I kept saying that I wanted to see him more than once a week. He said he felt the same but then always made sure it was only once a week. I tried to check in with him several times and asked if we were on the same page. He would say yes and then go right back to doing only what he wanted. Eventually I broke up with him. It's not possible to have a relationship woth someone who won't actually communicate
I agree. I’m a guy, so I can assure you it isn’t a gender issue, however. It’s complicated too because I’m pretty traditional with initiating communication and setting up dates. So when I’m doing what is natural for me, it backfires. At least women have the crutch that the man should initiate.
@@Gbb93 Yeah, I can see how that would be difficult. I didn't want him to think I was pushing him too hard so I let him take the lead on planning things. He would but then he'd cancel last minute
I’m just so over it all. These are the only ppl that come into my life.. each time I think the newest one is “normal”,,, I let myself feel safe.. and it happens again. Usually after 5 weeks etc. the last one I literally said NOTHING and demanded NOTHING.. he even said “most girls would want to know where this is heading by now but you’ve not even brought it up”… he then had to take space away and I commend him for that but then BARELY contacted me in 3 months after he said “let’s just downshift to not having sex for maybe a month” and in the same breath “but wanna go to the beach tmrw?”… these ppl are toxic. They refuse to do any work.
You’ll meet them eventually…I also seem to attract a “type” but really realized this last time that I didn’t defend my boundaries and should have walked away or set boundaries more firmly. So it’s on me. Would it have changed anything? I’ll never know. I do know every relationship is a chance to learn and grow. Also remember, a person really starts to show their colors at month 3.
To be fair, usually it’s the women that sets the pace of the “relationship” I.e seeing each other then dating then dating exclusively then relationship. But yeah, I totally get you. My ex I’m pretty sure thought I was a fearful avoidant and thus was waiting on me to bring up a relationship. But I didn’t. I was expecting her to, as that always has seemed normal for me. It ultimately didn’t go anywhere and I’m glad it didn’t because I found out she’s a cheater, liar, and manipulator. So much so, I am starting to think she isn’t just avoidant but either is BPD or NPD.
My DA barely communicates! I have spent 26 years trying to make this work. Now that our kids are grown and leaving. We are looking into divorce. These all make sense to me. Thank you for sharing your knowledge! I remember when my mom passed away in 08 and my husband couldn't be there for me emotionally. He couldn't understand why it was so hard for me. I went through the darkest times in my life with him right beside me, but not there for me at all. It is absolutely heartbreaking!! But I understand why. But I don't understand why he won't do the work to better himself. He would rather divorce than to look wonk on himself, which is also heartbreaking.
Sorry to hear what you are going through, that's not easy. Would you want to save the relationship maybe though, there are ways to get though, it's sometimes just a case of knowing how, tiny tweaks, because the language is different than for another attachment styles. I understand that DA need to know things in practical examples, quantified and exact, because expressing needs vaguely, they feel lost.. they can't work on what they can't see to do, feels like being in the dark. Maybe just knowing what to do and how, would help?
Wow. I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s helped me with my own situation with my ex DA. I would wonder how it would be if we got married. I woke up one night crying about my dad who’d died a few years before and he was so confused about how I could feel emotion like that 😪 I thought maybe it would get better but…
@@kme9861 she shouldn't have to. In that case I wouldn't stay with someone not meeting my needs. Partners get resentful because they are with someone they want to change and adjust to their relationship style and preference and that's not really how it works. That's like a DA asking you to stop having emotional reactions to everything when that's just who you are. If people aren't willing to work with us then we need to reevaluate the relationship as a whole.
Wow!!! my mother died in November. My ex was supposed to come down to be with me. He went to the airport got the ticket and everything and didn’t come and made it an excuse of why he couldn’t be there. Man!!!!
As a computer should be able to handle a load and not crash, break, or give wrong answers, our relationships should be able to take stress and conflict and sail along fine. Secondly, from a human point of view, it seems the purpose of relationships, the good it does for us, is taking ourselves out of the self, so to speak, if only a little bit, and taking into account and consideration another human being, putting their well-being first. Considered like this, a relationship is the ultimate school of life.
@@melsfarmstand Love isn't about self-sacrifice, there's no doubt about that. But in a relationship or marriage, the well-being of _both_ partners needs to be considered _simultaneously._ As soon as it shifts to one side or the other---there is an asymmetry of giving and receiving---that's where the trouble lies. Perhaps my phrasing wasn't the best and complete.
All great advice. As a DA I am also quite alexithymic - I don't know what's bothering me unless I spend several days thinking about it. That's when I can start talking about it, putting words to things. That must be frustrating for people.
I know DA's differ from the time the need alone to think about things, but from your experience how long are you days that you need to be by yourself? My last DA ex bf didn't really tell me he needed more time or space, he said that he's just tired from work and can't give me 1 hour every end of the week. So for 3 months he was hot and cold, then out of the blue ghosted me for 3 weeks before out of the blue just texting me that he wants to break up, he said not to call him. I of course was confused and since we are a long distance couple, I texted back to him that I'm getting plane tickets, same day to visit him so we can talk and work things out. But all he said is that don't bother. So my thing is, was 1 hour every weekend too much or was it because I literally gave him time for 3 weeks to himself when he literally ghosted me, and just decided being single is better for him?
