The Power of Deliberate LIstening | Ronnie Polaneczky | TEDxPhiladelphia
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- Опубликовано: 9 июл 2024
- When an angry reader began cursing her out over the phone, newspaper columnist Ronnie Polaneczky had an epiphany: Magic happens when we set aside our judgments and just listen, even when we are certain that person is wrong and we are right. The experience set her on a quest to understand the true meaning of what she calls “deliberate listening.” When deep listening becomes a deliberate practice, like a muscle to be exercised, we open new creative spaces in our lives for connecting with others and fully expressing ourselves.
Ronnie Polaneczky, a journalist for thirty years, is a columnist at the Philadelphia Daily News, where she has won numerous journalism awards for listening to the city she loves and telling its stories in ways that get to the heart of who we are. She is the 2015 winner of the Eugene Pulliam Journalism Fellowship for her coverage of a growing yet vastly unheard population - elderly parents who are still responsible for the care of their intellectually disabled, aging children. Polaneczky has also written for local and national magazines - including Philadelphia, Men’s Health, Reader’s Digest, MarieClaire, Redbook and others - and is a popular public speaker and emcee. She lives in Philadelphia with her husband, writer Noel Weyrich. Their daughter, Adeline, is a New York comedian and college student.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
Sorry , english is not my mother tongue so I'm trying my best to say this . Since I was a teenager many of my friends would come up to me and share with me their darkest secrets . I said to myself ' what the heck ' , I didn't ask for this . Even complete strangers would share mostly everything when they talk to me . For many years I wonder why this is happening to me . But very recently I came upon this online article about building deep emotional connection . So now I think I know why this is all happening to me . I think the reason why my friends share their darkest secrets is because I am a natural active listener . When I listen I make laser like eye contact , complete focus , very patient and never judge . I usually talk very little and let the other person do all the talking . I am always curious and wanting to understand people .
+cybercity1984 Thanks so much, cybercity! Sounds like you are one of those natural-born good listeners, the kind that people rely upon to truly hear them and make them feel known. They're lucky to have you as a friend!
I need to develop my listening skills. Thank you.
No comments,just listening!!
I washed my clothes, spoke to 3 people on call, cooked Ramen while listening to this, only to find out that I was being distracted by mundane tasks and so had to rewind this video thrice in a row. I need to listen better.
This woman came to my school today, a great speaker with wonderful words
Ronnie, I continue to require my "Speech in English 2" students to watch this video as an assignment. The final question they respond to is: "What emotions did you feel during this speech? Why?" I wish you could see the thoughtful answers so many of my Korea students give. They are really touched by what you said. I continue to be grateful for all the wisdom you imparted and the blessings your shared. Thank you!
Hey, that's so cool! Thanks, KC! I'd love to hear what your students shared, if you care to reach out (my email is polaner@phillynews.com).
while listening we should let go of being right and let go our judgement and the world will be better... GOOD ADVICEE
Lovely piece on Listening. I had a mix of feelings both happy and sad. I had tears in my eyes listening to the connection we human beings can actually build among us. And I visualized that there could be much less occurrences of hatred and chaos if we just deliberately listen.
LISTEN AND LIVE A HAPPY LIFE. BUILD STRONG RELATIONS.
+Megha Bormudai Meghan, I feel the same way. It is actually SO simple! Not easy - in fact, rarely easy - but so simple. I find that when I let go of being right and just listen and then respond with compassion or even just pleasant neutrality, the other person is then more open to hearing what I myself have it say (i.e., the thing I was having a hard time letting go of at the start of the conversation) and even inches more toward me, philosophically, because they, too, now want more to be connected than to be right. What we both want is to be heard and known. By the end of such a conversation, we feel more heard and known; being right is then beside the point. Again, this does not always happen. But it absolutely happens often enough that I believe totally in the idea that letting go of being right can improve every action we have with others.
When I couldn't find Steven Covey's presentation on Habit 5, Seek First to Understand and then to be Understood I panicked, I had 45 people that expected to be trained using that video tomorrow. I found this Ted talk and knew Steven himself would be glad to have his ideas represented by this woman. Thank you Ronnie!
