At 42 I had to MAKE THE DECISION and during a walk on the beach I realized I could live with any regret for not having them better than any regret for having had them. It completely settled the decision for me in a real way. Yes, I have glimmers of regret - as I suspected - but I am a much better, happier person than my lovely friends who have had less than ideal children/partnerships.
For all the people who have not had children I want to say: Thank you for your gift. People who have children give a gift to themselves. People who don't have children give a gift to the world. They give the gift of space for others. It is the most precious gift that anyone can give to an overpopulated, resource-depleted planet. By the way, women aren't the only ones who experience societal pressure. When I was young, co-workers would say "Why don't you have kids? Bring your wife around. I'll show you how it's done." I'm 85, never had children, never wanted any, never regretted it.
Thank you, Richard. I’ve always believed that as a woman without children, I have the gift of space to give others. I’m 65 and never felt called or moved to have children. My husband always felt the same.
Thank you. I was so confused when I learned that people label the deliberately childless as “selfish” and even more so when I’ve heard their reasoning. My friends are grateful for the fact I have time and means to help them out with raising their kids. It takes a village and if I had my own kids I would not be able to contribute.
Interesting honest perspectives. As a 55 year old man married to a wonderful 54 year old lady, who do not have kids it’s enlightening to hear other perspectives from someone with a similar situation. As a man tho it’s isn’t really that much different what we go thru. Perhaps the main difference for us was we are a couple who made this decision.
Thankyou for this talk. Increasingly, by listening to you and Elizabeth Gilbert, I'm appreciating what a political almost revolutionary act it is to move happily through the world and a single woman without kids and to be a model for younger women as my aunts were for me.
"Canaries in the coal mine" has got to be the most on-the-nose metaphor I've ever heard put to childfree women. I can't speak to how I would have felt about the notion of motherhood in a different version of reality, but I simply can't fathom how anyone is willingly walking into it at this point. I can feel it in my bones that this is not a safe environment for me to have to focus my attention on being a mother in, let alone actually being a child at this point in history. It's an unstable powder keg just waiting to go off, and I think most of us can feel it.
Having children is also a way many of us who didn't have a great childhood or a close family attempt to heal those wounds, however unconsciously. I think this was true for me but I wasn't aware of this motivation or even how dysfunctional my family was. I learned that after I was a mother.
@@Suzume-Shimmer I get it, and I can't argue with it. My intention was different from what actually happened. As it turned out I wasn't safe and neither were my kids. I was a great mom and I loved it more than anything but the situation was toxic.
I don't know if it's still true, but I read once that the single leading indicator of poverty in the United States is single motherhood: The ONE question you could ask and get an answer from someone and say definitively that that person lives in poverty is asking: Are you a single mother? And my question for folks who say, what's so bad about that, if the child loved, is, who wants to raise a child to live a life of poverty?! That child never chose poverty and to subject anyone to that life is cruel and damaging and if it's avoidable, (or preventable) it should be. And, why should poverty be the price of motherhood?
Of course that we are always happe for someone if this person has a prospect of having a child. This is so natural. In life we do not celebrate death but life. We could go on with 1000 if rationalizations, like how it was the imposed role of the woman, to bring children forth, how it is a consequence of primitve patriarchal society. But this is all nosence. We are happy when the life is created and sad when it ends. And creating your own child must be (at least if we think about it) the most enlivening activity of our lives we can think of. But of course, sometimes we cannot do it. And increasingly it is a trend. And whatever we say to ourselves, it is something that is difficult to bear, for ourselves.
I would also like the author to explore the impact hospitals and the trauma of birth in an industrial / institutional environment versus previous to 100 years ago when women knew how to have healthy births with midwives and doulas. I find the intervention of the hospital protocols and stress on the mom and baby is extreme -- the procedures are invasive, the language is scary, and it is extremely disempowering experience. More focus needs to be on how comfort/ease and intervention has made the fear of pregnancy and birthing horrific. Even with all this technology, mother mortality is horrendous. And those who do live, although not spoken broadly in society, do not experience quality care in labor and the "birth plans" that are discarded within 10 minutes of entering the hospitals.
Whatever your thoughts are on the birthing process , it is now safer than ever thanks to good hygiene and medical intervention. The reasons for complications are really obesity (more than half the population is overweight or obese) , older age of mother at first birth, and women with all sorts of chronic conditions such as heart disease and diabetes being able to have babies. These women wouldn’t have likely been able to have kids 100 years ago due to chronic health conditions but nowadays they can. The women in the developing world giving birth ‘naturally’ have huge rates of morbidity and the infant death rates are also high. Give them access to hospitals and medical interventions and the deaths of both women and babies would fall dramatically.
