I am a pathological over-apologizer and chronic people-pleaser. I apologize for things that I didn't even do. Sometimes I apologize to people who owe me the apology as an attempt to resolve a conflict. I am working on this, because it is not healthy for me.
How are you guys so good at explaining your feelings and scenarios without oversharing?🤯 I'm impressed! 😅 cause I know my bs would be all over the internet if I was in that panel🤣
That’s one of the reasons why I keep it vague as possible. 😂 I also remind myself that keeping the details out(hopefully) helps other people find it more relatable to something that they might be going through too.
this channel is truly an incredible resource, so many insightful and vulnerable things shared by all the guests. thank you for your work! just recommended it to a friend
Oh my god I feel that whole, “my amends is not saying what I want because I don’t want that on my conscience” thing and the whole justified rage at them not understanding what they did or my pain thing so “it’s not fair”. It’s hard for like anyone to get past sometimes, the human condition is frustration 😅. I know in those moments I’m not seeing straight but knowing better and doing better are definitely different levels. There’s a lot of explaining and repair in my relationship. I also stew so I get with that, ‘should I say what I think now or will I change my mind later,’ etc., that all is a lot better when you’re with people who know you. I know there’s not a really good reason to be mean even if someone comes at me, but it’s aspirational for most of us. That dread is rough though, the waiting for the other shoe that was never gonna drop.
So Jack explains how he refuses to apologize to people he's hurt because he's projecting his childhood wounds onto the current situation. He doesn't acknowledge that this is unhealthy and immature, nor does he acknowledge how this unwillingness to apologize negatively affects others. Then Melanie, who I believe is trained as a psychotherapist, follows up with how beautiful that sentiment is. As a non I have a VERY different reaction to someone saying they're too stuck in their childhood wounds to apologize to someone who deserves an apology. To my mind this is a problem that needs correcting, not just insight. This just seems like normalizing non-accountability.
To be fair, it sounds like she's referencing the awareness as beautiful? Not the "I'm not going to apologize" part of Jack's statement. It sounds like she's sympathizing with that feeling, rather than suggesting that such is an appropriate response (which they all seem to be aware: it is not).
Why should someone apologize for having been traumatized and it being blamed. A combat soldier has ptsd. The psychiatry people have all these diagnostic crap getting them lots of money for getting the victim to second guess everything they think , do , or say to get over it such as “ black and white thinking “ as some “ symptom “. Talking in psychobsbble might get them the “ strokes “ they crave as comfort from their “ therapist “ but in the long term …. All this does is stroke the therapist who then strokes the ptsd victims and the apologies are delaying the consolidation of the fragmented identity. It’s like in that song Come as You Are as ( the therapist ) wants you to be. You do gain an identity. As an idol worshpper of the therapist. Read the book of Job in the Bible. He’s blamed by all of them for the trauma. This is as old as the Bible. Sick.
Your comment shows the lack of awareness (to anosognosia levels) and labeling, internet in BPD. Yes, you could indeed be traumatized…AND you could’ve developed black/white thinking as a result, which now perpetuates, and repeats the patterns of early on. Your dichotomous thinking makes you unable to see the nuances, complexities, paradoxes and hold it all without spiraling into dysregulation…which causes you to use emotional reasoning. Also, therapists (most of them) do not want your worship. Lord no. That’s you projecting your own warped reality. From a neuroscience perspective, there is a lot going on in the brain (the wiring) they affect how you think, process, perceive, and unfortunately…you don’t have the parts wired that are required to see yourself, an expansive reality, clearly. To do that, you have to do intensive reprogramming, using the principles of neuroplasticity. For now, you’re using those principles for suffering for yourself. Not tall thoughts are true…especially those absent of emotional sobriety.
