Wow I came across this in perfect timing. I've been taking care of neighbors and finally said No today bc I'm just not well. I've been sick for 10 months and simply didn't have the energy. Well I didn't just get someone angry. She actually went off and listed off all the "things" she's done for me. I finally learned recently about boundaries and that I've been over extending myself and walking on eggshells for most of my life. And I wasn't ever happy and the people I thought I was helping I was really just preventing them to help themselves. Thank you for this seminar!!! It reaffirmed what I needed to hear.
I have been doing this with some ppl most of my Life***& @ 67.5 yrs. young learning 2 terminate relationships that aren't GIVE-N-TAKE. It's all their way or the Highway mentality. I now give myself permission to say.. "NO"..I do not need or want this person in my life..BECAUSE..They are self-serving, self-interested (narcissistic) & REALLY don't give a SHIT what's happening in your life.
The first five minutes of this are funny😂. Then from 8:47 minutes in, it's gold. The book is absolutely amazing and it changed my life. If you aren't Christian, just ignore the religious parts -- it is just as valuable without them. Although, if you are Christian, he really synthesizes the bible with the ideas of boundaries well.
I waited waaay too long to really dig into your teachings on boundaries. I'm here now and this is saving my life from total self destruction!!! Thank you so so much!
Thank you again Dr Townsend. Your book Boundaries is amazing, a classic. It should be read by everyone, as we all need help underneath. Life-changing. And thank you for this great, great video talk too.
I saved this in the "Watch Later" to see now and then to remind myself I dont have to be nice. Its freedom. I'm now reading "The Language of Emotions" to learn more to understand my emotions and feelings. It reminded me of Boundaries. Thank you Dr Townsend.
What a great and helpful “confrontation”!! Thank you. I don’t have total understanding, because i am still learning “social ques” but i got a lot of “warm fuzzies” and Christian “camaraderie” from listening to you. God bless you. 😊❤✝️
I am learning these skills with a therapist and your book. I need it to deal with a family member who is absorbing my life. Thank you for teaching us boundaries, that its okay and what God wants for our lives.
Thank you Pastor, the verse in proverbs is 19:19 however it’s such a powerful message to not feed into insecurities because it will get tiring for those who don’t put their boundaries up.
Thank you Dr Townsend, Now I see more clearly what God is calling me to and not to do in my relationship. It has been a rocky road and it has taken a toll on me
This has been extremely helpful to me. My psychologist and I went through this video together and I am already able to make some changes based on what’s said and taught here. Excellent stuff and thank you.
TY Joe_Daddy_1975 It took me a long time to learn that principle. Once I did I helped my son be the man that I knew he was capable of being. God not only helped him to be an adult but helped me to be one too. Putting faith and trust in God that all our needs would be cared for
Some people actually assume your wanting something of them when your not! Offer what you haven't asked for and then think you encroaching on their boundaries!
7:24 - What we need to defend - Guard your heart 8:47 - Guard your feelings 12:50 - Being a Steward 14:40 - To accomplish things, say no to good in favor of the best. 17:25 - A need is not a call 18:00 - We need to confront people (you're a target) Boundaries are about having loving, non-judgmental talks. 19:50 - How relationships can heal through communication. First communication and action, then trust is built, then someone heals, and then the action can change because trust has been built. 24:20 - Obstacles: fear of loss of relationship 25:21 - Being balanced
Really appreciated this message. I just purchased the book, it has not arrived yet, but this had sooooo many nuggets. I will be listening again and again to get them all. Thanks again for uploading this.
Townsend and Cloud’s book is one I often recommend to my congregation. Even Jesus had boundaries. I came across this while expositionally preaching through the gospel of Mark. For those wondering about this angle they can find my sermon on Christian boundaries on my channel.
Joe I looked through your channel (well done btw, lots of vids) - but I couldn't find the message related to the boundaries of Jesus. What's the title of it? (RUclips won't allow pasting of links) it's a subject I've been interested in.
@@Exitnextright2 thanks so much for the comment! The sermon I referenced is probably most easily found by going to my playlists- “Live sermons” then scrolling a bit to get to it - from November 23rd, 2021 I look forward to seeing your comment over there!
Someone posted a reply saying that jumping in the well is not the solution, sending down a bucket to get the person in the well is. I agree with the bucket.
The one thing I hate about this boundaries stuff, is that it's most often the victims that have to learn this discipline of saying "no", and when the victims do say "no", they simply become even more of a victim.
