Especially through my grandpa's passing. Needed someone there to support and be there for me. That was the day I noticed my ex was not a person I can rely on.
I just had a former close friend tell me (while I was at the hospital getting treatment for a serious illness) that she couldn’t spend time with me anymore & didn’t want to hear about my illness anymore. This was a month after I threw her a baby shower. She said to me she didn’t want “that (sick) energy” around her & needed to “protect her baby”. This was a friend who leaned on me for every ailment, fight w her partner, etc. I went w her to almost all her sonogram appointments & an OBGYN appointment. The day of my first ever surgery, she did not even bother to check in w me. When I let her know that didn’t feel good, she replied, “I was busy. Sorry you overreacted.” I realized I had ignored MANY signs that she is a narcissist & cut her out of my life. It was so disheartening to be treated that way by a friend I treated so well. But with narcissists, when you cut them off, it’s SUCH a relief after. You realize how much energy they were sucking from you & can heal.
wow! I am so very sorry your friend did this to you. I really believe many people like to live in denial of what's going on around them. As long as reality keeps hitting them in the face (e.g. your illness, someone wearing a mask because of COVID, etc.), they have a hard time ignoring it, and it angers them. It's a trigger. They suck. In any event, I hope you're doing better. I think by not having her in your life anymore will now leave room for better people to come into your life ♥
I was thinking WOW too. That’s horrible!! I’m glad you finally saw the signs and cut her off. She’ll be back and wonder “why” you’re not talking to her. Sorry that happened to you and hope you are doing ok with your illness too.
Had a "friend" do that to me too. Then I found some sh^t she posted online about hating this person, that person, and some other person here, there, somewhere else... And in each scenario, the person she hated had literally done nothing wrong at all. Some people are just plain psychotic.
Yep my narc/raging alcoholic ex-gf or whatever she was sent me a text last december saying "i'm an abusive liar". Thats funny considering it was her who was abusive and lied to me. Not the other way around.
Yes that’s so hard. Mine would bring flowers 💐 then when I got home he was nowhere to be seen to help or even get a meal. He’d sit slightly behind me at the drs & roll his eyes & I didn’t realise he was doing it until one day I could see his reflection in the window as he did it. That’s when I realised why the drs weren’t taking me seriously……. I could have died because of him undermining me.
Over time, you learn to: 1) Minimize or not mention your issues 2) Keep going like the Energizer bunny even when you're dying 3) Never, never, never ask for "help" 4) Make your own contingency plans 5) Realize that they don't give a rat's butt about you For many of us, a serious illness is often a wake-up call, and the "drop" that pushes us over the vase--and out of the relationship. Illness IS the ultimate test in a narcissistic relationship. Ironically, the longer you stay in one, the sicker you get.
Serious illness is often the "drop" that pushes us over the vase--and out of the relationship. Illness IS the ultimate test in a narcissistic relationship. Ironically, the longer you stay in one, the sicker you get.
The ex-narcissist taught me to not count on him for any support, practical assistance, empathy and I recovered from a life-crippling illness under my own steam after 5 years. After I divorced his sorry ass, he whined to me : I felt like you didn't need me! Seriously, there's no pleasing those c*nts. 🤣
Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it..
there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.
"What's wrong with you now?", was always my favorite. I'd be throwing up over the commode and he'd walk in and say with disgust, "What's wrong with you now"
When my appendix went bad and made me sick, I was confined in the hospital for three days after the surgery. The wife was mad as hell and woke me up screaming at me.
My crime was getting pancreatic cancer. The narcissist first tried to take me to court to get control of mums money, after all my illness was causing him stress. I was apparently a martyr. When I survived he was very disappointed....poor baby. So then he labelled me a control freak for not dying 😮
You all have got to fix your laws out there, across the pond. Lots of bad things can be said about the US, but at least here, spouses don't get a say in what happens to our own parents' estates.
@@justrosy5We have no control over the lawmakers in the U.S. just like you all don't have control over the lawmakers "across the pond. Knock it off with the bullsh*t platitudes and false pride about something you had nothing to do with. You did not create the laws that you are subjected to live by.🙄🙄
This happened to me. I drove myself to the hospital with pneumonia. After our divorce, he lost his next supply by being cruel to her for having a kidney infection.
My mother was dying from cancer (she is now healthy 🙏🏼🥰) and I remember one night I cried all night long and he didn’t even try to comfort me…the next morning he only said “I’ll sleep tonight on the couch I neeeed my sleep) 😢now I am narc free!! 🎉 and don’t need the devil in my life anymore 😊
They’re unbelievably cruel and self serving people. It’s unreal to reflect upon behavior such as this. I’m sorry you didn’t have the support you needed when you needed it. I’m sorry you went through this.
When I told my husband that my back is bad and that Dr said I'm heading for a wheel chair. His reply when I asked if he understood what I said (as he had not responded at all) "yeah, more work for me"... Were now separated.
My mother literally complained about having to buy or cook foods/recipes that I wasn't allergic to if she was doing the buying/cooking and expected me to eat the same foods as everyone else. MAKES NO SENSE.
A my former best friend of 47 years, covert narcissist, and I were planning a trip of a lifetime. I suffer from radiation disease (from cancer treatments) and as a result have developed congestive heart failure. The cardiologist advised that it would be better to do a stop over rather than take an 11 hour flight. When I told her this, she screamed at me stating she would NOT be inconvenienced by my health issues, and would not fly on an airline where she would have to make a stopover and/or not earn her frequent flier points (NOTE: This narcissist female lifetime friend of 47 years is worth north of 50 million dollars). D-O-N-E with her. Thanks Dr. Ramani, I would not have known what was happening, what she was, and most importantly start to END IT without your guidance.
Just hold on a little longer. Next year will be better and the year after that will be even better than that. The rest of this year is going to be very rough though. Hold on just a little longer until this storm blows over. Judgement from above has arrived. The destruction of the proud in heart is at hand.
They’ll put you on a pedestal just to throw you off of it and watch you fall. Their abuse is so disorienting and it all worked when I was little. As I became aware of who he was/what he was doing, to manipulate, dominate, and control me, I knew I had to get away and take care of myself. I stopped beating myself up for not seeing it sooner when I realized I had absolutely no way of knowing as a child. Healing is a brave journey we begin and we realize our worth along the way.
Thank goodness I walked away!! As an Empath, certain things started to not feel "right". My gut instincts were sending out alarms. Of course, the Universe has a timeline for me to figure out things and it all finally came to fruition. Thankfully, I don't have to worry one itty bitty second about any of that anymore. Yipppeeeee! Writing new chapters with excitement. Moving forward with my whole self...heart, soul, mind, and body. ❤
When I went through breast cancer I had my Ex drive me to the hospital for my treatments because I was so scared. He was so pissed and angry while driving me. But as soon as I was in the treatment room and the doctors and nurses would walk in he would come over and hold my hand so he looked like a good person in front of them. I was so confused back then and I didn't know what a narcissist was.
I remember when I was in the hospital after my appendectomy. I was in the hospital for almost a week and he kept trying to get me to ask the surgeon to let me go home . But I didn't want to go home because being in the hospital felt like a vacation (that sure speaks volumes!). So he actually called the surgeon himself to try to get him to let me go home so I could do housework and take care of the kids.
After having lost our first baby at 5½ months pregnant I sat crying and full of fear of losing another one, too. In the waiting room bleeding with my next pregnancy my narcissist hubby sits next to me and says, 'You don't need to have to worry about me being cross if you lose the child. I already have two kids'. He had two kids with another woman who hated me. Charming for a husband of 8 months, wasn't it? I had my healthy daughter 4 months later AND a beautiful son 2½ years later. They are 26 and 28 now and great people. We are divorced since 18 years and that was the best that ever happened to me.
When I was in my second year of university I won an award (basically it was given to the top 1% of students in my entire country). I was so excited, but when I told my ex he looked at me and said laughing "so? Am I supposed to congratulate you or something?". I was just 19 and in my first serious relationship. I didnt know how to react to that. So I just looked down trying to hide the tears and said that of course not, he didn't have to congratulate me. A few years later I graduated Summa cum Laude and on the way to the fancy dinner my parents were hosting for me, he looked PISSED. I asked what was wrong and he said that surely I had to be aware of the fact that HE was not graduating yet, and that how did I think it made him feel to see me graduate and have everyone congratulate me. I arrived at the dinner trying to fix my makeup and look happy after having a 45 minute long fight over my academic accomplishments. Yeah... He sure was a keeper that one.
17 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer in my eye, and had to travel to CA from MT for surgery and radiation treatment, requiring a 1-month stay in CA. He turned it into a vacation, dragging me all over CA visiting relatives, friends and tourist attractions all as I couldn’t see due to the cancer treatment. Doctor prescribed ointment in my eye 4 times a day and he refused to do it. I had blurred vision, and he wouldn’t help me.
My ex used to expect me to care for her 24/7 when she was sick - even when all she did was sleep I had to be there while she didn't even ask me if I needed anything when I was sick. Never again would I put up with any kind of double standard.
Ever stopped to consider that women don't exist to coddle you, and that she was actually sick and too worn out from being sick to take care of you??? You're the AH here.
