Bravo for this - you nailed it. Parental alienation is real, yet overlooked by the judicial system. In fact, sometimes the courts and social workers support the narcissistic parent in weaponizing the children against the other parent by overlooking important facts. As long as the child is over 14-15, they can decide who they want to live with. It can therefore happen that a parent who had a sole custody of children loses the custody to the narcistic parent who had been poisoning them against the other parent for years. Ultimately, this is all very bad for the children, and contrary to social services (fake) mantra of doing "what's best for the child".
My girls were 10 and 11, when my ex never brought them home after a visit with him. I was told by the police, they want to be with him. I was accused of all sorts, but never arrested. I still have no contact after 2 years, even though the SS paper work says they have been alienated from me, and everyone was concerned enough with Dad to put them under child protection. Box ticking at its best., at the peril of my girls. I can do nothing! Heartbreaking.
Sam your matter of fact and brutal breakdown of this really chills and rings so many bells. I have not seen my daughter for 10 years. The last conversation we had was to let me know what she want to have for dinner and watch on tv. She never arrived and despite 10 years of reaching out. Nothing. Not one conversation. My attempts to go around there and see my child were met with the mother playing the victim and calling cops. The cops just enabled the whole thing when involved. All i know of any rationale i,s that the mother promised to get me out of our daughters life what ever it took. It didnt take much!!!.
Whoever is from Europe talks that way. English speaking countries people talk too much and never go straight to the point since second 0.1 It pisses me off how long it takes for a british or american to explain something,just go to the point hahah. Maybe because I am very germanic
My parents have started alienating me. It's awkward as hell, Not even sure why... Its like they out of nowhere stopped caring about me. Ive been trying to go see them for a year and they just keep acting like they can't put aside 30 minutes to meet me in town and have a meal... its ridiculous. its been 3 Christmases and 2 birthdays, and anytime in between I try to see them. They will text me back sometimes, usually a day or two later... IdK what i did, its like ive been totally disowned without being told straight. I feel like im shadow banned. they pretend its nothing and even get mad when i ask if i did something wrong... Its confusing mixed signals that make me wonder if im even the problem...If i try to help they don't want it, but Ive also been accused of not "being around" .... When i try im told to leave them alone and take care of myself in a round about way... I was homeless last year and they told me to look for a shelter because there was no room on their 100 acre ranch for me to build my home...It's hard not to feel a bit dis-loved. They are playing these head games on purpose but why?
My ex husband is a narcissist and has alienated my daughter from me. She has been used as a pawn. He has groomed her over many years to hate me and to see everything through his eyes. She thinks he’s amazing and he can do no wrong. She blames me for everything. He does treat her as an extension of himself even though he has remarried. And now I’m being alienated as a grandmother as well. Even though we divorced 23 years ago I am still being punished. Are there more videos on this topic?
You have done an awesome job, been checking your channel for a very long period of time and the knowledge you give to us is priceless, keep doing what you do!
Thank you for the insight with your shareing of the turnabout intent with your situation Sam . It make perfect sense with all af it . And yes your help with understanding this and more is priceless. So many thanks !
My mother is alienating my three year old son from me (kidnapped) in the same way she robbed me from my father and alienated me from him. She made sure I was abused in every possible way. She recently offered my son on a platter to some creep she's attracted to and he showed signs of being molested. When the state stepped up to defend her and her proxy abuser I realized that the abuse I suffered was systemic and not at all isolated or random. It's intergenerational and enforceable by law. I'm a constituent of EugeniCT but I may as well be a catholic parishioner back in their heyday.
