I have Asperger's. I have no idea what expression is on my face at an given time and it really annoys and frustrates me when people assume I'm pissed off or sad when I'm not. I'm usually just thinking about something. Great video. Thanks.
You are not here on this planet to satisfy another’s level of comfort. Exactly. Now that being said, ignore those who complain. If someone is very uncomfortable with your style, then let them move along. Your channel is not for them and that’s fine. Keep on keeping on, dear. No apologies needed. Your explanation should be sufficient.
A couple years ago I started hearing the phrase "resting bish face" on social media and it was being applied to me by others. It actually really hurt because it is not my intention to look like a "bish" (whatever that is) or to look menacing or offensive. Jeepers just let me live with my face please, if you don't like it don't look! I'm not going to contort my face to please others (imagine) I became insecure about my face and I am still working to overcome this. As for that phrase, I don't hear it as much anymore. And when I do I'm not as hurt by it. I appreciate Dade doing this video, thank you and blessings.
As an older person watching your video's, I appreciate that you get to the point and aren't smiling and goofing around. I'm very often serious and like you very logical. I'm sorry you even had to make this video, and that people have been telling you to smile.
Thanks. Every video I have watched, I was always impressed by your genuine honesty and frankness. You play no games and your willingness to share all that you and your family have experienced is helping others to openness and honesty. No smile? Never crossed my mind. What I saw was an honest face willing to share his transforming life. Thanks.
Dade you always have so much great insight and advice. I think this is especially important when we are interacting with children. I see so often people will tell small children what emotions to express and it always rubbed me the wrong way! I hope that you're doing well with your family.
I just watched a bunch of your videos over the last couple of days starting from the first day of your transition and I wanted to tell you what a great guy you are. Not only have you documented your transition to becoming your true self in such a brave, intelligent and thoughtful way, you have become the best kind of man. The world would be a better place if more cis males -- fathers, sons, brothers, husbands -- were like you. Thank you for all that you have shared!
Something that happened to me a long time ago, while in rehab for addiction, i wore a ball cap and always looked at my feet. I would never look you in the eyes. It was that bad. Nobody said anything to me about that, until the day I took off said ball cap, two years later, and someone actually saw my eyes. And they said to me ... I can see your eyes. And I smiled for the first time in forever. They did not have to prod me to smile, it finally took place when my therapist noticed I took off my ball cap. With my friends, when see see each other, I notice how they look, whether happy or sad, or introspective. Usually I lead with a question about them, like "how are you,' or for one friend in particular, I say his name, out loud. it usually illicit s a response one way or another, but I am cognizant of my friends moods, because I see them very often, and it is never the same two days running. Your thoughts are sound. I agree with you too. keep being you.
Great words Dade. I love how intricate you are. Thank you for that awesome break down. I know. On a personal level this will help me with how I put people into boxes and visa versa. I think by now, most of us know the characters of our close family and friends. Enough to know what "Their form of communication " is. Hope you all are doing well! Have a great summer weekend!
This is such an important topic on numerous levels that is never discussed. I walked out on a job that I loved which was working with children who had autism. My employer and the families had no issue with me. The irony is they think I left due to the ongoing stress of working with autistic children. It was the exact opposite. Yes I could gently teach any child to parrot a required role. However, the longer I worked with each child the more I became immersed in what an incredible way of being they were experiencing. Eventually I could not go to work every day to tear that down and replace it with rote body language & responses. I completely understand why families and organisations wanted these children to have inclusion etc. and I respected them all enough to leave as I could no longer do what they were paying for. It was a privilege to have known those children and their perception of the world infinitely changed my perspective on everything. Off topic I know - but the point is our rigid communication expectations are depriving us all of so much possibility.
I understand where you are coming from with this. I feel like we all have to learn, autistic or not, how to "acceptably" communicate, and sometimes we all have to present an inauthentic version to satiate the masses. Generally speaking though, everyone has more to offer if they can speak and function in their own communication style. Autistic people certainly have a perspective that we all can learn from, and I wish we wouldn't all stuff them into boxes that are comfortable for us.
When I take the time to understand how an individual communicates, life is so much richer, I mean it's an incredible journey getting to know someone and I want people to feel they can be their individual authentic selves. People are fascinating and I love all the unique ways we express ourselves.
Never bothered me that you don't smile. In fact I never noticed it until you explained it in this video. If they want humor, the viewers should go watch you Instagram. They can get their chuckles from the everyday antics of the kids and dogs. But I get your message Dade. I personally don't find it necessary for you to smile on your media channels because you only make videos when you wish to talk about serious stuff. Have a great weekend drinking a little cold beer and watching the kids and dogs and their antics. Weather up there in Oregon should be pretty good this time of year. Cheers my friend!
Thanks, Don. I appreciate your constant support and kind words. You'll have to crack a nice cold one for me... I'm on call for all three shifts right now... no beer for me :( The weather is awesome, though.
I was often told to smile from the ages of 12-16, even by my mother. I did not have the words to explain trauma, depression, repression, and unhappiness. I have never been good at being fake. Now I go out of my way to correct others who tell people to smile. I wish there had been an adult there to do it for me. And now when I do smile, it is genuine, and wonderful, or so I'm told.
I totally get it. I am constantly told I don't smile enough. And it's even more annoying when people tell you to do that in a way that makes you feel like you're less worthy if you don't smile. And I think that is more common with women. Particularly, with women who don't fit the feminine stereotype. I have struggled with that my entire life.
I just found your channel and I'm glad I did. This is a great video illustrating communication stereotypes. You do you! You are not here to satisfy everyone's whim. You are you. I like your authentic self. I like your channel and message. Keep doing what you are doing!
Before transitioning I was often told to smile. Now that I'm perceived as male, smiling is interpreted as weakness and is used to question my masculinity. Thank you for making a video on this subject! I've never understood why people feel entitled to tell others how to act and express themselves.
