Is Jonah Hill Abusive? (Chapter 1)
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- Опубликовано: 28 сен 2024
- Dr. Kirk Honda comments on the Jonah Hill controversy.
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Trigger Warning: This episode may include topics such as assault, trauma, and discrimination. If necessary, listeners are encouraged to refrain from listening and care for their safety and well-being.
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I love when Dr H humble brags about how awesome his wife is. I wish I could be that open and consistent in praising my wife!
Start now. Do the work
You can choose to be open and consistent now. Choose to treat her that way and do it.
What’s stopping you? Genuinely curious?
@@trustyourpulse
Vulnerability is hard. My family has generational issues with neglect, betrayal, abuse and abandonment that trace all way back to slavery. The issues aren’t as pronounced as they were a few generations back but due to that, my family isnt great at openly displaying affection and verbally expressing our love for each other.
So for me it’s Especially hard to express my feelings enough to someone who’s extremely close to me. Everyone has things that they can improve in their relationships. This is one of my weak spots.
Also I think that the people commenting are misunderstanding me and think I’m saying that I never brag about my wife. That’s not what I said, I’m just saying that I think that I should do it more often. :)
the fact that you commented this & then your follow up explanation is so romantic & big time sweet. your wife is a lucky woman ❤️🔥❣️
Jonah is clearly insecure, that’s where the jealousy stems from. They’re just NOT compatible. He doesn’t need to date a public figure/ celebrity type
Of course he is insecure just look at them together she was clearly out of his league!
@@ykook7000 What does that even mean? Sure she's pretty but he's rich so you could say that he's out of her league too then. It makes no sense to rank people based on a single characteristic.
@@SravyaKuchipudipeople who are out of someone’s league wouldn’t want to mold someone to who they are not
I think he may have lost the weight but the insecurities he likely had from being overweight for a while are still there.
1. Confrotational texts are never a good idea. Call your partner. 2. He speaks to her like he is the adult and she is the child. Thats the main red flag I see here.
Edit: i was in my own biases/ experiences when i wrote this. I get really angry when i see men being condescending towards women so thats what i focused on. But him telling her what she can wear, be friends with, and that she cant talk to men is really scary behavior. Do i think this woman should have posted a public smear campaign against him? No. I did something similiar once and it did not serve me. If anything it made me more miserable and it certainly didnt help anyone. (Maybe private messaging someone saying “im worried for you. Your bf is dangerous.” on the other hand could be healing and more effective. I dunno. Im not an expert just a person on youtube).
I dont want to start any fights on youtube. The good news is we get to watch Dr Honda, get therapy, and learn how to be healthy partners.
“If you love someone the right way that person will feel free.”
If you look more into the case and other texts you will see why.
but he is the adult and she is the child
@@MrPsychoPlayerWhy would she be a child? And why would he be an adult?
@@probablypositivity8918 because she is an entitled attention seeking child trapped in an adult body
@@MrPsychoPlayer- she is an adult. Period. Not sure what tf you’re on about.
Your description on jealously was honestly so helpful. I’ve seen so many articles that don’t seem to get at the core of what going on. ❤ thank you
The texts are probably the least of it. I can almost guarantee he would start fights and try to ruin her work days/nights because every insecure man I’ve ever known has done this without necessarily realizing what they were doing. They get with somebody knowing full well who they are, take issue with the things they’ve always done, start fights constantly and say all this mess about boundaries, but don’t actually leave when their “boundaries” (rules) are crossed. It is not fair to get with somebody and then ask them to change their lifestyle for you. Highly insecure men often aren’t attracted to submissive “modest” women - they’re attracted to free and outgoing women and want to throw them in a cage.
Exactly, and this is an example of when masculinity is not well-define and is toxic.
Well as a woman who’s been w a lot of men who expect me, consciously or subconsciously, to change myself, I’ll say it: Dr Honda IS better than a lot of men❤❤❤
Also your wife is a whole smoke show
I like how in the photo of Johan and girlfriend on red carpet. They’re wearing the same thing but his jacket is super low and open showing off his chest lol hypocrite
"This is taking longer than I thought..." needs to be on a shirt.
Just a train of thought: what if Narcissist is the go-to term for the general public because somehow, someone might think they are implicating someone else in less specific, and yet equally "validating" accusations? It's kind of a serious issue to say someone is abusing you but to call someone a narcissist is all-encompassing, emotionally-charged, and yet vague enough to leave it up to the next person listening to decide if they are truly malignant. like maybe narcissist = bad, selfish, egotistical and everything in between vs. abusive = possibly incriminating, life-changing, and serious. It's almost as if calling someone a narcissist might be socially more palatable and safer-feeling to admit (even legally less liable?) than the possible conversations that might come from saying "I am being abused" definitely not the only reason possible but I do wonder.
People have literally gotten sued to hell and back just for publicly alleging abuse, I think this is exactly right.
You've brought up such an important distinction here. I would agree many people would not want to call others abusers, but still want to call attention to negative behavior. By doing so, they can avoid feeling as though they are victims of abuse, or they can minimize and distance themselves from the emotional/verbal abuse done to them. Oftentimes, people do not want to see their relationship trauma in the same category as abuse. There are heavy societal ramifications, legally or socially, when a person is labeled as an abuser rather than a narcissist.
Speaking from personal experience, it took multiple friends and family members to assure me that my mom was indeed emotionally neglectful and abusive. I could admit to her having narcissistic tendencies, but wouldn't want to give a serious label to it and would try to minimize how bad it was. I also didn't want people to think badly of her.
Calling it emotional abuse has allowed me to heal and identify my own tendencies to inflict that emotional abuse on others. Passive agressiveness, guilt tripping, defensiveness, lack of accountability, you name it. We may have all done these things in varying levels of severity, and had them done to us. The label is intense, but it truly helps spur healthy growth in the right direction. Abuse should not be free from consequences, and when we experience it from others we also must acknowledge it for what it is and seek to communicate about it openly. If it is safe to do so of course. Shame of abuse hurts victims, and shame of abusive actions we do to others prevents healing through personal responsibility.
A lot of it is idiots learning a new word and wanting to use it to sound smarter.
I've started using toxic instead of narcissistic. It's easier to spell and colloquially a less specific definition in society.
yeah it's not so much the literal meaning, it's just people looking for a word that does the most for the least consequence. Calling someone an abuser is definitely bad but it also takes away power or dignity from the accuser, calling him narcissistic would serve the purpose of negative connotations for jonah without her having to use a word that's associated with physical battery, making it seem as if she fears him. at least i think that this is another aspect of it. (same reason why a kid might describe a bully as stupid instead of mean, saying he's mean is an admission of being negatively affected...)
“Treat others as you want to be treated.”
Sarah Brady doesn't seem to be aware that publishing private conversations between herself and her ex, especially when he just had his first child, is more of a warning about her to all potential future partners.
I just think it’s so wrong for her to do this. Clearly, he is an insecure guy. He has his issues. I’m sure she does too. Nobody is perfect. He doesn’t deserve to have private conversations exposed in this way.
He is a serious actor who is famous for his ACTING. He is not someone who likes his private life public and posts on social media for attention. If anyone is the villain here (and it seems she was trying to expose him as one), it’s 100% her.
It’s not even like she did this in the heat of the moment and just made a mistake. They broke up a year ago. Why do this to him?
I already know this video is gonna be good, from you calling him „this Jonah person“
When he met her, she was a surfer. Surfers wear swimwear. She is a surf instructor, she is using social media to advertise her services. If he couldn't handle being with an attractive Surf instructor then why did he even date her?
We all make mistakes. 🤷♀️
02:32 Jonah Hill and his fiancee had a baby in June 2023. Sarah Brady came out with her "exposé" on July 2023.
