Thank you for mentioning Ben Fogle. I recently read his autobiography where he mentioned being sent to a boarding school and wanting to escape by river to his parents' home.
Homesickness isn't a strong enough word to describe the sense of abandonment and grief felt by a very young child. It is indeed bereavement - especially when the realisation dawns that "home" is no longer the place it was when you left it, and never will be again. Boarding school children may go back to their parents' house again for holidays, etc., but many never really "go home."
The issue you raise about "home" not being the place it once was after you have started boarding school is a really valid one. I think in terms of social psychology the term "emotionally homeless" can be a really important one. There are people who may have a roof over their heads and food on the table but they feel deeply psychologically estranged and as though they do not belong anywhere. They can really want a sense belonging but the sense of emotional homelessness persists - perhaps during the rest of their lives. I think a significant number of boarders and ex boarders fall under this category of being "emotionally homeless"
@@richardrickford3028 Bless you for your thoughtful comment ... I appreciate your empathetic sentiments so very much. Most of us have well-honed survival strategies that are switched on pretty much 24/7, however, to balance that, we definitely need that soul-rest you speak of as well. My love of nature, family, friends, and faith in God sustain me.🧡🙏🦆🐝🥀🍁🪶
I don't really remember being homesick much, I don't remember how I got to boarding school or anything of the first week, the first strong memory is of being shown how to hand wash my clothes, put them in the spinner and hang them on the line (no one ever checked up on whether I was doing my washing again). My great good fortune was that there was a riding stable in the grounds so I spent as much time as I could in and around the horses. I came to believe that I deserved this punishment or prison sentence because I had caused my parent's marriage to break down and became quite stoic.
I find you testimony very honest and very moving. One of the things I think about us when we are young is that we constantly seek explanations for things to fill the terrifying gaps in our knowledge. These gaps can happen when we lack parental support and things simply are not explained to us properly. We would rather believe something was our fault and that we are being punished than face the utter utter terror of simply not knowing. But, though this is never our fault, our explanations can bring in tremendous pain of their own. And people can easily forget just how traumatic and deeply horrid divorce can be for the children involved. I am so glad the horses gave a form of powerful therapy and comfort. They are such beautiful dignified animals. People can be very careless in the way they forget just how powerful pets and animals can be in people's lives. And how healing. My parents had a marvellous dog called Bertie and one of my chief joys when going over to visit them was making a fuss of him and taking him for a walk. He was almost psychic in the way he would pick up when I was coming over.
Thank you very much for raising this extremely important topic Piers. Yes indeed homesickness at boarding school is normal. But if something is normal that in no sense at all stops it from being a very difficult and sometimes a really horrifying thing to go through. It also in no sense means that it is necessary either. All sorts of horrifying things are normal. People being shot in the USA and the whole phenomena of high school and college massacres is now terrifyingly normal - that does not deminish the issues around murder - the bereavement and mental ill health of those left behind - the mental health of the derranged gunmen or the issues it raises about obtaining fire arms. So the "well its normal" defence is an utterly lousy one. Often it has the subtitle "so stop making such an attention seeking song and dance about things as though you are the only one. Man up and get on with it" When peoples feelings are trivialised and trashed they themselves are trivialised and trashed. Who would say to a profoundly grieving adult who had lost their husband or wife "what you are going through is completely normal. Loads of adults have gone through it" In terms of strategies I had for dealing with homesickness in King's Canterbury my real friend and ally was my ITT combat radio. I would always try and listen to the round up of the top 40 on Radio One on Sunday from 5pm to help me with the terror and dread of starting another week. I would also sometimes listen to Radio Luxembourg after lights out with my ear piece. The song "No more lonely nights" by Paul McCartney is still a very painful song for me to listen to - and I am sure other boarders have other songs like this.
@@Magda-ji3lr Thank you for your lovely message. Thanks to the help of Piers Cross who is a very good counsellor and therapist and other people in the boarding school survivors team like Nick Duffel I am slowly but surely getting better. I really hope you feel good yourself and have a really really great 2025.
