i’m so glad you’ve uploaded videos on this. I’m married almost 20yrs and I love my husband so so much, but I can’t imagine living the rest of my life/marriage without ever having been told I’m beautiful, sexy, etc. I’ve begged for a love letter for over 10yrs as a negotiation to his “inability” to vocalize the things he says he has a hard time saying. I know he loves me, and he says that all the time, but we have turned into roommates who have sex occasionally. We’ve never been on a date that I didn’t plan or set up, i’ve never been surprised with a romantic outing. What I wouldn’t give to have him just randomly wrap his arms around me and touch me and tell me i’m beautiful. I don’t want to die never having been told by my husband that I’m beautiful.
I'm glad that you've enjoyed these videos and I'm sorry that you are experiencing such pain. If you haven't already, we have a Married & Alone phone group and Facebook group you could join for support. www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/ www.drdougweiss.com/facebook-groups/
But if they don’t want to change, years of begging and nothing shifting…. Speaks louder than words. The hardest part is figuring out how to move on, INSIDE the relationship. He gets his value from his job. 21 years. Four girls. I’ve stayed home and homeschooled. Everyone loves him… he’s a good man. What’s a girl to do? Just keep praying.
Same problem with me as well my husband is not ready to changehe thinks he is not the one who needs to be changed he thinks I’m abnormal craving for his attention
A girl would start investing in herself and putting all that beautiful energy into making herself feel good. Small things can make a huge difference. A new outfit, a new hairstyle or colour, some new interests. Being a home maker and full time Mom can be isolating. A girl would think hard about new skills she might like to learn. It's a nice place to make new girlfriends too. Introducing some new and interesting energy into your life will have you shining with a self confidence and fresh beauty within six months. You aren't trying to change who you are, you're enhancing what's already there. You can still be Wife and Mother but it's time to invest in you because you deserve it, because you are beautiful, because you deserve to have your husband shower you with validation and tender words; and it will come when you start shinning with a fresh, new and exciting energy. Good luck, enjoy the process and the hours spent on yourself. 😊💕
So true… we are approaching our 21st anniversary as well. While I am an RN I also have been homeschooling for the last 15 years as well. Though I did work outside the home for the first 15 years of marriage I made the decision to stay home about 6 years ago to care for my dying father and enjoy our youngest’s elementary year’s. Anyway your comment about moving on within the marriage rings so very true to me. It has been precisely what I have tried to do, unsuccessfully.
Thank you Dr. Weiss! Healing is a beautiful feeling, and I'm thankful for the resources and information you provide. Diving into God's Word and focusing on how much He loves us, has been a huge step in my healing. Doesn't remove the longing for love/oneness/closeness, but it helps knowing God has big things in store for all of those that love Him. Thanks again
They don’t love you !!! It’s difficult to accept but you have to accept that fact. If you don’t or can’t leave, find your happiness in others and other things. Don’t give the intimacy anorexic the responsibility of making you happy, they are not capable. They may improve for a while but go back to being the way they are. I have stopped asking for him to love me where I feel emotionally safe because it does no good, so I have accepted it as it is . He finds validation and pleasure in anything other than me. I stay close to Jesus and he gives me strength and my joy is in him. I have mourned what I never had and now I’m okay.
Listening to this video and knowing what’s going on in my own relationship I am so confused not understanding how we can be playful. Spend time together enjoy each other’s company, but no intimacy in the bedroom for months, anxiety. And also a discovery of porn usage, and just not knowing which way to turn, trying to be supportive trying to talk about it getting counseling for myself.
Thank you ! Dr. Weiss, for this video . I have no idea how to suggest to my husband about getting help in Intimacy anorexia. He is a tough one to get on board with almost anything that would help our marriage Been married five years and it’s been a hard five years. I love my husband. Imagining a life time of neglect, being shamed, name calling, devalued and dehumanized is hard to fathom. We need your help . It use to be with holding attention and not giving me time with him. I’ve always been last on his list. It’s gotten worst the last couple of years after his mother died he has been so much worst. Now he with holds and neglects me for days and weeks at a time. When he gets back to being a little normal I still get crumbs. I’ve struggled with sadness, depression and wondering why is a middle aged, attractive, educated woman begging her husband for attention .
