I constantly get shamed by my in laws for deciding to be a SAHM. I was a full time working nurse until I had my son in August 2022 and I never have been happier staying home with him! They constantly question is about money (which honestly isn’t their business.) They brag about how much money they will have in retirement and how my brother and sister in law will be able to retire early because of how hard they both work now. But my husband and I are very content! We do not have car payments, almost have our home paid off. I budget with the groceries, shop at dollar and thrift stores for our clothes, and we do have to deny ourselves a lot of “material possessions” of this life. But, it is so so worth it! We have a big yard for my son to run around and play, and in January we have his little sister coming 💜 I pray that the Lord continues to allow us to live this life, I love raising my baby (soon to be babies). This is the biggest blessing of my life!!!
I had planned on sending my kid to daycare. I toured 3 when he was about 6 weeks old and bawled in the parking lot after each visit. I told my husband there was no way I could leave my child at any one of those terrible places and I was ready to move some mountains so I didn't have to. Over 5 years and 2 more kids later and not a single one has spent a minute in daycare.
Thank you for reassuring me that I made the right choice to stay home with my kids. The amount of bullying, mocking and ridiculing that other women inflict on women who make different choices for their families is frankly overwhelming. Thank you for being brave enough to speak unpopular truth. Well done.
It's really just the complete dismissal and diminishing of what a stay at home mother does that bothers me. There's a lot of ego wrapped up in career and income. But one can CHOOSE to put that amount of effort into building your household, in the literal sense of putting in that work ethic towards your husband and children. One of the greatest rewards to me personally is that my family has the comfort of knowing they lack nothing. They have clean clothes, good food, etc, and attention. Whether they appreciate it out loud or not, I take joy in my work, and strive for quality in my chosen vocation.
I am a stay at home Mum and thankfully I live in a small town, where you are more likely to find more stay at home Mum’s then in the city. My kids were in a day home when they were young part time for days I did want to go shopping. Then when my health got bad my son was in full time. Which I was great full. However, our day home provider was a family friend and licensed day home operator. However, since my health is better I have been home and homeschooling my kids. My Mum was a day home provider, and my teachers could tell that my Mum was home with us.
@@rachelbuster2826Yep!! I've been both a SAHM and a working mom. The most h8 I ever got from any demographic was from working moms when I was a SAHM. It's guilt and envy 1000%. For the record, I've spent most of my time as a mother as a SAHM, including at the present. I am also homeschooling our children. Where there's a will, there's a way!!
That's what happens when people are made to face their shortcomings by your virtue, it's very painful for them. They can't even enjoy the thing they were trading for their destruction.
I also stayed home with my babies first 5 and got so much crap too for staying and they told me the same they are too attached but now my children are so well rounded, confident and smart. Now my family friends are changing that negative thought of a stay at home mom to wishing they can do the same.
I had 4 under 4 at one point and still I did my best to keep my babies with me as MUCH as possible until the age of 3. At which point they started daycare for 6 hours a day.
I remember when my husband and I were first married, we found out we were expecting our first child a few months later. We were excited and we decided that I would stay home with the baby. My older aunt made me feel so bad that I was deciding to stay home. She said that in every home, both partners needed to work. I even cried when I got off the phone with her. My husband encouraged me that it didn’t matter what she thought. Here we are ten years later. 3 more kids. The most recent, a set of twins born this year. I homeschool all of my children also. Couldn’t imagine it any other way. I thank God that I am able to do it.
Whenever someone told me that we should put our kids in daycare, I looked them right in the eye and asked "are you offering to pay for it?" I hardly ever got a straight answer, but at least people stopped offering their stupid opinions.
When parents do not prioritize the secure attachment of an infant to their mother during the first three, minimum, years of life, they shoot themselves in the foot long-term, as well as harm their kids and entire family unit because you cannot effectively parent a child who has an attachment disorder! Also, men need to understand that once the mother is pregnant, the bonding has begun, and his job is not merely to step into a provider role (or become a "paycheck"), his job is to foster the mother-baby bond so that the securely attached infant will be capable of forming a great bond with him, so that he can effectively parent his kids as well. The entire family benefits emotionally, and this makes for a fun, relaxed, adventurous, fulfilling role as parents! Poorly attached children are much more difficult to raise. The bond must be protected! Our society is so backwards. Thanks for speaking up!
It depends on the situation and personality. One of my friends got her 3 year old into daycare, eventhough she was a stay at home mom. Her daughter loved it.
I've worked in a couple daycares. It's a horrible way for children to grow up. No matter how well-trained the staff or how great the facilities are, it can never come close to what a mother or father can provide. It breaks my heart seeing children cry all day long, and there's only so much I can do. There are simply too few caregivers for too many children. Daycare is something I never ever want to put my future children through.
That doesn’t sound like enough. I’m a new mom, and I have no idea how I’m going to ever be able to leave home (during the day) to do things for myself. I was looking up if any daycares accept infrequent or part-time kids. Like once a week, I have no idea. Most seem only FT. I don’t even know where to find a babysitter or how I can trust a stranger.
The first 5 year’s are so important for the child, bonding, love and trust with parents. This podcast needed to be around in the 80’s that’s when daycare took off. I was in the minority who decided to stay home and raise my children. I was looked down upon. Many moms that I met were able to stay home financially but chose not to because they told me I don’t want to be home because I need a break from my kids. As their children grew up, they didn’t have a good bond with their parents. My children are grown and have said to my husband and me thank you for having us be daycare deprived. We have a strong family unit married 44 years. I truly believe it’s because I was there for them on a daily basis. Dr. Laura Schlesinger was an advocate for stay at home moms since the 80’s. Daycare is the 1 thing the Feminist movement encouraged so the women would get out and work. So sad.
... this is our modern world.. we have to explain to MOTHERS why it's not good to just leave their BABIES with strangers.. dissociation at its best. I'm so glad my mum stayed home and I never even considered daycare..
Mrs. Venker, I am a man preparing for my wife and children. I have NEVER heard a woman speak against daycare, and yet, I have always been against the thought of someone else spending more time with my children than my wife and I. Thank you for educating me even more, especially since you are not the norm. Oh, I so appreciate you right now!!!!! I think about my children, my children's children, and my children's children's children EVERY DAY, something I have never seen before in my life. Being a bastard child is not fun, so that foolishness ends with me: there will be no other generation after me to suffer from this.
@@jboogie819 Janel, your words mean more than you know. Everyday, I remind myself and speak these words: "My wife and my children are waiting for me." And I am a single man. I have never witnessed family life, meaning having both my father and my mother teaching and training me, simultaneously. It is scary to want this for myself, to wonder if I will ultimately succeed. I think about my ways, and just how much I am willing to learn new ways. There is The Blueprint every man is meant to achieve, and I just want to be embody the original design. I do not know enough, so my appetite keeps me growing because I know how to shut up and listen. This aim is costing me everything, but what is better than having your own family, especially when someone like Mrs. Venker is providing such wonderful ingredients and the recipe for it?
@Lexxus Smooth "My wife and my children are waiting for me." You're a rare breed. God bless you, sir. You have a great mindset, and I hope you find your happiness! I think you will
If another mother is mad or she belittles you because you stay at home, she is just trying to make herself feel better that she is choosing her job over her children. It's unnatural to leave your kids for someone else to take care of them daily. It's her own insecurity so don't pay attention.
My mother was a sahm, she was unattached. I believe because of her past, she couldn't attach. I don't hold it against her, I just told myself when I was a mother, I would do different. I was a sahm and loved my children and showed them. As an empty-nester, I am so thankful I went against the norm and raised my babies. TIMES GOES BY TOO FAST, EVEN WHEN THE DAY TO DAY SEEMS TO GO BY SO SLOW. 😊
My feminist mother went back to work when I was in 2nd grade. Along with my one year older brother and younger sister we were latch key kids. Nothing got in the way of my mothers career. If I was sick she would justify calling me a hypochondriac. Threw up in school with a fever. He’s just faking it. Squints at the black board? He’s faking it. Has bloody nose every week and headaches. He’s picking his nose. Truth is I had heart disease she chose to ignore. There was no pee wee Baseball, football, soccer or Boy Scouts. Her career came first. On the weekends I was on my way to my grandparents so my mother and father could have a few days without kids. As I got older I didn’t need her and would ignore her. Never told her anything. It wasn’t her business. When she was upset I didn’t take her to pick out my wife’s engagement ring I laughed. Where has she been since I was seven? No small wonder she was a miserable grandmother too. Didn’t even remember their birthdays.
I hope you'll be able to forgive her. Afterall she gave you life. Im sure you're dad wasn't perfect, didn't hear you blame him? We all go through bad times as kids but we can choose to forgive and be free.
@@map3384 maybe so...however did your mom change your dirty diapers, feed you, clothe you, clean the house? All while dad was working the two jobs? Man's work is from sun to sun. But women's work is never done. 🙄
I have one child that I bedshared with and nursed to sleep until... well he's two and he still nurses to sleep sometimes. I have one child that would not sleep on me or near me. She would wake right up as soon as she realized she was touching me. I had to use a bassinet and she always put herself right to sleep without a problem for the first six months. She wanted to nurse to satisfaction and then be put down. Now, at one year old, she sometimes cries for a while before falling asleep. But she is very clear that she doesn't want to be picked up and soothed. If I pick her up and rock her she gets quite more upset! Some babies need to cry a little and don't like to be held while falling asleep. I still find it bizarre. I think because I was tandem nursing, I had too much milk for her to comfort nurse and that's why she never nursed to sleep.
@adrianachavaje908 and no one advocates for that. Letting a baby cry for a limited period of time and learning to self soothe is an important part of development. No one would promote ignoring a crime baby all night. Going to the extreme only makes you look foolish and immature. It's also a straw man argument. So easy to knock down an opponent's argument when you've made a ridiculous version of it.
@@heatherwoods5703@adrianachavaje908 made a statement not an argument. So you are the one not engaging in the conversation properly. Her statement is factual as well.
@heatherwoods5703 I agree with most of what you said, however, there are many people who advocate closing the door and not opening it again till morning.
I am a stay at home mom. Many women have encouraged me to put my 2 year old into daycare. I am not judging those who choose otherwise, but that doesn't feel right to me at all! I have gone with my instincts on the matter and the advice of my very wise late father who told to me stay home with my daughter. Nothing can replace a mother's attention and love. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and expertise.
Don't listen to them! I understand is hard but I have 2 kids as well and the discipline that me and my wife have achieved with our children it wouldn't be possible if they would have ended up in daycare be strong you got this. 💪🏾
It's best, to probably be home, until child is out of 6th grade They could be taught good eating habits, like no snacking on weekdsys..along with decent bedtimes(no walmart tfios around 830) kids used to not become obese then
I'm a stay at home mom as well to 2 toddlers and i am so happy that I get to watch grow everyday. I'm amazed at how fast they are growing and if I was to be working I would really be missing out. I also am homeschooling because no one can really trust the school system either these days with the perversion going on. You are doing perfectly and are going to be happy that you raised your kids yourself! Stay strong and who cares what others think. You are doing what God has called all mothers to do. The government is only mad they can't tax you because you aren't working outside of the home, Taxation is theft anyways. Children who are in daycare are constantly sick and being exposed to other things you wouldn't want them learning anyways. Do your thing stay at home mama!
I put my one year old in part time daycare for a few months when I was heavily pregnant with our second child and for a few months post partum. I was not able to play with her anymore, it was just me and her at home and she was so bored, wanted to explore, was trying to get into everything and I physically was unable to stop her everytime. She flourished in part time daycare, she finally got attention there (it was only 3 kids) and she was always excited to go and happy when she got home. Sometimes, we need help and thats okay. But it should be a last resort imo
Whenever someone told me that we should put our kids in daycare, I looked them right in the eye and asked "are you offering to pay for it?" I hardly ever got a straight answer, but at least people stopped offering their stupid opinions.
My husband and I planned ahead to be able to live on one income once we had a baby. We could have bought a bigger house when we had two incomes, but I put much greater value on spending time with my son. He is leaving for college this week and I am so grateful for all of the time we’ve had together!
Same! My son is 6, I have been married for 10 yrs and even in those first 4 yrs we shoveled my income away into savings. We live in a modest house and take one small family vacation each year, drive 15 yr old economy cars and eat out like once a month…I wouldn’t trade this time for anything ❤️
My sibling and I were in daycare until mom’s maternity leave ended after 6 weeks. From 7 AM to 5 PM, then eventually taking the bus home by ourselves to spend a couple hours alone until they got home from work, when my older sibling was about 12. Our time management skills did not benefit from this unstructured free time. My parents were able to give us nice things and we were allowed to attend camps and do a bunch of sports as well as have vacations, but I always felt like I was on the outside looking in as I experienced childhood- never quite feeling worthy of love in the same way as I saw others receiving it. My fear of abandonment and rejection caused me to attract selfish, toxic friends and blame myself for most poor treatment. I had really bad anxiety as a kid and worried often. I never went through that phase of pushing my parents away because they embarrassed me- I needed them close. Even leaving for college felt like an abandonment after so much missed time at home. Thankfully God redeems but we kids sacrificed a lot for my mom’s career and she would go back and change things if she could. Therapy has been really expensive too. Stay home with your kids when they’re little. They need to be able to take you for granted even if it feels like a thankless job at times.
I was a daycare baby. Raised from the time I was 6 weeks old by a provider rather than my parents. I still don’t have a close relationship with my mother. We talk to each other once or twice a month. I always knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but it was never made out to be a realistic option. I had to be a career woman. That’s just what I had to do, but it’s never what I wanted. It broke my heart going back to work when our oldest was 10 weeks old. I wound up being laid off two months later which was an absolute blessing in disguise. We still weren’t financially stable at the time so I went back to waitressing part-time, but we wound up not needing daycare because I worked at night and my husband could watch the kids when he got home. I became a full-time stay at home mom when our oldest was 18 month old and our second child was six months old after we got all of our financial ducks in a row and I’ve never looked back.
I worked in a day care center before having kids, I assure you these centers are not healthy for your kids. We had fourteen toddlers in a room with two staff. they learn horrible ways of relating to people when they are stuck in a room with soooo many kids as lost as they are.
@@SisterliskThey’re not just stories. There were lots of biters at the day care I worked at. Could only disinfect and put the kid in time out. Of course, you had to physically hold him there, which allowed the other kids to do whatever (including biting)
@@SisterliskBiting is age appropriate behavior for toddlers. They bite to explore the world around them; it’s sensory exploration. It’s also frustration- they don’t know how to verbally communicate with their peers & show frustration via biting, pushing etc. Once they learn more effective communication skills, the behavior usually falls to the wayside. It can get out of hand when the ratio of children to staff is too large though.
