Jordan Peterson, a clinical psychologist, advises that we measure ourselves against who we were yesterday, not who someone else is today. If you feel you're one day better than you were, or one day closer to what you want, that's all that matters. I know I have fallen into the pattern he advises against, but too late. I will add this. I always wanted to find someone and have a family, but I foolishly wasted my youth by doing nothing to achieve it. When I opened myself up to the possibility of a relationship, I felt I was past my "sell by" date. I told myself I was married to my career, which for a long while was progressing and fulfilling, but when my career hit a rough patch and I had no support system, that was the worst. I guess my point is, if you want a relationship don't pursue one because of some timetable or expectations, but don't neglect the best opportunity you'll have to find one either.
"Measure yourself against who you were yesterday, not who someone else is today." I love that! Comparing yourself to others is never fruitful...grass is always greener...
Completely valid feelings Kev. I really believe some people are just ‘better’ at relationships than others. They decide early on that it’s what they want and they are open enough to accepting that their potential partner won’t exactly be everything that they are looking for. There’s a certain reality that comes with opening your life up to another person and some people are just more open to it than others. It takes a lot of hard work and commitment to have a successful relationship and there’s no stigma in not wanting that. There’s also nothing wrong with being Peter Pan if that’s what makes you happy too. Whether you’re in a relationship or not it’s about accepting that neither situation will be perfect but it will be perfect enough for you.
Yeah, I guess to use puzzle pieces as an analogy - some people are a more "compatible" piece - they can fit with more people - and some are more intricate & complex, but at times they can't fit together no matter how hard you try. We all have limited pieces we can bind with. Wow...that was a great metaphor 😂
@@KevenTalks that's one way of looking at it! At a very base level, a relationship is like any other aspect of your life such as your career, family, friends etc. It all requires a deep committment and desire to learn and grow. You only have so much energy to give so what is going to be your focus? You have to make a concerted effort to get a relationship if that's what you really want. Is it really what you want? If so, you need to go out and get it!
I think we're consistently exposed to the feelings we despise (fear, envy etc) because there are lessons that have to be taught to us. It seems you've found your answer in this particular situation and I'm happy for you. However, in all honesty, and I have this "problem" with me too, dating is already complex (if you want the true fruits of it) but to an extent, as complex people, we make it more complex than it has to be. I know you're an overthinker like me, that's why I need a more "simple and straightforward" person who sees things for what they are to balance me out. IDK if that's how you feel, but as usual great video.
Yep, totally. It's something I think about often. Even with friendship- it's great sometimes to have casual, "easy" friendships that don't go too deep. Simple and carefree. But of course at times you crave something more complex - TOO complex though, and you're screwed. LOL. It's a balance I guess.
@@KevenTalks I agree there is a balance we need. Too bad I'll be an overthinker for life . Also I think you should make more videos about you as person (excluding racial and romantic issues etc) i personally really like those videos.
@@KevenTalks i just wanna hear more about you and what you like to do. A vid that doesn't revolve around an issue you may have this inane world. Not criticizing your content or anything lol. (I know you don't think that but I'm saying)
Kevin, this 68 year old single gay man just discovered your channel over the past weekend and I must tell you that I love watching your videos. I like how you think, I like your calm and articulate manner, and I really love your honesty about yourself and your feelings. Refreshing. Wishing you all the best possible in life!
Totally feel the same way keven, i’m 30 my mates have either got married or getting married some have even had a baby already, got the house and all that, i’m single and struggling to find someone. But i’d like the think us gay men are on no ones times, we can get married whenever we would like, adopt kids when we want etc etc🥰 i never felt like this in my 20s but my in my 30s it’s starting to happen were it’s like, they are starting to become proper adults, i still feel very young for my age.
Actually, I think that relationships are the only thing that matter in life. I know this sounds less supportive than I usually am. A bad or unfulfilling relationship is worse than no relationship. But we are social creatures, and complementarity is important. But we should not enter into a relationship only for the sake of a relationship. Does this make sense?
Yes. We are social creatures, thus we need social interaction. But one should also pursue relationships that complement them well. I understand what you're saying.