I was born a male, cross dressed when i was younger, and I am still a male with no intention of transitioning at all. You are completely wrong with smiling being interpreted as weak or questioning someone's 'masculinity' as a male. My smiles are genuine and truthful. And yes, that's me. I've never had anyone tell me to STOP smiling. But this is my opinion and I'm entitled to it.
I'm 63 years old and to this day she tells me to smile. I feel when I'm ready to smile I will, if it wasn't my mother I would tell them to stick it..... OK now I'm smiling.....lol you are your own person. Peace
Always tune to your channel because of how intuitively you speak about subjects that generally won't be considered important when they actually are. Never thought I'd here someone speak quite intelligently about facial expression as a way of communication. Because of this social conventional bullshit that requires that you have to displace yourself just to make someone comfortable. When I walk down the road and unfortunately make eye contact with another individual, if they smile at me I give a stoic indifferent nod, they'd probably be like that's rude. The point is, it's not that I can't smile or my facial muscles are unable to make such an expression but I'm more comfortable having an indifferent expression in my face. When I smile I feel uncomfortable, like I'm faking it or I'm putting up an act. I once saw someone comment on your video saying "why does he look sad ? " and I'm like "he's not sad that's just how his face is" if he wants to smile then he will. Its a mood or feeling that makes you do it. Can't be forced. Shouldn't be forced
Dade, your videos are so instructional and insightful. This is another, which is informative and spiritual. Thank you for your inclusiveness and your connectivity. I am so grateful for your contributions! Peace brother.
I’ve watched all your videos and I never once thought about you not smiling. You have always been imparting information to everyone and that’s usually best done in a straight forward way. Plus it’s the subject matter. I know I’ve written you notes in the past as to how much you have helped me to understand the journey of my grandson. You have helped me tremendously with a very serious subject. Now I have a MTF niece and I was tasked with discussing it with my mother and I had to help my brother and his wife to sort through it all. You are fine, Dade. We also will never escape the years of training we got through our mutual religion. Not all a bad thing except for the micro managing and judgment.
Yea! I get told to smile ALL the time. My face just does not work that way! I now have hope there is another out there.! Thanks brother for this video! I'm a 66 year old trans guy that just does not make fake smiles!!!!!!
Well said Dade, I really hate it when people want one thing from me and i cant give it at that time. I like to smile but i want to smile when i feel like it. Your so cool.
Smiling is showing happyness as you say. Probably we want to see you happy! But everyone schould express themselves as they wish to or need to. There is nothing wrong with that indeed.
True. Thank you for indicating that. I am smiling but when I am sourrounded with very energetic and beaming people I ve been asked often: Why are you sad? How I hate this question! They don't get I am not said when I am not smiling. So being with people who are laughing and smiling on leterally everything makes me feel out of energy. I don't like laughing all the time I am comunicating, spending time with someone. It is just not me, when something is nit funny why to smile or laugh? Like you said my emotions are inside me more often than on my face. But it does not mean I am depressed or sad.
This is why you remind me of a Marine, ElectricDade. You do you in the best way you know how. The people that know you the best will know what you're trying to express!
I'm sure someone has already commented on this but honestly, I've never noticed that you don't smile when talking. I don't either, maybe that's why. I've retired now but when I was working, I DREADED walking in and everyone's like "Good Morning Linda!" Ugh..I didn't feel like talking, much less smiling. Anyway, I feel you. You're fine just the way you are!
As a child, I was very shy and had my own way of communicating with the world, which was perceived as weird, uncomfortable or not enough. It was very hard to communicate sometimes, even just saying 'hi' could be the hardest task. Although today, as an adult woman, I overcame most of my shyness, sometimes it still kicks in and I act weird, I don't say hello, I am scared of answering the phone or open the door when the bells rings. I have never been taught to act in a certain way, all I managed to do I achieved by myself, all I got, and still get sometimes, is blame and derision for my actions and feelings. And it happens that whenever I fight back (99% of the times) it turns out that I am the unsuitable one because I don't adapt and "make an effort". If only they knew what it takes, if only me, my personality and my efforts would be respected... I try, and I fail sometimes. I have my own way to interact with the world and people, that is mine only, and makes me... Me. People often forget that a smile, a word, is nothing if it isn't felt by the person who does/speaks. It seems to me that for them it's more important to feel secure and at ease, even at the cost of depriving you from these feelings. Which is not right. Everything needs time. There is a time to smile, and if it's not something that you feel, then don't. It's perfectly fine. All this to say that I can relate and understand what you are saying here, maybe my experience is different, in a different part of my personality, but I felt so many times the same way as you.
Whether you smile or not is a non issue. I do agree that facial expression, arm & hand gestures as well as body movement are a more universal form of unspoken communication than any spoken language. However, it isn't necessary for your videos. What is important, is that I not only hear you but want to listen to you. I want to listen because I can comprehend what you are saying. You don't yell, demand or "tell me the way anything should or has to be". You are a very articulate, well spoken and well thought out guy and obviously know who you are as a person. Most people could be if they followed your advise and would think BEFORE they speek. When I see you, I see a healthy, masculine, young man who has a great deal of self respect. More reasons to give you my attention, time, continue to listen to you and what you have to say as well as my respect for and to you. (Yes, I do give the same to women, it's just not the subject of this conversation.) So what is this "box"???These categories and labels? Another non issue (to me). You sir, have no reason to say or introduce yourself as F to M or transgender anymore. So why impose labels onto yourself? You have no reason to "tell me" your preferred pronouns either. Why would you? Personally, all I'm hearing and seeing in your videos is a person who started transitioning from female to male. Okay, but that part is in the past! How about today? Well, today, all I hear and see is a male, guy, man, sir and "one of the boys" a masculine individual. You HAVE achieved your goal. Like you, I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve either as most men don't, but that is a different conversation. I'm looking forward to your next video blog!