Apologice are useless if you still treating the person like sh*** and can't take responsability for future behavior - someone With bdp cant control themself - than why should someone stay in such friend or realationship - to be hurt all the time by they trauma ...its masochistic and traumatic for others to be hurt all the time - so if you cant change your behaivor people will leave and this will cause fear of abandonment - so people with bdp are in a very toxic cicle - thats why people are afraid of people with bpd - because nobody wants to be treated like a doormat all the time - in this conversation its only about me me me - there is a Lack of empathy With the people you hurt in the past and it seems that people with bpt are not aware about the impact to others - which can be really traumatic..even your selfhate is Just about you - very selfcentered...and not helpful to the people you hurt deeply - apologise is not to gain something its about taking responsability of the impact of words and actions and if you feel really sorry to hurt someone you love - if you Hurt people to an extend we're they can't move on its your bad behavior who pushes people away - and With your Trauma and without Help people will leave to protect themself...and even of you gaslight or Twist words - healthy people will.leave - Kids will be broken forever because of you.- and maybe become also Bpd victims..its simple as that... The only solution is a lifetime therapy
Its interessting also the Lack of empathy i See in this explanations - that people should get over your bad behavior and If Not you are angry at them, and you will leave them because of your shame and selfhate and because they should forget everything and they need to prepare next time when you splitting in them for simple Things which triggerd your trauma- this way of thinking alone its so pathological ..and a good explanation why people with bpds are Not able to have healthy relationships
You’re absolutely right - much of the reasoning doesn’t make sense. No one is claiming that BPD is rational! In the first half of every episode, we unpack some of the issues we’ve had with different aspects of BPD so that the audience understands where we started and what the problems were. Much of this includes identifying problematic behavior and, oftentimes, the irrational or problematic beliefs we once held that we allowed to shape our behavior. In the second half, we discuss the solutions we’ve found to avoid continuing those problematic behaviors, and have healthy relationships with others. You’re right that apologies without change are not worth much! And that’s some thing that we have all worked hard on. Our channel exists to help others with BPD change their behavior as well. ❤️🩹
@@thebpdbunch thank you for your answer - i just had the impression in this conversation that borderline people are not aware of the trauma they behavior cause in other person, and that others had to accept their apology - and if not the borderline person has an excuse to still abuse the other person but in another way - for a healthy person its seems they will always be hurt by the bpd person and there is always an exuse for that to happen - healthy people also have their fights but there is a boundary also in fighting - bpd persons say all the things that you struggle about just to defend some small issues - its like they destroy your soul in one moment - which cant be repaired sometimes - and then they gaslight all their behavior as nothing happend - its just emotional abuse - and people will maybe forgive that - but if this happens a lot - in the long run people will be feel horrible and will leave as a self protection - the sad thing is that kids with a parent like that - cant leave they will be hurt the same way like the bpd person is hurt - and could themself become bpd because of constant trauma - its hard to say that - but the only way is to be aware of that and to seek help - my expartner is borderliner and we have two children, he uses the kids because of fear of abandonment and he manipulates them by lying to them that I am a bad mother and covering up their bad behavior , - they want the kids to be dependent on him (financial and emotional so they never leave) but he still is not in control of what he says and does - its hard to protect the children - and receiving all the hate which has nothing to do with me - i have the impression you can never win or have a normal conversation - he spilts, manipulates and twist words and hates you for the smallest things just to cover up their on behavior - i dont know how to protect the kids -but there will be traumatised if he will not work on this --- its important for bpd people to know what impact they have on others so they can be a better person - if not their destroy your soul and everything you are - the only option if all the nonsense fights dont stop- (because bpds also fights to seek attention, to not feel empty and so on).. is to leave the person to protect your soul and emotional wellbeing
I have BPD and we are very aware of the trauma we have caused people. I carry a lot of guilt, shame and I ruminate over things that I should of let go long ago. In David Burns, “Feeling Good” he recommends putting a time limit on how long you feel guilty about something. I have struggled with letting go of the mistakes from the past but sometimes people will not forgive you no matter how many times you apologize. Best to accept their answer even if it’s hard to take.
I am a pathological over-apologizer and chronic people-pleaser. I apologize for things that I didn't even do. Sometimes I apologize to people who owe me the apology as an attempt to resolve a conflict. I am working on this, because it is not healthy for me.
