You are safe in this community, Tom. Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel calm and content and do not let shitty societal indoctrination get to You.kisses
Parents rarely evolve, so #1 is out. That would require them able to admit they were "wrong". People don't like to admit they are wrong. I reconciled with my parents because my spouse died and a therapist suggested it might be a good time to reconcile. I did. It was a mistake. My parents were worse than ever, dumber than ever.
yes it's so hard to be that one crab crawling out of the bucket when everyone else wants to drag you back into it, and not having a support system in case shit goes wrong is very difficult in our current economic system, or finding a sympathetic ear. To people who are following their hearts, it is not easy, and I am so proud of you for going for what's true to you.
@JennyGao I love want you wrote. Your analogy is spot on! Thank you for saying you are proud of those of us for following our path to healing and good mental health. Blessings to you.
"Its because their parents were not loving them properly. People dont really break away from people who are loving them properly." I needed to hear that Daniel. On this day when Im doubting wether Im the crazy one or not and wether im reading too much into it all. Thank you.
The biggest weight off my shoulders was when I realized I didn't have to forgive my parents. I only tried to because I was clinging to my indoctrinated faith, and trying to forgive sexual abuse made me feel violated all over again. Forgiveness is an ability and some things don't deserve forgiveness at all and it's not required to heal.
@Astro Yes. You'd have to spend your time building and reinforcing boundaries just to have these people try and break them when you're in a weak moment. Who wants that?
What a horrible way to prevent someone from healing, forcing the to depend on the ones who harmed them... I went no contact with some of my family and my only wish now, even if I don't have much hope for them, is we go our own ways, heal from our family traumas, and become better human beings.
So many of us are in therapy because of the people in our life who won’t go to therapy. I think I became a therapist in the hopes of somehow understanding the madness I grew up in. The maturity trap is so real. Those that are labeled as such have just learned to compartmentalize, repress and push on. Sad
I dont know if ill ever reconcile with my parents after I leave them. They caused me so much pain and misery by being lousy parents. I had to learn everything on my own. All they cared about was that I went on the path they wanted.
I was and am a good parent to my son. I loved teaching him things such as cooking, house repair, welding, driving, math, spelling, juggling, camping, weight lifting, concrete finishing, etc. He is strong and independent now. I tell him I love him and am proud of him. I am sorry you have shitty parents. Try to focus on the value of having learned things on your own. It will never replace the bonding of good parents.
After my dad died when i was 9, (from a brain anurism, 39 years old, probably the result of dealing with experimental pesticides and herbicides as a grain farmer on the canadian prairies.), i do not remember much. in particular when we moved back into the farm house after living with grandma for 2 weeks after his passing. 4 years with no memories. Now 60 years old, i am more conscious of the fallout. When i think back to that little girl i was i feel so sad and so suddenly gutted. Even my back hurts. It is difficult to go there, but i am bascially forced to right now, as i become increasingly and consistently, conscious. Thanks Daniel for the opportunity to express this experience.
What you said about the therapist around 9 minutes - about parents going with you to therapy and this act being about re-ensnaring and bringing you back into the family's fog of denial... really resonated; This puts into words what I felt happened to me when I went to a psychologist for half a year, before I left. That psychologist would hear about how my Mum had thrown me out and threatened to call the police on me during the week, and she would then validate my feelings of indignation and hurt. But she'd then say it was because of how emotionally immature my Mum is... and say we clearly had a lot of friction and some big communication problems and that we should go to see her together again - instead of: This is really not OK - Protect yourself and get the hell away from this person.
In my opinion we reconcile because we grow to maturity and our parents revert to a childish state of being. For some this may incite compassion and for some total disgust.
Maybe "revert" isn't the perfect word, but they can definitely decline and become even less able to own or mask their worst impulses. Much has been written about dementia making resentments emerge into vile verbal abuse. Even without major cognitive decline my mother's personality disorder has become even more obvious and disconnected from reality.
My brother is struggling a lot with depression and my mom confides in me often that my brother and I "inherited depression" from our dad, implying that it is a *strictly genetic/hereditary/biological thing from his side of the family. She says that because she doesn't have a problem with depression that it doesn't have anything to do with her. Both my parents think of depression as more to do with a physical chemical imbalance in the brain than largely due to trauma and neglect particularly in childhood.
I suffer from severe depression. I will be silently crying in bed while my parents complain about how lazy I am. Thanks for being so caring, dad and mom.
@@lynnmarieanderson1744 I am sorry. I hope you can get away sooner rather than later. Don't let them convince you that it's genetic and you're somehow defective. They're the broken ones
Let me guess: Your father tolerates emotional abuse from his wife and does nothing to protect their kids from her abuse. So she has the fantasy that her husband's depression and her son's depression are of their own making (i.e. biologically based).
The fundamental problem for many people is that some people in life will hurt and try to control you over and over again and reconciliation is just resigning yourself to more eventual hurt even if things are ok initially or for the most part, eventually they'll hurt you again and badly and you'll be angry with yourself for letting it happen. I think that when that's a possibility letting bygones be bygones is not really possible.
Exactly. Don't expect a scorpion not to bite. You'll be responsible for your own demise. Hope that forgiveness feels real good as you're dropping down to the bottom of that river. Your forgiveness sure ain't gonna fill your lungs with oxygen and save your life. Kiss bye bye to your own life. Because forgiveness cult.
There are other reasons. The one that comes up is actually the longing after a parent. Because bad parents are very rarely bad all the time. They did some good too and then the feeling of closeness, of love , of being taken care of- can cause a deep sense of longing.
This is an excellent point! Absolutely the longing can sometimes threaten our newly-found ability to see reality, at last. It's really really just so fraught, isnt it.
Daniel, I am going through so much pain right now as I navigate through life with very limited contact with my family and I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your insights. I connect with your energy and way of explaining things very well, and I am very grateful for you and your immense help. Sending you many blessings sir. Thank you.
Cindy D- feeling your pain, too. Hang in there. You’re not alone. Estrangement is still taboo and misunderstood. But for those of us who go that route do so out of utmost self preservation and to honor our own humanity and truth.
@@MsWing-ij9nb Yes, it is a compound injury; too much for a traumatized person to get their head around. But necessary to get your head around it. You are trying to save your own life by escaping. Outsiders see you as committing a taboo/social sin. They do not and cannot know what you have been through, yet they judge you. Knowing this might help some people who are trying to escape. The people who judge are merely upholding social norms. They are very fortunate to not know abnormal.
Spot on! In the last 17-years as a licensed counselor, I’ve reached almost the exact same conclusions. Not an easy path… getting real and reliving what we actually experienced when we were little, and sadly, when that doesn’t happen, it gets passed on to the next generation.
I tried and tried to be the bigger person and resume contact, only to feel worse and more misunderstood. My dad is fine to call me the problem, while he chose to ignore my now adult childrens’ existence. It took me 20 years to confront him with the truth, but I finally feel relieved not carrying his shame anymore.
Thank you for this video. I almost was going to allow some contact with family members recently, but fortunately I snapped out of it when I realised that there was a million reasons why it would be a bad idea. Oops!
Please be safe. I established contact two years ago and it ended with a broken jaw, multiple bruises on hands and thigh.... Always think, not allowing your emotions to take charge.
@@RockyAbduljabar Thank you for your comment, and I am so so sorry to hear of what happened to you, and hope that better days have come for you since. And no, I have no intention of having a relationship with them. I think I just got swept up and disassociated for a moment, but fortunately I did get out of that state before anything bad have happened - an important lesson. I blocked their numbers and am keeping to my plan of no contact.
@@RockyAbduljabar that is absolutely terrifying! I am so, so sorry that happened to you. 😢 please be safe and God bless you sweetheart. I do not miss all the rages and contempt coming at me. It may take me a long time to heal but I am on my way now and I hope you are too. 🙏🏽🦋🍀
It's incredibly hard as a parent of an adult child when you notice that you were abused and abusive yourself. So many people simply aren't aware of the damage they caused and wheh confronted with it react in very strange and scarey ways
It's hard. Going through that right now. Realizing the abuse I suffered and that I have myself been abusive towards my young son. It's terribly painful.
@@sonodiventataunalbero5576 agreed but your son is young and you can change. People get so angry about parents but I don't think they understand how I incredibly difficult it is ..
I, too, regressed and took all the blame, professing to be the problem child, joining in and fawning support of my scapegoat label just to stay included... Since nipping off their toxicity, I never want to go back. I don't have to forgive them until I'm ready, and I sure af don't want any more of their unsolicited, grade 6 level advice to replicate their miserable existences nor do I want to withstand their haughty, self-righteous judgement. May we continue to heal♡
Thank you for another spot-on analysis. Your videos are echoing exactly my healing journey at this time, am so grateful. It is amazing how fiercely stigmatized it is by society to relinquish the parental bond.
Maybe the damage I had was not as severe as some people in comments had, but there was no adult I could trust. When I was really scared of mother’s behavior or words she just said classics like “I didn’t do/say that” or “you’re too sensitive, it was not that bad”. I learned to trust her instead of myself. Now, remembering some of these situations I can’t believe she fooled and took advantage of a small child just not to be a “bad parent”. I went no contact and learn to trust myself step by step. But I will never trust this woman again, even if she really does self-work. Because she used my trust so many times, it just ran out forever.
First of all, I am very impressed with your speaking ability and talent. You are one of the VERY FEW people to speak for such lengths of time without EVER using any um’s or er’s between any of your words or sentences. You’re an AMAZING speaker! That said, I think I disagree with what you said about forgiveness. While I WAS angry for a long time for the physical & mental abuse directed towards my sibling and me while living under our parent’s roof, as time went on and I went on my way to college and then marriage, I realized that once I was on my own & out of the house, I began a very different relationship with my mom. One of friendship and coming to terms with the fact that her childhood was also one of abuse. She didn’t see it as abuse tho, and thought hitting and punishment were how you disciplined kids. She just repeated what she thought was proper discipline. I’m over the anger with her now as an adult. I recognized that she was only able to discipline us the way she saw discipline as a young child herself. What I am thankful for now, is that I learned how sad and hurtful that abuse felt as a young child and I chose NOT to ever do that with my 2 children. I’m also thankful or the fact that we went on to have a happy daughter/mother relationship through my married years and she was a good, caring & loving grandma to her grandkids. She isn’t around anymore...she passed in 2012. I’m happy I was able to work thru my pain issues and move on from my anger without regrets. We live in an imperfect world. People make mistakes. Sometimes, they’re terrible mistakes.They do things that they later wish they didn’t. I’m okay with moving on and forgiving. I remember the wonderful times we DID have together. I learned from her mistakes...learned that compassion and understanding was the route to go while raising my kids....and I feel all the better for it! My 2 boys are fantastic parents who also use compassion and understanding with their children. Not all traumas lead to an unhappy ending!
