I've told them that it's their lie and they can tell it anyway they want too. But the truth is I'm sticking to it. And give them a quick look in their eyes as I walk away from them. It shuts them down.
It took me years of being abused and gaslit before I found what works with the Narcs in my life. I say in a calm voice…”We both know what really happened, so for what purpose are you doing this” And then I walk away or hang up the phone and let them deal with their own toxic emotions.
But that could trigger revenge feelings? It's like leading a war with them. Exchanging mean things to each other? Ignoring, Grey Rock, Yellow Rock, no contact, low contact are the best weapons against narcissists.
@maxsymons3572 hmmmm .... you're right. Maybe it is passive-aggressive. But no matter what you do, you're never right, and you're never enough. The real solution seems to be to simply leave and never look back, ever!
My Response to a Narcissist is, "I see you. I see you for who and what you are". My divorce from my narcissistic ex will be finalized in about 2 months. I met him when I was 17, he was 27. I am now 45. After seeing the real him, I can now say that I have seen true evil.
Yep my ex too. Everything is about usurping. It's like they have an addiction that can never be filled. In fact I'd change the description of NPD to Usurping Disorder.
I have had almost the same experience with my husband of 25 years, soon to be ex (I pray for a quick and least painful divorce possible) I have worked as a health care provider for 30 years now and I will say, that you are 100% correct, I have also seen evil in its truest form and I saw in his eyes the day I told him I knew who and what he really was. It was the pure evil and those eyes told me clearly without saying a word that he would destroy me for this. Evil that hurts you so bad your heart and soul break, and when you find out that your person who you have loved and did everything for, didn’t not love you, they tried to high jack your soul. They murdered who your were and you know you will never be the same. So you are in shock. Unable to defend yourself, or even run at first. You know that your world will never be the same. You feel confused and find yourself asking “what just happened?” You shake your head and focus and you see a look in his eyes that tells you he WILL destroy you for this. He will destroy you for finding out who he was and how he had betrayed, lived, manipulated and abused me… and I knew he would destroy me. And he did
My famous saying to my narcissist husband is " You know this morning I woke up in my own body , with my own mind and thoughts. Stop trying to micro manage my thoughts and body as if it was your own.
I once accused my narcissistic sister of gaslighting me, and she (at 60 yrs old!) "agreed", only to not know what gaslighting even meant! Once I explained it, briefly, she was at a loss for words. Shut her up. Lying, then trying to convince me that she's telling me the truth when I clearly know it's a lie. Good luck. The advice and instruction you give is priceless. You understand. You've lived and breathed it. You've studied it. You teach and counsel it. You're highly respected and loved by all of us who "know". We know that you know. THANK YOU!💚
I do the same. I send screenshots to my mother from Insta posts that describe exactly what she has been doing. But to no avail. My mother just doesnt realize or refuses to.
@@ultimateoptimist5217 No. Psychopaths do it on purpose. Narcissists do it unintentionally or they can't do it better, or they show their love like that!
Yep. Love Danish. Hey. I have a narc sister from hell too who has been after my joy all of my life regardless of the distance kept. I sure wish I had a loving sister.
"They want to disconnect you from your intuition so that it becomes your enemy." 💯. Even after leaving the narc I met ppl who were narcs, but I kept doubting myself, and gaslighting myself and not trusting my intuition. You start to gaslight urself so much that u start to question the facts that are right in front of u.
My narc was always using the "you need help you're crazy" statement. It was his way of taking the attention off of him and to divert the blame elsewhere.
Silence is best around them as anything you say can & WILL be used against you. They will turn around & lie about you, using your own words & making it all about you.
A few days ago, I had a big public argument with a narcissistic couple. The woman was raging, saying that she didn't do anything wrong. She was so adamant, I might have believed her...if I didn't have video showing what she did. And her husband defended her, even though he was with her and saw what she did. He called me stupid, crazy, etc. in front of several onlookers. I didn't care or took it personally...I stood my ground and pointed out the flaws or incongruities of their lies. I was angry but relatively calm, knowing that the truth is on my side...and I don't respect or care for anyone who doesn't believe it.
My abusive Ex won custody of our children, after I proved in court he abuses them, all because he attacked me legally, mentally, socially, etc. to the point where my daughter stopped going to school. He then used her schooling as a way to paint me as incompetent and neglectful. He no longer thinks he can fool me, and this change made him SO MUCH MORE DANGEROUS to me and my children. I am now fighting to get my kids back, fighting mountains of debt, trying to not lose my house, AND fighting false criminal charges he filed against me. PLEASE BE CAREFUL OUT THERE!!! And please pray for me and my children! The worst part… my youngest gets his abuse the worse because he is non verbal and highly dependent. 😢 they move in with him starting this school year and I only get them 3 weekends a month… Things can always get worse!!! Move with caution!!!!
Prayers for you, Chelsea! You are going to be fine. I know this because you are strong and strengthening others in the midst of this chaos. God is near.
Praying for your miracle - imagine everyday you and your kids are happy, focus on those feels in the gaps of your daily life. Write the story down - It will gradually change your body state and behaviours and it will be an antidote to how you learnt to react to your ex.
Yes ! Write your story, keep a journal. This will stop him from affecting your physical health and in turn , your self confidence. I know this first hand. Reach out to God , he may not take this trial away, but it will make you stronger. Have a friend who will listen to you and give you hugs. Let them know that you just want them to listen so you can get things off your chest . Do this at least twice may be more times a week. I’ll be praying for you and your children.
After trying everything with our trespassing neighbour, we decided to cut to the core issue: "You've got no respect! You've got no respect! You've got no respect, do you?" This was yelled out, on repeat, overriding his lie that we were on his property, and his friend telling us to stay off his property. We just kept saying it. He stopped after that!
Yrs back at ny dad's 65th older overt coke head sis handed me a slice of cake 🎂 I said no (previously throwned out at Thanksgiving just b4 my pie tossed too, my boyfriend not around giving sis' friend a ride home) and she lied about the reason but that I said a hard no to the cake seemed too much for her to bare and I got a shocked 😲 hard blink!
I have a covert narcissist neighbor who entertains himself by engaging in passive aggressive behavior to trigger people then denies he did anything wrong. For example soon after my gardener finishes cleaning my yard he will get out a leaf blower and blow leaves from the front of his yard into mine. So I waited for him to do it and I confronted him standing in the middle of the street with his leaf blower and he began trying to gaslight me and later sent a text to all the neighbors trying to triangulate them against me. I responded with my own text that put the situation into its true context exposing his deception. I then privately confronted him again about compounding his passive aggressive behavior by deceptive misrepresenting the situation and triangulating with the neighbors. Realizing I was on to his games he exploded responding with rage rant text that exposed his maline intent to everyone. Now he's gives me the silent treatment, which is fine with me, but he doesn't blow leaves in my yard anymore.
I‘m a teacher and during the last years, students lie to my face more and more. When I tell a kid to stop talking, they’ll tell me: I didn’t say anything. But, boy, I saw you opening your mouth, turning around to face your buddy. What kind of people are we raising? They won’t acknowledge anything, even if caught red-handed. And, no, they wouldn’t face any harsh consequences, not detention or something like that.
I worked for a school board and you are so right. I left the job because of that ominous creeping change. We became excuse driven instead of a restitution response.
@@sandyberger-r9j what’s the say? You tell a lie over and over again and it soon becomes true. Same thing goes with a narcissist, they deny what they do to their victim(s) and their victim(s) start second guessing themselves. It’s happened to me, but I have no tell myself, NO. I know what I just heard.
@@HoneysCutie Yes, but it’s draining. If you try to teach 30 teenagers a foreign language, you can’t watch each of them closely. Last week, a 12 year old changed a mistake in an exam after I had corrected it. Swore she didn’t do anything, but luckily, what she had written previously was still visible under the microscope.
Entitled parents are raising narcissists. That’s what’s happening. I see it everywhere. They’re neglecting parenting over being their friend and their doormat. Unfortunately this has become the culture, it won’t be changing. I’m thankful every day that I stood by my choice to remain child free.
Friggin round and round tennis 🎾 match making no sense, are we dumb for thinking we're dealing with people of equal maturity? Definitely not intelligence but we're up for trying 🤷!
I have said, I can see you need to have the last word. I give you my permission. Takes the wind out of their sails. And anything they say after that has lost it's power.
7 years of living a pure hell with a narcissist. Get out and leave as soon as you can and do not look back. The lovebombing, the gaslighting, the discard, family and friends acting different toward you in an unfavorable way. Let go and move on. That is where the healing begins.
Whenever You site an example of a past conversation where the narcissist said something inflammatory, very negative or absurd . "I don't recall saying that" is a typical standard response from them.
