I am SO excited to announce that I've launched a 4+ hour relationship skills course: psychologywithdrana.learnworlds.com/course/the-connection-course For those of you who like videos such as this one and want more, definitely check it out :)
This is seriously reassuring for me, since I am literally scared by fights. In my family was normal to fight, and I have grown up hating it: the screams, the insults, the belittling... I can't help to start crying every time I have a fight with someone because of all of this
It's worth noting that although that kind of violent fighting really should not be tolerated in any relationship, being scared in the face of even mild conflict or criticism is a signal of anxious attachment which comes with its own host of problems. It's important to get used to the idea of "just because this person doesn't like one thing I do doesn't mean they're unhappy with me or going to leave me."
In my family when i was little it was the same too, whenever i would confront someone i just end up crying my heart out because it triggers my childhood trauma as well
It’s indeed one of the ways that our culture normalizes abuse. I’ve never had a fight with my partner. From the very beginning I told him I don’t believe that fighting is normal, it’s a hard boundary.
13:57 !! “verbal abuse is things like : » intentionally instilling painful emotions in the other person » demeaning them » making it very clear that you don't respect them » that you see them as unworthy or less than you » it could include insults » taking cheap jabs at things that you know are meaningful and hurtful to them » guilting them » shaming them » making them scared » blaming them for everything » yelling at them » completely turning off your empathy for them » getting very callous » not listening to them”
Literally all of those is something my brother does to me and our parents. He's just incapable of having a civil and serious discussion and it's the most annoying thing to me especially because I see how extremely manipulative and abusive he is, but there is no way you can stop him until he calms down
My boyfriend and I have never fought so far. We had disagreements and some deeper discussions, but no fights and no arguing. We talked about how we're going to handle a potential fight and agreed that sooner or later we're probably going to get into an argument and it's unavoidable, but neither of us wants to deal with drama in our relationship so we want to resolve our conflicts peacefully. I hope we can do it!
I grew up in a family where my mother was totally emotionally unstable, her reactions to things were completely unpredictable and a father who would rage and scream at me at the top of his lungs when she got upset if it was something I did or not. It took me a really long time to see just how unhealthy and problematic that is. I still absoultely hate if I hear anyone screaming.
I nerver learned how to handle a disagrement properly, I saw violent fights all troughout my life, my partner too. As our relationship grew we realised we didn't know how to resolve conflict, nor how to handle it. We're trying to learn how to do it in a healthy way, and this video comes at the right timing, I know this will help us, thanks !
Same. It's going to be an uphill battle building back the respect and trust for each other, but I believe we can do it. Sending love to you guys, it takes a lot to heal those old wounds.
I was in a very unhealthy relationship for almost 5 years (I ended it in Feb of 2022 because of verbal abuse and not feeling respected) and when Ana brought up that foundations of care and respect doesn't just disintegrate in conflict it really hit home for me. I always felt like when conflict arose, all respect or a sense that he cared about his words and actions went out the window. He was never able to regulate his emotions and would stonewall me and I would get increased heartrate and bad anxiety from even the smallest conflicts to the point where I walked on eggshells and I always just took the path of least resistance even if that isn't what I wanted. I have issues communicating needs and boundaries with others now because I fear punishment, but I'm slowly making progress. I'm leaving a lot of details out, but I recognize that I didn't deserve any of the things I experienced and still struggle sometimes with validating it all because I don't want to make it seem like "oh I'm just making it out to be worse than it was." I couldn't talk to my family about the relationship until after we were broken up because he wanted us to keep relationship stuff between us, if I had talked to them about anything they would have told me to leave and maybe I wouldn't have stayed so long, but I've learned a lot of things, one of which is to never give your power away or let someone tell you who you can or can't talk to.
Clicked straight away. Thank you Ana , you've helped me a lot. I used to unconsciously do toxic things, you've been a savior. Thank you. Lots of well wishes for you
I think this topic is so important because some people feel that having a disagreement and talking through it until it's resolved .. as a "fight". I'm here for more explanations of healthy conflict and healthy conversations. A lot of people really struggle with how they communicate and I wish more people were eager to learn better ways to handle these types of scenarios without projecting or berating another person.
Hi Ana! I love the fact you update your old videos and always trying to improve. In an age of "psychology" tiktoks that last 5 seconds and toxic positivity memes, it is refreshing to see the community you created over here. It is ok to make mistakes and it is so nice that nuances are highlighted on this channel. That really shows your academic and scientific mindset. Keep up with the good work! I've been following you in a year and I'll keep doing so
I am so glad that every time I watch one of these videos on healthy vs toxic/bound to fail relationships I recognize that my girlfriend and I are doing things right. Just last week we had a small conflict that got me slightly flooded because of the nature of the conflict. However, she quickly helped deescalate my emotions by reassuring me that the problem she brought up would not put our relationship in jeopardy and by trying and managing to understand why I felt that way about what she said. I also was able to understand her perspective later, which is why it was easy for us to reach a resolution to this problem very quickly, instead of staying mad at each other for days.