@@justrosy5 Uh, you're taking a different extreme and using this to frame me. That's not what I said. Reread my comment. It's about her expecting 100% from me as well as punishing not being there for her 100% of the times while doing 0% and not doing what she herself expected from me. Also, what does "AH" mean?
My mother disowned me when I was sick. For 20 years I was bedridden with CVS. She told everyone I was faking it. Menopause fixed my illness. Now she is old and she has an illness and she needs care. She can GF'd and find herself a nursing home for all I care.
Had to drive myself to the ER at 11pm since he “need my sleep. I have a big day tomorrow.” Ended up having two emergency procedures and hospitalized for days. Seldom came to see me and no flowers or even a card. Packed up like he was doing me a big favor when I asked him to bring me a few items from home. Fortunately, I knew to go prepared so I wouldn’t have to ask for much from him since I knew he would bring the wrong thing anyway. Didn’t even bring my kids to come see me.
i needed my dad to have my back. when i was 16, i was blackmailed by one of my classmates to send nude pictures of myself. eventually my parents found out (despite me trying to hide it from everyone) and he and my stepmom sat me down to talk about it. He stayed silent while she blamed me for it, saying i should have made better choices. no compassion was offered, no support. I went to my room and tried to forget any of it ever happened. I'm looking back now and i can't belive thats how they handled that situation...
The first clue I was married to a narcissist was a difficult pregnancy. We had already been married for 10 years at this point and narcissism wasn't yet a common term. Any hoo, I was exhausted and about to graduate from the university and the bigger I got the more fatigued I became. I asked for help with something and tried to get some compassion from my husband: he meanly told me about a waitress where he worked that hustled all day on her feet carrying heavy trays of food and dishes around without seeming to be bothered by it. I was so shocked he would say that to me and that he brushed off my difficulties. I cried - he acted like he didn't see or hear it. 4 days later I was admitted to the hospital for a kidney infection. There were so many red flags over the years I now see that I believed at the time were my own short comings. 😢
Yes, my ****** shamed my cousin for having cancer at a young age. She used to say "look at you, you've always been careless!", now she's doing the same to Dad. She despises sick, weak peolpe. She shamed me for needing glasses when I was young. Its all about the looks.🤷🏼♀️
Disgusting. If possible, I'd go no-contact with her, and the rest of your family should too. She'll be just fine. She has her hate to keep her company.
Yep. I learned the hard way. Had a stroke and asked "please call 911!". Oh hell,no....ma just pulled up a chair to watch me die. When it was all said and done,it was my fault for seperating at age 4. Damn,I don't even recall age 4,but apparently been paying for it for decades. Psychopathic narcs....shiver
I witnessed this: a man in his 60s visited a nursing home where his 94-year-old mother was being cared for. His mother had survived concentration camp during WWII. She was diagnosed with PTSD and had flashbacks of being starved and beaten in the camp. When the nursing staff comforted the mother during these terrors, her narcissist son downplayed his mother's imprisonment in concentration camp. He even suggested that it may not have happenned. This is the utter depravity of this narcissist -- he didn't want his mother to get ANY attention, and resented her being comforted by the staff at the nursing home. This monster narcissist son wouldn't recognize his own mother's history. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for helping me understand the cruelty inherent in this personality. I have read your new book, and will keep re-reading it to cope with the narcissists in my family.
My situation is the same. It is a lot to process. We have to have boundaries for our own protection. Since, my family did not honor any boundaries, no contact was my only option to save my health. My 2 narc parents never supported me or were ever there when I needed parents. It’s a lot to heal from that!
I’m really really sorry to hear about this. It makes me sick that a parent could do this to their child and then get away with it. 😢. I hope things are better now.
No need to imagine! My brain tumor was “them being great”. The long term post care is their “sacrifice”. It’s ridiculous they had to do so much for years….😢😢😢
He was frustrated he had to take care of our toddlers back than. (Note he didn’t as I setup care) “It was so tough on him b/c he was driving back & forth.” 😮 I was fighting to survive.
Ah yes, the martyrdom syndrome. I'm so sorry you got subjected to that! It's too real when it's a parent or SO/spouse. Always give yourself the credit - never them!
Today at my doctor's appointment, stepped on the scale, and discovered I had lost 20 pounds. In my therapy session today I share my great news with my therapist. I chose not to say a single word to my narcissistic spouse, avoiding the time, hurt, and pain their words could cause.
It took me 2 years of consistent journaling/focused doodling, therapy, reading, and consistent expert posts - epescially Dr. R and Dr. C - to get through the darkest point of recovering. For a long time, I had a hard time squaring the sense that when I married mine, it always, always felt like being in a trifecta-relationship with my widowed mother-in-law.
My narcissist father told my younger sister who had health issues as a kid that she COST him the most out of all 6 of us. Then as an adult, told her because of her existing health issues into adulthood she would probably be the next one that would pass away!
In my first thirty five years I had no one to defend me, I had no one to take my side, I was completely alone having to always defend myself as they kept on attacking me!!! Even when I was being treated unfairly on almost every job I had, no one defend me, no one took my side!!! I had people around me but I was still alone, no one cared about me!!!
I've seen it narcissistic - can't-care-less directed at me after I came close to death and was hospitalized. I've seen it directed towards people in the family of lesser stature. A person's status plays a role in the degree they will concern themselves with your health problem.
Thank you yet again Dr. Ramani for helping me identify the patterns of these unhealthy choices and relationships. While unable to change the past, am learning to learn from it, and hopefully preventing the patterns from haunting the future. These miserable people fail to see or celebrate The Magic of each unique individual, especially sad to witness the harm it does to children of all ages. Thank you for empowering us for better days to come!❤️
I didn't have a problem with him blaming me for the inconvenience, but I did have a problem where he basically left me at the hospital in the ICU with no contact, dropped our kids off with his mother for her to deal with, and then used my illness as an excuse to get out of work. Told his boss he was at the hospital with me and that I was near death and he couldn't leave. The part about me was true but he was not there with me. Using me to lie to his boss so he could go off and do what he wanted. The only good thing is that I think this incident is what made me finally reach my breaking point with him. I'd known for a long time how selfish she was, but I always thought that if it ever came down to a moment like that then he would at least be there for me that kind of moment of desperate need... And for him to let me down like that and what I could call my moment of greatest need... It's something I don't think I'll ever completely forget or forgive him for. It brought a resentment for him in my heart that I didn't think was possible. 😢
My son-in-law's mother went to see him at home, after he was put on dialysis; he was considered legally blind; he wasn't doing well; she said "well, I've come to see you, do I have to come over anymore? I have clients to take care of"; she's a hair dresser. He was dying, STILL wouldn't come see him "because I can't see that"; basically, she stated that her son's illness was so inconvenient for her; my son-in-law was angry & upset that she couldn't come over.
My ex narc husband complained about trips to the ER required by my Dr. Years later he complained and accused me of not needing to go to ER. Very abusive, dismissive and negligent.
You've explained my experiences with teachers, and students influenced by the teachers, when I got very sick on an overseas tour. I lost 15 kgs and missed school for 2 weeks recovering. The teachers involved tried to bully me subsequently throughout the remainder of my school life. They needed to justify their actions and remain self righteous by blaming me. My family origin, step-dad and brother, hated it when I started to achieve things. They liked me to be a scapegoat or loser to justify their own insecurities, seeing me as a threat.
My mother didn't care at all when I got cancer. My father only cares about his own cancer. Never asks me how I am doing. It's always been this way. My ex-narc relationship he got more and more annoyed and angry with me when I got more and more exhausted and sick. So he left. Thank God he showed who he really is. And thank God I recovered quick after my cancer surgery ❤ And the sucsess! My ex-narc abusive ex-husband he got more violant when I had sucsess 🤯 it all makes sense now. I have gone from low-contact to no-contact with my mom, brother and dad. My last ex-narc relationship I blocked. That gave me peace at mind. Took me over a year to block him forever and finally I do things I like to do again ❤ My last conversation with my brother he got angry and told me is was my choice I married an abusive man. Who almost killed me throwing me around. And he tried to choke me. Nobody cared. My dads comment many years back when this happened was just saying: Whats wrong with that guy? I need to journal more. Writing this made me cry. But at least for the first time in my life I feel more safe ❤
Ok, I have to ask an honest question here. You thank God. Ok, that's fine. But why in the world do you not hold God's feet to the fire for allowing you to get treated that way in the first place? I ask because that's where I'm stuck in my own situation, regarding religious things.
It's not about religion. It's more a phrase. I'm norwegian so I don't know what to write. Thank you Dr. Ramani I do all the time and the few safe people in my life. Thank you for asking that question. I found it a little weird to write. I believe God is in everyone and everything as a Spiritualists. I also left a toxic spiritual community.
My narc sister invited me and our oldest friend to a "girls' weekend" at her luxury mountain home, two states away from me. Yeah, we were all drinking a lot of wine. I was in my sock feet and at one point slipped and fell on the polished hardwood steps down to her sunken living room. Ouch! But we all laughed it off. Even thought it was quite painful the next day, I didn't want to ruin the weekend, so I limped around with them. But the following day, I almost fainted from pain when I got out of bed and put weight on that ankle. I told my sister about this and was very sorry, but could she please take me to the ER? She immediately got very disgusted and put out, but grudgingly did. Turns out my ankle was broken. And I still had to drive 3 hours to get back home. No sympathy from her. Btw, both she & our friend had been RNs.