I caught the Narc well and good evidence in paper work print outs and photos etc and from that moment he says NOTHING! Perfect for me - except for a few times to connect and then try to assess some sort of narc treatment etc etc.. I take any moment when it happens & show nothing , say nothing , look uninterested etc etc just the same way I’ve been treated for yrs. But I do it just to stay safe in my mind set and stay healed🙏🏼. If you can’t leave for any reason - put all the energy back to yourself & know you’re okay and you are a solid great rounded human❤. Never give up on yourself and keep working at your peace and joy 🎉I can happen🤸♀️🥰
I say, "I KNOW the truth, what you think you know is irrelevant." OR "You have every right to your opinion, but I DON'T have a right to your opinion. OR "You have every right to say what's on your mind, I have the right NOT TO LISTEN."
I learned my favorite phrase from another Narcissist Specialist on RUclips, and here it is; "I'm happy with the way I do me" . John who normally has his comeback at the ready, is always floundering when I say that. It's brilliant and works every time. The Man said it would work when the Narcissist is turning your best efforts into bitter criticisms, just dismiss all of it with that one sentence. I tried it expecting it to fail miserably, but no, it worked. His criticism fell flat! And after a brief pause, he moved on with other subjects, and all that tirade of his bull, just evaporated. Use it, it's great.
Could you explain that phrase in different words please? Because i'm polish and i can speak english quite well but i cant translate it into my language so i would reeeaaaly appreciate if you could just say it in different way so i could understand it better haha
I am watching this over and over so it sinks in. Best advice I have ever heard on how to heal, how to create personal space, to shut down, sever the circular conversation. And walk away. In PEACE. 😊 My God in Heaven May we have your Perfect Peace.❤
Whenever I would say “This is what I heard” he would say: “you heard wrong”. Or “you misunderstood”. So it continues to keep you in that loop with no way out of it. I started documenting with dates, times and very detailed descriptions. Then I would pull out my notebook and that’s what scared him enough to stop making me question my own perception.
My ex husband used to love to tell me (after insulting me) that I was being too sensitive. My response to that was that if I have told him before that it was a hurtful thing to say or do and you continue to do it, than you are being insensitive. This was powerful for me. All of the things you have discussed in this episode were part of my life for 20 years. I didn’t even know what was happening to me and I went to therapy and did so many things to try to improve myself and the relationship. It wasn’t until years after my divorce that I started to hear the term gaslighting. When I looked it up, I was so relieved to know that it was a real and true thing that happened to me. Finding your videos has been a blessing f and I thank you for your work, Danish Bashir!
Whenever they start to gaslight me, I tell the narcissist that I recorded the earlier conversation so I know that that’s not how it went.. I’ve found that that holds them a little more accountable because they can’t lie against the actual proof
I did that too with my client. She has dementia so I just bring the laptop closer and tell her to speak louder. She realizes what's happening then usually shuts up
This is it! It's the only response that works in all relationships whether workplace, family, friends, etc. And stick to facts/truth especially if it's a work related or other dynamic issue that you can't walk away from
Well if it's a workplace and it's your boss you do have to explain yourself unless you're prepared to lose the job. In fact I did what you suggested to a regional branch manager at a global steel company. I got sick of it and walked out. How I did it was I used what I say to my cat when I try to pat her and she plays hard to get by walking away every time I get near her. Now, after the first time she walks off I turn away and say, "I'm not playing that stupid game." I said that to the manager and walked out when he for about the 54th time blamed me for something utterly beyond my control. Eventually one Tuesday morning 5mins after I started I got in my car, drove to a local coffee shop sat there for 4 hours pondering my future and never went back.
Even when you stay silent to avoid aggravating the situation, he will start talking louder and louder to the point of screaming feeding himself on his own hate spoken , like he build up upon his own wrath, No reaction causes him more wrath
This is so true... "I know what happened, I am not crazy..." is the exact sentence that saved me.. even when I was in as early as in 1st grade.... No matter what I was steadfast in thinking and protecting this thought... throughout the school time and later, even now. Our subconscious brain is truly remarkable even when we are children... Maybe this is why I was able to protect my mind, at least even though I suffered so many bodily problems and pains... Sadly, it wasn't the same case with some others in the family...
I love the way Mr. Bashir delves into the specifics. He trys to bring us 10 steps ahead of these manipulative malignant narcissists, the way he understands these scenarios, you finally get a soothing sense of validation.🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
I say, " Well, I suppose that's how you see it." I sometimes feel as though I need to defend myself. When my narc mother would call me, I would return the call a few days later. Then she would forget why she even called, and then I would talk about the weather and ask how she was doing, but would not share anything about myself and she would never ask because she didn't care. And then the conversation was finished and I had to move on because I knew she didn't care about me, only herself. They are the ones who miss out, and because of her gas lighting and abusive behavior, she was not able to have a relationship with me. Praise God I know He loves me, and that's all that counts anyway. I would pray for her, that God would change her heart and that's the best thing to do for a narcissist, but you can never change them. Just stand firm in who you are and have a relationship with Jesus Christ and you will have peace.
"if you choose to lie, (or choose this path of deceit) then man up and own it! Let's keep this moving. " otherwise don't say it in the first place! This delivered in a very calm monotone with an equally disinterested face. And then don't respond in case it doesn't shut them up, in case they try justifying, deflecting, just silently calmly stare at them until they shut up.
Those are exactly the sort of things my mother says to me: “That is not what I said or did, although I remember so clearly. My problem is that I am bipolar and have had delusional episodes. She uses that to her advantage in any discussion, although I’m obviously not always delusional. She also tries to deflate me when I’m happy or positive about something good; she’ll say something like, “ I don’t know why you aren’t more confident. You should be.” It’s as though when I feel good she wants to remind me there is something wrong with me. Now that I know what is going on I just let it slide and smile. It was so awful when I was a child because she obviously hated me. I would have so enjoyed having a loving mother but it wasn’t meant to be. I try now to be compassionate but it is difficult. One horrible day she berated me over and over for drying my hands on the wrong towel. She looks at me with what my sibling calls “the stink eye.” Pure hatred. Good grief.
my mother is EXACTLY the same way and it's only getting worse as she's getting older. It seems like she is drastically becoming more and more evil every day. She's in her early 70's now and thanks to some major hardships in my life, along with her getting hurt and now being semi-disabled I chose to move back to my childhood home (thank God I was able to build a tiny house on the property to give me some separation from her, but she made sure to make the construction process a living hell while I was building it. At one point she was sneaking up behind me to startle me while I handled potentially dangerous power tools and even tried putting herself in harms way a couple times in what I guess was an attempt to be able to say I injured her had I not had keen awareness of my surroundings and seen her) Her newest thing is to bring up old "memories" of my childhood that didn't actually happen or weren't the way she is telling them. Then when I tell her I don't remember what she's talking about, she will get all nasty and tell me. Well maybe if I bothered remembering then I'd be a happier person lol All I can do is roll my eyes and walk away for quietly laugh to myself and walk away because it's just so uncalled for and always just out of the blue. Or she liked to just be as nasty and cruel as possible nonstop for days and if I finally break and snap at her she will say something along the lines of don't take my anger out on her, I need to direct it towards who ever pissed me off or don't take out my problems on her as though she didn't just push every button I have until she got under my skin. That was the worst as a kid and teenager, she made me feel insane because she would do something to set me off, then look at me stone faced and tell me she did nothing wrong, and I am just lashing out at her for no reason. She could slap me across the face and in the same moment tell me "No I didn't" if I asked why she would hit me? I suffer from depression (haha wonder why that is) on and off and she loves to stir the pot when I'm happy as though she can't stand it. But I am thankful to have finally learned what she is now that I'm a little older and I am able to stop myself from falling for her traps now that I know what she's doing. Now when she goes into her rages I just tell her I am not engaging with you if you cannot speak to me like I'm a human being and walk away. Or my new favorite defense weapon, threaten to take us to family therapy on my dime so we can hear what a professional has to say about things lol That has worked wonders, and she will usually fake being pleasant for a week or 2 after I play that card. My heart breaks for children of narcs because as kids we are defenseless against them and have no understanding for the sad fact that they play with our emotions to get a sick gratification from the pain and confusion they bring us. It's so cruel. I lived so many years not understanding and feeling crazy because no one believed me when I tried telling them how she treated me, she is a master at gas lighting unsuspecting people. Even her own family, I say hers because she made certain she told lies about me when I was still a teenager to alienate me from my aunts and uncles and cousins, so they didn't deal with me once I had gotten old enough to start trying to stand up for myself or speak out against things. I'm 39 now and I only finally learned after all these years that it wasn't me and I'm not delusional and crazy over the last 5 or 6 years and she absolutely HATES that she can't play me and my emotions like a game anymore.
