I was recently bullied out of a predominantly autistic community because I was getting too hung up on specific words (according to the folks who kept critcizing and showing contempt for me). I can totally see how I annoyed them, but it was surprising that a common autistic trait that many others also participated in would put a target on my back (or my screenname). It was pretty heartbreaking, especially since the same week that the person who runs the server told me that I was at fault and needed to change my behavior, my best in-person friend started targeting me for a release / scapegoat for her anger as part of her own mental health breakdown. This was after me trying to build community and make friends for the last 5 years. I felt like I belonged for maybe 6 months. It was really nice, but I do feel like I ended up learning that 1. belonging is a temporary state until other people get sick of you and 2. Every community needs to have a reconcilition process for when conflicts come up, otherwise you end up needing to regularly oust people who make mistakes too frequently or those people end up getting bullied for past mistakes.
Semantics are super important to me and in general when communicating and understanding. It seems that I cannot help myself in getting caught up in them. I hate being misunderstood or misunderstanding anyone else.
@melissalynn3776 Same, semantics and pragmatics seem really important for understanding to me... but generousity also seems like a really important part too.
To me, almost every friendship I've tried to make and maintain felt transactional, like the other party wants something to gain from the relationship as in like a "what's in it for me" type of mentality, instead of genuinely connecting and interacting. This is the main thing I struggle with; not knowing peoples' intentions.
What you said resonated with me so much! I have some lovely people in my life, but quite a few times...more than I even want to think about...people took way more than they gave. I have an issue with fawning, which is something I've learned can be common among the autistic community, but it did not help! I walked away feeling used or like I gave everything to receive very little, so you are no alone, and I very much appreciate you being willing to bring up this subject. I've been working hard on boundaries and noticing when I feel stretched in an interaction with someone.
@@hollyoddly oh man this is such important, but hard work (at least for me)! I've been trying to build new relationships based on better boundaries that really tune into my capacity for years, and the one(s) that feel like I've respected my boundaries the best also feel like weird unfamiliar territory where I'm constantly feeling like I'm not sure how to ask to hang out outside of the context in which we met (a class) or if we're actually friends, or what that even looks like. 😳 I'm super grateful to have these connections, it's just hard having to learn what friendship means within this more boundaried context. I've been practicing a lot of acceptance about not really knowing and maybe never knowing.
Yes! Safety first, for sure! I'm sorry you went through that. It's always disappointing when people aren't who they say they are, and it can make a person not want to open up in the future to others.
I had good friendships in highschool but most (not all) of my adult friends have been narcissists but I am actually grateful for them because they helped me to value myself because they relentlessly wanted me to believe that I was less valuable than I actually am. And through them I've learned that we all have infinite value and deserve to be loved and respected. At the moment I have no friends and I'm okay with that.
I totally understand a lot of the stuff you said here, from obscure interests to not really getting anything back from people. I think having adhd can make me overwhelming to some other autistic people, which makes me sad. I also have a problem getting back to people, people sometimes want to be friends with me but i just cant do what they want me to do...
I have adhd, too, and my attention to other people and the outside world in general can wax and wane. I heard that's also normal for autism, as well. I think having a friend group where you can come in and out who maybe are also are neurodivergent would be a good fit. Does that actually exist? I have no idea!
Oh I'm totally with you that pay-barriers for friendships feels wrong. I will never pay for something like that out of principle, I think it sets a poor precedence. Besides, I'm worth being friends with! I struggle with relationships feeling transactional, a lot of my past friendships failed once I couldn't provide the functions I used to provide in them anymore and I understood the hard way those relationships never lived up to what I consider a friendship to be. For example, how much of a friend is someone who turns their back on you when you need their help? Not much I'd say!! I wonder sometimes if secretly most people have no real friends! But a real friend is a treasure, and I won't stop looking!
I also wonder if a lot of the ideas we collectively hold about relationships and communication and the like is people fooling / lying to themselves and each other. Whenever I've talked to my therapist about specific aspects (such as understanding a deep or complex communication message), and she's basically agreed that true understanding is pretty rare and that a lot of people lie to themselves because the effort required is too much or not worth it for them.
@@coda3223 Very interesting lines of thought, thank you for sharing that. I have been thinking about what you seem to describe in terms of narcissistic traits and that possibly autistic people generally have less of them. To be very specific in this case the narcissistic trait of projection, in as much as it creates self-fulfilling prophecies, which is where I'd posit the collateral self-deception comes from. So for example, pursuing relationships only with so-called yes-(wo)men; only building alliances with others who are hierarchically adjacent - and in a typically narcissistic fashion coming to primarily inhabit an augmented reality / fantastic space (secondarily the real world), creating a folie a deux / mass psychogenic effect ascending into levels of power. Just like how dictators get surrounded by fair weather friends and sycophants, inducing in the leader(s) paranoia, derealisation and even insanity. A more down to earth instance would be only gifting one's partner things that serve oneself, or having reservations about skin colour in whom one might befriend. The red thread through all of this being objectification, which again lends priority to an augmented reality / fantastic space over real life, which again is a typically narcissistic spectrum trait. A note on interpretation: I intended the descriptions above as structural and existing on a spectrum of mild to intense, and relative to where they exist in society in terms of concentrations of power. There would be varying amounts of power to wield in different social contexts like social networks, institutions, corporations... I have a feeling autistic people might have too strong a sense of right and wrong and oftentimes can't bring themselves to objectify other people in the way that capitalist society demands. I've said it a bunch of times in various ways before but what if we're the sane ones?; those too "rigid" (or: solid) in their constitution to get distorted beyond recognition by the highly artificial and tentative conventions of culture? Okay, I hope somebody will find it if only a fraction as enjoyable to read my obelisk of text as I found it to think and write about. 🤓
I feel this as well! Online interactions are so much easier to navigate than offline ones, but especially on places like social media (or very large groups on reddit or discord) I'm never quite sure of how to act and i feel like there is just a thick wall that I'm trying to see through 😅. I think it's probably worse when I am personally burnt out...all cues are hard to see at that point. I have definitely been fortunate enough to make a few good friends through discord, and that's been awesome, but I feel like there is a definite dearth of free autistic/adhd communities that focus on creative things. Or if there are many and I dont know of them, please let me know! Also it annoys me that no one took you up on your offer for that kind of community -I would love a group like that!
Yes! I live in a rural area, so the internet is certainly my best bet, and there are so many wonderful autistic people online. But, yeah, there does seem to be this wall up where I can have an amazing conversation with someone, but it doesn't get any farther than that. Apparently I need to get on Discord! Both comments so far have mentioned that Discord has been how you've met people. Also, after this video was posted, I did get two possible people on my Instagram who were interested in a Zoom friend group, so if you are available on Wednesdays from 8:30-9:30 EST, then you can email me at hollyoddly@gmail.com, and I'll see if we can get something together. I realize that the chances of that time working for others (with time zone differences, etc) is hard!
