How Praise Can Damage Your Child's Confidence
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- Опубликовано: 26 сен 2024
- We often shower our children with genuine praise to celebrate their accomplishments and also to boost their confidence, inspire them to explore, and raise them up.
But a fascinating study revealed that the way we praise our children can have a huge impact on their long term confidence and outcomes in academic and other areas of life.
In this video I'll walk you through the different ways in which we can compliment and praise children, and how these different approaches impact our little ones. Then we'll look at what appears to be a much more effective way to praise and encourage children based on the recent research.
As always, I hope you find this helpful!
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📖 Study Referred To In This Video
Mueller, C. M., & Dweck, C. S. (1998). Praise for intelligence can undermine children's motivation and performance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(1), 33-52. doi.org/10.103...
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What do you say to praise your little one? I like to praise my little ones on their effort and determination! They are very determined little souls! 😂
Don't forget to get your free Communication Milestones Chart here: brightestbeginning.com/communicationmilestoneschart/
I always tell my 1 year old son good job" lol. Thanks so much for your videos, they have helped me sooo much! It makes being a new mom not so scary lol!
It's my pleasure! Sounds like you are enjoying being a mum which is so nice to hear!
@@EmmaHubbard absolutely being a mom is honestly the best job in the world!!
I agree 🙂
@@EmmaHubbard After downloading the developmental milestones, any other chart i try to download does not work. Please help?
I tend to do a mix, sometimes it just easier to say "good job", but I can tell that being more specific has such a different and better reaction!
Today I had a perfect example. Our boy has been very bossy lately, trying out his boundaries and practicing his strong will (this is mine, you can't use that, you cant go on this slide, etc)
In the weekend he had struggles at a park sharing. We explained the park is for everyone to share and play together in. Today he was in a situation where another child wanted to join him on a play set. I could see his face think and reconsider. And he said "come play with me" Afterwards I said something among the lines of "it was so nice to see you share the playground today, you invited her to come with you. And she wanted to play with you because you were kind to her!" And he repeated the words " i was kind, she played with me!" And he looked so proud of himself!
This is such a great example! It's so nice when you see their proud little faces! It honestly makes my day when I see our little ones bursting with pride❤️
I’m really frustrated because I try to do this with my child however my husband thinks it doesn’t matter and when I showed him this video and what we should try to do with our child he just laughed at me. It sucks when both parents aren’t on the same page with parenting but I will be sure to do this with my daughter!
Even if he doesn’t do it, I think your child will feel the difference. By hearing your specific praises they’ll really understand like “wow mom is so kind and cares about my effort”. As a teacher, I only get to do so much while the kids are with me, but it does make a difference! They remember me and the words I used during that one year I have them.
@@dreaminginjapan thank you so much, you are very kind 🥺💜
I'm really holding back saying bad things about you husband. Sometimes they can be dickheads ☹️ keep doing what you're doing maybe he will learn something.
I am in an identical situation to yours. My husband and I don’t see eye to eye on multiple parenting styles/beliefs and it’s really, really hard. ☹️❤️
Hmm. Maybe it hit “too close to home” 🤔
My husband and I always praise the effort not the result.
E.g. if my toddler draws a picture i don't say "oh wow! You're an artist!" I say "you used the purple crayon to make your picture. I can see you worked really hard on that"
Or "you packed up all the toys, that was a lot of work. Well done!"
Love that!
Communicating in a way kids understand is so important. I was trying to explain to my 5 year old niece how to use her inhaler and told her "inhale on 3" so she would do that when I hit the button. On 3, she exhaled. And at first I was kind of annoyed because I thought I gave clear instruction. It took me just a quick second to realize she wasn't being defiant, she didn't know what "inhale" meant. Of course she didn't, she was 5 at the time! So I told her we could try again, and explained that inhale means to breathe in, and then I demonstrated. After that everything was fine. But it was an eye opener to me who hadn't given much thought to the words I choose when speaking to Littles.
Thanks so much for sharing!
