As I partially estranged parent who doesn't get to see my grandchild very much, I would suggest focusing on your own role in the incident that triggered this estrangement. My daughter asked me to work on myself and I am in therapy and now feel that that was very constructive and good advice. We all need a lot of work And I am supportive of my daughter needing space and hope for a closer relationship some day. thank you for advising us to look at our role and how we may have effected our adult child. Stay away from angry estranged parent echo chambers. Often the advice from other angry parents/ grandparents will be the advice that ensures there will never be reconciliation
Thank you for sharing here. I commend you for working on yourself. It is a win-win for everyone when we put effort towards growth. I appreciate what you are saying regarding angry grandparents and parents. I believe some have been wrongfully accused and unable to repair, and the circumstances vary so much. Every estrangement is not easily categorized and means the parent has been an awful, abusive, and narcissistic parent. Each case is individual. Many parents are deeply hurt by the estrangement, as you know, and their adult kids are unwilling to give repairing a try. What are your thoughts on this?
I looked back and remembered there was a time when I did not want to be around my parents much as they were very controlling. When I felt more secure as a n adult and felt that they were able to respect me as an adult, we were able to have a relationship. So I guess it takes work and patience on both sides. Empathy is what I found lacking on the angry parent site. It is a good safe place to vent but not a good place to seek advice
I would never- EVER- let my violent, abusive, narcissistic, toxic, scapegoating parents near my children for a single hour of their lives. If my parents don't like it they should have thought about that when they were raising me.
You are right to protect your child! But some parents are not abusive and they are targeted as the adult child's scapegoat. Narcissism can be in parents but also the adult child can be so.
Narcissism doesn't happen in a vacuum. The research supports that narcissists are created, not born, which points to failings with the primary caregivers. I run support groups for scapegoat children of narcissist parents, and we are constantly turning down membership requests and ejecting infiltrators to the group who come to complain that their children have gone no contact with them. You can set your clock by their patterns. @@JesusChristisLordH
@@worldadventuretravel you have a right to do that. I think the problem is when a parent allows their children to bond with the grandparent, possibly for years, then the parent and grandparent have a falling out, and the parent uses the innocent child as a weapon to hurt the grandparent by cutting off child grandparent relationship. Forcing a child to sever a loving bond is never ok. The child suffers too. Your case is not that.
Not a bad idea. Win/win for everyone to not be involved with each other. It’d be awful if I expected the people that I cut off to donate any money to me at all. So anyone mad about it truly wouldn’t be a great person.
Using money to manipulate people. Promises of future rewards that both sides know are empty. Playing the victim when you created your situation. Sounds like my clown excuse of a dad, but with better spelling and grammar. So you got that going for you.
Don't sign away all that just yet! You're gonna need it to pay your assisted living and nursing home bills. When you wonder why your own kids don't even want to visit you... Remember how you treated them as children.... how you abused, manipulated, and were constantly selfish. Remember all the chances they gave you and you didnt care. And stop trying to control people with money - if you give in order to get, your manipulating. Stop manipulating and grow up before it's too late.
My dad was not kind to me in many ways, but I saw how much he loved my child, so I separated my relationship from him and my daughters. I allowed my parents to have a solid relationhip with my daughter. He's deceased now. She misses him dearly. I think it takes an awful human to abuse their parents through grandparent alienation, but as they say,, Karma doesnt miss nobody. Those type of people will pay for causing so much emotional distress. We all must pay for our selfishness. That's reality
In summary, the adult child who leaves is always the abuser, but the grandparents are never responsible for the alienation? Life is not so black and white. You cannot assume every adult child you meet who has separated grandchildren from grandparents are in the wrong. Sometimes the grandparents are the selfish ones and adult child sees how much they would suffer, etc.
I sincerely hope you're right cuz I had custody of my grandson from birth to 7:00 till until his father got out of prison he was supposed to do 20 years for a violent home invasion he committed when my daughter was pregnant my daughter or my grandson was 2 months old they lived with me and started leaving for months at a time hanging out with bad people so I took her to court I got custody Florida has no grandparents rights so after a year and a half and a lot of money had three different lawyers he went from small parent in time to 70% parenting time to full custody what's my daughter having no rights at all he then moves oh I'm sorry he moved her back from Las Vegas before so she could be on his side in court but anyway he didn't introduce her to methamphetamine and threw her out so she's homeless on drugs he's got my boy and it's 4 years this month since I've seen him his birthday is tomorrow it is 10 minutes from me everybody says just get over it take his room apart and go on yeah they don't understand this is pain it never leaves my prayers are with everybody hurting no matter the situation
Karma, I’ve seen comes back on them. They think they are teaching us how to treat them, but they are actually modeling for their children to treat them this way. It breaks my heart.
My daughter is doing the same to her father . My granddaughter has a very special bond with her grandfather and my daughter took her 3000 miles and cut us off fully . We can even talk to her or if we send stuff she don’t give it to the baby
You have no ownership of other people. To everyone else, those might be your grandkids. To the parents, you're outside. Talking to the parents as though you have authority over anything regarding their children is begging for trouble. Accept your limited or non-existent relevance in their lives if they've set boundaries. Start from there and build a mutually beneficial relationship when they consent. Bottom line, "No." Is a complete sentence.
Interesting when you share with your peers how prevalent it is. It's like almost every grandparent has an experience of estrangement. Even in the same family you can have 1 estranged and 4 completely regular.
I had my granddaughter all the time . She always wanted to be with us . Then my son in law decided he wanted to move to Vegas . Once they moved the cut us off fully . Yes it’s like a knife was put thru my heart . My granddaughter was 6 when they moved she’s now 7 . Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her she was our life
They were jealous of how your granddaughter reacted to you "in love." So stupid and selfish! Who will watch your grandchild better than you in Las Vegas!?!?! All these child molestors out here. They rather risk that than witness your grandchild love you
@@chynadoll-corporated.i.r.t7734 your so right they hated the love she had for us . I worry everyday she’s okay . I just hope they aren’t leaving her home alone when they go out
I left home at 15. My birth mothers 2nd husband beat her and us. We had our son at 38 and would not let her have anything to do with him. She was in her 60s and said she did not want anyone to know she was a grandmother because she wanted to be glamourous and she was just too busy. Oh well. Years later she got not only cancer but covid at the same time. I got a phone call. I simply hung up. Sometimes it IS the parent.
There’s a lot to be said for showing mercy and giving grace when a person who harmed you is now in need. But not everyone can. At least your child never bonded with her before. That’s mostly where all the damage is done, forcing a child to sever a loving bond with a grandparent because you’re angry. That’s not the case here.
We raised our granddaughters until they were nearly 6. Now we can’t see them and our daughter and her new husband refuse to come over and they won’t let us come over there. This all has happened over the past few months. We are torn up. This was the only home they ever knew.
Consider that evil manifested. Pray, stop apologizing or trying to figure it out. They will come around only when they want to. Joshua Coleman calls it Cult of One. Someone in that cult is jealous that the grandchildren look at you so lovingly, love you so openly, cuddle up to you so effortlessly. Jealous as sh**. Don't like your self respect. Ask if you can write letters (know parents will read them first and even throw them away). Hard to wish your adult child the best when they are causing you so much pain. Continue to reach out, birthdays if "allowed". I know it socks, believe me. Someone feels powerful and by George they are going to let you know it. My assumption is it's not your daughter. Just don't give him a reason to say "see? They are not stable". Gotta keep your mouths closed. Hard to be Godly during this time, but remember God is watching. Them too!
@@cynthiaellington5538 often when a parent has a new spouse, the trouble begins. There’s a book called A Precious Bond by Susan Hoffman, it’s a hands on guide for grandparents with visitation issues. I experienced that very thing. It’s important to always let your daughter know the door is always open. If there is something specific that happened causing her to deny you contact, then send her a note, address it to her and her new husband if he’s the one with the issues. Make it short, to the point…like this Tell them you miss them, you are working on yourself, Apologize for whatever they “think” you did, you realized you shouldn’t have done that, then ask them if they can forgive you and what you can do to make amends. Don’t focus on the children in the note. Don’t point out their role in the problem, and don’t make excuses for why you did what made them angry. They do have power and control…parental rights carry a lot of weight. A grandparent should do what it takes to reconnect with the parent…even eating crow. Let them be right so you and the children can be happy. I wish you well.
The demand for apologies and amends and acknowledgement of most outrageously false accusations is deranged vindictive and immeasurably damaging for both accuser and accused and , most horrifyingly, for my beautiful grandaughter. Thank you for your video.
That's good, because I would never- EVER- let my violent, abusive, narcissistic, toxic, scapegoating parents near my children for a single hour of their lives. No amount of apologizing will make me trust them. If my parents don't like it they should have thought about that when they were raising me.
@@worldadventuretravelwow. Seek help your kids are going to resent not get to see their grandparents. I'm sure you have no responsibility for anything that went wrong with your relationship with your parents
@@paulettelamontagne6992 If our parents abused us then the relationship was never healthy. An unhealthy home is created 100% by the adult(s) inhabiting it. Your child isn't responsible AT ALL but you've been blaming them their whole life for your bad behavior and you're still doing that. That's why you are estranged. You won't even accept/admit to being 50% of the problem in the adult relationship and your child - by the time they cut you out - are done with that Scapegoating of being blamed 100% for all the problems.
@@worldadventuretravelI think the biggest issue when cutting off a grandparent out of anger is when your child has formed a loving bond with them…then you’re punishing the child too. But it seems you never allowed the bond in the first place because your parents mistreated you. In that case, you’re not weaponizing your child. I’m sorry you were mistreated as a child. I hope you heal✌🏼
These are all so SAD and I'm in the same boat, I read one comment where they thought the parent was jealous because the grandkids wanted to spend time with them, that's all I can contribute it too it's heart breaking for us but the grandkids suffer as well.
Yeah I'm sure that's all their is to it. I'm going to make a wild guess and say your a habitual line crossed, don't respect boundaries and say offensive things and when called out say " well you know I didn't mean it that way". I would also imagine your apologies go somthing like this "well I'm so sorry YOUR upset" or "I'm so sorry YOU feel that way, call me when you calm down"
my daughter in law comes from a narcissistic family , this is the family my son married into. we all live near by in a small town. I am the scapegoat. I was ok and good to take care of the girls for years until they started school. now they are 10 and 11 and the mother, the ruler of this family, has put her foot down and I seldom see my granddaughters. this is hurting them . they dont even recomnize me as family! it has hurt them not being allowed to love me and have a loving relationship. heartbreaking!!!
So true. Its like there was a horrific accident. One day they were there. Next day they werent. My biggest fear is what she is telling the boys. Why im not there. What happened to me.
Our estrangement is such a mess, I just cannot type it all out, but it started with my mom's illness and our son's wife being unempathetic due to her own issues and having a mentally ill mother. It's been 6 yrs. we've not seen them, but once when they wanted to pick up their bikes, which we stored for them after moving to a home with no garage or shed. We were able to see our blood granddaughter via her mom contacting us saying our granddaughter was upset she wasn't allowed to see us anymore and was told by our son and DIL that we were not her grandparents anymore. We were able to spend time with her but not our two step granddaughters. This worried us because we felt it placed our blood granddaughter in a bad spot. We after 6 yrs. now have let go of our anger but deal with a feeling of betrayal since our extended family has established a relationship with them and we are still cut off. This has caused tension because the extended family will not talk to us about this. So we've decided life goes on and we're moving forward and not looking back, it's to painful. It is of comfort knowing we are not alone. Until two days ago I never knew there was such an issue across the world, we felt alone in all of it which caused shame. Thank you for sharing, we're watching and learning.
Reading these comments is such a comfort. I have never seen my only granddaughter, Who is ten years old. I Hope to find and connect with her when she has come of age in eight years If I AM still around. I have written down family historie four generations back, to hand over to her.
@@kirstenn.pedersen2598 We are praying the same thing with ours, we did see our granddaughter when she was born, then there was a 2yrs estrangement in which our son blamed it on his girlfriend ( mother of our granddaughter),After they broke up he came around for a couple years, then he married a Narcissist and she tried to demand things of us, and when we stood firm, she began causing problems which has led to this 6yr estrangement. We know she was being told we were no longer her grandparents because after running into her mom she asked why our granddaughter doesn't get to see us anymore. We thought it was her who'd kept her away for the first two years but she definitely wanted us in her life, so when she had her for her weekends and in the summer, we got to spend lots of time with her and her other siblings. It did put her in a bad place because she had to keep quiet about seeing us. Our other granddaughters are our DIL's from her first marriage, be we love them all the same, sadly we have not seen them for the 6yrs. It's an awful situation for all and pray they remember the good times with us on the farm and come find us when they are of age. Hold tight and we will be praying for your situation too.