Hi! Love your videos and your way of thinking, and even the title of this video was relatable haha In my case, I do know (or at least I feel that I know lol) that I do want to be in a relationship by now, but not because I have fear of missing what my friends do or because I care if society thinks "I'm a loser" for being single, but because I'm a romantic person and not having had any romantic partner makes me sad; because I love living every day of my life like if it's the last one (it may help you getting over shyness and/or many fears haha) and then I think that if this day was my last day on Earth, I still wouldn't have a romantic partner to leave behind. And I know that even the concept of "romantic partner" is something very complex, abstract, socially created, and diverse for every person; but it's a concept that I'm subjectively and really attracted to and looking forward experiencing to. Romantic life to me seems like a buffet where many people get to choose foods from and even find their ideal/favourite food for the rest of their lives (not me comparing romantic partners with food smh), while I never got to taste anything and it sometimes makes me sad to think I may never get to do it... Can somebody relate? What are your opinions? 🤔
Yes, I agree and understand. For those of us who are more partnership / romance-oriented, it's an even bigger challenge. I'm not sure how old you are but I will tell you that over time, that "longing" feeling for me has subsided. It's still there, but not as predominant and intense as it used to be in my early to mid twenties. So, I think as humans we adapt and are surprisingly malleable...and as gay men with these extra challenges of facing loneliness in a more heavy way, you end up having 2 options - obsessing over that "void" OR realizing the abundance of other great things in life you can find joy from, and if that romance ever comes along, then that's great, but really it's not a guarantee for any of us, heteros included :)
It's natural to want to relate to your friends. Part of relating to your friends is being in a similar place in life. So its understandable why you would feel like you are missing out on something. It's good that you figured out that you may not really want what they have. Some people get into relationships just so they won't be alone, but then the relationship is not a good one. I also think straight people have more pressure to be married by their 30s, especially women.
Don't you think this subject was a little too heavy to upload this early in the morning? Lol No disrespect to your friends, but marriage and children does not mean "evolving". The issue comes down to two things: population and culture (mentality). I have noticed that when you get closer to thirty, or passed thirty, marriage and pregnancy becomes common in your circle. As for queers, we don't seem to be blessed with it as much because of population; there aren't as many of us on the planet. Believe it or not, I have always felt that that is nature's biggest mistake: Creating a hundred sexual orientations, but 80% one way, and the rest not. If I had a choice between changing that and eliminating cancer, it would, actually, be the former. At least cancer teaches people valuable lessons. But, having so little LGBTQ people on the planet is very hard. The second point, culture and mentality, is that straight people take marriage for granted because they never had to fight for it. That's why most straight couples are odd and tacky, and that's why the divorce rate is monstrously high along with the number of broken homes. Their so called "norm" is a train wreck. I mean, does a person having five children from three marriages, and add six abortions and miscarriages on top of that, sound anywhere near "normal"? It isn't. Many heterosexual people make bad decisions like settling with the wrong person out of the fear of being single, not using contraceptives, not paying child support, and all of those things on a very regular basis. Therefore, getting engaged or married is like us going to the club. It doesn't have much meaning for them because it's something they take for granted, they don't think about the consequences (especially children), and then there are their gender roles that reinforce this outrageous behaviour so that they don't appear "gay" or "not normal". So, what about any of that deserves excitement from us, especially gay men? I swear, Keven, I never feel excited when I find out that one of my straight friends is in a new relationship or is getting married; I write down the date or time frame of when that relationship is going to end, and you'd be surprised how often I'm right. So, no, I don't think that you're a bad person or not supportive of your friends, it's that we live in a world where there aren't as many of us in the population, so that naturally decreases the chance of marriage for us, and that we also live in a world where it's "frightening for a man to love another man", but it's "normal" for people to get divorced five times because they don't know how to be selective with their life partners. Pitty. Now, about straight women not talking to their friends while they're in a relationship, and then calling everyone after ages of silence once the relationship ends, that's a very, very separate subject that I have lots to say on, but I won't for now. Cheers, tatlım. Be happy, and don't forget to keep calm and carry on. 😘 P. S. One of the journal examples is a friend of mine who got divorced two years ago. She came to visit me with her mom one evening to tell me the news, so I brought out my journal and showed it to them as I said, "I know. I wrote it down before the wedding a few years ago." The looks on their faces were priceless. 🤣
For some odd reason, RUclips keeps deleting my comment. I sent it to you on Instagram. This annoys me because there was a man posting transphobic comments on my friend's channel without issues. It seems like RUclips has corrupt people working for the website.