Walking on egg shales is a familar feedback I just got in feedback with their dad, when they comment they feel like they walk around dad when he demands so much of them-
"three to seven people who know everything about you". Would be best if they don't go to your church, or it will end up being three to seven hundred people who know everything about you.
Then, there is the sweet Christian lady who manipulates by having a pity party and playing the victim. Says she is sorry but does not change and continues to disrespect you and your boundaries.
what about am i not my Brother's Keeper. how far do I need to take that at what point do I become a people pleaser or try to make a miserable person feel better.
Did Jesus feel that way about the lepers? Or did he worry about his career? I guess if he was a high priced shrink he would have made another decision about the cross. He says that God made us to be verticle and horizontal. I was taught he made us to be internally developing. Most of us are externally developing. And capitalistic operationally. Operating in fear then in love.
I think these verses in 1 John 4 (www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20John+4&version=ESV) can give an understanding of what Townsend is saying about the vertical and horizontal involvements: "7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him [Vertical involvement]. 10 In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another [Horizontal involvement]. 12 No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us [again, the horizontal]. 16 So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 17 By this is love perfected with us [our horizontal involvement], so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment [punishment = controlling], and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 19 We love because he first loved us." Going back to Verse 6, it also says, "6 We are from God. Whoever knows God [feels God's love and grace] listens to us; whoever is not from God does not listen to us [does not feel God's love & grace]. By this we know the Spirit of truth and the spirit of error. [hearing truth is secondary to love and grace]" In other words, grace is given first through us (God's love) so others feel safe enough to receive truth (what people need to learn about themselves - their errors - in order to take the action to change). I guess I look at the Townsend's Vertical and Horizontal as a taking on of the Cross. After all, Christ did not lie on one beam, but on both...hands were nailed to the horizontal (isn't this what we use to hold someone) & His head and feet on the vertical beam (a releasing the errors of our knowledge, through confession, so we may walk the final journey to heaven at the end of time. In other words, following the mind of Christ, so we may walk the end journey).
I humbly & politely put forth this question: Is it true that Jesus had resources or power that we do not? To rephrase, you aren't Jesus & not everyone you encounter is a leper. However I do think this subject is polarizing. It can feel as if they're mixing biblical principles in with pop-psych bull. But when I analyze it objectively I can not deny the truth here. You see, are you really helping someone by overextending? Are you really helping someone by avoiding the conflict. High performance teams need to be able to do conflict well. Think Navy SEAL's on a mission or a championship basketball team. If a man is walking toward a cliff, do i harm him by grabbing his shirt and yelling, "Stop! There's a cliff!"
I have a question?? In this video you say to have 3-7 people that we should have on hand to vent to?? I was always taught that this wasn’t good to do, but rather I was taught to go to the throne and not the phone. In other words take your problems, cares and woes to god, being the throne. I’ve always done that because giving my burdens to others was disastrous. Finally I leaned that God was the best so why go to the rest?
It’s both, but ask God for the right community to do this with. Confessing our hidden stuff to a trusted friend doesn’t absolve sin, but it is incredibly freeing, enabling us to grow. However, If we pour out our hearts to those who have no idea what to do with it, that can be damaging.
@americanconservativeuniver3276, some years ago, you had a podcast episode of Dennis Prager speaking to the Young Americans Foundation, I'm thinking it was episode 318 or somewhere in there. I've been looking for it and wonder if you know where I can get that audio? or if there's a video of it?
Your partner may interpret ''feedback'' as criticism and this may have to do with his upbringing (family of origin). We may want others to change but ultimately we can not change others but only change ourselves.
Duhhhh.. He told it all in the beginning of the section... Protect your heart. That means protect your values, your passion, your etc etc etc . Go and hear it again. God bless you!
It is all quite useful, but what he says at 01:05 about emotions as criterion whether we should do something for someone is very dangerous: it is normal to feel you don't like to go out and do a hard thing, but it does NOT mean God does not want you to do it - so your resentfulness or discomfort is no sign of whether to do or not. Otherwise, who would practice piano, do training in athletics or wake up at night to breastfeed your baby? Of course you love your baby, but not to sleep properly for months is no joy etc. So check your heart but do not listen to it very much for the Bible says something about human heart. The fruit criterion is much better - what your effort does to others and you yourself on the long term.