@@richardrickford3028 Bless you! I'm actually Mrs. Boarding School Survivor. My best-beloved attended his frightful schools in the 50s and 60s, from age 7, and finds it nigh-on impossible to talk or write about those experiences to this very day. So I act as "secretary" - so to speak - and take dictation (adding my tuppenceworth on the way!) We both thank you for your good wishes! Couldn't agree more about Piers - he is a great counsellor! Warmest wishes to you & yours from me & mine!
@@Magda-ji3lr May you and your husband be at peace and find ways to talk about and communicate about these experiences. Your dear husband has clearly been through an absolutely dreadful time. He is though very very lucky to have you as a wonderful ally and companion. Both my Mum and Dad went to boarding school and at a much earlier age than me. Both had an incredibly tough time there but they have been sustained by their very deep and powerful and loving marriage to each other (they have been married since 1968) This is especially true now as my dear father suffers from advanced Parkinson's disease. Satre said in his play "In Camera" that hell is other people. I would not agree with him. I think the real hell starts when one is hideously isolated (though not necessarily alone) and the self starts to violently attack the self. It is in reaching out and forming intense friendships (rather than short term romances) with other people and in serving them and them serving us and the two people really really sticking up for each other that we reach our salvation. Such friendships of course involve a great deal of work and maintenance but the work and maintenance is all part and parcel of the love.
@@richardrickford3028 You are too kind! We do hope that you have found true and lasting friendship, trust, love and support in your own life. Or, if not yet - that it's out there somewhere, and heading your way! NB, I'd like it to be known that - although, yes, my husband had an absolutely wretched childhood and youth at his brutal and barbaric schools, there is not an ounce of self-pity in him. Self-loathing, maybe. Self-pity? Not in the least! Another commentator - @twogsds - mentions how guilt was added to un-earned punishment and he developed a kind of stoicism. A grim combination indeed - and I recognise it straight away. The self attacking the self, as YOU so rightly say - and a form of arrested development ensues. The sense of rejection and fear of abandonment instilled in childhood never really goes away, but hides behind the seemingly hard shell surrounding the adult body. I'm certain that you will already have studied the wonderful works of Joy Schaverien and Nick Duffell (as well as our own dear Piers!) on this subject. I'd heartily recommend them to anybody who loves a boarding school survivor as they really do help with the understanding of this mighty issue! Finally - you speak of your parents with great sympathy and understanding. Sorry to hear that you father has Parkinson's - I am sure that your support is of great comfort to them both. Blessings on you - stay strong and stay safe!
I wish I had known about boarding school syndrome years before. I had always thought that it wasn't good for some people but not the reasons why. It probably would have explained the abusive behaviour of some people in my life, but I never asked them what type of school they attended. Instead, I got away after one or two dates. Why were they spending time with me if they disapproved of everything in my life? I had a boarding school educated friend who took the erroneous attitude that friendship was meant to hurt. She would invite me to the cinema and chose the film each time hoping I would hate the film. But I ended up enjoying the film so she was disappointed. Before she demanded that I see Tropic Thunder with her she patronised me by saying I wouldn't understand the humour in it as it was American humour but I replied that I had seen enough Hollywood films to understand Hollywood humour. But when she saw the film she got squeamish about the fake blood and gore in it and I didn't so karma had hit her that evening. Then she wanted to see a film I didn't want to see after reading previews, so I declined. Then she said I was being unfair as she claimed to see films I wanted to see. I reminded her that when I chose the film I went to the cinema alone rather than impose my choice on her, but when we went to the cinema together she chose the film each time and by coincidence I liked the film too. I didn't stop her from seeing the film but I didn't go with her. Afterwards she said the film I declined to see was too sad and frightening and she blamed me for not warning her about it. She had the same access to the previews I had. Going to the cinema with her was uncomfortable as well as she sat there judging people for walking in during the adverts and trailers and walking out when the credits rolled. I told her that as long as they didn't walk in after the film started it was OK. Also that if they didn't like the film they could walk out if they wanted to.
Thank you for mentioning Ben Fogle. I recently read his autobiography where he mentioned being sent to a boarding school and wanting to escape by river to his parents' home.
