My dad always says "People call me an asshole, so I act like an asshole." We know this chicken came before the egg, dad. You're the common denominator here.
This was my dad, and he actually got mad when my husband would defend me, because he loved my husband better than me. Before he passed, I told him, “you can’t plant onions and expect to make a strawberry shake. Go on ahead and drink that onion and garlic smoothie, cuz that’s all you planted.” I didn’t speak to him for years until my sister passed, then only occasionally afterwards. When he passed, he purposely left his money to my cousin who doesn’t need it, not even to his grandchildren which he wanted me to have some (I said absolutely not). I’m glad I held my ground. He passed away alone in his apartment being found by a cleaning person. He’d been married three times yet died alone. If you want a strawberry shake, don’t plant onions.
...and don't break your neck to pick those onions, blend them up, decide what glass you want to dirty, then be surprised when you go to drink it, and it tastes like shit. But men love to do this narc shit.
This is my parents. They would lock me up in my room to be ignored... from infancy to teens years. In high school, when I was finally brave enough to invite classmates, my friends would come by after school to hang out for even just a minute,... my parents would be vitriolic to them. Tearing them down until they left. They were jealous of me having friends over because it made them guilty that someone else was better to me than them. They drove away ALL of my friends to where I had none because they would scare them off. Then when I had no one like they wanted, they would ignore me again and chastise/taunt me when they needed to feel better about themselves. Saying things like "You have no friends..." As if they had nothing to do with literally scaring everyone. I moved out after HS and they've been alone in their hoarded out house for at least 5 winter holidays. They have 3 kids that are too busy for them and don't invite them to ANYTHING. I know they cry about it to the remaining few relatives, but yet those relatives don't visit either. They shaaat the bed, they can lie in it. I got my own family now. ❤
Meanwhile my 79 year old father calls me in August to start organizing a Christmas surprise for my mom.... Normally he'd do it himself but his health is really bad this year... He's a rare gem
I FINALLY realized how little my father and brother does for Christmas while my mother & I toil away for weeks. My Dad loudly complains that he has to look at the Christmas decorations, and it makes him grumpy despite not lifting a single finger to put them up not sounding a single thin dime on them. My mother told him flatly that when she’s gone he won’t have to deal with Christmas anymore, and she’s right. I’m not going to take on all that labor for his ungrateful self alone.
If we commit as a group to letting that free labor go, it is going to disrupt more than just households. We spend hundreds on making holiday dinner. My sister makes a 7 cheese macaroni that cost about $70 to make. Imagine no more trees, presents, outings, travel, pics with santa, family photos, greeting cards, wrapping paper.... that is so many industries that count on the holidays to drive that last quarter home. Imagine if women didn't care about buying the things others wanted. That makes advertising pointless. When you think about women moving as a group this way. It makes you understand how much power there is in women coming together for any task. We make or break holidays, spending, food consumption, travel, activities, fundraising, creative ideas, networking, and research. We do a lot.
We could pull a reverse Grinch Christmas. These ungrateful men r the grinches and we’re the Suzy Lou’s. Let’s quietly and calmly pull up all the pleasantries, gifts, foods and cheer that makes the wonder happen yet is never valued, acknowledged or reciprocated! Pack it all up and bounce! Sing in joy on Christmas Day.
🎯🎯 The economy is going to take a hit as women bow out of being the kin keeper, birthday planner, holiday magic maker, vacation organizer and all around appliance. No pretty cards, wrapping paper, decorations, trees, ornaments, shopping for and making special, elaborate meals for unappreciative family members.
My ex almost completely ignored our daughter. One time that still breaks my heart occurred when she was 4 years old. For xmas, I made her a purple fairy princess dress. My daughter crawled up on the bed where he was lying in order to watch a football game. She twirled and had a massive happy smile. He didn't even look at her and told her to get off the bed. Hate is a very strong word, but at that moment, I hated him. Shortly after that day I admitted he would never improve. Our daughter wasn't even worth 1 second worth of attention and I was an appliance. He wasn't angry when I filed for divorce. He already had #2 picked out. edit: When he was extremely ill and nearing d3ath, he called from the hospital crying. He obviously wanted some sympathy and wanted me to take our daughter to the hospital. She said, no. She wasn't interested in a "father" who had zero interest in her welfare.
Sounds just like my dad. As a kid I had reproduced a santa image I liked that was on a tiny sticker to poster size. All with cotton for his beard, cloth belt, glitter buckle, googly eyes... showed it to my dad and all he do is make that humpf sound.
A similar thing happened to me when I was 12 years old. I had never had my hair cut until then, and I was sick of it. It was (is) very curly, unruly and tangled easily, and it hurt when my mother combed it out, so I had it all cut off, pretty short. After the haircut, mom and I went to pick up my dad from his work. I was so proud of my haircut, so I ran into his work, and when he saw me, he (pointedly) wouldn’t even look at me. He didn’t say a word, either. He wouldn’t look at me for hours after that. That was a hurt so deep I’ll never forget it, and I’m an old woman now. It’s weird, because in so many other ways he was a terrific dad, but there were a couple of things he did like that that were never completely overcome by whatever goodness he showed me.
These stories are so sad. These creatures do not deserve any attention, love or affection. I’m glad his hospital tears didn’t bring your daughter running.
For some reason I have a feeling this is the last year women are going to go all out for the men and kids for the holidays. For the next couple of years. I can sense the ‘I’m done’ feeling from us collectively.
@@kaedatiger yes I would too in most cases, in some of the videos I see the teenagers are not even thoughtful enough to fill the stocking up or give a single present to their own mothers.
Sounds like my father. He wanted all the accolades for being the best father ever, but put in zero effort, abandoned us, then complained that we never reach out. I disowned him 6 years ago now. Peace.
My dad is like this too. He is mean and he treats people poorly and he wonders why people don’t visit him. He says things like, “I just don’t understand why all of my daughters and ex wives are afraid of me, there is no reason for it.” As he has gotten older and much weaker with health problems our fear has subsided, so I’ve started talking back to him for the first time in my life- in my 30s. I replied to his often asked question, “well the common denominator there is YOU.” And he just stared at me wide eyed like it didn’t compute. He only has daughters, and still says things like “only the male line matters” and his big excuse for the boomerang abandonment is “it would have been different if you were boys”
Next time he says it would have been different for boys tell him yea they wouldn't have waited for years to tell you what an ssahole you are and would have given you exactly as you gave others 😂😂😂. See how he takes it
lol my parents are like this. They say rude and critical things to my sister and I, then wonder why we don’t like being around them. I’m also in my 30’s, my sister is 10 years older than me. I lost my shit on them a few months ago, told my mom she was a narcissist. She also gave me a blank stare, as if I was stating something she already knew. For once, she didn’t have a smart ass come back 😂 I told her I feel bad for my sister and I having to grow up with her as a mom. Her response was “well I also wish I could have had different daughters.” I told her that even if she had 5 more kids, they’d all grow up either not liking her, or toxic like her, because it takes a mentally sane person to raise mentally sane children. Of course, she doesn’t get it… which is why I’m spending my Christmas away from them 🙃 I have my partner, so I’m not alone. But even if I was alone, I’d still rather spend Christmas away from them. I’d rather be alone and have peace, than around company that brings stress and anger.
I can 'predict' your future: as he gets weaker he'll try and guilt-trip you into taking care of him, as if he were an invalid. And the 'male line' won't be asked anything because they have to keep / make their money. Your savings will be for his old age. Run. If you can't run, pretend you don't have money and cry poverty EVERYTIME you see him. NEVER say how much money you have, he doesn't understand you have expenses. Never talk about money.
I wish people would bring back the energy of the Irish tradition of Women's Little Christmas. It happens on January 6th. For 2 days, women would go to the bar, get drunk and eat corned beef sandwiches. Then they would take whatever money they had left over from the year and buy THEMSELVES something nice. Maybe next year women can get together and do that for themselves with all their women family and friends. Let the men take over ALL the cooking and cleaning for those 2 days like the Irish did back in the day.