Actually they just announced their engagement 🙉i think she was hoping the baby wouldnt be born but once it was and the engagement happened she decided to scorch the earth.
When I hear the word “narcissistic”, my eyes just roll. It’s lost all meaning and at this point? Let’s just throw it away.
That was my same reaction to people who over use the word nazis, racists, boundaries etc
This kind of sounds like Big Ed
The amount of men that are saying stuff like “how else was he supposed to express his ‘boundaries’”??!?? Is soooo scary. This is why I am single.
Yeah, I've tried to not get too involved in reading a lot about the situation yet, but I've still stumbled over many comments saying "men can't have boundaries apparently" or "men can't have standards now I guess" or "he had pretty reasonable standards." Fucking terrifying to see.
These men don’t understand the definition of boundaries in a relationship. It’s like they half-arsed therapy and now throw around funky buzzwords they learned from therapy but that they don’t fully understand how to use them properly.
Idk I feel like I operate like a dude sometimes bc I see myself in a lot of how he communicates and I of course view it as healthy.
For example my rule for any man I’ve dated/lived with is that they can’t be friends with their exes. Zero communication unfollow them everywhere. They’ve all luckily hated their exes like myself and happily honored that boundary.
I’ve also gotten sassy with one bf about liking random thotty pics. I explained that if that means so little to him then why choose liking pics > over my comfortability? At first he thought I was just being controlling but then he understood how unnecessary those actions would be so he fully stopped. I truly don’t care to be labeled as insecure bc I obviously know that I am. AND? I’m engaged with a man that loves to make me happy and I him bc those “issues” are so minimal in our relationship.
Sarah’s timing is just insane to me. He supported her financially and even offered to cover her therapy for the rest of the year. That is not manipulative! It’s so freaking healthy and kind. Her frontal lobe is barely fully formed she’s behaving so immaturely and cringe.
Bottom line is that it needed to be communicated and that’s what he was doing. If he waited until they were married with kids for him to share his preferences now THAT is another story
Yeah the texts reviewed in this video are devoid of so much context, and even then, it's still cherry picked.
The texts here portray Hill as communicating aggressively, where in the full context of the leaked DMs he seems nothing but compassionate in how he is communicating his issues with her behavior.
He also alludes to something happening in the past in their relationship (or prior to their relationship), this situation was not explained and likely will not be, since she's the one leaking, and if it makes her look bad, she's unlikely to share. It wouldn't be unreasonable to assume that there was a more egregious breach of trust in their past (the DMs say as much), which resulted in insecurities surrounding their relationship, ultimately culminating in these restrictions he calls boundaries.
In further DMs (since she leaked 20 more screenshots today for some reason), she comes across as extremely unhinged, once more Jonah is looking quite compassionate in his communication. Everything he says is fairly positive up until the point where she appeared to take issue with the fact he was in a new relationship, six months after they broke up, and almost two months after they sexted for the last time. He then explained that he had some degree of trauma surrounding people screengrabbing private conversations, as it was used to hurt him in the past.
Ironic that she decides to trigger his trauma almost two years after breaking up by leaking private DMs over the last week, some of which make him look controlling, but most of which make her look worse.
I agree, that instead of trying to get her to change to fit what he wanted, he should have just said "nah, you aren't for me" and bounced. However, sharing these private DMs 2 years after breaking up, the week his first child was born, for what essentially amounts to a bad relationship experience, and somebody trying to make it work with someone who didn't live a life they were comfortable with...I don't know. To me she looks a little abusive herself, and a LOT bitter. Hell, she's apparently been leaking DMs all year long and didn't really start getting any traction until she brought his child into it.
Handle your personal issues in private. This didn't need to be in the public domain
It’s funny how this comes right after you’ve just had a conversation with us about the casual use of legitimate therapeutic terminology. On top of me questioning whether any of these people are even licensed, I also have to wonder how they’re so comfortable with diagnosing someone they’ve never met nor even spoken to.
They’re using a word casually to mean something different
"My wife is a professional model." hahaha! Just had to throw that out there...🤣🤣🤣
I disagree with this analysis but maybe that is because I have read more of the texts. In other texts he expresses his position in great detail and makes it clear that there are no hard feelings if she isn't ok with it and wants to end the relationship. Apparently they were also in therapy. I see him as insecure but not abusive. Whenever he first saw her social media he should have accepted that she was not the right person for him but he wouldn't be the first person to make this mistake and sometimes people don't figure it out until they are in the relationship. So he was a bad boyfriend, he told her what he wanted, she tried but it was too much for her and they broke up. In the end most people have some relational issue or other and instead of shaming them we should appreciate when people state things clearly so that we can make an informed decision. The fact that this is all coming out shortly after his fiancee has given birth to their child raises questions about her own jealousy and potential manipulation. Either way, I don't see why it was necessary to post these things to the internet.
When people are saying someone is a narcissist, what they really mean is the person has narcissistic traits. A person can have many narcissistic behaviours, without having the disorder.
That makes no sense still. It's still a misuse of the word, which could be deemed a narcissistic trait.
If a woman started dating a businessman and 3-4 years down the line felt like she wants to spend more time with him so she asked him to travel less for work, everyone would support her. But when a man does something similar then he is the devil. People mature, they change their priorities and values, and they have a right do ask for what they want.
This is the best coverage I've seen on this topic.
Great commentary and even better shout out to your wife! Reminds me to appreciate my hubby too! ❤😊
Although it’s an older situation, I’d love to hear your take on the James Franco interview after he was cancelled. I thought he took accountability pretty well compared to other men he’s been lumped in with.
I'm only six minutes in so this may be addressed in the video.
I see Dr. Honda making some wonderful points about jealousy that I think frankly a lot of guys could stand to hear. We don't get to see appropriate models in the media or from our friends and family (for a lot of us) about how to talk about jealousy in a constructive way with our partners. This is really lovely to see.
But that's only one way to interpret that text message. To say that possessiveness is always rooted in jealousy is being far too generous IMO. I hear people say things like "I don't want another man looking at you" all the time as justification for controlling how their partners dress or how they post on social media. This is about how they are being perceived by other men. It's a matter of respect and even status. My hunch is that if you got into a therapy session with a man who was, say a listener of Andrew Tate, then what he would arrive at when gets to a place of emotional honesty is that he's insecure about *how other men will see him* as a reflection of his partner's behavior or appearance.
Women's choices, preferences, attitudes about their relationships, and how invested they are in those relationships, how secure those relationships are day to day, don't really come into play here. And I think this is important to point out not only for those men who need to come to grips with their masculine identity in order to form healthy relationships, but for women. For them to see that there is nothing they can do to help or "fix" a man who is stuck this mindset, will I hope be liberating.
Jonah has always reminded me of the deeply insecure, skin crawling creeps you can find in any Hollywood office. I wouldn’t say narcissistic, but definitely something to stay clear of.
Jonah hill is massively insecure? Shocking!
What looked like narcissism in my house was actually OCPD and the natural audacity of men. I wonder if its bc narcissism is more prevalent than other diagnoses that look like narcissism
Statistically, there's actually a higher prevalence for OCPD than other personality disorders. My ex had these traits (if not the full dx as well). Funny right? Considering the overuse of NPD. I'm always like do people forget there's actually 9 other personality disorders out there.
@@samanthas8340 I remember being 11 trying to find information about why he spoke to people that way. The first hits I got were NPD, it wasn't until I learned about other disorders thru ind. research that I discovered OCPD.
I see how people are getting the wrong idea. I think we should be making sure young children are literate in mental health disparities so they can understand the world they live in. Children from areas with high rates of mental illness would understand what was happening better and be able to prepare and educate themselves if needed. In turn they will become adults who can respond to it in the world instead of blindly reacting.