@kayleigh6372 . It helps a lot when parents are there to help and talk to kids who bite. Especially when it's in the parents' view. I've got 6. 2 were biters. Like goats, eat anything, bite anything, bite anyone if upset, frustrated, mad, lick stick, move punch, kick jump hide, scream....you name it. Thank god they dont climb the roof, lol. I had many conversations and disciplinary actions. It was my younger ones, as the household became busier, so did I. Didn't take the appropriate time with each one, or I took the wrong disciplinary action, which resulted in less time with them to talk, teach, and discipline. As I gave more attention and helped kids work out feelings and teaching more and better techniques, things cooled off. I have kids about 2 years apart roughly. I love seeing my oldest interact with youngest(over 10 years apart) and teaching, the different ages and 8 in a small home, lots to learn, even more to learn on outings with this many. Lol. There are many reasons behind every behavior. Sahm's ROCK. first 4 years of kids life is super important to spend with mom and dad 👨👩👧 ❤️ Not around people with less than minimum wage who, for the most part, don't have kids. I was a nanny for years and been around all kinds. I'd highly suggest anyone read before becoming pregnant read during pregnancy and read after and continue to read all you can about kids. So important. Especially in this day and age when mental health is rapidly climbing 🥰❤️🫶
And I always think to myself: what socialization? Hitting? Biting? Screaming? Swear words? (Even though they gonna pick them up sooner or later anyways) More misbehavior that could be avoided by them not copying other children… And don’t get me started on the “socialization” in schools like bullying etc.!
My sister has to work for financial reasons. I’m so thankful my husband provides enough allowing me to be home with my babies. Her youngest comes to my house twice a week (3). Instead of my niece running to her mom in desperation at the end of the day for pick up (like she did in day care), she smiles and says, “Hi mom!” And happily keeps playing while we visit. Lean into your family if you can. ❤ My mom isn’t in the picture, but my MIL is an ANGEL! My girls do the same at her house because they are truly loved there. So hard for the mamas that don’t have any support.
On the sleep schedule issue, she is on point. I was so diligent with my sons sleep/nap schedule that my mom would get mad at me for not rearranging his sleep to go to the mall when she wanted to go. And don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t a once in a blue moon kind of thing, she would frequently call and want me to drop everything to go to lunch with her and her sisters, and usually if it interferes with nap time I would just say no. When he slept well the whole house ran so much more smoothly. He never cried at nap time because I was that “terrible mother” that rocked him for naps and bedtime until he was like three. I didn’t mind, I knew he was going to be my only, and he was usually out like a light. When he turned three (around then anyways), I would rock him for a few minutes and then he would tell me he was ready to lay down, I’d lay him down and walk out. To this day he sleeps for 11 hours a night. He is six, I tuck him in at 7pm and don’t hear a peep until 6am…he doesn’t nap but we do an hour of “quiet time” after lunch where he takes a few books or toys to his bed and lays down for a rest. So I’m beyond happy that I protected nap and bedtime when he was an infant and toddler.
I did the same thing with my daughter and had a relaxed household because of having routine nap/bedtimes. My peers did not do this and their house seemed chaotic from it. My wise mom told me to get my daughter into a routine and that was the best advice ever!
I will never forget that summer I spend living with a french family next to a daycare centre.😢 The first day, I woke up at 6am sharp because of some kittens meowing (or so I thought) and when I mentioned it at breakfast that there may be some stray kittens in the garden, I got that strange look and they told me those were babies. It was just constant cryong from 6am to 5pm. I felt so heartbroken and swore I will never do this to my child. And I never did. When my kid was 3 or 4 I looked into preschool options and checked all of them in my neighborhood but they all were such a sad sad place to be. My kid hated it, as did I but I thought this is how kids get socialized. Well, when Covid started we diacovered how wonderful homeschooling works (I could go on and on) and here we are. We just love our company. Sure, sometime I crave for alonw time or adult time but I also know soon my kid will fly out and I will be happily watching him go. I have zero fear or jealousy for how he will create his adult life. I feel it is a time well spend and an honour to raise this little human. And yes, I am working from home, not always easy, but (enotionally) easier than building a life around a career. ❤
Have you looked into a co-op or homeschool gathering groups in your area? Mine is huge on supporting parents and community. You get down time to chat with other parents, plus they do couples nights and things. Just as a suggestion to help you get a break while also giving your kid a great benefit!
@Alexis_9339 Only you know how your kid is being treated unless you are there. That's the only problem for me. I'd only want to leave my kids with trusted family members. But I know unfortunately not everyone has that so you just have to be lucky🙏
@@weetzybat my homeschool co-op and outings the parent stays. So I may not be in their room constantly but I’m in the same building and seeing them frequently, never have less than 2-3 adults in a room and an adult is never alone with any of the kids. As far as safety I think it’s pretty good!
@@kathleenking47 It is! When my daughter was in daycare for a short time they food they fed her was very unhealthy. Their snacks were very sugary. When she was home prior to daycare I was always giving her fruits and veggies. Since Covid, I’ve kept her home permanently and I had to train her to eat her fruits and veggies regularly again. Now she’s 4, and she’s back to eating and desiring to eat healthy! Many daycares don’t have healthy alternatives unfortunately
@kathleenking47 I disagree with this. I went to daycare in the 90s (it sucked) and overweight/obesity was wayyy lower compared to kids today. Every single fat kid I know did not go to daycare. They are typically being raised by a grandparent or grandparents.
Great podcast. They say that this failure to bond is what leads to lack of empathy which leads to violent crime and may explain the explosion of narcissm.
Me and my hubby have 6 kids between us and we've managed to get by without daycare. He barely makes 30k a year and that's before taxes and insurance etc. No, we don't have a lot of extra money but our kids are warm and safe and loved. My youngest 2 are finally in elementary school full time now and my hubby has told me that he wishes I would just continue to be home (and no he's not controlling we were having an honest conversation) because with so many kids there's always someone needing to be picked up from school sick and there's fall break, christmas break, spring break, summer break, etc where they can't be in school. It's just so much easier to be at home where there's nothing you can't drop if one of your kids need you. I guess some families want nicer homes and cars and all that but for us it's just more important to be good parents and be here for our kids. My hubby also works 4 days a week 10 hours a day so that he can have an extra weekend day to be home and help out. I guess I'm just trying to say it can be done if it's important to you and you have both parents working together on things.
Also, houses don't run themselves, someone has to do the cleaning, cooking and laundry and when both parents work out of the home something has to give, it's always the kids and household that suffer.
Yep. Lots of families live within their means on one income (even a meager one) with multiple children while also homeschooling. It can be done if you're willing to make sacrifices, not excuses. Where there's a will, there's a way!
So, this is a little random but so sweet I wanted to share. My son lost his grandma on Mother’s Day this year but he’s young still and doesn’t exactly understand that she’s gone. However, ever since he last saw her, he’s been calling certain women grandma when he sees them and it’s the sweetest thing. I’ve noticed these women are usually calm and seem very kind. So I just wanted you to know that my 5 year old said “hi grandma” to you when he saw your picture ❤
As a former toddler "teacher", and a Head Start volunteer and substitute, I completely agree. Day care is not a good thing, as opposed to preschool as you said. I stayed home with my 5 kids, and helped with the grandkids when I could. Money has been adequate most of the time. Dollars come and go, but the influence we have on our kids lasts a lifetime.
gosh to me it’s just such common sense that my baby needs me especially those early years. it did not feel right to leave my baby with a stranger for even ten minutes to shower let alone at daycare all day. i cant believe how many mothers are out of touch with their intuition
@@jennifergreen6109 I am sure it is when you do not need to worry about money and /or rely on someone else. No thanks, financial independence is key. You can be a good parent and work and send kids to daycare. And if you ask me you are even better if you teach them that they need to be independent ( especially if you have daughters). We criticize society and then at the same time we are saying that they basically need to be married and they will be alright. Wow we, back in the 1800.
@@VeraAbroad I'm not subscribing to a paradigm that puts money above all else. People that subcontract out the raising of their children to strangers for money have no business having them. Continuing to back this dumpster fire of a society is not going to keep it from burning to the ground
I have 3 kids under 5. I stay home with them. It’s amazing the way my peers talk about daycare like it’s GOOD for toddlers and babies to “socialize”. You’re telling the truth and I appreciate it.
Children who don't attend daycare can be socialized with playdates and playgroups. Many local libraries and churches offer them if Mom doesn't know enough other moms to start one.
How do you manage your emotions and house chores? I have a 11 months old and I struggled to have the house clean and taking care of my baby. Because he loves to play all day or sleep on me. So sometimes I'm in the middle of the night cleaning. Also I wanted three babies but I'm so exhausted that I don't know if I can anymore. I love my baby with all my heart but I would like to have a few hours during the day to do my stuff and sometimes I feel burnout.
Ive stayed home with my baby since 2020 after leaving what most would call a high profile career. My colleagues and friends are advancing, winning 40 under 40 awards, getting huge bonuses, etc. But my greatest award, my child is thriving! Brilliant and secure from consistent nurturing, healthier from home cooked meals, happier from her secure family. When other mothers ask how I could feel fulfilled I almost have to laugh ❤ never.been.better.
We have been so programmed to not have empathy for our babies is crazy. My husband and I managed to have our business from home and I am so glad. I spend the whole day with my baby, but sometimes I feel like I need a break. Once I get a window and leave my baby with grandparents I constantly think about her. One day I left her with my mother for many hours and when I saw her she didn’t want to make eye contact with me. Later on realized that she felt abandoned by me. I am not planing on leaving my baby overnight or many hours without me. Please have empathy for your babies. You are there hero and they feel safe and calm around you. There is never going to be a better place for them than with you. Nobody is going to love them or care for them better than you.
I have 6 children. I came home after my first was born. I planned to work part time, but I had no idea how badly I would hate being separated from my baby. Fortunately my husband was on board with being the sole provider. Ive home schooled my children the whole way. We've connected with wonderful families. I hated going to daycare when my mom worked. It was lonely. She came home for a few years, and it was the best time of my childhood.
My mom left me with my grandmother and 2 aunts for July and August, 600+ miles away from where we lived. I think that is what saved me in many respects.
We were foolish and got married at 22, while we were broke college students…we had our first son two years later and then two more daughters…But I mostly stayed home with our kids and they never were in daycare. We struggled financially in a major way, but God always provided for us and continues to do so. I am now privileged to homeschool our three kids in a home that we own….finances are still tight but I don’t regret my decision to be with my own children at all. I have been there for everything and I’m so thankful, even though we have to pinch pennies
I listened to 1 of Suzanne's podcasts about daycare for the 1st time a few weeks ago. Literally the next day I got a call that there was an open spot for my 18 month old at a nearby daycare we had been on the waiting list for. I mulled it over for 1 day and turned it down. I thought I'd be satisfied if I could raise her for her 1st year of life at home and when it came time, I was filled with so much anxiety at the thought of parting with her even only for 3 days a week that I couldn't do it. I can't even imagine how moms who put their 6 week old babies in daycare must feel. I'm so thankful I listened to that podcast just in time. I pray every night that God will help me be the best parent I can be to our daughter. And I think he answered my prayers and gave me the courage to prioritize my child over a paycheck when that podcast video ended up in my feed. I kept reasoning that I'd have at least 60% of her waking hours together (in my case) but something kept pushing back and the niggling thought of the fact that I'd be essentially willingly selling nearly half of my time with my toddler for the low low price of my paycheck. And that the price would continue to decrease in value as she grew up with the effects of having been raised for half her toddler years in daycare. Thank you, Suzanne! You are right - educating us parents about this really does change our minds and help us make better choices
I love this conversation. When I became pregnant with my baby I knew that I wanted to stay home to raise my son. People often looked at it as a privilege, but I happily gave up those social comforts to be with my baby and I don’t regret it. I watched many women in my family be so grieved about separating from their babies, I would even go to say that it changed their connection with their child. Great conversation.
I find it genuinely funny that people see it as privilege, when privilege is what led to putting kids in the care of others to begin with. It was the high societies that started this. We just recently started normalizing it in the lower classes.
As an American social worker, I have stressed this with the young parents I have worked with in order to trigger protective behaviors in them that benefit their children Education is key because many young parents are products of daycare or after school programs and thus, don't have benefit of having experienced being guided by the skills they now need to replicate with their children.
I'm glad I got to stay home with my kids now for the last 19 years so far. Oldest is working now and Youngest is 8yrs old now and now homeschooling too. School has become a toxic environment. Millenial house wife 😅
Seriously, as a former martial arts instructor, daycare kids are a preditors dream. We could always tell which children stayed home with mum and which ones were raised in day care. They have no stranger awareness and would often be very friendly and sometimes even hug us, they had just met us.
Some kids are just like that. My kids never went to daycare but my oldest has always been sooooo outgoing she just wants to talk to everyone. She didn't get it from me 🤔
If this separation is so horrible for kids (which I totally agree it is), then can you imagine how bad it is to let your baby cry it out to sleep. Somehow, so many believe there's nothing wrong with "cry it out". I believe this has also been brainwashed in our society to support working moms. Therefore, keeping women in the workforce.
All of my friends and even family told me to let my baby cry it out. I tried for about 3 nights. But both me and my baby we’re heart broken and it didn’t feel natural at all. It felt so wrong. BECAUSE IT IS
Ive listened to a couple of your videos now so im not sure if it was this one that you mentioned husbands pushing women to put their kids in day care but im dealing with that right now. Our son is almost a year and a half and weve gone most of this time on his income alone yet he is still convinced that i need to work for us to meet ends meet. Ive done the math several times but for some reason, its just ingrained in him that our son needs to go to daycare and i need to get a job. Ive argued every point and angle and at this point, i dont even argue anymore. I just tell him ill work when our son goes to preschool or kindergarden. It just blows my mind that he can't see the negative repercussions of sending a young child to daycare.
Im sorry to jest that. Im stay home mum who worked weekends after mat leave. For 7 years I raised kids home without day care Monday to Friday and worked weekends. My husband who worked Monday to Friday outside of home was a care giver on weekends. That gave us extra income and gave him chance to experience of hard work to raise a child. He had to cook, clean and go outside with kids. We couldn’t do it any other way and I think this was so important for my son to see that father needs to be present in kids life.
HOLD YOUR GROUND!!! If your finances are stable, listen to your instincts/intuition. He's brainwashed. It took my (latchkey) husband a few decades & a serious health scare before he realized the importance of a DEDICATED FT wife & home-educating mother. (He now feels *horrible* about the stress he put on me.) With all the crazy cultural, social, & political chaos going on... our grown sons, their girlfriends, and friends SEEK out our home for STABILITY, healthy modeling, bonding, honest conversation, compassion,... and home made food. 😉 Seriously, it's become a challenge to get our weekend chores done! 😄😄😜 ***FAMILY FIRST***
@@ee8226 don't get me wrong, I earn extra money on the side when I have time and am able to. I don't like to have to ask my husband to send me money for things. But I'm not consistently available to work an hourly job even from home without sacrificing spending time with our son, time with my husband, or making sure the house is clean. In the end, I would rather sacrifice getting new clothes or things for myself than to sacrifice quality time or quality living conditions. It comes down to him having a consumerist mind set and me having a more minimalist mind set.
my ex-husband left our marriage because i refused to put our son in daycare. the real reason is probably because he could not tolerate the fact that his life would no longer revolve around only his needs now that he had a son, and he projected this resentment onto me. But i stood my ground, and with the help of my parents financial support, i raised my son at home until pre-K (which i still felt was too soon, by the way) My ex also chastised me for not focusing on getting a job, and accused me of endangering our son of becoming anti-social. The feeling that I was some kind of criminal fugitive followed me everywhere i went, because there were so few women doing the same thing. But now things are changing. Trust yourself, your instinct is never wrong.
