My lils I know I left you and all I was trying to so is stay. I was losing my grip the devil was breathing down my neck at evwry then followed me making me understand I was nothing . That I was the issue that I was already breaking you. I believed the liar the snake with the slick tongue . Thought it must be true for I was that from all the snakes mouths my whole life I was the common denominator in it all I was the problem without control. I was trying to save me to be there. To give everything that I never had I wanted my lils to have a family even at my expense . Little did I realize it would steal me from you and make me further away from you. I didn't know how to explain to you the situation you were Lil kids and I didn't want it to touch you. I know these may seem or come across to your minds maybe as excuses but this was my reasons my reasoning . Ultimatums flying that all I fought to keep together our family was gonna be for nothing all because I was the problem. Time and again called crazy and so many other things with threats of admitting me and taking away my lils. I couldn't lose them I couldn't lose not again. I didn't see any other options for the devil made none clear. Came in many forms with many faces. Went to a therapist multiple all same diagnosis. They didn't work me from low doses o. The mental meds they Doped me up straight up with 1000 mg of depakote added some seroquel Xanax trazodone zoloft mini press for night terrors sanphris colonapin hydroxyzine hell everything you can think of they doped.me up like I was the size of a horse it zombified me. Made me shut down couldn't athue back with the devil in this they reveled in the control they held over me. I was screaming out inside and was being stomped down by them in at my weakest using my heart against me. I wasn't taught how to cope just comply to keep from rocking the boat. Jokes at my expense I heard them all. Just kept confirming he devils words I could never escape. I was still in there I'm standing here before them today but I never felt anyone truly believed in me. Only a puppet I was wanted and that all I craved using my weaknesses my dreams against me. I didn't want to leave I didn't know it would take me away. Then I tried to fight against the meds I started weaning off and stopped them only for him to walk out after I found hard my way back to us and start repairing my family but them then felt punished for finally starting to love me for the first time in my life I started taking care of me and he walked out on them my lils and me and it broke me . I wanted to not pour my pain on to my lils and in turn I had been shut down before this time I it was the only other option I felt was at my reach for I never learned any other way. But then he stole them away from me I felt and I had nothing left the devil took everything that was my love away from me that's how I felt and turned them all against me this is how it seemed. I reached out but nothing reached back to me time and again. Punished punished punishment. When all you have ever been punished no matter what you do it makes you believe it's you your nothing they are better off without you 100% that you heard no different for when it's a broken record on constant play it becomes your mental reality. 💯 For someone who thrives off of love and loving it is complete destruction. I couldn't stand to be myself drinking became my next route for I was a pro at it in my teens and I felt well it gor me this far I'll drown it all out. The down fall of him walking I watched it break each one of my lils into broken and I couldn't protect them from that hurt and for mama that loves her lils more than anything that they had always been her dream blessings and mama couldn't protect them meant another failure and failure became who the Definition of who I was. A big walking talking failure. How fo you explain this to a Lil it's too much for them when so young it steals so much from them and I wasn't gonna break them more spewing all this onto them. Again this is my thoughts and they were loud just like the devil. On constant relentless making it clear. Becoming disabled put on more meds for the pain was torture I could think and doctors kept upping the does . I was fighting for my lils to get back to them but the does kept being upped. I was at the graduation. I was in a wheel chair but I was at both my boys . I wasn't gonna miss it no matter how bad the pain was I was at the graduations ! Except my daughter made to feel I wasn't wanted there. I tried to respect their decisions. It broke my heart. I even took pictures of my boys graduations. I wasn't gonna miss it for the world. I'm sorry you were made to feel differently or not know. But I own I left you you when you needed me and I'll forever live with it and have to answer to God for it. I can only pray one day we can heal but I can't ask your forgiveness for its unforgivable and I understand this 💯. I was the parent and I was drowning but it still doesn't take away I was the parent and my lils needed me. I take responsibility for failing you my lils I take the responsibility. I will do whatever it take to show you how much I have always truly love you madly that my lils. You are my heart always have been from the start that how I knee I had one was when God blessed me with each of you when I prayed for you to be a dream come true I hoped and wished for evwry one of my lils . God knows this truth and I can only hope and pray one day my lils will know this too. 🥺😢😞🙏🙏🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
This song hits home so hard rn. My mama just past from addiction.