She didn't see it as abuse doesn't mean it was not abuse. And doesn't mean it was ok to do. Go steal a car, and when the cops show up, tell them you don't see it as stealing. See how that goes.
@@oompaloompa9139 Indeed! Intuitively I think one might know that something is wrong with "stealing" a car as, I believe, one should know intuitively that it is wrong to beat their children. The powers that be have "beaten" down the individual's natural capacity for intuitive understanding.
the key to all healing is to see ourselves as the bad guy. This is why people rarely do it. See, when people repress their pain, they eventually act it out on others. In order to heal from the initial pain, we need to go through the part where we hurt others.
There's a middle ground here: Move as far away as you possibly can. Left my NPD abusers on the East Coast and went to work in San Francisco, then jumped on a career opportunity and moved to Paris nearly 20 years ago. Today I just sent my dad a birthday card. Postmarked from France! Focus on your own education, independence and personal growth. The Atlantic Ocean is one hell of a safe boundary! LOL At last I can be coolly low contact without all the emotional turmoil, trauma, family sabotage, shaming, scapegoating and broken promises that marked my younger years when I depended on these people for survival.
Daniel, thank you for all your insights and wisdom that you have fought for in looking at the truth of your life. I think this video makes so many things clearer for children of abusive parents. I would like to suggest one more possibility for a reason or way to reconcile with parents based on my own experience with alcoholic parents and a narcissistic father. I too broke from my parents in my 20's and became even more of the black sheep in the family as a result. For 3 decades I worked to understand the impact of my family dynamic and heal myself using many of the approaches you mention in your videos and like you I am still learning and healing but now feel that I am in basic alignment with my true self most of the time. In my 50's my father wrote to me asking for forgiveness for any things he might have done that caused me pain. He did not know what he had done but this general acknowledgement of the possibility of causing me pain was something I never expected. And by this time in his life I saw that his progressive dementia was helping to strip him from his protective mask and reveal the little boy inside who had always been there but covered over. These two developments did not indicate FULL evolution of a true self on his part but they were enough of a change for me, from a position of more full evolution and self awareness to risk reconnection. And in reconnecting I found that my father did not want to double down or reinjure or deny. He did not ask for forgiveness. He simply wanted to be accepted and loved from a newly vulnerable place created in some degree from his mental decline, his inability to maintain his mask persona. I never forgave him in my own heart for his abuses and think there is no justification to forgive them. But I did reconcile with him within the limits of our ability to be real with each other. It was not made public to the rest of the family and I did it for myself only. I gave him the love he craved without forgiving the abuse. I did not tell him I would not forgive those abuses because he still did not realize for himself what they were. But by giving him love at the end of his life I felt that I was loving his small vulnerable child self and loving my own vulnerable child self at the same time. I was able to love both of the abused children in our dynamic. This was healing for me. I don't know whether you would call this a reconciliation but it seemed to be one for me and it still give me a sense of peace.
The prospect of devolving is terrifying and at the same time understandable. We're social creatures, wired to find security in numbers and approval from the tribe, and it's easy to underestimate how painful breaking away can be, especially early on.
This is important. Very good point. The thing for a person to consider is that fear can trick you. In this context, you perceive that your family is relatively safer than that which you don't know/have not experienced. But really, that is not a perception, but rather a false assessment - one which serves the disturbed family member who get supply out of abusing you. The pain of breaking away will be painful, but what you cannot see is that there is joy and freedom to be enjoyed. The fog will lift. Sometimes a person just has to take it on faith.
No, it's not easy to really consider these things, and to listen as you stretch consciousness over the many escape hatches for the abusive egos we all have. I was looking at myself this week and finding some egos that I had previously overlooked and shrugged about, but this time I was looking at them in their full ugly indifference to others, and had to admit that I had to do better. Healing is a very long passage. Thank you Daniel for your priceless insights.
I try to focus on self-healing rather than forgiveness in my own life. I tend to fall into reason #2 described in this video, where I devolve and go back to my parents. It's probably some kind of fixing or compulsive behavior in my own mind, because I keep going back to fix my parents, assumedly so they will spontaneously heal and then belatedly fix or parent me. This is ultimately an immature or devolved belief in my mind, because 1.) I'm going back looking to externally "trigger" healing in somebody else 2.) I'm still waiting to "get made right" by an incompetent parent/other rather than focusing on independent self-healing. I've had others suggest to me it is some form of narcissism in myself--that I am too attached to the "perfection" of myself as a product of my parents, and cannot let go of this fixation in my mind. This could be happening, but I tend to believe a fixation on one's identity as a product of an origin family would tend to be common. It would probably be more unusual for human individuals, regardless of origins, to feel naturally separated and independent in identity from their origin families. Children of toxic/dysfunctional parents tend to be in a bind, because in many ways they are required to undergo a full and total identity separation. I've had elder friends (baby boomers and older) tell me that this process might have even been a little easier several decades ago in America, when the social culture was more amenable to lower-income moving (it was easier for people to move without much money), and many cultural segments were more amenable to the identity separation of a younger adult from the origin family into an intermediary "collective" identity, even an apartment or flat shared with fellow young persons. I believe this concept of intermediary identity has lessened since around 1990, and I've known others who thought that intermediary identity was too risky--if the intermediary collective was toxic or dysfunctional, then the entrant struggled to heal almost as much as they did back at their origins. I always liked the idea of non-clinical group homes for dysfunctional young adults--not places for people under mental health labels or treatment, but just regular cooperative or shared housing for younger adults who independently struggle in the transition from their dysfunctional origin homes into their long-term adult healthy selves. I've heard of some coop houses in larger cities that kind of operate as places like this in a de facto sense, but it remains a surprisingly radical concept in most corners of America.
Do you have a series on "real world" traumas? The parent stuff is great, very helpful indeed, but I've always suspected my childhood traumas, while devastating weren't nearly as bad some other people's I have heard about, and how they were able to overcome it. I'm not talking about devastating stuff with outsiders (out of the family), as a child, I totally accept that nonsense and chucked it all in the garbage bin of life whenever it happened. I'm talking about everything that happens after childhood. I'm 44 now and still have never even talked to anybody. And the one person that seems to want to talk to me, I haven't contacted for 6 months. Why would I even want to talk to a married woman? Why would I talk to anybody at all? These are tough questions, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to answer.
As soon as I really made progress in therapy (I do realize this is a channel relatively critical of psychotherapy, lol), largely by recognizing how I was traumatized, I immediately recognized the way this trauma caused me to harm others. It took quite a while and doing some 12 step style amends to get beyond some of the guilt/shame. It’s hard for me to even imagine someone authentically and seriously addressing their issues and not making this connection.
Well said, Daniel. I hesitate to share my choice to go no contact with my toxic family in general -only with few select ppl in my life I trust and know care for me deeply- even if they don’t entirely understand my situation. But still empathize with what I went thru and don’t shame or make me doubt walking away from it.
If both parents are deceased, it is only reconciliation with one's inner self, especially if devestating memories surface after the passing. It isn't about forgiveness. It's about wholeness and healing.
I just would gratitude you on existing and for making this video. Because in the back of my mind I didn't stop living that day was the hope that people like you exist. You're a true warrior
I may be struggling to fight my way out of a traumatic past, but at least I can be proud of myself for breaking the cycle at least in terms of my lineage.
That very eye opening. I can see how that could apply to someone but with me it kind of the opposite. I'm discarded and abandoned by my mother and many of my relatives and when I try to talk with them they say I'm harassing them, especially my mother. She had a no contact order put on me. She's stolen a couple homes from me. It's a long story but I look like the bad guy and I've been neglected and abused by them my whole life.
Omg... I am so sorry you had to go through that. That is so incredibly unfair to steal from you on top of the abuse you experienced. It's not you it's them. I think deep down they have to know it's not right.
So why do you want to go back? They don't deserve to have you around. Live your life free. Accept that they will never be better and you just have to accept yourself and love yourself. Get to a point where you believe that you don't deserve to be abused. Then there will be no desire to be around them.
@@tinet7056 Oh yeah I don't deserve to be abused. I need to at least get back tangible material items they've stolen from me like a house and property, at least. I have virtually nothing. Living in poverty alone and abandoned in a cheap low income apartment on a very small disability. They, meanwhile have retired in the last ten years or so and live. In big new homes in luxury. I'm 53 now with nothing to look forward to. They're in their 70s. I'm a veteran. It's a long story and yeah they've been extremely Neglectful to me, most of my relatives especially mom. God bless you.
I am fortunate Reason #1 is happening....and me breaking from them, for at that time indefinitely, was for sure a part of that change in them (one more than the other). It is going well. I"m impressed with them. It is certainly not the path for everyone. Such an important topic. As Usual. Endless thanks for your clarity and voice Dan.
We do not need our parents to evolve in order to evolve ourselves. If you are still clinging to the notion that you need your parents to “evolve” for you to be happy, you are still a small child emotionally. You are not your parents, and they are not you. You are an adult, and you are the responsible one now. The love you need must come from you and from you alone.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. I hold a different opinion on your 2nd reason which I’d like to share if I may. In the thick of my process of resolving my own childhood traumas I distanced myself from my mum as she had a big part to play in the creation of those traumas. Your point on your parents having to own what they did in order for you to completely heal is not my experience. While that’s ideal, I have found full healing and forgiveness without this. For me, a big part of this is realising I had an expectation of what I wanted/needed her to be and accepting that not what I got, so letting go of that. I’m now in a point where she is in my life but with boundaries that I have created. I have decided that my own healing is not reliant on her healing which hasn’t really evolved. My healing is to forgive her anyway and to be as aware as possible of how not to re-traumatise myself or others. Thanks for your videos, they’re always very thought provoking! ❤️
The problem is some parents will carry on traumatising you or controlling you if you let them back in to your life. They may even act as sweet as pie 90% of the time but waiting for the shoe to drop for the other hurtful 10% is no way to live.