Hah - so glad this helped! Hope the training went well?
@@ronniepolaneczky8676 Indeed it did! Lol..not everyone wants you to talk to them on the bus, though.
I would chat with you.😘
@@lindastrobel4983 Hah - trust me, the ones who don't want to be talked to on the bus make it clear! (smile) I just start by asking them an innocuous question, and if they respond positively, I'll ask another, or make a comment. It's easy to discern, pretty quickly, if a convo is or isn't going to happen. To force a conversation on someone who is telling you - even thru unspoken actions - that they're not interested is to NOT listen to them. Maybe that's a TEDx talk for another time ... ?
Thank you for sharing. What a wonderful talk.
Such an inspiration to become more compassionate and to suspend judgement. We don't know how others have been hurt.
What a wonderfully uplifting talk. I am a professional coach / listener. So I was already sold on the power of deliberate listening. But for me, the most insightful part of Ronnie's talk is when, near the end, she reflects on what listening gives the listener. Sometimes when I doubt myself, when I let me imposter syndrome creep in, all I have to do is some exquisite listening - without interrruption or judgment - and it restores my self-worth. I can listen! And I do it really well. Of all of the skills I have learned in my 20 years in business it's the one I'm most proud of.
YES, Amanda! Precisely! My feeling of self-worth skyrockets when I have actually listened closely and without judgment to another person. It's such an unexpected, beautiful gift.
Awesome presentation and I re-watch this a couple times each year to remind me about listening and really hearing what people say. Making real connections.
YES! Connections are key - and I'm so glad you found the talk to be helpful, Mike!
This is so moving and inspiring! I show it to students at their Orientation, during the first month of their joining college, in a workshop whose theme is The Power Of Listening.
Thank you, Ronnie. I was so inspired. Turns out deliberate listening is just what I'm doing when my best friends are talking. I'll try to apply it to more strangers like you did.
Thanks, Terence - hope we get to listen to one another some day!
I love what you had to say about this subject, I am a juvenile probation officer, I have been for 22 years. I love working with at risk youth, however; I see new JPOs who come in and do no listen to parents and the struggles they have with their children. Oftentimes, they are judged on their parenting before the stories are told. I wish you could come and talk to our new recruits because I try to spread this as well but can't get to everybody, thank you for this!
I would love to talk to your JPO's! Where are you located? Feel free to email me at polaner@phillynews.com.
We are located in Austin, Texas!
Maybe we can skype?
I want to announce my experiment in listening. I am going to be listening with my best effort to home repair vendors, my fellow gym members, dental hygenists, and enjoy the impact on conversations. I am fortunate to have recieved training in empathic listening, and asking questions for concreteness (interpresonal skills training model of Dr Robert Carkhuff). Thank you Ronny Polanzeczky and TED for provoking my wakeup call.
Thank you for sharing! I loved listening... My heart feels a lot of things that is pretty foreign to me at the moment. Thanks for that too.
Bless you in all ways possible
You're welcome, Ashley, and bless you right back!
It’s worth listening ! It Touched my heart. Thank you
a patient human
That was freakin' amazing! Thank you Ronnie!
Love this!!!! Thank u
This is a wonderful talk Ronnie! I enjoy your writing as well!
Thanks so much, Janice!
True words of wisdom. Thanks.
+don van winkle That's really kind of you, Don - thanks! And thanks for watching and, if you're so inclined, for sharing. I'm not kidding when I said I think this kind of listening can change the world - at least, our own worlds, like our families. I can't believe how my relationships with my husband and daughter have been impacted by me just listening long enough and quietly enough to HEAR them, in ways I hadn't before. Makes me grateful and excited, all at once.
Thank you for such an inspiring talk. I admit it--I was brought to tears!