So very true about your intuition. Once you start to question yourself, they've got you. Do not allow it. Yes, stay open-minded, but don't allow their poison in. Once it's there, it's so hard to get rid of it! Negativity feeds like a disease.
I was 4 years in a narcissistic relationship. Six months into the relationship I realized that I was in an abusive relationship I worked on it a while. Until I realized that I had to get rid of him. Yes he was constantly gaslighting me. Extremely frustrating as I knew he was lying and I told him that. And he denied it vehemently and told me THAT I WAS CRAZY. I knew better. This drove him crazy. Finally after 3 more years I told him that he had to go. Get out of my house. Yes my house. After 6 more months I got him out of my home my life completely. He never gave up his gaslighting me to even till the last conversation. I blocked home in every way possible. He was gone 4 years and then he died. He was probably telling others that I was what he always called me. A mean person. I did not care before and never cared after. His opinion of me never mattered to me You can never change a narcissist. Just get rid of them.
I said some of these things to my (ex) husband. This was in the mid 90’s. He got physical and he knew I couldn’t leave. I am so grateful there are better resources now.
What to say when they say you need help. Sometimes i ask them where and when they got their medical degree. Wouldn't do that with a violent narcissist though!
At the age of 35 now I'hv acquainted with all these terms,ie, gaslighting, narcissism etc & hv found myself sorrounded by extremely narcissistic personalities & feeling totally helpless...😌😌
My mother is not a narcissist (I pray to God that she's not one) but her gaslighting me is so bad that she just refuses to acknowledge the truth of things that very well did happen. She simply deviates by making it about me and telling me that I'm a negative person and should learn to see things in a positive sense. She's like a stone wall. She completely ignores the fact that the same things that happened to me, happened to my little brother too and my little brother is completely broken now. He lives a completely withdrawn life and has no contact with anyone. My mother has zero remorse, regret or empathy. I told her this and she tells me that she cant be sad all the time because of my brothers condition. She doesnt even acknowledge that both her children lives are destroyed because of her demon husband. She acts as if nothing happened. There very well are things where a human being SHOULD cry and SHOULD feel bad. My little brothers condition makes me wake up at night. I suddenly remember what happened to him and wake up and my sleep is just gone. I dont understand how my mother being his mother can just ignore this. Its so heart breaking!!!!! Danish, thanks for your daily vlogs. Could you maybe kindly also cover the topic how not only to deal with your own wounds but also how to cope with the wounds of family members? Abuse in the family concerns many ppl and some ppl may not heal as fast as others or heal at all. How can I even live knowing that I cannot help my little brother after I know exactly what he is going through and went he went through to get him into this condition. :(
Is your mom part of your dad's cult? If they're that destroyed.... Narc's are always victims and always deny wrong doing, keep watching and learning, this stuff's fascinating! ❤
@@joseenoel8093 I dont know if she is. I dont know why she acts the way she does. She has spent her entire married life fighting with the demon and its mother, her mother-in-law. I grew up listening to their screams and my grandmothers screams who surely was a narcissist. Some 20 years ago, the demon even threatened to divorce her. I have always sided with my mother, helped her as much as I could, even as a child and even prayed for her welfare. But just because she's my mother, maybe its me who's ignoring things and trying to frantically hold on to the idea that she's acting the way she is because of some dependency. Because the truth is, she has witnessed some ghastly things done to me without any concern.
In situations like these, I have said that they are free to think whatever they want, since I don't put any value on it. I have also said that they're clearly not ready yet to accept that their bad behaviour has consequences, so we're done until such time as they do. Finally, I have said that their relentless abuse means there has to be a state of permanent distance between us from now on.
One powerful response to having toxic nasty names & labels put upon you, is simply, DON’T reply, DON’T react. Let them hear their own words ring in their own ears.
Besides us living with this nightmare , which by the grace of God we are escaping- watch Big Eyes- rich, middle class, poor- anyone, anywhere, is susceptible to this type of abuse. We are NOT ALONE! DO NOT STOP FIGHTING FOR YOURSELF! YOU WILL SUCCEED! ❤❤❤
Instead of rolling over and accepting his laziness, which has recently escalated. I called him on it. He raised his voice to and demanded why I couldn’t just do it. I responded with a higher voice that why should I. Well… he threw his headphones got up slammed his fist into the wall and then the door and then once in kitchen pounded the counter. I saw the brief thought to hit me. I have a door now with a hole in it. Living with these people is not easy. It’s hard to constantly take their crap. His escalating rudeness, laziness and entitlement got me. It’s hard. My narcissistic Parents have passed, I’ve written my narcissistic sister and friend from my life. I have a life long now out of state narcissistic friend currently in town. I only see him in small bursts now. But my son who lives with me due to the fact he can’t support himself is very hard.
Thank you for this. I am trying to break a lifelong cycle of dealing with narcissists. I’m the youngest of six. The oldest was 17 when I was born and is completely narcissistic. My sweet dad passed away when I was very young. My mother was in a very vulnerable place and married an abusive narcissist. I’ve noticed that I keep getting involved with narcissists. As friends or boyfriends. I even married one. Breaking it down like you just did, is so very helpful. It helps me understand what’s really going on. I’m grateful for your advice.
18 years of living with this ! Finally left my spouse after credit ruined, business sabotaged and losing my sanity for real from his abuse.. ty for posting this helpful info … his reaction when I said I have your number and you can’t fool me was fantastic! Stopped his verbal abuse every time 🎉 enjoying my new life and cutting off everything that we shared together / can’t wait till the business is sold and last tax stuff is done. I continue to heal from the ptsd 😅
My sister has been doing this to me for years ... She's so mean, I could never explain what she was doing until one day I saw something on RUclips about narcissists I watched it, and there it was a word that describes exactly what she's been doing to me all these years. It's really sad knowing that your own sister is constantly trying to destroy you to friends and your family members. Everything is so clear once I found out what a narc is. But I love her, and she says she loves me, but I don't understand why she hates me at the same time. And she actually thinks in her head that I want things in her life to go wrong when I only want her to excel at everything. I do deal with her this way ...but instead of us getting closer, which is what I want, it's driven us farther apart, it suck knowing I will never have that loving relationship with my sister. Her kids are so messed up in their lives, and she's tried to convince my kids that it's OK to go against what I say or want from them. Except I raised my kid to respect me and respect themselves, So her tactics don't work on them, and they figured out how she is on their own, my son now can't stand her because she's always talking lies about me and my daughter just looks the other way for now and patronize's her. Which is what I did for years. I told her one day she was a narcissistic person, so now she tells everyone she knows that I'm narcissistic. Hahaha, she even says that famous Frase " hold my beer," which I found out that narcissistic people say that....and I thought that was her made-up famous, brilliant line. But no, it's not it's what Narc's say. One thing I've noticed about her is she's always right, she's the best, and she won't have a conversation with anyone unless she can talk about herself, she will leave the room. I guess it's a sickness that will never cure. It's really a sad thing. But she's still my sister, and I love her with all my heart. But I guess our loving sisterly friendship will have to wait until we're both in heaven. 😢 That's when everything will be perfect 😊.
I had an online Male friend who was really abusive and would say mean things to me when I would say "I don't like that you said that." He would deny saying it. I would say "You just said it". he would deny it again. I would say "Read back." he would say he did. I would even Copy and paste it or take a screen shot and he would STILL deny it. Our relationship did not last very long at all.
I want to thank you for sharing this information you sure have it on the nose and I am going to try this. As you spoke I just imagined the reaction of the narcissist in my life. Please continue with this sooo many people don't even realize this is what is going on with them... thanks again
My mother is a narc and plays this game constantly with me. She will say something horrible and within minutes of me calling her out she will say she didn't say it. Another of her favorites is to repeat what I say, for example, I'll say "Stop yelling" and she will say "You are the one yelling, so you stop yelling". It is maddening. I am with the guy who commented above saying it's best to say as little as possible to these crazies. It causes a complete communication break down but it keeps my sanity intact.
"that is what I heard" = "RUBBISH! I DIDN'T SAY THAT!".. and on and on circular argument; shouted at you. I think you nailed it yourself Danish.."what I heard will not be dictated by you". That's better. You've got to be direct, and this line let's them know in no uncertain terms that you are aware of what they're trying to do.
when you say when they wrongly blame you you should not respond in any way and stay calm. But what i am dealing with it is the blaming becomes more and more and he starts treating even more worse as i keep quite. he creates hell if i don't beg him for sorry even though its not my fault. I am not able to break from him as i don't have any financial and emotional support.