I wish I had discovered your channel years ago. I left an abusive relationship almost a year ago (it’ll be a year at the end of the month!), and it’s so wild looking back at all the things I thought were normal now that I’m away from that environment.
Some points really hit home here. First of all, I've experienced a partner stonewalling before, during conflicts, and tried calling them out on it so many times but I found it hard to describe why it was a problem. They often turned it on me and said that their head was empty and that I'm causing them to shut down. Unfortunately when I'm sharing how my needs haven't been met or how I've been hurt and the other person just stops engaging, it feels like what I'm saying isn't important to them. It's interesting to see that there's a correlation and that relationships with this dynamic often don't last, that was the case for me. Secondly, the point of verbal abuse was interesting too. The criteria for verbal abuse is surprisingly wider than I thought, and some of the things you listed, I felt like were normal but actually are abusive. Such as blame, absence of empathy, shaming and not listening. It puts into perspective that some past relationships were worse than I had thought. Thanks so much for the insights!!
When my partner and I have conflicts, we always try to be not just respectful, but charitable. We try to see each other’s perspective and reach a common understanding. We both try to be considerate of each other’s needs while honoring our own boundaries.
This is seriously the best and most important video on relationship dynamics I have ever seen. I so badly wish my wife could see everything so objectively. She loves stronger than anyone when times are good. But the slightest little conflict, love vanishes, she completely surrenders to emotional impulsivity, and anger sadness, etc. Hopefully I can communicate some of these concepts to her at some point.
really happy to have found your content, as someone who's been struggling to enter in a new relationship (had bad ones in the past) your videos are making me better understand a lot of things that may help me in the future. Thanks a lot!
Been watching your videos for a while, and this is the first I've heard the switch from "candidate" to "intern". Good for you! Hope you are moving along a successful career and you deserve all the best. Cheers.
Im waiting to go to a counsellor to talk to someone and help figure everything out. Im in the healthiest relationship ive ever been in. Im 28. Every relationship prior to this one was abusive or toxic. Or just while I was young. Your videos help me SO much in navigating my current relationship. Reassuring to me that a lot of the things we are going thru together are normal and we'll be okay. There is alot about my fears and inner feelings that I dont want to share yet before Ive talked to a counsellor. He is a huge support and has helped me through so much but Im learning that a lot of healing and figuring things out needs to be done alone too. Im trying to balance that. We have had a few conflicts that have repeated recently and Im worried they are going to become a cycle and start to fight about it.
The hardest thing for me to get out of my head is that romantic scene in every movie of a couple yelling at each other that them brings them together again
Today is set aside to compose emails addressing quality of life disagrerments with co-owners of a small condominium. On days like these I often don't know if my time nput is going to yield a reciprocal output. Thanks, this video is enlightening. It's helpful to hear about so much positivity and cues on how to create it in the face of disagreement.
Seeing the four horsemen was humbling as all of those were once present in a previous relationship that failed and absent in the beautiful relationship I’m in now
Very good distinction between conflict and fighting, and also your optimism is much appreciated and needed not just in the realm of romance and dating, but as a general outlook! I always look forward to your videos professionally/academically and personally. I find myself nodding more than a few times in agreement at your points and commentary! Thank you for your channel and the work that you do Ana! :D
No matter how gently I bring something up my spouse is activated because they have panic disorder. They're in therapy and in medication but it's not under control after decades of treatment. I do my best but I have C-PTSD myself (I'm in treatment a few years now) and I often feel that I have to ignore my needs because my spouse can't handle the discussion that needs to happen.
Ana I liked your whole hearted talk about conflict. You set the bar for positively quite high. Maybe a very good place for it because we all inevitability fall short. I have to say though that your are breaking my heart. The term Fiancée is not just French to me. I know what it mean. 😂🎉 congratulations.
Fiancé? Congratulations Ana! I’ve been watching you for a while and I’m pretty sure is the first time you say “fiancé” instead of “boyfriend”. I wish you a lot fun and love in your wedding 🌟🎆
so happy you made this so so so so happy , i've never been in a romantic relationship and i've always thought it was extremely weird how it's worded as well
Great topic and presentation. I love the points about "foundation of positivity" had to learn this intuitively and over time. Wasn't raised in an atmosphere of this type of consideration for others. As I've grown more secure with myself, it seems as if there, simply is, no need to get upset. Listening with understanding feels so much better and so much closer to the other person. If I feel any anger, it's usually for myself if I get off balance. There just is simply, no reason to.
The problem seems to be break down in communication between two people one could be not communicating properly or clearly what they want or needs or in a case of fights it's possible that it might be a misunderstanding that has blown into a big issue that really a big issue in the first place . It's normal to have conflict or disagreements what's not healthy at least to me is tearing down one another or it gets to a point where it gets abusive that can be a sign that the persons involved shouldn't be together because it's toxic anyway, good video Ana.
