At the core of perfectionism is anxiety. Insecure attachment in childhood creates this adaptive survival coping mechanism. Largely subconscious, it must be made conscious. And I mean the feeling of it. The true deep feeling.
Ola, this means so much to me! Seriously, there's nothing that fills my heart more than helping people realized they are not alone, broken or weird because they have struggles - we ALL do.
I literally agree because I feel so understood. Julia your video called 'self help advice that is toxic' is what I have been angry with for a long time and I never heard anyone talk about it before I head you address it.
I’m a perfectionist and a classic over thinker! Because of this, I am always indecisive. I loved what you said about worrying that we are going to make the wrong decision. No matter what comes of your decision, you will learn something from it! Thanks, Julia 😊
I like to tell myself that I’m perfectly imperfect! I have grown up with so many misconceptions. It is paralyzing. Through counseling and finally reaching middle age, I’m realizing it’s okay to admit I’m flawed.
Thanks for this video Julia. I’m a perfectionist and struggle with all of this, and have been all my life. More so now that I’m depressed and have to cope with social anxiety...as someone else mentioned for me at least, it’s rooted in childhood because no matter what I did or how well I did, it was never good enough for my mom who was a teacher. I tell my self that I like to be prepared, it it’s all a cover for the fear of not being good enough or to suck therefor I’m dumb and I shouldn’t even be trying as you said. It’s all in our heads. Same with being a control freak. Been depressed for the past 3-4 years due to injuries and stress that the depression is a result of. Bullied all my life. I couldn’t take it anymore both mentally and physically with all the pressure and discrimination. I tried to start something new like a language course, even nail tech school (I’m a hairdresser and a MUA), but I quit after 1-2 weeks. I blamed the depression, but after listening to this, it’s also partly due tot he fear of not being good enough, and of course in the beginning when learning new things, it’s always hard and difficult until you get the hang of it. It takes time, tho I got zero patience. I guess it’s also because I’m used to be doing things that I’m good at or know what I’m doing. So when I felt that I sucked, I told my self this is not for me...only a genius or those with a natural talent would be good at their 1st try lol. Btw your new hair cut really suits you Julia. Even a long or asymmetrical bob would be fire.
Thank you Gille87 you really helped me diagnose my problem , reading your story was like reading my story ! I hope you do so much better , I am going to try not be as hard on myself , as this is where my anxiety comes from . ❤️👍
I suffer from depression and OCD, so understand how you must be struggling, you have probably like me searched RUclips for a cure, I know I'm still looking. What I think really helps me is just keeping busy, I don't know if that is a cure or distraction, but it seems to help me. I always seem to get worse on the run-up to Christmas, seasonal affective disorder I believe playing its part. Just thought i would reach out, I know how hard it can be when your mind takes over. Keep busy best wishes colin from Colintalks
I am the worst at this now. Don't know when I started striving for perfectionism. Before I was fine as long as I tried my hardest and my best. I know that I wouldn't be good at things at first and would improve with time and practice. Now I will think myself into not doing anything because I tell myself I have to plan for every scenario, if something comes up that I did not plan for or anticipate, then I tell myself that I am stupid. Another major problem is thinking that I have to do things right the first time. It has helped reading some complete biographies of greats in their fields and all the trips, stumbles and failures they suffered along the way to becoming great. I still tell myself that the reason I am not good is not from lack of practice or experience, but just that I have no talent and that I just suck. I know now from talking to my therapist that a good part of it is from my childhood and my dad pushing me to always be the best and the first and berating me if I wasn't. For years those effects did not manifest themselves. I had a rather laid back approach at trying something new. Now it this search for perfection keeps me from enjoying activities I loved and from trying new things. Like the new haircut. :-)
"let yourself suck!" haha thank you I struggle a lot with perfectionnism. :) I am totally guilty of that faulty thinking that certainty and control = happiness :S
@@juliakristinamah The control factor. I try to control things to "control the outcome". I also expect to do things perfectly the first time I try something.
You out did yourself on this one, you were speaking my life, you have a Beautifull voice with society and excellent in balance. I don't know how you know the language so well but you do. I said I have to check this one out. Thank you for helping people remove obstacles in their lives. Thank God for the wisdom you have, bravo. You care for the people. Excellant! This one I will listen to and study over and over. Thank you Julia.
Whenever l get any problem related to my mental health, l immediately came back to your video. You are doing a lot of efforts in improving my life. Thank you🌹
You don’t know how ground breaking your advice has been for my mental health. I’ve struggled with anxiety and pleasing everyone around me as a gay man for over half of my adult life. Watching your videos has helped me break a lot of my unhealthy cycles at the source. So thank you for doing what you do ♥️. Your advice may have saved my life in the long run.
