Loved the story line but was hoping more more details about the things the hidden society was doing, i once heard a story (one of yours or at least your channel) about the character in an abandoned church with a brick of gold one his lap. Thats the kind of stuff i just cant get enough of. Narration is on point though, your voice just adds a core of mystery to it all, you could read the phonebook and id be on the edge of my seat
I love how Darius McCorkindale shares his scary spaghetti tales with you. I think I need a nom de nom nom nom. "What? No! I didn't just spend $400 dollars at the comic convention! That Ultraman figure and Moon Knight statue are a gift from my friend, um... Harry. Harry McDingleberry!" Cant wait to listen to this later
Thanks to you two, I now have an unsettling, persistent thought about how absolutely matted with dingleberries a Bigfoot’s arse must- No, make it stop!
I’m actually surprised by how much this story let me down as I typically love the stories. I kept thinking it was going to get better but it just kept repeating itself. It almost felt like something I would have written in early high school. It was definitely very flat. Nevertheless, I appreciate the work that went into writing it. Narration was definitely, as always, fantastic!
Hey Doc Love your narrations and welcome to the world of writing. Constructive feedback if you will have it.? Overall well written and obviously well read. It felt somewhat like a Mario / Zelda quest tho. Meaning the “youve just begun your quest” line used more than just one time, seems repetitive. If a multi faceted hydra is in play, knowing all the heads one must battle, and then finding out the last head is hidden, seems make it work in the reader/listeners mind. Again great work as always. Cheers
@Dr. Creepen I really do love that you are writing and recording your own stories. They are really well done. I appreciate all your hard work and time. Thank you ❤️ 🤗 🌟
The narration was spot on, as it should be. ^_^ Having said that, I felt like it's deepest flaw is that it got extremely predictable: Look, another conspiracy behind the last one. It likely needed a different twist or three down the line. My two cents.
This is going to be my criticism, and this is not meant to be mean, just honest. This story was a bit too fast paced. I feel certain details were overlooked. For example, why Adam was randomly invited to a party. My mind says Gladys was the one that arranged it. Another, how is it a lack of corrupt people on the inside. Like, no corrupt police, no real attempt to manipulate the events and other things you expect from organizations that have vast influence and power. So, this is a decent story, but it needs a bit more details. Overall, decent story
Thanks. I always set out with a goal in mind when I write a story. this time it was to 'cut to the chase' and also not to have too many superfluous characters bogging down the plot. I feel I did OK, but there were a few plot holes as a result.
Enjoyed it. Thoughtfully written, I felt drawn into the characters' world. It was fast-paced, but I don't think it hurt the story. I get overwhelmed with too many characters, I feel this was easy to follow along. And I am sure there will be new characters in the future. Ty Dr ❤❤❤
Your voice reminds me a lot of Richard Burton. I would LOVE to hear you read "War of the worlds". You have the perfect voice for it! Please consider it
@@scrappydoo7887 Not to debate a subject that I am not personally knowledgeable about, but... power in general is like a pyramid with the most power and authority concentrated at the top. So with that concept in mind here are the people involved in the three groups mentioned above: WEF has 3,000 members, Trilateral Commission has at least 400 members, Bilderberg Group is an invitation only (meaning you can't buy a seat at the table like the other two) organization that has somewhere between 120-150 members. Curious if that information changes your beliefs.
Secret society stories are always interesting,especially when we have the good Doctor narrating. Thanks again Doc,your stories help people more than you will ever know!
I like it. It is fast paced but that aligns with the type of story this is. I don't think it was too fast. I see a few different layers of stories going on here. I don't know if they are to remain independent or if at some point they will eventually merge. I do think it's odd that Adam and the one lady just implicitly trusted one another and their source. It seemed like the battles, the car chases (etc) all unfolded into place too well. To me, it sounds like they were being used unknowingly to distract and pacify the general public to the deeper, more insidious criminal intentions of these networks. On a different note, who's to say one of the main characters isn't also a part of that network in some way? That would be a big betrayal to the other. I enjoyed it very much. Great job and thank you!