So, I agree with the overall thesis in this completely and personally, fighting of any intensity crosses a boundary for me. But the part around 7:00 where you take the conclusion that if you fall into maladaptive behaviour in conflict and can't regulate that, that this should make you think whether you actually like each other, I feel is a foregone conclusion. To me it appears like saying that a father whose emotional upbringing has made them very closed off and who ends up failing to connect with their children, is just simply not loving their kids properly in the first place. I understand the key point being that maybe a relationship isnt a good idea if communication and conflict dont work out, but I felt quite upset by the idea of making this about 'intrinsic love', as I understood your remark to be about. Of course, I could be totally misreading your line. I'd be very happy to know what notion of love you intended there, because I have had the experience of talking to people and finding out theirs is fundamentally restricted to 'ideal' sorts of affection and commitment where everything works automatically, and discarding the strenuous work that a lot of relationships face.
What about feeling uncontrollably sad? If there is a problem that no one is guilty for, maybe one person occasionally having romantic thoughts about a third person for a long time that they can't control and the other person experiences strong emotions that they can't cope with well? No one gets rude, but it leaves a very bitter feeling afterwards
I struggle with getting uncontrollably sad. Sometimes this can be in reaction to something my fiancé says or doesn't say. He's so kind, it's not his fault. Therefore, I feel bad telling him that I'm sad because of something he said because I don't want to make him feel on edge in the future, like he can't say anything. Luckily, he's super chill and doesn't take much heed of me in that regard 😂. We're very different which can lead to communication issues.
We really appreciate your hard work you put on these amazing videos. I always struggle to come out with responses when people try to make fun of something I have no words to respond back it’s like my mind is in blank and empty, but few minutes later I’m like “I should have said that”. Any exercises to to practice to help me to think faster and come out with words right at the moment??
Thank you for these videos. I wish that I had found your channel sooner, maybe I would have been able to save my relationship 😞. Regardless this knowledge will help me to be better in the future. Whether with my ex or with someone new.
Dumplin' did you forget my mom disclosed to you, that she taught me that confrontation don't have to get ugly. And to see through that, anytime she talked to you about this
with my ex, every conflict ended in a fight. This was one of the reasons they're my ex. I used to even get physiologically flooded by only thinking about maybe getting into a conflict situation.
What I would like to know is where to draw the lines between good-hearted teasing and veiled criticism. I’m highly reactive to perceived jabs, but have learned to also grow sarcastic and passive-aggressive myself, thus may throw back something sharp when the initial jab wasn’t meant to wound me. How to know whether banter has crossed the line into negging etc.? (My psychiatrist poked fun at me, and weeks later I still can’t decide how I want to react to this, but it didn’t feel fun or friendly to me)
When you start to loose your identity and your partner makes you doubt everything you know to be true, that is when you know they are trying to hide something and control the narrative. Then when you want to talk about things you would like to work out in the relationship they get defensive and say your "too sensitive", that right there is toxic 🤮 and will not lead to a good outcome.
i love this. i remember ur first video on conflict vs fighting. as someone who gets very anxious during conflict due to not being able to have healthy communication and conflict resolution with my family, i need to be with a partner who sits down with me and talks things through in a mature and loving manner rather than being malicious. also super irrelevant ana but i love the way u did ur hair today!!🤍
I would love to see a video with your thoughts on cussing more in depth. I do think that it can heighten a situation and cause the other person to have a physiological and defensive response. On the other hand there were some popularly cited studies in the past few years that are reported to suggest people who cuss more are more intelligent, creative, honest, and handle pain better. I suppose it could depend on the context and how you direct those words what effect they might have. Would love to hear your take!
my ex and i used to have “healthy” conflicts that would last for hours and be weekly and almost daily on the final days of the relationship. i wonder if it was that way because, in reality, they were not as healthy as we thought, or if it was just a matter of compatibility, or both
My biggest issue in arguing w my bf is feeling like if hes upset about something then its my fault and I have to manage his emotions, I really have to stay on top of it.
Ana I can’t thank you enough for how pertinent this is. I am currently navigating moving back into my mom’s house, and we have a history of unhealthy conflict stemming from her narcissistic personality traits. It’s very painful to be in her presence sometimes since she is unable to take accountability for her role in our conflicts and usually just ends up blaming me and what she perceives as my innate character flaws (the list becomes longer and longer lol). Anyways, thank you so much for the work that you do. You’re truly helping people.
Someone should put a cortisol detector in apple watches. Would be so much useful for relatioships and life. I will know who is stressing me out and when.
Clear boundaries for the self and relationships helps. I would recommend the book "The four agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Easy short read, I'd like to hear your thoughts.
How do we fix it if we are having negative arguments most of the time during conflict? Really hoping my relationship is not doomed- thank you for this though as I've realised how much I stonewall when getting overwhelmed from arguments.
Very interesting, the video presents considerable interest in the topic, However it seem to restate previous conclusions and draw on many of the same sources.
You seem to have this backwards, from the very dictionary it says "a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one." of CONFLICT. If a conflict is a type of argument, then I'd argue it's different from what you're trying to portray it as. Then we have argument which is "the act or process of arguing, reasoning, or discussing" which doesn't even have to involve anger...
