so she is Sunni g in the yard and a happy happy dog. He also did something to all of her teeth. She doesn't have most of them, and some r broken off at the gum line.
Well, she fits right with h my dogs. I have a medical service dog cuz I have epilepsy and other problems, and he babies Evanee and tells me if she needs something. She's an amazing dog and so grateful to me for saving her. She isn't fond of men, but is good with all females. She doesn't hurt men, she just backs away.
Sorry this is so long. I'm just very passionate about saving animals, and people who need help. I named her Evanee which means hope and a fighter against evil. Also, I'm in the hospital right now and can't sleep. So I was happy to see ur message. I hope to go home soon. I have epilepsy, gastroperesis, and heart problems ( I have an internal heart monitor under my skin as my heart keeps stopping. So I'm in the hospital now for a feeding tube cuz I'm very underweight. I'm getting a Hickman port central line so I can get TPN at home as well as nutrition in my feeding tube. My service dog is here in the hospital with me, but I sure so miss my other dogs.
Anyhow, I'm sorry this is so long. I've been up all night, so I wanted someone to chat with.
First off, I’m so sorry for your loss. I cried reading your comment. I have a 3 year old daughter and I just can’t imagine. So much love to you. Second, I’m so glad you got to spend all that time with him even after he passed. And reading your story has helped me really think about how important it is to have that instead of he distanced from it. Thank you for sharing with us ❤️
@@guardiansanimalrescuestate7289 oh my love! I'm so sorry i just saw your reply! Poxy RUclips didn't give me a notification that you had! Have you got trusted friends who are with your other dogs? Are family supportive to you? I know a fair bit about epilepsy... Our son Oliver had epilepsy. I'm loathe to write about it if I'm talking about him dying from chickenpox, because it seems like if i mention he had other problems, people assume (wrongly) that his other setbacks somehow explain him dying! The fact is he died from chickenpox, pure and simple. But yes he had other complications as a result of having epilepsy. I don't want you to think that I'm replying to you, BUT then making my reply about me and my son, it's just so you know where I'm coming from and a brief explanation as to my experiences with epilepsy. So he was born perfectly normally, normal pregnancy, no complications etc. The day he was born i noticed his eyes were open very wide for a newborn. He really looked at our faces with intent. I commented that he looked at us deeply when we talked, like a deaf person does. I was right, he WAS deaf! So we had to deal with that, audiology appts etc and getting hearing aids. Then at 4 months old he started to hold his little arms out stiffly and cry non stop. Turned out he had west's syndrome, (infantile spasms), a rare baby epilepsy, only 300 babies born per year with it here in the UK. I'll never forget 5 nurses holding his tiny 4 month old body dead still so they could do a lumber puncture! I was nearly sick! Anyway he was put on medicines and we were taught how to give buccal midazolam and wait 5 mins, repeat if necessary, wait 5 mins then ring an ambulance if he was still seizing. We spent half each week at appointments with various doctors or therapists. At age 2 he had a massive 20 hour seizure (status epilepticus) which I know you'll believe, but often people are like 20 hours??? Yeah, drug after drug given, then they induced a coma and we were rushed to London blue lights flashing and sirens all the way. They told us he may not make it, but a week later he was awake and smiling. The after effects on his brain were that he wouldn't be able to walk and so had a wheelchair. He had also regressed from a typical 2 year old to more like an 8 month old baby. At age 3 he went into status again, this time they induced a coma after 6 hours of trying to stop it. He woke up a week later again smiling. The after effects this time was he had complications swallowing, so he was given a gastrostomy, feeding tube into his belly. By now we were learning about the feed pump, were trained to give rectal diazepam and rectal paraldehyde. I was like a walking encyclopedia! He was also still in nappies (diapers). Time went on ups and downs, we spent approx half of his lifetime (5½ years) living at the Ronald McDonald House for parents while he was in the hospital. He was a bit of a heartbreaker, all the nurses loved him! I know everyone says it about their own kids, but my god he was a beautiful child! He had the bluest eyes i have ever seen! Eventually aged 4 he had a vagal nerve stimulator fitted under his collar bone, with wires under the skin that connect to the brain. It can help to suppress seizures in a lot of people. We hoped it would help. It took a while, but we did see an improvement and we were not needing to give emergency drugs so often. Other than his knock on effects of his epilepsy, he was otherwise super healthy! He'd had every test known to mankind, they told us he was the most drug resistant epilepsy case they had worked with. But all his organs and other tests were perfect, he was healthy and robust, loving and snuggly, and playful and so bloody cheeky! He made our faces ache with laughing! Then he caught chickenpox, it got worrying so he was in hospital, then they induced coma number 3 and back up to London we went. He died 2 weeks later in my arms, he'd drowned on the fluid leaking inside his lungs. Chickenpox... Fucking chickenpox! Even now it makes me SO angry that such a regular childhood illness killed him, after all else he had endured and come out smiling from the other end! So yeah, I could talk about this child morning, noon and night and still find another funny anecdote to tell you! But i just wanted you to know that I understand about internal gadgets and living in hospitals and the scary unpredictable worries of epilepsy! You nearly made me cry saying you wanted someone to talk to! Oh god that choked me up! If i was there I'd have got in the bed with you and given you a cuddle! It's so sad your dog can't have the operation it needs because you can't afford it...? Did the charity who gave him to you not offer to do it? Is there not charities near you who could? That makes me so angry, i must seem like I'm always angry lmfao! I'm actually