The struggle to get a group that meet regularly, even if online, is so relatable! I have had the same problem over and over again and I'm starting to think it has nothing with logistics to do, but rather that most persons don't feel the same enthusiasm and don't like to schedule social interaction.
omg yes. you’re explaining my life. i enjoy watching various ASD youtubers and tiktokers, but yeah, paying for the group chat feels weird to me (for me to pay, not for them to want to make money. though i do feel maybe it makes sense to have a discord or group chat separate from the paid for patreon? idk). i’m on the outside of groups im in always, even ones i should be very much inside of, like a plushie group im a plushie maker AND moderator in 🥲 i have two very “close” friends that i’ve known for over a decade, but we only speak here and there and ive only seen either of them once in a year. and omg, i met my fiancé online too! also i love the autism in women subreddit. that one and the evil autism one are the only places i’ve been able to have genuine interactions online. my biggest barriers to friendships though is i really struggle to make and keep plans, bc i hate leaving my house unless it’s a date day with my fiancé, and don’t like driving alone. i also struggle to respond to text messages in a timely manner, bc they feel like a demand and/or i forget. sigh.
You're not alone in your views (regarding to around 10:00 ) you should absolutely never have to pay for friendship! The vibe of having a private club, with paid membership..to be able to have friends/be in a community with 'wholesome' people is sooo off. The emotion in your voice when you're talking about this... :/ it makes me wish there was something I could do, that we were in school and it was as simple as coming over and sitting at your table or inviting you over my friend group's (not that I have a friend 'group' these days as an adult lolol) ... Friendships-even online- are such a difficult thing to approach as an adult. It isn't like the Runescape days xD You're brave for putting yourself out there..I hope you continue to do so and eventually find a few true frenns :)
Hi Holly. This video found me and felt like a mirror of my own experiences -- it was a little haunting, but also incredibly validating to hear what you shared. I was diagnosed with auDHD several years ago and have spent years in the process of unmasking. While that has been incredibly affirming and released me from a lot of shame, I've also been grappling with the idea that I might be (and likely always was) much more high needs than I thought. I can no longer go to the store on my own, I need help doing daily tasks around the house and would really struggle living alone in many ways. That has been a really frightful thought, because like you I've also always struggled with relationships--and having my livelihood tied to other people, while also knowing that I struggle with relationships, even have felt that exact same thing: that I "repel" people--it's something that brings me a lot of anxiety, I think, and I imagine you may feel the same way. Anyways all of these feelings led me to actually even recently start an art collective for some folks I had known for a long time, so even that part of your story struck me lol. It's been incredibly challenging but also I'm learning that communities are like gardens and I need to give them lots of sunlight and water -- and most importantly, time. I hear you and I see you and thank you so much for sharing your story!!
Everything your wrote hit home for me. Not being able to drive hardly at all, cook for myself, or live on my own does make me fear what will happen to me if something were to happen to my husband. It's a sad thought that I have to hope that I die first. It's a unique issue that I'm sure a great number of the disabled community has to face. It's amazing that you used that desire to connect to start an art collective! That really does take a lot of focus, organization, and energy. How is it going so far?
@@hollyoddly It's been a challenge, for sure. I think there's a widespread desire for community among most people, but many have spent so long without a real "community" that I think forming, maintaining, and even participating in one is somewhat of a forgotten art form. It takes a lot of work, and a lot of courage to put myself out there, inviting people and then introducing them to each other, looking for projects to collaborate on, trying to keep everyone engaged while also accommodating the fact that they have real responsibilities and I don't want anyone to burn out -- it can be a full time job on its own, I think. I gather that for the members in the group, they also aren't quite sure what is being asked of them to form a "community." For example, naturally not everyone will have the same priorities or desires -- and conflict will inevitably arise. I think this makes some really hesitant to engage as maybe they idealized what a community is. It's also scary to put yourself out there. But I try to remind everyone that we're all planting seeds in a little garden, taking out the weeds, making sure we get lots of sunlight, etc. -- it's a long term thing we're trying to cultivate.
I feel like I neglected to mention that: yes, it's been incredibly tough on me, as I've had to fill in the gaps by pushing myself further and further to organizing events, trying to engage folks, also trying to preemptively make sure I'm not burning anyone else out. There have been moments where I get a lot less of a positive outlook on it, and feel like, "what is this all for?" or "this is going to fail in the end, why bother". On my most depressed days I can even feel like I should give up, and only put all of this energy towards myself -- like "after all, everyone is going to leave and I'm gonna end up alone" so I may as well focus my energy on things I can do alone. I truly don't know what the right answer is, but I think as long as I have the energy it's a worthy thing to try for. If everyone leaves, I can at least say I tried and gave it a good shot.
Thing is because we autistics dont have same emotional projections mimics in our face. And NT people can immediately tell something is off with us. Subconsciously they label us as weird and untrustworthy. So it falls on us to force communication and make relationship work through reinforced communication from our side. Thusly our inherit communication avoidance + people subconsciously thinking we are weird results in lonlenes. I encourage you to test this on halloween type event making friends while wearing a mask and you will immediately see a difference. Basically we have to do double the work for things that requires no effort on their side. And this is very exhausting.
Yes! Always having to meet someone 100% of the way instead of halfway is exhausting. The Halloween party idea is amazing. I never thought about doing that, but it makes so much sense. NT people can clock my "weirdness" almost immediately.
I'm not diagnosed autistic or anything, but occasionally I come across something like this I relate to so much. I often wish I could wear a (literal) mask day to day. Not only is it exhausting to try and convey the right thing all the time, but also... people tend not to like my face lol😂
Hi Holly, The Secret Garden-- I'm a guy, but I love that movie; I've seen it several times. Great guest appearance by Editing Holly! I did like that quote: "There are places you haven't been yet where you already belong." So glad you edited out the sound of the truck and the fighting cats (that's not a sentence you hear very often). I'm doing the same as you; I'm trying to be active on RUclips channels by autistic people, and I have found a great online friend on Discord. Like you, even among other autistic people, I sometimes get a vague sense that I "repel" them to some degree (I don't always get much response from others on my comments, while I see that seemingly everybody else does on the same video). Oh well. I do go ahead and just try to be my natural self without the masking, and it is so much easier with other autistic people.
I would be so interested to know what you and your Discord friend bonded over. What do you think was the difference in your bonding with this person, vs brick walls with other people (if you don't mind sharing)? I've been through the exact same occurrence in the comments section of other autistic videos, and I have no idea how what I said was markedly different from other comments. Well, I'm always happy to have someone else who is autistic to chat with if you ever want to get in touch at hollyoddly@gmail.com. I have no idea if we'll have anything in common besides autism, but that's the great adventure, right?