Both me and my partner like to curse and ay "bad" words at each other because we always found it funny , its our habit, over the years we became immune to feeling anything bad from it even if we sometimes do it in a moment of anger, as a result we can't feel disrespected from each other like ever, we just can't help but laugh it off xD
If a person is getting physiologically flooded whose fault is it? Is it their partner’s fault for triggering them or is it the person’s fault for not knowing how to regulate their emotions.?
In my opinion, that sounds like they're trying to manipulate/control you to behave and act a certain way. They're also breaking your trust by using what should be a stable foundation of a relationship and basically saying "this stability doesn't exist if things don't stay positive or neutral all the time." The fact she's using this as a weapon against you is not a great sign of her internal mindset either - even if she has old traumas and responses she needs to work on, being unable to work through minor conflicts with you is unhealthy and you shouldn't tolerate this emotionally abusive behaviour from someone who is supposed to care about you.
Question about “what’s this” vs “what the hell is this.” Asking from a place of curiosity here. Doesn’t this violate Carl Rogers’ rule of congruence? I’d love to hear more about this.
So if I get overwhelmed and flooded and I mildly dissociate in a fight, then I am stonewalling? Also, how is stonewalling which has a negative connotation, different from the gray rock technique? Both behaviors involve withdrawing yourself from someone. Kinda amusing that both include ‘rock’ and ‘stone’.
I noticed becoming evaluated by this video. Could you explain self soothing strategies in more detail? Could be interesting to see you and you partner demonstrate a health example of a conflict. I understand the concept though seeing it would really help role model change. Could imagine that would be rather embarrassing or to confidential to share.
Learning how to fight is as important as learning how to avoid fights. Being unprepared is when the unpredictable happens. It's all part of the art of self-defense. In the octagon of life, the term 'abuse' does not exist. Train, or stay in the audience. Good session.
Could my older son ( 23 ) be stonewalling or something negative like that ? He is the only one in the family that sits in his room all day long with the door closed. He beardly talks to us and when he does it has a very passive aggressive tone. We all try give him as much affection as possible and I agree with you that we could explain how we feel yet even with a gentle tone or matching the mood he just shuts down so quickly.
You should talk to Destiny. He's a popular politics streamer on YT who also dives into relationship topics often (recently about toxic redpill advice). He streams most days from 1pm EST to 10pm EST. He talks to about anyone who wants to chat impromptu
Hi Ana, would you consider a partner who semi-frequently (~once every 2 months or so) becomes extremely anxious about almost everything, and their partner has to talk them back to reality over several hours, a "fight"? I find this happening in my 3-year-long relationship, and I am happy helping my partner get through this, but I am just worried that this could turn into something worse in the long term.
This went into actual relationships further than I have ever been to have some sort of opinions or observation to share POV... Next up... Did the Egg came first... or The Chicken... Meaning... I have never been into long term partnership intimate relationship because I am not interested into stuffs like that... or I am not interested in stuffs like that because I have never been interacting with them personally... There can of course always been analogies and such, yada yada... But probably not... If you are capable to do it... you do it... if not you whine about it in the comments of RUclips Videos on the internet... I won`t share my further thoughts, because I don`t want them in written.
I am SO excited to announce that I've launched a 4+ hour relationship skills course: psychologywithdrana.learnworlds.com/course/the-connection-course
For those of you who like videos such as this one and want more, definitely check it out :)
This is seriously reassuring for me, since I am literally scared by fights. In my family was normal to fight, and I have grown up hating it: the screams, the insults, the belittling... I can't help to start crying every time I have a fight with someone because of all of this
It's worth noting that although that kind of violent fighting really should not be tolerated in any relationship, being scared in the face of even mild conflict or criticism is a signal of anxious attachment which comes with its own host of problems. It's important to get used to the idea of "just because this person doesn't like one thing I do doesn't mean they're unhappy with me or going to leave me."
i totally feel this. i hope we can both combat these fears and learn how to deal with fights in an open and mature manner 🤗🫶🏼
I hope you find your way out of this! I also grew up in a violent environment.
In my family when i was little it was the same too, whenever i would confront someone i just end up crying my heart out because it triggers my childhood trauma as well
It’s indeed one of the ways that our culture normalizes abuse. I’ve never had a fight with my partner. From the very beginning I told him I don’t believe that fighting is normal, it’s a hard boundary.
13:57 !!
“verbal abuse is things like :
» intentionally instilling painful emotions in the other person
» demeaning them
» making it very clear that you don't respect them
» that you see them as unworthy or less than you
» it could include insults
» taking cheap jabs at things that you know are meaningful and hurtful to them
» guilting them
» shaming them
» making them scared
» blaming them for everything
» yelling at them
» completely turning off your empathy for them
» getting very callous
» not listening to them”
Literally all of those is something my brother does to me and our parents. He's just incapable of having a civil and serious discussion and it's the most annoying thing to me especially because I see how extremely manipulative and abusive he is, but there is no way you can stop him until he calms down
This is how a normal conversation between my parents go lololol.