very nice and loving and laugh a lot in spite of my sadness and my own now failing health! But yeah, injustice is what gets me freaking raging! Any person or animal being victimised pisses me off so bad I turn into a vile tourettes-spewing maniac! Raping a dog? Oh my fucking good god! Yeah and we know why he pulled his teeth out! So the dog could blow him off! I'll gladly blow him off with a shotgun to the side of the head! And I don't even know how to use a gun, but he's worth learning for! Hopefully it wouldn't kill him, it would leave him mangled in a wheelchair and I could become his carer! There's just no point in the existence of people like him! And anyone who could love him despite what he's done deserves to go with him! Vile disgusting piece of shit! I love animals, and the best humans are babies and children! I have a dog called Smudge. He is our world! He was a rescue too! We got him a couple of months after Oliver died because I had all this mummy love inside of me and no baby to snuggle! The people who owned him, he's a Jack Russell btw, had two bigger dogs, and Smudge was their "toy"!!! He was bitten all over, chunks of fur missing, and to this day still can't be around other dogs. He is now healthy and spoiled rotten and me and my husband absolutely adore him! He makes my heart melt! I love him so much. He's getting older now and I can't bear the thought of losing him eventually. I'm not a cat person, they freak me out to be honest. I would never hurt one but if friends or family have them I stroke them with a rigid arm! Lol! They always jump on my lap and start kneading me, and it makes me feel faint! I have an older married daughter, she has five children and four cats! If I'm there i have either of her 9 "kids" fighting to sit on nanny's lap! Five are far more welcome to than the other four! Lol! My husband's calling me in for our (very late!) dinner, so I have to go right now, but I'm happy to talk to you more if you wish to? You can email me if you would like to at tamiallaway@aol.com and we can talk more in private. No pressure, just an offer if you would like. Bye for now, lots of love to you, take care! xxxxx 😘
Deathlings! She’s over here!! ❤️🙏🏽❤️
🖤🌹🖤🌹🖤
Angeline JoVan #deathlings 💀💪😉🙌💜
Yay! 😊 So proud to see her here!
Love that she's able to step outside of her usual platforms and speak at these conferences. She's so awesome!
Go Caitlin,go Caitlin,,,
When my daughter passed I was able to spend a few hours with her body. I bathed her, held, and walked with her outside. Those moments we had are priceless. It's sad that not everyone is given that choice. I personally would never have know I was allowed to do that if it wasn't for the hospital staff telling me. I love this message!
When my dad was dying from cancer,you could see the pain and suffering he was going thru,such a cruel disease. When he took his last breath there was this sense of relief in all of us that he was no longer in pain,hours latter when they took him away you could see a grin in his face,probably saying to us "free at last".
Indigenous people have been doing this since time and memorial , embracing the time where family and friends can gather to remember those already gone and those who are yet to be born. This experience is so valuable in understanding life and accepting death as part of a life process.
When I was a kid, we thought that *death was for other people* .Several wars & an epidemic / pandemic later, that blissful illusion has been punctured & deflated.
When I was 12 my daddy died, it was very sudden, completely unexpected. He had a heart attack at work, we were taken to the hospital and told he didn't make it. We did not see him until the next day he was in a coffin, he was cold, pale, and they had put something in his mouth to fill out his cheeks. My daddy was always so warm, he had a ruddy-red complexion and was missing several back teeth so his cheeks were hollowed in a bit.
I was told I had to be strong for my mama and little brothers. It was so awful, and I convinced myself that wasn't really him. A few years later(when I was 16) my mama died after a very long illness. We had time to say our goodbyes, I had the time to just be able to love her. The experiences were polar opposites, I still had hard decisions to make which coffin, and dress to bury her in. But all I remember is a blue dress it was her favorite. My final memories of her are positive, holding her hand and talking to her. I have finally over many years blocked out the last image of my daddy.
I made sure that my son knows exactly what my final wishes in life, and death are. Also we have set with numerous pets during their final hours, held them, wrapped them up and buried them. He is so much more prepared then I was, I have also told him it's okay to have whatever feelings he has whether it's to cry, get mad or whatever because it's normal to grieve when someone you love is gone.
Carolyn Baker I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through Carolyn. Sending you lots of positive vibes and hugs
@@agutierrez342 Thank you
I'm sorry Carolyn those must of been very tough years of your life.
It shouldn't be up to a 12 year old to be 'strong' for anyone during grief. I beleive we should all have the freedom to express our grief the way we need to.
I lost my dad 2 weeks ago, the first death of an immediate family member I’ve experienced as an adult. Mind you, I'd been to a few viewings before a funeral earlier in my life, and it was traumatizing. I was glad my parents chose cremation.
When my dad passed at hospice at 7:40 in the morning, I rushed up there to be with my mom and some close family, my mom had asked to funeral home to wait until 11 am to give us time. We sat in the room with my dad’s body and talked, cried, laughed and bonded. Looking back it was remarkably healing and made the whole death thing not as scary. So yes, I do recommend if possible.
Being with the body helps to accept that things are over and its the last moments you will have with them. I've done this with a few people in my life. Goodbyes are important.
I
My brothers and I were with our mother in her home when she passed. Unfortunately she did not go quietly into the night because she yelled and thrashed about for over a day. Those sounds and sights haunted me for awhile but I have comfort that she’s no longer in pain. Luckily we five siblings were in agreement as to how to lay her to rest.