Instead we are at the mercy of webmd and internet opinions unfortunately.
@syntacc8462 There are some I don't really count i.e. general personality disorder, change in personality due medical condition, personality disorder specified or unspecified - these are all pretty vague, don't have an archetype, or meet full criteria of the other "types."
As a counseling and psych major, I'm not sure if I fully agree because of how complicated mental health is, but I would agree that children should be educated at their level of understanding. If anything, I would argue that it's really non-violent communication that should be taught to children and as young as possible. Sort of what Doctor Honda was modeling in this video. I think so many world problems could be mitigated if we were just taught to honor and validate our own feelings and then be able to communicate them, make requests, and respond in kind with others.
@@samanthas8340 The children that live in homes with mental illness have to be told what is going on. They don't choose their level of exposure, if no one tells them because the children from stable homes *shouldn't* hear about complicated things. They are left confused, isolated, and susceptible more consequences of ACE
it's like saying white kids shouldn't learn about the violence of racism when black children are forced to experience it young.
Yeas Dr. Honda!!! I love how secure you are. Your wife is gorgeous!
I noticed that he was responding specifically to her saying “not a thong but k” with “I’m done”. Once she corrected him or used a tone that wasn’t fully accommodating he had an extreme reaction- more than what he was already showing. To me that could mean another layer of abusive behavior. I’m very wary of people that are condescending/disrespectful but if you react with just a small fraction of opposition they lose it.
Dr Honda, I’d be interested in hearing your perspective on F.D. Signifier latest video on Anime & what it teaches us about masculinity. I personally loved it
I always appreciate your balanced perspective
From the texts he's definitely a jerk and the red flags are waving but you're right we don't gave enough info to confirm narcissism. Dudez can just be dicks, leave em and learn ladies
Wth !! Those photos are just normal pics nothing at all to get weird about my gosh, I'm a surfer and I live near the beach in Sydney and I guess IV grown up in that culture and it's just not cool at all. I thought the pics would be like half nudes or something, go to any beach in Australia you will see very attractive men and women it's funny because I'm a surfer and my first love is a psychologist😮. He sounds like a control freak.gaslighting her into thinking it's her fault and she couldn't possibly understand how he feels, so patronizing and ohh I can't stand that crap.
that part 21:30 about psychological choices is so interesting i totally felt that, its like all these little choices you make you dont think it's a big deal because on surface it doesnt seem to have big impacts and you think you can lose on this front to keep avoid discomfort but it's a death by a thousands paper cuts and it does matter cuz one day you just wake up and realize you dont value who you are and you've been making all these tiny split second decisions that support it and feed the belief that is now entrenched deep in your psyche that you are not worthwhile and who you are isn't valuable ... and yeah even if you have left the abusive person you do it internally to yourself and make yourself feel that way!!
it's wild those little things matter
and honestly i have no interest in jonah hills private life but i just like learning from these vids what i can apply to my own life lol
She could just have said. "I won't" and end up the relationship right there.
Just starting the video. I really hope you just say “yes” before the explanation.
If you saw any of the texts they're flat out misogynistic. "Might be" isn't accurate.
Yes it's dangerous to misuse psychology terms. That definitely needs to be addressed, but i feel like we also need to direct more of our focus onto the fact that Jonah Hill is controlling and abusive??? Which is what this entire thing should be about???
How about her calling him an “effeminate man with mommy issues”, “weird” etc?
No matter you slice it Jonah hill was problematic. Even if the she asked for his list. The fact that it ended and he's moved on to me means it wasn't that abusive of an relationship. But definitely toxic elenents that we can't justify.
People are actually defending him! It’s so shocking to me. Trying to make someone change who they are is not setting a boundary. It’s so ick
💯
Best comment
Yes, 100% It is ok that they are making mistakes and just need to behave better. But i dislike how tons of people are so ready to dismiss these texts as "normal" or even state that it is her who is being abusive. Thank you, i am so glad you are seeing this as what it is- emotional abuse. it starts this way and it is important to recognize, not dismiss it. sometimes, the amount of people saying it's nothing concerns me so much. same people who ask why a victim stays. this is the brainwashing part.
What an actual slam dunk that you have a model wife and it’s not even a hypothetical. I’d believe you even if it were hypothetical but love that it’s not
It bothers me that media is discussing what is really a one sided perspective of a situation that took place over a year ago. Many of us have had moments in our relationships where we have asked for this or done things that to the view of an outsider seem worse that they may have been in the moment. We don't know the ins an outs of this relationship or what conversations took place offline, and yet we are making huge assumptions of who either of these people are. I do not know if Johan is a bad boyfriend or not or whether she is being vindictive or not, but I do know that none of us really knows what happened. Usually, there two versions and then the reality which is most likely way more complicated than we can know. I would not want to be judged on my worst moments as I know they are not really reflections of who I am. This is not a good place to be when we put people on blast to try to make them out to be horrible people, when that might not be the reality. There is something gross in the way that we feel the need to do things for public consumption or to ruin someone when a relationship doesn't work out.
How come you defend such behavior? Do you see your own traits in them?
Edit: spelling error😌
@@soilgrasswaterair that’s stupid for you to say and I was not specifically defending him if you read what i said. But that may have been too much to assume that you would think about and read with an expansive view of the situation.
If they're accurate, the texts show a clear pattern of controlling behavior, in my opinion. Considering his position, I understand why she would need more time to get away or feel comfortable sharing what happened. Also, I would never make these kinds of requests and wouldnt tolerate them from someone else. I dont need to think "He is a terrible person, in my opinion", to be able to form a genuine opinion that "His actions are terrible, in my opinion." There isn't an other side of this to me. It's either you think your partner can dress and post how they dress as they want, or you feel entitled to tell them what not to wear and what not to post, the nuance being to what extent.
Idk about Jonah Hill, but people generally have the right to not support actors the feel dont represent their values, too.
@@user-hl1ip7if9r My point is that none of us know him just as I don't know you, so I shouldn't make too many assumptions about who you are based on what you say in a moment on a chat or in an interpersonal conflict if I don't know to much about you or the other person. Also, she had every right to say no and to walk away from something that didn't suit her and maybe she did, but that doesn't mean that you should then go frame that person to the world as a bad person or to litigate their personal relationship in the public eye. Because he is an actor does not mean that his (or her) personal life is up for all of us to debate. This is something I don't like about our society. Everyone's personal lives should not necessary be up for our consumption. He did not break a law, which would have put him in the public light, this is a personal relationship that should remain as such.
Nothing misogynistic in his texts.
Here's Dr Kirk making everything feel normal again.
Dr. Honda, you are a good dude. Thanks for being on earth 🌎
Yesssssss I’m so glad you did this! I wanted to ask for it, as well.
5:19 Looks like you've got a variety of pics you can have on your desk!
What about Keke Palmer and her baby daddy?😂😂
As a survivor of actual narcissistic abuse the overuse of the word has made the world fundamentally misunderstand the severity of that dynamic in a very real way. It’s frustrating.
Just wondering - - do you have mixed feelings about the term "narcissistic abuse" as opposed to just "abuse" (with add-ons in relevant contexts, like "abuse by a narcissist") or whatever? partially bc the term is overused like you say and also bc we don't say, for example, "schizophrenic abuse" or "depressive abuse" to describe abuse by schizophrenic or depressed people? (unless i'm misunderstanding and "narcissistic abuse" is its own term which doesn't mean that)
I'm a victim of narcissistic abuse too (my ex is a sociopath, I found out after the relationship that he's a registered sex offender for preying on a teenage girl, etc. etc.) and honestly, I'm glad the term is getting out there. The first few articles that come up when you search "narcissistic abuse" are very accurate, and I think it's good that people are hearing the word more and will hopefully, in turn, do their own research!