You are experiencing Partner Betrayal Trauma. Neglect is traumatic, your symptoms are normal. You could have him watch the RUclips video on "My Spouse thinks I'm Intimacy Anorexic" or watch the Intimacy Anorexia DVD. If he doesn't want to get help for Intimacy Anorexia, he won't change: ruclips.net/video/6IctfKKnhMQ/видео.html www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-dvd/ You would do well to be in a phone support group and counseling to start your healing. www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/ facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/ The DVDs "Unstuck" and "Why Do I Stay" could be helpful for you too. www.drdougweiss.com/product/unstuck-dvd/ www.drdougweiss.com/product/why-do-i-stay-dvd/
Did you manage to bring this subject up and heal? I’ve only just found information about this, I would like some advice on how to approach the subject with my fiancée if you have any please. Kind regards.
I really don’t want my marriage to end up in divorce how can I help him even when he doesn’t want to be helped and has close his heart to everything to me
Dr weiss... My husband watched the pain for love video. He said he agrees that he does almost all of them... But He says He doesn't do it intentionally.. He says he does it because we get into arguments ..He is always very good at putting things back on me all the time.. Now he's doing it with this video. If he doesn't take responsibility , nothing will change for our marriage , right?
Thank you for the information. It is geared toward couples that want to fix their marriage. I'll bet these a group of womwn who shutter at the thought of their spouse ever touching them again. I am in that camp. After years of emotional, verbal and financial abuse and being called delusional everytime I open my mouth, I would have a hard time believing that any help he'd get, would be just another act. At least I know there's a reason he's toxic.
Dr. Weiss, I am that husband that has intimacy anorexia. I have put my wife through this torture for 34 years. I knew I had a problem and I am about to lose my Loving Wife over my behavior. I have received info today on the 5 day intensives. It’s not cheap, but sounds worth every penny to have any chance of saving our marriage. I have also watched step one & two of your videos on RUclips. Are we better to watch the videos and get the workbooks, or come to Colorado? Finally, can you explain the Brain Optimization? Would that be better for me, my wife, or both? Thank you Sir.
Yes, you can start with the workbooks/DVD. Although, coming to an intensive will help accelerate her healing and your recovery. As for the brain optimization, you can call the main office at 719-278-3708 to have them explain it to you. www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-steps-guide/ www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-workbook/ www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-dvd/
I believe my wife has had this problem for years and because of all the hurt I myself had started to become one or I have become one. How would I introduce this training to her without her becoming upset?
You can't control how she would respond. You could start your journey first with the Intimacy Anorexia DVD and exercises. You can join one of our phone groups by calling us at 719-278-3708. As for having a video to introduce this to her, she can watch the RUclips video "My Spouse Thinks I'm Intimacy Anorexic" or she can watch the IA DVD with you. www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-dvd/ www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-steps-guide/ ruclips.net/video/6IctfKKnhMQ/видео.html
I know that I have Intimacy Anorexia. It is what I was raised in. I have tried to overcome this on my own, as I am not really a group type of person, but do see that I need help. I see the hurt that I am causing my husband. I just ordered the workbook and steps books. I would also like to try a group for accountability. Where or how do I find these groups? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
I'm glad that you are looking for having accountability and support for this. We have phone groups and also a Facebook group that you can join. www.drdougweiss.com/intimacy-anorexia-group/ facebook.com/groups/femaleIA You can also call us at 719-278-3708 for more information.
It’s extremely hard for me to give my husband affection .. he abuse me physically , mentally emotionally for years he with hold the finances from me . I couldn’t leave him bc I was illegal and he threaten to take the 2 daughters I had with him, I had 2 of a previous marriage.. When the abuse diminished towards me he abuse them sexually. I’m a Christian and I tried to forgive him but the pain i feel when I see him or remember all his done or when I have to be intimate with him how do I do this ????. My daughters forgave him, and now I the emotionally wrecked , please some guidance 🙏🙏🙏
How does one heal from repeated infidelity, I became intimacy anorexic over 20 year due to the trauma this caused, not desiring sex made him angry and his anger makes me push away due to childhood trauma. I feel stuck, you are right, he gets angry and I distance myself, he gets depressed I play nice for a few days till the anger surfaces and I’m back to living with armor. Is there help for this situation? I feel like I have PTSD from the pain he caused me and I know deep down I make him suffer for it.