Mom died in July 2015 after apparently recovering well from cancer surgery; one day she was fine and the next she was gone, pretty suddenly. I had always been afraid of what would happen to me when she died, as the two of use were very close. Turned out I spent about two or three hours with her after she was gone, talking to her and even hugging her body. "She" was obviously gone, but it was cathartic to sit there with her body and say goodbye. I handled it a lot better than I ever thought I could. It's been tough, I still love and miss her, but I think being with her that last time was so important I agree fully with Caitlin.
Cait is so confidence and at ease now, I remember how nervous she seemed at her Ted talk. She's reached the fullness of her powers!!!
I watched my 95-year-old father take his last breath. It was a beautiful time. I sat and held his hand to keep it warm until my sister arrived. As each family member arrived, they each went and spent beautiful time with my father. I have never seen anything as heart-warming as our last morning with Daddy. It was glorious.
My mom passed four weeks ago tonight after 15 months on Hospice. Her last seven days (between Christmas and the new year, including her 96th birthday on Dec. 26) were filled with more suffering--not only for her but also for her family--than anyone should ever have to endure. The hour or so we spent with her after her last breath was the most simultaneously painful and cathartic of my life. I wouldn't have sacrificed it for anything. I kissed her beautiful face, held her hand and lovingly removed her still-ticking watch and placed it on my own wrist. I only wish we had spent more time...
I was in healthcare my whole life...saw alot of dealth....but seeing my own mother was so different.
Caitlin is a true treasure 💖🙏🏻
my grandmother passed in the hospital on September 20th 2019 and minutes after i hugged her and told her I loved her and gave her a kiss on her forehead and spent about 2 hours with her body with my family
Trisha Biddle I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Grandmother. Sending you hugs.
Trisha, you were so fortunate to be able to do this. I lost my love on the 15th September and didn't have the chance to say goodbye as I wasn't family. May your grandmother rest in peace.
I posted this on one of ask a morticians channel but I wanted to share it here i held my dad kissed him held his hands curled up with him rested my head on his big santa belly I would of normally be frightened but I wasnt and I believe thanks to this incredible mortician
I found your channel years ago and you always made me laugh. My dad passed away on wednesday. I was in such a daze and still am as it was sudden. he died after mowing the lawn he died in his favourite place. My dad wasn't collected for many hours later and I got to spend time with him and I thought of you and your videos and things you have taught me over bodies and it gave me great comfort in understanding the changes in my dad and helped me to not be scared as he did change over the hours and it didn't put me off holding him talking to him. I really want to thank you for making these videos becsuse you have made me laugh in the past and helped me learn more about the process of death and now encounting a sudden death and a body I actually genuinely feel I wasn't scared because of what your videos teach so thank you so much x
When Caitlin Doughty introduced a Death Doula for self care as you're dying, I felt a sense of relief. A calmness about my own death. My husband won't be able to comfort me unless he's given a specific list of do's and don't's. My daughters will be too distraught. The thought of being in control of my own needs (if there's time) sounds lovely. Thank you 😊❤️
Praying for you and your family ❤️
The work Caitlin is doing is so important. We have lost connection and ritual in our society, and just knowing that we legally have these options is the empowerment we all need. Thank you, Caitlin.
It amazed me when a good friend of mine told me she had spent the night after her husband's death sleeping next to him and holding the body, and it took me a while to unpack my own feelings about it. I find this post so valuable.
CharlyRomeo2009 Why is that creepy? Creepy to us....but really it’s just different. That’s not the same thing. It is very normal for some cultures. In fact, some of them live with corpses for an entire year. Might have read that in Caitlin’s book but I can’t remember.
My father passed away on my very first mothers day from esophageal cancer in hospice care in the hospital, we stayed at the hospital all day telling story, holding his hands, and giving hugs even my 7 month old at the time got in on the love and i have a photo of her sitting on his chest playing with his beard other folks think its morbid but i think its precious and this little girl was his pride and joy and actually the last words and movements we saw out of him was him rubbing his grandaughters back and saying "baby". We had just left the hospital and were getting off the ramp on the highway to go home and got the call that my aunt couldnt even tell me she made my fiance tell me that he had waited until his children weren't there to witness him passing, the scream that left my mouth i'll never forget, we dropped our daughter off and raced back so i could help my aunt and so that i could say a final goodbye and give him one last kiss on the cheek. The nurses, oncology, and hospice alike all came in and hugged me and encorage us to take all the time we need and assured me i was strong to return to make sure he got that one last goodbye from his princess. We stayed at my grandmas for hours pinning down the wake and grabbing some personal effects of his to make the night a little more survivable. I still have his pajamas, and work coat which my fiance wears. I am forever greatfull i got to spend that time, i am heartbroken for my mother who lives in florida with her new husband, and dads childhood best friend who was vacationing and left his wife and children in Europe to be there in the end but missed him by 7 and 10 hours, I assured them both that I personally got in his ear and told him "momma and chuck are on there way to see you and to say goodbye" so he knew they would be there to hold the rest of us up.
I was young when my brother passed away so. Idont remember but i remember my mother telling me that they brought him home for a wake the night before the funeral.
Hearing this , i felt a little uneasy with that. I didnt understand. But now i do.
He was put in his cot and family members could spend time with him to say goodbye. And i understand that now. His death was sudden & many didnt get the chance to see, to understand, or properly say goodbye. This gave them the chance.
When my aunt passed away in hospital, the nurses were so kind and let us stay with her for a while afterwards. We held her hand and kissed her forehead and told her we loved her. That time was invaluable.