@@baintreachasIt’s not something I say lightly and yes “narcissistic abuse” is its own thing. I’m not putting the word abuse next to a disorder, it is its own thing and well worth researching.
@@meowmirrrI’m glad you’re out of that; it’s no joke healing from that. I hope more people research it thoroughly instead of throwing the word around at people they don’t like
@@meowmirrrif your ex is a sociopath why don't you call it sociopathic abuse, then?
I love how Dr. Honda lies to himself and thinks in his head "yeah i can do this in 1 maybe 2 episodes.............15 episodes later, he says " I had much more to say about this than I thought" not that I'm complaining I just love it. the lie I tell myself is, I'm just going to stop by the party for 15 min and then go home. Morgan Freeman says "she in fact stayed all night"
😂 I laughed so hard at this because I verbally do this to my boyfriend and I when we say something and realize how optimistic we were of thinking the opposite. 😂 You’re my kind of friend!
Lol, samesies! My poor hubby, he now realizes that if I say " I'll be home in an hour," he no longer believes me and just goes on to bed 😂 Thank God for him!
Lol - I have that voice too but its not Morgan Freeman but ....maybe I should now
@@tonimedlen5371 Morgan Freeman voice is the best, because you know he's telling the truth! And it adds a nice dramatic flair!
@@paolamori31 I totally agree - he is a perfect voice...but I would prefer a female voice....maybe...
Thanks for covering this!! I love how you cover everything with compassion and also remind people that terms like narcissism aren’t casual terms that apply to everyone who messes up or hasn’t treated someone very well.
Yes, Hearing people calling their ex partners narcissists is getting so old..::
It is so overused! Everyone's ex is a narcissist these days... 🙄
Agreed that not everyone is a narcissist but abuse isn't a "mess up"
@@Charlotte8591 Thats what she is saying. Everyone acts like an asshole sometimes, aka they mess up. People like to scream narcissistic abuse because their ex was a jerk to them. It negates from true abuse.
I find it ironic that surely while they dated im sure he saw her social media and knew she surfed. Knew she had pics in a bikini. He was attracted to her. Shes a beautiful lady with a fit body. Now she has to overhaul her social media and not be herself? He wants a modest woman go find one! Dont date hot models if he feels so insecure. Get help.
also she is so young. Only turned 24, I feel as though it adds another layer of weirdness to his controlling behaviour
Supposedly how they met is that he DM’s her on Instagram. So, yeah he knew what kinds of things she posted
That’s exactly what he did, they broke up and he started a family with someone else!! He was cool with surfing pics but not the ones with her in a thong. He’s aware of the modeling industry and what people will enter her circle. It was a dealbreaker for him with us actually OK.
@@ValleyRose21did you watch the video?
This! You know someone likes to wear bikinis, and dont want a partner that wears bikinis, then dont date someone who wears bikinis
Hahahahaha Dr. Honda flexing his model-wife on us.
Such a casual flex too like (unspoken: in case anyone’s unsure about whether my wife is hot, evidence pieces 1-3😂😂😂)
Dr. Honda rly said L + ratio + my wife is hot
This is a fair analysis. Discussing the potentials are a good way to reflect on our own lives. My only concern, not with Dr. Honda, but the internet in general is that people take a small bit of information, assume they know the whole situation and promptly start a campaign to separate the "bad" person from their livelihood. That's not right.
Perfectly said. In so many of these situations we are getting a tiny bit of info and making massive assumptions. So dangerous all around
I mean considering that there’s allegations of him forcing himself on a zoey 101 cast member
They're the ones who enabled bullies in school bcuz they didn't want that negative attention on them. Moat of us got out of middle school and outgrew that, but others just bring that mentality into the celebrity culture. It was a move in the right direction to not worship these ppl and downplay their bad behavior, but ofc ppl take it to an extreme when they get a taste of power over others' lives that they lack in their own.
She is a professional surfer & model. He was basically telling her to not do her job & to approve her friends list 😮
This !!! 💯 why date a surfer model ffs
Exactly
Sadly, I've watched a lot of youtubers, both therpists and life coaches before finding Dr. Honda that pretty much propogated and claimed that all abuser are narcissistic.
I was so thankful for Dr. Honda's nuanced perspective when I found him! He was the only youtuber out there to help validate this idea that abuser are human, not born evil, they are capable of good and its not always just a 'mask' - so, yes we can very much fall in love with an abuser and their good qualities while simultaneously being hurt by them, too. I suspect my ex and Jonah have similar traumas and insecurities but im sure there is genuine good in there too.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a very specific diagnosis. Abuse is simply a clear and conscious choice motivated by a sense of entitlement to power and control over the victims. It is a learned behavior bolstered by society (as society is abusive), so they aren't "born" evil. Since abuse is a value system where the person is making choices, not a chemical imbalance in the anger center of the brain (they don't randomly pop off on their boss because they know they need the salary to have power and control over their victim), then they really don't do genuine good in the world. They do good deeds with the thought in the back of their mind that they can use those good deeds against their victim (i.e. others think they are wonderful and question the victim's abuse claims).
@emdashing5311 Abuse, in my opinion falls on a spectrum. If you watch this channel we often see people with significant attachment trauma hurt others. A lot of those people however, are also capable of good behavior because they know the difference and don't always have I'll will towards others. I've been emotionally and verbally abused by different people throughout my life and I know those same people will also show acts of kindness and even love when differentiated and untriggered.
Sometimes when someone will lay out their credentials and then have these wild hot takes it makes me trust the profession less.
At least Dr Honda will let you know he's speculating and working with the info he has. Some will jump to major conclusions and use clinical terms to label people which is grossly unprofessional.
@samanthas8340 Abuse isn't about mental illness or addiction, it is a core values system, so it is very risky and dangerous to promote the "spectrum" concept, as this enables abusers. Abuse is never ever acceptable, even if they were to do it just once a year. Abuse is a deliberate choice and with such a person's core values being entitlement and a thirst for power and control, never trust the "good" they seem to do. Just get out of there. Please read expert Lundy Bancroft's work, which is used by the National Domestic Violence Hotline. It will explain everything better than I could, especially on the mental illness and addiction aspects.
Therapists
Glad to see you covering this. I'm not an expert like you Dr. Honda and maybe Jonah Hill is great but from watching your 90-day videos here his messages remind me of several conversations Big Ed had with Liz about the trash people she shouldn't hang around and all that terrible crap he said to put her down and isolate her.
I don't know. Ed seemed ten times more aggressive and "unhealthy". And it's all text anyways, so who knows
@@WithStrangeEonsEvenDeathMayDie Exactly I'm just saying that kind of language if it escalates can get to a scary level of behaviour.
Yea I would never compare the two. Yikes! My parents marriage went downhill when my dad started hanging around the wrong people and started going out and partying. It's ok to see unwanted behaviour in your partner and realize that is not what you want for yourself and to communicate that. And it's also ok to not want to change your lifestyle for your partner and move on.
@@suras8984but that wasn't the case here. Asking a grown woman who surfs for a living to stop wearing bathing suits or do stop doing her job is problematic. Jusr because you ask 'nicely doesn't mean the context isn't problematic.
@@rosiekapun207 If a man told me that he does not want to be with someone that has guy friends that is perfectly fine. We can end the relationship right there. I have guy friends that have been my friends since 14yo. He is perfectly allowed to want that and I am also allowed to walk away. It's not manipulation. People want different things and those things can change based on relationships with diff people due to the fact that some people are way more trustworthy than others. Jonas referred to the ways those actions have hurt their trust. We do not know what happened between them. It could be she crossed lines with her male friendships. Maybe those are guys she has hooked up with in the past or maybe they are completely innocent friendships. We do not know. He is saying if you want to do x y and z I support it but I am not the right partner for you and that is perfectly fine. She now has the option to A opt in or B opt out. Her revealing these messages when Jonas has moved on, is engaged and just had a baby shows more about her than it does about him.
