"Deep down he loves us" = can't control himself = emotionally or physically abusive person. If someone loves you they don't abuse you, there is no deep down.
Abusers do not do love. It's impossible to abuse someone who you love. I would say that someone who have love inside of them is not able to abuse anyone.
They “may have a deep conviction of utter badness disguised by a persona that is..poorly integrated” that’s from Judith Herman’s book about diagnosing borderline personality.
Could you do a role play on: when you try to talk to your mother about your struggles or mental health and she turns it around saying she has the same struggle but worse than you and the child ends up consoling them instead of the child's struggle being acknowledged?
Oof this happened to me. I'm looking for therapy for a possible dissociative disorder (brought to my attention by my sister and husband years ago but I ignored them for a long time) I briefly mentioned to her once(though I have no clue why) and then I made a joke to my mostly my brother about people in my head (I got my dad's humor coping mechanism lol) and my mother went on a fifteen minutes tirade of how all these things that she has that's not did mind you I NEVER told her what symptoms I had or any in depth conversation on how I think or what's going on. for very good reasons. So she just straight up assumed we think the exact same(which isn't abnormal I was always the "golden child" so she's always I guess saw me as an extension of her) I get more grateful every day that my dad had custody and only had to deal with her for weekends and holidays.
I was diagnosed with BPD and when I attempted to tell my mother she mocked me and said that she had a problem too... but shes always taken away my right to need help and feel hurt...
@@holyghostfire9568 Nobody deserves to be born to somebody with a Cluster B personality *who is not seeking help.* I hope you are successful in caring for yourself in all the ways that she could not. The good news is, BPD has the highest successful treatment rate among the Cluster B personalities. Particularly with CBT. You have every reason to believe that, with effort, you can become for yourself (and others) everything that your mother refused to.
I hardcore recognize the codependent talk from my own mother, but I also recognize the healthy mother from more recently. I'm honestly proud of her development, even though I'm the child. I often find myself defending my father and his family because of all the defense I've heard from her in the past, but I'm working on it myself. He has his own traumas, but that doesn't excuse his intolerant behaviors.
Christine Same here. Never in a million years would my mom apologize genuinely for my childhood and her role in things. I was always blamed for everything.
“Ok maybe it’s me”. The anthem of all abused children. Internalizing the idea that YOU are the problem when you are not is crazy making! I love your videos, especially highlighting the healthy mother. I cannot imagine what my life would be like with a family that was healthy and supportive.
I replay the healthy mother part just because it's so comforting. Another excellent example by Patrick Teahan because the codependent mom seems so nice like she is not doing anything wrong. I never would have gotten what was wrong unless the scene was played out and explained from the different angles.
Same! How do you not play the victim but also acknowledge that having abusive people in your life for 35 years pouring their toxins into you hasn't devastated and directed your life?
Couldn't agree more. I come from the same background - codependent mother, narcissistic father. Despite his rages, it has always been my fault. I remember there was this one time when my mother acknowledged my perspective and showed genuine understanding (obviously not in front of the father, but still). This one simple gesture was unbelievably empowering. It was like an injection of optimism and self-confidence or like someone just gave me wings. Having that on regular basis must be like going through life with jet propulsion.
@@joshuataylor6087 play the victim Joshua. Because you, me and millions of others scapegoats are that. Victims. It's ok to play the victim when you really are the victim unlike a narc who plays the victim when they aren't.
Ahh the "You know how he is" and "you don't understand marriage" and "he's done so much for us" and "i understand him" and "no one perfect" and "he loves you deep down" all stabbed me in heart
That statement triggered me. I had an abusive manager and their boss said that to me (You know how he is.) after I approached him on the abuse my manager was perpetrating on me. I left the job almost immediately.
This is a good representation of how a person who is the victim of narcissistic abuse (the mother) can contribute to someone else's abuse. I'm curious what other people think about this.
@@FionavanDahl this is I agree where the major and more long lasting confusion and pain comes from and it's worse than the issue at hand yet the guilt we feel for that person keeps us in the game! Making us a victim as well.... its not right!! I had this all my life yet 'we have to understand the narc'!! Ruins our lives 🙋🙋
I’m 57 and have never heard what healthy sounded like until Patrick started these role plays. It’s helped me be a better mom to my adult children - I was an abuse enabler of their dad for 30 years, as was my mother before me. I also never heard what empowered actually sounded like. And looked like (thanks to Patrick’s facial expressions). I went NC with family of origin, but have learnt so much seeing what an empowered response is. Forever grateful!
All we want from our parents is accountability (like acknowledging that you did not protect us like you should have) and acceptance (what can you do now to repair our relationship)! Glad to see someone doing the work! I wish my mom would do this but she’s still dealing with her own hurt from her parents’ abuse and all the other trauma she experienced.
Good on ya. I had to cut off my mom yesterday cause she couldn't be real with me about the abuse she was responsible for as well, and tried to blame me and make excuses for what she did to me as a child and I just couldn't handle it anymore. Hopefully you learn enough to avoid losing your kids respect
I'm 56, my mom is a great enabling flying monkey poss vuln narc totally supports father no Matter what. If my mom had done what you're doing I'd have respect for her
Every time he does a parent apology in these skits, I get teary-eyed. Not once has my mom apologized to me for any of the awful behavior that led to my mental health issues, even when I brought it up directly.
Always felt mom’s concessions had everything to do with financial dependency. As related to narcissists, you’ve got have your own funds, or you’re hugely vulnerable.
@@MoralGovernment You become so mentally and emotionally drained, there’s no energy or “will” left to even contemplate leaving. The mental imprisonment is real.
My experience : the codependent part of my family always asked ME to have empathy for the abuser (my NPD mother) saying "you have to understand her, she had a bad and very difficult life". "Just do what she says/asks you to...". That's cowardice, in my opinion. My father just fought with her and left.
"(they) had it worse, (they) just dont know how to be a parent. theres no handbook on parenting u know," its not an excuse they should know being abusive isnt ok. there are literal parenting books its a whole genre of books.
Wow, I can't imagine having a healthy mother, it feels so unreal to watch this. This is my exact scenario, co-dependent mom and father with anger issues, but just in private. Also my mom has a really bad relationship with herself, which often projects to our mom-daughter relationship.Thanks for the video Patrick, it really helps
The privately angry ones are the worst, and you know that most people wouldn't believe it because their public persona is the inverse. I managed to attract a boyfriend the same!
