Heal from narcissistic abuse by taking others' support for granted
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- Опубликовано: 13 сен 2024
- In today’s video I’m going to discuss how and why a narcissistic parent targets the scapegoat’s efforts to take others for granted in a healthy way. In response, the scapegoat child may develop a morality and corresponding feelings of shame centered on self-denial. For example, the “right” thing to do for the scapegoat child is to put themselves last and failure to do this can result in profound feelings of shame. Next I will explain how it’s the narcissistic parent who is actually the one taking the scapegoat child for granted without any reciprocation of the favor. Third, I’ll reframe what ‘taking for granted’ can mean for a scapegoat survivor from something exploitative to a sense of healthy entitlement. Last, I’ll point towards resources to move through and heal the shame you may feel when trying to take others for granted today.
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This video describes my life. I wondered why I care/cared more about parents/siblings getting what they want/demand at my expense.
Thank you again jay for enlightening videos. I can’t believe I am 60 and never figured any of this out about being a scapegoat but it all makes so much sense. Keep the videos coming!
I'm glad you're getting this chance for healing.
I learn’t at 60 too. Such a toxic mother, enabler father and messed up siblings/minions.
I am the scapegoat of a narcissistic mother. I used to think that it was "right" to always put the needs of others first, but now I realize that this is a result of narcissistic abuse. I still feel shame when I fulfill my own needs first, but I'm learning to recognize that shame and cut it out. For example, yesterday in the pouring rain I parked in a spot that a co-worker was hoarding with an orange pylon. Our spots are open to all at a first come basis, and there are never enough for all of us, so some have to find street parking. I moved the orange pylon out of the way and parked in the spot and just then my co-worker drove up expecting the spot she had reserved for herself. I felt intense shame about the situation and even apologized to my co-worker via email later. I still feel shame about it and am afraid that my co-worker hates me now. But, I also realize that the parking space is meant for all employees and it was fine that I took it. I believe it is part of my recovery to let people down and not put myself last all the time, but it is still outside of my comfort zone. The safe people in my life, my partner and friends, love me even when I assert my own needs and let them down sometimes, in fact they love me more when I am present and have healthy boundaries to my self-hood. This love is something I'm beginning to trust and recognize as normal. Funny thing is that my narcissistic mother uses an orange pylon to stop people from parking in front of her house. I guess I was triggered by my co-workers' similar action.
Also the person with the healthy upbringing, if someone doesn't meet their sense of entitlement, then they can fall back to their parents supporting that sense of entitlement to them. While the person with toxic parents, they have no such safety net to fall back to.
And a child or adolescent can't explain to others the precarious position they are in....
I agree with almost all of this except for the idea that if we give of ourselves (as the scapegoats), that we're SPARED anything from the narc; we're NOT. No matter how much we give, it's never enough. The reason why so many of the scapegoats end up really sick is because we give of ourselves to everyone else, we don't have anything left. We take care of EVERYONE ELSE to our own detriment.
NOW we learn to take care of US! 😁
This is simultaneously so increadibly helpful and immensely painful to watch. The rage this stirs up is extraordinary
Also, I LOVE the mirror behind you, Jay, showing the rain shadow from the window in front of you 😊
@D its very cool. Soothing and all 😊
hearing this is like hearing the inside of my own head, taken out, categorized, and presented to me as a research paper. thank you for this. it's so good to have it broken down like this.
This. I want to find a song or piece of art that expresses it as well.
I am concentrating on doing, saying, thinking what is in my best interest and listening to others to see if they care about my best interest.
Basically my parents f*ck Ed me up. I have very low standards for what I need I relationships.
This makes me a narc magnet.
I understand what you're saying completely. My therapist said that's because I was never allowed to have healthy boundaries. You may want to learn about doing the same.
You CAN do it! Look UP & God bless you!
My life 😭
You comply so that it gets better, but every time you comply they move the target and ramp up the abuse.
Thanks for this video. It literally coincided with my somatic experiencing therapy in which I had to sit on a wobbly ball, and lean over onto my therapist, and had to force myself to bear down all my weight onto her. It was very very difficult to allow myself to be physically supported by her. And it made me dissociate and cry and laugh uncontrollably. I realized I had a deep rooted fear in receiving support from another human. A fear that I was bad for doing that. It’s basically the same thing as taking her for granted. Taking for granted that she would not move out from underneath my weight and then have me fall off the wobbly ball.