It's hard to imagine there is support when you're in the thick of it, but you really need it. If in the UK there are free groups you can go to that will help you, step by step. Have a look for leaflets in community areas, doctor's, hospitals, libraries. I'm sure it's the same in the US. In the meantime try to do little things for yourself to help you remember who you are without his voice in your head. Please do look for support, maybe online? but don't let him know anything. Stay safe :)
I prayed are answering prayers as if you were sitting right before me been giving me information as if God is for me himself telling me how to manage, and respond, so I won’t get entangledin circular abusive communication & conversations to make me doubt my OWN reality thank you for making it and providing so much ’CLARITY’ To me. I appreciate your intimacy and I’d love this intimate connect with you so that I can learn how to protect myself and not become part of this destructive behaviors with this relationship. He is my husband of 50 years. I am so grateful thank you.
Thank you... I notice narcissistic behavior in so many people.... I need these tactics to avoid engaging in it with ANYONE I suspect is trying this gaslight shit 🎉❤🎉❤🎉
Unfortunate sometimes for the narcissist(s) when they are in denial about the facts we are complaining about which have not affected them too yet. When they are constant trying to shut down any trauma survivors who are not from their pre-approved first communities.
I love that, “you don’t have any power here!” As was said to the wicked witch of the West - “Be gone with You, You have NO Power here!!” Best saying 🥳🤸♀️even if you silently think it over again-it’s a very good building block back for yourself❣️
I love your videos. They are very informative and helpful. I married a narcissist. I didn't know he was like this when we first got together. I've dealt with that dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type stuff, the emotional rollercoaster, the gaslighting, the abuse. I've heard everything come out of him that you have said in your videos. He's manipulative, a liar, a cheater, and he takes absolutely no accountability for anything he has ever done or said to me. He would hit me and then say that he didn't, or say that he didn't hit me, he fell on me or that he threw something and didn't mean for it to hit me; trying to confuse me. Of course it didn't work. i know full well what he did to me, from the lies to ever push, punch and kick. I've dealt with the love bombing and trauma bonding. And he used me as an object. I'm currently still with him as of this comment but I'm planning on leaving him in just a few days. I have taken the proper steps and precautions to make sure that i can leave peacefully and safely. Question is, how do i cope and deal after leaving? What are the next steps as soon as I depart from this toxicity? Do I need counseling? I can't watch certain things on tv without it bringing up the flashbacks of the abuse. Could I have ptsd from this and if so, how do i manage that?
I hope you’ve left and it did go well. I was in similar relationship and also have a narcissistic mother. Yes PTSD or Complex ptsd can be the result after years of abuse and trauma bonding. Therapy has helped me a lot and watching different videos here on yt from people like Danish and others who also have experience from their own life.. (Check out “Crappy Childhood Fairy” also) Best wishes for your future 🥰❤️
I hope you’ve left. Yes, get some counseling. It wouldn’t hurt. They will help you start anew. Even if it’s for a little while. Start reading the Bible and understand how much God loves you. God values you. Start with the Gospel of John. Narcissism is demonic.
On the odd occasion when I have to be in his presence, I ALWAYS act and speak like he's secretly recording me. He's the type to do that to try and use it against me. I'm always calm and slightly bored when I speak to him. This is what I've said to him most recently. 1. "Whatever you say, dude." This is very dismissive and narcs don't like it. When he gets frustrated and pushes back at me, I look at him with an amused look on my face and say, "Hey, calm down, I'm agreeing with you. Only a psycho would get mad when someone is agreeing with them. You're not a psycho, are you?" Then I look at him with a slightly concerned frown. It freaks him out and he'll either fume in silence and I then ignore him, or he calls me a bad name, which I laugh at and then completely ignore him. 2. "My house, my rules." I moved house and he wanted to know where I lived. I told him he wasn't welcome at my house and he's not invited to visit so he doesn't need to know my new address. Him: "I can easily find out where you live, I know people." Me: "No you don't." Him: "Yes I do." Me: "No you don't." Him: "You have no idea what kind of people I know." At this point, I laughed and said, "You are so cute when you're delusional." Then I ignored him. He was most upset and called a me few choice names. Me: "I'm bored, you're boring, I'm leaving." Then I walked away. He CANNOT handle that but as we are always in public when a meeting happens, his rage is impotent. Most of the time I just ignore him or go grey man with my responses but sometimes I feel like trolling him for my own amusement. It won't work for every narc, especially the ones who are obviously violent. But my narc doesn't want to look bad in public. He's always trying to find the right buttons to push on me (hint: they don't exist any more).
I had to start calling out my narcissistic person. He would say if you would stop with your mouth I would do whatever it was .. and we went around and around with that. I finally said "Just shut up a dang minute... I wouldn't be talking at all if you weren't doing the things you're doing so stop because this ain't happening anymore. You're a gas lighter and you're being nasty. I've met you before and I got the assignment. He didn't know what to think and believe it or not it stopped because i told him he thought he was screwing with my head but it was actually the other way around. He used to say you knew what I was doing and I said you don't know what I know or what I saw or heard. You have to put a stop to them because they don't care about you and will swear they love you. I turned mine around because I called it out.
Break the Trauma Bond in 5 Steps:
www.emotionalabuserecovery.com/breaking-the-trauma-bond
I've told them that it's their lie and they can tell it anyway they want too. But the truth is I'm sticking to it. And give them a quick look in their eyes as I walk away from them. It shuts them down.
From my personal experience with a narcissist who is easily triggered,the less said the better.
After years of abuse from a covert narcissist, I just can't keep quiet any longer. I have call this person out on her lies.
Yes, my father takes EVERYTHING personally.
@jasonryan1199 Very true, she just kept it up! Slander, lies and much worse!
Agreed
@jasonryan1199 That is the scary part, and she is no kid!
Silence is golden with narcissists. Nothing you say will help.
It took me years of being abused and gaslit before I found what works with the Narcs in my life. I say in a calm voice…”We both know what really happened, so for what purpose are you doing this” And then I walk away or hang up the phone and let them deal with their own toxic emotions.
This is the one💭
this is what I needed
Thank you
good ONE
God bless you.
The best response could be just a smirk, a short laugh, and then you simply walk away.
Total indifference after that.
Full stop.
But that could trigger revenge feelings? It's like leading a war with them. Exchanging mean things to each other? Ignoring, Grey Rock, Yellow Rock, no contact, low contact are the best weapons against narcissists.
That's just passive-aggressive
@shairaptor1865 you're right, really. But no matter what you do, you're always wrong, and there'll always be revenge.
@maxsymons3572 hmmmm .... you're right. Maybe it is passive-aggressive.
But no matter what you do, you're never right, and you're never enough. The real solution seems to be to simply leave and never look back, ever!
@@shehlatanveer2731 Exactly!
Yes , you can’t win with them. Just remember that you’re not crazy , they are!
My Response to a Narcissist is, "I see you. I see you for who and what you are". My divorce from my narcissistic ex will be finalized in about 2 months. I met him when I was 17, he was 27. I am now 45. After seeing the real him, I can now say that I have seen true evil.
Yep my ex too. Everything is about usurping. It's like they have an addiction that can never be filled.
In fact I'd change the description of NPD to Usurping Disorder.
I have had almost the same experience with my husband of 25 years, soon to be ex (I pray for a quick and least painful divorce possible)
I have worked as a health care provider for 30 years now and I will say, that you are 100% correct, I have also seen evil in its truest form and I saw in his eyes the day I told him I knew who and what he really was. It was the pure evil and those eyes told me clearly without saying a word that he would destroy me for this.
Evil that hurts you so bad your heart and soul break, and when you find out that your person who you have loved and did everything for, didn’t not love you, they tried to high jack your soul. They murdered who your were and you know you will never be the same. So you are in shock. Unable to defend yourself, or even run at first. You know that your world will never be the same. You feel confused and find yourself asking “what just happened?”
You shake your head and focus and you see a look in his eyes that tells you he WILL destroy you for this.
He will destroy you for finding out who he was and how he had betrayed, lived, manipulated and abused me… and I knew he would destroy me.
And he did
Same here
I hear you. It happened to me too
... can never be filled. 👍 Like a Black Hole.
Silence and facts are the best responses to a narcissist. Avoiding them is crucial.
Stay away from narcissists lobbies is the only option
Gaslighting me was actually their biggest mistake, it's then that I resolved to fire them from my life.
Same here! She over reached. Now she's lost her supply.
Me too, and never been more at peace.
My best response to being told that something didn't happen is "Did you forget that I was there".
My famous saying to my narcissist husband is " You know this morning I woke up in my own body , with my own mind and thoughts. Stop trying to micro manage my thoughts and body as if it was your own.
