You're just an angel who came here to try to explain what so many people ignore. I've watched your videos and u r very understanding and chose ur words properly. Thank you for that
this definitely makes sense. i felt sexually abused by my father when i hit puberty and i got obsessed with staying thin, developing an ED. it later occurred to me that it’s probably because i thought as long as i could look pre-pubescent, he wouldn’t see me as attractive and wouldn’t do anything. i think if these types of triggers were looked for more often, a lot of people could recover faster. thanks for this.
Well it's my early morning and I am mentally telling myself how much or if I will even eat anything at all today, or is it a liquid only day? I always think about self harm in many, many different ways! All times, all day and night long!
"Tell me how your PTSD is related to your... self harm." I've figured this out a few weeks ago, actually... Sometimes when I'm about to self harm, I stop and think.. WHY am I doing this to myself.. well, I feel terrible, but why? Why do I feel so bad? Why do I want to hurt myself? I self harm by cutting & I have flashbacks from past sexual abuse. I've figured out, through a lot of thinking and Paying attention to my thoughts and feelings, that I self harm Because of my PTSD. I have caught myself "in the moment", when I wanted to self harm, and I have realized that I was cutting to stop a flashback, or to make a flashback "go away/stop". I figured out what triggered my urges to self harm (usually a flashback), and what triggered my flashbacks (feelings, places, thoughts, etc). I kind of gauged my emotions and thoughts at the time of an urge... IDK if this make sense... but yeah. Success story time! :) One time, I was successful in NOT self harming to stop a flashback. It was horrible, but I did it. I went through the flashback during lunch at school, and I just kind of... sat there, staring at my food. I wanted to cut so badly, but I forced myself to stay in my chair. I tried to ground myself by squeezing my empty milk carton in my fist, and it worked, well, sort of... I started to return to "reality", but It took a while for my body to return to the present moment. Ever since that success at NOT cutting to stop a flashback, I have been trying to stay clean from cutting. I did make it to a week clean, but I've relapsed soon after that. I have been trying my hardest to find other ways to cope. One thing that helps me cope with a Flashback, is to ground myself. I focus on something that is part of the present moment, such as focusing on someone talking, or focusing on a specific object in the room. At times, I have counted the seconds as they went by, focusing on the passage of time in the present day. Sometimes I have to literally TELL myself to stay in the present (thinking, I am here I am now. This flashback is not real. ... It's weird, but it helps me).
I have been free from self harm for about five years. I have someone living with me though. If I'm alone long enough those urges can return in a heart beat. It's taken a lot of acceptance. I have to work where my arms are visible. It's tough but I know that it is very obvious to the most naive observer what I have done to my body. Stiff upper lip I guess, people will think what they will.
That is so awesome that you were able to progress so much!! I’m so proud of you that was so inspiring to read about your coping skill and although you may have relapsed about how you were able to continue your efforts on making progress.
My friend just died...I definitely consider that to be a trauma. I have anorexia and I don't want to eat because I'm sad that he's gone. But I KNOW that if he were alive today, that he would NOT want me to harm myself in any way, because he valued me and thought that I was an important person in his life... on the Earth! So that's one thing that keeps me from starvation: remembering that he thought I was an important person... and that I should stick around!
I’m thirty... I didn’t know this. Thank you... it’s hard for me to love myself and I didn’t realize my caretaker as a child REALLY distorted my view of my own self even though other people saw her as SUCH a wonderful person. I have to go rescue my inner child now, or I will end up killing my own self slowly with drawn out hatred that I didn’t even know wasn’t normal. I was felt so much different than the people around me. I’m so glad to know that I’m not crazy and that I deserve to be the child of God that he made me to be. Loved capable of feeling worthy and kind to myself and others.
I'm definitely a punishment/anger in person. While I was being abused I was always told that I was worthless and that things were my fault, and that had a lot to do with convincing me that I deserved to have bad things happen to me. I also have a hard time being mad at other people, and anytime someone does something to make me angry I tend to get mad at myself for "making it happen." It's taken me a long time to become aware of this stuff. I don't like to journal, so I blog instead. =)
i think my eating disorder developed after feeling that i had lost control and could not stop the abuse from happening, and as the abuser used my body the way he wanted with me feeling helpless, somewhere the eating disorder voice came as a way to give me that sence of control over food, calories, my wieght... you also touched on a very important subject; i belive the guilt and shame also led me to want to punish myself, my child mind didn't understand and so i blamed myself for the abuse. xoxo
Thanks Kati. I'm moving to South Africa in April to live with my dad, and he is going to get me therapy out there. I'm just trying not to get any worse in the meantime because there is nothing for me here therapy wise. I'm not thin enough or light enough to be referred by my doctor, and can't afford private health care. I'm so grateful for your videos, they are helping me so much. Thankyou!xxx
pt1It took me a while to admit how my ED started. I used to tell my therapist it was because I wanted to do well in gymnastics. But that was only partly true. My step dad started my fear of food. My sister was in the hospital alot so I would be left with him. I only got food when I did certain things. Soon I figured if I refuse the food I don't have to do anything. But then I also started to get alot of praise from my Gym coach. Restricting seemed like the best plan. Till I got injured that is.
i am so anxious and nervous that i cant eat at times as i feel i'm gonna be sick. have to resort to soup or smoothies at times or salads. bread and meat are a no no.
I deal with all of those. I want to try to become a therapist when I get older and Kati really inspires me to try to become one because she seems to help people so much and she makes people who watch this feel comfortable.
My eating disorder and self harming is how I cope with my past. I feel like those are the only 2 things that I can control. I couldn't control what happened to me growing up so this is how I cope. I tend to internalize everything. I also like you said, feel like I deserve this just like I deserved what happened to me. There are so many reasons why I have my eating disorder and why I cut.
these are helping me and seeing you have 50 vids on PTSD makes me feel a sense of relief i just want to understand myself im diagnosed with ptsd and full of anger still years on
Can't even begin to thank you enough for all the support you give and the video's are life saving. Literally! I've always wanted to be a therapist since I was like 10 I'm now 19 struggling with allot but seeing you impact and save so many people's lives makes me so motivated for getting well. I know my PTSD is related to SF & ED because when ever I'm around a certain person or triggered from the trauma by something that's when I struggle with the behaviors. But I can't stop even when I try to.
I have PTSD for a variety of reasons. It increases my issue with cutting and not eating. I stop eating because memories of what happened cause me to think of my body as bait so there must be as little of it as possible. The cutting becomes a problem after a flashback, when I find a blocked of memory, or when I dissociate. Cutting helps me reign myself in and find a cold sense of peace.
My step-father physically abused me from when I was 13 until I was 18 and left home. I started presenting with symptoms of Anorexia when I was about 15, and I had already been self harming since I was 11 because I was neglected by my mom after my dad left. I blamed myself for him leaving and it pushed me over the edge. The abuse by my step dad made me angry inwardly and outwardly. I hated myself, which started the ED, and hated everyone else too. My mom knew about the abuse and did nothing.xxxx
Hey kati I guess I My SH is internal anger and in the past has been a punishment for not doing anything about my past abuse. (I know it makes no sense) then the internal anger is well as you know I am battling my negativity. Which again stems from past abuse.. journaling is helping me so much and my poems too. Thankyou for posting this video It is another one which has come in very useful. Jess xx
This is a really good video and you manage to explain something so complicated so simply, it helps to hear it like that. For me I def turned my hatred inside. But mostly I felt so helpless and hopeless that I really just gave up. On everything, on everyone, on myself and on life. So I have been terribly ambivalent about if I even want life/food. Plus there is another (complicated) link between the trauma and the ED for me because the control of my food was a part of my past abuse/neglect.
I will download in later tonight. I keep telling myself I hate what I am doing to my body yet I am not so sure if I am ready to give everything up. Its the fear of the unknown..not knowing what life will be like with out those coping mechanisms. For me giving up my eating disorder and cutting is like losing a piece of me even though I don't let these issues define me as a person just like my scars. Each one just tells another part of my story.
Navigating this right now. It depends on how much Education you plan on doing in the UK. I would look into NACES (National Association of Credential Evaluation Services). Also I'm guessing if you want to work in California you want to live there as well. So applying for recidency really helps. You have to live in California for a year first and prove your going to stay. Thats why doing at least grad school would help alot. Because as long as you didn't go home on breaks the time would count.
Your analogy about poker chips reminds me a lot of the stress diathesis model, which has helped some in understanding why things have affected me more than the same things have others. My ptsd relates back to my s/h because at some level I've learnt to believe that what happened to me was my own fault, so I deserve to hurt. Which is why when I s/h I feel a deeper satisfaction the worse it is. Im lucky I have v open dialogue with my psychologist so I was able to take it to therapy that I'd realised the way my s/h makes me feel has changed and with it the frequency and duration and we were able to pin it down as both punishment and anger
I've found that a huge trigger for my ED would be when I would have flashbacks. I would sometimes disassociate and the only way I felt like I could really ground myself and bring myself back was by binging and purging or over-exercising. I've never heard of anyone else using it in that way. It also played into my restricting because I felt like I had to punish myself...and I was a horrible person who didn't deserve to eat. I'm doing better with that now (haven't purged since May what?!) though.