Ok 1. This hit really close to home 2. I would cry tears of joy and pinch myself to make sure i'm not dreaming if i had the second role play scenario with my mom 3. Your acting is fucking phenomenal. Unbelievable
This is my mother. She feels like she is the nicest person in the world like mother Theresa (her words). I can't win with her, she's always right. She never protected me against my dad, she acts like she's so normal, and I have wondered if she was a covert narc. Your so spot on. Thank you for making me realize that getting upset and speaking out is not wrong but called being empowered. I'm seen as the problem daughter because I could never get along with my controlling abusive father. It's very depressing and agonizing growing up without a mother-because she was too busy taking care of my narcissistic father. She dumped me when I stopped listening to her complain after 20 years, and when I called her out on feeling invisible. It's very upsetting.
I think my mother is both codependent and covert narcissistic. My mother is incredibly apathetic. I didn't know how to describe her when I was a kid but I said she was self involved but not selfish. She knew how to behave to act like she cared about others, but it wasn't sincere and she turned everything around back to herself and was extremely manipulative often using heavy guilt motivation. My father raged, much like in this role play, and she still goes between making excuses for him and blaming him for all her problems. He died in 2014. She's very childlike. I think she has a lot going on. I've never seen her better described than in videos on covert narcissist. Codependent was how I described my parents marriage. It was so toxic and they were both miserable. I often wish I'd walked away from him when I was younger.
My thoughts exactly. Both of my parents are still alive. My husband only told me recently how uncomfortable it is going to their house. Watching the covert narcissist videos and this one… it’s like a huge lightbulb.
This sounds a lot like my mother. She, too, was sexually abused. She, too, seems emotionally very childlike. I started to really see it clearly when I had children of my own.
@goddessofaphoenixserpent my life coach always tells me “the more you heal and the better you get- the more ‘they’ will push and the madder ‘they’ will get.”
I have been the codependent mother with a narcissistic husband for years. I am now divorcing the narc husband. I have had my head in the sand for years and enabled the bad behavior. I have a lot of repair to do with my adult children. When I started therapy, I started to peel back the layers of lies, take responsibility for my lies and admit my role in the family mess. The codependent mother and the narc father are a combination from hell. I am glad I finally see it so I can stop my role in it. I work daily to recognize and change my behavior to something healthier. I feel guilt for my role in this mess and that's pushes me to choose something better. I want to bring goodness to myself and others, not destruction. It is one day at a time.
I cannot believe how timely and spot-on this video is. "Cranky", the overly sweet tone, dad doesn't want people in the house, "deep down he loves us all", "you've always made things harder on yourself".... My parents have just started a huge drama after I parked my car in front of their house for a few days and they went through everything in it without my permission; they are now giving me the cold shoulder after not approving of certain things I had in my car. My sister told me my mom called her to talk to her about it, which is the only reason I know why they've been suddenly so standoffish with me. I'm 24 years old and the dysfunction and lack of any real communication NEVER ends, even after I've distanced myself from them as much as I have. Patrick, your videos never cease to amaze me and I'm so grateful this one was released when it was, it was absolutely what I needed. Thank you for being so healing and for validating the experiences of the broken child that is a part of so many of us.
Lol the old “personality clash” excuse. Conflict between an abuser and a traumatized child is just a difference in personality. It’s really “no one’s fault.” 😬
@@MaryIsEatingAnApple Hot take: people from different age groups regularly get along. And especially older people should have the maturity and compassion to love and guide younger people- ESPECIALLY THEIR OWN KIDS THAT’S THEIR WHOLE JOB
This is so very close to what I am currently experiencing with my mother and covert rage duo narcissistic father. My mother does all of the things that the mom in this role play does PLUS she gets defensive, then attacks me, then also tells me to “stop living in the past” and “get over it” and then she cries about how she is “always in the middle” between me and my dad. Nowhere does she come close to validating my experience. She also once told me when I was a teen (I am 54 now and went NoContact in 2020), that her “only purpose in life is to keep him (my father) from killing himself.” She’d send me, as a little kid (only child) to go in and “just talk to him” when he was giving us the silent treatment. Silent treatment often went on for weeks. It was terrifying as a child to be sent into a room with him to try and talk him into talking to me. To justify my existence and to basically grovel. It is like a double Whammy now, knowing that she was a huge part of the problem. It feels like I am unmoored. In any event, thank you for this channel. Your work is very helpful.
The realization that my mom had just as much guilt in how aweful things were for me as a child sent me reeling too. I'm 39 and had always thought of my mom as a very careing and loving person because of how she comforted me and "protected" me from my father when he was raging, throwing tantrums, giving the silent treatment..., but I never realized the truth of the mater was that my mom kept me in that situation! She stayed with a man who was abusive and trained her kids to appease him instead of training us by example that getting away is the best way to protect ones children. She always says she stayed to protect us because he threatened to get the kids from her and tell a court how horrible she was in order to destroy any chance to get us kids. But to stay and train us how to stay was just as damaging to us kids. My mom now is beginning to understand her role and has apollogised, I now work on having a relationship with my father that is limited and I do not give in to his manipulative behavior. As I see how well this works I can't help but feel angry that my mom could not have done the same thing. I still struggle with the emotional confusion of thinking "she did her best.." While knowing her best was totally insufficient.
@@suzannep She couldn’t stay and if she left, the courts would take the children. I’ve read and seen what happens to women and their children, when a narc father tries to fight the mom for the kids, that she actually cares about and he tries to take them just to spite her. Tell me what should your mom have done with however many kids there were in your family. It’s easy for women right? You’re working with your dad but how about mom, who didn’t want to be in that situation but felt helpless.
Sorry you had to go through that. It sounds so close to what my mother did to me and my brother. "Just go apologize" and then we would listen for up to 6 hours as he raged and calmed him down and assured him he is loved respected and admired. Then again the next day and the next. He also threatened to kill himself and even hung a noose in the doorway for us to look at and went on hunger strikes and silent treatment, until we grovelled and assured him that he is the best dad and that we need him and his advice and help and opinions. :(
@@nschone7492 One of my earliest memories was running home from the bus stop, hurrying to get home, wondering if this was the day my dad would be hanging from the ceiling - he threatened suicide all the time and as a child it was terrifying to me. I did not know at the time, of course, that all his threats of suicide were utter bullshit. I’m sorry you experienced something so very similar. I think that’s what I find so helpful on this channel and others, like Dr. Ramani - knowing that what I thought was a problem in my family alone, is actually (sadly) a pattern that plays out in many households.
i would love, love, love a role play example on a codependent mother who is codependent with her daughter. im having such a hard time putting up boundaries so any info would helpful!