This is what my father did with me and my mother. Actually he did it in all directions: me vs my brother, my brother vs my mother, me vs HIS mother (my grandmother), my mother against everyone etc ad infinitum. I just wanted to comment really quickly about when you talked about why the child would fall for it, or go along with it. I think your answer was right on the nose, but there is something I wanted to add, at least from my experience. What my father did was pay very close attention to little the places I got hurt by my mother, little disagreements, even little fractures, or her weaknesses and failures, and then he would lean in on them one-on-one with me. It felt like bonding, like he was concerned for me, I was being tended to when I needed tending, but what he was really doing was churning up a deeper pain in me where he knew one already existed, whether it was from a normal family spat or a real trespass, they all weighed the same in how he used them with me. He would fan the flame of any disagreement, behind closed doors, by inflating any bad feelings I had for my mother, zeroing right into the places where the clash took place and saying things that lead me to believe that not only were my feelings completely justified, but they were inflicted injuries, which basically means acts of violence, and then he's comfort me by disparaging my mother("s sanity, motives, intelligence, danger level, non-jewishness haha, whatever worked at the time), all under the cloak of tending to my wounds. Its like if a father sees a new bruise on their kid and presses it really hard while explaining to them that pain is a sign of stage four bone cancer. He doesn't invent the bruise out of nothing, but he's opportunistic, and even might orchestrate the situation where the bruise gets made, or not, but once its there he jumps right on it. Obviously this basically becomes a snake eating its tail, especially since on the other end of things he was driving her literally insane: With my fathers help my perspective on my mother changed and distorted, disagreements multiplied, contemptuous fatherly trash-talk sessions expanded, perspective of my mother distorted, arguments, etc etc. It is effective. I have no relationship with my mother or my brother now, unfortunately, and finally I cut my father off. But as a kid with a father who is good at doing this,, it didn't matter if my dad was King Haggard or a pumpkin with sunglasses on- he was cast as the good parent, the safe one, the protector, while my mother was cast as something terrifying dangerous and humiliating. I expended a TON of energy for many many years making sure that he never fell off his pedestal, because I felt like then id be orphaned. I don't know if that helps outline how a kid might be swept up in this, but I thought it might.
Im living this right now. Their father had zero interest in our kids when we were married and they were younger. Now he is busy love bombing them. Whenever they dnt please him he jst withdraws leaving them feeling alienated. It’s difficult to watch. Especially my daughter who clearly has full blown daddy issues. Im helplessly watching him undo all the good things i did. My daughter can’t accept that her father is incapable of loving her. And the way he shows up when he wants something is seductive for a young adolescent. He presents himself as successful. He really isn’t. Worse is the way he acts around his new wife. His head totally up her ass! This is really difficult for a daughter to see. When we were married i use to marvel at how he seemed more interested in me than his own children! I didn’t know anything about NPD at the time. But knowing my daughter us watching him do this to a total stranger has to be hard. I told them he has a disorder but i dnt want to push. But theu r forever crying over one issue or another with him. I have to dry their tears - watch them walk back into his shared fantasy only to come back a few months later again! It’s emotionally and exhausting! But thank u sam! U are literally the best at this and i follow a lot of experts on this topic
By your story, you sound so much like my mom. You're not alone and your daughter I feel so fully for her. I'm in therapy in my 30s.. my mom knew for so much longer but I could not hear her clearly.. it might take her a while to figure it out. I am sending you two love. ❤
Are they able to understand that daddy is running a video game that he changes to get what he wants? Sam's metaphor about that was very helpful. None of it is real...which is heartbreaking for us.
@@bunmitella9672 isn't it amazing how much you can help a stranger? You may like doctor Romani too, she makes much shorter videos though.. And bunmi, I didn't figure it out until he got remarried. Youre right about the cycle of his fantasy... I was literally enabling him and I thought it was unconditional love. It's not easy. You know. Have a wonderful holiday, keep your loved ones close. ❤
I experienced the same story. In his own way.. Mine are on the mend and do have a relationship with him now, they have learned that he communicates differently .. that it is not reflective of their worth.