Not all Grandparents are ‘healthy’ or ‘young’ and the serious stress and pain of estrangement is very serious to their often fragile health particularly to Widows and Widowers or former single parents. Your suggestions puts it all the the Grandparent (s) to be able to navigate all the steps you suggest. I peacefully disagree with your approach and would recommend a more deeper look at the lives of senior citizens. They deserve GRACE. 14:42
How do you prove you've changed when there's no contact? My daughter hasn't seen me since December 2021, and says I haven't changed. How would she know that?
@@jdhutchinson506 I just saw this. I still text to ask to speak to my grandchildren. She won't have a phone conversation with me or an in-person visit, so she bases her opinion on a text in which we don't speak on our issues at all and she is just projecting her thoughts onto me with no justification.
Because she doesn't want to know. She doesn't know what you were supposed to change. If she sees you, she will have to say you haven't changed because that's her only justification. By the way. You can't say anything to them. They joined this cult. It's a cult like any other cult and until the see the damage on their own, you are merely an enemy. Live you best life. Spend all your money. Reverse mortgage your house, join clubs, groups. Volunteer at an elementary school or preschool to get your little one fix and wait to see if she ever sees the light.
You don’t consider the unintended consequences of your approach. When you continue to encourage grandparents to believe that they are entitled to rights that they do not have legally or morally new encourage them to be subtly arrogant. Their adults who are the householders the head of house in their families will recognize the arrogance, and it will push them away even further. I promise you there is a point of no return, because with my pushy mother, she pushed past the point of no return eight years ago, and no amount of efforts no apologies no amends will ever give her a crack in the doorway to be able to get back into our lives. So be sure to recommend that your clients, tread lightly!
You should be ashamed of yourself what was so pushy that you would deny your child the relationship with their grandmother you're not just punishing her you're punishing your child because of your hangups. You're supposed to honor your mother and father unless she's a drug addict or dangerous there's no excuse for the cruelty that you're in partying on these two people
@@paulettelamontagne6992 as you aging former parents continue to go full militant against the now-adult householders who have stared THEIR-OWN families, and are now raising THEIR-OWN children, as the see fit, and as the laws of man 🧍♂️ and God permit them to do, just remember, it was you that wanted this war. it was you that decided to disrespect the adult householders running their own homes and managing their own families the best way they wanted to and soft fit. It was you who decided to disregard boundaries. It was you who decided to overreach. It was you who continued to treat adult householders as if they were stupid children. It was you who didn’t seek personal growth and learning prior to trying to run over other peoples boundaries and enforce your will where you had no right to do so. And as a result, new aging, former parents will continue to suffer and suffer until you come to your senses and understand that you do not have the right to enforce your will on adult householders.
As you continue to take this arrogant militant approach using force just remember it was your side that wanted this war not us. All of us would have permitted the former parents to have relationship with our children. But because your side is determined to take a militant approach, forcing your will into the situation, believing yourselves to be authorities over the adult house holders you’ve created a war you will never win.. and almost every single one of these cases, you overbearing, arrogant self, entitled former parents have over reached trampled upon other peoples boundaries assumed you have unlimited rights and demanded unlimited privileges. You have insulted and demean the adult householders in these situations. The adult householders made every reasonable attempt to find balance in the situation and keep the former parents in the loop. But as the militants pressed and pushed and demanded to have rights that they’re not given by neither God nor man, the adult householders in a last resort, went no contact with their abusive aging parents. As those of you on your side of this argument, continue to suffer and suffer because you’ve gone to war with people who have the power and the right to win this war continue to suffer. Just remember you wanted it this way! It’s like going and picking a fight with a professional boxer, and getting your nose blooded because you’re stupid!and 99% of these cases these aging former parents will lose and they will get their nose as blooded and they will be alienated and for good reason and for good cause!
@@paulettelamontagne6992 I also deny my children relationships with rapid dogs, sharks, rats and many other dangerous creatures. The idea of being ashamed of this policy is absurd.
Thru therapy and an open mind, i learned my daughter inlaw was not happy that my young granddaughter loved being with me. She didnt like that my son also had grown up with my affections and was maturely with admiration. By the time grandchild number 2 came along she was making my sons life difficult and he finally jumped ship, took his wife and children right when my mother was dying during covid. Shocking to say the least. Oh, and i was blamed for it all because I was not allowed to put my face close to the 3 year olds face. That all started prior to covid. Over 3 years i tried very hard not to do that. Im a grandparent of others and they dont have those kind of rules so i slipped up maybe 6 times in 3 years. One of which I didnt, but was accused of. To make a long story short. I finally got thru it all. Took 3 years. They still wont let me have contact. The daughter in law is completely happy because she has destroyed this relationship. While my mother was dying I was hit with this and Im sure I said a few things I shouldnt have. A million apologies later (which werent good enough, even thru a therapist , although the therapist said there was nothing wrong with the apology), i saw dupers delight. So, now Ive adjusted and have numerous other grandchildren which I enjoy. Ive essentially written the others off till they come around. Trouble is Ive lost respect for my son, and im not sure i can get that back. Maybe, he never truly respected me. Anyhow, thats my dilemma. Im sure he never gives it much thought.
An update. After accepting what life is, I just continued reaching out as though normal. Didn't buy into her analysis of me. Just was myself. Which is a pretty nice person. Son and I seemed to have mended fences a bit and I've had some time with these precious kids of his. I prefer he stay happily married and just completely lowered my expectation. It was the only way to keep my insanity. Although it took 3 years to completely heal, I'm in a much better place. I'm older, a tad wiser, and figured my happiness was not dependent upon anything they did or will do. That's mine to find. Appreciate the involvement a do get, albeit very little, but it's much better than imagining my son divorced. Much much better. I would never want that.
Why do grandparents love their grandchildren more than their own children!? Why do you care so much about them when you treated your children like crap!!?
They don't. You just think they do. But they don't. They are not responsible for shaping a child, getting them fed, bathed, educated, out of trouble, spending all their money. They are just grandparents. And what you see is their love and warmth that they gave you without the discipline, structure and responsibility. If you don't see that, and you see a grandparent who mistreat your grandchild, THEN, you may have had a rotten childhood.
I just can't understand why my daughter's in-laws don't intervene on my behalf. Sometimes I even suspect, that they have something to do with my daughter's actions against me. I was put on hold, and during that time, she had a baby girl. I send presents, and she thanked me. Then I send another present for Christmas, and all of a sudden things went fast. She returned the present, she contacted the police, and the police wrote me a letter, just before Christmas, that I must not contact her, or her in-laws directly, or indirectly, and now I'm out in the cold. Abandoned, rejected, and in great pain, and grief. I phoned the police to ask them, what that letter meant, and the officer told me, he was so sorry for me, and cannot understand how my daughter can do that to me, just before Christmas, but he had to send me the letter anyway. He was so kind, and understanding.
@pauldunn9706 0 seconds ago Buy a journal and write down things about yourself, paste pictures of your accomplishments and what you have done with you life. It’s a small diary of you. Why do this? Because your sons or daughters will make up lies about you to keep you from your grandchildren. At least this way at some time in the future they may read your journal and get the absolute truth about you. It might be a good idea get some references from people you worked for or others that know you. Give this journal to a much younger relative and make them promise to deliver this to your grandson or daughter when they turn 18. That’s what I am doing daily.
I'd say anything to get you off the phone too. No means no. You're not confused, you're delusional. If the officer said that, you'd likely complain to his manager though.
@@theodorerooding3536what a judgemental attitude especially towards a person you do not know or circumstances you also do not understand. (Projection?) How about figuring out your own situation wuthout causing harm to others?
Not true, no U.S law demands a parent have any dealings past eighteen, so when parents are there when the others in the world are not, there should be some gratitude.
I came here to try and see possibly see grandparents POV here and perspective (I am the daughter)….then I read some comments…..and I feel like it would be helpful to know about the devouring mother..)
I was banned from You Are Not Alone, a Facebook Group for Estranged Parents after questioning why some angry estranged parents were giving advice that would ensure that if it was taken, there would never be a reconciliation. I go on sites now to see the perspective of estranged adult children, to try to understand my daughter's need for boundaries. She had asked me to get counseling and work on my own self. I am doing that and even though I was hurt and angry when she said it, it has turned out to be a wonderful help and very constructive advice. I applaud you for trying to see the other point of view. You seem like a caring person trying to do the best for your family. Perhaps you can advise the estranged grandparent to get help and therapy for themselves in dealing with a difficult situation but that is hard to do. Hopefully they will see videos such as this ant take the advice to heart. In love
Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate you letting me know about the estranged AC's perspective. This is how we gain empathy. It may not help us regain our relationship, but it will help us learn and gain insights. I appreciate your kind words.
Miss, let me explain something to you reasonably. If a person is selfish and hateful enough to use the grandchild against the grandparent, they will do it again and again to get his or her way; thus, causing the grandparent a lifetime of grief and deep depression. I was hoping that you would have some positive coping skills for the grandparents instead of suggesting bowing down to what the scientists call a form of elder abuse (grandparent alienation).
That’s what my MIL keeps telling us when we don’t allow her contact. “Yall are using the kids as pawns” and “yall use the kids to control and manipulate. Everything has to be yalls way and we can never be good enough” Which is funny because the ONLY thing that’s ever expected is respect. And the kids aren’t even theirs to use as pawns lol. You have to be in the game to use the pawns, and grandparents aren’t on that board. So idk about you, but if “using the grandchildren to get his/her way” means cutting off contact until you respect their parents, they are in full rights to do so. It’s sad that anyone would even have to “use” no contact to get respect from someone, especially for the parents of your own grandchildren, when everyone deserves respect and regard.
@MommyMoniquex5 exactly. They also failed to see that you can't be a part of my kids life without being a part of mine. It's not possible to decide if a parent is toxic for me or my spouse and still allow them access to the children because by default they have access to me. I have to tell them a lot of details and have interactions with them if they are taking my kids without me there.
I was cut off because of my husband and myself having problems in our marriage.Was trying not to involve our Children but my husband decided it was in his best interest to involve our children.We are working on our marriage but the damage is done.I am heartbroken.Love my little granddaughter to the moon and back.
Weaponizing of grandchildren is almost always a false accusation. It is close enough to universal to be reliable that the adult child has a good faith belief that they're protecting their children from the children's grandparents. Specifically it's useful for people trying to help a strange parents and a strange parents themselves to treat the feeling of weaponization as a psychotic delusion in furthering of denial of although it usually just denial. But more importantly the strategy is about seeing the threat perceived by the actual parents of the grandchildren and addressing it to reduce the grandparents status as a threat.
What do you do when you legitimately did everything the child asked you to do, they were raised in a loving home, and they’re legitimately mentally Ill? My daughter will seriously pick something small, turn it into a mountain, and then threaten to take my grandchildren away. I can genuinely say that she invents reasons to be mad and then uses my grandkids as leverage. She takes takes takes takes takes and never once does she ask what she can do in return. Never says thank you. Never reaches out unless she wants something and then has the nerve to say we do too much for our toddler grandbaby and not enough for the younger grandbaby. We don’t see the younger grandbaby as often because they’re still A BABY! She never ASKED for us to take the littlest one? I’m at my wits end. I do more for her than any other person yet I’m the only one she chooses to S*** on again and again. I keep letting it go because I cannot bear the thought of losing my grandchildren…but that also means allowing her to treat me like her doormat (worse than a doormat). I think she’s bi-polar. There’s something wrong but she REFUSES to seek help. I live in fear of her taking my grandchildren away for something she fabricated in her mind.
Don't ever trust her. Try not to bond with the baby. The pain will be unbearable if you lose them both. Protect yourself from her. Either way she has in her mind that she has control over you.. That means she can take the kids if you don't give her what she wants. I was lost and really sick for 5yrs.But as much pain as she caused me. I never gave in. Today I see my grandchildren as much as I want and as much as they want. My relationship with my grandchildren is none of her business. They are older. She knows I don't trust her and I just keep the peace. Nothing more than that. Because I can't handle it anymore..
