I am a former AP and now I am completely secure and healthily dating. This one line from my therapist changed my entire life: "When you're dating, pretend that they are trying out to be a part of your team. Not the other way around." This takes the people pleasing out of it while remaining pleasant and warm (and not interview-y) toward them. Hope that helps someone!
How can I spot an FA early in dating? I am working on myself and trying to heal my own issues, but I really don't want to put myself to that turbulence again. I have anxious tendencies, leaning to secure, so I find earlier parts of dating more challenging.
I'm FA leaning DA, I never actively date. On your question I was once really burned by an FA friend who ended the friendship abruptly and ghosted me after over a decade of really close connection. I didn't know about attachment theory back then, now I've been thinking back if there was some way I could've known in the beginning. I think the only clear typical for many FA trait she showed (not towards me but towards others) even from the beginning was spite, spiteful remarks, spiteful judgment towards people disagreeing with her, and also a tendency to fight rather than flight or freeze in almost all conflict situations and to put the fault at the other person, not herself. Not sure if this is a general FA thing, and I am very strongly FA myself, just thought I'd add this in case anyone has similar experiences. As an FA this is now how I would root out another FA, if I wanted to avoid them ;)
I’m FA and becoming more and more secure ! I believe that the only way we don’t attract what we don’t want in our reality, is to feel and heal what it is, it’s brining up ! Once we have done that, we are no longer attracted to it, even if it shows up in our reality ☺️ so maybe learning to self soothe no matter what you feel, (so that you feel safe within your body, no matter what) is perhaps what you are looking for, rather than your focus being on them ? Let me know if this resonates with you 🥰
@@awakening-games excellent, it does! as long as I have strong anxious tendencies, FAs would be on my energy radars, you are right! That said, lots of people dating apps I suspect have avoidance or anxiety tendencies, so still also good to know the signs too:)
Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it
Thank you for this, Thais! I love all your content and been following you for some time now. Not sure if you’ve done this in your past videos but I just thought of it as you were telling the story about the book, you should do a book recommendation video! 📚❤
I find that is insecure styles need to really take all the sparks and chemistry out of our relationships. Maybe the secure folks have the luxury of "falling in love", we don't. Our approach to relationships has to be very detached and almost analytical. We can't leave it to feelings and intuition to guide us. Our urges are not wired for connection or intimacy so they are useless.
Agreed. In fact I was thinking about a similar thought a few days ago. Like, love for me, isn't possible. At least not how I see it. The only love I have a shot at is detached. Almost artificial.
Unfortunately i have to agree on that, If you want a long lasting relationship as an insecure you have to be as calculating as possible and not think about love and attraction much
@@eoKingNoodle Same here! I've almost trained myself to remember that effort is sexy. Men (or women) that put equal effort into the relationship who are secure, consistent, and reliable are sexy. Used to fall head over heels and gravitate toward the mysterious, intellectual, detached types. I find that incredibly unappealing and unattractive now. A switch just flipped where I was over it almost overnight.
For me, as an AP, I couldn't get to the point where it feels right to even have a conversation about what I wanted. Having a conversation about that, in itself, indicates that we are already in a relationship, which I knew we weren't at yet. So its hard. Dating and being in a relationship can be very different from each other.
Most commendable to describe what a healthy relationship can look like, instead of attracting your audience by making them feel in need of a treatment.
Could you please stop using abbreviations when you speak. AP FA SA DA. We're not professionals. We don't have these memorized. Other than that I think you're fascinating.
lmagine doing therapy on these matters to hundreds of people, and then giving us these hundreds of free videos on top. Would you not be tired?:) l understand you but its only fair if we do a bit of work too and learn just 4 abbreviations. My thoughts at least
I am a former AP and now I am completely secure and healthily dating. This one line from my therapist changed my entire life: "When you're dating, pretend that they are trying out to be a part of your team. Not the other way around." This takes the people pleasing out of it while remaining pleasant and warm (and not interview-y) toward them. Hope that helps someone!
This changes everything, thank you! Oh my, my last smug ass DA wouldn't have stood a chance :D
How can I spot an FA early in dating? I am working on myself and trying to heal my own issues, but I really don't want to put myself to that turbulence again. I have anxious tendencies, leaning to secure, so I find earlier parts of dating more challenging.
