Making yourself your top priority after Narcissistic Abuse (And a Special Announcement!)
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- Опубликовано: 28 сен 2024
- NEW! Online course for Recovery from narcissistic abuse.
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Today's video discusses the process of shifting from making your narcissistic abuser top priority to making yourself your to priority.
I also introduce my new online course on Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse.
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At the ripe age of 60, I finally learned to take care of myself. I want to tell everybody in this blog to please not wait that long. It will never change, trust me. In my case, my mother became worst. I retired 12 years ago from the service, and because I didn't have children, I cameback home. Big big mistake. Please do not stick around. Go take care of yourselves.
I came back to the "nothing" house too. I could only define myself as her echo. finally, I am a me, myself and I deciding daily to be good, kind, loving and reject the behavior of those who choose to be cruel, mean, sadistic, uncaring, unloving and mentally immature. we can grow up our adult brains:) my parents never matured, so sad.
I'm 55 and my parents are trying to manipulate me to move back , always talking about others who are have their children around. Knowing what I know now, I would go nuts or constantly dissociate to avoid going nuts. Plus, they have savings, I don't. I'm going to visit and I feel my anxiety already increasing. So good that you can now have some peace in your life ☺️
I'm trying to learn but I'm age 60 too!
@@goldieh7121 ahhhhhh yes, the money, the safety. 1st they ruined your ability to support yourself by crippling you with emotional violence. now, they want to lure you back probably to beat you again. if it is them or homelessness, probably go home. I try to obey Jesus and remind myself of his love...he told us to forgive them because they know not what they do. the older I get, the more I realize how very unhappy these cruel, evil doers are and how utterly lost they are in their darkness. they want you to surrender to evil. I hope you dont.
@@rascallyrabbit Thanks! Thankfully, I'm doing okay financially. My parents are altruistic narcissists. They helped me some when I went through my divorce and started a small service business. But, soon after they loaned me some money, they said they would only help me out more if I moved back to their state. They help so many friends and family out, but then want the control and adoration that comes with it. They want to be seen as the most altruistic of all their friends and family. If you don't show enough appreciation, they will attempt to shun you.
You only have one shot in this life to be loved unconditionally and to work so hard your whole life thinking you will eventually get a taste of it, only to find out that it will never happen, is devastating to say the least. I want to hate my parents but then they are wounded children too so I feel bad for them because I know how much it hurts. I know the answer is to reparent myself and give myself that love now, but it's incredibly difficult. It's a horrible grieving process.
Yes...
God is my bio parent. My earthly parents were just vessels to get me here
I myself don’t agree with the idea of reparenting oneself. I don’t accept that it’s even a thing. It may be giving already traumatized people false hope about it’s efficacy. I advocate the strategy of “managing” one’s trauma as effectively as humanly possible, not calling that strategy *reparenting*so much. This is working for me, at least, so much as is possible.
The entire first 50 years of my life was spent thinking that if I could fix her, she’d finally love me. This video is very validating
Heard that.
Wow, you are shedding light on things I have NEVER heard anywhere else. The way you described the mental gymnastics we go through to feel we are even worth putting ourselves as a priority makes so much sense!! It describes exactly how I still feel. I have to matter to someone ELSE before I can matter to myself. Thank you! Very excited about your course too!!
Omg! Thank you from the bottom of my heart- for all of these videos. I just found your channel & know it is am answer to my prayers. I am so ready to heal from a family dynamic & 15 year marriage. I'm just a shell at this point & cant ever have more than a few days of a positive mood.
Thanks again Jay! I have been finding that the best way to stop a shame spiral, the need to explain myself in my head or the obsessive negative thoughts, is to tell myself I'm so so sorry that I went through what I did and ask myself what I'm feeling. I then patiently listen to myself describe how in feeling and what I am needing in that moment.
Thanks. I think I’ll try that.
@@christar9527 I still have to keep reminding myself I need to do that. But, it does bring my focus back to me and thinking about what I want and not what others are thinking about me. Hope it helps ☺️
This is exactly what I have been struggling with in this recovery lol this is so difficult, even when I take action to "just love myself", it feels like i have to love myself first then I can love myself lol it sounds crazy but these few days I have been struggling with this where I have to do something for myself first then I can love myself because if I don't do something first then I won't be able to know I deserve to love myself... It's still the same pattern but it is an improvement of "do something for someone then I can do something for me", it's now become "do something for me then I can do something for me" lol always having this "this, then, this". Always about proving. Why can't I just "live"??