I like the idea. As long as it was the men actually doing those things and not just a "here, Mom, you take Mother's Day off and then clean up the mess we leave the day after." : D
@@judithholder2537 pretty much. If a man was caught cleaning in Irish tradition back in Ireland, he was teased for being an "auld woman". That's then, though. This is now. I'm not advocating for women to go back to being free housemaids for 363 days of the year. Especially since most women work nowadays in a job outside the home.
@@bluegreenglue6565 yes, it was considered the only acceptable time back in those days for men to be caught cooking and cleaning. Any other day of the year, he would be teased and called an "auld woman".
I will never forget how I went to a Christmas gathering on one side of my family and bought gifts. I didn't get nary a single thing. I don't like going to Christmas gatherings where people will be opening gifts knowing that I won't get anything. It feels crummy even if I should not expect anything.
Gosh.... this was so relatable it hurt. I went to an Xmas party on my Dad's side, I (a teenager with a minimum wage job) got gifts for almost everybody (10+ ppl.) I saw my Dad scramble away and come back with a terribly wrapped up gift. It stuck out like a sore thumb under the tree with all the other shiny, ornate, beautifully decorated gifts. When the gifts were distributed, I got the last minute ugly gift. We unwrapped our gifts in turns, so when it was my turn (I was the last one)... I unwrapped it. It was my book I had left in the car when he drove us up there. He explained (sheepishly) that he forgot to bring me a gift so he took my own property and wrapped it up so it at least looked like I got something. He announced this to the whole family! Like it wouldn't be humiliating. No one else thought that it was weird and even sided with my Dad that at least he tried. This man had money and time... what do you mean he tried? He didn’t even get his own kid a single present. Talk about not being seen or thought of. I said nothing, had a friend pick me up, and left unnoticed, without incident. I have not seen that side of the family since that event (the 90s.) It was the final straw. Whenever a funeral is announced, I won't show up. I never existed to them. None of them ever showed up for me when they saw the pure neglect and apathy. Can't cry for those that wouldn't cry for you. Some families are full of losers.
@@plinko84 yes I can relate. Don't show up for people who would not show up for you. That really was terrible for your family to do. I don't get invited to happy occasions but I am welcome to see the dead. For certain people who were there for me, I might send a bouquet. I asked about a new baby and I was shut down like I asked for name and Social.
A couple years back I was in a Facebook support group of friends that organized a gift exchange, and it was completely voluntary. And those who didn't want or couldn't afford to participate could opt out no issues. But we had a guy who signed up to participate, received his gift, and never sent one to his recipient! And when called out on it in a post reading "Hey you dropped the ball on Christmas! And you owe someone an apology" he actually responded with.... "oh I'm so sorry my crappy divorce is inconveniencing everyone! I didn't mean to bother you all with my broken heart! I guess I'll just remove myself from the group since I'm so evil and you all hate me so much".... He was 52 year old supposedly grown adult at the time!!
Omg I can’t imagine accepting a gift and not giving one! At the very bare bottom minimum pass along the gift you received the same day that is embarrassing for him.
@@moxmox8058 right? Np shame! Expected everyone to feel sorry for him! Dude... It's a support group, we're ALL going through some major 💩 in our lives, that's the whole point of the group! All he had to do was apologize and make amends... Not DARVO,
This story reminded me that I am very lucky to have a group of chosen family and friends that I cultivate, just like a garden. We celebrated Yule on Saturday night at my house. It was wonderful because everyone wanted to be there, and brought delicious food and drinks!
If my dad was still alive, and I had given him grandkids and moved out... I bet that's how our Christmas would've gone. He made no effort and barely spoke, just ate the food and went right back to sitting in front of the TV. Before he got too sick and couldn't eat, we'd be invited to others' homes. I hated going because I felt useless. He'd be in the living room talking with the men while I tried to stay out of the way in the kitchen (never was allowed to help), but couldn't hang out in the living room or with the guys because I'd get this look from him like "oh, it's talking again." Hours of awkwardness and boredom til I got fed up and one year I just spent the day at Starbucks with my notebooks and computer talking to strangers passing through. Became my holiday tradition for the next few. Our relationship was a lonely one. He kept a roof over my head and didn't want to be alone, but didn't want much human interaction, either. It's like it was enough that I was in the house, and then I was his caretaker for a big chunk of his last years. I was his "daughter appliance"; a fixture in the house he was used to and would get things from the store while I was out. We were like roommates who happened to share the same last name. And folks wonder why I don't date or plan to get married and have kids. Why would I? I feel less alone with my pets than I EVER have with someone supposed to be family.
One of My most important missions in life was to make sure my two children are very much close to each other like my siblings and I are not. My two kids have taught me what sibling relationship, is and reflects. They care for each other, lookout for each other, and they respect each other. My son has never ever put his hands on his sister like my brothers did to me when I was a child. Lord knows I don’t harbor any unforgiveness, but I’m not faking anything for anyone. 💯💯💯💯💯💯
Until he died, my step father in law made sure to make all of us miserable on christmas. He hated all of us, his wife included, and couldn't stand the thought of us enjoying ourselves. I already wasn't a fan of christmas but this caused me to feel nothing but dread for it even after he died. Now, I don't decorate, I don't dress up, and all of us survivors just do like one gift each. I call this time the Day of Dread. If it needs to be said, none of us did anything to that bastard to cause this.
This content is so affirming. My family issue is about my sister who is basically a NEET and how my whole family enables and won't have vulnerable or difficult conversations ever. I have really started distancing myself and honestly seeing her type of behavior discussed thru a gendered lens (NEET, hobosexual etc) has allowed me to see how effed up it is that we are expected to cater to it. I've stopped enabling and have established clear boundaries with my mom. It feels so freeing to stop using my emotional labor in an unreciprocated and thankless way. She is not helpless. She is entitled and lazy. I have told her that unless she is well into therapy and wants to make amends, we no longer have a close relationship, and I will just be going through the motions going forward. While I don't exactly feel festive this year, I don't feel dread or resentment and holy crap that is a win for me!
I wouldn't explain myself to adult males. If they don't organize holiday dinners and get togethers, then they won't have anything to enjoy. Some of my favorite holiday donners and lunches have been with my outdoorsy Black women friends and other outdoor community because they were all collaborative events!!
I was just having this conversation with my grandmother, who has always stressed so bad around these hoe-ass holidays. I told her to RELAX & tag the men in. She laughed but I couldn’t have been more serious. We are getting to a point where the next generation (being mine) would be the ones organizing & hosting things, but it’s just all very different. I been had this attitude of why do the women always do so much and the men just consume & gather. I been disgusted, been over it, been wanted my auntie & grandma to take a break. Shake that load off & put it on the men & like stated, if nothing happens, or yall decide we having toast & whatever else yall come up with then so be it 🤷🏽♀️ stress for whaaaaaat
If you say, we women have done it for years and it’s your men’s turn, you’re inviting weaponized incompetence and it’ll be a huge bad memory. What you do is, early on like Labor Day, you say, WHO wants to participate this Christmas? And only those people who say yes, I want to participate in Christmas, get invited for presents and/or food. Anybody who doesn’t care for presents gets excused from that and it’ll be all joy as the ladies have fun with presents. Whoever won’t bring a dish or bottle of wine or something, can make themselves a tv dinner at home that day. The ladies can enjoy nice home cooked food with each other. Don’t try to make men do holiday stuff, we all know what determined aholes they can be so don’t set them up to ruin it for everyone. Buy paper plates. Cut down on the work. Don’t let your dashed expectations affect another Christmas, change your expectations and who cares if men don’t participate, they’re not the fun ones, frankly.