Are you me, lol? I would absolutely love an online meetup of fellow autistic creatives/crafters/artists! I struggle to stay motivated with projects and I do dabble in a lot of different things (thank you, ADHD), so a regular meetup to inspire, motivate, and simply share sounds wonderful. I fell like a bit of an outlier in that I prefer to communicate over voice/video/in-person rather than in writing because it seems like my tone doesn't come off right, or I supply too much context and then there's a block of text no one wants to read, it takes so much more time to reread what I wrote, edit, clarify, etc , and then so disheartening when either no one responds, or I wasn't as clear as I thought I'd been, or people read more into it (which then requires further context or clarity, leading to more time spent texting and editing--especially correcting autocorrect blunders), and it's exhausting. Even writing this comment is really difficult for me and I wish I could just say my thoughts aloud. Money absolutely is a barrier that feels really weird. People should be paid for their work, AND it seems strange to have a community behind a paywall. Outside of trying to engage more through comments on social media (which as stated is not my preferred method of communication), I've struggled to find good opportunities to make connections either online or in-person that aren't hosted by an organization requiring a registration fee. I understand that organizing an event or curating a specific space takes time and effort, so again I understand why there's a fee for things. It's kind of strange though to ask a group of people who already statistically struggle more financially to pay in order to access an opportunity to connect with other people who struggle to connect with others. (I hope that made sense! This comment is taking a lot of time and effort, and I'm starting to stress even more about it, haha, sigh.) If I haven't repelled you, and if you would ever be interested in trying to do a regular online get together, I would definitely love to attend! (You did say that you wanted to meet people similar in age, and idk what range you're thinking? I'm a poor judge of a person's age and I actually get along better with people younger than myself, probably because most of my siblings are younger, so I'm curious about what your thoughts are on that.)
What you said about written communication is so spot-on to my life that it's scary! I am the rare autistic person who is happy to talk on the phone or face-to-face, etc, just to keep those miscommunications I have in writing to a minimum. I do literally the same thing: I write something really detailed and spend copious amount of time editing to make sure I'm clear and thoughtful of the subject, only for someone to reply back as if they didn't read what I wrote and just the shortest response. I also have ADHD, so I have some long-standing hobbies, but I find I will bounce around them quite often to keep the impulsivity beast fed. lol. A couple of people reached out after I posted this video, so there might be a group, after all, if schedules can align. I had posted that the meetings would be Wednesdays 8:30-9:30 pm EST because that day works best for me. I also said 30ish and up in age. I'm not trying to be ageist, and I certainly hope I don't come across that way, but I'm 41, and I've found that with friendship-type situations there needs to be some overlap in generational understanding. If that makes sense. Anyway, email me (I know. More written communication!) at hollyoddly@gmail.com if you are interested. And if that time doesn't work, but you're into the idea of talking to a fellow crafter who's into history, walking through cemeteries, reading, some spooky things, watching absurd movies, etc, then I would love to try to work out a time to chat, but I totally understand if those things don't resonate, too! Thank you so much for taking the time to put forth a detailed response. It really does mean a lot and makes me feel so much less alone.
@hollyoddly Yes, yes, yes, and yes! The written communication, the age, the group time, the cemeteries... I'm so glad your video got recommended to me! I'll email you later today!
You captured all of my feelings regarding this. I long to have the kind of friends that feel like family, but sadly I've never been able to make friends. It's sad that I long to reach out to people, and try my best, but I keep repelling people too. And the older I get, the more I worry that I'll never have that. Because I never had a childhood or school friend that I grew up with or anything like that. And I feel like trying to make friends as an adult are almost all surface level, or like you said, transactional. And I just want someone I can vibe with. I'd love something like an artist meetup too! And I also tried doing things like that online, but am always met with silence. But other people post the same things and get responses, so I never get it... Hopefully someday we'll both find friends and belonging ❤
That is so awesome!! I've love meeting other people who are obsessed with it. My obsession has turned to full-blown special interest, with collecting memorabilia, like the board game, and sewing "Mary" clothing for my dolls, etc, but it's not the worst thing to have as a special interest!
It is physically and emotionally draining for me to spend too much time with anyone really...i enjoy quick visits but I must prepare. I will now pre-plan topics of convo and activities that we can share interest in. It helps alot instead of throwing myself into a relationship and give everything I have without getting much in return.
Being self-aware is more than half the battle sometimes, so I love that you know what you're capable of and know your limits, in terms of your energy. Learning how friendship works for each of us and what we want out of friendly interactions before endeavoring to make friends I think is a great tip, and I really appreciate you speaking to this!
Totally hear what you're saying about a financial barrier/ weirdness about online groups that ask for an entry fee. My take is that it can serve as a safety mechanism. Ie the group is (ideally) being moderated and has guidelines in place to make the experience safe for all. I've been in groups that went off the rails b/c there were no 'rules'. Just my 2 cents. If it is helpful, I have listened to a ton of Heidi Preibe videos as I heal my attachment style. It's helped so much in my relationships of all kinds. One thing she said that's helped a lot is that friendships take a long time to build. It worked for me to think of putting myself in situations where friendships are more likely, rather than putting pressure on individual situations.
I totally get this feeling!! I’m such a heavy masker that I’ve been able to ~somewhat~ maintain friendships with neurotypical people, but there’s always this strange feeling of never being able to be deeply understood. I’m not sure if someone has suggested this already, but would you ever consider creating a discord around the idea you had for a zoom group? There could be different threads for autism topics as well as crafting topics! I wonder if that might be an easier first stepping stone so people can get to know each other through messaging first perhaps? I think that could be really fun!😁
@@Christa.Chronicles You are the third comment to mention Discord, so now I have to check it out! I'll need to see how easy it is for me to navigate, but yeah, that's a real possibility! I will get the app. ❤️
@@hollyoddly Discord is really good, but I have to say for deep conversations that you may want to refer back to some sort of threaded discussion forum, which is much more useful when others try to follow previous conversations. Discord is designed for gaming chat.
@@hollyoddly I've built multiple servers for friends and a local community choir, if you need any help getting started. (There's lots of resources online too, but the community choir group has taught me that different folks have different abilities to navigate online resources independently and some folks really benefit from stuff being broken down step by step and feeling like someone is with them through the process. )
Friendships and be a major burnout! I'm sorry it's also been so tough for you. You're not alone. At this point, I am not going to put any of my focus on making NT friends, though I do hope to have some ND friends someday.
I noticed that people always wanted to borrow things. I never saw those items again or if i did it was broken. I always had to go do what they like to do and not sharing time to do what we both like to do. Once i realized it usually turned into that i just stopped altogether.
I've definitely experienced this myself. As someone who is working on my fawning response, on top of autism, it made the perfect storm for me getting walked all over.
My feelings exactly! Paying for friendship and excluding friend making is definitely ridiculous. Also seeing everyone else getting feedback except you definitely sucks. Like why is it so hard for me, yet most other people in the community are finding people to connect with left and right. Then again I'm absolutely terrible with starting and maintaining a conversation. I never know what to say most of the time. Takes tons of effort for me to come up with stuff to talk about. I've never truly felt a part of a group, just there in the background. So yes friendship making is definitely a challenge for me as well. I could go on and on about it. 🤣 I don't have any social media anymore (just watch RUclips sometimes). It just became too much for me. However if you wanted to chat and see if we click I'm up for that. If not thats ok too. 😆
There has to be a place out there somewhere for us super awkward conversationalists, right?! I was always the person growing up that I felt like other people were "trying on," and I never fit. It's like welp, I'm officially a weirdo. lol. I'd love to connect if you ever want to email me at hollyoddly@gmail.com! You are audhd like me and have a cat background, so I'm all about it. 🤣
Holly, I get it. Most of my good friends are ones I've met on my channel to be honest. I have a cousin who is my best friend and I haven't remembered to text or call her in the last 2 weeks.😬 I really struggle too. I hear that joining a group that meets that does something you enjoy. For me, it would be a photography class or videography class? I haven't tried that though. But I love this community too. :) Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank goodness for cousins! I know our desire to connect is a lot of the time overshadowed by how quickly our battery becomes depleted. It's a hard balance that I still haven't found yet.