I hope you and your family find light along the way 😢
Don't forget to Like and SUBSCRIBE ❤
My lils I know I left you and all I was trying to so is stay. I was losing my grip the devil was breathing down my neck at evwry then followed me making me understand I was nothing . That I was the issue that I was already breaking you. I believed the liar the snake with the slick tongue . Thought it must be true for I was that from all the snakes mouths my whole life I was the common denominator in it all I was the problem without control. I was trying to save me to be there. To give everything that I never had I wanted my lils to have a family even at my expense . Little did I realize it would steal me from you and make me further away from you. I didn't know how to explain to you the situation you were Lil kids and I didn't want it to touch you. I know these may seem or come across to your minds maybe as excuses but this was my reasons my reasoning . Ultimatums flying that all I fought to keep together our family was gonna be for nothing all because I was the problem. Time and again called crazy and so many other things with threats of admitting me and taking away my lils. I couldn't lose them I couldn't lose not again. I didn't see any other options for the devil made none clear. Came in many forms with many faces. Went to a therapist multiple all same diagnosis. They didn't work me from low doses o. The mental meds they Doped me up straight up with 1000 mg of depakote added some seroquel Xanax trazodone zoloft mini press for night terrors sanphris colonapin hydroxyzine hell everything you can think of they doped.me up like I was the size of a horse it zombified me. Made me shut down couldn't athue back with the devil in this they reveled in the control they held over me. I was screaming out inside and was being stomped down by them in at my weakest using my heart against me. I wasn't taught how to cope just comply to keep from rocking the boat. Jokes at my expense I heard them all. Just kept confirming he devils words I could never escape. I was still in there I'm standing here before them today but I never felt anyone truly believed in me. Only a puppet I was wanted and that all I craved using my weaknesses my dreams against me. I didn't want to leave I didn't know it would take me away. Then I tried to fight against the meds I started weaning off and stopped them only for him to walk out after I found hard my way back to us and start repairing my family but them then felt punished for finally starting to love me for the first time in my life I started taking care of me and he walked out on them my lils and me and it broke me . I wanted to not pour my pain on to my lils and in turn I had been shut down before this time I it was the only other option I felt was at my reach for I never learned any other way. But then he stole them away from me I felt and I had nothing left the devil took everything that was my love away from me that's how I felt and turned them all against me this is how it seemed. I reached out but nothing reached back to me time and again. Punished punished punishment. When all you have ever been punished no matter what you do it makes you believe it's you your nothing they are better off without you 100% that you heard no different for when it's a broken record on constant play it becomes your mental reality. 💯
For someone who thrives off of love and loving it is complete destruction. I couldn't stand to be myself drinking became my next route for I was a pro at it in my teens and I felt well it gor me this far I'll drown it all out. The down fall of him walking I watched it break each one of my lils into broken and I couldn't protect them from that hurt and for mama that loves her lils more than anything that they had always been her dream blessings and mama couldn't protect them meant another failure and failure became who the Definition of who I was. A big walking talking failure. How fo you explain this to a Lil it's too much for them when so young it steals so much from them and I wasn't gonna break them more spewing all this onto them. Again this is my thoughts and they were loud just like the devil. On constant relentless making it clear. Becoming disabled put on more meds for the pain was torture I could think and doctors kept upping the does . I was fighting for my lils to get back to them but the does kept being upped. I was at the graduation. I was in a wheel chair but I was at both my boys . I wasn't gonna miss it no matter how bad the pain was I was at the graduations ! Except my daughter made to feel I wasn't wanted there. I tried to respect their decisions. It broke my heart. I even took pictures of my boys graduations. I wasn't gonna miss it for the world. I'm sorry you were made to feel differently or not know. But I own I left you you when you needed me and I'll forever live with it and have to answer to God for it. I can only pray one day we can heal but I can't ask your forgiveness for its unforgivable and I understand this 💯. I was the parent and I was drowning but it still doesn't take away I was the parent and my lils needed me. I take responsibility for failing you my lils I take the responsibility. I will do whatever it take to show you how much I have always truly love you madly that my lils. You are my heart always have been from the start that how I knee I had one was when God blessed me with each of you when I prayed for you to be a dream come true I hoped and wished for evwry one of my lils . God knows this truth and I can only hope and pray one day my lils will know this too. 🥺😢😞🙏🙏🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