One of the core reasons for full control is having certainty. Most people like the comfort of certainty. Yet, we forget the joy of new things that come from left field. Learning to be comfortable with being uncomfortable, as this is the time to learn what is important to us, who we are and potentially other people around us.
And I would even argue that there is no such thing as full certainty (or full comfort either for that matter) - so we're chasing after things that don't even exist.
I'm a perfectionist who started dance classes 3 months ago and the amount of times I've wanted to quit....haha love this video. It's true that we just have to push through it.
Great video. What sucks is that the experienced try to make you feel stupid because you didn't know you were suppose to do it their way or know how it was suppose to be done.
Oh... Julia...Thank you SO much for your words and videos... I've been really self-aware and know the causes, but I don't know alot of how to solve them Everything about this video is 100% true and especially the procrastination part - you even made me realize that yes I do that so I can blame it on how I didn't prepare fully enough because I don't want to feel like a failure, and that failure isn't everything - it means I need to know and/or practice more...... Thank you so so much, now I can work my ways out of my depression now that I know how to solve the root and causes of it (I've been know the causes for a huge while now, I just can't find the right advise to apply to my current situation, or it's just too general I can't relate) Thank you!!
Loved this video! Came up on it from Tailwind, and so glad I did! Especially loved the part about procrastination - I definitely do that. I feel like it is almost self-sabotage, because I'm so worried that I'm going to fail that I will do things to protect "the ego", as you say, and that can serve later as an excuse for why I failed. So exhausting! Working on it - it's a work in progress! Thanks for the great video!!
OMGoodness! THIS WHOLE VIDEO IS ME!!! I've known it all along, but it's nice to have someone "in the know" corroborate it. I am totally a perfectionist. I procrastinate at least a few times per day. I was given a book on dealing with procrastination once as a gift from a friend. No joking, it took me more than a year to get to reading it. Wow! Now to just stop the silliness. And I totally plan and overplan and second guess... Julia Kristina I wish I could give you a giant hug! Thank you.
My mother, may she rest in peace, always preached control of your own life and being perfect. But I learned early on that one can't control everything in life.
Wow, this is exactly what I needed!!! Both of my parents were abusive, narc, and ruthless perfectionists. I have struggled w toxic perfectionism my entire life! It has robbed me of soooooo much vitality. Thank you for this.
I discovered your You Tube videos over the weekend. This message resonated with me...I’ve been a perfectionist my whole life. This video gave me hope that I can be imperfect and...I’ll be ok! Thank you for your powerful message Julia!!
Ana thrived off my perfectionism. She kept telling me I was useless if I tried and wasn't good at it. She told me I was worthless when I tried to see myself higher than before or be myself that causes others to be disappointed. She told me if I lost weight I had control and I would be more attractive and happy. She lied all the time! Unlearning what she told me for years and still tells me is hard especially breaking that others have to see me as perfect.
Amazing video julia. all these lies and signs specially to get control of every thing and procrastination making me depress and anxious. But now I'll try to overcome it.
I love all of your videos. I feel like you're always talking to/about me. Lol. As an artist; I struggle with perfectionism HARD!! I'm doing some light work on the muscle of being more confident to have a healthier relationship with my work. Fortunately, I'm enjoying the thoughts in my head more often and catching the self critic on time. Thanks again; your content is real gift to humanity❤️
Yes, yes, and YES! All points hit home. Just to share, the reason why I procrastinate is because I'm afraid of getting something wrong that I find it hard to find the motivation to start.
From my own experience, one of the ways to change our fear is to literally practise breathing because telling yourself to calm down doesnt work, we need to tap into our subconsicous and our nervous system that is triggering the fight or flight. If we breathe, we calm down , then your thinking and then beahviour changes :)
Julia, thanks for sharing as this topic is so relevant now given current superficial arbitrary standards of perfection set by society. I have struggled in the past with feeling that I’m just not enough and that I need to have just about every area of my life in perfect order before pursuing meaningful relationships with others. As you put it, I might as well just go for it :). Thank you!
Exactly; I'm always thinking, and obsessing about what I said, and thinking I hope they didn't take that wrong. I am so glad to learn that that is over thinking, and that I am not alone in thinking this way, and that I can just stop it, thank you!!!
I have been trying to prepare myself with my profession into perfection i now know no matter how much i train and prepare mistakes and failures are going to occur and being perfect at it... is impossible thank you so much for helping me figure that out Julia:) and hopefully helping thousands of others figure that out.
This hit hard. Perfectionism has been very crippling when your trying to live your life and accomplish things. Especially the social part is so true to me, I´ve always wanted to say the perfect things and behave the perfect way. This has kept me from being myself. I have luckily gotten better at it over the years, but still recognize these habits that I have.
