@@UNSCPILOT My dog is not too big of a fan of getting picked up but because we have always done it with her since she was a puppy, she trusts us enough to let us do it as she knows that it's our way of showing we love her. As she enjoys hugs as the only time, she licks you is when you have food.
Rule number one: do not provide your human(s) with access to any iteration of this guide. They may see it as either a challenge or a "to-do" list, after which they will seek to subvert all prior expectations, either as a "joke," or for the sake of "unpredictability".
I feel like the writer of this guide had a few too many interactions with enlisted servicemen if sone of their biggest concerns are about our sense of humor...
Rule 34. You do NOT under any circumstances want to know it. Absolutely do not ask a human about it lest you become a subject of it. Seriously, ignorance is bliss.
All extremely accurate and relevant information on human nature. Definitely something any alien species working alongside Terrans should be familiar with. I'd love to see more.
im thinking about a human listening to an alien's sad backstory and just at random: "here, have a rat" like, they just reach into their pocket, pull out a rat. "here, have a rat"
The laughter bit reminds me of something they would put in front of movies on the old Sci-Fi channel. "The following presentation has been classified 'Comedy'. Warning: you may experience involuntary vocal spasms."
5: OH BOY! if anyone tried to be mean to my cat, i'd gladly grab the nearest blunt object. failing that, repeated kicking. 7: yeah, i could see some extraterrestrial doing something otherwise benign to their own species to be an invitation for a public beatdown among humanity. 11: oh man, the amount of unintended psychological warfare committed with this. 12: REFRENCES! 15: chemical warfare aerosol compacted into a mobile delivery system with an convenient trigger mechanism.
Ah yes. Pull my finger is literally the oldest prank around. The words heralding the creation of the universe. Weren't "Let there be light' They were 'Pull my finger'.
@@firstoffproductions1462 Unless my youth has taken a higher toll on me then I know, admittedly quite possible, that would be telling some one to pull their own finger. I wouldn't put it past him to do that as an added prank, but that would risk the credit going to someone else, and they may not be up for it. Still, could be. I know a friend of mine was sure in the running... Dude could etch glass...
The only things missing from this list are: - Substances containing ethanol (a known fuel), commonly referred to as "booze", "liquor", or "jello shots". This is frequently found in the vicinity of human concentrations known as "parties". - Food items consumed with an unusually high capsaicin content, apparently for personal enjoyment, such as "hot wings", "curry", or "Korean BBQ". - A subset of humans with no common ancestry or background called "adrenaline junkies" who appear to take joy in activities even _other humans_ consider dangerous and/or life-threatening. Such activities include jumping from fully functioning craft at a great altitude with a piece of cloth; swimming with large aquatic creatures called "sharks", one of their planet's apex predators and a creature known to maim and kill a number of humans every solar cycle; and deliberately heading towards unpredictable storms known as "tornadoes", with great wind speeds, electrical discharges, falling ice and debris. It is best to stand back and allow these humans engage in their activities, but do not interfere until they become seriously injured and specifically request your assistance.
Yea, when a human engineer starts to giggle oddly, get near a lifepod. If you see a human engineer running, try to run faster. If you hear a human say 'Hold my beer', run. Then get a video recorder running. If you made it to a safe distance, you'll have something spectacular. If not, there's at least a chance the recording may survive and emergency services can see what happened.
"Do not attempt to touch a dog without asking" Without asking the terran keeper, not the dog. Asking the dog will most likely only result in more barking.
I need to know more about this "human home world". On the subject of "kicking a human's dog": I have a Dogo Argentino that is roughly 100 pounds. Kicking her would probably not be the wisest thing!! HAHAHAHAHA :D
I have a mixed pit/australian shepard/border collie, about 90lbs. Kicking him will result in a very nasty reprisal that due to his extreme intelligence you will not see coming. Case in point my sisters ex kicked him out of the way when he was about 2 months old, I got him a few weeks later. When he came back from his training to be my therapy dog/assistant my sister and her ex came over. He walked up lifted a leg and urinated on him as he was bent over in the fridge. When he turned he got his arm bit for raising it, the police explained he was a service dog and was acting to protect me so he got arrested for attacking a service dog (felony in my state).
human humor could inflict psychological damages, while pulling one's finger could inflict olfactory damages, different catergory of damages, different rules
#16 Never smile at a Human in a drinking establishment that is about to close as that Human will offer you a tour of their home and then engage you in an act called "sex".
