BEATING BULIMIA | MY EATING DISORDER STORY
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- Опубликовано: 7 фев 2025
- My road to beating bulimia was NOT easy. Eating Disorders are very real, very dangerous and not discussed nearly enough. I am so passionate about bringing awareness to the addiction that almost took my life. Thank you so much for being here and for hearing my story. Please share this with anyone you think it may help. ILY
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While eating disorders are devastating, the differences between them are striking. I struggled with food anxiety for many years. It's not very well known, but just as in my case, it's due to a traumatic event or multiple traumatic events involving food or sickness, etc. In contrast to anorexia & bulimia, "safe foods" in food anxiety can literally save your life & they're used in the opposite way to in anorexia or bulimia. Someone with food anxiety often limits their foods to ones they're comfortable eating that won't trigger their issue, then you can gradually add in foods from there. So while "safe foods" are a red flag in anorexia & bulimia, "safe foods" are a tool & a lifeline for people with food anxiety. The other reason someone may develop food anxiety is stressful life events, so the stress expresses itself through aversions to food. That's how my first bout of food anxiety started; when I was nine years old, we moved away from my cousins, Aunt, Uncles, grandparent & friends. I physically struggled to get food down. The stress just put me off food for weeks. It eventually calmed down, but then the food anxiety was triggered again during a couple of traumatic events while away on charity work when I was 17 yrs old. I stupidly tried to get a fire going again, but the smoke blew back in my face, causing fluid on the lungs! I had to sleep propped up to stop my body trying to make me throw up, but not being successful. I've always had a fear of throwing up, so that was trigger number one. But then, I developed trouble swallowing for the same reason. That was trigger number two. I was then in the clutches of food anxiety constantly for about 10 yrs. And nobody had any concept of it back then, we're talking almost 30 yrs ago! Many medical professionals still don't know much about it. But it's no less debilitating than other eating disorders. And while I've recovered now for the most part, when I get sick, like now (I've got COVID again), if my appetite is affected the food anxiety rears it's ugly head.
Even though I can’t relate to bulemia, I watched this video because I was curious about you after seeing your part 1 & 2 birth story of your son. I was wrecked after watching that- I had snot and tears all down my face, puffy cheeks and everything. I just bawled. Thank you so much for sharing. I wanted to see a bit more of your content and I was interested in your bulemia video because I’ve been battling disordered eating, anorexia, and morbid obesity my entire life for as long as I can remember. Honestly most of my childhood memories center around some form of bullying from family or friends, or behaviors I would attempt to control my eating, nights I would spend crying and obsessing over how I could change, fantasizing about how amazing my life was going to be when I could get skinny (your intrusive thought comment really hit home). I had friends try to teach me how to become bulemic in middle school, but at the time I just wasn’t able to make myself throw up and that really devastated me. (Now as an adult I understand why I was unable, but it’s just like you said- the less specific details shared about the mechanisms of the illness are better left unsaid. I respect that about your video so much) However, I did find another way. I began feeling weak all the time, my nails stopped growing, my hair started falling out, my periods stopped, and I was even having severe fainting spells often, but everyone kept telling me I was doing an amazing job. Everyone said I looked fantastic. I had this very small pair of jeans that I always wished I could be small enough to fit into and I thought- the day I squeeze into these, I will know I’ve “made it.” I tried them on and they were too large. The feeling was indescribable and instead of thinking that “I can stop now” it only fueled my behavior more. Guys would tell me I was so beautiful for the first time in my life. I quickly realized that I was still the same person inside and only my shell had changed because even though I was small I was terrified of people seeing my body exposed in any way because they would find out that “I’m not really skinny, it’s just some sort of illusion but when my clothes come off I will suddenly be the woman from shallow Hal.” Such warped thinking…at some point I became pregnant with my first son and I could no longer do this. It was extremely painful for me to have to endure 9 months without my sick eating habits because I do not know how to consume food in normal healthy quantities without either gaining a massive amount of weigh and overeating constantly, or starve myself and militantly restrict to the point of danger. Needless to say I gained over a hundred pounds during my pregnancy. I had gone so long without food, plus pregnancy hormones, plus insecurity and emotions that I couldn’t manage, it was a recipe for disaster. My highest weight got