My boyfriend and I have never fought so far. We had disagreements and some deeper discussions, but no fights and no arguing. We talked about how we're going to handle a potential fight and agreed that sooner or later we're probably going to get into an argument and it's unavoidable, but neither of us wants to deal with drama in our relationship so we want to resolve our conflicts peacefully. I hope we can do it!
I grew up in a family where my mother was totally emotionally unstable, her reactions to things were completely unpredictable and a father who would rage and scream at me at the top of his lungs when she got upset if it was something I did or not. It took me a really long time to see just how unhealthy and problematic that is. I still absoultely hate if I hear anyone screaming.
This may or may not be pertinent to your situation, but I have a video coming on growing up with a BPD mom!
@@AnaPsychology I'm not sure what she has but BPD is up there. Will check it out for sure, thanks for your super informative videos!
I nerver learned how to handle a disagrement properly, I saw violent fights all troughout my life, my partner too. As our relationship grew we realised we didn't know how to resolve conflict, nor how to handle it. We're trying to learn how to do it in a healthy way, and this video comes at the right timing, I know this will help us, thanks !
Same. It's going to be an uphill battle building back the respect and trust for each other, but I believe we can do it. Sending love to you guys, it takes a lot to heal those old wounds.
I was in a very unhealthy relationship for almost 5 years (I ended it in Feb of 2022 because of verbal abuse and not feeling respected) and when Ana brought up that foundations of care and respect doesn't just disintegrate in conflict it really hit home for me. I always felt like when conflict arose, all respect or a sense that he cared about his words and actions went out the window. He was never able to regulate his emotions and would stonewall me and I would get increased heartrate and bad anxiety from even the smallest conflicts to the point where I walked on eggshells and I always just took the path of least resistance even if that isn't what I wanted. I have issues communicating needs and boundaries with others now because I fear punishment, but I'm slowly making progress. I'm leaving a lot of details out, but I recognize that I didn't deserve any of the things I experienced and still struggle sometimes with validating it all because I don't want to make it seem like "oh I'm just making it out to be worse than it was." I couldn't talk to my family about the relationship until after we were broken up because he wanted us to keep relationship stuff between us, if I had talked to them about anything they would have told me to leave and maybe I wouldn't have stayed so long, but I've learned a lot of things, one of which is to never give your power away or let someone tell you who you can or can't talk to.
Clicked straight away. Thank you Ana , you've helped me a lot. I used to unconsciously do toxic things, you've been a savior. Thank you. Lots of well wishes for you
I'm loving all of the relationship / love convos you're bringing to the table lately!
I think this topic is so important because some people feel that having a disagreement and talking through it until it's resolved .. as a "fight". I'm here for more explanations of healthy conflict and healthy conversations. A lot of people really struggle with how they communicate and I wish more people were eager to learn better ways to handle these types of scenarios without projecting or berating another person.
Hi Ana! I love the fact you update your old videos and always trying to improve. In an age of "psychology" tiktoks that last 5 seconds and toxic positivity memes, it is refreshing to see the community you created over here. It is ok to make mistakes and it is so nice that nuances are highlighted on this channel. That really shows your academic and scientific mindset. Keep up with the good work! I've been following you in a year and I'll keep doing so
I am so glad that every time I watch one of these videos on healthy vs toxic/bound to fail relationships I recognize that my girlfriend and I are doing things right.
Just last week we had a small conflict that got me slightly flooded because of the nature of the conflict. However, she quickly helped deescalate my emotions by reassuring me that the problem she brought up would not put our relationship in jeopardy and by trying and managing to understand why I felt that way about what she said. I also was able to understand her perspective later, which is why it was easy for us to reach a resolution to this problem very quickly, instead of staying mad at each other for days.
I wish I had discovered your channel years ago. I left an abusive relationship almost a year ago (it’ll be a year at the end of the month!), and it’s so wild looking back at all the things I thought were normal now that I’m away from that environment.
Some points really hit home here.
First of all, I've experienced a partner stonewalling before, during conflicts, and tried calling them out on it so many times but I found it hard to describe why it was a problem. They often turned it on me and said that their head was empty and that I'm causing them to shut down. Unfortunately when I'm sharing how my needs haven't been met or how I've been hurt and the other person just stops engaging, it feels like what I'm saying isn't important to them. It's interesting to see that there's a correlation and that relationships with this dynamic often don't last, that was the case for me.
Secondly, the point of verbal abuse was interesting too. The criteria for verbal abuse is surprisingly wider than I thought, and some of the things you listed, I felt like were normal but actually are abusive. Such as blame, absence of empathy, shaming and not listening. It puts into perspective that some past relationships were worse than I had thought. Thanks so much for the insights!!