You could and should turn them both into the board for that. They can lose their licenses for that, even if they were off duty. Also, if I'm not mistaken, they shouldn't have been drinking even when off duty, because they could have been called back into work at any moment.
@@justrosy5 Please note I said "had been" ... they stopped working as nurses when they married their wealthy husbands. However, my sister never misses a chance to bossily throw around her so-called medical knowledge ....... except for that weekend. 😧
Cluster of blood clotts in my lung. Kept telling me it was muscle pain. Coughing up blood needed to go to ER on my daughters 4th birthday. He got mad said have fun waisting your money. When he did come to the hospital he looked so pissed. 8days later I go home as I put my hospital bag down he says go give the kids a bath. He never cared when I was hurting and that broke my heart forever
As I listened to this, I realized that I never allowed myself to be 'sick' with either husband or 'partners'. I knew I would be nothing but in inconvenience to them.
Dr Ramani! I am so glad you are in this world! I had this pattern and could not see. I see now. And it is to the thanks of you and others who dare to educate on narcissistic people. There were so many puppetering relationships in my life, since a young age, the strings were not noticeable. They were, what I thought was, inherent and biological. They are not. I do not like the things I thought I liked. I do not feel obligated to love those who abuse me. I do not feel less now that I don't have their approval. I do not feel like I have to be in any relationship. Gosh. It's a bit disorienting but also freeing.
He finally admitted to me what I felt back then. He resented me for having broken some bones in an accident because, according to him, he was "already doing too much" for me, so having to help me carry things made him mad. It hurts so much to know he resented me over things I couldn't even control.
It is cold and heartless for someone to completely ignore the calls for help when one who is gravely ill 🤒 and bedridden. This is something that is UNFORGIVEN AND WOULD BE FORGETTING.. Period..
Of all the accuracy Dr Ramani has ever said, this video had me slack-jawed at the insane similarity to my marriage. If only I had this info 5-10 years ago. 😮
My dad does this all the time to my mother. He has permanent nerve damage in his leg and apparently no one suffers like him. My mom fell ill and her doctor recommended she do physical therapy and my dad got upset saying “what good is it doing for you?!” Forgetting the fact he was recommended to do the same but didn’t want to continue with his treatment because he claimed “I didn’t get any benefit from it”. He wants to be the martyr. What my dad doesn’t realize is that my mom is the only one who would care for him because all of us kids live far away from him. My mom views the physical therapy as her escape from him.
I was in the hospital for 10 days and had 2 surgeries and my narc husband never came to see me, he claimed he had a headache, that really opened my eyes. I left 2 years ago and saving for a divorce.!
I finally got into grad school for a career I wanted to do for 10 years and all my Narc step mom and dad can ask is, “if you fail a test do you get kicked out? If you fail classes, when do you get kicked out?” They never ask how I am doing in the program or if I enjoy it, or what I’m learning. Still to this day, they keep asking when or if I’ve failed yet. It’s sad that our Narc parents can’t be happy for their children. I hardly share my joys or lows with them anymore. I thank God my mom wasn’t a Narc, she saved me.
My sister in law was upset that my daughter's cruel and painful illness was upstaging her 2 healthy girls. That's right, she told my husband's family my daughter was faking it. It was so bad that when my girl died from this genetic nightmare (after 12 years of suffering and 2 brain surgeries) that my mother in law when into such shock that she got a wicked case of shingles and the others came to me and and apologized for listening to the beast sister. My mother in law at first accused me of not telling her that my daughter was going to die from this illness. I told her MANY times and would update her regularly on our medical team's reports. I didn't loose my marbles on her when she accused me of this, I sternly said, "I told you everything, you chose not to listen or believe me. That's on you." She died 2 months ago and I ended up taking care of her at the end of life because I am a retired nurse and 3 of her daughters live far away, but the beast lives 15 minutes away. She was in a fight with her mother until the day she died (giving her the silent treatment). My MIL it turns out was a covert type NPD and the beast was her favorite kid! MIL fell and broke her hip and clavicle while her favorite child was ignoring her so the hubby and I had to rush to her house an hour away to do a wellness check. She had been on the floor for more than 12 house, surprisingly still alive. Long story short MIL had hip surgery then wanted to go home. She passed away a couple weeks later. The beast came to see exactly once and left after a few minutes. Now we are all suffering the wrath of the beast. She really thought she was going to be executor of the estate....nope the eldest sister is and she's a great choice. She keeps threatening to get a lawyer to boot the executor out and install herself. Such delusion. The paranoia is over the top as well along with a massive amounts of projection. She's trying everything she can to slow the process of estate liquidation down to the point the other sibling have just proceeded without her. She will get every red cent that belongs to her because it illegal to do otherwise. We all have been traumatized because she doesn't have her covert mom to deal with her outbursts anymore so we are taking the beatings. As soon as the probate judge gets us in and signs off on the plan it'll be no contact for the rest of us. I bought 2 copies of your book that arrived yesterday, plus the workbook which is on the way. A copy for me and a copy for any of the family who needs help getting over this experience. I look forward to reading it. Thanks!!
I find it helpful to be armed with Dr Ramani's information. This type of person can be COMICAL (instead of hurtful) once one learns the secrets! Good luck moving forward, you are a better person that I for taking care of your MIL. PS: A narc loves nothing better than a lawsuit or threatening a lawsuit, so I wasn't surprised with your narrative regarding the Executor.
@@Julie-ti5yv Thank you. It's been really hard on the other sibs including my husband. I saw it a long time ago but they are just now seeing it turn malignant. I took her covert snotty and cruel remarks for years and said nothing. No more.
I am so very sorry for your loss. As a fellow mom, my heart goes out to you. As someone with an intimate connection to the other world, I can assure you that your daughter is at peace, happy, healthy, and keeping a proud eye on her mother's growth, patiently awaiting the time when you will be reunited. ❤
I can't help comparing my 2 cancer experiences. In 2000 I had cancer and I was shamed whenever he caught me crying. It was caught early so surgery was all I needed, so it was no excuse to slack off on the housework since I was cancer free after the third surgery in 5 weeks. And stress crying was shamed twice as much after I was cancer free. None of my family or friends other than my in-laws (so they could babysit during my second surgery. He didn't bother going to the hospital for the third) were ever told about it. This time is 100% different. No one is shaming me. ALL of my friends are here for me. And one guy I volunteer with got out of the friend zone (but he has admitted that he is scared to date me because of the abuse in his past so he is scared of relationships but he does have strong feelings for me) because of his thoughtfulness, compassion, and constant verbal encouragement through all of this, especially after finding out that I will be having a mastectomy in a week and a half. What a difference!
I taught myself how to code at age 12, started a tech company at age 13 and won the Ernst and young award at age 15. My narc mother went so ballistic - she destroyed the company through her smear campaigns and framing me for all kinds of horrible things I never did. But in public she acted so kind and charming, till this day no one ever beleives me when I tell this story. Then after the ruined my company she would accuse me of being lazy and unmotivated. I’m starting to realize that the only people who can validate my experience are strangers on RUclips who also went through this abuse. Unreal
A thirty year friendship with my former bff ended when I was in the hospital for an emergency surgical intervention. I had a 50/50 chance of surviving. All of my friends were by side but my “best friend” said it was all too much and overwhelming and she needed to go to the movies with her boyfriend. Coming from narcissistic parents, this exchange finally illuminated the mistreatment. When I called her on it, all she could say was she didn’t know what I expected of her and I should end the friendship. Well, I did, best decision I ever made
I grew up "inconvenient." I remember being afraid to cry in front of my mother when I was 5 years old because she would threaten to take my baby brother away from me. I didn't realize she couldn't actually do that nor would she have since I was the one doing all the diaper changing, but I was very protective of him so it panicked me when she would threaten that. I remember hiding that I'd broken my foot jumping off the roof when I was a preteen because I knew she'd be so mad she'd probably give me extra chores and she would never take me to a doctor anyway since jumping off the roof was my own fault. I remember being so sick with an ear infection when I was probably 14 or 15 that I begged my mom to take me to a doctor (I had never asked to go to a doctor ever, no matter how sick or injured I was) and she told me she had a cold too and didn't feel like driving me, plus we "can't afford it." I lost a significant amount of hearing in that ear. I remember being at Youth Group when I was 16 and I tripped and fell through the window. I was knocked out and my knee and wrist were sliced open as the glass rained down around me. When I came-to, I was totally blind for about 10 minutes. My first words upon regaining control of my body? "Don't call 911! Please!" I was terrified that my mom would find out I'd gotten hurt and be angry that I'd done something "attention-seeking" like let them call an ambulance. An elderly lady at church made me go to the hospital anyway for over 19 stitches and my mom warned me the whole way home about the dangers of pain meds so I was too terrified to take anything for the pain and spent the next few nights silently screaming into a pillow, under the dilusory opinion that she'd be proud of me for not taking anything. That prescription bottle sat on my night stand for the first few days and then I never saw them again. Any time I was sick or hurt, my mom would yell, "Oh yeah? Well *I* have scoliosis! If I can get up and walk around taking care of this farm every day in excruciating agony, you can suck it up for a few minutes and do your chores!" Do narcissisitic parents get jealous and try to take you away from your spouse, too? I feel like the family of origin was always sowing seeds of resentment and distrust between my husband and I. Trying to, anyway. I was so damaged that it took my husband 20 years to get me to where I will rest when I get sick or hurt, to where I will take something if I'm in pain, to where I will let him comfort me. Bless this man... I've always said he saved me when he married me and took me far away from them. I prayed from the time I was a tiny child that God would send me a real knght to save me from my own personal dungeon, and He did.