She's an adult. What she does for herself. Don't bother with that. My sister is bipolar disorder and on medication and being followed. It doesn't change who they are. They have triggers that can last for days. Take care of yourself. Let it go it's not your worry or problem. Let it go. 🙏🙏🙏
🙄 tell me you’re a narcissist without telling me you’re one. You are not a doctor! You need help just as much as her since you are the one who spawned her. Eat your cake, lady!
@pauldunn9706 0 seconds ago Buy a journal and write down things about yourself, paste pictures of your accomplishments and what you have done with you life. It’s a small diary of you. Why do this? Because your sons or daughters will make up lies about you to keep you from your grandchildren. At least this way at some time in the future they may read your journal and get the absolute truth about you. It might be a good idea get some references from people you worked for or others that know you. Give this journal to a much younger relative and make them promise to deliver this to your grandson or daughter when they turn 18. That’s what I am doing daily.
Good that you are bringing this up. Our story is too long to comment here. Its beyond heartbreaking when this happens. Our estrangement lasted 10 years. Toxic daughter in law.
Yes, that's a common culprit. As is a son-in-law who are prone to covert narcissist traits. It is beyond heartbreaking. What these adult children don't know, because they are not wise enough yet, is grandparent love is best at a young age. If you raise your children with existing grandparents that nobody talks about or sees then your little darlings will definitely find you redundant when you are that grandparent. This is how they should know they need more enlightenment and humility. But being so self absorbed and self righteous is getting in the way of their growth.
All these comments are so sad. My torture is because of religion. My son has cut me off because I don't think the way he does about religion. He is telling them I am no longer fit for them to be around. After 12 years of keeping his 3 children. I'm so sad it's almost unbearable
@@ScottRoberts-el2jnLook, I disagree with a lot of people here. I don’t think grandparents are entitled to anything with their grandkids. But I feel for you. So let me ask. Is it possible that you’re able to see your son and his kids without bringing up religion at all? I know it’s hard. I’m a Christian, but my views are quite liberal compared to my MILs and my moms (I live in a conservative state, so that’s expected). But there’s a difference. My MIL is cut off from our kids because she doesn’t respect our views, how we raise/teach our kids, etc. so she verbally expresses that to us and our young children whenever it comes up in her mind, and she sees no issue with her judgements as long as she feels it’s “what’s best”. So there you go. But my mom on the other hand, has the same views, but is NOT the same person as my MIL. She’s super respectful, doesn’t bring up ANYTHING that we disagree on, doesn’t talk to or hint any ideas to my kids when we’re not around, etc. So while my MIL uses her one-on-one time with each of my kids to make herself look good to others and train my children up in her political type of religion, my mom uses her time to actually BE A GRANDPARENT (watch movies, talk about surface level topics, have adventures, go shopping, share old memories of me as a child, etc..) Idk if anything I said correlates with you, but have you thought about any of this? Is there anything you can do to make things better and move forward neutrally with your son & his children??
@moniquewilson4172 Yesit is possible that I see the children and not bring up religion. I've even expressed that very notion to my son,but he won't relent. I'm not interested in teaching them any dogma of any kind. They can grow up and think whatever they please, and I'll still love them! All I want to be is a loving, caring grandfather who has sleepovers, takes them walks on the riverbank, through the woods, campfires,ect...... He and my daughter in law are conservative right wing, if you don't believe the way they do, they cut you off! It's so sad,and I don't see any way out if this torture. I had such a great relationship for 12 years withthise 3 grandchildren, and now, it's complete estrangement. Never saw this coming!
@@MommyMoniquex5I'm sorry but you sound completely narcissistic judgemental in one-sided your mom's great but his mom isn't I'm sure that a woman in the age of grandparent just wouldn't listen when you said don't talk about stuff I don't believe you
I know you briefly mentioned it, but it's actually a larger reason for many adult children's choices to estrange, especially when they are being disrespected by parents. Many young adults are not using their kids as weapons. Many are seeking to protect their kids from the pain and unhealthy influence they experienced with their parents, especially if harmful words or behaviors are unchanging and have continued in the present. This is a wise decision in any relationship and represents the natural consequences for harmful or unhealthy behavior that remains unchanged. If grandparents want to have the possibility to reunite with grandkids, it will take hard internal work to change incorrect or unhealthy beliefs, expectations, and behaviors that harmed and pushed away their adult children, sometimes without intending to. It's okay and healthy to admit we are wrong and have hurt others as parents too and then humbly work to fix it. It increases our influence and often the respect coming back to us. We are all human. Without using that as an excuse to avoid accountability or change, it's healthy for parents and relationships to be human: real and genuine in our strengths and weaknesses. We don't want or need perfect parents. We need humble and genuine parents who are willing to learn and change along with us.
Actually, it's not what you say. The majority of grandparents are loving, giving, generous, supportive boomers who remember what it's like to grow up without all the accouterments of today's affluent middle class. It's more driven by feelings of superiority, control, power, jealousy. Often grandparents have not "done" anything. They are extremely nice people who have shared their love, money and life and it's some intruder that decided they wanted the attention. It all could be solved by regular communication with grandchildren but cutting them off apparently feeds the superiority of hidden insecurities very well. It's sick, it's evil and short of a grandparent being abusive there is zero reason that is acceptable for cutting off grandchildren. Zero. Nobody "deserves" that cruelty.
@@sportsman4545 ... My comment was for any parent or adult child who needed to hear it, and I hope it helps someone. Unfortunately, there are many unhealthy and dysfunctional/abusive patterns of behavior in many grandparents passed down the generations due to their own unhealed pain and trauma, and it's extremely heartbreaking. Providing money and experiences does not necessarily mean there was love as the child needed nor necessarily emotional health and safety in the family, which many young adults are now seeking and what every child needs, including for the grandparents who didn't get it either that then showed up in their parenting. It's unfortunate that self-deception and denial is rampant among many generations and many comments in videos like this instead of humbly accepting responsibility and trying to make it right with those we have hurt so they and we are no longer in pain and family relationships are restored. While the solutions are simple, they are hard to do, but each is worth the effort. No one is entitled to any relationship with anyone, family or not. All relationships need mutual respect, encouragement, care, healthy change and work, and warmth to be healthy and growing, especially parent and child. It's not weak to admit we aren't perfect; it increases our influence to do so. We won't be because we're human, but we can be willing to keep learning better ways. Our wrong behavior does not mean we are worthless. I wish more people understood this and would seek healing for their own past traumas so it wouldn't come out to hurt others anymore. I was speaking from my own experience and the experiences of several close friends with their extended families. So it is very real for many people, and the decision is often very painful for many young adults, and it's not okay to invalidate that nor assume that it is all for power without asking the young adults themselves about why. That's not a very respectful way of seeing or treating young adults, and it only creates further wedges and distance between the generations. We all need to be shown respect as humans, no matter what age we are. If true healing and reconciliation is wanted, we each need to self-reflect deeper, humbly admit where we are wrong, and work to change behaviors and words that harm others as well as ourselves. I do not feel jealous of those I am distancing from, nor do I wish to control them. I am sad that they are choosing behaviors that don't allow for a mutually respectful and caring relationship right now, a natural consequence being my need to distance for my own self-respect, health, and growth. I hope one day we can be close again if they make choices that allow for that to happen. I know several friends wish the same. It sounds like you are in pain too. While I will not comment after this, I do hope you find healing for yourself and in your relationships too.
@@sportsman4545 No, its because for centuries families kept secrets and things just were not talked about. Now we no longer hide away horrific behavior. We force it to be seen by the public even if people get upset. Just because grandma allowed these things to happen does not mean it has to continue
@KittyCuties33 I don't doubt that some parents were abusive. I do find that almost every person I talk to that has this estrangement issue is typically just from one adult child and not the rest. Some grandparents and some adult children are just pretty plain nasty and self righteous and mutuality seems to be lacking.
@inspectorbutters168 I'm sorry but there were secrets and things that shouldn't have been but I forgave my mother and father for their lack of knowledge. As they were in their 20s and 30's and believe it or not those ages don't know all things.
Myself and family 30 years now from my son and today grandchildren involved It's just toxic blaming always It's always same way both sides today, Deviating experience very Good luck everyone else Know my Role still living it Depression Social cronic isolation Anxiety Decades already Keeps me from being around anyone that's how I deal with anyone I just stay away as I'm told to.
Hi it was a few years ago one day my son call me to come and pick up my daugher in law because he are going to be late at work and may be loose his jobso i rush over about 9am in the morning when i arrived icould see that everthing wasnt quite right since that day everthing went down and my grandson is nearly 3 months old and i have been told that i can see him when i am ready so the only mistake i make is to pick her up at the licence office when my son must go back to work and that was like 2 years ago since then she dont ever talk or speak to me 😢
How likely would you have been to become a parent if you were forewarned that some disgruntled 3rd party could take your child from you at any point without cause? Well before you get too excited about having grandchildren you should consider the fact that your own child or that child's spouse has the power to cut you off from the grandchild at any point, for any reason, for any duration. The estranged parent forums are full of people who can handle the fact that their adult child has cut them out of his/her life, but they are completely devastated that the AC has cut off their contact with their grandchild. It has become quite common for new parents to use grandparents for pre-school and later before and after care of their child. Naturally, this results in the child and grandparent having a very strong bond. When a babysitter is no longer needed there is suddenly a blow-up that results in the adult child becoming estranged from his/her parents and taking the grandchild from them as well. It is a very cruel thing to do to the child, but it seems the kind of person who chooses to cut their parent out, has no problem traumatizing his/her child. In light of this very real possibility, I envision a future where a child's grandparents and parents sign a contract. The GPs will promise to be active participants (as defined in the contract) in their roles as GPs and the child's parents promise the GPs will always have access to the child (naturally barring any extreme concerns about the child's safety). I don't see any other way GPs can protect themselves joining the thousands of victims who are already suffering.
I hear this a lot. I think it’s important to grasp what we can control. Unfortunately, we can’t make others keep quiet. In the meantime, work on helping yourself get through this. You don’t need to go down with this ship.
I don’t know why my daughter cut me out of her and my grandkids lives. Her and her husband lived with me and my spouse for over a year. I used to take the grandkids to church every Sunday and to family events I’d do all the holidays with them. Would babysit when they went out for a date or out of town. I saw them usually several times a week. They started not inviting me to birthday and school events. Then she said she didn’t want to communicate with me. Not one word since. No reason no nothing.
@pauldunn9706 0 seconds ago Buy a journal and write down things about yourself, paste pictures of your accomplishments and what you have done with you life. It’s a small diary of you. Why do this? Because your sons or daughters will make up lies about you to keep you from your grandchildren. At least this way at some time in the future they may read your journal and get the absolute truth about you. It might be a good idea get some references from people you worked for or others that know you. Give this journal to a much younger relative and make them promise to deliver this to your grandson or daughter when they turn 18. That’s what I am doing daily.
Question? My then daughter in law ran off with a man online. She grabbed the children and got the courts to allow her to visit with the children to the states. Meanwhile never returning. The judge hates men so it was easy for her to accomplish this as my son was unable to afford anything but legal aid. Bad representation. We really tried financially to help. After 3 yrs of fighting to see the children of course false alligations came up against my son only when the courts seemed to side on his behalf. 2 yrs ago my son was killing in an accident and we have never gotten to see or talk to the children. We have no idea what they were told. We dearly loved and took care of the children as grandparents often. My question. Will the children ever seek us out? I cant imagine what they are going through. One refused to lie about fake abuse by their dad. He was an amazing father. He spent all the time with the kids while she was always out drinking and doing her thing. He was so loyal to her and the children. We just sit and cry so often missing them and wondering if they are ok and being treated well. Due to her going to utah there are no grandparents rights there. Although we have had court orders in 2 provinces it means nothing to police down there. I pray for them always and miss my son of then 32 beyond measure. We cant imagine what the effects of bei g bullied to lie about their father will do mentally to them in time. Especially when they can never reconcile that with our son now. Thank you for reading this question. Signed: "Devestated"
In situations like this, The adults should be ordered to councelling , until there is resolve & peace ( FOR THE SAKE OF THE INNOCENT CHILD/ REN.. Instead everyone backs the adult child .. Both sides need to take responsibility.. The adult child is excused from taking responsibility of inflicting horrific abuse towards their child.. STOP PROTECTING THEM FROM TAKING RESPONSIBILITY.. WE ARENT EXCUSED FROM IT.. WHY SHOULD THEY BE ? THE FOCUS IN THIS VIDEO IS ON THE ADULT CHILD NOT THE CHILD.. As an adult child, if they cant resolve , and it causes abuse towards their child.. Shouldnt intervention be ordered. Yes .. Justice systems and coucellors only support the abuse to continue.. What about the child... WHAT MAKES THEM HAPPY , IS IGNORED . INSTEAD SUPPORT FOR THE ABUSE THEY RECIEVE IS SUPPORTED.