I work in and out of the office handling multiple responsibilities using as much technology as I can handle, yet, I still find I get overwhelmed, stuck and frustrated to the point that I just stop. Need to learn that I cannot be all things to all people. I cannot save the world. It's a struggle for sure.
I really love all your videos.They are more then insightful they are actually liberating.Years ago I use to worry about what others thought of me.And I used to always have to plan all my stuff out.Meaning thinking too far ahead in the future. But life seems to have obstacles and when it would hit.I would have to think of new planning and it would be so stressful all I would do is worry worry worry.Of course I would get the stuff done anyways. So basically I would have worried for nothing lol.And it did cause me so much unnecessary anxiety sad to say.For the past year I stopped planning my future out.And it seems like a load off my chest to no longer live that way.It's just as you say.... And I would plan things out I don't want to call exactly accordingly as planned it was kind of painful.All the planning to have to redirect my energy in a new way. Not only worried me to the core.But it also drained me when I could have been enjoying so much more.Now when I speak I don't even think.I just let it flow freely rather I'm right and wrong.But now no longer consumed with the worries about what I should have or shouldn't have said.I don't have to sleep with the fact of stress by not getting it off my chest. Because if people don't like me I no longer care.Because I know who I am now and how good of a person I truly am within my heart. And if others can't see that I'm no longer worried.Because I'm the type to accept people for who they are.Unless of course they disrespect me or go against my morals then that's a different story. But other than that I feel free....and I can tell over the years that people seem to think that something was wrong with me.But coming across your videos lets me see that I am only human....when all others have failed me and wanted me to believe I was crazy for being me.Yet none of these people ever walked around with any degrees lol.So I just wanted to thank you for all the videos that you post. Of showing people how to accept theirselves.And always giving your Keen advice to change many other things.You truly are a blessing to us all.Keep up the great work because you truly are a major asset to us all 🙂
It's easy to expect perfect outcomes and do nothing. If we stumble forward, at least we are making useful progress. Yes, perfectionism is a tyrant and fear mongerer. I prefer sincere efforts and a healthy dose of Realism.
Hi Aanie!! I took a short break while I welcomed the new students in my Healthy Boundaries Bootcamp program - but I'm back to regular videos again now!
I'm more "cappuccino" by the way.My partner feeling perfectionist specially in he's job environment very chaotic & very stressful to him & it affects our relationship.You right Julia! Thanks for the advice; big love this channel. ❤❤❤
This is my wife ( Retired 1st grade Teacher) to a T!! She can’t just chill ever. When people decide to visit us she runs around with a paintbrush touching up the doorframes and baseboards! Our marriage is taking a hit because of the Control and Perfectionist cycles.
Dead on it Julia. There are a lot of people whom you described. I know a woman who will put fake numbers on a put put golf card because she can't face people at the end of the game with high stroke numbers.
I think another (and most basic) lie is that doing something perfect will make you happy. That's what I find in myself a lot, and can lead to me spending twice as long on simple tasks (e.g. staining the deck) than most people. I can recognize it's not rational, and its not like my mind is telling me there are any particular reasons it's important to be perfect, but just this sense that it has to be done and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if it isn't perfect, but just once I get this done then I will be happy.
I can relate so completely. I seem incapable of doing things "half-arsed" and detest being put in the position of having to output anything less than my absolute best. I then stand back and admire my work afterwards with such a strong sense of achievement and self worth. If I begin to offer up anything that's not my all, I can't claim any sense of achievement and can't help wondering what's the point in doing it if I can't feel good afterwards. (But also that good feeling never really lasts very long or satisfies.) Then I lose all self worth too. Such a crappy cycle to challenge.
Perfectionism also makes one terrified of rejection. You try to reject the opportunity or person before they reject or abandon you. Why do we do this to ourselves? It feels like there are two people in our heads. The terrified one is trying to protect itself by hurting itself first.
For me, procrastinating, perfectionism and overwhelm all go together- wanting to be perfect but I only have 5 min so I can do it right and I put it off- can be also overwhelming bc a lot of things end up needing to be done - I’m a work in progress!!!
There were a few times since recently and a few years ago, when I was uncomfortable and upset because I was trying to control everything, I was even trying to force reality to change, it changed alright but not in a good way, it turned out very bad, but I learned that reality can't be forced, and in pursuit of reality creation I'm trying to figure out changes in my life that will work, which requires you to solve problems and prevent future problems from happening (based on past experience, yep, appeal to experience, yet it's true that experience teaches you to stop making mistakes). I haven't made any mistakes, I check my work, check my spelling to make sure it's absolutely perfect, I have a good life, but not during brain medicine, I have to quell that mistake before it takes over my life. I don't stress about the past, and I don't procrastinate, people scream at whatever's perfect, so give them a perfect round seedless bun and see if it will drive people crazy.