I remember realising as a young teen how much being told I was smart when i was young really made it hard to deal with the times when I wasn't performing at that "smart" standard. Particularly with undiagnosed ADHD.
I'm the same. Undiagnosed ADD as a kid/teen/young adult and this really messed me up.
This is such incredible advice. It's taken a lot of unlearning, but my favorite things to praise my toddler now are, "Wow you've been working so hard on that. You did it, you knew you could. You should feel proud of how much effort you put into this. Look at how much you've improved since you started working on this." One of the best pieces of advice I got from this channel was that we don't have to praise everything all the time. I stopped saying "good job" every time he does something, and he doesn't look to me for validation. I was a "gifted" kid who craved validation and praise because I really did think I was loved for my intelligence. I did everything for praise. I don't want to make my kids feel the same way.
Sounds like you are helping to build your little one's confidence and belief in their own abilities without needing the external validation from others. This internal belief is going to help them throughout life!
Oh, these are such precise words! My students used to pause after literally every word they said seeking for approval on my part. Now I see that I had most probably exaggerated with this "good job", so that they got addicted to it.
Pardon the irony but well done! So nice to read your comment.
@@bkilg2509 I appreciate you! Unlike my son, I thrive on praise 😅
But how do you know when to validate, but more so when not to?
This definitely happened to me as a child and teenager. Any achievement was taken as granted because I was obviously smart enough for everything. Made me come home proud with my first bad mark ever, since it made me feel normal. Now I am a perfectionist shying away from challenging tasks, trying to build resilience from the ground up. Thank you for doing these videos so fewer parents make this mistake.
I turn 33 this year. I'm right there with you. We can heal and learn together with our children to create an even stronger foundation. It's literally the name of the game. Never-ending creation and destruction. Ouroboros.
Soooo true. Our system of assigning grades to students, regardless of whether or not we're referring to their effort or skill achievement, fixes their mindset one way or the other. Schools and institutions spruik growth mindsets and emphasise effort, but nullify all of that by assigning an arbitrary letter grade or number, or worse... grading effort with value-laden terms such as 'good' or 'excellent'. Institutions (and individuals) struggle to let go of old, redundant and either unproven or disproven methodologies because they're too damn stubborn, stupid or scared to lead the change.
Being the product of "you're so smart" i find myself saying something like when they figure something out or are working on something, "wow that was a smart way to do that, very creative!" It feels like I'm praising the effort but i don't know if its still toeing that line or not. Love the phrase recommendations .
Thank you for making this video. This is the kind of praise I was raised on (by parents who meant nothing but the best, of course!), and I've always had a hard time articulating the effect it had on me. You are spot-on.
Thanks for sharing!
Alfie Kohn’s book “Punished by Rewards” is a great resource about how to effectively motivate kids and avoid these pitfalls.
The Montessori way is such a great method to help grow kids. For the last 9 years, i praised my kids for every single accomplishment till i saw and read of the Montessori method of approach. Now i am woke and aware of my mistakes when i see my 7 year old daughter whine and give up when faced with certain challenges or tasks instead of giving it a try😅. Thanks for the effort put in this video!
I think something to consider about praising effort is that our society prioritizes effort and output to the detriment of individuals. It was indeed smarter for the kids to choose the easier task, as effective output for minimal effort is optimal in our capitalist society. That could be something taught when the kid is older, though.
For example, choose tbe college professor that is easy because graduate/law/med schools look at GPA and not the specific instruction yoy received. Again, a lesson tor an older child/teen.
I was just talking about this a few days ago! I have a 2 year old daughter who's behavior has changed so radically from bad to great and if I praise her these days she is even more cooperative. We live alone so I really want to have a good relationship and communication with my daughter.
Thanks for everything Emma!
This is such good information. It's kind of a habit to say "you are so smart" for us, so we need to work on changing that more often... thank you!
I'm still working on it! 😂 I actually caught myself today telling my 9 month old that she is so clever when she started clapping. It's just so easy to do! 😂
True
Now I think I understand where my anxiety, lack of confidence and Just general fear of doing any task, especially if its expected of me to do well.
