Table News: Who needs Two Ears Anyway?

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  • Опубликовано: 14 окт 2024

Комментарии • 321

  • @michaelanderson6394
    @michaelanderson6394 2 месяца назад +1293

    “Is stepping down one of the things that you can do?”
    Turns out that, yes, yes it is, California.

    • @notjustafangirl7313
      @notjustafangirl7313 2 месяца назад +165

      I love the fact that that was the last line, today of all days. It fits as a reference to the calls for him to drop out, but now that it's actually happened, we can take it as a joke about it actually happening.

    • @Mythis1
      @Mythis1 2 месяца назад +40

      Well, step down from running again at least. Still in the position for the rest of the term.

    • @Mr-tophats
      @Mr-tophats 2 месяца назад +16

      Best birthday gift ever

    • @Ben_Brainard
      @Ben_Brainard  2 месяца назад +538

      I should try to predict more things in these sketches

    • @gyrozeppeli4862
      @gyrozeppeli4862 2 месяца назад +93

      @@Ben_Brainard predict Harris winning I'm begging you lmao

  • @carlosrod100
    @carlosrod100 2 месяца назад +607

    "Do you know how cool absolute immunity is?"
    Yes, I just don't want my government officials having it.

    • @alricaneshama
      @alricaneshama 2 месяца назад +5

      Agreed.

    • @chrisnameless8325
      @chrisnameless8325 2 месяца назад +2

      The Supreme Court rule was not absolute immunity but limited.

    • @MamaMOB
      @MamaMOB 2 месяца назад

      And they don't. Why don't you actually go read what the Supreme Court actually said as opposed to just listening to CNN and MSNBC?

    • @atlander4204
      @atlander4204 2 месяца назад +9

      @@chrisnameless8325 Limited, yes, but the limits aren’t defined, and the examples they provided are distressingly broad.

    • @Thenarratorofsecrets
      @Thenarratorofsecrets 2 месяца назад +3


      Also things like does immunity extend to conversations about previous acts, while in the white house, speaking to cabinet members.
      People pretending this is a nothing burger ate just hoping their guy gets off Scott free

  • @Ussonan-Foderation2016
    @Ussonan-Foderation2016 2 месяца назад +411

    "I Vincent van Know a guy"💀💀💀💀

    • @mr.h1262
      @mr.h1262 2 месяца назад +3

      That was my favorite one 😂

    • @CortexNewsService
      @CortexNewsService 2 месяца назад +5

      Who knew Texas had it in him?

    • @MonkeyJedi99
      @MonkeyJedi99 2 месяца назад +7

      @@CortexNewsService Usually, Texas' contributions are more "1 out of 5 stars".

  • @SpiritOfGotham
    @SpiritOfGotham 2 месяца назад +234

    Dang, so much happened lately that you couldn't squeeze Crowdstrike in

    • @ashleyhutcheson8292
      @ashleyhutcheson8292 2 месяца назад +18

      Or the RNC convention, or Vance, or Harris

    • @icarusbinns3156
      @icarusbinns3156 2 месяца назад +10

      >>unintelligible screaming

    • @artchic528
      @artchic528 2 месяца назад +16

      The last time we squeezed a Crowdstrike update in it all went to hell. Let’s not try that again.

    • @koalactrl
      @koalactrl 2 месяца назад

      ​@@artchic528hahahaha

  • @lawsonlebrun9375
    @lawsonlebrun9375 2 месяца назад +248

    “It’s not a war crime if it’s the first time” -some Canadian dude, probably

    • @tameniai
      @tameniai 2 месяца назад

      lol Fat Electrican.

    • @SugarandSarcasm
      @SugarandSarcasm 2 месяца назад +1

      👀👀

    • @samanthaturner7739
      @samanthaturner7739 2 месяца назад +8

      “Words, words, words, also some American dude, words”

    • @Ninjastahr
      @Ninjastahr 2 месяца назад +1

      An Iowan describing Canadians, definitely

    • @sakurakiyori
      @sakurakiyori 2 месяца назад +3

      They thought shotguns were inhumane, so we showed them what inhumane was.
      Also, you wanna use chemical weapons, you're gonna have to take your chances as they come.

