The science behind how close relationships change your life | Elizabeth Gillespie | TEDxCU
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- Опубликовано: 23 авг 2024
- Our experience of relationships usually moves between two extremes: our need for them is biologically hard wired and most of us find them difficult, and at times, impossible. Elizabeth helps us hold the tension between the two. As a couple's therapist, she knows that relationships are essential to our well-being. As a human being, she struggles just like everyone else. Elizabeth reassures us that we aren’t alone and offers a path forward in our universal search for connection.
Elizabeth is a licensed couple and family therapist, and owns a private group practice in Lafayette, CO. She has spent the last 14 years studying the treatment of couples through the lens of attachment, using evidence-based models to heal trauma both within and between her clients. With a masters in education, she also loves teaching and training adults as they support children in a variety of settings. She is passionate about learning and connecting with others, and finds great joy in supporting others as they do the same. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
I'm one of those "alone" people. Both parents are passed. My only sibling lives 600 miles away. I've been divorced twice, no children. Several of my friends have passed. I have no boyfriend. My friends that are still alive are so busy with their own lives and issues that they cannot be bothered with me and mine. There's a lot of "self-talk" that goes on in my house. I talk to God when I get overwhelmed. I've accepted the fact that I'll likely die alone and nobody will notice that I'm missing until I don't show up at work. My cell phone rarely rings, and when it does, it's a friend telling me all about their life and problems but when I begin to share my problems they "have to go" and the call ends.
Yes, humans need to feel close to SOMEBODY. Human touch has been known to improve the health of preemie babies.
I cannot tell you how long it's been since someone has touched me, whether it's a hug or holding my hand.
Try going to church and connecting there.
ohh... a bit sad to hear your... on going life..
re check on your hobbies.
try to check on to people with common interests.
look within yourself.
take care.
God bless.
Consider moving to a bigger city and get a dog where you'll walk and meet people. I'm very close to your situation. I'm on my third dog now, at age 61, and I live in Manhattan, now for 22 years.
It's another world having a dog in a walkable city. I've met and maintained best friends through dogs. Run, don't walk, to change your situation and change your life.
What about joining a team sport? That could be nice to get out and see some people. And why don't you adopt a pet?
Agree😀
A common misconception in todays society is that we can “do it all alone”.
But what if we were never meant to? We need each other. 💜
😇
Thank you! ❤ I've been hearing the other end for too long!
Fully agree
This is so true.
There is no "meant to"... other than we are meant to find happiness. Whether you're with someone or without someone... Whether you are social or non-social.. if you are rich or poor... No matter where you are in life if you can feel loved from the universe your consciousness will be raised.
Powerful message on a topic that I’ve been struggling throughout my life….now I know it’s ok to struggle and have this fear…it’s just part of the process of maintaining close relationships 👐
One of the hallmarks of American culture is this idea that being independent is virtuous. The idea that people need other people to survive is some sort of weakness is very alive in this society. It isolates Americans and can drive them to despair. It's no wonder we have such violent outbursts by our citizens. There is no other developed countries where we see the types of violent acts that we have here. Elizabeth failed to point out how familial relationships can fill in gaps with people who are not getting security from a partner. Again, in many cultures, family fills these needs, but is discouraged in American society. I've never heard the idea that kids should leave the home when they turn 18 from any other culture. It seems to me that in this country we need to look at what we deem as healthy independence and consider if we are not just slowly destroying ourselves.
I’m one who loves being alone with my 2 dogs and 3 cats. I lose my anchoring to myself when another human is with me.
yes, coz, like me, you are extremely sensitive!!
God, this one really hits home, everything she said is true. I'm sobbing IRL.
Kian, you are not alone. I am sobbing too. USA
Sobbing 3
Powerful and reassuring talk. Only 30% of the time you need to get it right to maintain a close relationship.
What a hypnotic speech,,, the way she delivered , made the speech so intense yet so soothing!
I've found Meetup groups to be very helpful to meet people who have similar interests like walking, hiking, attending movies or lectures, trying new restaurants, and many other activities. Also, you can decide if you want to meet someone outside a Meetup activity. I met my best friend through Meetup!
Me too! Thank you for posting this.
As a person, who has not had an real love relationship ever, it is always hard to hear about the importance of close relationsships.
I am looking forward to when I can find enough trust in me to try in it.