When my partner and I have conflicts, we always try to be not just respectful, but charitable. We try to see each other’s perspective and reach a common understanding. We both try to be considerate of each other’s needs while honoring our own boundaries.
amazing topic and video as always! thanks for making content, ana. off topic but fiancé? y'all got engaged! congratulations, im so happy for you
Thank you!🥰 it’s a joyous time for sure
This is seriously the best and most important video on relationship dynamics I have ever seen. I so badly wish my wife could see everything so objectively. She loves stronger than anyone when times are good. But the slightest little conflict, love vanishes, she completely surrenders to emotional impulsivity, and anger sadness, etc. Hopefully I can communicate some of these concepts to her at some point.
really happy to have found your content, as someone who's been struggling to enter in a new relationship (had bad ones in the past) your videos are making me better understand a lot of things that may help me in the future. Thanks a lot!
Been watching your videos for a while, and this is the first I've heard the switch from "candidate" to "intern". Good for you! Hope you are moving along a successful career and you deserve all the best. Cheers.
love your videos
Ana is so dope, her videos are always nuanced, well thought out, and a breath of fresh air overall
you're amazing 😭😭😭 i love how you explain things
Im waiting to go to a counsellor to talk to someone and help figure everything out. Im in the healthiest relationship ive ever been in. Im 28. Every relationship prior to this one was abusive or toxic. Or just while I was young. Your videos help me SO much in navigating my current relationship. Reassuring to me that a lot of the things we are going thru together are normal and we'll be okay. There is alot about my fears and inner feelings that I dont want to share yet before Ive talked to a counsellor. He is a huge support and has helped me through so much but Im learning that a lot of healing and figuring things out needs to be done alone too. Im trying to balance that. We have had a few conflicts that have repeated recently and Im worried they are going to become a cycle and start to fight about it.
The hardest thing for me to get out of my head is that romantic scene in every movie of a couple yelling at each other that them brings them together again
Congrats on your engagement, that's wonderful!
I love your videos. You're so insightful and well spoken. Relationships take work and we can always strive to be healthier in how we relate to others
Today is set aside to compose emails addressing quality of life disagrerments with co-owners of a small condominium. On days like these I often don't know if my time nput is going to yield a reciprocal output. Thanks, this video is enlightening. It's helpful to hear about so much positivity and cues on how to create it in the face of disagreement.
No one should raise their voice, put down, be little or abuse physically and/or mentally to one another..
13:29 it's called tug "of" war but i love that you said tug and war and it still works in context 😂
Thank you for the video. I just called off my wedding because I feel we need to work on ourselves, this video is very helpful and inspiring.
Hi Ana! Please make a video on the 4 horsemen.. Absolutely love your content
You can see this portrayed in boy meets world! I've learnt so much about healthy relationships based on the dynamics of the show (at least up to s4)
Seeing the four horsemen was humbling as all of those were once present in a previous relationship that failed and absent in the beautiful relationship I’m in now
Love this channel so much. Thank you for creating videos all these years, Ana! ❤
Very good distinction between conflict and fighting, and also your optimism is much appreciated and needed not just in the realm of romance and dating, but as a general outlook! I always look forward to your videos professionally/academically and personally. I find myself nodding more than a few times in agreement at your points and commentary! Thank you for your channel and the work that you do Ana! :D
No matter how gently I bring something up my spouse is activated because they have panic disorder. They're in therapy and in medication but it's not under control after decades of treatment. I do my best but I have C-PTSD myself (I'm in treatment a few years now) and I often feel that I have to ignore my needs because my spouse can't handle the discussion that needs to happen.
Thank you so much❤❤❤
Ana I liked your whole hearted talk about conflict. You set the bar for positively quite high. Maybe a very good place for it because we all inevitability fall short. I have to say though that your are breaking my heart. The term Fiancée is not just French to me. I know what it mean. 😂🎉 congratulations.
This should be required viewing for everyone, like, once a year after we turn 16 lol
This is the one right here. I've had relationship breakups over this.
Fiancé? Congratulations Ana! I’ve been watching you for a while and I’m pretty sure is the first time you say “fiancé” instead of “boyfriend”. I wish you a lot fun and love in your wedding 🌟🎆
so happy you made this so so so so happy , i've never been in a romantic relationship and i've always thought it was extremely weird how it's worded as well
13:30 Contradiction, as in Monty Python's Argument Clinic.
Great topic and presentation. I love the points about "foundation of positivity" had to learn this intuitively and over time. Wasn't raised in an atmosphere of this type of consideration for others. As I've grown more secure with myself, it seems as if there, simply is, no need to get upset. Listening with understanding feels so much better and so much closer to the other person. If I feel any anger, it's usually for myself if I get off balance. There just is simply, no reason to.
I don't often subscribe, but when I do... It's You :)
The problem seems to be break down in communication between two people one could be not communicating properly or clearly what they want or needs or in a case of fights it's possible that it might be a misunderstanding that has blown into a big issue that really a big issue in the first place . It's normal to have conflict or disagreements what's not healthy at least to me is tearing down one another or it gets to a point where it gets abusive that can be a sign that the persons involved shouldn't be together because it's toxic anyway, good video Ana.