@@StuffSayoSays alone time could be just time to not have to deal with someone else being constantly emotional or intense, so in other words, sitting in the same room, but doing your own activities, and not needing the person to be listening to you for some hours maybe, that's how I understand, from seeing some videos. In your situation, I don't know what is going on with the person, but it doesn't sound like someone who is giving you what you need in a relationship, or perhaps they're afraid of losing the relationship because of the distance so they gave up first, before being rejected by you (the fear of it being in their mind) or something. Idk, I could be wrong but this is maybe more than just needing space , if he's already in another country, you know like he has a lot of space already. Maybe see more videos about avoidants, and get other people's opinions on what this could be.
@@StuffSayoSays If I'm upset by something in particular in the relationship, then it might be three days to a week. If I just need to decompress from larger than normal work stresses, one day by myself, one day low-key companionship like a walk together or a Sunday drive. not great for my wife, I know. Fortunately she's also a DA. Long distance relationships are difficult with highly secure partners. As a DA, I would have to say a long distance relationship with a DA probably won't work. Being nearby (in the same room) and quietly doing your own thing for a few hours is how DAs slowly warm up to you.
I start to understand this better as I personally have this side aswell, just as a Fa I prioritise feelings safe above my feelings hance I tent to want to resolve conflict before even knowing how I feel. Now I start to see that I actually need more time aswell like a Da to even disconnect from what the situation needs and instead focuss on how I am feeling. Anyways.. I tent to say no contact untill people are willing to resolve things. But I start to see now that it isn't because people don't want to resolve it is because they aren't ready yet and appearently so am I. What I need to hear tho and this is what Da's don't do but it would help tremendously is to say I would love to resolve our fight, I still care for you but I need some time to process and then we can come back to it. In the meantime I would need some time for myself so I'll probably be reading/ in my room/ going for a run idk but after that we can talk just not yet about our conflict. This would make it clear we don't have to silence ourselves completely, we don't feel like the Da just think we are the problem instead of the conflict and that the da is willing to think about it and resolve it and that in the meantime we can just be around eachother. Aa a Fa I tent to think i am being the biggrr person to step over my pain, anger or whatever by asking when someone would be ready to talk so we can resolve things but I tent to get dismissed and then I tent to deactivate even harder than a Da and this is where disconnection or even a break in trust appears. So understanding Da's need time but come back is already huge. Just the fact they say I don't want to think about it is what triggers the feeling that it won't get resolved hance making people anxious that it won't be resolved becoming more desperate for connection and then run away mad because of the rejection.
@@ashton1952 Thank you. Yeah it's hard to do those things as we were a long distance couple. He's from Colorado and I'm from Maryland. I visited him last year and spend 2 weeks with him and everything seemed normal. Then this year he visited me on Valentines week for the first time. I could already feel that there was some distance this time, for the time he spent with me on his visit he never once touched me in an intimate way, despite being valentines week. Before he went back to Colorado he said that I can move in with him this summer. Then the hot cold mood swings began, stonewalling, then ghosting, and lastly without even knowing what happened, I just got a breakup text. I've been learning about attachment style for 3 weeks now, hoping that in the future I know what to do if I get into another relationship with a DA and how to help them.
I wish I would have found out my ex was a DA 2 weeks ago. I was somehow doing most of these things with him, but one conflict caused him to shutdown, even though I tried to communicate with him, he ended up ghosting me. I feel I could have asked if he needed more time or space but he never communicated this, and I had to break it off and go no contact.
Same here, it’s sad and “unnecessary”! At least we are not alone. Difficult with thoughts of could have, should have and so on. Sending you much love ❤️.
My partner doesn't really have the skills or seemingly the desire to really work through issues. As the AP, I bring things up because they go unresolved.....for YEARS. 😢
Listening to this helps make me understand that I need to work on communication and setting boundaries. I tend to get very anxious and nervous with no contact or not seeing them once or twice a week. Always felt like everything that happened was my fault. Whether it was my own jealousy and fear of making things worse. Or standing up for myself when it came to who is to blame. Instead of “how can we fix it” it was always “How can I fix it and make it up to them” no matter what the issue was and just be “ok” with it. They were my first so I definitely went overboard with trying to do things.(going out to eat, buying plushies, clothes, makeup, etc. all with permission) But I always asked if I was doing too much and get nothing in response. When things started to get rocky after 3 months, I started to get scared because I really didn’t want to lose this person. They dumped me than 2 days later we got back together, but nothing changed. Than I dumped them but I really didn’t want too so again got back. The third and final time, I had threatened to leave if I couldn’t get a clear answer. I really didn’t want too, I just wanted clarity. either way it wasn’t right of me to do that. They reasonably got annoyed (it was becoming a pattern) and ended it. They said maybe we could be friends, but I told them I wasn’t sure because it would be awkward for me. They took that as I was basically saying no and that they only offered for my sake. After a few weeks from there we got in contact because I couldn’t help it…but we set a boundary and I guess we’re just acquaintances now Now we’re not talking anymore, they only reach out if it’s about the cat that is theirs but in my care. That’s our only boundary. But when setting it I didn’t like the “for now” they added at the end I know where I went wrong, I’ll be better next time.