When the “healthy mother” checked in, apologized, and took responsibility, I actually started laughing because the idea of hearing that come out of my mom’s mouth is so absurd! There’s no way she’d do that. Geez, I can’t even imagine it 😂
This is so accurate to my mom! She always makes excuses for my abusive step dad. I am now 27 and moved out at 19 to escape the dysfunctional family. I only have to deal with his crap at holidays.. and i even skip some of those gatherings to save my sanity. I feel sorry for my mom but also I don’t because she left him once over his abusive behavior only to get back with him after 6 months 🙄😐
Do you know my parents?! Wow this is almost identical to how my mother and father behave, then my mother blames it on me when I put boundaries on his toxic behavior. Thank you for helping me feel like I’m not alone.
Exact same and it’s weird. It’s like y’all were human…that’s fine but I can objectively say I’d drop friends for actions my parents did…so it’s okay to leave them where they are
what's sad is when within your family, you have a codependent mom and you end up adopting the same type of behaviours as her : staying out of the way to try to avoid setting off the so-called "dad-bomb" and trying to help keep everything together. then feeling like you're not able to confront anyone due to huge fears of "shaking the apple cart" so to speak. and the saddest of all, i think, is knowing that my mother's childhood was so messed up and abusive that in comparison, the abuse my father would dish out to her and us would seem like absolutely nothing to her. it's heartbreaking. Thank you for these videos, I've only watched three so far but they have helped me understand better my behaviours and mostly one of my siblings' behaviours who is dealing with severe mental illnesses and ptsd as a result of what happened to her within our family and outside of it.
"He gets abusive..." "Jeez youve got a lot to learn about marriage" 💀 Really though, the wording on this is all so well picked to capture most every trope, very well done
Like, if you respond to "abusive" with "that's just marriage", you should probably rethink that. Think that if your daughter was telling you her boyfriend was abusive, would you defend him too, or tell her to leave? Defend yourself like you would want to defend your kids.
‘He provided for us all these years and where would any of us be without him’ - Makes me want to throw up because that’s so familiar. And makes me feel guilty and ashamed.
I had a narcissistic guardian and these excuses poured out of her family's mouths when i tried to talk to them about her abusive behavior. Another common one for me was, "Oh Amanda. She is just a hothead. She still loves you."
its really hard talking to a mother about the fathers abuse without feeling like you are hurting her feelings because deep down i know its not her fault
I read some very wise words once that I have remembered ever since: “If you have one ‘good’ parent and one ‘bad’ parent and your ‘good’ parent fails to protect you from your ‘bad’ parent, you have two bad parents.”
The “mother” sounds as my father (and his sister, my aunt). “You must understand your mother. She just is like that. She always thinks good about you... how can you be so terrible to her...? You must understand your mother!”
The onion dip😂😂 oh God. On a serious note...today I actually learnt what codependency actually is. I had read so much on it but never actually got it, till today. These videos are fantastic learning tools. Thank you so much ❤️
THIS is my parents and my life growing up. Especially being told things throughout my life, word for word, like "You always makes things so much harder on yourself." As if a 5 year old is 100% responsible for antagonizing her father and needs to work on it.... I went no contact with my entire immediate family a year ago, and I'm still unpacking what life is like without them dumping on me while ignoring me at their whim. It's pretty liberating, but also appalling. I felt literally sick to my stomach for most of this video. So real for me. Patrick, thank you for making these role-playing videos. It hits so hard to hear the words as they actually get said, rather than just telling the story.
I think the childhood trauma is what causes this tbh. It's the fear of being rejected, being abused, being left that they developed from their childhood. My mom had a lot of trauma herself that she refused to admit until she discovered her father had cheated on her mother and she had a half-sister. Then it was like a pot boiling over and she was an absolute wreck of sadness, anger, and disappointment in her childhood for a while. I felt bad for her, but like, I also had some fights with her about how she brought some of her problems back onto us. I couldn't stand being told any longer that I was the cause of my own personal trauma.
I am so thankful for this video. I am just (62) really starting to understand the damage my codependent mother did to me. Although my recovered alcoholic father divorced her years ago, she is another relationship and quite frankly I feel she is the very same. We don’t know for sure what her new relationship is because she keeps trying to tell us how wonderful he is but we see someone who is controlling and selfish. She keeps telling us how wonderful he is and that she doesn’t know what she would do without him. Because of this we three adult children are pulling away, but still worry about her.
I feel so heard, thank you so much! I have been in the first role play so many times growing up and I have had my fill. I am still learning how to become the empowered daughter, but I am getting there. My mom is very codependant and exhibits covert narcissistic tendencies as well. I was so worried about going no contact with her, and now that I am, I feel so free to be out of such a toxic dynamic. Your videos are changing my life in ways I never thought possible. The role play videos are genius! Watching other psychoeducation channels are also helpful, but sometimes I feel like i'm being talked at. Seeing the examples help me relate the content to my own life and show me that I can have healthy relationships. I'm looking forward to you clinical analysis!
I was very scared to disengage with my mom, since she was the only parent I was talking to, but after I did, my life improved 1000000%! And the best part is my friends were fully aware of my decision and stepped up to be even MORE supportive than ever! Soooo grateful for my friends and I finally feel like I have people who care about me without me having to prove myself or act a certain way. Good luck! It will be painful but worth it! Remember you’re not alone and you can get through it!!!!!
This is my mother-in-law. We took in our niece about a year ago because her mother was abusing her (i.e., starving her, wouldn't take her to school, etc). At 13 years old, my niece didn't know how to add 7+3. Thankfully, she moved in with us. However, my MIL constantly enables my SIL (nieces' mother) and refuses to acknowledge the abuse. My MIL recently sent a text asking us WHEN are we going to drive our niece up north so she can "visit her mom." You mean the woman who abused her?? She refuses to accept that her daughter did anything wrong. It's maddening.
With that it may have been an idea to say ok sure dad as you are the only one who can handle your mother then remain that. I won't be around anymore to see or hear it. Goodbye.
This showed me how my codependent dad used to act about my narcissistic mom. It was so hard to see as a child, but now it makes perfect sense why I was so confused. I kept trying to win my dad's approval because he was always enabling my mom and leaving us kids hanging. I was scapegoated for sensing the truth, and my father passed away early probably due to all of the energy my mother drained from him (which she's now doing with another man). Now I've transcended both of them and can see how toxic my family system became due to intergenerational trauma.
Completely fascinating. My mother is a codependent, she's told me that her parents once asked her who she liked best and she still feels the shame to this day of saying her mother. She said that she worked out that she would be most hurt if she said father.... I've also got codependency issues having lived with an emotionally abusive narcissist for over 30 years. I'm trying to work it all out. Thank you Patrick...