I love your videos even if u dont think they are perfect. They are helpful to me and so that makes it perfect for me. Because i am guilty of this subject.
Looking perfect always... You have to look perfect.. Soo you try soo hard to make your skin perfect, your face perfect, your body perfect aur style perfect or else your confident will goo down.. That is soo not true how can someone be perfect I'm struggling with this n I hope I go through it soon.!
The lie perfectionism tells me is that what ever I study by writing, I have to write with the best of my handwriting or else I will not understand what's the concept written. From now onwards I'll just try to move on and just focus on the concept rather than the handwriting.
I’ve been aware of and struggling with perfectionism in my career, but somehow didn’t put together that my obsession with analyzing all of my interactions and making sure I’ve done and said all the right things in my social life is rooted in perfectionism as well. I thought it was more an issue of lack of trust in myself and a hefty dose of low self-esteem and need for validation. Maybe perfectionism has a negative synergistic effect with these issues, or maybe they’re one and the same? Thanks for the insight, really digging your videos.
I used to try to control everything, but I don't anymore, I'm no longer trying to get full control of everything, I'm happy with the awful things the way they are, as an ultrapessimist I expect the worst. :)
I know I definitely struggle with this problem of perfectionism. I was trying to start a wine business, but it's between two businesses that I have to make a decision, and also, I have no friends that will support me, as they have done this before by not purchasing and not even saying that they would attend the tasting. I would have to make a whole new set of contacts, and this is not easy. I wish I could make a good decision and actually be successful.
Being a minority, I feel that if I'm not perfect in everything, someone will find a fault in me somewhere, which I feel will cause me to miss out on something I consider important (that promotion, a good grade in a presentation), and it has shaped my life as such. I'm constantly watching the way I speak, the way I walk, the way I dress. Even the people I choose to spend my time with. Because It never feels enough for some people, I continue to stress over every little thing in an attempt to make people happy. The reality of it is, I'm not happy. I feel that I'm missing out so much in life, but I'm too scared to do anything about it for fear of being seen as something less than best. Your videos are helping me see things in a much brighter light. Thank you very much.
No one is perfect and people should learn that perfectionism will only hinder their success in life.
Absolutely! Couldn't agree more. Why do you think people believe they need to be perfect to be good enough?
@@juliakristinamah. 2nd comment. New to me. 3rd thanks for The NO DISTRACTION VLOG APPROACH also new to me. This is so newto me.
At the core of perfectionism is anxiety. Insecure attachment in childhood creates this adaptive survival coping mechanism. Largely subconscious, it must be made conscious. And I mean the feeling of it. The true deep feeling.
Yes, perfectionism is just another iteration of anxiety rooted in fear of rejection which is a threat to attachment.
@@wds1981 Same! I’m still recovering from this! Realizing now how badly it effected me. Thank goodness I came across these videos!
@@wds1981 Really sorry to hear that, I hope for the best for you
"Control is about trying to keep ourselves being uncomfortable". This triggered me. Thank you.
You are an amazing speaker. I have never felt more understood
Ola, this means so much to me! Seriously, there's nothing that fills my heart more than helping people realized they are not alone, broken or weird because they have struggles - we ALL do.
I literally agree because I feel so understood. Julia your video called 'self help advice that is toxic' is what I have been angry with for a long time and I never heard anyone talk about it before I head you address it.
I agree 💯
I’m a perfectionist and a classic over thinker! Because of this, I am always indecisive. I loved what you said about worrying that we are going to make the wrong decision. No matter what comes of your decision, you will learn something from it! Thanks, Julia 😊
Yes! There's no such thing as the perfect decision, so we may as well save our energy, and our sanity!
One belief is that I'm not good enough until I'm perfect
Right! That's a common one, but a useless one because there really isn't such thing as perfect. What if you were good enough, worthy and valuable NOW?
I like to tell myself that I’m perfectly imperfect! I have grown up with so many misconceptions. It is paralyzing. Through counseling and finally reaching middle age, I’m realizing it’s okay to admit I’m flawed.
Perfectionism is a problem because we are inherently imperfect. Ultimately, it will hold you back
Absolutely! There really is no such thing.