My first child was born 21 years ago, so I can definitely relate to the "mommy wars." My instinct from the moment I found out I was pregnant was to be her primary caregiver. I knew no other moms who were at home in my small town. I was young and not completely confident and sometimes felt like I was doing something "wrong." There have been a couple of times when I have briefly had to go back to work but I have mostly been at home with my kids. I now have five children and I have never regretted being with them full-time. (P.S. My two adult children are amazing. I could not be more proud of them.)
I worked doing Admin at a daycare one summer in 1990. It was a fluorescent lit, draining, whining, crying, lack of normal human contact, constantly seeing other kids misbehaving, mind-numbing environment. I can see why we have so much trouble with people under the age of 35 these days. Their childhoods were artificial and now they are artificial.
I was educated as a mandatory child abuse reporter w a state university. All of the childcare centers I worked at had abusive caregivers. The worst was the mother that got hired and over saw us taking care of her little girl. She isolated her little girl in a jumper alone on the other side of the room from the other kids in the baby room. Although she was only 1 1/2 the baby knew this was wrong and often cried and cried for attention. One day I moved all the kids around me including her and rocked them. I did the unimaginable and picked up her little girl and she grabbed onto me and hugged me, like no-one ever has before. The next day this little girl and her mother were gone. I Called child protective services and reported this mother and ALL of the other abuse the was caught on tape. I of course was black balled and will never be hired again because I reported the abuse!!
@janethomas78 That mother was abusing HER OWN CHILD! I wonder how she would have treated the kid if she were at home alone with her full time. Some people just shouldn’t be raising kids-and those people DEFINITELY shouldn’t be stay at home parents!
I grew up in an in-home daycare. My parents couldn’t afford the center in town that had kids doing field trips and educational activities. We were left with an older woman who smelled like cigarettes and parked us in front of the TV 8+ hours a day. On a GOOD day it might be children’s programming like Rugrats and Nickelodeon. On a bad day she had us watching soap operas, Maury and Jerry Springer. A room full of elementary school kids chanting “JERRY! Jerry! Jerry!” I’m now a stay at home mom with my two. I don’t trust anybody with them like that.
I remember one summer I signed up 2 of my 3 daughters in a "day camp" that their school was hosting. The brochure read that it would entail fun activities. After day one, my daughters were SO distraught from the lack of activities, screaming kids, and nonexistent parental control that they vemenously declared that they weren't going back. 😮 I didn't make them go back. It was obviously a glorified push for daycare. I am a SAHM, & I was just trying to give them something different for a week during the summer break, but boy, was I wrong! I couldn't imagine having my little ones in a place like that on a daily basis! 🤯💔
Great points! My husband and I always felt it was important for one of us to be home with our kids - it was me since his job paid way more. When my oldest just turned 4 and we sent him to 4K, he got sick a lot and it went downhill real fast. Many people (including the school staff) said I should keep sending him in some capacity but my son said that he didn't want to go back to that school. I prayed and slept on it and by morning I knew that he was strong-willed and forcing him to continue at that moment would not turn-out well. It made the decision easier since I was pregnant with our second and still at home. The next year, things went much better. He just needed more time and he's a very successful 8th-grade student now. In addition to our country's focus on economics/money rather than the wellbeing of children and families, I think poor health (including highly processed foods, toxins, etc.) and things like social media has brought our population to a frightening place. I hope we can get to a healthier balance and a stronger country again - especially for our kids sake.
This is PURE GOLD. Thank you for making me take more responsibility for my wife and children. I have no one to discipline me in the way you are right now. I love this investment in my strength from your knowledge. Thank you. 🙏
When my first baby was 6 months old, I had to start working again for financial reasons. I found a great part time job near home and found a good babysitter, but I cried when I thought of leaving my daughter. I called back and told them I didn't want the job. I told Gd I needed to be home and that I trusted something better would come along. 3 days later I was called about a work from home job paying much higher than anything else I had considered. I told them that my main priority was my daughter and they decided to give me a shot. I worked thag job until my 3rd child was born. I was able to be with my kids full time and worked when they were sleeping. Once my 3rd was born my husband and I decided that I should stop working so I could have more peace of mind, which affected the peace and calm of our home and I've been home since. If you're clear on what you want, you will find a way to make it work. Don't be afraid to hold onto your values because when you believe in yourself and what you're doing, things will fall into place.
I am 27 and I am in a very affluent area. I get looks from doctors and local people when they learn I am 27 (and married), and that I have a baby. “Won’t baby get attached to you?” “Doesn’t that worry you?”My husband works very hard so that I can stay home with our baby. Our condo is very modest and I love this life. We plan on having more children in our condo. We downsized so we could live this way comfortably. I dropped out of college to raise our baby. College was full of professors telling us men ain’t sh*t! I was so tired of it. I started working as a nanny again while I was pregnant. I’m excited to homeschool one day. I can honestly say that without a doubt women are being lied to. After 18 women need to learn how to date without the internet. I’ve lost friends subscribing to the “girl boss” lifestyle. It’s sad.
My daughter was at daycare at six weeks. 22 years later she’s in jail, we never bonded. I had to work and I was working 55 to 60 hours a week. She was so neglected
Wow it takes a lot to admit that you made mistakes and that it cost you and your child. Idk if you’re a Christian but I encourage you to pray for her. God can change her heart and hopefully you have been able to communicate with her and admit to your mistakes. It’s important that we as parents apologize when we’re wrong. I pray you and your daughter to find forgiveness from your sins and peace to move forward and create a strong relationship 🙏
I'm proud of you for having the courage to admit this. I'm going to assume, though, that her father wasn't around given how much you were working, and if that's the case, you really had no choice other than to do what you had to do to raise her or, alternatively, put her up for adoption. If Daddy wasn't around to look after his part, you can't put all the blame on yourself. I feel terrible for your daughter and I hope you are able to build a relationship with her and she can find peace. ❤
Your daughter made bad choices as well. I would not place the blame on you. I think daycare has it's benefits, naturally it has pros and cons. Nor would I knock stay at home moms.
So was I, but I'm happily married to an amazing man with a beautiful child, have a lucrative career, and outstanding relationships with my loved ones. I have also always been a law-abiding citizen.
My mum worked in day nurseries as a career, although most of her work was as a nanny. She told me to not put my child in a day nursery, but she didn't warn me against nannies and childminders. She always enjoyed working as a nanny more and was able to get to know the kids, sort out challenges the kids had and help the mother out in dealing with those challenges when mum couldn't manage it herself. She also told me day nursery children didn't have stranger danger. They just trusted everyone. They didn't prioritise their primary caregiver over others, like non day nursery children.
We have to learn to listen to our instincts. I even got talked down to for letting our baby sleep with us. Well guess what my children are super secure and well adjusted and we have a great relationship♡ Also, married at 20 here...coming up on 11 years. BUT it wasn't all smooth sailing. We fought for our marriage about 3-4 years in. Forever grateful that we did.
This conversation reminds me of a sentence from the late great Kevin Samuels..."Men don't want a rent-a-womb, they want a mother for their children!" I've been a SAHM for 26 years and had never thought about it quite like that! However, my husband had said the same thing to me and was willing to sacrifice and work his hands to calluses to make it happen❤🙏🏾
I’m glad I found you! You speak my language!! So I was a nanny my whole life since I was 16 till 34 to a bunch of very wealthy people so I could see how they chose their careers over staying home and I’ve formed lots of attachments to kids that weren’t mine and as a young girl I wondered what kind of love I would have with my own child because I loved these kids like crazy! We’ll I love my son even more crazy!!! Lol I always felt so sad that these parents didn’t witness first steps or words or just all of those little milestones a baby goes through, I told myself I’m not having kids unless I can be there and I’m so grateful that my plan to stay at home is coming true so far. What I’m finding hard is sticking up for myself for the love I have for my kid and that I’m choosing to homeschool. I feel like society sees me as one of those hover moms or whatever they call them but I think our bond is totally fine I don’t think that there is anything wrong with my 4 year old needing me all day long. Ultimately my life is his now and I’m going to do what’s best for him even though I get judged for it. He is already one of the most social kids on the playground that’s one of the biggest misconceptions about homeschooling and being close to your baby. But now I’m on a rant just wanted to say I’m so glad I found you and I’m going to read all of your books now! 😁
My children are homeschooled and very sociable. Usually they make the first move to introduce themselves and make new friends actually. It's hard not to feel judged and question yourself and I'm only just getting over that but I'm the same. Homeschooling is wonderful and if done right is the total opposite of helicopter parents. 😊
We have 4 kids, homeschooled the youngest 2. Wish so much we had done it with all 4. It is awesome. The quality and depth of relationship you develop with them is worth all of it.
Don't worry. You're only actually a "hover mom" if you treat your 9~10 yr old the way you treat him as a 4-yr old. And if you attempt the treatment appropriate for a 4-yr old when your child is a teenager, you can be in for some very rough times. You're not there, so don't worry. Plan for a "soft launch" of teaching self-responsibility with respect for his dignity and sensibility.
There may not be much wrong with your 4 year old needing you “all day long”-for NOW; but it’s about time to start transitioning away from that, gently and gradually. He doesn’t need to still be a “mama’s boy” by 6 or 10 or 18!
I stayed home with my first child until he was 3 1/2 yo and I had planned to put my second child to daycare after 4 months of being born then covid happened and I stayed home for him and I am glad I did. I will never leave my children to daycAre after searching for the best childcare. Not even a private one could replace a mother.
Im so glad that you are covering this. Parents simply do not understand. I’m a K teacher and the kiddos coming through my classes now. Our babies need us. That’s why it’s so painful to separate from them.
I can't tell you the amount of frowns and looks of concerns i got when i told people i would not put my kids in daycare. And that i was going to be a stay at home parent. Almost made me feel like i was the alien or incompetent. Firstly my husband and i made that decision because of how expensive daycare would be for us at that point in time. My kids are a bit older now and they turned out just fine. But the way many people view parents who choose to stay home to raise their children is so not right. Also im happy i did get a chance to stay home and watch them grow in those early years of their lives.
I always planned on being a "career woman".....until I got pregnant with my first baby. I feel more fulfilled at home with my children than I ever thought possible. This is my purpose (at least for right now).
In the 1970s, I was put in home-based daycare at 20 weeks until I was 5 years old, and I suspect it has made it difficult to create a securely attached relationship in my adult life. I'm 54 now, and I've failed to start a family of my own. The opportunities for that to occur never seemed to materialize. My pattern was always one in which I was attracted to unavailable partners. It was a reality of my daycare situation that was ingrained in me, waiting for my mother to return at the end of the day: I learned to be attached without enjoying the attachment of the other person. I'm not sure what my attachment style is, but I experience equal amounts of anxiety and avoidance when I'm interested in someone. But you know the punch line, they're not interested. It's important for mothers to understand that the attachment experience they give their child is the attachment strategy that child will pursue as an adult.
Thank you so much for tackling such an important topic! I am a mother of 2, a baby and a toddler and I have researched, but never EVER have I come across anyone who expresses the same opinions as you Suzanne. I live in Sweden so luckily the culture here is entirely different than the US. You cannot put your child in daycare until they are 1 year, but many parents here actually wait until their children are 2-3. They then make the necessary sacrifices for that short period and they are happy to do so. I enrolled my son when he was 1 year, and that is later than most I guess, but even then. He wasn't ready to separate and I wasn't ready, so the first couple of months were rough. But everyone encouraged me and reassured me, but it never sat quite right with me. I am just happy to find out there was nothing wrong with me or the way I reacted.
In a way, I think Swedish people have it much worse. In America there are still multiple cultures and ways of thinking. The norm of males being the breadwinnner still exists and our taxes aren't as high as Sweden, so families can keep more of their money to live how they want. It seems to me that Sweden really screwed the family by forcing every female to work-- including mothers. What, on earth is the point? The government just wants lots of tax money to support its programs such as giving people years off. It makes no sense. And the men staying home to be moms there is just plain weird. My friend did that. Who wants a man who's a mom?
Sweden is doing many things well! It sounds like parents there even have the option of staying home-each parent in turn for a while-for as long as a total of two or three years, without the family suffering dire financial need. That’s a win-win all around, for families and for society!
I put my life and career on hold so that I could bond with my babies and children better. It is 100% worth it ❤ to not put them in daycare and sacrifice yourself for their longterm happiness and mental health
People treat moms like crap. I did a few things for extra money. I took care of my own kids and my own elders. I still get dismissed and treated poorly.
This is the 2nd podcast I’ve come across addressing this issue and I can’t tell you how grateful I am. I have felt so guilty about not being able to get my daughter into daycare due to the cost. I thought she needed the socialization and more attention than I can give her while working from home. I’m so glad to know she’s better off home with me, even if she has to spend time playing alone in her room while I’m working.
I work in a Day Care Institution. Its like a prison for children with a lot of adults that dont even like children. I would never ever rekommend this kind of big institutions for any parent in the world. Its like a animal farm full of stress and loudness. I feel so sorry for the children. Its like China.
It would have about killed me to leave any child of mine at daycare. But poverty and financial instability and nearly losing our house to the bank when husband lost his job, and I didn’t have a developed career to step back into after years of stay at home mom life hasn’t been fun either. Life can be pretty rough either way.
Yes, life will be rough either way. The question is if you want it to be rough with dysfunctional children, or do you want it to be rough with well-adjusted children? I work with the dysfunction ones, and believe me that's much tougher.
Thank you for telling the truth! What I find interesting and kind of ironic is that in family law we learn all about attachment theory. Why? Because we can't have an infant being taken away from his or her mother for long period of time, even if it's to spend time with Dad. Yet, I could never get over the cognitive dissonance when it came to attachment theory and daycare. Like Dad can't take the infant away from mom all day because, you know, attachment, but it's totally not a problem if mom leaves the infant with strangers the whole day because, you know, feminism, working, early childhood education etc... ??? Never made sense to me! Luckily I was able to stay home with my son the first 3 years and then he went to preschool a couple of days per week for a few hours and he enjoyed that.
Wow that's so interesting. My son does really well with his dad, he spent 12 weeks paternity leave and they bonded very closely. So it's okay to leave the child with daycare workers but not dad? Sounds bizarre to me and thank you for sharing. Like you said, cognitive dissonance.
I fully thought I was going to put my kids in daycare and then I had my first and I was like no way I can’t even fathom the idea of leaving this tiny little person alone with strangers. We are very fortunate that me or my husband is with our kids at all times. They have never been in daycare and I never want to be away from them since they were born. I know everyone is different but I love being with them and I don’t want to have date nights or take trips without my little ones. My world revolves around them. I would have quit my job if I had to to not put them in daycare. Ppl and family try to guilt me and want to take my kids for the weekend or say we need parent time and I’m like no I don’t need time away from them I WANT to be with them!
I worked in a daycare center. They sent me around to different rooms, as an assistant, and I was told not to hold a newborn baby. She was laying on a blanket crying, so my first instinct was to pick her up..and the lead teacher said “You’ve got to stop that. Quit holding those babies..they’ll get used to it.” That was the day I was officially done with daycare centers! I stay home with my own child, but I do realize that some mothers have to make an income. In that case I support the idea of a home based daycare or a nanny, if it allows the kids to get more attention..but absolutely not a childcare center with high ratios of children to adults!