The first video i watched of yours i was expecting something totally different,and what my take away from it was something completely positive. Now in this video i understand that was. I dont think i see the person on this video as a transgender man,but i recognize the man as having a very similar personality as mine. And i completely agree that when people tell you to smile,it is invalidating and seems that they are wanting you to change in order to conform to their own standards in which theyre comfortable. I think you explained this better than i have ever heard it. I look forward to watching more of your videos.
One of the smartest guys on RUclips. Wish you would do more videos. You’ve been MIA for far too long. You are a serious person discussing serious issues. So why do you need to smile? I get it.
I love to smile and talk a lot. BUT...I'm not a mind reader. And as humans (stay human as your tshirt says) we get a lot of our visual clues from someone's FACE. If you looked at people's feet, then that would be different. I don't think people are telling you what to do...heaven forbid. But a smile is something that people associate with being positive, and there is nothing wrong with that. No-one is saying you have a smile like ronald mcdonald either. But yeah, you are who you are and I am who I am...and smiling is soooo good. I like your videos as you give a logical explanation and perspective.
Peoples faces do give a lot of information, but so does body language and tonal inflection. We all use the various ways to communicate in different measures.
Personally, a smile speaks volumes to me about a person and something I love to see. The greatest smile I've ever seen has to go to Janet Jackson, her face just lights up and it makes me feel good. But, to each his or her own, if it's not your style, then it will most def. look fake.
I agree, there is something magical about a genuine smile. That is actually what drew me to my wife, she has an amazing smile that lights up everything around her. We all have genuine smiles (yes, even me;) but some of us just express them much less frequently - which is just another way of being.
Really great topic. I grew up with bad teeth so did not like to smile. At 19yo I got braces and had several teeth capped. Since then I still dont smile much because I never got over having bad teeth as a kid.
Great video, I am dutch, European decent, we generally are more serious and I also do not smile. Also I am an introvert and use the left side of my brain more, everyone is different. I may not be charming but most people that know me say I am honest, consistent, and genuine.
I was just about to ask "how's it hanging Dade" hoping for the joking response "Ahh, a little to the L or R" ;). I absolutely agree with your assessment of the topic in this video dude, 👍-up.
I'm new to your channel, and just watched your new video from 20th aug, but i think the fact that you're not smiling, just makes the whole thing more funny. Also i agree with you. I guess most of the time i have a netural or down look, and so i'm on some party or whatever, and random girl i don't know come up to me and like: omg why you're sitting here looking so glum, you should smile and dance and be happy, come and dance! and starts pulling my arm to get me up....i'm like wtf is wrong with this person? why do i have to be bubbly, hyper, sing and dance, just because you do? and why does it bother you that i don't? Well these are the people who think happiness is supposed to be something you feel every second of your life, and if you don't you're a failure - seeing someone else not being bubbly, makes them agitated, and then everything is about them, so it becomes their obsession to make you bubbly, to make them comfortable, because obviously only their form of expression is valid. But they won't get that, or they wouldn't act like that, so it's good that you point it out.
Yep! Over the past couple of years, I occasionally post a new profile pic on FB. I started transitioning 2 & 1/2 years ago and how I looked was changing of course. There was an old friend who kept demanding I smile - that's what it felt like. My father-in-law, too (and he never smiles in photos). It felt like they were saying, be like you used to be. Your face causes me pain unless it is contorted into an upside down rainbow - which was how I used to be. I was a people-pleasing construction build to suit them. That's not who I am anymore. I made a painting during that time called SMILE. It's one of my favorites. I posted it on FaceBook with the title. I felt like that was my best way to respond. I used to explain - that's my face. If it's a selfie then it's me looking at me. It feels stupid to smile at myself just so this person feels better about their confrontation with my face. It makes me angry actually. I've also gotten the same "suggestion" from a trans guy responding to Instagram posts, so its not always about not accepting the new me. Maybe the truth makes some folks uncomfortable. Anyway, I always appreciate and respect your countenance, friend. I've always related.
Thanks, buddy. It is but it's cropped on IG into a square. Check it out here on my site to get the full picture: temporarystudio.com/artwork/4160132-SMILE.html
"It doesn't mean that everything that comes out is marvelous." Well, I guess this is the exception because everything you said in this video is marvelous. Subbed, and you are amazing. Peace :|
I've seen you smile in videos, what are they bothering you about. Just keep posting, your story is helping so many! P.S.,,,if they are complaining,,that means they themselves aren't smiling, food for thought lol.
I was recently fired from my job for the same thing. Funny thing is I never heard anyone telling my male co-workers to smile. It used to bother cause I did'nt feel like I should have to smile simply because they wanted me to.
You are so awesome! I love your videos. Always get excited to see a new post. You’re a very introspective person, which I admire tremendously. My only complaint is that you have faded away from doing RUclips videos. They seem to be few and far between these days...sigh.
My videos are infrequent - it's not what I want but it's just where I am right now. I work full time, go to school full time, and have a wife and two small kids. Time is tricky to come by, I look forward to things mellowing out a bit and being able to post more often.
very well said, and doesn't this very issue represent in some way the very core of being transgender? Of what one always had to do before one transitioned? Being what we were intrinsically NOT in order to please others and to make others comfortable rather being our authentic self and setting ourselves free? No More boxes!!!!!!!!!!
This seems like an odd thing to say. I've never understood why anyone would tell someone to smile. I can understand asking if the person is okay, and that might be annoying, but I don't really see why you'd ask someone to emote a certain way; outside of something explicitly staged (Like a photo, character in a play, a painting).
I know the feeling I was never a person that would smile . But that didn't mean I was not happy and so all I herd was smile that just got to me I wish people could just mind their own business don't tell me to smile or ask me what's wrong when I say Ivan fine I mean it .
I didn't notice you not smiling. As a woman, I feel like it's expected for me to have a constant smile or pleasant expression on my face 247. But yeah, ignore the complainers.