No they shouldn't it is the right of the actual parents of the children to decide who they want in their children's lives. If two parents decide they don't want one or even both sets of grandparents in their children's lives for their own reasons it is not up to the courts to make them go to counseling. They have the right to make decisions for their lives and the lives of their children.
What a boomer comment. Assuming they're the greatest thing to walk the earth and deem it abuse to not be in their presence. I'm so happy for your kids. They have a real opportunity to individuate and discover life.
But in the end its their child not grandparents. They have right to decide who is in their child's life. There is usually is a reason why they decided to cut grandparents out.
If younare estranged for treating your children like garbage, we kids most certainly arent going to allow you to treat our own babies that way as well.
And what happens when the daughter hasn’t cared for the child for the first 5 years of her life? And now I can’t see her at all? Why does the child get their feelings heard and respected when I was used and then discarded.
Thank you for writing. I hear you. I am sorry you can't see your granddaughter. Does your daughter still speak to you on occasion? Do you have any thoughts on what went wrong with the relationship?
She does not. She threatened me with harassment charges if I contact her in any way. What went wrong is that she didn’t take responsibility in the beginning and I had to raise her. I think this is guilt on her part. It’s resentment that she can’t connect or bond to her daughter. She is cold and disconnected. I think she hates the relationship I have with my granddaughter. 😢
This must be horrible for you and your granddaughter. From what you are telling me it sounds like your daughter is troubled. I hope you find support to help you get through this.
Why should I apologize when I didn't do anything? Parents should stand firm about what they ethically and morally will and won't accept. I am what I am, that has never changed.
You pretty much just showed us that you are what you are. Stubborn and unwilling to reflect and make improvements to salvage your relationships. So ultimately you get what you deserve.
@@calicomist9213 I don’t believe I ever said anything of the sort. I said I can see why your adult child would be estranged from you. I definitely can.
@@yeshalloween Calling someone insulting names is treating them as a doormat. So yes, you did say something of the insulting sort. Besides that, you don't know the full story.
EXACTLY! and that's the real problem. Because they feel loved, supported, played with (cell phone, laptop parents) and they hope and pray they can see their grandparents and shame on parents for acting like you've done something wrong or haven't followed a rule to squash your me me me insecurity. And THAT'S the majority of what fuels this fire. Evil
Thats odd. You’d think most parents would know that kids always want to go to the house of someone else who isn’t their primary caretaker. Not because they love those people or what they do more. Just because it’s more fun being different and experiencing new things. In the moment, they enjoy different bed times, extra snacks & candy, new experiences & stories, different pets or neighbors, new shopping places, different meals, and most importantly not having any responsibilities or punishments for the most part. It’s like a vacation. So of course they’ll like it more. That’s nothing to compete over. I’m sorry that they couldn’t see that.
That seems like a really shallow reason. You may want to have a conversation with your DIL and honestly listen and try to see things from their point of view. It may not be that their jealous it may be they don't feel like their wishes are respected when the kids are at your house.
My adult daughter and I had had a blow up 9 months ago and we haven't spoken since - she wrote to me twice do not contact me or my son EVER again - my Grandson was 11 months old at the time. She had been bad mouthing me every single time I looked after him behind my back and I found out about it - we had a minor argument and I completely unleashed. I have since sought therapy to deal with the anxiety attacks I have and the grief of losing both her & my Grandson but she continues to make up disgusting stories about me and it really really hurts - we believe (my therapist & I) that she has Borderline Personality Disorder and quite severe but clearly hasn't sought help for it. We can't ever go back to the relationship we had, but I yearn for some contact and to see and hold my Grandson one more time - he really really loved me and I him and I wanted to always be a big part of his life and hers as she developed into a new mother. It take a village to raise a child and I wanted to be a part of that village along with other relatives who are also ostracized because I am
Oh Michelle I’m so sorry this happened to you!! I understand how difficult this is for you. Some people find others to pour love on. I know it’s not the same. Don’t let yourself go down with that ship. Please keep moving forward step by step. Day by Day.
My son & his wife divorced (against my son’s wishes) on July 3rd, 22. My son gets arrested for sex crimes against children on July 7th 2022 (FBI sting thank the good lord no actual children involved). I stay in the babies lives. They were 2 & 4. Mom remarried & adopted 2 more kids plus has a new born now. Mine are 4 & 7, new ones are 6 & 8. Baby was born in December. In January mom began pushing me away. She would text weird things, accusing me of calling children services or wanting girls to have a relationship with dad. It was kind of bipolar. I took all the girls for ear piercing one day & the next day she texts saying I’ll never see them again because child services came through her house. 2 months later I get a text saying I can see the kids, come to the park & I do. Andria tells me, “mommy says you’re sneaking up behind her back” (7 year old telling me mama is accusing me of something). The next day I get another text, “ you mentioned their dad to them”. Actually, I didn’t. That was the last time I saw them. I finally got an attorney and have begin to sue to get grandparents rights, which is very uncommon here in Alabama. But, I do have a lot of ground to stand on. Please, everyone pray for me.
I was meant to see this video! Marie, I am going to contact you. I think you can be of help to my family. We are not at total estrangement, but we are heading there if something doesnt change! I will reference my RUclips name when I contact you. Blessings to you, and I will be listening to some of your other videos.
My daughter and I have somewhat reconciled in that she allows me to be on her social media and see her life and we occasionally chat and text, but she has made no effort to reconnect me with my grandson. I have not seen him since he was 3 and he is now 12. She never speaks to me when he is around or with her and it’s heartbreaking to me. I am afraid to say anything to her about it as I am afraid this would offend her and she would estrange again. I want to ask or say something but afraid to do so and waiting and hoping that she will bring it up one day. Reconciliation is a step in the right direction but not everything gets healed. So sad because my own mother’s estrangement from her family affected me so deeply as a child and now my own daughter is doing the same thing!
We left our Grandchildrens communion lunch because we were being spoken to rudly by the spouse and spouses family. In order to remain respectful we left. So my Son doesn't speak to us and won't let us see our Grandchildren. The spouse has never liked us even before they got married so she limited our time with them to begin with. We practically have no relationship with them to begin with. I feel this was always the goal so now they got what they wanted.
I cut off my dad because he decided to divorce my mum, destroy our family and get remarried to a childless woman who now thinks shes a grandmother by default. They spend all their time at dinners and parties and never see the kids outside of social media and when they do, they just take photos of them to show off to their friends to make it like they are actualy involved. My children deserve better snd hes said that he deserves happiness. Well my children deserve grandparents more than you deserve your selfish happiness. Hope she cuddles you tight and it was all worth it. Funny how generation divorce break up families yet double down on how important family actually is. Boomers should aim to be the grandparents their parents were....our kids wont miss you so enjoy those cruises
I’ve been cut off from my daughter and my grandkids for 11 years now and it’s still still hard for me specially, during the holidays. And now I’m cut off from my granddaughter because my daughter-in-law doesn’t like me anymore and that kills me.. my son is angry with me and my daughter-in-law hates me and so I buy my granddaughter gifts and stuff for Christmas and her birthday and it’s all in the garage put it in a box. He promised me that he wouldn’t keep her from me, but he doesn’t FaceTime me. He doesn’t call me. I just wanna make it right
Third parties are the greatest reason for adult children to cut off their parents from seeing their grandchildren. There are grandparents who were not the greatest parents but can be loving grandparents. Everyone makes big and small mistakes/bad choices, but they can reform their lives, especially as they get older and wiser. Family estrangement is an epidemic in the millions across all western nations. This is a phenomenon that is very damaging for societies now and in the future and points to a generational problem. I hope people think about that when deciding to cut off their relatives. One of the things influencing estrangement is this psycho-babble that so many have picked up from the internet without really knowing the true meaning of words like narcissist, enmeshed, triangulation, etc. People are diagnosing each other with these words and then dismissing them. It's popular now to just cancel people who we don't agree with. Even some in the mental health field are diagnosing family members without ever meeting them. That's a way of making another person inhuman, and the human condition is more challenging now than ever. Everyone deserves a level of respect, and no one has a right to destroy another person's identity by labeling them and then trashing them. Someone below mentioned grandparents having rights. Well, I would ask, do grandchildren have a right to know their grandparents? I think they do because grandparents are a great asset in a child's life and help for the parents. Grandparents can often be mediators. Every child will eventually know from school and their friends that they should have extended family, and if their parents haven't allowed contact with them, their child will feel deprived. Family Estrangement is generational and children learn by example. I would hope that estranged adult children would consider what example they are setting for their children. Yes, every generation says they will do things differently from their parents, but every generation has to face similar struggles. I hope young parents consider what kind of legacy they want to leave their children.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. One thing I hear from adult children is that grandparents do not have a right to see the grandchildren. There is so much animosity and conflict. Do you think there are cases when the adult child is making the choice to cut off because the history with the parent is so tense and difficult, they want to protect their children? I hear this a lot. On the other side is how sad it is when grandchildren lose out on the many benefits of grandparents. I think there are many estrangements that can be worked out in time and with help if both parties are willing. What do you think?
Hi Rugghead: I hear you., The term "adult child" is widely used to refer to a parent's grown offspring. I suppose individuals can also use the parent of a grandchild. Thanks for your take on this.
Grandparents should help provide and take responsibility for their grandchildren. A good Grandparent will even leave an inheritance to their grandchildren. You don't stop being a parent just because your kids are over the age of 18.
@@bobinch4835 most do, and that’s how the grandparent grandchild bond is formed. Once they have a bond, and the adult child gets angry, they often use the grandchild as a weapon by not letting the grandparent see the child anymore. It’s cruel to the child and to the grandparent. It’s emotional abuse. Many grandparents who have the means do leave their grandchildren and children an inheritance, but what if a grandparent isn’t wealthy, but gave their time while alive? I’m not sure why you bring “inheritances” up?
As I partially estranged parent who doesn't get to see my grandchild very much, I would suggest focusing on your own role in the incident that triggered this estrangement. My daughter asked me to work on myself and I am in therapy and now feel that that was very constructive and good advice. We all need a lot of work And I am supportive of my daughter needing space and hope for a closer relationship some day. thank you for advising us to look at our role and how we may have effected our adult child. Stay away from angry estranged parent echo chambers. Often the advice from other angry parents/ grandparents will be the advice that ensures there will never be reconciliation
Thank you for sharing here. I commend you for working on yourself. It is a win-win for everyone when we put effort towards growth. I appreciate what you are saying regarding angry grandparents and parents. I believe some have been wrongfully accused and unable to repair, and the circumstances vary so much. Every estrangement is not easily categorized and means the parent has been an awful, abusive, and narcissistic parent. Each case is individual. Many parents are deeply hurt by the estrangement, as you know, and their adult kids are unwilling to give repairing a try. What are your thoughts on this?
I looked back and remembered there was a time when I did not want to be around my parents much as they were very controlling. When I felt more secure as a n adult and felt that they were able to respect me as an adult, we were able to have a relationship. So I guess it takes work and patience on both sides. Empathy is what I found lacking on the angry parent site. It is a good safe place to vent but not a good place to seek advice
I admire your strength to accept information you disagree with. Trust the process, I wish you the best.
I would never- EVER- let my violent, abusive, narcissistic, toxic, scapegoating parents near my children for a single hour of their lives. If my parents don't like it they should have thought about that when they were raising me.
You are right to protect your child!
But some parents are not abusive and they are targeted as the adult child's scapegoat. Narcissism can be in parents but also the adult child can be so.