Please excuse this one criticism of your very valued podcast and speakers. I have always been uncomfortable with the term "kids" in reference to "Children ". Women bare "Children", not "kids". A "kid" is a young, (baby) goat" . Slang has diminished our language and our description of "Womanhood". We, as women, conditioned in codependency as one offense on us, have oppressed ourselves with "slangs", and attitudes, which minimize our full potential in Womanhood, Sisterhood as Individuals, most essential to Society. From too many sourced I hear a "child" termed a "kid" from people in the streets, professionals, teachers, etc.. Just listen to our language and you hear the mentalities and attitudes, degradations. Respect has been ravished by ignorance, carelessness, thoughtlessly, contempt of a sort... Children... They are our "Children"! Men and Women's extensions of our Humanity. Top of the chain of living creatures. Children are not "young, baby "goats". They are future men & women. We are not animals, and strive not to be in lower terms . What a shame on everyone's part to minimize our status of, in, Society, as Woman & Child, Fathers Parent, Families....more....
Ok. However if a word has been used in a specific way for over 400 years, with most people clueless to its origins, thats hardly demeaning to mothers or motherhood. I love learning about words with much respect, but this criticism borders on ridiculousness.
The word ‘kid’ has been used as an easier word to pronounce than “children” imo, and given the word “kid” an alternative meaning, so i don’t see it as demeaning
Changing your perception about things that really truly do not matter in this world is healing. My Mom would say, " There are bigger fish to fry." Thanks Mom!
Pity she had to cry in the podcast. I notice women from the west (especially British) have no porblem, or even find it advantageous in some way, to cry in public. I am from the Eest, and in our culture this is sign of, let's say it, bad manners. Ma advice would be- go and do the emotional processing first, than give an interview.
At 42 I had to MAKE THE DECISION and during a walk on the beach I realized I could live with any regret for not having them better than any regret for having had them. It completely settled the decision for me in a real way.
Yes, I have glimmers of regret - as I suspected - but I am a much better, happier person than my lovely friends who have had less than ideal children/partnerships.
Beautifully said. You took the words and wrote them down for me.
I never had the desire but my friends sure did!
Thank you 💞
Being a 49-year-old woman without children, I resonate a lot with Ruby's story. Thank you.
For all the people who have not had children I want to say: Thank you for your gift. People who have children give a gift to themselves. People who don't have children
give a gift to the world. They give the gift of space for others. It is the most precious gift that anyone can give to an overpopulated, resource-depleted planet.
By the way, women aren't the only ones who experience societal pressure. When I was young, co-workers would say "Why don't you have kids? Bring your wife
around. I'll show you how it's done." I'm 85, never had children, never wanted any, never regretted it.
Thank you, Richard. I’ve always believed that as a woman without children, I have the gift of space to give others. I’m 65 and never felt called or moved to have children. My husband always felt the same.
Thank you. I was so confused when I learned that people label the deliberately childless as “selfish” and even more so when I’ve heard their reasoning.
My friends are grateful for the fact I have time and means to help them out with raising their kids. It takes a village and if I had my own kids I would not be able to contribute.
Wow how enlightening!
I had to take a moment 🥲
Thanks Richard 💛
Wonderful words. Thank you
Interesting honest perspectives. As a 55 year old man married to a wonderful 54 year old lady, who do not have kids it’s enlightening to hear other perspectives from someone with a similar situation. As a man tho it’s isn’t really that much different what we go thru. Perhaps the main difference for us was we are a couple who made this decision.
Thankyou for this talk. Increasingly, by listening to you and Elizabeth Gilbert, I'm appreciating what a political almost revolutionary act it is to move happily through the world and a single woman without kids and to be a model for younger women as my aunts were for me.
"Canaries in the coal mine" has got to be the most on-the-nose metaphor I've ever heard put to childfree women.
I can't speak to how I would have felt about the notion of motherhood in a different version of reality, but I simply can't fathom how anyone is willingly walking into it at this point. I can feel it in my bones that this is not a safe environment for me to have to focus my attention on being a mother in, let alone actually being a child at this point in history. It's an unstable powder keg just waiting to go off, and I think most of us can feel it.
Having children is also a way many of us who didn't have a great childhood or a close family attempt to heal those wounds, however unconsciously. I think this was true for me but I wasn't aware of this motivation or even how dysfunctional my family was. I learned that after I was a mother.
Unfortunately its also a way to perpetuate generational trauma.
@@Suzume-Shimmer God yes!
Nice to mention that because I chose not to have children just for that reason - no regrets, Nada!
@@Suzume-Shimmer yes this is true, and as I said I didn't know about the abuse until after my kids were here and we did not have an easy time.
@@EveningTV
Just so you know my comment was not casting blame. Simply stating experience from my own family.