  • @cholten99
    @cholten99 2 месяца назад +276

    "3/5s" had me laughing so loudly I probably disturbed the neighbours - and I'm not even American. The "Biden is still around" joke aged like milk though!

    • @hopelessromantic3786
      @hopelessromantic3786 2 месяца назад +12

      It aged perfectly.

    • @eldorados_lost_searcher
      @eldorados_lost_searcher 2 месяца назад +2

      I showed the video to someone and had to explain that one.

    • @CarbonatedCondensation
      @CarbonatedCondensation 2 месяца назад +1

      Yeah, the 3/5ths jokes always get me 😂

    • @jypsridic
      @jypsridic 2 месяца назад

      @@CarbonatedCondensation Just don't forget that the 3/5ths rule was a democrat policy.

    • @slitor
      @slitor 2 месяца назад +11

      @@jypsridic Wut? I mean I could go on about the differences of the parties 160 years ago but....the three-fifth-compromise (which should have been 0-5th) was amended into the constitution WAAAAAY before the democratic party even excisted. It was United States Policy until after it was reappealed post-civil war.

  • @Bawookie97
    @Bawookie97 2 месяца назад +95

    “I think the best part of all of this is it happened right before Halloween”
    Sir it is *JULY*

    • @sharonsmith583
      @sharonsmith583 2 месяца назад +10

      Halloween merch already in the stores.

    • @aspynryde7305
      @aspynryde7305 2 месяца назад +12

      halloween starts in september or even august if you're brave enough

    • @Bawookie97
      @Bawookie97 2 месяца назад +1

      Both fair points - I concede 😉

    • @Roberta-q1q
      @Roberta-q1q 2 месяца назад +2

      Ministry sez Every Day Is Halloween.
      Oomp bop bop bop oomp bop bop...

    • @TempestFNG
      @TempestFNG 2 месяца назад

      ​@@aspynryde7305Halloween starts in January if you love Halloween enough

  • @Daluna13
    @Daluna13 2 месяца назад +264

    Ben I feel sorry for you and B. Prince, the news is getting made faster then you can write it

    • @fallenhades3891
      @fallenhades3891 2 месяца назад +7

      That's an understatement, I mean Cheatel was subpoenaed today, and in the process was told to resign and go back to guarding Doritos (meant to be cheetohs)

    • @RutabegaNG
      @RutabegaNG 2 месяца назад +16

      Seriously! I don't know how they can keep up.
      I've learned more about what's going on in my world from those two than the news.

    • @MonkeyJedi99
      @MonkeyJedi99 2 месяца назад +8

      Yesterday I swore I saw Beau of the Fifth Column sigh in exasperation.

    • @TrueJamo
      @TrueJamo 2 месяца назад +1

      Than*

    • @koalactrl
      @koalactrl 2 месяца назад

      Dude! The Power Trio of funny reporting of the news!
      B. Mo Prince,
      Habitual LineCrosser (aka HLC)
      And
      Ben Brainard
      I ❤ you 3's ability to tell the news in a fun way, even if it is sometimes slow to get out (ahem, filming and editing).

  • @Jarakin
    @Jarakin 2 месяца назад +107

    Oh sweetie… you’re definitely already on the lists.

  • @radialdono1519
    @radialdono1519 2 месяца назад +39

    “That’s still around”
    “Biden or COVID”
    “Yes”
    I laughed way to much at that

  • @pleasantsasquatch9759
    @pleasantsasquatch9759 2 месяца назад +521

    As a Canadian, I appreciate the joke about our big red embarrassment

    • @klausjack8731
      @klausjack8731 2 месяца назад +3

      What was this referencing?

    • @amx-56france96
      @amx-56france96 2 месяца назад +6

      Was it about ... the checklist ?

    • @bainr6856
      @bainr6856 2 месяца назад +52

      ​@@klausjack8731when he was at private school in the 2000s, Trudeau attended the school's annual dinner in a costume complete with blackface. He also wore it (and an afro wig) during a talent show to perform "Day-O."

    • @klausjack8731
      @klausjack8731 2 месяца назад +10

      @@bainr6856 ahh, I knew about the blackface, but the joke did confuse me a bit, thanks for clearing up.

    • @jasperminer
      @jasperminer 2 месяца назад +12

      The Geneva checklist?