I am 48. This is brilliant!! You say as a child dd of this abuse their is no recovery , we are wounded so much. I hope this is not the case ... l have been in therapy for 15 years or longer ... l am by myself but very much enjoying my growth🥰
Dr Vaknin, I have a question. My mother has always been triangulating me with my sister who is four years younger, the youngest of us three children. My mother constantly tried to use me as a second controlling, judgemental, punishing parent by talking “worriedly” (but it’s actually aggression and contempt if you take a closer look) to me about my sister’s perceived failures and wrongdoings. She wanted me to talk to my sister in order to change her actions. It started when i was about 13 years old, if I think back. Is that weaponizing me, too? Or do children only get weaponized against the spouse? I remember that I constantly felt split, and ever more so, the older I got. At first I felt flattered and was very much what they call the golden child, who performs and is biddable etc., but my role changed from the very dependent prematurely born little girl who was lucky to be tested highly intelligent and thus presentable, to the teenager who started to figure out her mother’s abuse and started contradicting her and helping her sister, thus slipping into the role of black sheep that my mother additionally became more and more jealous of. Up to this day our roles are changed. My mother talks worriedly about me to my sister who then tries to attack me with an aggression that is not bearable. I don’t expose myself to that anymore, I just keep the contact with my family very superficial. I’m alienated from my sister but also from my elder brother who unfortunately listens to my mother’s “worries”, too. Both are unwilling to listen when I tell them about my experiences with our mother, it’s as if they were thankful that one of us gets beaten and it’s not them.
We should stop playing into these tropes that women like me make the conscious decision to pair up with abusive men. I had unmet needs, plain and simple. I needed a roommate, or I was in a foreign country and needed health insurance. It wasn't about love: it was about not being able to get very basic needs met and having a man show up who was an opportunist. Women like me are simply not on a level playing field to begin with, so if you could stop acting like women choose abusive men. They choose us, it's not about love, they back us right into a corner, and the Church (every church) teaches us women are filthy and unworthy.
My mother was a narcissist and put me through hell I have never even heard of from anyone else. I did end up w an abusive partner who my mom still loves. I moved my kids and myself pour of state and finally have a good man and a good life at age 40.
Yes, I didn't love him, I fell in Love with the ideal of what love felt like, right on..the devil, lived in this hse, hiding in that covert narcissist..everything you stated was do right on..
When court systems operate in absolutes, then conflict is naturally created... Which is for financial gain. So, these discussions are still reactive, not proactive. The more families that can avoid family court, the better.
professor, i had abusive childhood (including narcissistic disorder) and have experience of unconditional love from a partner. sexual attraction though, isn't it different? it is to me, and i can see it both from the unconditional love not being sexually attractive and still rather abusive fantasies with psycho categories being indeed sexually attractive. maybe i am still trauma bonded/attachment issues? well, not healthy for sure whatever it is?.. the point is not just what you happen to know or experience but what you are drawn to, internally arising, being appealing. is it seek to resolve our past traumas and rewrite a happy ending of some sort? i think i heard this somewhere. only three minutes in the video the comment
can it be just fear overprotective = narcissism usually based on fear that somebody might cross they're childrens boundaries the same way theirs was crossed. can you tell me what your thoughts on that. therapy causes more harm in my opinion
So true, the covert for sure, wants to destroy you..after the love bombing..it all makes sense, when in a covert encounter..men/women, women/men..victims..it carries on from their parent, a visous cycle...that Fester's..to a point of no return..it is becomes their dna..so sad..for them... And..their victis as well
subconsciously would be how many others can explain not knowing self love. Being groomed by religion and or generations of the inability to give thyself self love from a post traumatic slavery stress syndrome. I noticed that in the afrocan american community after yeats and years of so-called being free we are mow finding out that we have been operating as a culture without self love and its been difficult to break as well as many other americans of other cultures groomed by way of the slave system. i would love to hear your theory on that
Bravo for this - you nailed it. Parental alienation is real, yet overlooked by the judicial system. In fact, sometimes the courts and social workers support the narcissistic parent in weaponizing the children against the other parent by overlooking important facts. As long as the child is over 14-15, they can decide who they want to live with. It can therefore happen that a parent who had a sole custody of children loses the custody to the narcistic parent who had been poisoning them against the other parent for years. Ultimately, this is all very bad for the children, and contrary to social services (fake) mantra of doing "what's best for the child".
Absolutely! I'm knee deep in this now. He's already turned our son against me. He manipulates everyone & they are so blind to it.
My girls were 10 and 11, when my ex never brought them home after a visit with him. I was told by the police, they want to be with him. I was accused of all sorts, but never arrested. I still have no contact after 2 years, even though the SS paper work says they have been alienated from me, and everyone was concerned enough with Dad to put them under child protection. Box ticking at its best., at the peril of my girls. I can do nothing! Heartbreaking.