It was very profound and I’m so blessed that todays video further delved into this mal-development of mine. Jay said we need experiences with taking others who matter for granted in healthy and reciprocal ways. I’m 54 and I’ve never ever done that. I’ve never ever allowed myself to receive support from anyone. Not even myself. Jay said (actually the way I related to what he said - NOT HIS VERBATIM but my applying it to me) that by self deprivation of support we are then safe from being attacked and shamed. I was constantly attacked by my mother as a little child. I was physically abused and very traumatized and she suffered from paranoia and she was sadistic. I was her scapegoat and target for her “bad” projecting and my close in age sister was her golden child. My dad tried to lighten the mood and joked a lot and did what he could back in the 70s and 80s with 6 children. But I remember when I was a teenager, doing my hygiene in a small home with 4 teenage girls and one bathroom and doing my hair taking turns for the curling iron and makeup, taking turns for the mirror. Being the bad girl (scapegoat) I was always last time get my turn so I would be late for everything. I would miss meals and my family would sometimes wait for me in the car since the important ones and the rest of them were all ready to go.
My dad told me once that I was selfish for being late. He told me that being late was a selfish act - taking others for granted.
F him! What an ass hole! F you dad! You used me! You sure as f never protected me from hitler (apologies to anyone who suffered the Holocaust but we was a monstrous cruel sadistic twin of him. I’m trying not to offend anyone by using that word but I can’t help it. She has always been hitler to me. Ever since I learned about the Holocaust as a 7 yr old I thought of her as “a hitler”. Again I’m sorry. Please support me and let me take this one for granted - I need the experience)
It’s important to share these experiences and have them validated as real. What horrible treatment you received! I’m glad you’re getting the experience of being supported by your therapist. I’ve benefited from learning of your experience. Keep sharing. We see you.
@@saturdayschild8535 thanks so much. I needed to know that. Thanks for seeing me 🥰
The day I have got married, I was the last one to use the bathroom because all my sister had to be "perfect" for the occasion".
Yes, I understand your point.
@@Lyrielonwind oh my gosh. You sure do. I am so so sorry. Hugs. I hope so hard that you have discarded those assholes! I’m so sorry.
I had a similar experience for my highschool graduation.
It was my biggest day in my life. My only “worthy” accomplishment. My older sister threw a scissors at me and screamed at me for “hogging” the blowdryer. And Then hitl.. (you know who I mean) came running to her rescue to threaten me that I better shape up if I wanted to be permitted to continue living under their roof. She basically cast me out of the home right then. When I got married my parents and 5 siblings all publicly shamed me for being pregnant. And I knew I had to spend my entire savings on paying for a lavish fancy wedding to make them appear “less disgraced” by my premarital pregnancy. Such ass holes.
Hi! You are not alone! I'm 60 and the oldest child in a family of narcissists. I CHOSE to be different from them all, but took a lot of mental & emotional beat-downs (with occasional physical beatings) as they tried to break me. I guess I'm stubborn because I refused to fall in line with both narcissistic parents great expectations, LOL! My bipolar mother told me that I was selfish, which was a foreign concept because I was NEVER allowed to have what I wanted. I learned to do without the bathroom from an early age, in grade school the stall locks were broken, so I'd hold it all day until I got home. I was never taught how to do hair and make-up, so I was quite older when I finally learned. I'd pick off times, super early or later in the day to use the mirror in the bathroom, or get by with my compact. I was first in the car, because I learned to not care about my appearance beyond basic hygiene.
So I understand that nothing we do is ever acceptable to a narcissist. First or last in the car, as a scapegoat you get criticized.
Just know that you are beautiful the way you are! God bless you and have a great weekend!
Thank you for this, Jay. I have come to realise how shame is probably one of the most destructive and painful emotions for me. When I stand up for myself or expect to be treated with respect and some appreciation or kindness, I feel this tremendous amount of shame. Then I feel wrong, defective and so ashamed. I think I am beginning to understand what happens to me in these situations. I am learning however that I can take some people's care, support and love for granted. Such a contrast. Bless you for shining the light on us as scapegoat survivors and helping us heal.
Jay Reid explains here in a POINT OF FACT manner...my actual experience of my biological father explicitly. Its classic and straight forward. Its EXACTLY as my relationship was....and how my father related to me. As if he literally fed from me for his own energy out of his feelings of worthlessness...and I had to carry his frailty around how he felt about himself. Its confronting to hear being spoken about. Thankyou Jay for your online work!
Oof. This one hits home in a major way. Our mother created specific rules to ensure that our needs were not met. I wrote an essay about this topic and am willing to share it, but trigger warning; do not click the post below if you are sensitive to child abuse and neglect. I may have to break it into two parts.
