It sounds almost like a trauma response. I know I get that feeling in certain situations. I feel excitement, but if I pause, I realize I dislike the feeling. And that the response is colored by fear and anxiety. Like I seek their validation, to prove my worth in a hope of finally being seen by someone who represents said trauma.
That’s exactly how I would describe the feeling! Like a trauma response, almost this involuntary submission almost out of like emotional muscle memory to protect oneself. That’s really interesting insight as well- when you pause you notice you don’t actually like the feeling. Taking that second to be mindful can make such a difference when learning to really understand our reactions to things I think. Thank you for sharing!!
There is nothing wrong with engaging in what we would consider "traditionally feminine" interactions in your sapphic relationships. However, mainstream heterosexual culture and even subsects of queer culture degrade and devalue feminine presentations and behaviors. Naturally this cultural normativity negatively effects queer women and fems who internalize and possibly even reflect it.
Weird but strangely familiar: My wife of 19 years is cis/straight/allo and I'm transfeminine/sapphic/ace, and she was never with anyone else before me, so she never had to deal with male attitudes about sex. As we seek to satisfy her desires for the masculine presence I was never able to provide we are just now having to deal with the way "boy brain" colors every interaction. Never considered this to be an issue in lesbian relationships, but clearly it is.
hi Niki i just found your channel and really vibe with the insights you are sharing, and just had to comment! Thinking of misogyny as a culturally "accepted" form of abuse, it makes sense that when women are raised ..CONDITIONED/GRO0M3D to defer to the most abusive voice in the room when it holds them up as "valuable" for it's own gratification. Part of what we should be seeing is a Sapphic Revival that celebrates all of our amazing traits as women, not just from the current gender norms, but what WE ACTUALLY bring to the table, whether that's currently in our culture being defined as a masculine or feminine trait. Women protecting and supporting the women they love without bringing the "male gaze" or any other form of misogyny is a goal yet to be obtained. And we are going to have to treat it like a Sapphic cultural recovery from abuse, all of us working together to ...hrm, shift the paradigm. Sorry for leaving off on a tired phase, but that's that. Much love, stay strong!
Hi!!!! Thank you for watching and sharing your perspective- I LOVED reading this. I think that is such an interesting concept and so true, the notion that misogyny is a culturally accepted for of abuse and women are conditioned to defer to the most abusive voice in the room so long as it deems them valuable. That is such a great way to put it and something I had never thought of before- I think I’ll definitely make a video talking more about that concept in the future because you inspired a lot of thought about it- so thank you so much 💜💜💜💜
Warning for long block of text before I even write it but I know it’s gonna be long lol I relate to this a lot but in a very different way I guess, this is probably more personal than necessary for a random post on the internet and I might delete it if somebody random feels the need to slut shame me or something lol, but here ya go for context, I was raised female mostly with my sister and my mother, who tended to place all of her worth on her appearance and physical accomplishments and attention from men. she also berated me and my sister for things that showed we didn’t live up to her standards of being a woman, even if we were too young for those things even to be expected of us. I literally only realized just now that that is probably where I got most of my internalized misogyny, because it didn’t feel like misogyny coming from her. anyway, as an adult, Im a nonbinary person in a polyamorous relationship and a lot of insecurities, have never been through a breakup so although Ive been dating for over two years it feels a little new, especially exploring the concept of polyamory after only knowing it was a thing for maybe 4-5 years. Turns out, one of those insecurities is that I am easily replaced or not good enough, which presented itself in platonic friendships but really made itself clear when it came to polyamorous jealousy. I had never experienced anything romantic or sexual before to any degree, so when I first moved in with my main partner and things were to a certain level, I was not aware that things don’t just stay that super high always. So when I saw my partner start showing more sexual interest in someone new, alllll those misogynistic ideas id internalized early on brought themselves back up and I thought it was a sign that I was lacking or had less value. it took me an unfortunate amount of time to realize that sexual energy tends to lessen in relationships once it’s less new and exciting, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the love and care between two people has lessened. I thought seeking out more relationships of my own would help me and I ended up reaching out to that one guy I was jealous of. I felt so much relief from that feeling of lower value I felt because he was very much not shy in sharing his every thought and his thoughts were very explicit. I thought it was great for quite a long time and eventually, due to other factors and a bigger support system, I started developing more confidence and care for myself and stopped placing my value in how attractive I was. When this change happened though, all of the sexual comments I’d been getting from the new person started feeling kind of icky, even though the things he said hadn’t changed at all. the only thing that changed was my perspective on it. Luckily I still feel like all of my partners are lovely people and I did bring up the fact that sexual comments stopped feeling nice and started feeling uncomfortable now that I wasn’t desperate for validation that I was love anymore, and he was happy to stop and is completely okay with indefinitely having our relationship be non-sexual, which i appreciate. I definitely don’t regret seeking the relationships I started, but I do regret letting my impulses and insecurities drive how my relationships started. Im happy with them, just wish they had been founded on better mental grounds TL;DR: I was seeking out a lot of sexual attention because I had a misunderstanding that that’s the best way to demonstrate love and prove that I am worth being loved, but turns out attractiveness and sexual stuff doesn’t actually have much to do with my worth or how much people care about me lol
It sounds almost like a trauma response. I know I get that feeling in certain situations. I feel excitement, but if I pause, I realize I dislike the feeling. And that the response is colored by fear and anxiety. Like I seek their validation, to prove my worth in a hope of finally being seen by someone who represents said trauma.