Thanks for this video Julia. I’m a perfectionist and struggle with all of this, and have been all my life. More so now that I’m depressed and have to cope with social anxiety...as someone else mentioned for me at least, it’s rooted in childhood because no matter what I did or how well I did, it was never good enough for my mom who was a teacher. I tell my self that I like to be prepared, it it’s all a cover for the fear of not being good enough or to suck therefor I’m dumb and I shouldn’t even be trying as you said. It’s all in our heads. Same with being a control freak. Been depressed for the past 3-4 years due to injuries and stress that the depression is a result of. Bullied all my life. I couldn’t take it anymore both mentally and physically with all the pressure and discrimination. I tried to start something new like a language course, even nail tech school (I’m a hairdresser and a MUA), but I quit after 1-2 weeks. I blamed the depression, but after listening to this, it’s also partly due tot he fear of not being good enough, and of course in the beginning when learning new things, it’s always hard and difficult until you get the hang of it. It takes time, tho I got zero patience. I guess it’s also because I’m used to be doing things that I’m good at or know what I’m doing. So when I felt that I sucked, I told my self this is not for me...only a genius or those with a natural talent would be good at their 1st try lol. Btw your new hair cut really suits you Julia. Even a long or asymmetrical bob would be fire.
Thank you Gille87 you really helped me diagnose my problem , reading your story was like reading my story ! I hope you do so much better , I am going to try not be as hard on myself , as this is where my anxiety comes from . ❤️👍
I suffer from depression and OCD, so understand how you must be struggling, you have probably like me searched RUclips for a cure, I know I'm still looking. What I think really helps me is just keeping busy, I don't know if that is a cure or distraction, but it seems to help me.
I always seem to get worse on the run-up to Christmas, seasonal affective disorder I believe playing its part.
Just thought i would reach out, I know how hard it can be when your mind takes over.
Keep busy best wishes colin from Colintalks
I am the worst at this now. Don't know when I started striving for perfectionism. Before I was fine as long as I tried my hardest and my best. I know that I wouldn't be good at things at first and would improve with time and practice. Now I will think myself into not doing anything because I tell myself I have to plan for every scenario, if something comes up that I did not plan for or anticipate, then I tell myself that I am stupid.
Another major problem is thinking that I have to do things right the first time. It has helped reading some complete biographies of greats in their fields and all the trips, stumbles and failures they suffered along the way to becoming great. I still tell myself that the reason I am not good is not from lack of practice or experience, but just that I have no talent and that I just suck.
I know now from talking to my therapist that a good part of it is from my childhood and my dad pushing me to always be the best and the first and berating me if I wasn't. For years those effects did not manifest themselves. I had a rather laid back approach at trying something new. Now it this search for perfection keeps me from enjoying activities I loved and from trying new things.
Like the new haircut. :-)
"let yourself suck!" haha thank you I struggle a lot with perfectionnism. :) I am totally guilty of that faulty thinking that certainty and control = happiness :S
So glad it connected Catherine! I too am really working on letting myself suck more ;-)
I am over it. I have the hardest time letting go of control/ perfection. This video definitely spoke to me.
Awesome PiperDork - that is music to my ears! Which part connected with you most?
@@juliakristinamah The control factor. I try to control things to "control the outcome". I also expect to do things perfectly the first time I try something.
I am not perfect and it is such a liberating feeling. I am only human and have flaws. And so does everybody else. Thank you for a great video.
You out did yourself on this one, you were speaking my life, you have a Beautifull voice with society and excellent in balance. I don't know how you know the language so well but you do. I said I have to check this one out. Thank you for helping people remove obstacles in their lives. Thank God for the wisdom you have, bravo. You care for the people. Excellant! This one I will listen to and study over and over. Thank
you Julia.
Whenever l get any problem related to my mental health, l immediately came back to your video. You are doing a lot of efforts in improving my life. Thank you🌹
You don’t know how ground breaking your advice has been for my mental health. I’ve struggled with anxiety and pleasing everyone around me as a gay man for over half of my adult life. Watching your videos has helped me break a lot of my unhealthy cycles at the source. So thank you for doing what you do ♥️. Your advice may have saved my life in the long run.
This video is a big deal for me. I don't have the words to explain yet.
When you get more clarity, will you tell me why it was a big deal? I'd love to hear.
Another lie that perfectionism tells: if you aren’t great at something it won’t be enjoyable. I LOVE this video- thanks for the helpful tips!
One of the core reasons for full control is having certainty. Most people like the comfort of certainty. Yet, we forget the joy of new things that come from left field. Learning to be comfortable with being uncomfortable, as this is the time to learn what is important to us, who we are and potentially other people around us.
And I would even argue that there is no such thing as full certainty (or full comfort either for that matter) - so we're chasing after things that don't even exist.
I'm a perfectionist who started dance classes 3 months ago and the amount of times I've wanted to quit....haha love this video. It's true that we just have to push through it.
Great video. What sucks is that the experienced try to make you feel stupid because you didn't know you were suppose to do it their way or know how it was suppose to be done.
Right?? And they forget that they had no idea what they were doing when they first started either!
Oh... Julia...Thank you SO much for your words and videos...
