Effective Strategies: How to Respond to False Accusations
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- Опубликовано: 1 июн 2024
- #accusations #oldparents #aging In this video, Dr. Leslie Kernisan, an expert in helping older parents with memory loss, and Linda Fodrini Johnson, a certified geriatric care manager, tackle a common issue faced by many caregivers. They address the challenge of responding to false accusations made by older adults, particularly those experiencing memory loss or thinking problems. The discussion covers various scenarios, such as accusations of theft or infidelity, and provides practical strategies to handle these situations with empathy and understanding.
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The video emphasizes the importance of considering the underlying causes of these accusations, such as changes in the brain and self-esteem issues. It offers insights into effective responses that focus on reassurance, redirection, and meeting emotional needs. If you're seeking guidance on managing false accusations, this video provides valuable tips and techniques for creating a supportive environment for your loved ones.
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Video Chapters:
00:00 How to Respond to Common Accusations by Parent with Dementia or Memory Loss
01:47 Example Response: Accuses Family Members of Taking Money
05:55 What to Do: Older Parent Accuses Spouse of Infidelity
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Choose any playlist to watch: / betterhealthwhileaging . Especially take a look at the following:
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Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH, is a practicing geriatrician and the founder of the popular aging health website and podcast BetterHealthWhileAging.net, which she created to help families and older adults learn better ways to manage aging health challenges. Additionally, she is a Clinical Instructor in the Division of Geriatrics at UCSF.
Dr. K and her team of expert geriatric care managers currently provide ongoing support and guidance to families dealing with memory loss and Alzheimer’s through her latest online course, Helping Older Parents with Memory Loss.
betterhealthwhileaging.net/ed...
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Dr. Kernisan's website, podcast, and RUclips channel all provide easy-to-follow instructions on how to deal with common health issues that affect the elderly.
Disclaimer: The material on the Better Health While Aging RUclips channel, including any exchanges in the comments section, is for informational and educational purposes only. Any comments Dr. Kernisan may make regarding an individual’s story or comments should not be construed as establishing a physician-patient relationship between Dr. Kernisan and a caregiver, or care recipient. None of Dr. Kernisan’s website, social media, comments, or group information should be considered a substitute for individualized medical assessment, diagnosis, or treatment. Please see the full disclaimer for more information: betterhealthwhileaging.net/di... 
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Both my parents memory were strong until the end.
This is very painful for everyone. Very good video, and thank you.
Not knowing any better, I made all the mistakes with my mother 20 years ago when she started accusing people of things. I learned that you shouldn't try to reason with them or talk them out of it. Instead, I learned that you should sympathize and promise to get the situation handled for them, just like they did in the role play in the video.
Never remarried over 50years ago and am so glad! I am mellowing as I age and love it. If I was having to take care of some spoiled brat plus myself, this would not be happening. (Please now address how the medical profession gaslights elderly women - especially single ones!)
I always say, " mom, dad is in worse shape than you. He doesn't have the time or energy to be cheating on you "
I'm 82. 22 years age, after reading all I could about Selgin, I read a paper that recomended beginning at 50 with 5gm in morning and 5 more at noon. I just added 10 mg to the four morning Durgs I take for BP, cholesterol et al.. I recently found myself standing next to a guy who owned a pharmaceutical company in New Jersey. I asked him what he knew about Selgin and he said "A lot". I told him what I did and he said it was either the best or wisest thing I ever did. At 82 I feel great. What say you>
cholesterol drugs can have horrible side effects especially memory problems.
Thank you for talking about dementia and how to talk to or respond to a parent who accuses you of something. In my case, it was my father who accused me of taking his pick axe and not returning it. Now, he was correct except that he told me that he didn't need it and I could keep it (I think about a year earlier). It pretty much shocked me. Mom, by then, had full blown AD. This was the first sign I had that his mind was going as well.