Ugh yeah I don't know how their system works. I would say about 10-20% of comments on my videos get deleted before I can respond to them (I get the notifs, but then they don't show up)
Right, and you can ask the same question about straight people...I wonder how many people get married just out of fear / pressure. Based on current divorce rates, it must be pretty high.
Keven, I understand what you're saying, but you are overanalysing it, in my opinion. If you fell in love with someone, really fell 'head over heels' in love, I mean, you wouldn't analyse the situation like that at all. All those questions you're asking yourself, you are asking yourself because it is not true love.
@@KevenTalks In my experience, when you fall in love with someone, analysis goes out of the window! One is transported to seventh heaven! :-) Analysis is terrestrial; love, heavenly and divine! :-)
@@KevenTalks Keven, I have just re-read your reply. I must say that your choice of word , "compel", is a rather strange one in the context of love and relationships. Maybe it's me, but I have never thought of love, gay or straight, as being 'compelling'. I know exactly what you mean, but I find the choice of the word rather cold and calculating in reference to a love affair. I hope you don't ,ind my saying so. I'm am simply giving you some food for thought.
@@xelakram I guess I was using this definition: "to have a powerful and irresistible effect or influence" as in being "compelling" rather than something related to force or control. But if you love me you'd stop analyzing ;)
@@KevenTalks Ha! Ha! What a great answer! Perhaps I was being naughty . :-) I'm glad you have taken my comment well. The last thing I wanted to do is upset you.
Jordan Peterson, a clinical psychologist, advises that we measure ourselves against who we were yesterday, not who someone else is today. If you feel you're one day better than you were, or one day closer to what you want, that's all that matters. I know I have fallen into the pattern he advises against, but too late.
I will add this. I always wanted to find someone and have a family, but I foolishly wasted my youth by doing nothing to achieve it. When I opened myself up to the possibility of a relationship, I felt I was past my "sell by" date. I told myself I was married to my career, which for a long while was progressing and fulfilling, but when my career hit a rough patch and I had no support system, that was the worst. I guess my point is, if you want a relationship don't pursue one because of some timetable or expectations, but don't neglect the best opportunity you'll have to find one either.
"Measure yourself against who you were yesterday, not who someone else is today."
I love that! Comparing yourself to others is never fruitful...grass is always greener...
Isn’t he transphobic though?
Completely valid feelings Kev. I really believe some people are just ‘better’ at relationships than others. They decide early on that it’s what they want and they are open enough to accepting that their potential partner won’t exactly be everything that they are looking for. There’s a certain reality that comes with opening your life up to another person and some people are just more open to it than others. It takes a lot of hard work and commitment to have a successful relationship and there’s no stigma in not wanting that. There’s also nothing wrong with being Peter Pan if that’s what makes you happy too. Whether you’re in a relationship or not it’s about accepting that neither situation will be perfect but it will be perfect enough for you.
Yeah, I guess to use puzzle pieces as an analogy - some people are a more "compatible" piece - they can fit with more people - and some are more intricate & complex, but at times they can't fit together no matter how hard you try. We all have limited pieces we can bind with. Wow...that was a great metaphor 😂
@@KevenTalks that's one way of looking at it! At a very base level, a relationship is like any other aspect of your life such as your career, family, friends etc. It all requires a deep committment and desire to learn and grow. You only have so much energy to give so what is going to be your focus? You have to make a concerted effort to get a relationship if that's what you really want. Is it really what you want? If so, you need to go out and get it!
I think we're consistently exposed to the feelings we despise (fear, envy etc) because there are lessons that have to be taught to us. It seems you've found your answer in this particular situation and I'm happy for you.
However, in all honesty, and I have this "problem" with me too, dating is already complex (if you want the true fruits of it) but to an extent, as complex people, we make it more complex than it has to be. I know you're an overthinker like me, that's why I need a more "simple and straightforward" person who sees things for what they are to balance me out. IDK if that's how you feel, but as usual great video.
Yep, totally. It's something I think about often. Even with friendship- it's great sometimes to have casual, "easy" friendships that don't go too deep. Simple and carefree. But of course at times you crave something more complex - TOO complex though, and you're screwed. LOL. It's a balance I guess.
@@KevenTalks I agree there is a balance we need. Too bad I'll be an overthinker for life . Also I think you should make more videos about you as person (excluding racial and romantic issues etc) i personally really like those videos.