I once accused my narcissistic sister of gaslighting me, and she (at 60 yrs old!) "agreed", only to not know what gaslighting even meant! Once I explained it, briefly, she was at a loss for words. Shut her up.
Lying, then trying to convince me that she's telling me the truth when I clearly know it's a lie. Good luck.
The advice and instruction you give is priceless. You understand. You've lived and breathed it. You've studied it. You teach and counsel it. You're highly respected and loved by all of us who "know". We know that you know.
THANK YOU!💚
I do the same. I send screenshots to my mother from Insta posts that describe exactly what she has been doing. But to no avail. My mother just doesnt realize or refuses to.
Narcissists don't gaslight (psychopaths do) but confabulate, due to extreme memory gaps.
Narcs are psychopaths 😂
@@ultimateoptimist5217 No. Psychopaths do it on purpose. Narcissists do it unintentionally or they can't do it better, or they show their love like that!
Yep. Love Danish. Hey. I have a narc sister from hell too who has been after my joy all of my life regardless of the distance kept. I sure wish I had a loving sister.
Your channel helps me stay right in my head, through the Narcissist's manipulative narrative.
💯💯💯💜🙏🕊️🕊️
"They want to disconnect you from your intuition so that it becomes your enemy." 💯. Even after leaving the narc I met ppl who were narcs, but I kept doubting myself, and gaslighting myself and not trusting my intuition. You start to gaslight urself so much that u start to question the facts that are right in front of u.
Absolutely
Always trust your intuitions and his actions, not his words.
" if you think so" and walk away. This has helped me enormously. Their thoughts have nothing to do with you.
Silence wins and left them guessing all the time. I carry on living my life and left them to karma
My narc was always using the "you need help you're crazy" statement. It was his way of taking the attention off of him and to divert the blame elsewhere.
This is so helpful. Everything with a narcissist is fake, dodgy, uncomfortable, twisted and filthy. Thank you, Danish 🙏🏻
Seducing, cunning, crafty ,twisting, convincing ,deceiving....AKA Leviathan
May God raise up his strong sword against him in Jesus name I stand and watch the Lord fight my battles
@@JesuisLord AMEN 🙏⚔️🙌
👍
Also why they rage when their looks start to go, they're losing a skill
@@JesuisLordAMEN AND AMEN AND AMEN JESUS HAD THE VICTORY!!! I cling to the ROCK of His Almighty Name!! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Silence is best around them as anything you say can & WILL be used against you. They will turn around & lie about you, using your own words & making it all about you.
Thanks Danish for the continuous efforts to rescue the victims 💖
A few days ago, I had a big public argument with a narcissistic couple. The woman was raging, saying that she didn't do anything wrong. She was so adamant, I might have believed her...if I didn't have video showing what she did. And her husband defended her, even though he was with her and saw what she did. He called me stupid, crazy, etc. in front of several onlookers. I didn't care or took it personally...I stood my ground and pointed out the flaws or incongruities of their lies. I was angry but relatively calm, knowing that the truth is on my side...and I don't respect or care for anyone who doesn't believe it.
"Have respect", or "You've got no respect!" Have worked too.
Documentation is essential with them in all serious situations.
My abusive Ex won custody of our children, after I proved in court he abuses them, all because he attacked me legally, mentally, socially, etc. to the point where my daughter stopped going to school. He then used her schooling as a way to paint me as incompetent and neglectful. He no longer thinks he can fool me, and this change made him SO MUCH MORE DANGEROUS to me and my children. I am now fighting to get my kids back, fighting mountains of debt, trying to not lose my house, AND fighting false criminal charges he filed against me. PLEASE BE CAREFUL OUT THERE!!! And please pray for me and my children! The worst part… my youngest gets his abuse the worse because he is non verbal and highly dependent. 😢 they move in with him starting this school year and I only get them 3 weekends a month…
Things can always get worse!!! Move with caution!!!!
Prayers for you, Chelsea! You are going to be fine. I know this because you are strong and strengthening others in the midst of this chaos. God is near.
Good luck and please don’t give up ❤
Praying for your miracle - imagine everyday you and your kids are happy, focus on those feels in the gaps of your daily life. Write the story down - It will gradually change your body state and behaviours and it will be an antidote to how you learnt to react to your ex.
Yes !
Write your story, keep a journal. This will stop him from affecting your physical health and in turn , your self confidence. I know this first hand. Reach out to God , he may not take this trial away, but it will make you stronger. Have a friend who will listen to you and give you hugs. Let them know that you just want them to listen so you can get things off your chest . Do this at least twice may be more times a week. I’ll be praying for you and your children.
Prayers n lots of strength 4 u n you kids🙏🙏❤❤
Constantly they twist every word. Every interaction. Every ATTEMPT at discussion.
I have learned to say, "I'll take that into consideration." Hard for them to argue with that.
I like that. Thanks much! Just like a parent, actually. 😊
After trying everything with our trespassing neighbour, we decided to cut to the core issue: "You've got no respect! You've got no respect! You've got no respect, do you?" This was yelled out, on repeat, overriding his lie that we were on his property, and his friend telling us to stay off his property. We just kept saying it.
He stopped after that!
@@jomansson5742 EXCELLENT. Ya spoke Truth - short+sweet, Clear & Openly - then left the rest to the nutz.
@@TargttdGma Exactly, because then he had to prove that he DID have respect lol
@@jomansson5742 Maybe ... or they have a mental blockage from open humiliation ... and must recharge.
I told her: "There is nothing you need to explain to me. I just need you to understand that I see you for what you really are. "
You rock!
I like that blink strategy. Totally shows them who the dominant one really is.
Yrs back at ny dad's 65th older overt coke head sis handed me a slice of cake 🎂 I said no (previously throwned out at Thanksgiving just b4 my pie tossed too, my boyfriend not around giving sis' friend a ride home) and she lied about the reason but that I said a hard no to the cake seemed too much for her to bare and I got a shocked 😲 hard blink!
Um…, what? I couldn’t understand what you wrote Jose
Me Too! Very insightful, indeed. 🦋
I tried the blink strategy. Since he was refusing to look at my face, it did at least accomplish a healthy pause.
I have a covert narcissist neighbor who entertains himself by engaging in passive aggressive behavior to trigger people then denies he did anything wrong. For example soon after my gardener finishes cleaning my yard he will get out a leaf blower and blow leaves from the front of his yard into mine. So I waited for him to do it and I confronted him standing in the middle of the street with his leaf blower and he began trying to gaslight me and later sent a text to all the neighbors trying to triangulate them against me. I responded with my own text that put the situation into its true context exposing his deception. I then privately confronted him again about compounding his passive aggressive behavior by deceptive misrepresenting the situation and triangulating with the neighbors. Realizing I was on to his games he exploded responding with rage rant text that exposed his maline intent to everyone. Now he's gives me the silent treatment, which is fine with me, but he doesn't blow leaves in my yard anymore.
Bravo! Well done! You should be proud of yourself for refusing to take his unacceptable and childish behaviour and exposing him for who he really is.
A good line is 'whatever you say' with a return smirk. ☺️
THAT SMIRK THAT YOU WANT TO SMACK OFF THEIR EVIL, UGLY FACE! I remember that smirk all too well and at very bad times. He was evil.
I was bent over with stomach pains (CA) he was on one elbow In the bedroom grinning at my pain. He didn't know I saw him, maliciously grinning.
@@csc8697 omg, what an unbelievable monster - not only lacking any empathy, but taking delight in your pain. What an epic asshole! 😯
I‘m a teacher and during the last years, students lie to my face more and more. When I tell a kid to stop talking, they’ll tell me: I didn’t say anything. But, boy, I saw you opening your mouth, turning around to face your buddy. What kind of people are we raising? They won’t acknowledge anything, even if caught red-handed. And, no, they wouldn’t face any harsh consequences, not detention or something like that.
I worked for a school board and you are so right. I left the job because of that ominous creeping change. We became excuse driven instead of a restitution response.
@@sandyberger-r9j what’s the say? You tell a lie over and over again and it soon becomes true. Same thing goes with a narcissist, they deny what they do to their victim(s) and their victim(s) start second guessing themselves. It’s happened to me, but I have no tell myself, NO. I know what I just heard.
@@HoneysCutie Yes, but it’s draining. If you try to teach 30 teenagers a foreign language, you can’t watch each of them closely. Last week, a 12 year old changed a mistake in an exam after I had corrected it. Swore she didn’t do anything, but luckily, what she had written previously was still visible under the microscope.
@@sandyberger-r9j I get it. I honestly believe there are few parents who actually parent correctly anymore.