The human investment in producing children is great and thus they greatly value their children. The mechanism that makes humans value others children is what makes them bond with pets. There for attacking human children and/or pets should be considered a very painful form of self ending.
caviot to point 1: a human will also likely show teeth when they want to grind someone and/or something into a fine paste. the difference between the two expressions is shown with the position of "cheek" muscles and "eyebrows" on the human's face.
two dead babies walk into a bar and order milk and cookies. the bartender shakes his head and says: "but.. you're dead?" "what about him?" they answer.
What's the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck load of bowling balls? You don't use a pitch fork to unload a truck load of bowling balls.
"if you visit the human home world, you will learn fast why they call it dirt. apparantly, the human speciman you will meet out in space are highly irregular, for a lot of those down in the gravity well are xenophobic to a fault and don't hesitate to (verbally and physically) assault any persons they deem "foreign" or will ask you to "get off their lawn". keep in mind that those may be some sub species of humanity, for they share a few similarities among them: the tend to breathe through their mouths alot, wear military gear and/or carry firearms even in civil situations, are very loud and do not like it if you answer their questions ("are you lost" and "do you have a problem" are not helpful offers!).
Don't forget the animals we keep around for utility purposes, such as dogs used as hunting companions, guides for the blind, bomb and drug detection, pest control, as part of falconry programs in conjunction with raptors to keep birds away from airfields, and of course as guardians, although almost all dogs fill this final role regardless of pet status.
Alien: *kicks dog*
All humans in viewing distance: So you have chosen death.
Basically
Picking it up and moving it somewhere else is acceptable though.
@@Bluesonofman as is gentle pats and moving around it.
Attacking adorable things is a war crime of unforgiving magnitude to some, if not most, humans
@@UNSCPILOT My dog is not too big of a fan of getting picked up but because we have always done it with her since she was a puppy, she trusts us enough to let us do it as she knows that it's our way of showing we love her. As she enjoys hugs as the only time, she licks you is when you have food.
Rule number one: do not provide your human(s) with access to any iteration of this guide. They may see it as either a challenge or a "to-do" list, after which they will seek to subvert all prior expectations, either as a "joke," or for the sake of "unpredictability".
Or for "the lols".
At least the children and pet parts will still totally apply.
I want a part two and this is neet
Granted
@@Salt_discriminater Dang, I was too slow.
I feel like the writer of this guide had a few too many interactions with enlisted servicemen if sone of their biggest concerns are about our sense of humor...
@@Archris17 or Scotsmen.
@@Gouranga_Man As I'm parsley Scottish, I enjoy the compliment.
number 15 is a life saving advice...
No. 15 is a lie and you definitly SHOULD pull a humans finger when offered -sincerely, NOT A HUMAN
Rule 34. You do NOT under any circumstances want to know it. Absolutely do not ask a human about it lest you become a subject of it. Seriously, ignorance is bliss.
All extremely accurate and relevant information on human nature. Definitely something any alien species working alongside Terrans should be familiar with. I'd love to see more.
Humans show up on galactic theater.
Galaxy adjusts everything to accommodate humans.
*Alien accidently kicks dog while*
[All humans have equipped weapon in your area]
Re rule 11: What's the difference between a truckload of marbles and a truckload of babies? You can't unload the marbles with a pitchfork.
Did you know it takes 3 babies to make 1 bottle of baby oil?
im thinking about a human listening to an alien's sad backstory and just at random: "here, have a rat" like, they just reach into their pocket, pull out a rat. "here, have a rat"
Lol “The Great Food Fight”
When it comes to Indiana Jones stuff yeah you better watch us
The trolling of the first aliens to disclose themselves will be on a level never before seen;).
The one about "pull my finger" nearly made me spit out my stimulant powder mixed with water.
part 2? because i liked this one.
The laughter bit reminds me of something they would put in front of movies on the old Sci-Fi channel.