I enjoyed the story and narration quite a bit, but one thing that I'd say was missing was the characters getting from point A to point B to point C seemed far too easy and convenient. Not that there needs to be a massive hurdle along the way, but sometimes having an element to the story where a character (or characters) are put in higher stakes dangerous situations, or perhaps being double crossed, maybe even some of the cast dealing with grief or a conflict of interests (like if they found out it was all setup to be made easy because both of their parents were near or at the top of the main branch of a secret society, and they have the choice of doing the right thing, or just letting them be, since they trust their parents. Perhaps the parents wanted to make them well known heroes, but hadn't expected them to find that they were the puppet masters all along? Idk, just a bunch of random thoughts there, lol) would make it slightly more personable, by adding such moral dilemias, ect ect. Another thought could also revolve around their family being put in the line of fire, or being taken hostage to lure the good guys into a trap. I'd just like to see a tad bit more on stake, but something that's easily relatable. However, all in all, it was a true pleasure to listen to this. I liked the fast pacing, and the mystique in the beginning was quite interesting. I look forward to hearing more from you, doc. =) Cheers, Ben P.S. - If you do continue with this story, perhaps from where the story leaves off here, you could create a story with multiple possible different endings, and see which one your auidence prefers more, to get a better idea for the demographic that you're trying to appeal to, but I'm no writer myself, and I know how difficult and confusing that may become for many people. It could even end up with two different "factions" arguing over which is the 'real' ending / which ending is better, and so on, but I did want to just run the possible idea by you, to see if it sparks any inspiration. At the end of the day, I think it's most important that you, the author, are happy with your own story, and you don't want to deviate away from whichever writing style that interests you the most. You often hear Authors say that they wanted their story to pan out differently, but due to reasons beyond their control, such as their editor forcing them to rewrite parts of their story, or being afraid of backlash, ect. I hope that I didn't ramble on too much, but I wanted to give my full opinion, as well as throw a few possible suggestions out in the open. Either way, keep up the fantastic work!
37:46 turning a blind eye to the truth is old school, we’ve been doing it for millennia. What’s new? They’re truly putting themselves on the Gallows without a fight. Also, off subject sorta, back in the ‘90s SoundStream technologies that still produces car audio equipment made an amplifier named “The Continuum”. It was a beautiful piece of hardware. Polished aluminum heat sink, about two feet long, total system amp.
Somehow I missed this! 🧡💚 Hi A.J.! 💙💜 The witing of this Story is Absolutely Brilliant, I love this writer's style! 🩷 And of course I Love the Narrator! 🥰 Sweet Dreams and Bye, Bye! 😱👻🐺🐈⬛🐾🙏✌️
Good job! some tips: it was indeed a little tooo fast paced. "show don't tell" is a nice way of writing. Sometimes I wondered how things looked visually like the disguised person at the end. Maybe its just me but I felt "determination" was used to much. you can use thesauruses for that ;) Also the 'research' of the characters seemed to easy, like they just googled for 2 hours and discovered a whole conspiracy that was even real. Also two people toppling over multiple world-controlling elites seemed implausible, maybe they could have a small army and some more hackers? i don't know. but its fiction in the end, a fun story. good work, and dont give up!
I say this with love and respect as someone who has a history in editing, this one fell flat for me. But I'm not going to harass you with a lot of unsolicited advice. There was a solid skeleton with an interesting twist and I look forward to other installments from this author because, at the end of the day, they are quite good and I only expect to enjoy their stories for a long time.
Great story. I like the fact that the lady wasnt apart of the evil side. I kept waiting for that reveal. Here are my thoughts. Get a new safe house and up yoir security. How do they keep just leaving packages and no one know? What happened to the editor at the beginning. Is he apart of the group. Why he dont get recognized he was up thete too. Do he aleast get the scoop first? Looking forward tonpart 3 and beyond
I love the way you write. Some of the other authors, as amazing as they are, get too deep into the needless details. To be specific, when an author gives the exact model number, caleber, super duper bionic scope with a 5.35-inch stock double quadruple singlle action carbine with the 100 drum and grenade combination 7.62mm automatic h&k mini ... i just tune out.
Like layers of an onion. First the Vanguard, then the Continuum, and then the Illuminati, and then the Space Squids. It call comes back to them. BUT WAIT! There's more!
I'm a sucker for a conspiracy tale. The rapid pacing of this story would've made it a good monthly serial for the old pulp magazines. You would benefit from richer development of your characters. Allowing their individual histories to illustrate their current motivations. Just as a good villain is created by the violence, complexity and intelligence of their crimes at present, the hero and his/her story is helped by what has happened to them in the past. How they use the past experience to overcome the current situation they're in. But I'm not a writer. Just watch too many critic reviews. Keep writing. I've heard that's how you become a better writer.