*This one describes some of mom's mental abuse; proceed with caution*
Our mother fancied herself as a child psychologist, despite having no education in this field. She developed strange beliefs regarding how children should be ‘trained’, and we kids were routinely subjected to bizarre forms of psychological trickery devised to manipulate or punish us.
Many of mom’s mental games and weird rules seemed to be purposely designed to escalate my abuse, leave me without recourse, and protect my abusers from repercussions.
One of the ways mom trained us was to never ‘reward’ crying… or at least when it came to me.
Whether or not I was crying for a legitimate reason did not matter; mom claimed that giving me any validation would just ‘teach me to cry to get my way’.
This rule enabled my brothers to abuse me with complete impunity.
They would simply escalate their abuse until they drove me to tears, knowing that once I cried, my fate was sealed; no matter what they had done, I would be the one blamed.
Steven took particular and perverse pleasure in the act of pushing me to my breaking point. He would f#ck with my head by pretending to encourage me not to cry;
“Oh no, Sandra! Are you gonna CRY!? Don’t DO it! C’mon, it’s not too late; you can still suck it up if you TRY!”
This so-called ‘encouragement’ only made me cry faster, and once I had succumbed, my brother would then pretend to console me,
“Aw, is that all you got? Too bad, Sandra. You didn’t try hard enough. Better luck next time.”
Being trapped in this no-win cycle absolutely ENRAGED me; and the more frustrated and upset I got, the more gleeful my brother would become.
Steven learned the art of mental manipulation from our mother; if mom ever initiated an interaction with us, we could be sure she had a hidden agenda, or was setting us up for some type of ‘gotcha’ that could be used against us later. Being a stay-at-home mom offered our mother the time and freedom to devise these mental traps which were often elaborate and strategically planned.
Our mother never worked at a job and spent most of her time in bed, yet she still found this level of dereliction to be inadequate; she resented the way we kids would interrupt her non-activity with appeals for facilitation, food, or protection.
Our mother wanted to completely free herself from the burden of hearing our requests, since she was only going to deny them anyway. So, to better streamline her neglect, mom implemented a new rule…
…we kids were now forbidden to ASK our mother for anything; whether it be a signature, medical care, school supplies, it didn’t matter; we were simply not allowed to approach her at all.
When our mother declared this new rule, she told us she was no longer going to even ‘listen to our demands’ because doing so would only ‘teach us to ask for stuff’; as though acknowledging a child’s request for a Band-aid was the equivalent of negotiating with terrorists.
Not only were we forbidden to ask our mother for the things we needed, we were also denied alternative access to these guarded resources. We kids were expected to just ignore our needs, and mom seemed to resent us for even having them:
Let's say we asked our mother to feed us; our mother didn’t see us as hungry children who simply wanted food; instead, she saw us as greedy, vindictive kids who were ‘being hungry on purpose’ just to piss her off. In mom's mind, any good child would recognize that her desire to be undisturbed was more important than their own selfish need for food.
Our mother twisted every situation so it was all about her; even our attempts to kill ourselves were taken as a personal affront; when mom discovered 8 year-old me hiding in my closet, eating cleanser, her only thoughts were for herself.
If, by some miracle, our mom relented to perform even the smallest parental duty, her resentment was EPIC, and she would make us feel guilty for it.
I swear, if our mom had devoted a fraction of the effort that she put into blaming and shaming us into our ACTUAL CARE, we might have turned out okay.
As our mother’s favorite, my sister could best get away with questioning mom’s new rule. When Sharon asked how we were supposed obtain the things we needed if we were not allowed to ask for them, our mother told us that we just had to wait for her to OFFER them to us.
This was met with stunned silence.
We kids were already so neglected… and now we were supposed to just wait, and HOPE our mom would suddenly notice all the ways that we were lacking?
We kids could literally DIE while waiting for mom’s help. This may sound like hyperbole, but it’s not.
Even before we were officially forbidden to seek our mother’s help, we had already learned that we couldn’t trust mom to intervene on our behalf, no matter how dire the circumstances.
Mom has turned a blind eye to our suffering for as long as I can remember; whenever we were being brutally beaten and were screaming for help, our mother would just stay in bed and pretend not to hear us.
And when my sister needed her nose cauterized, our mother was fully aware of the fact that Sharon had been bleeding profusely, for hours at a time, day after day. But instead of taking her to the hospital, mom sent Sharon outside to bleed in the backyard and made her feel guilty about how many paper towels she was using. Mom didn’t seem to care how much blood Sharon lost, so long as she didn’t have to deal with the mess or witness her suffering.