I haven't been diagnosed with PTSD but with the other mental health issues I have e.g. bipolar and BPD I tend to get angry so so easily! Sometimes it takes a while for someone to make me angry but other times it can take one comment. For instance i was out with my friends on Saturday night and someone called me ugly and because of passed experiences I flipped out on him. It was partly due to alcohol but it was also the memories that flooded back to me when he said that! xoxo
Yes I can't wait to be out there with him. Thankyou so much for talking to me. I hope you get paid a lot in LA for what you do! You're amazing! Thanks:) xxxx
I go through on/ off periods with how frequently and strongly I am getting flashbacks, nightmares and body memories. During the times that it's bad, it's really bad and the days that I can't take off during that time, I'm a horrible mess. No sleep, insomnia related ptsd, nightmares that leave me more exhausted than when I closed my eyes, flashbacks and body memories interrupting my work and conversations with colleagues and triggers that usually come from certain smells, sounds and who is around me and the number of them. All of this leaves me utterly exhausted and I honestly don't know how my body manages to keep going when this is happening because my coping mechanism is to stop eating. I do this for several reasons. The one I am always telling people, is the one that is easiest to understand for people who have very little concept of ptsd or those who I know won't give me an argument or challenge, will accept it or I don't want to explain my self and my story to; and that is that it's an element in my life that I can control utterly and completely. When my sanity is falling around my ankles, one thing I can control, that is very difficult to control, is eating. Our bodies are designed to make it very hard for us to go without food; hunger, light headedness, stomach pains, cramps. As well as the pain in my stomach giving me something to focus on other than the flashbacks and body memories going on, I say to myself; if i can fight this extremely difficult thing and succeed, I have control over it and that gives me just enough to hold onto to get through the shitstorm weeks. Makes me feel like if I have the strength to be able to control this, I can get through this tough time. Another strong reason I don't eat is that I'm always somewhat nauseous during these weeks. and nausea itself is a trigger for me and I try to avoid intensifying the sensation. It can get to a point that I'm so hungry and I say to myself to eat for my health and I'll prepare it all and have it there in front of me, stomach growling, food laden fork in hand and I just can't do it. I just can't bring myself to eat it because I know what it brings. If I don't throw it up, it sits in my stomach and the trauma emotions that come with that certain bodily feeling are not worth it. I know these times always pass and I say to myself that I haven't passed out or collapsed yet, I just need to wait for these weeks to have done their thing. Another reason is that when I'm so exhausted by these times, the only thing keeping me going is my backup reserves. The only reason I believe I'm able to hold conversations and get on with work is that there is nothing in my stomach. No food, no blood. When you eat stomach, blood and energy in your body goes to your stomach to help you digest. If I eat something, my brain power drops to 50% and I get very tired and sluggish and can drop off, this is fine when I'm at home. But when there are people around, I can't stand to let my guard down like that. Also the feeling of doziness and lethargy, inability to think and move properly feels like I've been drugged and again the trauma emotions that come with that feeling are too strong for me to handle when I'm in these states. There is a very minuscule part of me that enjoys the punishment of being so damn hungry, but it is tiny and is only there because in some small way, I feel I should suffer for the terrible mistakes I made and the awful things I did. But it's so small, it's like a grain of sand among mountains. But I'm not denying it's existence. I'm aware that my food restriction is not healthy and a not so good way of dealing with my issues when I'm already so close to dropping the ball, but I have only recently started facing my PTSD properly with therapy and treatment and there will soon be a time when these measures are a distant memory. This blog of Kati's is about, healing and sharing and creating understanding on subjects that hold much stigma and judgement. Whether my actions are right or wrong is irrelevant in this context, I'm simply answering the question when have you noticed self harm tendencies and can you share how they are related to your ptsd. I'm sharing my experience so that knowledge on the subject can grow and spread. All my love and warm energies to anyone out there who is suffering mental illness, you're never alone and you're freaking champions for fighting this far.
Hi Kati, and anyone and everyone. I have/had binge eating disorder from about age 6. I didn't know it was an eating disorder or officially diagnosed until 4 years ago. I am 23, and I lost my mother at age 12. That was one of my biggest traumas I faced. I thought about six months before learning about my eating disorder that something was really wrong with me. I thought it had to do with health. I have since learned that I have PTSD. They have been together hand in hand for years. So I didn't really self diagnose myself.
I feel like I am unable to explode on anyone which makes me not know where to put all that anger, so there's just this thing boiling inside me... and I try to not complain about it to other people because I feel like I'm just going to annoy people with my problems. This video helped me realize that and puts some reasoning behind my urges to SH.
yes, it makes sense. I will see someone once they respond to me! I was thinking about talking to someone at my school or my doctor bcuz I'm running out of options with no one returning my calls or emails & there only being 2 in the area that specializes in eds keeps me low on options. My room mate has been on me all day about telling my parents but that is my last choice.we'll see I guess. You're awesome Kati. seriously if you or these videos werent here...I'd be in a baaad spot right now.
I self-harm and use my ED to punish myself, and maybe a little bit of anger inward. I think I discovered this last bit when I was in treatment and I said outright that "I never get angry." Later I learned that I do get angry, but internally at myself because there never was an outlet to vent my anger without judgement or fear of judgement. My trauma contributes to this because it tells me I deserve the self-harm and ED because the trauma was my fault.
I think this is such an informative video. It's especially good because I recognized a lot of shit (pardon my French) that I use as well from this video. I turn a lot of my anger inward, become depressed/suicidal, and then I used to punish myself through cutting. For a brief period after the first trauma, I would snap at anyone and everyone and couldn't control my anger. I got in so much trouble. It happens now and then (the outward anger) but not as frequently, thank god.
Hi, after 3 years of searching, here is a young lady who says it as it is. Says mostly what many experience and in a verbal language that is understandable . I am anorexic, not because I want to be thin ; but because the person who buys my food, I loathe. If I go out to eat, and rarely do .. due to economic reasons .. I eat like a hog ! Well done Jessica and Kati. YES.
pt2Then I wasn't able to hide behind the gymnastics excuse. So I started getting the third degree from my doctor and mom. So I started to eat a bit to get them off my back and then cut from the fear of what might happen after. But when the anxiety builds too much I go back to restricting. As for talking to people at 3am. I find twitter to be quite helpful. :)
Responce to the final question in the video: My self-harm/self-punishment is connected to my PTSD, BPD, and anger issues connected (I think) to my childhood diagnosis of ODD - I'm 27, so it's not a diagnosis I have anymore on paper, though I notice it (seemingly my ODD) pops up every so often still, and anger from my BPD. To be honest, all of my disorders feed off of each other, so to speak, and intertwine. I can only identify two big life-related triggers/reasons for my behaviors. When it's likely my PTSD and some of my self-hate symptoms from my BPD, I self-punish. On overly emotional days, where I can't pin-point specific events for my feelings if need to do this, I often notice a large umbrella reason of the fact that I simply exist in the world (often also there when I can more narrow events down for reasons). While it has never truly been voiced specifically, as I'm not even sure my family is aware they were doing this themselves through their behaviors, I have felt compared to my younger sister to the point of feeling entirely unwanted and replaced by her. "I'll never be good enough. I'm not worthy of this life," are thoughts that often run through my mind. I've honestly been chronically suicidal for 14 years of my life, though that has even more things behind that connected to having depression since I was a toddler, but that's another thing entirely. Part of my self-punishment, though, comes from being to afraid to attempt suicide, as odd as that may sound. "I'm not good at living, and I can't even follow through with this. I'm an ultimate failure," is the best way to explain that factor right now. "If I can't die for them, then I should at least suffer. They deserve better than me," add in for people who actually do care about me, "They just don't see how much easier life will be without me for them yet." My best friend and her husband/my other friend are my roommates and know that I think this way and self-punish because of it. 99%-100% of my close friends all have similar struggles, so we do understand eachother and talk about this stuff on occasion. With the restricting of food and some of the other things I will restrict myself from (example: not wearing a jacket in 30°F weather, restricting liquids, etc), on really stressful days with it, when it's at it worst and trying to fight the thoughts myself make the self-punishment thoughts stronger in the end, I will ask my roommates for "permission" to eat, drink, etc. I do know that I automatically have "permission" and they also know, though sometimes I need to voice why I'm asking, "is it okay to do this? Was I good?" to them or they'll over-worry about it. They work retail/pharmacy tech (so, crazy customers for 8-10 hrs most days. Lol) jobs and have anxiety and such too, so we all get scatter-brained with each others' "quirks" from time to time. They make sure I already know I don't need permission, as I do have some psychosis - referencing delusions right now, specifically - that can pop up when very very stressed. They'll just say, "yeah, you can do that." And/or "you don't need to ask, but yes." And it will re-assure me and lessen any guilt I may get if I try to push past my "mental illness brain" - as I call my illogical thoughts - with my "logical brain" - how I label the part of my mind that knows I'm sick and have a skewed way of thinking. I'm not sure if it's a "healthy" way to go about this, but it works for me right now. It's not perfect, obviously, but it helps. As for my anger causing self-harm/punishment... when I get triggered to a certain point, my adrenaline will spike to physically painful levels. I generally can tell now when I shouldn't be around other people now, unlike when I was younger and would take out my anger on my sister. I try to not hurt other people by taking it out on myself instead, though most of this is walking and primal screams, I also do other - not so healthy - things. Not cutting or burning, but still rather self-violent things. This can be also connected to my PTSD and BPD as much as my other disorders. My sister has PTSD as well from growing up sickly and being in and out of hospitals, and has similar adrenaline rushes with it. The scary thing for me (with my own stuff) is how much damage I can cause from the strength the rush gives me. My sister and I go into to full fight mode, as if we just got thrown into a fight to the death, sometimes. When I had less of an understanding of how and why this happened to me, I easily crushed my sister's muscles in her arms in one hand...holding back. I gave her another source for her PTSD with this. We both understand eachother a bit better. We're both terrified of one another, but generally try to respect our space. We live sperately, so that helps, of course. This internalizing of my anger is in the hopes to avoid breaking someone's neck in the heat of the moment. I NEVER want to hurt ANYONE like I used to again! Add in my dissociation (amnesia type), and I am TERRIFIED of what could happen if I ever truly lose control. That being said, I don't have anything I actively do to cope with this part of my self harm right now. I've had a great suggestion given to me from someone I've met that has similar violence issues that I want to try though. He uses a boxing bag to hit and get his anger out safely. I've been told a pillow growing up, but it doesn't have enough density to help lessen the actual adrenaline rush. Has anyone else delt with this? I'm curious to learn and try different coping skills for this type of self-harm motivator.