Homesickness isn't a strong enough word to describe the sense of abandonment and grief felt by a very young child. It is indeed bereavement - especially when the realisation dawns that "home" is no longer the place it was when you left it, and never will be again. Boarding school children may go back to their parents' house again for holidays, etc., but many never really "go home."
The issue you raise about "home" not being the place it once was after you have started boarding school is a really valid one. I think in terms of social psychology the term "emotionally homeless" can be a really important one. There are people who may have a roof over their heads and food on the table but they feel deeply psychologically estranged and as though they do not belong anywhere. They can really want a sense belonging but the sense of emotional homelessness persists - perhaps during the rest of their lives. I think a significant number of boarders and ex boarders fall under this category of being "emotionally homeless"
@@richardrickford3028 Extremely well put!
@@richardrickford3028 and Magda ...I totally agree and thankyou for putting into words that nameless feeling that has lingered since forever it seems
@@LoneSeaEagleOfSkye I hope very much you find your true psychological home where you soul can rest and be nourished very very soon
@@richardrickford3028 Bless you for your thoughtful comment ... I appreciate your empathetic sentiments so very much. Most of us have well-honed survival strategies that are switched on pretty much 24/7, however, to balance that, we definitely need that soul-rest you speak of as well. My love of nature, family, friends, and faith in God sustain me.🧡🙏🦆🐝🥀🍁🪶
I don't really remember being homesick much, I don't remember how I got to boarding school or anything of the first week, the first strong memory is of being shown how to hand wash my clothes, put them in the spinner and hang them on the line (no one ever checked up on whether I was doing my washing again). My great good fortune was that there was a riding stable in the grounds so I spent as much time as I could in and around the horses. I came to believe that I deserved this punishment or prison sentence because I had caused my parent's marriage to break down and became quite stoic.
I find you testimony very honest and very moving. One of the things I think about us when we are young is that we constantly seek explanations for things to fill the terrifying gaps in our knowledge. These gaps can happen when we lack parental support and things simply are not explained to us properly. We would rather believe something was our fault and that we are being punished than face the utter utter terror of simply not knowing. But, though this is never our fault, our explanations can bring in tremendous pain of their own. And people can easily forget just how traumatic and deeply horrid divorce can be for the children involved. I am so glad the horses gave a form of powerful therapy and comfort. They are such beautiful dignified animals. People can be very careless in the way they forget just how powerful pets and animals can be in people's lives. And how healing. My parents had a marvellous dog called Bertie and one of my chief joys when going over to visit them was making a fuss of him and taking him for a walk. He was almost psychic in the way he would pick up when I was coming over.
Thanks for sharing @twogsds, I am sorry to hear of your experiences. And it sounds like the horses were a god send. Take care, Piers
Thank you very much for raising this extremely important topic Piers.
Yes indeed homesickness at boarding school is normal. But if something is normal that in no sense at all stops it from being a very difficult and sometimes a really horrifying thing to go through. It also in no sense means that it is necessary either.
All sorts of horrifying things are normal. People being shot in the USA and the whole phenomena of high school and college massacres is now terrifyingly normal - that does not deminish the issues around murder - the bereavement and mental ill health of those left behind - the mental health of the derranged gunmen or the issues it raises about obtaining fire arms.
So the "well its normal" defence is an utterly lousy one. Often it has the subtitle "so stop making such an attention seeking song and dance about things as though you are the only one. Man up and get on with it"
When peoples feelings are trivialised and trashed they themselves are trivialised and trashed. Who would say to a profoundly grieving adult who had lost their husband or wife "what you are going through is completely normal. Loads of adults have gone through it"
In terms of strategies I had for dealing with homesickness in King's Canterbury my real friend and ally was my ITT combat radio. I would always try and listen to the round up of the top 40 on Radio One on Sunday from 5pm to help me with the terror and dread of starting another week. I would also sometimes listen to Radio Luxembourg after lights out with my ear piece.
The song "No more lonely nights" by Paul McCartney is still a very painful song for me to listen to - and I am sure other boarders have other songs like this.
Indeed they do. Music is one of the great "escape routes" from misery. May more of your "tears turn to laughter" as the years go by.
@@Magda-ji3lr Thank you for your lovely message. Thanks to the help of Piers Cross who is a very good counsellor and therapist and other people in the boarding school survivors team like Nick Duffel I am slowly but surely getting better. I really hope you feel good yourself and have a really really great 2025.