How can you be so accurate Dr. Ramani!!! Thank you so much for saying that! I was often blamed and raged at by my ex-husband for calling out my in-laws unacceptable behavior. I felt cornered and day by day I became more quieter and tried to keep everything to myself without saying a word. And started questioning my self until I could see everything so clearly after learning about narcism. Still him and his family living in an alternative reality thinking and portraying they are good people. Thank you for all that you do to help survivors like me!! 🙏🙏
When I finally stopped talking to my older daughter, who is an overt narcissist, I was feeling so much lighter and in control of my life. When I shared my joy with my younger daughter, instead of being happy for me that I was finally in a good place, she got angry with me and said that now she would have to deal with her sister since I would be out of the picture. She completely took the wind out of my sales for a moment. I began to see that she was a covert narcissist herself. A year and a half later, I am very happy with my decisions to stop seeing my older daughter and to limit contact with my younger daughter.
@@chima1415 As Paris Hilton tells in her new song nor first nor third place is winning love so you should get your parents love or you should have a lover.That's her consciousness.It's a new song. Amen.
I was included in an article in a nationally-known newspaper, with my quotes and a nice photo of me. It came out well, and I was proud of it. I texted the link to my narc domestic associate - no response whatsoever. Then I texted it to my narc sister - "I'm too busy right now," she replied. The article took less than 5 minutes to read. They both made me feel bad about something good.
My husband was annoyed when i had a hip replacement and when i had a benign tumor on my spine. He made my life hell for 4 yrs. I was a total inconvenience to him. I now have my plan B,C, and D activated. He is now older and not too active any more. I call it karma. He is sooooo afraid of being alone. I must admit i take pleasure in seeing him like that…. He now feels insecure and I love that. I cannot help my feelings. He caused me so much pain, he deserves to be afraid!!!!!
When I was having chest pains and symptoms of a heart attack, I called my x narc partner (of 12 year relationship). He didnt pick up, so I text him that I needed him. He asked me why I would call or text him about this? He said there were other people I could call, neighbors, etc. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I went NO CONTACT after this. If he couldn’t care less about my life, he needed to be GONE. He did me a favour.
Mine (who I'm still struggling to decide if it's narcissism or something else) didn't flat- out tell me I was being an inconvenience, but did avoid the subject altogether when I repeatedly said I was worried I might need to go to the ER or at least quick care for pain in my mouth. The pain turned to swelling until I was at the point where I could barely even take in liquids. I finally had to tell them the morning we were supposed to be heading back home from vacation that I needed to go to the ER. It turned out to be a tooth abscess. About a week later, I was having an extraction and was officially placed on a soft diet for the next week. Oh, and the infection was in nerves that branch out from the face. In danger of moving into the brain. I'm honestly still frustrated and disappointed that they clearly didn't take me serious when I was in immense pain and had symptoms that could literally be seen! Half of my face was so puffy that the eye could barely open! Wtf?!😢
And, imagine learning this when you are having brain surgery for epilepsy, you share 3 children and your narcissistic husband has watched your suffer seizures for a decade - but makes it clear that your illness has been stressful for him-in anger as he rages. That was the mark of the end of a 25 year relationship.
When dna-dad passed my MOMster & Narc SIBLING continued the famdamnly Narc tradition. With six DECADES of reflection's it seems to be that it's always only the important things that they disappear.
I was 3-4 days post op of a pretty major surgery, we had got into it about something, he takes my unlocked phone and runs down my apartment hallway.. Forcing me to have to get up and yell for him to bring my phone back chasing him around. They really don’t care about us at all to do these types of things. It’s crazy.
If I catch a cold or any other illnesses I am treated like a leper, I'm expected to wear a mask and gloves and keep my distance. If she catches a cold weeks later I'm blamed for bringing the virus into the house. Yet if out of the blue she catches a cold etc she takes no precautions to protect me.
My ex narc had elective surgery when I was having life saving surgery during my 3rd cancer diagnosis. He told me it would have inconvenienced a lot of people if he had changed the date. Then, he had the nerve to tell me he didn't think it was "serious". I guess metastatic cancer is not serious, but this same jerk had a meltdown when he was told he had low blood pressure. Good riddance!!!!
During my cancer caretaker years (my mom, then later my husband)...whew, I learned so, so much about the people around me. Their behavior during those times made some of my very difficult decisions very easy to make.
Thank you for this, I’ve purchased your book ‘It’s Not You’. Your content has provided me with lots of “lightbulb moments” and insight I hadn’t even thought too deeply about. Thank you very much.
I was put-down for the inconvenience of my long term health issues, and also put-down for "wasting money" seeking alternative treatments where mainstream medicine failed.
Dr. Ramani, are survivors of Narcissistic Abuse more likely to experience ADHD-like symptoms after abuse? The length of time I'm able to focus on a tedious task and short-term memory really seem to have gotten worse. Is this normal??
Long-term emotional trauma does affect the brain and nervous system, for sure! It is completely normal to have concentration and memory problems after enduring abuse.
Dr. Ramani when you said the story about the rejection of the 5 yr olds valentine, it is huge, it sticks with a person for yrs. At about age 10 was going to spend a couple days at my cousins house; 1st time ever being away from mom; i tried saying good bye & give her a hug & kiss, and she said "why are you doing this, you're only gonna be gone 4 days?" and then she kinda shoved me away, like she couldn't stand me hugging & kissing her. It was like that with mom for years. She always seemed disgusted to get a hug from me.
You have helped me so much, Dr. Romani. I am with a narcissistic partner and there are several children involved so it would be almost impossible to get away. However, I am using your strategies and it’s working like a charm. Thank you so much.
Gosh, this is a sad reality for me. Over the past 8 years, I've had 5 operative procedures and had gotten maybe 10% help from my partner during my recoveries. Also I was so extremely mortified with embarrassment one of the times he came to pick me up after hospital stay and I heard him yelling down the hall at nurses because I wasn't at the door ready to go when he arrived. 🥺
What is it when someone who IS actually sick keeps milking it for attention and validation? That's the problem I've had the most. Eventually you get sick of hearing about their issues when you can just hear in their voice that they're looking for the attention.
Never forget how the narcissist made you feel, during your darkest days.
Never forget how the narcissist made those your darkest days.
This information is so valuable ❤
It is easy to be in denial as you too are being denied the fact that you may be breaking down and need care.
Especially through my grandpa's passing. Needed someone there to support and be there for me. That was the day I noticed my ex was not a person I can rely on.
Horrendous. Unsupported. Unimportant. I didn't matter. He didn't care
I just had a former close friend tell me (while I was at the hospital getting treatment for a serious illness) that she couldn’t spend time with me anymore & didn’t want to hear about my illness anymore. This was a month after I threw her a baby shower. She said to me she didn’t want “that (sick) energy” around her & needed to “protect her baby”. This was a friend who leaned on me for every ailment, fight w her partner, etc. I went w her to almost all her sonogram appointments & an OBGYN appointment. The day of my first ever surgery, she did not even bother to check in w me. When I let her know that didn’t feel good, she replied, “I was busy. Sorry you overreacted.” I realized I had ignored MANY signs that she is a narcissist & cut her out of my life. It was so disheartening to be treated that way by a friend I treated so well. But with narcissists, when you cut them off, it’s SUCH a relief after. You realize how much energy they were sucking from you & can heal.
wow! I am so very sorry your friend did this to you. I really believe many people like to live in denial of what's going on around them. As long as reality keeps hitting them in the face (e.g. your illness, someone wearing a mask because of COVID, etc.), they have a hard time ignoring it, and it angers them. It's a trigger. They suck. In any event, I hope you're doing better. I think by not having her in your life anymore will now leave room for better people to come into your life ♥
I was thinking WOW too. That’s horrible!! I’m glad you finally saw the signs and cut her off. She’ll be back and wonder “why” you’re not talking to her. Sorry that happened to you and hope you are doing ok with your illness too.
Had a "friend" do that to me too. Then I found some sh^t she posted online about hating this person, that person, and some other person here, there, somewhere else... And in each scenario, the person she hated had literally done nothing wrong at all. Some people are just plain psychotic.
😳😢
You're definitely right about it being such a relief... For me it was the greatest weight I'd ever taken off my shoulders
dont expect anything from narcissists theyre constant liars
Yep my narc/raging alcoholic ex-gf or whatever she was sent me a text last december saying "i'm an abusive liar". Thats funny considering it was her who was abusive and lied to me. Not the other way around.
@BillyLintz............
Classic N behaviour
In the doctors office he would turn it on as a caring concerned husband and at home he was nowhere to be found
Yes that’s so hard. Mine would bring flowers 💐 then when I got home he was nowhere to be seen to help or even get a meal. He’d sit slightly behind me at the drs & roll his eyes & I didn’t realise he was doing it until one day I could see his reflection in the window as he did it. That’s when I realised why the drs weren’t taking me seriously……. I could have died because of him undermining me.