My dad was diagnosed with NPD when I was very young, and it took me my whole life to really begin to understand what that meant and how it affected me growing up. I know, at the very least, narcisism is a specific and complicated thing to diagnose, and it isn't a one size fits all description of an insecure and controlling person. I wish we would teach some basic psychology classes to our children in school so that the general population can have better tools to describe what we're feeling and experiencing, and learn some etiquette on not throwing around diagnostic terminology or disclosing someone's diagnoses without their consent. My mom used to tell everyone that my dad was a sociopath, and i grew up believing he was as dangerous as a serial killer or something because that's the only reference i had for that term. It's just messy and confusing.
Agreed!
My daughter (who is 20 now) she had to take psychology in High School. I am not sure if everyone has too but it was part of the AP curriculum. I also think it was either her senior or junior year. I don't think she remembers that much about it though. 😂 But that could be pretty normal. I remember getting good grades and stuff, but as soon as that summer hit I forgot a lot of what I learned the year before. lol
@@Gokce-Aysun true, in my grade school years most of my studying was just performative and going through the motions, and I've forgotten 99% of it too lol
@@Aerojuanas When I was in HS (I was class of 1997), we did not have psychology, but we did have child development. This actually helped me a lot, because I went to the motherland (Russia LOL) and I got married when I was 16. And that class, I am sure, made me a better parent. I had my first baby at 17. Which is not that common in the United States, or wasn't back then. My family comes from another culture were it is very common for girls especially to marry between 16-18 years old. Boys perhaps it's 20-24 years old. (Especially back then.) Perhaps the young people who grow up in our native Chuvashia and Tatarstan might not need to rely on a class like that as much, because of the extended family system and the faster maturity rate there. But it's still really good knowledge. And since I grew up in the United States, it was very valuable to me.
Also, it seems like Child Development connects to child psychology too. Understanding the way the child's mind and body develops, and what they need to be healthy. 🙂
They should offer more classes like Child Development, Psychology, and I even think they should bring back classes like Home Economics too. Or have a life skills kind of class. The life skills thing is really lacking in the schools my children went to. And I feel they had so much academic work to push through in those 7--8 hours of school that they were so exhausted at home. I felt so hesitant to have them help me do chores or cook because I did not want to take away their study or resting time. It's so striking how the education system took a turn since state mandated testing came into the picture. And how school ranking determining funding changed the education for our children.
I think a big problem is that psychologists took an existing word that people have used for a very long time to mean self-obsessed (based on the Greek figure Narcissus who fell in love with his own reflection) and then used it as the name for their diagnoses. So people use it the way people have been using the word for many, many, many years and then get accused of diagnosing and trivializing because a bunch of psychologists one day decided they were going to change the meaning.
As a therapist - THANK YOU. I felt the same way about Stutz. I really enjoyed that film, but I noticed that his ideas are all very much based in old ideas and philosophies. He just packaged them in his own way. Like we all do!
I liked the film because I think it might help men open up to other men, and open up to therapy.
As someone who’s done therapy for 10+ years I picked that up too. There was nothing new or revelatory in his approach. Agree it was just re-packaged.
I asked my therapist about this documentary (very excitedly) and he carefully said that therapists all have different ways of packaging the same information. That’s my therapist’s way of saying “I don’t like him very much but if it helps you, good for you” 😂
I just heard today that Jonah Hill is in a new relationship and just had a baby. Why Jonah's ex-girlfriend of a year ago should bring this up now is just weird.
I think you lack a lot of the context.
1. they were in therapy together.
2. She gave him a list of her needs.
3. She asked him for his list. (See 4)
4. The "Plain and simple" list, "if you need this:
Boundaryless inappropriate friendships with men...
then we can't be together." (Is it abusive to answer the question of what he needs when she asked for it?
Because it wasn't until after getting called out that it was revealed, SHE ASKED HIM FOR HIS LIST OF NEEDS.. )
5. "These actions have hurt our trust." (Same screenshot as plain and simple.)
6. This(now. 2023) is the second time she has been posting screenshots. (First time was right after it was in the media with his new gf. The media got it wrong, and called his new gf Sarah Brady.)
7. The first time, she wrote when talking about it. "Ive gotta stop falling for effeminate men with mommy issues u guys it’s not working out well for me but they are just so cute and needy and helpless..."
7b. She also posted a screenshot of a text she wrote where it said "like good luck buddy lol" (this is to a friend all regarding his new relationship.. she continued to write) "homie bought a house for us like 5 months ago, had me measure my finger size and named our first baby. Think he's ready for a new relationship already lol good luck Mr. Codependent anxious attachment style" 👈 imo she is clearly making fun of him. And showed her followers that.
8. They broke up not long after the text about what photo's to take down.
(Keep in mind, this is a celebrity, with issues yes. But also media, tabloids and so on and he has seen and heard a lot of hate and bullying based on his looks, no doubt the media would pick up a story if boundaryless inappropriate behavior, and other guys that where not her boyfriend when she's on the beach without him.. I see a lot of people saying "he knew what she was like.." same can be said for her, she knew he was a celeb, certain behavioral changes in public, or private(when with friends at home or something like that) is not unexpected imo.
Would also like to add. That, I don't care how people behave when they are single. Have fun, party, be as boundaryless inappropriate as you want and with whom ever you want. But if you are in a relationship with someone. It's a whole different matter.
I suspect that is also why you trust your wife when modeling with other men. There are boundaries she has 'set' and a standard that show that she respects you. You never needed to ask her for them.)
9.(after the break up and after she found out he had a new partner) She sent a screenshot of some intimate conversation between them, to him(Jonah) to show when they had last been sexting(2 months prior to the new relationship.) His response was that it was a "huge trigging violation for him, and a breach of trust" (his own text was screenshot and sent to him.) He even goes on to remind her that he has told her about some recent breach of trust from friends that has cause him trauma) + she ended up posting screenshots for the world to see after this conversation.
9b. He goes on to apologize if it's painful that a former partner has moved on, and tell her he empathize with that.
10. Another text of him saying "I have nothing to hide, but I still entitled to safety and privacy just like you or anybody else. I thought you understand and honor that. This has shattered my sense of faith in you being a human I could trust. I thought we would always be friends Sarah. I've done nothing wrong. I'm sorry if you're bummed, but this line of texting today has really deeply let me down and broken my trust as a friend." (This is 6 months after they broke up.)
11. June 2 2023 Jonah and his new girlfriend (now from the looks of it fiancé) welcomed a little baby into this world. (Que the 2 times she posted, now playing the victim. While making fun of him.)
12. She claims she posted these NOW only weeks after a woman had a baby that she hoped it got to the baby momma. (With her own words, she specifically said she waited until after the baby came, because she didn't want to cause any harm to her(new girlfriend's) baby. "Because that's HER baby.." (ignoring a new mom's vulnerability at this stage. And disregarding that it's their baby.. imo, she seems very much like she did this, to get the new girlfriend out of Jonah's life.)
13. She posted a photo where she added a text with "When I choose both healing and revenge."
14. She has also made sure that every surfer that 'sides' with her, will now cut him off on the waves. (Meaning, making it very difficult to ever surf, both in Hawaii and California at minimum.)