While this speech is very helpful I would like to know who stole the material from whom because Henry Cloud has almost the exact same speech that he gave to another audience. One of these men has drawn too much from the other.
Wow I came across this in perfect timing. I've been taking care of neighbors and finally said No today bc I'm just not well. I've been sick for 10 months and simply didn't have the energy. Well I didn't just get someone angry. She actually went off and listed off all the "things" she's done for me. I finally learned recently about boundaries and that I've been over extending myself and walking on eggshells for most of my life. And I wasn't ever happy and the people I thought I was helping I was really just preventing them to help themselves. Thank you for this seminar!!! It reaffirmed what I needed to hear.
Dina Beans... you are so right! It took me seven years to find this out and I allowed myself to be destroyed because of my ignorance x
I have been doing this with some ppl most of my Life***& @ 67.5 yrs. young learning 2 terminate relationships that aren't GIVE-N-TAKE. It's all their way or the Highway mentality. I now give myself permission to say.. "NO"..I do not need or want this person in my life..BECAUSE..They are self-serving, self-interested (narcissistic) & REALLY don't give a SHIT what's happening in your life.
Oooo
The first five minutes of this are funny😂. Then from 8:47 minutes in, it's gold. The book is absolutely amazing and it changed my life. If you aren't Christian, just ignore the religious parts -- it is just as valuable without them. Although, if you are Christian, he really synthesizes the bible with the ideas of boundaries well.
Dad can be mad but no one else can. that was my training.
Amen. And he is proud to be so open end direkt
I waited waaay too long to really dig into your teachings on boundaries. I'm here now and this is saving my life from total self destruction!!! Thank you so so much!
Great teaching !! Should be mandatory in high schools!!
LOVE listening to this! Wish I’d heard this in my teens and 20’s.
This is absolutely wonderful. I feel like I've just struck gold
The process of setting a boundary can be very uncomfortable and can produce false guilt, but the long term benefits are great.
Thank you again Dr Townsend. Your book Boundaries is amazing, a classic. It should be read by everyone, as we all need help underneath. Life-changing. And thank you for this great, great video talk too.
People dont care how much you know, until they know how much you care
I saved this in the "Watch Later" to see now and then to remind myself I dont have to be nice. Its freedom. I'm now reading "The Language of Emotions" to learn more to understand my emotions and feelings. It reminded me of Boundaries. Thank you Dr Townsend.
What a great and helpful “confrontation”!! Thank you. I don’t have total understanding, because i am still learning “social ques” but i got a lot of “warm fuzzies” and Christian “camaraderie” from listening to you. God bless you. 😊❤✝️
This is a great teaching!
Grace before Truth...amen
the reminder I needed to save my life. amen.
I am learning these skills with a therapist and your book. I need it to deal with a family member who is absorbing my life. Thank you for teaching us boundaries, that its okay and what God wants for our lives.
Thank you Pastor, the verse in proverbs is 19:19 however it’s such a powerful message to not feed into insecurities because it will get tiring for those who don’t put their boundaries up.
Thank you Dr Townsend, Now I see more clearly what God is calling me to and not to do in my relationship. It has been a rocky road and it has taken a toll on me
V
This has been extremely helpful to me. My psychologist and I went through this video together and I am already able to make some changes based on what’s said and taught here. Excellent stuff and thank you.
When we say yes to everyone we are not trusting God to meet people's needs in his time we enable them to not trust God as well and trust us instead.
TY Joe_Daddy_1975 It took me a long time to learn that principle. Once I did I helped my son be the man that I knew he was capable of being. God not only helped him to be an adult but helped me to be one too. Putting faith and trust in God that all our needs would be cared for
A wise person once told me, "Don't take away somebody else's right to rely on God."
Joe_Daddy_1975
That is absolutely TRUE.
Wow! That's powerful.
Loved this Changed my life!
Guard our Values, thoughts, feelings, passion, sins n weaknesses, our history n strengths. Nice talk !!
This was a home assignment and I didn't want to watch it because it is an hour long, but I'm glad I did.
Thank you!!!! I needed all of this!!!!
Speak the truth and love. Know the difference between hurt and harm…Ty you for this message.
Wow i can honestly say your teaching is amazing & very helpful.
Thank u so much!
This was so inspiring and Truly Helping me Already!!