People only use "whats best for children" to pass agendas.
Prof. Sam you are a mastermind and a gift to so many!
True! I know. I'm in the middle of it. 😥
Sam your matter of fact and brutal breakdown of this really chills and rings so many bells. I have not seen my daughter for 10 years. The last conversation we had was to let me know what she want to have for dinner and watch on tv. She never arrived and despite 10 years of reaching out. Nothing. Not one conversation. My attempts to go around there and see my child were met with the mother playing the victim and calling cops. The cops just enabled the whole thing when involved. All i know of any rationale i,s that the mother promised to get me out of our daughters life what ever it took. It didnt take much!!!.
Really impresive how you explain hard things to explain in such an understandable and clear way
Whoever is from Europe talks that way. English speaking countries people talk too much and never go straight to the point since second 0.1 It pisses me off how long it takes for a british or american to explain something,just go to the point hahah. Maybe because I am very germanic
This was amazing! Thank you Dr. Vaknin❤❤
My parents have started alienating me. It's awkward as hell, Not even sure why... Its like they out of nowhere stopped caring about me. Ive been trying to go see them for a year and they just keep acting like they can't put aside 30 minutes to meet me in town and have a meal... its ridiculous. its been 3 Christmases and 2 birthdays, and anytime in between I try to see them.
They will text me back sometimes, usually a day or two later... IdK what i did, its like ive been totally disowned without being told straight. I feel like im shadow banned. they pretend its nothing and even get mad when i ask if i did something wrong... Its confusing mixed signals that make me wonder if im even the problem...If i try to help they don't want it, but Ive also been accused of not "being around" .... When i try im told to leave them alone and take care of myself in a round about way... I was homeless last year and they told me to look for a shelter because there was no room on their 100 acre ranch for me to build my home...It's hard not to feel a bit dis-loved. They are playing these head games on purpose but why?
My ex husband is a narcissist and has alienated my daughter from me. She has been used as a pawn. He has groomed her over many years to hate me and to see everything through his eyes. She thinks he’s amazing and he can do no wrong. She blames me for everything. He does treat her as an extension of himself even though he has remarried. And now I’m being alienated as a grandmother as well. Even though we divorced 23 years ago I am still being punished. Are there more videos on this topic?
Thank you Professor Dr. Sam ! You are outstanding!!!!
You have done an awesome job, been checking your channel for a very long period of time and the knowledge you give to us is priceless, keep doing what you do!
Every single time i learn more and more and i think the most important thing to do is to know itself and espacially to love itself
self love / worth is what you lose. For sure the way to heal is to get this back.
@@kellyswensonsolwithaview3362 👌
Thank you for the insight with your shareing of the turnabout intent with your situation Sam . It make perfect sense with all af it . And yes your help with understanding this and more is priceless. So many thanks !
Haha! It’s funny seeing Sam interact with certain people with different levels of knowledge 😂
I'm glad this is the top comment . Lol
this works BOTH ways...I am a victim and male
My mother is alienating my three year old son from me (kidnapped) in the same way she robbed me from my father and alienated me from him. She made sure I was abused in every possible way. She recently offered my son on a platter to some creep she's attracted to and he showed signs of being molested. When the state stepped up to defend her and her proxy abuser I realized that the abuse I suffered was systemic and not at all isolated or random. It's intergenerational and enforceable by law. I'm a constituent of EugeniCT but I may as well be a catholic parishioner back in their heyday.
I’ve read that it’s usually the mother that is doing it.
This was so helpful, thank you, Dr. Sam.
This is what my father did with me and my mother. Actually he did it in all directions: me vs my brother, my brother vs my mother, me vs HIS mother (my grandmother), my mother against everyone etc ad infinitum. I just wanted to comment really quickly about when you talked about why the child would fall for it, or go along with it. I think your answer was right on the nose, but there is something I wanted to add, at least from my experience.