@@elle.roiproductions ✨💐🎯 I’m sorry ur alone for Xmas 🎄 Me too, I’m going to be alone also! I am going to do my own “SPA” day here at home 🏡 in PEACE ☮️ And eat ice cream 🍨 too 🩵💙
@@elle.roiproductions I chose not to have children, I'm divorced, and I have no living family. I spend every Xmas alone. It used to be a time for me to cry and feel sorry for myself, but no longer. I'm just spending the holidays gaming and snuggling my dog. I slept in this morning, then took her for a walk at the local nature preserve, which was blissfully deserted. I have short ribs about to go into the oven low and slow. I have my favorite video game waiting for me. Oh, and I bought all the ingredients to make myself a white Russian later. Good times!
I’m married, no children (on purpose), but essentially spend Christmas (and every other holiday, as well as birthdays) “alone” because my husband absolutely hates anything to do with holidays, or “special” days (I don’t really understand why, other than that he is lazy and doesn’t want to put ANY effort, even mental, into them). I used to decorate just for myself, but he “doesn’t like it” (probably because it reminds him of what he’s *not* doing), so I quit doing that, too. He spends his days on his video game, so I spend doing my day doing whatever I would usually do anyway, hobbies reading, etc. It’s amazing how lonely a woman can feel even when they’re living full-time with a “partner”. He doesn’t like buying presents either (obviously), so he can get himself whatever he wants (like he always has), but because I always earned much less, I make him give me money so I can get myself whatever I want, and that has been working well for us, just slightly less “fun”, but at least I know I’ll be getting what I want.
So, I DEF relate to the first story, and *_big_* emphasis on being more than a "daughter" dutifully performing tasks. My child abandoner father has been *on* me recently, waxing poetically about how he wants me to visit for the holidays. I know that he is only asking because his adult children are in another state, and his wife started leaving to be w/them on the holidays, leaving him alone. He has never really gone out of his way to welcome me over there, so I suspect he just feels "lonely." 🙄😒😒 Regardless, I am not interested in staying at his home, popping by to see him, or anything of the sort. First of all, I'm certain it will be the exact dark, boring, snore-fest OP described, but also, this is the same man who missed birthdays, graduations, and fought with me constantly all throughout my adolescence in the wake of my mother's passing - all from another state! I never lived with him at any point in my life that I can recall, and he has directly told me he intends for me to be his hospice care child in old age (I think his other daughter bailed 😂). Would you imagine he doesn't understand why I keep declining? 😂😂😂 The lack of self-awareness of these ppl will leave your flabbers _gasted_ every time! But me being petty, I think I'll call tomorrow and check to see if he really is alone, and I'll feel no guilt if I get some holiday cheer out of it 😂😂😂 This guy ran off the family he actually bothered to raise, and now he needs the spare? LOL, nuh-uh! Get someone else to do it 🤣🤣 Cheers! 🎊🎄🎄🎊
This resonated. I sent 42 cards this year and received 0. Sent gifts to 16 people - only 3 are kids, 13 were adults, received 0. I will be re-evaluating next year. Sad that my platonic “friends” and family let me down just as bad as my abusive exes. I’ll be waking up tomorrow to no gifts. It is what it is. Maybe next year I’ll take myself on a cruise like i always wanted. Pray for me to find a higher steady income so i can be more independent and leave these people in the dust.
I remember all of my nieces & nephews & their children for birthdays, Xmas, Easter = 21 people. I received 2 cards for my birthday & 2 presents for Xmas. Same 2, lovely women. My will will b divided for those 2 with tokens for the remainder.
Since some restaurants are actually open on Christmas, plan with the other ladies to go out to eat there and do a gift exchange. Also, to show appreciation to whoever ends up serving you, on top of a large tip it would be great if you all pool money together to bring an extra gift, something unisex. It would be a nice gesture to show appreciation for them working on a major holiday.
That's what we're doing this year. Men 'don't Care'? This holiday myself & my ladies are each making a dish, meeting at my place, & doing dinner & gifts ourselves. We just weren't willing to have Another holiday ruined, & didn't want to feel bad for the holidays again. Only 1 of us is even in a relationship anymore, we're leaving family out of it too. Enjoy Your Holiday Beautifuls 🥰🎄
Somehow a whole lot of people think that big dinner and big dessert and all the appetizers and sweets and everything else just magically makes itself. The reality is those wonderful donuts take an entire night after working all day to make. Those 2 pies for the big meal take half a day to make and clean up after, the meal itself is another full day and then 2 hours to clean up after, and all those nice treats you have over a 4 day span take 2 weeks to make in what little "free" time that's available. Don't forget the whole deal about shopping and wrapping too ... "But honey, I never know what to get my parents, my coworkers or my boss and I suck at wrapping. Do you really want me to look bad?"
I don’t do holidays.All the women on my husbands side are mammies and the men are all redpill,all the convos are shallow. Most of them don’t even like me or eachother. 😂 I can’t do FAKE and My family is dispersed.
Pretty much the same with me. There are no longer any get-togethers. My family, such as it is, is all in the other side of the country, and husband’s family, local, don’t much like us and we don’t much like them (most of them are super religious/evangelical and we’re agnostic/atheist). As you say, I don’t do fake.
I am glad she sees the truth about the whole situation because a lot of people would be fooled and quilt tricked and they still think that behaviour is normal. "That is just the way he is" they would say. Or "But he is your father". This is the king baby type of father. He expects her to be all over, doing averything, taking care of his every whim and when she does not do that he judges her. Yea, that is true "love" of a father. Seeing her as servant who should put even more effort because is it Christmas. Now he is alone and does not like that, someone should be by his side while he sleeps !? That is her Christmas ? Wtf.
This makes me happy that women are choosing themes. I was surprised to do a friendgiving xmas but they're sick so it'll just be me. I have support and phone calls for that. Great content
The more I see and read the more I miss my Daddy! Dammit let me go hug my Mommy too! I was really blessed with the parents I have (even with their mistakes) and after all the loss we experienced last year/the beginning of this year I'm treasuring this time with my Mom too. To everyone Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy Kwanzaa! Burb, thank you for all that you do and I'm glad I found your channel because I finally understand that for all these years I was a Black Feminist.
I'm a lucky one. My husband helps decorate the tree, he cooks or helps cook. Tonight we purchased tamales but he steameed them and warmed up beans. Tomorrow he's making the ham, and I'll make the sides. He helps with the dishes and never makes me feel overwhelmed with doing things alone while he watches t.v. Imo, Christmas is a family/team effort, not a one man (woman) show.
My husband did Christmas this year. I was just as surprised as my child and my secret Santa’s when those gifts were opened. I told him that I’m mentally exhausted and that he’s gonna have step up. This year He planned our son’s birthday party, did Christmas, hired someone to help clean, and even made his own dentist appt for the first time ever. I’ve been telling him for years, but this year I actually executed. It was basically if you don’t step up it won’t get done. I told him his life’s manager is retiring and she’s willing to teach before she goes, but if you don’t learn now, you’re gonna have to figure it out alone.
I'm glad the first lady is being her father's karma😂😂😂. Also he should be glad she prefers to not go home. He doesn't like people going over anyway so he should snore away knowing nobody's coming to disturb him sleeping. She's giving him exactly what he wanted and now that the shoe is on the other foot he doesn't like it being done to him? Color me surprised 🙄🙄🙄
Happy and Restful Holidays to you Burb! Thank you for all of the work that you do in keeping us connected and informed. I've turned several people on to your page and all of them love it!!
So the dad did put on a xmas party.... when she wasnt around... for her male cousins i presume? But when shes there... no party. Maybe he expects her to put on a party for him?