I feel stuck and uninspired even in trying to love myself enough to no longer live like this. But when I just be myself, I feel like I don't even have a self as if I don't know how to live life when I am just myself. And I cannot make my life happen, not the goals I want to achieve, not my dreams. I feel too tired to do things for me even I know it's good for me and I will be happy for doing those things for me. I have to feel good enough first then I can move forward but it is very hard.
When I have a goal, I have to go through the process of "okay I have to give myself something first, so that I know that I love myself, then I can do this", but this rarely works and I feel mostly exhausted by having to push myself to live for myself. This is dreadful.
Thank you for your videos. I hope I can soon learn how to no longer live this way like an exhausted zombie. I don't feel I love myself. Everytime I am active, I feel alive and I love myself for it. But then I get tired and I then feel like I no longer love myself. I want to break out of this so much like there is no tomorrow.
Mr.Reid I’ve done a lot of self development over the years to try and unlearn beliefs and perceptions from childhood. I’ve done everything under the rainbow to heal from narcissistic parents and a brother.
What you said about making sure other peoples needs are met before you feel it’s okay to meet your own deeply resonated with me. That was the final piece of information I needed to finally move on and self prioritize in a healthy manner.
The pattern no longer has to repeat itself.
Thank you for all your work sir.
Fantastic work. No time to take the course now but i hope to later. This is part of the great healing work of our time: generations of past abuse or dysfunction, which this generation can finally heal. Bless you for soldiering forward.
At any other stage of my life, I would have objected to even the title of this video then turned it off. But in my seventies, having endured a lifetime of abuse I finally understand what you are saying. I have a longtime relationship which I now understand is harmful to me. When she visited recently, I interacted with her for at most ten minutes, then for the first time realized how toxic she is. I asked her to leave. I have made my little house in the woods a peaceful place, but she had introduced her toxicity. When she refused to leave, I alas did everything wrong - yelled at her then slammed the door so hard, the wood shook! Then she left, shouting at me over her shoulder. It took several days for my emotions to attain any equilibrium, but that relationship is finally over. Now I truly do understand what you, Doctor Reid, are saying. Thank you, for the hundredth time.
Thank you Jay!
I will for sure take this. Thanks Jay.
I just bought your course and began to see the first videos very good and clear information you have a very insightful and human way to explain narcissistic abuse thanks
Thank you ❤️
Very very good points in this video! I particularly appreciate how acknowledgement of the grief and loss of not having been the priority can enrich one's future relationships and give room for more authenticity. I had a bell go off at that point! Very easy to just say the right words and paper over that part of it, and really never give yourself the space and permission to be sad about it! Thank you for the videos and congrats on launching the new course!
Really like your stuff and it really helps
Thank you for an incredibly validating and supportive message. I can relate to everything you said .
Thank you🙏🏼 🌊🎇
Thank you for making these videos. You are making a difference in my life
How can I spot narcissistic parents? Is it an indication if being beaten with a belt at only 3 years old , or yelled at and blamed and called names, constantly being compared to others, critisized because of weight, not being good enough.... I developed eating disorders and am now 34 and still in therapy and have a lot of scars visibke once and on my soul.... I still blame myself for everything, I could have avoided a lot of things but it has only gotten worse. Now I’m old and broken literally so miserable.
Be kind to yourself
You have always deserved better than the projections of your abusers who hate themselves. You are not what they say you are, but they want you to believe it, because that is what they feel toward themselves. It's an illusion. Set yourself free. Wishing you healing in your own love and light.
This was my life too. It's all projection and is their delusional reality that they want you to live in. Don't. If I can be so bold, go No Contact. I did over 2 years ago, it was very painful at first, but my life is 100% better and I handed it all back to them as my gift to them. This continues into late adulthood, does not get better and all the family and family friends will be brainwashed to believe you are the bad one. The only solution is to get away from them. I hope this helps. Bless.