I self-harmed after an abuse-situation, because I was really losing it and couldn't find another way to let my anger and frustration out. But that was just the first few times. After that, I did it because I couldn't get myself to reach for help, so I wanted the people around me to notice how I felt inside, so that they could help me. I don't know how I figured out, that this was related to the traumatic situation i had. I just did. I never self-harmed befor that incident, and I always wondered how someone could want to self-harm, until I also got to this point.
This was a great video, and I've always been curious about this topic... It does make me feel a little... Unworthy, I suppose, of the help I'm getting for my SH. I don't have any traumatic backstory, other people need this help more than I do.
hi so i guess this seems a little bit late but anyway. i use to self harm when i was in high school and even when i was out of school. for me it was a form of release. i come from a bit of an abusive home, step parents, crazy mom ect, and when i found myself in that space of just wanting to cut or hurt myself, it was because i needed an outlet. it was like there was so much hurt inside, i was so super sad, that it needed to come out somehow, and i couldnt talk to anyone, i was shy and embarrased and i came from a small tonw and i was scared people would talk. so i cut. it was making the inside pain, be outside pain, which is easier to deal with... so that was my reason..
Wow... this describes my the first 27 years of my life perfectly. I was sexual abuse as a child and raped as a teenager. I never told anyone and never got help till I was 27. This video explains everything. I didn't have a eating disorder or never self harmed but I had a serious anger issue and serve anxiety and sleeping issue. Thankx Kati.❤
I recently relapse on my eating disorder\ binge eat at night and hide it from my family and even from my friends .I am talking to my therapist now don't feel better going through PTSD symptoms with depression .
thank you for making these videos they have help me alot.I have been suffering with ednos for 9 years since i was elleven :( and i have never had any treatment there is not a lot of therapist in iceland that work with eating disorders :( I was wondering if you could make a video that shows what a normal person eats in a day because i have been sick for so long that i am not sure what is normal and what is restricting and thank you so much for these videos :)
I used to think that suicide was the only way sense that's what my father did. last year was the last time I self harmed, but I think about it all the time. I want to believe everything wasn't my fault but I do, sense my family never lets me forget. i moved out and into my boyfriends to help myself but none of my family listens. they just blame me for things or they are always putting me down. its hard when your family hates you and your boyfriends family cares more about you.
Ive coped with my anger by unconsciously and consciously starving myself.i thought it had gone away but it's not.im so fed up of this journey..it's been so long.
Since I was never good enough for that particular person. I could never do anything right according to her, I kind of slowly discovered that if I diet and get skinny I get nice feedback for that. I’m recovered from anorexia by the way, now in recovery from the real trauma/abuse that I couldn’t cope with.
Thank you so much for making a video on PTSD. I guess my ED and SH are part of me trying to punish myself for the sexual abuse as I feel it was my fault and I deserve it. I am working through the trauma with a therapist and visiting the ED clinic, so hopefully I will get to a place where I do not feel the need to punish myself. Thanks again for this video.
It helped me immensely to go to a PTSD specialist therapist. It was hard, so hard, but you can do it. I wish I’d done it years ago. It’s the best thing that’s helped me.🦋
I felt that I wanted to punish my abusers but could not. I was also feeling suicidal but could not. The closest I could come was to inflict that damage on myself by burning and cutting. Somehow it seemed to help me feel more in control and less likely to attack someone. But the pressure only began to build again. Then once more I would return to the thing that made me feel alive and in control, knowing all the time that it would accomplish neither of these. But I had no better means or even another alternative.
I really appreciate the work you do with self harm. I would love to see more about it, but no matter what, your videos have helped me out. My issue more so is that I have a couple people to talk to about life and its struggles, but I don't know how the heck I am suppose to bring the topic up. Hey suicide is on my mind, let's call my best friend? DBT has pretty much saved my life. Anyone in the MA area, I have some good places/tips for you.
I know my ptsd and eating disorder are related. I was raped when I was 22, and that is when I started restricting, then got sick had to stop that. Anger has built and built inside me for years I am 35 now. I just want to hit something, smash something I don't know. If I had been a stronger person and I hadn't frozen in the moment I wouldn't hate myself so much. I gained a lot of weight and so I hated myself more so I started purging, and purging. I know I need help, but I am scared. I am scared of what is inside me, I blow up at people at the worst times.
i know exactly what you are talking about, i am the same way i am now 18 and it happened to me when i was 15 still trying to move on and i have really bad anxiety. i clench my jaw and get head aces as a result.
the more i learn about my complex ptsd, the more i realize i have been lied to my entire life, and i was raised by a narcissist mother with 0 care about my childhood experience whatsoever. i never understood why literally my entire life since i was around 9-10 years old, i've struggled with major depressive disorder and suicidal feelings. i take it all out on myself with my eating disorder, but i really deeply hate the childhood i had because of my biological mother's selfishness. i have tried countless times to make a healthy relationship with her, but she refuses to acknowledge that she abused me and worse things. so i punish myself for refusing to accept her CONDITIONAL "love", which requires me to LIE TO MYSELF and my inner child's feelings and memories. i refuse to gaslight myself and make myself doubt what i remember feeling and experiencing. i punish myself by not eating because i used to be overweight and now that i lost around 40 lbs, i feel like i get treated with so much more attention/kindness/ interest, compared to before i ever thought about calories. because i choose to not accept this fake love from either of my biological parents, i feel very much like an orphan. i have no contact with family whatsoever, and i'm a first-generation college student at a big university. i punish myself for being lackluster to my parents (even though they do not deserve the title of being a parent). i hate myself for not being good enough, or worthy enough, to have been protected when i was a little girl. i was emotionally neglected my entire life and my father was a hardcore drug addict never around. i keep punishing myself because whatever i fundamentally lacked in the eyes of my mother and father to not have been loved the way other girls are loved by their parents,, i can make up for now. i can control feeling loved. i imagine being overweight again, and i feel like my life would be over because i would become a failure, another disappointment (but not surprising anyone). i feel so unseen and hurt, that i'm using my body as a tool to bring feelings of being "good" and "worth" something. i feel like a treasure when my clothing sizes drop, when my weight drops, and when my weight loss becomes noticeable. i know this sounds so bad but i feel like its important i share my experiences here as i was diagnosed with MDD, Complex PTSD, and atypical anorexia, and if anyone can relate or feel anything i say here, that means a lot. I recognize that my main motive in my eating disorder is to feel loved and wanted. Every time i eat, it feels like i'm getting further and further away from the possibility of anyone ever loving me, especially my parents. it creates a lot of pressure. i've been doing a lot of photos as my ed has been getting worse/ i am engaging in the behaviors more frequently and intensely, and i have such a strong urge to send my mom pics of my ribcage showing to show her how bad she hurt me. all i want is a true, genuine apology, and her being a narcissist truly having ASPD, she does not care. knowing that, my next most huge factor motivating my eating disorder is the idea of grabbing my mom's attention by losing weight. she used to have an ed i think, when i was younger she would compare our wristbones next to each other when i was in the front seat, and she said something about how she liked her wristbone. it now sounds like anorexia to me. she denies ever having struggled with an eating disorder, but some things i cannot see any other way now that i have anorexia myself. before moving to college, when i lost 30 lbs , she would compliment me and remark how little i looked. then, we went clothes shopping for move-in day, and she said how "tiny" i was wearing a small size shirt. i think when i lose weight, i see her approval and not love, but maybe short-term attention. because i realize she does not love me the way a true, loving mother loves her daughters, i seek revenge to her sexual, physical and mental abuse and neglect by showing her what i'm doing to myself, and her worry would motivate me more to lose weight because of this: -she had no regard for my life or happiness my entire childhood, exposing me to tons of trauma and never helping me process any of it, or genuinely apologizing for putting me through that. now, i use my body to use the same tactics she used treating me (complete neglect and disregard, carelessness, no empathy, dragged me into horrible places around dangerous people and did things in front of me i shouldn't have seen). now, i feel like i am reversing the pain back onto her by hurting myself BY CHOICE, in the same way she did, but this time i am not a victim. i am in control and i savor that to the ends of my existence.