Mine too.. never again though. Right?
Typical
Over time, you learn to:
1) Minimize or not mention your issues
2) Keep going like the Energizer bunny even when you're dying
3) Never, never, never ask for "help"
4) Make your own contingency plans
5) Realize that they don't give a rat's butt about you
For many of us, a serious illness is often a wake-up call, and the "drop" that pushes us over the vase--and out of the relationship.
Illness IS the ultimate test in a narcissistic relationship. Ironically, the longer you stay in one, the sicker you get.
Serious illness is often the "drop" that pushes us over the vase--and out of the relationship. Illness IS the ultimate test in a narcissistic relationship. Ironically, the longer you stay in one, the sicker you get.
The ex-narcissist taught me to not count on him for any support, practical assistance, empathy and I recovered from a life-crippling illness under my own steam after 5 years. After I divorced his sorry ass, he whined to me : I felt like you didn't need me! Seriously, there's no pleasing those c*nts. 🤣
Yikes. You literally took the words out of my mouth and numbered them even.😂
These are golden rules that need to be remembered by everyone in a narcissistic relationship
Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it..
there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.
this is helpful, I will look her up. I hope this works for me too, I really miss her.
Sometimes the solution is NO CONTACT
Transactional. Everything, I mean everything
💯
Was probably an ardent Capitalist too, eh?
Yep… no longer a doormat or an ATM machine though
"What's wrong with you now?", was always my favorite. I'd be throwing up over the commode and he'd walk in and say with disgust, "What's wrong with you now"
Divorce time.
I feel that
If it's not about them, they can't keep up the facade for long.
When I was sick...my daughter use to say "faker" my ex would expect that I still get up and get the kids to school..
When my appendix went bad and made me sick, I was confined in the hospital for three days after the surgery. The wife was mad as hell and woke me up screaming at me.
2:20 you forgot the part where they gloat to everyone else how well they’re taking care of you.
My crime was getting pancreatic cancer. The narcissist first tried to take me to court to get control of mums money, after all my illness was causing him stress. I was apparently a martyr. When I survived he was very disappointed....poor baby. So then he labelled me a control freak for not dying 😮
You all have got to fix your laws out there, across the pond. Lots of bad things can be said about the US, but at least here, spouses don't get a say in what happens to our own parents' estates.
@@justrosy5We have no control over the lawmakers in the U.S. just like you all don't have control over the lawmakers "across the pond. Knock it off with the bullsh*t platitudes and false pride about something you had nothing to do with. You did not create the laws that you are subjected to live by.🙄🙄
Sorry guys. My bad. The narc was my brother not spouse. And I'm Australian
@@justrosy5 you have a really bad attitude. You must be a narc 🤣
Dear Margaret, I hope you dumped his a$$.
“Be your own Cheerleader; find your own Cheerleaders”…… Thank you Dr. Ramani💜💜💜
“They want you to feel as badly as they do” 😌 👍 💯!
100% and in every moment of the day, in every situation possible
They want you to feel worse than them. They ALWAYS have to one-up everything. Even if it means being petty.
This happened to me. I drove myself to the hospital with pneumonia. After our divorce, he lost his next supply by being cruel to her for having a kidney infection.
My mother was dying from cancer (she is now healthy 🙏🏼🥰) and I remember one night I cried all night long and he didn’t even try to comfort me…the next morning he only said “I’ll sleep tonight on the couch I neeeed my sleep) 😢now I am narc free!! 🎉 and don’t need the devil in my life anymore 😊
They’re unbelievably cruel and self serving people. It’s unreal to reflect upon behavior such as this. I’m sorry you didn’t have the support you needed when you needed it. I’m sorry you went through this.
When I told my husband that my back is bad and that Dr said I'm heading for a wheel chair. His reply when I asked if he understood what I said (as he had not responded at all) "yeah, more work for me"...
Were now separated.
Oh my god. I’m sorry and I hope you’re okay.
My mother literally complained about having to buy or cook foods/recipes that I wasn't allergic to if she was doing the buying/cooking and expected me to eat the same foods as everyone else. MAKES NO SENSE.
A my former best friend of 47 years, covert narcissist, and I were planning a trip of a lifetime. I suffer from radiation disease (from cancer treatments) and as a result have developed congestive heart failure. The cardiologist advised that it would be better to do a stop over rather than take an 11 hour flight. When I told her this, she screamed at me stating she would NOT be inconvenienced by my health issues, and would not fly on an airline where she would have to make a stopover and/or not earn her frequent flier points (NOTE: This narcissist female lifetime friend of 47 years is worth north of 50 million dollars). D-O-N-E with her. Thanks Dr. Ramani, I would not have known what was happening, what she was, and most importantly start to END IT without your guidance.
I’m so sorry this happened. Will be praying for you 🙏🏽 ❤
I've given up. Sigh. Nowhere to go. No money no car.
Don't give up ❤
Don't give up, I know it's horrible I'm in a similar situation, I'm giving you a hug of it's going to get better
Just hold on a little longer. Next year will be better and the year after that will be even better than that. The rest of this year is going to be very rough though. Hold on just a little longer until this storm blows over. Judgement from above has arrived. The destruction of the proud in heart is at hand.
100% relatable
I understand! I feel the same. I am on my knees to God as no one on earth cares
God bless you ❤️ 🙏
They’ll put you on a pedestal just to throw you off of it and watch you fall. Their abuse is so disorienting and it all worked when I was little. As I became aware of who he was/what he was doing, to manipulate, dominate, and control me, I knew I had to get away and take care of myself. I stopped beating myself up for not seeing it sooner when I realized I had absolutely no way of knowing as a child. Healing is a brave journey we begin and we realize our worth along the way.
Exactly.
Beautifully said
Happy for your healing journey...wishing you continued growth in every way
Very touching comment. Many blessings to you on your journey. ❤
Thank goodness I walked away!! As an Empath, certain things started to not feel "right". My gut instincts were sending out alarms. Of course, the Universe has a timeline for me to figure out things and it all finally came to fruition.
Thankfully, I don't have to worry one itty bitty second about any of that anymore. Yipppeeeee!
Writing new chapters with excitement. Moving forward with my whole self...heart, soul, mind, and body. ❤
God bless you and did not waste your care and concern❤️ 🙏
Good Morning Everyone ☀️ ❤
Good afternoon
Good morning from Ontario, Canada!
😊🇨🇦
When I went through breast cancer I had my Ex drive me to the hospital for my treatments because I was so scared. He was so pissed and angry while driving me. But as soon as I was in the treatment room and the doctors and nurses would walk in he would come over and hold my hand so he looked like a good person in front of them. I was so confused back then and I didn't know what a narcissist was.
I remember when I was in the hospital after my appendectomy. I was in the hospital for almost a week and he kept trying to get me to ask the surgeon to let me go home . But I didn't want to go home because being in the hospital felt like a vacation (that sure speaks volumes!). So he actually called the surgeon himself to try to get him to let me go home so I could do housework and take care of the kids.
Ok. You topped anything I could come up with. Lmao.
After having lost our first baby at 5½ months pregnant I sat crying and full of fear of losing another one, too. In the waiting room bleeding with my next pregnancy my narcissist hubby sits next to me and says, 'You don't need to have to worry about me being cross if you lose the child. I already have two kids'. He had two kids with another woman who hated me. Charming for a husband of 8 months, wasn't it? I had my healthy daughter 4 months later AND a beautiful son 2½ years later. They are 26 and 28 now and great people. We are divorced since 18 years and that was the best that ever happened to me.
When I was in my second year of university I won an award (basically it was given to the top 1% of students in my entire country). I was so excited, but when I told my ex he looked at me and said laughing "so? Am I supposed to congratulate you or something?". I was just 19 and in my first serious relationship. I didnt know how to react to that. So I just looked down trying to hide the tears and said that of course not, he didn't have to congratulate me.
A few years later I graduated Summa cum Laude and on the way to the fancy dinner my parents were hosting for me, he looked PISSED. I asked what was wrong and he said that surely I had to be aware of the fact that HE was not graduating yet, and that how did I think it made him feel to see me graduate and have everyone congratulate me. I arrived at the dinner trying to fix my makeup and look happy after having a 45 minute long fight over my academic accomplishments.
Yeah... He sure was a keeper that one.
17 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer in my eye, and had to travel to CA from MT for surgery and radiation treatment, requiring a 1-month stay in CA. He turned it into a vacation, dragging me all over CA visiting relatives, friends and tourist attractions all as I couldn’t see due to the cancer treatment. Doctor prescribed ointment in my eye 4 times a day and he refused to do it. I had blurred vision, and he wouldn’t help me.
😢😢😢
I'm so sorry you were put through this. Please tell me you aren't still married to that SOB.
My ex used to expect me to care for her 24/7 when she was sick - even when all she did was sleep I had to be there while she didn't even ask me if I needed anything when I was sick. Never again would I put up with any kind of double standard.
Ever stopped to consider that women don't exist to coddle you, and that she was actually sick and too worn out from being sick to take care of you??? You're the AH here.
@@justrosy5 Uh, you're taking a different extreme and using this to frame me. That's not what I said. Reread my comment.
It's about her expecting 100% from me as well as punishing not being there for her 100% of the times while doing 0% and not doing what she herself expected from me.