Omg…this reminded me of my grandma and my ex mother in law. My grandma (RIP) always enabled my uncles and my dad’s dysfunctional behaviors , but she wouldn’t blame anyone else for it…she would take the blame for herself and would say that that was her responsibility and burden to carry. And my ex mother in law would accept that her husband was wrong, she would never blame others and she would confront him, yet she would keep enabling him by submitting to him at the end and by never leaving him. Hence, her son grew up to be a violent and abusive man like his stepfather cuz she allowed the abuse to happen for years. Finally, I divorced her son and he got arrested for domestic violence. It has taken me years of therapy to start the healing journey since he wasn’t my first abusive relationship, but he was the last straw and what made me realize how codependent and emotionally dysregulated I was due all the extreme abuse I endured for many years. Now I’ve been on a functional and healthy relationship for 10 years. I’m not a codependent anymore. 🙏♥️✨
The "rambling" at the end about the mother was the best bit - I loved the assessment that they're "morally superior" - someone who denies that there's anything wrong or shameful with them and so you feel like you must be the arsehole.
How sad to hear an abused woman try to navigate these things. I hope Mom has a "Go Bag" so she can leave quickly if the abuse gets physical! Great acting the very different vibes between healthy vs codependent! I agree that we shouldn't comment "Just leave - just stop calling the narcissist". But I think for those of us who escaped (I moved out at 15) it's painful to watch someone else be mistreated. I want to yell "You don't deserve this - I'll help you find a new apartment"! Lol
I felt like I was listening to my mother talk to me about my dad, especially "You've always made things harder for yourself with him." Had to take a moment to recover. My mom used to translate for my father, saying how much he cares for us, and how he feels and why he does the things he does, but it NEVER came from my dad and I realized my mom was trying to cover up her own shame by lying and believing her lies about all the reasons dad didn't know how to properly control his anger, or process his emotions with us, or even tell us/show us that he loved and supported us,
Seeing the empowered daughter not only helped me realize how far I’ve come over the years, but also helped me get rid of the “should I have done this” weird feeling from setting ANOTHER boundary recently. Thank you for these! They help even more than I think you know.
Thank you for posting this! I felt enlightened at the first moment you mentioned a codependent mother protecting a rageful father as I realised it was so very familiar to me. It also reminds me of the rescuer-victim dynamic in the drama triangle video.
This pattern is what I grew up with and I was the protector of my silent, child-like mother. I also ended up with a toxic narcissist husband, but I left him because I wanted my daughter to know that I was not going to put up with his behavior any longer towards her and towards me.
Wow! After watching this I feel like you were spying on my childhood 😂 But seriously, thank you for your extremely valuable content. It has been very helpful.
Question is: Is the mother really an innocent co-dependent or just a very sneaky Covert Narcissist? It's difficult to tell the difference, but I suppose it doesn't really matter. It's damaging trying to rescue the 'innocent co-dependent', they're old enough to rescue themselves once given the information on narcissism.
This was my mom. I cried when I watched and heard the healthy mother part 😔 I called her out years ago and said she was an enabler. She looked like she already knew and didn’t care to change. She was okay with that.
Whenever my dad gets angry, it's my fault according to my mom -- and I'm the problem and she wouldn't even have a conversation like this. She always shuts me down. So the last time she was reaching out to speak to me I shut her down and just told her i love her and didn't address her "I thought you wanted to talk on the phone on a regular basis" plea
Holy crap. The part about “loving the good in people” is my mom to a T. Whenever I criticize her crack addict husband she tells me “I didn’t raise you this way!! I can see the good in people!” Omg it infuriates me when she tries to guilt me for not liking a narc drug addict or wanting him in my home!
If she can see the good in people she should volunteer with an organization that helps addicts, that's a beautiful thing to do. As it is It's like if someone had a broken leg and you decided to set it yourself instead of taking them to the hospital and then while they wailed in pain at home in the bed and infection set in told everyone that doing this for them was a sign of how much you loved them.
Let's remember that NPD and BPD are highly codependent disorders. Just for anyone who might mistakenly believe they are mutually exclusive. They're not. Not intended as criticism, by the way. One can also be /only/ codependent. Cheers.
Mine is the codependent mother (‘he’s your dad, look at all the things he’s done for you! Sent you to a good school, provided financially for us etc...’) but she also recognises his toxic behaviour. But still... does not leave. It’s so absurd. How can someone SEE that someone is an abusive a-hole but still not leave?? I’ve cut off all contact with my father as a way of coping. Blocked his number, make no eye contact etc. I often ask her if my husband spoke to me like that if she’d support me staying. ‘Absolutely not!’ is the response. So why don’t you do that for yourself? Breaks my heart.
The explanation of compartmentalization helps me understand my parents. They both had violent fathers and suffer from trauma, but they appear VERY put-together, and tend to shame me for not being put-together.
The feeling of satisfaction and relief I felt when the “mom” apologized for not protecting the daughter. 😭😭😭 I’m so grateful my father has changed his ways and no longer rages. My mother, however, still has a LOT of codependency and has developed her own narcissistic behavior.
Ok, but what’s it like when you have two codependent parents? Mostly nice but defend each other and everyone else all the time in bad behavior. Like I just wasn’t ever supposed to feel hurt by or sensitive to anything from anyone. It was always better to see it as my fault-and I think they thought everything was their fault too. I’m still sometimes confused why I found their behavior hurtful because they were also so damn nice! It makes me feel ungrateful (they’ve never accused me of being ungrateful, though they do ask why I won’t just get along if I question any behavior of anyone in the family). I feel like while it seems worse I understand the codependent/narcissist relationship better than the codependent/codependent.
I think this was my parents as well, it’s like they took turns being the narcissist and the codependent. They both raged, and it was their way or the highway. And I’m an only child so everything was usually my fault, and I was always the one who was too sensitive.