Awareness is key! God Bless you all.
Thank you!!
How are you guys so good at explaining your feelings and scenarios without oversharing?🤯 I'm impressed! 😅 cause I know my bs would be all over the internet if I was in that panel🤣
It definitely takes practice! And editing. Editing helps 😂
That’s one of the reasons why I keep it vague as possible. 😂 I also remind myself that keeping the details out(hopefully) helps other people find it more relatable to something that they might be going through too.
this channel is truly an incredible resource, so many insightful and vulnerable things shared by all the guests. thank you for your work! just recommended it to a friend
Thank you so much for your support!!
Oh my god I feel that whole, “my amends is not saying what I want because I don’t want that on my conscience” thing and the whole justified rage at them not understanding what they did or my pain thing so “it’s not fair”. It’s hard for like anyone to get past sometimes, the human condition is frustration 😅. I know in those moments I’m not seeing straight but knowing better and doing better are definitely different levels. There’s a lot of explaining and repair in my relationship. I also stew so I get with that, ‘should I say what I think now or will I change my mind later,’ etc., that all is a lot better when you’re with people who know you. I know there’s not a really good reason to be mean even if someone comes at me, but it’s aspirational for most of us. That dread is rough though, the waiting for the other shoe that was never gonna drop.
My ex wife had bpd. Is sucks we couldn't work it out. Oh well. Thank for sharing this. Get well you guys!
So Jack explains how he refuses to apologize to people he's hurt because he's projecting his childhood wounds onto the current situation. He doesn't acknowledge that this is unhealthy and immature, nor does he acknowledge how this unwillingness to apologize negatively affects others. Then Melanie, who I believe is trained as a psychotherapist, follows up with how beautiful that sentiment is. As a non I have a VERY different reaction to someone saying they're too stuck in their childhood wounds to apologize to someone who deserves an apology. To my mind this is a problem that needs correcting, not just insight. This just seems like normalizing non-accountability.
To be fair, it sounds like she's referencing the awareness as beautiful? Not the "I'm not going to apologize" part of Jack's statement. It sounds like she's sympathizing with that feeling, rather than suggesting that such is an appropriate response (which they all seem to be aware: it is not).
Am hypersensitive to criticism. Once my mood is off, it stays that way for a long time. I tend to over apologize...
Why should someone apologize for having been traumatized and it being blamed. A combat soldier has ptsd. The psychiatry people have all these diagnostic crap getting them lots of money for getting the victim to second guess everything they think , do , or say to get over it such as “ black and white thinking “ as some “ symptom “. Talking in psychobsbble might get them the “ strokes “ they crave as comfort from their “ therapist “ but in the long term …. All this does is stroke the therapist who then strokes the ptsd victims and the apologies are delaying the consolidation of the fragmented identity. It’s like in that song Come as You Are as ( the therapist ) wants you to be. You do gain an identity. As an idol worshpper of the therapist. Read the book of Job in the Bible. He’s blamed by all of them for the trauma. This is as old as the Bible. Sick.
Your comment shows the lack of awareness (to anosognosia levels) and labeling, internet in BPD.
Yes, you could indeed be traumatized…AND you could’ve developed black/white thinking as a result, which now perpetuates, and repeats the patterns of early on.
Your dichotomous thinking makes you unable to see the nuances, complexities, paradoxes and hold it all without spiraling into dysregulation…which causes you to use emotional reasoning.
Also, therapists (most of them) do not want your worship. Lord no. That’s you projecting your own warped reality.
From a neuroscience perspective, there is a lot going on in the brain (the wiring) they affect how you think, process, perceive, and unfortunately…you don’t have the parts wired that are required to see yourself, an expansive reality, clearly. To do that, you have to do intensive reprogramming, using the principles of neuroplasticity.
For now, you’re using those principles for suffering for yourself. Not tall thoughts are true…especially those absent of emotional sobriety.