+Kat Lyons I feel so sad for you. A trigger could be unconscious(too painful) a smell, a sound, a similar situation. Always try to concentrate on your breathing firstly. Deep slow easy breaths in and out. About 5-10 breaths. Then try to observe colors, shapes, objects, sounds all in your present environment. That is what I call becoming present and becoming grounded. Have you ever been to a psychologist? One most likely can help you. Explore talk therapy along with EMDR. Make sure your therapist is well trained and experienced in administering EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Repolerization) I highly recommend EMDR for helping PTSD. They use it with war veterans with PTSD also.
I think my eating disorder really stemmed out of 2 different traumas at different times in my life, and I had different flares following each of the events. After my dad died when I was 12, I withdrew from my mother, and she did the same with me, as she was also struggling to cope. It was pretty slow at first, but eventually I was using it as a way I felt control over my life since I had no control over previous situations. I also felt a lot of responsibility because I was the one that found him, and so it was a way of punishing myself for that, kind of like slowly committing suicide. Later, when I was 18, 3 of my friends and I almost died in a horrific car accident. I was the one driving, and though the accident wasn’t my fault, I felt responsible. The accident left me permanently disabled, and a lot of anger and high came along with that. I was bed bound for months and on tons of medications, so no one really noticed that I was slipping deep into depression and was suffering from horrible nightmares and visions from PTSD. I definitely turned inward, and my anxiety was at an all time high. I had no control over my recovery, so my eating disorder was worse than ever, which made recovery come to a grinding halt. I lost tons and tons of weight and had a really warped body image. I’d like to say that I’ve now recovered, but truthfully I haven’t. There have been other, smaller traumas that have compounded other ones, and I have a really serious flare at least once every 4 or so months. I think I use my disorder as kind of a “cop out suicide” because for me, it’s essentially a manifestation of my suicidal thoughts that I don’t have to take ownership of
I really appreciate you sharing your raw and authentic emotions. Your last comment was so deep and really hit home with me because you are really allowing people to see your inner true self. I really appreciate it!!
Kati!! I'm at work watching this and I busted out laughing several times, you're so funny and real! I can't post how its related right now bcuz I'm on my phone but I will soon. I was diagnosed with pstd when I was 16 so all of what you said makes sense. (: oh love that your outside btw!!
I used self-harm** as a punishment, and disordered eating* as a form of control. *restricting by making it “perfect” nutritionally with all my essential vitamins and minerals, with the minimal amount of calories possible *cutting, with scalpel blades, in “beautiful” lines that had to be symmetrical and perfectly straight, and if I ever messed up, I had to make the other side a mirror image
My ptsd is connected with my (self diagnosed as of last week) “ed” because my dad used to scream at me about how I’m eating too much and I don’t care about how much everyone else eats. I’m driving him broke and it’ll be my fault when everyone’s hungry. I was on steroids after my brain surgery at 13. I gained 50 pounds bc of the steroids and I couldn’t get over the fact that I was finally able to eat big amounts again and not eat barely any hospital food everyday anymore but my moms wonderful cooking. I understand why he said it and my response to it now. I just don’t know what to do with that info and how to get help. I need another therapist Idfk how my others didn’t realize this.
Hi👋🏻 I’m fifteen and I was raped this past summer. Ever since, it’s been very hard to put food in my mouth and swallow it.. to me, it feels like I don’t want anything inside my body even if it’s food because I know that isn’t going to replace what was taken from me. I don’t want anything else to be inside me ever again.
I kind of forget to eat for long period of times, and then I realise I haven't eaten in days but I can't make the hunger come back. Sometimes I eat a little easier when I am with someone I love and they feed me. But I live alone, and it's like the rest of the time I don't deserve food. I hate myself so much for so many reasons, it's really hard to feed my body, because I don't deserve it. I'm not good enough.
i used to see my mom and dad argue and fight which traumatized me at a young age and now i live with my grandparents and i'm scared to tell them about that situation and now i self harm and get angry super easily and i cry. i never fall asleep easily anymore and i have a mixture of not eating and eating way too much and i think i'm fat. i haven't seen me therapist since December of 2018 and i want to be able to go back but i'm too nervous.
I feel like the real and actual and humorous side of me is invisible. Its fear in general that almost causes me to. " feel" dead to him (The audience of ONE) I am not thinking about my physical body. I almost already FEEL gone
I only hurt myself once a long time ago. I have cptsd and INFP. I eat when I'm bored. When I'm anxious I eat so I feel full and can sleep. Maybe to release endorphins associated. I was staved during childhood abuse and had extra condition that if I got caught stealing food I had to watch him choke my sister until she was purple. I was 10 then I'm 46 now
my “traumatic” experience was my crush like my best friend and it made me so insecure i lost my appetite for everything and fell into a depression but i don’t think it’s an ed.
I've been in therapy for 20 years...I've been anorexic and I've binge eated repeatly. I'd ask my therapist WHY AM I DOING THIS???? Do you know I never ever got an answer...until I watched your videos TODAY....ty soooo much ❤
hi kati i only started cutting myself when i began to open up. it was the worst and everyone carried on but i couldnt i didnt know how???? i seen counsilors etc. felt blame too which i had since for ever. things are not as bad but i need more help so im greatfull for your site. my anger, where do i store it i keep quite and i guess keep it in.
I'm a bit late lol, but I just realized that my self harm helps me to release the pain from years of sexual abuse. Not an excuse, and it's something I am working very hard on to not do, but there are times were I do get lost.
Okay, thanks Kati. It's just so hard. My dad didn't know, and my stepmom had to tell him because I couldn't tell him by text. He was so upset. And he blames himself:'( Okay thanks for your help. I'm not even sure it's rosacea..I just keep getting really flushed and blotchy cheeks. So embarrassing:/ xxx
So, in theory, martial arts training is a good way to knock depression out？ 1. It lets you throw jabs and hooks to someting (sandbag) or someone (sparring), and you can learn the right way to do so, not harming yourself (a ferocious bare-handed cross to the wall=100% boxer's fracture) or someone else. 2. I mean, the VERY right way, right enough to cause serious damage when you were really wanted to. So not only it can let anger out in a right way, it can also build your strength (both physically and mentally) to smack the shit out of that bastard who did something really bad to you. 3. Doing sports can release some “good” substances which make you feel nice.
I feel like cutting is a way for me to take my mental pain away for a little while and make it physical instead. it makes me feel in control of my pain.
Hey I have PTSD and an ED. One of the things I struggle with is feeling dirty. I get physical flashbacks where I can feel the abuse over and over and over again on my body and I need to purge/sh/binge etc. to feel clean...to be able to sit in my skin again, if even for a little longer. How can I feel clean when I feel it happening? Even if I know it's not? And it comes out of nowhere. Thanks for this video...and for you!
That happened to my friend. He's parents were drug addicts and his father was very physically abusive. That's when he started cutting, when he's Dad went into recovery so he wasn't getting hit anymore but he thought he still deserved a 'punishment'. My friend came back from inpatient and I want to help. How should I?
How do you know if you have PTSD? If you've been abused , but not dealt with it in or out of therapy and your an angry person dose that mean you can have it. Dose smell and touch triggers count, what about nightmares related to it?
I think I have PTSD from cutting. Because I never knew it was wrong and when I hear people talking about it or showing me cuts or I smell blood. I have a panic attack
i dont know for sure if i have ptsd.. i had ocd as a kid - serious family problems at the time. after two years it went then it came back recently in a difrent form but i dont know if i would say i was traumatised :/.. & i'm not sure how it relates to my ocd. fear of not being good enough - meeting society's standards of being tiny and beautiful? i dunno.
So what about just plain old fear playing a role in SH and trauma? The "anger in", "anger out, and "punishing self" don't seem to fit me. I am always terrified of everyone and thing and I think I use SH to control that .... Does that still somehow go back to the three things you discussed or can fear be by itself?
I found you looking for answers, I’m confused even more and have found some answers. How do I stop? They put me on medications for ptsd the same as veterans I have cptsd and ptsd. My therapist is great unfortunately we are both at a loss because what I went through was extreme. I don’t even realize I’m doing what I’m doing
You're just an angel who came here to try to explain what so many people ignore. I've watched your videos and u r very understanding and chose ur words properly. Thank you for that
this definitely makes sense. i felt sexually abused by my father when i hit puberty and i got obsessed with staying thin, developing an ED. it later occurred to me that it’s probably because i thought as long as i could look pre-pubescent, he wouldn’t see me as attractive and wouldn’t do anything. i think if these types of triggers were looked for more often, a lot of people could recover faster. thanks for this.
The example story of the little girl you used in the beggining is word for word accurate to me...
Beckii Bobo I wasn't expecting her example either and it hit pretty hard. Not word for word for me but pretty close. ❤💯
Well it's my early morning and I am mentally telling myself how much or if I will even eat anything at all today, or is it a liquid only day? I always think about self harm in many, many different ways! All times, all day and night long!
"Tell me how your PTSD is related to your... self harm."
I've figured this out a few weeks ago, actually...
Sometimes when I'm about to self harm, I stop and think.. WHY am I doing this to myself.. well, I feel terrible, but why? Why do I feel so bad? Why do I want to hurt myself?