@@charlie5115 Yeah, I think I see a little of that, but I don't think they're actually have NPD. Just, a little narcissistic like most people and always had each other's backs if they were behaving poorly. My parents didn't really get mad, ever. I just always felt inferior because I wanted to talk about problems and point them out. I used to think of myself as having a serious anger problem. But in normal society...I'm still often the most passive and peaceful in the room. They had me convinced that I LIKE to fight. I don't, I just don't like pretending nothing is wrong.
recently had an epiphany about my own family dynamic, took me 20 years, much of it completely depressed. Neither of my parents are narcissistic but my dad is very rageful and emotionally disconnected. He makes most of the money, keeps it in his own bank account, shames or gaslights my sister and I when we express anger or discomfort. He also tends to infantilize me and uses material giving as a way of compensating for what he is unable to give me emotionally. Had a conversation with my parents the other day about emotional neglect and my mom almost immediately broke down into tears, as if she had been mulling the same thing over for my entire life, whereas he was completely lost. He said that he was confused, asked, “hey are you in a good place right now?” and proceeded to ask me if I “wanted to live alone”. Ouch. I believe that he was emotionally neglected as a child to the extent that he genuinely can’t see whats wrong with our family dynamic or his controlling and often emotionally manipulative behavior because of how his working-class, immigrant (which was an important thing to recognize for me) parents treated him. My sister is “crabby” when she gets angry, i am “overreacting” or “overly sensitive”. He resents us and relentlessly guilts us for our flaws, for me my forgetfulness and for my sister her picky eating habits. I think that i was trained to accommodate his rage and emotional avoidance from a young age by my mom, and the way I did it was by burying my own emotions. She lost both of her parents at my age and I think became very dreamy, absent, and overly-agreeable as a coping mechanism, never really dealing with that grief. This emotional neglect has been tough on me, especially as a man, because of my highly sensitive and empathic nature. I spent much of my adolescence resenting myself for having such strong emotions. These days i struggle with trust in relationships, my sexuality, excessive self-doubt, reward, and a general feeling of emptiness despite being talented and successful for somebody my age. Just wanted to share because of how invisible and tricky-to-spot childhood emotional neglect can be. I only realized after id been away at college for the second year after my first year was dominated by a narcissistic relationship. Living in an emotionally void but materially comfortable household can wreak havoc on your self-perception, especially when everyone from the outside looking in is always telling you how great you have it. Keep working, keep healing.
They were likely both raised in a family with one codependent parent. I notice some codependent behaviours in myself, for example, but I'm working on it. They really need to talk and face their flaws in order to work on them, but that's gonna be hard unless someone else pushes them into it.
I‘m 21 years old…and I just realized that i was not the „heartless“ one when arguing with my mom about my dad. I tried as much as possible to be honest and logical to get finally seen, but I was the one limiting contact to my emotions by thinking, „ I‘m the assehole“ hurting them by only talking about my emotions and thoughts… just because they‘ve told me all the time. I had a hard time realizing how such things affected me, but it helped me so bad. Thanks for your videos. The first time seeing how healthy connections should be. That really helps me to realize that my emotions are never out of place. I can trust myself.
Healthy mother brought me to tears. Trying to explain to your kids that we are leaving because the way things are aren’t good is an extremely tough conversation. We did leave. But they were teenagers. The trauma was already there. The damage was already done. Recovery was very very slow. Lots of anger and resentment. Poor choices. Cycles repeated. Ten years later and we are still feeling the effects. It’s better. Much better. But still lots of work to do.
Yes! My mother was like this. Had trauma from having my older sister out of wedlock in Ireland. Very traumatic! She was totally dissociated. Very sad. Yes I fallen prey to this too but I'm seeingba therapist now. Dad was very narcissistic and aggressive.
I was codependent. One night, my ex husband was in a rage and my middle daughter heard him hit the leather couch I was sitting on. It made a very loud thwack noise. She panicked and started texting friends thinking I was dead 😭. She was going to call the police. I was just quiet and scared. I went down to check on her not too long after. She was sobbing hysterically and telling me I needed to leave, that he was abusive, that this wasn't normal, etc. My response was awful. I told her she was overreacting and was just a very sensitive person. I told her it was normal. I told her it wasn't that bad. I excused him. I was upset she told her friends. I forbid her from calling the cops. I made his behavior possible for YEARS. I feel terrible that I did that. It wasn't my intention. I was trying to hold it together and really thought if I left, my kids would be alone with him, which was terrifying... I thought at least if I stayed, I could intervene. All I did was loads of more damage to them. I've apologized for my part in it all but I can't take back what I exposed them to. I can't go back and give my daughter the validation she needed. I've been working hard to be better going forward. That's all I can do. I gaslit my own daughter. I know 😔
It is true that the courts would have allowed him access to your daughter and be alone with her. Terrible situation to be in trying to protect your children under the same roof. When my sons father raged at his other son from a previous marriage, I left when he was 6 weeks old and was able to prevent unsupervised visits until he was 7. When my 13 year old son comes home from his dad visits, I debreif his visit, and am available through texting. There is a lot out there saying don't say bad things about the other parent. But what if they do bad things! So I limit my validating comments to the bad things he does to his son or what his son witnesses and don't talk about the bad things the father did to me, so my son knows I can take care of myself. Patrick is the only youtuber that gives clear modelling of what a healthy parent would do which I have found valuable to break the intergenerational pattern.
You’re an awesome mom. You’re so much wiser and stronger than most to accept responsibility and try to make it right. I hope you can repair your relationships going forward.
My mother used to tell us to just ignore our dad's temper tantrums and silent treatments. We were children!! Her coping mechanisms were really bad and could never work for us. We didn't understand. Thanks for this.
You are a terrific teacher. Your role plays are just so clear and accurate to people's real life experience. I have learnt so much from you and it has really improved my life. Thank you and I look forward to your future videos.
This is my mother just add in “you don’t know all I’ve put up with, I only stayed with him so YOU wouldn’t come from a broken home!! I’ve dealt with him all for you!!”
Anyone else laugh at the healthy mother? Like I laughed as a trauma response because it’s so utterly ironic to think any mother would be that way. Sending love to all of you. Thanks so much for this video and for helping us all heal.
yes! my mother is codependent with my narcissist malingering sister, and i had to move overseas to get away from them both. i have no idea what to say or do with either one of them anymore.