@Kiki Kiki . I think it’s the language used to describe a particular type of abusive persons in intimate relationships. Parents or partners who do these horrid things and are not “out of their minds” and many professionals would argue and dispute the term narcissistic, however here I believe it’s phenomenally helpful and Jay describes what happens to the sufferer, the target person. And how the abuser felt entitled to do as they did. Jay as a therapist, a fellow human being, a man is affirming for all persons who have suffered this type of abuse and to know this is not your fault. They, the abusers are in the wrong. So if the hat fits… what you describe is outright child abuse. Also a very helpful, short RUclips clip is Deborah Lee about trauma and self compassion. She explains about being hurt and harmed. I can also say that not all therapists work or engage or provide vital psycho- education at the same level. That’s the diplomatic description, based on my own experience. There’s a light inside us all, some call it spirit or essence. That’s what is helping bring us here so we can benefit from Jay’s wisdom, integrity as generosity. Kiki Kiki. You’re not broken, you’re very wounded and now in a healing space. Healing does not move forward like linear time, it’s messy business. So hang in there. Also for any woman with experience of partner abuse. “Steps to Freedom” by Don Hennessy. From years of “study” of numerous authors and RUclips videos, these are the two that I would point to and essentially what brought me to Jay Reid and being able to hear his message. Thank you Jay. Thank you everyone for your sharing. 🙏
Narcissists attack the very core of your being, of your selfhood.
Narcissistic parents can be recognised by the way they fail to recognise and respect their child’s individuality and autonomy, as well as their boundaries (including emotional and physical).
What a tremendous video and I esp liked the last minute or so wow that’s it.
How do I prioritize myself in a relationship? Wouldn't that make me selfish? Is it give and take, so one day I get priority and the next day my partner? What about raising a child? Shouldn't the child be the priority? I have no idea how to prioritize myself without feeling selfish and egocentric. What is a healthy balanced way to prioritize oneself?
Hi Jay, do you think I could use my FSA card to pay for your course?
My altruistic narcissist mother did something in her interests, pretended it was in my interests and on top of that loaded me with a lot of guilt for being such a burden to her. My basic needs were depicted as selfishness, ungratefulness and she was such a martyr for enduring me.
So, strategy "I will be my first priority after I become someone's else priority" was not available - if I become someone's priority, I have to experience so much guilt and torture for not praising her sacrifice enough.
And she pretended she felt like a burden and you need to convince her that she is not a burden. That full time job of providing constant narc supply is not a burden at all. But basic needs of her child were such a burden and she was such a hero and martyr. So child had to endure her abuse, but at the same time ensure her that she is not an abuser. Anything that reminded her about her abuse, for example doing her errands without joy and praise, was met with rage and guilt tripping.
I ended up with tremendous amount of guilt for just my existence.
For me, the idea of caring for the inner child (rather than directing toward adult self first) is helpful because it feels like an "other" and seems to circumvent the hardwiring that caring for the self first is a bad thing. Over time, that practice becomes the realization that the self and the inner child are both benefitting and it's easier to direct to the adult/self without thought. Not an expert here, but my experience doing this has been super positive.
I have found the same to be true for me.
Same.
I have found that it helps me see my innocence and an innocent child most certainly doesn't deserve bad treatment. It really helps put things in perspective. It also helps me to see the promise in that child, myself and I want to give that child all of their dreams and all they deserve in life. Connecting to my inner child has actually helped me get back in touch with myself and uncover myself. I am here and always have been. That child is me.
@@sarahwaling1562 I love this, thank you for your words!
I can completely relate and empathize with your experience ❣️👌
Your saying that we “the victims “ had to please our Narcissist parents to SURVIVE gave me another feather in my wings! Now to learn this is tricky I fall fast into people pleasing very easily!
Maybe we will always be givers, but now we can discern to whom it would be appreciated and not taken for granted.
Yes. Our natural response in stress is to fawn, no freeze, fight or flight but become serving and submissive.
Very Dear Jay, you are always so tight on target, it's just like you were there in my childhood, listening to my thoughts! How healing it is to have your deep understanding & kind teaching. I am so very, very grateful. You have been a godsend. 🧡🧡🧡🧡
Right on the money once again. I was never my mother's priority. My dad, my sisters, my grandmother, the Church and vodka were all way ahead of me. I was taught that I had to earn her love, and she was always raising the bar so I never deserved to be loved in her book no matter what I did. Yesterday when I was at the beach waiting to be seated for lunch I my friend and I were talking to a woman with her baby and her 1 year old. She and her husband were so loving and so present with their children. I thought to myself "I have no reference point for this. This type of loving for a child is something I never experienced." Thank you Jay for putting it so concisely. As an adult I was always seeking someone else to give me love & approval in order to be okay before I could relax and be myself in both personal and professional relationships. As a result I was in a lot of abusive relationships, couldn't close the deal on a job that I wanted or would get fired after someone railroaded me. You really get the nuances of being a survivor of narcissistic abuse. I appreciate your sharing insight with us.