Should the steps be completed with the workbook at the same time? My husband is doing the program and helping her heal, but struggles with lying and/or in denial and says he doesn’t know why he doesn’t stop. So I’m traumatized most days of the week.
Yes, the steps and workbook should be completed at the same time. Regarding the lying issue, both of you should watch the DVD "Why Men Lie" see if you can discover the root and a plan going forward with consequences for lying. www.drdougweiss.com/product/why-men-lie-dvd/
I have some questions ❓ How or what classifies IA as an addiction? Isn't an addiction something that you just can't live without, You have to have it no matter what? Statement: I was raised in a home where there was alcohol and drugs and many of my father's other addictions. There was never any love shown in the home. My role in the family was when I was the lost child. I stayed in my room most of the time to hide. Out of sight out of mind. Does this make me an IA? So is IA a learned behavior? Can it be unlearned?
An addiction is pretty much an inclination, tendency, or urge to do something to the point that you lack control over it, have an overwhelming desire for, or it's automatic. It can cause harm to yourself or others around you (whether physically, mentally, emotionally, relationally, with maturity, etc.). In the case of intimacy anorexia, you are actively withholding intimacy from the spouse with your actions to the point that they feel alone, unloved, neglected, and criticized. Addictions, however, are behavioral choices, and they can healed. An addiction can be unlearned. Causes of intimacy anorexia can stem from sex abuse/trauma, sex addiction, parental role model neglect, or cross gender parental neglect. You can check out our website intimacyanorexia.com to learn more and to see if this applies and if you are an intimacy anorexic. If you are married, ask your spouse what they think or talk to a counselor/coach by calling us at 719-278-3708.
I would get in a Married & Alone phone group as well as our Facebook group that can give you support in this. www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/ facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/ Also if you haven't already, you can view our Married & Alone 12 Step Series (Only the 1st step is up right now but more will be added later): ruclips.net/video/utkv_thO4o0/видео.html
Yes, we have a phone support group for men who have intimacy anorexia. You can check out the information here or contact my office at 719-278-3708 to get started.
@@bigmanphil85 You can email us at heart2heart@xc.org and my staff can provide a list of phone and virtual groups that can be accessed internationally, even from where you are in the UK.
How do I even approach my fiancé about this? His always to busy or to worn out, he doesn’t take criticism (which is hard I know) but I would like to talk to him about this before we start our married life, so any advice on how I even start this conversation? Kind regards
We do have a RUclips video that he can watch called "My Spouse thinks I'm Intimacy Anorexic" which introduces the topic: ruclips.net/video/6IctfKKnhMQ/видео.html You both can also watch the Intimacy Anorexia DVD together to see if he wants to change (his response will tell you if he is willing). If he doesn't want to address it or get help, nothing will change and it will continue. www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-dvd/ If you haven't already, you can join our Married & Alone Facebook group. facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
Yes, we have phone counseling and telephone support groups. We also have support groups on Facebook as well. You can call us at 719-278-3708 and we can help you get started.
For information about IA groups, you can go to: www.drdougweiss.com/intimacy-anorexia-group/ or you can call us at 719-278-3708 for our list of phone groups or for us to check to see if there are any in your local area.
I’m hurting the person I love the most in my life. I come home from a long day of sales meetings time all I want to do is disconnect and by doing so I’m disconnecting from my wife
Dr Doug Weiss please help me I don't have many male friend that are what I would call a good close friend... But I do have a really good close female friend been close for over 30 years or does it have to be a male friend?
For accountability, it's best if the person is of the same gender. You could try getting with someone trustworthy and honest like a pastor, mentor, relative, or a counselor (since they have to abide by confidentiality laws). If you want to consider a counselor, you can contact Heart To Heart Counseling Center at 719-278-3708 to get with one that specializes in intimacy anorexia.
What is the impact on children with a parent with this? Is there any? And is their any hope for my husband to change? Have you seen husbands overcome this?