This is an eye opening video for most of the parents out there.
Oh wow. This is the only video on how to praise children I’ve encountered that make sense, and fact based
I've been watching your channel religiously since I became a first time mom. Thank you for the terrific educational content. I truly rely on your professional advice to wade through so much other confusing opinions out there.
I had a yr 5/6 teacher tell my parents, during my (UK) SATs parents evening, that I had worked so hard to get my results and that I should be so proud. I got what I had strived for, but my anxiety had got the best of me and I wanted my parents to work out if I'd "only just passed", or if I'd actually properly passed...at 11yrs old!!!
Wow! glad i was able to see this video in time, I was recently making it a habit to call my toddler smart! Thank you so much!
You are so welcome!
So much!!! Choosing easy tasks to prove I'm smart rather than something to challenge me to become smarter
I think I did this as a child too!
Thank you so much for all of the resources you so freely offer. You help and encourage this mom every day. Thank you, bless you!
You are so welcome!
I came here to prepare for how to try and best raise my own expected little one, but this made me confront how I was raised, too.
I hope it helped a little.
Time will tell! Thank you @@EmmaHubbard
When I was a kid, the first grades my parents always looked at where participation and conscientiousness. They reenforced these two were the most important because they wanted a child who tried hard and was kind over a mean kid with a 4.0.
“Mindset” by Carole Dweck should be required reading for everyone, especially parents. It will completely undermine and redirect how you think about yourself and others. I didn’t read it until I was a mom but it would have benefitting me greatly as a perfectionist teenager.
It is fantastic and extremely interesting! Definitely changes your perspective.
Excellent video! Also, your wonderful advice reminds me of the wisdom of Haim Ginott and of Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish, who wrote books I referred to regularly, years ago when I began learning about how to talk/listen to kids. Thank you for all that you're doing here; it's wonderful. :-)
Thank you!
Such a great and helpful video! I've been unsure on how to best praise my toddler so this is really helpful. Do you have any advice on how to best support toddlers with speech delay? My 19-month-old shows a great understanding of language spoken to her, but doesn't repeat words back. Her only word is 'Dada'.
Thanks for sharing the study! Really helpful to know there's something to back up what I've been doing.
I often use adult words but try to explain it in easier language, rather than avoid using adult language entirely. I do have a tendency to over explain and add a load of caveats though, because I don't want my child to be too black and white in their thinking, but i know it usually results in info overload for a toddler! So I'm working on just saying 'this is known as xyz, which, most of the time, means abc'!
Thanks so much for sharing!
Fantastic! Yes I agree 100%! I always say “
You are putting in a great effort, “
Excellent!
Thanks, Emma. Your videos are always so helpful and informative.
Thanks so much!
Emma’s explanation is always easy for us as parents to understand ❤ thank you
I'm so glad!
I still vividly remember my embarrassment in my first year at a new school when I didn’t know the capital of Florida even though I was supposed to be “the smart kid”
Speaking to myself this way is even helpful 😅 thank you ❤
I really enjoyed this video- probably also because it doesn’t have a title telling me what I’m doing wrong as a parent for once!
Glad you enjoyed the video!
I love videos like this! It's something I wouldn't have thought of but makes perfect sense! I always want to do better as a parent. We are not born knowing how to do this and research into stuff like this should be more normal ❤
Thank you!
I’m looking for this topic , perfect timing
Hopefully it was helpful!
@@EmmaHubbard yes Thank you for making videos about toddlers
I m trying to change my habit. Thanks for info
What about affirmations? I am Smart, I am strong, I am cute , I am happy?
Just don't over praise. If they acttualy do somthing in excellence praise and be kind but don't praise when they haven't done somthing extordinary. My son knows the difference between throwing a ball well and not well. And he strives to always throw best now and hes only 2 and everyday i can imagine him one day breaking a window and me laughing and going through that .