I almost cried when I heard the healthy part. In real I lost my mom and granny over protecting the deep-down-lover. I am also trying not to lose my younger sister who is there with them in the same house again
My parents got together out of wedlock in a very conservative and strict culture so my mom had a lot of shame around getting pregnant and viewed my dad as her savior for marrying her and making it legitimate. She's spent her whole life picking up after him, literally and emotionally, anticipating his every need, and "handling" the aftermath if she missed something. The normal scenario ending in a divorce really hits home for me, by the time I was a young teen I secretly wished my parents would get divorced. I still sometimes have dreams where they get divorced and both end up being happier because of it. This whole video was extremely validating to watch, thank you 💕
You are so awesome Mr.Teahan! WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY IS A TRUE STORY: This is how I started being woke to get moved out with our kids, Therapy, divorce and now our young one is over 18! SO NO CONTACT WITH MY EX and I'm lovin my life!!! This video you posted, sadly was me, the co-dependent, rescuing mother, sugar coating all my ex husband's scary outbursts in front of our small children or extended family "no, honey, you did nothing wrong. Dad's not mad at you, he just having a bad day." I felt I was better off being a buffer, protector mom comforting them and reassuring them how much they were loved. Come 3rd grade I had to pick up our oldest daughter from school. (light bulb moment here) Husband calls and screams at mom. 8 year old daughter literally says "Mom, he is abusing you, you need to leave him" as I'm racing home (because he is so pissed about something). I told my daughter "Honey, I'm not being abused. Dad had a rough childhood and has a lot of emotional issues" I covered up for their dad's bad behavior for 18 years. Now to the future: 4 days from our daughter's high school graduation party I was prepping, he decided he was going to keep me on the phone for 3 days hiding from me and giving me play by play rundown of the suicide he was doing in real time, he said I didn't love him because I was spending too much time planning her graduation party. He tried to pretend to kill himself in his car, on a walking/bike trail, by building a hibachi and placing it in his car and lighting it for the carbon monoxide poisoning while explaining it on the phone to me . He took 20 xanax and laid down beside his car on some neighborhood walking trail and he was snoozing like a little baby. In the morning, the retired people were walking around him watching him sleep with the inside of his car burned up by a burned out hibachi . When police found him he got a 72 hour hold in the psychiatric hospital. HE WAS SO MAD I AIN'T KIDDING YOU. Where does he go directly when he is dismissed? OUR DAUGHTER's GRADUATION PARTY. His father picked him up and brought him there. He was stumbling around, sad faced and crying like no one loved him etc. It was sooooo embarrassing. I had friends and family coming up to me saying I'm so sorry honey etc. He didn't ever see his bad behavior took away from our daughter nor did he ever apologize for his behavior for his fake suicide, just for attention. 3 weeks later ............. I left and never looked back. I married him at 17. I spent way to long apologizing for his arrogance, his temper, his screaming and his immoral behavior. He made me apologize to his mistress when I was 24. Yep, I did that too, because one of my co-workers mentioned it to his mistress and she and he got offended. Thank you for letting me ramble. I'm re-living in your videos. But in a good way. :-}
This really resonates with me. It's not a healthy situation but it makes me happy realising that I wasn't wrong feeling that something wasn't right. I kept saying how unhealthy the situation is but in their eyes I was the one being too sensitive about it.
He's abusive mom. Boundaries is a great book and was part of the beginning help I found back in the 1980s, I think, with my family and my own marriage. My mom defended and loved, missed my abusive dad right up to her dying day. She always defended her alcoholic, cheating, divorced from my grandmother father too. I never realized this was another form of abuse towards me. I just thought mom was co-dependent and in denial. Thank you for these videos.
it's always jarring watching the healthy version in these roleplays... not at all like the behavior that was normalized in my family. I find myself feeling suspicious--where's the hidden trap, the verbal knife that you know is coming after the sweet words. Love the empowered roleplays because they are so reassuring that I'm not doing something wrong.
OOUF! This is exactly how I would act with my ex. He would behave awfully, I would be like the mother defending him and almost feeling proud that I KNEW HIM BEST and unlike other people. I eventually snapped and got sick of him and his manipulations, and I just let him embarrass himself, and I finally dumped him. He tried for months to harrass me and try to lure me back with statements like "only you understand me" and "you're the only one I have", bullshit like that. OFC I was the only one he had, he acted horribly.
"Deep down he loves us" = can't control himself = emotionally or physically abusive person. If someone loves you they don't abuse you, there is no deep down.
He should love outwardly
Yep. They believe words and ignore the actions of the abuser.
Abusers do not do love.
It's impossible to abuse someone who you love.
I would say that someone who have love inside of them is not able to abuse anyone.
They “may have a deep conviction of utter badness disguised by a persona that is..poorly integrated” that’s from Judith Herman’s book about diagnosing borderline personality.
How come it's not him saying it then why is the mom his spokesperson for that
Could you do a role play on: when you try to talk to your mother about your struggles or mental health and she turns it around saying she has the same struggle but worse than you and the child ends up consoling them instead of the child's struggle being acknowledged?
Oof this happened to me. I'm looking for therapy for a possible dissociative disorder (brought to my attention by my sister and husband years ago but I ignored them for a long time) I briefly mentioned to her once(though I have no clue why) and then I made a joke to my mostly my brother about people in my head (I got my dad's humor coping mechanism lol) and my mother went on a fifteen minutes tirade of how all these things that she has that's not did mind you I NEVER told her what symptoms I had or any in depth conversation on how I think or what's going on. for very good reasons. So she just straight up assumed we think the exact same(which isn't abnormal I was always the "golden child" so she's always I guess saw me as an extension of her) I get more grateful every day that my dad had custody and only had to deal with her for weekends and holidays.
I was diagnosed with BPD and when I attempted to tell my mother she mocked me and said that she had a problem too... but shes always taken away my right to need help and feel hurt...
Ohhh my gosshhhh this was described so well! So sad that it's this common, but we are here to grow!
Is there room for one more on this thread? Because this is exactly how my mom is with me :(
@@holyghostfire9568 Nobody deserves to be born to somebody with a Cluster B personality *who is not seeking help.* I hope you are successful in caring for yourself in all the ways that she could not. The good news is, BPD has the highest successful treatment rate among the Cluster B personalities. Particularly with CBT. You have every reason to believe that, with effort, you can become for yourself (and others) everything that your mother refused to.
The healthy mother...that blows my mind. That scenario is utterly foreign to me.
I hardcore recognize the codependent talk from my own mother, but I also recognize the healthy mother from more recently. I'm honestly proud of her development, even though I'm the child.
I often find myself defending my father and his family because of all the defense I've heard from her in the past, but I'm working on it myself. He has his own traumas, but that doesn't excuse his intolerant behaviors.
Same here... We just keep repeating the cycle of trauma. I'm breaking these chains... I want my kids to have a better chance. 🤍
Christine Same here. Never in a million years would my mom apologize genuinely for my childhood and her role in things. I was always blamed for everything.
@Sarah Marie honestly, just hearing the healthy mother’s version was quite therapeutic for me.
It seems impossible to have a healthy mother. It's like having a mother out of fairy tale.
"You know how your Dad is" really resonated with me. Heard that too many times...:-(
same
Same
Going through this and its come to a point we are no longer speaking
moms dad is usually like that and she's still a little girl people pleasing and enabling the man
translation "I have learned to suppress my own dignity to appease his tantrums and so should you"
“Ok maybe it’s me”. The anthem of all abused children. Internalizing the idea that YOU are the problem when you are not is crazy making! I love your videos, especially highlighting the healthy mother. I cannot imagine what my life would be like with a family that was healthy and supportive.
Me too...
I replay the healthy mother part just because it's so comforting. Another excellent example by Patrick Teahan because the codependent mom seems so nice like she is not doing anything wrong. I never would have gotten what was wrong unless the scene was played out and explained from the different angles.