Caitlin does such important work. I will always be thankful for her videos that help me be less afraid of death and mlre willing to say a proper goodbye to my loved ones
just wow at the conference
Thanks to Caitlin, I have learned I CAN refuse the right to non-homicide autopsy and get a legalized advance written directive for my family or next of kin or chosen designated overseer to refuse autopsy on my body, and that I want to give the option of people to wash, keep my body cool, dress me, sing, remember, mourn, etc, and then to let my body naturally mummify (organs intact) and then to bury me in a DIY eco-friendly wooden coffin in a legalized plot of land that is NOT to be disinterred by any land-developer or pervert. Caitlin, you helped tremendously in that research.
My 2 sisters and I had the most profound experience when our Dad and then Mom passed away. We talked, cried, hugged our parents even after they were dead. It could not have been more loving.
Caitlin Doughty could not be more right. Taking the time to just be there is priceless.
I wish I would have had this video 3 years ago as I sat with my grandmother, while 9 months pregnant. When the thoughts were racing thru my head & the devastation was overwhelming. I would redo that whole day. I hope someone sees this video before they actually need it❤️
You’re an excellent orator
Thank you as a Paramedic I spend a lot of time with grieving families this has helped me in understanding what they going through ans I hope that I can help to support people going through this with the obvious care diligence ans respect that you show daily thank you
My wife just got her angel wing, and after the paramedics left, I had to wait for the mortuary to come and pick her up. I spent the time cleaning her face, it made me feel better about her death.
I sat with my dad while he was dying and for. Couple of hours after
It is transformative and something I didn’t really see my self doing but it really is an honour to be able to be there at the ultimate time of need where your mere presence and touch of a hand gives so much comfort and also allows the grief process to begin
don,t you know that the dead is not conesent of anything?
doretha parks I think he means when he was passing he was providing comfort, and then eventually he passed over.
I agree with you as an only doughter it was a bitter sweet moment that seemed to last forever but once it's over you wonder what just happened then you feel numb it's truly an honor and if I had to do it again I would in a heart beat there's always a soul tie that bines us to them forever 12 17 14 will be 5 years and it feels like yesterday
When my father in law passed away at his home, we kept him at home in a cool room, surrounded by his family. He stayed there for a week until the day of his funeral. No embalming, no nothing. The night before the funeral we lined his coffin with velvet and each put something in with him which was personal. After he was placed in his coffin on the morning of the funeral, we held hands around it and said a prayer and then had a few minutes of complete silence. It was unlike any other process I'd ever experienced and not the way I was used to death being handled but it was actually very peaceful, very bonding and not at all traumatic in the fear of leaving them somewhere unfamiliar. When the time came to say goodbye, it felt right and like it was time. Such an organic, calm process. I'm glad we could do that for him. He was a wonderful man.
Outstanding message! Death is a part of life and that folks are so freaked out about has always seemed odd to me
I remember the memento mori from the Capuchin Crypt: "What you are now, we once were; what we are now, you shall be" - it was on a plaque in front of the skeletons
I sat with my mother for a couple of hours she passed away in her bedroom I wish I had spent more time with her but I did not know you could do this but I am grateful for the 2 hours I had.
Thank you Caitlin for shareing your wisdom with us and thank you for your videos and thank you for your sincerity
As a Death Doula, I love this and am doing my best to advocate for this with my families.
I was holding my brother when he passed. He told me as I held him that he was dying. He died right after he said that. I helped clean him. It was difficult but I am glad I was there.
Brilliant chat. When my father passed in my home under hospice, we were able to perform ritual and it was amazing to give those last expressions of love. He passed while my sister and I had stepped outside for a break. She was really loosing that we ‘were not there’, it and wanted me to ‘play the song’, kept repeating that. I played Helvegan by Wardruna and began singing along while I burned sage. Even though the bather had been by in the afternoon, I still bathed his upper body, brushed his teeth. She helped me brush his hair and we each added a small braid, groomed his beard. We even changed his top sheet to a color that better complimented him. We kissed him and told him how much he was loved. He was perfect and free of pain. Our mother died from Covid during lockdown, and robbed of us her last months and moments the year before. If I hadn’t cared for him the previous four months, I’m not sure if I’d have been so comfortable- but it allowed us to more fully express our grief for him and for her. We didn’t call the funeral home until we were done. They were very gentle and respectful when they came. And our service was beautiful and simple with a huge backdrop of ferny greenery and garland of ferns around him, covered in a faux fur blanket he looked like he’d fallen asleep on a mossy bank along a mountain stream. We played music he loved and told stories of our favorite memories. Afterwards we had a bonfire, drank his favorite whiskey and smoked cigars while more music played. We feasted and sang, laughed and cried. He would have loved it. We traveled home to California to spread our parents ashes in the mountains they loved.
I'm currently sitting at 21 hours with my brother. thank you
I got to be with my mother the night before she died in hospice but when she died the next morning, the rest of the family didn't get to stay very long. I wish I had known this information before! Thanks for what you do Caitlin!
At the Bide a Wee Animal hospital in NY where I had 2 of my cats euthanized, I was allowed to be there at the moment of death where the last thing they felt was my hands stroking them and my voice comforting them. I was then given time alone with them where I could say my last goodbyes. If only we could be allowed to take part in the passing of our fellow human loved ones the same caring way.
Agreed. I was allowed to sit in a rocking chair with my darling tomcat against my chest where I could hold and talk to him as he passed. We should have more time with our recently passed loved ones.