For thousands of years women stayed home with their children and even homeschooled them. Everyone spent time with their families and worked together. Now everyone thinks it’s horrible to be home and you have to run around to every activity…sadly it doesn’t bring joy:(
*eh* "Stayed home" sounds like the women didn't work. Everyone on the household (infants, really toddlers and really really sickly elderly) worked their butts off. I'm the house, sure, but also in the garden, or wherever needed. (Of course, that "everybody" also implies that there's a whole group of adults working/hanging out together with a whole gaggle of babes underfoot who keep each other entertained. The older toddlers and kids, obviously, worked, too.) The situation today is just so radically different thanks to capitalism (for better or worse), is hard to pull off this sort of communal life. 😕 This also means something else: mom will be the baby's primary care taker, but at no point will she be the only one. Typically grandmas and everyone not able to work would play "nanny", and there will always be other relatives/friends around. Mediteranean families still behave like this. The whole "can't eat/wash/work/go to the toilet, because I've gotta watch after baby" situation just didn't arise. Ever.
You seem to be forgetting that women spent dozens more hours per week working to keep the home and also many times working outside it. Families also often lived in multigenerational households communities with alloparenting instead of relying on one person. You also seem to forget that child labor was prevalent, meaningful education was for the select few, and half of children were barely even making it to 5 years old. Children born today, yes even the ones who go to daycare, are much better off than they were even 100 years ago. I love how people view the past with rose-colored glasses and ignore all of the previous societal ills for the sake of make bad arguments.
@@melinated2497 I think when people invoke "the past" or talk about how "it's always been done", they usually mean the US 1950s ... which were unique, in all of humane history, but OK. 😅👍
@@simonspethmann8086 The person we replied to started their post with "for thousands of years." Folks just say things and speak in generalizations without knowing what they are talking about.
@@melinated2497 Yes, and yes, and .... I still stick to what I just said, because this type of person will say things like "since time immemorial" and still mean "1950". 😅 Keep hearing that in all areas: "pink was always for girls, blue for boys", "our ancestors always ate plenty of meat" (I mean, not defendants Inuit or nobility saying that), "babies used to sleep in their own room", "women always worked right after giving birth"...
This gives me a lot of peace because I never felt right about leaving my children in daycare although my son did half days in nursery when he turned 3. He didnt seem to learn much and towards the end of the year didnt want to go. My daughter never went and now they are both homeschooled. I constantly get told what confident, chatty and lovely children I have. They will try anything and always try to make friends when we visit anywhere. Go with your instincts. If you think your child will be best at home, they probably will be.
My son is 2 months old tomorrow. I'm on leave from my remote job as an engineer until he's 4.5 months old. At that point my parents will be coming to the house to watch my son. I'm fortunate in that my job is flexible and meeting hours don't start until 10am. My husband and I would love it if I could quit but when we relocated to be closer to my family our cost of living went up and my income accounts for half our income. I know I'm blessed in so many ways just don't know how I'll be able to focus on work knowing my son is upstairs.
Grandparents have historically been the first line of daycare. It seems like you have a good set up going for you. What you may end up doing is scheduling 20 minute breaks throughout your day to check in with your son and have a moment of quality bonding. 20 minutes would be a good rule of thumb as far as time goes and children’s attention span. The book, the power of showing up, might be a good read for you.
My mother did it right…my parents didn’t have kids until Dad finished his Ph.D. (not easy in the forties and early fifties), then was home with us until the youngest was well into school. She finished her degrees, eventually completing her doctorate, and had a rather stellar career but again, not until we youngest were well into school. Her mother taught school, but Mom was very close to her grandmother, who did a good deal of caretaking (trusted family member). I have great-nieces who are lovely young mothers, but believe that “it’s important for their daughters (babies and toddlers!) to see them be something more than a mother. My eyes cannot roll up further in my head.
I call ADD Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. In my experience, it's a child not getting enough attention from the parents that lead to the child behaving the way they do.
Thank you for this. I keep telling people that is important. I didn't go to day care we were home with grandma and the cousins and the retired aunts. We played and bonded and read books and learned folk songs. My kids will have that because my moms and aunts are supportive. Even the babies born overseas come home for ever summer to bond with home and family. We are everywhere but we know we are connected and supported and there is family to catch you. Very liberating.
I can speak to you both as a child who was put in daycare and as a parent who chose not to ever use daycare for the exact reasons you cite. My memory goes back to three days of age. I remember being put in daycare at a few months old and I did not like it. As soon as I could walk I would leave. At a very young age I was walking miles home through the woods. I learned not to take the roads as strangers would try to interfere. I had and still have a very good sense of direction and memory for paths. Locking me up just taught me how to break out. Fences get climbed. The only thing that stopped me was an elderly woman who taught me piano. Then I had reason to stay. My wife and I designed our life so that we were home with our kids. Our babies were carried by one or the other of us at all times or sleeping near us. It worked wonderfully.
We homeschooled and our kids were at college level by 14 each. Not pushed, rather that was how fast they went at their pace. Learning is fun. They also did farm chores, martial arts, swimming, play, parties, dancing and as school projects we built our own home and our own USDA butchershop. “What did you do over the summer?”
Wonderful info. I see the effects of babysitters/daycare raising kids everyday where I live in an affluent area. Stay at home moms are rare and many times belittled by other women and it breaks my heart. The more I age the more obvious it becomes that early childhood development should be a part of everyone’s education, a semester of high school maybe. It’s crucial information to better understand ourselves regardless of being a future parent.
I convinced my boss to let me go part-time from home! When my second was on the way I quit! No amount of money was worth strangers raising my kids and I definitely wasn't making enough money for it to make sense, once I had 2 kids we wouldn't have been losing money! I now homeschool both kids (which I never would have thought I would be doing), I love being with my kids and no one dies thinking "I wish I had spent less time with my kids."
I had my oldest in daycare for about 19 months before my second son was born and I started staying home. Hearing all this makes me sick to my stomach. My job was flexible, so my son had shorter days than most, would skip days often, etc., but I’m learning that wasn’t the consolation I thought it was at the time 😣 I went on to have two more children, a total of 4 kids ages 4 and under. It is HARD work, but truly, there is nothing else I’d rather do. What a gift; I just wish I would have known all this years ago. Thanks for doing the hard work to get the word out!
I was just trying to explain that society is so messed up because we have to be away from our kids. I love that I found this podcast. I’m blessed I could stay home with my kids
I worked because I was a single mother and I had to. I never thought I would have children because I didn’t think I would be a good mother Remember thinking often “please don’t let me screw them up” Had no confidence in my parenting skills at all. Probably paid closer attention because I was so concerned. Both my children are now adults and doing well-especially my son with autism. I wouldn’t recommend day care to anyone. I wouldn’t recommend public schools either. I think we have a generation who has less knowledge of parenting than I did.
Financially, I (the mom) have to work, but my husband is a stay at home dad, and i work from home primarily, so it has been great to bond with my child. Wish i could be the stay at home parent, but my career was more financially secure when we made the decision, along with other personal reasons. My mind is so much more at piece, knowing that even on days that I have to go into the office that my child is with family, not a stranger.
I enjoyed your insight. As an ECE educator at a preschool (traditional/morning only), I wish more people in the world understood the importance of attachment & especially sleep schedules. Gratefully, most parents I interact with seem to understand these concepts. Unfortunately, you lost me at ADHD. I have ADHD and had a very calm, nurturing childhood. My mom was a wonderful SAHM. Saying it is caused by stress puts undo pressure on parents that it is their fault if their children have ADHD.
Yes!! Also have adhd and a educator turned SAHM.. our house is calm as well. It’s genetic and it’s incredibly disheartening to hear misinformation being spread.
I stayed home with my 3 kids for 10 years and was not able to work cuz my husband worked odd hours/weeks/ months in oil rigs. Now I am 62 and dont get pension but my ex, my kids father are rich beause I allowed his career. Here in Norway people only get pension based on life long income. I choose, had no choise but take care of our children. And like all women in Norway, staying home to raise children we are poor, looked down on for not let our children grow up in institutions and with strangers looking after our kids. My ex even made sure I could not buy a home by denying childcare after I divorced him. He have 2 homes, moved far away, remarried and got new kids. Norwegian gvment do nothing to aid the stay at home moms. Other than ensuring we stay poor since we declined gvment rule to work to get a pension. Work makes free, but ruin our children
I don't think I have ever left a comment before but I listened to this and felt compelled to do so. Thank you for speaking up about what is true and right for our children AND for us as mothers. Better attached, more secure children should turn into more reasonable and happy adults so this really benefits society as a whole. I currently am the only woman I know irl who stays home. My third child is 15 months old (in other words, she is a baby) and I am constantly asked when I am returning to work, as though this is a play form of life, not a real one. I absolutely will not send her to nursery and the financial / career impact is large. I gave up a role as a Director in a massive company to stay home. I do not have a rich husband or lavish lifestyle and some months we really struggle. However, is there anything more important than our children? Even if we are thinking about our own personal fulfilment (which is not really the point) what is it that is written on our tombstones at the end of it all? Loving wife/mother etc. NOT "brilliant career woman". Anyway, all that's to say, thank you for saying it and please do keep encouraging women.
People inherently know something is not right with daycare because when other alternatives are presented such as a nanny or even stay at home, the other mothers who put their children in daycare feels the need to sorta shame or make you feel uncomfortable for those choices
You aired this podcast 7 months ago, every you said was spot on. Sept 2023, 1 year old died in day care after ingesting illegal fentanyl. Absolute tragedy, will those parents ever come to terms with this?
I'm 28 years old and I vividly remember me clutching on to the door frame and screaming when my mom dropped me off at the first day of head start when I was a child 😂
Haha I was that kid too. I was the kid that waved good bye to mom on the first day and happily skipped inside the daycare 😅 but I still wouldn’t and didn’t send my own children to daycare. My kids are similar to me, very independent and don’t cry easily and generally social. But i still wouldn’t put them in daycare and now I’m homeschooling 😅
Couples should plan their finances around one income. It can be done. There is so much we can live without. Our children can learn to be on the same team as the parents, helping with household duties. It can be done!
I feel SO passionate about this truth!!! I always wanted to stay home & care for my babies when they were young. Even though it was SO hard for me, I am so grateful I was able to do so! Working with adults in a professional work environment is MUCH easier for me personally but I just knew in my heart that I wanted to be the one to care for my little kids. I always felt bad when the kids started full time school - knowing “academically” my kids didn’t have that “full time day care” experience, but emotionally I KNOW my kids are so positively attached to me, that they will be sweet little humans as they continue this life. ❤ i used to wish my youngest could be in preschool longer, but now I feel grateful that he wasn’t in all day preschool. I just can’t get enough of listening to this topic & hearing other people’s experiences. There is clearly an agenda at work against us here….not having to use daycare & breastfeeding were my 2 biggest goals as a mother, & thankfully I got to achieve both 😇❤️ now I need to figure out how to parent my kids as they continue growing up. Babies were my favorite stage for sure.
This so needs to be heard. Oh, if only the young moms could see the things I have seen through the years, when I was with my little one at the park, and she fell and skinned her knee and came to me, crying, and I held her and caressed her and comforted her, while a little boy nearby with a group of 20 from a daycare center in the park also fell and skinned his knee, went crying to the daycare person, who shuffled him off away from her, harried as she was. And he walked away, moaning “mommy, mommy…” and crying. And I knew that afternoon when the mom came to pick him up, he would be washed and clean and smiling, and she would never know what had happened. Likewise in the library, with my little one, while a group of 20 (!) little ones from a daycare was playing at the toy table, and got into an argument, which was not taken care of by the day care person. And we wonder why kids and young adults and adults act the way they do. These things are never seen by the parents. The daycare workers are most often harried and at their wits end. Parents need to know. I so admire the young moms I see, living more simply, and doing without the flashy gadgets, so that they can be with their little ones. It is so very important. But it takes courage to stand against this idea which is pushed by society. Stand firm, parents. Do what your heart is telling you.
![Megan Thee Stallion - Bigger In Texas [Official Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/QxTkZTLWdo4/mqdefault.jpg)
I constantly get shamed by my in laws for deciding to be a SAHM. I was a full time working nurse until I had my son in August 2022 and I never have been happier staying home with him! They constantly question is about money (which honestly isn’t their business.) They brag about how much money they will have in retirement and how my brother and sister in law will be able to retire early because of how hard they both work now.
But my husband and I are very content! We do not have car payments, almost have our home paid off. I budget with the groceries, shop at dollar and thrift stores for our clothes, and we do have to deny ourselves a lot of “material possessions” of this life. But, it is so so worth it! We have a big yard for my son to run around and play, and in January we have his little sister coming 💜
I pray that the Lord continues to allow us to live this life, I love raising my baby (soon to be babies).
This is the biggest blessing of my life!!!
I also want to add that I am blessed that my parents are completely understanding of my desire to be a SAHM and it helps so much!
You guys are doing great! When the time comes home school your kids, you will not regret it.
It's so sad. All these toxic baby boomers care about is cash, and they wave it around like body armor and mock ppl who have less.
You will NEVER be sorry you sacrificed material things for the JOY of a mother/child bond❤️❤️So so happy for you!!!
They think of children as inanimate dolls.
I had planned on sending my kid to daycare. I toured 3 when he was about 6 weeks old and bawled in the parking lot after each visit. I told my husband there was no way I could leave my child at any one of those terrible places and I was ready to move some mountains so I didn't have to. Over 5 years and 2 more kids later and not a single one has spent a minute in daycare.
❤️🔥 so proud of you!
Good move!
Thank God! ❤❤❤❤❤ Good job mama! Hero 🙏🏼
Good on ya Mama!!! No one will love your children the way you will and can😊 👏🏽 👏🏽 👏🏽
How did you do that?
Thank you for reassuring me that I made the right choice to stay home with my kids. The amount of bullying, mocking and ridiculing that other women inflict on women who make different choices for their families is frankly overwhelming. Thank you for being brave enough to speak unpopular truth. Well done.
Ignore those women 😅 I've cut out everyone who was a feminist I don't need garbage people like that in my life 😅
It's really just the complete dismissal and diminishing of what a stay at home mother does that bothers me. There's a lot of ego wrapped up in career and income. But one can CHOOSE to put that amount of effort into building your household, in the literal sense of putting in that work ethic towards your husband and children. One of the greatest rewards to me personally is that my family has the comfort of knowing they lack nothing. They have clean clothes, good food, etc, and attention. Whether they appreciate it out loud or not, I take joy in my work, and strive for quality in my chosen vocation.
I am a stay at home Mum and thankfully I live in a small town, where you are more likely to find more stay at home Mum’s then in the city. My kids were in a day home when they were young part time for days I did want to go shopping. Then when my health got bad my son was in full time. Which I was great full. However, our day home provider was a family friend and licensed day home operator. However, since my health is better I have been home and homeschooling my kids. My Mum was a day home provider, and my teachers could tell that my Mum was home with us.
@@rachelbuster2826Yep!! I've been both a SAHM and a working mom. The most h8 I ever got from any demographic was from working moms when I was a SAHM. It's guilt and envy 1000%.