up to 315lbs. After he was born I got down smaller than I had ever been. Since then I got back up to 310 after my second son, and I finally said ENOUGH! I am tired of bouncing back and forth between being these two different people- well really one sick person but the world perceived me in two totally different ways depending on my weight. Unlike you, my eating disorder was always encouraged, praised, rewarded. I don’t blame anyone- they didn’t realize how severe or unhealthy I truly was. I eventually realized that my ups and downs were a physical reflection and manifestation of my underlying bipolar disorder. Having that understanding really did a lot for me and I’m not exactly sure why, but it helped me to separate myself from the side effects of this physiological condition that I was trying to cope with, kind of like what you said therapy did for you. Some interesting parallels…About seven or eight months ago I had a sleeve gastrectomy and I’m currently at 175lbs which for some folks might be on the bigger side still but for my height and frame it’s actually pretty comfortable, but I’m still losing quite fast. I am never hungry. I eat when I want to. I stop when I’m full. It’s been such an amazing blessing to have had this surgery and I’m so glad you never needed medical intervention (besides therapy of course) because it definitely comes at a cost. A well worth it cost, but still, it’s permanent. But I just wanted to say you have a beautiful family and a warm, informed way of sharing your knowledge and experience so I thank you for sharing that. I wish success for your channel, I wish all the best to your children and husband, I wish you the best with your spiritual walk, and god bless you. 🙏🏻
Such an amazing story of your strength & commitment to yourself. Keep believing in yourself. You are a strong & beautiful person. 😍
@@BlueAriesJewelry thank you 😊 🙏🏻
Very inspirational. You are an intelligent and caring and beautiful woman.
Thank God your dad loved you so much and didn’t care how mad you were at him. If you would really feel comfortable sharing your story with your abusive relationship I think it would help so many people. Just like all of your other videos you are truly a beautiful person!💕
I just love you Lela! Thank you so much 🤍
Hi Rachel. Thank you for sharing. Please do a video on your 1,5 year toxic relationship. I love hearing and seeing, you talk. You're a wonderful person 💕
You are Amazing. I'm a mum to a 21 year old who is going through this. This video has really helped me to understand her more. Thank you Thank you ❤
I am so grateful I was able to help you Beth.
Hello Rachel. Im also Rachel. Im 35 and live in Montreal Canada. I recently discovered your channel. You see ive been working as a specialized educator working with adults with intellectual disabilities for now almost 14 yrs.. so initially your life with ur family including ur son with celebral palsy is what reached my heart... Anyhow i want to thank you soooo soooo much for this video. I (ashamed to say) have been living with bulimia and general anxiety disorder since my teens. Mental heallth especially eating disorders are soo tabooo within society. Soo much judgement, labelling (through various behaviors) etc... are projected towards us which creates sooooooo much shame i must say. :( And bulimia (in my opinion) is even lless talked about... Anyways sorry for all my blablabla. Thank you soo much again. :( Since 2014 i have actively been working on myself... eventhough i still have the binge and purge part of the bulimia still in my life i have made alot of progress mentally and all but ouuuffff ya. If ever you need a friend or someone to vent to or talk to feel free to message me rachel. dont hesitate. it will be my pleasure friend. xxxx
God bless you for your transparency! I pray you reach millions of people both women and men! You are such a good person. I really like you, and your family! 🦋👍🏻❤️
I'm so happy for you and how far you've come. I wish talking about addiction wasn't so taboo, if it wasn't I feel like it would be less common or easier to catch sooner; maybe I'm wrong. Either way I'm proud of you and thank you for talking about it!
Thank you Nikke! That means so much! I agree, I hope we can continue to raise awareness. You're amazing!
I spent so many years dealing with bulimia, and years later is still deal with effects of it, even though I've been recovered from it for years. It's a rough thing to deal with. Thank you for being so open.
Thank you for sharing your experience Katie. I'm so sorry for your battle with ED. You are so strong 💗
Thank you for making this as someone who has struggled with disordered eating for a while but am on the over side. Just want you to keep being healthy for yourself and your family. You ARE smart, you ARE ambitious, you ARE beautiful and you ARE VALUABLE. Lots of love
I’m truly so proud of you.
I love you so much.
You are a wonderful couple with 2 beautiful kiddos, I’m glad your birth video about Beckham’s start in life jumped out at me which got my heart pounding & I haven’t been able to stop watching & y’all are in my prayers🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
So much love for you! Thank you so much for sharing. I appreciate those like you who are so vulnerable and real in sharing your stories about your own personal struggles. It helps more than you know.