Yeah once again I decided not to go visit anyone either I feel like this is the first time in a long time I had time to myself being left alone is a gift I would never want to return. Be generous and send your loved ones money but don't make them feel guilty for not wanting to hang out. They really guilt trip women during the holiday season men. My ex wa like this too. I feel bad for not hanging out with him but I'm tired of getting played at the end of the year I don't want to wake up with a hangover or with some guy asleep on my arm snoring I don't hate them I just can't do it. When they voted for trump it was like tearing a hole into the hearts of millions of women and children. It's going to be very hard to forgive them.
We will see those that took advantage and exploited thr others kindness experience the void left by those that over give. Enjoy pouting into yourself as takers and energy thieves have no limits.
I just watched s video, where a man was claiming since he's in a new a era in life [divorced older new job and dif mindset new marriage] he feels his daughter needs to get over him but being with the mother claiming she's toxic and fused her, time her not my problem go to counseling. 😢. I'm sorry he said it like he did. He could've said let's go to counseling together but darn. It's crazy how they throw the children away after getting into new relationships.
Im def taking our christmas for granted then. 4 people contributed to food and so on. washing machine worked overtime the whole day but at least no one had to start cleaning up anything by hand. mom didnt even have to think about the tree, brother and sister-in-law set that one up and are gonna clean it up after new years.
I've spent many of my holidays alone out of choice. Both sides of my family aren't just not warm and welcoming. I'm just supposed to be there because its a holiday. My parents are self-centered anyway, so pretending to be ok with things as someone with AuADHD is exhausting.
At least she has been at a traditional Xmas dinner, I am yet to be at one because before dad remarried he would leave my brother, cousin and I at home and disappear for the night. When we, my brother and I lived at my mum's they had family get together but it became tiresome because you spent most of the time cooking or serving. Then there was the silly remarks for attending every year on your own as opposed to those who had a different partner every year. Cooking and cleaning with no appreciation until I and others just stopped turning up. The guys just turned up and eat and drank to their hearts content and did nothing else. They still hold the family party but with a fewer number of people and i am glad not to be there. I now enjoy Xmas my own way.
Not to side with the dad but he does sound like he might be on the spectrum or have clinical depression and was never diagnosed. He sounds a lot like my mom. They self isolate, push ppl away and only does things on her terms. It's away to control their aniexty. With that being said. It's not the daughters responsibility. She doesnt have to enable the behavior that causes harm to her and himself.
That's what I thought, he sounds extremely depressed and introverted. It's no excuse to not pay attention to other's feelings and mature over time, but it explains a lot. I went through a phase similar to that in my twenties after moving out due to bad experiences in my childhood but I got therapy snd forced myself to be more social.
Has there been a conversation about who is PAYING for Christmas... idk who it is but im gonna go out on a limb here and say the people buying the gifts and the decor are the women.
For the third lady, she needs to convince the other women first. And avoid gendered language "We women did the organizing, you men, etc" to lessen the tantrum. She needs to remind people that everything changes and the old tradition isn't appreciated anymore, so why not take a break the next year? It must be decided beforehand, otherwise the lazy will assert how much they do appreciate free labor. And some will do that labor no matter what. See which parts the group actually misses and which are they secretly relieved to not do. If anyone objects, invite them to do their own Christmas style. But the others are taking a break. Maybe do that potluck dinner. Pass a hat to the participants for a Secret Santa. (Or don't. I hate gift giving. I'd be happier with a "Give a potted plant!" themed gifting ritual. Less stress picking. It could be a fancy flower for planting outside, a houseplant, or an herb to slowly kill. 😅 I just got a tiny rosemary bush..its like a Christmas tree you can eat!)
Not everybody likes gardening or plants, though. I would hate being given a plant. A Useless gift for me. Plants are what YOU like, so you’re just trying to Impose plants on everyone else.
I just buy the treats that I want to eat, minimalistic decorations and listen to nostalgic songs on RUclips like 'Ride with me' Yeah Nelly is a scrote but he made a song that slaps. My kittens got their gifts before Christmas came and they are napping and using the carpet as a scratch post. A peace men and kids will never create for me better than this.
I think the reclusive father may have social anxiety or be neurodivergent in some way. Or possibly both. I'm glad OP found a mutually-agreeable way to socialize by having coffee once a month at a place convenient for him. Some people just can't handle high levels of engagement, but they do want *some* engagement.
It's a poor excuse though. He can celebrate how he wants, but he shouldn't expect others to join him, and especially use guilt tripping. At that point, it's entitlement. Plus, there is an extreme double standard between how we accomodate ND men vs women. (I'm ND myself.)
Instead of putting on a massive one time spread for everyone for the Holidays, might want to stock up on food staples that will make many meals and buy shoes/coats for the family. Get prepared for financial distress.
Tag, you guys are it! “What does that mean? You guys are organizing everything next year!” And we appreciate it. Then, don’t do anything, or organize a ladies trip.
The first story: there's obviously lots of different things at play here, but as an autistic person, my mind seemed to jump to the idea that the way he operates seems a little bit on the spectrum. People, and visitors, and change, and environments that we can't control lead to a lot of avoidance that doesn't make sense and does lead to us being alone and wondering why. The fact that he won't go anywhere but to a coffee shop near his home, avoids strangers and guests, and his idea of spending time together being so indirect... just give me that impression. However that does not mean that her feelings aren't valid or that there isn't room for improvement on his part when it comes to relationships and making connections.
Also if you've been trying to build relationships with family and they aren't having it their actions show they don't want you or their words do or your the scapegoat you do not need to keep trying if you've done it more then once and noticed this pattern it's ok to do other things without them. You being alone cuz your family are assholes won't be for long as you build other connections outside them.
@@BurbNBougie oh, I see. Thanks for letting me know. I guess I’ll have to check from time to time whether I’m still subscribed to my favorite channels.
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
My dad always says "People call me an asshole, so I act like an asshole." We know this chicken came before the egg, dad. You're the common denominator here.
This was my dad, and he actually got mad when my husband would defend me, because he loved my husband better than me. Before he passed, I told him, “you can’t plant onions and expect to make a strawberry shake. Go on ahead and drink that onion and garlic smoothie, cuz that’s all you planted.” I didn’t speak to him for years until my sister passed, then only occasionally afterwards. When he passed, he purposely left his money to my cousin who doesn’t need it, not even to his grandchildren which he wanted me to have some (I said absolutely not). I’m glad I held my ground. He passed away alone in his apartment being found by a cleaning person. He’d been married three times yet died alone. If you want a strawberry shake, don’t plant onions.
Good for you! I love that phrase btw!
...and don't break your neck to pick those onions, blend them up, decide what glass you want to dirty, then be surprised when you go to drink it, and it tastes like shit. But men love to do this narc shit.
You made my mom and I LAUUUUGGGHHHHH from your saying! Thank you for giving us this Christmas gift ❤
@@elle.roiproductions I get that from my momma 🤗
Wasted his life being ornery and contrary 😂! You handled him very well!!
Narcissism: you need to be there for them, so they have someone they can ignore.
@michelledavidson1781. Or gaslight
Well said!
This is my parents. They would lock me up in my room to be ignored... from infancy to teens years. In high school, when I was finally brave enough to invite classmates, my friends would come by after school to hang out for even just a minute,... my parents would be vitriolic to them. Tearing them down until they left. They were jealous of me having friends over because it made them guilty that someone else was better to me than them. They drove away ALL of my friends to where I had none because they would scare them off. Then when I had no one like they wanted, they would ignore me again and chastise/taunt me when they needed to feel better about themselves. Saying things like "You have no friends..." As if they had nothing to do with literally scaring everyone.
I moved out after HS and they've been alone in their hoarded out house for at least 5 winter holidays. They have 3 kids that are too busy for them and don't invite them to ANYTHING. I know they cry about it to the remaining few relatives, but yet those relatives don't visit either.
They shaaat the bed, they can lie in it. I got my own family now. ❤
@@plinko84 Hurray. 🎉🎉
❤❤
@@plinko84good for you! Yay!