@@Suzume-Shimmer I get it, and I can't argue with it. My intention was different from what actually happened. As it turned out I wasn't safe and neither were my kids. I was a great mom and I loved it more than anything but the situation was toxic.
Great topic. Thanks .
Thank so much for sharing your perspective!
Such a gift! Thank you for this much needed conversation! Resonate word for word! Sisters! ❤
Brilliant and insightful conversation. Thank you.
thanks for being connected
Really interesting conversation thx for sharing this interview and book with us.
I don't know if it's still true, but I read once that the single leading indicator of poverty in the United States is single motherhood: The ONE question you could ask and get an answer from someone and say definitively that that person lives in poverty is asking: Are you a single mother? And my question for folks who say, what's so bad about that, if the child loved, is, who wants to raise a child to live a life of poverty?! That child never chose poverty and to subject anyone to that life is cruel and damaging and if it's avoidable, (or preventable) it should be. And, why should poverty be the price of motherhood?
So thought provoking....such a brilliant conversation!. Thank you both.
Thank you for watching!
Ohhh Thank You …soooooo annoyed to constantly be questioned about this 🙌🙌🙌🙌
Of course that we are always happe for someone if this person has a prospect of having a child. This is so natural. In life we do not celebrate death but life.
We could go on with 1000 if rationalizations, like how it was the imposed role of the woman, to bring children forth, how it is a consequence of primitve patriarchal society. But this is all nosence. We are happy when the life is created and sad when it ends. And creating your own child must be (at least if we think about it) the most enlivening activity of our lives we can think of. But of course, sometimes we cannot do it. And increasingly it is a trend.
And whatever we say to ourselves, it is something that is difficult to bear, for ourselves.
I would also like the author to explore the impact hospitals and the trauma of birth in an industrial / institutional environment versus previous to 100 years ago when women knew how to have healthy births with midwives and doulas. I find the intervention of the hospital protocols and stress on the mom and baby is extreme -- the procedures are invasive, the language is scary, and it is extremely disempowering experience.
More focus needs to be on how comfort/ease and intervention has made the fear of pregnancy and birthing horrific. Even with all this technology, mother mortality is horrendous. And those who do live, although not spoken broadly in society, do not experience quality care in labor and the "birth plans" that are discarded within 10 minutes of entering the hospitals.
Whatever your thoughts are on the birthing process , it is now safer than ever thanks to good hygiene and medical intervention. The reasons for complications are really obesity (more than half the population is overweight or obese) , older age of mother at first birth, and women with all sorts of chronic conditions such as heart disease and diabetes being able to have babies. These women wouldn’t have likely been able to have kids 100 years ago due to chronic health conditions but nowadays they can. The women in the developing world giving birth ‘naturally’ have huge rates of morbidity and the infant death rates are also high. Give them access to hospitals and medical interventions and the deaths of both women and babies would fall dramatically.
Ohhhh yes “anyone” is allowed to question us …Figure out what’s wrong with us 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 irritating
Please excuse this one criticism of your very valued podcast and speakers. I have always been uncomfortable with the term "kids" in reference to "Children ". Women bare "Children", not "kids". A "kid" is a young, (baby) goat" . Slang has diminished our language and our description of "Womanhood". We, as women, conditioned in codependency as one offense on us, have oppressed ourselves with "slangs", and attitudes, which minimize our full potential in Womanhood, Sisterhood as Individuals, most essential to Society. From too many sourced I hear a "child" termed a "kid" from people in the streets, professionals, teachers, etc.. Just listen to our language and you hear the mentalities and attitudes, degradations. Respect has been ravished by ignorance, carelessness, thoughtlessly, contempt of a sort... Children... They are our "Children"! Men and Women's extensions of our Humanity. Top of the chain of living creatures. Children are not "young, baby "goats". They are future men & women. We are not animals, and strive not to be in lower terms . What a shame on everyone's part to minimize our status of, in, Society, as Woman & Child, Fathers Parent, Families....more....
For your desire to uphold words and standards - the word "bear" not "bare"
@@mgb5170 .... Thank you for your help. I
Ok.
However if a word has been used in a specific way for over 400 years, with most people clueless to its origins, thats hardly demeaning to mothers or motherhood.
I love learning about words with much respect, but this criticism borders on ridiculousness.
The word ‘kid’ has been used as an easier word to pronounce than “children” imo, and given the word “kid” an alternative meaning, so i don’t see it as demeaning
Changing your perception about things that really truly do not matter in this world is healing.
My Mom would say, " There are bigger fish to fry."
Thanks Mom!
Pity she had to cry in the podcast. I notice women from the west (especially British) have no porblem, or even find it advantageous in some way, to cry in public.
I am from the Eest, and in our culture this is sign of, let's say it, bad manners.
Ma advice would be- go and do the emotional processing first, than give an interview.