Before You Get Married, You Should Know This
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- Опубликовано: 7 фев 2025
- Imagine if, for some reason, it was suddenly possible to know everything about anyone.We’re talking about all the most embarrassing things you’d rather keep hidden.
In considering this, the first thing that stood out to me is that if this happened, it would be virtually impossible for any of us to get a first date. Which is interesting, because whenever we’re constructing a profile for something like a dating website, we’re doing our best to portray ourselves in as positive a depiction as possible. We neglect all of our shortcomings, if we’re even aware of them at all, and amplify all of our best traits.
But in my imaginary world, your profile would be filled with pictures of you first thing in the morning and descriptions of you on your worst days.
There are a lot of takeaways from this imagined scenario that I could spend time on but I want to use it to focus in on just one which is that it reveals how deliberate we are in casting ourselves in the best possible light and how seemingly necessary this is for us to initiate new relationships.
It underscores, that in the real world, where we can keep that stuff hidden to a point, we will eventually, disappoint each other.
Almost every relationship starts off based on the perception and acceptance of these incomplete versions of ourselves. We kindle our relationships, in a way, based on a lie and it’s only later that we start to let down our guard and let slip the other side of who we are - often because it’s just too exhausting to keep the act up.
When we go on first dates, we’re on our absolute best behaviour. We’re trying to convince the other person that we really are as great as our profile suggests. But the longer a person is exposed to you or I, the more the façade starts to crumble and the real you starts to pronounce itself.
And this process, will inevitably be a disappointment to your significant other because that’s not what they signed up for. When they agreed to go on a second and third date, they thought it was going to be with the person they went on a first date with. But after spending enough time with you, they will eventually catch you… being yourself. They’ll discover your flaws.
And this process can be really heart breaking for some people. What happened to the person I had so much fun with in the beginning? You might ask yourself questions like, “What happened to the person that made my pulse race when I got a text from them? If they don’t make me feel that way anymore, does that mean that I don’t love them anymore?
The reason they don’t excite you the way they used to is because that person, the one that made your pulse race, didn’t exist. You were falling for just one side, the best side, of that person and the longer you’ve spent with them, the more they’ve taken on a dimension that is less flattering and more real.
So the thing that we all have to learn, and it’s best if we can get a grip on this principle before it before it’s confronting us in an actual relationship, is that your experience of growing in a long term, committed relationship with someone will be one in which experiences of disappointment, and occasions that call for forgiveness will increase as time goes on.
At first, you’ll become infatuated with a person that only shows you their best side. But eventually, it will become impossible for them to keep up that act. The closer you get, the more their faults will be revealed and the more you’ll have to forgive.
So, in light of that we will always come to a crossroads, in every relationship. Are we going to learn to forgive and love someone no matter what, or are we going to let that experience of disappointment define our ability to get close to someone?
And that experience of learning to forgive that person, obviously, is not easy but it’s the test of true love. It’s a challenge to you to become more loving yourself. Real love should cost you something and what I’m trying to do in this video is prepare you for that cost.
If love really deserves the high and noble pedestal that we place it on, then it shouldn’t be easy. Why would we admire someone who only loves others that compulsively makes them feel good? That’s why we insist on that famous line in our marriage vows, “for better or worse.”
In our brave age of no fault divorce, we don’t really respect those vows any more, but this is what truly loving someone challenges us with. We can either learn to forgive and love someone no matter what, at ever step, or we can keep chasing that illusive relationship with a fictitious person that will never require us to forgive them of their brokenness.
Please comment with your ideas about the video and if you find it interesting, please share it and subscribe.
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Astounding, a Catholic RUclips channel with production quality that's not from the late 90's.
Try being Orthodox. You're lucky sometimes to get 1890s.
I was trying to find a good english youtube channel about anything to learn some of english when I found this one. Congratulations, as a catholic and as a spanish person I have to admit that I havent seen another channel like yours👏
LOL! Good disclaimer there at the end! The thing is, one needs humility. Because you are sure to disappoint your spouse as much as he or she might disappoint you. It's a two way street. I think kindness and a good sense of humor about life go a long way to easing the friction.
Well said, and one can further say that it is important that one pray for and with one's spouse or the one we are courting (dating is a modern deviation and very often a near occasion of sin). Chesterton says somewhere that men and women are naturally incompatible. The effects of Original Sin in us makes God's grace necessary in order to overcome that incompatibility and have a happy marriage.
And then we all change again under the stress of midlife crisis and the kids growing up. As an older woman, my self esteem is failing at the same time that my husband is looking for something more exciting to make him feel like he’s still young. Its really important to know your true self and your spouse, to try to have empathy and understanding to get through these stressful years.