15. She is claiming he used darvo.
16. She is making reference to 'narcissist'
17. She told him she felt gaslit.
18. He denied it in the text.
19. At the time of these text(6 months later.) He was still paying for her therapy and offered to continue to pay until the end of the year(from August to December)
20. "I'm sorry if my honest attempt at friendship didn't align with your idea of correct boundaries of friendship and mostly I'm just sorry you are upset. I receive and respect your feelings will absolutely learn a lesson from your feelings on this experience"
"Sarah, I am taking accountability if being friends wasn’t in the right way for you, I was doing my best and clearly I didn't live up to your standards and for that I'm sorry." (He had 'used' her for some emotional support after their break up.)
21. They agreed not to stay friends (at least at that time.. seemed like the end of it.)
22. She text. "Good luck in your speed search for a wifey. Hmu when you can be a real homie not a baby boy game play (conscious or not)
23. And keep in mind. She has not shown all that much of her text. Or even in a proper order of all these text. Random here and there.
There are so many more things a lot of people are not looking at..
I hope you will.
I don't know if you have Instagram, but if you do.
Try and reach out to House in Habit and ask for the screen shots. I'm sure she has them all.
Sorry for the long comment. I genuinely want to hear your thoughts and opinion, when everything is taken into consideration.
I'm just so tired of media, people on tiktok, and RUclips don't actually look at it from both perspective and consider everything before they start calling it abusive.
Imo. She's actually the abusive one, hurt over not getting the house, the ring and baby, and knows exactly how to hurt him. By violating his privacy.
I really hope you read all of this. Lol
+ just wanted to add she has admitted to being diagnosed with bipolar type 1.
This^^^^^ thank you for writing all that out. I’ve been reading everything she posted and agree with you, she seems to be the one in the wrong. Not that we’ll ever fully understand their relationship, but it’s just so crazy how people are so quick to call someone abusive/narcissistic after seeing a few screenshots. And what you said about relationships! Yes! There are boundaries once you enter a relationship with someone - of course he liked her bikini pix before they were dating, like duh?? Everything is different when you are dating v single. Thanks again for your extensive reply !! It’s important
The ultimate flying monkey
@miathermopolis3021 thank you. Your reply makes me feel like it was worth the hassle of typing all this up on my phone. 😳
I hope he reads it and takes some of this into account.
Especially the part about her asking for a list.
I feel like they've talked about some stuff in therapy, where he expressed his insecurities, and she might have expressed her needs, that she needs her surfing and whatnot.
She then made her list of what she needed, where he then took out those point "if this is what you need.."
And she's saying now, a year and a half later to "trust her word" that he made this list of "rules." When it might just have been a response? Does that make sense?
We haven't seen the particular conversation.
But even if she posted it now, I would be skeptical about whether that's the actual list.
She threw up an edit photo where "he" is swearing at her and what not. But it's all fake. But there are people who genuinely believe HE SAID THAT. And she has not corrected that, just letting people believe he was calling her dumb bitch.. when they were mocking him..
On top of that, she has also edited out words in her text, and 'fixed' (edited) her conversation between her friend and her..
@@Goddess4moonshe also clearly deleted texts because theres large gaps as in spacing in between texts.
[s]Imagine having a beautiful gf with an hobby, how horrible 😢 [/s]
I really appreciate how your discussing this, because I felt confused but understanding. At first, by a video I was fed, I sided with him. But then…I was fed a different take, and being female, I understood her very much.
And eventually, men, seem to always want to try and make me feel less than in any way they can come up with.
People. Just remember no one controls or owns you. You are sovereign beings. Just say no and hold your boundaries. If they can’t deal then move on. Don’t come out a year later when they have clearly moved on to a new family and release one sided texts that are private.
Thank you!!! I was actually physically abused, plus cheated on, criticized and name called. All I see he did was use his therapists advice on breaking up with his girlfriend. Probably should have just ghosted her.
No one:
CC: hey German listeners
As a listener from Germany I feel very seen :)
Haha I love that for you
Btw Dr. Honda she released alot more texts yesterday
The new ones are even worse tbh. Hopefully he will go over those ones too.
Is it on her Instagram
Happy you're covering this! From my personal understanding in my time in the twelve step CoDA program, using "recovery lingo" as a defense is a sign you're attempting to control a person, and that is manipulative and not okay :/
Edit: Not saying that's what is going on here, but it reminds me of what I have learned.
I don't know anything about this situation, but just based on those texts, think about this. He's a celebrity who wants his life a certain way. He tells her his wishes and she agrees but then doesn't comply. I mean, these texts don't prove what led to this wording at all.
YES so excited you're covering this.
5:20 stacy looks incredible!! love this!
I commented on Reddit that he is just insecure but the internet loves to label everyone a narcissist. 🤦🏾♀️
Being "just insecure" is not an excuse to be verbally / emotionally abusive to your partner, though. Most abusers are very insecure.
@@rachelreynolds0430 I never said it was an excuse.
@acd1168 a lot of narcissists tend to be insecure. But I agree with people overusing the word 🤦♀️
Could it also just be boundaries in a relationship? Isn’t that what a relationship is? Give and take and all that?
@@miathermopolis3021 Absolutely. This is not just one person hurting someone else. The “victim” also plays some role (conscious or unconsciously). For me, I lacked boundaries but also that meant I allowed the abuse (unconsciously because that’s what I grew up experiencing).
THANK YOU!! People are commending Jonah for how mature and honest he was all over my facebook! It genuinely blows my mind.. Its so concerning how unhealthy behaviors are viewed by soooo many people...
The way Jonah is talking reminds me of the way some guys I know talk. It’s really problematic but I think it’s a common way of speaking for men who believe they are socially/emotionally/economically superior to their partner.
I think I used to talk like this in my 20s. They think that they are being mature because they’re very explicit and direct about their expectations.
But it’s really just being controlling and misogynistic.
All this to say that a lot of misogynistic, controlling men probably feel very validated after seeing these texts.
I don't like Hill never have, never will. However, the man was open and honest about what he needed in a relationship. There was no guessing games and the other person had a choice to stay or to leave. I welcome this 💯💯
If everyone were open and honest (with themselves and others), we wouldn't have all the crying done on dating channels comments sections, for instance, of how they were used for sex, money, attention, how "narcissist" an ex was 🙄 or whatever.
I believe people are applauding his frankness and open communication more than his requirements. It's a breath of fresh air in a world where most people you encounter (not just in dating) don't know what they want, are people pleasers, don't want to offend, are liars and/or have no clue how to communicate...or don't even do it at all.
If the genders were reversed, setting standards, boundaries and not settling for less would have gotten a "yaaaaasssss qweeeennn" from those raising their eyebrows at Hill doing this.
@@andedom I agree with you, especially that people with similar tendencies or insecurities feel validated by his texts. Really bothersome
@@alexialira3839 I don’t agree with the overall tone I felt by reading his texts. It has nothing to do with double standards between men and women, for me personally.. I would find it as equally ridiculous if the roles were reversed, if someone started dating Jonah and after the relationship progressed they revealed in order for their relationship to continue a “boundary” of theirs was: no acting. no working with women. Eliminating friendships they did not approve of, policing social media freedom, etc etc. I view boundaries as something or a limit set by yourself for yourself within your control, and I personally believe everything outside of myself is out of my control. Therefor a boundary is never something I expect from someone else. So I disagree with his whole approach, whatever that approach was. In my opinion it was an attempt to control certain things and or scenarios to comfort himself or protect himself from his own issues/trauma. Which I view as wrong. I don’t applaud his frankness. If her lifestyle, and career/passions bring too many triggering and uncomfortable moments for him- in my opinion, the boundary he should have set was removing himself from any romantic relationship with her respectfully. He did not do that, also I find it hard to believe he was unaware her lifestyle would have been triggering for him to begin with.. these insecurities don’t pop up out of the blue, Jonah is nearly 40 years old. Sarah is 26.