In the end, our neighbor, Gigi (who worked as a nurse) noticed that Sharon was hemorrhaging and brought her to the ER.
Instead of being grateful to Gigi for saving Sharon, our mom was furious, and forbid us to ever talk to Gigi again.
This new rule trapped us in another no-win situation with our mother; we were forbidden to approach our mother with our problems, so we didn’t. But whenever one of these unaddressed problems ‘came back to bite her’, we would suddenly find ourselves in trouble for NOT coming to her; she would scream, “What, am I expected to be a mind-reader??” and accuse us of purposely setting her up to be blindsided with the exact kind of situation she had forbidden us to approach her with in the first place.
Unfortunately, this new rule had even more far-reaching effects when it was applied to me:
One day, I was outside playing and our neighbor gave their kids popsicles and they were kind enough to offer one to me.
For the neighbor’s kids, getting a popsicle was no big deal, but for me, that popsicle would have been the highlight of my summer. I remember sitting on the curb with my popsicle, feeling like I was the luckiest kid ever…
…until mom called me in from the kitchen window.
She accused me of ASKING our neighbor for the popsicle. I tried to tell mom that I had been OFFERED the popsicle, but she didn’t believe me. She snatched the popsicle out of my hands and threw it in the trash.
Then she slapped my face and called me a ‘beggar’. She said that because I was a liar, she was creating a special new rule… I was forbidden to accept anything from anyone whether they had offered it to me or not.
This rule didn’t apply to the other kids, just me. If someone offered my siblings and I snacks, I would have to say, ‘I’m not allowed’ and everyone would tease me with their treats. But if I accepted the snack, my siblings would tell on me and I would be punished.
Even at school, if someone had a birthday and brought cupcakes for the class, I would have to say, “I’m not allowed,” and try not to cry while I watched the other kids enjoy their treats.
My mother simultaneously strove to maintain absolute control over my ‘care’ while resenting the responsibility of providing it. She gave me no alternative but to rely on her…
…and then punished me for needing her.
After ensuring that she was the sole source of my means, my mother would then place unnecessary obstacles between me and these resources, and my survival hinged on figuring out how to overcome these barriers.
In the movie, ‘War Games’, a nuclear war is narrowly averted when a supercomputer realizes it is trapped in a no-win situation and declares, “Strange game; the only winning move is not to play”.
Like the computer, I realized I was trapped, yet I had no choice but to play mom’s games because she had all the power and I had none.
Again, my sister’s autism was the superpower that saved her from this fate; Sharon’s thinking was very black and white; she simply didn’t understand the subtleties and nuances of our mother’s mental games. Sharon’s inability to ‘think deceptively’ forced mom to have actual, honest interactions with my sister, lest she have to confront her own deceptiveness.
Being older, Sharon wasn’t as dependent on our mother as I was; if anything, mom was dependent on HER. My sister was performing the lion’s share of our mother’s parental duties, so mom couldn’t upset Sharon without risking this freedom.
When interacting with mom, it wasn’t enough to listen to what she SAID, my salvation depended on my ability to figure out what she MEANT. My attempts to interpret the true meaning behind my mother’s words was anxiety-inducing, exhausting and quite often, futile.
*****
“Head games, that’s all I get from you, head games, and I can’t take it anymore”
-Foreigner, ‘Head Games'
@@quarteracreadventures855 It's hard to know what to say after reading your account, but I'm so glad that you are a survivor!!!
In relating to your life, it does seem like narcissistic parents "experiment" on their children with mind games, treating one like they're bad, while treating the other one like they're perfect. They pit the kids against each other like it's dogfighting and must draw some sort of thrill out of their power to do so.
Ultimately, what they have done is the product of a twisted, sick mind, and regardless of where it came from, it's our opportunity to try and rise above it. We can be overcomers, or we can be like our abusers. I applaud your courage in speaking out, your empathy in seeing your sister's needs, and your strength in seeking others like myself who can relate to your pain and find the healing you deserve. God bless you and may you have a fantastic new year in 2023!
@@quarteracreadventures855 my god. I want to murder your mom. Thank you for sharing this. Please post it far and wide. Expose her to all the neighbors church ladies school teachers - expose her to everyone. Please!
How are you doing? How long have you been recovering from this attack on your life ? My mom was similar to yours. Us 6 kids were were a lot like you 4. (Me being the scapegoat). My mom had paranoid personality disorder. And she was very very sadistic and racist and sexist and all that. I learned about the Holocaust when I was seven and instantly related hitler to my mom. But I would have to say yours took it to a level of even higher sadism. I believe the most depraved feeling is jealousy and I believe your mom was jealous of your kindness that you received from the neighbors. They are jealous of popularity. I think. I think in her mind you were more popular than she with the neighbors. Your mom should have been locked up. And I swear I’m so enraged at what she did to you.