What my father did was pay very close attention to little the places I got hurt by my mother, little disagreements, even little fractures, or her weaknesses and failures, and then he would lean in on them one-on-one with me. It felt like bonding, like he was concerned for me, I was being tended to when I needed tending, but what he was really doing was churning up a deeper pain in me where he knew one already existed, whether it was from a normal family spat or a real trespass, they all weighed the same in how he used them with me. He would fan the flame of any disagreement, behind closed doors, by inflating any bad feelings I had for my mother, zeroing right into the places where the clash took place and saying things that lead me to believe that not only were my feelings completely justified, but they were inflicted injuries, which basically means acts of violence, and then he's comfort me by disparaging my mother("s sanity, motives, intelligence, danger level, non-jewishness haha, whatever worked at the time), all under the cloak of tending to my wounds.
Its like if a father sees a new bruise on their kid and presses it really hard while explaining to them that pain is a sign of stage four bone cancer. He doesn't invent the bruise out of nothing, but he's opportunistic, and even might orchestrate the situation where the bruise gets made, or not, but once its there he jumps right on it.
Obviously this basically becomes a snake eating its tail, especially since on the other end of things he was driving her literally insane: With my fathers help my perspective on my mother changed and distorted, disagreements multiplied, contemptuous fatherly trash-talk sessions expanded, perspective of my mother distorted, arguments, etc etc. It is effective. I have no relationship with my mother or my brother now, unfortunately, and finally I cut my father off. But as a kid with a father who is good at doing this,, it didn't matter if my dad was King Haggard or a pumpkin with sunglasses on- he was cast as the good parent, the safe one, the protector, while my mother was cast as something terrifying dangerous and humiliating. I expended a TON of energy for many many years making sure that he never fell off his pedestal, because I felt like then id be orphaned.
I don't know if that helps outline how a kid might be swept up in this, but I thought it might.
Im living this right now. Their father had zero interest in our kids when we were married and they were younger. Now he is busy love bombing them. Whenever they dnt please him he jst withdraws leaving them feeling alienated. It’s difficult to watch. Especially my daughter who clearly has full blown daddy issues. Im helplessly watching him undo all the good things i did. My daughter can’t accept that her father is incapable of loving her. And the way he shows up when he wants something is seductive for a young adolescent. He presents himself as successful. He really isn’t. Worse is the way he acts around his new wife. His head totally up her ass! This is really difficult for a daughter to see. When we were married i use to marvel at how he seemed more interested in me than his own children! I didn’t know anything about NPD at the time. But knowing my daughter us watching him do this to a total stranger has to be hard. I told them he has a disorder but i dnt want to push. But theu r forever crying over one issue or another with him. I have to dry their tears - watch them walk back into his shared fantasy only to come back a few months later again! It’s emotionally and exhausting! But thank u sam! U are literally the best at this and i follow a lot of experts on this topic
By your story, you sound so much like my mom. You're not alone and your daughter I feel so fully for her. I'm in therapy in my 30s.. my mom knew for so much longer but I could not hear her clearly.. it might take her a while to figure it out. I am sending you two love. ❤
Are they able to understand that daddy is running a video game that he changes to get what he wants? Sam's metaphor about that was very helpful. None of it is real...which is heartbreaking for us.
@@Woahlookitthemoon thank u so much. U helped more than u know 🙏
@@bunmitella9672 isn't it amazing how much you can help a stranger? You may like doctor Romani too, she makes much shorter videos though..
And bunmi, I didn't figure it out until he got remarried. Youre right about the cycle of his fantasy... I was literally enabling him and I thought it was unconditional love. It's not easy. You know.
Have a wonderful holiday, keep your loved ones close. ❤
I experienced the same story. In his own way.. Mine are on the mend and do have a relationship with him now, they have learned that he communicates differently .. that it is not reflective of their worth.
Yes, love challenged..so true.
I am 48. This is brilliant!! You say as a child dd of this abuse their is no recovery , we are wounded so much. I hope this is not the case ... l have been in therapy for 15 years or longer ... l am by myself but very much enjoying my growth🥰
Dr Vaknin, I have a question. My mother has always been triangulating me with my sister who is four years younger, the youngest of us three children. My mother constantly tried to use me as a second controlling, judgemental, punishing parent by talking “worriedly” (but it’s actually aggression and contempt if you take a closer look) to me about my sister’s perceived failures and wrongdoings. She wanted me to talk to my sister in order to change her actions. It started when i was about 13 years old, if I think back.