I've been really self-aware and know the causes, but I don't know alot of how to solve them
Everything about this video is 100% true and especially the procrastination part - you even made me realize that yes I do that so I can blame it on how I didn't prepare fully enough because I don't want to feel like a failure, and that failure isn't everything - it means I need to know and/or practice more......
Thank you so so much, now I can work my ways out of my depression now that I know how to solve the root and causes of it
(I've been know the causes for a huge while now, I just can't find the right advise to apply to my current situation, or it's just too general I can't relate)
Thank you!!
Loved this video! Came up on it from Tailwind, and so glad I did! Especially loved the part about procrastination - I definitely do that. I feel like it is almost self-sabotage, because I'm so worried that I'm going to fail that I will do things to protect "the ego", as you say, and that can serve later as an excuse for why I failed. So exhausting! Working on it - it's a work in progress! Thanks for the great video!!
Vulnerable topic, I found I'm afraid of criticism that's why doing all jobs pushing me towards perfectionism
What does it mean if you get criticism vincent's Soul?
OMG this video is everything! It helped me so much, thank you!!!!
OMGoodness! THIS WHOLE VIDEO IS ME!!! I've known it all along, but it's nice to have someone "in the know" corroborate it. I am totally a perfectionist. I procrastinate at least a few times per day. I was given a book on dealing with procrastination once as a gift from a friend. No joking, it took me more than a year to get to reading it. Wow! Now to just stop the silliness. And I totally plan and overplan and second guess... Julia Kristina I wish I could give you a giant hug! Thank you.
You're amazing thank you SO much!
My mother, may she rest in peace, always preached control of your own life and being perfect. But I learned early on that one can't control everything in life.
Thank you for the wonderful video!
This comes right on time! Many thanks, Julia!
Awesome Melanie!
Wow, this is exactly what I needed!!! Both of my parents were abusive, narc, and ruthless perfectionists. I have struggled w toxic perfectionism my entire life! It has robbed me of soooooo much vitality. Thank you for this.
Thank you so much for this!
I discovered your You Tube videos over the weekend. This message resonated with me...I’ve been a perfectionist my whole life. This video gave me hope that I can be imperfect and...I’ll be ok!
Thank you for your powerful message Julia!!
You’re really knowledgeable and you really care!
Ana thrived off my perfectionism. She kept telling me I was useless if I tried and wasn't good at it. She told me I was worthless when I tried to see myself higher than before or be myself that causes others to be disappointed. She told me if I lost weight I had control and I would be more attractive and happy. She lied all the time! Unlearning what she told me for years and still tells me is hard especially breaking that others have to see me as perfect.
Amazing video julia. all these lies and signs specially to get control of every thing and procrastination making me depress and anxious. But now I'll try to overcome it.
I love all of your videos. I feel like you're always talking to/about me. Lol. As an artist; I struggle with perfectionism HARD!! I'm doing some light work on the muscle of being more confident to have a healthier relationship with my work. Fortunately, I'm enjoying the thoughts in my head more often and catching the self critic on time. Thanks again; your content is real gift to humanity❤️
Thank you Julia. I appreciate your wisdom.
Yes, yes, and YES! All points hit home. Just to share, the reason why I procrastinate is because I'm afraid of getting something wrong that I find it hard to find the motivation to start.
From my own experience, one of the ways to change our fear is to literally practise breathing because telling yourself to calm down doesnt work, we need to tap into our subconsicous and our nervous system that is triggering the fight or flight. If we breathe, we calm down , then your thinking and then beahviour changes :)
Yes! Good strong breathing techniques are so important
Thank you Julia for sharing your knowledge! It was an inspiration to me, I need it.
Julia, thanks for sharing as this topic is so relevant now given current superficial arbitrary standards of perfection set by society. I have struggled in the past with feeling that I’m just not enough and that I need to have just about every area of my life in perfect order before pursuing meaningful relationships with others. As you put it, I might as well just go for it :). Thank you!
really benefiting from your vids. Thank you! Especially with your work on creating healthy boundaries. Very important for the emotionally neglected.
Julia, I have done these things and thanks to you, I am over it ! Very grateful
👏👏👏 Thank you for posting these helpful Videos Julia!!!
Thank YOU david for watching and supporting!
Exactly; I'm always thinking, and obsessing about what I said, and thinking I hope they didn't take that wrong. I am so glad to learn that that is over thinking, and that I am not alone in thinking this way, and that I can just stop it, thank you!!!
Julia yes, I have done that. You're so right. 🥴 I'm aware now, thanks to you. Working on it now. 😇🐞💞
I have been trying to prepare myself with my profession into perfection i now know no matter how much i train and prepare mistakes and failures are going to occur and being perfect at it... is impossible thank you so much for helping me figure that out Julia:) and hopefully helping thousands of others figure that out.