I self harm by cutting & I have flashbacks from past sexual abuse.
I've figured out, through a lot of thinking and Paying attention to my thoughts and feelings, that I self harm Because of my PTSD. I have caught myself "in the moment", when I wanted to self harm, and I have realized that I was cutting to stop a flashback, or to make a flashback "go away/stop".
I figured out what triggered my urges to self harm (usually a flashback), and what triggered my flashbacks (feelings, places, thoughts, etc). I kind of gauged my emotions and thoughts at the time of an urge... IDK if this make sense... but yeah.
Success story time! :)
One time, I was successful in NOT self harming to stop a flashback.
It was horrible, but I did it. I went through the flashback during lunch at school, and I just kind of... sat there, staring at my food. I wanted to cut so badly, but I forced myself to stay in my chair. I tried to ground myself by squeezing my empty milk carton in my fist, and it worked, well, sort of... I started to return to "reality", but It took a while for my body to return to the present moment.
Ever since that success at NOT cutting to stop a flashback, I have been trying to stay clean from cutting. I did make it to a week clean, but I've relapsed soon after that. I have been trying my hardest to find other ways to cope.
One thing that helps me cope with a Flashback, is to ground myself.
I focus on something that is part of the present moment, such as focusing on someone talking, or focusing on a specific object in the room. At times, I have counted the seconds as they went by, focusing on the passage of time in the present day.
Sometimes I have to literally TELL myself to stay in the present (thinking, I am here I am now. This flashback is not real. ... It's weird, but it helps me).
I have been free from self harm for about five years. I have someone living with me though. If I'm alone long enough those urges can return in a heart beat. It's taken a lot of acceptance. I have to work where my arms are visible. It's tough but I know that it is very obvious to the most naive observer what I have done to my body. Stiff upper lip I guess, people will think what they will.
That is so awesome that you were able to progress so much!! I’m so proud of you that was so inspiring to read about your coping skill and although you may have relapsed about how you were able to continue your efforts on making progress.
"I'm filming! hello!" Haha. birds can be so inconsiderate!
She looked cute when she yelled at the birds LOL 😊
My friend just died...I definitely consider that to be a trauma. I have anorexia and I don't want to eat because I'm sad that he's gone. But I KNOW that if he were alive today, that he would NOT want me to harm myself in any way, because he valued me and thought that I was an important person in his life... on the Earth! So that's one thing that keeps me from starvation: remembering that he thought I was an important person... and that I should stick around!
I’m thirty... I didn’t know this. Thank you... it’s hard for me to love myself and I didn’t realize my caretaker as a child REALLY distorted my view of my own self even though other people saw her as SUCH a wonderful person.
I have to go rescue my inner child now, or I will end up killing my own self slowly with drawn out hatred that I didn’t even know wasn’t normal. I was felt so much different than the people around me. I’m so glad to know that I’m not crazy and that I deserve to be the child of God that he made me to be. Loved capable of feeling worthy and kind to myself and others.
I'm definitely a punishment/anger in person. While I was being abused I was always told that I was worthless and that things were my fault, and that had a lot to do with convincing me that I deserved to have bad things happen to me. I also have a hard time being mad at other people, and anytime someone does something to make me angry I tend to get mad at myself for "making it happen." It's taken me a long time to become aware of this stuff. I don't like to journal, so I blog instead. =)
i think my eating disorder developed after feeling that i had lost control and could not stop the abuse from happening, and as the abuser used my body the way he wanted with me feeling helpless, somewhere the eating disorder voice came as a way to give me that sence of control over food, calories, my wieght...
you also touched on a very important subject; i belive the guilt and shame also led me to want to punish myself, my child mind didn't understand and so i blamed myself for the abuse. xoxo
lol katie you said 'suss out" i love it. im not poking fun or ignoring the point, that just made me smile :)
Thanks Kati. I'm moving to South Africa in April to live with my dad, and he is going to get me therapy out there. I'm just trying not to get any worse in the meantime because there is nothing for me here therapy wise. I'm not thin enough or light enough to be referred by my doctor, and can't afford private health care. I'm so grateful for your videos, they are helping me so much. Thankyou!xxx
pt1It took me a while to admit how my ED started. I used to tell my therapist it was because I wanted to do well in gymnastics. But that was only partly true. My step dad started my fear of food. My sister was in the hospital alot so I would be left with him. I only got food when I did certain things. Soon I figured if I refuse the food I don't have to do anything. But then I also started to get alot of praise from my Gym coach. Restricting seemed like the best plan. Till I got injured that is.
i am so anxious and nervous that i cant eat at times as i feel i'm gonna be sick. have to resort to soup or smoothies at times or salads. bread and meat are a no no.
I deal with all of those. I want to try to become a therapist when I get older and Kati really inspires me to try to become one because she seems to help people so much and she makes people who watch this feel comfortable.
My eating disorder and self harming is how I cope with my past. I feel like those are the only 2 things that I can control. I couldn't control what happened to me growing up so this is how I cope. I tend to internalize everything. I also like you said, feel like I deserve this just like I deserved what happened to me. There are so many reasons why I have my eating disorder and why I cut.
these are helping me and seeing you have 50 vids on PTSD makes me feel a sense of relief i just want to understand myself im diagnosed with ptsd and full of anger still years on
Can't even begin to thank you enough for all the support you give and the video's are life saving. Literally! I've always wanted to be a therapist since I was like 10 I'm now 19 struggling with allot but seeing you impact and save so many people's lives makes me so motivated for getting well. I know my PTSD is related to SF & ED because when ever I'm around a certain person or triggered from the trauma by something that's when I struggle with the behaviors. But I can't stop even when I try to.
You always give the answers i were looking for so longggg. Thank you so much!
I have PTSD for a variety of reasons. It increases my issue with cutting and not eating. I stop eating because memories of what happened cause me to think of my body as bait so there must be as little of it as possible. The cutting becomes a problem after a flashback, when I find a blocked of memory, or when I dissociate. Cutting helps me reign myself in and find a cold sense of peace.
Thank you 🙏🏻 listening at 3.33 am
Right on the nose for me. Thank You! ❤
My step-father physically abused me from when I was 13 until I was 18 and left home. I started presenting with symptoms of Anorexia when I was about 15, and I had already been self harming since I was 11 because I was neglected by my mom after my dad left. I blamed myself for him leaving and it pushed me over the edge. The abuse by my step dad made me angry inwardly and outwardly. I hated myself, which started the ED, and hated everyone else too. My mom knew about the abuse and did nothing.xxxx
Hey kati I guess I My SH is internal anger and in the past has been a punishment for not doing anything about my past abuse. (I know it makes no sense) then the internal anger is well as you know I am battling my negativity. Which again stems from past abuse.. journaling is helping me so much and my poems too. Thankyou for posting this video It is another one which has come in very useful. Jess xx
I really needed this video, I can totally relate to what you're saying.
Thank You Katie!
This is a really good video and you manage to explain something so complicated so simply, it helps to hear it like that. For me I def turned my hatred inside. But mostly I felt so helpless and hopeless that I really just gave up. On everything, on everyone, on myself and on life. So I have been terribly ambivalent about if I even want life/food.
Plus there is another (complicated) link between the trauma and the ED for me because the control of my food was a part of my past abuse/neglect.
I will download in later tonight. I keep telling myself I hate what I am doing to my body yet I am not so sure if I am ready to give everything up. Its the fear of the unknown..not knowing what life will be like with out those coping mechanisms. For me giving up my eating disorder and cutting is like losing a piece of me even though I don't let these issues define me as a person just like my scars. Each one just tells another part of my story.
Kati you are very good... When I abusively eat I am using food to feel better.. cover up pain, sadness, depression... etc
You're amazing. That's all I have to say
I love your videos darling, you're also very funny. Passionate about your field, you attract like a magnet. Thank you for your video. Cheers!
Navigating this right now. It depends on how much Education you plan on doing in the UK. I would look into NACES (National Association of Credential Evaluation Services). Also I'm guessing if you want to work in California you want to live there as well. So applying for recidency really helps. You have to live in California for a year first and prove your going to stay. Thats why doing at least grad school would help alot. Because as long as you didn't go home on breaks the time would count.
Your videos are so incredibly helpful ❤️
Your analogy about poker chips reminds me a lot of the stress diathesis model, which has helped some in understanding why things have affected me more than the same things have others.
My ptsd relates back to my s/h because at some level I've learnt to believe that what happened to me was my own fault, so I deserve to hurt. Which is why when I s/h I feel a deeper satisfaction the worse it is. Im lucky I have v open dialogue with my psychologist so I was able to take it to therapy that I'd realised the way my s/h makes me feel has changed and with it the frequency and duration and we were able to pin it down as both punishment and anger
I have PTSD. It changed my life. I know I'm dying everyday. I feel alone too. ty
I've found that a huge trigger for my ED would be when I would have flashbacks. I would sometimes disassociate and the only way I felt like I could really ground myself and bring myself back was by binging and purging or over-exercising. I've never heard of anyone else using it in that way. It also played into my restricting because I felt like I had to punish myself...and I was a horrible person who didn't deserve to eat. I'm doing better with that now (haven't purged since May what?!) though.
Not confusing at all, I can relate.