Its about first being vulnerable and facing the risk of being hurt. If you cant put that into the factor its not gonna work.
I celebrate my friendship relationships too 🥰 we have so many relationships in life, not only the romantic kind! ♥️
Yea, I think a lot of it is luck, too. You can't always just make something happen cuz you want it and work toward it and are open. Unfortunately, but that's just the way it is.
How awesome is this!
Thanks. Saved it to my favorites and sent it to my partner.
Will watch it over and over to remind me: " It is worth it!".
Thanks, again.
In-need-of-a-relationship-gang...where ya at?
Hi
Hi from the USA/Ohio.
Mee
I was desperate to have relationship because I knew how important it is. But then I realized I just abandoned my own emotions thinking someone would carry that burden for me.
So I need to resolve it myself, I shouldn't wait for anyone.
Big time. Hey from Ga!
I LOVE this talk. Elizabeth holds the tension between these two truths. We need each other, and yet the vulnerability in this knowing is our hardest work Thank you for sharing your truths with such humor and honesty!
I think her point is that wanting relationships is not being codependent.
Yea, I think that was the best part of the talk. Society has this all screwed up.
ive never been irate over a birthday present 🤣
Her voice is so calming 😊
brah, thats ez
It's important for us to know ourselves and to be good to ourselves first because at the end of the day all we have is ourselves we really can't depend on someone else for love and dependability so if we know us for us we can never be let down
I agree Josie.
I'm hoping for a closecrelationshio one day. It's just that it's hard and infulence saying you can do this by yourself. It's like looking into a void and is alone. I dont see these discussions talked about that often. This gave me comfort ❤
I am 21 y and live Most of Time „socially vegan“
Love spending time alone & With other people
I can do both but for now i prefer beeing on my own
People who have gone through bitter divorces may not agree with this speaker.
Remarkable person reading this.. It’s going to get better; all it is a season of opportunity to grow and be better than before. Challenging times are meant to strengthen us, not to break us. Success doesn’t define to what happened to us; it is how we choose to deal with our circumstances. The more you grow and develop as an incredible person as you are, the more things will change for the better. Forgive more (for you), be grateful for even the smallest things (we have it way better than someone else), choose love over ego, choose humility over ego (humility is strength), and finally, invest into new skills so that your future self will thank you. Our lives will change forever the more we grow. Be thankful for the challenges for we know something greater is coming. Love you always - Nathalie ✨❤️
I love this so so much. This is so very insightful, motivating and comforting all at the same time.
Thank you so much !
This is couples therapy ❤❤❤❤
Thanks a lot from the bottom of my heart for this knowledge and awareness Ted talk
I can't relate to this at all. I live alone by choice. Had not so good relationships in the beginning and just chose to be satisfied with me living a solitary life and I've never regretted it. I get a lot of messages from the world that I should regret it but I don't one bit. I love my life. I'm very much alone and I love it. I have very little dependence on anyone outside of me for regulation. Although there is some. I think people who want to throw a blanket over everyone are looking for something that isn't there. The human condition is diverse. I love who I am and I love my life alone. I've dealt with any sadness I've ever had and have not pushed it down. But walk through it and come out a very independent and happy person. She sounds like she's incouraging dependence on others where there doesn't have to be dependence. Some people are independent. She doesn't seem to realize that.
I dont like ppl either. But i stil want to learn to bio hack to get some of the health benefits.
Do you have a dog or cat? Just curious...i recently lost my dog😥she was 13 and had a good life. Miss her so much!
@@loisjaeger9059 Hi @Lois Jaeger, I'm sorry for your loss. Dogs definitely rock! :)
Thanks so much Marie
Well she’s a licensed therapist so 🤷♂️
Excellent 👍
I am going through a split. I've been in a loveless relationship for 15 years but we had a daughter together so I stuck it out. Now... I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I am an extremely giving guy but now after this failed marriage I feel like I have too much baggage. I mean, my future ex never liked affection. Holding hands was a no-go. No cuddling. No kissing. No hugging. And she was never happy with flowers or most other gifts. I feel drained and defeated. If I were to move on to another person what would I have to offer? I wouldn't even know how to treat her. Would she be patient with me while I learn what is acceptable all over again? Can I hug her? How do I hug her? I would want to hold her hand all the time but can I? How do I kiss her and when or where is it acceptable? So many things. I want to love. I want to be with some who returns the love and kindness I'd give them. I am a very loving person but I feel like I have too much baggage now. If I met someone I click with so well what would I have to offer her?