That’s exactly how I would describe the feeling! Like a trauma response, almost this involuntary submission almost out of like emotional muscle memory to protect oneself. That’s really interesting insight as well- when you pause you notice you don’t actually like the feeling. Taking that second to be mindful can make such a difference when learning to really understand our reactions to things I think. Thank you for sharing!!
You’re welcome ❤
There is nothing wrong with engaging in what we would consider "traditionally feminine" interactions in your sapphic relationships. However, mainstream heterosexual culture and even subsects of queer culture degrade and devalue feminine presentations and behaviors. Naturally this cultural normativity negatively effects queer women and fems who internalize and possibly even reflect it.
Agreed!! It’s important to know where the behavior is stemming from when replicating something so inherently socialized/stereotypical
Weird but strangely familiar: My wife of 19 years is cis/straight/allo and I'm transfeminine/sapphic/ace, and she was never with anyone else before me, so she never had to deal with male attitudes about sex. As we seek to satisfy her desires for the masculine presence I was never able to provide we are just now having to deal with the way "boy brain" colors every interaction. Never considered this to be an issue in lesbian relationships, but clearly it is.
hi Niki i just found your channel and really vibe with the insights you are sharing, and just had to comment! Thinking of misogyny as a culturally "accepted" form of abuse, it makes sense that when women are raised ..CONDITIONED/GRO0M3D to defer to the most abusive voice in the room when it holds them up as "valuable" for it's own gratification. Part of what we should be seeing is a Sapphic Revival that celebrates all of our amazing traits as women, not just from the current gender norms, but what WE ACTUALLY bring to the table, whether that's currently in our culture being defined as a masculine or feminine trait. Women protecting and supporting the women they love without bringing the "male gaze" or any other form of misogyny is a goal yet to be obtained. And we are going to have to treat it like a Sapphic cultural recovery from abuse, all of us working together to ...hrm, shift the paradigm. Sorry for leaving off on a tired phase, but that's that. Much love, stay strong!
Hi!!!! Thank you for watching and sharing your perspective- I LOVED reading this. I think that is such an interesting concept and so true, the notion that misogyny is a culturally accepted for of abuse and women are conditioned to defer to the most abusive voice in the room so long as it deems them valuable. That is such a great way to put it and something I had never thought of before- I think I’ll definitely make a video talking more about that concept in the future because you inspired a lot of thought about it- so thank you so much 💜💜💜💜
Warning for long block of text before I even write it but I know it’s gonna be long lol
I relate to this a lot but in a very different way I guess, this is probably more personal than necessary for a random post on the internet and I might delete it if somebody random feels the need to slut shame me or something lol, but here ya go
for context, I was raised female mostly with my sister and my mother, who tended to place all of her worth on her appearance and physical accomplishments and attention from men. she also berated me and my sister for things that showed we didn’t live up to her standards of being a woman, even if we were too young for those things even to be expected of us. I literally only realized just now that that is probably where I got most of my internalized misogyny, because it didn’t feel like misogyny coming from her.
anyway, as an adult, Im a nonbinary person in a polyamorous relationship and a lot of insecurities, have never been through a breakup so although Ive been dating for over two years it feels a little new, especially exploring the concept of polyamory after only knowing it was a thing for maybe 4-5 years.
Turns out, one of those insecurities is that I am easily replaced or not good enough, which presented itself in platonic friendships but really made itself clear when it came to polyamorous jealousy. I had never experienced anything romantic or sexual before to any degree, so when I first moved in with my main partner and things were to a certain level, I was not aware that things don’t just stay that super high always. So when I saw my partner start showing more sexual interest in someone new, alllll those misogynistic ideas id internalized early on brought themselves back up and I thought it was a sign that I was lacking or had less value. it took me an unfortunate amount of time to realize that sexual energy tends to lessen in relationships once it’s less new and exciting, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the love and care between two people has lessened.
I thought seeking out more relationships of my own would help me and I ended up reaching out to that one guy I was jealous of. I felt so much relief from that feeling of lower value I felt because he was very much not shy in sharing his every thought and his thoughts were very explicit.
I thought it was great for quite a long time and eventually, due to other factors and a bigger support system, I started developing more confidence and care for myself and stopped placing my value in how attractive I was. When this change happened though, all of the sexual comments I’d been getting from the new person started feeling kind of icky, even though the things he said hadn’t changed at all. the only thing that changed was my perspective on it.
Luckily I still feel like all of my partners are lovely people and I did bring up the fact that sexual comments stopped feeling nice and started feeling uncomfortable now that I wasn’t desperate for validation that I was love anymore, and he was happy to stop and is completely okay with indefinitely having our relationship be non-sexual, which i appreciate. I definitely don’t regret seeking the relationships I started, but I do regret letting my impulses and insecurities drive how my relationships started. Im happy with them, just wish they had been founded on better mental grounds
TL;DR: I was seeking out a lot of sexual attention because I had a misunderstanding that that’s the best way to demonstrate love and prove that I am worth being loved, but turns out attractiveness and sexual stuff doesn’t actually have much to do with my worth or how much people care about me lol