So, I agree with the overall thesis in this completely and personally, fighting of any intensity crosses a boundary for me. But the part around 7:00 where you take the conclusion that if you fall into maladaptive behaviour in conflict and can't regulate that, that this should make you think whether you actually like each other, I feel is a foregone conclusion. To me it appears like saying that a father whose emotional upbringing has made them very closed off and who ends up failing to connect with their children, is just simply not loving their kids properly in the first place. I understand the key point being that maybe a relationship isnt a good idea if communication and conflict dont work out, but I felt quite upset by the idea of making this about 'intrinsic love', as I understood your remark to be about.
Of course, I could be totally misreading your line.
I'd be very happy to know what notion of love you intended there, because I have had the experience of talking to people and finding out theirs is fundamentally restricted to 'ideal' sorts of affection and commitment where everything works automatically, and discarding the strenuous work that a lot of relationships face.
What about feeling uncontrollably sad?
If there is a problem that no one is guilty for, maybe one person occasionally having romantic thoughts about a third person for a long time that they can't control and the other person experiences strong emotions that they can't cope with well? No one gets rude, but it leaves a very bitter feeling afterwards
I struggle with getting uncontrollably sad. Sometimes this can be in reaction to something my fiancé says or doesn't say. He's so kind, it's not his fault. Therefore, I feel bad telling him that I'm sad because of something he said because I don't want to make him feel on edge in the future, like he can't say anything. Luckily, he's super chill and doesn't take much heed of me in that regard 😂. We're very different which can lead to communication issues.
Can you make a video about loss of libido / asexuality? (Even though they’re different things)
how do we recover from this type of pattern in a relationship (i'm the one that started it) but I've changed, It does not feel like he wants to change
We really appreciate your hard work you put on these amazing videos.
I always struggle to come out with responses when people try to make fun of something I have no words to respond back it’s like my mind is in blank and empty, but few minutes later I’m like “I should have said that”.
Any exercises to to practice to help me to think faster and come out with words right at the moment??
Thank you for these videos. I wish that I had found your channel sooner, maybe I would have been able to save my relationship 😞. Regardless this knowledge will help me to be better in the future. Whether with my ex or with someone new.
Would love to see a video on something to do with peoples insecurities, maybe what causes them how to overcome them etc.
Dumplin' did you forget my mom disclosed to you, that she taught me that confrontation don't have to get ugly. And to see through that, anytime she talked to you about this
with my ex, every conflict ended in a fight. This was one of the reasons they're my ex. I used to even get physiologically flooded by only thinking about maybe getting into a conflict situation.
Interesting, thanks. Personally helps me a lot it’s just hard to put into practice
What I would like to know is where to draw the lines between good-hearted teasing and veiled criticism. I’m highly reactive to perceived jabs, but have learned to also grow sarcastic and passive-aggressive myself, thus may throw back something sharp when the initial jab wasn’t meant to wound me. How to know whether banter has crossed the line into negging etc.?
(My psychiatrist poked fun at me, and weeks later I still can’t decide how I want to react to this, but it didn’t feel fun or friendly to me)
When you start to loose your identity and your partner makes you doubt everything you know to be true, that is when you know they are trying to hide something and control the narrative. Then when you want to talk about things you would like to work out in the relationship they get defensive and say your "too sensitive", that right there is toxic 🤮 and will not lead to a good outcome.
Super interesting ty. Would it be erroneous to say that a good part of this also applies to friendship relationships?
i love this. i remember ur first video on conflict vs fighting. as someone who gets very anxious during conflict due to not being able to have healthy communication and conflict resolution with my family, i need to be with a partner who sits down with me and talks things through in a mature and loving manner rather than being malicious. also super irrelevant ana but i love the way u did ur hair today!!🤍
OMG STOP YALL R ENGAGED NOW?!!! i remember when u called him ur bf🥺🥺congratulations!!!!🤍🤍🤍🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
I would love to see a video with your thoughts on cussing more in depth. I do think that it can heighten a situation and cause the other person to have a physiological and defensive response. On the other hand there were some popularly cited studies in the past few years that are reported to suggest people who cuss more are more intelligent, creative, honest, and handle pain better. I suppose it could depend on the context and how you direct those words what effect they might have. Would love to hear your take!
Fiance?! Congrats girl!!!
my ex and i used to have “healthy” conflicts that would last for hours and be weekly and almost daily on the final days of the relationship. i wonder if it was that way because, in reality, they were not as healthy as we thought, or if it was just a matter of compatibility, or both
My biggest issue in arguing w my bf is feeling like if hes upset about something then its my fault and I have to manage his emotions, I really have to stay on top of it.
Maybe try communicating instead of assuming things.
@@jokerpilled2535 Lmao ur being silly
@@bigfrug deal with it
Why is blame the main thing your focusing on in these type of situations?
You shouldn't worry whose fault it is, focus on finding a compromise.
@@IllD. where did she blame anyone?
Ana I can’t thank you enough for how pertinent this is. I am currently navigating moving back into my mom’s house, and we have a history of unhealthy conflict stemming from her narcissistic personality traits. It’s very painful to be in her presence sometimes since she is unable to take accountability for her role in our conflicts and usually just ends up blaming me and what she perceives as my innate character flaws (the list becomes longer and longer lol). Anyways, thank you so much for the work that you do. You’re truly helping people.