I have been following your videos and watched your transition since week 1. Knowing what you have gone through and how you deal with it really amazed me. Thank you for sharing. I don't know if it is just me or what but I noticed you loose some weight? Are you okay?
I have lost weight, mostly muscle, though. I work full time, go to school full time and have two small kids... the gym hasn't been happening for about a year. I'm also probably not eating like I should, to be honest, I'm just so tired. You have a keen eye to notice, my friend.
ElectricDade thank you for replying, Dade. I just request on your IG account. Again like I said I really admire your hardwork and motivation. You do look tired that's why I also asked are you okay. If you don't mind I would love to be your friend,Tiff's friend as well. Thanks again and please take care. My name is Maria Lea. Please send my hello to Tiff and Zane. I don't think you have posted your second child. Anyway glad to have you replird to me. Really appreciate it
You look great and you sound great and your seriousness doesn't come across as mean or arrogant. It's just your style and I think it suits you fine. Interestingly, women are expected to smile more--and do smile more. I think that's actually a sort of burden....
Like me you don't get straight to the point any time soon - we "go around the houses". I think you don't smile because either you lack humour or are unhappy. You do look ever so moody, scary even- but at 7mins 20 secs you let yourself have an ironic chuckle at yourself and ironically it was BEST BIT OF WHOLE VIDEO!
It is incredibly presumptuous to tell a complete stranger why they don't smile, and rude to list the reasons you did. You missed the whole point of the video.
@@ElectricDade So sorry, but you don't feel like a complete stranger because I've seen so many of your videos. I only said what I see and you shown it. If I didn't get the point of the whole video you are to blame as much as me. Nearly every video I have seen from you, you seem to be putting a point across - isn't that the point. I am sorry I listed why I don't think you smile. And thank you for telling me it has upset you - sorry! Bye the way: for the record your smile at 7mins 20 did. Oh and I have always loved The Pet Shop Boys and they are renowned for not smiling, but their songs are usually funny or ironic. Talking of presumptuous - that you quite rightly said I am - your video were you looked suicidal and never said a word and did a Bob Dylan type thing like he did on Subterranean Home Sick Blues with words on cards....that was. It was also devastating because it felt like loosing a friend because it was you just cutting us off and letting us think we would never see you again. You do need to take a chill pill, and stop being so hard on yourself. Finally you do look beautiful, although I hate beards on 99.9% of people- unless they are disfigured and use facial hair to hide it, or are Father Christmas, Captain Birdseye / Captain Iglo. Thank you for taking the time to reply as no person who puts up a video has ever replied to any of my messages before. Stephen.
I may not seem like a complete stranger, but you don't know me, friend. The things you said prove that. You didn't upset me with what you said, I just didn't see a point to it, and it was inaccurate. If you want people to respond to your comments, you might try a less pointed approach. In any case, I too have had people many times not respond to my comments. It sucks when you really are hoping to connect.
I have very conflicting feelings about this. I care for and teach kids with Autism and ADD/ADHD (I also have ADHD) I think facial expressions, Voice inflection and mannerisms help so many people be able to communicate more effectively. They don’t just help people with special needs but nuerotypicals as well.
I understand what you are saying, but we also need to be more accepting of varied communication styles. Humans are really smart, we can learn multiple languages... I think if we put forth the effort we could learn more than one communication style.
Wow. Would it kill you to smile? People pick up cues, just as animals do, on whether someone is approachable or threatening. If you want to send out a negative signal all your life, just because it's your MO, go right ahead. You don't have to smile every second, but it makes for a good introduction.
Friend, there is nothing threatening about me whether I smile or not. Societally we are all told we need to smile, the truth is, for many people "smile" is not their default reaction. It's not my MO, it's who I am. What I am suggesting in this video is that people speak with depth of emotion in many ways, smiling is only one of them. To limit who one believes is worthwhile based only on a facial expression will limit the people one has in their life. I do smile, when it makes sense for me... my wife smiles constantly, that's what feels right for her. We are all different, and that's OK. For some reason though, just like with many things, one group of people is decided how another should be conducting themselves. Let's just all be ourselves and learn who each other is.
I have Asperger's. I have no idea what expression is on my face at an given time and it really annoys and frustrates me when people assume I'm pissed off or sad when I'm not. I'm usually just thinking about something. Great video. Thanks.
You are so mesmerizing. I find myself almost hypnotized when I watch your videos. Whether you smile or not, you are a very powerful communicator.
Ever thought of joining a cult of a none- smiley dictator?
You are not here on this planet to satisfy another’s level of comfort.
Exactly.
Now that being said, ignore those who complain.
If someone is very uncomfortable with your style, then let them move along. Your channel is not for them and that’s fine.
Keep on keeping on, dear. No apologies needed.
Your explanation should be sufficient.
A couple years ago I started hearing the phrase "resting bish face" on social media and it was being applied to me by others. It actually really hurt because it is not my intention to look like a "bish" (whatever that is) or to look menacing or offensive. Jeepers just let me live with my face please, if you don't like it don't look! I'm not going to contort my face to please others (imagine)
I became insecure about my face and I am still working to overcome this.
As for that phrase, I don't hear it as much anymore. And when I do I'm not as hurt by it.
I appreciate Dade doing this video, thank you and blessings.
As an older person watching your video's, I appreciate that you get to the point and aren't smiling and goofing around. I'm very often serious and like you very logical. I'm sorry you even had to make this video, and that people have been telling you to smile.
Thanks. Every video I have watched, I was always impressed by your genuine honesty and frankness. You play no games and your willingness to share all that you and your family have experienced is helping others to openness and honesty. No smile? Never crossed my mind. What I saw was an honest face willing to share his transforming life. Thanks.
Looking great, and handsome as ever!
You just hit the nail on the head; people concentrating on the container rather than the content.