@@anz10 that’s so true. That’s why I just take her for what she is, and if she’s upsetting me I step away. I don’t expect her to be anything other than who she is and that makes all the difference for me. I can’t deny that there’s part of me that hopes she will evolve and meet me at a place where our connection can be more meaningful to me, I just don’t expect, nor do I need it. I actually think my mum thinks our relationship is fine, which is fine by me but if I had children I would want a much different relationship with them than I have with my own mum. ❤️
@@TJBear thank you, it’s so tricky to navigate and what works for one may not for another. The key for me is understanding reality vs expectation, and that I am open for reality to change but I don’t expect it or need it anymore. I am who I am and it is what it is ❤️
@@koolforkatss9155 i don't think he said your abusers have to own it, for you to heal. He said it's for forgiveness to happen. Forgiveness requires healing on both sides. But your own healing does not require forgiveness, or for them to "own". I think if the abuser decides to work on their own healing, it will lead to them owning what they did. That can lead to forgiveness. But you can work on your own healing regardless of what the abuser is up to. It's possible I'm recalling this wrong lol. I'll have to listen again. And again. Until it's clear as mud :)
@@oompaloompa9139 I agree with your sentiment but it’s when he introduces reason 2 as ‘you have devolved’ that doesn’t align with my experience to the point when I had to comment (when I don’t usually). I have really invested in my personal growth and when it comes to my childhood experiences my healing has 2 main focuses. For me they are forgiving even if I’m not going to get anything from the other person for it, and owning my part in why it was so hurtful which is mainly due to having an expectation of the other person and letting that go. Like you I think healing can take place independent of the other person but just because I forgive them it doesn’t mean I’ve devolved as Daniel put it in this video. in fact I would say the opposite! ❤️
pretty fascinating to watch this video and realize that many people have many different meanings to the word "forgiveness" ,so much so, that it makes me question if I even truly know what it means!😲🤯
I can understand everything you’re saying but there still is such a thing as forgiveness with no strings attached. I’ve done it and it’s extremely healing. A huge weight is lifted from your shoulders and it never ever comes back again not even for a fleeting second. You actually know deep down in your core when you’ve really forgiven someone, it’s hard to describe.
Thank you! So exactly true. The vicious circle must go on so that everybody can get their so-called forgiveness. PS: when it became clear that I would not have children (I had said so all along but had not been taken seriously) all hell broke lose: I was called lazy, irresponsible, not an adult and not a member of society by the very people who supposedly loved me unconditionally... But I stuck to my decision and so far: no regrets.
I think if you ended up having babies, they would still call you all those derogatory names. They would criticize your parenting style And you'd still be lazy.
I'm currently trying to reconcile with my previous therapist who abandoned me at a really rough time in life. It's been really difficult. It had a profound affect on me and has stayed with me for well over a year. Shortly after it happened, I met up with about a dozen different therapists and psychiatrists who only made the situation much worse. I ended up staying in an inpatient facility because of it. She meant a lot to me, I still care about her, so I believe trying to reconcile is the best thing to do, even if its hard. I don't see myself being able to heal any other way.
I am sorry to hear that you had this experience. If the therapist betrayed you does she really deserve to get to interact with you again? I have experienced many interpersonal betrayals in the past. The drive to connect with the traumatizing people to 'put it right' has been strong. But I remind myself that the source of the problem is not a good place to find the solutions. The message I got from Daniel in this video is if the people have not evolved you may be putting yourself in harm's way again.
@@lynnmarieanderson1744 it can be done nicely, respectfully and professionnally, empathically... for both parts involved. And theres always a sentimental feeling involved in such a close relationship and its ok as long as its not going elsewhere than the therapeutic space in the office and as long as no one believe there will be something else later bc it wont never happen
It hurts but if she deliberately hurt you and reject you at a tough moment. And didnt came back. She put you in psychic danger by abandoning you this way. She was not a good professionnal neither a human and she does'nt deserve your forgiveness that she didnt ask Im sure. Ive been there and it was absolutely horrible. Started (first experience) therapy to treat a sexual trauma, it went fine between the clinician psychologist and. She asked for a psychiatric backup added to the talk therapy engaged between her and me. I achieved it on my own and I gave her a feedback about it. She interrupted my therapy a month after by email without further discussion or preparation or referal or even a nice word. She ghosted me afterwards when I tried to reach for her help. My ptsd got worst, I totally collapse like a shell of a human, I develop fnd ever since. Some ppl just need to think about their actions and act. If you act in an impulsive mode, go think after but dont shy away from responsability
I had broken away from my family of origin and was living with a cousin of mine. She was concerned over me breaking ties with them and especially with my mother. My mother would contact her relentlessly making her feel guilty for providing me a place to get my footing into the world. So one day my mother and my sister came to my cousin's house without warning. We had an 'intervention'. And there was one thing my mother said that made me wanna hurl. " I thought we were tight. We were like besties." Says said mother. The one who invited a clear abuser, narcissist, into our home and let the abuse go on daily without batting an eye. Yuck.
When I Tried to Stay away, a relative who parents had both died told me. No matter how much her parents hurt her, to forgive, because, you only have one mom one dad. I responded, flies can hump up & be parents. Real good Mom s & Dad s, need to care, for real. Not just breed.
I'm confused (and interested) by why you think reconciling is 'de'-evolving? How can you not reconcile with them once you realise that they themselves are the victims of their parents and the society they grew up in? Yes, when I was younger I blamed my parents a lot. I was ready to break from them without going back (which I did until recently). Now that I'm older and understanding myself and them more, I cannot bring myself to blame them, because I see very clearly where they come from. Not only that, but I also realised that my parents had actually sacrificed a lot for me and my siblings, they themselves tried to break from their own families, in general, they treated us better than how their parents had treated them. What good would it make hurting them by not reconciling? how can I avoid the guilt after understanding exactly where they come from and that, it's not really 'entirely' their fault. My parents believe they're good parents, but only because it's in comparison to 'their' parents. They understand things their parents didn't, and I understand things they don't. So, again, how can I blame them and not reconcile?
Guilt for what? They didn't "sacrifice" for you. It's the word toxic parents use to guilt trip and control their children. And it's working wonders on you. You don't owe them anything, the "sacrifice" is called parental responsibility. They only had that responsibility because they decided to bring children into this world. Were you consulted if you want to be here? It was 100% their decision and responsibility, and 0% your decision. Understanding where they come from doesn't mean you have to accept abuse. If they decide to heal themselves, they will stop abusing you. And if they don't decide to heal themselves, then you don't have to allow them to continue to treat you like crap. You weren't born a slave, and you are not parental property. You deserve to be treated with dignity. If you feel guilty about protecting yourself from damaging people, then they destroyed your self esteem and self love very successfully.
I think he was saying that "going back" without both sides dealing with their traumas and healing from them (a process) is "de-evolving" because you went back into the same situation you left--no one is healed but you're just going to sort of pretend it's OK now. But that was just my interpretation. 😛
@@brandyk thank you for your kind comment. My parents are in their early 50's. So, not that old but they come from very strict old fashioned families and I realised that my parents themselves "rebelled" against their families and in many ways "improved". But that improvement is still not enough. I wrote the above comment at a time I was struggling a lot with all this, your comment's notification was a good reminder of how much I grew since then. The only reason I still "talk" to my parents are my siblings (they're still young and live with my parents). But I'm already over my parents, I don't want to "reconcile" with them anymore. I avoid engaging with them as much as possible. I'm more comfortable with the fact that I hate my parents, that they're horrible ppl. In the past I used to feel guilty for hating them but now I see my hate for them very clearly.
Thank you for all your good videos. I can't leave them in their suffering, even if abuse against me still occurs. We have incarnated together for a reason, and the good part of the relationship is irreplaceable. And leaving in their old age would make me bad. And feel bad. We hardly ever meet anyway, and when I have healed, it will get better. I am a part of the problem nervous and tense. How could you (start)healing; in therapy and self-work?
You can't start healing from trauma while still being exposed to the source of trauma. Who told You that You are part of the problem? I bet your abusers. You don't have to wait for their death to start your own life. You are tense and nervous because you're exposed to abusive shits. The sooner they're out of your life, the sooner you can start healing. You will not be tense when you aren't constantly abused. It will take a long time, but you will gradually become less and less anxious when you live in peace and away from abusers.
Very good. Another example is people who are healing but invite another person into that narrative and then when you see a bit more into their story and tell your opinion about what you think has happened, for example, you say that those family members seem very abusive, the person who is trying to come to terms with their own process of forgiving turns against you. Almost as if you become some kind of sponge into which they've inserted that garbage and abandon you instead of their family members. What might have happened there is that they've transferred the blame onto someone else so that they can go back to those family members as nothing has ever happened between them. The forgiveness was faked. That's proper devolvement I think.
Exactly! and even though I put bounderies, I will never be able to fully break free, because I could not live with the guilt of hurting them, while theyre living normaly with the fact that theyve hurt me
It took me years of therapies and change for my 3 older kids to reconcile with me. I feel lucky to have my adult kids and their kids in my life now. On the flip side: I'm never reconciling with my incubator. And it's not because of petty things. She was horribly abusive for decades and trafficked me twice when I was a minor. My sister and I managed to get her into 1 family therapy session back in 2007. She blew up at the psychologist, told him he didn't know how to do his job; and stormed out of there withing 10 minutes of the session. Because she has no interest in personal growth. She's got BPD and NPD. What a combination. Every family member who has been around her long term has CPTSD and severe anxiety. But it's not her... it's everybody else. No contact since 2014 has been one of the best things I've ever done for my mental health.
I think a lot of this comes down to personality type. It's traumatic enough if a parent assumes you should see things like them, interpret things like them when you may have fundamentally differing cognitive processes. That's sort of an everyday violation. But it's really hard for some parents to imagine they have something distinct on their hands: "it must be mentally ill!"