Also, what does "AH" mean?
@@justrosy5begone you troll
My mother disowned me when I was sick. For 20 years I was bedridden with CVS. She told everyone I was faking it. Menopause fixed my illness. Now she is old and she has an illness and she needs care. She can GF'd and find herself a nursing home for all I care.
Had to drive myself to the ER at 11pm since he “need my sleep. I have a big day tomorrow.” Ended up having two emergency procedures and hospitalized for days. Seldom came to see me and no flowers or even a card. Packed up like he was doing me a big favor when I asked him to bring me a few items from home. Fortunately, I knew to go prepared so I wouldn’t have to ask for much from him since I knew he would bring the wrong thing anyway. Didn’t even bring my kids to come see me.
Ditto, exact same here
i needed my dad to have my back. when i was 16, i was blackmailed by one of my classmates to send nude pictures of myself. eventually my parents found out (despite me trying to hide it from everyone) and he and my stepmom sat me down to talk about it. He stayed silent while she blamed me for it, saying i should have made better choices. no compassion was offered, no support. I went to my room and tried to forget any of it ever happened. I'm looking back now and i can't belive thats how they handled that situation...
The first clue I was married to a narcissist was a difficult pregnancy. We had already been married for 10 years at this point and narcissism wasn't yet a common term. Any hoo, I was exhausted and about to graduate from the university and the bigger I got the more fatigued I became. I asked for help with something and tried to get some compassion from my husband: he meanly told me about a waitress where he worked that hustled all day on her feet carrying heavy trays of food and dishes around without seeming to be bothered by it. I was so shocked he would say that to me and that he brushed off my difficulties. I cried - he acted like he didn't see or hear it. 4 days later I was admitted to the hospital for a kidney infection. There were so many red flags over the years I now see that I believed at the time were my own short comings. 😢
Yes, my ****** shamed my cousin for having cancer at a young age. She used to say "look at you, you've always been careless!", now she's doing the same to Dad.
She despises sick, weak peolpe.
She shamed me for needing glasses when I was young. Its all about the looks.🤷🏼♀️
Disgusting. If possible, I'd go no-contact with her, and the rest of your family should too. She'll be just fine. She has her hate to keep her company.
Yep. I learned the hard way. Had a stroke and asked "please call 911!". Oh hell,no....ma just pulled up a chair to watch me die. When it was all said and done,it was my fault for seperating at age 4. Damn,I don't even recall age 4,but apparently been paying for it for decades. Psychopathic narcs....shiver
I was in hospital with a serious heart condition and he kept pulling his hair and crying " why me, why me lord".
Wow! Yeah, that's what they do, everything is all about THEM, even other people's pain and illness!
I hope you're gone and he's bald. 🎉
Thank you SO much for this compilation. It is so helpful and validating. The clarity it brings is priceless. 🙌
I witnessed this: a man in his 60s visited a nursing home where his 94-year-old mother was being cared for. His mother had survived concentration camp during WWII. She was diagnosed with PTSD and had flashbacks of being starved and beaten in the camp. When the nursing staff comforted the mother during these terrors, her narcissist son downplayed his mother's imprisonment in concentration camp. He even suggested that it may not have happenned. This is the utter depravity of this narcissist -- he didn't want his mother to get ANY attention, and resented her being comforted by the staff at the nursing home. This monster narcissist son wouldn't recognize his own mother's history. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for helping me understand the cruelty inherent in this personality. I have read your new book, and will keep re-reading it to cope with the narcissists in my family.
No one EVER protected or supported me!! Both parents narcissistic, father sexually abused me.
I am so sorry. 😢 I can relate about not being protected.
I'm so sorry. I had a similar experience, though the worst my Dad did was crack sexual jokes about me.
My situation is the same. It is a lot to process. We have to have boundaries for our own protection. Since, my family did not honor any boundaries, no contact was my only option to save my health. My 2 narc parents never supported me or were ever there when I needed parents. It’s a lot to heal from that!
I’m really really sorry to hear about this. It makes me sick that a parent could do this to their child and then get away with it. 😢. I hope things are better now.
No need to imagine! My brain tumor was “them being great”. The long term post care is their “sacrifice”. It’s ridiculous they had to do so much for years….😢😢😢
He was frustrated he had to take care of our toddlers back than. (Note he didn’t as I setup care) “It was so tough on him b/c he was driving back & forth.” 😮 I was fighting to survive.
Ah yes, the martyrdom syndrome. I'm so sorry you got subjected to that! It's too real when it's a parent or SO/spouse. Always give yourself the credit - never them!
Today at my doctor's appointment, stepped on the scale, and discovered I had lost 20 pounds.
In my therapy session today I share my great news with my therapist.
I chose not to say a single word to my narcissistic spouse, avoiding the time, hurt, and pain their words could cause.
It took me 2 years of consistent journaling/focused doodling, therapy, reading, and consistent expert posts - epescially Dr. R and Dr. C - to get through the darkest point of recovering. For a long time, I had a hard time squaring the sense that when I married mine, it always, always felt like being in a trifecta-relationship with my widowed mother-in-law.
My narcissist father told my younger sister who had health issues as a kid that she COST him the most out of all 6 of us. Then as an adult, told her because of her existing health issues into adulthood she would probably be the next one that would pass away!
In my first thirty five years I had no one to defend me, I had no one to take my side, I was completely alone having to always defend myself as they kept on attacking me!!! Even when I was being treated unfairly on almost every job I had, no one defend me, no one took my side!!! I had people around me but I was still alone, no one cared about me!!!
I'm really sorry you were in that situation. I hope you never are again. Best wishes
I've seen it narcissistic - can't-care-less directed at me after I came close to death and was hospitalized. I've seen it directed towards people in the family of lesser stature.
A person's status plays a role in the degree they will concern themselves with your health problem.
Thank you yet again Dr. Ramani for helping me identify the patterns of these unhealthy choices and relationships. While unable to change the past, am learning to learn from it, and hopefully preventing the patterns from haunting the future. These miserable people fail to see or celebrate The Magic of each unique individual, especially sad to witness the harm it does to children of all ages. Thank you for empowering us for better days to come!❤️
Appreciate your wealth of information 💛
I didn't have a problem with him blaming me for the inconvenience, but I did have a problem where he basically left me at the hospital in the ICU with no contact, dropped our kids off with his mother for her to deal with, and then used my illness as an excuse to get out of work. Told his boss he was at the hospital with me and that I was near death and he couldn't leave. The part about me was true but he was not there with me. Using me to lie to his boss so he could go off and do what he wanted.
The only good thing is that I think this incident is what made me finally reach my breaking point with him. I'd known for a long time how selfish she was, but I always thought that if it ever came down to a moment like that then he would at least be there for me that kind of moment of desperate need... And for him to let me down like that and what I could call my moment of greatest need... It's something I don't think I'll ever completely forget or forgive him for. It brought a resentment for him in my heart that I didn't think was possible. 😢
Quite typical. To the entire world, The look like the caring, supportive partner. We know better.
My son-in-law's mother went to see him at home, after he was put on dialysis; he was considered legally blind; he wasn't doing well; she said "well, I've come to see you, do I have to come over anymore? I have clients to take care of"; she's a hair dresser. He was dying, STILL wouldn't come see him "because I can't see that"; basically, she stated that her son's illness was so inconvenient for her; my son-in-law was angry & upset that she couldn't come over.
My ex narc husband complained about trips to the ER required by my Dr. Years later he complained and accused me of not needing to go to ER. Very abusive, dismissive and negligent.
You make learning about my covert narcissist mother so much less depressing. ❤❤❤
You've explained my experiences with teachers, and students influenced by the teachers, when I got very sick on an overseas tour. I lost 15 kgs and missed school for 2 weeks recovering. The teachers involved tried to bully me subsequently throughout the remainder of my school life. They needed to justify their actions and remain self righteous by blaming me. My family origin, step-dad and brother, hated it when I started to achieve things. They liked me to be a scapegoat or loser to justify their own insecurities, seeing me as a threat.
I am glad you recovered and are seeing those individuals for who they truly are.
My mother didn't care at all when I got cancer.
My father only cares about his own cancer. Never asks me how I am doing. It's always been this way.
My ex-narc relationship he got more and more annoyed and angry with me when I got more and more exhausted and sick. So he left. Thank God he showed who he really is.
And thank God I recovered quick after my cancer surgery ❤
And the sucsess! My ex-narc abusive ex-husband he got more violant when I had sucsess 🤯 it all makes sense now.
I have gone from low-contact to no-contact with my mom, brother and dad. My last ex-narc relationship I blocked. That gave me peace at mind. Took me over a year to block him forever and finally I do things I like to do again ❤
My last conversation with my brother he got angry and told me is was my choice I married an abusive man. Who almost killed me throwing me around. And he tried to choke me. Nobody cared. My dads comment many years back when this happened was just saying: Whats wrong with that guy?
I need to journal more. Writing this made me cry. But at least for the first time in my life I feel more safe ❤
Ok, I have to ask an honest question here. You thank God. Ok, that's fine. But why in the world do you not hold God's feet to the fire for allowing you to get treated that way in the first place? I ask because that's where I'm stuck in my own situation, regarding religious things.