Meanwhile my 79 year old father calls me in August to start organizing a Christmas surprise for my mom.... Normally he'd do it himself but his health is really bad this year... He's a rare gem
I have brothers who cherish their wives.❤
Ahhhh that’s sweet. 😊
That is so wonderful... an example of what all people should aspire to!
I FINALLY realized how little my father and brother does for Christmas while my mother & I toil away for weeks. My Dad loudly complains that he has to look at the Christmas decorations, and it makes him grumpy despite not lifting a single finger to put them up not sounding a single thin dime on them. My mother told him flatly that when she’s gone he won’t have to deal with Christmas anymore, and she’s right. I’m not going to take on all that labor for his ungrateful self alone.
And that’s when he might actually care, ironically
Sounds like dad may be getting divorce papers for Christmas! 😄😄😄
If we commit as a group to letting that free labor go, it is going to disrupt more than just households. We spend hundreds on making holiday dinner. My sister makes a 7 cheese macaroni that cost about $70 to make. Imagine no more trees, presents, outings, travel, pics with santa, family photos, greeting cards, wrapping paper.... that is so many industries that count on the holidays to drive that last quarter home. Imagine if women didn't care about buying the things others wanted. That makes advertising pointless. When you think about women moving as a group this way. It makes you understand how much power there is in women coming together for any task. We make or break holidays, spending, food consumption, travel, activities, fundraising, creative ideas, networking, and research. We do a lot.
We could pull a reverse Grinch Christmas. These ungrateful men r the grinches and we’re the Suzy Lou’s. Let’s quietly and calmly pull up all the pleasantries, gifts, foods and cheer that makes the wonder happen yet is never valued, acknowledged or reciprocated! Pack it all up and bounce! Sing in joy on Christmas Day.
Why do women even care about holidays? I never have.
🎯🎯 The economy is going to take a hit as women bow out of being the kin keeper, birthday planner, holiday magic maker, vacation organizer and all around appliance. No pretty cards, wrapping paper, decorations, trees, ornaments, shopping for and making special, elaborate meals for unappreciative family members.
@@mjackson3109 I'm ROOTING for this future!!
This year my kids and I made all of our winter gifts and cards throughout the year. We're giving to the ones who prioritize us and our family.
My ex almost completely ignored our daughter. One time that still breaks my heart occurred when she was 4 years old. For xmas, I made her a purple fairy princess dress. My daughter crawled up on the bed where he was lying in order to watch a football game. She twirled and had a massive happy smile. He didn't even look at her and told her to get off the bed. Hate is a very strong word, but at that moment, I hated him. Shortly after that day I admitted he would never improve. Our daughter wasn't even worth 1 second worth of attention and I was an appliance.
He wasn't angry when I filed for divorce. He already had #2 picked out.
edit: When he was extremely ill and nearing d3ath, he called from the hospital crying. He obviously wanted some sympathy and wanted me to take our daughter to the hospital. She said, no. She wasn't interested in a "father" who had zero interest in her welfare.
How old was your daughter when she said that?
The audacity!!
Sounds just like my dad. As a kid I had reproduced a santa image I liked that was on a tiny sticker to poster size. All with cotton for his beard, cloth belt, glitter buckle, googly eyes... showed it to my dad and all he do is make that humpf sound.
A similar thing happened to me when I was 12 years old. I had never had my hair cut until then, and I was sick of it. It was (is) very curly, unruly and tangled easily, and it hurt when my mother combed it out, so I had it all cut off, pretty short. After the haircut, mom and I went to pick up my dad from his work. I was so proud of my haircut, so I ran into his work, and when he saw me, he (pointedly) wouldn’t even look at me. He didn’t say a word, either. He wouldn’t look at me for hours after that. That was a hurt so deep I’ll never forget it, and I’m an old woman now. It’s weird, because in so many other ways he was a terrific dad, but there were a couple of things he did like that that were never completely overcome by whatever goodness he showed me.
These stories are so sad. These creatures do not deserve any attention, love or affection. I’m glad his hospital tears didn’t bring your daughter running.
For some reason I have a feeling this is the last year women are going to go all out for the men and kids for the holidays. For the next couple of years. I can sense the ‘I’m done’ feeling from us collectively.
Why women ever "went all out" in the first place is a mystery to me. I never cared about the holidays.
@ honestly same, once I sense the energy isn’t matching. I instantly don’t care no more. 😂🤷🏽♀️
I would still do stuff for the kids. Adults can buy their own stuff though.
@@kaedatiger yes I would too in most cases, in some of the videos I see the teenagers are not even thoughtful enough to fill the stocking up or give a single present to their own mothers.
Sounds like my father. He wanted all the accolades for being the best father ever, but put in zero effort, abandoned us, then complained that we never reach out. I disowned him 6 years ago now. Peace.
My dad is like this too. He is mean and he treats people poorly and he wonders why people don’t visit him. He says things like, “I just don’t understand why all of my daughters and ex wives are afraid of me, there is no reason for it.” As he has gotten older and much weaker with health problems our fear has subsided, so I’ve started talking back to him for the first time in my life- in my 30s. I replied to his often asked question, “well the common denominator there is YOU.” And he just stared at me wide eyed like it didn’t compute. He only has daughters, and still says things like “only the male line matters” and his big excuse for the boomerang abandonment is “it would have been different if you were boys”
Next time he says it would have been different for boys tell him yea they wouldn't have waited for years to tell you what an ssahole you are and would have given you exactly as you gave others 😂😂😂. See how he takes it
WOW!
lol my parents are like this. They say rude and critical things to my sister and I, then wonder why we don’t like being around them. I’m also in my 30’s, my sister is 10 years older than me. I lost my shit on them a few months ago, told my mom she was a narcissist. She also gave me a blank stare, as if I was stating something she already knew. For once, she didn’t have a smart ass come back 😂 I told her I feel bad for my sister and I having to grow up with her as a mom. Her response was “well I also wish I could have had different daughters.” I told her that even if she had 5 more kids, they’d all grow up either not liking her, or toxic like her, because it takes a mentally sane person to raise mentally sane children. Of course, she doesn’t get it… which is why I’m spending my Christmas away from them 🙃 I have my partner, so I’m not alone. But even if I was alone, I’d still rather spend Christmas away from them. I’d rather be alone and have peace, than around company that brings stress and anger.
Yea leave him alone
I can 'predict' your future: as he gets weaker he'll try and guilt-trip you into taking care of him, as if he were an invalid. And the 'male line' won't be asked anything because they have to keep / make their money. Your savings will be for his old age. Run. If you can't run, pretend you don't have money and cry poverty EVERYTIME you see him. NEVER say how much money you have, he doesn't understand you have expenses. Never talk about money.
I wish people would bring back the energy of the Irish tradition of Women's Little Christmas. It happens on January 6th.
For 2 days, women would go to the bar, get drunk and eat corned beef sandwiches. Then they would take whatever money they had left over from the year and buy THEMSELVES something nice.
Maybe next year women can get together and do that for themselves with all their women family and friends.
Let the men take over ALL the cooking and cleaning for those 2 days like the Irish did back in the day.
I like the idea. As long as it was the men actually doing those things and not just a "here, Mom, you take Mother's Day off and then clean up the mess we leave the day after." : D
I love this!❤
TWO DAYS women get?! Men get 363?!
@@judithholder2537 pretty much. If a man was caught cleaning in Irish tradition back in Ireland, he was teased for being an "auld woman".
That's then, though. This is now.
I'm not advocating for women to go back to being free housemaids for 363 days of the year. Especially since most women work nowadays in a job outside the home.
@@bluegreenglue6565 yes, it was considered the only acceptable time back in those days for men to be caught cooking and cleaning.
Any other day of the year, he would be teased and called an "auld woman".
I will never forget how I went to a Christmas gathering on one side of my family and bought gifts. I didn't get nary a single thing.