Most IAs are usually good parents (although there's no research on this). If your husband does the work he can change. I have seen thousands of IAs change for the better. If you'd like, we have a Married and Alone phone group and Facebook group you can join for support. You are not alone in this. www.drdougweiss.com/intimacy-anorexia-group/ facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
Dr Doug, I’m at the end of my rope as my avoidant spouse keeps trying to fix himself. He’s been pushing me away for decades now. There’s a lot I can’t say here. I got to make this the last year I stay. It hurts to tear myself away, but it hurts just as much to stay. What can I do? I know this is not on me. But he’s stopped acting out with help but is now acting in and using good outward behaviors while avoiding physical intimacy.
Despite how painful this is, I'm glad that you are starting to take care of yourself. Your pain and trauma from this are real. I would get the Married & Alone material and the Partner Betrayal Trauma book or DVD and work through them. You can also join a phone group for support, do some individual counseling, or an intensive just for yourself by calling us at 719-278-3708. www.drdougweiss.com/?product_cat=&s=married+and+alone&post_type=product www.drdougweiss.com/product/partner-betrayal-trauma-book/ www.drdougweiss.com/product/partner-betrayal-trauma-dvd/
I would be active in your own healing with the Married & Alone Workbook and Step Guide, as well as being in a group for support. www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-healing-exercises-workbook/ www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-twelve-step-guide/ www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/ facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
Your words and explanations have really resonated with me. It's the first time I've ever had a clue as to what is going on and what I've struggled with. Thank you. You say that I can't heal on my own. I am about to start a new job that will be 8-5 mon-fri and I am having an impossible time finding a regular therapist that works outside of that schedule. How am I going to find a therapist or group that is familiar with this topic with the hours I have? Do you have resources?
We have phone counseling, phone support groups, and Facebook support groups available, some of which may have times that met your needs. Call our main office at 719-278-3708 and our staff can answer any questions you may have regarding scheduling times, resources, etc. You can also check out intimacyanorexia.com/treatment-2/#resourcesnew for helpful resources as well.
Can you please make a video on how any of these materials can, and HAVE been witnessed "by you" to be used in church abuse? Also, can you make a video about equality of accountability when it comes to gender? With the point of view that two partners are required to show up to the relationship. NOT two genders with different role accountabilities.
Dr. Weiss, my wife and I are due to see you in 3 months, if we hold it together until then. I have a question for you concerning addiction. My wife has a serious social media addiction and I feel strongly this is her version of a “sex addiction” yet she adamantly pushes back on me concerning this. Can Social Media be a “Sex Addiction “ and if so, do you see this commonly? Thanks so much and looking forward to working with you.
Just as alcoholism is not a food addiction, this social media addiction isn't really a version of sex addiction. However, it's possible that she's using social media to medicate from the dysfunction in the relationship. However, at this time I would focus on your side of the street and show her what recovery looks like.
Personally I think for women it can be a little bit like reading romance novels if they are looking at other people's seemingly perfect marriages and families, and then feeling bad about her own. In general people compare too much on social media and it's so toxic. I've gone off of it and I feel so much happier without it.
Hello doctor I’m married for 22 years but always been craving for my husbands attention he loves me a lot but doesn’t express in anyways no intimacy no romance in our life once in a while we have sex but its just. Like doing some work I feel very lonely and left out . My kids have been neglected due to this I don’t know how to handle this I feel not loved at all just because of this one person we both are above 45 years old and he thinks as we age our love matures we don’t need to show it pls help I’m ruining my life because of this pls help doctor
Your trauma of living married and alone is real. You might want to get the book "Married & Alone". You can also do counseling and join a phone support group to start your healing. www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-book/ www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/ facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
i’m so glad you’ve uploaded videos on this. I’m married almost 20yrs and I love my husband so so much, but I can’t imagine living the rest of my life/marriage without ever having been told I’m beautiful, sexy, etc. I’ve begged for a love letter for over 10yrs as a negotiation to his “inability” to vocalize the things he says he has a hard time saying. I know he loves me, and he says that all the time, but we have turned into roommates who have sex occasionally. We’ve never been on a date that I didn’t plan or set up, i’ve never been surprised with a romantic outing. What I wouldn’t give to have him just randomly wrap his arms around me and touch me and tell me i’m beautiful. I don’t want to die never having been told by my husband that I’m beautiful.