I haven't been diagnosed with PTSD but with the other mental health issues I have e.g. bipolar and BPD I tend to get angry so so easily! Sometimes it takes a while for someone to make me angry but other times it can take one comment. For instance i was out with my friends on Saturday night and someone called me ugly and because of passed experiences I flipped out on him. It was partly due to alcohol but it was also the memories that flooded back to me when he said that! xoxo
Yes I can't wait to be out there with him. Thankyou so much for talking to me. I hope you get paid a lot in LA for what you do! You're amazing! Thanks:) xxxx
I go through on/ off periods with how frequently and strongly I am getting flashbacks, nightmares and body memories. During the times that it's bad, it's really bad and the days that I can't take off during that time, I'm a horrible mess. No sleep, insomnia related ptsd, nightmares that leave me more exhausted than when I closed my eyes, flashbacks and body memories interrupting my work and conversations with colleagues and triggers that usually come from certain smells, sounds and who is around me and the number of them.
All of this leaves me utterly exhausted and I honestly don't know how my body manages to keep going when this is happening because my coping mechanism is to stop eating.
I do this for several reasons. The one I am always telling people, is the one that is easiest to understand for people who have very little concept of ptsd or those who I know won't give me an argument or challenge, will accept it or I don't want to explain my self and my story to; and that is that it's an element in my life that I can control utterly and completely.
When my sanity is falling around my ankles, one thing I can control, that is very difficult to control, is eating. Our bodies are designed to make it very hard for us to go without food; hunger, light headedness, stomach pains, cramps. As well as the pain in my stomach giving me something to focus on other than the flashbacks and body memories going on, I say to myself; if i can fight this extremely difficult thing and succeed, I have control over it and that gives me just enough to hold onto to get through the shitstorm weeks. Makes me feel like if I have the strength to be able to control this, I can get through this tough time.
Another strong reason I don't eat is that I'm always somewhat nauseous during these weeks. and nausea itself is a trigger for me and I try to avoid intensifying the sensation. It can get to a point that I'm so hungry and I say to myself to eat for my health and I'll prepare it all and have it there in front of me, stomach growling, food laden fork in hand and I just can't do it. I just can't bring myself to eat it because I know what it brings. If I don't throw it up, it sits in my stomach and the trauma emotions that come with that certain bodily feeling are not worth it. I know these times always pass and I say to myself that I haven't passed out or collapsed yet, I just need to wait for these weeks to have done their thing.
Another reason is that when I'm so exhausted by these times, the only thing keeping me going is my backup reserves. The only reason I believe I'm able to hold conversations and get on with work is that there is nothing in my stomach. No food, no blood. When you eat stomach, blood and energy in your body goes to your stomach to help you digest. If I eat something, my brain power drops to 50% and I get very tired and sluggish and can drop off, this is fine when I'm at home. But when there are people around, I can't stand to let my guard down like that. Also the feeling of doziness and lethargy, inability to think and move properly feels like I've been drugged and again the trauma emotions that come with that feeling are too strong for me to handle when I'm in these states.
There is a very minuscule part of me that enjoys the punishment of being so damn hungry, but it is tiny and is only there because in some small way, I feel I should suffer for the terrible mistakes I made and the awful things I did. But it's so small, it's like a grain of sand among mountains. But I'm not denying it's existence.
I'm aware that my food restriction is not healthy and a not so good way of dealing with my issues when I'm already so close to dropping the ball, but I have only recently started facing my PTSD properly with therapy and treatment and there will soon be a time when these measures are a distant memory.
This blog of Kati's is about, healing and sharing and creating understanding on subjects that hold much stigma and judgement. Whether my actions are right or wrong is irrelevant in this context, I'm simply answering the question when have you noticed self harm tendencies and can you share how they are related to your ptsd. I'm sharing my experience so that knowledge on the subject can grow and spread.
All my love and warm energies to anyone out there who is suffering mental illness, you're never alone and you're freaking champions for fighting this far.
Hi Kati, and anyone and everyone. I have/had binge eating disorder from about age 6. I didn't know it was an eating disorder or officially diagnosed until 4 years ago. I am 23, and I lost my mother at age 12. That was one of my biggest traumas I faced. I thought about six months before learning about my eating disorder that something was really wrong with me. I thought it had to do with health. I have since learned that I have PTSD. They have been together hand in hand for years. So I didn't really self diagnose myself.
I feel like I am unable to explode on anyone which makes me not know where to put all that anger, so there's just this thing boiling inside me... and I try to not complain about it to other people because I feel like I'm just going to annoy people with my problems. This video helped me realize that and puts some reasoning behind my urges to SH.
yes, it makes sense. I will see someone once they respond to me! I was thinking about talking to someone at my school or my doctor bcuz I'm running out of options with no one returning my calls or emails & there only being 2 in the area that specializes in eds keeps me low on options. My room mate has been on me all day about telling my parents but that is my last choice.we'll see I guess. You're awesome Kati. seriously if you or these videos werent here...I'd be in a baaad spot right now.
I self-harm and use my ED to punish myself, and maybe a little bit of anger inward. I think I discovered this last bit when I was in treatment and I said outright that "I never get angry." Later I learned that I do get angry, but internally at myself because there never was an outlet to vent my anger without judgement or fear of judgement. My trauma contributes to this because it tells me I deserve the self-harm and ED because the trauma was my fault.
I think this is such an informative video. It's especially good because I recognized a lot of shit (pardon my French) that I use as well from this video. I turn a lot of my anger inward, become depressed/suicidal, and then I used to punish myself through cutting. For a brief period after the first trauma, I would snap at anyone and everyone and couldn't control my anger. I got in so much trouble. It happens now and then (the outward anger) but not as frequently, thank god.
Hi, after 3 years of searching, here is a young lady who says it as it is. Says mostly what many experience and in a verbal language that is understandable . I am anorexic, not because I want to be thin ; but because the person who buys my food, I loathe. If I go out to eat, and rarely do .. due to economic reasons .. I eat like a hog ! Well done Jessica and Kati. YES.
pt2Then I wasn't able to hide behind the gymnastics excuse. So I started getting the third degree from my doctor and mom. So I started to eat a bit to get them off my back and then cut from the fear of what might happen after. But when the anxiety builds too much I go back to restricting.
As for talking to people at 3am. I find twitter to be quite helpful. :)
Responce to the final question in the video:
My self-harm/self-punishment is connected to my PTSD, BPD, and anger issues connected (I think) to my childhood diagnosis of ODD - I'm 27, so it's not a diagnosis I have anymore on paper, though I notice it (seemingly my ODD) pops up every so often still, and anger from my BPD.
To be honest, all of my disorders feed off of each other, so to speak, and intertwine. I can only identify two big life-related triggers/reasons for my behaviors.
When it's likely my PTSD and some of my self-hate symptoms from my BPD, I self-punish. On overly emotional days, where I can't pin-point specific events for my feelings if need to do this, I often notice a large umbrella reason of the fact that I simply exist in the world (often also there when I can more narrow events down for reasons). While it has never truly been voiced specifically, as I'm not even sure my family is aware they were doing this themselves through their behaviors, I have felt compared to my younger sister to the point of feeling entirely unwanted and replaced by her. "I'll never be good enough. I'm not worthy of this life," are thoughts that often run through my mind. I've honestly been chronically suicidal for 14 years of my life, though that has even more things behind that connected to having depression since I was a toddler, but that's another thing entirely. Part of my self-punishment, though, comes from being to afraid to attempt suicide, as odd as that may sound. "I'm not good at living, and I can't even follow through with this. I'm an ultimate failure," is the best way to explain that factor right now. "If I can't die for them, then I should at least suffer. They deserve better than me," add in for people who actually do care about me, "They just don't see how much easier life will be without me for them yet."
My best friend and her husband/my other friend are my roommates and know that I think this way and self-punish because of it. 99%-100% of my close friends all have similar struggles, so we do understand eachother and talk about this stuff on occasion.
With the restricting of food and some of the other things I will restrict myself from (example: not wearing a jacket in 30°F weather, restricting liquids, etc), on really stressful days with it, when it's at it worst and trying to fight the thoughts myself make the self-punishment thoughts stronger in the end, I will ask my roommates for "permission" to eat, drink, etc. I do know that I automatically have "permission" and they also know, though sometimes I need to voice why I'm asking, "is it okay to do this? Was I good?" to them or they'll over-worry about it. They work retail/pharmacy tech (so, crazy customers for 8-10 hrs most days. Lol) jobs and have anxiety and such too, so we all get scatter-brained with each others' "quirks" from time to time. They make sure I already know I don't need permission, as I do have some psychosis - referencing delusions right now, specifically - that can pop up when very very stressed. They'll just say, "yeah, you can do that." And/or "you don't need to ask, but yes." And it will re-assure me and lessen any guilt I may get if I try to push past my "mental illness brain" - as I call my illogical thoughts - with my "logical brain" - how I label the part of my mind that knows I'm sick and have a skewed way of thinking. I'm not sure if it's a "healthy" way to go about this, but it works for me right now. It's not perfect, obviously, but it helps.