Even if only one parent is an abuser, the "good" parent is frequently complicit and in denial. There's almost never a serious abuser in a family without at least one enabler, and the enablers have to take a whole lot of blame, too. What you said about someone forgiving their abusers so they can forgive themself for bad behavior is something I see in many of my family members.
There is a new book that hopefully will be coming out soon by Dr. Gabor Mate and his son Daniel Mate called Hello Again: A fresh start with for parents and their adult children. Dr. Mate seems to me to be someone who fits the bit for a parent who is focused on healing the trauma he caused with his kids. Curious if you agree :)
Wow… You perfectly nailed it about abuser forgiving their own abusers, in order to forgive themselves. My mother would always talk about how she suffered worst forms of abuse from different people in her life. Yet she managed to forgive them. Therefore if I don’t forgive her , i am the monster , and she is the saint with moral superiority.
Maybe write down for yourself the flashes of insight. You can go back to them later and refine them or throw them in the trash. Seeing it in your own handwriting makes it more grasp-able for you.
"And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us"... from the Lord's prayer, the pillar of Christianity... Official Religious advice to dissociate!
I chose to forgive my parents and try to move forward. I fall into the regressed group Daniel talks about with some elements from that last group of experiences and motivations he talks about. If I didn't forgive I would accept and move on imo its the best way to find success and happiness along with a spiritual belief system. I am willing to type out significantly more if it will help someone.
I've noticed that some adult children allow themselves to be bought by the abusive parents with money and inheriting houses. These abused adult children become like their abusive parents and never end the parental relationship if the parent bribes them with money and free houses.
Oh god... Tell me about it... Mine had tried to bribe me with a house (and inheritance) but conditional on that I lived in the same block and a warm area they wanted.. heck no but yeah I could've fell for that if I weren't thinking clearly. I guess unfortunately I did let them buy me a used car when I started out. I kind of regret that but I was struggling to make it on my own too.. I don't want to feel guilty about it though coz all my teenage years I worked and spent my own money, overall I was pretty cheap to raise.
I think that some people take money because they've been taught to rely on their parents. The very parents who in some way or other try to clip at their independence and make them rely on them somehow instead so they never have to truly leave. Sort of like codependent enablers in some sense. It is also possible that some take money because they think that this will somehow make up for the abuse since they'll never get an apology at least they'll get some kind of recompense out of it. Sometimes because they see it as a loving act in their complicated relationship with their parents or that their parents will get mad at them if they dont accept money. It's a complicated subject and I wouldnt jump to judge others unless you know the full story. It is truly hard for some people to assert full and total independence when they've been taught that's just super scary and you'll never cope without me etc. I've seen this play out with some of my friends.
I really want to break free from my parents and stop being the family scapegoat, but I'm struggling financially and I grudgingly need my domineering dad's help. It can be a rough world out there. I don't like the situation but I don't want to be homeless either. I'm trying the best I can, I'm single and I don't have a boyfriend or husband who can help me out money wise. I have to live with my parents right now, there isn't much of an alternative unless want to become a prostitute. That's the cold reality.
Children who have been abused must figure out a way to forgive themselves for the trickle-down abuse they have done to others. It is okay to conclude, 'I hurt other people because my parents hurt me.' That is the truth. Without self forgiveness, you have no path to healing. At the same time, a moral person recognizes that as you become an adult, you cannot blame your poor behavior on others, even your parents.
Swami COMMENDS Daniel for addressing this very important issue. Swami CONJECTS that this is growing problem for many as this COVID crisis (and accompanying economic crisis) continue putting pressure on EVERYONE (including estranged family members) who are feeling increasing SURVIVAL pressure to reunite with family (the ONLY support mechanism many people ultimately have). Swami EXTRACTED Swami's self from Swami's family of original 15+ years ago, and vowed never to return to those toxic creatures. In fact, Swami even took the NEXT STEP and estranged Swamis self from that giant "dysfunctional family" called #Amerika. Now Swami finds himself living in a foreign "developing" country, with just enough income to keep a roof over the head and food in Swami's belly, and with a nasty back/spine issue which has devolved into the "danger zone" in the past year, and some days Swami can't get out of bed. However, with all of that said, even though the US Embassy has informed Swami that they can loan Swami the money to return to the US there is no justified reason to do so. BOTH the "#Amerikan family" and Swami's "biological family" are TOXIC conglomerates, and Swami would rather just die where he is. Swami is just waiting for the day when Swami's biological family members finally pass off, as that seems like it will be the ONLY time Swami will be truly free. When each of Swami's family members pass on Swami will light a candle, due the sign of the cross, and then have coffee and watch RUclips videos. #ItsJustTheFlu!
I am sorry swami. I hope you can find some stretches for your back to alleviate your physical condition. I also think the entire human family is dysfunctional, it extends beyond amerika, and plagues the entire planet. That's The real epidemic - greed and self-interest, and denial. With few exceptions like Daniel :)
Bait and switch is my parents favorite hobby.....they parrot the same cliches about how they've changed, and then? when you burn up time/money going to visit them, within the first 5 minutes they already start in with the same sh-t they pulled that caused you to leave in the first place. They NEVER change.....they want to see how many times you take the bait so they can pull the rug out from under you...again....and laugh about it.
@@TJBear Agreed. For me, I understand the traumas and terrible life experiences they have been through, and how that has filtered into how unloving and cruel they could be. In that sense, they are victims just as much as I am. At this point, I think of them as my children now. Whenever they act in a way that is unacceptable or toxic, I carefully and patiently explain why what they have done is wrong and how they should behave instead. I am under no illusions that this won't fundamentally change who they are, but it does reap rewards and is far better than merely casting them aside and ignoring them, especially in the long term. My sister doesn't speak to my parents anymore, and I have supported her in that, but have also warned her about it - I asked her to think about how she would feel if our parents died suddenly with her not talking to them, whether that might gnaw away at her and, if it would, to have the foresight to act soon to prevent this from happening. Think Daniel is projecting a bit too much here - I have no doubts about his situation and the applicability of his thoughts to it, but he has framed his thoughts in such a general and strictly binary way that I cannot agree.
It's because you weren't paying attention. Listen again and try to understand his definition of forgiveness. You totally let that in one ear out the other.
Wow ok I’m literally having dinner with then tomorrow and they have not evolved at all. Oh well i don’t forgive them but I’ll have dinner with them. I’ll treat it like a office party or something. Also get out of my brain Daniel!!
Forgiveness - to forgive others for what they have not done to you or others - is love itself. To forgive whatever may happen, absolutely everything, is to live without resistance. Therein lies peace. I really recommend giving ‘A Course in Miracles’ a look. Our world is our own projection. What we see out there is what is inside us. When we forgive others, we are really forgiving ourselves.
No, it isn't. It wasn't my projection that psychiatry harmed my mom when my dad died so much, that she became psychotic again and again back then, and sometimes now, too. I can't and won't forgive psychiatry, especially because they are pigging around in the same way, they did 30 years ago. Her brain is wrecked, it's not she doesn't want to fix it, it's because she's inable to do so, now. Her mental state is the state of a 12-year old. Yeah, my projection, you're delusional... forgiving mass murderers. Let evil run wild without resistance, right?
You're one of the only people on Earth that ever validated my lived experience.
Same here.
You are safe in this community, Tom. Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel calm and content and do not let shitty societal indoctrination get to You.kisses
Feel the same🙏
Daniel is a unique star for all of us.
@@FROFilmsIRE yes.
Parents rarely evolve, so #1 is out. That would require them able to admit they were "wrong". People don't like to admit they are wrong. I reconciled with my parents because my spouse died and a therapist suggested it might be a good time to reconcile. I did. It was a mistake. My parents were worse than ever, dumber than ever.
therapists say the dumbest shit.
yes it's so hard to be that one crab crawling out of the bucket when everyone else wants to drag you back into it, and not having a support system in case shit goes wrong is very difficult in our current economic system, or finding a sympathetic ear. To people who are following their hearts, it is not easy, and I am so proud of you for going for what's true to you.
@@TJBear you are right!
@JennyGao I love want you wrote. Your analogy is spot on! Thank you for saying you are proud of those of us for following our path to healing and good mental health. Blessings to you.
On the other hand it's great to stumble upon RUclips comments like this, from rare souls who get it 🙂 so validating
I really needed to hear that, thank you 😊
@@desiderata333Looks like some of the previous comments were censored. :/
"Its because their parents were not loving them properly. People dont really break away from people who are loving them properly." I needed to hear that Daniel. On this day when Im doubting wether Im the crazy one or not and wether im reading too much into it all. Thank you.
The biggest weight off my shoulders was when I realized I didn't have to forgive my parents. I only tried to because I was clinging to my indoctrinated faith, and trying to forgive sexual abuse made me feel violated all over again.
Forgiveness is an ability and some things don't deserve forgiveness at all and it's not required to heal.
@Astro Yes. You'd have to spend your time building and reinforcing boundaries just to have these people try and break them when you're in a weak moment. Who wants that?
What a horrible way to prevent someone from healing, forcing the to depend on the ones who harmed them...
I went no contact with some of my family and my only wish now, even if I don't have much hope for them, is we go our own ways, heal from our family traumas, and become better human beings.
So many of us are in therapy because of the people in our life who won’t go to therapy. I think I became a therapist in the hopes of somehow understanding the madness I grew up in.
The maturity trap is so real. Those that are labeled as such have just learned to compartmentalize, repress and push on. Sad
God help your clients.
I dont know if ill ever reconcile with my parents after I leave them. They caused me so much pain and misery by being lousy parents. I had to learn everything on my own. All they cared about was that I went on the path they wanted.
Right there with you in the struggle bruh 👍
I was and am a good parent to my son. I loved teaching him things such as cooking, house repair, welding, driving, math, spelling, juggling, camping, weight lifting, concrete finishing, etc. He is strong and independent now. I tell him I love him and am proud of him. I am sorry you have shitty parents. Try to focus on the value of having learned things on your own. It will never replace the bonding of good parents.
@@kevinhornbuckle I wish you were my dad when I was growing up.
