Welcome back!! I can't stop thinking about cleaning! ... rather than actually doing it, of course. // Try Rocket Money for free: rocketmoney.com/tiffanyferg #RocketMoney #personalfinance
i really think her husband or boyfriend just weaponize incompetence so they don't even get asked to help my partner and kids do it as well its all left for me it made me ocd and I now have a standard that no one else can do
When i was little, i used to watch this show where people with cleaning ocd went and cleaned a persons house with hoarding ocd and basically the moral of the story was that both parties needed a lot of therapy lmaoo
Im totally taking the wrong thing away from this, but is there by any service that matches people who love to clean with people who don’t? If not, did I just stumble on a million dollar idea? 🤔
This!! Literally watching this video as my husband does the dishes. I literally told my mom the other day I refuse to buy the “it’s a man thing” because my husband can do it and I truly don’t think he’s a unicorn, I just think he cares and some men do not.
I returned from a week away and my husband unpacked my bags and put all my dirty laundry in the washing machine. Let's stop making excuses for men being slobs.
I think it can be a thing, but I don't think it's an inherent trait. I think it's the result of not having to see it they way people socialized a women do. It's also not a case where you just go "Oh well! Guess I do everything now!". No. They can learn and if they won't you need to make some choices.
One day, I explained to my husband how some women genuinely believe men are incapable buffoons. I told him that I view him as capable, and my equal. He was already a good partner, but something changed in the relationship after that conversation. It's nothing too dramatic. Just incrementally more awareness of how the patriarchy effects him.
It can be a mental health thing. I used to disconnect from reality when I was in a messy area because mess stressed me out so much. Brain no see, brain no stress. There certainly are lazy and unhelpful people around but that’s not the only reason someone might not “see the mess.” I’ve since had therapy and it’s muuuuchhh beeetterrrr That husband does need to step up and work on himself, though, even if he’s innocent in heart and his mental health is a barrier he needs to realize what his inaction does to his family.
@@StudioHannahI COMPLETELY agree. My husband is a pretty clean person, when we met I always told him I just don't see the mess therefore I don't stress about it. Of course he didn't understand. I had to step up and start noticing the mess for his sake and well being, it was really stressing HIM out. In the process I figured out what you said, so I started working on it. I feel so much happier now ❤
This reminds me of when I was in college , reading articles on domestic and unpaid labor between men and women (for women’s gender and sexualities studies). I remember one of the articles points out that when heterosexual men are expected to do housework, it’s usually jobs that don’t need to happen every single day. Things like mowing the lawn, cleaning the gutters: they are usually jobs that don’t need to be done immediately. Conversely, heterosexual women are expected to do housework that is highly visible when skipped: washing dishes, dusting, vacuuming. It’s the type of housework that is highly noticeable when you skip doing it. I took that class 7 years ago and it’s always interesting how we have new platforms these issues always pop up, usually wearing a different name.
My husband did not really understand the amount of time I spent daily doing chores to keep our lives from chaos. Dish washing, wiping counters, cleaning the sink & kitchen, dusting, sorting the mail, sorting the recycling, keeping track of grocery lists, sorting laundry, grocery shopping, purging clutter. EVERY day was 2 to 3 hours just to keep things manageable ontop of full time school & part time job. So yeah, he'd take out the garbage if I tied it up & left it by the door for him to take downstairs on his way out but I could never get him to have daily habits like hang up your coat, put your dirty clothes IN the hamper not next to it, put your wallet & keys in the same place so you know where they are, etc. If I had known what a battle it would become...I may have reconsidered marrying him. You can love someone but still think they are a terrible room mate. And no, they don't change.
@@yensid4294i hope he's able to put in the work to empathize with you & put in the action to do his part. he is not doing his part by making it seem like this is solely your responsibility. you deserve the love it takes to make your every day life easier. full time school & job too? that's amazing & i'm so proud of you for doing everything you can, but it's not sustainable for you to do this all on your own. daily chores is everyone's job in the household unless there are unique circumstances, but your situation is not one of those. it would be interesting to see if he could take on the household chores for a week. would he dismiss it outright? does he respect you enough to take you seriously? love isn't love without respect & empathy.
Another aspect of the divide is the fact that many chores that are considered "men's chores", are ones that common apartment living doesn't allow. In my apartment complex, there are landscapers every week, contractors for the gutters, any maintenance can only be done by officials, and it is forbidden to work on your car in the parking lot. Aside from taking the trash to the compacter, that leaves every other chore to be ones that women were raised to take care of.
@@KittySheep that’s such an interesting point!!! How easily “men’s chores” can be taken out of the equation yet it’s frowned upon when trying to apply that logic to “women’s chores”. I think the article only surveyed people in houses, so apartment living wasn’t a point of discussion (at least from my recollection).
There’s an author and social media creator named KC Davis who wrote a book called “How to Keep House While Drowning” she talks about changing the language you use about cleaning, the one that helped me the most was swapping out the word cleaning with resetting because resetting has the expectation of messiness. It helped me realize that everything is going to get messy and cleaning is just how we reset the cycle and that whatever point I’m at in that cycle is morally neutral. I grew up in a hyper clean home. My siblings and I all suffer from mental illness and my mom has had to learn that the state of our homes is (often) due to our mental illnesses, she’s working on learning not to comment on it
“why doesn’t my husband help me clean? well he has a case of what i call man’s eyes where he doesn’t see when something is dirty” godspeed to all the stay at home mothers out there genuinely bc patriarchal propaganda is crazy like… that is a grown man who also lives in that house with yall. how are we any closer to “de-stigmatizing messiness” when we can’t even take the blinders off to acknowledge the root causes of why mothers/individuals are the one left w/ the burden of all this + more in the first place :/
It doesn't help that all the commenters are calling her a bad mom. Like. As far as I'm concerned, she's the only one I see doing any cleaning. So wheres the father? I'll comment on her once I see if the father does anything.
@@pokelover02 you'd need to call in Shinobu to kick his ass into shape, or tell him Sara does better lol Jokes aside, he seems like a not-messy character. I mean one of his idles is literally him just fixing his hair. He's a goofball who doesn't think things through, but he's not a pig, y'know?
Midwest Magic Cleaning (stills from the channel were featured a few times) may not have been the best example for this video: they specifically help people deal with hoarding disorder and are up front about how they don't expect the state they leave the house to be how it will stay. They are clear as well about how hoarding is a manifestation of a mental state and isn't so simple to deal with; they are respectful about how they clean and what they throw away, as they don't want to break people's trust when someone else comes in to help. If it isn't rotting, gone bad, or just trash, they keep all of it. What they can't fit back in the cabinets, they put in clearly labeled tubs. They do this because the guy who runs the channel likes cleaning, particularly extreme cleaning, and because most people with hoarding disorder couldn't possibly pay for this kind of service. It's a lovely empathetic thing to do for someone, and thankfully the youtube channel pays for their sometimes considerable expenses.
@@lanskandal1181 It's great! Plus he has a cleaning tutorial that shows how you can comprehensively clean your house in a few hours, using a slimmed down number of products. And let's not forget his dry sense of humor :D
@@lanskandal1181 his channel is amazing for body doubling, i will often have one on in the background while i do the dishes or something, it really helps me
as someone with very severe adhd, I appreciate the normalization of executive dysfunction. but I also grew up with a mom with executive dysfunction so I'm very sensitive to the idea of subjecting poor living conditions to someone else (especially kids but also pets). I deeply relate to being traumatized by growing up in dirty conditions, and I can't imagine having those conditions posted online. It's important to have empathy for people who have trouble cleaning, and to not take the ability to clean for granted. I also relate to the idea of cleaning baggage, where I was so used to being berated for cleaning things "the wrong way" that I freeze up when I try to clean something myself. It's not a failure to admit you need help, but it is a failure to those dependent on you to maintain those conditions in perpetuity. If there's a moldy dish in my sink, that's self harm, that's my adhd impacting myself. If I had a child, that moldy dish would be harming them too, and there needs to be a solution to minimize that harm (division of labor with a partner, hiring a cleaner, etc). Overworked moms definitely need more empathy and grace granted to them, but so do children
I don't have children, but for me an my boyfriend our trick is to invite people over (pretty much) every weekend so we have to clean 😂 Works like a charm 🎉
I’m terrible at keeping my room clean due to executive function issues but, If I have roommates I do by best to keep common spaces clean or my side of the room if we’re sharing a room. When I was a kid my friends used to come over to help me clean or be my body double. It’s not fair to the people I live with if I’m inviting in roaches. A child can’t even play safely in the house without coming into contact with dangerous things. Like sharp cans next to the sink? mold in little lungs? a single cut could send a kid to the hospital.
yeah my gf has a lot of mental trauma from cleaning, from her mom pulling shit like this and so she has trouble getting herself started so I end up doing most of the cleaning. She also has control issues and she will criticize how I clean things and I will have to talk with her and remind her that this is why she doesn't clean and then she apologizes and is grateful that I am doing it all. It sucks for her, but I don't mind as long as I can make things easier for her.
Then your parents come over to your adult house, and Dad goes, "dishes in the sink, huh?". Yeah, Dad. I'm disabled and work - my spouse works. Sometimes dirty dishes stay in the sink.
Lmao 😂 we have a child and we cook most meals. Dishes get done every day but 90% of the time there’s a lot of dishes in the sink. We’re cooking healthy meals and feeding a child. Dishes in the sink means we’re doing a great job.
My mom criticized how dirty the track to the sliding patio door was over last time she was over 😂 lmfao the track of the door that is literally outside 😂 Bitch I'm autistic as fuck and didn't get diagnosed until I was an adult because you didn't "notice" but you sure as shit notice the dust bunnies in my house. Ohhhhkkayyy 😂
Does “unfuck your habitat” still float around on the internet? It was originally a tumblr blog so maybe not, but I know the blog owner did publish a book version. It centered around cleaning routines for people with disabilities and mental illness, and combatting the notion that everything has to be perfectly clean all the time, or that cleaning meant spending hours doing every chore one after another versus just spending 5 minutes picking up one corner to improve it. The struggle is definitely real and it’s taken me years of living on my own to develop (most of) a routine that doesn’t make me spiral or feel like I’m a robot who does nothing but work.
I used to love that blog! I did read the book version but it mostly said thing the blog had already covered. I still use their timer system for a lot of cleaning.
On the flip side, I was raised in a spotless home and I love a clean environment and have adapted those same habits of my mom but it has long term made me subconsciously uncomfortable in any environment that does not meet those cleaning standards and even as an adult, I am very much a homebody for that reason. Most homes, hotels and public locations don't feel 'clean enough' and I struggle to feel comfortable anywhere but my home. (I also have mild contamination ocd which doesn't help the situation)
LITERALLY SAME my mom always got super anxious when the house was messy so it was always pretty clean. So now I get super anxious when it's messy and also have contamination ocd haha. But it's awful because I feel like such an asshole when I cant enjoy myself in other people's houses because i just get so uncomfortable in messes. Like im all for normalizing living a messy life but its so hard for me to practice what I preach 😭
This is really interesting, I grew up in a super clean home where my mom did most of the cleaning but I have had the opposite response where I struggle to clean and always feel really guilty and embarrassed by the mess
special shoutout to everyone who was raised by parents (moms) who cleaned eveything, never learned how to clean, and then one day your parents were mad at you for not knowing how to do basic stuff. like huh, almost like someone should’ve taught me how to do that 10 years ago 🤔
It’s a common trap as a parent to forget that your kids don’t have the same experience and knowledge that you do. It sounds crazy but it happens all the time. We subconsciously assume our kids have the same starting point as we do. We forget they only have what we give them.
My mom switches up her cleaning tools and products a lot, so even when I want to clean to help her out, I don’t know what to use! Can I mop, or use the swiffer she bought recently? Where did she put the brush I need? Do we have a duster, or are we back to using rags? Why do we have so many different brands of bathroom cleaner?? I can only do vacuuming and laundry confidently at this point smh
@@thelonleyUchiha1 and let's be honest...kids and teens are selfish/self-absorbed. There's a reason people like to bring up brains not being fully developed until 25. If you do not explicitly tell them to do the things no one wants to do, and enforce that they have to do them, 90% of teens are absolutely not going to do it on their own.
I searched for this comment… there are two sides: messy parents leads to kids being messy as adults. The parents who cleaned everything for you until age 35 then you can’t do it yourself. Both can be harmful
I was always told to clean, but never taught how. When I didn't clean correctly or on the schedule that was expected yet never explained I dealt with being berated, yelling, banging dishes etc. Even to this day if I hear someone messing with dishes in the sink it sends me into high anxiety mode where I will hide away in my safe space
I am a messy person but not filthy. I do clean it's just not always right away. An example might be I don't put a couple water bottles into the recycling right after use
Relabel AF! If the dishwasher isn’t loaded “right” my body just goes into panic. With that I’ve always hand washed my dishes as I’ve used them, but my roommates are the ones in charge of kitchen duty. I do the other house chores. Learning to live in lived in place is overwhelming but liberating in many ways.
Bestie SAME. My parents would berate me for not helping out around the house, but my undiagnosed neurodivergent ass was literally never taught how. Or if I was taught, it was in the most cursory way possible. I feel you and I still struggle with cleanliness as an adult.
This!!! I would load the dishes and every time i would be yelled at and berated for doing it “wrong” somehow. I literally begged for a list so I could do it right and never got an answer
I'm married in a small house with pets and no kids. Both me and my husband (both men) work full time. He grew up in a disgusting house with too many kids, and I grew up in a clean house with only me and my sister, who were never messy kids. He gets that paralyzing executive dysfunction that's mentioned in those videos and I do not, I just don't like a messy house, so I clean it. Because of this, I end up doing pretty much all of the housework (yes even the mowing lol.) He will help if I ask him to, but he almost never cleans of his own volition. It can be exhausting, and I even call it my second shift sometimes. I can not imagine actually having children to feed and clean up after. He always tries his best to help and to give me lots of praise, acknowledgement l, and rewards for doing the heavy lifting, and I am appalled at the men in relationships who can't even do that much, or recognize how much effort goes into housekeeping.
Your husband is not doing enough and he's making excuses. And you're making excuses for him. Especially if he's making the messes and not, at the very least, cleaning up after himself. This is a serious sign of disrespect.
Maybe you could write a rota to put on the wall, stating who does what cleaning and when each week, so he knows it’s just ‘Tuesday, the day I clean the bathroom’, whether he can see it’s dirty or not. Then it will be a bit more even and you won’t have to remind him so much, though you’ll probably need to remind him about the rota now and then! We struggle to get all our things done, with both of us working full-time, and have found one of the best things in the evening if I cook, and he washes up at the same time, we have managed to do all that and have a clean kitchen before bed! It doesn’t always work, but I guess it’s good to try and find a routine that works (I am terrible with routines due to ADHD, so I know that’s easier said than done). Ultimately, you shouldn’t have to be working double to maintain the house that two capable adults live in. He needs to either be okay with being given chores if he can’t figure it out himself, or fine a rota/routine that works, and stick to it. Otherwise he’ll be working and then having fun with his life, whilst you’re working and then cleaning.
Acknowledgement is not enough, but I hope he shows up for you in different ways. It's okay to have division of labour according to your strengths, but "recognition" is only slightly better than plain learned helplessness.
Not being able to take care of yourself to that degree is a sign of mental issues. I would recommend him to go see a psychiatrist + a psychotherapist. Also, he could use that free time to make some money for hiring a cleaner
This is SO true, cleaning standards are so tied to the way you grew up and your "standards" of what clean means. As someone who is not American, one of the biggest culture shocks I had when I moved to the US was how what people generally considered clean was not what I was brought up with. For example: to me, it's extremely strange to go more than 10 days without changing your bedsheets, or to not sweep your floors every other day. Or even to not have separate cleaning rags for the kitchen/bathroom/floors. There's so much about cleaning that's cultural, even more than what varies family to family.
I feel like rage bait content has sky rocketed in these past couple of years. From "Nikacado" to this cleaning "villain," I think people are willingly placing others around them in harmful situations in trade for money. At what point does that trade no longer "work" (risk assessment)? I'd like to say that the answer is "never," it's never okay to put people at risk but I'm also very,very aware how people can start making these choices under the mindset of "this is only temporary. Until we can afford the rent," and that eventually moves on to ,"until we can pay off the car," "put money aside for the kids' college fund," and it just spirals into really bad territory.
i agree, this is the huge elephant in the room for most controversial internet content. some people are willing to put themselves and their loved ones in danger just for a quick buck and nobody does anything until it is too late (the 8 passengers, anyone?). while i don't support the tiktok ban in the us, social media should definitely be regulated.
I think this is an important conversation. I've even seen rage bait turned into f*tish content. A long time ago actually. It struck me as really unhealthy.
I cleaned out my entire closet while listening to this. I’ve been putting it off for years. I have like 7 trash bags full of clothes that I haven’t worn in years, many of which don’t even fit.
@@onlyAscension um. Those bags were likely accumulated over many years. I went through the same thing, I’m proud of those several bags of tattered rags that I’d been hoarding. Out with old in with new :). I also donated stuff.
Which is how you know she's giving a Performance, perfectly crafted to press the buttons of a certain swatch of women. I don't even think her accent is wholly real.