Same! How do you not play the victim but also acknowledge that having abusive people in your life for 35 years pouring their toxins into you hasn't devastated and directed your life?
Couldn't agree more. I come from the same background - codependent mother, narcissistic father. Despite his rages, it has always been my fault. I remember there was this one time when my mother acknowledged my perspective and showed genuine understanding (obviously not in front of the father, but still). This one simple gesture was unbelievably empowering. It was like an injection of optimism and self-confidence or like someone just gave me wings. Having that on regular basis must be like going through life with jet propulsion.
@@joshuataylor6087 play the victim Joshua. Because you, me and millions of others scapegoats are that. Victims. It's ok to play the victim when you really are the victim unlike a narc who plays the victim when they aren't.
Ahh the "You know how he is" and "you don't understand marriage" and "he's done so much for us" and "i understand him" and "no one perfect" and "he loves you deep down" all stabbed me in heart
But they never tell anyone eles “you know how they are “ about you !!!😂😂LOL
@@chigirllchigirll Or if they do it's in the worse possible way
@@PARADOXsquared yep
That statement triggered me. I had an abusive manager and their boss said that to me (You know how he is.) after I approached him on the abuse my manager was perpetrating on me. I left the job almost immediately.
“This is my responsibility now, I don’t want you to have to take care of me that my job.” Felt good to hear it if it wasn’t even from my own mother.
SAME
BRUH SAME
Same!
I didn’t know I needed to hear it until the tears started flowing!
Thought that my mother would NEVER say such thing
“You’re taking it the wrong way” “you’re too sensitive” “why are you always having to analyze? Stop it” “stop criticizing me”
🙌🏽Word!!
I’ve heard all of these verbatim. Knocked the wind out of me.
Lol, I was totally triggered. So happy to be rewiring my brain and teaching my body differently.
It feels silly but i get tearful when you enact the healthy mom.
I know..😊
You are not alone. I feel stupid but I almost can't wait until he gets to that part. It's incredible to think healthy parents exist.
Me too
@@cynthiahoward2285 hugs. 💜 I hope you can find healing!
100% crying during the healthy mom part.
Jesus these scenarios are so triggering and validating at the same time.
“It’s cute when he gets cranky it’s like a little boy needing a nap” 🤮
that line sounded so creepy to me not gonna lie lol
This is a good representation of how a person who is the victim of narcissistic abuse (the mother) can contribute to someone else's abuse. I'm curious what other people think about this.
@@FionavanDahl it's very hard to get the message that everything is crazy, because you, a helpless child, were somehow "doing it wrong".
@@FionavanDahl this is I agree where the major and more long lasting confusion and pain comes from and it's worse than the issue at hand yet the guilt we feel for that person keeps us in the game! Making us a victim as well.... its not right!! I had this all my life yet 'we have to understand the narc'!! Ruins our lives 🙋🙋
I believe that the mother is a narc enabler.
The mother is operating from fear if she justifies the father's behaviour she can excuse her own and convince herself she's not co dependant
@@FionavanDahl Took an awful lot of inner strength. 🙏🏻
Omg this mother’s manipulation and rationalization is so real and it gives me chills....
I’m 57 and have never heard what healthy sounded like until Patrick started these role plays. It’s helped me be a better mom to my adult children - I was an abuse enabler of their dad for 30 years, as was my mother before me. I also never heard what empowered actually sounded like. And looked like (thanks to Patrick’s facial expressions). I went NC with family of origin, but have learnt so much seeing what an empowered response is. Forever grateful!
All we want from our parents is accountability (like acknowledging that you did not protect us like you should have) and acceptance (what can you do now to repair our relationship)! Glad to see someone doing the work! I wish my mom would do this but she’s still dealing with her own hurt from her parents’ abuse and all the other trauma she experienced.
You're not alone friend.
Good on ya. I had to cut off my mom yesterday cause she couldn't be real with me about the abuse she was responsible for as well, and tried to blame me and make excuses for what she did to me as a child and I just couldn't handle it anymore. Hopefully you learn enough to avoid losing your kids respect
My mom was definitely an abuse enabler
I'm 56, my mom is a great enabling flying monkey poss vuln narc totally supports father no Matter what. If my mom had done what you're doing I'd have respect for her
Every time he does a parent apology in these skits, I get teary-eyed. Not once has my mom apologized to me for any of the awful behavior that led to my mental health issues, even when I brought it up directly.
"Why are we talking about this?"... THAT PART.
My mom is a genius at changing the subject, an absolute genius. Even now, I still fall for it half the time.
Always felt mom’s concessions had everything to do with financial dependency. As related to narcissists, you’ve got have your own funds, or you’re hugely vulnerable.
I thought that too, but the kids are grown and my mom has a job, but she still stays.
@@MoralGovernment You become so mentally and emotionally drained, there’s no energy or “will” left to even contemplate leaving. The mental imprisonment is real.
My experience : the codependent part of my family always asked ME to have empathy for the abuser (my NPD mother) saying "you have to understand her, she had a bad and very difficult life". "Just do what she says/asks you to...". That's cowardice, in my opinion. My father just fought with her and left.
My mom's words are always just "but understand his pov". Mom, i do, but that doesn't f ing justify his behaviors and all of the abuse.
"(they) had it worse, (they) just dont know how to be a parent. theres no handbook on parenting u know," its not an excuse they should know being abusive isnt ok. there are literal parenting books its a whole genre of books.
@@anahitamirzarazi4424 It's the delusional, in-denial codependents who don't understand the abuser's POV, really.
Wow, I can't imagine having a healthy mother, it feels so unreal to watch this. This is my exact scenario, co-dependent mom and father with anger issues, but just in private. Also my mom has a really bad relationship with herself, which often projects to our mom-daughter relationship.Thanks for the video Patrick, it really helps
Same here...
Lol join the club
The privately angry ones are the worst, and you know that most people wouldn't believe it because their public persona is the inverse. I managed to attract a boyfriend the same!
@@jennytaylor3324 this is my husband to the t.
Same. It’s very off-putting to see what healthy parents would look like. I truly have no idea. It’s so foreign.
Ok 1. This hit really close to home
2. I would cry tears of joy and pinch myself to make sure i'm not dreaming if i had the second role play scenario with my mom
3. Your acting is fucking phenomenal. Unbelievable
Omg the onion dip line actually made me burst out in laughter
"Everything's fine" circumstance.