@@DrCreepen listening to this reminded me of growing up. Waiting for my monthly issue of Argosy to be delivered so I could read the next chapter of whatever gritty fantasy/scifi/horror story I was following at the time. I'm not sure if that was entirely your intent, but want to say that you executed that style very well and nicely triggered my nostalgia. Making me want to put on some footy pajamas, make an egg cream and watch Saturday morning cartoons. Keep writing and we will keep reading and/or listening 🙂!
Im sorry but imo this was horrible! Characters are unrealistic and unrelatable. The story is very generic with no depth to it whatsoever. There is NO connection with the characters or story. At the end i actually liked the characters less than i did at the beginning. General details only. The story could really be very good- if you get more story and less outline while making the characters more human and less godlike. Nobody can relate to perfection on every level. Nothing ever went wrong for these people. Unrealistic. Ive never ever given a bad review, but youve said that you want advice. To really make this an outstanding story make it into like a series instead of a full length movie. Concentrate on telling one adventure at a time.i hope this helps. I usually very much enjoy your writings, but this truly seemed more of a rushed idea then it did a gripping story.
The story was good but it got very repetitive with the constant "oh you really thought you could win " then them winning and then the " but wait theres more " And of course the most unrealistic part which was things actually happening because of them exposing the corruption
Oh you uncovered an Illuminati plan to take over the world? That's funny, so have I.
Many people should have by now.
Different names, same old story
Seems like we all have👀
🎉
@@scrappydoo7887
Alex Jones Really Was Right
Loved the story line but was hoping more more details about the things the hidden society was doing, i once heard a story (one of yours or at least your channel) about the character in an abandoned church with a brick of gold one his lap. Thats the kind of stuff i just cant get enough of. Narration is on point though, your voice just adds a core of mystery to it all, you could read the phonebook and id be on the edge of my seat
This story has severe "Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle!" vibes.
I love how Darius McCorkindale shares his scary spaghetti tales with you. I think I need a nom de nom nom nom. "What? No! I didn't just spend $400 dollars at the comic convention! That Ultraman figure and Moon Knight statue are a gift from my friend, um... Harry. Harry McDingleberry!" Cant wait to listen to this later
Great to see you here TD 👍👍
Lol the mcdingleberry got me in your stalked by a Bigfoot story 😅
Thanks to you two, I now have an unsettling, persistent thought about how absolutely matted with dingleberries a Bigfoot’s arse must- No, make it stop!
Love your ability to make anything entertaining, Doc., but this story reminds me of a Hardy Boys' story. Terrible!
Who's to say Bigfoots arse isn't like a baboons
I’m actually surprised by how much this story let me down as I typically love the stories.
I kept thinking it was going to get better but it just kept repeating itself. It almost felt like something I would have written in early high school. It was definitely very flat. Nevertheless, I appreciate the work that went into writing it.
Narration was definitely, as always, fantastic!
Hey Doc Love your narrations and welcome to the world of writing. Constructive feedback if you will have it.? Overall well written and obviously well read. It felt somewhat like a Mario / Zelda quest tho. Meaning the “youve just begun your quest” line used more than just one time, seems repetitive. If a multi faceted hydra is in play, knowing all the heads one must battle, and then finding out the last head is hidden, seems make it work in the reader/listeners mind. Again great work as always. Cheers
@Dr. Creepen I really do love that you are writing and recording your own stories. They are really well done. I appreciate all your hard work and time. Thank you ❤️ 🤗 🌟
I love your original stories Dr. C. Keep creating & narrating & we will keep tuning in.
The narration was spot on, as it should be. ^_^
Having said that, I felt like it's deepest flaw is that it got extremely predictable: Look, another conspiracy behind the last one. It likely needed a different twist or three down the line. My two cents.
most epic pasta, loved it, need more of these!
More to come!
❤❤❤Can't wait! Thankyou for sharing your amazing talents with us!! ❤❤❤
You are so welcome!
This is going to be my criticism, and this is not meant to be mean, just honest. This story was a bit too fast paced. I feel certain details were overlooked. For example, why Adam was randomly invited to a party. My mind says Gladys was the one that arranged it. Another, how is it a lack of corrupt people on the inside. Like, no corrupt police, no real attempt to manipulate the events and other things you expect from organizations that have vast influence and power. So, this is a decent story, but it needs a bit more details. Overall, decent story
Thanks. I always set out with a goal in mind when I write a story. this time it was to 'cut to the chase' and also not to have too many superfluous characters bogging down the plot. I feel I did OK, but there were a few plot holes as a result.