As a stay at home mom for almost 2 years with some executive function issues, I recently found a way to help me stay clean and organized and that is a physical, paper planner. It’s super basic, just has weekly priorities and a habit tracker on the top half and the bottom is just for each day of the week and I can write out my plan for the week. One day is mopping, one day I clean one bathroom and polish the furniture, etc. having a paper planner and not just using my phone has been so so helpful for keeping myself focused
i grew up in a hoarder home with a mentally ill single mom ( lived similarly to the lady at 11:00 and videos afterward) and i think its important to see how people like us lived, especially for those who never had to live like that. it should not be normalized AT ALL (and yes, i would be embarrassed if my friends found out. don't put your kids online) but it does help kids like me feel like we were/are not alone in our struggle, and it can help other people be more mindful of what they say and how they act around others' living situations; i can't tell you how many times i had friends asking me why they couldn't come over to my house and i couldn't bear the embarrassment of telling them the real reason, so i just had to hope they stopped asking. also, the amount of people i see online responding hatefully to the parents (most often moms) who live like this does make me feel sad, most likely because grew up with that mom and i saw her struggle. people just don't understand the amount of mental health decline that has to happen for that level of dirtiness to occur, its not a choice and its traumatizing for everyone involved.
this is me and my siblings story… only my mom was depressed and a stay at home mom, which I think made things even worse because we grew up literally hating her, and my dad used to be outside working all day pretty much every day. they used to fight all the time because my mom wouldn’t do anything all day, they’d get in awful fights almost daily. we honestly had an horrible childhood and are now trying our best. these things scar you for life
@@cheerioskid Amen and thank you for sharing! I avoid tiktok on this stuff especially for that reason. There are people on RUclips like A Hoarder's Heart that I prefer to watch - they're struggling and honest about it but they're also making progress on improving their living situation instead of keeping it dirty for the views.
I have sympathy for anyone mentally ill (I am too), but once you hurt your children because of your mental illness, I lose that sympathy. Mental illness or disability doesn't mean the things you do to people aren't neglectful or abusive. If you know you can't take care of yourself or not do abusive things to others and you choose to have children, you are choosing to inflict that on your innocent children.
This gave me such a fresh perspective. I didn’t grow up in the cleanest household. In fact, it was disgusting. I lived in the hood and well, roaches live there. It was early childhood but one time I woke up with roach guts in my mouth. Their guts looked like Pepto Bismol actually. I unknowingly chewed them in my sleep. I am permanently scarred. But my biggest influences on cleanliness who I believe are genuinely neurodivergent are my mother and my aunt. One has almost no executive functioning skills when it came to cleaning and the other one has legitimate cleanliness OCD. My mom got better after a short stint of them living together…you could probably imagine why that didn’t work. Lol. But going from living with roaches, clutter and mess and visiting my aunt and being yelled at for dropping the remote despite being a little kid with limited mobility skills was actually insane. And unlike my other aunts, there’s been times of us living with each other so I was truly being raised with conflicting mindsets. But once my mom moved me and our family away, she just would be angry that we weren’t as clean as my OCD aunt. Which made no sense because she was filthy? But I didn’t start truly seeing mess until I was pushing 30. Between my roommates in college in my mid twenties once I finally moved out to working for bougier hippie types who would surprisingly deep clean the trash can if it smelled like it had rotting citrus fruit in it (which it me actually smells like extra strong citrus fruit which I think is nice, ngl so I had no idea) like…it’s been a wild journey on my perception of cleanliness…I unfortunately think I might be closer to my Aunt’s point of view with the lack of executive skills as my mom at this point…oops. It’s a nightmare. I don’t think COVID helped with the moralizing of cleanliness. The black community has it’s own issues going on and I think it’s partially due to the history of black Americans cleaning white folk’s spaces, ngl. But I dipped out on extreme cleanliness when I saw a woman wash her Christmas tree in dawn dish soap in the tiktok…like…that’s too much for me…even for rage baiting… But one other thing I want to point out (sorry this is so long) is men also have similar upbringings to messy women on top of it not being valued to teach them how to clean properly, if it all, period. If I didn’t see the mess before I was shown, how can I expect a man too? Sure there’s weaponized incompetence, but a lot of them are simply not seeing the mess. Some of them have their own executive dysfunction issues. It sucks in cases when it falls onto partners to teach them, but dumping them…like other commenters have suggested instead of setting a boundary of a certain standard of cleanliness…like…you might lose a good partner whose only flaw is simply not knowing how to clean and some men are willing to learn and won’t use weaponized incompetence. I’ve seen people breaking up with their partners over stupid tiktoks that promote the idea that the only reason men don’t clean is due to weaponized incompetence, but men have different upbringings…on top of their own individual experience separate from manhood which I think people forget sometimes… Like…ya’ll….some of us just didn’t grow up cleaning like that and that’s it. There’s no deeper meaning. (If you made it through this whole comment, I’m sorry…I genuinely have trauma related to cleanliness while battling my own executive dysfunction and ocd tendency issues that cause me not to be as clean as I would like to be….I have a lot of feelings on this topic LOL)
omg this was such a relatable read. my fam is mexican and my american born dad is a hoarder and my grandma always was crazy about cleanliness cus she was raised on a farm. i def picked up on a more “clean” mindset so when i’d see roaches in the house it fkn killed me because i was so embarrassed. one day at school i opened up my backpack and a small roach crawled on me and it made me cry. i hated seeing roaches everywhere and it was even more frustrating when they touched me. every time i’d try to clean the house like my grandma said, it never lasted long. the mess would be right back. i tried to implement habits like taking off shoes when you’re inside cus the tile would get dirty quick but nobody really cared cus they weren’t the ones who cleaned. as i took more of my grandma’s responsibilities i realized just how physically taxing maintaining cleanliness is. i have joint pain and can’t really do anything without complaining abt pain lol so seeing everyone dirty the floor after i just mopped was so aggravating. i get insecure to this day because i feel like my parents def did not care to teach me cleanly habits. whether it be hygiene or how to literally clean my surroundings, i wasn’t taught too much about it. patience is so important because i took some time to actually learn the skills i have today. nobody is clean 24/7 and i don’t like when people try to act like we should try to remain pristine and tidy all day every day. it differs from person to person and all we can do is promote actual healthy habits that don’t make us feel like maids in our own homes.
@@kaheivi I feel this. I have sciatica so cleaning is pretty taxing on me as well, especially anything that requires me to be bent over to scrub. And I feel this because like, I didn’t know anything about anything with regard to cleaning. I didn’t realize that every single part of your home should be cleaned at least once a year. I know at the last place I lived with my mom, she didn’t get her security deposit back. But one thing I remember is, we never once cleaned the oven or drip trays. Ever. After living there for over a decade. Never cleaned the baseboards. Never scrubbed the walls. Never moved out the oven or fridge to scrub the sides of those appliances or even sweep the floor behind those areas. And my mom had no clue why we couldn’t get our deposit back. It was the longest we had ever lived in one apartment either so I don’t think she realized the magnitude of the mess we left behind because we didn’t know how to clean it up properly. I think she was likely taught at one point, but it had been so long since then and she never maintained a standard of cleanliness so things were DIRTY dirty. I suspect that some places we were evicted from due to her lack of basic hygiene skills. It’s not something that’s innate at all!
I appreciate this comment! I am not a man (I'm NB), but my last serious relationship fell apart after my partner got frustrated with my cleaning issues to the point that it escalated to verbal abuse. Now I have MORE trauma around cleaning! So I definitely agree with you that many people see it as a moral issue with men without necessarily considering why someone is having trouble. My ex also considered it a moral issue, but his verbal and emotional abuse left me in a state of constant exhaustion and anxiety which made it even harder to do what he asked of me.
I wrote a long comment myself too, but I thoroughly enjoyed reading this one! I agree that you should try to work things out with your partner first before dumping them. Granted, if they don't take well to it and start getting upset and don't start cleaning and 4 weeks go by and things are the same, I'd consider leaving at that point (well, I'd be leaving, others are free to do as they please). I've had partners that were filthy, that I have left, but I try to use those situations to propel me to bring up cleanliness from the beginning of a relationship so it's not just something that comes up a month or two in as a huge problem.
Your early childhood story reminds me of a friend I had in elementary school who also lived in the not most sanitary place and I remember one time on the bus she showed me and a few others a cockroach that was in her lunch box and I think she got into trouble for it but looking back was it not a little concerning? Like the school cared more about the cockroach instead of WHY there was a cockroach there, I also remember everyone would make fun of her because she smelled bad and no one wanted to hang out with her but I didn’t care she was such a fun and sweet friend and I myself came from a kind of neglectful home so I was not one to judge anyone at all, none of her situation was her fault we were like 8 years old and it made me upset when other kids would make fun of her because they just didn’t understand
Seriously though, how does this distinction help? Do you think that the people whose spaces are "dirty" would do better if they just felt more ashamed of them? I'm not sure that's really how any of this works. It's not that people don't downplay how bad things are, often, but I don't think it's a lack of awareness. It's this idea that "dirty" is irredeemable and immoral while "messy" is normal or a little quirky.
I think it's helpful to people who feel like cleaning is this massive mountain that is unapproachable. Or who constantly feel like it's not enough, even if things are clean. It allows for a distinction between safety issues (towards which we typically have biological disgust response to keep us safe) and everything else (shame which we have been indoctrinated to feel but which isn't helpful or reasonable). Basically I think this distinction can bring the bar way down for what is enough. Since most of us are not living with like level 8 hording disorder I think this distinction can be helpful. Conversely having a baseline of priorities is important too: breathing teeth takes priority over making the bed, for example.
Big agree! Learning the difference helped with the overwhelm. Choosing my battles as a disabled person is important for my sanity. As long as my environment is safe & healthy, then tidying is like sprinkles on top :D
@@Nassifeh Messy is something you can pick up. A few clothes on the floor, but you can still see the floor. Dirty is something you need to put time and effort into cleaning up. I'm not making my bed everytime I get up in the morning or putting my body products away every night. I still sweep my floor and pick up here and there so my room doesn't become a huge pigsty, though. Messy is a little. Dirty is a lot. Sorry if that makes me too "quirky" or "normal".
My ex's father hasn't had a real steady job for 30 years. His mother has been the breadwinner his entire life. For some reason his father still believes that the mother is responsible for cleaning. You best believe when my ex started pulling that shit I said no way in hell am I going to end up like you're bitter ass mom, so we got a divorce 😂
Im sorry but homes soaked in cat pee and other mysterious liquids should not be normalized. Unorganized and messy at times is fine but that is just a disgusting biohazard and shouldn’t be excused
The fact that you say "shouldn't be excused" shows that you think bad mental health is just people being lazy. You have no idea how lucky you are so maybe you should shut up.
I grew up in a house like that and it was traumatizing. Insect infestations including fleas, bottoms of my socks always black, constant breathing issues (that magically disappeared when I moved out), got told I smelled bad as a kid because parents smoked indoors pack-a-day style and my clothes were always covered in animal hair so i got bullied for it, everything dirty all the time, cat piss and shit all over the floor left for months or years (they had a designated shitting room), embarrassed of house, couldn't have friends over, etc. It absolutely is child abuse. Seriously an entire empty bedroom was just cat shit wall to wall. To this day I can't adopt a pet because of the trauma, it was like living in a nightmare. For a child it's horrifying and inescapable. My dad had a tank of fish and one day he just stopped caring for them so they all died and he left the dead fish in the tank until the water all evaporated and there were just algae covered fish skeletons there for years. Hoarding issues, bugs, rotten food, etc. I was sick all the time and didn't have friends because of the home issues. And this is a joke to these cleantok creators? They are going to do this to their kids on purpose?
as a girl raised with a Clean Dad ™ (who also worked from home my entire childhood) - your husband is going to be such a great model for your daughter. he may not have given me any of his neatness genes, but he gave me such a good blueprint for what a man can and should aspire to be. happy pre-first father's day, mr tiffanyferg💜
My gf and i both have levels of trauma attached to cleaning, and after living together for almost a decade we've made the compromise of mess vs filth cleaning. There's literally always clutter and mess in the house, there's no way around it. Items never stay put away, clean dishes will sit on the counter until we use them or need space and put them away, the bathroom counter is never visible, etc..... But the filth is always priority. Dirty dishes are at the very least rinsed before they go in the sink so they don't mold. The shower is cleaned regularly. Litter boxes need cleaning every other day at minimum. Floors need to be swept every other day or so. Finding this kind of compromise was a must for us, because we never have the energy to clean the whole house in a day, and we can't expect each other to have that energy. Coming to terms with messes while still keeping the house "clean" has been a process, and I'd encourage anyone who struggles with cleaning to give it a try.
@@caramazzola2399 I listened to the audiobook, and she's really understanding. I've had problems with cleaning my whole life despite my dad trying to browbeat me into better habits. This hasn't FIXED me or anything, but it's sort of changed the way I look at my living space a bit, which has been really helpful. I made a few small changes which have made me feel better. Hoping I can continue to do better, but think I won't get so down on myself if I fall back a bit. Might listen again if I need the pump up.
So yeah, as someone who's audhd/disabled and who genuinely struggles with consistently maintaining a clean environment and consistent good hygiene even. The messy content creators make me really uncomfortable, and i'm talking specifically about the ones who seemingly glorify their chaotic lifestyles. Same with the like (typically) white celebrities who pronounce with their whole chest that they don't bathe by choice. I desperately want a clean environment and want keep my person clean. It's not a choice for me to live in mess. And the small part of me that maybe wanted to have a kid someday will always be a bit sad because I know I cannot in good conscience have one. When my executive functioning fails I can barely get myself to work in one piece or even feed myself. I could never subject a child to that. And it sucks because in other areas I think I would be a great mom but keeping a clean and safe home is imperative for the best interest of a child. But honestly the biggest thing that irks me about people who are proudly messy is that I fear it just fuels others to be more judgemental towards people like me. More than anything, I just want people to have empathy for those who genuinely struggle and these tiktoks/videos aren't helping.
as someone with audhd and also used to struggle with basic hygiene and cleanliness, what helped me out the most is building a routine. i started with a couple of steps, usually eating, washing my face, and brushing my teeth. at night i would take a shower and brush my teeth and wash my face in the shower. over time, i’ve slowly built up the amount of things i do and now i don’t feel like a human unless i do them. i’m updated on my medication daily for the first time in the about eight years i’ve been taking medicine. i’m washing myself and putting on deodorant consistently which i was unable to remember before. i also have a stripped down version of my morning and night routine, which is helpful when i don’t have the energy to do the full thing but doing a little bit helps me feel so much better. i also like to watch videos in the morning and listen to music and sing in the shower, it distracts me from thinking about the tasks im doing and it gives me somewhat of a body double which helps a lot. these might not work for you like they did for me, but i figure its a method that could help other people like me if it works for me.
I didn’t have a friend over to my house until I was 16 and even then the first time she spent the night I was so uncomfortable of her seeing the inside of my home we camped out in the backyard. she was also the first person to tell me she wanted to come over to MY house. she even moved in with my family when she was having problems with her it really did make me feel better about my living situation. Even tho our house was a mess she was more comfortable with my family then her own. it made me realize they’re people out there that do not care about the surface level things and will still care about you even if you do have a messy house or room. And that people will even help you clean up the mess. my friends and I tend to help each other with chores when we go over to each others houses now.
I had to move in with a friend during high school too and her family’s house was incredibly messy, especially compared to my parents’, but her family actually cared about people and their house was such a loving, communal environment that I didn’t care about the mess. People definitely matter far more than cleanliness
I’ll be honest, as someone with adhd who lived in a house with no set chores, I absolutely suck at and hate cleaning. It didn’t help that cleaning my room was basically framed as a punishment and getting help from my dad lead to him just shaming me for all the things i had and pressuring me to get rid of them (I always stood firm in keeping a lot of stuff because my default mindset was have it and not need it than need it and not have it). I also cannot retain verbal instructions if it isn’t reinforced and the way cleaning was done I would go months without doing a certain task so the next time I had to do it I was starting from scratch basically. I think society needs to be more forgiving to people and not judge cleanliness as morality. Not everyone has had the same upbringing so what’s simple for you is not for everyone.
Are you me? My dad would say he'd start throwing my stuff out the window if I didn't clean up. I'm not sure how parents don't realize instilling fear does not work.
Not me getting this notification rigth as I am valiantly cleaning my kitchen on a Saturday night after internet content making me want to be a 'FLY' woman
Omg, my mom was a fan of Fly Lady. It reminds me of my adolescent years with the "27 fling boogie" and cleaning zones. 20 years later, she realizes she has adhd (even officially diagnosed), and I learned Fly Lady helped her a lot with keeping the house organized.
My mom is somewhat of a hoarder. Growing up, “clean the kitchen” meant “move mom’s piles of paper to the far end of the counter and clean everything else.” Now, living with roommates, I have a really hard time cleaning the common spaces because I don’t know where to put their stuff. I know I shouldn’t leave it on the counter, nor do I want to, but if I don’t know where else it’s supposed to go (and my roommates aren’t available to ask/take care of it themselves), I just pile it up as neatly as I can on the far end of the counter like I’m used to, but it never feels like I’ve actually done enough. On the other end, though, I was always taught to rinse off my dishes before the food residue had a chance to dry and get stuck to the plate, and my roommates weren’t, so I always end up having to rewash half the stuff in the dishwasher every time I empty it
Your comment brings me back to my college days. I was raised with Saturday morning chores and used to a pretty clean house. Living with roommates was sometimes tough because we didn’t necessarily have the same standards of cleanliness. I remember tidying the living room, vacuuming, dusting, etc once and I gathered up items that belonged to a roommate and put them in a nice pile in her room, thinking I was a doing a nice thing for her. She was so offended because she interpreted me moving her things as calling her messy.
I have ideas for you. Concidering stuff on the counter, you can try to put it all in some container, like bascket or box, and live it to its owners to decide where to put it. It will look cleaner and won't be an additional work for you. Just let them know before you start to do it. And about the dishwasher. Actually, you are not supposed to rinse your dishes before putting it to the dishwasher, just to remove big bits of food. The other day, mine cleaned to the perfection glass baking dish, which spent 5 days in a fridge with charred cheese on, and this is how it is supposed to be. There is three great wideos about dishwashers on the RUclips channel "Technology Connections", the shortest one has tips and tricks for how to make your dishwasher perform best it could and other two have more in depth explanations. Please check them out if you have at least some time, they are really great and helpful. And if you don't, there might be two easy fixable problems, that lead to not clean enough dishes. First - bad loading: plates that stand so close water can barely reach between them, bowls sitting on the side and not tilted and so on. And fixing it before starting dishwasher is faster and easier, than manually washing it afterwards. Second - lack of dishwasher upkeep. If there are bigger bits of food in your dishwasher, they may clog holes in water propellers, and that lowers the quality of cleaning dramatically. The most effective way to clean them is just to pluck out clogging stuff with tweezers. The best time to do it is right after unloading dishwasher. It's the cleanest in cycle and clogging bits pushed out by water pressure, so it's easy to pluck them out. You may need few rounds before there is nothing stuck, if nobody was doing it before. You also can clean your dishwasher with those special little bottles of cleaner, it helps too, but works way better after cleaning propeller manually. I am clearly very passionate about dishwashers xD info in part about them comes from years of experience in upkeep of a hostel dishwasher. It was just usual home grade machine, but it worked 2 to 5 times a day everyday. Sometimes loads were cleaned shitty and if they laid correctly it was the time for tweezers. But seriously, there probably is a way to make you dishwasher clean dishes properly, so there is no need to wash them manually.