For the record, I've spent most of my time as a mother as a SAHM, including at the present. I am also homeschooling our children. Where there's a will, there's a way!!
That's what happens when people are made to face their shortcomings by your virtue, it's very painful for them. They can't even enjoy the thing they were trading for their destruction.
I stayed home with my child. The amount of crap I took from people is unbelievable. I was told my child was TOO attached to me.........
They can kick rocks. In the long run, people will have something to say when you do well. When you obey God. It's a given.
I also stayed home with my babies first 5 and got so much crap too for staying and they told me the same they are too attached but now my children are so well rounded, confident and smart. Now my family friends are changing that negative thought of a stay at home mom to wishing they can do the same.
My mom says that to me and I am currently on maternity leave and my response to her is, who should she be attached too at this age? Me, her mom!
I know. Child4en should be attached to us. Especially babies. What's wrong with people? So hard hearted.
I had 4 under 4 at one point and still I did my best to keep my babies with me as MUCH as possible until the age of 3. At which point they started daycare for 6 hours a day.
I remember when my husband and I were first married, we found out we were expecting our first child a few months later. We were excited and we decided that I would stay home with the baby. My older aunt made me feel so bad that I was deciding to stay home. She said that in every home, both partners needed to work. I even cried when I got off the phone with her. My husband encouraged me that it didn’t matter what she thought. Here we are ten years later. 3 more kids. The most recent, a set of twins born this year. I homeschool all of my children also. Couldn’t imagine it any other way. I thank God that I am able to do it.
The mother in the home IS working. So glad your husband stood his ground.
Whenever someone told me that we should put our kids in daycare, I looked them right in the eye and asked "are you offering to pay for it?"
I hardly ever got a straight answer, but at least people stopped offering their stupid opinions.
You picked a good man.
My former employer just looked at me and said, “What a waste” when I told her I was quitting to stay at home.
@@5dollarWatermelon But you made the right decision anyway! I would imagine you've never regretted it. 👏
When parents do not prioritize the secure attachment of an infant to their mother during the first three, minimum, years of life, they shoot themselves in the foot long-term, as well as harm their kids and entire family unit because you cannot effectively parent a child who has an attachment disorder! Also, men need to understand that once the mother is pregnant, the bonding has begun, and his job is not merely to step into a provider role (or become a "paycheck"), his job is to foster the mother-baby bond so that the securely attached infant will be capable of forming a great bond with him, so that he can effectively parent his kids as well. The entire family benefits emotionally, and this makes for a fun, relaxed, adventurous, fulfilling role as parents! Poorly attached children are much more difficult to raise. The bond must be protected! Our society is so backwards. Thanks for speaking up!
Well said
@@jmk576ditto
You phrased this very well... excellent!
There are parallel brain changes in the father-to-be. Also his testosterone lowers by one third
It depends on the situation and personality. One of my friends got her 3 year old into daycare, eventhough she was a stay at home mom. Her daughter loved it.
I've worked in a couple daycares. It's a horrible way for children to grow up. No matter how well-trained the staff or how great the facilities are, it can never come close to what a mother or father can provide. It breaks my heart seeing children cry all day long, and there's only so much I can do. There are simply too few caregivers for too many children. Daycare is something I never ever want to put my future children through.
I agree, I’ve worked in a daycare too and feel the same. Would not send my kids there
What is your daycares ratio??
@@Jenny-ls7hf 3-1 for infants, 8-1 for toddlers, 10-1 for three year olds, and 12-1 for the older kids.
That doesn’t sound like enough. I’m a new mom, and I have no idea how I’m going to ever be able to leave home (during the day) to do things for myself. I was looking up if any daycares accept infrequent or part-time kids. Like once a week, I have no idea. Most seem only FT. I don’t even know where to find a babysitter or how I can trust a stranger.
The first 5 year’s are so important for the child, bonding, love and trust with parents. This podcast needed to be around in the 80’s that’s when daycare took off. I was in the minority who decided to stay home and raise my children. I was looked down upon. Many moms that I met were able to stay home financially but chose not to because they told me I don’t want to be home because I need a break from my kids. As their children grew up, they didn’t have a good bond with their parents. My children are grown and have said to my husband and me thank you for having us be daycare deprived. We have a strong family unit married 44 years. I truly believe it’s because I was there for them on a daily basis. Dr. Laura Schlesinger was an advocate for stay at home moms since the 80’s. Daycare is the 1 thing the Feminist movement encouraged so the women would get out and work. So sad.
... this is our modern world.. we have to explain to MOTHERS why it's not good to just leave their BABIES with strangers.. dissociation at its best. I'm so glad my mum stayed home and I never even considered daycare..
Mrs. Venker, I am a man preparing for my wife and children. I have NEVER heard a woman speak against daycare, and yet, I have always been against the thought of someone else spending more time with my children than my wife and I. Thank you for educating me even more, especially since you are not the norm. Oh, I so appreciate you right now!!!!! I think about my children, my children's children, and my children's children's children EVERY DAY, something I have never seen before in my life. Being a bastard child is not fun, so that foolishness ends with me: there will be no other generation after me to suffer from this.
You’re a MAN (as opposed to just being male.)
@@angelarogerson6861 You go, girl. 😉 Angela, I appreciate this, lady. Thank you so much. 🙏
I love how you are being intentional regarding your legacy. Kudos to you.
@@jboogie819 Janel, your words mean more than you know. Everyday, I remind myself and speak these words: "My wife and my children are waiting for me." And I am a single man. I have never witnessed family life, meaning having both my father and my mother teaching and training me, simultaneously. It is scary to want this for myself, to wonder if I will ultimately succeed. I think about my ways, and just how much I am willing to learn new ways. There is The Blueprint every man is meant to achieve, and I just want to be embody the original design. I do not know enough, so my appetite keeps me growing because I know how to shut up and listen. This aim is costing me everything, but what is better than having your own family, especially when someone like Mrs. Venker is providing such wonderful ingredients and the recipe for it?
@Lexxus Smooth "My wife and my children are waiting for me." You're a rare breed. God bless you, sir. You have a great mindset, and I hope you find your happiness! I think you will
If another mother is mad or she belittles you because you stay at home, she is just trying to make herself feel better that she is choosing her job over her children. It's unnatural to leave your kids for someone else to take care of them daily. It's her own insecurity so don't pay attention.
Yep. Guilt and insecurity for sure.
My mother was a sahm, she was unattached. I believe because of her past, she couldn't attach. I don't hold it against her, I just told myself when I was a mother, I would do different.
I was a sahm and loved my children and showed them.
As an empty-nester, I am so thankful I went against the norm and raised my babies.
TIMES GOES BY TOO FAST, EVEN WHEN THE DAY TO DAY SEEMS TO GO BY SO SLOW. 😊
My feminist mother went back to work when I was in 2nd grade. Along with my one year older brother and younger sister we were latch key kids. Nothing got in the way of my mothers career. If I was sick she would justify calling me a hypochondriac. Threw up in school with a fever. He’s just faking it. Squints at the black board? He’s faking it. Has bloody nose every week and headaches. He’s picking his nose. Truth is I had heart disease she chose to ignore. There was no pee wee Baseball, football, soccer or Boy Scouts. Her career came first. On the weekends I was on my way to my grandparents so my mother and father could have a few days without kids. As I got older I didn’t need her and would ignore her. Never told her anything. It wasn’t her business. When she was upset I didn’t take her to pick out my wife’s engagement ring I laughed. Where has she been since I was seven? No small wonder she was a miserable grandmother too. Didn’t even remember their birthdays.
👏 👏 👏 thank you
I hope you'll be able to forgive her. Afterall she gave you life. Im sure you're dad wasn't perfect, didn't hear you blame him? We all go through bad times as kids but we can choose to forgive and be free.
@@Leslove1777 Dad worked two jobs to buy and pay for our house. He never spent a dime on himself. Never heard any woman doing that.
@@map3384 maybe so...however did your mom change your dirty diapers, feed you, clothe you, clean the house? All while dad was working the two jobs? Man's work is from sun to sun. But women's work is never done. 🙄
Doesn’t sound like it with his mom. We should not baby our parents, they are grown ass adults.
I’m hearing a lot of parents say their kids are in “school” when it’s daycare. Makes it sound so virtuous when it’s just dumping off your kids.
I’ve noticed this too.
Exactly!!!
It’s actually outsourcing of motherhood to someone whom doesn’t have a vested interest in your child’s well-being like the actual mother would.
“School” = expensive daycare
It drives me nuts how many times I have heard people advocate for letting thier child cry themselves to sleep
I have one child that I bedshared with and nursed to sleep until... well he's two and he still nurses to sleep sometimes. I have one child that would not sleep on me or near me. She would wake right up as soon as she realized she was touching me. I had to use a bassinet and she always put herself right to sleep without a problem for the first six months. She wanted to nurse to satisfaction and then be put down. Now, at one year old, she sometimes cries for a while before falling asleep. But she is very clear that she doesn't want to be picked up and soothed. If I pick her up and rock her she gets quite more upset! Some babies need to cry a little and don't like to be held while falling asleep. I still find it bizarre. I think because I was tandem nursing, I had too much milk for her to comfort nurse and that's why she never nursed to sleep.
Studies show leaving infants to cry alone all night can cause brain damage…
@adrianachavaje908 and no one advocates for that. Letting a baby cry for a limited period of time and learning to self soothe is an important part of development. No one would promote ignoring a crime baby all night. Going to the extreme only makes you look foolish and immature. It's also a straw man argument. So easy to knock down an opponent's argument when you've made a ridiculous version of it.
@@heatherwoods5703@adrianachavaje908 made a statement not an argument. So you are the one not engaging in the conversation properly. Her statement is factual as well.
@heatherwoods5703 I agree with most of what you said, however, there are many people who advocate closing the door and not opening it again till morning.
I am a stay at home mom. Many women have encouraged me to put my 2 year old into daycare. I am not judging those who choose otherwise, but that doesn't feel right to me at all! I have gone with my instincts on the matter and the advice of my very wise late father who told to me stay home with my daughter. Nothing can replace a mother's attention and love. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and expertise.
Don't listen to them!
I understand is hard but I have 2 kids as well and the discipline that me and my wife have achieved with our children it wouldn't be possible if they would have ended up in daycare be strong you got this. 💪🏾
It's best, to probably be home, until child is out of 6th grade
They could be taught good eating habits, like no snacking on weekdsys..along with decent bedtimes(no walmart tfios around 830) kids used to not become obese then
I'm a stay at home mom as well to 2 toddlers and i am so happy that I get to watch grow everyday. I'm amazed at how fast they are growing and if I was to be working I would really be missing out. I also am homeschooling because no one can really trust the school system either these days with the perversion going on.
You are doing perfectly and are going to be happy that you raised your kids yourself! Stay strong and who cares what others think. You are doing what God has called all mothers to do. The government is only mad they can't tax you because you aren't working outside of the home, Taxation is theft anyways.
Children who are in daycare are constantly sick and being exposed to other things you wouldn't want them learning anyways. Do your thing stay at home mama!
I put my one year old in part time daycare for a few months when I was heavily pregnant with our second child and for a few months post partum. I was not able to play with her anymore, it was just me and her at home and she was so bored, wanted to explore, was trying to get into everything and I physically was unable to stop her everytime. She flourished in part time daycare, she finally got attention there (it was only 3 kids) and she was always excited to go and happy when she got home. Sometimes, we need help and thats okay. But it should be a last resort imo
Whenever someone told me that we should put our kids in daycare, I looked them right in the eye and asked "are you offering to pay for it?"
I hardly ever got a straight answer, but at least people stopped offering their stupid opinions.
Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
My husband and I planned ahead to be able to live on one income once we had a baby. We could have bought a bigger house when we had two incomes, but I put much greater value on spending time with my son. He is leaving for college this week and I am so grateful for all of the time we’ve had together!
Same!
My son is 6, I have been married for 10 yrs and even in those first 4 yrs we shoveled my income away into savings. We live in a modest house and take one small family vacation each year, drive 15 yr old economy cars and eat out like once a month…I wouldn’t trade this time for anything ❤️
My sibling and I were in daycare until mom’s maternity leave ended after 6 weeks. From 7 AM to 5 PM, then eventually taking the bus home by ourselves to spend a couple hours alone until they got home from work, when my older sibling was about 12. Our time management skills did not benefit from this unstructured free time.
My parents were able to give us nice things and we were allowed to attend camps and do a bunch of sports as well as have vacations, but I always felt like I was on the outside looking in as I experienced childhood- never quite feeling worthy of love in the same way as I saw others receiving it. My fear of abandonment and rejection caused me to attract selfish, toxic friends and blame myself for most poor treatment. I had really bad anxiety as a kid and worried often. I never went through that phase of pushing my parents away because they embarrassed me- I needed them close. Even leaving for college felt like an abandonment after so much missed time at home. Thankfully God redeems but we kids sacrificed a lot for my mom’s career and she would go back and change things if she could. Therapy has been really expensive too. Stay home with your kids when they’re little. They need to be able to take you for granted even if it feels like a thankless job at times.
I was a daycare baby. Raised from the time I was 6 weeks old by a provider rather than my parents. I still don’t have a close relationship with my mother. We talk to each other once or twice a month. I always knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but it was never made out to be a realistic option. I had to be a career woman. That’s just what I had to do, but it’s never what I wanted. It broke my heart going back to work when our oldest was 10 weeks old. I wound up being laid off two months later which was an absolute blessing in disguise. We still weren’t financially stable at the time so I went back to waitressing part-time, but we wound up not needing daycare because I worked at night and my husband could watch the kids when he got home. I became a full-time stay at home mom when our oldest was 18 month old and our second child was six months old after we got all of our financial ducks in a row and I’ve never looked back.
I worked in a day care center before having kids, I assure you these centers are not healthy for your kids. We had fourteen toddlers in a room with two staff. they learn horrible ways of relating to people when they are stuck in a room with soooo many kids as lost as they are.
There are stories out there about children coming home with bite marks
@@SisterliskThey’re not just stories. There were lots of biters at the day care I worked at. Could only disinfect and put the kid in time out. Of course, you had to physically hold him there, which allowed the other kids to do whatever (including biting)
@@iconodule3938 What do you suspect is the reasoning behind such behaviors?
@@SisterliskBiting is age appropriate behavior for toddlers. They bite to explore the world around them; it’s sensory exploration. It’s also frustration- they don’t know how to verbally communicate with their peers & show frustration via biting, pushing etc. Once they learn more effective communication skills, the behavior usually falls to the wayside.
It can get out of hand when the ratio of children to staff is too large though.
