Holy Hell! This hit me hard and way too close to home. While I am not a nurse, I take care of my 83 yr old mother who is in the mid stages of alzheimers, and my 85 yr old aunt next door. I didn't sleep last night at all, since I spent last night in the ER with my 62 yr old brother who now has pancreatitis and diabetes. I help care for my two cousins, one mentally handicapped and now bedridden and his moderately challenged sister who is his primary caregiver. I've been divorced for 24 yrs now, I stood next to my older son 28, as he fought alcohol addiction. He had already beaten a drug addiction years earlier. Then I found him after his semi-colon became a period. I thought he had killed me too. But I had to keep going, I had another son, so he became my mission, my anchor that kept me grounded here. Then one morning I got that call telling me my anchor had left too. Seems his 'friend" put a knife in his heart and in only a few seconds I was no longer a mother at all. They called me a survivor, said I was strong. But I wasn't. I'm not. I haven't felt strong even for one day of the last 10 years. I struggle every single day. Car 13 is always right there in front of me. Urging me to get on, sit down, rest, let it all go. And somehow....so far....I haven't. I stay here in honor of the sons I can no longer mother. In the months and years that I internalized the Why's and the What if's and searched for answers to questions that fundamentally have no answers. And out of the blue, a man in a group that I moderated made a comment when telling his story that hit me like a brick, it seemed to settle a lot of my struggles and allowed me to still be a mother, even though I no longer had any children. He said that as parents, we would move mountains to take away the pain of our children. That we would gladly take their pain if it meant they could be free of it. And it hit me, I did that. I took their pain. My two sons have no pain, they live in heaven now, and all they know is love and light. I stayed behind to carry it for them, I have been given the chance, the gift, to carry all of their pain from this world, so they don't have to. Just seeing that perspective.... me being left behind here without them as the price I so gladly paid so that they never know pain again......somehow makes it easier to understand, easier to carry, somehow a little less painful. It gives my pain a purpose, one I can live with. One that keeps me choosing the semicolon instead of the period. I will see my sons again, when I am supposed to, and it will be amazing. It's not my choice to make as to when, not really. Sure I am crystal clear that I sometimes tell myself, hang on one more day, I can climb aboard car 13 tomorrow. The option is always there, always available, just not for today. But knowing it's there for tomorrow, makes today bearable. So you see, I don't even know what made me watch this particular video tonight. But I needed to see it. It resonates deeply with me.....daily. Whoever wrote this, did the beautiful graphics, told the story.....you made a difference with me. You gave me back that glimmer of something I don't seem to possess much these days.....hope. Thank you. And whoever is still here, reading my thoughts as they pour out of my hidden traumatized soul, thank you too. And you can also choose to be sure your story only has a semicolon for today. Car 13 will still be there tomorrow. So wait till tomorrow, because for today, you have a little more fight, a little more hope left in you. And it will get you through tonight. Heart hugs to anyone out there who is hurting, who is questioning, who is deciding if there is a tomorrow. You are not alone, and I can promise you, there is a tomorrow.....if you take the chance.
Thank you for sharing shuch a presonnel story. I am sorry that you are and have been going through so much. Being a caretaker and taking on that burden, that pain, that heart ache can crush you're soul. I know. When I write stories like this it is in hope to conect with people and give them hope in their dark days. It seems that this story did this for you. I am honored Thank you for sharing.
Love it!❤
Thank you
Good story;
THank you
Holy Hell! This hit me hard and way too close to home. While I am not a nurse, I take care of my 83 yr old mother who is in the mid stages of alzheimers, and my 85 yr old aunt next door. I didn't sleep last night at all, since I spent last night in the ER with my 62 yr old brother who now has pancreatitis and diabetes. I help care for my two cousins, one mentally handicapped and now bedridden and his moderately challenged sister who is his primary caregiver. I've been divorced for 24 yrs now, I stood next to my older son 28, as he fought alcohol addiction. He had already beaten a drug addiction years earlier. Then I found him after his semi-colon became a period. I thought he had killed me too. But I had to keep going, I had another son, so he became my mission, my anchor that kept me grounded here. Then one morning I got that call telling me my anchor had left too. Seems his 'friend" put a knife in his heart and in only a few seconds I was no longer a mother at all. They called me a survivor, said I was strong. But I wasn't. I'm not. I haven't felt strong even for one day of the last 10 years. I struggle every single day. Car 13 is always right there in front of me. Urging me to get on, sit down, rest, let it all go. And somehow....so far....I haven't. I stay here in honor of the sons I can no longer mother. In the months and years that I internalized the Why's and the What if's and searched for answers to questions that fundamentally have no answers. And out of the blue, a man in a group that I moderated made a comment when telling his story that hit me like a brick, it seemed to settle a lot of my struggles and allowed me to still be a mother, even though I no longer had any children. He said that as parents, we would move mountains to take away the pain of our children. That we would gladly take their pain if it meant they could be free of it. And it hit me, I did that. I took their pain. My two sons have no pain, they live in heaven now, and all they know is love and light. I stayed behind to carry it for them, I have been given the chance, the gift, to carry all of their pain from this world, so they don't have to. Just seeing that perspective.... me being left behind here without them as the price I so gladly paid so that they never know pain again......somehow makes it easier to understand, easier to carry, somehow a little less painful. It gives my pain a purpose, one I can live with. One that keeps me choosing the semicolon instead of the period. I will see my sons again, when I am supposed to, and it will be amazing. It's not my choice to make as to when, not really. Sure I am crystal clear that I sometimes tell myself, hang on one more day, I can climb aboard car 13 tomorrow. The option is always there, always available, just not for today. But knowing it's there for tomorrow, makes today bearable.
So you see, I don't even know what made me watch this particular video tonight. But I needed to see it. It resonates deeply with me.....daily. Whoever wrote this, did the beautiful graphics, told the story.....you made a difference with me. You gave me back that glimmer of something I don't seem to possess much these days.....hope. Thank you. And whoever is still here, reading my thoughts as they pour out of my hidden traumatized soul, thank you too. And you can also choose to be sure your story only has a semicolon for today. Car 13 will still be there tomorrow. So wait till tomorrow, because for today, you have a little more fight, a little more hope left in you. And it will get you through tonight.
Heart hugs to anyone out there who is hurting, who is questioning, who is deciding if there is a tomorrow. You are not alone, and I can promise you, there is a tomorrow.....if you take the chance.
Thank you for sharing shuch a presonnel story. I am sorry that you are and have been going through so much. Being a caretaker and taking on that burden, that pain, that heart ache can crush you're soul. I know.
When I write stories like this it is in hope to conect with people and give them hope in their dark days. It seems that this story did this for you.
I am honored
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you 🙏🏿❤