I had this experience with my 17yo cat. It was unexpected but I was able to scratch his ears and let him smell me as he passed and I was given the room for as long as I needed. It felt like I was in there with him for an hour but it might have only been twenty minutes. Walking out of that building without him is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but I can't imagine how much more difficult it would have been if I hadn't been given that time and privacy.
I got to do this with my dear Bub the cat. I am so grateful but it still makes me teary thinking about her even 13 years later.
I am glad when my friend died I was with him right before he died. I put life in its place. I was able to say goodbye. Caitlin you are so right.
So important to honor the wishes of decedents and their families. We were able to honor my daddy’s wish of cremation, which honestly, made it so much easier for us, because we knew that’s what he wanted. Death plans are so important, whether formal or verbal (as in my daddy’s case). Thank you for being an End-Of-Life advocate, Caitlin.
You are spot on. I stayed with my mom until they came for. I was not allowed to be present while the bagged her and wheeled her out. But I was okay with that. I was a physical and emotional mess when she died
Same here. I was a wreck too, even though mine had been ill for years. I redressed her and brushed her hair and kissed her and promised I would take care of everyone. It was valuable time.
Caitlin is a wonderful speaker. As a hospice nurse I'm "comfortable" in dealing with death but her videos are so helpful in understanding the many different aspects of the death process.
This is so true. I regret not spending that special time with my mum... I did manage to have some time with my daughter who dies shortly after birth and am so grateful that this was encouraged. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with so many people.
Sitting with my father for 45 mins after he passed helped me in so many ways!!! Little did I know I was a pioneer... I recommend this for everyone.
I completely disagree. I'd much rather remember my loved-ones as they were, rather than as an empty shell.
celia why do you spam the same comment over and over again? Why not make one big comment? It seems more attention seeking than anything.
@@MissLilyputt I wonder why YOU didnt follow your own advice, and kept repplying to me... Hummm...
I am really glad to see you addressing this. I was a Registered Nurse for many years before I became disabled. I myself have been comfortable with death since my grandmother's death when I was 7 because of my Catholic faith. Unfortunately in spite of trying to encourage loved ones to spend time before and after death I have found so many in our culture SO uncomfortable with the whole thing. Death can you be as beautiful as life can possibly get but we don't tend to treat it that way. I am so greatfull that part of my calling in life allowed me to share such a beautiful moment with so many patients during my career. It is a privilege to be involved in such an intimate event in a person's life. Keep up the good work. Hopefully we change the way our society looks at death as something to be avoided, especially since that isn't really an option.
Death is a part of life. That's just a fact.
Wonderful to hear her say this. I Need to have my family hear it. I do feel that it is a “need” situation. We need to do this with our families before they die and be there for them in this way after they pass. Part of the reason you feel so bereft and almost kicked out on the street after someone passes in a hospital situation is that we don’t get to come to terms with what has happened whilst spending those last hours with our loved ones physically body. We go home. Without them. The time to really be there is at that time. And who’s to say that their spirit isn’t in the room with us. Right beside us also coming to terms with the fact that they are gone from the physical world. And we walk away from them the minute their heart stops. Thank you for opening my eyes Caitlin. I look back at what I missed with my grandparents and truly feel the loss once again.
Is this the Lisa Newman I went to school with in Tucson Arizona?
I was in such shock when my Mother passed away, and I was pushed away by my narccistic sister, and I now regret it. I should have insisted on time alone with her body. I encourage anyone who has the opportunity to please listen to Caitlyn, and spend time with your loved one (if you can) otherwise you may regret it.
What Caitlin says is so true. I lost both of my younger brothers in two accidents. Car and motorbike. But I was not allowed to see their bodies after they died. It would have helped. Especially the first time. I kept thinking I saw him. On station platforms, on the street . .
This is a good way to say goodbye 😢.
Oh my god the comments. I have never felt the loss of others to such a level.
I am so sorry everyone!!
When my nanna died many years ago in her nursing home, my parents, aunt and I were there with her. I stayed with my nanna in her room when she had passed away. It was very surreal I guess u could say. I also didn't feel right leaving her there on her bed alone. I never left her side once till the ambulance came to pick up her body. I held her hand. I'll never forget how ice cold her hand was. That was the 1st time I had seen a dead body in real life
I stayed with my grandmother and it was the most beautiful and comforting thing I have ever done
Same
Just a few months ago my father died in his own bed just as he wanted. The family was at the house despite the fact it was 3am . This is so true those of us who wanted hugs and kisses did so . I was able to close his eyes and it was a wonderful time for all of us. For myself and one of my sisters it was a great healing experience that made the funeral much easier to deal with
When my mother died I was spent, wore out, physically and mentally.
I am glad I was able to hold her hand as she passed but once she was gone I just didn't have any interest in hanging arround her mortal husk anymore.
That wasn't her.
The tent she had inhabited had failed and she had moved on.
My father did spend some time with her, tidied her up a bit.
The nurses were great about letting him have all the time he needed.
That surprised me becase the doctors had been all up our asses about unplugging her sooner.
It was like they had plans for the room personally and we were ruining them becase we didn't pull life support fast enough.
If this helps some people great.
I just don't see it being helpful to me personally.
My big regret is I did not get to be a pallbearer.
That was the last practical thing I could have done for her and I didn't get to do it.
I really wish the driver of the funeral car had come and got me instead of just grabbing whoever was handy the moment they wanted her out of the hearse.
