A 12th one is that they *actually* spoil the child, i.e. they buy them toys or candy or other desired items to either divert the child's attention or calm the child down because they either can't teach the child to self-regulate (because they lack the skills) or they don't want to or don't see it as their role or don't think it's important or any other number of excuses. They pacify through materialism instead of through empathy.
My one ex-friend's mom would give her friends (aka me and others) and her daughter fancy bags when we'd see them fight. No wonder she's more materialistic than me. I got other issues but thanks for the fucked up gift I guess?
Hey Pauline, what a great video! So much on point! Could you perhaps do a video on siblings (like the FA being the scapegoat for the whole family while a sibling is the chosen child)? This is such a rough part for my beloved FA partner being always put behind her brother. 😢
Hi Pauline! I would love if you would make a video about children behaving how their parents expect or maybe that's not the correct way to put it. You Mentioned that if a parent thinks their child is bad they will behave bad. That would be so helpful For me!
Hi Paulien, could you make a video on what to do when you have a negative view of your partner? I hear you talk a lot about thew FA's negative self-view, and you've even talked about your experience with your partner showing you unconditional love, and what they felt like and how it helped you heal. I'm wondering, as an AF, who tends to have negative self-view and a negative view of others, how to over come when you can't give your partner the same unconditional love they can show you. Thank you!
'Not being told they're proud of you' is a common one I've found with insecure attachment styles (and I think the fear you mention of them caring more about what other people think/their own standards plays into this) This so commonly leads to overcompensating - out of a need for external validation - later in life.
I have such a hard time with feeling anger. I began having anger issues but only really with my mom who was physically abusive and didn't let me have any space when I was about 14. Other people can show anger however they want and it's fine, but if I respond to their anger with anger, that's not okay. You can be emotional and have problems, but I can't because I'm too young. I'm supposed to mediate your "relationship" or lack thereof. I have to be the bigger person even when it makes me feel so much resentment and don't take care of myself. But I can get really angry if I don't take care of myself and make that other people's problem which isn't right. It's so hard to chill out and focus on what I want. It's not even as interesting to me sometimes depending on what it is
The 'dismissive" parent when a toy is taken I can relate to my own younger years, isn't it strange how what we can view as such trivial things can have so much lasting impact. Great topic 😊 very well explained 😊
Paulien my parents were very busy, lots of smart projects! They also were very controlling, my mom was always working etc, etc. I am a fearful avoidant mostly because it's not worth it for me, to risk being hurt, again by a combo of picking the wrong one. Being lonely isn't ideal is it? So God gives us a life time of figuring it out.
Thank you Pauline for all your wonderful videos on healing FA attachment style. I wondered if you have a video specifically on when you feel like you can't be vulnerable and want to run from someone who is emotionally safe? I recently met someone who is kind, listens well but I feel completely unsafe being vulnerable. In contrast, I tend to share more with people who sometimes advice give or inadvertently invalidate my reality. I don't understand why I feel so unsafe with someone who it seems I should feel safe with, and then share more with people who are not good for me. Thank you!
A 12th one is that they *actually* spoil the child, i.e. they buy them toys or candy or other desired items to either divert the child's attention or calm the child down because they either can't teach the child to self-regulate (because they lack the skills) or they don't want to or don't see it as their role or don't think it's important or any other number of excuses. They pacify through materialism instead of through empathy.
Or have the TV on all the time like my parents.
A very nice insight. Thank you for sharing❤
My one ex-friend's mom would give her friends (aka me and others) and her daughter fancy bags when we'd see them fight. No wonder she's more materialistic than me. I got other issues but thanks for the fucked up gift I guess?
Hey Pauline, what a great video! So much on point! Could you perhaps do a video on siblings (like the FA being the scapegoat for the whole family while a sibling is the chosen child)? This is such a rough part for my beloved FA partner being always put behind her brother. 😢
Thank you for sharing. I will look into this!❤
Hi Pauline! I would love if you would make a video about children behaving how their parents expect or maybe that's not the correct way to put it. You
Mentioned that if a parent thinks their child is bad they will behave bad. That would be so helpful
For me!
Good idea! I will look into this! ❤
Thank you, Paulien!
Thank you for being here❤
Hi Paulien, could you make a video on what to do when you have a negative view of your partner? I hear you talk a lot about thew FA's negative self-view, and you've even talked about your experience with your partner showing you unconditional love, and what they felt like and how it helped you heal. I'm wondering, as an AF, who tends to have negative self-view and a negative view of others, how to over come when you can't give your partner the same unconditional love they can show you. Thank you!
Thanks for sharing! I will look into this❤
'Not being told they're proud of you' is a common one I've found with insecure attachment styles (and I think the fear you mention of them caring more about what other people think/their own standards plays into this)
This so commonly leads to overcompensating - out of a need for external validation - later in life.
So true! Thanks for sharing your insight❤
I have such a hard time with feeling anger. I began having anger issues but only really with my mom who was physically abusive and didn't let me have any space when I was about 14. Other people can show anger however they want and it's fine, but if I respond to their anger with anger, that's not okay. You can be emotional and have problems, but I can't because I'm too young. I'm supposed to mediate your "relationship" or lack thereof. I have to be the bigger person even when it makes me feel so much resentment and don't take care of myself. But I can get really angry if I don't take care of myself and make that other people's problem which isn't right. It's so hard to chill out and focus on what I want. It's not even as interesting to me sometimes depending on what it is
Thank you for sharing your story! ❤
The 'dismissive" parent when a toy is taken I can relate to my own younger years, isn't it strange how what we can view as such trivial things can have so much lasting impact. Great topic 😊 very well explained 😊
This things can have such a huge impact! ❤
Very much the roots of trauma @@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870
Paulien my parents were very busy, lots of smart projects! They also were very controlling, my mom was always working etc, etc. I am a fearful avoidant mostly because it's not worth it for me, to risk being hurt, again by a combo of picking the wrong one. Being lonely isn't ideal is it? So God gives us a life time of figuring it out.
Thank you for this.
Do you think the fact your parents acknowledge things helped in the healing? Is there an approach if the parents are not present?
Thank you Pauline for all your wonderful videos on healing FA attachment style. I wondered if you have a video specifically on when you feel like you can't be vulnerable and want to run from someone who is emotionally safe? I recently met someone who is kind, listens well but I feel completely unsafe being vulnerable. In contrast, I tend to share more with people who sometimes advice give or inadvertently invalidate my reality. I don't understand why I feel so unsafe with someone who it seems I should feel safe with, and then share more with people who are not good for me. Thank you!