I'm FA leaning DA, I never actively date. On your question I was once really burned by an FA friend who ended the friendship abruptly and ghosted me after over a decade of really close connection. I didn't know about attachment theory back then, now I've been thinking back if there was some way I could've known in the beginning. I think the only clear typical for many FA trait she showed (not towards me but towards others) even from the beginning was spite, spiteful remarks, spiteful judgment towards people disagreeing with her, and also a tendency to fight rather than flight or freeze in almost all conflict situations and to put the fault at the other person, not herself.
Not sure if this is a general FA thing, and I am very strongly FA myself, just thought I'd add this in case anyone has similar experiences. As an FA this is now how I would root out another FA, if I wanted to avoid them ;)
I’m FA and becoming more and more secure ! I believe that the only way we don’t attract what we don’t want in our reality, is to feel and heal what it is, it’s brining up ! Once we have done that, we are no longer attracted to it, even if it shows up in our reality ☺️ so maybe learning to self soothe no matter what you feel, (so that you feel safe within your body, no matter what) is perhaps what you are looking for, rather than your focus being on them ?
Let me know if this resonates with you 🥰
Here you go!
ruclips.net/video/q4yo9Hyg3YU/видео.html
@@awakening-games excellent, it does! as long as I have strong anxious tendencies, FAs would be on my energy radars, you are right! That said, lots of people dating apps I suspect have avoidance or anxiety tendencies, so still also good to know the signs too:)
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool thanks a lot for all your work
Love the secure content! it gives a good blueprint!
This beautiful woman is a gift from God! Everything from my past, makes sense!
Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it
@DailamiPuang her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE,and she is a great spiritual adviser as well as caster
Thank you for this, Thais! I love all your content and been following you for some time now. Not sure if you’ve done this in your past videos but I just thought of it as you were telling the story about the book, you should do a book recommendation video! 📚❤
I find that is insecure styles need to really take all the sparks and chemistry out of our relationships. Maybe the secure folks have the luxury of "falling in love", we don't. Our approach to relationships has to be very detached and almost analytical. We can't leave it to feelings and intuition to guide us. Our urges are not wired for connection or intimacy so they are useless.
I agree, the minute I feel any attraction to someone I just know he's DA..
Agreed. In fact I was thinking about a similar thought a few days ago. Like, love for me, isn't possible. At least not how I see it. The only love I have a shot at is detached. Almost artificial.
Unfortunately i have to agree on that, If you want a long lasting relationship as an insecure you have to be as calculating as possible and not think about love and attraction much
@@eoKingNoodle Same here! I've almost trained myself to remember that effort is sexy. Men (or women) that put equal effort into the relationship who are secure, consistent, and reliable are sexy. Used to fall head over heels and gravitate toward the mysterious, intellectual, detached types. I find that incredibly unappealing and unattractive now. A switch just flipped where I was over it almost overnight.
@@paige8361 Please infect me with this as well, I want my switch flipped like that too :D
This was sooooooooooooo helpful and enlightening!!!!! infinite thanks :D
For me, as an AP, I couldn't get to the point where it feels right to even have a conversation about what I wanted. Having a conversation about that, in itself, indicates that we are already in a relationship, which I knew we weren't at yet. So its hard. Dating and being in a relationship can be very different from each other.
But how do you ever get into a relationship if you don’t say what you want? ( or at least know what you want ..)
I feel exactly like this too! I'm FA leaning DA.
Dating non exclusively is when you should have the conversations, NOT after you are exclusive
Your works and passion to help us are priceless!!
Am very greatfull❤
What is your experience with this? Comment below!
Thank you so much.
Most commendable to describe what a healthy relationship can look like, instead of attracting your audience by making them feel in need of a treatment.
I'm secure and I can totally agree with everything Thais said. Describes me exactly.
Excellent
Thais, ur a god-send - thanks for sharing your professional gifts with us.
I hate dating i meet so many freaks omg, i just want to meet my forever person, im drained 😢
What is the title of the original webinar in pds? I would like to listen to the full version
I didn't catch how much to text and call in the beginning?
Saw your facebook page.
Love ❤ this. Thank you
This is good..
Could you please stop using abbreviations when you speak. AP FA SA DA. We're not professionals. We don't have these memorized.
Other than that I think you're fascinating.
lmagine doing therapy on these matters to hundreds of people, and then giving us these hundreds of free videos on top. Would you not be tired?:) l understand you but its only fair if we do a bit of work too and learn just 4 abbreviations. My thoughts at least