If we lived in another state there would not even have been a hearse but IL is one of the states where a funeral home has to do pretty much everything.
They really have the whole thing locked up tight.
Whatever payoff they made must have been worth it.
I was at my mother’s side when she passed away and, looking back at it, I’m happy I was able to be there. Seeing the process of her passing away & knowing she was at peace was extremely important and definitely provided closure for me.
When my father passed away, it was during the pandemic and, living in another city, I was unable to be there with him. To this day, it upsets me that I wasn’t able to be at his side and - 8 months later - I still don’t feel closure.
I lost my old dog and my grandma in one week. When my dad and I found out our old dog passed away, peacefully at home, we kept her body in the home for a while before burying her. Before we laid her to rest, I lit candles, burned sage and placed a lily on my dogs body. Two days later, my grandma passed away. When I given the opportunity to see my grandmas body before closing the casket, I knew what I was getting myself into. When I saw her body laying in the casket, i realized that, to me, it wasn’t my grandma anymore. It was just a body, which was exactly what I thought when I woke up and found out my old dog passed away. With seeing and spending time with my dog and my grandmas bodies it helped me realized how well I’ve had it. I was blessed to have a smart, protective and loyal dog and I was blessed to have a grandma who was open minded, intelligent, and loving! I personally believe that one day I will reunite with them. In the meantime, I just want to live my life to the fullest.
I just took care of a life long friend till she passed and her husband, mother and I spent time with her after she passed at home. A Hospice nurse a helped me wash her and dress her, after we were done she looked beautiful and 20yrs.and younger and no more pain. Death is a process and I'm a true believer that the soul leaves before the body gives all the way, I've seen it for myself more the once. P.S. God Bless Hospice workers.
Caitlin, I’ve been watching you for a time and have to say you really helped me when my mom died. She was buried in a traditional Jewish casket and it was beautiful..I wouldn’t have understood that if it wasn’t for you...thanks
We were with my Dad for a good while as and after he passed. It was, indeed, wonderful. Lot's of storytelling, laughing, and remembering...It was actually a very calm, happy time.
He passed in a VA hospital, yet they did allow us the time we needed, and wanted, to spend the time we all needed.
Watching my mother-in law die of lung cancer was traumatic for us. But the nuns at the catholic hospice gave her love and dignity. And they gently prepared us too..We lived several hours away .we were not there when she passed.the sisters called us as soon as she passed..We got to hold and kiss her goodbye in private… till we were ready to let go…so we did not feel as though death stole her away abruptly.. it just felt so peaceful and…ok,…no more pain for Julia only peace.
I've been a fan of her channel since it started. I just enjoyed the morbid and macabre. But then when my mother was diagnose with a terminal illness and I had to take over her physical care for the last year of her life her videos became a godsend! It helped me understands the process I was going to experience at the end.
She has changed my perspective of mortality and death sooo much. Live her videos!
As usual, this is a very thoughtful and helpful perspective from this wonderful woman. For me, once the body is dead, there is nothing there; the spirit has moved on. I have had the experience, more than once, with the dearest people in my life, so I’m not just talking. I don’t know that I could see it differently for myself.
Possibly the most tenderhearted of your videos I have seen so far dealing, as you do, with the feelings and the needs of the inner person at the crucial time.
god i love Caitlin
so well spoken and she really puts things into perspective with just the right amount of light heartedness
This is something I have never experienced with my family, or even my pets growing up ( my parents found it inappropriate to expose me to euthanasia) and it kills me not to have seen my grandpa after death but rather when he didn’t recognize many of our family. This is an emotional experience that I would find very maturing and not enough people get to experience it
Yes I spent time with my beautiful mother who passed away in hospital
and I put my head on the pillow with her and held her hand
I wanted to spend as long as possible with her
it was very special
I still miss her so much
She was my best friend
Being there when they die.My Nana I felt her above me she left me with a feeling of she was content and comforted me for few seconds that felt a lot longer.And It was real and powerful.
I Love this Woman !
It will never stop being saddened and angered that my family was denied this opportunity by the coroners when we lost my brother.
It is something that I know I needed and I can’t get back. I don’t fully understand why it happened and I know it greatly impacted my healing process.
I grew up in Lancaster County in PA. There were alot of Amish, Mennonite and Plain People ( horse and buggy). Our housekeeper was Old Order Mennonite. They lived very plain simple lives. When someone died, they would have a cabinet maker, make a coffin( the coffin was muslin lined and very minimal makup used. They were embalmed ( state law) , the deceased person was brought to the late residence after preparation. The family would sit with the deceased all night taking turns for the wake. In the morning a house church service was held. Then the undertaker would bring the horse drawn hearse to the house load the coffin and drive to the cemetery. They also had a big meal served at the late residence for family/ freiends, usually served in seated shifts. I went to a few such services. My partner had health issues about 1 1/2 years before he passed away in the hospital (2010) due to multiple issues. I would sit with him, feed him ice and talk to him, when I wasn't home or working. I stayed in the hospital in his room the night before he died. I now wish I would have helped prep him( worked in a nursing home before I met him) to go to the morgue and later at the crematory to watch the cremation. I think I was so overtaken with the loss, but now wished I had done more. I think it is GREAT and a WONDERFUL thing to do, if you can pursue that end. He was buried at Cape May Beach, which we used to walk along when we lived in New Jersey. I'm glad I did what I could for him. I think we have gotten away from being close[r] to dying and death than we used to be.....It has become so "sanitized" by the funeral industry. We were together 25 years. I plan to have a tree planted in his memory next spring 2020.