As for my anger causing self-harm/punishment... when I get triggered to a certain point, my adrenaline will spike to physically painful levels. I generally can tell now when I shouldn't be around other people now, unlike when I was younger and would take out my anger on my sister. I try to not hurt other people by taking it out on myself instead, though most of this is walking and primal screams, I also do other - not so healthy - things. Not cutting or burning, but still rather self-violent things. This can be also connected to my PTSD and BPD as much as my other disorders. My sister has PTSD as well from growing up sickly and being in and out of hospitals, and has similar adrenaline rushes with it. The scary thing for me (with my own stuff) is how much damage I can cause from the strength the rush gives me. My sister and I go into to full fight mode, as if we just got thrown into a fight to the death, sometimes. When I had less of an understanding of how and why this happened to me, I easily crushed my sister's muscles in her arms in one hand...holding back. I gave her another source for her PTSD with this. We both understand eachother a bit better. We're both terrified of one another, but generally try to respect our space. We live sperately, so that helps, of course.
This internalizing of my anger is in the hopes to avoid breaking someone's neck in the heat of the moment. I NEVER want to hurt ANYONE like I used to again! Add in my dissociation (amnesia type), and I am TERRIFIED of what could happen if I ever truly lose control. That being said, I don't have anything I actively do to cope with this part of my self harm right now. I've had a great suggestion given to me from someone I've met that has similar violence issues that I want to try though. He uses a boxing bag to hit and get his anger out safely. I've been told a pillow growing up, but it doesn't have enough density to help lessen the actual adrenaline rush. Has anyone else delt with this? I'm curious to learn and try different coping skills for this type of self-harm motivator.
I self-harmed after an abuse-situation, because I was really losing it and couldn't find another way to let my anger and frustration out. But that was just the first few times. After that, I did it because I couldn't get myself to reach for help, so I wanted the people around me to notice how I felt inside, so that they could help me.
I don't know how I figured out, that this was related to the traumatic situation i had. I just did. I never self-harmed befor that incident, and I always wondered how someone could want to self-harm, until I also got to this point.
This was a great video, and I've always been curious about this topic... It does make me feel a little... Unworthy, I suppose, of the help I'm getting for my SH. I don't have any traumatic backstory, other people need this help more than I do.
hi so i guess this seems a little bit late but anyway. i use to self harm when i was in high school and even when i was out of school. for me it was a form of release. i come from a bit of an abusive home, step parents, crazy mom ect, and when i found myself in that space of just wanting to cut or hurt myself, it was because i needed an outlet. it was like there was so much hurt inside, i was so super sad, that it needed to come out somehow, and i couldnt talk to anyone, i was shy and embarrased and i came from a small tonw and i was scared people would talk. so i cut. it was making the inside pain, be outside pain, which is easier to deal with... so that was my reason..
My daughter cuts and that's how she explained it to me.
i love that you're outside! :)
the first and second one, especialii the second one sounds exactli like me. sleepless nights, anxiety etc.
Wow... this describes my the first 27 years of my life perfectly. I was sexual abuse as a child and raped as a teenager. I never told anyone and never got help till I was 27. This video explains everything. I didn't have a eating disorder or never self harmed but I had a serious anger issue and serve anxiety and sleeping issue. Thankx Kati.❤
I recently relapse on my eating disorder\ binge eat at night and hide it from my family and even from my friends .I am talking to my therapist now don't feel better going through PTSD symptoms with depression .
thank you for making these videos they have help me alot.I have been suffering with ednos for 9 years since i was elleven :( and i have never had any treatment there is not a lot of therapist in iceland that work with eating disorders :( I was wondering if you could make a video that shows what a normal person eats in a day because i have been sick for so long that i am not sure what is normal and what is restricting and thank you so much for these videos :)
I used to think that suicide was the only way sense that's what my father did. last year was the last time I self harmed, but I think about it all the time. I want to believe everything wasn't my fault but I do, sense my family never lets me forget. i moved out and into my boyfriends to help myself but none of my family listens. they just blame me for things or they are always putting me down. its hard when your family hates you and your boyfriends family cares more about you.
Ive coped with my anger by unconsciously and consciously starving myself.i thought it had gone away but it's not.im so fed up of this journey..it's been so long.
Since I was never good enough for that particular person. I could never do anything right according to her, I kind of slowly discovered that if I diet and get skinny I get nice feedback for that.
I’m recovered from anorexia by the way, now in recovery from the real trauma/abuse that I couldn’t cope with.
Thank you so much for making a video on PTSD. I guess my ED and SH are part of me trying to punish myself for the sexual abuse as I feel it was my fault and I deserve it. I am working through the trauma with a therapist and visiting the ED clinic, so hopefully I will get to a place where I do not feel the need to punish myself. Thanks again for this video.
What happens when you are so stuck with PTSD that your life become and never ending cicle with anxiety and depression and also hopelessness.
It helped me immensely to go to a PTSD specialist therapist. It was hard, so hard, but you can do it. I wish I’d done it years ago. It’s the best thing that’s helped me.🦋
You're personality somehow makesme laugh.... Education & a laugh? Wonderful ;)
Great video!
I felt that I wanted to punish my abusers but could not. I was also feeling suicidal but could not. The closest I could come was to inflict that damage on myself by burning and cutting. Somehow it seemed to help me feel more in control and less likely to attack someone. But the pressure only began to build again. Then once more I would return to the thing that made me feel alive and in control, knowing all the time that it would accomplish neither of these. But I had no better means or even another alternative.
I really appreciate the work you do with self harm. I would love to see more about it, but no matter what, your videos have helped me out. My issue more so is that I have a couple people to talk to about life and its struggles, but I don't know how the heck I am suppose to bring the topic up. Hey suicide is on my mind, let's call my best friend? DBT has pretty much saved my life. Anyone in the MA area, I have some good places/tips for you.
try all three of those lol
I know my ptsd and eating disorder are related. I was raped when I was 22, and that is when I started restricting, then got sick had to stop that. Anger has built and built inside me for years I am 35 now. I just want to hit something, smash something I don't know. If I had been a stronger person and I hadn't frozen in the moment I wouldn't hate myself so much. I gained a lot of weight and so I hated myself more so I started purging, and purging. I know I need help, but I am scared. I am scared of what is inside me, I blow up at people at the worst times.
i know exactly what you are talking about, i am the same way i am now 18 and it happened to me when i was 15 still trying to move on and i have really bad anxiety. i clench my jaw and get head aces as a result.
I am punishment and anger mix with self harm
the more i learn about my complex ptsd, the more i realize i have been lied to my entire life, and i was raised by a narcissist mother with 0 care about my childhood experience whatsoever. i never understood why literally my entire life since i was around 9-10 years old, i've struggled with major depressive disorder and suicidal feelings. i take it all out on myself with my eating disorder, but i really deeply hate the childhood i had because of my biological mother's selfishness. i have tried countless times to make a healthy relationship with her, but she refuses to acknowledge that she abused me and worse things. so i punish myself for refusing to accept her CONDITIONAL "love", which requires me to LIE TO MYSELF and my inner child's feelings and memories. i refuse to gaslight myself and make myself doubt what i remember feeling and experiencing. i punish myself by not eating because i used to be overweight and now that i lost around 40 lbs, i feel like i get treated with so much more attention/kindness/ interest, compared to before i ever thought about calories. because i choose to not accept this fake love from either of my biological parents, i feel very much like an orphan. i have no contact with family whatsoever, and i'm a first-generation college student at a big university. i punish myself for being lackluster to my parents (even though they do not deserve the title of being a parent). i hate myself for not being good enough, or worthy enough, to have been protected when i was a little girl. i was emotionally neglected my entire life and my father was a hardcore drug addict never around.
i keep punishing myself because whatever i fundamentally lacked in the eyes of my mother and father to not have been loved the way other girls are loved by their parents,, i can make up for now. i can control feeling loved. i imagine being overweight again, and i feel like my life would be over because i would become a failure, another disappointment (but not surprising anyone). i feel so unseen and hurt, that i'm using my body as a tool to bring feelings of being "good" and "worth" something. i feel like a treasure when my clothing sizes drop, when my weight drops, and when my weight loss becomes noticeable.
i know this sounds so bad but i feel like its important i share my experiences here as i was diagnosed with MDD, Complex PTSD, and atypical anorexia, and if anyone can relate or feel anything i say here, that means a lot. I recognize that my main motive in my eating disorder is to feel loved and wanted. Every time i eat, it feels like i'm getting further and further away from the possibility of anyone ever loving me, especially my parents. it creates a lot of pressure.
i've been doing a lot of photos as my ed has been getting worse/ i am engaging in the behaviors more frequently and intensely, and i have such a strong urge to send my mom pics of my ribcage showing to show her how bad she hurt me.
all i want is a true, genuine apology, and her being a narcissist truly having ASPD, she does not care. knowing that, my next most huge factor motivating my eating disorder is the idea of grabbing my mom's attention by losing weight. she used to have an ed i think, when i was younger she would compare our wristbones next to each other when i was in the front seat, and she said something about how she liked her wristbone. it now sounds like anorexia to me. she denies ever having struggled with an eating disorder, but some things i cannot see any other way now that i have anorexia myself.
before moving to college, when i lost 30 lbs , she would compliment me and remark how little i looked. then, we went clothes shopping for move-in day, and she said how "tiny" i was wearing a small size shirt. i think when i lose weight, i see her approval and not love, but maybe short-term attention.
because i realize she does not love me the way a true, loving mother loves her daughters, i seek revenge to her sexual, physical and mental abuse and neglect by showing her what i'm doing to myself, and her worry would motivate me more to lose weight because of this:
-she had no regard for my life or happiness my entire childhood, exposing me to tons of trauma and never helping me process any of it, or genuinely apologizing for putting me through that. now, i use my body to use the same tactics she used treating me (complete neglect and disregard, carelessness, no empathy, dragged me into horrible places around dangerous people and did things in front of me i shouldn't have seen). now, i feel like i am reversing the pain back onto her by hurting myself BY CHOICE, in the same way she did, but this time i am not a victim. i am in control and i savor that to the ends of my existence.