This hit hard. Perfectionism has been very crippling when your trying to live your life and accomplish things. Especially the social part is so true to me, I´ve always wanted to say the perfect things and behave the perfect way. This has kept me from being myself. I have luckily gotten better at it over the years, but still recognize these habits that I have.
Limiting belief 'I can't do this perfectly so there's no point in trying at all'. Very critical controlling parents.
Amen
Only perfectionist can dislike this imperfect video😄😄😄
Love your videos and love your hair in this video!! ❤️
You are so amazing! Sometimes I am afraid to use new things because I don't want them to not look perfect anymore. 😣
This is extremely valuable
This video is so brilliant and helpful! Thank you for sharing your research and insights :) @Julia
Oh wow! This is so me!! If only I can be perfect!
Thank you for these videos. I just discovered your channel..thank you for your approach to this🙏🙏🙌
Ooh Julia .... This is such a motivational video.
I'm so grateful it connected with you Sadaf!
I work in and out of the office handling multiple responsibilities using as much technology as I can handle, yet, I still find I get overwhelmed, stuck and frustrated to the point that I just stop. Need to learn that I cannot be all things to all people. I cannot save the world. It's a struggle for sure.
Yikes. This speaks right to me. Thank you.
I really love all your videos.They are more then insightful they are actually liberating.Years ago I use to worry about what others thought of me.And I used to always have to plan all my stuff out.Meaning thinking too far ahead in the future. But life seems to have obstacles and when it would hit.I would have to think of new planning and it would be so stressful all I would do is worry worry worry.Of course I would get the stuff done anyways. So basically I would have worried for nothing lol.And it did cause me so much unnecessary anxiety sad to say.For the past year I stopped planning my future out.And it seems like a load off my chest to no longer live that way.It's just as you say.... And I would plan things out I don't want to call exactly accordingly as planned it was kind of painful.All the planning to have to redirect my energy in a new way. Not only worried me to the core.But it also drained me when I could have been enjoying so much more.Now when I speak I don't even think.I just let it flow freely rather I'm right and wrong.But now no longer consumed with the worries about what I should have or shouldn't have said.I don't have to sleep with the fact of stress by not getting it off my chest. Because if people don't like me I no longer care.Because I know who I am now and how good of a person I truly am within my heart. And if others can't see that I'm no longer worried.Because I'm the type to accept people for who they are.Unless of course they disrespect me or go against my morals then that's a different story. But other than that I feel free....and I can tell over the years that people seem to think that something was wrong with me.But coming across your videos lets me see that I am only human....when all others have failed me and wanted me to believe I was crazy for being me.Yet none of these people ever walked around with any degrees lol.So I just wanted to thank you for all the videos that you post. Of showing people how to accept theirselves.And always giving your Keen advice to change many other things.You truly are a blessing to us all.Keep up the great work because you truly are a major asset to us all 🙂
I meant my stuff to know is go as planned not call lol. Typing too fast
Meant right or wrong.
Thanks Julia
The procrastination one was a real a ha moment for me. Wow!
All I have to say is thank you very much 😎👍
Struggle bus..lol. She's so funny! She has helped me so much! Thank u
It's easy to expect perfect outcomes and do nothing. If we stumble forward, at least we are making useful progress. Yes, perfectionism is a tyrant and fear mongerer. I prefer sincere efforts and a healthy dose of Realism.
Couldn't agree more.
loved the toddler bit,..like Ur videos..great advice.😘
Great stuff!
Thanks so much Robert!
Hi uve been missed...it's great to hear you
Hi Aanie!! I took a short break while I welcomed the new students in my Healthy Boundaries Bootcamp program - but I'm back to regular videos again now!
I'm more "cappuccino" by the way.My partner feeling perfectionist specially in he's job environment very chaotic & very stressful to him & it affects our relationship.You right Julia! Thanks for the advice; big love this channel. ❤❤❤
Thank you! I just started a new job after years of success in another one. It’s ok to suck at first.
This is my wife ( Retired 1st grade Teacher) to a T!! She can’t just chill ever. When people decide to visit us she runs around with a paintbrush touching up the doorframes and baseboards! Our marriage is taking a hit because of the Control and Perfectionist cycles.
Thanks Julia this is me
I have a live that! I am done living there! I am committed to being done with control.
🎉🎉🎉
Golda
Dead on it Julia. There are a lot of people whom you described. I know a woman who will put fake numbers on a put put golf card because she can't face people at the end of the game with high stroke numbers.