Narcissism doesn't happen in a vacuum. The research supports that narcissists are created, not born, which points to failings with the primary caregivers. I run support groups for scapegoat children of narcissist parents, and we are constantly turning down membership requests and ejecting infiltrators to the group who come to complain that their children have gone no contact with them. You can set your clock by their patterns. @@JesusChristisLordH
You are right
@@worldadventuretravel you have a right to do that. I think the problem is when a parent allows their children to bond with the grandparent, possibly for years, then the parent and grandparent have a falling out, and the parent uses the innocent child as a weapon to hurt the grandparent by cutting off child grandparent relationship. Forcing a child to sever a loving bond is never ok. The child suffers too.
Your case is not that.
What you do is let them know you changed your will,and everything goes to St Jude.
Not a bad idea. Win/win for everyone to not be involved with each other. It’d be awful if I expected the people that I cut off to donate any money to me at all. So anyone mad about it truly wouldn’t be a great person.
Using money to manipulate people. Promises of future rewards that both sides know are empty.
Playing the victim when you created your situation.
Sounds like my clown excuse of a dad, but with better spelling and grammar. So you got that going for you.
.. or to their silbings lol! :D*
@@1besiegedhow had that worked out for you?
Don't sign away all that just yet! You're gonna need it to pay your assisted living and nursing home bills. When you wonder why your own kids don't even want to visit you... Remember how you treated them as children.... how you abused, manipulated, and were constantly selfish. Remember
all the chances they gave you and you didnt care. And stop trying to control people with money - if you give in order to get, your manipulating. Stop manipulating and grow up before it's too late.
Some of them want you to BUY their love & the space to know the kids. That’s a NO for me.
My dad was not kind to me in many ways, but I saw how much he loved my child, so I separated my relationship from him and my daughters. I allowed my parents to have a solid relationhip with my daughter. He's deceased now. She misses him dearly. I think it takes an awful human to abuse their parents through grandparent alienation, but as they say,, Karma doesnt miss nobody. Those type of people will pay for causing so much emotional distress. We all must pay for our selfishness. That's reality
In summary, the adult child who leaves is always the abuser, but the grandparents are never responsible for the alienation?
Life is not so black and white. You cannot assume every adult child you meet who has separated grandchildren from grandparents are in the wrong. Sometimes the grandparents are the selfish ones and adult child sees how much they would suffer, etc.
I sincerely hope you're right cuz I had custody of my grandson from birth to 7:00 till until his father got out of prison he was supposed to do 20 years for a violent home invasion he committed when my daughter was pregnant my daughter or my grandson was 2 months old they lived with me and started leaving for months at a time hanging out with bad people so I took her to court I got custody Florida has no grandparents rights so after a year and a half and a lot of money had three different lawyers he went from small parent in time to 70% parenting time to full custody what's my daughter having no rights at all he then moves oh I'm sorry he moved her back from Las Vegas before so she could be on his side in court but anyway he didn't introduce her to methamphetamine and threw her out so she's homeless on drugs he's got my boy and it's 4 years this month since I've seen him his birthday is tomorrow it is 10 minutes from me everybody says just get over it take his room apart and go on yeah they don't understand this is pain it never leaves my prayers are with everybody hurting no matter the situation
Karma, I’ve seen comes back on them. They think they are teaching us how to treat them, but they are actually modeling for their children to treat them this way. It breaks my heart.
My daughter is doing the same to her father . My granddaughter has a very special bond with her grandfather and my daughter took her 3000 miles and cut us off fully . We can even talk to her or if we send stuff she don’t give it to the baby
You have no ownership of other people.
To everyone else, those might be your grandkids. To the parents, you're outside.
Talking to the parents as though you have authority over anything regarding their children is begging for trouble.
Accept your limited or non-existent relevance in their lives if they've set boundaries. Start from there and build a mutually beneficial relationship when they consent.
Bottom line, "No." Is a complete sentence.
This made me cry
Grandparent alienation is a pandemic ! 😊
Interesting when you share with your peers how prevalent it is. It's like almost every grandparent has an experience of estrangement. Even in the same family you can have 1 estranged and 4 completely regular.
My daughter actually used the pandemic to her advantage. I haven't had any contact since 3/20.
Vampires can't see their reflection.
Hmmm wonder why. Seems like narcissistic selfish mindsets are the pandemic
I had my granddaughter all the time . She always wanted to be with us . Then my son in law decided he wanted to move to Vegas . Once they moved the cut us off fully . Yes it’s like a knife was put thru my heart . My granddaughter was 6 when they moved she’s now 7 . Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her she was our life
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
They were jealous of how your granddaughter reacted to you "in love." So stupid and selfish! Who will watch your grandchild better than you in Las Vegas!?!?! All these child molestors out here. They rather risk that than witness your grandchild love you
@@chynadoll-corporated.i.r.t7734 your so right they hated the love she had for us . I worry everyday she’s okay . I just hope they aren’t leaving her home alone when they go out
I left home at 15. My birth mothers 2nd husband beat her and us. We had our son at 38 and would not let her have anything to do with him. She was in her 60s and said she did not want anyone to know she was a grandmother because she wanted to be glamourous and she was just too busy. Oh well. Years later she got not only cancer but covid at the same time. I got a phone call. I simply hung up. Sometimes it IS the parent.
That is absolutely the truth!
You're an amazing human. Congratulations. You deserve the best in life, you've had enough unpleasantness.
There’s a lot to be said for showing mercy and giving grace when a person who harmed you is now in need. But not everyone can. At least your child never bonded with her before. That’s mostly where all the damage is done, forcing a child to sever a loving bond with a grandparent because you’re angry. That’s not the case here.
@@Carol-mq6fe
Consequences
@@theodorerooding3536 what?
Don't mediate with them, don't let them back in, the whole thing is a setup. Done, no contact.
We raised our granddaughters until they were nearly 6. Now we can’t see them and our daughter and her new husband refuse to come over and they won’t let us come over there. This all has happened over the past few months. We are torn up. This was the only home they ever knew.
Consider that evil manifested. Pray, stop apologizing or trying to figure it out. They will come around only when they want to. Joshua Coleman calls it Cult of One. Someone in that cult is jealous that the grandchildren look at you so lovingly, love you so openly, cuddle up to you so effortlessly. Jealous as sh**. Don't like your self respect. Ask if you can write letters (know parents will read them first and even throw them away). Hard to wish your adult child the best when they are causing you so much pain. Continue to reach out, birthdays if "allowed". I know it socks, believe me. Someone feels powerful and by George they are going to let you know it. My assumption is it's not your daughter. Just don't give him a reason to say "see? They are not stable". Gotta keep your mouths closed. Hard to be Godly during this time, but remember God is watching. Them too!
So sorry you are going through this.
Why such a sudden end to the relationship!?
They used you from 0-6 years old when the child was overactive and wore them out. Now they don't NEED you!
@@cynthiaellington5538 often when a parent has a new spouse, the trouble begins. There’s a book called A Precious Bond by Susan Hoffman, it’s a hands on guide for grandparents with visitation issues. I experienced that very thing. It’s important to always let your daughter know the door is always open. If there is something specific that happened causing her to deny you contact, then send her a note, address it to her and her new husband if he’s the one with the issues. Make it short, to the point…like this
Tell them you miss them, you are working on yourself, Apologize for whatever they “think” you did, you realized you shouldn’t have done that, then ask them if they can forgive you and what you can do to make amends. Don’t focus on the children in the note. Don’t point out their role in the problem, and don’t make excuses for why you did what made them angry.
They do have power and control…parental rights carry a lot of weight. A grandparent should do what it takes to reconnect with the parent…even eating crow. Let them be right so you and the children can be happy.
I wish you well.
The demand for apologies and amends and acknowledgement of most outrageously false accusations is deranged vindictive and immeasurably damaging for both accuser and accused and , most horrifyingly, for my beautiful grandaughter.
Thank you for your video.
That's good, because I would never- EVER- let my violent, abusive, narcissistic, toxic, scapegoating parents near my children for a single hour of their lives. No amount of apologizing will make me trust them. If my parents don't like it they should have thought about that when they were raising me.
@@worldadventuretravelwow. Seek help your kids are going to resent not get to see their grandparents. I'm sure you have no responsibility for anything that went wrong with your relationship with your parents
@@paulettelamontagne6992 If our parents abused us then the relationship was never healthy. An unhealthy home is created 100% by the adult(s) inhabiting it. Your child isn't responsible AT ALL but you've been blaming them their whole life for your bad behavior and you're still doing that. That's why you are estranged. You won't even accept/admit to being 50% of the problem in the adult relationship and your child - by the time they cut you out - are done with that Scapegoating of being blamed 100% for all the problems.
@@worldadventuretravelI think the biggest issue when cutting off a grandparent out of anger is when your child has formed a loving bond with them…then you’re punishing the child too.
But it seems you never allowed the bond in the first place because your parents mistreated you. In that case, you’re not weaponizing your child. I’m sorry you were mistreated as a child. I hope you heal✌🏼
These are all so SAD and I'm in the same boat, I read one comment where they thought the parent was jealous because the grandkids wanted to spend time with them, that's all I can contribute it too it's heart breaking for us but the grandkids suffer as well.
My daughter in law is the problem , she had no mother growing up and believes my son shouldn’t have his either ….. complete narc 💔
Yeah I'm sure that's all their is to it. I'm going to make a wild guess and say your a habitual line crossed, don't respect boundaries and say offensive things and when called out say " well you know I didn't mean it that way".
I would also imagine your apologies go somthing like this "well I'm so sorry YOUR upset" or "I'm so sorry YOU feel that way, call me when you calm down"
my daughter in law comes from a narcissistic family , this is the family my son married into. we all live near by in a small town. I am the scapegoat. I was ok and good to take care of the girls for years until they started school. now they are 10 and 11 and the mother, the ruler of this family, has put her foot down and I seldom see my granddaughters. this is hurting them . they dont even recomnize me as family! it has hurt them not being allowed to love me and have a loving relationship. heartbreaking!!!
So true. Its like there was a horrific accident. One day they were there. Next day they werent.
My biggest fear is what she is telling the boys. Why im not there. What happened to me.
Our estrangement is such a mess, I just cannot type it all out, but it started with my mom's illness and our son's wife being unempathetic due to her own issues and having a mentally ill mother. It's been 6 yrs. we've not seen them, but once when they wanted to pick up their bikes, which we stored for them after moving to a home with no garage or shed. We were able to see our blood granddaughter via her mom contacting us saying our granddaughter was upset she wasn't allowed to see us anymore and was told by our son and DIL that we were not her grandparents anymore. We were able to spend time with her but not our two step granddaughters. This worried us because we felt it placed our blood granddaughter in a bad spot. We after 6 yrs. now have let go of our anger but deal with a feeling of betrayal since our extended family has established a relationship with them and we are still cut off. This has caused tension because the extended family will not talk to us about this. So we've decided life goes on and we're moving forward and not looking back, it's to painful. It is of comfort knowing we are not alone. Until two days ago I never knew there was such an issue across the world, we felt alone in all of it which caused shame. Thank you for sharing, we're watching and learning.
Reading these comments is such a comfort. I have never seen my only granddaughter, Who is ten years old. I Hope to find and connect with her when she has come of age in eight years
If I AM still around. I have written down family historie four generations back, to hand over to her.
@@kirstenn.pedersen2598 We are praying the same thing with ours, we did see our granddaughter when she was born, then there was a 2yrs estrangement in which our son blamed it on his girlfriend ( mother of our granddaughter),After they broke up he came around for a couple years, then he married a Narcissist and she tried to demand things of us, and when we stood firm, she began causing problems which has led to this 6yr estrangement. We know she was being told we were no longer her grandparents because after running into her mom she asked why our granddaughter doesn't get to see us anymore. We thought it was her who'd kept her away for the first two years but she definitely wanted us in her life, so when she had her for her weekends and in the summer, we got to spend lots of time with her and her other siblings. It did put her in a bad place because she had to keep quiet about seeing us. Our other granddaughters are our DIL's from her first marriage, be we love them all the same, sadly we have not seen them for the 6yrs. It's an awful situation for all and pray they remember the good times with us on the farm and come find us when they are of age. Hold tight and we will be praying for your situation too.
That was so insightful x
Thank you 🙏🏻 I’m so glad you found it helpful.