My daughter is almost EXACTLY like you. I am very mildy Autistic myself, however my daughter (13 years old) who is "moderately Autistic". She repels people too and friendship has been a huge struggle for her. My daughter has very specific interests and they cycle through about every week or two. She will talk about crochet for 2 weeks straight, then drop it and is suddenly into piano or calligraphy. This makes it hard to find friends with similar interests. There are so many social nuances that I don't pick up on, and my daughter picks up less than I do for sure. She loves the arts, anything artistic is what she's into, including: singing, dancing, instruments, zentangles, sketching, crochet, calligraphy, foreign languages. My daughter forms friendships through AI apps, and I would recommend that. She is able to open up to her AI friends and it helps her learn to socialize. She can talk to the AI endlessly about her current topic of interest and the AI will not get annoyed. Almost everyone else though, myself included, gets very annoyed when she talks about her current interest on and on and on for hours at a time. I can stand it for about 15 minutes before I am ready to tear my hair out. My daughter is extremely extroverted and really, really wants friends. She craves friendships with others. She comes alive when she has a friend. It's almost a cruel joke, because she finds it so hard to attract and keep friendships. Just wanted to share that you are not alone!
@@SunQueen800 Thank you for the recommendation! Your daughter sounds very wonderfully creative. We all deserve a place to belong in the world, and I hope she and I find it in regards to friendships. The Secret Garden has been a special interest of mine since I was 10, but I also have some that come and go quickly, like your daughter. I hope she's able to find one that can give her both some lasting enjoyment for that quick and curious mind, as well as some community.
Dude, I feel this so much! I suck at making friends, always have. At 39 I thought I'd finally made two actual, true friends for life but when I split from my abusive ex, they took his side 😢 14 years later and I'm still feeling afraid to try and trust again after their betrayal. But, also, I need friends and I like crafting and journaling and history so, hey Holly, I'd be down to learn more about your hoped for virtual crafting group - maybe I'd be a good fit? Don't know, but open to trying. ❤
I'm just a internet stranger but I feel terrible, a good chunk of my friends are on the spectrum, and my best friend in the world is autistic. I hope you find some friends soon, I probably have adhd and I've heard adhd people get along really good with Autistic people. I'm sorry I really hope you make some friends ❤.
Thank you! And, yes! There have been so many times I instantly feel at ease with someone, only to realize we are both neurodivergent. I love that this community of people exists, and it gives me hope that there is a tiny group out there for me somewhere!
Hi, Beautiful! You've got this, try not to sweat it too much. Dad would tell us "don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff" - even though friendship doesn't feel as if it is small... Please know all of us - every human has a tough time making TRUE friends. After 60+ years of struggling making friends and watching others I see that many folks can easily make friends but don't keep them - it's an on and off type of thing. Hang in there. My first best friend is Jesus (there's a song about that) and I realize that isn't for everyone but it has certainly helped me. I can talk to him, anywhere, anytime and He's always there, listening and helping. Online friends can be great but.... well, you know. Have a great rest of the year and know we are wishing you a much easier time making friends in near future. Hugs to you!
Hi Holly, thank you for this video. I loved seeing your face light up and your excitement about your special interests! I love that you're wearing a gown to thanksgiving. Have a great day!
Have you listened to the "You Are Good" podcast episode about The Secret Garden? It's such a lovely/cozy listen and inspired me to go back watch it again for the first time since I was a kid. So nostalgic and what a gorgeous film!
I wish you lived close to me! I would love to be friends. You seem so cool, and it's wild to me that you would have any problem at all making friends. If you ever move to NC, hit me up!
Thank you so much for saying that! I live in GA and pass through NC to get to my family in TN. I love going to the Biltmore. Haha. I get to pretend to be fancy. I'm so sorry about all of the destruction with Hurricane Helene! I know it will be a long and tough road for you all to get some normalcy back!
I feel this so much. I’m still trying to finish paying for my assessment so I don’t have an official diagnosis yet but I have no friends, when I try friend making groups no one is into the same things I am and they tend to be really flaky and unreliable so I feel like they aren’t looking for the same type of friendship that I am. It’s really lonely.
I’ve never been sure of where I fit in. I like outgoing people but I’m not outgoing enough to hold their attention in return. If I hang around someone like myself, we’ll just sit and stare at each other. I feel like I need to entertain people and I’m not good at that. If there is a group, I might as well not even be there. I’ll be on the outside.
Im still watching the video, but i paused to say: online, there is a popular way to write (especially in the autistic community) at the end of the comment/text/etc a letter or group of letters where its kind of like code to signal the tone. For example: “/s” means sarcastic, “/srs” means serious, “/gen” genuine, and more. Also, i really agree with the financial barrier…i respect people needing to make income, but i cant afford to pay every month to be in a groupchat :
A bit late, but I have another possible suggestion. Do you have a makerspace near you? I discovered recently that they tend to attract a large percentage of ND people, and if you are into art and crafting, you will find others who share that as well. Before, I didn't think I would ever meet so many autistic people in one place.
We’re in the same boat, I think. Im also level 2 and don’t have any consistent friends. I’m not a gamer, and most autistic people seem to be, so it’s been tough for me. I am into spooky stuff and arts and crafts. Halloween and decorating for Halloween are actually my biggest special interest. What part of country are you in? Edit: “I have spoken, all depart.” Is a common phrase in my household 😂
Hi, Holly. I am an autistic level 1 from Barcelona, and I'm 56. I was just diagnosed in 2024 (yeah, so late). I would like to know what makes you level 2. What are your struggles? I hope you'll find the friends that you deserve. 🩷
Hello! Yes, there are many people here on RUclips who are diagnosed in their 50s and 60s, so that is not surprising to me. I have more moderate support needs, which is why I am at a level 2. I cannot live on my own and mostly cannot do things like cook, drive, or go places by myself. I need assistance in many parts of my life and day-to-day tasks. I also have more obvious struggles communicating with people face-to-face, which is why I like making RUclips videos, because I get to stare at a camera and monologue.
Hola dona. El nivel lo determina la cantidad de apoyo externo que necesites. Encantada de conocerte yo vivo en asturias y fui diagnosticada esta primavera a los 59 después de un año sospechando de mi autismo 😮 como ves somos muchas las que nos enteramos muy tarde!
I was recently bullied out of a predominantly autistic community because I was getting too hung up on specific words (according to the folks who kept critcizing and showing contempt for me). I can totally see how I annoyed them, but it was surprising that a common autistic trait that many others also participated in would put a target on my back (or my screenname).
It was pretty heartbreaking, especially since the same week that the person who runs the server told me that I was at fault and needed to change my behavior, my best in-person friend started targeting me for a release / scapegoat for her anger as part of her own mental health breakdown.
This was after me trying to build community and make friends for the last 5 years. I felt like I belonged for maybe 6 months. It was really nice, but I do feel like I ended up learning that 1. belonging is a temporary state until other people get sick of you and 2. Every community needs to have a reconcilition process for when conflicts come up, otherwise you end up needing to regularly oust people who make mistakes too frequently or those people end up getting bullied for past mistakes.