I almost think there should be screenings to be parents. I know that's an ethical nightmare but so is all the damage done to kids by crappy people.
Theres a lot of it about
After my dad died when i was 9, (from a brain anurism, 39 years old, probably the result of dealing with experimental pesticides and herbicides as a grain farmer on the canadian prairies.), i do not remember much. in particular when we moved back into the farm house after living with grandma for 2 weeks after his passing. 4 years with no memories. Now 60 years old, i am more conscious of the fallout. When i think back to that little girl i was i feel so sad and so suddenly gutted. Even my back hurts. It is difficult to go there, but i am bascially forced to right now, as i become increasingly and consistently, conscious. Thanks Daniel for the opportunity to express this experience.
What you said about the therapist around 9 minutes - about parents going with you to therapy and this act being about re-ensnaring and bringing you back into the family's fog of denial... really resonated; This puts into words what I felt happened to me when I went to a psychologist for half a year, before I left.
That psychologist would hear about how my Mum had thrown me out and threatened to call the police on me during the week, and she would then validate my feelings of indignation and hurt. But she'd then say it was because of how emotionally immature my Mum is... and say we clearly had a lot of friction and some big communication problems and that we should go to see her together again - instead of: This is really not OK - Protect yourself and get the hell away from this person.
I love the community on this channel people seem very supportive of each other that’s nice!
Toxic positivity demands that we live in a state of denial. When shit sucks we should be able to say it sucks. Period
Someone out there gets it, too. Good to know
In my opinion we reconcile because we grow to maturity and our parents revert to a childish state of being. For some this may incite compassion and for some total disgust.
They can't "revert" if they never grew up in the first place. Why do you think they were shitty parents...
Maybe "revert" isn't the perfect word, but they can definitely decline and become even less able to own or mask their worst impulses. Much has been written about dementia making resentments emerge into vile verbal abuse. Even without major cognitive decline my mother's personality disorder has become even more obvious and disconnected from reality.
In my opinion, you're coming up with rationalization that sounds prettier than "you devolved"
Well said. Their own trauma arrested their emotional maturity process. They are hurt children in the bodies of old people.
@@tinet7056 100%
My brother is struggling a lot with depression and my mom confides in me often that my brother and I "inherited depression" from our dad, implying that it is a *strictly genetic/hereditary/biological thing from his side of the family. She says that because she doesn't have a problem with depression that it doesn't have anything to do with her. Both my parents think of depression as more to do with a physical chemical imbalance in the brain than largely due to trauma and neglect particularly in childhood.
Great so she's trying to convince you that you should be depressed too, and that she's blameless in this entire situation. Toxic.
I suffer from severe depression. I will be silently crying in bed while my parents complain about how lazy I am. Thanks for being so caring, dad and mom.
@@lynnmarieanderson1744 I am sorry. I hope you can get away sooner rather than later. Don't let them convince you that it's genetic and you're somehow defective. They're the broken ones
Projection and denial at its finest!
Let me guess: Your father tolerates emotional abuse from his wife and does nothing to protect their kids from her abuse. So she has the fantasy that her husband's depression and her son's depression are of their own making (i.e. biologically based).
The fundamental problem for many people is that some people in life will hurt and try to control you over and over again and reconciliation is just resigning yourself to more eventual hurt even if things are ok initially or for the most part, eventually they'll hurt you again and badly and you'll be angry with yourself for letting it happen. I think that when that's a possibility letting bygones be bygones is not really possible.
is this your experience?
Exactly. Don't expect a scorpion not to bite. You'll be responsible for your own demise. Hope that forgiveness feels real good as you're dropping down to the bottom of that river. Your forgiveness sure ain't gonna fill your lungs with oxygen and save your life. Kiss bye bye to your own life. Because forgiveness cult.
@@tinet7056 there's definitely a forgiveness cult that goes along w/ the toxic positivity cult we have nowadays
@@corsicanlulu yes. I heard they're also called a "malignant optimism" cult :)
There are other reasons. The one that comes up is actually the longing after a parent. Because bad parents are very rarely bad all the time. They did some good too and then the feeling of closeness, of love , of being taken care of- can cause a deep sense of longing.
this!
This is an excellent point! Absolutely the longing can sometimes threaten our newly-found ability to see reality, at last. It's really really just so fraught, isnt it.
In some cases or to sone degree. But I am mindful that the “niceness”, at least in my case, is pretty fake when you start to look closely.
Daniel, I am going through so much pain right now as I navigate through life with very limited contact with my family and I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your insights. I connect with your energy and way of explaining things very well, and I am very grateful for you and your immense help. Sending you many blessings sir. Thank you.
Cindy D- feeling your pain, too. Hang in there. You’re not alone. Estrangement is still taboo and misunderstood. But for those of us who go that route do so out of utmost self preservation and to honor our own humanity and truth.
Many of us are with you on this journey. Just keep going 💓
@@MsWing-ij9nb thank you so much.
@@tuesdayskittens thank you!🌹
@@MsWing-ij9nb Yes, it is a compound injury; too much for a traumatized person to get their head around. But necessary to get your head around it. You are trying to save your own life by escaping. Outsiders see you as committing a taboo/social sin. They do not and cannot know what you have been through, yet they judge you. Knowing this might help some people who are trying to escape. The people who judge are merely upholding social norms. They are very fortunate to not know abnormal.
Spot on! In the last 17-years as a licensed counselor, I’ve reached almost the exact same conclusions. Not an easy path… getting real and reliving what we actually experienced when we were little, and sadly, when that doesn’t happen, it gets passed on to the next generation.
I tried and tried to be the bigger person and resume contact, only to feel worse and more misunderstood. My dad is fine to call me the problem, while he chose to ignore my now adult childrens’ existence. It took me 20 years to confront him with the truth, but I finally feel relieved not carrying his shame anymore.
Thank you for this video. I almost was going to allow some contact with family members recently, but fortunately I snapped out of it when I realised that there was a million reasons why it would be a bad idea. Oops!
Please be safe. I established contact two years ago and it ended with a broken jaw, multiple bruises on hands and thigh.... Always think, not allowing your emotions to take charge.
@@RockyAbduljabar Thank you for your comment, and I am so so sorry to hear of what happened to you, and hope that better days have come for you since. And no, I have no intention of having a relationship with them. I think I just got swept up and disassociated for a moment, but fortunately I did get out of that state before anything bad have happened - an important lesson. I blocked their numbers and am keeping to my plan of no contact.
@@RockyAbduljabar that is absolutely terrifying! I am so, so sorry that happened to you. 😢 please be safe and God bless you sweetheart. I do not miss all the rages and contempt coming at me. It may take me a long time to heal but I am on my way now and I hope you are too. 🙏🏽🦋🍀
It's incredibly hard as a parent of an adult child when you notice that you were abused and abusive yourself. So many people simply aren't aware of the damage they caused and wheh confronted with it react in very strange and scarey ways
It's hard. Going through that right now. Realizing the abuse I suffered and that I have myself been abusive towards my young son. It's terribly painful.
@@sonodiventataunalbero5576 agreed but your son is young and you can change. People get so angry about parents but I don't think they understand how I incredibly difficult it is ..
I don't know anyone who talks about these topics. Thank you so much
I, too, regressed and took all the blame, professing to be the problem child, joining in and fawning support of my scapegoat label just to stay included...
Since nipping off their toxicity, I never want to go back. I don't have to forgive them until I'm ready, and I sure af don't want any more of their unsolicited, grade 6 level advice to replicate their miserable existences nor do I want to withstand their haughty, self-righteous judgement.
May we continue to heal♡
Thank you for another spot-on analysis. Your videos are echoing exactly my healing journey at this time, am so grateful. It is amazing how fiercely stigmatized it is by society to relinquish the parental bond.
Mothers/Fathers Day are annoying but I tell myself the stupid greeting card companies are responsible. 😛
Hey, thank you. I found your channel at the right time, when I was feeling a little guilty for refusing to go back. They’ve not changed, though
Maybe the damage I had was not as severe as some people in comments had, but there was no adult I could trust. When I was really scared of mother’s behavior or words she just said classics like “I didn’t do/say that” or “you’re too sensitive, it was not that bad”. I learned to trust her instead of myself. Now, remembering some of these situations I can’t believe she fooled and took advantage of a small child just not to be a “bad parent”.
I went no contact and learn to trust myself step by step. But I will never trust this woman again, even if she really does self-work. Because she used my trust so many times, it just ran out forever.
First of all, I am very impressed with your speaking ability and talent. You are one of the VERY FEW people to speak for such lengths of time without EVER using any um’s or er’s between any of your words or sentences. You’re an AMAZING speaker!
That said, I think I disagree with what you said about forgiveness. While I WAS angry for a long time for the physical & mental abuse directed towards my sibling and me while living under our parent’s roof, as time went on and I went on my way to college and then marriage, I realized that once I was on my own & out of the house, I began a very different relationship with my mom. One of friendship and coming to terms with the fact that her childhood was also one of abuse. She didn’t see it as abuse tho, and thought hitting and punishment were how you disciplined kids. She just repeated what she thought was proper discipline.
I’m over the anger with her now as an adult. I recognized that she was only able to discipline us the way she saw discipline as a young child herself.
What I am thankful for now, is that I learned how sad and hurtful that abuse felt as a young child and I chose NOT to ever do that with my 2 children. I’m also thankful or the fact that we went on to have a happy daughter/mother relationship through my married years and she was a good, caring & loving grandma to her grandkids. She isn’t around anymore...she passed in 2012. I’m happy I was able to work thru my pain issues and move on from my anger without regrets.
We live in an imperfect world. People make mistakes. Sometimes, they’re terrible mistakes.They do things that they later wish they didn’t. I’m okay with moving on and forgiving. I remember the wonderful times we DID have together. I learned from her mistakes...learned that compassion and understanding was the route to go while raising my kids....and I feel all the better for it! My 2 boys are fantastic parents who also use compassion and understanding with their children. Not all traumas lead to an unhappy ending!
I hope she didn't beat the shit out of your kids when you left them alone with her.
Great point about the ums and ers!
She didn't see it as abuse doesn't mean it was not abuse. And doesn't mean it was ok to do. Go steal a car, and when the cops show up, tell them you don't see it as stealing. See how that goes.