+Douglas Grendahl Awww, that wasn't my intent, but am glad you felt moved! I am dead serious about the power of deliberate listening. The stakes are life-and-death - and they also can bring us so much joy and connection. All my relationships have gotten better since I've more deliberately zipped my lips - and my judgments - so I can actually hear those around me. It doesn't mean that I never render an opinion or a judgment - it just means I set them aside for a while, in the interest of something better as a result of actually hearing who I am speaking with. That is, when I can REMEMBER to set my judgments aside. It is not always easy and I don't always do it (trust me on that ... my husband and daughter can tell you stories...). But, overall, life is better and the possibilities are broader!
happened across this, it is really good. Seriously good. Its gone onto my short repeat-listening list that includes Brene Brown.
Well done for a super practical guide to a lost art.
+Matt Swain Hey, thanks so much, Matt!
Ronnie,
As usual, you raise some wonderful points. I watched this once and look forward to watching it again at an earlier and quieter time in my household. I just want to thank you...for this and for your wonderful columns about Philly and the people, places, and things that make it a treasure. You help make Philly the treasure that it is.
And thanks for your accessibility.
Oh, Jay, your kind words have made my day! Thanks so much for sharing them and for reading my stuff in the first place. And, as always, if you have story ideas, feel free to reach out, anytime, to my work email at polaner@phillynews.com. See ya 'round the city ;)
This video deserves to have 8 billion views.
Whoa - thanks!
Awesome opening to strangers. Real Courage. I wish I had your guts!
Thanks, Stephen!
Ronnie,
I am so happy that I was able to watch and listen to your very insightful talk, especially identifying how social media comes into play. Thank you. I hope to make deliberate listening a goal for the New Year.
Thank you, Anne! Deliberate listening can be really hard - I so wish I were better at it... :( - but when I set aside my right to be right, the results are always better than they ever would've been if I'd stayed positional. I know we are all up for that kind of work if only we can stay mindful that it's always a possibility.
Such a nice talk...
Yes, I also enjoy listening to strangers ...you can learn a lot.
I find most of them are waiting to tell their stories....either loss of a child or how their parents divorce impacted them during childhood...
She is a good listener as well as a Speaker
Thanks, Ognase!
Bravoooooooo. It's a modern day tragedy that this incredible lesson only has 43k views.
Enrique Alvarez probably because you can hear the inside of her mouth while she’s talking as if she’s chewing at the same time
ANTE YANA she’s a great speaker and i dont hear anything from the “inside of her mouth”, whatever that means.
Wonderful, thought provoking, thank u
I like being right too. I learned so much from this. Thank you.
Thanks, Michelle!
Thank you Ronnie! I'm going to have my "Speech in English" students watch this and discuss it. I had tears streaming down my face by the time you finished. THANK YOU!
+Kent St Wow, Kent, thanks so much for this! Where do you teach "Speech in English," may I ask? Just curious!
+RONNIE POLANECZKY Greeting Mrs.Polaneczky!! I am currently taking Mr.Kent's Speech in English class in South Korea. In the beginning, to be honest, I came here to watch your speech just because it was an assignment. However, as the clip went, I realized why my professor asked me to do so. Yes. that is right. I always try to correct someone when I listen to anyone including friends, family, and even my girl friend. Even though the intention of judging and correcting is good, the result often leads to the damage in relationship between me and them. Now I see why. I will try to listen to my loved ones with 'deliberate listening'. Thanks to you, I added Clark Park to one of my destinations for the next trip to America in July :) Have a great day.
+신택수How nice to read your comment - thank you! I, too, want to correct people - but I am getting much better at NOT doing it, so that I can better hear what they're actually saying, It's a deliberate practice, and when I do it, my listening is so much better, and my relationships have gotten better as a result (and most were already pretty good to begin with). I am very glad you enjoyed the talk and also grateful that you took the time to write a comment here. Thank you so much!
+RONNIE POLANECZKY Looks like my student beat me to it! I know most of them were moved by your story . Have you ever heard of "NVC?" www.cnvc.org/ If not, it sounds like you have discovered the concept all on your own. Again, thank you so much for sharing your story and for helping make the world a better place. You blessed me, and you blessed my students, half way around the world.