@@brandynlovett4054 Why excluding racial or romantic videos? lol those are specific requests haha
@@KevenTalks i just wanna hear more about you and what you like to do. A vid that doesn't revolve around an issue you may have this inane world. Not criticizing your content or anything lol. (I know you don't think that but I'm saying)
Kevin, this 68 year old single gay man just discovered your channel over the past weekend and I must tell you that I love watching your videos. I like how you think, I like your calm and articulate manner, and I really love your honesty about yourself and your feelings. Refreshing. Wishing you all the best possible in life!
Thanks so much!
So true. Spot on!
Thanks for watching as always :)
Just another day in a gay mans life 😭
🤷🏻♂️😅
Totally feel the same way keven, i’m 30 my mates have either got married or getting married some have even had a baby already, got the house and all that, i’m single and struggling to find someone. But i’d like the think us gay men are on no ones times, we can get married whenever we would like, adopt kids when we want etc etc🥰 i never felt like this in my 20s but my in my 30s it’s starting to happen were it’s like, they are starting to become proper adults, i still feel very young for my age.
"Us gay men are on no one's time...we can do those things when we want"
I love that mindset - so true!
Actually, I think that relationships are the only thing that matter in life. I know this sounds less supportive than I usually am. A bad or unfulfilling relationship is worse than no relationship. But we are social creatures, and complementarity is important. But we should not enter into a relationship only for the sake of a relationship. Does this make sense?
Yes. We are social creatures, thus we need social interaction. But one should also pursue relationships that complement them well. I understand what you're saying.
Absolutely!
I definitely relate to this. Especially since turning 30 almost as if I'm being forced down this heteronormative timeline😅
"heteronormative timeline" lollll
@@KevenTalks Man, I love those Americanism's!
Keep em coming! 😃
I think every gay guy including has similar fears and anxieties.
Yeah probably
Wedding bell blues! Lol Beware the siren’s call. Marriage is a lot of work!!
lol!
@@KevenTalks I’ve been there. A good marriage is the best thing that life can provide. A bad marriage is the exact opposite. Lots of risk involved!
Hi! Love your videos and your way of thinking, and even the title of this video was relatable haha
In my case, I do know (or at least I feel that I know lol) that I do want to be in a relationship by now, but not because I have fear of missing what my friends do or because I care if society thinks "I'm a loser" for being single, but because I'm a romantic person and not having had any romantic partner makes me sad; because I love living every day of my life like if it's the last one (it may help you getting over shyness and/or many fears haha) and then I think that if this day was my last day on Earth, I still wouldn't have a romantic partner to leave behind.
And I know that even the concept of "romantic partner" is something very complex, abstract, socially created, and diverse for every person; but it's a concept that I'm subjectively and really attracted to and looking forward experiencing to. Romantic life to me seems like a buffet where many people get to choose foods from and even find their ideal/favourite food for the rest of their lives (not me comparing romantic partners with food smh), while I never got to taste anything and it sometimes makes me sad to think I may never get to do it... Can somebody relate? What are your opinions? 🤔
Yes, I agree and understand. For those of us who are more partnership / romance-oriented, it's an even bigger challenge. I'm not sure how old you are but I will tell you that over time, that "longing" feeling for me has subsided. It's still there, but not as predominant and intense as it used to be in my early to mid twenties. So, I think as humans we adapt and are surprisingly malleable...and as gay men with these extra challenges of facing loneliness in a more heavy way, you end up having 2 options - obsessing over that "void" OR realizing the abundance of other great things in life you can find joy from, and if that romance ever comes along, then that's great, but really it's not a guarantee for any of us, heteros included :)
It's natural to want to relate to your friends. Part of relating to your friends is being in a similar place in life. So its understandable why you would feel like you are missing out on something. It's good that you figured out that you may not really want what they have. Some people get into relationships just so they won't be alone, but then the relationship is not a good one. I also think straight people have more pressure to be married by their 30s, especially women.
Totally
Don't you think this subject was a little too heavy to upload this early in the morning? Lol
No disrespect to your friends, but marriage and children does not mean "evolving". The issue comes down to two things: population and culture (mentality).
