Let The Toxic Ones Go
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- Опубликовано: 26 сен 2024
- A little Sunday coffee chat on making space in our lives for good people. Get access to my guide to Paris at go.parisinmypo... and help me make better videos at / jayswanson 🥳
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My name is Jay Swanson - I'm an American writer living in Paris on an artist visa. Paris (yes the one in France) has been my home for years now and I have every intention of staying here for as long as they'll have me. I write science-fiction and fantasy, vlogged daily for 3+ years, and love pizza a little too much. Now I make videos about visiting Paris, traveling in Europe, and try to share what I've learned along the way. I hope you enjoyed what you found.
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My father always used to say … you can count true friends on one hand … you have lots of acquaintances but very few friends
Conversely, we must also ascertain that there are people who view us negatively and whom we should avoid contacting to avoid an uncomfortable situation. This weeding out "friends" thing is a two way street...
100% - gotta let go of worrying about being let go too 😅
"Don't fill your room with hee-bee-gee-bee people.!!" 😂😅😂👍👍👏👏👏. Great advice!!
Gotta dodge those ones haha
Love me some Swanson Sunday Coffee, man. And you went Kenyan this week! Niiiice!
Toxicity, plain and simple, is utterly exhausting. Soul-draining.
Thank you for your thoughts. Stay strong. 👍 I’m having my coffee & croissant also this morning in Henderson, Nevada. There are some French immigrants here in Nevada who have started up some fantastic cafe’s. Nothing can compare with Paris, but this is a really close second best.
I now have an ex-friend, because she gaslit me for years. I hung on to our friendship because I felt vulnerable and lonely. I am much happier without her, I have peace in my heart, and I have become my own best friend. Thank you for sharing this Jay.
I think that was the first RUclips self help video I've watched that was actually helpful.
Found my own life feeling lost a few years ago and realized some of my relationships were in fact toxic to me and I went through a "purge"... A few years later I still feel like I am picking up the pieces from the purge action... It's been painful....
It can take a really long time. Definitely worth it though, well done
@@JaySwanson Thank you
I envy your friendships! I would love to find friends like you have. Most of my friends have kids and live far away - and aren’t really available.
"Recovering people pleaser..." ai-ai-ai... that hits close to home 💪
It's a thing 😆
As we've discussed so much in the last few years, this is SO real. You know I've had to do this.... doesn't make it easier but it's important.
Well said...
Thanks
Hi Jay! I am really enjoying these coffee sessions! I think this was particularly informative and I agree with with the idea of weeding out the toxic or uninvested friendships… Life is hard enough and I have come to realize, as you have, if someone values your friendship, it will be definitely something you easily enjoy and look forward to! Cheers to good friendships👍🍷🙌🌷
Excellent advice. 🙂
Glad it was helpful!
Hi Jay: GOOD topic of conversation... Creating and maintaining relationships are not easy.
I am now in my 50's (Feel like I'm still in my 30's though), and I've gotten to the point in my life where I am just Open in relationships. I've learned over the years that clinging, over giving, people pleasing, being dismissive, pretending not to care about people, pretending to be someone I am not, etc. doesn't work. I've learned Just to Be Myself, and let things be. If I can make friends, that's Great, if not that's Fine too. I've learned that for me, if I can Feel/Have a Sense of Security in Myself, that I am, and I will be always okay :) Also, a constant for me is to maintain Positive Thoughts about myself, Others and Everyday Life in General; and this happens of course when I Remember to Feel/Have that Sense of Security and Well Being Within Myself. :) Psychology... Gotta Love It!
Love this. Thank you for sharing!
Dealing with toxic waste is best handled by professionals. Get that protective gear ready.
You are so wise! Great video!
Thank you so much!
You are good enough, Jay! Friends can come and go. It’s part of being human. Sometimes change is necessary to grow! Thanks for all you do, friend. 😁
Thank you! You too 🥂
Thank you for this ❤
You're welcome 😊
That's such a good observation, that loneliness can express itself as rage. I wouldn't have put the two together. Lack of connection is responsible for all kinds of unhealthy behavior
It's wild. Definitely not a low-stakes problem
Thanks for the chat. Friendships in expat life can be difficult. Now in my village, it’s people who don’t live here full time. I connect with them but they are not here. Here’s to positive people in your circle.
Thanks for sharing, I am glad to have one friend. I know a saying that I learned in my journeys though life, someone who wishes you well also wishes you fail. I didn't want to believe it but its true. Therefore I am glad to have one friend. 😊Merci
Wise words! One of the things I really enjoy about your vlogs is watching your interactions with many of the friends you share your time with. I marvel at the community you have built. You seem to have done well since the “lonely” days….which must have been, in actuality, a wonderful learning experience; an experience that has contributed to the benefits you now enjoy. I sooo enjoy your Sunday chats! Merci!!!
I'm so thankful that I found your account four years ago. I was looking for tips for my next Paris trip and I found validation. Thank you so much.