Dade you always have so much great insight and advice. I think this is especially important when we are interacting with children. I see so often people will tell small children what emotions to express and it always rubbed me the wrong way! I hope that you're doing well with your family.
I just watched a bunch of your videos over the last couple of days starting from the first day of your transition and I wanted to tell you what a great guy you are. Not only have you documented your transition to becoming your true self in such a brave, intelligent and thoughtful way, you have become the best kind of man. The world would be a better place if more cis males -- fathers, sons, brothers, husbands -- were like you. Thank you for all that you have shared!
Something that happened to me a long time ago, while in rehab for addiction, i wore a ball cap and always looked at my feet. I would never look you in the eyes. It was that bad. Nobody said anything to me about that, until the day I took off said ball cap, two years later, and someone actually saw my eyes. And they said to me ... I can see your eyes. And I smiled for the first time in forever. They did not have to prod me to smile, it finally took place when my therapist noticed I took off my ball cap. With my friends, when see see each other, I notice how they look, whether happy or sad, or introspective. Usually I lead with a question about them, like "how are you,' or for one friend in particular, I say his name, out loud. it usually illicit s a response one way or another, but I am cognizant of my friends moods, because I see them very often, and it is never the same two days running. Your thoughts are sound. I agree with you too. keep being you.
I feel so validated from your words. I don’t smile often and get flack for it. Thanks for speaking about this.
Great words Dade. I love how intricate you are. Thank you for that awesome break down. I know. On a personal level this will help me with how I put people into boxes and visa versa. I think by now, most of us know the characters of our close family and friends. Enough to know what "Their form of communication " is. Hope you all are doing well! Have a great summer weekend!
This is such an important topic on numerous levels that is never discussed. I walked out on a job that I loved which was working with children who had autism. My employer and the families had no issue with me. The irony is they think I left due to the ongoing stress of working with autistic children. It was the exact opposite. Yes I could gently teach any child to parrot a required role. However, the longer I worked with each child the more I became immersed in what an incredible way of being they were experiencing. Eventually I could not go to work every day to tear that down and replace it with rote body language & responses. I completely understand why families and organisations wanted these children to have inclusion etc. and I respected them all enough to leave as I could no longer do what they were paying for. It was a privilege to have known those children and their perception of the world infinitely changed my perspective on everything. Off topic I know - but the point is our rigid communication expectations are depriving us all of so much possibility.
I understand where you are coming from with this. I feel like we all have to learn, autistic or not, how to "acceptably" communicate, and sometimes we all have to present an inauthentic version to satiate the masses. Generally speaking though, everyone has more to offer if they can speak and function in their own communication style. Autistic people certainly have a perspective that we all can learn from, and I wish we wouldn't all stuff them into boxes that are comfortable for us.
You're absolutely right. Everyone is different. Also, I must say the non-smile look really works for you. Very handsome.👍😊
When I take the time to understand how an individual communicates, life is so much richer, I mean it's an incredible journey getting to know someone and I want people to feel they can be their individual authentic selves. People are fascinating and I love all the unique ways we express ourselves.
Never bothered me that you don't smile. In fact I never noticed it until you explained it in this video. If they want humor, the viewers should go watch you Instagram. They can get their chuckles from the everyday antics of the kids and dogs. But I get your message Dade. I personally don't find it necessary for you to smile on your media channels because you only make videos when you wish to talk about serious stuff. Have a great weekend drinking a little cold beer and watching the kids and dogs and their antics. Weather up there in Oregon should be pretty good this time of year. Cheers my friend!
Thanks, Don. I appreciate your constant support and kind words. You'll have to crack a nice cold one for me... I'm on call for all three shifts right now... no beer for me :( The weather is awesome, though.
Yeah, I'd guess that the last thing anybody needs is an alcohol impaired electrical engineer. My imagination runs wild on that thread so I'll stop.
I was often told to smile from the ages of 12-16, even by my mother. I did not have the words to explain trauma, depression, repression, and unhappiness. I have never been good at being fake. Now I go out of my way to correct others who tell people to smile. I wish there had been an adult there to do it for me.
And now when I do smile, it is genuine, and wonderful, or so I'm told.
Dade, your t shirt says it all... stay human. Thank you and peace from the UK.
I totally get it. I am constantly told I don't smile enough. And it's even more annoying when people tell you to do that in a way that makes you feel like you're less worthy if you don't smile. And I think that is more common with women. Particularly, with women who don't fit the feminine stereotype. I have struggled with that my entire life.
I just found your channel and I'm glad I did. This is a great video illustrating communication stereotypes. You do you! You are not here to satisfy everyone's whim. You are you. I like your authentic self. I like your channel and message. Keep doing what you are doing!
Before transitioning I was often told to smile. Now that I'm perceived as male, smiling is interpreted as weakness and is used to question my masculinity. Thank you for making a video on this subject! I've never understood why people feel entitled to tell others how to act and express themselves.
I was born a male, cross dressed when i was younger, and I am still a male with no intention of transitioning at all.
You are completely wrong with smiling being interpreted as weak or questioning someone's 'masculinity' as a male. My smiles are genuine and truthful. And yes, that's me. I've never had anyone tell me to STOP smiling. But this is my opinion and I'm entitled to it.
I don't think it's weakness, but I fall in love easily with smiley people, partly because I'm a Capricorn, the most serious sign, which is true for me
I'm 63 years old and to this day she tells me to smile. I feel when I'm ready to smile I will, if it wasn't my mother I would tell them to stick it..... OK now I'm smiling.....lol you are your own person. Peace
Always tune to your channel because of how intuitively you speak about subjects that generally won't be considered important when they actually are. Never thought I'd here someone speak quite intelligently about facial expression as a way of communication. Because of this social conventional bullshit that requires that you have to displace yourself just to make someone comfortable. When I walk down the road and unfortunately make eye contact with another individual, if they smile at me I give a stoic indifferent nod, they'd probably be like that's rude. The point is, it's not that I can't smile or my facial muscles are unable to make such an expression but I'm more comfortable having an indifferent expression in my face. When I smile I feel uncomfortable, like I'm faking it or I'm putting up an act.