From the time I was a small child, I learned about dementia. Back then(in the '60s), they called it "hardening of the arteries". We would go visit my grandfathers who, one after the other, developed dementia. We saw it in all of it's phases. My parents were the most unusual because they both got it and were in full dementia at the same time. It was common for us children to be with them and mom would turn to dad and ask, "and who are you?". Over the years they were moved from home to assisted living, then the nursing home. Soon after they moved into the nursing home together, I started getting calls from dad. He would often want to know who was in his room with him. One call was longer, with dad calling and believing that I'd called him. He wanted to know how I'd found him. I asked where he was. In his mind, he was in a motel room, cheating on my mother. At one point, I asked if he would give the phone to mom. He did. Mom also thought that she was cheating on dad. Yet, when I asked about "mom" or "dad" both seemed to know who I meant.
Dad died first. Mom was put into a locked ward where she found another soulmate - something that she would never have entertained without the AD.
😅😅😅
My mom, with dementia and a covert narcissist, falsely accused me of hurting her. She triangulated all my siblings against me, 5 brothers and a sister.
My vengeful siblings felt entitled to physically and verbally attack me. I suffered a heart attack, a torn rotator cuff, and lost 3 teeth. None of them considered ASKING me what happened.
That's the worse thing I've heard in a while. I'm sorry to hear that.
@@Misana thank you. That's what happened to me as an adult. What happened to me in my childhood with her was 100 times worse.
I can really identify with the aging narcissist problem. If your parent was already mentally-disturbed it isn't going to get better in old age. My mother shattered our family with triangulation and using people as emotional supply long before now. As the only person who stuck with her, I get accused of everything there is.
@@ninecatsmagee8384 did you stick with her because she was the most powerful and to evade being a target? Be honest with yourself
It's time for you to permanently disconnect from your siblings. This type of behavior won't change. You can only heal after you're out of that kind of toxic situation.
When my mother's dementia had her saying these kinds of things, we also used a technique to distract her from her statement, by changing the subject and focusing on what she might want to do, as you would a child you loved. When it was time for her to move from my sister's home to a Memory Care Center, we told her that the wonderful condo she and my dad had discussed was finally available. Meanwhile, my sister moved all her things into her new room.
I took care of my mom. It took a while to realize she thought there were 2 of me. So when she was accusatory, mean, suspicious it's because she thought I was the"other" Sharon.
When she thought it was the real me, she didn't behave that way.
In her more lucid times, she told me that she realized it made no sense to think there was 2 of me. But she couldn't help it when the dementia kicked in.
I was careful when she told me things about other people, like a nurse or aid.Just because they have dementia doesn't mean they aren't telling the truth. You have to figure it out so that you can protect them from possible abuse.
Love your channel. As patient advocates for those suffering with CNS diseases, (i.e. Adhesive Arachnoiditis etc), we have observed a direct correlation between patients that have a long history of pharmaceutical intake and those that were not subjected to a life bombard with abusive prescription treatments such as with routine antibiotics for everything their physicians couldn’t properly diagnose. Those that report lifelong prescription drug intake often report greater pain symptoms than those who didn’t. So much so we have coined the phrase “Accumulated Pharmacologic Toxicity” ( APT ) to not only explain these observational differences, but their resistance to effective treatments. We would love to see your perspective on this topic.
Thank you. 🙏🙏
My grandmother thought our house was being attacked by bears. It wasn’t dementia, it was that her kidneys were not functioning and she needed immediate aid. Be sure to get your loved one a thorough physical checkup. And, yes, work with them on their problem. Never say it didn’t happen. To them, it did happen.
My mother’s doctor prescribed her 25 mg of amitriptiline to help her sleep. After a month, he doubled the strength. We didn’t see it at first, but now I realize that it takes some time to get into the system. Long story short, by the time we figured it out, she had fallen a couple of times and she literally lost two months of her life that she has no memory of. It’s frightening. This started the end of August and just recently she has been able to think for herself.
I wish you could advise people who they live by themselves and at early age of 60 _70 to prevent and do something about it .Thank you
What if dementia causes someone to want to cheat, like they have inappropriate sexual urges and such? How could the well spouse deal with that?