Not all Grandparents are ‘healthy’ or ‘young’ and the serious stress and pain of estrangement is very serious to their often fragile health particularly to Widows and Widowers or former single parents. Your suggestions puts it all the the Grandparent (s) to be able to navigate all the steps you suggest. I peacefully disagree with your approach and would recommend a more deeper look at the lives of senior citizens. They deserve GRACE. 14:42
How do you prove you've changed when there's no contact? My daughter hasn't seen me since December 2021, and says I haven't changed. How would she know that?
If there is no contact how is she saying anything to you
@@jdhutchinson506 I just saw this. I still text to ask to speak to my grandchildren. She won't have a phone conversation with me or an in-person visit, so she bases her opinion on a text in which we don't speak on our issues at all and she is just projecting her thoughts onto me with no justification.
An apology. Letter in the mail.
Because she doesn't want to know. She doesn't know what you were supposed to change. If she sees you, she will have to say you haven't changed because that's her only justification. By the way. You can't say anything to them. They joined this cult. It's a cult like any other cult and until the see the damage on their own, you are merely an enemy. Live you best life. Spend all your money. Reverse mortgage your house, join clubs, groups. Volunteer at an elementary school or preschool to get your little one fix and wait to see if she ever sees the light.
Stalker vibes.
Thank you so much,very interesting
You’re very welcome ☺️
You don’t consider the unintended consequences of your approach. When you continue to encourage grandparents to believe that they are entitled to rights that they do not have legally or morally new encourage them to be subtly arrogant. Their adults who are the householders the head of house in their families will recognize the arrogance, and it will push them away even further. I promise you there is a point of no return, because with my pushy mother, she pushed past the point of no return eight years ago, and no amount of efforts no apologies no amends will ever give her a crack in the doorway to be able to get back into our lives. So be sure to recommend that your clients, tread lightly!
You should be ashamed of yourself what was so pushy that you would deny your child the relationship with their grandmother you're not just punishing her you're punishing your child because of your hangups. You're supposed to honor your mother and father unless she's a drug addict or dangerous there's no excuse for the cruelty that you're in partying on these two people
@@paulettelamontagne6992 as you aging former parents continue to go full militant against the now-adult householders who have stared THEIR-OWN families, and are now raising THEIR-OWN children, as the see fit, and as the laws of man 🧍♂️ and God permit them to do, just remember, it was you that wanted this war. it was you that decided to disrespect the adult householders running their own homes and managing their own families the best way they wanted to and soft fit. It was you who decided to disregard boundaries. It was you who decided to overreach. It was you who continued to treat adult householders as if they were stupid children. It was you who didn’t seek personal growth and learning prior to trying to run over other peoples boundaries and enforce your will where you had no right to do so. And as a result, new aging, former parents will continue to suffer and suffer until you come to your senses and understand that you do not have the right to enforce your will on adult householders.
As you continue to take this arrogant militant approach using force just remember it was your side that wanted this war not us. All of us would have permitted the former parents to have relationship with our children. But because your side is determined to take a militant approach, forcing your will into the situation, believing yourselves to be authorities over the adult house holders you’ve created a war you will never win.. and almost every single one of these cases, you overbearing, arrogant self, entitled former parents have over reached trampled upon other peoples boundaries assumed you have unlimited rights and demanded unlimited privileges. You have insulted and demean the adult householders in these situations. The adult householders made every reasonable attempt to find balance in the situation and keep the former parents in the loop. But as the militants pressed and pushed and demanded to have rights that they’re not given by neither God nor man, the adult householders in a last resort, went no contact with their abusive aging parents. As those of you on your side of this argument, continue to suffer and suffer because you’ve gone to war with people who have the power and the right to win this war continue to suffer. Just remember you wanted it this way! It’s like going and picking a fight with a professional boxer, and getting your nose blooded because you’re stupid!and 99% of these cases these aging former parents will lose and they will get their nose as blooded and they will be alienated and for good reason and for good cause!
@@paulettelamontagne6992 I also deny my children relationships with rapid dogs, sharks, rats and many other dangerous creatures. The idea of being ashamed of this policy is absurd.
@@gorillamax4872Not us! What do you mean? Speak for yourself. Generalizing doesn't help anyone.
Thru therapy and an open mind, i learned my daughter inlaw was not happy that my young granddaughter loved being with me. She didnt like that my son also had grown up with my affections and was maturely with admiration. By the time grandchild number 2 came along she was making my sons life difficult and he finally jumped ship, took his wife and children right when my mother was dying during covid. Shocking to say the least. Oh, and i was blamed for it all because I was not allowed to put my face close to the 3 year olds face. That all started prior to covid. Over 3 years i tried very hard not to do that. Im a grandparent of others and they dont have those kind of rules so i slipped up maybe 6 times in 3 years. One of which I didnt, but was accused of. To make a long story short. I finally got thru it all. Took 3 years. They still wont let me have contact. The daughter in law is completely happy because she has destroyed this relationship. While my mother was dying I was hit with this and Im sure I said a few things I shouldnt have. A million apologies later (which werent good enough, even thru a therapist , although the therapist said there was nothing wrong with the apology), i saw dupers delight. So, now Ive adjusted and have numerous other grandchildren which I enjoy. Ive essentially written the others off till they come around. Trouble is Ive lost respect for my son, and im not sure i can get that back. Maybe, he never truly respected me. Anyhow, thats my dilemma. Im sure he never gives it much thought.
My daughter in law is horrible also
An update. After accepting what life is, I just continued reaching out as though normal. Didn't buy into her analysis of me. Just was myself. Which is a pretty nice person. Son and I seemed to have mended fences a bit and I've had some time with these precious kids of his. I prefer he stay happily married and just completely lowered my expectation. It was the only way to keep my insanity. Although it took 3 years to completely heal, I'm in a much better place. I'm older, a tad wiser, and figured my happiness was not dependent upon anything they did or will do. That's mine to find. Appreciate the involvement a do get, albeit very little, but it's much better than imagining my son divorced. Much much better. I would never want that.
Why do grandparents love their grandchildren more than their own children!? Why do you care so much about them when you treated your children like crap!!?
We are constantly growing. People try to change behavior they may have done in the past and improve. Maybe that's what you're seeing.
They don't. You just think they do. But they don't. They are not responsible for shaping a child, getting them fed, bathed, educated, out of trouble, spending all their money. They are just grandparents. And what you see is their love and warmth that they gave you without the discipline, structure and responsibility. If you don't see that, and you see a grandparent who mistreat your grandchild, THEN, you may have had a rotten childhood.
I just can't understand why my daughter's in-laws don't intervene on my behalf. Sometimes I even suspect, that they have something to do with my daughter's actions against me. I was put on hold, and during that time, she had a baby girl. I send presents, and she thanked me. Then I send another present for Christmas, and all of a sudden things went fast. She returned the present, she contacted the police, and the police wrote me a letter, just before Christmas, that I must not contact her, or her in-laws directly, or indirectly, and now I'm out in the cold. Abandoned, rejected, and in great pain, and grief. I phoned the police to ask them, what that letter meant, and the officer told me, he was so sorry for me, and cannot understand how my daughter can do that to me, just before Christmas, but he had to send me the letter anyway. He was so kind, and understanding.
@pauldunn9706
0 seconds ago
Buy a journal and write down things about yourself, paste pictures of your accomplishments and what you have done with you life. It’s a small diary of you. Why do this? Because your sons or daughters will make up lies about you to keep you from your grandchildren. At least this way at some time in the future they may read your journal and get the absolute truth about you. It might be a good idea get some references from people you worked for or others that know you. Give this journal to a much younger relative and make them promise to deliver this to your grandson or daughter when they turn 18. That’s what I am doing daily.
almost the same story here
I'd say anything to get you off the phone too.
No means no. You're not confused, you're delusional.
If the officer said that, you'd likely complain to his manager though.
@@theodorerooding3536what a judgemental attitude especially towards a person you do not know or circumstances you also do not understand. (Projection?) How about figuring out your own situation wuthout causing harm to others?
Your relationship with your adult child is the grade you get as a parent.
Not true, no U.S law demands a parent have any dealings past eighteen, so when parents are there when the others in the world are not, there should be some gratitude.
What if one child loves you dearly and would never cut you off? A+ for one and F for the other? So I am a C parent...im average?
I love this! Just an elegant way of putting it.
Not true,especially if they marry a narcissist
@@sandiish64 You raised a child who married a narcissist (the most over used cliche' word of year) but that, of course, is no reflection on you.
I came here to try and see possibly see grandparents POV here and perspective (I am the daughter)….then I read some comments…..and I feel like it would be helpful to know about the devouring mother..)
I was banned from You Are Not Alone, a Facebook Group for Estranged Parents after questioning why some angry estranged parents were giving advice that would ensure that if it was taken, there would never be a reconciliation. I go on sites now to see the perspective of estranged adult children, to try to understand my daughter's need for boundaries. She had asked me to get counseling and work on my own self. I am doing that and even though I was hurt and angry when she said it, it has turned out to be a wonderful help and very constructive advice. I applaud you for trying to see the other point of view. You seem like a caring person trying to do the best for your family. Perhaps you can advise the estranged grandparent to get help and therapy for themselves in dealing with a difficult situation but that is hard to do. Hopefully they will see videos such as this ant take the advice to heart. In love
Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate you letting me know about the estranged AC's perspective. This is how we gain empathy. It may not help us regain our relationship, but it will help us learn and gain insights. I appreciate your kind words.
Miss, let me explain something to you reasonably. If a person is selfish and hateful enough to use the grandchild against the grandparent, they will do it again and again to get his or her way; thus, causing the grandparent a lifetime of grief and deep depression.
I was hoping that you would have some positive coping skills for the grandparents instead of suggesting bowing down to what the scientists call a form of elder abuse (grandparent alienation).
That’s what my MIL keeps telling us when we don’t allow her contact. “Yall are using the kids as pawns” and “yall use the kids to control and manipulate. Everything has to be yalls way and we can never be good enough”
Which is funny because the ONLY thing that’s ever expected is respect. And the kids aren’t even theirs to use as pawns lol. You have to be in the game to use the pawns, and grandparents aren’t on that board. So idk about you, but if “using the grandchildren to get his/her way” means cutting off contact until you respect their parents, they are in full rights to do so. It’s sad that anyone would even have to “use” no contact to get respect from someone, especially for the parents of your own grandchildren, when everyone deserves respect and regard.
@MommyMoniquex5 exactly. They also failed to see that you can't be a part of my kids life without being a part of mine. It's not possible to decide if a parent is toxic for me or my spouse and still allow them access to the children because by default they have access to me. I have to tell them a lot of details and have interactions with them if they are taking my kids without me there.
I was cut off because of my husband and myself having problems in our marriage.Was trying not to involve our Children but my husband decided it was in his best interest to involve our children.We are working on our marriage but the damage is done.I am heartbroken.Love my little granddaughter to the moon and back.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I know it’s not going to be easy but each day purposefully do things to help you heal.
Weaponizing of grandchildren is almost always a false accusation. It is close enough to universal to be reliable that the adult child has a good faith belief that they're protecting their children from the children's grandparents. Specifically it's useful for people trying to help a strange parents and a strange parents themselves to treat the feeling of weaponization as a psychotic delusion in furthering of denial of although it usually just denial. But more importantly the strategy is about seeing the threat perceived by the actual parents of the grandchildren and addressing it to reduce the grandparents status as a threat.
You are amazing! Thank you. Wish I could talk to you.
Thank you 🙏🏻
What do you do when you legitimately did everything the child asked you to do, they were raised in a loving home, and they’re legitimately mentally Ill? My daughter will seriously pick something small, turn it into a mountain, and then threaten to take my grandchildren away. I can genuinely say that she invents reasons to be mad and then uses my grandkids as leverage. She takes takes takes takes takes and never once does she ask what she can do in return. Never says thank you. Never reaches out unless she wants something and then has the nerve to say we do too much for our toddler grandbaby and not enough for the younger grandbaby. We don’t see the younger grandbaby as often because they’re still A BABY! She never ASKED for us to take the littlest one? I’m at my wits end. I do more for her than any other person yet I’m the only one she chooses to S*** on again and again. I keep letting it go because I cannot bear the thought of losing my grandchildren…but that also means allowing her to treat me like her doormat (worse than a doormat). I think she’s bi-polar. There’s something wrong but she REFUSES to seek help. I live in fear of her taking my grandchildren away for something she fabricated in her mind.