Is that weaponizing me, too? Or do children only get weaponized against the spouse?
I remember that I constantly felt split, and ever more so, the older I got. At first I felt flattered and was very much what they call the golden child, who performs and is biddable etc., but my role changed from the very dependent prematurely born little girl who was lucky to be tested highly intelligent and thus presentable, to the teenager who started to figure out her mother’s abuse and started contradicting her and helping her sister, thus slipping into the role of black sheep that my mother additionally became more and more jealous of. Up to this day our roles are changed. My mother talks worriedly about me to my sister who then tries to attack me with an aggression that is not bearable. I don’t expose myself to that anymore, I just keep the contact with my family very superficial. I’m alienated from my sister but also from my elder brother who unfortunately listens to my mother’s “worries”, too. Both are unwilling to listen when I tell them about my experiences with our mother, it’s as if they were thankful that one of us gets beaten and it’s not them.
Extraordinary testimony 🙏💖
Wow, that was powerful
Go, Sam go!✊🙂
We should stop playing into these tropes that women like me make the conscious decision to pair up with abusive men. I had unmet needs, plain and simple. I needed a roommate, or I was in a foreign country and needed health insurance. It wasn't about love: it was about not being able to get very basic needs met and having a man show up who was an opportunist. Women like me are simply not on a level playing field to begin with, so if you could stop acting like women choose abusive men. They choose us, it's not about love, they back us right into a corner, and the Church (every church) teaches us women are filthy and unworthy.
Yup, they're all liars. Don't fall for the flowers!!
My mother was a narcissist and put me through hell I have never even heard of from anyone else. I did end up w an abusive partner who my mom still loves. I moved my kids and myself pour of state and finally have a good man and a good life at age 40.
Redirect Narcissism, I will do that. Thanks
Yes, I didn't love him, I fell in Love with the ideal of what love felt like, right on..the devil, lived in this hse, hiding in that covert narcissist..everything you stated was do right on..
When court systems operate in absolutes, then conflict is naturally created...
Which is for financial gain.
So, these discussions are still reactive, not proactive.
The more families that can avoid family court, the better.
Grand parent Alienation is abuse.
Thank you! My ex husband is exposed for the damage that he has done to my daughter towards me.
My question, what if this alienation is backed up by belief system??..some cultures are on this attachment style. Passed on and on to next generations
professor, i had abusive childhood (including narcissistic disorder) and have experience of unconditional love from a partner. sexual attraction though, isn't it different? it is to me, and i can see it both from the unconditional love not being sexually attractive and still rather abusive fantasies with psycho categories being indeed sexually attractive. maybe i am still trauma bonded/attachment issues? well, not healthy for sure whatever it is?.. the point is not just what you happen to know or experience but what you are drawn to, internally arising, being appealing. is it seek to resolve our past traumas and rewrite a happy ending of some sort? i think i heard this somewhere. only three minutes in the video the comment
can it be just fear
overprotective = narcissism usually based on fear that somebody might cross they're childrens boundaries the same way theirs was crossed. can you tell me what your thoughts on that.
therapy causes more harm in my opinion
Can we get a link to the referenced Richard Grannon interview??
Sam, isn't a syndrome (by definition) a cluster of symptoms?
Yes, it is. Symptoms, not behaviors.
ASYMMETRIC CONFLICT/DEPENDENCY
John 8:36 KJV
If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.
So true, the covert for sure, wants to destroy you..after the love bombing..it all makes sense, when in a covert encounter..men/women, women/men..victims..it carries on from their parent, a visous cycle...that Fester's..to a point of no return..it is becomes their dna..so sad..for them... And..their victis as well
subconsciously would be how many others can explain not knowing self love. Being groomed by religion and or generations of the inability to give thyself self love from a post traumatic slavery stress syndrome. I noticed that in the afrocan american community after yeats and years of so-called being free we are mow finding out that we have been operating as a culture without self love and its been difficult to break as well as many other americans of other cultures groomed by way of the slave system. i would love to hear your theory on that
I would have liked to listed what Mary had to say, Andy didnt let her talk