Apologice are useless if you still treating the person like sh*** and can't take responsability for future behavior - someone With bdp cant control themself - than why should someone stay in such friend or realationship - to be hurt all the time by they trauma ...its masochistic and traumatic for others to be hurt all the time - so if you cant change your behaivor people will leave and this will cause fear of abandonment - so people with bdp are in a very toxic cicle - thats why people are afraid of people with bpd - because nobody wants to be treated like a doormat all the time - in this conversation its only about me me me - there is a Lack of empathy With the people you hurt in the past and it seems that people with bpt are not aware about the impact to others - which can be really traumatic..even your selfhate is Just about you - very selfcentered...and not helpful to the people you hurt deeply - apologise is not to gain something its about taking responsability of the impact of words and actions and if you feel really sorry to hurt someone you love - if you Hurt people to an extend we're they can't move on its your bad behavior who pushes people away - and With your Trauma and without Help people will leave to protect themself...and even of you gaslight or Twist words - healthy people will.leave - Kids will be broken forever because of you.- and maybe become also Bpd victims..its simple as that... The only solution is a lifetime therapy
Its interessting also the Lack of empathy i See in this explanations - that people should get over your bad behavior and If Not you are angry at them, and you will leave them because of your shame and selfhate and because they should forget everything and they need to prepare next time when you splitting in them for simple Things which triggerd your trauma- this way of thinking alone its so pathological ..and a good explanation why people with bpds are Not able to have healthy relationships
You’re absolutely right - much of the reasoning doesn’t make sense. No one is claiming that BPD is rational!
In the first half of every episode, we unpack some of the issues we’ve had with different aspects of BPD so that the audience understands where we started and what the problems were. Much of this includes identifying problematic behavior and, oftentimes, the irrational or problematic beliefs we once held that we allowed to shape our behavior.
In the second half, we discuss the solutions we’ve found to avoid continuing those problematic behaviors, and have healthy relationships with others.
You’re right that apologies without change are not worth much! And that’s some thing that we have all worked hard on. Our channel exists to help others with BPD change their behavior as well. ❤️🩹
@@thebpdbunch thank you for your answer - i just had the impression in this conversation that borderline people are not aware of the trauma they behavior cause in other person, and that others had to accept their apology - and if not the borderline person has an excuse to still abuse the other person but in another way - for a healthy person its seems they will always be hurt by the bpd person and there is always an exuse for that to happen - healthy people also have their fights but there is a boundary also in fighting - bpd persons say all the things that you struggle about just to defend some small issues - its like they destroy your soul in one moment - which cant be repaired sometimes - and then they gaslight all their behavior as nothing happend - its just emotional abuse - and people will maybe forgive that - but if this happens a lot - in the long run people will be feel horrible and will leave as a self protection - the sad thing is that kids with a parent like that - cant leave they will be hurt the same way like the bpd person is hurt - and could themself become bpd because of constant trauma - its hard to say that - but the only way is to be aware of that and to seek help - my expartner is borderliner and we have two children, he uses the kids because of fear of abandonment and he manipulates them by lying to them that I am a bad mother and covering up their bad behavior , - they want the kids to be dependent on him (financial and emotional so they never leave) but he still is not in control of what he says and does - its hard to protect the children - and receiving all the hate which has nothing to do with me - i have the impression you can never win or have a normal conversation - he spilts, manipulates and twist words and hates you for the smallest things just to cover up their on behavior - i dont know how to protect the kids -but there will be traumatised if he will not work on this --- its important for bpd people to know what impact they have on others so they can be a better person - if not their destroy your soul and everything you are - the only option if all the nonsense fights dont stop- (because bpds also fights to seek attention, to not feel empty and so on).. is to leave the person to protect your soul and emotional wellbeing
I have BPD and we are very aware of the trauma we have caused people. I carry a lot of guilt, shame and I ruminate over things that I should of let go long ago. In David Burns, “Feeling Good” he recommends putting a time limit on how long you feel guilty about something. I have struggled with letting go of the mistakes from the past but sometimes people will not forgive you no matter how many times you apologize. Best to accept their answer even if it’s hard to take.
I just realized I solved my own problem. That’s what it is like when you accept accountability I guess.