@@richardrickford3028 Bless you! I'm actually Mrs. Boarding School Survivor. My best-beloved attended his frightful schools in the 50s and 60s, from age 7, and finds it nigh-on impossible to talk or write about those experiences to this very day. So I act as "secretary" - so to speak - and take dictation (adding my tuppenceworth on the way!) We both thank you for your good wishes! Couldn't agree more about Piers - he is a great counsellor! Warmest wishes to you & yours from me & mine!
@@Magda-ji3lr May you and your husband be at peace and find ways to talk about and communicate about these experiences. Your dear husband has clearly been through an absolutely dreadful time. He is though very very lucky to have you as a wonderful ally and companion. Both my Mum and Dad went to boarding school and at a much earlier age than me. Both had an incredibly tough time there but they have been sustained by their very deep and powerful and loving marriage to each other (they have been married since 1968) This is especially true now as my dear father suffers from advanced Parkinson's disease. Satre said in his play "In Camera" that hell is other people. I would not agree with him. I think the real hell starts when one is hideously isolated (though not necessarily alone) and the self starts to violently attack the self. It is in reaching out and forming intense friendships (rather than short term romances) with other people and in serving them and them serving us and the two people really really sticking up for each other that we reach our salvation. Such friendships of course involve a great deal of work and maintenance but the work and maintenance is all part and parcel of the love.
@@richardrickford3028 You are too kind! We do hope that you have found true and lasting friendship, trust, love and support in your own life. Or, if not yet - that it's out there somewhere, and heading your way! NB, I'd like it to be known that - although, yes, my husband had an absolutely wretched childhood and youth at his brutal and barbaric schools, there is not an ounce of self-pity in him. Self-loathing, maybe. Self-pity? Not in the least! Another commentator - @twogsds - mentions how guilt was added to un-earned punishment and he developed a kind of stoicism. A grim combination indeed - and I recognise it straight away. The self attacking the self, as YOU so rightly say - and a form of arrested development ensues. The sense of rejection and fear of abandonment instilled in childhood never really goes away, but hides behind the seemingly hard shell surrounding the adult body. I'm certain that you will already have studied the wonderful works of Joy Schaverien and Nick Duffell (as well as our own dear Piers!) on this subject. I'd heartily recommend them to anybody who loves a boarding school survivor as they really do help with the understanding of this mighty issue! Finally - you speak of your parents with great sympathy and understanding. Sorry to hear that you father has Parkinson's - I am sure that your support is of great comfort to them both. Blessings on you - stay strong and stay safe!
I wish I had known about boarding school syndrome years before. I had always thought that it wasn't good for some people but not the reasons why. It probably would have explained the abusive behaviour of some people in my life, but I never asked them what type of school they attended. Instead, I got away after one or two dates. Why were they spending time with me if they disapproved of everything in my life?
I had a boarding school educated friend who took the erroneous attitude that friendship was meant to hurt. She would invite me to the cinema and chose the film each time hoping I would hate the film. But I ended up enjoying the film so she was disappointed. Before she demanded that I see Tropic Thunder with her she patronised me by saying I wouldn't understand the humour in it as it was American humour but I replied that I had seen enough Hollywood films to understand Hollywood humour. But when she saw the film she got squeamish about the fake blood and gore in it and I didn't so karma had hit her that evening.
Then she wanted to see a film I didn't want to see after reading previews, so I declined. Then she said I was being unfair as she claimed to see films I wanted to see. I reminded her that when I chose the film I went to the cinema alone rather than impose my choice on her, but when we went to the cinema together she chose the film each time and by coincidence I liked the film too. I didn't stop her from seeing the film but I didn't go with her. Afterwards she said the film I declined to see was too sad and frightening and she blamed me for not warning her about it. She had the same access to the previews I had. Going to the cinema with her was uncomfortable as well as she sat there judging people for walking in during the adverts and trailers and walking out when the credits rolled. I told her that as long as they didn't walk in after the film started it was OK. Also that if they didn't like the film they could walk out if they wanted to.
🙂🥰