I don't like going to Christmas gatherings where people will be opening gifts knowing that I won't get anything. It feels crummy even if I should not expect anything.
Gosh.... this was so relatable it hurt. I went to an Xmas party on my Dad's side, I (a teenager with a minimum wage job) got gifts for almost everybody (10+ ppl.) I saw my Dad scramble away and come back with a terribly wrapped up gift. It stuck out like a sore thumb under the tree with all the other shiny, ornate, beautifully decorated gifts. When the gifts were distributed, I got the last minute ugly gift. We unwrapped our gifts in turns, so when it was my turn (I was the last one)... I unwrapped it. It was my book I had left in the car when he drove us up there. He explained (sheepishly) that he forgot to bring me a gift so he took my own property and wrapped it up so it at least looked like I got something. He announced this to the whole family! Like it wouldn't be humiliating. No one else thought that it was weird and even sided with my Dad that at least he tried. This man had money and time... what do you mean he tried? He didn’t even get his own kid a single present. Talk about not being seen or thought of. I said nothing, had a friend pick me up, and left unnoticed, without incident.
I have not seen that side of the family since that event (the 90s.) It was the final straw. Whenever a funeral is announced, I won't show up. I never existed to them. None of them ever showed up for me when they saw the pure neglect and apathy. Can't cry for those that wouldn't cry for you. Some families are full of losers.
@@plinko84 yes I can relate. Don't show up for people who would not show up for you. That really was terrible for your family to do.
I don't get invited to happy occasions but I am welcome to see the dead. For certain people who were there for me, I might send a bouquet.
I asked about a new baby and I was shut down like I asked for name and Social.
A couple years back I was in a Facebook support group of friends that organized a gift exchange, and it was completely voluntary.
And those who didn't want or couldn't afford to participate could opt out no issues.
But we had a guy who signed up to participate, received his gift, and never sent one to his recipient!
And when called out on it in a post reading "Hey you dropped the ball on Christmas!
And you owe someone an apology" he actually responded with....
"oh I'm so sorry my crappy divorce is inconveniencing everyone!
I didn't mean to bother you all with my broken heart!
I guess I'll just remove myself from the group since I'm so evil and you all hate me so much"....
He was 52 year old supposedly grown adult at the time!!
…aaaand theres the reason he’s divorced.
Omg I can’t imagine accepting a gift and not giving one! At the very bare bottom minimum pass along the gift you received the same day that is embarrassing for him.
@@moxmox8058 right?
Np shame!
Expected everyone to feel sorry for him!
Dude...
It's a support group, we're ALL going through some major 💩 in our lives, that's the whole point of the group!
All he had to do was apologize and make amends...
Not DARVO,
@@Sp4c3G195y Yuuuuuup!!!
If telling on himself was a person 😂😂😂
This story reminded me that I am very lucky to have a group of chosen family and friends that I cultivate, just like a garden.
We celebrated Yule on Saturday night at my house. It was wonderful because everyone wanted to be there, and brought delicious food and drinks!
Have a blessed Yule!
Thanks for sharing!
My family group will all gather for a day by the pool with cold cuts, salads cheese & fruit. The men contribute & it's very relaxed. 🇦🇺😎
I love that. ❤️
If my dad was still alive, and I had given him grandkids and moved out... I bet that's how our Christmas would've gone. He made no effort and barely spoke, just ate the food and went right back to sitting in front of the TV.
Before he got too sick and couldn't eat, we'd be invited to others' homes. I hated going because I felt useless. He'd be in the living room talking with the men while I tried to stay out of the way in the kitchen (never was allowed to help), but couldn't hang out in the living room or with the guys because I'd get this look from him like "oh, it's talking again." Hours of awkwardness and boredom til I got fed up and one year I just spent the day at Starbucks with my notebooks and computer talking to strangers passing through. Became my holiday tradition for the next few.
Our relationship was a lonely one. He kept a roof over my head and didn't want to be alone, but didn't want much human interaction, either. It's like it was enough that I was in the house, and then I was his caretaker for a big chunk of his last years. I was his "daughter appliance"; a fixture in the house he was used to and would get things from the store while I was out. We were like roommates who happened to share the same last name. And folks wonder why I don't date or plan to get married and have kids. Why would I? I feel less alone with my pets than I EVER have with someone supposed to be family.
One of My most important missions in life was to make sure my two children are very much close to each other like my siblings and I are not.
My two kids have taught me what sibling relationship, is and reflects. They care for each other, lookout for each other, and they respect each other.
My son has never ever put his hands on his sister like my brothers did to me when I was a child.
Lord knows I don’t harbor any unforgiveness, but I’m not faking anything for anyone. 💯💯💯💯💯💯
We need to start giving these men feedback so that they stop playing the victim and start taking accountability.
Accountability is those with Less power . We as the forces of nature we are need to start taking our power back
Happy to write google review on every single man in my life
How about we give them silence and alone time instead?
@@teresamagnusson Now THAT is a Christmas gift. 😂
@@andreavantzet1962Agreed!!!
Until he died, my step father in law made sure to make all of us miserable on christmas. He hated all of us, his wife included, and couldn't stand the thought of us enjoying ourselves. I already wasn't a fan of christmas but this caused me to feel nothing but dread for it even after he died. Now, I don't decorate, I don't dress up, and all of us survivors just do like one gift each. I call this time the Day of Dread.
If it needs to be said, none of us did anything to that bastard to cause this.
This content is so affirming. My family issue is about my sister who is basically a NEET and how my whole family enables and won't have vulnerable or difficult conversations ever. I have really started distancing myself and honestly seeing her type of behavior discussed thru a gendered lens (NEET, hobosexual etc) has allowed me to see how effed up it is that we are expected to cater to it. I've stopped enabling and have established clear boundaries with my mom. It feels so freeing to stop using my emotional labor in an unreciprocated and thankless way. She is not helpless. She is entitled and lazy. I have told her that unless she is well into therapy and wants to make amends, we no longer have a close relationship, and I will just be going through the motions going forward. While I don't exactly feel festive this year, I don't feel dread or resentment and holy crap that is a win for me!
I wouldn't explain myself to adult males. If they don't organize holiday dinners and get togethers, then they won't have anything to enjoy. Some of my favorite holiday donners and lunches have been with my outdoorsy Black women friends and other outdoor community because they were all collaborative events!!
“Let these men hold onto their own nutz.” I love that! Words to live by.
Hey, BurbNBougie tribe! Y'all be safe in these streets!
You too, Hun 💝
I was just having this conversation with my grandmother, who has always stressed so bad around these hoe-ass holidays. I told her to RELAX & tag the men in. She laughed but I couldn’t have been more serious. We are getting to a point where the next generation (being mine) would be the ones organizing & hosting things, but it’s just all very different. I been had this attitude of why do the women always do so much and the men just consume & gather. I been disgusted, been over it, been wanted my auntie & grandma to take a break. Shake that load off & put it on the men & like stated, if nothing happens, or yall decide we having toast & whatever else yall come up with then so be it 🤷🏽♀️ stress for whaaaaaat
If you say, we women have done it for years and it’s your men’s turn, you’re inviting weaponized incompetence and it’ll be a huge bad memory. What you do is, early on like Labor Day, you say, WHO wants to participate this Christmas? And only those people who say yes, I want to participate in Christmas, get invited for presents and/or food. Anybody who doesn’t care for presents gets excused from that and it’ll be all joy as the ladies have fun with presents. Whoever won’t bring a dish or bottle of wine or something, can make themselves a tv dinner at home that day. The ladies can enjoy nice home cooked food with each other. Don’t try to make men do holiday stuff, we all know what determined aholes they can be so don’t set them up to ruin it for everyone. Buy paper plates. Cut down on the work. Don’t let your dashed expectations affect another Christmas, change your expectations and who cares if men don’t participate, they’re not the fun ones, frankly.
I would honestly organize a holiday getaway... just for the ladies.