@@DrCreepen I understand. I just got lost some points of the story, but I still enjoyed overall. Please keep writing. I look forward to more.
Eh if the area is too connected with each other tbw it may be too difficult to get corruption taking any real legs.
@@ChristopherDwiggins makes sense
Enjoyed it. Thoughtfully written, I felt drawn into the characters' world. It was fast-paced, but I don't think it hurt the story. I get overwhelmed with too many characters, I feel this was easy to follow along. And I am sure there will be new characters in the future. Ty Dr ❤❤❤
It felt like he told the same story 3 times even used the same wording when they got their team together and shit, pretty mid tbh
@@theredpillneo2296 Jeez, Neo, who pissed in *your* red pills this morning? 🙃
A fantastic story again! Bravo Doc! You’ll need to publish a book soon!
Have a lovely day!
An audio book 😉
Maybe one day!
Your voice reminds me a lot of Richard Burton. I would LOVE to hear you read "War of the worlds". You have the perfect voice for it! Please consider it
Timely. The Bilderberg Group just had their 2024 meeting in Madrid. Our governments will have new marching orders.
You're a bit behind the times.
The world economic forum and the trilateral commission are on the leading edge now
@@scrappydoo7887they're all part and parcel together....
@@scrappydoo7887 Not to debate a subject that I am not personally knowledgeable about, but... power in general is like a pyramid with the most power and authority concentrated at the top.
So with that concept in mind here are the people involved in the three groups mentioned above:
WEF has 3,000 members,
Trilateral Commission has at least 400 members,
Bilderberg Group is an invitation only (meaning you can't buy a seat at the table like the other two) organization that has somewhere between 120-150 members. Curious if that information changes your beliefs.
@@gretchenkiley6615 in ways yes
@@ctrlaltdel138 it doesn't.
The direct members may be any number but their sway over governments, NGOs and business's is far more important
Lol I love that you got a context box from RUclips 😂
Who do they use
Wiki-lack of checks-pedia
Pmsl
Hello Scrappy. Good to see you again. 😊
You know it has to be true!! I read it on the internet!!
Thanks for the early morning Acute Illuminati Distress Syndrome, Doc.
😂
Thanks for the AIDS? Must’ve been a good time
I'm listening at 0345 will I be ok?!
@@amandadavenport1994 🍬🎧Take these two and report back in the morning.
Secret society stories are always interesting,especially when we have the good Doctor narrating. Thanks again Doc,your stories help people more than you will ever know!
My pleasure!
Another Doc original, we're getting spoiled this week!! 🙌🏽❤️❤️❤️
Hope you like it!
Very nice story, but terribly naive. Thank you for this dear Doctor - and stay well.
My intention was to go for swashbuckling fun on this one.
Excited to be so early! Especially for an illuminati story ❤
Really really good story. Hope for some New chapters in their journey in near future👍😊💚
Darius you definitely spoil us 😉
I kept on thinking that Gladys was actually using the group to take out her rivals. Can't wait to see where it goes
I like it. It is fast paced but that aligns with the type of story this is. I don't think it was too fast. I see a few different layers of stories going on here. I don't know if they are to remain independent or if at some point they will eventually merge. I do think it's odd that Adam and the one lady just implicitly trusted one another and their source. It seemed like the battles, the car chases (etc) all unfolded into place too well. To me, it sounds like they were being used unknowingly to distract and pacify the general public to the deeper, more insidious criminal intentions of these networks.
On a different note, who's to say one of the main characters isn't also a part of that network in some way? That would be a big betrayal to the other.
I enjoyed it very much. Great job and thank you!
I find they're ability to actually fight these secret organizations oddly convenient and suspect.
I enjoyed the story and narration quite a bit, but one thing that I'd say was missing was the characters getting from point A to point B to point C seemed far too easy and convenient. Not that there needs to be a massive hurdle along the way, but sometimes having an element to the story where a character (or characters) are put in higher stakes dangerous situations, or perhaps being double crossed, maybe even some of the cast dealing with grief or a conflict of interests (like if they found out it was all setup to be made easy because both of their parents were near or at the top of the main branch of a secret society, and they have the choice of doing the right thing, or just letting them be, since they trust their parents. Perhaps the parents wanted to make them well known heroes, but hadn't expected them to find that they were the puppet masters all along? Idk, just a bunch of random thoughts there, lol) would make it slightly more personable, by adding such moral dilemias, ect ect.
Another thought could also revolve around their family being put in the line of fire, or being taken hostage to lure the good guys into a trap. I'd just like to see a tad bit more on stake, but something that's easily relatable.