I once saw someone comment on your video saying "why does he look sad ? " and I'm like "he's not sad that's just how his face is" if he wants to smile then he will. Its a mood or feeling that makes you do it. Can't be forced. Shouldn't be forced
I get it, I have an at rest indifferent face too. Many times when I smile it is because I have made a decision to do so.
BRAVO! Thank you for putting this in a way many can understand.
Dade, your videos are so instructional and insightful. This is another, which is informative and spiritual. Thank you for your inclusiveness and your connectivity.
I am so grateful for your contributions! Peace brother.
I’ve watched all your videos and I never once thought about you not smiling. You have always been imparting information to everyone and that’s usually best done in a straight forward way. Plus it’s the subject matter. I know I’ve written you notes in the past as to how much you have helped me to understand the journey of my grandson. You have helped me tremendously with a very serious subject. Now I have a MTF niece and I was tasked with discussing it with my mother and I had to help my brother and his wife to sort through it all.
You are fine, Dade. We also will never escape the years of training we got through our mutual religion. Not all a bad thing except for the micro managing and judgment.
Dade.. welcome back,, your words are touching,, my grandchildren many times walk in , never smiling, but know I love a hug.
genius! Totally agree on what you say about communication.
you are very clear and speak very well. Love your videos
Yea! I get told to smile ALL the time. My face just does not work that way! I now have hope there is another out there.! Thanks brother for this video! I'm a 66 year old trans guy that just does not make fake smiles!!!!!!
Well said Dade, I really hate it when people want one thing from me and i cant give it at that time. I like to smile but i want to smile when i feel like it. Your so cool.
Smiling is showing happyness as you say. Probably we want to see you happy! But everyone schould express themselves as they wish to or need to. There is nothing wrong with that indeed.
So well said and explained, Dade. I feel similar, as I'm neither a smiler.
True. Thank you for indicating that. I am smiling but when I am sourrounded with very energetic and beaming people I ve been asked often: Why are you sad? How I hate this question! They don't get I am not said when I am not smiling. So being with people who are laughing and smiling on leterally everything makes me feel out of energy. I don't like laughing all the time I am comunicating, spending time with someone. It is just not me, when something is nit funny why to smile or laugh? Like you said my emotions are inside me more often than on my face. But it does not mean I am depressed or sad.
This is why you remind me of a Marine, ElectricDade.
You do you in the best way you know how. The people that know you the best will know what you're trying to express!
You are so handsome! Wow!
I'm sure someone has already commented on this but honestly, I've never noticed that you don't smile when talking. I don't either, maybe that's why. I've retired now but when I was working, I DREADED walking in and everyone's like "Good Morning Linda!" Ugh..I didn't feel like talking, much less smiling. Anyway, I feel you. You're fine just the way you are!
wow what a goodlooking man! Good for you on being brave and be what you want to be.
I just watched your first video and jumped to this one and I just want to say congratulations
As a child, I was very shy and had my own way of communicating with the world, which was perceived as weird, uncomfortable or not enough. It was very hard to communicate sometimes, even just saying 'hi' could be the hardest task. Although today, as an adult woman, I overcame most of my shyness, sometimes it still kicks in and I act weird, I don't say hello, I am scared of answering the phone or open the door when the bells rings. I have never been taught to act in a certain way, all I managed to do I achieved by myself, all I got, and still get sometimes, is blame and derision for my actions and feelings. And it happens that whenever I fight back (99% of the times) it turns out that I am the unsuitable one because I don't adapt and "make an effort". If only they knew what it takes, if only me, my personality and my efforts would be respected... I try, and I fail sometimes. I have my own way to interact with the world and people, that is mine only, and makes me... Me.
People often forget that a smile, a word, is nothing if it isn't felt by the person who does/speaks. It seems to me that for them it's more important to feel secure and at ease, even at the cost of depriving you from these feelings. Which is not right. Everything needs time. There is a time to smile, and if it's not something that you feel, then don't. It's perfectly fine.
All this to say that I can relate and understand what you are saying here, maybe my experience is different, in a different part of my personality, but I felt so many times the same way as you.
Whether you smile or not is a non issue. I do agree that facial expression, arm & hand gestures as well as body movement are a more universal form of unspoken communication than any spoken language. However, it isn't necessary for your videos. What is important, is that I not only hear you but want to listen to you. I want to listen because I can comprehend what you are saying. You don't yell, demand or "tell me the way anything should or has to be". You are a very articulate, well spoken and well thought out guy and obviously know who you are as a person. Most people could be if they followed your advise and would think BEFORE they speek.
When I see you, I see a healthy, masculine, young man who has a great deal of self respect. More reasons to give you my attention, time, continue to listen to you and what you have to say as well as my respect for and to you. (Yes, I do give the same to women, it's just not the subject of this conversation.)
So what is this "box"???These categories and labels? Another non issue (to me). You sir, have no reason to say or introduce yourself as F to M or transgender anymore. So why impose labels onto yourself? You have no reason to "tell me" your preferred pronouns either. Why would you? Personally, all I'm hearing and seeing in your videos is a person who started transitioning from female to male. Okay, but that part is in the past! How about today? Well, today, all I hear and see is a male, guy, man, sir and "one of the boys" a masculine individual. You HAVE achieved your goal.
Like you, I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve either as most men don't, but that is a different conversation.
I'm looking forward to your next video blog!
Hey, Dade, Tickle, Tickle, Tickle!🖼🌞
You are perfectly right!!!
Dade, i do 100% agree.