Why do I feel that so much
Make it opt in only- that is the way
Thanks, pls keep the holiday content coming for all of us really struggling right now.
Will do!!
Yes! I often spend xmas alone because i'm estranged from my family and my son visits his grandparents with his dad. I need to find my tribe
@@elle.roiproductions ✨💐🎯
I’m sorry ur alone for Xmas 🎄
Me too, I’m going to be alone also! I am going to do my own “SPA” day here at home 🏡 in PEACE ☮️
And eat ice cream 🍨 too 🩵💙
@@elle.roiproductions I chose not to have children, I'm divorced, and I have no living family. I spend every Xmas alone. It used to be a time for me to cry and feel sorry for myself, but no longer. I'm just spending the holidays gaming and snuggling my dog. I slept in this morning, then took her for a walk at the local nature preserve, which was blissfully deserted. I have short ribs about to go into the oven low and slow. I have my favorite video game waiting for me. Oh, and I bought all the ingredients to make myself a white Russian later. Good times!
I’m married, no children (on purpose), but essentially spend Christmas (and every other holiday, as well as birthdays) “alone” because my husband absolutely hates anything to do with holidays, or “special” days (I don’t really understand why, other than that he is lazy and doesn’t want to put ANY effort, even mental, into them). I used to decorate just for myself, but he “doesn’t like it” (probably because it reminds him of what he’s *not* doing), so I quit doing that, too. He spends his days on his video game, so I spend doing my day doing whatever I would usually do anyway, hobbies reading, etc. It’s amazing how lonely a woman can feel even when they’re living full-time with a “partner”. He doesn’t like buying presents either (obviously), so he can get himself whatever he wants (like he always has), but because I always earned much less, I make him give me money so I can get myself whatever I want, and that has been working well for us, just slightly less “fun”, but at least I know I’ll be getting what I want.
So, I DEF relate to the first story, and *_big_* emphasis on being more than a "daughter" dutifully performing tasks. My child abandoner father has been *on* me recently, waxing poetically about how he wants me to visit for the holidays. I know that he is only asking because his adult children are in another state, and his wife started leaving to be w/them on the holidays, leaving him alone.
He has never really gone out of his way to welcome me over there, so I suspect he just feels "lonely." 🙄😒😒
Regardless, I am not interested in staying at his home, popping by to see him, or anything of the sort. First of all, I'm certain it will be the exact dark, boring, snore-fest OP described, but also, this is the same man who missed birthdays, graduations, and fought with me constantly all throughout my adolescence in the wake of my mother's passing - all from another state!
I never lived with him at any point in my life that I can recall, and he has directly told me he intends for me to be his hospice care child in old age (I think his other daughter bailed 😂).
Would you imagine he doesn't understand why I keep declining? 😂😂😂
The lack of self-awareness of these ppl will leave your flabbers _gasted_ every time! But me being petty, I think I'll call tomorrow and check to see if he really is alone, and I'll feel no guilt if I get some holiday cheer out of it 😂😂😂 This guy ran off the family he actually bothered to raise, and now he needs the spare? LOL, nuh-uh! Get someone else to do it 🤣🤣 Cheers! 🎊🎄🎄🎊
This resonated. I sent 42 cards this year and received 0. Sent gifts to 16 people - only 3 are kids, 13 were adults, received 0. I will be re-evaluating next year. Sad that my platonic “friends” and family let me down just as bad as my abusive exes. I’ll be waking up tomorrow to no gifts. It is what it is. Maybe next year I’ll take myself on a cruise like i always wanted. Pray for me to find a higher steady income so i can be more independent and leave these people in the dust.
I remember all of my nieces & nephews & their children for birthdays, Xmas, Easter = 21 people. I received 2 cards for my birthday & 2 presents for Xmas. Same 2, lovely women. My will will b divided for those 2 with tokens for the remainder.
What's wrong with sounding bitter and angry and tired if you feel bitter, angry, and tired?
Yup
Exactly
They're going to treat her like she's at fault no matter how she phrases it, so she might as well be honest. If they don't like it, boo hoo.
Facts
yes, it's the sound of honesty.
Since some restaurants are actually open on Christmas, plan with the other ladies to go out to eat there and do a gift exchange. Also, to show appreciation to whoever ends up serving you, on top of a large tip it would be great if you all pool money together to bring an extra gift, something unisex. It would be a nice gesture to show appreciation for them working on a major holiday.
Definitely this year I’m staying home cooking alittle for me and children. And relax the rest of the day!
That's what we're doing this year. Men 'don't Care'? This holiday myself & my ladies are each making a dish, meeting at my place, & doing dinner & gifts ourselves. We just weren't willing to have Another holiday ruined, & didn't want to feel bad for the holidays again. Only 1 of us is even in a relationship anymore, we're leaving family out of it too. Enjoy Your Holiday Beautifuls 🥰🎄
Somehow a whole lot of people think that big dinner and big dessert and all the appetizers and sweets and everything else just magically makes itself. The reality is those wonderful donuts take an entire night after working all day to make. Those 2 pies for the big meal take half a day to make and clean up after, the meal itself is another full day and then 2 hours to clean up after, and all those nice treats you have over a 4 day span take 2 weeks to make in what little "free" time that's available. Don't forget the whole deal about shopping and wrapping too ... "But honey, I never know what to get my parents, my coworkers or my boss and I suck at wrapping. Do you really want me to look bad?"
I don’t do holidays.All the women on my husbands side are mammies and the men are all redpill,all the convos are shallow. Most of them don’t even like me or eachother. 😂 I can’t do FAKE and My family is dispersed.
Damn. That does sound horrid, homie
Pretty much the same with me. There are no longer any get-togethers. My family, such as it is, is all in the other side of the country, and husband’s family, local, don’t much like us and we don’t much like them (most of them are super religious/evangelical and we’re agnostic/atheist). As you say, I don’t do fake.
I am glad she sees the truth about the whole situation because a lot of people would be fooled and quilt tricked and they still think that behaviour is normal. "That is just the way he is" they would say. Or "But he is your father".
This is the king baby type of father. He expects her to be all over, doing averything, taking care of his every whim and when she does not do that he judges her. Yea, that is true "love" of a father. Seeing her as servant who should put even more effort because is it Christmas. Now he is alone and does not like that, someone should be by his side while he sleeps !? That is her Christmas ? Wtf.
Is 2025 the awakening of women?!
I'm glad y'all on what I've been on.
Thank you, Burb ❤❤❤
The saying, "better late than never" applies perfectly here.
This makes me happy that women are choosing themes. I was surprised to do a friendgiving xmas but they're sick so it'll just be me. I have support and phone calls for that. Great content
The more I see and read the more I miss my Daddy! Dammit let me go hug my Mommy too! I was really blessed with the parents I have (even with their mistakes) and after all the loss we experienced last year/the beginning of this year I'm treasuring this time with my Mom too. To everyone Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy Kwanzaa! Burb, thank you for all that you do and I'm glad I found your channel because I finally understand that for all these years I was a Black Feminist.
I'm a lucky one. My husband helps decorate the tree, he cooks or helps cook. Tonight we purchased tamales but he steameed them and warmed up beans. Tomorrow he's making the ham, and I'll make the sides. He helps with the dishes and never makes me feel overwhelmed with doing things alone while he watches t.v.
Imo, Christmas is a family/team effort, not a one man (woman) show.
My husband did Christmas this year. I was just as surprised as my child and my secret Santa’s when those gifts were opened. I told him that I’m mentally exhausted and that he’s gonna have step up. This year He planned our son’s birthday party, did Christmas, hired someone to help clean, and even made his own dentist appt for the first time ever. I’ve been telling him for years, but this year I actually executed. It was basically if you don’t step up it won’t get done. I told him his life’s manager is retiring and she’s willing to teach before she goes, but if you don’t learn now, you’re gonna have to figure it out alone.