+KC S I've heard of NVC, yes, indeed! You know what's wonderful? The best listeners I have met during my 30 years as a journalist are the ones who seem to know, on a genetic level, the tenets of non-violent communication. They never call it that, never need to label it as anything - they just DO it. Thank goodness for places like CNVC, which have figured our how to distill and present such a practice in ways that may not come naturally to many people; in other words, the practice can be learned and taught.
My teacher sure liked this enough to show it to our class so good job
I think I'm a good listener which is what I love about myself, I enjoy listening to people's stories and thoughts just to understand how people think not to prove them wrong. I think it truly can change our world into a better place once we manage to communicate with each other freely without being judgmental.
Abrar, you sound like one of those "naturals"! The world's a better place when more people like you are in it!
Thank you so much for your kind words.
This is beautiful. Thank you :-)
Thank YOU, Renee! You made my day!
We need more of this, especially in Philly
You bet - and we can each do our part!
Great job Ronnie! Loved it!
+mark mclaughlin Thank you, Mark! Labor of love - and nerves ... ;)
Ronnie, awhile ago, you had a poster in your home declaring "Don't just do something, stand there". I took that on as my mantra. Each time the enabling desire arose, my new mantra flashed before me---don't just do something, stand there. Well, perhaps this new mantra is also about active listening. Stand there. Listen.
ABSOLUTELY MY DAUGHTERS WILL LISTEN TO YOUR FANTASTIC TALK.
This was an amazing presentation. A real eye opener for me!
Thanks, Linda!
Thanks for the amazing talk!
You're welcome, NJB!
This is a must-listen video; well delivered with substantive information.
wow - thanks so much, Patricia!
Preach it, sister!
+Marie Whitehead Thank you, Marie!
Powerful talk. Learned a ton. Thank you from Brazil.
Thanks so much, Vinicius!
This is excellent !
so helpful
Thank you Ronni for your insightful and powerful speech. I’m not a good listener, but my New Year Resolution is to be a good listener. I watched a few amazing Ted Talk videos about listening which were excellent and thought provoking. I’m confident that my listening will improve. God Bless!!!
God bless ya back, Nasrin!
Well done, thank you !!
+Maria Swain Thank you so much, Maria!
to listen is to love, thank you for remind me that
"to listen is to love" - you are so, so right.
What an amazing person. An honour to listen to her.
Wow, thanks, Daniel! I appreciate that so much!
Pleasure. x
great talk ronnie! i learned something i needed.
Awwww, Jenny! Miss you!
Heart felt ❤️
Thank you Ronnie! You are amazingly engaging and just listening to you relate listening to others was a fantastic experience. I am in the midst of a relationship pause because of my issues with active, deliberate listening and this has really inspired me. Please, if you can recommend any books, workshops, etc., for me to develop this skill, it would truly mean the world to me.
+Petala18 Thanks so much, Petala! There are a lot of good books out there but the one that I think is great is one that's actually directed at parents. It's called "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk." It's a godsend for parents struggling to connect with their kids, yes, but it's also an amazing primer on how to withhold judgement in general while listening, so that the other person feels heard and known. The practice works no matter who you're listening to - a kid, a partner, a boss, etc. I'd love to hear what you think of it!
+Petala18 I'd also recommend the books/online workshops of Brene Brown, who writes so powerfully about vulnerability. I think that fear of being vulnerable is what runs beneath our need to be right - because it feels too awful to contemplate the possibility of being wrong.
I really appreciated your talk, Ronnie! It offered me a jolt of clarity (thank you) when you named the exposure/judgement dynamic of social media. Very helpful perspective, and it's sparking some ideas about how to shift that pattern and perhaps create more of a "deliberate listening" experience when I engage on social media. Have you ever seen Margaret J. Wheatley's book "Turning To One Another"? It's subtitle is: Simple conversations to restore hope to the future. It's one of my favorite resources about the power of listening.
+Tracie Nichols Thanks so much, Tracie! And no, I've not read Wheatley's book but I'm intrigued and want to pick it up. Thanks for recommending it, for watching my TEDxTalk and for commenting here!