I definitely agree that it would be a good idea to assign each housemate their own basket for stuff that gets left in the common areas That way everyone's stuff is safe and out of the way but they can decide where it ultimately lives
Lots of stuff to talk about. When being around people who talk about cleaning all the time, I realized that there is a certain level of dirt that I'm comfortable living with for the sake of not constantly cleaning and focusing on hobbies instead. I'm in my 20s and still living with my parents. We have way too much stuff for our place so things are frequently messy because people just keep moving them around if they have no set place. But it's mostly clean enough, except for some spots that seem beyond saving. Which is frustrating to me because my parents let it get to that point before I was old enough to care and now that I do care, I feel kinda powerless because I'm the only one who cares but it's not technically my apartment. A week ago I spent like 2 hours scrubbing the window frames in my room and they're still disgusting on the inside. It's probably the same in all the other rooms but I don't have the energy to dedicate to this when the other people living here don't even seem bothered by it. And I do wish my parents didn't let me off the hook with chores when I was younger because I also don't know how to do a lot of stuff or it takes me forever
are you me? i also grew up in a messy, cluttered apartment, and nobody but me seemed to care. i was never taught how to do most chores, but now that i don't live at home anymore, i am getting better at it. every time i visit my family, i just keep reminding myself that it is not really my space anymore, and there is no use wasting energy on trying to change their ways. i hope you can get out of that situation soon!
I really love that you've mentioned there's a certain level of dirt you're comfortable with to not be just constantly cleaning. I grew up in a house where it kind of did feel like we were constantly cleaning. Every speck on the floor, the baseboards, dusting, etc. It's freeing to know that I can not constantly clean and still live in a reasonably tidy living environment.
Wow I’m in the same situation. I care that things get messy, but didn’t have to clean much growing up so I’m not great at it. My parents end up cleaning because they are better and faster at it, so I don’t improve or become more comfortable in the role.
The leaf blowing the car thing made genuinely LOL. My husband does the same thing and its actually pretty effective honestly. He does follow it up with vacuuming but still
This is such an interesting topic. I was raised in a house that was always very clean and tidy because my mom loved to keep it that way, and she actually taught me how to view doing chores as a fun, relaxing activity. After moving out and sharing an apartment with other roommates, I was shocked to see that many of the things that were second nature to me didn't even cross the minds of other people. I really struggled with having to be the only one to clean, and even now that I have a roommate who cleans more than the others, I still catch myself being critical of them and not understanding how they can let things reach a certain point before they decide to clean. It does help to understand that not everybody was raised the way I was and that something that looks fun to me might be really difficult for others.
Love all your points except for one - vacuuming the couch is so effective! I've used my Dyson to vacuum our husky's insane amount of fur off the couch for years now and it works for me
I watch Amanduuhhh and I LOVE her. She's the first cleaning account that I felt was real. She made me feel seen as someone with depression and ADHD who's space doesn't always look the best. And watching her come out of that and create habits that you can see the progress of in her videos have been so inspiring to me
To me we should normalize houses looking lived in. We SHOULD NOT normalize dirty dishes with mold/4 day old food residue on them, leaving trash/dirty dishes all over the house, Theres a difference between a messy/disorganized house vs. Dirty, biohazard living conditions 😵💫
Yeah those things are dangerous and unhealthy. If people are getting to those points they need intervention. There should be like a community support group or something to help people who are struggling to that extent
@chattychatotchannel like it blows my MIND when I hear people have 3 kids ages from 6-12 and they don't help around the house? They're all old enough to clean their own rooms, clean dishes and picking up after themselves. Maintaining a home is a group effort!
I agree. I live in a house with air quality problems. Which means if I don't dust, vacuum, or ensure the mold is taken care of, my health will suffer. I'm giving myself compassion for being imperfect (due to disability and mental health, which aren't my fault) while also recognizing I need to improve for the sake of my health. It's not a choice, I need to do it. Cleaning is self-care. So there's nuance here.
Agree. People can be messy but still keep a good hygiene. I have ADHD and post partum depression. I have tonnes of books on my work desk but never leave dirty plates at random places. I also deep clean my bedroom and toilet every week.
I saw a study about how differently men and women see cleaning/taking care of the home. Basically, men only "see" the mess when it's no longer bearable. They ignore it before, but when it becomes impossible to live in (and ignore), they enter into crisis management mode. But women have more of a preventative mode, they don't let the mess become unbearable. So while men "prefer" cleaning for hours on end, women will do little things everyday to take care of the home (open the windows to ventilate so the house doesn't build mold and humidity, tidy as they move, do the dishes before you run out, etc). Therefore, when you ask the man to contribute, you're hit by "I don't think it's that bad", "tell me what to do", etc. What this means is, even with well-meaning men, the mental load still falls on the women. However, this is not to say it's an innate quality. Women and men are not born with their brains wired that way. Women can be just as messy/dirty as men. My mother, for example, is a total slob - which drives me insane because I really like things to be neat and organized (the irony is how she harped on me for years because I supposedly didn't clean well, and now that it's up to her standards, she does her damn best to undo everything I've done in the following hour...)
Its very weird the line we are walking between physical and mental health being unable to clean or obtain this perfect clean home and then the obsession of over cleaning our spaces. I'm disabled and have a difficult time doing basic chores so my house is clean but cluttered. But I get hyper focused on cleaning when family or friends come visit. Like I will injure myself making sure my house is spotless for guests. And neither side of that should be glamorized. Let us live in our homes without shame.
I have complex PTSD, ADHD and im a single mom with a spicy 2 year old. We also have 6 people living in a 3 bedroom house plus a 100 piund pit that my ex left behind and a german sheppard that i bought for my son who has psychosis. We mop every day. If i don't, it looks like the floor hasnt been cleaned in 6 months. Im not over exaggerating. Most days just living takes all my energy. I am fighting to not slip into an anxiety freeze mode or a depressive flashback. Sometimes i just cant clean. I will want to clean but my executive functioning is so messed up. It's really horrible. I have learned to have compassion for myself and not tie my worthiness to cleanliness.
I grew up in a messy and kind of dirty house. I do my best to keep my own house tidy and clean. I am lucky and privileged that I’m able to afford help from a professional cleaner twice a month. I’d give up so many other expenses before I’d give up her help.
i grew up and still live in a hoarder home and it kills me as i’ve developed the cleanly habits my parents haven’t. my parents would always harp on how embarrassingly messy my room was when theirs was borderline unlivable. i like to take extra precautions now but seeing them live in such a horrible situation is disheartening. a couple months ago they found black mold growing all over their walls behind furniture and they couldn’t be bothered to immediately clean it. the room had always been a little musty for lack of a better term and very humid so i wasn’t that surprised but it was worse than i thought. being told to maintain cleanliness by people who don’t even practice half of what they tell you makes you question what is actually normal.
I have a major depression home, especially since the cleaning never stops and when it gets really bad it’s a lot of work. You have to get it all done in one go or else you still feel overwhelmed but there’s never a day where the mess isn’t added unless no one is at home. I wish people were more understanding of mental illness and cleanliness cause as much as others are upset about it we are also upset about it but usually ruminating about it to no end
yeah I was abused into cleaning as a kid and my girlfriend was basically raised in a hoarder house and it has caused some massive points of contention between us but it's a process. I constantly have to remind her what/how to do stuff and that she didn't learn as a kid so she has to learn now. I understand what she's going through but man, as somebody who was abused into cleaning as a kid/teen now being the only one that cleans... *sigh* it's a process
Same 😭 I try to buy my in-laws things that can be used up (like candles/food) but I still feel guilty even contributing in that way to my SO's parents (who were the hoarders in my situation)
The performance of untidiness on socal media is wild to me. I have the ADHD and so does my mum. She brought me up with the idea of cleaning for other people - especially family who lived outside our city. We always did hours of cleaning before they visited - and we didn’t live in a dirty house! Just one that had people in it. But that means the idea of showing other people a messy, dirty house horrifies me, even if thats only through posting on social media. As for me as an adult... I actually really appreciate how Mum raised me. I don't feel guilty for not having a pristine environment on the day-to-day, but if someone is coming over, I spend a lot of time cleaning, which means my place never gets too filthy.
Tiffany I know you will probably not see this but I have to tell you how much I love your channel and format. It itches the scratch in my brain that wants to know about niche topics, all being told to me by a kind host.
I find it interesting how cleaning trauma is passed down. like my grandparents were extremely clean and my mom was messy as a result because cleaning was such a task and had to be done perfectly. I grew up in a messy household and I was messy as a child but now I am very clean because of how much I hated growing up in a mess. if I ever have kids ill have to try to find a balance so that they dont grow up hating cleaning and become messy because I was too clean hahaha.
New to the topic but: Joey’s videos are kinda neat ways to get the same job done. I have chronic pain so washing the walls or vacuuming the couch are really good solutions to quickly clean with less effort.
Won’t lie y’all… out of desperation after months of trying to stay on top of cleaning the couches of pet fur, I too vacuumed my couch cushions… and it worked too well. I’m in too deep. I’ve been vacuuming my couch for months now. (If you do this, I suggest also cleaning/disinfecting your vacuum regularly or investing in upholstery cleaners too. Idk, I still can’t get over the idea of floor meeting couch and it makes me feel better.)
HAHAHA I think I tried it once and some dirt from the tracks just marked my couch. I will not attempt again but should prob clean the underside of the vacuum lmao
That’s why I ended up getting a vacuum where I can detach the hose and put on a brush attachment for the couch. Especially since we have pets. They’re not allowed on the furniture but…shedding 😒
Is vacuuming the couch not normal? Lots of dust, snack crumbs and hair gets stuck under there so we always to vacuumed it regularly. If you eat snacks on the couch I recommend it. Edit: I reread the comment, our vacuum has hose attachment for cleaning spaces. In my apartment I have one with a detachable bottom. This prevents floor dirt from getting on the fabric and makes it easier to get into small spaces.
@@tiffanyferg Tip: When you vacuum the couch you aren’t supposed to use the bottom of the vacuum. Like the part that has floor contact. You either: use a vacuum with a hose and a different brush attachment, use a vacuum where the bottom detaches so it becomes smaller or use like just another small vacuum. This will avoid transferring dirt from the vacuum wheels onto the couch.
I really feel bad for Amanda Rose. My family has been close to being there for most of my life. My mom and I have clinical depression, my dad and I both have ADHD and autism and just... If any one of us was lower functioning than we are, we *would* be there. She's doing all of that on her own and is probably dealing with executive function issues on top of that, yet from what I've seen she's still trying. It's so hard to make a dent in a mess that big, even harder when you're the only one doing it. What she deserves above all is help.
As someone with many invisible disabilities and who was raised by someone with OCD so I never learned growing up to "tidy" I'm anxious to see your opinions. I often find myself ashamed of how bad I let things get. My mom grew up with both parents hoarding and my mom had ocd overcompensating. I never learned to tidy because there was never allowed to be any mess ever. And I'm trying my best to not become like her parents. Having cleaned the hoarder house with my mom when they passed, I don't want it to get that bad but its hard.
The comments section is already making me sad. Can we please consider how many of these messy living situations might be due to people with disabilities who do not have the support to help them function whether that be through medication, therapies or support workers and how shaming them only makes things worse? Like with hoarding situations there’s often times a serious underlying psychological issue or things build up with depression or adhd. Or their house might not be accessible like they may have mobility issues that make taking out trash hard. I don’t think people would let things get so bad if something is not seriously wrong. It’s not okay to live in such a state where there’s hoarding and biohazard. But they need help not to be ostracised and humiliated and jeered at.
There should be more support for people especially low income and disabled individuals to reclaim their lives and help get their house better which doesn’t involve shaming them and is instead kind and compassionate
I don’t see anyone ostracizing people with these issues, just commenting that they can have a detrimental impact no matter the cause. I do see a certain strain of thought online that turns something like executive dysfunction into a personality quirk or “difference” to be respected and I think that can be problematic, even as we acknowledge they are tied to behavioral health matters.
@@pisceanbeauty2503oh yeah they are detrimental and I don’t like the rhetoric that it’s just a quirk. A disability is just that, a disability. As someone with autism (diagnosed lvl 2 asd) I’ve been infuriated with people going like it’s a ‘different ability’ and trying to ignore the struggles that come with disability and the huge impact they have on someone’s life. They’re not a quirk
I work 50 hours a week in a physically exhausting job and my husband doesnt (hes working on his degree) and we still both clean as much as we can. We dont measure it exactly, we both just do as much as we can to make life easier for the other, but I would say its about 50/50. Guys who use "work" as an excuse to not do many chores are just lazy.
The creator shown at 11:30 is actually an old friend, and she doesn't post cleaning content. She makes big messes as part of her content, but it's not how she or her kids live. The mess is part of the fun, and then it's cleaned up. It's definitely got an aspect of rage baiting, but I'm not sure it's quite the same topic as "filthy house" cleaning content.
My mom thought me and my brothers to clean the house with her and help her since we were little, so we all grew up to have clean environments always, not in an extreme way, but joyful for us. I love having my house clean and things organized, makes me feel relaxed.
I just discovered other people didn't vacuum their couches... IDK why I do it? My mother did it? It vacuums the stuff that might be on the couch??? How else would you clean a couch?
I think it's the method. He was using the floor attachment to vacuum the couch where most people use the upholstery attachment. I have pets and need to vacuum my couch 2x a week and that's probably typical for most pet owners.
That bit about that guy’s wife who might clean before she films because she knows she’ll be judged differently…FACTS. For the husbands who don’t really do much around the house, people need to stop asking why doesn’t he HELP, and start asking why doesn’t he CONTRIBUTE. They both f-ing live there. If she was sick or injured (or pregnant 😉) that’s different. But you contribute to the household you live in. That verbiage perpetuates the idea that the woman should be doing all the household chores and if her husband helps in any way he is a hero for doing regular sh#t. Helping comes from outside. Like visitors who might help with something but aren’t expected to contribute because they’re not part of the household. Ok, rant over. Congratulations on your little daughter!
I was raised with absolutely no cleaning chores, with parents that refused to clean up after themselves and didn't teach me a single thing about cleaning. I've been having to teach myself how to clean for the entirity of my adult life while fighting against undiagnosed depression and ADHD and frankly, it's exhausting. Thankfully I have a partner now that was raised on the opposite side of the chore spectrum and he's taught me so much about how to clean stuff and how to tell if it needs cleaning and is the most patient person on the planet when it comes to my forgetting to vacuum.
haha, I'm like your partner in my current relationship. we both have adhd, but I'm more hyperactive and they're more inattentive, so they deal with a lot more executive dysfunction than I do and is on meds for it, whereas I have to be on antianxiety meds and basically hamster wheel myself everyday so I can function like a normal person (total opposites lol, its no energy vs too much energy). My partners parents are lovely but their dads house is so disgusting--legit every time I go there I am cleaning mold out of the bathroom or weeding poison ivy out of the yard or throwing out expired food or whatever, and its clear that my partner and their bother were never made to clean and do chores for free consntly like my siblings and I were. It bothers me so much that my partner just doesn't seem to notice the mess or is just like "oh haha whatever" which is probably why they're not the best at cleaning. my partner is getting there tho, so long as I remind them when things need a cleaning and sit with them while they do so and just overall be as kind and supportive as I can :).
yeah when i first came across her content i was actually very irritated but as i watched her develop better habits and put her foot down when it comes to her and her partner’s relationship i really do feel like she’s accomplished a lot. her support system was seemingly lacking and i just hope that the success she’s seeing is a wake up call.
11:52 at some point that child is going to see her moms TikTok’s and will hear how her mom speaks about her and as someone who’s parents both used abusive language towards me growing up, it can really take a toll on your self image and worth. Also considering that’s how she talks about her child online I can only imagine what she does in person.
The worst thing imo is when people are like “doesn’t it bother you?” Yes. It bothers me. Yes. It does. But feeling worse about that isn’t making the situation better. In fact, it’s making it seem like an even more insurmountable task.
omg yes. it one thing to be overwhelmed with the mess and the dirtiness but then to also feel like defined by it like you are being this horrible person does not help. people dont get that you might want to clean up but cant because of neurodivergence/physical disability and feeling anxious about the mess does not help. i wish others were more compassionate about stuff being dirty. like yes i know its not good but its not like im actively wanting it to be dirty.
My brother past away in september and I have very severe crohns disease. I live in a 625 square foot apartment and it used to be completely spotless before my brother passed. After he passed away I let it get really bad because I was in a terrible depression and due to the stress of the situation my crohns was really bad. Now I want to clean my apartment so bad but I never feel good enough. It's hard to clean an apartment when you are throwing up all day.
At certain points of my life I always got the weekly cleaning done and did my yearly spring cleaning to a satisfactory level for me, but after 2016, my mental health did a nose dive, I developed chronic pain, then finally when my chronic pain was fixed with surgery, I got pregnant with twins, and now I’m 4 months postpartum. I feel like I’ve been out of my cleaning groove for years and I don’t know what I’m going to do when I get back to work. My partner has ADHD, is generally more messy than me but not horrible and plans to be the stay at home parent when I go back to work. As a teacher, I’m off for the summer but my job os super demanding and I just wait for our house to turn to shit as I get more entrenched in the school demands. So glad you have a helpful partner who can take on the bulk of the work hopefully!