@kayleigh6372 . It helps a lot when parents are there to help and talk to kids who bite. Especially when it's in the parents' view. I've got 6. 2 were biters. Like goats, eat anything, bite anything, bite anyone if upset, frustrated, mad, lick stick, move punch, kick jump hide, scream....you name it. Thank god they dont climb the roof, lol. I had many conversations and disciplinary actions. It was my younger ones, as the household became busier, so did I. Didn't take the appropriate time with each one, or I took the wrong disciplinary action, which resulted in less time with them to talk, teach, and discipline. As I gave more attention and helped kids work out feelings and teaching more and better techniques, things cooled off. I have kids about 2 years apart roughly. I love seeing my oldest interact with youngest(over 10 years apart) and teaching, the different ages and 8 in a small home, lots to learn, even more to learn on outings with this many. Lol. There are many reasons behind every behavior. Sahm's ROCK. first 4 years of kids life is super important to spend with mom and dad 👨👩👧 ❤️ Not around people with less than minimum wage who, for the most part, don't have kids. I was a nanny for years and been around all kinds. I'd highly suggest anyone read before becoming pregnant read during pregnancy and read after and continue to read all you can about kids. So important. Especially in this day and age when mental health is rapidly climbing 🥰❤️🫶
Not harmless, "good for the child's socialization" is what they push.
And I always think to myself: what socialization? Hitting? Biting? Screaming? Swear words? (Even though they gonna pick them up sooner or later anyways) More misbehavior that could be avoided by them not copying other children… And don’t get me started on the “socialization” in schools like bullying etc.!
My sister has to work for financial reasons. I’m so thankful my husband provides enough allowing me to be home with my babies. Her youngest comes to my house twice a week (3). Instead of my niece running to her mom in desperation at the end of the day for pick up (like she did in day care), she smiles and says, “Hi mom!” And happily keeps playing while we visit.
Lean into your family if you can. ❤ My mom isn’t in the picture, but my MIL is an ANGEL! My girls do the same at her house because they are truly loved there. So hard for the mamas that don’t have any support.
On the sleep schedule issue, she is on point.
I was so diligent with my sons sleep/nap schedule that my mom would get mad at me for not rearranging his sleep to go to the mall when she wanted to go. And don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t a once in a blue moon kind of thing, she would frequently call and want me to drop everything to go to lunch with her and her sisters, and usually if it interferes with nap time I would just say no. When he slept well the whole house ran so much more smoothly. He never cried at nap time because I was that “terrible mother” that rocked him for naps and bedtime until he was like three. I didn’t mind, I knew he was going to be my only, and he was usually out like a light. When he turned three (around then anyways), I would rock him for a few minutes and then he would tell me he was ready to lay down, I’d lay him down and walk out. To this day he sleeps for 11 hours a night. He is six, I tuck him in at 7pm and don’t hear a peep until 6am…he doesn’t nap but we do an hour of “quiet time” after lunch where he takes a few books or toys to his bed and lays down for a rest. So I’m beyond happy that I protected nap and bedtime when he was an infant and toddler.
I did the same thing with my daughter and had a relaxed household because of having routine nap/bedtimes. My peers did not do this and their house seemed chaotic from it. My wise mom told me to get my daughter into a routine and that was the best advice ever!
I will never forget that summer I spend living with a french family next to a daycare centre.😢 The first day, I woke up at 6am sharp because of some kittens meowing (or so I thought) and when I mentioned it at breakfast that there may be some stray kittens in the garden, I got that strange look and they told me those were babies. It was just constant cryong from 6am to 5pm. I felt so heartbroken and swore I will never do this to my child. And I never did. When my kid was 3 or 4 I looked into preschool options and checked all of them in my neighborhood but they all were such a sad sad place to be. My kid hated it, as did I but I thought this is how kids get socialized. Well, when Covid started we diacovered how wonderful homeschooling works (I could go on and on) and here we are. We just love our company. Sure, sometime I crave for alonw time or adult time but I also know soon my kid will fly out and I will be happily watching him go. I have zero fear or jealousy for how he will create his adult life. I feel it is a time well spend and an honour to raise this little human. And yes, I am working from home, not always easy, but (enotionally) easier than building a life around a career. ❤
Have you looked into a co-op or homeschool gathering groups in your area? Mine is huge on supporting parents and community. You get down time to chat with other parents, plus they do couples nights and things. Just as a suggestion to help you get a break while also giving your kid a great benefit!
Beautifully said, speaking as an empty-nester 😊
@Alexis_9339 Only you know how your kid is being treated unless you are there. That's the only problem for me. I'd only want to leave my kids with trusted family members. But I know unfortunately not everyone has that so you just have to be lucky🙏
@@weetzybat my homeschool co-op and outings the parent stays. So I may not be in their room constantly but I’m in the same building and seeing them frequently, never have less than 2-3 adults in a room and an adult is never alone with any of the kids. As far as safety I think it’s pretty good!
It’s really as simple as this. Do you want your child be with someone all day who loves them?
Imo..daycare is a reason kids are overweight
When a parent is home, there would be no snacks before dinner
After school
Or used to be
or, do you want to ever see your grandchildren?
@@kathleenking47 It is! When my daughter was in daycare for a short time they food they fed her was very unhealthy. Their snacks were very sugary. When she was home prior to daycare I was always giving her fruits and veggies. Since Covid, I’ve kept her home permanently and I had to train her to eat her fruits and veggies regularly again. Now she’s 4, and she’s back to eating and desiring to eat healthy! Many daycares don’t have healthy alternatives unfortunately
@kathleenking47
I disagree with this.
I went to daycare in the 90s (it sucked) and overweight/obesity was wayyy lower compared to kids today. Every single fat kid I know did not go to daycare. They are typically being raised by a grandparent or grandparents.
@@tiffanyyllera5977 my kids aren't fat, didn't go to daycare and were raised by their momma who hugged on them all day.
Great podcast. They say that this failure to bond is what leads to lack of empathy which leads to violent crime and may explain the explosion of narcissm.
Me and my hubby have 6 kids between us and we've managed to get by without daycare. He barely makes 30k a year and that's before taxes and insurance etc. No, we don't have a lot of extra money but our kids are warm and safe and loved. My youngest 2 are finally in elementary school full time now and my hubby has told me that he wishes I would just continue to be home (and no he's not controlling we were having an honest conversation) because with so many kids there's always someone needing to be picked up from school sick and there's fall break, christmas break, spring break, summer break, etc where they can't be in school. It's just so much easier to be at home where there's nothing you can't drop if one of your kids need you. I guess some families want nicer homes and cars and all that but for us it's just more important to be good parents and be here for our kids. My hubby also works 4 days a week 10 hours a day so that he can have an extra weekend day to be home and help out. I guess I'm just trying to say it can be done if it's important to you and you have both parents working together on things.
Also, houses don't run themselves, someone has to do the cleaning, cooking and laundry and when both parents work out of the home something has to give, it's always the kids and household that suffer.
Yep. Lots of families live within their means on one income (even a meager one) with multiple children while also homeschooling. It can be done if you're willing to make sacrifices, not excuses. Where there's a will, there's a way!
So, this is a little random but so sweet I wanted to share. My son lost his grandma on Mother’s Day this year but he’s young still and doesn’t exactly understand that she’s gone. However, ever since he last saw her, he’s been calling certain women grandma when he sees them and it’s the sweetest thing. I’ve noticed these women are usually calm and seem very kind. So I just wanted you to know that my 5 year old said “hi grandma” to you when he saw your picture ❤
❤❤❤
So sweet ❤
As a former toddler "teacher", and a Head Start volunteer and substitute, I completely agree. Day care is not a good thing, as opposed to preschool as you said. I stayed home with my 5 kids, and helped with the grandkids when I could. Money has been adequate most of the time. Dollars come and go, but the influence we have on our kids lasts a lifetime.
gosh to me it’s just such common sense that my baby needs me especially those early years. it did not feel right to leave my baby with a stranger for even ten minutes to shower let alone at daycare all day. i cant believe how many mothers are out of touch with their intuition
🎯🎯🎯💯
That's interesting. Do you care about you and your financial independence or do you rely onto someone else to support you and your kids ?
@@VeraAbroad gaslight much? Your kids' upbringing is more important than backing a failing system
@@jennifergreen6109 I am sure it is when you do not need to worry about money and /or rely on someone else. No thanks, financial independence is key. You can be a good parent and work and send kids to daycare. And if you ask me you are even better if you teach them that they need to be independent ( especially if you have daughters). We criticize society and then at the same time we are saying that they basically need to be married and they will be alright. Wow we, back in the 1800.
@@VeraAbroad I'm not subscribing to a paradigm that puts money above all else. People that subcontract out the raising of their children to strangers for money have no business having them. Continuing to back this dumpster fire of a society is not going to keep it from burning to the ground
I have 3 kids under 5. I stay home with them. It’s amazing the way my peers talk about daycare like it’s GOOD for toddlers and babies to “socialize”. You’re telling the truth and I appreciate it.
Some kids do love it. My friends kid loved it, so it was fine for her.
Children who don't attend daycare can be socialized with playdates and playgroups. Many local libraries and churches offer them if Mom doesn't know enough other moms to start one.
@ngerstner753 what does that have to do with dumping your child in an institution for 50 hours a week to be raised by people making $11/hr
@ngerstner753Gosh, what ever did we do before daycares existed?
How do you manage your emotions and house chores?
I have a 11 months old and I struggled to have the house clean and taking care of my baby. Because he loves to play all day or sleep on me. So sometimes I'm in the middle of the night cleaning.
Also I wanted three babies but I'm so exhausted that I don't know if I can anymore. I love my baby with all my heart but I would like to have a few hours during the day to do my stuff and sometimes I feel burnout.
Ive stayed home with my baby since 2020 after leaving what most would call a high profile career. My colleagues and friends are advancing, winning 40 under 40 awards, getting huge bonuses, etc. But my greatest award, my child is thriving! Brilliant and secure from consistent nurturing, healthier from home cooked meals, happier from her secure family. When other mothers ask how I could feel fulfilled I almost have to laugh ❤ never.been.better.
We have been so programmed to not have empathy for our babies is crazy. My husband and I managed to have our business from home and I am so glad. I spend the whole day with my baby, but sometimes I feel like I need a break. Once I get a window and leave my baby with grandparents I constantly think about her. One day I left her with my mother for many hours and when I saw her she didn’t want to make eye contact with me. Later on realized that she felt abandoned by me. I am not planing on leaving my baby overnight or many hours without me. Please have empathy for your babies. You are there hero and they feel safe and calm around you. There is never going to be a better place for them than with you. Nobody is going to love them or care for them better than you.
I have 6 children. I came home after my first was born. I planned to work part time, but I had no idea how badly I would hate being separated from my baby. Fortunately my husband was on board with being the sole provider. Ive home schooled my children the whole way. We've connected with wonderful families. I hated going to daycare when my mom worked. It was lonely. She came home for a few years, and it was the best time of my childhood.
My mom left me with my grandmother and 2 aunts for July and August, 600+ miles away from where we lived. I think that is what saved me in many respects.
We were foolish and got married at 22, while we were broke college students…we had our first son two years later and then two more daughters…But I mostly stayed home with our kids and they never were in daycare. We struggled financially in a major way, but God always provided for us and continues to do so. I am now privileged to homeschool our three kids in a home that we own….finances are still tight but I don’t regret my decision to be with my own children at all. I have been there for everything and I’m so thankful, even though we have to pinch pennies
I listened to 1 of Suzanne's podcasts about daycare for the 1st time a few weeks ago. Literally the next day I got a call that there was an open spot for my 18 month old at a nearby daycare we had been on the waiting list for. I mulled it over for 1 day and turned it down. I thought I'd be satisfied if I could raise her for her 1st year of life at home and when it came time, I was filled with so much anxiety at the thought of parting with her even only for 3 days a week that I couldn't do it. I can't even imagine how moms who put their 6 week old babies in daycare must feel.
I'm so thankful I listened to that podcast just in time. I pray every night that God will help me be the best parent I can be to our daughter. And I think he answered my prayers and gave me the courage to prioritize my child over a paycheck when that podcast video ended up in my feed. I kept reasoning that I'd have at least 60% of her waking hours together (in my case) but something kept pushing back and the niggling thought of the fact that I'd be essentially willingly selling nearly half of my time with my toddler for the low low price of my paycheck. And that the price would continue to decrease in value as she grew up with the effects of having been raised for half her toddler years in daycare.
Thank you, Suzanne! You are right - educating us parents about this really does change our minds and help us make better choices
God did indeed answer your prayers, He goes before us always. Homeschooling is awesome, start preparing for it now and you will love it.
I love this conversation. When I became pregnant with my baby I knew that I wanted to stay home to raise my son. People often looked at it as a privilege, but I happily gave up those social comforts to be with my baby and I don’t regret it. I watched many women in my family be so grieved about separating from their babies, I would even go to say that it changed their connection with their child. Great conversation.
I find it genuinely funny that people see it as privilege, when privilege is what led to putting kids in the care of others to begin with. It was the high societies that started this. We just recently started normalizing it in the lower classes.
I can remember being depressed all day at day care, I would sit by the fence and wait for my mother to return. It damaged me.
Unfortunately she’s a narcissist and we never talk. Cutting my losses.
Same friend. Saying a prayer for you. ❤
As an American social worker, I have stressed this with the young parents I have worked with in order to trigger protective behaviors in them that benefit their children
Education is key because many young parents are products of daycare or after school programs and thus, don't have benefit of having experienced being guided by the skills they now need to replicate with their children.
Good for you for trying to help those parents out. Keep up the good work.
I'm glad I got to stay home with my kids now for the last 19 years so far. Oldest is working now and Youngest is 8yrs old now and now homeschooling too. School has become a toxic environment. Millenial house wife 😅
Seriously, as a former martial arts instructor, daycare kids are a preditors dream. We could always tell which children stayed home with mum and which ones were raised in day care. They have no stranger awareness and would often be very friendly and sometimes even hug us, they had just met us.
Some kids are just like that. My kids never went to daycare but my oldest has always been sooooo outgoing she just wants to talk to everyone. She didn't get it from me 🤔
If this separation is so horrible for kids (which I totally agree it is), then can you imagine how bad it is to let your baby cry it out to sleep. Somehow, so many believe there's nothing wrong with "cry it out". I believe this has also been brainwashed in our society to support working moms. Therefore, keeping women in the workforce.
All of my friends and even family told me to let my baby cry it out. I tried for about 3 nights. But both me and my baby we’re heart broken and it didn’t feel natural at all. It felt so wrong. BECAUSE IT IS
@amyhundley6858 I'm so sorry you went through that with your baby 😞 but I'm glad you listened to your instincts and didn't continue ❤️
Ive listened to a couple of your videos now so im not sure if it was this one that you mentioned husbands pushing women to put their kids in day care but im dealing with that right now. Our son is almost a year and a half and weve gone most of this time on his income alone yet he is still convinced that i need to work for us to meet ends meet. Ive done the math several times but for some reason, its just ingrained in him that our son needs to go to daycare and i need to get a job. Ive argued every point and angle and at this point, i dont even argue anymore. I just tell him ill work when our son goes to preschool or kindergarden. It just blows my mind that he can't see the negative repercussions of sending a young child to daycare.
What does he think you need so bad that you have to work? Is there anywhere you can cut back on something? Good luck.
Im sorry to jest that. Im stay home mum who worked weekends after mat leave. For 7 years I raised kids home without day care Monday to Friday and worked weekends. My husband who worked Monday to Friday outside of home was a care giver on weekends. That gave us extra income and gave him chance to experience of hard work to raise a child. He had to cook, clean and go outside with kids. We couldn’t do it any other way and I think this was so important for my son to see that father needs to be present in kids life.