Semantics are super important to me and in general when communicating and understanding. It seems that I cannot help myself in getting caught up in them. I hate being misunderstood or misunderstanding anyone else.
@melissalynn3776 Same, semantics and pragmatics seem really important for understanding to me... but generousity also seems like a really important part too.
To me, almost every friendship I've tried to make and maintain felt transactional, like the other party wants something to gain from the relationship as in like a "what's in it for me" type of mentality, instead of genuinely connecting and interacting. This is the main thing I struggle with; not knowing peoples' intentions.
What you said resonated with me so much! I have some lovely people in my life, but quite a few times...more than I even want to think about...people took way more than they gave. I have an issue with fawning, which is something I've learned can be common among the autistic community, but it did not help! I walked away feeling used or like I gave everything to receive very little, so you are no alone, and I very much appreciate you being willing to bring up this subject. I've been working hard on boundaries and noticing when I feel stretched in an interaction with someone.
@@hollyoddly oh man this is such important, but hard work (at least for me)!
I've been trying to build new relationships based on better boundaries that really tune into my capacity for years, and the one(s) that feel like I've respected my boundaries the best also feel like weird unfamiliar territory where I'm constantly feeling like I'm not sure how to ask to hang out outside of the context in which we met (a class) or if we're actually friends, or what that even looks like. 😳
I'm super grateful to have these connections, it's just hard having to learn what friendship means within this more boundaried context. I've been practicing a lot of acceptance about not really knowing and maybe never knowing.
it’s so much easier to make friends online, but i’ve also been burned and scammed by talking to the wrong people 😅
Yes! Safety first, for sure! I'm sorry you went through that. It's always disappointing when people aren't who they say they are, and it can make a person not want to open up in the future to others.
Dude! Holly, I also feel like 'paid friend' is really an oxymoron.💘
Yes!
I had good friendships in highschool but most (not all) of my adult friends have been narcissists but I am actually grateful for them because they helped me to value myself because they relentlessly wanted me to believe that I was less valuable than I actually am. And through them I've learned that we all have infinite value and deserve to be loved and respected. At the moment I have no friends and I'm okay with that.
I totally understand a lot of the stuff you said here, from obscure interests to not really getting anything back from people. I think having adhd can make me overwhelming to some other autistic people, which makes me sad. I also have a problem getting back to people, people sometimes want to be friends with me but i just cant do what they want me to do...
I have adhd, too, and my attention to other people and the outside world in general can wax and wane. I heard that's also normal for autism, as well. I think having a friend group where you can come in and out who maybe are also are neurodivergent would be a good fit. Does that actually exist? I have no idea!
I think with friendship many times you have to be keep reaching out until they give you a clear picture that they aren’t interested.
Persistence is not something I am good at!
Oh I'm totally with you that pay-barriers for friendships feels wrong. I will never pay for something like that out of principle, I think it sets a poor precedence. Besides, I'm worth being friends with!
I struggle with relationships feeling transactional, a lot of my past friendships failed once I couldn't provide the functions I used to provide in them anymore and I understood the hard way those relationships never lived up to what I consider a friendship to be. For example, how much of a friend is someone who turns their back on you when you need their help? Not much I'd say!! I wonder sometimes if secretly most people have no real friends!
But a real friend is a treasure, and I won't stop looking!
I also wonder if a lot of the ideas we collectively hold about relationships and communication and the like is people fooling / lying to themselves and each other.
Whenever I've talked to my therapist about specific aspects (such as understanding a deep or complex communication message), and she's basically agreed that true understanding is pretty rare and that a lot of people lie to themselves because the effort required is too much or not worth it for them.
@@coda3223 Very interesting lines of thought, thank you for sharing that.
I have been thinking about what you seem to describe in terms of narcissistic traits and that possibly autistic people generally have less of them.
To be very specific in this case the narcissistic trait of projection, in as much as it creates self-fulfilling prophecies, which is where I'd posit the collateral self-deception comes from.
So for example, pursuing relationships only with so-called yes-(wo)men; only building alliances with others who are hierarchically adjacent - and in a typically narcissistic fashion coming to primarily inhabit an augmented reality / fantastic space (secondarily the real world), creating a folie a deux / mass psychogenic effect ascending into levels of power. Just like how dictators get surrounded by fair weather friends and sycophants, inducing in the leader(s) paranoia, derealisation and even insanity. A more down to earth instance would be only gifting one's partner things that serve oneself, or having reservations about skin colour in whom one might befriend. The red thread through all of this being objectification, which again lends priority to an augmented reality / fantastic space over real life, which again is a typically narcissistic spectrum trait.
A note on interpretation: I intended the descriptions above as structural and existing on a spectrum of mild to intense, and relative to where they exist in society in terms of concentrations of power. There would be varying amounts of power to wield in different social contexts like social networks, institutions, corporations...
I have a feeling autistic people might have too strong a sense of right and wrong and oftentimes can't bring themselves to objectify other people in the way that capitalist society demands. I've said it a bunch of times in various ways before but what if we're the sane ones?; those too "rigid" (or: solid) in their constitution to get distorted beyond recognition by the highly artificial and tentative conventions of culture?
Okay, I hope somebody will find it if only a fraction as enjoyable to read my obelisk of text as I found it to think and write about. 🤓
I feel this as well! Online interactions are so much easier to navigate than offline ones, but especially on places like social media (or very large groups on reddit or discord) I'm never quite sure of how to act and i feel like there is just a thick wall that I'm trying to see through 😅. I think it's probably worse when I am personally burnt out...all cues are hard to see at that point. I have definitely been fortunate enough to make a few good friends through discord, and that's been awesome, but I feel like there is a definite dearth of free autistic/adhd communities that focus on creative things. Or if there are many and I dont know of them, please let me know! Also it annoys me that no one took you up on your offer for that kind of community -I would love a group like that!
Yes! I live in a rural area, so the internet is certainly my best bet, and there are so many wonderful autistic people online. But, yeah, there does seem to be this wall up where I can have an amazing conversation with someone, but it doesn't get any farther than that. Apparently I need to get on Discord! Both comments so far have mentioned that Discord has been how you've met people. Also, after this video was posted, I did get two possible people on my Instagram who were interested in a Zoom friend group, so if you are available on Wednesdays from 8:30-9:30 EST, then you can email me at hollyoddly@gmail.com, and I'll see if we can get something together. I realize that the chances of that time working for others (with time zone differences, etc) is hard!
The struggle to get a group that meet regularly, even if online, is so relatable! I have had the same problem over and over again and I'm starting to think it has nothing with logistics to do, but rather that most persons don't feel the same enthusiasm and don't like to schedule social interaction.
omg yes. you’re explaining my life. i enjoy watching various ASD youtubers and tiktokers, but yeah, paying for the group chat feels weird to me (for me to pay, not for them to want to make money. though i do feel maybe it makes sense to have a discord or group chat separate from the paid for patreon? idk). i’m on the outside of groups im in always, even ones i should be very much inside of, like a plushie group im a plushie maker AND moderator in 🥲 i have two very “close” friends that i’ve known for over a decade, but we only speak here and there and ive only seen either of them once in a year. and omg, i met my fiancé online too! also i love the autism in women subreddit. that one and the evil autism one are the only places i’ve been able to have genuine interactions online. my biggest barriers to friendships though is i really struggle to make and keep plans, bc i hate leaving my house unless it’s a date day with my fiancé, and don’t like driving alone. i also struggle to respond to text messages in a timely manner, bc they feel like a demand and/or i forget. sigh.