As a moderate DA, I totally agree with the first 4. Before watching these videos, I would not even have thought these things needed to be said. This is just how one goes through life. #5 I might phrase differently, because the concept of "my partner emotionally relying on me" doesn't even compute to me. My partner can rely on me to be stable and keep calm and make our home an emotionally safe place. And if my partner is going through a rough patch - dead dog for example - I can help look after them the same way I might if they were sick. But you can't just dump emotions at us and think you are not giving us work. We'll do work for you if we care, but don't just take that for granted. If my partner routinely brings distressing emotions to me - no, that's not a relationship I want to be part of. That's not a safe and stable relationship for me.
It is not about taking it for granted like relying on you. It is about you both creating a relation which implies support (*emotional* more than other types of support). So, if they are struggling with life in a way, it's your moment to show and make them feel that you are there and will be there.
@@kme9861 Totally! I did and I am much happier with someone who is also a bit DA. I've commented this elsewhere, that DAs are not doing themselves any good by being with anxious people who end up stressing them out.
@@MilesIncognito I agree 100%. I only date secure or DA men for this reason. Yes being there for one another at times is reasonable, but I swear I don't how some people survive while single by the way they emotionally dump on their partner. It's wild. We have family and friends as well as self-soothing. We should never put all that stress on one person.
Can someone please explain To me how as a DA I’m supposed to be a Non-DA in my personal life and in in my life independent of my family of origin and still Interact with my extremely DA family of origin? I became a DA for a reason! They are extremely hurtful, cruel and dismissive towards me if I show up emotionally vulnerable (if I “show myself” they find it gross - seriously 😢). How am I supposed to live this double life of where I learn to open up on one hand but am able to effectively protect myself from my family of origin’s hurtful Dismissive avoidant ways? Please help if anyone has any experience. I can’t be the only DA going through this. ✨✨✨
@@waynepolo6193 people have actual personality disorders and apart from being sometimes unwilling to respect a boundary there is also an inability to perceive and subsequently respect boundaries. It’s an unfortunate situation and One that makes having a dismissive avoidant attachment style become a measure of protecting oneself from further hurt.
Please y’all do not mistake avoidant attachment for narcissistic personality disorder. They are difficult to tell apart especially further into the connection. Please go do research before getting deeper into any form of trauma bond!
This is so fascinating, my wife was the best source almost 4.0 Berkeley U student becomes LCSW/therapist all while with me, but she passed after 40yrs together now I’m out here dating and I’m out of sync with society 🤛🏿
It's fascinating but it's also still a theory in development, and attachment styles can change, depending on the person's life experiences and type of partners in relationships.
💔 I'm in a relationship with a DA that does not communicate at all her response is always Idk for everything and after hearing this I feel like we are never going to make this work 15 yrs and so much built together for nothing 😔
Im.sorry but these ppl are trash no other way to put it. Breadcrumb me for 5 weeks then wants to talk never shows up. Then tells me it's completely over she's moving on. Now she calls me to get a dog she gifted me bck I said ok.. and comes to pick the dog up with her new man 2 weeks after we broke up. People run!!!!! The hurt they cuz you will literally put u in therapy. They only care about themselves.
@@kme9861 Looks like it. She's been saying this to everyone venting about their DA ex. I mean of course it'll be a good experience with her, they can both ignore each other and just get back to the relationship when they both feel like it. At this point it's just a situationship or a roommates situation if anything. It's crazy when a DA can break a secure person into being more FA or AP, yet someone praises them being good partners. Their only good if they know that they are DA's and are actually putting in the work to be better. If they can't commit to getting better, they're better off being single.
@@StuffSayoSays I can answer for myself thank you. ❤ The reason I get on here defending DA's is because people talk about them as if they are sub-human and I have DA friends and past lovers to prove otherwise. My DA and I have been close friends for a couple of decades and yes and he's pretty much the only man that I've ever trusted aside from my dad. I have walked away because I had some nervous system shit to work out with myself in all aspects of life. I didn't know how to approach an issue in a healthy way and neither did he. So yes, we would take space to figure it out and then come back. We've never been mean or malicious and we're kind and respectful towards one another. We're just two people trying to figure it out and oddly enough it works...for us. We're both in our 40's, we both have careers and older kids and neither of us want marriage. We want our time spent together to bring us calm and peace, not pick nonsense fights and grow resentment. We don't date other people and our friends and family know we have been a thing for a few years now. He's my best friend and our situation is different and doesn't have to make sense to anyone but us. I have good DA friends who are kind and loyal as well. So I will come on here and say my peace when I see an entire attachment being pigeon-holed.
Id want a follow up to this but with FAs, even a year in I can barely ever get concise wording on what they need but I can usually read what they want 4/5 times and even giving an example that Im fine with both polarities on where were constantly engaging or just taking a break its still not really prompted a conversation even 2 months later and I just feel a bit lost in spite of knowing roughly what I have to do.