"The following presentation has been classified 'Comedy'. Warning: you may experience involuntary vocal spasms."
I like how they Saíd: "Don't pull their finger" but didn't explain why
The hitchhiker's guide to those weirdos from earth
For the Narrator!
Made the mistake of clicking on the guy that wrote this' Reddit profile. Feel like I know him too well
I love this
Thanks for the story 🙂😅
Desmond Morris would be proud
Imagine messing with xenos with a deez nuts joke
4:01 did someone get stabbed in the background? What was that scream?
Hey xenos.. I claim all your worlds. Any questions? Remember Rule 8 😈
Number 12 is trash. The buttons are REQUIRED to be pushed.
5: OH BOY! if anyone tried to be mean to my cat, i'd gladly grab the nearest blunt object. failing that, repeated kicking.
7: yeah, i could see some extraterrestrial doing something otherwise benign to their own species to be an invitation for a public beatdown among humanity.
11: oh man, the amount of unintended psychological warfare committed with this.
12: REFRENCES!
15: chemical warfare aerosol compacted into a mobile delivery system with an convenient trigger mechanism.
Your description of #15 is spot on, I love it!
Ah yes. Pull my finger is literally the oldest prank around. The words heralding the creation of the universe. Weren't "Let there be light' They were 'Pull my finger'.
@@mstrfool Wouldn't it be
"pull THINE finger"?
@@firstoffproductions1462 Unless my youth has taken a higher toll on me then I know, admittedly quite possible, that would be telling some one to pull their own finger. I wouldn't put it past him to do that as an added prank, but that would risk the credit going to someone else, and they may not be up for it. Still, could be. I know a friend of mine was sure in the running... Dude could etch glass...
@LTNetjak Levers are such fun. Why, there must be fifty ways to love your lever...
The only things missing from this list are:
- Substances containing ethanol (a known fuel), commonly referred to as "booze", "liquor", or "jello shots". This is frequently found in the vicinity of human concentrations known as "parties".
- Food items consumed with an unusually high capsaicin content, apparently for personal enjoyment, such as "hot wings", "curry", or "Korean BBQ".
- A subset of humans with no common ancestry or background called "adrenaline junkies" who appear to take joy in activities even _other humans_ consider dangerous and/or life-threatening. Such activities include jumping from fully functioning craft at a great altitude with a piece of cloth; swimming with large aquatic creatures called "sharks", one of their planet's apex predators and a creature known to maim and kill a number of humans every solar cycle; and deliberately heading towards unpredictable storms known as "tornadoes", with great wind speeds, electrical discharges, falling ice and debris.
It is best to stand back and allow these humans engage in their activities, but do not interfere until they become seriously injured and specifically request your assistance.
When dealing with humans, they need their own set of rules just to understand them, and another set of rules when dealing with them.
Yea, when a human engineer starts to giggle oddly, get near a lifepod. If you see a human engineer running, try to run faster. If you hear a human say 'Hold my beer', run. Then get a video recorder running. If you made it to a safe distance, you'll have something spectacular. If not, there's at least a chance the recording may survive and emergency services can see what happened.
"Do not attempt to touch a dog without asking"
Without asking the terran keeper, not the dog. Asking the dog will most likely only result in more barking.
Hurting Human pet: Death
Hurting Human offspring: Praying for death
I need to know more about this "human home world". On the subject of "kicking a human's dog": I have a Dogo Argentino that is roughly 100 pounds. Kicking her would probably not be the wisest thing!! HAHAHAHAHA :D
I have a mixed pit/australian shepard/border collie, about 90lbs. Kicking him will result in a very nasty reprisal that due to his extreme intelligence you will not see coming. Case in point my sisters ex kicked him out of the way when he was about 2 months old, I got him a few weeks later. When he came back from his training to be my therapy dog/assistant my sister and her ex came over. He walked up lifted a leg and urinated on him as he was bent over in the fridge. When he turned he got his arm bit for raising it, the police explained he was a service dog and was acting to protect me so he got arrested for attacking a service dog (felony in my state).
yeah i wouldn't recommend doing that either
@@VadulTharysHe's a good boi ❤
A friend of mine had a Dogo who thought he was my lapdog. Imagine that happening to some alien...