Entitled parents are raising narcissists. That’s what’s happening. I see it everywhere. They’re neglecting parenting over being their friend and their doormat. Unfortunately this has become the culture, it won’t be changing. I’m thankful every day that I stood by my choice to remain child free.
I let the narcissist have the last say so that I could keep my sanity and it worked .
Friggin round and round tennis 🎾 match making no sense, are we dumb for thinking we're dealing with people of equal maturity? Definitely not intelligence but we're up for trying 🤷!
I have said, I can see you need to have the last word. I give you my permission.
Takes the wind out of their sails. And anything they say after that has lost it's power.
7 years of living a pure hell with a narcissist. Get out and leave as soon as you can and do not look back. The lovebombing, the gaslighting, the discard, family and friends acting different toward you in an unfavorable way. Let go and move on. That is where the healing begins.
This is so helpful. Their gaslighting is insane and the damage they cause is awful, it has to stop. Thank you, Danish 🙏🏻
I am so glad i keep a diary and I record them
Whenever You site an example of a past conversation where the narcissist said something inflammatory, very negative or absurd . "I don't recall saying that" is a typical standard response from them.
I caught the Narc well and good evidence in paper work print outs and photos etc and from that moment he says NOTHING! Perfect for me - except for a few times to connect and then try to assess some sort of narc treatment etc etc.. I take any moment when it happens & show nothing , say nothing , look uninterested etc etc just the same way I’ve been treated for yrs. But I do it just to stay safe in my mind set and stay healed🙏🏼. If you can’t leave for any reason - put all the energy back to yourself & know you’re okay and you are a solid great rounded human❤. Never give up on yourself and keep working at your peace and joy 🎉I can happen🤸♀️🥰
I say, "I KNOW the truth, what you think you know is irrelevant." OR "You have every right to your opinion, but I DON'T have a right to your opinion. OR "You have every right to say what's on your mind, I have the right NOT TO LISTEN."
I am not an unreliable narrator in my own story, and treating me as such undermines my mental health. New affirmation today.
I learned my favorite phrase from another Narcissist Specialist on RUclips, and here it is; "I'm happy with the way I do me" . John who normally has his comeback at the ready, is always floundering when I say that. It's brilliant and works every time. The Man said it would work when the Narcissist is turning your best efforts into bitter criticisms, just dismiss all of it with that one sentence. I tried it expecting it to fail miserably, but no, it worked. His criticism fell flat! And after a brief pause, he moved on with other subjects, and all that tirade of his bull, just evaporated. Use it, it's great.
Could you explain that phrase in different words please? Because i'm polish and i can speak english quite well but i cant translate it into my language so i would reeeaaaly appreciate if you could just say it in different way so i could understand it better haha
@@klejjxd I am happy with the way I do things, I am happy with my life.
I am watching this over and over so it sinks in. Best advice I have ever heard on how to heal, how to create personal space, to shut down, sever the circular conversation. And walk away. In PEACE. 😊 My God in Heaven May we have your Perfect Peace.❤
Whenever I would say “This is what I heard” he would say: “you heard wrong”. Or “you misunderstood”. So it continues to keep you in that loop with no way out of it. I started documenting with dates, times and very detailed descriptions. Then I would pull out my notebook and that’s what scared him enough to stop making me question my own perception.
My ex husband used to love to tell me (after insulting me) that I was being too sensitive. My response to that was that if I have told him before that it was a hurtful thing to say or do and you continue to do it, than you are being insensitive. This was powerful for me.
All of the things you have discussed in this episode were part of my life for 20 years. I didn’t even know what was happening to me and I went to therapy and did so many things to try to improve myself and the relationship. It wasn’t until years after my divorce that I started to hear the term gaslighting. When I looked it up, I was so relieved to know that it was a real and true thing that happened to me. Finding your videos has been a blessing f and I thank you for your work, Danish Bashir!
I'm always waiting for you to upload a new video. Keep doing your good work
I love your channel❤
Now that i am seeing everything clear i am just disgusted by this person
A lot of these techniques are ones that I've witnessed narcissists employing, themselves, and that makes me a bit uncomfortable to use them.
Yes,
No need to explain yourself. Your friends already know and your enemies won't believe you anyways.
You & Dr. Ramani literally “The Best” thank you Danish for all you do in this community 🙏🏻
Whenever they start to gaslight me, I tell the narcissist that I recorded the earlier conversation so I know that that’s not how it went.. I’ve found that that holds them a little more accountable because they can’t lie against the actual proof
I did that too with my client. She has dementia so I just bring the laptop closer and tell her to speak louder. She realizes what's happening then usually shuts up
Want to avoid gaslighting? Don’t engage. Don’t play the game.
This is it! It's the only response that works in all relationships whether workplace, family, friends, etc. And stick to facts/truth especially if it's a work related or other dynamic issue that you can't walk away from
Well if it's a workplace and it's your boss you do have to explain yourself unless you're prepared to lose the job.
In fact I did what you suggested to a regional branch manager at a global steel company. I got sick of it and walked out.
How I did it was I used what I say to my cat when I try to pat her and she plays hard to get by walking away every time I get near her. Now, after the first time she walks off I turn away and say, "I'm not playing that stupid game."
I said that to the manager and walked out when he for about the 54th time blamed me for something utterly beyond my control.
Eventually one Tuesday morning 5mins after I started I got in my car, drove to a local coffee shop sat there for 4 hours pondering my future and never went back.
Even when you stay silent to avoid aggravating the situation, he will start talking louder and louder to the point of screaming feeding himself on his own hate spoken , like he build up upon his own wrath, No reaction causes him more wrath
This is so true... "I know what happened, I am not crazy..." is the exact sentence that saved me.. even when I was in as early as in 1st grade.... No matter what I was steadfast in thinking and protecting this thought... throughout the school time and later, even now. Our subconscious brain is truly remarkable even when we are children... Maybe this is why I was able to protect my mind, at least even though I suffered so many bodily problems and pains...
Sadly, it wasn't the same case with some others in the family...
I love the way Mr. Bashir delves into the specifics.
He trys to bring us 10 steps ahead of these manipulative malignant narcissists, the way he understands these scenarios, you finally get a soothing sense of validation.🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
I say, " Well, I suppose that's how you see it." I sometimes feel as though I need to defend myself. When my narc mother would call me, I would return the call a few days later. Then she would forget why she even called, and then I would talk about the weather and ask how she was doing, but would not share anything about myself and she would never ask because she didn't care. And then the conversation was finished and I had to move on because I knew she didn't care about me, only herself. They are the ones who miss out, and because of her gas lighting and abusive behavior, she was not able to have a relationship with me. Praise God I know He loves me, and that's all that counts anyway. I would pray for her, that God would change her heart and that's the best thing to do for a narcissist, but you can never change them. Just stand firm in who you are and have a relationship with Jesus Christ and you will have peace.
"if you choose to lie, (or choose this path of deceit) then man up and own it! Let's keep this moving. " otherwise don't say it in the first place! This delivered in a very calm monotone with an equally disinterested face. And then don't respond in case it doesn't shut them up, in case they try justifying, deflecting, just silently calmly stare at them until they shut up.
Those are exactly the sort of things my mother says to me: “That is not what I said or did, although I remember so clearly. My problem is that I am bipolar and have had delusional episodes. She uses that to her advantage in any discussion, although I’m obviously not always delusional. She also tries to deflate me when I’m happy or positive about something good; she’ll say something like, “ I don’t know why you aren’t more confident. You should be.” It’s as though when I feel good she wants to remind me there is something wrong with me. Now that I know what is going on I just let it slide and smile. It was so awful when I was a child because she obviously hated me. I would have so enjoyed having a loving mother but it wasn’t meant to be. I try now to be compassionate but it is difficult. One horrible day she berated me over and over for drying my hands on the wrong towel. She looks at me with what my sibling calls “the stink eye.” Pure hatred. Good grief.