Interesting. As a Fa 1. I have actually difficulty asking people to make compromisses for their scedule. Maybe this is why I end up dating men that only want to see me once a month or when they have space in 3 weeks. I can't believe somehow that we are supposed to see eachother 4 or 5 days a week?!?! Even in a beginning relationship I tent to think once a week is enough?! But then again I've been with an AP for a little while and he smothered me with asking daily to see eachother and I felt like a bad guy for saying no all the time and then was relieved when we couldn't see eachother for a week. Now I understand better that I have a need for a slow build up.. Hance maybe I fall way more often for other Fa's or Da's.. But how are you supposed to know when you barely have any experience? Now I still don't know exactly where my need is but I also think that I now start feeling the need a bit more so I can communicate it when finding it out.. The alarming thing is that the internet continue sais that someone is not interested in you when they don't want to see you more than once a week.. So.. My need is connected to men that don't want to see me or invest in me? This stuff is harder than it seems.
I might be a little late but I agree. I had a very hard time in the beginning of the relationship trying to find out how much time we wanted to spend together. the assumption "if it's real love, you'd want to see each other every day and every second" is seriously going on my nerves. While that might be true for some couples, it should not be putting pressure on anyone to do the same and feel bad if they might have the need to see their partners less. I have a demanding job and other things that I like to prioritize and I don't want to apologize for it. After 1.5 years we landed on once a weeknight and spending sundays together and we are very happy with it! Please feel free to set your own terms, you will be happy with.
Ngl even listening about relationships makes me excessively angry and uncomfortable. I genuinely think I’d rather forget relationships even exist and remove it entirely from my life. Thanks but no thanks.
Is it possible that if someone did not really love you, I had a relationship with such a person for 1.5 years 39 years ago, now 39 years later and I am still sad about it
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I don't reset the microwave . Sometimes while wrestling the 90 lb bernedoodle from washing her paws to the house doesn't get filthy from Muddy Paws I forget to hang the shower head back up on the thing those are the two worst ones I can think of right now there's like two more not too many. I think those are the main two reasons we broke up and why the relationship couldn't be salvaged he has never called me a name he has never put me down literally all he could come up with for those two things and maybe one or two other small ones. And honestly it's hard to find not find it cute to me I think it's adorable I don't want to be broke up I want to be together I want him to know that I understand a lot more than what he thinks I do about what he goes through and I'm just stuck not knowing how to convince him but we do stand a chance that I can tolerate him but he does deserve this that are conflicts don't have to be huge but with being an avoidance he's also a man and sometimes it's like talking to a wall
Can't the whole de thing be summed up with the phrase He's Just Not That Into you? I mean if somebody is into you they're going to want to see you. If they're not they won't. It's pretty simple.
Yeah, I remember in college I was pretty presumptuous about these things with the women I dated. As time went on, I would let them know what my boundaries were. One woman I dated used to call me incessantly while I was in class and got angry when I wouldn't pick up. She even called me five times in a row one time when I was finishing up my martial art class. The last straw was when she called me nine times within 30 minutes AFTER I told her I was going for a run and would call her back. Another ex I had would CONSTANTLY want me to be texting her throughout the day. Even though I was working up to 15 hours a day, she would want to have full conversations all day long. This despite the fact that we didn't every weekend together. She even got upset one night when I was upset about something and told her I needed some space to cool off. What I realized after things ended was that she wanted me to adopt HER relationship standards instead of enforcing my own and perhaps compromising in a few things. Once you set the boundaries with your partner, it'll completely absolve you of any responsibility for enforcing them.
@@LeeChrissy exactly. It wasn't even general stuff she wanted to talk about either. It was a bunch of abstract political and Feminist ideologies we disagreed with each other about. Imagine trying to have THAT kind of conversation while you're training a client or teaching a class. 🙄
I kept saying that I wanted to see him more than once a week. He said he felt the same but then always made sure it was only once a week. I tried to check in with him several times and asked if we were on the same page. He would say yes and then go right back to doing only what he wanted. Eventually I broke up with him. It's not possible to have a relationship woth someone who won't actually communicate
Good move.
I agree. I’m a guy, so I can assure you it isn’t a gender issue, however. It’s complicated too because I’m pretty traditional with initiating communication and setting up dates. So when I’m doing what is natural for me, it backfires. At least women have the crutch that the man should initiate.
@@Gbb93 Yeah, I can see how that would be difficult. I didn't want him to think I was pushing him too hard so I let him take the lead on planning things. He would but then he'd cancel last minute
another example of they can do it, but they walk away if you do it...
I'm getting that sense too. Also from personal experience.
Yes this kind is the biggest hypocrite you will ever meet
This video makes me so sad im so understanding i dont demand time I just want communication around it and like to know that I matter
Spot on, thank you 🙏 ❤!
I’m just so over it all. These are the only ppl that come into my life.. each time I think the newest one is “normal”,,, I let myself feel safe.. and it happens again. Usually after 5 weeks etc. the last one I literally said NOTHING and demanded NOTHING.. he even said “most girls would want to know where this is heading by now but you’ve not even brought it up”… he then had to take space away and I commend him for that but then BARELY contacted me in 3 months after he said “let’s just downshift to not having sex for maybe a month” and in the same breath “but wanna go to the beach tmrw?”… these ppl are toxic. They refuse to do any work.