Hi from Argentina! I'm so glad I found your channel. Such great content, in amazing format. As a convinced and happy catholic, I always think It would be great to have studied design or something like that (no talent on this field btw) to serve God in these times where images are such a strong way of comunicating Truth....so, I'm very happy you're doing such a great job!
this video arrives in a day in which I got me thinkink about the "choice" of my husband, who is an amazing God's man, but full of flaws as I am. After 8 years married it seems i know them all, haha. Thanks God for the chance of re-start every time and experience the powerful graces of the sacrament. Thanks for sharing, and you made me laugh with the half joke :D
Thanks for watching! I'm glad you liked it.
This video is very useful. I agree with everything you said.
Awesome video. This made me think about relationships in a more deeper way. We must be prepared to forgive more as we grow with our spouse in love.
Forgive and grow together in virtue, through the graces that come from the Sacraments. It's a great journey, this pilgrimage to Heaven with a spouse that wants to know, love and serve God as much as you do.
There are many relationships that do not start with the level of deception that you have described. Thankfully.
Great video! I was thoroughly entertained by all the awkward stock footage. I loved the bit at the end, too!
I love the way your describe deep thoughts in a clear way! It's amazing!
I have read / experienced a different perspective that I think gets closer to the root cause of failure. This video and other explanations seem to dance around the topic, but folks like therapists who listen to couples over decades and see commonalities may suggest a different cause of problems. In general, it is suggested that a person may be drawn to another who is somewhat like one of their parents (or role model) from their childhood. As this is familiar to them, they are drawn to the behaviors that they witnessed early on. Sadly, no one is ever perfectly parented, and we all are missing something. The partner you are drawn to, who may be like one of your parents, is the person who you want to give you what you didnt get from your parents. This if course always fails, leaving disappointment. It may not be the "best self" on the first date, but the comfort in familiar behavior displayed that is the attraction. The realization that the perspecive partner subconsciously will not be able to fill the gap that their parents left them may be at the root of the fail. If both partners understand this, then harmony may be much easier to achieve. It's an interesting perspective that seems to have merit for some couples, and I have found it facinating. This is likely regardless of the religious background.
I love my fiance. We know pretty much everything about each other and our hearts still race and our cheeks still turn red when we think about each other.
Pope Homeslice
Bro, How Is religion in France?
Bill Charly What?
Just saying, if you have a Patreon, I will support.
That means a lot! Thanks so much for your support. I don't have one, but that may be something to consider down the road.
Amazing video! Do you have any Q & A's up??
Lol he probably added that last part just in case his wife watches this video at some point 😜
To live is to die, sad truth but necessary,..
First, lol. Love your videos, very helpful :)
Take a shot at this question: What is love anyway, according to the Catholic Church, and marriage? S second question, The constant, bad handling of pedo priest bye the Vat, and Francis now? It is one thing to say all the right words, as regards the second question, and but from JP2 to Francis, in fact, they have done much more to protect themselves and being sued at then actually protecting the victims. You will have to do some unpleasant investigation on this, both victims and those who defend them and the diocese and the Vatican.,like Mahony in LA, WHO THE VAT, ACTUALLY rewards him to Cardinal, and Bishop Law, and Fr.Tom Doyle OP,
The answer to your first question is: to will the good of another. Your second question wasn't a question...
orthodox tewahido for ever ....ethiopian........
Hold up, let me get a beer!
Haha. ..she's in the room with you, isn't she
God loves you and He REALLY KNOWS YOU. He loves you. Repent and love God.
Quite good. But People can hurt eachother so badly in a relationship.
Yes even then we must forgive, but even then things don't chance.
So it is better to find God himself as the goal of our life. He will never disappoint. People will always do.
Looking for the best girl only to bear such a heavy burden after marrying her, made me realise romantic love is just a lie.
I then realised, ages later, that that girl was in the end a substitute for the only one who was all I ever longed for : God allmighty
It's generally better to avoid getting married completely. Marriage is not sacred anymore; it's just a contract that makes a man legally vulnerable.
Why did the Christian God choose to impregnate Mary with a male rather than a female?
Any answer to that question would be speculative. Some might point out that the original humans, Adam and Eve, who created our estrangement from God are represented in the New Adam and New Eve, who restore our relationship with God, in Jesus and Mary, respectively.
Thank you, that is interesting, but if your answer is based on conjecture rather than knowledge it has little or nothing to do with my original question.
Why did the Christian God choose to impregnate Mary with a male rather than a female?
Why do you assume there is an answer to your question?
I make no assumptions, I seek the answer to a reasonable question.
"At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.”
1 Corinthians 13:12 not all questions are to be answered in this life and we must simply trust that God knows what he is doing because HE IS...