I've been following you for at least three years, if not longer, and I want to say this: Creators like you keep me on this platform. Recently, RUclips has given me the impression that they intend to make people dumber and waste their time. They keep pushing very empty videos on my homepage. I'm glad I have notifications turned on, or I might never have seen your videos, which is weird. English is my second language, and I always love hearing you talk. It improves my listening skills, adds to my vocabulary, and teaches me how to argue and put thoughts together. I'm not that young, by the way-I'm almost 30. Anyway, I just wanted to express my love for you and your content.
I'm fine with a bit of mess, as daily living creates messes anyway. But I draw the line when certain smells seem to be "stained" in clothes or items or when it affects children or innocent animals (ie. mold). Whether that's in person or online, I just can't. With friends, I'll just visit for a short while and I don't watch creators who do this stuff.
I just subscribed and what I absolutely love about you and your videos is that yes you bring the point of the problem such as overconsumption and in this case feeling guilty that you’re not cleaning or cleaning too much and not spending enough time with your kids. So you’re not just acknowledging the problem but you’re bringing a solution and weather that works for everyone or not it’s definitely refreshing to see that side of honesty you don’t get from most people. I always feel horrible when I see clean tok and all the super clean houses I can’t achieve and the gadgets I can’t afford but that’s not the case for the majority of us and it’s extremely difficult with postpartum depression anxiety mental and physical illness and disabilities there’s so many reasons people including myself can’t clean our home the way some can but I don’t feel horrible about not having those things when I know what’s more important are the memories I make with my kids the involvement I give them while cleaning or cooking we have fun they’re learning and we’re making the best of what we have and to me that’s all that matters even though I would enjoy a clean organized house it’s not going to consume me into jealousy and depression… anyway thank you for your content it’s very enlightening and encouraging and always comforting to know there are people who recognize the reason behind the judgment behind our own home and lifestyle choices
2:54 I hate to say it but you said it crosses from relatable to actually gross and I agree that is gross but that was me about 2 years ago. I clean everyday now regular household stuff because I'm a stay at home mom and the house stays clean 99% of the time but about two three years ago I was pregnant and was doing just fineeeee up until I hit about the 5th or 6th month of that pregnancy and I somehow developed a thyroid disease, I didn't know it at first because I didn't know what a thyroid even was, but I knew I was chronically fatigued and gained so much weight out of the blue and had a huge golf ball sized lump right where my thyroid is (goiter), and I was so exhausted everyday I could hardly even get out of bed each day and my house ended up looking and being exactly like that woman's in the video. I'm not even ashamed to say it because that disease hit me like a million tons of bricks. I used to get up at 7-8am each day and never even need naps and did fun activities with my kids, and then that happened to me and I just could not handle it, and I'm better now, still struggling with symptoms but better in my routines and I fight through the fatigue to cook and clean for my family. But yeah that type of really gross disgusting mess is very relatable to people like me who were going through very hard times. And I'm not even mad that she posted the video to show it because it's just the truth. I pray she can get the help she needs to get through whatever she's going through and can start to feel good about cleaning and keeping it clean.
It's counterintuitive, but I think it's important to consider that when you see an actually hoarded house, I'd argue that the odds of that person being lazy are actually lower than average. Laziness will get you to a certain 'level' of clutter, beyond which it ends up being more trouble than it's 'worth' if it's purely about doing as little work as possible. This increases tenfold once you get to a level where you're too worried about being judged* to have people come over and fix broken utilities or appliances. Like, think about how much harder it is to do something as simple as making pasta, if not only do you first you have to hunt down the needed supplies in a kitchen that looks like a page from one of those I Spy books, but then your kitchen sink isn't working and you're scared to have a plumber come inside to fix it, so everything has to be hauled to and from the bathroom and you're trying to wash pots and pans in a tiny little sink that wasn't designed for that. No 'regular' lazy person without some underlying illness or disorder is going to let things get bad enough that everyday tasks turn into time-consuming Easter egg hunts and obstacle courses. *(or that someone who doesn't understand that it's a disorder will be notified, try to solve the problem with threats and hard deadlines, and give you an impossibly short period of time to get through years of hoarded stuff without any outside support, be it mental or logistical)
Wait, vacuuming the couch is considered weird? I do this periodically to get up any crumbs or pet furs that our couch covers missed, though I use the hose rather than lifting the whole vacuum onto the couch. I am also the messy one out of my husband and I, so can relate! I also am happy that my husband genuinely enjoys doing the dishes and mowing the lawn since these are chores I don't enjoy as much. We hosted Thanksgiving last year and he was a rockstar cleaning the house that week since he gets home from work earlier. Whereas my previous job was only four days a week so I felt it was fair for me to take care of some cleaning and errands on my day off since I had the extra time. I agree, this should be the standard rather than the exception!
My relationship to cleaning is just bizarre, tbh. Like, for one thing, I have ADHD. Severe, disabling ADHD, absolutely cannot function without the highest dose of meds on the market (some people do get prescribed more but it's sort of off-label). So firstly I have thirty years of shame around not being literally able to clean when I want a clean environment because my brain cannot figure out how to initiate the process. Secondly, my mom is lowkey a hoarder and my dad was an alcoholic, so no one ever taught me to clean things if it wasn't a specific chore I was supposed to do, so I made it to college only knowing how to clean dishes and laundry. The bathroom? I kind of hadn't even realized there was cleaning to do in there other than throwing out empty shampoo bottles. I could use a plunger and was approximately aware toilet brushes existed but I think I thought they were for like, big specific messes. Thank god for my college roommates who chose to believe that I simply had no idea what they were talking about and generously walked me through the process, instead of rolling their eyes and saying "stop lying" as most people around me had. They also broke the process down into chunks for me when they saw me struggling, like one time someone sprayed all the surfaces for me and I just had to wipe them all down. This left me with the actual harder/more work-intensive part of the task, but took all the mental load off me when they knew I couldn't handle it. Forever grateful to those girls, and sorry I didn't realize what a gift they were at the time.
I truly hate the extreme judgment of cleanliness online. It’s always the woman expected to be clean. When we all live different lives and I think we should have more empathy surrounding this topic.
ngl one of the most isolating thing about my worst depressive period was my inability to clean up after myself. I didn't tidy, I left rubbish around my bed because I couldn't get out of it, I left food and plates to rot, etc. but the shame around my inability to do such basic tasks and the very obvious visual consequences meant I refused to let anyone into my flat, especially my room. My friends and family knew something was wrong, but I just couldn't let them see how bad it was because it was frankly disgusting. I didn't want to force them to deal with it. My sister was a lifesaver. She basically forced her way in and started living with me to make sure the flat was clean and I was eating. It was humiliating but so necessary to recover. I wouldn't say that sort of thing should be normalised as it's a massive sign of poor mental health, but avoiding shame and ridicule around it is so important to get people to accept help when it's needed.
How did you make it?? It's really, really bad here, I would die of shame.I had this problems some time ago, my family saw and helped, but now it's sooo bad. I have a son, as long as he was little I could do it for him, but now the depression is soo bad..I saved money to hire extreme cleaners, I plan on calling them tomorrow and the leave because the neighbours will see all of it and I can't come back then. I don't know I'm happy it ends but afraid to call the people but I have to.I'm such a failure..sry for dumping this on you, but it's really really bad and I can't tell anyone
@@projektraumschiff7402 You're really not a failure. Hiring cleaners is a good thing if you can! That's awesome :D A lot of people hire cleaners regardless and you're giving them work to do. They'll appreciate the job opportunity on top of getting to help you out
@@Sootielove thank you so much for taking the time to answer! I'm sorry, but I'm alone,all is crumbling down.but I try to get help tomorrow with all consequences. I won't die it's just hard.to know of people who got through it helps..
I've been watching amanda's videos from when she started cleaning and i assure you: it's gotten a lot better. back then, she had severe post partum depression and it was very, very obvious, and her partner just wouldn't help bc "he was working", so she probably just never got the help she needed. thankfully, it seems she's been getting better and a lot has come out (she got her partner to finally help her with house chores after she threw him out) and it just helps to see that getting better isn't linear or always good. i get that she rage baits, but i honestly feel for her bc from her videos, she seems like a person who needed help and couldn't get it, and now it's been getting back at her (ie, her daughter not knowing how to clean), which is something i wish i never have to go through, so yeah, amanda deserves the world
i have a lot of guilt of my own house. bc i would clean it and then it seems like i just blinked once and everything is in utter chaos-- then that makes me avoid everything before deep cleaning again. the cycle continues. i was raised in a messy/dirty house that put all of the expectations of the women clean while my brothers and dad never or VERY RARELY did work around the house... definitely why i still hate cleaning to this day.
Same. I dread cleaning, especially doing the dishes, because I have been doing it since I was a tween. Once I was old enough to be trusted with handling fragile plates/cups, I was always tasked with doing the dishes. I don't blame my mom because she had a whole house to run, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't resent the fact that it was just us women/girls (dad was the only man in the family) that cleaned. My dad won't even bother to carry his dishes to the sink, he just leaves them on the dining table. I'm grateful that I now live with my husband who has no problem helping out around the house, but he also came from a family where the majority of cleaning was done by his mother and sister, so he constantly has to be asked to do it, he doesn't just clean/tidy up on his own volition. I remember the first time I stayed over at my in-laws and noticed how my MIL and SIL were constantly up doing things around the house and in the kitchen while my husband and his brother were mostly just lazing about. They were only really useful for quick errand runs outside the house. It's also why I made it a point early on in our marriage to get him involved in doing housework so I won't end up bitter and tired like my mother, plus we both work full-time jobs so I do need help around the house. He won't do the dirty chores like scrubbing the toilet or deep cleaning the kitchen, but at least I can now delegate a lot of the dishwashing to him, and he likes to vacuum so I'll take whatever help he's willing to offer.
I’m 8 months pregnant, first time. Very eager to see my baby girl!! Anyway, something I didn’t anticipate was that no matter how helpful my husband is (whether in verbal reassurance or literally doing chores) I feel shame for not keeping my house in tip-top shape. Even though my body is literally transforming its entire essence to create a new human. Literally just woke up from a 5hr nap to wash some dishes, only to sit down from breathlessness😅
Thank you for this 🙏 Cleaning is so difficult for me. I feel stupid and have always felt stupid for having such a hard time doing something "easy" like cleaning my house. Even after studying how to clean correctly and cleaning with ADHD, there is SO much shame from still being a "beginner" at cleaning.
Honestly, I had a roommate who had ocd and was a clean freak (not a bad thing. She was actually an awesome person). However, the apartment never felt lived in and gave me such an empty feeling. It was too perfect, too clean, too copy paste from an ikea magazine.
As a mentally disabled person I understand sometimes it just hurts too badly to move. I can't stand spotless clean because I need the clutter lived in feel. I'm not that bad, but I need pain medication just to clean. Less a minute washing dishes would make me in so much pain all I can do is lay down and take pain pills, muscles relaxant. My life is depressing and after a few repeated attempts of suicide. I think unless you think it is a health or safety problem keep it to yourself you don't know what our situation is like
as an autistic person with limited mobility i rly get this and i hope you find motivation when you can. it fkn sucks not being able to enjoy normal outings due to physical impairments and on top of that not even be able to complete basic tasks at home due to the same thing. some days are shit but some days aren’t and that’s enough motivation for me.
also grew up without designated chores in a cluttered house. credit going off to a residential high school for developing all the cleaning habits I have now. We had designated chores for the common area that rotated each week and had to have our room inspected prior to going home for any long weekend. It wasn't so rigorous as say a military situation, but they wanted up to have things put away, carpet vacuumed and bathroom clean prior to leaving for break. Fast forward 15 years and I still can't go out of town without making sure the house has minimal visible mess.
"normalizing" the mess (in my eyes) is not about saying it *should* be like this, but the fact people struggle with this kinda stuff needs to be talked about without hate or disgust for them to feel comfortable getting help the fact we're at a point we don't help each other in situations like this is scary to me
100%, just understanding that certain neurodivergences/disabilities can make it hard picking up after yourself and taking care of yourself and not feeling ashamed about it. if we as a society was better we wouldnt see it as a bad thing but more of a sign that someone needs extra help and care and be able to give it to them
As someone with quite some mental health problems, I find it really hard to keep up with daily tasks. Since I really want children later in life, I use this as a motivation to work hard on myself through therapy. I believe a certain baseline of cleanliness and organisation is crucial for children, and that that's the adults' responsibility. I really appreciate how you touch upon the fact some people never learned how to do basic household tasks. My mother used to shame us for being sloppy and lazy when we were young. It took me years before I realized how twisted that was since she (and our dad) was the one who was supposed to teach us.
20:10 “internalized it that way?” The government gives a private entity, CPS, permission to arrest your children indefinitely if the home is dirty. These concerns are not soft, internalized expectations: they are about the harshest level of negative consequence our society has to offer.
I have contamination OCD and so I have a hard time deep cleaning because it's so many germs and I have to clean so specifically also I have a lot of anxiety about what is clean enough and what isn't. There have been times where my room has been like a hazard which I am working very hard to stop happening. So I understand the stress of cleaning. But I work very hard to make sure the spaces I share with other people are cleaned when other people are home because as a child I was taught that thats what's respectful and respect was a very important part of my upbringing so I hold it in high regard. I feel like normal level of mess like toys everywhere and a bit of dust in shared spaces is perfectly fine no one is gonna have a perfectly cleaned house 24/7 that is impossible. But if you find yourself constantly with hazards such as mold in public spaces then you need to sit down and come up with a system. For example, my roommate and I noticed our trash kept piling up on the floor and we couldn't figure out what to do. So we realized an easy solve was just more trash cans. We now have 8 trash cans of different sizes in different places our room and its less of a problem now with no extra effort exerted from us. Especially if you have children you need to figure it out. Do you need diaper genies everywhere? Would that help? Mop or vacuum easily available in every room? Do you just need therapy or a cleaning lady? There's no rules its just what works for you
I really appreciate how you highlighted misogyny throughtout this trent. I would also like to add, the nuance around childhood experiences, and trauma that also may inform belief systems around cleaning. I thought this video was very well done and thought provoking.
oh, my house will go from clean to dirty in less than an hour. I mean, just the process of getting kids up and to school means dishes, spills, bathroom mess, clothing mess. I can wake up to a clean house and come home from dropping off the kids to more than an hours worth of cleaning. And that's if my son doesn't have a meltdown.
My house is messy, my sink sometimes has stinky accidental plant residue in it from my fishtanks or house plants, and sometimes we miss food in the sink or in the car. But if something is gross or stinky, if we find it we freaking get rid of it immediately. We might leave empty dishes out, because they are fine and clean ish, (cereal/ice cream bowls the milk/sugar will dry) but if there's even a tiny bit of actual food left in a container, we either toss or put in the fridge. The worst, smelliest mess we had was when i forgot some hair algae i had put in the dark to die so i could keep the cleaner snails.. 😂🤮 It was.. revolting.
I love Amanda. she's doing so well right now and her partner is also helping more, plus she's actually doing the decluttering that's gonna help keep stuff easier to keep clean. her home looks really good now. plus she's doing free cleans for people in hoarding situations or with other health issues
Welcome back!! I can't stop thinking about cleaning! ... rather than actually doing it, of course. // Try Rocket Money for free: rocketmoney.com/tiffanyferg #RocketMoney #personalfinance
@tiffanyferg Are you planning on publishing a survey about the topic of public housing in the US?
i really think her husband or boyfriend just weaponize incompetence so they don't even get asked to help my partner and kids do it as well its all left for me it made me ocd and I now have a standard that no one else can do
@@littlemissbossy1000 her husband and kids clean the house, tiffany cut off videos to make it look otherwise
@@littlemissbossy1000 yes… lol. That’s the entire point of weaponized incompetence.
When i was little, i used to watch this show where people with cleaning ocd went and cleaned a persons house with hoarding ocd and basically the moral of the story was that both parties needed a lot of therapy lmaoo
Im totally taking the wrong thing away from this, but is there by any service that matches people who love to clean with people who don’t? If not, did I just stumble on a million dollar idea? 🤔
Omg TLCs compulsive cleaners show I used to watch that for cleaning motivation 😭😭
I still watch Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners here on YT whenever I need cleaning motivation haha
Yes I loved that show, I have ocd, it’s getting better.
Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners! Some of them made supportive friendships, some of them had mental breakdowns, nothing inbetween
The "Guys's Eyes" thing really bothers me. I hate the "hapless dopey husband" trope
samee
This!! Literally watching this video as my husband does the dishes. I literally told my mom the other day I refuse to buy the “it’s a man thing” because my husband can do it and I truly don’t think he’s a unicorn, I just think he cares and some men do not.
I returned from a week away and my husband unpacked my bags and put all my dirty laundry in the washing machine. Let's stop making excuses for men being slobs.
I think it can be a thing, but I don't think it's an inherent trait. I think it's the result of not having to see it they way people socialized a women do. It's also not a case where you just go "Oh well! Guess I do everything now!". No. They can learn and if they won't you need to make some choices.
One day, I explained to my husband how some women genuinely believe men are incapable buffoons. I told him that I view him as capable, and my equal.
He was already a good partner, but something changed in the relationship after that conversation. It's nothing too dramatic. Just incrementally more awareness of how the patriarchy effects him.
that husband that "doesn't see the mess" reeeeeealy sounds like he just can't be arsed to clean anything
Sounds like weponized incopitence flat out.
@@kaleidoscopingme*weaponized incompetence
It can be a mental health thing. I used to disconnect from reality when I was in a messy area because mess stressed me out so much. Brain no see, brain no stress.
There certainly are lazy and unhelpful people around but that’s not the only reason someone might not “see the mess.”
I’ve since had therapy and it’s muuuuchhh beeetterrrr
That husband does need to step up and work on himself, though, even if he’s innocent in heart and his mental health is a barrier he needs to realize what his inaction does to his family.
I just can’t relate to wanting to marry someone that can’t do basic household chores. It’s genuinely baffling to me.