Powerful message i so much appreciated ur world 🌎
Thank you so much! I've worked my way up the ladder to being "boss lady" of a small office. Never been one before so I'm always trolling Ted Talks for leadership training lectures. Went down a rabbit hole and found yours! Your technique of deliberate listening will definitely be useful in making me a more effective leader for my staff.
Jumping down the RUclips rabbit hole is one of my favorite pastimes! ;) I'm so glad you liked this!
Great topic.... Great speech..... We live in a culture where we surround ourselves w/ an echo chamber.... we only listen to what we already think or believe...... As time goes by we just stop listening...... I am stage 4 metastatic cancer survivor...... It took extraordinary strength & patience to survive but I lost everything..... including a 5 year relationship to a fiancee that never once took the time to just listen to how I felt..... She wasn't the only one.... from the doctors to the hospital staff to my own family & friends not a Single person ever asked me how I felt..... but you better believe every single one of them TOLD me how I should feel, how I should handle the situation & so on even though not a single one of them - including the doctors - had Any experience with cancer.... The experience of holding all that in left me very shaken mentally..... I could never explain it but I was filled w/ anger b/c no one seemed to really care...... As I listened to the first few minutes I began to cry b/c I understood exactly how the angry mother felt..... We live a culture where we can communicate w/ hundreds & even thousands of people at once but when you are actually suffering there isn't a single person who cares enough to listen.....
Jack, I am so sorry to read your very sad post and I am even sorrier for how lonely and unheard you have felt. Sometimes, I think it's not that people don';t care enough to listen but that they don't have the bravery to listen. It takes bravery to listen to someone's pain, it takes being willing to feel powerless to fix things. But if people only knew that bearing witness, all by itself, is helpful, they might do it more often, or better. I don't need for someone to fix my problem or cure my sadness; I need them to hear it, that's all. But it's a big "all" and I think social media has gotten us out of the practice. I wish you peace, Jack, and good health. Thanks for watching my TEDx Talk.
Great talk! I'm eager to practice this kind of listening.
How can I help?
super awesome talk
Thanks, Daireks!
I completely agree with her discussion about social media!!
Gracie Gonzalez same here. It’s sad that people feel that they can’t talk about their problems online
I feel like it has gotten so much worse in the last few years...
Awesome
Thanks, Beryl!
You Awesome
Empathic listening and connecting are GREAT for brain health, like for improving executive function ("thinking about thinking"). Alternatively, Judson Brewer's research (and others) has shown how getting "likes" strengthens the default mode which is that part of our brain that ruminates and is dissatisfied. Fantastic talk! I like using and teaching skills from Marshall Rosenberg's nonviolent communication, where we hear feelings and needs. In the brain, it's the difference between a fear-based mindset (more judging) vs. a need-based mindset (more friendly curiosity, coming from higher reasoning skills). Your talk encompasses the wisdom of neuroscience while focusing on an essential skill that can get a person there, thanks for sharing ❤
Heidi, thanks for this! I love the work of Marshall Rosenberg. I struggle mightily with my right to be right - which is what gets in the way of my hearing others' feelings and needs. The ego is a brutish master that way (for me) and will keep me on my toes until the day I die... ;). Happy listening out there!
This made me want to go out and motivate people.
awwww..... that's amazing ....
Well done homie!
Hallelujah is ur name
this goes straight into my "personal developlent" library
Wow - that's awesome! Thanks, Adam!
Hi Ronnie. Congratulations on the things you learned and for sharing them in such an informative and interesting talk. I teach a course on effective communication to future teachers and would appreciate your blessing to show this in my class. Unfortunately we are too far away for me to ship them all onto a bus and sit them next to you (we're in Cyprus).
Of course! I would be honored and thrilled! Please let me know how it goes, and if you want me to Skype in - wow - how fun would that be? (If you ever want to discuss, I can be reached at ronnielistens@gmail.com). Thanks so much!
I'm pretty sure that is the best possible reply I could have hoped for! I will e-mail you with a fuller response but feel that RUclips users reading this should appreciate just how approachable people can be. Thank you.