You’ll meet them eventually…I also seem to attract a “type” but really realized this last time that I didn’t defend my boundaries and should have walked away or set boundaries more firmly. So it’s on me. Would it have changed anything? I’ll never know. I do know every relationship is a chance to learn and grow. Also remember, a person really starts to show their colors at month 3.
I agree, it feels like playing games non stop with our minds how much crap and inconsistency we can tolerate
To be fair, usually it’s the women that sets the pace of the “relationship” I.e seeing each other then dating then dating exclusively then relationship. But yeah, I totally get you. My ex I’m pretty sure thought I was a fearful avoidant and thus was waiting on me to bring up a relationship. But I didn’t. I was expecting her to, as that always has seemed normal for me. It ultimately didn’t go anywhere and I’m glad it didn’t because I found out she’s a cheater, liar, and manipulator. So much so, I am starting to think she isn’t just avoidant but either is BPD or NPD.
My DA barely communicates! I have spent 26 years trying to make this work. Now that our kids are grown and leaving. We are looking into divorce.
These all make sense to me. Thank you for sharing your knowledge!
I remember when my mom passed away in 08 and my husband couldn't be there for me emotionally. He couldn't understand why it was so hard for me.
I went through the darkest times in my life with him right beside me, but not there for me at all. It is absolutely heartbreaking!! But I understand why. But I don't understand why he won't do the work to better himself.
He would rather divorce than to look wonk on himself, which is also heartbreaking.
Sorry to hear what you are going through, that's not easy. Would you want to save the relationship maybe though, there are ways to get though, it's sometimes just a case of knowing how, tiny tweaks, because the language is different than for another attachment styles. I understand that DA need to know things in practical examples, quantified and exact, because expressing needs vaguely, they feel lost.. they can't work on what they can't see to do, feels like being in the dark. Maybe just knowing what to do and how, would help?
@@ashton1952 why should she have to keep doing the work when the other isn’t willing? 26 years is a long time
Wow. I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s helped me with my own situation with my ex DA. I would wonder how it would be if we got married. I woke up one night crying about my dad who’d died a few years before and he was so confused about how I could feel emotion like that 😪 I thought maybe it would get better but…
@@kme9861 she shouldn't have to. In that case I wouldn't stay with someone not meeting my needs. Partners get resentful because they are with someone they want to change and adjust to their relationship style and preference and that's not really how it works. That's like a DA asking you to stop having emotional reactions to everything when that's just who you are. If people aren't willing to work with us then we need to reevaluate the relationship as a whole.
Wow!!! my mother died in November. My ex was supposed to come down to be with me. He went to the airport got the ticket and everything and didn’t come and made it an excuse of why he couldn’t be there. Man!!!!
‘Things should just be’ words from a former FA leaning DA ex of mine. ‘Things shouldn’t be this hard’ 🙄
They really all act exactly the same.
No such thing as "The Perfect Partner".
As a computer should be able to handle a load and not crash, break, or give wrong answers, our relationships should be able to take stress and conflict and sail along fine. Secondly, from a human point of view, it seems the purpose of relationships, the good it does for us, is taking ourselves out of the self, so to speak, if only a little bit, and taking into account and consideration another human being, putting their well-being first. Considered like this, a relationship is the ultimate school of life.
Their well-being does not have to be put first to be genuinely considered. Love is not about self sacrifice.
@@melsfarmstand Love isn't about self-sacrifice, there's no doubt about that. But in a relationship or marriage, the well-being of _both_ partners needs to be considered _simultaneously._ As soon as it shifts to one side or the other---there is an asymmetry of giving and receiving---that's where the trouble lies. Perhaps my phrasing wasn't the best and complete.
All great advice. As a DA I am also quite alexithymic - I don't know what's bothering me unless I spend several days thinking about it. That's when I can start talking about it, putting words to things. That must be frustrating for people.
I know DA's differ from the time the need alone to think about things, but from your experience how long are you days that you need to be by yourself? My last DA ex bf didn't really tell me he needed more time or space, he said that he's just tired from work and can't give me 1 hour every end of the week. So for 3 months he was hot and cold, then out of the blue ghosted me for 3 weeks before out of the blue just texting me that he wants to break up, he said not to call him.
I of course was confused and since we are a long distance couple, I texted back to him that I'm getting plane tickets, same day to visit him so we can talk and work things out. But all he said is that don't bother.
So my thing is, was 1 hour every weekend too much or was it because I literally gave him time for 3 weeks to himself when he literally ghosted me, and just decided being single is better for him?
@@StuffSayoSays alone time could be just time to not have to deal with someone else being constantly emotional or intense, so in other words, sitting in the same room, but doing your own activities, and not needing the person to be listening to you for some hours maybe, that's how I understand, from seeing some videos. In your situation, I don't know what is going on with the person, but it doesn't sound like someone who is giving you what you need in a relationship, or perhaps they're afraid of losing the relationship because of the distance so they gave up first, before being rejected by you (the fear of it being in their mind) or something. Idk, I could be wrong but this is maybe more than just needing space , if he's already in another country, you know like he has a lot of space already. Maybe see more videos about avoidants, and get other people's opinions on what this could be.