Holly Jolly Burbies 💜 self care dat azz this week, treat yourself and stress less. Confident, in our lane and thriving 🧘♀️
I'm glad the first lady is being her father's karma😂😂😂. Also he should be glad she prefers to not go home. He doesn't like people going over anyway so he should snore away knowing nobody's coming to disturb him sleeping. She's giving him exactly what he wanted and now that the shoe is on the other foot he doesn't like it being done to him? Color me surprised 🙄🙄🙄
I love these videos. I now find myself looking for your new videos every morning. I hope you stick around awhile.
I feel the Stress's of Every woman
Happy and Restful Holidays to you Burb! Thank you for all of the work that you do in keeping us connected and informed. I've turned several people on to your page and all of them love it!!
I appreciate that!
So the dad did put on a xmas party.... when she wasnt around... for her male cousins i presume? But when shes there... no party. Maybe he expects her to put on a party for him?
Yeah once again I decided not to go visit anyone either I feel like this is the first time in a long time I had time to myself being left alone is a gift I would never want to return. Be generous and send your loved ones money but don't make them feel guilty for not wanting to hang out. They really guilt trip women during the holiday season men. My ex wa like this too. I feel bad for not hanging out with him but I'm tired of getting played at the end of the year I don't want to wake up with a hangover or with some guy asleep on my arm snoring I don't hate them I just can't do it. When they voted for trump it was like tearing a hole into the hearts of millions of women and children. It's going to be very hard to forgive them.
Have a nice season! I always look look for your RUclips first! Take care and enjoy your family and friends. 🎄You're keeping me sane-ish. 💙
Happy holidays!
We will see those that took advantage and exploited thr others kindness experience the void left by those that over give. Enjoy pouting into yourself as takers and energy thieves have no limits.
Yep, i let go of doing everything for everyone else. Including family. Nope. Im done. I match energy!
I just watched s video, where a man was claiming since he's in a new a era in life [divorced older new job and dif mindset new marriage] he feels his daughter needs to get over him but being with the mother claiming she's toxic and fused her, time her not my problem go to counseling. 😢. I'm sorry he said it like he did. He could've said let's go to counseling together but darn. It's crazy how they throw the children away after getting into new relationships.
Im def taking our christmas for granted then. 4 people contributed to food and so on.
washing machine worked overtime the whole day but at least no one had to start cleaning up anything by hand.
mom didnt even have to think about the tree, brother and sister-in-law set that one up and are gonna clean it up after new years.
I've spent many of my holidays alone out of choice. Both sides of my family aren't just not warm and welcoming. I'm just supposed to be there because its a holiday. My parents are self-centered anyway, so pretending to be ok with things as someone with AuADHD is exhausting.
At least she has been at a traditional Xmas dinner, I am yet to be at one because before dad remarried he would leave my brother, cousin and I at home and disappear for the night. When we, my brother and I lived at my mum's they had family get together but it became tiresome because you spent most of the time cooking or serving. Then there was the silly remarks for attending every year on your own as opposed to those who had a different partner every year. Cooking and cleaning with no appreciation until I and others just stopped turning up. The guys just turned up and eat and drank to their hearts content and did nothing else. They still hold the family party but with a fewer number of people and i am glad not to be there. I now enjoy Xmas my own way.
Am I the first?
Good morning ☀️
Morning! 🌄🎉🎉😊😊
God, how I love your channel.
Glad you enjoy it!
Not to side with the dad but he does sound like he might be on the spectrum or have clinical depression and was never diagnosed. He sounds a lot like my mom. They self isolate, push ppl away and only does things on her terms. It's away to control their aniexty. With that being said. It's not the daughters responsibility. She doesnt have to enable the behavior that causes harm to her and himself.
That's what I thought, he sounds extremely depressed and introverted. It's no excuse to not pay attention to other's feelings and mature over time, but it explains a lot. I went through a phase similar to that in my twenties after moving out due to bad experiences in my childhood but I got therapy snd forced myself to be more social.
Has there been a conversation about who is PAYING for Christmas... idk who it is but im gonna go out on a limb here and say the people buying the gifts and the decor are the women.
Why say nothing from my brother even tho he lives with his baby mother? She wants the baby mom to do her brother’s labor too, instead of her brother
❤❤
For the third lady, she needs to convince the other women first. And avoid gendered language "We women did the organizing, you men, etc" to lessen the tantrum. She needs to remind people that everything changes and the old tradition isn't appreciated anymore, so why not take a break the next year? It must be decided beforehand, otherwise the lazy will assert how much they do appreciate free labor. And some will do that labor no matter what. See which parts the group actually misses and which are they secretly relieved to not do. If anyone objects, invite them to do their own Christmas style. But the others are taking a break. Maybe do that potluck dinner. Pass a hat to the participants for a Secret Santa.
(Or don't. I hate gift giving. I'd be happier with a "Give a potted plant!" themed gifting ritual. Less stress picking. It could be a fancy flower for planting outside, a houseplant, or an herb to slowly kill. 😅 I just got a tiny rosemary bush..its like a Christmas tree you can eat!)
Not everybody likes gardening or plants, though. I would hate being given a plant. A Useless gift for me. Plants are what YOU like, so you’re just trying to
Impose plants on everyone else.
Noticing more homeless mentally ill women on streets at bus stops lately
I just buy the treats that I want to eat, minimalistic decorations and listen to nostalgic songs on RUclips like 'Ride with me' Yeah Nelly is a scrote but he made a song that slaps.
My kittens got their gifts before Christmas came and they are napping and using the carpet as a scratch post.
A peace men and kids will never create for me better than this.
I think the reclusive father may have social anxiety or be neurodivergent in some way. Or possibly both. I'm glad OP found a mutually-agreeable way to socialize by having coffee once a month at a place convenient for him. Some people just can't handle high levels of engagement, but they do want *some* engagement.
It's a poor excuse though. He can celebrate how he wants, but he shouldn't expect others to join him, and especially use guilt tripping. At that point, it's entitlement.
Plus, there is an extreme double standard between how we accomodate ND men vs women. (I'm ND myself.)
Indeed there is and how they're regarded too.
Nah, he is just bitter brat.
Instead of putting on a massive one time spread for everyone for the Holidays, might want to stock up on food staples that will make many meals and buy shoes/coats for the family. Get prepared for financial distress.
Tag, you guys are it! “What does that mean? You guys are organizing everything next year!” And we appreciate it. Then, don’t do anything, or organize a ladies trip.
I don't really know how to "show love" to my family either, people only know what they know- sigh, my kids are going to hate me
The first story: there's obviously lots of different things at play here, but as an autistic person, my mind seemed to jump to the idea that the way he operates seems a little bit on the spectrum. People, and visitors, and change, and environments that we can't control lead to a lot of avoidance that doesn't make sense and does lead to us being alone and wondering why. The fact that he won't go anywhere but to a coffee shop near his home, avoids strangers and guests, and his idea of spending time together being so indirect... just give me that impression. However that does not mean that her feelings aren't valid or that there isn't room for improvement on his part when it comes to relationships and making connections.
*doesn't make sense to neurotypical people
Also if you've been trying to build relationships with family and they aren't having it their actions show they don't want you or their words do or your the scapegoat you do not need to keep trying if you've done it more then once and noticed this pattern it's ok to do other things without them. You being alone cuz your family are assholes won't be for long as you build other connections outside them.
Maybe just call it a Holiday Preparers break.
Burb, did you unsubscribe me? I’ve subscribed twice this week 😢
I'm not doing it. I periodically have to put out a notice or a post to check if you're still subscribed.
@@BurbNBougie oh, I see. Thanks for letting me know. I guess I’ll have to check from time to time whether I’m still subscribed to my favorite channels.
Why do people keep telling others to try this, try that. Like they haven't already.
She Sounds she fighting not to cry . Sounds she's feeling the Rejection