  • @deverashb.4875
    @deverashb.4875 2 месяца назад +98

    Apparently, stepping down from the election is indeed one of the things he can do

  • @lynne7460
    @lynne7460 2 месяца назад +39

    And we ALREADY need a new episode,,, Ben couldn’t even finish filming this😢

  • @spacecadet397
    @spacecadet397 2 месяца назад +79

    "We love you Ben!" We all shout in unison

  • @flockofone9214
    @flockofone9214 2 месяца назад +27

    “That’s still around? Biden or Covid?” 😂Laughed out loud.

  • @nonamegiven202
    @nonamegiven202 2 месяца назад +41

    last joke ages so well so quick.

  • @Gooberpotomous
    @Gooberpotomous 2 месяца назад +13

    Considering how much has been happening, I'm surprised you got so much in this episode!

  • @tincat2347
    @tincat2347 2 месяца назад +2

    0:37 ‘I Vincent van know a guy’ is by far, *by far*, the hardest I’ve laughed at any joke

  • @streetlamploser
    @streetlamploser 2 месяца назад +6

    Dyskorde:
    Can we all take a second to acknowledge how pretty Ben's hair is? Especially on Gov. It's stunning.

    • @Roberta-q1q
      @Roberta-q1q 2 месяца назад +2

      Several seconds.
      Thirds,even.

  • @JackPinesBlacksmithing
    @JackPinesBlacksmithing 2 месяца назад +2

    I love your use of a bathrobe for judge robes! 🤣😂🤣

  • @curiousKuro16
    @curiousKuro16 2 месяца назад +15

    Love it when Gov proves he too has some chaos in him

  • @soffren
    @soffren 2 месяца назад +29

    This episode will be WILD we already know

  • @darklordofsword
    @darklordofsword 2 месяца назад +30

    I agree with all of this EXCEPT the "right before halloween" part.
    Its GOD DAMN JULY!

    • @fairycat23
      @fairycat23 2 месяца назад +14

      Enough time for Spirit Halloween to make an "attempted assassination survivor" costume, then!

    • @ashleyhutcheson8292
      @ashleyhutcheson8292 2 месяца назад +3

      Feels like this month has been a year

    • @susane5480
      @susane5480 2 месяца назад

      Saw a Santa at one of the gas stations the other day for a Christmas in July sale.

    • @sharonsmith583
      @sharonsmith583 2 месяца назад +1

      Halloween merch already in the stores.

    • @icepyrox
      @icepyrox 2 месяца назад +3

      Yeah but stores already have Halloween decorations out around here except the ones still finishing off back to school sales...

  • @Callordin
    @Callordin 2 месяца назад +5

    I am impressed with Ben's ability to act out all these jokes without crying hysterically.

  • @RRW359
    @RRW359 2 месяца назад +12

    You know how bad things are when the court rules that literally existing can be a crime but the next ruling was so much worse it made everyone forget about that.

    • @jypsridic
      @jypsridic 2 месяца назад

      you not liking it doesn't make them bad rulings.

    • @RRW359
      @RRW359 2 месяца назад +7

      @@jypsridic Same in reverse. Having to stay at your job because you will get evicted then arrested sounds a lot like indentured servitude, and not being able to buy a gun because you will get evicted then arrested sounds a lot like Americans only have a right to them when we own property. Both sides should be angry about this.

    • @sariarosegold
      @sariarosegold 2 месяца назад

      ok i missed this one, what are we talking about here

    • @RRW359
      @RRW359 2 месяца назад +1

      @@sariarosegold Juristictions can make it illegal to be homeless.

    • @Roberta-q1q
      @Roberta-q1q 2 месяца назад

      ​@@RRW359 I'm clueless about the eviction for gun ownership angle.

  • @zUJ7EjVD
    @zUJ7EjVD 2 месяца назад +128

    A man who doesn't listen doesn't need one ear, let alone two.

  • @iSmartMan1
    @iSmartMan1 2 месяца назад +8

    I was kinda hoping you would get Dan Povenmire to reprise his role as Supreme Court

  • @fancypants9914
    @fancypants9914 2 месяца назад +6

    Here's a fun fact to play with Texas: I don't know when it will open, but the world's largest Bucc-ees is being built in Ocala, Florida

  • @paratrooperchad
    @paratrooperchad 2 месяца назад +13

    UCMJ only applies to prior service if you are retired lol.