@@oompaloompa9139 Indeed! Intuitively I think one might know that something is wrong with "stealing" a car as, I believe, one should know intuitively that it is wrong to beat their children. The powers that be have "beaten" down the individual's natural capacity for intuitive understanding.
Wow. even as I watch this,I imagine sending this link so she would finally understand.
the key to all healing is to see ourselves as the bad guy.
This is why people rarely do it.
See, when people repress their pain, they eventually act it out on others.
In order to heal from the initial pain, we need to go through the part where we hurt others.
step 4.
There's a middle ground here: Move as far away as you possibly can. Left my NPD abusers on the East Coast and went to work in San Francisco, then jumped on a career opportunity and moved to Paris nearly 20 years ago. Today I just sent my dad a birthday card. Postmarked from France! Focus on your own education, independence and personal growth. The Atlantic Ocean is one hell of a safe boundary! LOL At last I can be coolly low contact without all the emotional turmoil, trauma, family sabotage, shaming, scapegoating and broken promises that marked my younger years when I depended on these people for survival.
Excellent advice. I hope that if you have siblings, they too were able to achieve some degree of escape and independence.
Nice. That's like "getting out of the hood." You got the NBA contract. 😛
This is the answer for a lot of families with cluster b personality disorders where the abuser isn't in treatment or isn't showing improvement.
Daniel, thank you for all your insights and wisdom that you have fought for in looking at the truth of your life. I think this video makes so many things clearer for children of abusive parents. I would like to suggest one more possibility for a reason or way to reconcile with parents based on my own experience with alcoholic parents and a narcissistic father.
I too broke from my parents in my 20's and became even more of the black sheep in the family as a result. For 3 decades I worked to understand the impact of my family dynamic and heal myself using many of the approaches you mention in your videos and like you I am still learning and healing but now feel that I am in basic alignment with my true self most of the time.
In my 50's my father wrote to me asking for forgiveness for any things he might have done that caused me pain. He did not know what he had done but this general acknowledgement of the possibility of causing me pain was something I never expected. And by this time in his life I saw that his progressive dementia was helping to strip him from his protective mask and reveal the little boy inside who had always been there but covered over. These two developments did not indicate FULL evolution of a true self on his part but they were enough of a change for me, from a position of more full evolution and self awareness to risk reconnection. And in reconnecting I found that my father did not want to double down or reinjure or deny. He did not ask for forgiveness. He simply wanted to be accepted and loved from a newly vulnerable place created in some degree from his mental decline, his inability to maintain his mask persona.
I never forgave him in my own heart for his abuses and think there is no justification to forgive them. But I did reconcile with him within the limits of our ability to be real with each other. It was not made public to the rest of the family and I did it for myself only. I gave him the love he craved without forgiving the abuse. I did not tell him I would not forgive those abuses because he still did not realize for himself what they were. But by giving him love at the end of his life I felt that I was loving his small vulnerable child self and loving my own vulnerable child self at the same time. I was able to love both of the abused children in our dynamic. This was healing for me. I don't know whether you would call this a reconciliation but it seemed to be one for me and it still give me a sense of peace.
The prospect of devolving is terrifying and at the same time understandable. We're social creatures, wired to find security in numbers and approval from the tribe, and it's easy to underestimate how painful breaking away can be, especially early on.
This is important. Very good point. The thing for a person to consider is that fear can trick you. In this context, you perceive that your family is relatively safer than that which you don't know/have not experienced. But really, that is not a perception, but rather a false assessment - one which serves the disturbed family member who get supply out of abusing you. The pain of breaking away will be painful, but what you cannot see is that there is joy and freedom to be enjoyed. The fog will lift. Sometimes a person just has to take it on faith.
No, it's not easy to really consider these things, and to listen as you stretch consciousness over the many escape hatches for the abusive egos we all have. I was looking at myself this week and finding some egos that I had previously overlooked and shrugged about, but this time I was looking at them in their full ugly indifference to others, and had to admit that I had to do better. Healing is a very long passage. Thank you Daniel for your priceless insights.
I try to focus on self-healing rather than forgiveness in my own life. I tend to fall into reason #2 described in this video, where I devolve and go back to my parents. It's probably some kind of fixing or compulsive behavior in my own mind, because I keep going back to fix my parents, assumedly so they will spontaneously heal and then belatedly fix or parent me. This is ultimately an immature or devolved belief in my mind, because 1.) I'm going back looking to externally "trigger" healing in somebody else 2.) I'm still waiting to "get made right" by an incompetent parent/other rather than focusing on independent self-healing.
I've had others suggest to me it is some form of narcissism in myself--that I am too attached to the "perfection" of myself as a product of my parents, and cannot let go of this fixation in my mind. This could be happening, but I tend to believe a fixation on one's identity as a product of an origin family would tend to be common. It would probably be more unusual for human individuals, regardless of origins, to feel naturally separated and independent in identity from their origin families. Children of toxic/dysfunctional parents tend to be in a bind, because in many ways they are required to undergo a full and total identity separation. I've had elder friends (baby boomers and older) tell me that this process might have even been a little easier several decades ago in America, when the social culture was more amenable to lower-income moving (it was easier for people to move without much money), and many cultural segments were more amenable to the identity separation of a younger adult from the origin family into an intermediary "collective" identity, even an apartment or flat shared with fellow young persons. I believe this concept of intermediary identity has lessened since around 1990, and I've known others who thought that intermediary identity was too risky--if the intermediary collective was toxic or dysfunctional, then the entrant struggled to heal almost as much as they did back at their origins.
I always liked the idea of non-clinical group homes for dysfunctional young adults--not places for people under mental health labels or treatment, but just regular cooperative or shared housing for younger adults who independently struggle in the transition from their dysfunctional origin homes into their long-term adult healthy selves. I've heard of some coop houses in larger cities that kind of operate as places like this in a de facto sense, but it remains a surprisingly radical concept in most corners of America.
Do you have a series on "real world" traumas? The parent stuff is great, very helpful indeed, but I've always suspected my childhood traumas, while devastating weren't nearly as bad some other people's I have heard about, and how they were able to overcome it. I'm not talking about devastating stuff with outsiders (out of the family), as a child, I totally accept that nonsense and chucked it all in the garbage bin of life whenever it happened. I'm talking about everything that happens after childhood. I'm 44 now and still have never even talked to anybody. And the one person that seems to want to talk to me, I haven't contacted for 6 months. Why would I even want to talk to a married woman? Why would I talk to anybody at all? These are tough questions, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to answer.
As soon as I really made progress in therapy (I do realize this is a channel relatively critical of psychotherapy, lol), largely by recognizing how I was traumatized, I immediately recognized the way this trauma caused me to harm others. It took quite a while and doing some 12 step style amends to get beyond some of the guilt/shame. It’s hard for me to even imagine someone authentically and seriously addressing their issues and not making this connection.
I relate. I chose to forgive my family but if I couldn't I would accept and move on. I forgive and love myself as well.
Love the way this guy explains difficult so easily!!
Your channel is great, you do amazing work. You should be proud of yourself, you are helping many people. Much appreciated. Happy New Year.
Well said, Daniel. I hesitate to share my choice to go no contact with my toxic family in general -only with few select ppl in my life I trust and know care for me deeply- even if they don’t entirely understand my situation. But still empathize with what I went thru and don’t shame or make me doubt walking away from it.
If both parents are deceased, it is only reconciliation with one's inner self, especially if devestating memories surface after the passing. It isn't about forgiveness. It's about wholeness and healing.
I just would gratitude you on existing and for making this video. Because in the back of my mind I didn't stop living that day was the hope that people like you exist.
You're a true warrior
It blows my mind how rare it is for someone to "leave the nest" of their upbringing. Sadly most just accept intergenerational trauma as the norm 😕👎
So much of it is just covered up. It seems very human to do that.
I may be struggling to fight my way out of a traumatic past, but at least I can be proud of myself for breaking the cycle at least in terms of my lineage.
I just ordered your book 'Breaking From Your Parents' on Amazon. I'm really, really, looking forward to reading it. Thanks!!
I hope you find value in it!
@@dmackler58 - Thanks again! I already know that I will.
That very eye opening. I can see how that could apply to someone but with me it kind of the opposite.
I'm discarded and abandoned by my mother and many of my relatives and when I try to talk with them they say I'm harassing them, especially my mother. She had a no contact order put on me.
She's stolen a couple homes from me. It's a long story but I look like the bad guy and I've been neglected and abused by them my whole life.
Omg... I am so sorry you had to go through that. That is so incredibly unfair to steal from you on top of the abuse you experienced. It's not you it's them. I think deep down they have to know it's not right.
So why do you want to go back? They don't deserve to have you around. Live your life free. Accept that they will never be better and you just have to accept yourself and love yourself. Get to a point where you believe that you don't deserve to be abused. Then there will be no desire to be around them.
@@tinet7056 Oh yeah I don't deserve to be abused.
I need to at least get back tangible material items they've stolen from me like a house and property, at least.
I have virtually nothing. Living in poverty alone and abandoned in a cheap low income apartment on a very small disability.
They, meanwhile have retired in the last ten years or so and live. In big new homes in luxury. I'm 53 now with nothing to look forward to. They're in their 70s.
I'm a veteran. It's a long story and yeah they've been extremely Neglectful to me, most of my relatives especially mom.
God bless you.
I'm loving having your content in my back pocket 😂
Great insights, Daniel... thank you very much for what you do
Someone so real ❤
I am fortunate Reason #1 is happening....and me breaking from them, for at that time indefinitely, was for sure a part of that change in them (one more than the other). It is going well. I"m impressed with them. It is certainly not the path for everyone. Such an important topic. As Usual. Endless thanks for your clarity and voice Dan.