I'm glad that you've enjoyed these videos and I'm sorry that you are experiencing such pain. If you haven't already, we have a Married & Alone phone group and Facebook group you could join for support.
www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/
www.drdougweiss.com/facebook-groups/
But if they don’t want to change, years of begging and nothing shifting…. Speaks louder than words.
The hardest part is figuring out how to move on, INSIDE the relationship.
He gets his value from his job.
21 years. Four girls. I’ve stayed home and homeschooled.
Everyone loves him… he’s a good man.
What’s a girl to do?
Just keep praying.
Doug is really good hes helped me and my marriage. And we went to a marriage restored weekend session. Look it up it will benefit yall
@@helenpadilla7018 what if your spouse is dead set against therapy or talking?
Same problem with me as well my husband is not ready to changehe thinks he is not the one who needs to be changed he thinks I’m abnormal craving for his attention
A girl would start investing in herself and putting all that beautiful energy into making herself feel good. Small things can make a huge difference. A new outfit, a new hairstyle or colour, some new interests. Being a home maker and full time Mom can be isolating. A girl would think hard about new skills she might like to learn. It's a nice place to make new girlfriends too. Introducing some new and interesting energy into your life will have you shining with a self confidence and fresh beauty within six months. You aren't trying to change who you are, you're enhancing what's already there. You can still be Wife and Mother but it's time to invest in you because you deserve it, because you are beautiful, because you deserve to have your husband shower you with validation and tender words; and it will come when you start shinning with a fresh, new and exciting energy.
Good luck, enjoy the process and the hours spent on yourself. 😊💕
So true… we are approaching our 21st anniversary as well. While I am an RN I also have been homeschooling for the last 15 years as well. Though I did work outside the home for the first 15 years of marriage I made the decision to stay home about 6 years ago to care for my dying father and enjoy our youngest’s elementary year’s. Anyway your comment about moving on within the marriage rings so very true to me. It has been precisely what I have tried to do, unsuccessfully.
Thank you Dr. Weiss! Healing is a beautiful feeling, and I'm thankful for the resources and information you provide.
Diving into God's Word and focusing on how much He loves us, has been a huge step in my healing. Doesn't remove the longing for love/oneness/closeness, but it helps knowing God has big things in store for all of those that love Him.
Thanks again
They don’t love you !!! It’s difficult to accept but you have to accept that fact. If you don’t or can’t leave, find your happiness in others and other things. Don’t give the intimacy anorexic the responsibility of making you happy, they are not capable. They may improve for a while but go back to being the way they are. I have stopped asking for him to love me where I feel emotionally safe because it does no good, so I have accepted it as it is . He finds validation and pleasure in anything other than me. I stay close to Jesus and he gives me strength and my joy is in him. I have mourned what I never had and now I’m okay.
Listening to this video and knowing what’s going on in my own relationship I am so confused not understanding how we can be playful. Spend time together enjoy each other’s company, but no intimacy in the bedroom for months, anxiety. And also a discovery of porn usage, and just not knowing which way to turn, trying to be supportive trying to talk about it getting counseling for myself.
To watch the rest of the Intimacy Anorexia steps, go to the playlist here: ruclips.net/p/PLoQAJVqvxAfjQQowDIhme-GFaGiHkaM6C
Dr. Weiss , this is amazing!!! Thank you.
Thank you ! Dr. Weiss, for this video .
I have no idea how to suggest to my husband about getting help in Intimacy anorexia. He is a tough one to get on board with almost anything that would help our marriage
Been married five years and it’s been a hard five years. I love my husband. Imagining a life time of neglect, being shamed, name calling, devalued and dehumanized is hard to fathom. We need your help . It use to be with holding attention and not giving me time with him. I’ve always been last on his list. It’s gotten worst the last couple of years after his mother died he has been so much worst. Now he with holds and neglects me for days and weeks at a time. When he gets back to being a little normal I still get crumbs. I’ve struggled with sadness, depression and wondering why is a middle aged, attractive, educated woman begging her husband for attention .