It is so good to hear that we have boundaries now, whose idea was it to do away with "deny yourself, take up your cross and follow me"
Did you even listen to the message? Lol 😆 let me know how you are doing in the next 10 years burned out!
3 years ago, This changed my life!
Absolutely beautiful teachings ❤
Excellent! Thank you so much for posting!
Some people actually assume your wanting something of them when your not! Offer what you haven't asked for and then think you encroaching on their boundaries!
Thank You so much. All My Questions have been Answered in 10 Minutes . God Bless You and many THANKS
7:24 - What we need to defend - Guard your heart
8:47 - Guard your feelings
12:50 - Being a Steward
14:40 - To accomplish things, say no to good in favor of the best.
17:25 - A need is not a call
18:00 - We need to confront people (you're a target) Boundaries are about having loving, non-judgmental talks.
19:50 - How relationships can heal through communication. First communication and action, then trust is built, then someone heals, and then the action can change because trust has been built.
24:20 - Obstacles: fear of loss of relationship
25:21 - Being balanced
Really appreciated this message. I just purchased the book, it has not arrived yet, but this had sooooo many nuggets. I will be listening again and again to get them all. Thanks again for uploading this.
this is awsome and entertaining
Townsend and Cloud’s book is one I often recommend to my congregation. Even Jesus had boundaries. I came across this while expositionally preaching through the gospel of Mark. For those wondering about this angle they can find my sermon on Christian boundaries on my channel.
Joe I looked through your channel (well done btw, lots of vids) - but I couldn't find the message related to the boundaries of Jesus. What's the title of it? (RUclips won't allow pasting of links) it's a subject I've been interested in.
@@Exitnextright2 thanks so much for the comment! The sermon I referenced is probably most easily found by going to my playlists- “Live sermons” then scrolling a bit to get to it - from November 23rd, 2021
I look forward to seeing your comment over there!
so I can say no that makes me feel a lot better
Susanne C qqehhhhkktthhmm turn on to my movie name are the spider Mason are the SpongeBob
This is fabulous helped me so much !!
Your words speaks volume
Great message!
This is a blessing
Hurt vs. harm
King James Bible
As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.
Someone posted a reply saying that jumping in the well is not the solution, sending down a bucket to get the person in the well is. I agree with the bucket.
The one thing I hate about this boundaries stuff, is that it's most often the victims that have to learn this discipline of saying "no", and when the victims do say "no", they simply become even more of a victim.
i have trouble setting boundaries.
Give a person fish to eat and they will get hungry again, teach a person HOW to fish and they will never go hungry
Love this!
Hi. I need boundaries.
Walking on egg shales is a familar feedback I just got in feedback with their dad, when they comment they feel like they walk around dad when he demands so much of them-
"three to seven people who know everything about you". Would be best if they don't go to your church, or it will end up being three to seven hundred people who know everything about you.
Amen!
lol
🤣🤣🤣
Pls read his books- are amazing AMAZON has it All
ebay too**free shipping
Then, there is the sweet Christian lady who manipulates by having a pity party and playing the victim. Says she is sorry but does not change and continues to disrespect you and your boundaries.
AMEN..AMEN..Been there, done that & NOW dealing with it...AGAIN & AGAIN & AGAIN..PETE-N-REPEAT!!!!!
what about am i not my Brother's Keeper. how far do I need to take that at what point do I become a people pleaser or try to make a miserable person feel better.
give them resources to take care of themselves.
Be careless not careful.
Henry Cloud wrote those too
Did Jesus feel that way about the lepers? Or did he worry about his career? I guess if he was a high priced shrink he would have made another decision about the cross. He says that God made us to be verticle and horizontal. I was taught he made us to be internally developing. Most of us are externally developing. And capitalistic operationally. Operating in fear then in love.
+Dominick Durso good point
I think these verses in 1 John 4 (www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20John+4&version=ESV) can give an understanding of what Townsend is saying about the vertical and horizontal involvements:
"7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him [Vertical involvement]. 10 In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another [Horizontal involvement]. 12 No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us [again, the horizontal].
16 So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 17 By this is love perfected with us [our horizontal involvement], so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment [punishment = controlling], and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 19 We love because he first loved us."