FINALLY someone said it out loud. Thank you!! I always thought I was alone in all of this..
Much love to you girl thank you ❤️🙏☀️🌙
2022(G) “Respect and dignity.” Furthermore:
Co-regulation has been absent in my life for almost 30 years. I can regulate on my own, but it takes strategy and strength.
same for me. partners take more stamina.
Wait a second …. I ask if I’m “too much” quickly. Kinda throw it out there. Cuz it seemed to be truth
Good Talk
Insightful and warmly presented
Brilliant.
Quito-Ecuador 🇪🇨
2022
💜 that was awesome. thumbs up!
What is the optimal number of "close relationships" (as depicted in this talk)?
It depends. If you have 4 siblings chances are you cannot have a close relationship with all of them.
This might be true for most people, but not for everyone! Being alone can be your destiny, your purpose in this life and it can be healthy too.
Even when you didn't choose it, even when you tried to keep friends and get a family, but you always were disappointed or you had to split from toxic people. That was a godd thing, that was meant to be. Or even more when strange things happened, that always felt like something else or someone else interfered, like always having bad luck, even though you know you are relatable and lovable. There can be a higher meaning. Maybe the purpose in this life is to become strong being alone and work on yourself and even get rid of some karma. And it can be healthy and true and meaningful.
For example in stoicism you can learn to be happy, no matter of what the external world doesn't offer to you. You can't change that. If you focus on your own life and what you can change, you can be happy. Get some wisdom from Seneca, Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus right here on RUclips.
Wow good job!
Is this how I've stayed married for 27 years now 😲🥰🥰
Fabulous beyond
wow very cool
here we go again. something i’ve always known and people think i’m weird . 🤦🏼♀️
Stress isn't a bad emotion. Stress helps you change. Closeness with human beings is difficult to find. And the belief we need human relationships to be happy & fulfilled, including friends - is old, outdated, & wrong. You want to develop a relationship/closeness? Adopt animals, including a dog. And find a career you enjoy.
☘️☘️ awesome ☘️☘️
Get a dog!!
best friend is my dog.
How I am supposed to sleep after this talk😒
Amazing
I hear it but all I see is Drew Barrymore
🤣
Gabor Mate also talks about the need for closeness and connection. Check out his videos too.
I am not sure what percentage of people have a close relationship as she defined.
Can't see anything
Wow.....
😀 😃 🙂 👍
Love in your life for Jesus is love and love is life in the grace of our savior. God bless you
If u are Brazilian, pls, don’t make the joke that all of us are thinking know
Chasing ideals, ideals that will never be fulfilled. My wife creates stress and is angry all the time. Should have been divorced decades ago and got a dog. All my friends and most family are dead.
It’s never too late to start fresh and be hsppy, if you really feel that way.
Did you ever find out why she is angry?.
There has to be a reason for that.
I have been married for three decades and recently found out that my spouse has given most of his money to someone else.
Any advice???
😆 I guess we got it wrong (My partner & I). The speaker is a therapist! W O W...
After more Than three decades... we are still associates... To think that our Friendship is longer....
What a Quack...
I don't understand you. Can you explain further please. I am also married 3 decades...
What s the point? I did t get it
.... relationships arrn t easy?? 🙄
When the Palestinians and the Israelis have found a way to get along with each other, then we might be on the road to the ideals she expressed.
Or maybe when the attorneys who do divorce proceedings and family law have gone out of business.
Until then, it’s better to have a Plan B than to expect too much out of anyone in particular.
Jesus can change your life ❤️✝️
no he cant
Jesus a dream. Lol
Jesus can't do anything cuz he is just prophet and he's not a god or son of god to know the truth about jesus you have to read Quran (the right book ever)
@@fonexfonex3192 thats right
Too much said with too little details. Found nothing new for me
I think what she is saying is total rubbish.
If you are lucky enough to have a partner then talk to them!!!? Duh!
Deus pátria família liberdade.
Bolsonaro o melhor presidente do Brasil e do mundo inteiro!
Rachadinha, compra superfaturada de vacinas ou vacinas que nunca foram entregues, barras de ouro para pastores, promessas nunca cumpridas. É isso, Bolsonaro 2022!