@@StudioHannahI COMPLETELY agree. My husband is a pretty clean person, when we met I always told him I just don't see the mess therefore I don't stress about it. Of course he didn't understand. I had to step up and start noticing the mess for his sake and well being, it was really stressing HIM out. In the process I figured out what you said, so I started working on it. I feel so much happier now ❤
This reminds me of when I was in college , reading articles on domestic and unpaid labor between men and women (for women’s gender and sexualities studies). I remember one of the articles points out that when heterosexual men are expected to do housework, it’s usually jobs that don’t need to happen every single day. Things like mowing the lawn, cleaning the gutters: they are usually jobs that don’t need to be done immediately. Conversely, heterosexual women are expected to do housework that is highly visible when skipped: washing dishes, dusting, vacuuming. It’s the type of housework that is highly noticeable when you skip doing it. I took that class 7 years ago and it’s always interesting how we have new platforms these issues always pop up, usually wearing a different name.
My husband did not really understand the amount of time I spent daily doing chores to keep our lives from chaos. Dish washing, wiping counters, cleaning the sink & kitchen, dusting, sorting the mail, sorting the recycling, keeping track of grocery lists, sorting laundry, grocery shopping, purging clutter. EVERY day was 2 to 3 hours just to keep things manageable ontop of full time school & part time job. So yeah, he'd take out the garbage if I tied it up & left it by the door for him to take downstairs on his way out but I could never get him to have daily habits like hang up your coat, put your dirty clothes IN the hamper not next to it, put your wallet & keys in the same place so you know where they are, etc. If I had known what a battle it would become...I may have reconsidered marrying him. You can love someone but still think they are a terrible room mate. And no, they don't change.
@@yensid4294i hope he's able to put in the work to empathize with you & put in the action to do his part. he is not doing his part by making it seem like this is solely your responsibility. you deserve the love it takes to make your every day life easier.
full time school & job too? that's amazing & i'm so proud of you for doing everything you can, but it's not sustainable for you to do this all on your own. daily chores is everyone's job in the household unless there are unique circumstances, but your situation is not one of those.
it would be interesting to see if he could take on the household chores for a week. would he dismiss it outright? does he respect you enough to take you seriously? love isn't love without respect & empathy.
Another aspect of the divide is the fact that many chores that are considered "men's chores", are ones that common apartment living doesn't allow. In my apartment complex, there are landscapers every week, contractors for the gutters, any maintenance can only be done by officials, and it is forbidden to work on your car in the parking lot. Aside from taking the trash to the compacter, that leaves every other chore to be ones that women were raised to take care of.
@@MossTunic you said it best: love isn’t love without respect and empathy 🙏🏽
@@KittySheep that’s such an interesting point!!! How easily “men’s chores” can be taken out of the equation yet it’s frowned upon when trying to apply that logic to “women’s chores”. I think the article only surveyed people in houses, so apartment living wasn’t a point of discussion (at least from my recollection).
There’s an author and social media creator named KC Davis who wrote a book called “How to Keep House While Drowning” she talks about changing the language you use about cleaning, the one that helped me the most was swapping out the word cleaning with resetting because resetting has the expectation of messiness. It helped me realize that everything is going to get messy and cleaning is just how we reset the cycle and that whatever point I’m at in that cycle is morally neutral.
I grew up in a hyper clean home. My siblings and I all suffer from mental illness and my mom has had to learn that the state of our homes is (often) due to our mental illnesses, she’s working on learning not to comment on it
yesss I appreciate KC Davis's work so much!
That book is great! For me, reframing chores into gifts for your future self helped a lot
@@Kylie-ir8gu yes! That one is so helpful!
oooh i like that reset approach a lot!
LOVE her!
“why doesn’t my husband help me clean? well he has a case of what i call man’s eyes where he doesn’t see when something is dirty” godspeed to all the stay at home mothers out there genuinely bc patriarchal propaganda is crazy like… that is a grown man who also lives in that house with yall. how are we any closer to “de-stigmatizing messiness” when we can’t even take the blinders off to acknowledge the root causes of why mothers/individuals are the one left w/ the burden of all this + more in the first place :/
It doesn't help that all the commenters are calling her a bad mom.
Like. As far as I'm concerned, she's the only one I see doing any cleaning. So wheres the father? I'll comment on her once I see if the father does anything.
@@jadecoolness101 Itto is the best husbando! I think he’d try to clean, but wouldn’t do a good job unless he saw it as competition somehow 😅
@@pokelover02 you'd need to call in Shinobu to kick his ass into shape, or tell him Sara does better lol
Jokes aside, he seems like a not-messy character. I mean one of his idles is literally him just fixing his hair.
He's a goofball who doesn't think things through, but he's not a pig, y'know?
!!!!!
Yeah, then he needs to learn to pay attention to things that need to be attended to in his own damn house.
Midwest Magic Cleaning (stills from the channel were featured a few times) may not have been the best example for this video: they specifically help people deal with hoarding disorder and are up front about how they don't expect the state they leave the house to be how it will stay. They are clear as well about how hoarding is a manifestation of a mental state and isn't so simple to deal with; they are respectful about how they clean and what they throw away, as they don't want to break people's trust when someone else comes in to help. If it isn't rotting, gone bad, or just trash, they keep all of it. What they can't fit back in the cabinets, they put in clearly labeled tubs. They do this because the guy who runs the channel likes cleaning, particularly extreme cleaning, and because most people with hoarding disorder couldn't possibly pay for this kind of service. It's a lovely empathetic thing to do for someone, and thankfully the youtube channel pays for their sometimes considerable expenses.
yes thanks for saying this
I think I'm going to check that channel out! He sounds nice and I have issues keeping my own living space clean. Maybe I'll feel inspired.
@@lanskandal1181 It's great! Plus he has a cleaning tutorial that shows how you can comprehensively clean your house in a few hours, using a slimmed down number of products. And let's not forget his dry sense of humor :D
Yes! MMC is a wholesome channel!
@@lanskandal1181 his channel is amazing for body doubling, i will often have one on in the background while i do the dishes or something, it really helps me
as someone with very severe adhd, I appreciate the normalization of executive dysfunction. but I also grew up with a mom with executive dysfunction so I'm very sensitive to the idea of subjecting poor living conditions to someone else (especially kids but also pets). I deeply relate to being traumatized by growing up in dirty conditions, and I can't imagine having those conditions posted online. It's important to have empathy for people who have trouble cleaning, and to not take the ability to clean for granted. I also relate to the idea of cleaning baggage, where I was so used to being berated for cleaning things "the wrong way" that I freeze up when I try to clean something myself. It's not a failure to admit you need help, but it is a failure to those dependent on you to maintain those conditions in perpetuity. If there's a moldy dish in my sink, that's self harm, that's my adhd impacting myself. If I had a child, that moldy dish would be harming them too, and there needs to be a solution to minimize that harm (division of labor with a partner, hiring a cleaner, etc). Overworked moms definitely need more empathy and grace granted to them, but so do children
I don't have children, but for me an my boyfriend our trick is to invite people over (pretty much) every weekend so we have to clean 😂
Works like a charm 🎉
I’m terrible at keeping my room clean due to executive function issues but, If I have roommates I do by best to keep common spaces clean or my side of the room if we’re sharing a room. When I was a kid my friends used to come over to help me clean or be my body double. It’s not fair to the people I live with if I’m inviting in roaches. A child can’t even play safely in the house without coming into contact with dangerous things. Like sharp cans next to the sink? mold in little lungs? a single cut could send a kid to the hospital.
Overworked women need less children and way less horrific partners
yeah my gf has a lot of mental trauma from cleaning, from her mom pulling shit like this and so she has trouble getting herself started so I end up doing most of the cleaning. She also has control issues and she will criticize how I clean things and I will have to talk with her and remind her that this is why she doesn't clean and then she apologizes and is grateful that I am doing it all.
It sucks for her, but I don't mind as long as I can make things easier for her.
I read this as erectile 😭😭😭
Then your parents come over to your adult house, and Dad goes, "dishes in the sink, huh?". Yeah, Dad. I'm disabled and work - my spouse works. Sometimes dirty dishes stay in the sink.
Lmao 😂 we have a child and we cook most meals. Dishes get done every day but 90% of the time there’s a lot of dishes in the sink. We’re cooking healthy meals and feeding a child. Dishes in the sink means we’re doing a great job.
Next time thank him for volunteering to wash them for you. Clearly he noticed how tired you guys are and how helpful that could be that day.
My dad always does it and my parents house is as messy as mine. This hypocrisy is driving me insane.
My mom criticized how dirty the track to the sliding patio door was over last time she was over 😂 lmfao the track of the door that is literally outside 😂
Bitch I'm autistic as fuck and didn't get diagnosed until I was an adult because you didn't "notice" but you sure as shit notice the dust bunnies in my house. Ohhhhkkayyy 😂
@@stevenandcarminabeedle9089 Right?? That was also my thought. Tell this guy to do the dishes himself if it bothers him so much, lol
Does “unfuck your habitat” still float around on the internet? It was originally a tumblr blog so maybe not, but I know the blog owner did publish a book version. It centered around cleaning routines for people with disabilities and mental illness, and combatting the notion that everything has to be perfectly clean all the time, or that cleaning meant spending hours doing every chore one after another versus just spending 5 minutes picking up one corner to improve it. The struggle is definitely real and it’s taken me years of living on my own to develop (most of) a routine that doesn’t make me spiral or feel like I’m a robot who does nothing but work.
ooooh I remember this blog
I used to love that blog! I did read the book version but it mostly said thing the blog had already covered. I still use their timer system for a lot of cleaning.
oooh I'll check this out!
Yes I loved that blog! It genuinely helped instill some subconscious habits in me
+
On the flip side, I was raised in a spotless home and I love a clean environment and have adapted those same habits of my mom but it has long term made me subconsciously uncomfortable in any environment that does not meet those cleaning standards and even as an adult, I am very much a homebody for that reason. Most homes, hotels and public locations don't feel 'clean enough' and I struggle to feel comfortable anywhere but my home. (I also have mild contamination ocd which doesn't help the situation)
I cannot relate more!! Unclean environments make me uncomfortable and I’m more than happy to stay home and clean!!
LITERALLY SAME my mom always got super anxious when the house was messy so it was always pretty clean. So now I get super anxious when it's messy and also have contamination ocd haha. But it's awful because I feel like such an asshole when I cant enjoy myself in other people's houses because i just get so uncomfortable in messes. Like im all for normalizing living a messy life but its so hard for me to practice what I preach 😭
This is really interesting, I grew up in a super clean home where my mom did most of the cleaning but I have had the opposite response where I struggle to clean and always feel really guilty and embarrassed by the mess
SAME!!
@@tessknits same!! but i also have adhd which really impacts me too
special shoutout to everyone who was raised by parents (moms) who cleaned eveything, never learned how to clean, and then one day your parents were mad at you for not knowing how to do basic stuff. like huh, almost like someone should’ve taught me how to do that 10 years ago 🤔
It’s a common trap as a parent to forget that your kids don’t have the same experience and knowledge that you do. It sounds crazy but it happens all the time. We subconsciously assume our kids have the same starting point as we do. We forget they only have what we give them.
My mom switches up her cleaning tools and products a lot, so even when I want to clean to help her out, I don’t know what to use!
Can I mop, or use the swiffer she bought recently? Where did she put the brush I need? Do we have a duster, or are we back to using rags? Why do we have so many different brands of bathroom cleaner?? I can only do vacuuming and laundry confidently at this point smh
A lot of parents think you’ll just pick it up by watching them but some kids just can’t unless you sit and show them what to do
@@thelonleyUchiha1 and let's be honest...kids and teens are selfish/self-absorbed. There's a reason people like to bring up brains not being fully developed until 25. If you do not explicitly tell them to do the things no one wants to do, and enforce that they have to do them, 90% of teens are absolutely not going to do it on their own.
I searched for this comment… there are two sides: messy parents leads to kids being messy as adults. The parents who cleaned everything for you until age 35 then you can’t do it yourself. Both can be harmful
I was always told to clean, but never taught how. When I didn't clean correctly or on the schedule that was expected yet never explained I dealt with being berated, yelling, banging dishes etc. Even to this day if I hear someone messing with dishes in the sink it sends me into high anxiety mode where I will hide away in my safe space
I am a messy person but not filthy. I do clean it's just not always right away. An example might be I don't put a couple water bottles into the recycling right after use
Relabel AF! If the dishwasher isn’t loaded “right” my body just goes into panic.
With that I’ve always hand washed my dishes as I’ve used them, but my roommates are the ones in charge of kitchen duty. I do the other house chores. Learning to live in lived in place is overwhelming but liberating in many ways.
Bestie SAME. My parents would berate me for not helping out around the house, but my undiagnosed neurodivergent ass was literally never taught how. Or if I was taught, it was in the most cursory way possible. I feel you and I still struggle with cleanliness as an adult.
I get that type of trigger from people walking in the hallway.
This!!! I would load the dishes and every time i would be yelled at and berated for doing it “wrong” somehow. I literally begged for a list so I could do it right and never got an answer
I'm married in a small house with pets and no kids. Both me and my husband (both men) work full time. He grew up in a disgusting house with too many kids, and I grew up in a clean house with only me and my sister, who were never messy kids. He gets that paralyzing executive dysfunction that's mentioned in those videos and I do not, I just don't like a messy house, so I clean it. Because of this, I end up doing pretty much all of the housework (yes even the mowing lol.) He will help if I ask him to, but he almost never cleans of his own volition. It can be exhausting, and I even call it my second shift sometimes. I can not imagine actually having children to feed and clean up after. He always tries his best to help and to give me lots of praise, acknowledgement l, and rewards for doing the heavy lifting, and I am appalled at the men in relationships who can't even do that much, or recognize how much effort goes into housekeeping.
Your husband is not doing enough and he's making excuses. And you're making excuses for him. Especially if he's making the messes and not, at the very least, cleaning up after himself. This is a serious sign of disrespect.
Maybe you could write a rota to put on the wall, stating who does what cleaning and when each week, so he knows it’s just ‘Tuesday, the day I clean the bathroom’, whether he can see it’s dirty or not. Then it will be a bit more even and you won’t have to remind him so much, though you’ll probably need to remind him about the rota now and then! We struggle to get all our things done, with both of us working full-time, and have found one of the best things in the evening if I cook, and he washes up at the same time, we have managed to do all that and have a clean kitchen before bed! It doesn’t always work, but I guess it’s good to try and find a routine that works (I am terrible with routines due to ADHD, so I know that’s easier said than done). Ultimately, you shouldn’t have to be working double to maintain the house that two capable adults live in. He needs to either be okay with being given chores if he can’t figure it out himself, or fine a rota/routine that works, and stick to it. Otherwise he’ll be working and then having fun with his life, whilst you’re working and then cleaning.
Acknowledgement is not enough, but I hope he shows up for you in different ways. It's okay to have division of labour according to your strengths, but "recognition" is only slightly better than plain learned helplessness.
Not being able to take care of yourself to that degree is a sign of mental issues. I would recommend him to go see a psychiatrist + a psychotherapist.
Also, he could use that free time to make some money for hiring a cleaner
This is SO true, cleaning standards are so tied to the way you grew up and your "standards" of what clean means. As someone who is not American, one of the biggest culture shocks I had when I moved to the US was how what people generally considered clean was not what I was brought up with. For example: to me, it's extremely strange to go more than 10 days without changing your bedsheets, or to not sweep your floors every other day. Or even to not have separate cleaning rags for the kitchen/bathroom/floors. There's so much about cleaning that's cultural, even more than what varies family to family.
I feel like rage bait content has sky rocketed in these past couple of years. From "Nikacado" to this cleaning "villain," I think people are willingly placing others around them in harmful situations in trade for money. At what point does that trade no longer "work" (risk assessment)?
I'd like to say that the answer is "never," it's never okay to put people at risk but I'm also very,very aware how people can start making these choices under the mindset of "this is only temporary. Until we can afford the rent," and that eventually moves on to ,"until we can pay off the car," "put money aside for the kids' college fund," and it just spirals into really bad territory.
i agree, this is the huge elephant in the room for most controversial internet content. some people are willing to put themselves and their loved ones in danger just for a quick buck and nobody does anything until it is too late (the 8 passengers, anyone?). while i don't support the tiktok ban in the us, social media should definitely be regulated.
I think this is an important conversation. I've even seen rage bait turned into f*tish content. A long time ago actually. It struck me as really unhealthy.
You might like Hannah Alonzo's influencer insanity series!
@@brynna8619 already subscribed 🫡
@@brynna8619 I'm already a subscriber 👍
I cleaned out my entire closet while listening to this. I’ve been putting it off for years. I have like 7 trash bags full of clothes that I haven’t worn in years, many of which don’t even fit.
Good job! I downsized awhile ago and have 3 more boxes left.
7 bags 😧 American consumerism
That’s incredible! I struggle soooo much with letting go of clothing. I’m sure it feels so good to have that done :)
Yet another instance of "that thing you put off for years will be solved on a random Tuesday" :)
@@onlyAscension um. Those bags were likely accumulated over many years. I went through the same thing, I’m proud of those several bags of tattered rags that I’d been hoarding. Out with old in with new :). I also donated stuff.
If you don't have time to pick up a dirty diaper from the floor, you don't have time to film, edit and rant.
Which is how you know she's giving a Performance, perfectly crafted to press the buttons of a certain swatch of women.
I don't even think her accent is wholly real.
THANK YOU
Indeed😊
Diaper = every day. Video = once
As a stay at home mom for almost 2 years with some executive function issues, I recently found a way to help me stay clean and organized and that is a physical, paper planner. It’s super basic, just has weekly priorities and a habit tracker on the top half and the bottom is just for each day of the week and I can write out my plan for the week. One day is mopping, one day I clean one bathroom and polish the furniture, etc. having a paper planner and not just using my phone has been so so helpful for keeping myself focused
I love that! I find physical planners more helpful for me too
i grew up in a hoarder home with a mentally ill single mom ( lived similarly to the lady at 11:00 and videos afterward) and i think its important to see how people like us lived, especially for those who never had to live like that. it should not be normalized AT ALL (and yes, i would be embarrassed if my friends found out. don't put your kids online) but it does help kids like me feel like we were/are not alone in our struggle, and it can help other people be more mindful of what they say and how they act around others' living situations; i can't tell you how many times i had friends asking me why they couldn't come over to my house and i couldn't bear the embarrassment of telling them the real reason, so i just had to hope they stopped asking.
also, the amount of people i see online responding hatefully to the parents (most often moms) who live like this does make me feel sad, most likely because grew up with that mom and i saw her struggle. people just don't understand the amount of mental health decline that has to happen for that level of dirtiness to occur, its not a choice and its traumatizing for everyone involved.
such important points. sending you love!!