Thank you so much Vixy! That is so incredibly kind of you to say. I genuinely hope it feels those also struggling feel less alone!
oh wow... I didn’t realize that I’ve been restricting for years now because of my fear toward foods. I only eat dinner but never viewed it as subconsciously starving myself so that I don’t gain more weight Rach.
You’ve described bulimia in a nutshell! Love your honesty ❤️
Thank you Lindy!!
@@HeyRachelHughes ❤️
Thank you for sharing your story so glad to hear how far you’ve come and you look absolutely amazing and your spirit just seems so bright
You are so inspiring Rach. I’m so proud of you! I would love a video on how to recognize and avoid disordered eating thoughts and behaviors ♥️
I love you, Les! I will definitely do a video on that topic. Thank you so, so much for supporting me!
So proud of you 🤍🦄 I’ve had anorexia since I was 12 (I’m 22 now) and I struggle with it every single day.
Sending you so much love XO
Amazing Rachel! I am so proud of you.
ILYSM
Thank you for sharing. I'm so so proud of you. Eating disorders are so incredibly hard to overcome. 💕Brandi
So proud of you I struggle with a food addiction
You’re amaze! Thank you for sharing and bringing awareness 🤍
Love you babe. Thank YOU for doing the same!!
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us you have probably helped so many people with bringing awareness to bulimia look at you know I wonderful husband and two beautiful kids you should be so proud of yourself of how far you have come you are awesome and it just shows that you can have a healthy relationship with food XX I definitely believe that food can be an addiction are used food to make myself feel better as I am an emotional eater but I am overweight but have been making steps towards changing my lifestyle and eating a healthier diet I have lost 3 1/2 pounds this week just need another 2 lb and I have Lost a stone and that is an achievement for me it is a long road but I will get there thank you for being such an inspiration to me and showing me that you can change your life XX
I am so proud of you Claire! You are so sweet and I am so grateful I've been able to help make a positive impact in this space! XO
I truly believe I am a foodaholic! I don't have a day that I am not continually thinking about what food I'm going to eat! Most times when I eat I am out of control and rarely feel full. It is a constant battle physically and
Emotionally,and mentally! The desire to be loved is so strong that I turn to food to fulfill that desire and need. I am in the process of changing my mindset towards food...it is a journey and a process requiring one step at a time.
@@skrall9366 I am so incredibly sorry for your struggle and entirely understand how you feel! I promise it is possible to fill that void with something else even though it takes time to navigate that transition! If you’re able to, I encourage you to see a therapist! ❤️ YOU CAN DO IT! You are not alone!
@@skrall9366 yes I know exactly what you mean I feel like I have a daily battle with food I am eating one meal and I’m thinking about what I’m going to have for the next but planning what I’m going to eat definitely helps me XX
So brave and beautiful of you to share. Thank you for posting this ❤️.
Thank you Kelly! Sending you so much love!
@@HeyRachelHughes 🤗 as a first time mom and someone who's also in recovery, I'd be curious to hear how motherhood has affected your relationship with food, body image, and self-esteem. If you'd be willing to share!
Starting to watch some of your older videos because I love your content so much. Congratulations on your divorce from ED. You have been through so much and you really are an amazing woman. I really like how you speak on these serious and important topics on your channel and then also do things like Lululemon hauls hehe you are definitely so relatable. Not sure if you are still planning to do a video on your abusive relationship, but I feel like it would a good video to do to help someone struggling with that. I know for myself, I was in an abusive relationship from about 17-20 years old but there was no such thing as social media or RUclips (yes, I’m that old haha) and I just know if there had of been and I could have watched someone talk about their experience then I would not have stayed in that relationship for as long as I did. Love you girl! 😘
Jennifer, thank you so much for watching! I am so grateful you are enjoying my content. I am seriously so happy to have you here! I am so sorry that you were in an abusive relationship. That just hurts my heart and was actually the exact same age I was, as well. I will definitely will be filming that video.. just still working up the courage to do so.
Thanks Rachel, I’m so glad I found your channel 😘 For sure, I totally get it. It takes so much courage to tell your personal story of abuse. All in your own time girl.
Great story of success and perseverance. As the mother of three girls this was enlightening.
Thank you for making this video. We have almost identical stories...take out cheer/dance and replace it with track/cross country. I call the disorders "monsters"... Luckily I have separation from that life as well. I'm new to your channel but I love the content that I've seen so far.
Heather, I am so grateful to have you here! You are so kind 🤍 I’m so sorry for your experience with ED.
Thank you for sharing so eloquently.