You are experiencing Partner Betrayal Trauma. Neglect is traumatic, your symptoms are normal. You could have him watch the RUclips video on "My Spouse thinks I'm Intimacy Anorexic" or watch the Intimacy Anorexia DVD. If he doesn't want to get help for Intimacy Anorexia, he won't change:
ruclips.net/video/6IctfKKnhMQ/видео.html
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-dvd/
You would do well to be in a phone support group and counseling to start your healing.
www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
The DVDs "Unstuck" and "Why Do I Stay" could be helpful for you too.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/unstuck-dvd/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/why-do-i-stay-dvd/
Did you manage to bring this subject up and heal? I’ve only just found information about this, I would like some advice on how to approach the subject with my fiancée if you have any please. Kind regards.
I really don’t want my marriage to end up in divorce how can I help him even when he doesn’t want to be helped and has close his heart to everything to me
Dr weiss...
My husband watched the pain for love video. He said he agrees that he does almost all of them... But He says He doesn't do it intentionally.. He says he does it because we get into arguments ..He is always very good at putting things back on me all the time.. Now he's doing it with this video. If he doesn't take responsibility , nothing will change for our marriage , right?
Denial is more than a river in Egypt. This is complex, and has many facets
Thank you for the information. It is geared toward couples that want to fix their marriage. I'll bet these a group of womwn who shutter at the thought of their spouse ever touching them again. I am in that camp. After years of emotional, verbal and financial abuse and being
called delusional everytime I open my mouth, I would have a hard time believing that any help he'd get, would be just another act. At least I know there's a reason he's toxic.
Dr. Weiss,
I am that husband that has intimacy anorexia. I have put my wife through this torture for 34 years. I knew I had a problem and I am about to lose my Loving Wife over my behavior. I have received info today on the 5 day intensives. It’s not cheap, but sounds worth every penny to have any chance of saving our marriage. I have also watched step one & two of your videos on RUclips.
Are we better to watch the videos and get the workbooks, or come to Colorado?
Finally, can you explain the Brain Optimization? Would that be better for me, my wife, or both?
Thank you Sir.
Yes, you can start with the workbooks/DVD. Although, coming to an intensive will help accelerate her healing and your recovery.
As for the brain optimization, you can call the main office at 719-278-3708 to have them explain it to you.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-steps-guide/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-workbook/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-dvd/
I believe my wife has had this problem for years and because of all the hurt I myself had started to become one or I have become one. How would I introduce this training to her without her becoming upset?
You can't control how she would respond. You could start your journey first with the Intimacy Anorexia DVD and exercises. You can join one of our phone groups by calling us at 719-278-3708. As for having a video to introduce this to her, she can watch the RUclips video "My Spouse Thinks I'm Intimacy Anorexic" or she can watch the IA DVD with you.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-dvd/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-steps-guide/
ruclips.net/video/6IctfKKnhMQ/видео.html
I know that I have Intimacy Anorexia. It is what I was raised in. I have tried to overcome this on my own, as I am not really a group type of person, but do see that I need help. I see the hurt that I am causing my husband. I just ordered the workbook and steps books. I would also like to try a group for accountability. Where or how do I find these groups? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
I'm glad that you are looking for having accountability and support for this. We have phone groups and also a Facebook group that you can join.
www.drdougweiss.com/intimacy-anorexia-group/
facebook.com/groups/femaleIA
You can also call us at 719-278-3708 for more information.
At what point in recovery does the IA start reconnecting with their spouse?
It’s extremely hard for me to give my husband affection .. he abuse me physically , mentally emotionally for years he with hold the finances from me . I couldn’t leave him bc I was illegal and he threaten to take the 2 daughters I had with him, I had 2 of a previous marriage..
When the abuse diminished towards me he abuse them sexually. I’m a Christian and I tried to forgive him but the pain i feel when I see him or remember all his done or when I have to be intimate with him how do I do this ????. My daughters forgave him, and now I the emotionally wrecked , please some guidance 🙏🙏🙏
You need to report the sexual abuse to the authorities, especially if they are still minors. I would start counseling as soon as possible.
How does one heal from repeated infidelity, I became intimacy anorexic over 20 year due to the trauma this caused, not desiring sex made him angry and his anger makes me push away due to childhood trauma. I feel stuck, you are right, he gets angry and I distance myself, he gets depressed I play nice for a few days till the anger surfaces and I’m back to living with armor. Is there help for this situation? I feel like I have PTSD from the pain he caused me and I know deep down I make him suffer for it.