@@StuffSayoSays If I'm upset by something in particular in the relationship, then it might be three days to a week. If I just need to decompress from larger than normal work stresses, one day by myself, one day low-key companionship like a walk together or a Sunday drive. not great for my wife, I know. Fortunately she's also a DA.
Long distance relationships are difficult with highly secure partners. As a DA, I would have to say a long distance relationship with a DA probably won't work. Being nearby (in the same room) and quietly doing your own thing for a few hours is how DAs slowly warm up to you.
I start to understand this better as I personally have this side aswell, just as a Fa I prioritise feelings safe above my feelings hance I tent to want to resolve conflict before even knowing how I feel. Now I start to see that I actually need more time aswell like a Da to even disconnect from what the situation needs and instead focuss on how I am feeling. Anyways.. I tent to say no contact untill people are willing to resolve things. But I start to see now that it isn't because people don't want to resolve it is because they aren't ready yet and appearently so am I. What I need to hear tho and this is what Da's don't do but it would help tremendously is to say I would love to resolve our fight, I still care for you but I need some time to process and then we can come back to it. In the meantime I would need some time for myself so I'll probably be reading/ in my room/ going for a run idk but after that we can talk just not yet about our conflict. This would make it clear we don't have to silence ourselves completely, we don't feel like the Da just think we are the problem instead of the conflict and that the da is willing to think about it and resolve it and that in the meantime we can just be around eachother. Aa a Fa I tent to think i am being the biggrr person to step over my pain, anger or whatever by asking when someone would be ready to talk so we can resolve things but I tent to get dismissed and then I tent to deactivate even harder than a Da and this is where disconnection or even a break in trust appears. So understanding Da's need time but come back is already huge. Just the fact they say I don't want to think about it is what triggers the feeling that it won't get resolved hance making people anxious that it won't be resolved becoming more desperate for connection and then run away mad because of the rejection.
@@ashton1952 Thank you. Yeah it's hard to do those things as we were a long distance couple. He's from Colorado and I'm from Maryland. I visited him last year and spend 2 weeks with him and everything seemed normal. Then this year he visited me on Valentines week for the first time. I could already feel that there was some distance this time, for the time he spent with me on his visit he never once touched me in an intimate way, despite being valentines week. Before he went back to Colorado he said that I can move in with him this summer. Then the hot cold mood swings began, stonewalling, then ghosting, and lastly without even knowing what happened, I just got a breakup text.
I've been learning about attachment style for 3 weeks now, hoping that in the future I know what to do if I get into another relationship with a DA and how to help them.
Looove the opening! Great Video and Points, Thais!
And I'm missing the bullet point presentation for the different points you're making!
This explains A LOT ! ! ! 😮 Now I understand what happened with my Dismissive Avoidant ex-girlfriend.
I wish I would have found out my ex was a DA 2 weeks ago. I was somehow doing most of these things with him, but one conflict caused him to shutdown, even though I tried to communicate with him, he ended up ghosting me. I feel I could have asked if he needed more time or space but he never communicated this, and I had to break it off and go no contact.
@@bigbadlara5304 I'm really sorry to hear all this, at least we know now this other side to them we didn't realize was there.
Same here, it’s sad and “unnecessary”! At least we are not alone. Difficult with thoughts of could have, should have and so on. Sending you much love ❤️.
@@viktoria68 Thank you!!! Sending you love as well! ❤
My partner doesn't really have the skills or seemingly the desire to really work through issues. As the AP, I bring things up because they go unresolved.....for YEARS. 😢
Listening to this helps make me understand that I need to work on communication and setting boundaries. I tend to get very anxious and nervous with no contact or not seeing them once or twice a week.
Always felt like everything that happened was my fault. Whether it was my own jealousy and fear of making things worse.
Or standing up for myself when it came to who is to blame. Instead of “how can we fix it” it was always “How can I fix it and make it up to them” no matter what the issue was and just be “ok” with it.
They were my first so I definitely went overboard with trying to do things.(going out to eat, buying plushies, clothes, makeup, etc. all with permission) But I always asked if I was doing too much and get nothing in response.
When things started to get rocky after 3 months, I started to get scared because I really didn’t want to lose this person. They dumped me than 2 days later we got back together, but nothing changed. Than I dumped them but I really didn’t want too so again got back. The third and final time, I had threatened to leave if I couldn’t get a clear answer.
I really didn’t want too, I just wanted clarity. either way it wasn’t right of me to do that. They reasonably got annoyed (it was becoming a pattern) and ended it. They said maybe we could be friends, but I told them I wasn’t sure because it would be awkward for me. They took that as I was basically saying no and that they only offered for my sake. After a few weeks from there we got in contact because I couldn’t help it…but we set a boundary and I guess we’re just acquaintances now
Now we’re not talking anymore, they only reach out if it’s about the cat that is theirs but in my care. That’s our only boundary. But when setting it I didn’t like the “for now” they added at the end
I know where I went wrong, I’ll be better next time.