You bet!
Easily one of the best Ted Talks out there.
Aww, thanks, Greg! Your comment has made my day !
Thank you, this does me so good to listen to, 🙂
Hey, Angelica, I'm so glad - thanks!
@@ronniepolaneczky8676 🙂 I sendt it to my brother & I will keep sharing this 🙂
Angelica Share the Music awww, that’s wonderful - thank you!
@@ronniepolaneczky8676 🙂
Some of us don't care about what others say or think of us. When God is your judge. Human ignorance does not affect your psyche. Try it. You'll like it! The truth will set you free!
thank you, awesome lady :) great talk!
Thank YOU, awesome Haley K!
wonderfull speech, loved it all, but the part where you sat in the park was really funny. SHould be more courageous to do it myself. At schools listening skills and feelings would be much more required if human experience wants to improve. compassion, without judgement, with an open heart. Pulls us out of ourselves.
Wow - bringing this in to school - what a great idea!
❤
Parenting is hard I should of listen to my parents when I was younger
"The grey areas are the place of wisdom, nuance, and understanding. They're the place where we learn and grow." Yes!
Right? Yet I fight it, like a toddler!
I was just wondering, is there a transcript for this speech? Are we allowed access to it?
Hey, Amanda! For a transcript, click on the "more" button, above, and the word "transcript" will appear i the drop-down menu. Click on it and the transcript will pop up. Copyright protocols apply, but it's there for your viewing!
Listening ninja
Hi Ronnie, thanks for your video! I have one question - I'd like to share this video with my communication students, but I have some students that are deaf or hard-of-hearing. I noticed that the captions aren't always accurate (there's not punctuation for example), which makes it hard for them to follow along. Would you consider editing the video so the captions are accessible to everyone?
That's a great question! The video belongs to and was produced by TEDxPhiladelphia, so I have no control over it or ability to amend it. But let me forward your request to the organization and see what they suggest, okay? Thanks so much for reaching out, and for sharing it with your students!
@@ronniepolaneczky8676 thank you! I appreciate it!
👂👂👂👂👂👂👂👂👂👂👂👂👂👂👂👂👏👏👏👏👏
🥰😍🤗
This is the last credit I need to graduate. 2.0 speed time
Glad to help - and congrats, graduate!
Why is the I capitalized???
I wish she was my mom
Awww - thank you, sweetie!
117 thousand wise people in this world.. Well I am disappointed.. Is somebody Listening.. Who cares
I care, Jithin! Glad you're here!
That's what most English-speaking people do, ignore.
😎🇺🇸🎶🎶🔥⚡️🎧📱🦅
Thanks for your enthusiasm, Kenneth!
Yes ma’am...Your welcome.. lol
Pseudointellectual bullshit. You didn't say anything profound or interesting in the entire 18 minutes. Maybe you have time to listen to the personal problems of strangers you'll never meet again, good for you. I don't, and I wouldn't waste my time doing that even if I did. Most people are boring whiners without a shred of self-awareness, as this video helps illustrate. Also, judgements are critical to human progress, you shouldn't be so quick to dismiss them. Without judgements, we never make the decision of what is good to do, and how to do it. It is important to listen as well, but everyone already knows that. No wonder this is on TEDx and not TED itself. Absolute drivel.
+Trip Larsen So sorry you didn't get anything out of it, Trip, and thanks for letting me know.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. It sounds like you feel like other people aren't worth your time. Any reason you feel this way regarding listening to random people? I personally think that improving someone's day is totally worth it. The connections made are bound to be beneficial as well. Not to mention, I think it builds charisma and expands your comfort zone, which is always beneficial.
+Sohum Thakkar Sohum, I feel the same way about expanding my comfort zone - which is a very, very uncomfortable thing for me to do. Withholding my judgments until I've actually heard another person and gotten to know them better broadens my capacity to do so again in the future, connects me in ways I couldn't have imagined prior to zipping my lips and opening my ears. It opens my heart - a good thing - because my heart needs constant practice at staying open!