    • @Ben_Brainard
      @Ben_Brainard  2 месяца назад +19

      Thank GOD I didn’t do 20

  • @gnaskar
    @gnaskar 2 месяца назад +70

    The removal of the Chevon Doctrine means that every interpretation of a law needs to be decided in court or by congress writing less vague laws. It was done at the behest of "industry lobbyists" who basically wanted to be able to sue their way out of environmental regulation. In the short term, this will work.
    In the long run, the EPA will throw the ball back to congress to write explicit laws, which means every politician in the pockets of such industries will have to stain their voting records with juicy details that make it really easy to make attack ads against them, and the Republican party will wish they didn't make their pet judges overturn the doctrine. This is going to cost them seats until they either find a new sugar daddy or restore the doctrine so they can go back to being vague and then selectively enforcing the laws.

    • @MonkeyJedi99
      @MonkeyJedi99 2 месяца назад

      Because who wants to have a group of experts make a decision when we can have bought-and-paid-for politicians, clueless old judges, and partisan lawyers decide how clean our air and water get to be, how safe our food might be, what toxins can be allowed in your child's toys and clothing, how flammable a new school building is...

    • @llmkursk8254
      @llmkursk8254 2 месяца назад +6

      So, in the long term, this is still good. Sort of.

    • @AS-R-bx3zi
      @AS-R-bx3zi 2 месяца назад +8

      It also weakens the ATF authority to enforce rule as laws.

    • @Beanzoboy
      @Beanzoboy 2 месяца назад

      Oh, yes, because it's always a benefit to have the people without knowledge of a subject make all the rules regarding said subject. We're aware that this was a way to give corporations the ability to cut costs by ignoring health and safety regulations. It's still going to be a problem when the people that don't know the WHAT and the WHY are deciding the HOW, especially when it means HUNDREDS of more decisions, and they're not even at work for half the damn year as it is. This is why teachers always let kids decide how they're going to learn in school.

    • @zyeborm
      @zyeborm 2 месяца назад

      You presume that the people that vote for them care about anything other than their football team winning. They will see their rivers die and say "take that libs"

  • @artchic528
    @artchic528 2 месяца назад +2

    Glad to see you still putting out The Table videos. It’s the only way I get my news.

  • @TheSuzberry
    @TheSuzberry 2 месяца назад +19

    Quiet part meant to be private.

  • @KeithCooper-Albuquerque
    @KeithCooper-Albuquerque 2 месяца назад +2

    Ben, you are a genius!

  • @Pedantic2025
    @Pedantic2025 2 месяца назад +4

    I take it there’s nothing in the ucmj about making jokes about the assassination lol 😂

  • @TravisDey97
    @TravisDey97 2 месяца назад +3

    I just gotta say the Supreme Court looks like disheveled John Wick, and honestly that makes sense

  • @SarcasticasKel
    @SarcasticasKel 2 месяца назад +5

    Sticker Mule the one business who screwed itself with one cringy email😂 There’s another sticker company I saw giving a free mule sticker with purchase which is a pretty brilliant marketing move.

  • @medic-gg7jo
    @medic-gg7jo 2 месяца назад +1

    I was having a bad day today. Then your vid came up on my notifications. Thanks for making me smile Ben!

  • @serialchillereddy
    @serialchillereddy 2 месяца назад +2

    Don't worry, your off our list as long as you keep doing Table News!!

  • @DawnBurn
    @DawnBurn 2 месяца назад +6

    The hella reference for the Californians.

  • @_nbsp
    @_nbsp 2 месяца назад +1

    Didn't know Ben served in the army, hats off to you.

  • @TheMoonbeats
    @TheMoonbeats 2 месяца назад +5

    that last joke was writtewn last week, clearly.

  • @Gdisele
    @Gdisele 2 месяца назад +1

    Didn't even touch the now legal bribery.

  • @gamepopper101
    @gamepopper101 2 месяца назад +2

    You brought up Sticker Mule! XD

  • @tavernburner3066
    @tavernburner3066 2 месяца назад

    The problem is that it gave departments who are deemed "experts" like for example the ATF the de facto ability to change laws to mean whatever they want without any sort of check or balance.