@@tiffanyferg tysm!!
this is me and my siblings story… only my mom was depressed and a stay at home mom, which I think made things even worse because we grew up literally hating her, and my dad used to be outside working all day pretty much every day. they used to fight all the time because my mom wouldn’t do anything all day, they’d get in awful fights almost daily. we honestly had an horrible childhood and are now trying our best. these things scar you for life
@@cheerioskid Amen and thank you for sharing! I avoid tiktok on this stuff especially for that reason. There are people on RUclips like A Hoarder's Heart that I prefer to watch - they're struggling and honest about it but they're also making progress on improving their living situation instead of keeping it dirty for the views.
I have sympathy for anyone mentally ill (I am too), but once you hurt your children because of your mental illness, I lose that sympathy.
Mental illness or disability doesn't mean the things you do to people aren't neglectful or abusive.
If you know you can't take care of yourself or not do abusive things to others and you choose to have children, you are choosing to inflict that on your innocent children.
This gave me such a fresh perspective. I didn’t grow up in the cleanest household. In fact, it was disgusting. I lived in the hood and well, roaches live there. It was early childhood but one time I woke up with roach guts in my mouth. Their guts looked like Pepto Bismol actually. I unknowingly chewed them in my sleep. I am permanently scarred. But my biggest influences on cleanliness who I believe are genuinely neurodivergent are my mother and my aunt. One has almost no executive functioning skills when it came to cleaning and the other one has legitimate cleanliness OCD. My mom got better after a short stint of them living together…you could probably imagine why that didn’t work. Lol. But going from living with roaches, clutter and mess and visiting my aunt and being yelled at for dropping the remote despite being a little kid with limited mobility skills was actually insane. And unlike my other aunts, there’s been times of us living with each other so I was truly being raised with conflicting mindsets. But once my mom moved me and our family away, she just would be angry that we weren’t as clean as my OCD aunt. Which made no sense because she was filthy? But I didn’t start truly seeing mess until I was pushing 30. Between my roommates in college in my mid twenties once I finally moved out to working for bougier hippie types who would surprisingly deep clean the trash can if it smelled like it had rotting citrus fruit in it (which it me actually smells like extra strong citrus fruit which I think is nice, ngl so I had no idea) like…it’s been a wild journey on my perception of cleanliness…I unfortunately think I might be closer to my Aunt’s point of view with the lack of executive skills as my mom at this point…oops. It’s a nightmare.
I don’t think COVID helped with the moralizing of cleanliness. The black community has it’s own issues going on and I think it’s partially due to the history of black Americans cleaning white folk’s spaces, ngl. But I dipped out on extreme cleanliness when I saw a woman wash her Christmas tree in dawn dish soap in the tiktok…like…that’s too much for me…even for rage baiting…
But one other thing I want to point out (sorry this is so long) is men also have similar upbringings to messy women on top of it not being valued to teach them how to clean properly, if it all, period. If I didn’t see the mess before I was shown, how can I expect a man too? Sure there’s weaponized incompetence, but a lot of them are simply not seeing the mess. Some of them have their own executive dysfunction issues. It sucks in cases when it falls onto partners to teach them, but dumping them…like other commenters have suggested instead of setting a boundary of a certain standard of cleanliness…like…you might lose a good partner whose only flaw is simply not knowing how to clean and some men are willing to learn and won’t use weaponized incompetence. I’ve seen people breaking up with their partners over stupid tiktoks that promote the idea that the only reason men don’t clean is due to weaponized incompetence, but men have different upbringings…on top of their own individual experience separate from manhood which I think people forget sometimes…
Like…ya’ll….some of us just didn’t grow up cleaning like that and that’s it. There’s no deeper meaning.
(If you made it through this whole comment, I’m sorry…I genuinely have trauma related to cleanliness while battling my own executive dysfunction and ocd tendency issues that cause me not to be as clean as I would like to be….I have a lot of feelings on this topic LOL)
omg this was such a relatable read. my fam is mexican and my american born dad is a hoarder and my grandma always was crazy about cleanliness cus she was raised on a farm. i def picked up on a more “clean” mindset so when i’d see roaches in the house it fkn killed me because i was so embarrassed. one day at school i opened up my backpack and a small roach crawled on me and it made me cry. i hated seeing roaches everywhere and it was even more frustrating when they touched me. every time i’d try to clean the house like my grandma said, it never lasted long. the mess would be right back. i tried to implement habits like taking off shoes when you’re inside cus the tile would get dirty quick but nobody really cared cus they weren’t the ones who cleaned. as i took more of my grandma’s responsibilities i realized just how physically taxing maintaining cleanliness is. i have joint pain and can’t really do anything without complaining abt pain lol so seeing everyone dirty the floor after i just mopped was so aggravating. i get insecure to this day because i feel like my parents def did not care to teach me cleanly habits. whether it be hygiene or how to literally clean my surroundings, i wasn’t taught too much about it. patience is so important because i took some time to actually learn the skills i have today. nobody is clean 24/7 and i don’t like when people try to act like we should try to remain pristine and tidy all day every day. it differs from person to person and all we can do is promote actual healthy habits that don’t make us feel like maids in our own homes.
@@kaheivi I feel this. I have sciatica so cleaning is pretty taxing on me as well, especially anything that requires me to be bent over to scrub. And I feel this because like, I didn’t know anything about anything with regard to cleaning. I didn’t realize that every single part of your home should be cleaned at least once a year. I know at the last place I lived with my mom, she didn’t get her security deposit back. But one thing I remember is, we never once cleaned the oven or drip trays. Ever. After living there for over a decade. Never cleaned the baseboards. Never scrubbed the walls. Never moved out the oven or fridge to scrub the sides of those appliances or even sweep the floor behind those areas. And my mom had no clue why we couldn’t get our deposit back. It was the longest we had ever lived in one apartment either so I don’t think she realized the magnitude of the mess we left behind because we didn’t know how to clean it up properly. I think she was likely taught at one point, but it had been so long since then and she never maintained a standard of cleanliness so things were DIRTY dirty. I suspect that some places we were evicted from due to her lack of basic hygiene skills. It’s not something that’s innate at all!
I appreciate this comment! I am not a man (I'm NB), but my last serious relationship fell apart after my partner got frustrated with my cleaning issues to the point that it escalated to verbal abuse. Now I have MORE trauma around cleaning! So I definitely agree with you that many people see it as a moral issue with men without necessarily considering why someone is having trouble. My ex also considered it a moral issue, but his verbal and emotional abuse left me in a state of constant exhaustion and anxiety which made it even harder to do what he asked of me.
I wrote a long comment myself too, but I thoroughly enjoyed reading this one! I agree that you should try to work things out with your partner first before dumping them. Granted, if they don't take well to it and start getting upset and don't start cleaning and 4 weeks go by and things are the same, I'd consider leaving at that point (well, I'd be leaving, others are free to do as they please).
I've had partners that were filthy, that I have left, but I try to use those situations to propel me to bring up cleanliness from the beginning of a relationship so it's not just something that comes up a month or two in as a huge problem.
Your early childhood story reminds me of a friend I had in elementary school who also lived in the not most sanitary place and I remember one time on the bus she showed me and a few others a cockroach that was in her lunch box and I think she got into trouble for it but looking back was it not a little concerning? Like the school cared more about the cockroach instead of WHY there was a cockroach there, I also remember everyone would make fun of her because she smelled bad and no one wanted to hang out with her but I didn’t care she was such a fun and sweet friend and I myself came from a kind of neglectful home so I was not one to judge anyone at all, none of her situation was her fault we were like 8 years old and it made me upset when other kids would make fun of her because they just didn’t understand
A lot of people don’t realise that there’s a big difference between messy and dirty
Seriously though, how does this distinction help? Do you think that the people whose spaces are "dirty" would do better if they just felt more ashamed of them? I'm not sure that's really how any of this works. It's not that people don't downplay how bad things are, often, but I don't think it's a lack of awareness. It's this idea that "dirty" is irredeemable and immoral while "messy" is normal or a little quirky.
I think it's helpful to people who feel like cleaning is this massive mountain that is unapproachable. Or who constantly feel like it's not enough, even if things are clean. It allows for a distinction between safety issues (towards which we typically have biological disgust response to keep us safe) and everything else (shame which we have been indoctrinated to feel but which isn't helpful or reasonable). Basically I think this distinction can bring the bar way down for what is enough. Since most of us are not living with like level 8 hording disorder I think this distinction can be helpful. Conversely having a baseline of priorities is important too: breathing teeth takes priority over making the bed, for example.
Mess in the way does make it so much more difficult to actually clean.
Big agree! Learning the difference helped with the overwhelm. Choosing my battles as a disabled person is important for my sanity. As long as my environment is safe & healthy, then tidying is like sprinkles on top :D
@@Nassifeh Messy is something you can pick up. A few clothes on the floor, but you can still see the floor. Dirty is something you need to put time and effort into cleaning up.
I'm not making my bed everytime I get up in the morning or putting my body products away every night. I still sweep my floor and pick up here and there so my room doesn't become a huge pigsty, though.
Messy is a little. Dirty is a lot.
Sorry if that makes me too "quirky" or "normal".
My ex's father hasn't had a real steady job for 30 years. His mother has been the breadwinner his entire life. For some reason his father still believes that the mother is responsible for cleaning. You best believe when my ex started pulling that shit I said no way in hell am I going to end up like you're bitter ass mom, so we got a divorce 😂
Indeed🎉🎉
Im sorry but homes soaked in cat pee and other mysterious liquids should not be normalized. Unorganized and messy at times is fine but that is just a disgusting biohazard and shouldn’t be excused
The fact that you say "shouldn't be excused" shows that you think bad mental health is just people being lazy.
You have no idea how lucky you are so maybe you should shut up.
Destigmatising the mental health issues that lead to that isn't the same as normalising it
I grew up in a house like that and it was traumatizing. Insect infestations including fleas, bottoms of my socks always black, constant breathing issues (that magically disappeared when I moved out), got told I smelled bad as a kid because parents smoked indoors pack-a-day style and my clothes were always covered in animal hair so i got bullied for it, everything dirty all the time, cat piss and shit all over the floor left for months or years (they had a designated shitting room), embarrassed of house, couldn't have friends over, etc. It absolutely is child abuse. Seriously an entire empty bedroom was just cat shit wall to wall. To this day I can't adopt a pet because of the trauma, it was like living in a nightmare. For a child it's horrifying and inescapable. My dad had a tank of fish and one day he just stopped caring for them so they all died and he left the dead fish in the tank until the water all evaporated and there were just algae covered fish skeletons there for years. Hoarding issues, bugs, rotten food, etc. I was sick all the time and didn't have friends because of the home issues.
And this is a joke to these cleantok creators? They are going to do this to their kids on purpose?
Thank u
if it gets to that point there’s usually something deeper going on
as a girl raised with a Clean Dad ™ (who also worked from home my entire childhood) - your husband is going to be such a great model for your daughter. he may not have given me any of his neatness genes, but he gave me such a good blueprint for what a man can and should aspire to be. happy pre-first father's day, mr tiffanyferg💜
My gf and i both have levels of trauma attached to cleaning, and after living together for almost a decade we've made the compromise of mess vs filth cleaning. There's literally always clutter and mess in the house, there's no way around it. Items never stay put away, clean dishes will sit on the counter until we use them or need space and put them away, the bathroom counter is never visible, etc.....
But the filth is always priority. Dirty dishes are at the very least rinsed before they go in the sink so they don't mold. The shower is cleaned regularly. Litter boxes need cleaning every other day at minimum. Floors need to be swept every other day or so.
Finding this kind of compromise was a must for us, because we never have the energy to clean the whole house in a day, and we can't expect each other to have that energy. Coming to terms with messes while still keeping the house "clean" has been a process, and I'd encourage anyone who struggles with cleaning to give it a try.
Let’s not shame kids who grew up in this mess though. So many people judge the kids as much as the adults.
How to Keep House While Drowning has been really helpful for me.
Same! Resetting vs cleaning is really helping me work on my mindset
It looks interesting! I'll check it out.
@@caramazzola2399 I listened to the audiobook, and she's really understanding. I've had problems with cleaning my whole life despite my dad trying to browbeat me into better habits. This hasn't FIXED me or anything, but it's sort of changed the way I look at my living space a bit, which has been really helpful. I made a few small changes which have made me feel better. Hoping I can continue to do better, but think I won't get so down on myself if I fall back a bit. Might listen again if I need the pump up.
So yeah, as someone who's audhd/disabled and who genuinely struggles with consistently maintaining a clean environment and consistent good hygiene even. The messy content creators make me really uncomfortable, and i'm talking specifically about the ones who seemingly glorify their chaotic lifestyles. Same with the like (typically) white celebrities who pronounce with their whole chest that they don't bathe by choice. I desperately want a clean environment and want keep my person clean. It's not a choice for me to live in mess. And the small part of me that maybe wanted to have a kid someday will always be a bit sad because I know I cannot in good conscience have one. When my executive functioning fails I can barely get myself to work in one piece or even feed myself. I could never subject a child to that. And it sucks because in other areas I think I would be a great mom but keeping a clean and safe home is imperative for the best interest of a child. But honestly the biggest thing that irks me about people who are proudly messy is that I fear it just fuels others to be more judgemental towards people like me. More than anything, I just want people to have empathy for those who genuinely struggle and these tiktoks/videos aren't helping.
this comment hits home, sending you so much love 🫶🏼
as someone with audhd and also used to struggle with basic hygiene and cleanliness, what helped me out the most is building a routine. i started with a couple of steps, usually eating, washing my face, and brushing my teeth. at night i would take a shower and brush my teeth and wash my face in the shower. over time, i’ve slowly built up the amount of things i do and now i don’t feel like a human unless i do them. i’m updated on my medication daily for the first time in the about eight years i’ve been taking medicine. i’m washing myself and putting on deodorant consistently which i was unable to remember before. i also have a stripped down version of my morning and night routine, which is helpful when i don’t have the energy to do the full thing but doing a little bit helps me feel so much better. i also like to watch videos in the morning and listen to music and sing in the shower, it distracts me from thinking about the tasks im doing and it gives me somewhat of a body double which helps a lot. these might not work for you like they did for me, but i figure its a method that could help other people like me if it works for me.
I didn’t have a friend over to my house until I was 16 and even then the first time she spent the night I was so uncomfortable of her seeing the inside of my home we camped out in the backyard. she was also the first person to tell me she wanted to come over to MY house. she even moved in with my family when she was having problems with her it really did make me feel better about my living situation. Even tho our house was a mess she was more comfortable with my family then her own. it made me realize they’re people out there that do not care about the surface level things and will still care about you even if you do have a messy house or room. And that people will even help you clean up the mess. my friends and I tend to help each other with chores when we go over to each others houses now.
I had to move in with a friend during high school too and her family’s house was incredibly messy, especially compared to my parents’, but her family actually cared about people and their house was such a loving, communal environment that I didn’t care about the mess. People definitely matter far more than cleanliness
I’ll be honest, as someone with adhd who lived in a house with no set chores, I absolutely suck at and hate cleaning. It didn’t help that cleaning my room was basically framed as a punishment and getting help from my dad lead to him just shaming me for all the things i had and pressuring me to get rid of them (I always stood firm in keeping a lot of stuff because my default mindset was have it and not need it than need it and not have it). I also cannot retain verbal instructions if it isn’t reinforced and the way cleaning was done I would go months without doing a certain task so the next time I had to do it I was starting from scratch basically. I think society needs to be more forgiving to people and not judge cleanliness as morality. Not everyone has had the same upbringing so what’s simple for you is not for everyone.
Are you me?
My dad would say he'd start throwing my stuff out the window if I didn't clean up. I'm not sure how parents don't realize instilling fear does not work.
Not me getting this notification rigth as I am valiantly cleaning my kitchen on a Saturday night after internet content making me want to be a 'FLY' woman
So relatable
😂😅❤
Hi- internet elder here. Is fly an acronym or is it meant the way I think it is ? (I am 32 lol)
It’s for the fly lady cleaning method
Omg, my mom was a fan of Fly Lady. It reminds me of my adolescent years with the "27 fling boogie" and cleaning zones. 20 years later, she realizes she has adhd (even officially diagnosed), and I learned Fly Lady helped her a lot with keeping the house organized.
My mom is somewhat of a hoarder. Growing up, “clean the kitchen” meant “move mom’s piles of paper to the far end of the counter and clean everything else.” Now, living with roommates, I have a really hard time cleaning the common spaces because I don’t know where to put their stuff. I know I shouldn’t leave it on the counter, nor do I want to, but if I don’t know where else it’s supposed to go (and my roommates aren’t available to ask/take care of it themselves), I just pile it up as neatly as I can on the far end of the counter like I’m used to, but it never feels like I’ve actually done enough. On the other end, though, I was always taught to rinse off my dishes before the food residue had a chance to dry and get stuck to the plate, and my roommates weren’t, so I always end up having to rewash half the stuff in the dishwasher every time I empty it
Your comment brings me back to my college days. I was raised with Saturday morning chores and used to a pretty clean house. Living with roommates was sometimes tough because we didn’t necessarily have the same standards of cleanliness. I remember tidying the living room, vacuuming, dusting, etc once and I gathered up items that belonged to a roommate and put them in a nice pile in her room, thinking I was a doing a nice thing for her. She was so offended because she interpreted me moving her things as calling her messy.
I have ideas for you.
Concidering stuff on the counter, you can try to put it all in some container, like bascket or box, and live it to its owners to decide where to put it. It will look cleaner and won't be an additional work for you. Just let them know before you start to do it.