As a moderate DA, I totally agree with the first 4. Before watching these videos, I would not even have thought these things needed to be said. This is just how one goes through life.
#5 I might phrase differently, because the concept of "my partner emotionally relying on me" doesn't even compute to me. My partner can rely on me to be stable and keep calm and make our home an emotionally safe place. And if my partner is going through a rough patch - dead dog for example - I can help look after them the same way I might if they were sick. But you can't just dump emotions at us and think you are not giving us work. We'll do work for you if we care, but don't just take that for granted.
If my partner routinely brings distressing emotions to me - no, that's not a relationship I want to be part of. That's not a safe and stable relationship for me.
It is not about taking it for granted like relying on you. It is about you both creating a relation which implies support (*emotional* more than other types of support). So, if they are struggling with life in a way, it's your moment to show and make them feel that you are there and will be there.
You should just find someone like you and see how it feels.
@@kme9861 Totally! I did and I am much happier with someone who is also a bit DA. I've commented this elsewhere, that DAs are not doing themselves any good by being with anxious people who end up stressing them out.
@@MilesIncognito I agree 100%. I only date secure or DA men for this reason. Yes being there for one another at times is reasonable, but I swear I don't how some people survive while single by the way they emotionally dump on their partner. It's wild. We have family and friends as well as self-soothing. We should never put all that stress on one person.
Everything in moderation
Can someone please explain
To me how as a DA I’m supposed to be a Non-DA in my personal life and in in my life independent of my family of origin and still
Interact with my extremely DA family of origin? I became a DA for a reason! They are extremely hurtful, cruel and dismissive towards me if I show up emotionally vulnerable (if I “show myself” they find it gross - seriously 😢).
How am I supposed to live this double life of where I learn to open up on one hand but am able to effectively protect myself from my family of origin’s hurtful Dismissive avoidant ways? Please help if anyone has any experience. I can’t be the only DA going through this. ✨✨✨
Have you looked much into healthy boundary setting?
@@waynepolo6193 people have actual personality disorders and apart from being sometimes unwilling to respect a boundary there is also an inability to perceive and subsequently respect boundaries. It’s an unfortunate situation and One that makes having a dismissive avoidant attachment style become a measure of protecting oneself from further hurt.
You’re amazing and committed!
Thank you for your kind comment Rebecca :)
Please y’all do not mistake avoidant attachment for narcissistic personality disorder. They are difficult to tell apart especially further into the connection. Please go do research before getting deeper into any form of trauma bond!
I almost thought this was satire when I kept hearing they would negotiate 😆
This is so fascinating, my wife was the best source almost 4.0 Berkeley U student becomes LCSW/therapist all while with me, but she passed after 40yrs together now I’m out here dating and I’m out of sync with society 🤛🏿
It's fascinating but it's also still a theory in development, and attachment styles can change, depending on the person's life experiences and type of partners in relationships.
💔 I'm in a relationship with a DA that does not communicate at all her response is always Idk for everything and after hearing this I feel like we are never going to make this work 15 yrs and so much built together for nothing 😔
And, 'whatever you want' as an answer to asking them "what do you want to do(?)
Knees. Thanks
Underrated video
Are there ever videos that go over the secure attachment style?
Im.sorry but these ppl are trash no other way to put it. Breadcrumb me for 5 weeks then wants to talk never shows up. Then tells me it's completely over she's moving on. Now she calls me to get a dog she gifted me bck I said ok.. and comes to pick the dog up with her new man 2 weeks after we broke up. People run!!!!! The hurt they cuz you will literally put u in therapy. They only care about themselves.
Not all of us have those kind of experiences with DA's. Mine have been good.
I am sorry to hear that. She sounds more narcissistic to me.
@@LeeChrissy are you avoidant as well?
@@kme9861 Looks like it. She's been saying this to everyone venting about their DA ex. I mean of course it'll be a good experience with her, they can both ignore each other and just get back to the relationship when they both feel like it. At this point it's just a situationship or a roommates situation if anything.
It's crazy when a DA can break a secure person into being more FA or AP, yet someone praises them being good partners. Their only good if they know that they are DA's and are actually putting in the work to be better. If they can't commit to getting better, they're better off being single.
@@StuffSayoSays I can answer for myself thank you. ❤ The reason I get on here defending DA's is because people talk about them as if they are sub-human and I have DA friends and past lovers to prove otherwise. My DA and I have been close friends for a couple of decades and yes and he's pretty much the only man that I've ever trusted aside from my dad. I have walked away because I had some nervous system shit to work out with myself in all aspects of life. I didn't know how to approach an issue in a healthy way and neither did he. So yes, we would take space to figure it out and then come back. We've never been mean or malicious and we're kind and respectful towards one another. We're just two people trying to figure it out and oddly enough it works...for us. We're both in our 40's, we both have careers and older kids and neither of us want marriage. We want our time spent together to bring us calm and peace, not pick nonsense fights and grow resentment. We don't date other people and our friends and family know we have been a thing for a few years now. He's my best friend and our situation is different and doesn't have to make sense to anyone but us.