  • @SimpleGunner
    @SimpleGunner 2 месяца назад +2

    that starting bit was on point. i cant wait for you to get the crowdstrike shit show in next go around.

  • @stvp68
    @stvp68 2 месяца назад

    Hair is getting fabulous!!

  • @dedifiedjelly
    @dedifiedjelly 2 месяца назад +15

    trump in his ear infection arc

  • @old_grey_cat
    @old_grey_cat 2 месяца назад

    So entertained me at 0.75 speed (I'm a bit slow with state accent and letter acronym recognition) that it finished just as I realised that I forgot to press "like" - you got an extra view at full spped so I could like and comment.
    Thanks to Tech and Cultural Imperialism for letting me have some smiles and practise learning.

  • @skylargreene279
    @skylargreene279 2 месяца назад +2

    schoolhouse rock for gen z and gen a honestly

  • @petecoogan
    @petecoogan 2 месяца назад

    Glad you're back

  • @justmutantjed
    @justmutantjed 2 месяца назад +1

    I've never heard of getting one's ears lowered being so newsworthy before.

  • @calamaribowl8683
    @calamaribowl8683 2 месяца назад +1

    Oh God this week was a nightmare

  • @carlyar5281
    @carlyar5281 2 месяца назад

    As a Canadian I ❤ the reference!

  • @reinretter9655
    @reinretter9655 2 месяца назад

    Just speeding up for the watering of the Tree of Liberty

  • @4olufade
    @4olufade 2 месяца назад

    "I have worse news for you anyway" 😂😂😂

  • @David-Daithi
    @David-Daithi 2 месяца назад

    Weeeeee. Here we go. Thanks for the video!!

  • @MegaGandalf12
    @MegaGandalf12 2 месяца назад +1

    It's back! Finally!

  • @ApocryphalDude
    @ApocryphalDude 2 месяца назад +2

    3/5ths jokes TY

  • @thomaswilloughby2951
    @thomaswilloughby2951 2 месяца назад +1

    I'm still waiting for the day that California takes off the cap and Orange County comes out, like a Wario version of Texas and Austin.

  • @edl5731
    @edl5731 2 месяца назад +1

    UCMJ doesn't apply to former military unless they are retirees collecting a pension. So you are safe.

  • @andromedaloveless1120
    @andromedaloveless1120 2 месяца назад

    I have been waiting for this to come out since the assassination attempt.

  • @nightthemight2985
    @nightthemight2985 2 месяца назад +1

    Its Back!

  • @angryferb1079
    @angryferb1079 2 месяца назад +2

    I'd love more Kansas, Ben!

    • @Meshuga.GeGeedah
      @Meshuga.GeGeedah 2 месяца назад +1

      Same! The fact the state just struck down 2 anti-abortion laws and reaffirmed its a right to abortion state - from the same state that argued in courts that evolution didn't exist not that long ago politically - we can't make up our mind how red/blue we are... :D

  • @Bluesonofman
    @Bluesonofman 2 месяца назад

    The system was never meant to have checks and balances.

  • @DeaconTaylor
    @DeaconTaylor 2 месяца назад

    i love how i always forget that this isnt a group of people talking to each other.

  • @drtaverner
    @drtaverner 2 месяца назад

    Yeah, we just might do something they'd have to make a rule about. 😂🇨🇦

  • @lexinemathew8918
    @lexinemathew8918 2 месяца назад

    This has to be on Netflix!

  • @maskedmallard537
    @maskedmallard537 2 месяца назад

    I'm a bit disappointed you didn't get Dan to be All of the Judges again. Other then that, top notch as usual. 😁

  • @kylen7351
    @kylen7351 2 месяца назад

    Jesus. Canada got New York, cali, and Texas to argee with no argument about moving on

  • @DeathnoteBB
    @DeathnoteBB 2 месяца назад

    0:19 Ohh that’s why this wasn’t out until now. That legalese can be confusing

  • @billibarone7763
    @billibarone7763 2 месяца назад

    "Skidmore butts?"

  • @lb34mwr
    @lb34mwr 2 месяца назад

    Wow you walked the line and did not cross it. The add after video killed it.