my mother is EXACTLY the same way and it's only getting worse as she's getting older. It seems like she is drastically becoming more and more evil every day. She's in her early 70's now and thanks to some major hardships in my life, along with her getting hurt and now being semi-disabled I chose to move back to my childhood home (thank God I was able to build a tiny house on the property to give me some separation from her, but she made sure to make the construction process a living hell while I was building it. At one point she was sneaking up behind me to startle me while I handled potentially dangerous power tools and even tried putting herself in harms way a couple times in what I guess was an attempt to be able to say I injured her had I not had keen awareness of my surroundings and seen her) Her newest thing is to bring up old "memories" of my childhood that didn't actually happen or weren't the way she is telling them. Then when I tell her I don't remember what she's talking about, she will get all nasty and tell me. Well maybe if I bothered remembering then I'd be a happier person lol All I can do is roll my eyes and walk away for quietly laugh to myself and walk away because it's just so uncalled for and always just out of the blue. Or she liked to just be as nasty and cruel as possible nonstop for days and if I finally break and snap at her she will say something along the lines of don't take my anger out on her, I need to direct it towards who ever pissed me off or don't take out my problems on her as though she didn't just push every button I have until she got under my skin. That was the worst as a kid and teenager, she made me feel insane because she would do something to set me off, then look at me stone faced and tell me she did nothing wrong, and I am just lashing out at her for no reason. She could slap me across the face and in the same moment tell me "No I didn't" if I asked why she would hit me? I suffer from depression (haha wonder why that is) on and off and she loves to stir the pot when I'm happy as though she can't stand it. But I am thankful to have finally learned what she is now that I'm a little older and I am able to stop myself from falling for her traps now that I know what she's doing. Now when she goes into her rages I just tell her I am not engaging with you if you cannot speak to me like I'm a human being and walk away. Or my new favorite defense weapon, threaten to take us to family therapy on my dime so we can hear what a professional has to say about things lol That has worked wonders, and she will usually fake being pleasant for a week or 2 after I play that card. My heart breaks for children of narcs because as kids we are defenseless against them and have no understanding for the sad fact that they play with our emotions to get a sick gratification from the pain and confusion they bring us. It's so cruel. I lived so many years not understanding and feeling crazy because no one believed me when I tried telling them how she treated me, she is a master at gas lighting unsuspecting people. Even her own family, I say hers because she made certain she told lies about me when I was still a teenager to alienate me from my aunts and uncles and cousins, so they didn't deal with me once I had gotten old enough to start trying to stand up for myself or speak out against things. I'm 39 now and I only finally learned after all these years that it wasn't me and I'm not delusional and crazy over the last 5 or 6 years and she absolutely HATES that she can't play me and my emotions like a game anymore.
So very true about your intuition. Once you start to question yourself, they've got you. Do not allow it. Yes, stay open-minded, but don't allow their poison in. Once it's there, it's so hard to get rid of it! Negativity feeds like a disease.
The 5 blink response really made sense to me…thank you
You are right 100% They will not change no matter😢
I was 4 years in a narcissistic relationship. Six months into the relationship I realized that I was in an abusive relationship I worked on it a while. Until I realized that I had to get rid of him. Yes he was constantly gaslighting me. Extremely frustrating as I knew he was lying and I told him that. And he denied it vehemently and told me THAT I WAS CRAZY. I knew better. This drove him crazy. Finally after 3 more years I told him that he had to go. Get out of my house. Yes my house. After 6 more months I got him out of my home my life completely.
He never gave up his gaslighting me to even till the last conversation. I blocked home in every way possible. He was gone 4 years and then he died. He was probably telling others that I was what he always called me. A mean person. I did not care before and never cared after. His opinion of me never mattered to me
You can never change a narcissist. Just get rid of them.
I said some of these things to my (ex) husband. This was in the mid 90’s. He got physical and he knew I couldn’t leave. I am so grateful there are better resources now.
What to say when they say you need help. Sometimes i ask them where and when they got their medical degree. Wouldn't do that with a violent narcissist though!
He is gone for good. He always said it was my way or the highway. That was him! Praise God he is outta here
You doing the Lord’s work. Thank you 🙏🏾
The most jarring things for my abusive parent were someone just stopping; so, walk away, hang up, silence.
At the age of 35 now I'hv acquainted with all these terms,ie, gaslighting, narcissism etc & hv found myself sorrounded by extremely narcissistic personalities & feeling totally helpless...😌😌
Keep on watching Danish's videos and you won't feel helpless any more, but empowered! 😃
Great advice, done it , it works. Had a chance to escape on time forever to freedom.
My mother is not a narcissist (I pray to God that she's not one) but her gaslighting me is so bad that she just refuses to acknowledge the truth of things that very well did happen.
She simply deviates by making it about me and telling me that I'm a negative person and should learn to see things in a positive sense.
She's like a stone wall. She completely ignores the fact that the same things that happened to me, happened to my little brother too and my little brother is completely broken now. He lives a completely withdrawn life and has no contact with anyone. My mother has zero remorse, regret or empathy. I told her this and she tells me that she cant be sad all the time because of my brothers condition. She doesnt even acknowledge that both her children lives are destroyed because of her demon husband. She acts as if nothing happened.
There very well are things where a human being SHOULD cry and SHOULD feel bad.
My little brothers condition makes me wake up at night. I suddenly remember what happened to him and wake up and my sleep is just gone. I dont understand how my mother being his mother can just ignore this. Its so heart breaking!!!!!
Danish, thanks for your daily vlogs. Could you maybe kindly also cover the topic how not only to deal with your own wounds but also how to cope with the wounds of family members? Abuse in the family concerns many ppl and some ppl may not heal as fast as others or heal at all.
How can I even live knowing that I cannot help my little brother after I know exactly what he is going through and went he went through to get him into this condition. :(
Is your mom part of your dad's cult? If they're that destroyed.... Narc's are always victims and always deny wrong doing, keep watching and learning, this stuff's fascinating! ❤
Narcissists most glaring characteristic is that They Don’t Care.
They have no compassion
@@joseenoel8093 I dont know if she is. I dont know why she acts the way she does.
She has spent her entire married life fighting with the demon and its mother, her mother-in-law. I grew up listening to their screams and my grandmothers screams who surely was a narcissist.
Some 20 years ago, the demon even threatened to divorce her. I have always sided with my mother, helped her as much as I could, even as a child and even prayed for her welfare.
But just because she's my mother, maybe its me who's ignoring things and trying to frantically hold on to the idea that she's acting the way she is because of some dependency.
Because the truth is, she has witnessed some ghastly things done to me without any concern.
@@KBArchery She doesnt care. Thats the truth.
@@rahulm2827learn about trauma bind with a parent and also seek the truth who is Jesus Christ .
In situations like these, I have said that they are free to think whatever they want, since I don't put any value on it. I have also said that they're clearly not ready yet to accept that their bad behaviour has consequences, so we're done until such time as they do. Finally, I have said that their relentless abuse means there has to be a state of permanent distance between us from now on.
One powerful response to having toxic nasty names & labels put upon you, is simply, DON’T reply, DON’T react. Let them hear their own words ring in their own ears.
Besides us living with this nightmare , which by the grace of God we are escaping- watch Big Eyes- rich, middle class, poor- anyone, anywhere, is susceptible to this type of abuse. We are NOT ALONE! DO NOT STOP FIGHTING FOR YOURSELF! YOU WILL SUCCEED! ❤❤❤
Great work… helping millions of people to overcome and deal with Narcissistic abuse.
Instead of rolling over and accepting his laziness, which has recently escalated. I called him on it. He raised his voice to and demanded why I couldn’t just do it. I responded with a higher voice that why should I.
Well… he threw his headphones got up slammed his fist into the wall and then the door and then once in kitchen pounded the counter. I saw the brief thought to hit me. I have a door now with a hole in it. Living with these people is not easy. It’s hard to constantly take their crap. His escalating rudeness, laziness and entitlement got me. It’s hard. My narcissistic Parents have passed, I’ve written my narcissistic sister and friend from my life. I have a life long now out of state narcissistic friend currently in town. I only see him in small bursts now. But my son who lives with me due to the fact he can’t support himself is very hard.
Thank you for this. I am trying to break a lifelong cycle of dealing with narcissists. I’m the youngest of six. The oldest was 17 when I was born and is completely narcissistic. My sweet dad passed away when I was very young. My mother was in a very vulnerable place and married an abusive narcissist. I’ve noticed that I keep getting involved with narcissists. As friends or boyfriends. I even married one.
Breaking it down like you just did, is so very helpful. It helps me understand what’s really going on. I’m grateful for your advice.
18 years of living with this ! Finally left my spouse after credit ruined, business sabotaged and losing my sanity for real from his abuse.. ty for posting this helpful info … his reaction when I said I have your number and you can’t fool me was fantastic! Stopped his verbal abuse every time 🎉 enjoying my new life and cutting off everything that we shared together / can’t wait till the business is sold and last tax stuff is done. I continue to heal from the ptsd 😅
My sister has been doing this to me for years ... She's so mean, I could never explain what she was doing until one day I saw something on RUclips about narcissists I watched it, and there it was a word that describes exactly what she's been doing to me all these years. It's really sad knowing that your own sister is constantly trying to destroy you to friends and your family members. Everything is so clear once I found out what a narc is. But I love her, and she says she loves me, but I don't understand why she hates me at the same time. And she actually thinks in her head that I want things in her life to go wrong when I only want her to excel at everything. I do deal with her this way ...but instead of us getting closer, which is what I want, it's driven us farther apart, it suck knowing I will never have that loving relationship with my sister.