We do not need our parents to evolve in order to evolve ourselves. If you are still clinging to the notion that you need your parents to “evolve” for you to be happy, you are still a small child emotionally. You are not your parents, and they are not you. You are an adult, and you are the responsible one now. The love you need must come from you and from you alone.
great speech thanks
Thanks for sharing your perspective. I hold a different opinion on your 2nd reason which I’d like to share if I may. In the thick of my process of resolving my own childhood traumas I distanced myself from my mum as she had a big part to play in the creation of those traumas. Your point on your parents having to own what they did in order for you to completely heal is not my experience. While that’s ideal, I have found full healing and forgiveness without this. For me, a big part of this is realising I had an expectation of what I wanted/needed her to be and accepting that not what I got, so letting go of that. I’m now in a point where she is in my life but with boundaries that I have created. I have decided that my own healing is not reliant on her healing which hasn’t really evolved. My healing is to forgive her anyway and to be as aware as possible of how not to re-traumatise myself or others. Thanks for your videos, they’re always very thought provoking! ❤️
The problem is some parents will carry on traumatising you or controlling you if you let them back in to your life. They may even act as sweet as pie 90% of the time but waiting for the shoe to drop for the other hurtful 10% is no way to live.
@@anz10 that’s so true. That’s why I just take her for what she is, and if she’s upsetting me I step away. I don’t expect her to be anything other than who she is and that makes all the difference for me. I can’t deny that there’s part of me that hopes she will evolve and meet me at a place where our connection can be more meaningful to me, I just don’t expect, nor do I need it. I actually think my mum thinks our relationship is fine, which is fine by me but if I had children I would want a much different relationship with them than I have with my own mum. ❤️
@@TJBear thank you, it’s so tricky to navigate and what works for one may not for another. The key for me is understanding reality vs expectation, and that I am open for reality to change but I don’t expect it or need it anymore. I am who I am and it is what it is ❤️
@@koolforkatss9155 i don't think he said your abusers have to own it, for you to heal. He said it's for forgiveness to happen. Forgiveness requires healing on both sides. But your own healing does not require forgiveness, or for them to "own". I think if the abuser decides to work on their own healing, it will lead to them owning what they did. That can lead to forgiveness. But you can work on your own healing regardless of what the abuser is up to.
It's possible I'm recalling this wrong lol. I'll have to listen again. And again. Until it's clear as mud :)
@@oompaloompa9139 I agree with your sentiment but it’s when he introduces reason 2 as ‘you have devolved’ that doesn’t align with my experience to the point when I had to comment (when I don’t usually). I have really invested in my personal growth and when it comes to my childhood experiences my healing has 2 main focuses. For me they are forgiving even if I’m not going to get anything from the other person for it, and owning my part in why it was so hurtful which is mainly due to having an expectation of the other person and letting that go. Like you I think healing can take place independent of the other person but just because I forgive them it doesn’t mean I’ve devolved as Daniel put it in this video. in fact I would say the opposite! ❤️
pretty fascinating to watch this video and realize that many people have many different meanings to the word "forgiveness" ,so much so, that it makes me question if I even truly know what it means!😲🤯
I can understand everything you’re saying but there still is such a thing as forgiveness with no strings attached. I’ve done it and it’s extremely healing. A huge weight is lifted from your shoulders and it never ever comes back again not even for a fleeting second. You actually know deep down in your core when you’ve really forgiven someone, it’s hard to describe.
It's not hard to describe, it's actually easy - he described it with one word - dissociation.
Thank you! So exactly true. The vicious circle must go on so that everybody can get their so-called forgiveness.
PS: when it became clear that I would not have children (I had said so all along but had not been taken seriously) all hell broke lose: I was called lazy, irresponsible, not an adult and not a member of society by the very people who supposedly loved me unconditionally...
But I stuck to my decision and so far: no regrets.
Aww did they want some grandbabies to abuse? How sweet of them lol.
I think if you ended up having babies, they would still call you all those derogatory names. They would criticize your parenting style And you'd still be lazy.
@@oompaloompa9139 After you have had kids it becomes even easier for your parents to abuse you.
That's nuts. Stay strong, girl!
Very insightful thanks
I'm currently trying to reconcile with my previous therapist who abandoned me at a really rough time in life. It's been really difficult. It had a profound affect on me and has stayed with me for well over a year. Shortly after it happened, I met up with about a dozen different therapists and psychiatrists who only made the situation much worse. I ended up staying in an inpatient facility because of it. She meant a lot to me, I still care about her, so I believe trying to reconcile is the best thing to do, even if its hard. I don't see myself being able to heal any other way.
I am sorry to hear that you had this experience. If the therapist betrayed you does she really deserve to get to interact with you again? I have experienced many interpersonal betrayals in the past. The drive to connect with the traumatizing people to 'put it right' has been strong. But I remind myself that the source of the problem is not a good place to find the solutions. The message I got from Daniel in this video is if the people have not evolved you may be putting yourself in harm's way again.
The cold truth is that your therapist is not your friend. You are just their job to them.
@@lynnmarieanderson1744 yes no maybe sometimes depends
@@lynnmarieanderson1744 it can be done nicely, respectfully and professionnally, empathically... for both parts involved. And theres always a sentimental feeling involved in such a close relationship and its ok as long as its not going elsewhere than the therapeutic space in the office and as long as no one believe there will be something else later bc it wont never happen
It hurts but if she deliberately hurt you and reject you at a tough moment. And didnt came back. She put you in psychic danger by abandoning you this way. She was not a good professionnal neither a human and she does'nt deserve your forgiveness that she didnt ask Im sure. Ive been there and it was absolutely horrible. Started (first experience) therapy to treat a sexual trauma, it went fine between the clinician psychologist and. She asked for a psychiatric backup added to the talk therapy engaged between her and me. I achieved it on my own and I gave her a feedback about it. She interrupted my therapy a month after by email without further discussion or preparation or referal or even a nice word. She ghosted me afterwards when I tried to reach for her help. My ptsd got worst, I totally collapse like a shell of a human, I develop fnd ever since. Some ppl just need to think about their actions and act. If you act in an impulsive mode, go think after but dont shy away from responsability
I had broken away from my family of origin and was living with a cousin of mine. She was concerned over me breaking ties with them and especially with my mother. My mother would contact her relentlessly making her feel guilty for providing me a place to get my footing into the world. So one day my mother and my sister came to my cousin's house without warning. We had an 'intervention'. And there was one thing my mother said that made me wanna hurl. " I thought we were tight. We were like besties." Says said mother. The one who invited a clear abuser, narcissist, into our home and let the abuse go on daily without batting an eye. Yuck.
Great insights
When I Tried to Stay away, a relative who parents had both died told me. No matter how much her parents hurt her, to forgive, because, you only have one mom one dad. I responded, flies can hump up & be parents. Real good Mom s & Dad s, need to care, for real. Not just breed.
I'm confused (and interested) by why you think reconciling is 'de'-evolving?
How can you not reconcile with them once you realise that they themselves are the victims of their parents and the society they grew up in?
Yes, when I was younger I blamed my parents a lot. I was ready to break from them without going back (which I did until recently). Now that I'm older and understanding myself and them more, I cannot bring myself to blame them, because I see very clearly where they come from. Not only that, but I also realised that my parents had actually sacrificed a lot for me and my siblings, they themselves tried to break from their own families, in general, they treated us better than how their parents had treated them. What good would it make hurting them by not reconciling? how can I avoid the guilt after understanding exactly where they come from and that, it's not really 'entirely' their fault.
My parents believe they're good parents, but only because it's in comparison to 'their' parents. They understand things their parents didn't, and I understand things they don't. So, again, how can I blame them and not reconcile?
Guilt for what? They didn't "sacrifice" for you. It's the word toxic parents use to guilt trip and control their children. And it's working wonders on you. You don't owe them anything, the "sacrifice" is called parental responsibility. They only had that responsibility because they decided to bring children into this world. Were you consulted if you want to be here? It was 100% their decision and responsibility, and 0% your decision. Understanding where they come from doesn't mean you have to accept abuse. If they decide to heal themselves, they will stop abusing you. And if they don't decide to heal themselves, then you don't have to allow them to continue to treat you like crap. You weren't born a slave, and you are not parental property. You deserve to be treated with dignity. If you feel guilty about protecting yourself from damaging people, then they destroyed your self esteem and self love very successfully.
I think he was saying that "going back" without both sides dealing with their traumas and healing from them (a process) is "de-evolving" because you went back into the same situation you left--no one is healed but you're just going to sort of pretend it's OK now.
But that was just my interpretation. 😛
@@brandyk thank you for your kind comment. My parents are in their early 50's. So, not that old but they come from very strict old fashioned families and I realised that my parents themselves "rebelled" against their families and in many ways "improved". But that improvement is still not enough. I wrote the above comment at a time I was struggling a lot with all this, your comment's notification was a good reminder of how much I grew since then.
The only reason I still "talk" to my parents are my siblings (they're still young and live with my parents). But I'm already over my parents, I don't want to "reconcile" with them anymore. I avoid engaging with them as much as possible. I'm more comfortable with the fact that I hate my parents, that they're horrible ppl. In the past I used to feel guilty for hating them but now I see my hate for them very clearly.
Where have you been!!!!
Excellent - thank you.
Thank you for all your good videos. I can't leave them in their suffering, even if abuse against me still occurs. We have incarnated together for a reason, and the good part of the relationship is irreplaceable. And leaving in their old age would make me bad. And feel bad. We hardly ever meet anyway, and when I have healed, it will get better. I am a part of the problem nervous and tense. How could you (start)healing; in therapy and self-work?
You can't start healing from trauma while still being exposed to the source of trauma. Who told You that You are part of the problem? I bet your abusers. You don't have to wait for their death to start your own life. You are tense and nervous because you're exposed to abusive shits. The sooner they're out of your life, the sooner you can start healing. You will not be tense when you aren't constantly abused. It will take a long time, but you will gradually become less and less anxious when you live in peace and away from abusers.
@@oompaloompa9139 I second this.
@@NonyaSmith thanks. I like your name:)
Very good. Another example is people who are healing but invite another person into that narrative and then when you see a bit more into their story and tell your opinion about what you think has happened, for example, you say that those family members seem very abusive, the person who is trying to come to terms with their own process of forgiving turns against you. Almost as if you become some kind of sponge into which they've inserted that garbage and abandon you instead of their family members. What might have happened there is that they've transferred the blame onto someone else so that they can go back to those family members as nothing has ever happened between them. The forgiveness was faked. That's proper devolvement I think.