I hope I will see more of your h journey and I hope and pray it is a now comforting journey of saving your live. I am on Facebook if you would like to be friends.
@@qrisstrongmountain780 Thank you so much for reading my essay and for your kind response. Writing about my experiences has been helping me heal from my childhood trauma. I am trying to become more comfortable sharing my essays, so your feedback is more helpful than you know. My therapist wants me to consider publishing my work, but I'm scared and am not sure if I'm ready to be THAT vulnerable. For now, I am practicing sharing individual essays like I did here, and I have about 100 of them compiled on private FB page and a Blogger blog. Before I can pursue publishing, I have some barriers to overcome; besides the obvious vulnerability, the subject matter is incredibly sensitive; growing up, my older brother sexually abused me for years. This same brother was found rotting in his apartment with a knife in his head on Mother's Day, 2019. Due to the gruesome nature, the cops initially deemed it a homicide, and my father and a different brother were the prime suspects in a monthlong murder investigation, but his death was ultimately deemed a suicide. On top of all this, I am also very insecure about my writing/English skills because I only have a 7th grade education. Thanks again for reading and for your supportive words.
@@joellenklemek138 Thank you for reading my essay. Oh my. I'm so sorry you had to endure all that! The fact that you can relate to me makes me sad that you suffered abuse, but also makes me glad to have someone who UNDERSTANDS what it is like to be raised this way. I'm the youngest of 5; where did you fall among the six? There are only 4 of us now because my oldest brother committed suicide in 2019.
Totally forgot about Friday video...this is EXACTLY what has been dragging me down for the last few days...
I REALLY needed this today..thank you once again.
This video, like all of your videos, has been helpful and very thought provoking. I am realizing that the pain of processing this abuse is rooted in shame. I am ashamed of that shame. The shame of shame feels insurmountable.
can you please make videos on narc relationships in a peer group. please also tell me how to get my reputation back, or how to find support in the same.........thanks
It's something I have said I would studied but never did (now is pointless since I am in social exclusion) but it might help you; look for groups dynamic. I wanted to get more conscious about it since I was a teacher but then, I have got mobbed by my co-workers and since then, I lost all interest about it.
trust .... our trust in others and ourselves was shattered. we were a ship on high seas with no rudder tossed to and fro...I finally clung to Jesus, bot religion.
Jay is spot on.
Thank you for This extremely helpful and insightful video. It resonates with me on multiple levels. It is vital to challenge our reflex of putting ourselves last and undeserving healthy, stable relationships which we can take for granted. The nature of a healthy relationship, especially with a child who is learning and developing, is to take some relationships, especially those with the parents, for granted! We are to help, support and love each other in our relationships , aren’t we? The narcisistic parents train their kids to fear them, take care Of their dysfunctional emotions and other problems. They are entitled to treat their kids the same as they would adults, in their disturbed narcisistic manner. Narcisistic parents are an excruciatingly painful experience no child should be forced to face. Unfortunately too many are.
I dont have anyone focused on me. They want me miserable and take over my whole mind to supply themself. Its disturbing.
Im always thankful to hear you understand the heavy shame that comes over whenever i seek needing something from someone.
This is facinating and articulates what ive suspected my whole life. My father and mother more so my father try to ingrain this worthlessness before i realized my own personal power yhen bacame very rebellious and hyper loyal to family and freinds who countered my parents school of though and values. Thankyou for these incredible videos ive been moving twards a very fullfilling life because of yours and other therapists and coaches like yourself that have commited to helping people who have been dumped on by narsasistic people family freinds coworkers.
This hugely makes sense and resonates. Thank you for putting it into words so well. These are subtle concepts. We grapple with the symptoms but don't know what to call it because of the mind-bending conditioning. This dynamic can easily spread to our other relationships until we realize what's happening, why we're doing certain things out of that shame. Thank you.
I relate to this too. It’s hard for me to want nice things for myself. I feel undeserving, even though I do my work well.
A person I know has a sister that punishes, defends and upholds the values expected of a parent of theirs that is this very narcissitic trait mentioned in this video. Jay is extremely detailed in this work. Its quite something else hearing this being spoken about as a form of patterning....when real life experience affirms these behaviours.