HOLD YOUR GROUND!!!
If your finances are stable, listen to your instincts/intuition.
He's brainwashed.
It took my (latchkey) husband a few decades & a serious health scare before he realized the importance of a DEDICATED FT wife & home-educating mother. (He now feels *horrible* about the stress he put on me.)
With all the crazy cultural, social, & political chaos going on... our grown sons, their girlfriends, and friends SEEK out our home for STABILITY, healthy modeling, bonding, honest conversation, compassion,... and home made food. 😉
Seriously, it's become a challenge to get our weekend chores done! 😄😄😜
***FAMILY FIRST***
@@ee8226 don't get me wrong, I earn extra money on the side when I have time and am able to. I don't like to have to ask my husband to send me money for things. But I'm not consistently available to work an hourly job even from home without sacrificing spending time with our son, time with my husband, or making sure the house is clean. In the end, I would rather sacrifice getting new clothes or things for myself than to sacrifice quality time or quality living conditions. It comes down to him having a consumerist mind set and me having a more minimalist mind set.
my ex-husband left our marriage because i refused to put our son in daycare. the real reason is probably because he could not tolerate the fact that his life would no longer revolve around only his needs now that he had a son, and he projected this resentment onto me. But i stood my ground, and with the help of my parents financial support, i raised my son at home until pre-K (which i still felt was too soon, by the way) My ex also chastised me for not focusing on getting a job, and accused me of endangering our son of becoming anti-social. The feeling that I was some kind of criminal fugitive followed me everywhere i went, because there were so few women doing the same thing. But now things are changing. Trust yourself, your instinct is never wrong.
My first child was born 21 years ago, so I can definitely relate to the "mommy wars." My instinct from the moment I found out I was pregnant was to be her primary caregiver. I knew no other moms who were at home in my small town. I was young and not completely confident and sometimes felt like I was doing something "wrong." There have been a couple of times when I have briefly had to go back to work but I have mostly been at home with my kids. I now have five children and I have never regretted being with them full-time. (P.S. My two adult children are amazing. I could not be more proud of them.)
I worked doing Admin at a daycare one summer in 1990. It was a fluorescent lit, draining, whining, crying, lack of normal human contact, constantly seeing other kids misbehaving, mind-numbing environment. I can see why we have so much trouble with people under the age of 35 these days. Their childhoods were artificial and now they are artificial.
I was educated as a mandatory child abuse reporter w a state university. All of the childcare centers I worked at had abusive caregivers. The worst was the mother that got hired and over saw us taking care of her little girl. She isolated her little girl in a jumper alone on the other side of the room from the other kids in the baby room. Although she was only 1 1/2 the baby knew this was wrong and often cried and cried for attention. One day I moved all the kids around me including her and rocked them. I did the unimaginable and picked up her little girl and she grabbed onto me and hugged me, like no-one ever has before. The next day this little girl and her mother were gone. I Called child protective services and reported this mother and ALL of the other abuse the was caught on tape. I of course was black balled and will never be hired again because I reported the abuse!!
@janethomas78 That mother was abusing HER OWN CHILD! I wonder how she would have treated the kid if she were at home alone with her full time. Some people just shouldn’t be raising kids-and those people DEFINITELY shouldn’t be stay at home parents!
I grew up in an in-home daycare. My parents couldn’t afford the center in town that had kids doing field trips and educational activities. We were left with an older woman who smelled like cigarettes and parked us in front of the TV 8+ hours a day. On a GOOD day it might be children’s programming like Rugrats and Nickelodeon. On a bad day she had us watching soap operas, Maury and Jerry Springer. A room full of elementary school kids chanting “JERRY! Jerry! Jerry!”
I’m now a stay at home mom with my two. I don’t trust anybody with them like that.
Lol I can relate.
I remember one summer I signed up 2 of my 3 daughters in a "day camp" that their school was hosting. The brochure read that it would entail fun activities.
After day one, my daughters were SO distraught from the lack of activities, screaming kids, and nonexistent parental control that they vemenously declared that they weren't going back. 😮 I didn't make them go back.
It was obviously a glorified push for daycare. I am a SAHM, & I was just trying to give them something different for a week during the summer break, but boy, was I wrong! I couldn't imagine having my little ones in a place like that on a daily basis! 🤯💔
Great points! My husband and I always felt it was important for one of us to be home with our kids - it was me since his job paid way more. When my oldest just turned 4 and we sent him to 4K, he got sick a lot and it went downhill real fast. Many people (including the school staff) said I should keep sending him in some capacity but my son said that he didn't want to go back to that school. I prayed and slept on it and by morning I knew that he was strong-willed and forcing him to continue at that moment would not turn-out well. It made the decision easier since I was pregnant with our second and still at home. The next year, things went much better. He just needed more time and he's a very successful 8th-grade student now.
In addition to our country's focus on economics/money rather than the wellbeing of children and families, I think poor health (including highly processed foods, toxins, etc.) and things like social media has brought our population to a frightening place. I hope we can get to a healthier balance and a stronger country again - especially for our kids sake.
This is PURE GOLD. Thank you for making me take more responsibility for my wife and children. I have no one to discipline me in the way you are right now. I love this investment in my strength from your knowledge. Thank you. 🙏
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@@shavaniahiggs8426 Wow. Thank you. 🙏
When my first baby was 6 months old, I had to start working again for financial reasons. I found a great part time job near home and found a good babysitter, but I cried when I thought of leaving my daughter. I called back and told them I didn't want the job. I told Gd I needed to be home and that I trusted something better would come along. 3 days later I was called about a work from home job paying much higher than anything else I had considered. I told them that my main priority was my daughter and they decided to give me a shot. I worked thag job until my 3rd child was born. I was able to be with my kids full time and worked when they were sleeping.
Once my 3rd was born my husband and I decided that I should stop working so I could have more peace of mind, which affected the peace and calm of our home and I've been home since.
If you're clear on what you want, you will find a way to make it work. Don't be afraid to hold onto your values because when you believe in yourself and what you're doing, things will fall into place.
I am 27 and I am in a very affluent area. I get looks from doctors and local people when they learn I am 27 (and married), and that I have a baby. “Won’t baby get attached to you?” “Doesn’t that worry you?”My husband works very hard so that I can stay home with our baby. Our condo is very modest and I love this life. We plan on having more children in our condo. We downsized so we could live this way comfortably. I dropped out of college to raise our baby. College was full of professors telling us men ain’t sh*t! I was so tired of it. I started working as a nanny again while I was pregnant. I’m excited to homeschool one day. I can honestly say that without a doubt women are being lied to. After 18 women need to learn how to date without the internet. I’ve lost friends subscribing to the “girl boss” lifestyle. It’s sad.
My daughter was at daycare at six weeks. 22 years later she’s in jail, we never bonded. I had to work and I was working 55 to 60 hours a week. She was so neglected
Wow it takes a lot to admit that you made mistakes and that it cost you and your child. Idk if you’re a Christian but I encourage you to pray for her. God can change her heart and hopefully you have been able to communicate with her and admit to your mistakes. It’s important that we as parents apologize when we’re wrong. I pray you and your daughter to find forgiveness from your sins and peace to move forward and create a strong relationship 🙏
I'm proud of you for having the courage to admit this. I'm going to assume, though, that her father wasn't around given how much you were working, and if that's the case, you really had no choice other than to do what you had to do to raise her or, alternatively, put her up for adoption. If Daddy wasn't around to look after his part, you can't put all the blame on yourself. I feel terrible for your daughter and I hope you are able to build a relationship with her and she can find peace. ❤
Your daughter made bad choices as well. I would not place the blame on you. I think daycare has it's benefits, naturally it has pros and cons. Nor would I knock stay at home moms.
@@jjgems5909Amen and amen!
So was I, but I'm happily married to an amazing man with a beautiful child, have a lucrative career, and outstanding relationships with my loved ones. I have also always been a law-abiding citizen.
My mum worked in day nurseries as a career, although most of her work was as a nanny. She told me to not put my child in a day nursery, but she didn't warn me against nannies and childminders.
She always enjoyed working as a nanny more and was able to get to know the kids, sort out challenges the kids had and help the mother out in dealing with those challenges when mum couldn't manage it herself.
She also told me day nursery children didn't have stranger danger. They just trusted everyone. They didn't prioritise their primary caregiver over others, like non day nursery children.
We have to learn to listen to our instincts. I even got talked down to for letting our baby sleep with us. Well guess what my children are super secure and well adjusted and we have a great relationship♡ Also, married at 20 here...coming up on 11 years. BUT it wasn't all smooth sailing. We fought for our marriage about 3-4 years in. Forever grateful that we did.
This conversation reminds me of a sentence from the late great Kevin Samuels..."Men don't want a rent-a-womb, they want a mother for their children!" I've been a SAHM for 26 years and had never thought about it quite like that! However, my husband had said the same thing to me and was willing to sacrifice and work his hands to calluses to make it happen❤🙏🏾
I’m glad I found you! You speak my language!! So I was a nanny my whole life since I was 16 till 34 to a bunch of very wealthy people so I could see how they chose their careers over staying home and I’ve formed lots of attachments to kids that weren’t mine and as a young girl I wondered what kind of love I would have with my own child because I loved these kids like crazy! We’ll I love my son even more crazy!!! Lol I always felt so sad that these parents didn’t witness first steps or words or just all of those little milestones a baby goes through, I told myself I’m not having kids unless I can be there and I’m so grateful that my plan to stay at home is coming true so far. What I’m finding hard is sticking up for myself for the love I have for my kid and that I’m choosing to homeschool. I feel like society sees me as one of those hover moms or whatever they call them but I think our bond is totally fine I don’t think that there is anything wrong with my 4 year old needing me all day long. Ultimately my life is his now and I’m going to do what’s best for him even though I get judged for it. He is already one of the most social kids on the playground that’s one of the biggest misconceptions about homeschooling and being close to your baby. But now I’m on a rant just wanted to say I’m so glad I found you and I’m going to read all of your books now! 😁
My children are homeschooled and very sociable. Usually they make the first move to introduce themselves and make new friends actually. It's hard not to feel judged and question yourself and I'm only just getting over that but I'm the same. Homeschooling is wonderful and if done right is the total opposite of helicopter parents. 😊
We have 4 kids, homeschooled the youngest 2. Wish so much we had done it with all 4. It is awesome. The quality and depth of relationship you develop with them is worth all of it.
You made the best decision! I stayed home with all 4 of my children who are now grown and I wouldn’t go back and change a thing.
Don't worry. You're only actually a "hover mom" if you treat your 9~10 yr old the way you treat him as a 4-yr old.
And if you attempt the treatment appropriate for a 4-yr old when your child is a teenager, you can be in for some very rough times.
You're not there, so don't worry. Plan for a "soft launch" of teaching self-responsibility with respect for his dignity and sensibility.
There may not be much wrong with your 4 year old needing you “all day long”-for NOW; but it’s about time to start transitioning away from that, gently and gradually. He doesn’t need to still be a “mama’s boy” by 6 or 10 or 18!
I stayed home with my first child until he was 3 1/2 yo and I had planned to put my second child to daycare after 4 months of being born then covid happened and I stayed home for him and I am glad I did. I will never leave my children to daycAre after searching for the best childcare. Not even a private one could replace a mother.
Im so glad that you are covering this. Parents simply do not understand. I’m a K teacher and the kiddos coming through my classes now. Our babies need us. That’s why it’s so painful to separate from them.
I've been told so many times "I could never do it", meaning they could never be with their own children 100% of the time. Unbelievable.
I can't tell you the amount of frowns and looks of concerns i got when i told people i would not put my kids in daycare. And that i was going to be a stay at home parent. Almost made me feel like i was the alien or incompetent. Firstly my husband and i made that decision because of how expensive daycare would be for us at that point in time. My kids are a bit older now and they turned out just fine. But the way many people view parents who choose to stay home to raise their children is so not right.
Also im happy i did get a chance to stay home and watch them grow in those early years of their lives.
I always planned on being a "career woman".....until I got pregnant with my first baby. I feel more fulfilled at home with my children than I ever thought possible. This is my purpose (at least for right now).
In the 1970s, I was put in home-based daycare at 20 weeks until I was 5 years old, and I suspect it has made it difficult to create a securely attached relationship in my adult life. I'm 54 now, and I've failed to start a family of my own. The opportunities for that to occur never seemed to materialize. My pattern was always one in which I was attracted to unavailable partners. It was a reality of my daycare situation that was ingrained in me, waiting for my mother to return at the end of the day: I learned to be attached without enjoying the attachment of the other person. I'm not sure what my attachment style is, but I experience equal amounts of anxiety and avoidance when I'm interested in someone. But you know the punch line, they're not interested. It's important for mothers to understand that the attachment experience they give their child is the attachment strategy that child will pursue as an adult.
Thank you so much for tackling such an important topic! I am a mother of 2, a baby and a toddler and I have researched, but never EVER have I come across anyone who expresses the same opinions as you Suzanne. I live in Sweden so luckily the culture here is entirely different than the US. You cannot put your child in daycare until they are 1 year, but many parents here actually wait until their children are 2-3. They then make the necessary sacrifices for that short period and they are happy to do so. I enrolled my son when he was 1 year, and that is later than most I guess, but even then. He wasn't ready to separate and I wasn't ready, so the first couple of months were rough. But everyone encouraged me and reassured me, but it never sat quite right with me. I am just happy to find out there was nothing wrong with me or the way I reacted.
Get him back and stay at home from now on, you can repair the damage done to your attachment bond.
In a way, I think Swedish people have it much worse. In America there are still multiple cultures and ways of thinking. The norm of males being the breadwinnner still exists and our taxes aren't as high as Sweden, so families can keep more of their money to live how they want. It seems to me that Sweden really screwed the family by forcing every female to work-- including mothers. What, on earth is the point? The government just wants lots of tax money to support its programs such as giving people years off. It makes no sense. And the men staying home to be moms there is just plain weird. My friend did that. Who wants a man who's a mom?
@@KathleenJ ❤️
Sweden is doing many things well! It sounds like parents there even have the option of staying home-each parent in turn for a while-for as long as a total of two or three years, without the family suffering dire financial need. That’s a win-win all around, for families and for society!
I put my life and career on hold so that I could bond with my babies and children better. It is 100% worth it ❤ to not put them in daycare and sacrifice yourself for their longterm happiness and mental health
People treat moms like crap. I did a few things for extra money. I took care of my own kids and my own elders. I still get dismissed and treated poorly.
Yep...very true and very sad....also why our planet is turning to shit❤
This is the 2nd podcast I’ve come across addressing this issue and I can’t tell you how grateful I am. I have felt so guilty about not being able to get my daughter into daycare due to the cost. I thought she needed the socialization and more attention than I can give her while working from home. I’m so glad to know she’s better off home with me, even if she has to spend time playing alone in her room while I’m working.
I work in a Day Care Institution. Its like a prison for children with a lot of adults that dont even like children. I would never ever rekommend this kind of big institutions for any parent in the world. Its like a animal farm full of stress and loudness. I feel so sorry for the children. Its like China.
It would have about killed me to leave any child of mine at daycare. But poverty and financial instability and nearly losing our house to the bank when husband lost his job, and I didn’t have a developed career to step back into after years of stay at home mom life hasn’t been fun either. Life can be pretty rough either way.