Exactly! and even though I put bounderies, I will never be able to fully break free, because I could not live with the guilt of hurting them, while theyre living normaly with the fact that theyve hurt me
It's false guilt. Instilled by abusers and by enablers. You don't owe them anything. Did you ask to be born? Did you ask to be born into that family?
It took me years of therapies and change for my 3 older kids to reconcile with me. I feel lucky to have my adult kids and their kids in my life now.
On the flip side: I'm never reconciling with my incubator.
And it's not because of petty things. She was horribly abusive for decades and trafficked me twice when I was a minor. My sister and I managed to get her into 1 family therapy session back in 2007. She blew up at the psychologist, told him he didn't know how to do his job; and stormed out of there withing 10 minutes of the session. Because she has no interest in personal growth. She's got BPD and NPD. What a combination. Every family member who has been around her long term has CPTSD and severe anxiety. But it's not her... it's everybody else.
No contact since 2014 has been one of the best things I've ever done for my mental health.
"my incubator" you coined an amazing phrase
@@pushista9322 Understandably, it shows real anger.
I won't paste my latest nicknames for my mother. _T'isn't proper!_
I think a lot of this comes down to personality type. It's traumatic enough if a parent assumes you should see things like them, interpret things like them when you may have fundamentally differing cognitive processes. That's sort of an everyday violation. But it's really hard for some parents to imagine they have something distinct on their hands: "it must be mentally ill!"
Oui ! Totalement.
The more soft is one's voice the more he touches others' heart with his words! Thank you!
Even if only one parent is an abuser, the "good" parent is frequently complicit and in denial. There's almost never a serious abuser in a family without at least one enabler, and the enablers have to take a whole lot of blame, too.
What you said about someone forgiving their abusers so they can forgive themself for bad behavior is something I see in many of my family members.
I had a thought, healing with the traumas...
Companionship...🦋🕊🌹
There is a new book that hopefully will be coming out soon by Dr. Gabor Mate and his son Daniel Mate called Hello Again: A fresh start with for parents and their adult children. Dr. Mate seems to me to be someone who fits the bit for a parent who is focused on healing the trauma he caused with his kids. Curious if you agree :)
This is so good. 👍
What about parental alienation?
Trust must be earned especially if you are a parent
Wow…
You perfectly nailed it about abuser forgiving their own abusers, in order to forgive themselves.
My mother would always talk about how she suffered worst forms of abuse from different people in her life. Yet she managed to forgive them.
Therefore if I don’t forgive her , i am the monster , and she is the saint with moral superiority.
Definitely many "Oh Shit!" moments here
Maybe write down for yourself the flashes of insight. You can go back to them later and refine them or throw them in the trash. Seeing it in your own handwriting makes it more grasp-able for you.
@@kevinhornbuckle Thanks for responding! Right! I do write in my journal every morning
@@kevinhornbuckle This is an excellent suggestion. Thank you.
Thank you!
You’re right. You do get stigmatized if you tell people you’re estranged or not close to your parents.
Great video
How to Break from parents?
Why dont you record you books into audiobooks? I would definitely buy
"And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us"... from the Lord's prayer, the pillar of Christianity... Official Religious advice to dissociate!
I chose to forgive my parents and try to move forward. I fall into the regressed group Daniel talks about with some elements from that last group of experiences and motivations he talks about. If I didn't forgive I would accept and move on imo its the best way to find success and happiness along with a spiritual belief system. I am willing to type out significantly more if it will help someone.
Please do type more
I've noticed that some adult children allow themselves to be bought by the abusive parents with money and inheriting houses. These abused adult children become like their abusive parents and never end the parental relationship if the parent bribes them with money and free houses.
Oh god... Tell me about it... Mine had tried to bribe me with a house (and inheritance) but conditional on that I lived in the same block and a warm area they wanted.. heck no but yeah I could've fell for that if I weren't thinking clearly. I guess unfortunately I did let them buy me a used car when I started out. I kind of regret that but I was struggling to make it on my own too.. I don't want to feel guilty about it though coz all my teenage years I worked and spent my own money, overall I was pretty cheap to raise.
I think that some people take money because they've been taught to rely on their parents. The very parents who in some way or other try to clip at their independence and make them rely on them somehow instead so they never have to truly leave. Sort of like codependent enablers in some sense. It is also possible that some take money because they think that this will somehow make up for the abuse since they'll never get an apology at least they'll get some kind of recompense out of it. Sometimes because they see it as a loving act in their complicated relationship with their parents or that their parents will get mad at them if they dont accept money. It's a complicated subject and I wouldnt jump to judge others unless you know the full story. It is truly hard for some people to assert full and total independence when they've been taught that's just super scary and you'll never cope without me etc. I've seen this play out with some of my friends.
I lost my inheritance. It's so nice to be able to type that in a space where people would understand how and why that could have been necessary.
I really want to break free from my parents and stop being the family scapegoat, but I'm struggling financially and I grudgingly need my domineering dad's help. It can be a rough world out there. I don't like the situation but I don't want to be homeless either. I'm trying the best I can, I'm single and I don't have a boyfriend or husband who can help me out money wise. I have to live with my parents right now, there isn't much of an alternative unless want to become a prostitute. That's the cold reality.
@@lynnmarieanderson1744 It took me time. I hear you.
Same experience with my parents. I've never met someone who gets it like you do
Could you make a video commenting on how traditional religion and AA sometimes keep people in denial?
Truth bomb!
Does that actually happen? Parents evolving? I have not seen it nor am I holding out.
I think I've read one case. Where a parent evolved before it was too late.
Children who have been abused must figure out a way to forgive themselves for the trickle-down abuse they have done to others. It is okay to conclude, 'I hurt other people because my parents hurt me.' That is the truth. Without self forgiveness, you have no path to healing. At the same time, a moral person recognizes that as you become an adult, you cannot blame your poor behavior on others, even your parents.
My son reconciled to notify me that my nephew was murdered
Than he blocked me the next day
Money, economic dependence is one.
Reason no. 1 almost never happens.
Thank you
Swami COMMENDS Daniel for addressing this very important issue. Swami CONJECTS that this is growing problem for many as this COVID crisis (and accompanying economic crisis) continue putting pressure on EVERYONE (including estranged family members) who are feeling increasing SURVIVAL pressure to reunite with family (the ONLY support mechanism many people ultimately have). Swami EXTRACTED Swami's self from Swami's family of original 15+ years ago, and vowed never to return to those toxic creatures. In fact, Swami even took the NEXT STEP and estranged Swamis self from that giant "dysfunctional family" called #Amerika. Now Swami finds himself living in a foreign "developing" country, with just enough income to keep a roof over the head and food in Swami's belly, and with a nasty back/spine issue which has devolved into the "danger zone" in the past year, and some days Swami can't get out of bed. However, with all of that said, even though the US Embassy has informed Swami that they can loan Swami the money to return to the US there is no justified reason to do so. BOTH the "#Amerikan family" and Swami's "biological family" are TOXIC conglomerates, and Swami would rather just die where he is. Swami is just waiting for the day when Swami's biological family members finally pass off, as that seems like it will be the ONLY time Swami will be truly free. When each of Swami's family members pass on Swami will light a candle, due the sign of the cross, and then have coffee and watch RUclips videos. #ItsJustTheFlu!
I am sorry swami. I hope you can find some stretches for your back to alleviate your physical condition. I also think the entire human family is dysfunctional, it extends beyond amerika, and plagues the entire planet. That's The real epidemic - greed and self-interest, and denial. With few exceptions like Daniel :)
@@tinet7056 Swami SAYS, #Truth.
@@TJBear Swami EXPRESSES #gratitude.
We really need you now!!!
Bait and switch is my parents favorite hobby.....they parrot the same cliches about how they've changed, and then? when you burn up time/money going to visit them, within the first 5 minutes they already start in with the same sh-t they pulled that caused you to leave in the first place. They NEVER change.....they want to see how many times you take the bait so they can pull the rug out from under you...again....and laugh about it.
Really massively disagree with the idea that it isn't possible to forgive your parents if they don't change.
@@TJBear Agreed. For me, I understand the traumas and terrible life experiences they have been through, and how that has filtered into how unloving and cruel they could be. In that sense, they are victims just as much as I am. At this point, I think of them as my children now. Whenever they act in a way that is unacceptable or toxic, I carefully and patiently explain why what they have done is wrong and how they should behave instead. I am under no illusions that this won't fundamentally change who they are, but it does reap rewards and is far better than merely casting them aside and ignoring them, especially in the long term. My sister doesn't speak to my parents anymore, and I have supported her in that, but have also warned her about it - I asked her to think about how she would feel if our parents died suddenly with her not talking to them, whether that might gnaw away at her and, if it would, to have the foresight to act soon to prevent this from happening. Think Daniel is projecting a bit too much here - I have no doubts about his situation and the applicability of his thoughts to it, but he has framed his thoughts in such a general and strictly binary way that I cannot agree.
It's because you weren't paying attention. Listen again and try to understand his definition of forgiveness. You totally let that in one ear out the other.
Feel free to explain where I am wrong if you get a spare minute.
Wow ok I’m literally having dinner with then tomorrow and they have not evolved at all. Oh well i don’t forgive them but I’ll have dinner with them. I’ll treat it like a office party or something. Also get out of my brain Daniel!!
@@samh.6272 go to help
Forgiveness - to forgive others for what they have not done to you or others - is love itself. To forgive whatever may happen, absolutely everything, is to live without resistance. Therein lies peace.
I really recommend giving ‘A Course in Miracles’ a look. Our world is our own projection. What we see out there is what is inside us. When we forgive others, we are really forgiving ourselves.
No, it isn't. It wasn't my projection that psychiatry harmed my mom when my dad died so much, that she became psychotic again and again back then, and sometimes now, too. I can't and won't forgive psychiatry, especially because they are pigging around in the same way, they did 30 years ago. Her brain is wrecked, it's not she doesn't want to fix it, it's because she's inable to do so, now. Her mental state is the state of a 12-year old.
Yeah, my projection, you're delusional... forgiving mass murderers. Let evil run wild without resistance, right?
This is so spot on. Can feel like being in the belly of the whale.