Canada Isn't Real | Not Really Radio Preshow (Day 18) Tecumseh, MI

The great thing about cryptids is their existence can’t be proven. Even if you have foot prints, photos, carcasses and anecdotal evidence, there is no way to establish a cryptid is real. Which of course is exactly why Canada doesn’t exist.
Don’t get me wrong, timbits from Tim Horton’s are great and I sure do like Ryan Reynolds and Dan Akroyd, but you cannot prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Canada is real.
Oh sure, there’s something living north of the United States, and Windsor is a great town, but as soon as you tell me to head south from Detroit to get to a city located within a country north of the U.S. all you’ve proven to me is that you believe the earth is flat, sharks are smooth and Chester Chase is not in fact the toughest man on the planet.
It just doesn’t make sense.
So what has your favorite broadcaster all bent out of shape about our alleged neighbors to the north?
The Geese.
It just didn’t make sense. Until now.
All I’ve ever heard is how Canada is so sweet and polite, and for the most part I’ve believed it. For about as long as I believed the entire nation of Canada was not in fact populated almost exclusively by cryptids.
Then I went for a casual stroll out by the community center.
As I began to walk along the shore on the east side of the pond by the Community Center I was greeted by a hiss. There it stood, the biggest, angriest canadian goose I’ve ever seen. I looked around carefully, there were no goslings to be seen, just this big mad waterfowl that was glaring at me with malicious intent.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a coward and I’m pretty sure my kung fu is strong enough to handle an irritable canadian. But here’s where it gets weird.
I decided my stroll wasn’t worth the effort and turned to head back to Mr Mentallo, the name I’ve given my Ford Flex. Rather than peacefully carry on about my evening though I encountered another goose, even bigger than the first one. Also angry, also hissing at me, also advancing menacingly.
The surprise on my face was reflected in the distressed honk of the swans swimming nearby that saw what was going down and immediately flew away.
Have you ever seen a swan flee in terror?
Me neither.
It’s foreboding.
I was preparing to let loose my best fake karate yell when a disturbance in the water caught my attention. The most welcome sight greeted my admittedly panicked eyes.
The Cryptid Bounty Hunter himself, Chester Chase strode calmly up and out of the water and pointed back toward the pond while making eye contact with the goose in front of me. Obediently the angry creature swam away. Chester turned to the other goose and it also retreated. I watched in relief as they left us then turned to Mr Chase and noticed he was bone dry.
I thanked Chester for intervening in what I’m sure would have been an epic martial arts battle complete with ninjas. I also mentioned how surprised I was that geese from Canada were so darn unfriendly when the rest of Canada was supposed to be so great.
That’s when Chester Chase dropped the bomb on me
But first a word from our sponsor:
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Canadians aren’t real!
At first I objected but then he hit me with the next one.
Do you know how he knows Canada isn’t real?
Because Chester Chase is Canadian!
Turns out the cryptids that live in Canada are quasi humans who deposit all their nastiness in a single lake in northern Ontario. This lake then spontaneously generates angry geese that carry Canada’s ugly character flaws out of the country to spew it all over the United States.
Do you get what I’m saying?
Canadian Geese are emotional garbage men and we’re the dump!
Turns out Chester Chase hangs out down here because he feels bad that we’re Canada’s emotional landfill and is trying to lessen the impact by training the geese to protect our waterways from mild threats.
As if we needed any more evidence of the heroism of Chester Chase, cryptid Bounty hunter.
Tell you what, help me get through this stunning revelation, come see me at the Not Really Radio live event on Saturday, April 30 at 7pm.
Not Really Radio - an evening of live music and mild hilarity in the style of live radio. Join us Saturday, April 30th at 7pm. Admission is free but seating is limited so show up early!
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