I have good DA friends who are kind and loyal as well. So I will come on here and say my peace when I see an entire attachment being pigeon-holed.
He has an intense schedule and I don't mind accommodating him but like that's not even good enough
Id want a follow up to this but with FAs, even a year in I can barely ever get concise wording on what they need but I can usually read what they want 4/5 times and even giving an example that Im fine with both polarities on where were constantly engaging or just taking a break its still not really prompted a conversation even 2 months later and I just feel a bit lost in spite of knowing roughly what I have to do.
Interesting. As a Fa
1. I have actually difficulty asking people to make compromisses for their scedule. Maybe this is why I end up dating men that only want to see me once a month or when they have space in 3 weeks. I can't believe somehow that we are supposed to see eachother 4 or 5 days a week?!?! Even in a beginning relationship I tent to think once a week is enough?! But then again I've been with an AP for a little while and he smothered me with asking daily to see eachother and I felt like a bad guy for saying no all the time and then was relieved when we couldn't see eachother for a week. Now I understand better that I have a need for a slow build up.. Hance maybe I fall way more often for other Fa's or Da's.. But how are you supposed to know when you barely have any experience? Now I still don't know exactly where my need is but I also think that I now start feeling the need a bit more so I can communicate it when finding it out.. The alarming thing is that the internet continue sais that someone is not interested in you when they don't want to see you more than once a week.. So.. My need is connected to men that don't want to see me or invest in me?
This stuff is harder than it seems.
Thanks for sharing ! you get to uniquely define what you need in relationships ❤
I might be a little late but I agree. I had a very hard time in the beginning of the relationship trying to find out how much time we wanted to spend together. the assumption "if it's real love, you'd want to see each other every day and every second" is seriously going on my nerves. While that might be true for some couples, it should not be putting pressure on anyone to do the same and feel bad if they might have the need to see their partners less. I have a demanding job and other things that I like to prioritize and I don't want to apologize for it. After 1.5 years we landed on once a weeknight and spending sundays together and we are very happy with it!
Please feel free to set your own terms, you will be happy with.
Great video Thais!!!!
Thank you for your kind comment :)
I don't get why we all try to cater DAs who tries to understand AAs and secure or FAs lol
Listening to video makes my brain hurt. It’s crazy.
Ngl even listening about relationships makes me excessively angry and uncomfortable. I genuinely think I’d rather forget relationships even exist and remove it entirely from my life. Thanks but no thanks.
Solid informercial.
❤❤ spot on in every aspect!!
Is it possible that if someone did not really love you, I had a relationship with such a person for 1.5 years 39 years ago, now 39 years later and I am still sad about it
Hey! Im really struggling, how can i get a 1 on 1
Hello, We can help you explore some options within our community. Kindly reach out to us at: info@personaldevelopmentschool.com and we'd be happy to assist you further.
I don't reset the microwave . Sometimes while wrestling the 90 lb bernedoodle from washing her paws to the house doesn't get filthy from Muddy Paws I forget to hang the shower head back up on the thing those are the two worst ones I can think of right now there's like two more not too many. I think those are the main two reasons we broke up and why the relationship couldn't be salvaged he has never called me a name he has never put me down literally all he could come up with for those two things and maybe one or two other small ones. And honestly it's hard to find not find it cute to me I think it's adorable I don't want to be broke up I want to be together I want him to know that I understand a lot more than what he thinks I do about what he goes through and I'm just stuck not knowing how to convince him but we do stand a chance that I can tolerate him but he does deserve this that are conflicts don't have to be huge but with being an avoidance he's also a man and sometimes it's like talking to a wall
❤
Lol lucky you if it's once a month or even like once every several months as time went on lolllllll
Dear men.... never ever take any advise from a woman if you like your life.
Can't the whole de thing be summed up with the phrase He's Just Not That Into you? I mean if somebody is into you they're going to want to see you. If they're not they won't. It's pretty simple.
Yeah, I remember in college I was pretty presumptuous about these things with the women I dated. As time went on, I would let them know what my boundaries were. One woman I dated used to call me incessantly while I was in class and got angry when I wouldn't pick up. She even called me five times in a row one time when I was finishing up my martial art class. The last straw was when she called me nine times within 30 minutes AFTER I told her I was going for a run and would call her back.
Another ex I had would CONSTANTLY want me to be texting her throughout the day. Even though I was working up to 15 hours a day, she would want to have full conversations all day long. This despite the fact that we didn't every weekend together. She even got upset one night when I was upset about something and told her I needed some space to cool off. What I realized after things ended was that she wanted me to adopt HER relationship standards instead of enforcing my own and perhaps compromising in a few things. Once you set the boundaries with your partner, it'll completely absolve you of any responsibility for enforcing them.
I can't stand people who need constant communication like that. It's intrusive, immature and unnecessary. No need to repeatedly call or text.
@@LeeChrissy exactly. It wasn't even general stuff she wanted to talk about either. It was a bunch of abstract political and Feminist ideologies we disagreed with each other about. Imagine trying to have THAT kind of conversation while you're training a client or teaching a class. 🙄
@@LeeChrissy true, it kills any attraction. People can work on enhancing emotional attraction, and this is definitely one of the things involved.