Sterling advice. Please younger people value yourself and your worth. Don't waste time, energy and emotional effort waiting for a self absorbed, immature person to change. Take of yourselves everyone. Thank you Dr Jay for another wonderful video.
And that "i will be the priority, once i become someones else's priority." plays out in your own relationships. It teaches you to be an approval seeker with partners. And the only ppl who find that attractive are narcissists bc they can take advantage of that.
Any healthy person you come in contact with and you try to seek approval with, will be seen as suspect. They'll wonder "why are they kissing my butt, do they not like themselves?"
This was excellent. I've been developing a 'me, first' mindset over the past few years, and I love it. I'm sure I experienced a lot of guilt at first (I don't clearly remember anymore!) but now I find it a real delight to care for myself, and I also prefer to be around people who take care of themselves--although it seems to me self-caring people are a rare breed! I noticed a dozen years ago or so, after reading about the five love languages, that we want from others what we are unwilling to give to ourselves. It isn't that we don't need expressions of love from others, but what comes from the outside can never be enough for an adult.
! You have a course out now! I am so excited about this!! This is going to be so immensely helpful for me. I can't wait to take it.
I knew I needed to watch this because I was horrified at the idea of making myself my own priority!
I want to take your class next month when my schedule allows me to focus on it. I have been very impressed with your insights on NPD parents thus far. Thank you for making it available.
This is a great video! I wonder about one thing though... the stage of emotional development when the child is (hopefully) able to get all their needs met by a loving caregiver is an important part of learning to trust and rely on others. If I missed this stage of development and want to skip ahead to self reliance without ever experiencing the nurturing of my dependence, will I ever be able to trust others? How could I ever trust the parents that failed me? Will I be able to develop the belief that the world is a hospitable place for me? Will I develop faith that others will help meet my needs when I go through tragedies and devastating times? Will I be doomed to be self reliant and independent forever? I dont see how that could be the natural state for a human.
Sidenote: is this why people develop faith in God? To fulfill this dependency need with an entity that will never fail?
I suffer for not prioritaising myself,never have done and find it very difficult to do it, although I'm always trying.
Yay! I’m loving all of these videos. What amazing advice! Finally someone who explains this so well.
Very exciting news, Jay! I know you will help a lot of people!
This explains a lot..i have never felt like anyone's top priority 🤔
Very insightful Thanks for sharing 👍🏼
Yes. This course sounds very helpful.
Congratulations to us for your course!!!!
All day today I practiced “having myself be the top priority” and I felt so safe! Watching this video I had the deep realization I’m still looking for someone to make me their top priority but since that’s not fully practical now as an adult, this video gave me the “permission” to make myself the priority and all day I feel a deeper safety than I usually do. Thank you so much for this video!
It really is a great strategy.
Congratulations on the course!!! So exciting!!!
This is how I felt since I recall my first memories. I am 55 and feel sometimes, though, some undeserved waste of a life. I shift my perspective as soon as I can, after some grieving and compassionate approach - it hurts, and no justice has been made but in order to move on and not remain stuck but liberate myself - that's the only way I could find. I was feeling unuseful and unused even, 25 years ago , without purpose, if my mother mainly, didn't come first. I had to cope afterwards with the sense of rejection and abandonment, still do, is going much better. I deserve the World and all of its beauty and goodness! Like everyone in this community ❤!
❤ Thank you for your videos!
What a profound video! How are you all prioritizing yourselves?
Now I understand why making oneself the top priority is not selfish at all when balanced with being considerate and kind to others. The extreme opposite of doing so is taking dangerous to your life risks in order to show off to others while pretending to be kind while being addicted to getting attention and money from others obtained in dishonest ways.
It really can be a domino effect of missteps.
You are awesome sir. Thank you your videos help me a lot 😊
Glad to hear that
What I sometimes do is literally write with a Sharpie, on my arm, (camouflaged if possible) to make myself the priority , #1 concern - something like that so I will see it repeatedly through the day. This is usually what it takes for me to do it and it honestly has been useful in my case.
Thank you.
💛
I have a constant devalued feeling and i am always angry from no privacy and peace of mind. Self abandonment to the point of loss of self.
I come to these videos to find relief and reality i never had before knowing it was as bad as i thought and told that it wasnt that bad.
Congratulations Jay,
I bet the course is amazing you have such unique content in healing this specific trauma.