Bless you Dr. Reid. Your talk today has resonated very strongly with me. No words to describe how deeply ❤❤❤
So immensely relevant right now ❤️
Knocking it out of the park as always Jay. Thank you
I have 3 years and a half healing from this type of childhood with anarc parent and my healing began when i got validated and believed by a safe enough person that then encouraged me some tools like selfcompassion and healthy boundaries and integrity to my inner child. This happened in the environment of a support group , and i was fortunate to find a safe enough person that really understood trauma, and recovery from trauma, it was a sfe enough person. IT was a process over time to start internalizing a more loving and selfcompassionate and gentle voice towards my self and start speaking up for myself more with healthy boundaries to protest disrespect and unfair treatment, this allowed my inner child and true self to come out more once i had my self-protective instinct online to defend myself from unfair treatment. The narcisistic parent wants a person to supress their instinctt to have boundaries and protest unfair treatment, but i understoodin the proces of healing its great for me to speak up for mysself when theres unfair treatment, and that created aan itnegrity and a reconnection to my true self whom is my inner child and im the loving parent t, who loves honors proteccts speaks up for advocates for the inner childs needs and finds safe enough people who can meet those needs. There are emotionally available people in the world that are safe enough and healthy boundaries actually show me who's safe enough, and those are the type of people i like going to to get my needs met, in a reciprocal fashion. And ive understood that my needs ofcourse are valid are reasonable and I can go and look for healthy connection with safe enough people but by having gentleness and healthy boundaries and integrity to my inner child and bein this healing process, i can definetly see who is emoitnally vaiallble and capeable of , there are still narcisistic people out there and ive understood they are not capeable of meeting my needs so i keep healthy boundaries and distance from them and try to choose and look for connection with safe enough other empaths with boundaries and in their healing journey or in general empathic people people whom are capeable of empathy those are my people i get my needs met with and i also choose to shine and express my truth unapologetically and with gentleness towards my self and integrity stay true to it . We keep healing were worth it. with gentlenes humor love and respect, selfsoothing and integrity towards ourselves and finding connection through our authentic self which i stay true to with selfcompassion and healthy boundaries............ thanks for the video we keep healing empaths with healthy boundaries!!!!!! were worth. itand can keep loving honoring protecting and staying true to our inner child and true self and get the safe enough connection..... we matter .. and i know that selfcompassion, and healthy boundaries integrity to my inner child and communication clarifying about things show me whom is emotionally available to be in relationships where theres safe enough connection and needs can get met i hope this experience of mine helps others there are good books on this like no more mr nice guy, or Not nice By aziz gazipurua, and. somany others. We keep healing we are worrth it with gentleness humor lvoe and respect and integrity to our beloved and deserving inner child!:)
All of these videos pretty much make me tear up, and, sometimes cry. But hooray! I'm actually allowing feelings push through !
I was just thinking about this!
Thank you Jay. You are helping me heal. God bless you. God bless your channel
"It's actually the narcissistic parent who is actually the one taking the scapegoat child for granted"
Ooooh
This is just so incredible to watch your videos Jay. Every one cuts right to my heart, and at 54 is causing me, with great relief and trepidation, reinterpret my entire life.
I’ve often felt this painful mix around entitlement. On the one hand I sympathize enormously with the marginalized classes or disadvantaged. Yet I’ve also felt an almost overwhelming guilt over something simple like being attractive or being a male… or white or what have you. Absolutely these advantages should be conscious and addressed to our ability and resources, but for someone like myself, pretty clearly deeply planted in the scapegoat complex, to contemplate injustices really has to be put on hold till more healing happens. I can’t trust my emotional reaction when I contemplate the various privileges and injustices I see all around me. It’s not an excuse to indulge in my luck, it’s acknowledging the time to address broader injustice requires me to find my own center first lest
I just take more blame for something that isn’t my fault. And attempts to discusses always been problematic for me. I feel can truly only be understood by fellow scapegoated individuals.
Oh yeah, in the most recent letter threatening to throw us out they said I was freeloading in the same sentence saying I was here to take care of my health!?! I have several chronic illnesses and an seeking disability with the help of a lawyer. You can NEVER win, and are intrinsically wrong and horrible.
I can relate. So sorry you are going through this but my family is the same.
Listening to you, I feel surprising freedom. Thank you.
Wow...this was so profound and very, very well explained!
I've never received anything from my parents not even when I almost lost my life in Asia in a hospital. I'm just now realising that I never expect people to be there for me and have troubles asking for help or needing things . I'm ashamed of having problems in the first place. As a result I'm often scared and lonely because I feel that if bad things were to happen to me, I'd be left to my own device.