However, all in all, it was a true pleasure to listen to this. I liked the fast pacing, and the mystique in the beginning was quite interesting. I look forward to hearing more from you, doc. =)
Cheers,
Ben
P.S. - If you do continue with this story, perhaps from where the story leaves off here, you could create a story with multiple possible different endings, and see which one your auidence prefers more, to get a better idea for the demographic that you're trying to appeal to, but I'm no writer myself, and I know how difficult and confusing that may become for many people. It could even end up with two different "factions" arguing over which is the 'real' ending / which ending is better, and so on, but I did want to just run the possible idea by you, to see if it sparks any inspiration. At the end of the day, I think it's most important that you, the author, are happy with your own story, and you don't want to deviate away from whichever writing style that interests you the most. You often hear Authors say that they wanted their story to pan out differently, but due to reasons beyond their control, such as their editor forcing them to rewrite parts of their story, or being afraid of backlash, ect.
I hope that I didn't ramble on too much, but I wanted to give my full opinion, as well as throw a few possible suggestions out in the open. Either way, keep up the fantastic work!
Bad guys on this level are like onions. Layer apon layer apon layer .....
Thanks!
Very kind of you!
How use this money? How did u get this one dollor? I need money😢
Darius McCorkindale? Say less.
Illuminati? Bonus.
Thank you so much for the upload, Doc!
37:46 turning a blind eye to the truth is old school, we’ve been doing it for millennia. What’s new? They’re truly putting themselves on the Gallows without a fight.
Also, off subject sorta, back in the ‘90s SoundStream technologies that still produces car audio equipment made an amplifier named “The Continuum”. It was a beautiful piece of hardware. Polished aluminum heat sink, about two feet long, total system amp.
I think Darius wrote a great story and it could easily be a really good day series ❤
Somehow I missed this! 🧡💚 Hi A.J.! 💙💜 The witing of this Story is Absolutely Brilliant, I love this writer's style! 🩷 And of course I Love the Narrator! 🥰 Sweet Dreams and Bye, Bye! 😱👻🐺🐈⬛🐾🙏✌️
Really enjoyed the story!! And of course, always enjoy the narration!! The story seems to be somewhat based on reality.... Pretty interesting.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Hell yea! Got my fav drink and am certainly ' listening '!! Thankyou!❤😊
Enjoy!
Wow, that Darius can write..if only he knew someone who could narrate? I'm sure he has tons of loyal fans who would support his audiobooks 🤔
Excellent as always!!💜
20/10 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Good job! some tips: it was indeed a little tooo fast paced. "show don't tell" is a nice way of writing. Sometimes I wondered how things looked visually like the disguised person at the end.
Maybe its just me but I felt "determination" was used to much. you can use thesauruses for that ;)
Also the 'research' of the characters seemed to easy, like they just googled for 2 hours and discovered a whole conspiracy that was even real.
Also two people toppling over multiple world-controlling elites seemed implausible, maybe they could have a small army and some more hackers? i don't know.
but its fiction in the end, a fun story. good work, and dont give up!
"FOR WE WRESTLE NOT AGAINST FLESH AND BLOOD"! ... 🙏👊🙏
Scary Spaghetti just isn’t working for me, how about Nightmare Noodles?
I heard ‘Krispy Kreme’ colored card and I was sold….I’m not saying that’s what you *said*. I’m sayin that’s what I heard lolol
I say this with love and respect as someone who has a history in editing, this one fell flat for me. But I'm not going to harass you with a lot of unsolicited advice. There was a solid skeleton with an interesting twist and I look forward to other installments from this author because, at the end of the day, they are quite good and I only expect to enjoy their stories for a long time.
Love ❤️ the Dr!
Thanks for your content wonderful story.
Thanks for listening
Thanks 😊
Welcome 😊
Another story that's truly nightmare fuel, thank you good Dr.! 🫣😱
Edited for clarity, i have had a beverage 😁
Glad you enjoyed it
Super Nice story ❤❤❤
Based on alot of the stories yu choose, I thought that was already the plan of action! 🤭😬
Ima enjoy this either way, Doc!