And about the dishwasher. Actually, you are not supposed to rinse your dishes before putting it to the dishwasher, just to remove big bits of food. The other day, mine cleaned to the perfection glass baking dish, which spent 5 days in a fridge with charred cheese on, and this is how it is supposed to be. There is three great wideos about dishwashers on the RUclips channel "Technology Connections", the shortest one has tips and tricks for how to make your dishwasher perform best it could and other two have more in depth explanations. Please check them out if you have at least some time, they are really great and helpful.
And if you don't, there might be two easy fixable problems, that lead to not clean enough dishes. First - bad loading: plates that stand so close water can barely reach between them, bowls sitting on the side and not tilted and so on. And fixing it before starting dishwasher is faster and easier, than manually washing it afterwards.
Second - lack of dishwasher upkeep. If there are bigger bits of food in your dishwasher, they may clog holes in water propellers, and that lowers the quality of cleaning dramatically. The most effective way to clean them is just to pluck out clogging stuff with tweezers. The best time to do it is right after unloading dishwasher. It's the cleanest in cycle and clogging bits pushed out by water pressure, so it's easy to pluck them out. You may need few rounds before there is nothing stuck, if nobody was doing it before. You also can clean your dishwasher with those special little bottles of cleaner, it helps too, but works way better after cleaning propeller manually.
I am clearly very passionate about dishwashers xD info in part about them comes from years of experience in upkeep of a hostel dishwasher. It was just usual home grade machine, but it worked 2 to 5 times a day everyday. Sometimes loads were cleaned shitty and if they laid correctly it was the time for tweezers.
But seriously, there probably is a way to make you dishwasher clean dishes properly, so there is no need to wash them manually.
O, and if you have dishwasher with filter in the bottom, checking it and cleaning might help. But it is the nastiest part of the machine
I definitely agree that it would be a good idea to assign each housemate their own basket for stuff that gets left in the common areas
That way everyone's stuff is safe and out of the way but they can decide where it ultimately lives
Lots of stuff to talk about. When being around people who talk about cleaning all the time, I realized that there is a certain level of dirt that I'm comfortable living with for the sake of not constantly cleaning and focusing on hobbies instead.
I'm in my 20s and still living with my parents. We have way too much stuff for our place so things are frequently messy because people just keep moving them around if they have no set place. But it's mostly clean enough, except for some spots that seem beyond saving. Which is frustrating to me because my parents let it get to that point before I was old enough to care and now that I do care, I feel kinda powerless because I'm the only one who cares but it's not technically my apartment. A week ago I spent like 2 hours scrubbing the window frames in my room and they're still disgusting on the inside. It's probably the same in all the other rooms but I don't have the energy to dedicate to this when the other people living here don't even seem bothered by it.
And I do wish my parents didn't let me off the hook with chores when I was younger because I also don't know how to do a lot of stuff or it takes me forever
are you me? i also grew up in a messy, cluttered apartment, and nobody but me seemed to care. i was never taught how to do most chores, but now that i don't live at home anymore, i am getting better at it. every time i visit my family, i just keep reminding myself that it is not really my space anymore, and there is no use wasting energy on trying to change their ways. i hope you can get out of that situation soon!
I really love that you've mentioned there's a certain level of dirt you're comfortable with to not be just constantly cleaning. I grew up in a house where it kind of did feel like we were constantly cleaning. Every speck on the floor, the baseboards, dusting, etc. It's freeing to know that I can not constantly clean and still live in a reasonably tidy living environment.
Wow I’m in the same situation. I care that things get messy, but didn’t have to clean much growing up so I’m not great at it. My parents end up cleaning because they are better and faster at it, so I don’t improve or become more comfortable in the role.
The leaf blowing the car thing made genuinely LOL. My husband does the same thing and its actually pretty effective honestly. He does follow it up with vacuuming but still
Yes and power washing they just enjoy using the tools
This is such an interesting topic. I was raised in a house that was always very clean and tidy because my mom loved to keep it that way, and she actually taught me how to view doing chores as a fun, relaxing activity. After moving out and sharing an apartment with other roommates, I was shocked to see that many of the things that were second nature to me didn't even cross the minds of other people. I really struggled with having to be the only one to clean, and even now that I have a roommate who cleans more than the others, I still catch myself being critical of them and not understanding how they can let things reach a certain point before they decide to clean. It does help to understand that not everybody was raised the way I was and that something that looks fun to me might be really difficult for others.
Love all your points except for one - vacuuming the couch is so effective! I've used my Dyson to vacuum our husky's insane amount of fur off the couch for years now and it works for me
We have a border collie and vacuuming is the only possible way to clean the couch, because of the amount of dog hair.
I watch Amanduuhhh and I LOVE her. She's the first cleaning account that I felt was real. She made me feel seen as someone with depression and ADHD who's space doesn't always look the best. And watching her come out of that and create habits that you can see the progress of in her videos have been so inspiring to me
To me we should normalize houses looking lived in. We SHOULD NOT normalize dirty dishes with mold/4 day old food residue on them, leaving trash/dirty dishes all over the house,
Theres a difference between a messy/disorganized house vs. Dirty, biohazard living conditions 😵💫
Yeah those things are dangerous and unhealthy. If people are getting to those points they need intervention. There should be like a community support group or something to help people who are struggling to that extent
@chattychatotchannel like it blows my MIND when I hear people have 3 kids ages from 6-12 and they don't help around the house? They're all old enough to clean their own rooms, clean dishes and picking up after themselves. Maintaining a home is a group effort!
I agree. I live in a house with air quality problems. Which means if I don't dust, vacuum, or ensure the mold is taken care of, my health will suffer. I'm giving myself compassion for being imperfect (due to disability and mental health, which aren't my fault) while also recognizing I need to improve for the sake of my health. It's not a choice, I need to do it. Cleaning is self-care. So there's nuance here.
Agree. People can be messy but still keep a good hygiene. I have ADHD and post partum depression. I have tonnes of books on my work desk but never leave dirty plates at random places. I also deep clean my bedroom and toilet every week.
When she said her daughter should be cleaning more and not her husband I had to take a breather that's actually just insane
I saw a study about how differently men and women see cleaning/taking care of the home. Basically, men only "see" the mess when it's no longer bearable. They ignore it before, but when it becomes impossible to live in (and ignore), they enter into crisis management mode. But women have more of a preventative mode, they don't let the mess become unbearable. So while men "prefer" cleaning for hours on end, women will do little things everyday to take care of the home (open the windows to ventilate so the house doesn't build mold and humidity, tidy as they move, do the dishes before you run out, etc). Therefore, when you ask the man to contribute, you're hit by "I don't think it's that bad", "tell me what to do", etc. What this means is, even with well-meaning men, the mental load still falls on the women.
However, this is not to say it's an innate quality. Women and men are not born with their brains wired that way. Women can be just as messy/dirty as men. My mother, for example, is a total slob - which drives me insane because I really like things to be neat and organized (the irony is how she harped on me for years because I supposedly didn't clean well, and now that it's up to her standards, she does her damn best to undo everything I've done in the following hour...)
Its very weird the line we are walking between physical and mental health being unable to clean or obtain this perfect clean home and then the obsession of over cleaning our spaces. I'm disabled and have a difficult time doing basic chores so my house is clean but cluttered. But I get hyper focused on cleaning when family or friends come visit. Like I will injure myself making sure my house is spotless for guests. And neither side of that should be glamorized. Let us live in our homes without shame.
I have complex PTSD, ADHD and im a single mom with a spicy 2 year old. We also have 6 people living in a 3 bedroom house plus a 100 piund pit that my ex left behind and a german sheppard that i bought for my son who has psychosis. We mop every day. If i don't, it looks like the floor hasnt been cleaned in 6 months. Im not over exaggerating. Most days just living takes all my energy. I am fighting to not slip into an anxiety freeze mode or a depressive flashback. Sometimes i just cant clean. I will want to clean but my executive functioning is so messed up. It's really horrible. I have learned to have compassion for myself and not tie my worthiness to cleanliness.
Great video Tiffany! The "husband eyes" think sounds quite like weaponized incompetence to me...
I grew up in a messy and kind of dirty house. I do my best to keep my own house tidy and clean. I am lucky and privileged that I’m able to afford help from a professional cleaner twice a month. I’d give up so many other expenses before I’d give up her help.
i grew up and still live in a hoarder home and it kills me as i’ve developed the cleanly habits my parents haven’t. my parents would always harp on how embarrassingly messy my room was when theirs was borderline unlivable. i like to take extra precautions now but seeing them live in such a horrible situation is disheartening. a couple months ago they found black mold growing all over their walls behind furniture and they couldn’t be bothered to immediately clean it. the room had always been a little musty for lack of a better term and very humid so i wasn’t that surprised but it was worse than i thought. being told to maintain cleanliness by people who don’t even practice half of what they tell you makes you question what is actually normal.
Midwest magic cleaning mentioned!! :D
one of my fav channels!! I've watched countless hours of those videos
@@tiffanyfergI love him he's great!!
i'm addicted to his videos
I have a major depression home, especially since the cleaning never stops and when it gets really bad it’s a lot of work. You have to get it all done in one go or else you still feel overwhelmed but there’s never a day where the mess isn’t added unless no one is at home. I wish people were more understanding of mental illness and cleanliness cause as much as others are upset about it we are also upset about it but usually ruminating about it to no end
yeah I was abused into cleaning as a kid and my girlfriend was basically raised in a hoarder house and it has caused some massive points of contention between us but it's a process. I constantly have to remind her what/how to do stuff and that she didn't learn as a kid so she has to learn now. I understand what she's going through but man, as somebody who was abused into cleaning as a kid/teen now being the only one that cleans... *sigh* it's a process
Same 😭 I try to buy my in-laws things that can be used up (like candles/food) but I still feel guilty even contributing in that way to my SO's parents (who were the hoarders in my situation)
FINALLY some good food on my subscriptions page!!!!!
a saturday snack!!
The performance of untidiness on socal media is wild to me. I have the ADHD and so does my mum. She brought me up with the idea of cleaning for other people - especially family who lived outside our city. We always did hours of cleaning before they visited - and we didn’t live in a dirty house! Just one that had people in it. But that means the idea of showing other people a messy, dirty house horrifies me, even if thats only through posting on social media. As for me as an adult... I actually really appreciate how Mum raised me. I don't feel guilty for not having a pristine environment on the day-to-day, but if someone is coming over, I spend a lot of time cleaning, which means my place never gets too filthy.
Its not the king visiting i use to say😅😅😅
Tiffany I know you will probably not see this but I have to tell you how much I love your channel and format. It itches the scratch in my brain that wants to know about niche topics, all being told to me by a kind host.
I find it interesting how cleaning trauma is passed down. like my grandparents were extremely clean and my mom was messy as a result because cleaning was such a task and had to be done perfectly. I grew up in a messy household and I was messy as a child but now I am very clean because of how much I hated growing up in a mess. if I ever have kids ill have to try to find a balance so that they dont grow up hating cleaning and become messy because I was too clean hahaha.
New to the topic but: Joey’s videos are kinda neat ways to get the same job done. I have chronic pain so washing the walls or vacuuming the couch are really good solutions to quickly clean with less effort.
Vacuuming a couch is pretty normal where i from, gets it so clean so quick!
Won’t lie y’all… out of desperation after months of trying to stay on top of cleaning the couches of pet fur, I too vacuumed my couch cushions… and it worked too well. I’m in too deep. I’ve been vacuuming my couch for months now.
(If you do this, I suggest also cleaning/disinfecting your vacuum regularly or investing in upholstery cleaners too. Idk, I still can’t get over the idea of floor meeting couch and it makes me feel better.)
HAHAHA I think I tried it once and some dirt from the tracks just marked my couch. I will not attempt again but should prob clean the underside of the vacuum lmao
That’s why I ended up getting a vacuum where I can detach the hose and put on a brush attachment for the couch. Especially since we have pets. They’re not allowed on the furniture but…shedding 😒
Is vacuuming the couch not normal? Lots of dust, snack crumbs and hair gets stuck under there so we always to vacuumed it regularly. If you eat snacks on the couch I recommend it. Edit: I reread the comment, our vacuum has hose attachment for cleaning spaces. In my apartment I have one with a detachable bottom. This prevents floor dirt from getting on the fabric and makes it easier to get into small spaces.
@@tiffanyferg Tip: When you vacuum the couch you aren’t supposed to use the bottom of the vacuum. Like the part that has floor contact. You either: use a vacuum with a hose and a different brush attachment, use a vacuum where the bottom detaches so it becomes smaller or use like just another small vacuum. This will avoid transferring dirt from the vacuum wheels onto the couch.
I really feel bad for Amanda Rose. My family has been close to being there for most of my life. My mom and I have clinical depression, my dad and I both have ADHD and autism and just... If any one of us was lower functioning than we are, we *would* be there. She's doing all of that on her own and is probably dealing with executive function issues on top of that, yet from what I've seen she's still trying. It's so hard to make a dent in a mess that big, even harder when you're the only one doing it. What she deserves above all is help.
Agreed
I used to be the only one cleaning in my house and at some point i just gave up
As someone with many invisible disabilities and who was raised by someone with OCD so I never learned growing up to "tidy" I'm anxious to see your opinions. I often find myself ashamed of how bad I let things get. My mom grew up with both parents hoarding and my mom had ocd overcompensating. I never learned to tidy because there was never allowed to be any mess ever. And I'm trying my best to not become like her parents. Having cleaned the hoarder house with my mom when they passed, I don't want it to get that bad but its hard.
The comments section is already making me sad. Can we please consider how many of these messy living situations might be due to people with disabilities who do not have the support to help them function whether that be through medication, therapies or support workers and how shaming them only makes things worse?
Like with hoarding situations there’s often times a serious underlying psychological issue or things build up with depression or adhd. Or their house might not be accessible like they may have mobility issues that make taking out trash hard.
I don’t think people would let things get so bad if something is not seriously wrong. It’s not okay to live in such a state where there’s hoarding and biohazard. But they need help not to be ostracised and humiliated and jeered at.
There should be more support for people especially low income and disabled individuals to reclaim their lives and help get their house better which doesn’t involve shaming them and is instead kind and compassionate
Also watching this video the Amanda woman is awful yuck talking about her daughter in such a way how cruel
I don’t see anyone ostracizing people with these issues, just commenting that they can have a detrimental impact no matter the cause. I do see a certain strain of thought online that turns something like executive dysfunction into a personality quirk or “difference” to be respected and I think that can be problematic, even as we acknowledge they are tied to behavioral health matters.
@@pisceanbeauty2503oh yeah they are detrimental and I don’t like the rhetoric that it’s just a quirk. A disability is just that, a disability. As someone with autism (diagnosed lvl 2 asd) I’ve been infuriated with people going like it’s a ‘different ability’ and trying to ignore the struggles that come with disability and the huge impact they have on someone’s life. They’re not a quirk
Thank you. I clicked this video bc I thought it would be sympathetic and I'm already afraid to finish it and read some of the comments
I work 50 hours a week in a physically exhausting job and my husband doesnt (hes working on his degree) and we still both clean as much as we can. We dont measure it exactly, we both just do as much as we can to make life easier for the other, but I would say its about 50/50.
Guys who use "work" as an excuse to not do many chores are just lazy.
The creator shown at 11:30 is actually an old friend, and she doesn't post cleaning content. She makes big messes as part of her content, but it's not how she or her kids live. The mess is part of the fun, and then it's cleaned up. It's definitely got an aspect of rage baiting, but I'm not sure it's quite the same topic as "filthy house" cleaning content.
My mom thought me and my brothers to clean the house with her and help her since we were little, so we all grew up to have clean environments always, not in an extreme way, but joyful for us. I love having my house clean and things organized, makes me feel relaxed.
I just discovered other people didn't vacuum their couches... IDK why I do it? My mother did it? It vacuums the stuff that might be on the couch??? How else would you clean a couch?
I think it's the method. He was using the floor attachment to vacuum the couch where most people use the upholstery attachment. I have pets and need to vacuum my couch 2x a week and that's probably typical for most pet owners.
I think the floor attachment was the problem. I vacuum the couch too but I use a brush attachment that’s for like upholstery.
@@thefrugalcrafteryes
That bit about that guy’s wife who might clean before she films because she knows she’ll be judged differently…FACTS. For the husbands who don’t really do much around the house, people need to stop asking why doesn’t he HELP, and start asking why doesn’t he CONTRIBUTE. They both f-ing live there. If she was sick or injured (or pregnant 😉) that’s different. But you contribute to the household you live in. That verbiage perpetuates the idea that the woman should be doing all the household chores and if her husband helps in any way he is a hero for doing regular sh#t. Helping comes from outside. Like visitors who might help with something but aren’t expected to contribute because they’re not part of the household. Ok, rant over. Congratulations on your little daughter!
I was raised with absolutely no cleaning chores, with parents that refused to clean up after themselves and didn't teach me a single thing about cleaning. I've been having to teach myself how to clean for the entirity of my adult life while fighting against undiagnosed depression and ADHD and frankly, it's exhausting.
Thankfully I have a partner now that was raised on the opposite side of the chore spectrum and he's taught me so much about how to clean stuff and how to tell if it needs cleaning and is the most patient person on the planet when it comes to my forgetting to vacuum.
haha, I'm like your partner in my current relationship. we both have adhd, but I'm more hyperactive and they're more inattentive, so they deal with a lot more executive dysfunction than I do and is on meds for it, whereas I have to be on antianxiety meds and basically hamster wheel myself everyday so I can function like a normal person (total opposites lol, its no energy vs too much energy). My partners parents are lovely but their dads house is so disgusting--legit every time I go there I am cleaning mold out of the bathroom or weeding poison ivy out of the yard or throwing out expired food or whatever, and its clear that my partner and their bother were never made to clean and do chores for free consntly like my siblings and I were. It bothers me so much that my partner just doesn't seem to notice the mess or is just like "oh haha whatever" which is probably why they're not the best at cleaning. my partner is getting there tho, so long as I remind them when things need a cleaning and sit with them while they do so and just overall be as kind and supportive as I can :).
Amanda Rose's home has improved so much! Now a days it's just normal messy, not moldy or whatever. Sure had terrible depression and is now on meds.
yeah when i first came across her content i was actually very irritated but as i watched her develop better habits and put her foot down when it comes to her and her partner’s relationship i really do feel like she’s accomplished a lot. her support system was seemingly lacking and i just hope that the success she’s seeing is a wake up call.