My mom told me to shut up when I told her that I was on the brink of suicide. As an adult I dont ask help from others cause I dont think they would help me. I tend to lose boundaries with others cuz my mom taught me “empathy is everything”
Dear Jay, once again the video is fresh, on point, so valuable.
Jay, I would really like to see a video regarding how to break the training scapegoats receive to take care of others at the expense of ourselves. I have never been able to stop the compulsion to put everyone else first. I know I was trained from the time I was born, & that a child's personality is set by the age of 5, but my lack of self-preservation is killing me. For example, I have terrible allergies, yet I'll give away the only food I can eat to someone else...
I have lived most of my life not feeling I could take others for granted. At work, I knew there were people whose job it was to have my back but I never felt rest assured of it. Always prepared to be a punching bag that no one would stand up for.
I am getting better with feeling when I deserve something and receiving it. 😊👏👏👏❤️
So helpful as always! I was taught to put myself last always but now I am putting myself first and I've started addressing every area of my life that isn't working for me and where I don't feel 100% happy. It feels strange and I do get this shame when I put myself first and expect things from others but it's also a relief!! It's good to have my own back and be my own good parent :)
While living with my Narcissist MOM I was also attending college and working in the Plant Ecology Lab there. Parking at that particular college was just awful and I often got parking tickets which leads me to THIS, I got the BOOT and couldn't get anywhere. I needed SOMEONE to come and drive me to PAY to have the boot removed so I could get HOME and slave for my Mother on the farm. So I called my Mother and she DRAGGED HER ASS for as LONG AS SHE COULD before she came to help me! My Mother worked full time and had a farm with 14 horses and I DID all the work for the horses with occasional help from a "Golden" Sister! You would think she would want to come and help ME! At least come help me so I could go SLAVE on her FARM for her and the Golden SISTERS! She waited SO LONG that the garage that TOWED my TRUCK was not going to let me have it back until the morning and was going to tack another $60.00 on the CHARGE which would have cost me then over $300. I called the police BECAUSE I had contacted the garage BEFORE they towed it and said I was ON MY WAY to pay the FINES so they were taking advantage of ME! LUCKILY the cop told them they COULD NOT charge me that and I got my truck back for just paying the parking tickets. BUT that is what my MOTHER would do to me EVERY TIME I needed even the slightest help from HER! She was PURE EVIL!
Coincidentally soon after, NO LIE, she was scared to drive up a steep hill during a snow storm and I was at the farm cooking dinner WITH a DATE and she called ME! My GOLDEN CHILD SISTER lived RIGHT NEXT DOOR and I also took care of HER horses and her SONS, did she call her? NO! Anyways MY MOTHER knew I had a Date and asked me if HE would go and help HER! He did, I was mad, but she got home within 10 minutes from the time she CALLED! I was MAD and she knew I was MAD and I asked her why she couldn't call KAREN , well SHE DID but to tell KAREN that I was being MEAN TO HER!
Wonderful video! Always nuanced and presented with deep awareness of the process that we as scapegoats experience and the realizations we have in therapy.
Thanks Jay!! Happy New Year!
This is very helpful. I really benefit from deep dives into different aspects.
I am gaining confidence by practicing acting confident (even when I don't feel confident.) It is helpful to be loud! I always used to feel safer being quiet.
I have accepted a lot in the past few months that I didn't want to accept. Now I am beginning to feel in awe of how I have been able to dig myself out of the trenches.
I hope others are feeling good about themselves too. We deserve it.
The way you structured the video in the beginning is very informative. Thanks Jay
Thank You for You!!! I relate to this 💯
Excellent... one of your best videos! Very helpful.
You are genius. Thank you for your pragmatism and clarity.
You are very welcome
Thank you so much for your insights. You are very much on point with your explanations and help and encourage me on my path out of the enmeshment of my individual narcissistic family dynamic. I have retraced the narcissistic patterns three generations backwards in my mother‘s line and coresponding patterns of trauma in my father‘s line. Every one of your videos gives me some more insight. It is very very complicated and not easy to untangle. So thanks for your help.
This is very triggering because it reminds me all the ridiculously obvious sickness my narc mother got away with, owing to the sick environment I grew up in. She specifically taught us how to reminder her birthday, what she liked when were just little kids. She once gleefully declared that her coworkers remarked she must be a saint because she had to put up with evil incarnate children. Her constant whining about whether we would take care of her when she got older. I am a naturally very giving person. I was torn between feeling compassion for such a sick person and my own survival. Thankfully I reached the moral conclusion that my life and the meaning of it, are more important than being the victim of a zombie. It wasn't an easy position to come to. But thank god I did.