I like to say I have two different Ed’s….the bulimic Ed and the obsessive macro tracking Ed. And i am either living with one or the other. I have been in and out of therapy for years but I’ve never found recovery. Sometimes I feel like Ed is all I have …. I feel so disconnected from life sometimes. This video … it gave me hope.
I love you so much. I am so, so sorry you are going through this. There really is life after addiction. I promise. If you can, seek professional help and don't give up trying to recover. It will come. "By small and simple things, are GREAT things brought to pass."
Hi Rachel,
I like to get back to the source, the actual cause of mental health problems. There is a strong association between eating disorders and adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), especially with childhood sexual abuse (CSA) and bulemia. CSA is yet another area of extreme secrecy affecting women and men in far greater numbers than most people realize and is the likely source of so many mental health issues. If you are interested, I have a lot of resources as this is my field of study. You and I share so many common experiences!
My goal is to protect and to preserve the innocence of children as children are the future of the world! Thank you for all the work you do to better the lives of all children and families!
You are wonderful xo
Cynthia
Hi Rachel! I’m new to your channel. I have never really dealt with weight loss issues such as restricting or anything, so I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through. I can tell you’re a strong woman and I’m so glad you got the help you needed! Congrats on 6 years clean! I have a question, when you were pregnant and if you got sick as most pregnant woman do early on, did those feelings come back? Or were you able to work through it? Or did it not bother you at all? I hope this doesn’t bother you or bother anyone else by me asking. If it’s none of my business, I totally understand. And it’s probably not. I found your channel through the birth story of your son and then I watched this and that question came to me. My heart goes out to any boy or girl struggling with this addiction. And again, I’m incredibly proud that you made it through to the other side. 💖🥳
Sarah, I am so grateful you are new to my channel! Thank you so much for being here! ❤️ I appreciate your love for what I went through with my ED! You are so kind! I fortunately only got sick in my first trimester between weeks 6-12 with both babes! I was slightly more sick with Blakely! I was able to work through it! You can reach out to your doctor for medication and be sure to stay on top of snacks and water throughout the day! It will Help so much! ❤️
You did such a good job explaining and encouraging. I showed this to a friend I know is struggling and the only thing she could say was that you were beautiful and thin even after having 2 children so you didn't need "Ed" anymore. What can I tell her?
I can relate. I was the 'chubby' one in my family. I look back at old photos and think, "I wish was that 'chubby'." I wasn't even chubby. I just lived with a bunch of walking skeletons. Also, in my high school years and early 20's, I was the 'cool' girl, not the 'hot' girl. I chased a guy for 9 years and when he didn't reciprocate, I figured it was because I was 'chubby'. Ironically, he married a girl with a figure that was similar to mine. I probably had 'disordered eating' at times. Luckily, it didn't turn into an eating disorder. But, it could have if I didn't just accept that I was the 'chubby' one in the family. I grew up with 11 siblings and I had to grow a 'thick skin', early on. I did have some actual 'chubby' times in my life. I am 5' 3" and at my heaviest, I was 166 pounds. But, for most of my life, my 'chubbiness' was probably an illusion that I heard and believed about myself (and still do, at times). It's sad. I just accepted it, though, while others have a more difficult time. I decided to try to be funny, instead of 'hot', as I figured being 'hot' wasn't attainable for me. My comedy (not professional, by any stretch of the imagination) has been a work in progress. That said, some of my family members are just naturally funny and maybe, I inherited some of those genes.
Thanks sweetie ❤️
You are so inspiring❤️
You are truly beautiful inside and out ❤️
Thank you so much 🥺❤️
❤
I struggled with bulimia for 8 years I've been in remission for five years
Since your addition was so “strong” and so desired by you, how were you able to stay in therapy, do what you needed to do, and come out a winner? I am thinking that you didn’t want to give up your addition. Like if someone NEEDED to quit smoking but didn’t WANT to give up smoking, or something like that. With “ED” being so abusive, how were you able to “get away” from him? I apologize for such a personal question. Thanks
When you said SUBSCRIBE , I remember 💡 💡 💡, that I hadn't, even if I had watch many vlogs of you.. But I didn't it immediately.. 🤓🙄🤔🤗
I am so grateful you subscribed! Thank you so, so much! That means the world to me!!
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Yes can y please please please do a video on how y dealt with your over eating and walk us through how y handle it and how y dealt with it each step of the way.Thank y so much I really appreciate it so much