It's not about religion. It's more a phrase. I'm norwegian so I don't know what to write. Thank you Dr. Ramani I do all the time and the few safe people in my life. Thank you for asking that question. I found it a little weird to write. I believe God is in everyone and everything as a Spiritualists. I also left a toxic spiritual community.
Only one time i was sick for days and my narc spouse told me he loves someone else and wanted to marry her. I don't dare fall sick again.
You should be happy you learned before investing years (40 years , 56 years) work in finding the "authentic " self.
God bless you ❤️ 🙏
Run, don't walk, to the divorce court.
My narc sister invited me and our oldest friend to a "girls' weekend" at her luxury mountain home, two states away from me. Yeah, we were all drinking a lot of wine. I was in my sock feet and at one point slipped and fell on the polished hardwood steps down to her sunken living room. Ouch! But we all laughed it off. Even thought it was quite painful the next day, I didn't want to ruin the weekend, so I limped around with them. But the following day, I almost fainted from pain when I got out of bed and put weight on that ankle. I told my sister about this and was very sorry, but could she please take me to the ER? She immediately got very disgusted and put out, but grudgingly did. Turns out my ankle was broken. And I still had to drive 3 hours to get back home. No sympathy from her. Btw, both she & our friend had been RNs.
You could and should turn them both into the board for that. They can lose their licenses for that, even if they were off duty. Also, if I'm not mistaken, they shouldn't have been drinking even when off duty, because they could have been called back into work at any moment.
@@justrosy5 Please note I said "had been" ... they stopped working as nurses when they married their wealthy husbands. However, my sister never misses a chance to bossily throw around her so-called medical knowledge ....... except for that weekend. 😧
@@tiileeves6422 Yeah, using her "knowledge" to impress others, but not using it to actually help a loved one in need of medical help. Unbelieveable!
Cluster of blood clotts in my lung. Kept telling me it was muscle pain. Coughing up blood needed to go to ER on my daughters 4th birthday. He got mad said have fun waisting your money. When he did come to the hospital he looked so pissed. 8days later I go home as I put my hospital bag down he says go give the kids a bath. He never cared when I was hurting and that broke my heart forever
As I listened to this, I realized that I never allowed myself to be 'sick' with either husband or 'partners'. I knew I would be nothing but in inconvenience to them.
Not only did he not defend me, he was the ring leader.
Dr Ramani! I am so glad you are in this world! I had this pattern and could not see. I see now. And it is to the thanks of you and others who dare to educate on narcissistic people.
There were so many puppetering relationships in my life, since a young age, the strings were not noticeable. They were, what I thought was, inherent and biological. They are not.
I do not like the things I thought I liked. I do not feel obligated to love those who abuse me. I do not feel less now that I don't have their approval. I do not feel like I have to be in any relationship. Gosh. It's a bit disorienting but also freeing.
He finally admitted to me what I felt back then. He resented me for having broken some bones in an accident because, according to him, he was "already doing too much" for me, so having to help me carry things made him mad.
It hurts so much to know he resented me over things I couldn't even control.
It is cold and heartless for someone to completely ignore the calls for help when one who is gravely ill 🤒 and bedridden. This is something that is UNFORGIVEN AND WOULD BE FORGETTING.. Period..
Of all the accuracy Dr Ramani has ever said, this video had me slack-jawed at the insane similarity to my marriage. If only I had this info 5-10 years ago. 😮
My dad does this all the time to my mother. He has permanent nerve damage in his leg and apparently no one suffers like him. My mom fell ill and her doctor recommended she do physical therapy and my dad got upset saying “what good is it doing for you?!” Forgetting the fact he was recommended to do the same but didn’t want to continue with his treatment because he claimed “I didn’t get any benefit from it”. He wants to be the martyr. What my dad doesn’t realize is that my mom is the only one who would care for him because all of us kids live far away from him. My mom views the physical therapy as her escape from him.
I was in the hospital for 10 days and had 2 surgeries and my narc husband never came to see me, he claimed he had a headache, that really opened my eyes. I left 2 years ago and saving for a divorce.!
I finally got into grad school for a career I wanted to do for 10 years and all my Narc step mom and dad can ask is, “if you fail a test do you get kicked out? If you fail classes, when do you get kicked out?” They never ask how I am doing in the program or if I enjoy it, or what I’m learning. Still to this day, they keep asking when or if I’ve failed yet. It’s sad that our Narc parents can’t be happy for their children. I hardly share my joys or lows with them anymore. I thank God my mom wasn’t a Narc, she saved me.
It's a no win situation. It's always too little or too much success.
All of the above, so true 🎯🙏🏻🔥❤️ it doesn't take years to get over a normal ending, intolerable, mean spirited cruelty 😢 we cannot comprehend it
My sister in law was upset that my daughter's cruel and painful illness was upstaging her 2 healthy girls. That's right, she told my husband's family my daughter was faking it. It was so bad that when my girl died from this genetic nightmare (after 12 years of suffering and 2 brain surgeries) that my mother in law when into such shock that she got a wicked case of shingles and the others came to me and and apologized for listening to the beast sister. My mother in law at first accused me of not telling her that my daughter was going to die from this illness. I told her MANY times and would update her regularly on our medical team's reports. I didn't loose my marbles on her when she accused me of this, I sternly said, "I told you everything, you chose not to listen or believe me. That's on you." She died 2 months ago and I ended up taking care of her at the end of life because I am a retired nurse and 3 of her daughters live far away, but the beast lives 15 minutes away. She was in a fight with her mother until the day she died (giving her the silent treatment). My MIL it turns out was a covert type NPD and the beast was her favorite kid! MIL fell and broke her hip and clavicle while her favorite child was ignoring her so the hubby and I had to rush to her house an hour away to do a wellness check. She had been on the floor for more than 12 house, surprisingly still alive. Long story short MIL had hip surgery then wanted to go home. She passed away a couple weeks later. The beast came to see exactly once and left after a few minutes.
Now we are all suffering the wrath of the beast. She really thought she was going to be executor of the estate....nope the eldest sister is and she's a great choice. She keeps threatening to get a lawyer to boot the executor out and install herself. Such delusion. The paranoia is over the top as well along with a massive amounts of projection. She's trying everything she can to slow the process of estate liquidation down to the point the other sibling have just proceeded without her. She will get every red cent that belongs to her because it illegal to do otherwise. We all have been traumatized because she doesn't have her covert mom to deal with her outbursts anymore so we are taking the beatings. As soon as the probate judge gets us in and signs off on the plan it'll be no contact for the rest of us. I bought 2 copies of your book that arrived yesterday, plus the workbook which is on the way. A copy for me and a copy for any of the family who needs help getting over this experience. I look forward to reading it. Thanks!!
I find it helpful to be armed with Dr Ramani's information. This type of person can be COMICAL (instead of hurtful) once one learns the secrets! Good luck moving forward, you are a better person that I for taking care of your MIL. PS: A narc loves nothing better than a lawsuit or threatening a lawsuit, so I wasn't surprised with your narrative regarding the Executor.
@@Julie-ti5yv Thank you. It's been really hard on the other sibs including my husband. I saw it a long time ago but they are just now seeing it turn malignant. I took her covert snotty and cruel remarks for years and said nothing. No more.
I am so very sorry for your loss. As a fellow mom, my heart goes out to you. As someone with an intimate connection to the other world, I can assure you that your daughter is at peace, happy, healthy, and keeping a proud eye on her mother's growth, patiently awaiting the time when you will be reunited. ❤
@@christelleny Thank you for the kind words of hope. ❤🩹
I can't help comparing my 2 cancer experiences. In 2000 I had cancer and I was shamed whenever he caught me crying. It was caught early so surgery was all I needed, so it was no excuse to slack off on the housework since I was cancer free after the third surgery in 5 weeks. And stress crying was shamed twice as much after I was cancer free. None of my family or friends other than my in-laws (so they could babysit during my second surgery. He didn't bother going to the hospital for the third) were ever told about it.
This time is 100% different. No one is shaming me. ALL of my friends are here for me. And one guy I volunteer with got out of the friend zone (but he has admitted that he is scared to date me because of the abuse in his past so he is scared of relationships but he does have strong feelings for me) because of his thoughtfulness, compassion, and constant verbal encouragement through all of this, especially after finding out that I will be having a mastectomy in a week and a half. What a difference!
I taught myself how to code at age 12, started a tech company at age 13 and won the Ernst and young award at age 15. My narc mother went so ballistic - she destroyed the company through her smear campaigns and framing me for all kinds of horrible things I never did. But in public she acted so kind and charming, till this day no one ever beleives me when I tell this story. Then after the ruined my company she would accuse me of being lazy and unmotivated.
I’m starting to realize that the only people who can validate my experience are strangers on RUclips who also went through this abuse.