Lived in Ellizabethtown PA near Hershy/also in NJ ....worked as a NA/RA ... I understand.
I believe you did what ..at the time...was the thing to do....I totally believe...we 'all' have
the right to die ..in peace...with our family taking care of the body...viewing in a family members home...( like my grandmother did ) ,,,Why/How did this all change ?? for others to once again ..make $$$$$$$$$$$$$ off of those who are grieving..???? : ( sad no control of 'our lives ..living or dead........
Beautiful post, brother...I am so sorry you lost your partner :(. You were a loving partner/husband
As I listened to Caitlin speak I felt that I totally honored my parents by doing exactly that. Spending time with them. Not an easy task, I may add; but I appreciated those moments. I'm glad our farewell was intimate, personal, serene, quiet with space to feel.
My granny died in a nursing home and being able to touch her dead body helped me realize that she is really gone.
So very important. My greatest wish was to be able to see my brothers after they had died. (Both younger than me; two accidents.)
My parents believed that it would cause me more grief, but they were wrong.
My dad died a few weeks ago. I didn't actually see him die, never saw his dead body, and I'm glad I didn't. It was bad enough seeing him in the condition that he was in. Spent lots of time with him before and during his illness and in hospice care. Wanted to only see him when there was life in him. He donated his body to science and we will get his ashes sent to us. We didn't do a funeral (he didn't want one, and neither did we.) Saved us a lot of money and made it easier to move on. I never said goodbye to my dad, and I never will.
Absolutely adore her! I went to one of her book signings and learned a lot.
Hugs and love to you.
Same
Thank you for posting this. My mom died at year ago at home and it was an expected death. She passed at 4:10AM. I was with her. I am glad it took hours for the funeral people to show up. I loved being able to be with her and cry and talk to her and just let one thing end and another thing start with some interim between them.
Sometimes keeping it simple and on the shorter side is all you need. When you take care of someone like I did and they pass, then you are like a car going 60 mph that brakes to zero in a very quick time. You go from having lots to do to having very little to do. You need a gap between what was and what is to come next.
The person I loved died recently and I never had the chance, because I wasn't family to see his body and to grieve his loss. I still cannot get over the pain of not seeing him and saying goodbye properly. I had viewed my Mother and Father and doing this helped the process of grieving due to the peacefulness I felt and observed.
Fantastic videos as always Caitlyn, I am 55 and After watching you for a number of years i have decided and made plans for,,,,,,wait for it,,,,,, dahhdahhh A proper Green Burial, lying within a willow box. Its in a protected large woodland area with a lot of indiginous wildlife and fauna, I live in Plymouth, England UK, Surrounded by Dartmoor and its an area within Dartmoor where i will do my bit for the planet lol, Thank you for your fun facts surrounding all aspects of Death, Long may you continue xx
shapumawildcat , Hello , I live most of my time between Dartmoor and Exmoor and have donated any part of my body which isn't too knackered to help the living , whatever is left will be buried on Dartmoor SO we may meet one dark gloomy night AND SCARE EACH OTHER ALIVE INSTEAD OF SCARING EACH OTHER TO DEATH .
Oh ! By the way. .I am almost 70yrs old so in all probability I shall beat you to it , do you think the ' Big Black Panther ' like creature will get a meal from my leftovers ? Or the ghost of a French prisoner of War scare me alive ? I often feel so sad thinking about those pathetic little gravestones with just a number on them and the Hell they endured in such a cold desolate place like Dartmoor which is still operating as a Prison . 😱😱😱
@@tempusfugit7127 Hello after reading about what you plan to do I felt the need to contact you,
I live in Devon but spent as much time as possible in Cornwall were we have a small plot of land,I can't tell you where for obvious reasons, but it's rural and primal and so peaceful,close to ancient settlements and cairns it's so beautiful.During the summer three generations of my family enjoy it,I am not well but enjoy as much time in nature as possible.
I will be buried in a shroud with a cairn & a bench near by so my loved ones can come &talk to me and enjoy a fabulous view. There will be no undertakers or vicar,Just my family &friends food &drinks a bonfire ,music and no doubt some tales.
When my sunsets ⚰🌅🥂🌲🌳
@@lindacollman9278 ❤️Be well. I send you lots of love.
I watched my mother take her last breath March 23,2019! As she passed I reached up to heaven and told her goodbye I will never forget that experience oh I miss her everyday and forever.😪
I know I'm a stranger, but I'm sorry for your loss. My dad is dying with DLB, but we don't know when.
First, this is my own personal take on this, and I realize everyone has their own feelings and beliefs. I’ve experienced two dead bodies of loved ones. First was my grandma. When I saw her lying in her coffin, I deeply felt like she wasn’t there. I’m not a religious person, but I recognized she was gone. What was in the coffin was a shell of her. Second was my heart dog who I lost almost 2 years ago. I was with her while she received the injection that stopped her heart. It was devastating. I still shed tears over it. She was my child. However, once the vet pronounced her dead, I had the exact same feeling as my grandma. She was gone. Where I don’t know, but I did tell her in my private time right before I lost her was that we’d see each other again. The vet told me I could stay with her body as long as I needed to, but I literally felt she as I knew her was gone. Her energy was gone. She was a shell. I had no urge or desire to spend time with her body.
you have plenty of sense
My mom did die in the hospice. We spent the hours before with her, we held her hand as she died, and we stayed with her after. I held her hand and we took turns telling stories about her. I hugged her and cried. When i left i touched her and she was cold and starting to stiffen. I am thankful for these hours. Im so thankful for Caitlyn and her videos, becuase i never knew i needed this time before.