You're not alone in your views (regarding to around 10:00 ) you should absolutely never have to pay for friendship! The vibe of having a private club, with paid membership..to be able to have friends/be in a community with 'wholesome' people is sooo off. The emotion in your voice when you're talking about this... :/ it makes me wish there was something I could do, that we were in school and it was as simple as coming over and sitting at your table or inviting you over my friend group's (not that I have a friend 'group' these days as an adult lolol) ... Friendships-even online- are such a difficult thing to approach as an adult. It isn't like the Runescape days xD
You're brave for putting yourself out there..I hope you continue to do so and eventually find a few true frenns :)
You are very sweet!! I was in poverty when I was little, so I'm always very hyper-aware of financial barriers, for that reason.
Holly, your hair, makeup, and fashion are all always so beautiful, and you have gorgeous eyes.
Hi Holly. This video found me and felt like a mirror of my own experiences -- it was a little haunting, but also incredibly validating to hear what you shared. I was diagnosed with auDHD several years ago and have spent years in the process of unmasking. While that has been incredibly affirming and released me from a lot of shame, I've also been grappling with the idea that I might be (and likely always was) much more high needs than I thought. I can no longer go to the store on my own, I need help doing daily tasks around the house and would really struggle living alone in many ways. That has been a really frightful thought, because like you I've also always struggled with relationships--and having my livelihood tied to other people, while also knowing that I struggle with relationships, even have felt that exact same thing: that I "repel" people--it's something that brings me a lot of anxiety, I think, and I imagine you may feel the same way. Anyways all of these feelings led me to actually even recently start an art collective for some folks I had known for a long time, so even that part of your story struck me lol. It's been incredibly challenging but also I'm learning that communities are like gardens and I need to give them lots of sunlight and water -- and most importantly, time. I hear you and I see you and thank you so much for sharing your story!!
Everything your wrote hit home for me. Not being able to drive hardly at all, cook for myself, or live on my own does make me fear what will happen to me if something were to happen to my husband. It's a sad thought that I have to hope that I die first. It's a unique issue that I'm sure a great number of the disabled community has to face. It's amazing that you used that desire to connect to start an art collective! That really does take a lot of focus, organization, and energy. How is it going so far?
@@hollyoddly It's been a challenge, for sure. I think there's a widespread desire for community among most people, but many have spent so long without a real "community" that I think forming, maintaining, and even participating in one is somewhat of a forgotten art form. It takes a lot of work, and a lot of courage to put myself out there, inviting people and then introducing them to each other, looking for projects to collaborate on, trying to keep everyone engaged while also accommodating the fact that they have real responsibilities and I don't want anyone to burn out -- it can be a full time job on its own, I think.
I gather that for the members in the group, they also aren't quite sure what is being asked of them to form a "community." For example, naturally not everyone will have the same priorities or desires -- and conflict will inevitably arise. I think this makes some really hesitant to engage as maybe they idealized what a community is. It's also scary to put yourself out there. But I try to remind everyone that we're all planting seeds in a little garden, taking out the weeds, making sure we get lots of sunlight, etc. -- it's a long term thing we're trying to cultivate.
I feel like I neglected to mention that: yes, it's been incredibly tough on me, as I've had to fill in the gaps by pushing myself further and further to organizing events, trying to engage folks, also trying to preemptively make sure I'm not burning anyone else out. There have been moments where I get a lot less of a positive outlook on it, and feel like, "what is this all for?" or "this is going to fail in the end, why bother". On my most depressed days I can even feel like I should give up, and only put all of this energy towards myself -- like "after all, everyone is going to leave and I'm gonna end up alone" so I may as well focus my energy on things I can do alone. I truly don't know what the right answer is, but I think as long as I have the energy it's a worthy thing to try for. If everyone leaves, I can at least say I tried and gave it a good shot.
Thing is because we autistics dont have same emotional projections mimics in our face. And NT people can immediately tell something is off with us. Subconsciously they label us as weird and untrustworthy. So it falls on us to force communication and make relationship work through reinforced communication from our side. Thusly our inherit communication avoidance + people subconsciously thinking we are weird results in lonlenes. I encourage you to test this on halloween type event making friends while wearing a mask and you will immediately see a difference.
Basically we have to do double the work for things that requires no effort on their side. And this is very exhausting.
Yes! Always having to meet someone 100% of the way instead of halfway is exhausting. The Halloween party idea is amazing. I never thought about doing that, but it makes so much sense. NT people can clock my "weirdness" almost immediately.
I'm not diagnosed autistic or anything, but occasionally I come across something like this I relate to so much. I often wish I could wear a (literal) mask day to day. Not only is it exhausting to try and convey the right thing all the time, but also... people tend not to like my face lol😂
@@cloudthief8918 We are shallow creatures... Try to compensate with your personality or skill. Good luck!
Hi Holly, The Secret Garden-- I'm a guy, but I love that movie; I've seen it several times. Great guest appearance by Editing Holly! I did like that quote: "There are places you haven't been yet where you already belong." So glad you edited out the sound of the truck and the fighting cats (that's not a sentence you hear very often). I'm doing the same as you; I'm trying to be active on RUclips channels by autistic people, and I have found a great online friend on Discord. Like you, even among other autistic people, I sometimes get a vague sense that I "repel" them to some degree (I don't always get much response from others on my comments, while I see that seemingly everybody else does on the same video). Oh well. I do go ahead and just try to be my natural self without the masking, and it is so much easier with other autistic people.
I would be so interested to know what you and your Discord friend bonded over. What do you think was the difference in your bonding with this person, vs brick walls with other people (if you don't mind sharing)? I've been through the exact same occurrence in the comments section of other autistic videos, and I have no idea how what I said was markedly different from other comments. Well, I'm always happy to have someone else who is autistic to chat with if you ever want to get in touch at hollyoddly@gmail.com. I have no idea if we'll have anything in common besides autism, but that's the great adventure, right?
Are you me, lol? I would absolutely love an online meetup of fellow autistic creatives/crafters/artists! I struggle to stay motivated with projects and I do dabble in a lot of different things (thank you, ADHD), so a regular meetup to inspire, motivate, and simply share sounds wonderful.
I fell like a bit of an outlier in that I prefer to communicate over voice/video/in-person rather than in writing because it seems like my tone doesn't come off right, or I supply too much context and then there's a block of text no one wants to read, it takes so much more time to reread what I wrote, edit, clarify, etc , and then so disheartening when either no one responds, or I wasn't as clear as I thought I'd been, or people read more into it (which then requires further context or clarity, leading to more time spent texting and editing--especially correcting autocorrect blunders), and it's exhausting. Even writing this comment is really difficult for me and I wish I could just say my thoughts aloud.