Yes, life will be rough either way. The question is if you want it to be rough with dysfunctional children, or do you want it to be rough with well-adjusted children? I work with the dysfunction ones, and believe me that's much tougher.
Thank you for telling the truth! What I find interesting and kind of ironic is that in family law we learn all about attachment theory. Why? Because we can't have an infant being taken away from his or her mother for long period of time, even if it's to spend time with Dad. Yet, I could never get over the cognitive dissonance when it came to attachment theory and daycare. Like Dad can't take the infant away from mom all day because, you know, attachment, but it's totally not a problem if mom leaves the infant with strangers the whole day because, you know, feminism, working, early childhood education etc... ??? Never made sense to me! Luckily I was able to stay home with my son the first 3 years and then he went to preschool a couple of days per week for a few hours and he enjoyed that.
Wow that's so interesting. My son does really well with his dad, he spent 12 weeks paternity leave and they bonded very closely. So it's okay to leave the child with daycare workers but not dad? Sounds bizarre to me and thank you for sharing. Like you said, cognitive dissonance.
I fully thought I was going to put my kids in daycare and then I had my first and I was like no way I can’t even fathom the idea of leaving this tiny little person alone with strangers. We are very fortunate that me or my husband is with our kids at all times. They have never been in daycare and I never want to be away from them since they were born. I know everyone is different but I love being with them and I don’t want to have date nights or take trips without my little ones. My world revolves around them. I would have quit my job if I had to to not put them in daycare. Ppl and family try to guilt me and want to take my kids for the weekend or say we need parent time and I’m like no I don’t need time away from them I WANT to be with them!
I worked in a daycare center. They sent me around to different rooms, as an assistant, and I was told not to hold a newborn baby. She was laying on a blanket crying, so my first instinct was to pick her up..and the lead teacher said “You’ve got to stop that. Quit holding those babies..they’ll get used to it.” That was the day I was officially done with daycare centers! I stay home with my own child, but I do realize that some mothers have to make an income. In that case I support the idea of a home based daycare or a nanny, if it allows the kids to get more attention..but absolutely not a childcare center with high ratios of children to adults!
For thousands of years women stayed home with their children and even homeschooled them. Everyone spent time with their families and worked together. Now everyone thinks it’s horrible to be home and you have to run around to every activity…sadly it doesn’t bring joy:(
*eh* "Stayed home" sounds like the women didn't work. Everyone on the household (infants, really toddlers and really really sickly elderly) worked their butts off. I'm the house, sure, but also in the garden, or wherever needed. (Of course, that "everybody" also implies that there's a whole group of adults working/hanging out together with a whole gaggle of babes underfoot who keep each other entertained. The older toddlers and kids, obviously, worked, too.) The situation today is just so radically different thanks to capitalism (for better or worse), is hard to pull off this sort of communal life. 😕
This also means something else: mom will be the baby's primary care taker, but at no point will she be the only one. Typically grandmas and everyone not able to work would play "nanny", and there will always be other relatives/friends around. Mediteranean families still behave like this. The whole "can't eat/wash/work/go to the toilet, because I've gotta watch after baby" situation just didn't arise. Ever.
You seem to be forgetting that women spent dozens more hours per week working to keep the home and also many times working outside it. Families also often lived in multigenerational households communities with alloparenting instead of relying on one person. You also seem to forget that child labor was prevalent, meaningful education was for the select few, and half of children were barely even making it to 5 years old. Children born today, yes even the ones who go to daycare, are much better off than they were even 100 years ago. I love how people view the past with rose-colored glasses and ignore all of the previous societal ills for the sake of make bad arguments.
@@melinated2497 I think when people invoke "the past" or talk about how "it's always been done", they usually mean the US 1950s ... which were unique, in all of humane history, but OK. 😅👍
@@simonspethmann8086 The person we replied to started their post with "for thousands of years." Folks just say things and speak in generalizations without knowing what they are talking about.
@@melinated2497 Yes, and yes, and .... I still stick to what I just said, because this type of person will say things like "since time immemorial" and still mean "1950". 😅 Keep hearing that in all areas: "pink was always for girls, blue for boys", "our ancestors always ate plenty of meat" (I mean, not defendants Inuit or nobility saying that), "babies used to sleep in their own room", "women always worked right after giving birth"...
I have never had any desire to put my kids in day care, why would I want strangers to raise my kids?
I still remember the awful experience at daycare. I was three. I'm fifty years older now.
This gives me a lot of peace because I never felt right about leaving my children in daycare although my son did half days in nursery when he turned 3. He didnt seem to learn much and towards the end of the year didnt want to go. My daughter never went and now they are both homeschooled. I constantly get told what confident, chatty and lovely children I have. They will try anything and always try to make friends when we visit anywhere. Go with your instincts. If you think your child will be best at home, they probably will be.
My son is 2 months old tomorrow. I'm on leave from my remote job as an engineer until he's 4.5 months old. At that point my parents will be coming to the house to watch my son. I'm fortunate in that my job is flexible and meeting hours don't start until 10am. My husband and I would love it if I could quit but when we relocated to be closer to my family our cost of living went up and my income accounts for half our income. I know I'm blessed in so many ways just don't know how I'll be able to focus on work knowing my son is upstairs.
Grandparents have historically been the first line of daycare. It seems like you have a good set up going for you. What you may end up doing is scheduling 20 minute breaks throughout your day to check in with your son and have a moment of quality bonding. 20 minutes would be a good rule of thumb as far as time goes and children’s attention span. The book, the power of showing up, might be a good read for you.
My mother did it right…my parents didn’t have kids until Dad finished his Ph.D. (not easy in the forties and early fifties), then was home with us until the youngest was well into school. She finished her degrees, eventually completing her doctorate, and had a rather stellar career but again, not until we youngest were well into school. Her mother taught school, but Mom was very close to her grandmother, who did a good deal of caretaking (trusted family member).
I have great-nieces who are lovely young mothers, but believe that “it’s important for their daughters (babies and toddlers!) to see them be something more than a mother. My eyes cannot roll up further in my head.
A day care worker in Australia has been convicted of sexually abusing 91 girls one was raped up to 28 times.
I call ADD Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. In my experience, it's a child not getting enough attention from the parents that lead to the child behaving the way they do.
Thank you for this. I keep telling people that is important. I didn't go to day care we were home with grandma and the cousins and the retired aunts. We played and bonded and read books and learned folk songs. My kids will have that because my moms and aunts are supportive. Even the babies born overseas come home for ever summer to bond with home and family. We are everywhere but we know we are connected and supported and there is family to catch you. Very liberating.
Extended family can be very helpful!
I can speak to you both as a child who was put in daycare and as a parent who chose not to ever use daycare for the exact reasons you cite.
My memory goes back to three days of age. I remember being put in daycare at a few months old and I did not like it. As soon as I could walk I would leave. At a very young age I was walking miles home through the woods. I learned not to take the roads as strangers would try to interfere. I had and still have a very good sense of direction and memory for paths. Locking me up just taught me how to break out. Fences get climbed. The only thing that stopped me was an elderly woman who taught me piano. Then I had reason to stay.
My wife and I designed our life so that we were home with our kids. Our babies were carried by one or the other of us at all times or sleeping near us. It worked wonderfully.
We homeschooled and our kids were at college level by 14 each. Not pushed, rather that was how fast they went at their pace. Learning is fun. They also did farm chores, martial arts, swimming, play, parties, dancing and as school projects we built our own home and our own USDA butchershop. “What did you do over the summer?”
Wonderful info. I see the effects of babysitters/daycare raising kids everyday where I live in an affluent area. Stay at home moms are rare and many times belittled by other women and it breaks my heart. The more I age the more obvious it becomes that early childhood development should be a part of everyone’s education, a semester of high school maybe. It’s crucial information to better understand ourselves regardless of being a future parent.
I convinced my boss to let me go part-time from home! When my second was on the way I quit! No amount of money was worth strangers raising my kids and I definitely wasn't making enough money for it to make sense, once I had 2 kids we wouldn't have been losing money! I now homeschool both kids (which I never would have thought I would be doing), I love being with my kids and no one dies thinking "I wish I had spent less time with my kids."
Many are misinformed about retirement too. It was never designed for people to live off when they age.
I had my oldest in daycare for about 19 months before my second son was born and I started staying home. Hearing all this makes me sick to my stomach. My job was flexible, so my son had shorter days than most, would skip days often, etc., but I’m learning that wasn’t the consolation I thought it was at the time 😣 I went on to have two more children, a total of 4 kids ages 4 and under. It is HARD work, but truly, there is nothing else I’d rather do. What a gift; I just wish I would have known all this years ago. Thanks for doing the hard work to get the word out!
I was just trying to explain that society is so messed up because we have to be away from our kids. I love that I found this podcast. I’m blessed I could stay home with my kids
I worked because I was a single mother and I had to.
I never thought I would have children because I didn’t think I would be a good mother
Remember thinking often “please don’t let me screw them up”
Had no confidence in my parenting skills at all.
Probably paid closer attention because I was so concerned.
Both my children are now adults and doing well-especially my son with autism.
I wouldn’t recommend day care to anyone.
I wouldn’t recommend public schools either.
I think we have a generation who has less knowledge of parenting than I did.
The states need to fund a decent maternity leave like Canada. Up to 18 months. 6 weeks is horrible!!! That is just WRONG 😑
Financially, I (the mom) have to work, but my husband is a stay at home dad, and i work from home primarily, so it has been great to bond with my child. Wish i could be the stay at home parent, but my career was more financially secure when we made the decision, along with other personal reasons. My mind is so much more at piece, knowing that even on days that I have to go into the office that my child is with family, not a stranger.
I enjoyed your insight. As an ECE educator at a preschool (traditional/morning only), I wish more people in the world understood the importance of attachment & especially sleep schedules. Gratefully, most parents I interact with seem to understand these concepts.
Unfortunately, you lost me at ADHD. I have ADHD and had a very calm, nurturing childhood. My mom was a wonderful SAHM. Saying it is caused by stress puts undo pressure on parents that it is their fault if their children have ADHD.
Yes!! Also have adhd and a educator turned SAHM.. our house is calm as well. It’s genetic and it’s incredibly disheartening to hear misinformation being spread.
There is probably also a factor of just the huge amounts of toxins in our environment and other things parents cant actually control
0 4&'&*''&%090
0 4&'&*''&%090
I stayed home with my 3 kids for 10 years and was not able to work cuz my husband worked odd hours/weeks/ months in oil rigs. Now I am 62 and dont get pension but my ex, my kids father are rich beause I allowed his career. Here in Norway people only get pension based on life long income. I choose, had no choise but take care of our children. And like all women in Norway, staying home to raise children we are poor, looked down on for not let our children grow up in institutions and with strangers looking after our kids. My ex even made sure I could not buy a home by denying childcare after I divorced him. He have 2 homes, moved far away, remarried and got new kids. Norwegian gvment do nothing to aid the stay at home moms. Other than ensuring we stay poor since we declined gvment rule to work to get a pension. Work makes free, but ruin our children
So grateful I had a good role model of a mother who was homemaker and stayed home with us when we were young. ❤🙏
I don't think I have ever left a comment before but I listened to this and felt compelled to do so. Thank you for speaking up about what is true and right for our children AND for us as mothers. Better attached, more secure children should turn into more reasonable and happy adults so this really benefits society as a whole. I currently am the only woman I know irl who stays home. My third child is 15 months old (in other words, she is a baby) and I am constantly asked when I am returning to work, as though this is a play form of life, not a real one. I absolutely will not send her to nursery and the financial / career impact is large. I gave up a role as a Director in a massive company to stay home. I do not have a rich husband or lavish lifestyle and some months we really struggle. However, is there anything more important than our children? Even if we are thinking about our own personal fulfilment (which is not really the point) what is it that is written on our tombstones at the end of it all? Loving wife/mother etc. NOT "brilliant career woman". Anyway, all that's to say, thank you for saying it and please do keep encouraging women.
People inherently know something is not right with daycare because when other alternatives are presented such as a nanny or even stay at home, the other mothers who put their children in daycare feels the need to sorta shame or make you feel uncomfortable for those choices
You aired this podcast 7 months ago, every you said was spot on.
Sept 2023, 1 year old died in day care after ingesting illegal fentanyl. Absolute tragedy, will those parents ever come to terms with this?
I'm 28 years old and I vividly remember me clutching on to the door frame and screaming when my mom dropped me off at the first day of head start when I was a child 😂
Yeah, all the kids start this way until they give up and start clutching to the day care worker when mom comes to pick them up
So sad. I hope you can heal from that. It's nothing to laugh about. You poor kid.
I remember looking at the kids, as a kid myself, that did that and wondered what the h was wrong with them.
Haha I was that kid too. I was the kid that waved good bye to mom on the first day and happily skipped inside the daycare 😅 but I still wouldn’t and didn’t send my own children to daycare. My kids are similar to me, very independent and don’t cry easily and generally social. But i still wouldn’t put them in daycare and now I’m homeschooling 😅
@@Vid7872Ouch!
Couples should plan their finances around one income. It can be done. There is so much we can live without. Our children can learn to be on the same team as the parents, helping with household duties. It can be done!
Where there's a will, there's a way!
Oh, and add homeschool to the mix. It can be done!
I feel SO passionate about this truth!!! I always wanted to stay home & care for my babies when they were young. Even though it was SO hard for me, I am so grateful I was able to do so! Working with adults in a professional work environment is MUCH easier for me personally but I just knew in my heart that I wanted to be the one to care for my little kids. I always felt bad when the kids started full time school - knowing “academically” my kids didn’t have that “full time day care” experience, but emotionally I KNOW my kids are so positively attached to me, that they will be sweet little humans as they continue this life. ❤ i used to wish my youngest could be in preschool longer, but now I feel grateful that he wasn’t in all day preschool. I just can’t get enough of listening to this topic & hearing other people’s experiences. There is clearly an agenda at work against us here….not having to use daycare & breastfeeding were my 2 biggest goals as a mother, & thankfully I got to achieve both 😇❤️ now I need to figure out how to parent my kids as they continue growing up. Babies were my favorite stage for sure.
This so needs to be heard. Oh, if only the young moms could see the things I have seen through the years, when I was with my little one at the park, and she fell and skinned her knee and came to me, crying, and I held her and caressed her and comforted her, while a little boy nearby with a group of 20 from a daycare center in the park also fell and skinned his knee, went crying to the daycare person, who shuffled him off away from her, harried as she was. And he walked away, moaning “mommy, mommy…” and crying. And I knew that afternoon when the mom came to pick him up, he would be washed and clean and smiling, and she would never know what had happened. Likewise in the library, with my little one, while a group of 20 (!) little ones from a daycare was playing at the toy table, and got into an argument, which was not taken care of by the day care person. And we wonder why kids and young adults and adults act the way they do. These things are never seen by the parents. The daycare workers are most often harried and at their wits end. Parents need to know. I so admire the young moms I see, living more simply, and doing without the flashy gadgets, so that they can be with their little ones. It is so very important. But it takes courage to stand against this idea which is pushed by society. Stand firm, parents. Do what your heart is telling you.