@@randigibson3565exactly. You don’t set boundaries for other people, you set them for yourself. It’s an ultimatum when you indicate what you require your partner to do to stay in a relationship. And his ultimatum was condescending to her as if she is intellectually and morally inept. I just don’t understand how that’s commendable. I would walk away FAST from that behavior.
That color looks great on you.
my therapist just brought this example into my session today. I have had two SO's in my past who came into the relationship with me being me, and during the course of the relationship , they began to have "Boundaries" that were not that, it was mere control over what i can or cannot do. I had a friend who has a history in her past of drug abuse, she changed her life and became a wholesome positive person. My ex told be she didnt feel comfortable with us being friends, one because i was initially attracted to her when we first met, despite me having boundaries and just being platonic friends. That being said she would confide in women that cheated on their SO's abandoning the the mutual resposibilities , and friends who participated in having sex with other men while their husband watched. I drew no boundaries, she valued them for a reason and im not jesus. But the longer our relationship went on
I couldnt vent trying to get a females perspective without having to cut them out of my life -despite being able to vent my FEMALE best friend i have known for 37 years
She could bash me in front of my family behind my back, or talk trash about my parents relationship despite her mother being an abusive alcoholic, and her dad cheating on her mom, not to mention knowing she would talk trash about hr dads new wife- i would say nothing...boundaries.
the icing on the cake, her dad got me a macbook for christmas, i almost sent it back when in a condescending way i was told i could not watch youtube about my favorite games on that device. OR play games on my phone in bed. Long story short she said she would never let someone have that kind of control in her life. Perspective is a big deal and it hurt like hell to know "there was always something " with me. But if i brought up what i felt was my form of disrespect such as demeaning me behind my back to my friends/family- she would cry and say she felt misunderstood
oh ya...she was a pyschologist too. You would have thought after years and years of education she would have been more self aware
it always amazes me that people have these conversations over text messages (p.s. great video)
He’s an extremely busy actor. Much of their relationship was likely long-distance.
I'm excited for this! There are actually pretty extensive text messages that she posted and the alleged Jonah Hill gives me major ick in them. He's just very confrontational and over-reactive.
Is it possible that these guys resort to control because if they were honest, they would get dumped? I had a boyfriend who was very jealous of my school, job, hobbies. If he had just been honest and told me that he was insecure and that he worried that I would meet someone else, then I would have just broken up with him. But instead, he just started belittling me, like "you're a horrible person, you don't even care about me, I bet you secretly go out and meet guys, I bet you're lying about being home, you're so disrespectful to me, I bet you just want to meet guys". So because he was attacking MY character and not talking about HIS weaknesses, it made me feel like I had to prove to him that I was loyal and that I not lied to him.
It wasn't even because I cared about the relationship, it was because he was making all these accusations about me (that I wanted to do this career, internship, travel or hobby because I was trying to meet guys, that I had this supposed capacity to lie, that I was secretly sleeping with guys behind his back and lying about it to humiliate him). What he was saying about me was so false, I had been honest my whole life and never flirted with a guy and never did anything to meet guys. I was trying to clear my name and I was hoping we could have a calm conversation where we would decide to break up. But he never relented his accusations, so we just stayed in that status quo of him treating me horribly, and me trying to be extra nice and extra loyal and going the extra mile to prove that I wasn't guilty of what he said. It's like I had to prove that I stayed home Friday night, I had to prove that I was a good person, as if it was going to make him feel better eventually, but it never did.
So if your partner shared and insecurity, you would immediately dump them and you wonder why guys aren't always honest...
I think there's a lot to that, subconsciously. They think weakness is worse than dishonesty and abuse, and they would rather put the burden of proof on you than look at themselves. Once you know that, it's easier to realize next time someone is playing that game with you and leave them. That usually also comes with realizing that the person that talks openly about their insecurities with you is stronger, more mature and a better potential partner than the abusive one
@@EnderPearlRs I mean yes that's the whole point, fix yourself first before you date, then you won't be afraid because you'll know you're a good partner not a shitty one.
@@maryb6748 Yes, become a perfect transcendent human being with zero insecurity before ever getting in a relationship.
@maryb6748 Or yeah know, you find someone you love. You both accept that eachother is not perfect as no one is, and some insecurities issues etc are gonna happen in any relationship.
My partner and I will share feelings even if we know know they are stupid and say that up front. "I know it's dumb to feel this way, I still do and I'm just letting you know so I don't bottle it up or treat you with resentment for something you don't even know is happening."
You work through shit and grow together. (Obviously not everyone is compatible)
You might not be the only good therapist out there but you ARE one of a kind Dr. Honda!! 🤗
I always appreciate how you give people the benefit of doubt and the compassion and understanding you have for everyone! It’s inspiring to see. I try to be more like you in this regard
Hi Dr Honda: I've had several relationships over the years in which my partner attempted to dictate how I dressed, whether or not I went to college, and which of my friends were "approved" by him. Each time there was an incident of jealousy and/or control, I became angry and it would usually lead to arguments - but in the end I know I've missed out on some of my "dreams" because of it. What do you think causes people to be jealous and controlling with their partner? Can they "unlearn" it?
Fear of abandonment and insecurity. Yes it can be overcome.
They have a picture in their head on how they want the relationship to go. The problem is you also have a picture on how you want the relationship to go. The solution is for both of you to share it with each other and understand each others vision to be clear
I’m old enough now to know that finding common ground is not always the answer. My ideal partner would know themself and feel secure enough that they would never even consider trying to control me - that’s such a red flag for a weak, insecure person. If he starts talking about how I’m dressed or who I spend my time with, it’s time to leave. Because my ideal person absolutely would NOT do that!
Since the texts are taken out of context of the relationship history, we don't really know if he's being controlling and manipulative with his "reverse psychology" (saying "you do you" when he's actually trying to get her to do things his way), or if his words are expressing genuine frustration over his oft-repeated request and her obtusely (or even passive-aggressively) refusing to extrapolate the request to apply to all photos, thereby requiring him to complain about each and every photo. Who is really zooming who here? We can't really know without interviewing the couple.
I think the point is whether he even has the right to ask her to remove them in the first place
@Aliasass he does. It is his life. His choice, who he wants to date. If he want to protect himself and wealth through having boundaries, it is his choice. The double standard is what eiks me when it comes to this situation. Women do this all the time
@@ekpedotseunscripted it’s bad regardless of gender. an actual boundary would be if he chose for himself not to date someone who models or whatever instead of trying to change and control someone else
@@grasstastesbadit's not bad. No one is forced to be in a relationship. Nobody can dictate my standards no matter where they extend. If you don't like it, kick rocks!!!
@@ekpedotseunscripted this is such bullshit and you obviously didn't watch the video 🙄
He could've just stayed away if he's too conservative instead of bullying her into deleting the pictures
It's toxic no matter who does it
Dr. Honda, what is your opinion on the book "Why Does He Do That?" I saw that book being mentioned a lot in relation to Jonah Hill's texts. I remember reading the book years ago (it helped me get out of a toxic relationship), and also remember that it was stated directly that there was little to no chance of recovery for abusers. I'd really like know if you have come across this book during your career and if so, what your opinion on it is.
Thank you for this and all your other videos!
Jonah moved on with his life with another girl and is expecting a baby. Their are more texts of him and her texting that I think Jonah posted seems he was financiallyhelping her through school. 🤔 after being broken up for a year and u post private messages without full context.
I’ve been through some struggles w my partner feeling insecure about parts of my job. It’s hard for him to do but when he is feeling insecure he reaches out for a hug and then it is easier for us to talk about what’s going on.
I’m happy to reassure him bc he comes to me with kindness and vulnerability.
Love this for y’all!!! ❤
Was wondering what Dr. Honda thought about this given how therapy language was co-opted in this scenario!