Tanks for this Video
Just be you, Dade. You're awesome
The first video i watched of yours i was expecting something totally different,and what my take away from it was something completely positive. Now in this video i understand that was. I dont think i see the person on this video as a transgender man,but i recognize the man as having a very similar personality as mine. And i completely agree that when people tell you to smile,it is invalidating and seems that they are wanting you to change in order to conform to their own standards in which theyre comfortable. I think you explained this better than i have ever heard it. I look forward to watching more of your videos.
One of the smartest guys on RUclips. Wish you would do more videos. You’ve been MIA for far too long. You are a serious person discussing serious issues. So why do you need to smile? I get it.
Thank you!!! Well said.👏
good looking👍
I love to smile and talk a lot.
BUT...I'm not a mind reader. And as humans (stay human as your tshirt says) we get a lot of our visual clues from someone's FACE.
If you looked at people's feet, then that would be different.
I don't think people are telling you what to do...heaven forbid. But a smile is something that people associate with being positive, and there is nothing wrong with that.
No-one is saying you have a smile like ronald mcdonald either.
But yeah, you are who you are and I am who I am...and smiling is soooo good.
I like your videos as you give a logical explanation and perspective.
Peoples faces do give a lot of information, but so does body language and tonal inflection. We all use the various ways to communicate in different measures.
Stoicism is underrepresented and unappreciated.
Personally, a smile speaks volumes to me about a person and something I love to see.
The greatest smile I've ever seen has to go to Janet Jackson, her face just lights up and it makes me feel good.
But, to each his or her own, if it's not your style, then it will most def. look fake.
I agree, there is something magical about a genuine smile. That is actually what drew me to my wife, she has an amazing smile that lights up everything around her. We all have genuine smiles (yes, even me;) but some of us just express them much less frequently - which is just another way of being.
Totally agree with you...👍
Really great topic. I grew up with bad teeth so did not like to smile. At 19yo I got braces and had several teeth capped. Since then I still dont smile much because I never got over having bad teeth as a kid.
Good to see you again...a nice video with some interesting points....thanks.
You look good! :) And good topic like always. Thanks!
You be you, don’t let anyone push you to be otherwise.
I could listen to you and watch you forever...
Smile or no smile:-)
I actually love your serious and masculine face !!!!keep it up
Great video, I am dutch, European decent, we generally are more serious and I also do not smile. Also I am an introvert and use the left side of my brain more, everyone is different. I may not be charming but most people that know me say I am honest, consistent, and genuine.
I was just about to ask "how's it hanging Dade" hoping for the joking response "Ahh, a little to the L or R" ;).
I absolutely agree with your assessment of the topic in this video dude, 👍-up.
To the left. Always to the left.
ElectricDade Hahahaha 👍-up, you Legend.
Yes Dade, thank you for this. One of my biggest pet peeves I am encountered with (less often than it used to be thankfully).
I'm new to your channel, and just watched your new video from 20th aug, but i think the fact that you're not smiling, just makes the whole thing more funny.
Also i agree with you. I guess most of the time i have a netural or down look, and so i'm on some party or whatever, and random girl i don't know come up to me and like: omg why you're sitting here looking so glum, you should smile and dance and be happy, come and dance! and starts pulling my arm to get me up....i'm like wtf is wrong with this person? why do i have to be bubbly, hyper, sing and dance, just because you do? and why does it bother you that i don't?
Well these are the people who think happiness is supposed to be something you feel every second of your life, and if you don't you're a failure - seeing someone else not being bubbly, makes them agitated, and then everything is about them, so it becomes their obsession to make you bubbly, to make them comfortable, because obviously only their form of expression is valid.
But they won't get that, or they wouldn't act like that, so it's good that you point it out.
Yeah, sure....now smile.
That title was spot on.
You said it Brother!!!!
Yep! Over the past couple of years, I occasionally post a new profile pic on FB. I started transitioning 2 & 1/2 years ago and how I looked was changing of course. There was an old friend who kept demanding I smile - that's what it felt like. My father-in-law, too (and he never smiles in photos). It felt like they were saying, be like you used to be. Your face causes me pain unless it is contorted into an upside down rainbow - which was how I used to be. I was a people-pleasing construction build to suit them. That's not who I am anymore. I made a painting during that time called SMILE. It's one of my favorites. I posted it on FaceBook with the title. I felt like that was my best way to respond.
I used to explain - that's my face. If it's a selfie then it's me looking at me. It feels stupid to smile at myself just so this person feels better about their confrontation with my face. It makes me angry actually. I've also gotten the same "suggestion" from a trans guy responding to Instagram posts, so its not always about not accepting the new me. Maybe the truth makes some folks uncomfortable.
Anyway, I always appreciate and respect your countenance, friend. I've always related.
Thanks Earl. I have always really enjoyed your paintings and I'd love to see the one you are speaking of. I'm not on fb anymore, do you have it on IG?
Thanks, buddy. It is but it's cropped on IG into a square. Check it out here on my site to get the full picture: temporarystudio.com/artwork/4160132-SMILE.html
Thanks :)
"It doesn't mean that everything that comes out is marvelous."
Well, I guess this is the exception because everything you said in this video is marvelous. Subbed, and you are amazing. Peace :|
Very well said.
I've seen you smile in videos, what are they bothering you about. Just keep posting, your story is helping so many! P.S.,,,if they are complaining,,that means they themselves aren't smiling, food for thought lol.
Not sure how this ended up in my "recommended for you" vids. Defending the right not to smile made me smile....just saying!
I hate smiling I was fired from all my jobs cuz I didn’t smile enough
That is ridiculous. I'm sorry.
I was recently fired from my job for the same thing. Funny thing is I never heard anyone telling my male co-workers to smile. It used to bother cause I did'nt feel like I should have to smile simply because they wanted me to.
Finally someone said it!
You are so awesome! I love your videos. Always get excited to see a new post. You’re a very introspective person, which I admire tremendously. My only complaint is that you have faded away from doing RUclips videos. They seem to be few and far between these days...sigh.