Dementia can certainly disinhibit someone, which can lead to sexual behavior that might be considered "inappropriate". There is info on how to deal with this here: betterhealthwhileaging.net/navigating-sex-when-caregiving-or-dementia/
@@BetterHealthWhileAging Thanks
@@BetterHealthWhileAging
That husband is a sick selfish person for getting a new relationshp and cheating on his wife of 42 years like that. Reading that he did that made me feel sick to my stomach.
Even if he was helping to care for his wife and visit her, that doesn't at all make up for how he was violating their marriage.
@@BetterHealthWhileAging Linda is also a selfish piece of trash pursuing a married man. This situation made me really angry to read about.
The married couple had 42 years of marriage, 4 kids, and a lifetime of memories but he couldn't even be faithful to his wife during the last part of her life and had to go get a girlfriend.
@@wendydomino I try not to judge. Caring for a spouse with dementia is often a very long difficult journey that lasts for years. What is most important is that David continued to visit Grace and provided her with love and affection, while overseeing her care. Grace was not harmed by David's outside relationship and probably benefitted from it, as it helped sustain him during his caregiving journey. (A burned out spousal caregiver often cannot do a good job supporting their spouse's care needs.) However, I can see why some people would object to what David did.
I believe from my mother's behaviour since she had psychotic episodes due to Covid that trying to reason with a parent who's lost a sense of reality is pointless. Don't personalise any of it. Avoid it if you can. Change the subject. Nothing is hitting bottom. Has nothing to do with self-esteem in this case. And it can become manic in which case medication is a better answer. The less said the better and these "feelings" often aren't real. They simply indicate a true decline in cognitive ability. Too late for counselling as these ladies are assuming would work.
Very true that trying to reorient to reality usually doesn't work. The person making accusations needs empathy rather than explanations. The person receiving the accusations also needs empathy (it's very stressful to have someone accusing you of things) but needs to get it from others...a support group can be very good for this.
Is methotrexate an anticholigenic?
What do you do when my mother's GP and other doctors say memory loss is normal at their age, when you know something has changed them substantially? Maybe it was covid, a stroke or Benedryl?
That's a tough situation but unfortunately quite common. You need to ask more questions and advocate for more evaluation...ideally while remaining diplomatic and maintaining the relationship with the providers. Not easy when you already have so many concerns! I cover how to do this and how to get around common pitfalls in my book, When Your Aging Parent Needs Help www.amazon.com/Aging-Parent-Needs-Step-Step/dp/173615320X.
@@BetterHealthWhileAging I would add that you might want to seriously consider whether the doc is the right fit for your parent. When my sister took over managing my mom's care, my sister fired the incompetent doctors who were taking advantage of the situation and found a new doctor who actually cared about helping.
Reading this months after your post. Working as a nurse and watching my grandfather age taught me to think outside of the box especially in regards to blanket statements about dementia and Alzheimers. Ruling out other possible causes is what a physician is taught to do when unable to definitely define disorders or illness. Dementia in geriatrics could be due to several common reasons and may be acute or temporary to some degree. Urinary tract infections are at the top of the list. Inadequate fluid intake, diuretics and inadequate peritoneal hygiene added to intermittent urinary incontinence is the 1st place to check.
If Urinalysis is positive it is imperative to have a Culture & Sensitivity done to ID the organism and to ID the antibiotics that are effective in this patient for that organism. If a broad spectrum ABT is given instead it will be a guessing game often ending in C-Diff and ABT immunity by using too many ABTs switching one to another when the C&S culture will require only 2 ABTs usually. Until the C&S comes back a broad spectrum ABT is used 2-3 days only, then changing to the ABT the culture finds is effective for this patient and their pathogen.
Secondly, a medication reconciliation. Review each medication start date dose indication then look for any medication or allergic contradictions. Then look at the side effects of each med alone and with others combined. Polypharmacia is 9 or more meds daily to be avoided long term it is a red flag when assessing a care facility senior for falls or cognitive impairment.
Thirdly, ruling out Parkinson's like neuro disorders; strokes, head injuries, recent life changing events/loss ie family friend death illness, loss of home/independence, deprivation of time date place information, no clock, calendar traveling in neighborhood leads to disorientation esp in this digital age where cellphones tell us all of this.