I did not kno my PTSD was effecting my ED, but after I thought bout it i realized yea it does good video
i struggle with self harm and now i got all these scars,but i cant stop...
+Kat Lyons I feel so sad for you. A trigger could be unconscious(too painful) a smell, a sound, a similar situation. Always try to concentrate on your breathing firstly. Deep slow easy breaths in and out. About 5-10 breaths. Then try to observe colors, shapes, objects, sounds all in your present environment. That is what I call becoming present and becoming grounded. Have you ever been to a psychologist? One most likely can help you. Explore talk therapy along with EMDR. Make sure your therapist is well trained and experienced in administering EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Repolerization) I highly recommend EMDR for helping PTSD. They use it with war veterans with PTSD also.
I think my eating disorder really stemmed out of 2 different traumas at different times in my life, and I had different flares following each of the events. After my dad died when I was 12, I withdrew from my mother, and she did the same with me, as she was also struggling to cope. It was pretty slow at first, but eventually I was using it as a way I felt control over my life since I had no control over previous situations. I also felt a lot of responsibility because I was the one that found him, and so it was a way of punishing myself for that, kind of like slowly committing suicide. Later, when I was 18, 3 of my friends and I almost died in a horrific car accident. I was the one driving, and though the accident wasn’t my fault, I felt responsible. The accident left me permanently disabled, and a lot of anger and high came along with that. I was bed bound for months and on tons of medications, so no one really noticed that I was slipping deep into depression and was suffering from horrible nightmares and visions from PTSD. I definitely turned inward, and my anxiety was at an all time high. I had no control over my recovery, so my eating disorder was worse than ever, which made recovery come to a grinding halt. I lost tons and tons of weight and had a really warped body image. I’d like to say that I’ve now recovered, but truthfully I haven’t. There have been other, smaller traumas that have compounded other ones, and I have a really serious flare at least once every 4 or so months. I think I use my disorder as kind of a “cop out suicide” because for me, it’s essentially a manifestation of my suicidal thoughts that I don’t have to take ownership of
I really appreciate you sharing your raw and authentic emotions. Your last comment was so deep and really hit home with me because you are really allowing people to see your inner true self. I really appreciate it!!
Kati!! I'm at work watching this and I busted out laughing several times, you're so funny and real! I can't post how its related right now bcuz I'm on my phone but I will soon. I was diagnosed with pstd when I was 16 so all of what you said makes sense. (: oh love that your outside btw!!
I used self-harm** as a punishment, and disordered eating* as a form of control.
*restricting by making it “perfect” nutritionally with all my essential vitamins and minerals, with the minimal amount of calories possible
*cutting, with scalpel blades, in “beautiful” lines that had to be symmetrical and perfectly straight, and if I ever messed up, I had to make the other side a mirror image
My ptsd is connected with my (self diagnosed as of last week) “ed” because my dad used to scream at me about how I’m eating too much and I don’t care about how much everyone else eats. I’m driving him broke and it’ll be my fault when everyone’s hungry. I was on steroids after my brain surgery at 13. I gained 50 pounds bc of the steroids and I couldn’t get over the fact that I was finally able to eat big amounts again and not eat barely any hospital food everyday anymore but my moms wonderful cooking. I understand why he said it and my response to it now. I just don’t know what to do with that info and how to get help. I need another therapist Idfk how my others didn’t realize this.
Hi👋🏻 I’m fifteen and I was raped this past summer. Ever since, it’s been very hard to put food in my mouth and swallow it.. to me, it feels like I don’t want anything inside my body even if it’s food because I know that isn’t going to replace what was taken from me. I don’t want anything else to be inside me ever again.
i really appreciate your raw and authentic emotion
I kind of forget to eat for long period of times, and then I realise I haven't eaten in days but I can't make the hunger come back. Sometimes I eat a little easier when I am with someone I love and they feed me. But I live alone, and it's like the rest of the time I don't deserve food. I hate myself so much for so many reasons, it's really hard to feed my body, because I don't deserve it. I'm not good enough.
its not too confusing!
i used to see my mom and dad argue and fight which traumatized me at a young age and now i live with my grandparents and i'm scared to tell them about that situation and now i self harm and get angry super easily and i cry. i never fall asleep easily anymore and i have a mixture of not eating and eating way too much and i think i'm fat. i haven't seen me therapist since December of 2018 and i want to be able to go back but i'm too nervous.
I feel like the real and actual and humorous side of me is invisible.
Its fear in general that almost causes me to. " feel" dead to him
(The audience of ONE)
I am not thinking about my physical body. I almost already FEEL
gone
I only hurt myself once a long time ago. I have cptsd and INFP. I eat when I'm bored. When I'm anxious I eat so I feel full and can sleep. Maybe to release endorphins associated. I was staved during childhood abuse and had extra condition that if I got caught stealing food I had to watch him choke my sister until she was purple. I was 10 then I'm 46 now
my “traumatic” experience was my crush like my best friend and it made me so insecure i lost my appetite for everything and fell into a depression but i don’t think it’s an ed.
I've been in therapy for 20 years...I've been anorexic and I've binge eated repeatly. I'd ask my therapist WHY AM I DOING THIS???? Do you know I never ever got an answer...until I watched your videos TODAY....ty soooo much ❤
hi kati i only started cutting myself when i began to open up. it was the worst and everyone carried on but i couldnt i didnt know how???? i seen counsilors etc. felt blame too which i had since for ever. things are not as bad but i need more help so im greatfull for your site. my anger, where do i store it i keep quite and i guess keep it in.
that caption tho 😂
„......events such as
Assault
Domestic Abuse
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.
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Kati Morton, LMFT“
I'm a bit late lol, but I just realized that my self harm helps me to release the pain from years of sexual abuse. Not an excuse, and it's something I am working very hard on to not do, but there are times were I do get lost.
Okay, thanks Kati. It's just so hard. My dad didn't know, and my stepmom had to tell him because I couldn't tell him by text. He was so upset. And he blames himself:'(
Okay thanks for your help. I'm not even sure it's rosacea..I just keep getting really flushed and blotchy cheeks. So embarrassing:/ xxx
So, in theory, martial arts training is a good way to knock depression out？
1. It lets you throw jabs and hooks to someting (sandbag) or someone (sparring), and you can learn the right way to do so, not harming yourself (a ferocious bare-handed cross to the wall=100% boxer's fracture) or someone else.
2. I mean, the VERY right way, right enough to cause serious damage when you were really wanted to. So not only it can let anger out in a right way, it can also build your strength (both physically and mentally) to smack the shit out of that bastard who did something really bad to you.
3. Doing sports can release some “good” substances which make you feel nice.
I feel like cutting is a way for me to take my mental pain away for a little while and make it physical instead. it makes me feel in control of my pain.
Hey I have PTSD and an ED. One of the things I struggle with is feeling dirty. I get physical flashbacks where I can feel the abuse over and over and over again on my body and I need to purge/sh/binge etc. to feel clean...to be able to sit in my skin again, if even for a little longer. How can I feel clean when I feel it happening? Even if I know it's not? And it comes out of nowhere. Thanks for this video...and for you!
That happened to my friend. He's parents were drug addicts and his father was very physically abusive. That's when he started cutting, when he's Dad went into recovery so he wasn't getting hit anymore but he thought he still deserved a 'punishment'. My friend came back from inpatient and I want to help. How should I?
How do you know if you have PTSD?
If you've been abused , but not dealt with it in or out of therapy
and your an angry person dose that mean you can have it.
Dose smell and touch triggers count, what about nightmares related to it?
Could excessive guilt be "punishment"?
yes.
What is the difference between anger in and self punishing?
i had no idea these went hand in hand
I really need to work on my relationship with food and I am not going let him continue to hurt me.
What if I do all three?
I think I have PTSD from cutting. Because I never knew it was wrong and when I hear people talking about it or showing me cuts or I smell blood. I have a panic attack
i dont know for sure if i have ptsd.. i had ocd as a kid - serious family problems at the time. after two years it went then it came back recently in a difrent form but i dont know if i would say i was traumatised :/.. & i'm not sure how it relates to my ocd. fear of not being good enough - meeting society's standards of being tiny and beautiful? i dunno.
So what about just plain old fear playing a role in SH and trauma? The "anger in", "anger out, and "punishing self" don't seem to fit me. I am always terrified of everyone and thing and I think I use SH to control that .... Does that still somehow go back to the three things you discussed or can fear be by itself?
I found you looking for answers, I’m confused even more and have found some answers. How do I stop? They put me on medications for ptsd the same as veterans I have cptsd and ptsd. My therapist is great unfortunately we are both at a loss because what I went through was extreme. I don’t even realize I’m doing what I’m doing