Hi Jay, I appreciate your content. Could you please speak on - if you haven’t already- what to do if you are the scapegoat but a new aunt?! I don’t know what to do … how can even have a relationship with my nephew when that entire side of my family treats me HORRIBLY ?! I don’t know what to do and my little nephew is growing !
Watching this again (last comment was a year ago!). With the scape goats reduced child self, atleast in my case I imagine it as a crescent moon shape, with the points on either side reaching far forward. It was to encapsulate the parent or try to, so as to try and completely understand them as a way of dealing with them. The reduced space where I should have developed was reserved for them to fill...and then others. I think it gave me a good understanding of psychology, but at the price of that reduction in being able to personally develop. Now I'm not sure if personal development will remove the one skill I really honed in myself.
Spot on! Neglect was NORMALIZED
Hey there. I was wondering about therapy. I have three before. Man I'm just tired and feel sad and resolve 2
This was really helpful to hear, as I am currently receiving loving support and struggling with the shame and guilt that come up. I really appreciate the amount of detail you go into, the diagrams etc. It helps me to see the relationship between my struggles today and the childhood abuse.
I don't know if you have any influence on which ads are shown Jay, but the horror movie ad (Megan) was really disturbing. It came up so fast that I couldn't even mute in time to avoid hearing and seeing a little bit. Thanks for all of your informative and helpful videos.
I told police about dads open aggression. Mom why? Cus I'm free cus I can? Why not
I am 28 now. I am free and I will be assertive. Self protection
Today is the first day of the rest of your life! It takes courage to walk away, and seek a new & improved life. Get therapy to learn how to avoid the same mistakes your parents programmed into you, so you can make better choices. When I was 22, I found myself repeating mean things my parents had said during THEIR arguments to my new spouse, then I was horrified that I had not only recorded it in my brain, but spit it out again without any control over it. You CAN break the cycle, just be brave enough to reach out for help. Find a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse and ask them up front if they can commit to at least several months of work with you. (It's hard when a therapist bails because they're going to a new job, etc.) Yes, we're supposed to be able to trust our parents, to rely on them, to feel safe & depend on them. It doesn't always happen, because they have their own shortcomings to deal with as imperfect humans. Consider yourself a pioneer, taking a journey to a new land now. You will learn new ways of doing things. Be good to yourself as you handle each challenge. Take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. You CAN succeed, and don't let anything hold you back! Some wind up self-medicating with alcohol or drugs. By walking away today, you've already proven you've got the STRENGTH to do this without fake courage in a bottle or pills. God bless you, and stick around with this group, the best is yet to come!!!
@@qrisstrongmountain780i self medicate and thanks for your kind and affirming comment. i maybe a little late and i appriciate it. yes i like being assertive i like becoming my own person and i hear u on the coming out of your mouth and u dont know why u would do or say that
My mom often said, "Don't be needy. There's nothing more disgusting than a needy girl"
me too!
For me, narcissists appear to be someone but they eally are not, they are just an act. It's confusing but one knows there is no one there. You have to admit what you really see. When it comes to relsting they don't know how. They won't let anyone love them. They sppear to be successful in life, but not teally because thru can't let their heart lead them. The only way they will change is when they notice this themselves.
a world full of people feeling toxic shame about wanting to love ( current estimates :75% of families are dysfunctional - ie.not raising their childern - letting the tv be the babysitter)
🤕 uhh, can we talk about childhood sexual abuse?
🖐️I was the scapegoated child. My mom the Narc and my dad physically abusive. He was sexually abusive. When I was really little. He thought I wouldn't remember. My sister's a sociopath but that must almost beg believe. I survived by pushing it down and chosing to forget. It help me adjust and grow w/o labels or stigma. Now I don't really relate to my full truth and not everything at once.
Narcissism seems to be a common intergenerational mild to severe problem which gets expressed during parenting too. All of us make choices in life to repeat those parenting errors or not which were made during the parenting of us in our adult lives. In religious circles it isn't called narcissism it is called original sin. The word sin has fallen so out of favor in the English language so that I am taking a risk writing it here.
Owie.
I think my dad gona number 18 of ppl that r cut out. Asking him today if he needs somthing. And when he doesnt answer I'll take that as an answer. Tfw congrats dad today is the first day of our no contact. Man I didn't want to go this way and ppl r free
Precisely why ill never marry. Ever
Partner doesn't have your back? it's over. Period.
Let someone else be the family punching bag.
We all deserve VASTLY BETTER. believe it!
Adios to the a$$hole farm for shizzle!