Should the steps be completed with the workbook at the same time? My husband is doing the program and helping her heal, but struggles with lying and/or in denial and says he doesn’t know why he doesn’t stop. So I’m traumatized most days of the week.
Yes, the steps and workbook should be completed at the same time.
Regarding the lying issue, both of you should watch the DVD "Why Men Lie" see if you can discover the root and a plan going forward with consequences for lying.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/why-men-lie-dvd/
I have some questions ❓
How or what classifies IA as an addiction?
Isn't an addiction something that you just can't live without, You have to have it no matter what?
Statement:
I was raised in a home where there was alcohol and drugs and many of my father's other addictions. There was never any love shown in the home. My role in the family was when I was the lost child. I stayed in my room most of the time to hide. Out of sight out of mind.
Does this make me an IA?
So is IA a learned behavior?
Can it be unlearned?
An addiction is pretty much an inclination, tendency, or urge to do something to the point that you lack control over it, have an overwhelming desire for, or it's automatic. It can cause harm to yourself or others around you (whether physically, mentally, emotionally, relationally, with maturity, etc.). In the case of intimacy anorexia, you are actively withholding intimacy from the spouse with your actions to the point that they feel alone, unloved, neglected, and criticized.
Addictions, however, are behavioral choices, and they can healed. An addiction can be unlearned.
Causes of intimacy anorexia can stem from sex abuse/trauma, sex addiction, parental role model neglect, or cross gender parental neglect.
You can check out our website intimacyanorexia.com to learn more and to see if this applies and if you are an intimacy anorexic.
If you are married, ask your spouse what they think or talk to a counselor/coach by calling us at 719-278-3708.
What if your the spouse how do continue to love him and stand by him..When you feel so unworthy..
I would get in a Married & Alone phone group as well as our Facebook group that can give you support in this.
www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
Also if you haven't already, you can view our Married & Alone 12 Step Series (Only the 1st step is up right now but more will be added later): ruclips.net/video/utkv_thO4o0/видео.html
@@DrDougWeiss what if he doesn’t recognize he is doing these behaviors?
Do you have any support groups in the UK, or any Facebook groups for males who have intimacy anorexia?
Yes, we have a phone support group for men who have intimacy anorexia. You can check out the information here or contact my office at 719-278-3708 to get started.
@@DrDougWeissin the UK??
@@bigmanphil85 You can email us at heart2heart@xc.org and my staff can provide a list of phone and virtual groups that can be accessed internationally, even from where you are in the UK.
Thanks!
You're welcome!
How do I even approach my fiancé about this? His always to busy or to worn out, he doesn’t take criticism (which is hard I know) but I would like to talk to him about this before we start our married life, so any advice on how I even start this conversation? Kind regards
We do have a RUclips video that he can watch called "My Spouse thinks I'm Intimacy Anorexic" which introduces the topic: ruclips.net/video/6IctfKKnhMQ/видео.html
You both can also watch the Intimacy Anorexia DVD together to see if he wants to change (his response will tell you if he is willing). If he doesn't want to address it or get help, nothing will change and it will continue.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-dvd/
If you haven't already, you can join our Married & Alone Facebook group.
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
Is there someone who I can talk to on my phone. I have no support anywhere. I live in Canada, Ontario
Yes, we have phone counseling and telephone support groups. We also have support groups on Facebook as well. You can call us at 719-278-3708 and we can help you get started.
Dr. Weiss, how do I join a phone group or local group for accountability as mentioned in this video on Step 1?
For information about IA groups, you can go to: www.drdougweiss.com/intimacy-anorexia-group/ or you can call us at 719-278-3708 for our list of phone groups or for us to check to see if there are any in your local area.
I’m hurting the person I love the most in my life. I come home from a long day of sales meetings time all I want to do is disconnect and by doing so I’m disconnecting from my wife
Glad that you have this insight. You might want to reach out and get more information or help with this.
Dr Doug Weiss please help me I don't have many male friend that are what I would call a good close friend... But I do have a really good close female friend been close for over 30 years or does it have to be a male friend?
For accountability, it's best if the person is of the same gender. You could try getting with someone trustworthy and honest like a pastor, mentor, relative, or a counselor (since they have to abide by confidentiality laws). If you want to consider a counselor, you can contact Heart To Heart Counseling Center at 719-278-3708 to get with one that specializes in intimacy anorexia.