Fourth, Cardiovascular work up to measure arterial and venous vessel possible narrowing, rhythm. Checking especially for narrowing of vessels to brain. This is quite common and stents and other interventions may clear up brain fog. Always a doc should check for electrolyte imbalances as well as glucose and thyroid levels. A complete workup.
I cannot tell you how many times a patient had "dementia with UKO" ,unknown origin, then adding insult to injury without further investigation, they would be on Alzheimer's meds and anti psychotics and sedatives. These meds unwarranted are overprescribed mainly Alz meds. They come with serious side affects of loss of appetite dizziness, diarrhea. Never take someone's word for important diagnosis of anyone or anything. Ask for proof and be proactive. When patients are in a retirement facility they rely greatly on observations, reports and recommendations of caregivers and nurses report to MD. Outside of that arena you are their nurse/healthcare advocate. Educate yourself. Buy a nursing level medication guide. Take some courses on caregiving and geriatric care. Memory loss can be minimized by staying active getting outside walking not sitting in front of tv. Limit or eliminate processed foods. Continue with social life at church or garden, book, sewing clubs, music and dancing, swimming, biking. .
Contact area dept of aging for local centers that can give you ideas and options. If we, as in all living things are static, without motion we are in inertia and that leads to stagnation and deterioration. Bless you and yours in your journey, Peace
@@irismckay6472 thank you, we will continue to
@@BetterHealthWhileAging thank you for your guidance and educating us all more💕
Dr. Kernisan, could you make a video about schizophrenia?
From anyone, for that matter .. Don't treat older people like idiots
Tough job but common. Join an organisation like retirement club or similar type that has meetings and activities that you can enjoy by yourself in a fun sharing way be it mixed or not. Good luck and try to enjoy your own life and interests and activities. Love yourself -.with Love. K
Did I miss something? I didn't hear any strategies better than "I didn't do it."
Offering solutions to the person
My elderly father is convinced that I am a prostitute. I work in healthcare on the evening shift and have been doing that most of my adult life. I'm happily married and have been for over 25 years. I find his comments very hurtful even though I know that they are not true. He hasn't been diagnosed with dementia. Sadly, this is one of the reasons I have had to limit contact with him.
Parkinson’s voice project 11/23/2023
Or maybe it is was true. Stop playing GOMER. When a GP gets accused of disrespect, it is true.
Hi, for 15 years, I have been married to a chronic womanizer. He is 20 years older than I am, he's now 80 and I'm 60. He's not diagnosed with dementia, but shows the symptoms and has become increasingly difficult to get along with unless he gets his own way. Our relationship is stable for most of the time, as long as I give in to him. But it is especially humiliating for me to go through any kind of social situation which includes other women. He will gravitate to one younger woman in the room, to chat and gossip with. He will be extremely charming and attentive to her, all designed to make me jealous -- it's a cruel mind game he plays, to bolster his ego with the opposite sex and at the same time, to inflict a punishing emotional blow to me, because as his wife, I represent the obstacle to his playboy desires. We almost never socialize anymore, but in a few weeks, we'll be attending a reunion. I have no emotional support at these meetings. Everyone always sides with him because of his age. I am not a robot. I have feelings and it is not workable to say that his needs are the priority. I don't want to leave him but life with him is really challenging at these social events. I love socializing, but not with him. I feel much happier going off by myself, for walks, meeting new people alone, and then meeting up with him once we've both spent time apart. My sanity is equally important and as I age, I will do what I can to manage my own mental health needs without sacrificing myself to my husband's.
Where does the false accusation come in? His history of womanizing has set the scene for the present issues. He knows he is making me unhappy when he heavily flirts, and he manipulates the situation by telling these other women that I'm unreasonably jealous, clingy, insecure, and that I have a fear of abandonment.
Hi there Dr. Kernisan, I really like your content; it's on point and very informative👏 🤍. Do you have a biz' mail and are you open for feedback? I just want to share my thoughts regarding on your videos if that's okay with you.