I think Jonah was trying in his mind to set healthy boundaries and limits but instead tried to dictate the actions of his partner and control her. But I do think he was trying to have a healthy relationship but ended up being toxic. So I don’t think he’s some horrible abuser. I think he has more growing to do. If I look back on things I said and did in past relationships and learned from to do better in my marriage I cringe.
I also don't see these texts as particularly abusive. I've seen many relationships unfold over the years, and it just looks like two people finding out that they are incompatible and not wording it very well or wanting to admit to it.
From here it can either turn abusive or simply lead to a break up. - And they broke up.
@@hildajensen6263this was my exact take on the situation. Not sure why it blew up like this.
How did he dictate? He just said what he was comfortable with.
Don’t all adults have these conversations when we want to move past the whole dating phase 🤷♂️ the way this jaded ex released these bit by bit is so disgusting… I can’t believe that Honda isn’t pointing out that this isn’t a whole conversation
Can relate
so glad you are covering this! as a prior victim of abuse, i actually didn't find the texts to be abusive. is what he saying controlling and misogynistic? most definitely. but i thought he was breaking up with her and stating the reasons why. but now i can see that he was using the break up as a threat to force compliance, and that he had probly been doing this for a long time.
i always appreciate your perspective and how much your advice helps me identify worrying behavior without being accusatory
While I do think he’s insecure overall, I think some of his texts could alternatively come off as simply blunt with no care for tact. Example: “I don’t need to explain it to you” could’ve been intended with the meaning of “you’re a grown adult and if you can’t see my point, it’s because you refuse to acknowledge my feelings have any foundation, and at that point it seems we’re better off going our separate ways” but that could be very generous. I’m just doubtful a woman who comes off as very independent and driven would ever simply exist as a dainty wallflower in any relationship.
This back and forth reportedly started at 3 months into the relationship. Given they lasted a year, that’s 9 months of being with a millionaire who appears to be sabotaging her career. These pro surfers can also make money with their social media but not if she can’t even post her surfer pics.I imagine that’s complicated by the fact that he is a rich and famous man and it’s reasonable to expect that being with him will boost her profile with advertisers enough to compensate for not being able to post in her literal office wear. The more you look at this story, the worse he appears.
I think if you want to call it insecurity that’s fine but to say he’s abusive is a stretch. Does any instance in which a man doesn’t agree with his s/o constitute as abusive? I thought communication was something feminists said men need to get better at?
If anything airing private messages years later when he’s moved on and happy is the abusive act here
@@jakestroll6518did she have no agency or free will for those 9 months?
Omg your wife truly is such a beautiful person. In love with you both 💖🥺
Never understood this, "MaH bOuNdArIeS" issue when it comes to somebody else's friends. Idk, it just seens like this should have been brought up early in the relationship, like maybe even on the first or second date.
"Do you have friends of the opposite sex?"
"Yes I do."
"Oh okay, I'm not very comfortable with that. I don't think that this relationship is going to work out in the long run. But thanks for coming out to meet me."
Heck same could be applied to the job issue.
"What do you do for work?"
"I'm a surf instructor. I really enjoy surfing!"
"Thats cool, I'm glad you found something you enjoy. I'm wondering do you wear a bikini when you go to the beach?
"Yeah, why"
"Ok, I'm actually looking for someone who only dresses modestly. It's just my personal reference."
Is that really so difficult? Why do people get into these relationships and then farther down the line expect their partners to drop their friendships, change how they dress and change jobs? Basically they want their partner to change into another person... It's totally unreasonable. Just find a person you get along with instead of trying to shoehorn people into your bOuNdAries.
It would be helpful if you gave awareness of non victim related examples when you are talking about a person's life. We don't know exactly the tone behind the texts,.but you are adding that in to the text. Then adding perpetrators examples in, it seems you are swaying toward that conclusion, without directly saying JH abused her.
I have a big problem with this video, we don't know the context. For example, I had a friend whos boyfriend cheated and she told him if he wants her to stay with him, he has to stop DMing other girls and you could argue she was the abusive one because they had a similar conversation. Keep in mind, she was done. He kept deleting his accounts, setting privacy settings and asking her "is this enough"? But she made the mistake of entertaining it. If we can't see the entire text string and only what she chooses to show, I have a problem with that.
She also released the screenshots right after his son was born . 😕
crazy how familiar this situation is to me. all the way down to the language used. not only in personal experience but also in like every single one of my friend’s lives. eerily similar.
Idk. I keep seeing people online that keep saying that certain behaviours aren't acceptable during a relationship and that is fine, but it is very subjective and it is not something you should be manipulating someone into doing. What I find weird is that you meet someone living their life as they see fit, but expect them to morph their past into something that it is not? Like is she supposed to just forget the relationships, friendships and career she built because he entered her life and now has "boundaries"? The very life that attracted him to her? It's very weird. It's not even the same person at that point.
He didn't make assumptions about her. He gave her a chance and then later realized she didn't want to give up her single girl behaviors for him. There is literally no manipulation on his part. Literally all self-respecting men have the same standards as him. It's not that subjective. Men are simple. They want a woman who respects them and brings them peace, which she could not bring. If she has friendships with women who have unfavorable habits that can negatively affect their relationship, if she needlessly dresses provocatively and posts sexy pictures, if she had a recent wild past, if she has multiple male friends who she has boundryless interactions with who would sleep with her whenever given the chance and she's not willing to change any of that while moving forward towards marriage, then to the streets she shall return. He shouldn't have messed with an obvious promiscuous type in the first place, but he thought he'd give her a chance. Now he knows better.
@@TheDemonCaine Just because your circle thinks like you do doesn't mean all men think like you. Nor does it mean that women, who you claim to love, are thinking about it in the way that you are. It seems to be all about what men want and women have no say in their own lives. The world will be a better place when men stop treating women like property or children that need correction.
To think you come onto a video like this to spew your unnuanced perspective means you just covered your ears and listened to nothing the video actually said.
@@TheDemonCaineyou can't speak for all men you can only speak for yourself.
@@vik_versus8003 Literally all men with self-respect think like that. They don't want a promiscuous woman. That's just stupid. Only insecure men go for unfavorable women like that. Women definitely have a say in their lives. That's why Jonah wasn't controlling her and she had a choice to stay or not. You wouldn't comprehend a relationship like that working out because you lack values and respect for your partners. Women who have undesirable behaviors do need correction otherwise they'll end up lonely because all they can get is a pushover who can't stand up for himself. The self-respecting men would never give women like that marriage. The video was full of complete nonsense that made no sense. There was no control, manipulation, or misogyny. Just another example of a promiscuous woman hating men having a standard because it makes these women realize they aren't wifey material.
@@noosy530 It's factual that all self-respecting men feel that way. Nobody worth a damn wants a promiscuous women unwilling to change her single girl behaviours. You'd never comprehend because you lack respect for your partner and his ability to have boundaries. You people don't even realize you want to be the controlling ones.
How anyone could look at Sarahs continuous posting rampage smearing Jonah and other exs sharing a variety of private text message conversations from various people and not see this is a crazy woman insanely jealous her ex moved on and is now on a smear campaign manic episode beats me.
I would be scared to do this if I was the Washington Post after the whole Amber Heard article, tbh. But that's just me...
How does one cancel someone who is already an ex? Did the narrator mean Sarah was trying to get Jonah cancelled by the public?
Genuine question - Dr. Honda said she’s being forced? But doesn’t she have a choice? Like couldn’t she have just said she’s not ok with his “boundaries” and left the relationship? I’m just trying to understand this better
I think it's about there being an unspoken ultimatum instead of a breakup. It's pretty unreasonable to ask someone to change who they are by so much as if her lifestyle is unhealthy or a personal insult to their relationship.