Sometimes it's tough to accept that the shoe doesn't fit. But we don't have to change/pretend, nor should anyone else. Twenty years passed until I finally understood what Avril Lavigne was singing about😅
Avril, the Bard of our generation 😆 Glad you found me too!
Pelloton folks come to mind…😂
😶🌫️😆
Thanks!
Thank *you* 🥂🎉
I imagine that friendships are particularly hard in the expat community because many people aren’t there permanently.
The fluidity of it definitely has its impact
This was a really nice chat. Lots of good truth! Thank you. 🙏🏼
Happy to ☕
My best friends are married and have children. I am not.
I did a lot with them, graduated, traveled……
So I never see them and I suffer from that and learn to live with that.
I hope they are happy and I am thinking of them a lot.
I hope I will see them again before dying.
I hope so too 🙏
I needed to hear this, thanks Jay!
Thanks for watching 🙏🙏
I also think there’s an amplification of loneliness if you are constantly surrounded by people. Especially if they are fleeting. Work colleagues verses friends. Ships passing in the night verses ships that are just harboured in different places… no idea where that metaphor came from 😂. Next time…pastries?
It's a mixed metaphor kinda day 😆
Need some more motivational workout footage! Jay's hitting the gym, I better too. Good thoughts on the quality of friendship. Friends exert subtle yet powerful forces on us, for sure. I hope you'll also discuss the importance and beauty of solitude at some point. I find myself when I'm completely alone. That's when I connect with "god", the world, life itself.
That's something I've definitely learned a lot from too
We should do a Horticulture course together. We’ll work on the garden analogy.
Ooooo the kettle is so nice!!
Quality over quantity IMO, you are right about toxicity.
Makes a huge difference
I have that space invader sticker I got from you in my desk.
👾🥰
Could you do a video on the Paris passes? Or if you like them?
Good content❤
Thanks 🙏
The challenge, at least for me, is bringing in new friends. Largely me and my puppy for now… 😞
Finding new friends is definitely hard. It's well worth the effort though 🙏 Hope you find some good ones soon!
Toxic people are tricky like turning this 🎈 into a 🐩...💥...oh 💩
Have you left toxic ‘friends’ behind? I stop referring them as friends, just move on and try to be a real friend to others. 🌴🌴Aloha
well said Jay! can we be friends ha
Oh dear who have you fallen out with? Don’t be cryptic. Spill the beans lad
I tend to be the one that reaches out to my friends. Most are not nearby and I see them in person rarely. I will get a little down occasionally and just stop. I stop reaching out and wait, who checks on me. Who sends a little note. It’s my way of creating a bonsai friendship garden. By doing this I probably can count on one hand those that will check in without me reaching out. My true friends
It's good to know where and how people fit into our lives and to adjust our expectations accordingly. All this relationship stuff is messy
I have been friends with someone for 25+ years, and every time, I am going through something they disappear, but when they are going through something, they lean on me to get through it. I have recently decided that I'm not ok with that. I haven't reached out to them in months. And they only reached out to me for a birthday party that they were having out. I have always paid for their birthday dinners before. I declined because I felt like they only reached out, so I would pay for them.
Same experiences throughout my journeys with others … Some are with me, enjoy spending time around me for all I can provide for them, for the great things I attract, all the while these same people envied or simply didn’t care about me
I totally relate .. I’m over being used
How fun we're having coffee together! I missed you this trip but I'm back in Minneapolis now and am looking at a fall return trip. I think I'm still on Paris time?! I had to fast for labs this morning but am now FINALLY getting to my bullet proof coffee and checking in with you.
Although we are called to help each other, we have to make sure that we aren't depleting ourselves because then we can't help anyone... Puxan is a definite keeper!
Have a fabulous week!!!
Good luck with the jetlag! Sounds like you're in for a wonderful Parisian year 🥂
I believe a friend to all is a friend to none. People use the word friend too loosely.
That's also very true
Gosh this video really hit it on the nail for me as a WIP people pleaser myself. I’ve definitely been able to let go of toxic individuals but it’s the neutral ones / fair weather friends that I struggle to let go of. Funnily enough this morning I decided I was going to just let go of the neutral ones too. The ones I want at my dinner party are so few because I know that these special humans have got my back. I totally get you - and I like what you said “that these people just don’t align with me anymore” truth. Great coffee catch up, I just gotta “let it goooooo” 👌🏽
I likely “found” your channel because I love travelling to France + hope to relocate some day. Really enjoy your content about this different Paris arrondissements + your adventures. This was perhaps mure personal than usual + so, so great! Helpful, caring, non-judgmental, courageous! I did a little letting go that has been helpful, but also I have some friends I adore with whom I do not make enough time for. Thank you for this important video!
As with many words in our society, I feel that the word toxic is overused and weaponized. So I always ask for specific examples to understand what meaning the person using the word is giving it. I've found that even people who are toxic use the word to label others who try to call them out or hold them accountable.
An ecological model of friendship
Recovering People Pleaser lmao that hit too close to home. #HeebieJeebiePeople