I agree. I would also add don't under praise either. Give honour where honour is due.
ever since I've watched your video I'm very self aware of how I say these a lot. But it's really difficult for me not to say it because that's how I've been praise my whole life :/
what if you use both? e.g. "that test was so hard but you did it! You're so smart." - does the "you're so smart" comment affect their thought process even though you've praised their efforts? Just curious.
I want to know that too.
I think Emma is emphasising the specific effort or strategies the child put into the task, so rather than saying, "the test was so hard, but you did it! You must be so smart", it might be better to say, "the test was so hard, but you did it! You worked really hard!" Or "you concentrated so well!" Or "you didn't give up!". By just saying they must be smart suggests their natural ability got them through, rather than the effort it took for them to get there.
Don’t dumb down language, just explain what words mean and strengthen their vocabulary
i always say good job and i’m so T I R E D of it !! thank you sm for this video ♥️
No problem!!
But when you tell them " good job" You are praising their effort or am i wrong?
hello! do you know if emma has a book with all the contents of her videos? i find her truly inspiring and would love to have all the information in a same place
Great video!!!
Glad you liked it!
How to do this witb15 months kid???
That's because those kids alreadyy know "Work smarter, not harder"😂😂!
Lol, im just joking around😅
😂
My baby is almost 15 months old but he doesn’t react to his name..though we have been calling him baby and other pet name for some time.. but am worried.. I tell everyone to call him by his name but he ignores..
Is it applies on ADHD kids
I agree on some of it, but if it’s objective and a kid has really done something great is it really bad to say ‘oh wow, you are such a great kid, look at everything you have managed to do, you are so intelligent, blah blah’? For me it was a part of my parents love language to me and it is a part of my love language to my kids… not sure if it really traumatised me I was told I was smart… i guess you just don’t have to overdo it?
I am not receiving any of the charts 😢😢😢
I see a lot of myself in this video
Oh, no, we say this. And our older one is already worried he will not achieve this status in the upcoming school year.
It's never too late to change how you praise your child. It just takes a little conscious effort on our part to remember, as it's so natural to compliment them based on their intelligence.
@@EmmaHubbard thank you for the information!
I am not getting the milestone chart in my mailbox. What's the reason?
It might be in your spam/junk folder?
@@EmmaHubbard I anticipated the same and had checked, it wasn't there as well.
Praising a child for being smart is essentially praising them for the LACK of effort they can put into things, which is the opposite of what we want.
Thanks for sharing.
while i agree with the main message here im going to have to disagree with the statement that we should only speak to a child using simple language. the argument that it's like talking to ur child in a foreign language is kind of dumb because there is nothing wrong with talking a foreign language its, if anything, beneficial for them to be exposed to new and complicated things. while i think its important to remember the limitations of what they understand and use simple language stratigically when its likely to lead to frustration otherwise, its not beneficial long term to dumb everything down
Agree. Challenge is what makes us grow. Best thing to facilitate this is to teach your children that it's fine for them to say 'I don't understand ', so you know when to explain.
Has Carol Dweck's study been replicated by others in the field? The results are so dramatic they make me a little skeptical
Guess I'll take that as a "no"...
Mean while in Asian communities parents almost I'll wish there children
Far out this was like a therapy session. I was always told i was smart as a child, not that I had tried hard. I would push myself spending double and triple the amount of time on school work as my peers to make sure I got A's because i thought that would get me positive attention from my parents. But my effort wasnt seen. I was always praised for being smart, and yes I did avoid challenges that my threaten me from being perceived as smart...and its followed me into adulthood. I have been really stressed about a task at work at the minute, all because I find it challenging and think I may not be able to perform "perfectly" at the task. My whole life seems to be driven by a desire to be perfect, rather than challenged. I will definitely remember to praise my children for their effort, rather than "being smart" when i am a parent.
This is tough!! I watched the video about "be careful" and now I like cringe when I say it! Lol I like that these videos bring things to my attention that I had 0 clue about, so heloful!
I love this! I’m also a teacher and would have loved to have learned this in university
Thank you for sharing this information.i have a 2 y.o. and have been watching your videos since before she was born. So much good you are doing! Please don't stop.
Thanks so much!