Love this
Someone should put a cortisol detector in apple watches. Would be so much useful for relatioships and life. I will know who is stressing me out and when.
Clear boundaries for the self and relationships helps. I would recommend the book "The four agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Easy short read, I'd like to hear your thoughts.
How do we fix it if we are having negative arguments most of the time during conflict? Really hoping my relationship is not doomed- thank you for this though as I've realised how much I stonewall when getting overwhelmed from arguments.
This is ver important to me
Very interesting, the video presents considerable interest in the topic, However it seem to restate previous conclusions and draw on many of the same sources.
You seem to have this backwards, from the very dictionary it says "a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one." of CONFLICT. If a conflict is a type of argument, then I'd argue it's different from what you're trying to portray it as. Then we have argument which is "the act or process of arguing, reasoning, or discussing" which doesn't even have to involve anger...
Both me and my partner like to curse and ay "bad" words at each other because we always found it funny , its our habit, over the years we became immune to feeling anything bad from it even if we sometimes do it in a moment of anger, as a result we can't feel disrespected from each other like ever, we just can't help but laugh it off xD
If a person is getting physiologically flooded whose fault is it? Is it their partner’s fault for triggering them or is it the person’s fault for not knowing how to regulate their emotions.?
What should one do if the lady threatens to backout/break up for every disagreement?
In my opinion, that sounds like they're trying to manipulate/control you to behave and act a certain way. They're also breaking your trust by using what should be a stable foundation of a relationship and basically saying "this stability doesn't exist if things don't stay positive or neutral all the time." The fact she's using this as a weapon against you is not a great sign of her internal mindset either - even if she has old traumas and responses she needs to work on, being unable to work through minor conflicts with you is unhealthy and you shouldn't tolerate this emotionally abusive behaviour from someone who is supposed to care about you.
Question about “what’s this” vs “what the hell is this.” Asking from a place of curiosity here. Doesn’t this violate Carl Rogers’ rule of congruence? I’d love to hear more about this.
Can u please make another video on the gottmans 5 things
So if I get overwhelmed and flooded and I mildly dissociate in a fight, then I am stonewalling?
Also, how is stonewalling which has a negative connotation, different from the gray rock technique? Both behaviors involve withdrawing yourself from someone. Kinda amusing that both include ‘rock’ and ‘stone’.
I noticed becoming evaluated by this video. Could you explain self soothing strategies in more detail?
Could be interesting to see you and you partner demonstrate a health example of a conflict. I understand the concept though seeing it would really help role model change. Could imagine that would be rather embarrassing or to confidential to share.
Totally Agree.
Learning how to fight is as important as learning how to avoid fights. Being unprepared is when the unpredictable happens. It's all part of the art of self-defense. In the octagon of life, the term 'abuse' does not exist. Train, or stay in the audience. Good session.
Could my older son ( 23 ) be stonewalling or something negative like that ? He is the only one in the family that sits in his room all day long with the door closed. He beardly talks to us and when he does it has a very passive aggressive tone. We all try give him as much affection as possible and I agree with you that we could explain how we feel yet even with a gentle tone or matching the mood he just shuts down so quickly.
“Mom, can we get Ana Psychology?”
“Yes, we don’t have therapy at home.”
3:22 when you say taco bell and she says McDonald's 😡
I have a hearth reate of 120 BPM naturally... o.c I suffer from GAD
You should talk to Destiny. He's a popular politics streamer on YT who also dives into relationship topics often (recently about toxic redpill advice). He streams most days from 1pm EST to 10pm EST. He talks to about anyone who wants to chat impromptu
Hi Ana, would you consider a partner who semi-frequently (~once every 2 months or so) becomes extremely anxious about almost everything, and their partner has to talk them back to reality over several hours, a "fight"? I find this happening in my 3-year-long relationship, and I am happy helping my partner get through this, but I am just worried that this could turn into something worse in the long term.
9:20
The light on forehead is genuinely distracting
Just wanna let you know I love you. XOXO
"fiance"!!! wow, congratulations!
huh.. door city over there
1000%
Natural
Beauty
135 heart rate is too much ☺️TACHY CARDIA ☺️🤔
Hey can u talk about those people who changed in a good way after cheating? Where they regretted what they’ve done and became a better person?
did I hear fiancé 😍😍😍😍
This went into actual relationships further than I have ever been to have some sort of opinions or observation to share POV... Next up... Did the Egg came first... or The Chicken... Meaning... I have never been into long term partnership intimate relationship because I am not interested into stuffs like that... or I am not interested in stuffs like that because I have never been interacting with them personally... There can of course always been analogies and such, yada yada... But probably not... If you are capable to do it... you do it... if not you whine about it in the comments of RUclips Videos on the internet... I won`t share my further thoughts, because I don`t want them in written.
Your too cute 🥰 Anna!
Ana
You’re cute thanks for the advice