Unreal
A thirty year friendship with my former bff ended when I was in the hospital for an emergency surgical intervention. I had a 50/50 chance of surviving. All of my friends were by side but my “best friend” said it was all too much and overwhelming and she needed to go to the movies with her boyfriend. Coming from narcissistic parents, this exchange finally illuminated the mistreatment. When I called her on it, all she could say was she didn’t know what I expected of her and I should end the friendship. Well, I did, best decision I ever made
No one defended me in childhood, my uncle later confirmed that fact 30 years later. I hate nacissists.... Thank you 👍❤❤❤
I grew up "inconvenient." I remember being afraid to cry in front of my mother when I was 5 years old because she would threaten to take my baby brother away from me. I didn't realize she couldn't actually do that nor would she have since I was the one doing all the diaper changing, but I was very protective of him so it panicked me when she would threaten that. I remember hiding that I'd broken my foot jumping off the roof when I was a preteen because I knew she'd be so mad she'd probably give me extra chores and she would never take me to a doctor anyway since jumping off the roof was my own fault. I remember being so sick with an ear infection when I was probably 14 or 15 that I begged my mom to take me to a doctor (I had never asked to go to a doctor ever, no matter how sick or injured I was) and she told me she had a cold too and didn't feel like driving me, plus we "can't afford it." I lost a significant amount of hearing in that ear. I remember being at Youth Group when I was 16 and I tripped and fell through the window. I was knocked out and my knee and wrist were sliced open as the glass rained down around me. When I came-to, I was totally blind for about 10 minutes. My first words upon regaining control of my body? "Don't call 911! Please!" I was terrified that my mom would find out I'd gotten hurt and be angry that I'd done something "attention-seeking" like let them call an ambulance. An elderly lady at church made me go to the hospital anyway for over 19 stitches and my mom warned me the whole way home about the dangers of pain meds so I was too terrified to take anything for the pain and spent the next few nights silently screaming into a pillow, under the dilusory opinion that she'd be proud of me for not taking anything. That prescription bottle sat on my night stand for the first few days and then I never saw them again. Any time I was sick or hurt, my mom would yell, "Oh yeah? Well *I* have scoliosis! If I can get up and walk around taking care of this farm every day in excruciating agony, you can suck it up for a few minutes and do your chores!"
Do narcissisitic parents get jealous and try to take you away from your spouse, too? I feel like the family of origin was always sowing seeds of resentment and distrust between my husband and I. Trying to, anyway. I was so damaged that it took my husband 20 years to get me to where I will rest when I get sick or hurt, to where I will take something if I'm in pain, to where I will let him comfort me. Bless this man... I've always said he saved me when he married me and took me far away from them. I prayed from the time I was a tiny child that God would send me a real knght to save me from my own personal dungeon, and He did.
How can you be so accurate Dr. Ramani!!! Thank you so much for saying that! I was often blamed and raged at by my ex-husband for calling out my in-laws unacceptable behavior. I felt cornered and day by day I became more quieter and tried to keep everything to myself without saying a word. And started questioning my self until I could see everything so clearly after learning about narcism. Still him and his family living in an alternative reality thinking and portraying they are good people. Thank you for all that you do to help survivors like me!! 🙏🙏
When I finally stopped talking to my older daughter, who is an overt narcissist, I was feeling so much lighter and in control of my life. When I shared my joy with my younger daughter, instead of being happy for me that I was finally in a good place, she got angry with me and said that now she would have to deal with her sister since I would be out of the picture. She completely took the wind out of my sales for a moment. I began to see that she was a covert narcissist herself. A year and a half later, I am very happy with my decisions to stop seeing my older daughter and to limit contact with my younger daughter.
Good for you. My sister was horrid to my mother. I wish my mother had the strength to do what you are doing
@@shebakali6thank you ❤
FIRST! I needed this! now I can start my day! 🤗🤗
ok not first but third... or am I first.... Am I gaslighting myself. 😱😂
@@chima1415
As Paris Hilton tells in her new song nor first nor third place is winning love so you should get your parents love or you should have a lover.That's her consciousness.It's a new song.
Amen.
@@DzsM-rz7gu How can we deny the DEEP Truths of PARIS HILTON, our modern day GURU! Amen indeed ❤
My mother was diagnosed with colon cancer. My fathers response...." whos going to take care of the garden"....abhorrant man.
I was included in an article in a nationally-known newspaper, with my quotes and a nice photo of me. It came out well, and I was proud of it. I texted the link to my narc domestic associate - no response whatsoever. Then I texted it to my narc sister - "I'm too busy right now," she replied. The article took less than 5 minutes to read. They both made me feel bad about something good.
My husband was annoyed when i had a hip replacement and when i had a benign tumor on my spine. He made my life hell for 4 yrs. I was a total inconvenience to him. I now have my plan B,C, and D activated. He is now older and not too active any more. I call it karma. He is sooooo afraid of being alone. I must admit i take pleasure in seeing him like that…. He now feels insecure and I love that. I cannot help my feelings. He caused me so much pain, he deserves to be afraid!!!!!
0:28 When you are sick
8:30 When celebrating your success
24:24 When they see you happy
34:07 When you need them to have your back
When I was having chest pains and symptoms of a heart attack, I called my x narc partner (of 12 year relationship). He didnt pick up, so I text him that I needed him. He asked me why I would call or text him about this? He said there were other people I could call, neighbors, etc. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I went NO CONTACT after this. If he couldn’t care less about my life, he needed to be GONE. He did me a favour.
Mine (who I'm still struggling to decide if it's narcissism or something else) didn't flat- out tell me I was being an inconvenience, but did avoid the subject altogether when I repeatedly said I was worried I might need to go to the ER or at least quick care for pain in my mouth. The pain turned to swelling until I was at the point where I could barely even take in liquids. I finally had to tell them the morning we were supposed to be heading back home from vacation that I needed to go to the ER. It turned out to be a tooth abscess. About a week later, I was having an extraction and was officially placed on a soft diet for the next week. Oh, and the infection was in nerves that branch out from the face. In danger of moving into the brain. I'm honestly still frustrated and disappointed that they clearly didn't take me serious when I was in immense pain and had symptoms that could literally be seen! Half of my face was so puffy that the eye could barely open! Wtf?!😢
And, imagine learning this when you are having brain surgery for epilepsy, you share 3 children and your narcissistic husband has watched your suffer seizures for a decade - but makes it clear that your illness has been stressful for him-in anger as he rages. That was the mark of the end of a 25 year relationship.
When dna-dad passed my MOMster & Narc SIBLING continued the famdamnly Narc tradition. With six DECADES of reflection's it seems to be that it's always only the important things that they disappear.
I was 3-4 days post op of a pretty major surgery, we had got into it about something, he takes my unlocked phone and runs down my apartment hallway.. Forcing me to have to get up and yell for him to bring my phone back chasing him around. They really don’t care about us at all to do these types of things. It’s crazy.
This is why I don't date. Right here.
If I catch a cold or any other illnesses I am treated like a leper, I'm expected to wear a mask and gloves and keep my distance.
If she catches a cold weeks later I'm blamed for bringing the virus into the house.
Yet if out of the blue she catches a cold etc she takes no precautions to protect me.
My ex narc had elective surgery when I was having life saving surgery during my 3rd cancer diagnosis. He told me it would have inconvenienced a lot of people if he had changed the date. Then, he had the nerve to tell me he didn't think it was "serious". I guess metastatic cancer is not serious, but this same jerk had a meltdown when he was told he had low blood pressure. Good riddance!!!!
During my cancer caretaker years (my mom, then later my husband)...whew, I learned so, so much about the people around me. Their behavior during those times made some of my very difficult decisions very easy to make.
I was once accused of having a surgery "intentionally" on a day when I "should have known that he would have plans"! 😂
Thank you for this, I’ve purchased your book ‘It’s Not You’. Your content has provided me with lots of “lightbulb moments” and insight I hadn’t even thought too deeply about. Thank you very much.
That's what I did last time and then he did the Hoover.... I was 1200 miles away and it didn't work.
I was put-down for the inconvenience of my long term health issues, and also put-down for "wasting money" seeking alternative treatments where mainstream medicine failed.
No, because my mother never took care of me when I was sick as a child. My dad did & he was a great nurse. ❤❤
Dr. Ramani, are survivors of Narcissistic Abuse more likely to experience ADHD-like symptoms after abuse? The length of time I'm able to focus on a tedious task and short-term memory really seem to have gotten worse. Is this normal??
Long-term emotional trauma does affect the brain and nervous system, for sure! It is completely normal to have concentration and memory problems after enduring abuse.
Thank you for this, Christine! ❤
Dr. Ramani when you said the story about the rejection of the 5 yr olds valentine, it is huge, it sticks with a person for yrs. At about age 10 was going to spend a couple days at my cousins house; 1st time ever being away from mom; i tried saying good bye & give her a hug & kiss, and she said "why are you doing this, you're only gonna be gone 4 days?" and then she kinda shoved me away, like she couldn't stand me hugging & kissing her. It was like that with mom for years. She always seemed disgusted to get a hug from me.
You have helped me so much, Dr. Romani. I am with a narcissistic partner and there are several children involved so it would be almost impossible to get away. However, I am using your strategies and it’s working like a charm. Thank you so much.
Love you Dr❤❤❤
Gosh, this is a sad reality for me. Over the past 8 years, I've had 5 operative procedures and had gotten maybe 10% help from my partner during my recoveries. Also I was so extremely mortified with embarrassment one of the times he came to pick me up after hospital stay and I heard him yelling down the hall at nurses because I wasn't at the door ready to go when he arrived. 🥺
What is it when someone who IS actually sick keeps milking it for attention and validation? That's the problem I've had the most. Eventually you get sick of hearing about their issues when you can just hear in their voice that they're looking for the attention.
Wow! "Some people will sabbatage their own success so they can keep the relationship with the narcissist going"