I think another (and most basic) lie is that doing something perfect will make you happy. That's what I find in myself a lot, and can lead to me spending twice as long on simple tasks (e.g. staining the deck) than most people. I can recognize it's not rational, and its not like my mind is telling me there are any particular reasons it's important to be perfect, but just this sense that it has to be done and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if it isn't perfect, but just once I get this done then I will be happy.
I can relate so completely. I seem incapable of doing things "half-arsed" and detest being put in the position of having to output anything less than my absolute best. I then stand back and admire my work afterwards with such a strong sense of achievement and self worth. If I begin to offer up anything that's not my all, I can't claim any sense of achievement and can't help wondering what's the point in doing it if I can't feel good afterwards. (But also that good feeling never really lasts very long or satisfies.) Then I lose all self worth too. Such a crappy cycle to challenge.
Perfectionism also makes one terrified of rejection. You try to reject the opportunity or person before they reject or abandon you. Why do we do this to ourselves? It feels like there are two people in our heads. The terrified one is trying to protect itself by hurting itself first.
I tell myself if I'm not perfect or do it perfectly that something bad will happen or that I am bad if I make a mistake or cave into weakness.
Yes, I over-control
I like what you said that it's not our business what people think about us unless they make it our business.
For me, procrastinating, perfectionism and overwhelm all go together- wanting to be perfect but I only have 5 min so I can do it right and I put it off- can be also overwhelming bc a lot of things end up needing to be done - I’m a work in progress!!!
I felt full control will help me-Julia
Yes, I’m a procrastinator
There were a few times since recently and a few years ago, when I was uncomfortable and upset because I was trying to control everything, I was even trying to force reality to change, it changed alright but not in a good way, it turned out very bad, but I learned that reality can't be forced, and in pursuit of reality creation I'm trying to figure out changes in my life that will work, which requires you to solve problems and prevent future problems from happening (based on past experience, yep, appeal to experience, yet it's true that experience teaches you to stop making mistakes). I haven't made any mistakes, I check my work, check my spelling to make sure it's absolutely perfect, I have a good life, but not during brain medicine, I have to quell that mistake before it takes over my life. I don't stress about the past, and I don't procrastinate, people scream at whatever's perfect, so give them a perfect round seedless bun and see if it will drive people crazy.
I love your videos even if u dont think they are perfect. They are helpful to me and so that makes it perfect for me. Because i am guilty of this subject.
i love your hair
True perfection seems imperfect. But is perfectly itself.
Excellent video
That means a lot to me Dwayne - thank you!
Thanks Julia, learned something valuable frm this video . {and I Love ur laugh at 4:31 & 6:18}
I have done it
Looking perfect always... You have to look perfect.. Soo you try soo hard to make your skin perfect, your face perfect, your body perfect aur style perfect or else your confident will goo down.. That is soo not true how can someone be perfect I'm struggling with this n I hope I go through it soon.!
The lie perfectionism tells me is that what ever I study by writing, I have to write with the best of my handwriting or else I will not understand what's the concept written. From now onwards I'll just try to move on and just focus on the concept rather than the handwriting.
I do feel this way mostly
I’ve been aware of and struggling with perfectionism in my career, but somehow didn’t put together that my obsession with analyzing all of my interactions and making sure I’ve done and said all the right things in my social life is rooted in perfectionism as well.
I thought it was more an issue of lack of trust in myself and a hefty dose of low self-esteem and need for validation. Maybe perfectionism has a negative synergistic effect with these issues, or maybe they’re one and the same?
Thanks for the insight, really digging your videos.
I used to try to control everything, but I don't anymore, I'm no longer trying to get full control of everything, I'm happy with the awful things the way they are, as an ultrapessimist I expect the worst. :)
#3 is a massive issue for me.
I am a control freak and one of the things that I struggle with. But I am working on it.
Yes yes yes controle ive donnne this sooo often ☹
I know I definitely struggle with this problem of perfectionism. I was trying to start a wine business, but it's between two businesses that I have to make a decision, and also, I have no friends that will support me, as they have done this before by not purchasing and not even saying that they would attend the tasting. I would have to make a whole new set of contacts, and this is not easy. I wish I could make a good decision and actually be successful.
May you make a video about the common cognitive distortions and as well their antidotes
Thank you !
Being a minority, I feel that if I'm not perfect in everything, someone will find a fault in me somewhere, which I feel will cause me to miss out on something I consider important (that promotion, a good grade in a presentation), and it has shaped my life as such. I'm constantly watching the way I speak, the way I walk, the way I dress. Even the people I choose to spend my time with. Because It never feels enough for some people, I continue to stress over every little thing in an attempt to make people happy. The reality of it is, I'm not happy. I feel that I'm missing out so much in life, but I'm too scared to do anything about it for fear of being seen as something less than best. Your videos are helping me see things in a much brighter light. Thank you very much.