Going back to Verse 6, it also says, "6 We are from God. Whoever knows God [feels God's love and grace] listens to us; whoever is not from God does not listen to us [does not feel God's love & grace]. By this we know the Spirit of truth and the spirit of error. [hearing truth is secondary to love and grace]"
In other words, grace is given first through us (God's love) so others feel safe enough to receive truth (what people need to learn about themselves - their errors - in order to take the action to change). I guess I look at the Townsend's Vertical and Horizontal as a taking on of the Cross. After all, Christ did not lie on one beam, but on both...hands were nailed to the horizontal (isn't this what we use to hold someone) & His head and feet on the vertical beam (a releasing the errors of our knowledge, through confession, so we may walk the final journey to heaven at the end of time. In other words, following the mind of Christ, so we may walk the end journey).
I humbly & politely put forth this question: Is it true that Jesus had resources or power that we do not?
To rephrase, you aren't Jesus & not everyone you encounter is a leper.
However I do think this subject is polarizing. It can feel as if they're mixing biblical principles in with pop-psych bull.
But when I analyze it objectively I can not deny the truth here.
You see, are you really helping someone by overextending? Are you really helping someone by avoiding the conflict.
High performance teams need to be able to do conflict well. Think Navy SEAL's on a mission or a championship basketball team.
If a man is walking toward a cliff, do i harm him by grabbing his shirt and yelling, "Stop! There's a cliff!"
Jesus told them go and sin no more.
I have a question?? In this video you say to have 3-7 people that we should have on hand to vent to?? I was always taught that this wasn’t good to do, but rather I was taught to go to the throne and not the phone. In other words take your problems, cares and woes to god, being the throne. I’ve always done that because giving my burdens to others was disastrous. Finally I leaned that God was the best so why go to the rest?
The Bible states we are to bear one another’s burdens! You have to humble yourself and reach out sometimes
@@womenofgodunited thank you. 🙏
@@lifewithjimmy4389 😇😇😇
@@womenofgodunited 🙏❤️😇
It’s both, but ask God for the right community to do this with. Confessing our hidden stuff to a trusted friend doesn’t absolve sin, but it is incredibly freeing, enabling us to grow. However, If we pour out our hearts to those who have no idea what to do with it, that can be damaging.
@americanconservativeuniver3276, some years ago, you had a podcast episode of Dennis Prager speaking to the Young Americans Foundation, I'm thinking it was episode 318 or somewhere in there. I've been looking for it and wonder if you know where I can get that audio? or if there's a video of it?
Saying the truth in love? What am I to do, if my partner is not able to take any feedback whatsoever?
Your partner may interpret ''feedback'' as criticism and this may have to do with his upbringing (family of origin). We may want others to change but ultimately we can not change others but only change ourselves.
@@pennyc7064 right
I have no filter and refuse to lie and people say I need boundaries ? They don't want to know the truth that I am dealing with :(
What is the "truth" you are dealing with?
A need is not a call whewwwww
Who categorized this as "comedy"?
My name is Bethany Townsend
Dang, he was close. I was thinking about dragons. Also, unicorns exist. As do dragons.
Do you have proof that unicorn/dragons exist??? I'd like to know :)
58:56
I wish he was more straightforward. I didn't learn how to set boundaries
ditto, lots of talking
Duhhhh.. He told it all in the beginning of the section... Protect your heart. That means protect your values, your passion, your etc etc etc . Go and hear it again. God bless you!
It is all quite useful, but what he says at 01:05 about emotions as criterion whether we should do something for someone is very dangerous: it is normal to feel you don't like to go out and do a hard thing, but it does NOT mean God does not want you to do it - so your resentfulness or discomfort is no sign of whether to do or not. Otherwise, who would practice piano, do training in athletics or wake up at night to breastfeed your baby? Of course you love your baby, but not to sleep properly for months is no joy etc. So check your heart but do not listen to it very much for the Bible says something about human heart. The fruit criterion is much better - what your effort does to others and you yourself on the long term.
When it causes u to lose your peace I are dealing directly with the spirit of confusion : the Devil or Satan
While this speech is very helpful I would like to know who stole the material from whom because Henry Cloud has almost the exact same speech that he gave to another audience. One of these men has drawn too much from the other.
Bridget Woltman yeah, they wrote the book together. No stealing. Google is a great place for those kinds of questions.
They work together and they quote each other! Both give GOD all credit ❤️
Spirit of condemnation and criticism you are rebuked in the name of Jesus and Mary
Really? Right brained people only ask when in deep topics “do unicorns exist?” I just stopped watching.
Why are you pacing back and forth across the stage. Very distracting!