Money absolutely is a barrier that feels really weird. People should be paid for their work, AND it seems strange to have a community behind a paywall. Outside of trying to engage more through comments on social media (which as stated is not my preferred method of communication), I've struggled to find good opportunities to make connections either online or in-person that aren't hosted by an organization requiring a registration fee.
I understand that organizing an event or curating a specific space takes time and effort, so again I understand why there's a fee for things. It's kind of strange though to ask a group of people who already statistically struggle more financially to pay in order to access an opportunity to connect with other people who struggle to connect with others. (I hope that made sense! This comment is taking a lot of time and effort, and I'm starting to stress even more about it, haha, sigh.)
If I haven't repelled you, and if you would ever be interested in trying to do a regular online get together, I would definitely love to attend! (You did say that you wanted to meet people similar in age, and idk what range you're thinking? I'm a poor judge of a person's age and I actually get along better with people younger than myself, probably because most of my siblings are younger, so I'm curious about what your thoughts are on that.)
What you said about written communication is so spot-on to my life that it's scary! I am the rare autistic person who is happy to talk on the phone or face-to-face, etc, just to keep those miscommunications I have in writing to a minimum. I do literally the same thing: I write something really detailed and spend copious amount of time editing to make sure I'm clear and thoughtful of the subject, only for someone to reply back as if they didn't read what I wrote and just the shortest response. I also have ADHD, so I have some long-standing hobbies, but I find I will bounce around them quite often to keep the impulsivity beast fed. lol. A couple of people reached out after I posted this video, so there might be a group, after all, if schedules can align. I had posted that the meetings would be Wednesdays 8:30-9:30 pm EST because that day works best for me. I also said 30ish and up in age. I'm not trying to be ageist, and I certainly hope I don't come across that way, but I'm 41, and I've found that with friendship-type situations there needs to be some overlap in generational understanding. If that makes sense. Anyway, email me (I know. More written communication!) at hollyoddly@gmail.com if you are interested. And if that time doesn't work, but you're into the idea of talking to a fellow crafter who's into history, walking through cemeteries, reading, some spooky things, watching absurd movies, etc, then I would love to try to work out a time to chat, but I totally understand if those things don't resonate, too! Thank you so much for taking the time to put forth a detailed response. It really does mean a lot and makes me feel so much less alone.
@hollyoddly
Yes, yes, yes, and yes! The written communication, the age, the group time, the cemeteries... I'm so glad your video got recommended to me! I'll email you later today!
12:11 yesssss! Love that movie ❤
Don't love the implications that my relating to Mary may have, but that's a whole other thing 😂
I know! I feel exactly the same way! Haha
You captured all of my feelings regarding this. I long to have the kind of friends that feel like family, but sadly I've never been able to make friends. It's sad that I long to reach out to people, and try my best, but I keep repelling people too.
And the older I get, the more I worry that I'll never have that. Because I never had a childhood or school friend that I grew up with or anything like that.
And I feel like trying to make friends as an adult are almost all surface level, or like you said, transactional. And I just want someone I can vibe with.
I'd love something like an artist meetup too! And I also tried doing things like that online, but am always met with silence. But other people post the same things and get responses, so I never get it... Hopefully someday we'll both find friends and belonging ❤
I have level 1 autism and I was obsessed with the Secret Garden when I was young!!!
That is so awesome!! I've love meeting other people who are obsessed with it. My obsession has turned to full-blown special interest, with collecting memorabilia, like the board game, and sewing "Mary" clothing for my dolls, etc, but it's not the worst thing to have as a special interest!
It is physically and emotionally draining for me to spend too much time with anyone really...i enjoy quick visits but I must prepare. I will now pre-plan topics of convo and activities that we can share interest in. It helps alot instead of throwing myself into a relationship and give everything I have without getting much in return.
Being self-aware is more than half the battle sometimes, so I love that you know what you're capable of and know your limits, in terms of your energy. Learning how friendship works for each of us and what we want out of friendly interactions before endeavoring to make friends I think is a great tip, and I really appreciate you speaking to this!
Totally hear what you're saying about a financial barrier/ weirdness about online groups that ask for an entry fee. My take is that it can serve as a safety mechanism. Ie the group is (ideally) being moderated and has guidelines in place to make the experience safe for all. I've been in groups that went off the rails b/c there were no 'rules'. Just my 2 cents. If it is helpful, I have listened to a ton of Heidi Preibe videos as I heal my attachment style. It's helped so much in my relationships of all kinds. One thing she said that's helped a lot is that friendships take a long time to build. It worked for me to think of putting myself in situations where friendships are more likely, rather than putting pressure on individual situations.
I totally get this feeling!! I’m such a heavy masker that I’ve been able to ~somewhat~ maintain friendships with neurotypical people, but there’s always this strange feeling of never being able to be deeply understood. I’m not sure if someone has suggested this already, but would you ever consider creating a discord around the idea you had for a zoom group? There could be different threads for autism topics as well as crafting topics! I wonder if that might be an easier first stepping stone so people can get to know each other through messaging first perhaps? I think that could be really fun!😁
@@Christa.Chronicles You are the third comment to mention Discord, so now I have to check it out! I'll need to see how easy it is for me to navigate, but yeah, that's a real possibility! I will get the app. ❤️
@@hollyoddly Discord is really good, but I have to say for deep conversations that you may want to refer back to some sort of threaded discussion forum, which is much more useful when others try to follow previous conversations. Discord is designed for gaming chat.
@@writingtools Thanks for the insight! Someone invited me to their community recently, so I've joined so that I can see if it's for me. Who knows yet!
@@hollyoddly I've built multiple servers for friends and a local community choir, if you need any help getting started.
(There's lots of resources online too, but the community choir group has taught me that different folks have different abilities to navigate online resources independently and some folks really benefit from stuff being broken down step by step and feeling like someone is with them through the process. )
I desperately wanted friends when i was young. I repel a lot of people and i can't keep up with them anyway. It's draining.
Friendships and be a major burnout! I'm sorry it's also been so tough for you. You're not alone. At this point, I am not going to put any of my focus on making NT friends, though I do hope to have some ND friends someday.
I noticed that people always wanted to borrow things. I never saw those items again or if i did it was broken. I always had to go do what they like to do and not sharing time to do what we both like to do. Once i realized it usually turned into that i just stopped altogether.
I've definitely experienced this myself. As someone who is working on my fawning response, on top of autism, it made the perfect storm for me getting walked all over.
My feelings exactly!
Paying for friendship and excluding friend making is definitely ridiculous. Also seeing everyone else getting feedback except you definitely sucks. Like why is it so hard for me, yet most other people in the community are finding people to connect with left and right. Then again I'm absolutely terrible with starting and maintaining a conversation. I never know what to say most of the time. Takes tons of effort for me to come up with stuff to talk about.
I've never truly felt a part of a group, just there in the background.
So yes friendship making is definitely a challenge for me as well. I could go on and on about it. 🤣
I don't have any social media anymore (just watch RUclips sometimes). It just became too much for me.