My videos are infrequent - it's not what I want but it's just where I am right now. I work full time, go to school full time, and have a wife and two small kids. Time is tricky to come by, I look forward to things mellowing out a bit and being able to post more often.
Perfectly put✌️
Looking good ⭐️
Thanks.
Recently had counciling and I'm trying much harder to be my authentic self
Thank you for returning to youtube. Each person expresses emotions differently. Be your own human.
very well said, and doesn't this very issue represent in some way the very core of being transgender? Of what one always had to do before one transitioned? Being what we were intrinsically NOT in order to please others and to make others comfortable rather being our authentic self and setting ourselves free? No More boxes!!!!!!!!!!
Truth 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
This seems like an odd thing to say. I've never understood why anyone would tell someone to smile. I can understand asking if the person is okay, and that might be annoying, but I don't really see why you'd ask someone to emote a certain way; outside of something explicitly staged (Like a photo, character in a play, a painting).
I know the feeling I was never a person that would smile . But that didn't mean I was not happy and so all I herd was smile that just got to me I wish people could just mind their own business don't tell me to smile or ask me what's wrong when I say Ivan fine I mean it .
Here here. So true
Nice to see your new blog again 😉😉😉😉
I didn't notice you not smiling. As a woman, I feel like it's expected for me to have a constant smile or pleasant expression on my face 247. But yeah, ignore the complainers.
Aw, but your so cute anyway. Much luv 💝
I never even noticed that - people have an issue with anything these days lol
I have been following your videos and watched your transition since week 1. Knowing what you have gone through and how you deal with it really amazed me. Thank you for sharing. I don't know if it is just me or what but I noticed you loose some weight? Are you okay?
I have lost weight, mostly muscle, though. I work full time, go to school full time and have two small kids... the gym hasn't been happening for about a year. I'm also probably not eating like I should, to be honest, I'm just so tired. You have a keen eye to notice, my friend.
ElectricDade thank you for replying, Dade. I just request on your IG account. Again like I said I really admire your hardwork and motivation. You do look tired that's why I also asked are you okay. If you don't mind I would love to be your friend,Tiff's friend as well. Thanks again and please take care. My name is Maria Lea. Please send my hello to Tiff and Zane. I don't think you have posted your second child. Anyway glad to have you replird to me. Really appreciate it
I've never paid too much attention to that detail. I thought you are a serious guy and I also I thought that's the way you are.
You look great and you sound great and your seriousness doesn't come across as mean or arrogant. It's just your style and I think it suits you fine. Interestingly, women are expected to smile more--and do smile more. I think that's actually a sort of burden....
First one yaaay big fan from Ukraine ))
I am also told the same.
Like me you don't get straight to the point any time soon - we "go around the houses". I think you don't smile because either you lack humour or are unhappy. You do look ever so moody, scary even- but at 7mins 20 secs you let yourself have an ironic chuckle at yourself and ironically it was BEST BIT OF WHOLE VIDEO!
It is incredibly presumptuous to tell a complete stranger why they don't smile, and rude to list the reasons you did. You missed the whole point of the video.
@@ElectricDade So sorry, but you don't feel like a complete stranger because I've seen so many of your videos. I only said what I see and you shown it. If I didn't get the point of the whole video you are to blame as much as me. Nearly every video I have seen from you, you seem to be putting a point across - isn't that the point. I am sorry I listed why I don't think you smile. And thank you for telling me it has upset you - sorry! Bye the way: for the record your smile at 7mins 20 did. Oh and I have always loved The Pet Shop Boys and they are renowned for not smiling, but their songs are usually funny or ironic. Talking of presumptuous - that you quite rightly said I am - your video were you looked suicidal and never said a word and did a Bob Dylan type thing like he did on Subterranean Home Sick Blues with words on cards....that was. It was also devastating because it felt like loosing a friend because it was you just cutting us off and letting us think we would never see you again. You do need to take a chill pill, and stop being so hard on yourself. Finally you do look beautiful, although I hate beards on 99.9% of people- unless they are disfigured and use facial hair to hide it, or are Father Christmas, Captain Birdseye / Captain Iglo. Thank you for taking the time to reply as no person who puts up a video has ever replied to any of my messages before. Stephen.
I may not seem like a complete stranger, but you don't know me, friend. The things you said prove that. You didn't upset me with what you said, I just didn't see a point to it, and it was inaccurate. If you want people to respond to your comments, you might try a less pointed approach. In any case, I too have had people many times not respond to my comments. It sucks when you really are hoping to connect.
@@ElectricDade I hate the following expression - but: I will take what you said on board. Thank you.
I relate to everything you just said.
I always smile.
You be you boo boo 💖
I have very conflicting feelings about this. I care for and teach kids with Autism and ADD/ADHD (I also have ADHD) I think facial expressions, Voice inflection and mannerisms help so many people be able to communicate more effectively. They don’t just help people with special needs but nuerotypicals as well.
I understand what you are saying, but we also need to be more accepting of varied communication styles. Humans are really smart, we can learn multiple languages... I think if we put forth the effort we could learn more than one communication style.
Wow. Would it kill you to smile? People pick up cues, just as animals do, on whether someone is approachable or threatening. If you want to send out a negative signal all your life, just because it's your MO, go right ahead. You don't have to smile every second, but it makes for a good introduction.
Friend, there is nothing threatening about me whether I smile or not. Societally we are all told we need to smile, the truth is, for many people "smile" is not their default reaction. It's not my MO, it's who I am. What I am suggesting in this video is that people speak with depth of emotion in many ways, smiling is only one of them. To limit who one believes is worthwhile based only on a facial expression will limit the people one has in their life. I do smile, when it makes sense for me... my wife smiles constantly, that's what feels right for her. We are all different, and that's OK. For some reason though, just like with many things, one group of people is decided how another should be conducting themselves. Let's just all be ourselves and learn who each other is.