Don't ever trust her. Try not to bond with the baby. The pain will be unbearable if you lose them both. Protect yourself from her. Either way she has in her mind that she has control over you.. That means she can take the kids if you don't give her what she wants. I was lost and really sick for 5yrs.But as much pain as she caused me. I never gave in. Today I see my grandchildren as much as I want and as much as they want. My relationship with my grandchildren is none of her business. They are older. She knows I don't trust her and I just keep the peace. Nothing more than that. Because I can't handle it anymore..
She's an adult. What she does for herself. Don't bother with that. My sister is bipolar disorder and on medication and being followed. It doesn't change who they are. They have triggers that can last for days. Take care of yourself. Let it go it's not your worry or problem. Let it go. 🙏🙏🙏
🙄 tell me you’re a narcissist without telling me you’re one.
You are not a doctor! You need help just as much as her since you are the one who spawned her. Eat your cake, lady!
@pauldunn9706
0 seconds ago
Buy a journal and write down things about yourself, paste pictures of your accomplishments and what you have done with you life. It’s a small diary of you. Why do this? Because your sons or daughters will make up lies about you to keep you from your grandchildren. At least this way at some time in the future they may read your journal and get the absolute truth about you. It might be a good idea get some references from people you worked for or others that know you. Give this journal to a much younger relative and make them promise to deliver this to your grandson or daughter when they turn 18. That’s what I am doing daily.
Good that you are bringing this up. Our story is too long to comment here. Its beyond heartbreaking when this happens. Our estrangement lasted 10 years. Toxic daughter in law.
Yes, that's a common culprit. As is a son-in-law who are prone to covert narcissist traits. It is beyond heartbreaking. What these adult children don't know, because they are not wise enough yet, is grandparent love is best at a young age. If you raise your children with existing grandparents that nobody talks about or sees then your little darlings will definitely find you redundant when you are that grandparent. This is how they should know they need more enlightenment and humility. But being so self absorbed and self righteous is getting in the way of their growth.
All these comments are so sad. My torture is because of religion. My son has cut me off because I don't think the way he does about religion. He is telling them I am no longer fit for them to be around. After 12 years of keeping his 3 children. I'm so sad it's almost unbearable
@@ScottRoberts-el2jnLook, I disagree with a lot of people here. I don’t think grandparents are entitled to anything with their grandkids. But I feel for you. So let me ask. Is it possible that you’re able to see your son and his kids without bringing up religion at all? I know it’s hard. I’m a Christian, but my views are quite liberal compared to my MILs and my moms (I live in a conservative state, so that’s expected). But there’s a difference. My MIL is cut off from our kids because she doesn’t respect our views, how we raise/teach our kids, etc. so she verbally expresses that to us and our young children whenever it comes up in her mind, and she sees no issue with her judgements as long as she feels it’s “what’s best”. So there you go. But my mom on the other hand, has the same views, but is NOT the same person as my MIL. She’s super respectful, doesn’t bring up ANYTHING that we disagree on, doesn’t talk to or hint any ideas to my kids when we’re not around, etc. So while my MIL uses her one-on-one time with each of my kids to make herself look good to others and train my children up in her political type of religion, my mom uses her time to actually BE A GRANDPARENT (watch movies, talk about surface level topics, have adventures, go shopping, share old memories of me as a child, etc..) Idk if anything I said correlates with you, but have you thought about any of this? Is there anything you can do to make things better and move forward neutrally with your son & his children??
@moniquewilson4172 Yesit is possible that I see the children and not bring up religion. I've even expressed that very notion to my son,but he won't relent. I'm not interested in teaching them any dogma of any kind. They can grow up and think whatever they please, and I'll still love them! All I want to be is a loving, caring grandfather who has sleepovers, takes them walks on the riverbank, through the woods, campfires,ect...... He and my daughter in law are conservative right wing, if you don't believe the way they do, they cut you off! It's so sad,and I don't see any way out if this torture. I had such a great relationship for 12 years withthise 3 grandchildren, and now, it's complete estrangement. Never saw this coming!
@@MommyMoniquex5I'm sorry but you sound completely narcissistic judgemental in one-sided your mom's great but his mom isn't I'm sure that a woman in the age of grandparent just wouldn't listen when you said don't talk about stuff I don't believe you
I know you briefly mentioned it, but it's actually a larger reason for many adult children's choices to estrange, especially when they are being disrespected by parents. Many young adults are not using their kids as weapons. Many are seeking to protect their kids from the pain and unhealthy influence they experienced with their parents, especially if harmful words or behaviors are unchanging and have continued in the present. This is a wise decision in any relationship and represents the natural consequences for harmful or unhealthy behavior that remains unchanged. If grandparents want to have the possibility to reunite with grandkids, it will take hard internal work to change incorrect or unhealthy beliefs, expectations, and behaviors that harmed and pushed away their adult children, sometimes without intending to. It's okay and healthy to admit we are wrong and have hurt others as parents too and then humbly work to fix it. It increases our influence and often the respect coming back to us. We are all human. Without using that as an excuse to avoid accountability or change, it's healthy for parents and relationships to be human: real and genuine in our strengths and weaknesses. We don't want or need perfect parents. We need humble and genuine parents who are willing to learn and change along with us.
Actually, it's not what you say. The majority of grandparents are loving, giving, generous, supportive boomers who remember what it's like to grow up without all the accouterments of today's affluent middle class. It's more driven by feelings of superiority, control, power, jealousy. Often grandparents have not "done" anything. They are extremely nice people who have shared their love, money and life and it's some intruder that decided they wanted the attention. It all could be solved by regular communication with grandchildren but cutting them off apparently feeds the superiority of hidden insecurities very well. It's sick, it's evil and short of a grandparent being abusive there is zero reason that is acceptable for cutting off grandchildren. Zero. Nobody "deserves" that cruelty.
@@sportsman4545 ... My comment was for any parent or adult child who needed to hear it, and I hope it helps someone.
Unfortunately, there are many unhealthy and dysfunctional/abusive patterns of behavior in many grandparents passed down the generations due to their own unhealed pain and trauma, and it's extremely heartbreaking. Providing money and experiences does not necessarily mean there was love as the child needed nor necessarily emotional health and safety in the family, which many young adults are now seeking and what every child needs, including for the grandparents who didn't get it either that then showed up in their parenting. It's unfortunate that self-deception and denial is rampant among many generations and many comments in videos like this instead of humbly accepting responsibility and trying to make it right with those we have hurt so they and we are no longer in pain and family relationships are restored. While the solutions are simple, they are hard to do, but each is worth the effort. No one is entitled to any relationship with anyone, family or not. All relationships need mutual respect, encouragement, care, healthy change and work, and warmth to be healthy and growing, especially parent and child. It's not weak to admit we aren't perfect; it increases our influence to do so. We won't be because we're human, but we can be willing to keep learning better ways. Our wrong behavior does not mean we are worthless. I wish more people understood this and would seek healing for their own past traumas so it wouldn't come out to hurt others anymore.
I was speaking from my own experience and the experiences of several close friends with their extended families. So it is very real for many people, and the decision is often very painful for many young adults, and it's not okay to invalidate that nor assume that it is all for power without asking the young adults themselves about why. That's not a very respectful way of seeing or treating young adults, and it only creates further wedges and distance between the generations. We all need to be shown respect as humans, no matter what age we are. If true healing and reconciliation is wanted, we each need to self-reflect deeper, humbly admit where we are wrong, and work to change behaviors and words that harm others as well as ourselves. I do not feel jealous of those I am distancing from, nor do I wish to control them. I am sad that they are choosing behaviors that don't allow for a mutually respectful and caring relationship right now, a natural consequence being my need to distance for my own self-respect, health, and growth. I hope one day we can be close again if they make choices that allow for that to happen. I know several friends wish the same. It sounds like you are in pain too. While I will not comment after this, I do hope you find healing for yourself and in your relationships too.
@@sportsman4545 No, its because for centuries families kept secrets and things just were not talked about. Now we no longer hide away horrific behavior. We force it to be seen by the public even if people get upset. Just because grandma allowed these things to happen does not mean it has to continue
@KittyCuties33 I don't doubt that some parents were abusive. I do find that almost every person I talk to that has this estrangement issue is typically just from one adult child and not the rest. Some grandparents and some adult children are just pretty plain nasty and self righteous and mutuality seems to be lacking.
@inspectorbutters168 I'm sorry but there were secrets and things that shouldn't have been but I forgave my mother and father for their lack of knowledge. As they were in their 20s and 30's and believe it or not those ages don't know all things.
Myself and family 30 years now from my son and today grandchildren involved It's just toxic blaming always It's always same way both sides today, Deviating experience very Good luck everyone else Know my Role still living it Depression Social cronic isolation Anxiety Decades already Keeps me from being around anyone that's how I deal with anyone I just stay away as I'm told to.
I hear you. If you’re struggling. Can you get help? Check out resources on line. You don’t need to do it alone.
Hi it was a few years ago one day my son call me to come and pick up my daugher in law because he are going to be late at work and may be loose his jobso i rush over about 9am in the morning when i arrived icould see that everthing wasnt quite right since that day everthing went down and my grandson is nearly 3 months old and i have been told that i can see him when i am ready so the only mistake i make is to pick her up at the licence office when my son must go back to work and that was like 2 years ago since then she dont ever talk or speak to me 😢
How likely would you have been to become a parent if you were forewarned that some disgruntled 3rd party could take your child from you at any point without cause?
Well before you get too excited about having grandchildren you should consider the fact that your own child or that child's spouse has the power to cut you off from the grandchild at any point, for any reason, for any duration.
The estranged parent forums are full of people who can handle the fact that their adult child has cut them out of his/her life, but they are completely devastated that the AC has cut off their contact with their grandchild.
It has become quite common for new parents to use grandparents for pre-school and later before and after care of their child. Naturally, this results in the child and grandparent having a very strong bond. When a babysitter is no longer needed there is suddenly a blow-up that results in the adult child becoming estranged from his/her parents and taking the grandchild from them as well. It is a very cruel thing to do to the child, but it seems the kind of person who chooses to cut their parent out, has no problem traumatizing his/her child.
In light of this very real possibility, I envision a future where a child's grandparents and parents sign a contract. The GPs will promise to be active participants (as defined in the contract) in their roles as GPs and the child's parents promise the GPs will always have access to the child (naturally barring any extreme concerns about the child's safety). I don't see any other way GPs can protect themselves joining the thousands of victims who are already suffering.
What if they say nothing to you but trash you to others?
I hear this a lot. I think it’s important to grasp what we can control. Unfortunately, we can’t make others keep quiet. In the meantime, work on helping yourself get through this. You don’t need to go down with this ship.
I don’t know why my daughter cut me out of her and my grandkids lives. Her and her husband lived with me and my spouse for over a year. I used to take the grandkids to church every Sunday and to family events I’d do all the holidays with them. Would babysit when they went out for a date or out of town. I saw them usually several times a week. They started not inviting me to birthday and school events. Then she said she didn’t want to communicate with me. Not one word since. No reason no nothing.
@pauldunn9706
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Buy a journal and write down things about yourself, paste pictures of your accomplishments and what you have done with you life. It’s a small diary of you. Why do this? Because your sons or daughters will make up lies about you to keep you from your grandchildren. At least this way at some time in the future they may read your journal and get the absolute truth about you. It might be a good idea get some references from people you worked for or others that know you. Give this journal to a much younger relative and make them promise to deliver this to your grandson or daughter when they turn 18. That’s what I am doing daily.
Question? My then daughter in law ran off with a man online. She grabbed the children and got the courts to allow her to visit with the children to the states. Meanwhile never returning. The judge hates men so it was easy for her to accomplish this as my son was unable to afford anything but legal aid. Bad representation. We really tried financially to help. After 3 yrs of fighting to see the children of course false alligations came up against my son only when the courts seemed to side on his behalf. 2 yrs ago my son was killing in an accident and we have never gotten to see or talk to the children. We have no idea what they were told. We dearly loved and took care of the children as grandparents often.
My question. Will the children ever seek us out? I cant imagine what they are going through. One refused to lie about fake abuse by their dad. He was an amazing father. He spent all the time with the kids while she was always out drinking and doing her thing. He was so loyal to her and the children.