Her kids are so messed up in their lives, and she's tried to convince my kids that it's OK to go against what I say or want from them. Except I raised my kid to respect me and respect themselves, So her tactics don't work on them, and they figured out how she is on their own, my son now can't stand her because she's always talking lies about me and my daughter just looks the other way for now and patronize's her. Which is what I did for years. I told her one day she was a narcissistic person, so now she tells everyone she knows that I'm narcissistic. Hahaha, she even says that famous Frase " hold my beer," which I found out that narcissistic people say that....and I thought that was her made-up famous, brilliant line. But no, it's not it's what Narc's say. One thing I've noticed about her is she's always right, she's the best, and she won't have a conversation with anyone unless she can talk about herself, she will leave the room. I guess it's a sickness that will never cure. It's really a sad thing. But she's still my sister, and I love her with all my heart. But I guess our loving sisterly friendship will have to wait until we're both in heaven. 😢
That's when everything will be perfect 😊.
I learnt to say okay to a demand, knowing I wasn’t going to act on what they were demanding of me … but only once I wasn’t living with them.
I had an online Male friend who was really abusive and would say mean things to me when I would say "I don't like that you said that." He would deny saying it. I would say "You just said it". he would deny it again. I would say "Read back." he would say he did. I would even Copy and paste it or take a screen shot and he would STILL deny it. Our relationship did not last very long at all.
I want to thank you for sharing this information you sure have it on the nose and I am going to try this. As you spoke I just imagined the reaction of the narcissist in my life. Please continue with this sooo many people don't even realize this is what is going on with them... thanks again
My mother is a narc and plays this game constantly with me. She will say something horrible and within minutes of me calling her out she will say she didn't say it. Another of her favorites is to repeat what I say, for example, I'll say "Stop yelling" and she will say "You are the one yelling, so you stop yelling". It is maddening. I am with the guy who commented above saying it's best to say as little as possible to these crazies. It causes a complete communication break down but it keeps my sanity intact.
Mr. Danish,you save lives. We thank you, from our hearts.💕
"that is what I heard" = "RUBBISH! I DIDN'T SAY THAT!".. and on and on circular argument; shouted at you.
I think you nailed it yourself Danish.."what I heard will not be dictated by you". That's better. You've got to be direct, and this line let's them know in no uncertain terms that you are aware of what they're trying to do.
when you say when they wrongly blame you you should not respond in any way and stay calm. But what i am dealing with it is the blaming becomes more and more and he starts treating even more worse as i keep quite. he creates hell if i don't beg him for sorry even though its not my fault. I am not able to break from him as i don't have any financial and emotional support.
It's hard to imagine there is support when you're in the thick of it, but you really need it.
If in the UK there are free groups you can go to that will help you, step by step. Have a look for leaflets in community areas, doctor's, hospitals, libraries.
I'm sure it's the same in the US. In the meantime try to do little things for yourself to help you remember who you are without his voice in your head.
Please do look for support, maybe online? but don't let him know anything.
Stay safe :)
Such good advice. This literally happened to me 2 days ago. It usually happens when am argument arises.
So helpful. I made notes of everything. Going to study n remember them. 😊
Excellent material to help yourself when trapped in this kind of relationship!!
With the narcissists in my life, any response is a Q for them to continue to drag you in and argue. I try not to respond at all.
When they try that BS just say "Oh, in your most dead-pan voice and ignore them.
I prayed are answering prayers as if you were sitting right before me been giving me information as if God is for me himself telling me how to manage, and respond, so I won’t get entangledin circular abusive communication & conversations to make me doubt my OWN reality thank you for making it and providing so much ’CLARITY’ To me. I appreciate your intimacy and I’d love this intimate connect with you so that I can learn how to protect myself and not become part of this destructive behaviors with this relationship. He is my husband of 50 years. I am so grateful thank you.
Danish, thank you for speaking the truth. Your channel is saving my sanity and getting my life back
I found your chanel by accident. It has helped me more than you know. Thank you and God bless you.
Yes now I started to tell that last one .🙏❤️
When a narc knows you see through them, they become enraged & will ratchet up their gaslighting 100%.
Thank you... I notice narcissistic behavior in so many people.... I need these tactics to avoid engaging in it with ANYONE I suspect is trying this gaslight shit 🎉❤🎉❤🎉
Thanks a lot for your interesting and helpful advice. It really helps. ❤❤❤
Unfortunate sometimes for the narcissist(s) when they are in denial about the facts we are complaining about which have not affected them too yet. When they are constant trying to shut down any trauma survivors who are not from their pre-approved first communities.
I love that, “you don’t have any power here!” As was said to the wicked witch of the West - “Be gone with You, You have NO Power here!!” Best saying 🥳🤸♀️even if you silently think it over again-it’s a very good building block back for yourself❣️
I love your videos. They are very informative and helpful. I married a narcissist. I didn't know he was like this when we first got together. I've dealt with that dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type stuff, the emotional rollercoaster, the gaslighting, the abuse. I've heard everything come out of him that you have said in your videos. He's manipulative, a liar, a cheater, and he takes absolutely no accountability for anything he has ever done or said to me. He would hit me and then say that he didn't, or say that he didn't hit me, he fell on me or that he threw something and didn't mean for it to hit me; trying to confuse me. Of course it didn't work. i know full well what he did to me, from the lies to ever push, punch and kick. I've dealt with the love bombing and trauma bonding. And he used me as an object. I'm currently still with him as of this comment but I'm planning on leaving him in just a few days. I have taken the proper steps and precautions to make sure that i can leave peacefully and safely. Question is, how do i cope and deal after leaving? What are the next steps as soon as I depart from this toxicity? Do I need counseling? I can't watch certain things on tv without it bringing up the flashbacks of the abuse. Could I have ptsd from this and if so, how do i manage that?
I hope you’ve left and it did go well. I was in similar relationship and also have a narcissistic mother. Yes PTSD or Complex ptsd can be the result after years of abuse and trauma bonding. Therapy has helped me a lot and watching different videos here on yt from people like Danish and others who also have experience from their own life.. (Check out “Crappy Childhood Fairy” also)
Best wishes for your future 🥰❤️
I hope you’ve left. Yes, get some counseling. It wouldn’t hurt. They will help you start anew. Even if it’s for a little while. Start reading the Bible and understand how much God loves you. God values you. Start with the Gospel of John. Narcissism is demonic.
Very informative respected speaker!
I think the crybaby 'pity me, I'm suicidal' narcissist is the one I hate the most.
On the odd occasion when I have to be in his presence, I ALWAYS act and speak like he's secretly recording me. He's the type to do that to try and use it against me. I'm always calm and slightly bored when I speak to him. This is what I've said to him most recently.
1. "Whatever you say, dude."
This is very dismissive and narcs don't like it. When he gets frustrated and pushes back at me, I look at him with an amused look on my face and say, "Hey, calm down, I'm agreeing with you. Only a psycho would get mad when someone is agreeing with them. You're not a psycho, are you?" Then I look at him with a slightly concerned frown. It freaks him out and he'll either fume in silence and I then ignore him, or he calls me a bad name, which I laugh at and then completely ignore him.
2. "My house, my rules."
I moved house and he wanted to know where I lived. I told him he wasn't welcome at my house and he's not invited to visit so he doesn't need to know my new address.
Him: "I can easily find out where you live, I know people."
Me: "No you don't."
Him: "Yes I do."
Me: "No you don't."
Him: "You have no idea what kind of people I know." At this point, I laughed and said, "You are so cute when you're delusional." Then I ignored him. He was most upset and called a me few choice names.
Me: "I'm bored, you're boring, I'm leaving." Then I walked away. He CANNOT handle that but as we are always in public when a meeting happens, his rage is impotent. Most of the time I just ignore him or go grey man with my responses but sometimes I feel like trolling him for my own amusement.
It won't work for every narc, especially the ones who are obviously violent. But my narc doesn't want to look bad in public. He's always trying to find the right buttons to push on me (hint: they don't exist any more).
I had to start calling out my narcissistic person. He would say if you would stop with your mouth I would do whatever it was .. and we went around and around with that. I finally said "Just shut up a dang minute... I wouldn't be talking at all if you weren't doing the things you're doing so stop because this ain't happening anymore. You're a gas lighter and you're being nasty. I've met you before and I got the assignment. He didn't know what to think and believe it or not it stopped because i told him he thought he was screwing with my head but it was actually the other way around. He used to say you knew what I was doing and I said you don't know what I know or what I saw or heard. You have to put a stop to them because they don't care about you and will swear they love you. I turned mine around because I called it out.