  • @gamingnerdgirlz
    @gamingnerdgirlz 2 месяца назад +2

    Biden not running for reelection and Harris is the new nomination. Ready for more videos ❤

  • @Evelyn_Endar
    @Evelyn_Endar 2 месяца назад

    “I forgot it was Trump and not Justin Trudeau.” MAN I FORGOT ABOUT THAT LMAO

  • @devonfury
    @devonfury 2 месяца назад

    that hair is looking good!

  • @GremlinFish
    @GremlinFish 2 месяца назад

    You didn’t know that it was Chevrolet. Me and my family just called them Chevys.

  • @celestwarrior
    @celestwarrior 2 месяца назад

    Chevron Defference is why we have toilets that can't flush a turd down.

  • @strickersniper7909
    @strickersniper7909 2 месяца назад

    So politicians are immune from criminal prosecution and the Supreme Court can do what the hell it wants

  • @OhioanVlogsOfficial
    @OhioanVlogsOfficial 2 месяца назад +23

    Trump really became 50 cent 💀

  • @JoAnnaQuincey
    @JoAnnaQuincey 2 месяца назад +1

    Meanwhile , I'm likely on 37 different lists from googling what the difference between c4 and semtex was😂😂😂

    • @AtholAnderson
      @AtholAnderson 2 месяца назад +1

      AH the serious putty

    • @Roberta-q1q
      @Roberta-q1q 2 месяца назад

      It could happen to any Leverage fan.

  • @costley51
    @costley51 2 месяца назад

    "Jesus was more of a eye guy"???? Dude, he reattached a guy's ear!

  • @oldtop4682
    @oldtop4682 2 месяца назад +1

    Geneva Suggestions.....

  • @jacquelines.2027
    @jacquelines.2027 2 месяца назад

    He used the black power fist pump,missed opportunity there

  • @Some_Random_Frenchie
    @Some_Random_Frenchie 2 месяца назад +2

    The is Biden still around joke, on point for how he dropped out of the race.

  • @BasicDrumming
    @BasicDrumming 2 месяца назад

    Great video.

  • @annaf7753
    @annaf7753 2 месяца назад +1

    OMG has it been a busy ... I don't even know. At this rate you'll need to put out a new video every 3 days!

  • @JABRIEL251
    @JABRIEL251 2 месяца назад +1

    As a Prior Service Member who has made several jokes about Trump getting a cut in his ear, nothing has happened to me so far.

  • @tompom9579
    @tompom9579 2 месяца назад

    Love the hat wall❤

  • @Hellion912
    @Hellion912 2 месяца назад +1

    Dan Povenmire was unavailable?

  • @sirsymbro
    @sirsymbro 2 месяца назад +1

    hella!

  • @xxbongobazookaxx7170
    @xxbongobazookaxx7170 2 месяца назад

    I get the feeling that last line was written before it even happened lol

  • @Heavenlyhounds96
    @Heavenlyhounds96 2 месяца назад +1

    Not sure how you feel about it, but I do like the longer hair on ya, Ben. Some of the states actually look better (and arguably more fitting), like Louis.
    Not to mention it gives the Supreme Court a Big Lebowski vibe coupled with the outfit.

  • @killblade6
    @killblade6 2 месяца назад

    I was waiting for this!

  • @freewave04
    @freewave04 2 месяца назад

    Hair is looking luscious

  • @Linwhiteheart
    @Linwhiteheart 2 месяца назад +2

    "Is stepping down something you can do?" Yes. "is Biden still around?" Not really.

  • @michelleberrio9320
    @michelleberrio9320 2 месяца назад

    I am so scared and excited for this

  • @MoogieTheCow
    @MoogieTheCow 2 месяца назад

    Been waiting for this one

  • @jacobyspurnger8488
    @jacobyspurnger8488 2 месяца назад +1

    Getting rid of chevron deference takes the protections and agency away from the environmental protection agency.

    • @Roberta-q1q
      @Roberta-q1q 2 месяца назад

      I hate that! You'd think rich a - holes have no posterity!

  • @ghomerhust
    @ghomerhust 2 месяца назад +1

    the comment i WANT to post will get me banned or on a few lists or both. but, i liked the video =) i especially liked the court justice "robe" is actually just a bathrobe. nice touch. cuz that's about how professional that group of [redacted redacted redacted's] is

  • @ray.c386
    @ray.c386 2 месяца назад

    I would have pegged texas as a chevy guy... the more you know