We just sit and cry so often missing them and wondering if they are ok and being treated well. Due to her going to utah there are no grandparents rights there. Although we have had court orders in 2 provinces it means nothing to police down there. I pray for them always and miss my son of then 32 beyond measure. We cant imagine what the effects of bei g bullied to lie about their father will do mentally to them in time. Especially when they can never reconcile that with our son now. Thank you for reading this question. Signed: "Devestated"
In situations like this,
The adults should be ordered to councelling , until there is resolve & peace ( FOR THE SAKE OF THE INNOCENT CHILD/ REN..
Instead everyone backs the adult child ..
Both sides need to take responsibility..
The adult child is excused from taking responsibility of inflicting horrific abuse towards their child..
STOP PROTECTING THEM FROM TAKING RESPONSIBILITY..
WE ARENT EXCUSED FROM IT..
WHY SHOULD THEY BE ?
THE FOCUS IN THIS VIDEO IS ON THE ADULT CHILD
NOT THE CHILD..
As an adult child, if they cant resolve , and it causes abuse towards their child..
Shouldnt intervention be ordered.
Yes ..
Justice systems and coucellors only support the abuse to continue..
What about the child...
WHAT MAKES THEM HAPPY ,
IS IGNORED .
INSTEAD SUPPORT FOR THE ABUSE THEY RECIEVE IS SUPPORTED.
No they shouldn't it is the right of the actual parents of the children to decide who they want in their children's lives. If two parents decide they don't want one or even both sets of grandparents in their children's lives for their own reasons it is not up to the courts to make them go to counseling. They have the right to make decisions for their lives and the lives of their children.
What a boomer comment. Assuming they're the greatest thing to walk the earth and deem it abuse to not be in their presence.
I'm so happy for your kids. They have a real opportunity to individuate and discover life.
But in the end its their child not grandparents. They have right to decide who is in their child's life. There is usually is a reason why they decided to cut grandparents out.
If younare estranged for treating your children like garbage, we kids most certainly arent going to allow you to treat our own babies that way as well.
And what happens when the daughter hasn’t cared for the child for the first 5 years of her life? And now I can’t see her at all? Why does the child get their feelings heard and respected when I was used and then discarded.
Thank you for writing. I hear you. I am sorry you can't see your granddaughter.
Does your daughter still speak to you on occasion? Do you have any thoughts on what went wrong with the relationship?
She does not. She threatened me with harassment charges if I contact her in any way. What went wrong is that she didn’t take responsibility in the beginning and I had to raise her. I think this is guilt on her part. It’s resentment that she can’t connect or bond to her daughter. She is cold and disconnected. I think she hates the relationship I have with my granddaughter. 😢
This must be horrible for you and your granddaughter. From what you are telling me it sounds like your daughter is troubled. I hope you find support to help you get through this.
Why should I apologize when I didn't do anything? Parents should stand firm about what they ethically and morally will and won't accept. I am what I am, that has never changed.
You pretty much just showed us that you are what you are. Stubborn and unwilling to reflect and make improvements to salvage your relationships. So ultimately you get what you deserve.
@@yeshalloween Parents aren't doormats.
@@calicomist9213 I don’t believe I ever said anything of the sort. I said I can see why your adult child would be estranged from you. I definitely can.
@@yeshalloween Calling someone insulting names is treating them as a doormat. So yes, you did say something of the insulting sort. Besides that, you don't know the full story.
It sounds like you have a boundary and they have a boundary. Why should they give up their boundary but yours is the only one that matters?
My dil was jealous because my grandchildren were always asking to come to my house
EXACTLY! and that's the real problem. Because they feel loved, supported, played with (cell phone, laptop parents) and they hope and pray they can see their grandparents and shame on parents for acting like you've done something wrong or haven't followed a rule to squash your me me me insecurity. And THAT'S the majority of what fuels this fire. Evil
@@sportsman4545 amen
Thats odd. You’d think most parents would know that kids always want to go to the house of someone else who isn’t their primary caretaker. Not because they love those people or what they do more. Just because it’s more fun being different and experiencing new things. In the moment, they enjoy different bed times, extra snacks & candy, new experiences & stories, different pets or neighbors, new shopping places, different meals, and most importantly not having any responsibilities or punishments for the most part. It’s like a vacation. So of course they’ll like it more. That’s nothing to compete over. I’m sorry that they couldn’t see that.
@@MommyMoniquex5 thank u. What a kind response. Bless you
That seems like a really shallow reason. You may want to have a conversation with your DIL and honestly listen and try to see things from their point of view. It may not be that their jealous it may be they don't feel like their wishes are respected when the kids are at your house.
My adult daughter and I had had a blow up 9 months ago and we haven't spoken since - she wrote to me twice do not contact me or my son EVER again - my Grandson was 11 months old at the time. She had been bad mouthing me every single time I looked after him behind my back and I found out about it - we had a minor argument and I completely unleashed. I have since sought therapy to deal with the anxiety attacks I have and the grief of losing both her & my Grandson but she continues to make up disgusting stories about me and it really really hurts - we believe (my therapist & I) that she has Borderline Personality Disorder and quite severe but clearly hasn't sought help for it. We can't ever go back to the relationship we had, but I yearn for some contact and to see and hold my Grandson one more time - he really really loved me and I him and I wanted to always be a big part of his life and hers as she developed into a new mother. It take a village to raise a child and I wanted to be a part of that village along with other relatives who are also ostracized because I am
Oh Michelle I’m so sorry this happened to you!! I understand how difficult this is for you. Some people find others to pour love on. I know it’s not the same. Don’t let yourself go down with that ship. Please keep moving forward step by step. Day by Day.
My son & his wife divorced (against my son’s wishes) on July 3rd, 22. My son gets arrested for sex crimes against children on July 7th 2022 (FBI sting thank the good lord no actual children involved). I stay in the babies lives. They were 2 & 4. Mom remarried & adopted 2 more kids plus has a new born now. Mine are 4 & 7, new ones are 6 & 8. Baby was born in December. In January mom began pushing me away. She would text weird things, accusing me of calling children services or wanting girls to have a relationship with dad. It was kind of bipolar. I took all the girls for ear piercing one day & the next day she texts saying I’ll never see them again because child services came through her house. 2 months later I get a text saying I can see the kids, come to the park & I do. Andria tells me, “mommy says you’re sneaking up behind her back” (7 year old telling me mama is accusing me of something). The next day I get another text, “ you mentioned their dad to them”. Actually, I didn’t. That was the last time I saw them. I finally got an attorney and have begin to sue to get grandparents rights, which is very uncommon here in Alabama. But, I do have a lot of ground to stand on. Please, everyone pray for me.
I was meant to see this video! Marie, I am going to contact you. I think you can be of help to my family. We are not at total estrangement, but we are heading there if something doesnt change! I will reference my RUclips name when I contact you. Blessings to you, and I will be listening to some of your other videos.
Who doesn't have family issues. What I have noticed we are in generation throw away parents and withhold grandchildren.
My daughter and I have somewhat reconciled in that she allows me to be on her social media and see her life and we occasionally chat and text, but she has made no effort to reconnect me with my grandson. I have not seen him since he was 3 and he is now 12. She never speaks to me when he is around or with her and it’s heartbreaking to me. I am afraid to say anything to her about it as I am afraid this would offend her and she would estrange again. I want to ask or say something but afraid to do so and waiting and hoping that she will bring it up one day.
Reconciliation is a step in the right direction but not everything gets healed. So sad because my own mother’s estrangement from her family affected me so deeply as a child and now my own daughter is doing the same thing!
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Ouch😂
We left our Grandchildrens communion lunch because we were being spoken to rudly by the spouse and spouses family. In order to remain respectful we left. So my Son doesn't speak to us and won't let us see our Grandchildren.
The spouse has never liked us even before they got married so she limited our time with them to begin with. We practically have no relationship with them to begin with. I feel this was always the goal so now they got what they wanted.
I’m sorry this happened to you . This is not unusual. It’s very sad.
I cut off my dad because he decided to divorce my mum, destroy our family and get remarried to a childless woman who now thinks shes a grandmother by default. They spend all their time at dinners and parties and never see the kids outside of social media and when they do, they just take photos of them to show off to their friends to make it like they are actualy involved. My children deserve better snd hes said that he deserves happiness. Well my children deserve grandparents more than you deserve your selfish happiness. Hope she cuddles you tight and it was all worth it.
Funny how generation divorce break up families yet double down on how important family actually is. Boomers should aim to be the grandparents their parents were....our kids wont miss you so enjoy those cruises
Nasty....just plain venom. I will pray for you.
The culture is encouraging to weaponize seeing babies on the bases of germs/vaccinations. It is heartbreaking.
I’ve been cut off from my daughter and my grandkids for 11 years now and it’s still still hard for me specially, during the holidays. And now I’m cut off from my granddaughter because my daughter-in-law doesn’t like me anymore and that kills me.. my son is angry with me and my daughter-in-law hates me and so I buy my granddaughter gifts and stuff for Christmas and her birthday and it’s all in the garage put it in a box. He promised me that he wouldn’t keep her from me, but he doesn’t FaceTime me. He doesn’t call me. I just wanna make it right
Third parties are the greatest reason for adult children to cut off their parents from seeing their grandchildren. There are grandparents who were not the greatest parents but can be loving grandparents. Everyone makes big and small mistakes/bad choices, but they can reform their lives, especially as they get older and wiser. Family estrangement is an epidemic in the millions across all western nations. This is a phenomenon that is very damaging for societies now and in the future and points to a generational problem. I hope people think about that when deciding to cut off their relatives. One of the things influencing estrangement is this psycho-babble that so many have picked up from the internet without really knowing the true meaning of words like narcissist, enmeshed, triangulation, etc. People are diagnosing each other with these words and then dismissing them. It's popular now to just cancel people who we don't agree with. Even some in the mental health field are diagnosing family members without ever meeting them. That's a way of making another person inhuman, and the human condition is more challenging now than ever. Everyone deserves a level of respect, and no one has a right to destroy another person's identity by labeling them and then trashing them. Someone below mentioned grandparents having rights. Well, I would ask, do grandchildren have a right to know their grandparents? I think they do because grandparents are a great asset in a child's life and help for the parents. Grandparents can often be mediators. Every child will eventually know from school and their friends that they should have extended family, and if their parents haven't allowed contact with them, their child will feel deprived. Family Estrangement is generational and children learn by example. I would hope that estranged adult children would consider what example they are setting for their children. Yes, every generation says they will do things differently from their parents, but every generation has to face similar struggles. I hope young parents consider what kind of legacy they want to leave their children.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. One thing I hear from adult children is that grandparents do not have a right to see the grandchildren. There is so much animosity and conflict. Do you think there are cases when the adult child is making the choice to cut off because the history with the parent is so tense and difficult, they want to protect their children? I hear this a lot. On the other side is how sad it is when grandchildren lose out on the many benefits of grandparents. I think there are many estrangements that can be worked out in time and with help if both parties are willing. What do you think?
Agree .need help in Dallas
Wrong Video
I don't know my grandchildren my sons estrangement alienated narcissistic behavior 😢
I am alienated of my niece
I am sorry to hear this.
Formulaic ‘university’ educated future ccp minions and their oh so precious ones. Innocent gc will proceed to state think
Sometimes it’s just the wife doesn’t want you to be a part of them it’s mean and so wrong
Yes that’s definitely a contributing factor usually with other factors
Its not "adult child" lady!
Its parent of your grandchild
Hi Rugghead: I hear you., The term "adult child" is widely used to refer to a parent's grown offspring. I suppose individuals can also use the parent of a grandchild. Thanks for your take on this.
Grandparents should help provide and take responsibility for their grandchildren. A good Grandparent will even leave an inheritance to their grandchildren. You don't stop being a parent just because your kids are over the age of 18.
And some don't ever START being parents no matter how many kids they've had.
@@bobinch4835 most do, and that’s how the grandparent grandchild bond is formed. Once they have a bond, and the adult child gets angry, they often use the grandchild as a weapon by not letting the grandparent see the child anymore. It’s cruel to the child and to the grandparent. It’s emotional abuse.
Many grandparents who have the means do leave their grandchildren and children an inheritance, but what if a grandparent isn’t wealthy, but gave their time while alive? I’m not sure why you bring “inheritances” up?
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Tell me something I didn't already know! My daughter is impossible to get ahold of on the phone or anything.