I am so thankful for the funeral home driver who came to get my mom. He noticed a picture we had of my mom and her grandson. He asked if he could take it, and he tucked it under her arm and she was cremated with it
When our Dad died 10 years ago, he was sitting in his recliner with his coffee cup still in his hand. We had him for about 3 hours alone. As many family members possible came into Dad's living room to say goodbye. He just looked sound asleep and comfortable. He was still warm and we all hugged and kissed him all morning. The little children were just playing with Hot Wheels and other toys they had right in front of my Dad's chair. Kinda sweet to see how they accepted their Grampa's death so innocently. It seemed so unreal but we were all crying yet feeling so blessed to have those precious few hours alone with him. The worst part was when the mortuary came to pick him up. That was the real moment of truth for all of us. That was when our fears began. That was when we watched him being zipped up in a body bag. And that's when our suffering began. Thank you Caitlin. You are the best. P.S. Our Mother died suddenly last week. We were with her as she took her last breath. Goodbye to a beautiful time of our lives. They are now resting together forever. 😢❤❤
SO identify with topic at min. 7.00. When my Gma passed I felt so put-upon to "perform" for my relatives- it truly makes zero sense. One of the worst times of my life and I have to react to "I'm sorry for your loss" a hundred times, host what is essentially a party/family gathering, and be a part of a public speaking event. We have gotten so far away from experiencing death meaningfully. Caitlin-thank you so much for continuing to bring this issue forward. Really enjoyed your first book and still keeping up w/your channel.
When my dad passed, I had the chance to see him after his death and say the things I’ve always wanted to tell him, say goodbye; tell him that I loved him.
But out of sheer fear, I couldn’t. And didn’t.
It’s been 6 years and I regret it everyday. And most likely will till I die.
For me holding my loved in the moments passed was healing.
i took care of my grandmother a whole year before she passed on and when she finally left this world, it was peaceful. she gasped a few times and then her life came to an end. I felt sad of course, I cried of course but every now and then I remember all the good memories and i'm able to smile.
I had an hour with my mum, was cathartic, made my peace told her i loved her im grateful i got the chance
Such a beautiful truth!! Thank you for sharing this with us all!!!
I love how you share this wonderful information with us that we would not otherwise have known. I've enjoyed your videos so much! I appreciate all that you give to us, the average person would not know these type of things except that we're blessed enough to have this information from you.
You rock.
I am so ashamed that I was too scared to see my father before he was cremated. This wonderful woman has given me peace with my own death.
When my friends daughter died I put my hand on hers at the wake and she felt cold and wrong, not the sweet girl I watched grow up.
I did both. I was with mom when she passed. I was in her bed with her at my home . People in the house but I was allowed to be alone with her at the moment of her death. I did stay with her for some time before the undertaker came . It was an amazingly intimate experience. She never stopped giving to me even in death. Love you mom. Miss you.
Maybe not exactly to the point but I spent time with each of my parents immediately after their death. The hospital left me alone with my father in the room where he died. I said prayers over my mother’s body after her death. This was a long time ago so I don’t know what happens now. In any case both had traditional funerals but I was able to be with both of them before they were taken to the mortuary. Even during the calling hours I made sure I was there alone each time.
It is a little strange to me at a wake when everyone is gathered around like at cocktail party with the “guest of honor” lying there half noticed, half ignored. Yet, good things do come from these gatherings 💕
@CharlyRomeo2009 Why would you criticize the efforts of a person to grieve and remember their Loved ones?!? Ohhhh you must be one of those snarky, creepy internet peeps who think their negative opinions of the thoughts and feelings of others are somehow relevant. Would it be so hard to raise Daniel Scuiry up and praise them for trying to deal with the deaths of their Loved ones? Would that have increased your value as a human being? No it wouldn't have been difficult. And yes it would have. You are as irrelevant as your hateful, snarky opinions. Hopefully you piss every person in your life and world off and there are no mourners to mourn your passing when you go, and you end up in a barely marked paupers grave. Hopefully anybody WILLING to acknowledge you existed throw a party because you are finally, completely out of their hair and gone. Because that's the sort of disdain hateful comments like yours earn. Karma, shes always a bitch.
Thank you Caitlin for being you, for caring about death and grieving, and the good death. I have been present, fully present, at the deaths of my grandfather, my mother of bladder cancer, and my sister of inflammatory breast cancer, and was so grateful for the experiences. I have also experienced a loved one's suicide and the death of a brother from complications of alcoholism. It was when I held my golden retriever in my arms at the moment of feeling her life leave her body that I fully understood how privileged I've been to be present at the moments when life flies. I love your videos--so wonderfully "irreverent"--and at times I cry spontaneously but am always grateful for the opportunity to feel so deeply, to remember what it felt like and to feel the losses again--grieving is and ongoing process of both sorrow and joy. Thank you for being you. (Big hug emoji!)
This is going to sound morbid but I'm glad I was able to see my dad directly after he died because he was a pretty big guy, not to mention some swelling for the past year due to organ problems.
In the casket, his chest and belly were completely flat and he looked about 20 years younger than he was... younger than I ever remembered him to be.
Seeing his unembalmed body felt more normal than the latter