Part 2 do not go to Australia do not go to Africa in fact do not go to the human homeworld of earth that place is a deathtrap
I feel like number 15 should just be bundled with the point on human humor.
Something tells me it was placed separate do to personal experience lol 😂
human humor could inflict psychological damages, while pulling one's finger could inflict olfactory damages, different catergory of damages, different rules
Another note about humans: under no circumstances will you allow a human to show you "something funny" or "a meme" on their "phones."
ok how the hell you manage to put this emoticon in your comment?
like it just make it more hillarious and i need to know
Dead joke
This is why no ond takes HFY serious
□
how tf
#16 Never smile at a Human in a drinking establishment that is about to close as that Human will offer you a tour of their home and then engage you in an act called "sex".
Which in turn leads to "Humans are among the horniest species in the galaxy, if not *_THE_* horniest species."
The human investment in producing children is great and thus they greatly value their children. The mechanism that makes humans value others children is what makes them bond with pets. There for attacking human children and/or pets should be considered a very painful form of self ending.
Bless the Narrator
Bless the Author
I agree with that one dude I also would love to hear apart 2 and so on.
caviot to point 1: a human will also likely show teeth when they want to grind someone and/or something into a fine paste. the difference between the two expressions is shown with the position of "cheek" muscles and "eyebrows" on the human's face.
All of these need to be made into video series especially the one Humans don't give a fuck and the initial contact series
Humans: *exist*
Ursalids: oh... OH NO, HELP
#16 If you exist there is a human,no matter how incompatible the two of you are, will attempt to mate with you
Hahahahaha Struth struth 💛💛🇭🇲🙆🏽♂️🙆🏽♂️
ah yes the age old finger pull fart thing
Bright buttons means press
Why else would they be bright?
Lever means pull. Or push. Why else would there be a lever?
Enjoy these types of stories and Billy hope that there's a continuation / part 2
Am I the only one here who doesn't show teeth when smiling?
no. i have accepted that as an american photo smile. if i show that much teeth, i call it it a grin.
examples: :) :D
Chilled is like that too its ok
funny how i heard Chilled bring that up in a Worms video literally last night then i see this comment
You're not smiling hard enough, then.
How bad are your teeth?
Not great, but not utterly wrecked either...
let's share our best dead baby jokes!
two dead babies walk into a bar and order milk and cookies. the bartender shakes his head and says: "but.. you're dead?"
"what about him?" they answer.
What's the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck load of bowling balls?
You don't use a pitch fork to unload a truck load of bowling balls.
Do not pull the finger
I loled
Rule 15 had me rolling.
Amazing
lmaooo i forgot the pull my finger
Number 15 got me 🤣
Dead baby joke?
Damn, even my sense of humor is included in here.
Morbid humor and graveyard humor will shortly be defined, too. Humans are way too comfortable with death and joke about it all the time.
Do not "flirt" with humans. (See appendix 34)
Human laugh at horror because the alternative is worse.
Why is it showing -8.5 decibels? Cant hear anything.
I'm the 100th comment
This is accurate, but it seems a lot of our Xeno POV's source material is movies and anime...
Still pretty accurate, though.
"if you visit the human home world, you will learn fast why they call it dirt. apparantly, the human speciman you will meet out in space are highly irregular, for a lot of those down in the gravity well are xenophobic to a fault and don't hesitate to (verbally and physically) assault any persons they deem "foreign" or will ask you to "get off their lawn". keep in mind that those may be some sub species of humanity, for they share a few similarities among them: the tend to breathe through their mouths alot, wear military gear and/or carry firearms even in civil situations, are very loud and do not like it if you answer their questions ("are you lost" and "do you have a problem" are not helpful offers!).
Woah you got a new logo
NOICE!
Don't forget the animals we keep around for utility purposes, such as dogs used as hunting companions, guides for the blind, bomb and drug detection, pest control, as part of falconry programs in conjunction with raptors to keep birds away from airfields, and of course as guardians, although almost all dogs fill this final role regardless of pet status.