Tiffany's baby bump makes me smile each time. Congratulations again! 💝
aw thank you!!
11:52 at some point that child is going to see her moms TikTok’s and will hear how her mom speaks about her and as someone who’s parents both used abusive language towards me growing up, it can really take a toll on your self image and worth. Also considering that’s how she talks about her child online I can only imagine what she does in person.
The worst thing imo is when people are like “doesn’t it bother you?”
Yes. It bothers me. Yes. It does. But feeling worse about that isn’t making the situation better. In fact, it’s making it seem like an even more insurmountable task.
omg yes. it one thing to be overwhelmed with the mess and the dirtiness but then to also feel like defined by it like you are being this horrible person does not help. people dont get that you might want to clean up but cant because of neurodivergence/physical disability and feeling anxious about the mess does not help. i wish others were more compassionate about stuff being dirty. like yes i know its not good but its not like im actively wanting it to be dirty.
My brother past away in september and I have very severe crohns disease. I live in a 625 square foot apartment and it used to be completely spotless before my brother passed. After he passed away I let it get really bad because I was in a terrible depression and due to the stress of the situation my crohns was really bad. Now I want to clean my apartment so bad but I never feel good enough. It's hard to clean an apartment when you are throwing up all day.
At certain points of my life I always got the weekly cleaning done and did my yearly spring cleaning to a satisfactory level for me, but after 2016, my mental health did a nose dive, I developed chronic pain, then finally when my chronic pain was fixed with surgery, I got pregnant with twins, and now I’m 4 months postpartum. I feel like I’ve been out of my cleaning groove for years and I don’t know what I’m going to do when I get back to work. My partner has ADHD, is generally more messy than me but not horrible and plans to be the stay at home parent when I go back to work. As a teacher, I’m off for the summer but my job os super demanding and I just wait for our house to turn to shit as I get more entrenched in the school demands. So glad you have a helpful partner who can take on the bulk of the work hopefully!
Four months after twins you have to give yourself so much grace! I bet your mojo will suddenly hit again
I've been following you for at least three years, if not longer, and I want to say this:
Creators like you keep me on this platform. Recently, RUclips has given me the impression that they intend to make people dumber and waste their time. They keep pushing very empty videos on my homepage. I'm glad I have notifications turned on, or I might never have seen your videos, which is weird.
English is my second language, and I always love hearing you talk. It improves my listening skills, adds to my vocabulary, and teaches me how to argue and put thoughts together. I'm not that young, by the way-I'm almost 30.
Anyway, I just wanted to express my love for you and your content.
I'm fine with a bit of mess, as daily living creates messes anyway. But I draw the line when certain smells seem to be "stained" in clothes or items or when it affects children or innocent animals (ie. mold). Whether that's in person or online, I just can't. With friends, I'll just visit for a short while and I don't watch creators who do this stuff.
I just subscribed and what I absolutely love about you and your videos is that yes you bring the point of the problem such as overconsumption and in this case feeling guilty that you’re not cleaning or cleaning too much and not spending enough time with your kids. So you’re not just acknowledging the problem but you’re bringing a solution and weather that works for everyone or not it’s definitely refreshing to see that side of honesty you don’t get from most people. I always feel horrible when I see clean tok and all the super clean houses I can’t achieve and the gadgets I can’t afford but that’s not the case for the majority of us and it’s extremely difficult with postpartum depression anxiety mental and physical illness and disabilities there’s so many reasons people including myself can’t clean our home the way some can but I don’t feel horrible about not having those things when I know what’s more important are the memories I make with my kids the involvement I give them while cleaning or cooking we have fun they’re learning and we’re making the best of what we have and to me that’s all that matters even though I would enjoy a clean organized house it’s not going to consume me into jealousy and depression… anyway thank you for your content it’s very enlightening and encouraging and always comforting to know there are people who recognize the reason behind the judgment behind our own home and lifestyle choices
2:54 I hate to say it but you said it crosses from relatable to actually gross and I agree that is gross but that was me about 2 years ago. I clean everyday now regular household stuff because I'm a stay at home mom and the house stays clean 99% of the time but about two three years ago I was pregnant and was doing just fineeeee up until I hit about the 5th or 6th month of that pregnancy and I somehow developed a thyroid disease, I didn't know it at first because I didn't know what a thyroid even was, but I knew I was chronically fatigued and gained so much weight out of the blue and had a huge golf ball sized lump right where my thyroid is (goiter), and I was so exhausted everyday I could hardly even get out of bed each day and my house ended up looking and being exactly like that woman's in the video. I'm not even ashamed to say it because that disease hit me like a million tons of bricks. I used to get up at 7-8am each day and never even need naps and did fun activities with my kids, and then that happened to me and I just could not handle it, and I'm better now, still struggling with symptoms but better in my routines and I fight through the fatigue to cook and clean for my family. But yeah that type of really gross disgusting mess is very relatable to people like me who were going through very hard times. And I'm not even mad that she posted the video to show it because it's just the truth. I pray she can get the help she needs to get through whatever she's going through and can start to feel good about cleaning and keeping it clean.
It's counterintuitive, but I think it's important to consider that when you see an actually hoarded house, I'd argue that the odds of that person being lazy are actually lower than average. Laziness will get you to a certain 'level' of clutter, beyond which it ends up being more trouble than it's 'worth' if it's purely about doing as little work as possible. This increases tenfold once you get to a level where you're too worried about being judged* to have people come over and fix broken utilities or appliances. Like, think about how much harder it is to do something as simple as making pasta, if not only do you first you have to hunt down the needed supplies in a kitchen that looks like a page from one of those I Spy books, but then your kitchen sink isn't working and you're scared to have a plumber come inside to fix it, so everything has to be hauled to and from the bathroom and you're trying to wash pots and pans in a tiny little sink that wasn't designed for that. No 'regular' lazy person without some underlying illness or disorder is going to let things get bad enough that everyday tasks turn into time-consuming Easter egg hunts and obstacle courses.
*(or that someone who doesn't understand that it's a disorder will be notified, try to solve the problem with threats and hard deadlines, and give you an impossibly short period of time to get through years of hoarded stuff without any outside support, be it mental or logistical)
Wait, vacuuming the couch is considered weird? I do this periodically to get up any crumbs or pet furs that our couch covers missed, though I use the hose rather than lifting the whole vacuum onto the couch.
I am also the messy one out of my husband and I, so can relate! I also am happy that my husband genuinely enjoys doing the dishes and mowing the lawn since these are chores I don't enjoy as much. We hosted Thanksgiving last year and he was a rockstar cleaning the house that week since he gets home from work earlier. Whereas my previous job was only four days a week so I felt it was fair for me to take care of some cleaning and errands on my day off since I had the extra time. I agree, this should be the standard rather than the exception!
My relationship to cleaning is just bizarre, tbh. Like, for one thing, I have ADHD. Severe, disabling ADHD, absolutely cannot function without the highest dose of meds on the market (some people do get prescribed more but it's sort of off-label). So firstly I have thirty years of shame around not being literally able to clean when I want a clean environment because my brain cannot figure out how to initiate the process. Secondly, my mom is lowkey a hoarder and my dad was an alcoholic, so no one ever taught me to clean things if it wasn't a specific chore I was supposed to do, so I made it to college only knowing how to clean dishes and laundry. The bathroom? I kind of hadn't even realized there was cleaning to do in there other than throwing out empty shampoo bottles. I could use a plunger and was approximately aware toilet brushes existed but I think I thought they were for like, big specific messes. Thank god for my college roommates who chose to believe that I simply had no idea what they were talking about and generously walked me through the process, instead of rolling their eyes and saying "stop lying" as most people around me had. They also broke the process down into chunks for me when they saw me struggling, like one time someone sprayed all the surfaces for me and I just had to wipe them all down. This left me with the actual harder/more work-intensive part of the task, but took all the mental load off me when they knew I couldn't handle it. Forever grateful to those girls, and sorry I didn't realize what a gift they were at the time.
I truly hate the extreme judgment of cleanliness online. It’s always the woman expected to be clean. When we all live different lives and I think we should have more empathy surrounding this topic.
ngl one of the most isolating thing about my worst depressive period was my inability to clean up after myself. I didn't tidy, I left rubbish around my bed because I couldn't get out of it, I left food and plates to rot, etc. but the shame around my inability to do such basic tasks and the very obvious visual consequences meant I refused to let anyone into my flat, especially my room. My friends and family knew something was wrong, but I just couldn't let them see how bad it was because it was frankly disgusting. I didn't want to force them to deal with it. My sister was a lifesaver. She basically forced her way in and started living with me to make sure the flat was clean and I was eating. It was humiliating but so necessary to recover.
I wouldn't say that sort of thing should be normalised as it's a massive sign of poor mental health, but avoiding shame and ridicule around it is so important to get people to accept help when it's needed.
How did you make it?? It's really, really bad here, I would die of shame.I had this problems some time ago, my family saw and helped, but now it's sooo bad. I have a son, as long as he was little I could do it for him, but now the depression is soo bad..I saved money to hire extreme cleaners, I plan on calling them tomorrow and the leave because the neighbours will see all of it and I can't come back then. I don't know I'm happy it ends but afraid to call the people but I have to.I'm such a failure..sry for dumping this on you, but it's really really bad and I can't tell anyone
@@projektraumschiff7402 You're really not a failure. Hiring cleaners is a good thing if you can! That's awesome :D A lot of people hire cleaners regardless and you're giving them work to do. They'll appreciate the job opportunity on top of getting to help you out
@@projektraumschiff7402 It's going to feel bad at first, it really does, but it's worth it just to get your head up above water. It'll get easier
@@Sootielove thank you so much for taking the time to answer! I'm sorry, but I'm alone,all is crumbling down.but I try to get help tomorrow with all consequences. I won't die it's just hard.to know of people who got through it helps..
I've been watching amanda's videos from when she started cleaning and i assure you: it's gotten a lot better. back then, she had severe post partum depression and it was very, very obvious, and her partner just wouldn't help bc "he was working", so she probably just never got the help she needed. thankfully, it seems she's been getting better and a lot has come out (she got her partner to finally help her with house chores after she threw him out) and it just helps to see that getting better isn't linear or always good. i get that she rage baits, but i honestly feel for her bc from her videos, she seems like a person who needed help and couldn't get it, and now it's been getting back at her (ie, her daughter not knowing how to clean), which is something i wish i never have to go through, so yeah, amanda deserves the world
Is that not the girl who called her daughter a bitch?
i have a lot of guilt of my own house. bc i would clean it and then it seems like i just blinked once and everything is in utter chaos-- then that makes me avoid everything before deep cleaning again. the cycle continues. i was raised in a messy/dirty house that put all of the expectations of the women clean while my brothers and dad never or VERY RARELY did work around the house... definitely why i still hate cleaning to this day.
Same. I dread cleaning, especially doing the dishes, because I have been doing it since I was a tween. Once I was old enough to be trusted with handling fragile plates/cups, I was always tasked with doing the dishes. I don't blame my mom because she had a whole house to run, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't resent the fact that it was just us women/girls (dad was the only man in the family) that cleaned. My dad won't even bother to carry his dishes to the sink, he just leaves them on the dining table.
I'm grateful that I now live with my husband who has no problem helping out around the house, but he also came from a family where the majority of cleaning was done by his mother and sister, so he constantly has to be asked to do it, he doesn't just clean/tidy up on his own volition. I remember the first time I stayed over at my in-laws and noticed how my MIL and SIL were constantly up doing things around the house and in the kitchen while my husband and his brother were mostly just lazing about. They were only really useful for quick errand runs outside the house. It's also why I made it a point early on in our marriage to get him involved in doing housework so I won't end up bitter and tired like my mother, plus we both work full-time jobs so I do need help around the house. He won't do the dirty chores like scrubbing the toilet or deep cleaning the kitchen, but at least I can now delegate a lot of the dishwashing to him, and he likes to vacuum so I'll take whatever help he's willing to offer.
I’m 8 months pregnant, first time. Very eager to see my baby girl!!
Anyway, something I didn’t anticipate was that no matter how helpful my husband is (whether in verbal reassurance or literally doing chores) I feel shame for not keeping my house in tip-top shape. Even though my body is literally transforming its entire essence to create a new human.
Literally just woke up from a 5hr nap to wash some dishes, only to sit down from breathlessness😅
Thank you for this 🙏 Cleaning is so difficult for me. I feel stupid and have always felt stupid for having such a hard time doing something "easy" like cleaning my house. Even after studying how to clean correctly and cleaning with ADHD, there is SO much shame from still being a "beginner" at cleaning.
Tiffany, they got you in the vlogging dungeon! LOL!
Honestly, I had a roommate who had ocd and was a clean freak (not a bad thing. She was actually an awesome person). However, the apartment never felt lived in and gave me such an empty feeling. It was too perfect, too clean, too copy paste from an ikea magazine.
As a mentally disabled person I understand sometimes it just hurts too badly to move. I can't stand spotless clean because I need the clutter lived in feel. I'm not that bad, but I need pain medication just to clean. Less a minute washing dishes would make me in so much pain all I can do is lay down and take pain pills, muscles relaxant. My life is depressing and after a few repeated attempts of suicide. I think unless you think it is a health or safety problem keep it to yourself you don't know what our situation is like
as an autistic person with limited mobility i rly get this and i hope you find motivation when you can. it fkn sucks not being able to enjoy normal outings due to physical impairments and on top of that not even be able to complete basic tasks at home due to the same thing. some days are shit but some days aren’t and that’s enough motivation for me.
@@kaheiviindeed
also grew up without designated chores in a cluttered house. credit going off to a residential high school for developing all the cleaning habits I have now. We had designated chores for the common area that rotated each week and had to have our room inspected prior to going home for any long weekend. It wasn't so rigorous as say a military situation, but they wanted up to have things put away, carpet vacuumed and bathroom clean prior to leaving for break. Fast forward 15 years and I still can't go out of town without making sure the house has minimal visible mess.
I love this shade of green with this shade of blonde hair!!
thank you!!
Haven’t watched one of your videos in a while and was shook hearing that you have a baby on the way! Congratulations
"normalizing" the mess (in my eyes) is not about saying it *should* be like this, but the fact people struggle with this kinda stuff needs to be talked about without hate or disgust for them to feel comfortable getting help
the fact we're at a point we don't help each other in situations like this is scary to me
100%, just understanding that certain neurodivergences/disabilities can make it hard picking up after yourself and taking care of yourself and not feeling ashamed about it. if we as a society was better we wouldnt see it as a bad thing but more of a sign that someone needs extra help and care and be able to give it to them
As someone with quite some mental health problems, I find it really hard to keep up with daily tasks. Since I really want children later in life, I use this as a motivation to work hard on myself through therapy. I believe a certain baseline of cleanliness and organisation is crucial for children, and that that's the adults' responsibility.
I really appreciate how you touch upon the fact some people never learned how to do basic household tasks. My mother used to shame us for being sloppy and lazy when we were young. It took me years before I realized how twisted that was since she (and our dad) was the one who was supposed to teach us.
20:10 “internalized it that way?” The government gives a private entity, CPS, permission to arrest your children indefinitely if the home is dirty. These concerns are not soft, internalized expectations: they are about the harshest level of negative consequence our society has to offer.
I have contamination OCD and so I have a hard time deep cleaning because it's so many germs and I have to clean so specifically also I have a lot of anxiety about what is clean enough and what isn't. There have been times where my room has been like a hazard which I am working very hard to stop happening. So I understand the stress of cleaning. But I work very hard to make sure the spaces I share with other people are cleaned when other people are home because as a child I was taught that thats what's respectful and respect was a very important part of my upbringing so I hold it in high regard. I feel like normal level of mess like toys everywhere and a bit of dust in shared spaces is perfectly fine no one is gonna have a perfectly cleaned house 24/7 that is impossible. But if you find yourself constantly with hazards such as mold in public spaces then you need to sit down and come up with a system. For example, my roommate and I noticed our trash kept piling up on the floor and we couldn't figure out what to do. So we realized an easy solve was just more trash cans. We now have 8 trash cans of different sizes in different places our room and its less of a problem now with no extra effort exerted from us. Especially if you have children you need to figure it out. Do you need diaper genies everywhere? Would that help? Mop or vacuum easily available in every room? Do you just need therapy or a cleaning lady? There's no rules its just what works for you
As someone that is very picky with tidiness and cleanness, these videos make me anxious. I hope they get the proper help to have a cleaner house.
I really appreciate how you highlighted misogyny throughtout this trent. I would also like to add, the nuance around childhood experiences, and trauma that also may inform belief systems around cleaning. I thought this video was very well done and thought provoking.
Leaving comment because I don't know if I'll be able to finish watching this one (baggage with cleaning)
Ok.. now I KNOW i had been subbed.... So where did you GOOO..?! The only good thing.. is now i get to binge everything I've missed. ❤
oh, my house will go from clean to dirty in less than an hour. I mean, just the process of getting kids up and to school means dishes, spills, bathroom mess, clothing mess. I can wake up to a clean house and come home from dropping off the kids to more than an hours worth of cleaning. And that's if my son doesn't have a meltdown.
My house is messy, my sink sometimes has stinky accidental plant residue in it from my fishtanks or house plants, and sometimes we miss food in the sink or in the car. But if something is gross or stinky, if we find it we freaking get rid of it immediately. We might leave empty dishes out, because they are fine and clean ish, (cereal/ice cream bowls the milk/sugar will dry) but if there's even a tiny bit of actual food left in a container, we either toss or put in the fridge.
The worst, smelliest mess we had was when i forgot some hair algae i had put in the dark to die so i could keep the cleaner snails.. 😂🤮 It was.. revolting.
I love Amanda. she's doing so well right now and her partner is also helping more, plus she's actually doing the decluttering that's gonna help keep stuff easier to keep clean. her home looks really good now. plus she's doing free cleans for people in hoarding situations or with other health issues
so true, seems to me like tiffany didn't do proper job researching her