What is the impact on children with a parent with this? Is there any? And is their any hope for my husband to change? Have you seen husbands overcome this?
Most IAs are usually good parents (although there's no research on this).
If your husband does the work he can change. I have seen thousands of IAs change for the better.
If you'd like, we have a Married and Alone phone group and Facebook group you can join for support. You are not alone in this.
www.drdougweiss.com/intimacy-anorexia-group/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
How do we solve this
Dr Doug, I’m at the end of my rope as my avoidant spouse keeps trying to fix himself. He’s been pushing me away for decades now. There’s a lot I can’t say here. I got to make this the last year I stay. It hurts to tear myself away, but it hurts just as much to stay. What can I do? I know this is not on me. But he’s stopped acting out with help but is now acting in and using good outward behaviors while avoiding physical intimacy.
Despite how painful this is, I'm glad that you are starting to take care of yourself. Your pain and trauma from this are real. I would get the Married & Alone material and the Partner Betrayal Trauma book or DVD and work through them. You can also join a phone group for support, do some individual counseling, or an intensive just for yourself by calling us at 719-278-3708.
www.drdougweiss.com/?product_cat=&s=married+and+alone&post_type=product
www.drdougweiss.com/product/partner-betrayal-trauma-book/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/partner-betrayal-trauma-dvd/
Exactly 😢
What should I be doing as a spouse while my husband tries to get help with this? Do I just wait? Do I try and share with him during the process?
I would be active in your own healing with the Married & Alone Workbook and Step Guide, as well as being in a group for support.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-healing-exercises-workbook/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-twelve-step-guide/
www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
Your words and explanations have really resonated with me. It's the first time I've ever had a clue as to what is going on and what I've struggled with. Thank you.
You say that I can't heal on my own. I am about to start a new job that will be 8-5 mon-fri and I am having an impossible time finding a regular therapist that works outside of that schedule. How am I going to find a therapist or group that is familiar with this topic with the hours I have? Do you have resources?
Taking time regular time off for this will not be possible for a while at least
We have phone counseling, phone support groups, and Facebook support groups available, some of which may have times that met your needs. Call our main office at 719-278-3708 and our staff can answer any questions you may have regarding scheduling times, resources, etc.
You can also check out intimacyanorexia.com/treatment-2/#resourcesnew for helpful resources as well.
married
Can you please make a video on how any of these materials can, and HAVE been witnessed "by you" to be used in church abuse? Also, can you make a video about equality of accountability when it comes to gender? With the point of view that two partners are required to show up to the relationship. NOT two genders with different role accountabilities.
I would google those who specialize in church abuse for this request.
Dr. Weiss, my wife and I are due to see you in 3 months, if we hold it together until then. I have a question for you concerning addiction. My wife has a serious social media addiction and I feel strongly this is her version of a “sex addiction” yet she adamantly pushes back on me concerning this. Can Social Media be a “Sex Addiction “ and if so, do you see this commonly? Thanks so much and looking forward to working with you.
Just as alcoholism is not a food addiction, this social media addiction isn't really a version of sex addiction. However, it's possible that she's using social media to medicate from the dysfunction in the relationship. However, at this time I would focus on your side of the street and show her what recovery looks like.
Personally I think for women it can be a little bit like reading romance novels if they are looking at other people's seemingly perfect marriages and families, and then feeling bad about her own. In general people compare too much on social media and it's so toxic. I've gone off of it and I feel so much happier without it.
What about the SA part of IA - which comes first?
It depends since it's different for everyone, but both should be worked.
Hello doctor I’m married for 22 years but always been craving for my husbands attention he loves me a lot but doesn’t express in anyways no intimacy no romance in our life once in a while we have sex but its just. Like doing some work I feel very lonely and left out . My kids have been neglected due to this I don’t know how to handle this I feel not loved at all just because of this one person we both are above 45 years old and he thinks as we age our love matures we don’t need to show it pls help I’m ruining my life because of this pls help doctor
Your trauma of living married and alone is real. You might want to get the book "Married & Alone". You can also do counseling and join a phone support group to start your healing.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-book/
www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/