I have noticed that when you get closer to thirty, or passed thirty, marriage and pregnancy becomes common in your circle. As for queers, we don't seem to be blessed with it as much because of population; there aren't as many of us on the planet. Believe it or not, I have always felt that that is nature's biggest mistake: Creating a hundred sexual orientations, but 80% one way, and the rest not. If I had a choice between changing that and eliminating cancer, it would, actually, be the former. At least cancer teaches people valuable lessons. But, having so little LGBTQ people on the planet is very hard.
The second point, culture and mentality, is that straight people take marriage for granted because they never had to fight for it. That's why most straight couples are odd and tacky, and that's why the divorce rate is monstrously high along with the number of broken homes. Their so called "norm" is a train wreck. I mean, does a person having five children from three marriages, and add six abortions and miscarriages on top of that, sound anywhere near "normal"? It isn't. Many heterosexual people make bad decisions like settling with the wrong person out of the fear of being single, not using contraceptives, not paying child support, and all of those things on a very regular basis. Therefore, getting engaged or married is like us going to the club. It doesn't have much meaning for them because it's something they take for granted, they don't think about the consequences (especially children), and then there are their gender roles that reinforce this outrageous behaviour so that they don't appear "gay" or "not normal". So, what about any of that deserves excitement from us, especially gay men?
I swear, Keven, I never feel excited when I find out that one of my straight friends is in a new relationship or is getting married; I write down the date or time frame of when that relationship is going to end, and you'd be surprised how often I'm right. So, no, I don't think that you're a bad person or not supportive of your friends, it's that we live in a world where there aren't as many of us in the population, so that naturally decreases the chance of marriage for us, and that we also live in a world where it's "frightening for a man to love another man", but it's "normal" for people to get divorced five times because they don't know how to be selective with their life partners. Pitty.
Now, about straight women not talking to their friends while they're in a relationship, and then calling everyone after ages of silence once the relationship ends, that's a very, very separate subject that I have lots to say on, but I won't for now.
Cheers, tatlım. Be happy, and don't forget to keep calm and carry on. 😘
P. S.
One of the journal examples is a friend of mine who got divorced two years ago. She came to visit me with her mom one evening to tell me the news, so I brought out my journal and showed it to them as I said, "I know. I wrote it down before the wedding a few years ago." The looks on their faces were priceless. 🤣
For some odd reason, RUclips keeps deleting my comment. I sent it to you on Instagram. This annoys me because there was a man posting transphobic comments on my friend's channel without issues. It seems like RUclips has corrupt people working for the website.
Ugh yeah I don't know how their system works. I would say about 10-20% of comments on my videos get deleted before I can respond to them (I get the notifs, but then they don't show up)
@@KevenTalks I hats that. Oh, well. You have it in your Instagram message. 😊
I wonder how many gay people get married compared to staying single all there life because off the pressure off being gay is seen as a obstacle
Right, and you can ask the same question about straight people...I wonder how many people get married just out of fear / pressure. Based on current divorce rates, it must be pretty high.
@@KevenTalks and i think as i get older i like my own company ,maybe selfish do what i whant when i want
I not what you mean as you get older friends get married and you drift apart it’s life I’m afraid kevin
Keven, I understand what you're saying, but you are overanalysing it, in my opinion. If you fell in love with someone, really fell 'head over heels' in love, I mean, you wouldn't analyse the situation like that at all. All those questions you're asking yourself, you are asking yourself because it is not true love.
Yes, at the end of the day, you find time & make room for someone who compels you
@@KevenTalks In my experience, when you fall in love with someone, analysis goes out of the window! One is transported to seventh heaven! :-) Analysis is terrestrial; love, heavenly and divine! :-)
@@KevenTalks Keven, I have just re-read your reply. I must say that your choice of word , "compel", is a rather strange one in the context of love and relationships. Maybe it's me, but I have never thought of love, gay or straight, as being 'compelling'. I know exactly what you mean, but I find the choice of the word rather cold and calculating in reference to a love affair. I hope you don't ,ind my saying so. I'm am simply giving you some food for thought.
@@xelakram I guess I was using this definition: "to have a powerful and irresistible effect or influence" as in being "compelling" rather than something related to force or control.
But if you love me you'd stop analyzing ;)
@@KevenTalks Ha! Ha! What a great answer! Perhaps I was being naughty . :-) I'm glad you have taken my comment well. The last thing I wanted to do is upset you.
So this video is about you not being in love?
😞
Stuck in party phase? Just an inquiry
Me? Nope, not at all. If anything, the opposite. Stuck in non-party phase, lol.