Great story. I like the fact that the lady wasnt apart of the evil side. I kept waiting for that reveal. Here are my thoughts. Get a new safe house and up yoir security. How do they keep just leaving packages and no one know? What happened to the editor at the beginning. Is he apart of the group. Why he dont get recognized he was up thete too. Do he aleast get the scoop first? Looking forward tonpart 3 and beyond
saved for later
Well done
I rock with Darius
23:00
I love the way you write. Some of the other authors, as amazing as they are, get too deep into the needless details. To be specific, when an author gives the exact model number, caleber, super duper bionic scope with a 5.35-inch stock double quadruple singlle action carbine with the 100 drum and grenade combination 7.62mm automatic h&k mini ... i just tune out.
Thank you! 😊
Wait a minute, you’re telling me there’s another, ubersuperdooper secret society!? These people are like ogres.
Good story though thank you never disappoint
Glad you think so!
Honestly this felt more like a few episodes of Scooby Doo.. excellent narration, nevertheless
🖤🖤🖤
I love it.
Thank You Doctor 🩵
Welcome!!
Yea the most unbelievable part is any athroity actually cared vanguard and Blackrock don't hide they don't need to
Man these secrets society’s kinda suck at keeping their secrets and stopping two nobodies 😂 their main opponent was Gladys she did all the real work
Yay!
😀thanks
You're welcome 😊
Gladus character for some reason reminded me of the woman in the Diary of an economic Hitman
I think I love you😂
This sounded like a ChatGPT writing prompt.
Like layers of an onion. First the Vanguard, then the Continuum, and then the Illuminati, and then the Space Squids. It call comes back to them. BUT WAIT! There's more!
✅
Should honestly be 5 minutes long. Back story of uncovering the plot, then getting very suddenly assassinated.
Hasn't been news since they became known along with their intentions.
38:36
I'm a sucker for a conspiracy tale. The rapid pacing of this story would've made it a good monthly serial for the old pulp magazines.
You would benefit from richer development of your characters. Allowing their individual histories to illustrate their current motivations. Just as a good villain is created by the violence, complexity and intelligence of their crimes at present, the hero and his/her story is helped by what has happened to them in the past. How they use the past experience to overcome the current situation they're in. But I'm not a writer. Just watch too many critic reviews.
Keep writing. I've heard that's how you become a better writer.
Agreed. Character development was secondary to a fast-paced plot here, and it shows.
@@DrCreepen listening to this reminded me of growing up. Waiting for my monthly issue of Argosy to be delivered so I could read the next chapter of whatever gritty fantasy/scifi/horror story I was following at the time.
I'm not sure if that was entirely your intent, but want to say that you executed that style very well and nicely triggered my nostalgia. Making me want to put on some footy pajamas, make an egg cream and watch Saturday morning cartoons.
Keep writing and we will keep reading and/or listening 🙂!
The free and accepted never won eternally. Stuff on earth. Temporary
Its adorable.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️🇬🇧👍👌🫶
Thanks for another great story.
Glad you enjoyed it
Symbols in lodges reveal their masters.
As above so below.
Triangles.
Where else is that seen?)
😎👍
You sure this is fiction
I mean.... I think everyone knows about that.
Nyc still here 😊
I remember the pinky and the brains eternal plan to take over the world
Alex Jones Was Right. And he's more right every day.
Im sorry but imo this was horrible! Characters are unrealistic and unrelatable. The story is very generic with no depth to it whatsoever. There is NO connection with the characters or story. At the end i actually liked the characters less than i did at the beginning. General details only. The story could really be very good- if you get more story and less outline while making the characters more human and less godlike. Nobody can relate to perfection on every level. Nothing ever went wrong for these people. Unrealistic.
Ive never ever given a bad review, but youve said that you want advice. To really make this an outstanding story make it into like a series instead of a full length movie. Concentrate on telling one adventure at a time.i hope this helps. I usually very much enjoy your writings, but this truly seemed more of a rushed idea then it did a gripping story.
final boss Blackrock
The story was good but it got very repetitive with the constant "oh you really thought you could win " then them winning and then the " but wait theres more "
And of course the most unrealistic part which was things actually happening because of them exposing the corruption
I've also booked the Mentors. J.F.A. agent orange.
I love illuminati ❤ I trust Illuminati 🎉❤
I love Satan and I only love Satan.
Did a 12 year old come up with this story? 😂
Oh, it's an original.
Guess it checks out 😅
😂😂😂whack job
Thought IT would be interesting, proved med wrong 10 min inn.
You sound like a drink of...tall..dark .and handsome
Dr I need money 💰 I need some dollars for my medical purpose
What an incredibly stupid, juvenile and shallow story.
This is a terribly clichéd and sadly boring story. Does very little w the promising premise.
Thanks!
Very kind of you!