However if you wanted to chat and see if we click I'm up for that. If not thats ok too. 😆
There has to be a place out there somewhere for us super awkward conversationalists, right?! I was always the person growing up that I felt like other people were "trying on," and I never fit. It's like welp, I'm officially a weirdo. lol. I'd love to connect if you ever want to email me at hollyoddly@gmail.com! You are audhd like me and have a cat background, so I'm all about it. 🤣
Holly, I get it. Most of my good friends are ones I've met on my channel to be honest. I have a cousin who is my best friend and I haven't remembered to text or call her in the last 2 weeks.😬 I really struggle too. I hear that joining a group that meets that does something you enjoy. For me, it would be a photography class or videography class? I haven't tried that though. But I love this community too. :) Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank goodness for cousins! I know our desire to connect is a lot of the time overshadowed by how quickly our battery becomes depleted. It's a hard balance that I still haven't found yet.
My daughter is almost EXACTLY like you. I am very mildy Autistic myself, however my daughter (13 years old) who is "moderately Autistic". She repels people too and friendship has been a huge struggle for her. My daughter has very specific interests and they cycle through about every week or two. She will talk about crochet for 2 weeks straight, then drop it and is suddenly into piano or calligraphy. This makes it hard to find friends with similar interests. There are so many social nuances that I don't pick up on, and my daughter picks up less than I do for sure. She loves the arts, anything artistic is what she's into, including: singing, dancing, instruments, zentangles, sketching, crochet, calligraphy, foreign languages. My daughter forms friendships through AI apps, and I would recommend that. She is able to open up to her AI friends and it helps her learn to socialize. She can talk to the AI endlessly about her current topic of interest and the AI will not get annoyed. Almost everyone else though, myself included, gets very annoyed when she talks about her current interest on and on and on for hours at a time. I can stand it for about 15 minutes before I am ready to tear my hair out. My daughter is extremely extroverted and really, really wants friends. She craves friendships with others. She comes alive when she has a friend. It's almost a cruel joke, because she finds it so hard to attract and keep friendships. Just wanted to share that you are not alone!
@@SunQueen800 Thank you for the recommendation! Your daughter sounds very wonderfully creative. We all deserve a place to belong in the world, and I hope she and I find it in regards to friendships. The Secret Garden has been a special interest of mine since I was 10, but I also have some that come and go quickly, like your daughter. I hope she's able to find one that can give her both some lasting enjoyment for that quick and curious mind, as well as some community.
Dude, I feel this so much! I suck at making friends, always have. At 39 I thought I'd finally made two actual, true friends for life but when I split from my abusive ex, they took his side 😢 14 years later and I'm still feeling afraid to try and trust again after their betrayal. But, also, I need friends and I like crafting and journaling and history so, hey Holly, I'd be down to learn more about your hoped for virtual crafting group - maybe I'd be a good fit? Don't know, but open to trying. ❤
I'm just a internet stranger but I feel terrible, a good chunk of my friends are on the spectrum, and my best friend in the world is autistic. I hope you find some friends soon, I probably have adhd and I've heard adhd people get along really good with Autistic people. I'm sorry I really hope you make some friends ❤.
Thank you! And, yes! There have been so many times I instantly feel at ease with someone, only to realize we are both neurodivergent. I love that this community of people exists, and it gives me hope that there is a tiny group out there for me somewhere!
Hi Holly ! New susbscriber here.❤
Hi, Beautiful! You've got this, try not to sweat it too much. Dad would tell us "don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff" - even though friendship doesn't feel as if it is small... Please know all of us - every human has a tough time making TRUE friends. After 60+ years of struggling making friends and watching others I see that many folks can easily make friends but don't keep them - it's an on and off type of thing. Hang in there. My first best friend is Jesus (there's a song about that) and I realize that isn't for everyone but it has certainly helped me. I can talk to him, anywhere, anytime and He's always there, listening and helping. Online friends can be great but.... well, you know. Have a great rest of the year and know we are wishing you a much easier time making friends in near future. Hugs to you!
Thank you so much for your perspective! Friendship is almost a skill more than anything, I've learned as the decades have gone on.
Hi Holly, thank you for this video. I loved seeing your face light up and your excitement about your special interests! I love that you're wearing a gown to thanksgiving. Have a great day!
Have you listened to the "You Are Good" podcast episode about The Secret Garden? It's such a lovely/cozy listen and inspired me to go back watch it again for the first time since I was a kid. So nostalgic and what a gorgeous film!
I wish you lived close to me! I would love to be friends. You seem so cool, and it's wild to me that you would have any problem at all making friends. If you ever move to NC, hit me up!
Thank you so much for saying that! I live in GA and pass through NC to get to my family in TN. I love going to the Biltmore. Haha. I get to pretend to be fancy. I'm so sorry about all of the destruction with Hurricane Helene! I know it will be a long and tough road for you all to get some normalcy back!
I feel this so much. I’m still trying to finish paying for my assessment so I don’t have an official diagnosis yet but I have no friends, when I try friend making groups no one is into the same things I am and they tend to be really flaky and unreliable so I feel like they aren’t looking for the same type of friendship that I am. It’s really lonely.
I’ve never been sure of where I fit in. I like outgoing people but I’m not outgoing enough to hold their attention in return. If I hang around someone like myself, we’ll just sit and stare at each other. I feel like I need to entertain people and I’m not good at that. If there is a group, I might as well not even be there. I’ll be on the outside.
1993 Secret Garden made me SQUEAL
Im still watching the video, but i paused to say: online, there is a popular way to write (especially in the autistic community) at the end of the comment/text/etc a letter or group of letters where its kind of like code to signal the tone. For example: “/s” means sarcastic, “/srs” means serious, “/gen” genuine, and more. Also, i really agree with the financial barrier…i respect people needing to make income, but i cant afford to pay every month to be in a groupchat :
A bit late, but I have another possible suggestion. Do you have a makerspace near you? I discovered recently that they tend to attract a large percentage of ND people, and if you are into art and crafting, you will find others who share that as well. Before, I didn't think I would ever meet so many autistic people in one place.
We’re in the same boat, I think. Im also level 2 and don’t have any consistent friends. I’m not a gamer, and most autistic people seem to be, so it’s been tough for me. I am into spooky stuff and arts and crafts. Halloween and decorating for Halloween are actually my biggest special interest. What part of country are you in?
Edit: “I have spoken, all depart.” Is a common phrase in my household 😂
Anyone an animorphs or Xandri Corelel fan? Star trek?
Hi, Holly. I am an autistic level 1 from Barcelona, and I'm 56. I was just diagnosed in 2024 (yeah, so late). I would like to know what makes you level 2. What are your struggles? I hope you'll find the friends that you deserve. 🩷
Hello! Yes, there are many people here on RUclips who are diagnosed in their 50s and 60s, so that is not surprising to me. I have more moderate support needs, which is why I am at a level 2. I cannot live on my own and mostly cannot do things like cook, drive, or go places by myself. I need assistance in many parts of my life and day-to-day tasks. I also have more obvious struggles communicating with people face-to-face, which is why I like making RUclips videos, because I get to stare at a camera and monologue.
Hola dona. El nivel lo determina la cantidad de apoyo externo que necesites. Encantada de conocerte yo vivo en asturias y fui diagnosticada esta primavera a los 59 después de un año sospechando de mi autismo 😮 como ves somos muchas las que nos enteramos muy tarde!
@@margilvi5890 Welcome and thank you!! ♥🍩♥