Toxic Strategies in Love Relationships (Science with Sue, Episode 3)

It's very hard for most of us to really grasp how we threaten our lover by simply by staying silent or distant. We shut down to protect ourselves or to try to stop conflict, but it so often backfires.
Watch to find out why this happens and what you need to be aware of if you stonewall your partner.
In the comments, let me know what you think.
#sciencewithsue
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Let’s reach “Safe and Sound” together.
Thanks for watching!
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In this video, I mention:
- Stonewalling
- Distressed couples and repair of conflicts
- Hold Me Tight
The studies regarding stonewalling I refer to in the video are all found summarised in:
Gottman, John M. (1993) What predicts divorce: the relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. New York, NY: Psychology Press.
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ABOUT
Dr. Sue Johnson is a leading innovator in the fields of couple therapy and adult attachment. She is the primary developer of Emotionally Focused Couples and Family Therapy (EFT), which has demonstrated its effectiveness in over 30 years of peer-reviewed clinical research. Sue’s received numerous awards acknowledging her development of EFT, including the APA’s “Family Psychologist of the Year” in 2016 and the Order of Canada in 2017.
Her best-selling book Hold Me Tight (2008) has taught countless couples how to enhance and repair their love relationships. The book since has been developed into an interactive relationship enhancement program, Hold Me Tight Online. Her newest book for clinicians, Attachment Theory in Action (2018), delineates the promise of attachment science for understanding and repairing relationships.
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[@sethtenrec]

These videos are so brilliant, criminally under-viewed.

[@HudSouza]

Thank you so much for sharing all your knowledge Dr. Sue, you're one of my biggest inspirations.

[@lenoredavi6137]

Growing up in (an often abusive) religious enviroment, l was taught that to shut my mouth, turn the other cheek and walk away from people rather than answering back, explaining or defending myself was a sign of respect..... (although lntuitively it felt wrong.) l have been binge watching your videos for a few days now, and l can't help wondering how different my life would be if l had learned the skills you teach instead.... lt seems that my desire to do the " right thing" by keeping quiet and "respectfully" walking away has probably contributed to my losing many valued relationships/friendships over the years. So glad to have discovered your channel.... l've already ordered a copy of your textbook about working with trauma. What a amazingly life changing way to start the new decade!

[@rp6582]

Thank you. It makes sense, indeed. To me. I hope I can get my partner to understand this. Or at least watch.

[@namasteavl]

How does this apply to abusive relationships? Where anything you try and say, even asking for a timeout, only elicits more rage and hurtful behavior towards the partner who is trying to express their thoughts and engage in a healthy dialogue? If one needs to disengage and emotionally shut down in an attempt to protect their inner selves from pain that their partner, whom they love and trust, is bestowing on them... is that still considered stonewalling?

[@DrSueJohnson]

I guess the other person might see this as stonewalling - but the term isn’t usually used re: abusive relationships, where there are particular dynamics, but it's usually used to describe conflict in general.

[@sethtenrec]

Dr Sue gave you the scientific answer, but there’s a practical answer as well, which hopefully you have discovered by now…get out of this relationship.