@@obsidian9998 everything's always fine even when the world's on fire
First scenario did the same for me. Wow. Dooo do dooo do
Ditto LOL
I wasn’t sold if I fit the empowered daughter role until the onion dip line BINGO!! 😂😂
This is my mother. She feels like she is the nicest person in the world like mother Theresa (her words). I can't win with her, she's always right. She never protected me against my dad, she acts like she's so normal, and I have wondered if she was a covert narc. Your so spot on. Thank you for making me realize that getting upset and speaking out is not wrong but called being empowered. I'm seen as the problem daughter because I could never get along with my controlling abusive father. It's very depressing and agonizing growing up without a mother-because she was too busy taking care of my narcissistic father. She dumped me when I stopped listening to her complain after 20 years, and when I called her out on feeling invisible. It's very upsetting.
I think my mother is both codependent and covert narcissistic. My mother is incredibly apathetic. I didn't know how to describe her when I was a kid but I said she was self involved but not selfish. She knew how to behave to act like she cared about others, but it wasn't sincere and she turned everything around back to herself and was extremely manipulative often using heavy guilt motivation. My father raged, much like in this role play, and she still goes between making excuses for him and blaming him for all her problems. He died in 2014. She's very childlike. I think she has a lot going on. I've never seen her better described than in videos on covert narcissist. Codependent was how I described my parents marriage. It was so toxic and they were both miserable. I often wish I'd walked away from him when I was younger.
This is an excellent description of my mother. My mother was sexually abused starting at the age of 5 and she was mentally stunted from that point.
Do we have the same mother?! OMG I cannot believe how much this describes my own mother.😭 it is impossible to deal with anymore.
Wow, I feel like I could have written that.
My thoughts exactly. Both of my parents are still alive. My husband only told me recently how uncomfortable it is going to their house. Watching the covert narcissist videos and this one… it’s like a huge lightbulb.
This sounds a lot like my mother. She, too, was sexually abused. She, too, seems emotionally very childlike. I started to really see it clearly when I had children of my own.
This describes my family so well. This made me feel better about being the “difficult” person.
Yes!!
This!!! 🙌👏🙌👏🙌👏!!!
@goddessofaphoenixserpent my life coach always tells me “the more you heal and the better you get- the more ‘they’ will push and the madder ‘they’ will get.”
I have been the codependent mother with a narcissistic husband for years. I am now divorcing the narc husband. I have had my head in the sand for years and enabled the bad behavior. I have a lot of repair to do with my adult children. When I started therapy, I started to peel back the layers of lies, take responsibility for my lies and admit my role in the family mess. The codependent mother and the narc father are a combination from hell. I am glad I finally see it so I can stop my role in it. I work daily to recognize and change my behavior to something healthier. I feel guilt for my role in this mess and that's pushes me to choose something better. I want to bring goodness to myself and others, not destruction. It is one day at a time.
You're Doing it Right Now and I am so Grateful We have Folks Like Patrick and Better Resources to Live the Life We Truly Believe in 💕✌👊
I cannot believe how timely and spot-on this video is. "Cranky", the overly sweet tone, dad doesn't want people in the house, "deep down he loves us all", "you've always made things harder on yourself"....
My parents have just started a huge drama after I parked my car in front of their house for a few days and they went through everything in it without my permission; they are now giving me the cold shoulder after not approving of certain things I had in my car. My sister told me my mom called her to talk to her about it, which is the only reason I know why they've been suddenly so standoffish with me. I'm 24 years old and the dysfunction and lack of any real communication NEVER ends, even after I've distanced myself from them as much as I have. Patrick, your videos never cease to amaze me and I'm so grateful this one was released when it was, it was absolutely what I needed. Thank you for being so healing and for validating the experiences of the broken child that is a part of so many of us.
Lol the old “personality clash” excuse. Conflict between an abuser and a traumatized child is just a difference in personality. It’s really “no one’s fault.” 😬
Here fucking here.
My mom used to say it's just an age gap. We are 40+ years apart, but I feel like she abuses this line too much.
@@MaryIsEatingAnApple Hot take: people from different age groups regularly get along. And especially older people should have the maturity and compassion to love and guide younger people- ESPECIALLY THEIR OWN KIDS THAT’S THEIR WHOLE JOB
“Your mother just has problems with empathy. I’m surprised your therapist lets you get so angry about this.”
"He just gets cranky"..... yep
This is so very close to what I am currently experiencing with my mother and covert rage duo narcissistic father. My mother does all of the things that the mom in this role play does PLUS she gets defensive, then attacks me, then also tells me to “stop living in the past” and “get over it” and then she cries about how she is “always in the middle” between me and my dad. Nowhere does she come close to validating my experience. She also once told me when I was a teen (I am 54 now and went NoContact in 2020), that her “only purpose in life is to keep him (my father) from killing himself.” She’d send me, as a little kid (only child) to go in and “just talk to him” when he was giving us the silent treatment. Silent treatment often went on for weeks. It was terrifying as a child to be sent into a room with him to try and talk him into talking to me. To justify my existence and to basically grovel. It is like a double
Whammy now, knowing that she was a huge part of the problem. It feels like I am unmoored. In any event, thank you for this channel. Your work is very helpful.
The realization that my mom had just as much guilt in how aweful things were for me as a child sent me reeling too. I'm 39 and had always thought of my mom as a very careing and loving person because of how she comforted me and "protected" me from my father when he was raging, throwing tantrums, giving the silent treatment..., but I never realized the truth of the mater was that my mom kept me in that situation! She stayed with a man who was abusive and trained her kids to appease him instead of training us by example that getting away is the best way to protect ones children. She always says she stayed to protect us because he threatened to get the kids from her and tell a court how horrible she was in order to destroy any chance to get us kids. But to stay and train us how to stay was just as damaging to us kids. My mom now is beginning to understand her role and has apollogised, I now work on having a relationship with my father that is limited and I do not give in to his manipulative behavior. As I see how well this works I can't help but feel angry that my mom could not have done the same thing. I still struggle with the emotional confusion of thinking "she did her best.." While knowing her best was totally insufficient.
@@suzannep She couldn’t stay and if she left, the courts would take the children. I’ve read and seen what happens to women and their children, when a narc father tries to fight the mom for the kids, that she actually cares about and he tries to take them just to spite her. Tell me what should your mom have done with however many kids there were in your family. It’s easy for women right? You’re working with your dad but how about mom, who didn’t want to be in that situation but felt helpless.
Sorry you had to go through that. It sounds so close to what my mother did to me and my brother. "Just go apologize" and then we would listen for up to 6 hours as he raged and calmed him down and assured him he is loved respected and admired. Then again the next day and the next. He also threatened to kill himself and even hung a noose in the doorway for us to look at and went on hunger strikes and silent treatment, until we grovelled and assured him that he is the best dad and that we need him and his advice and help and opinions. :(
@@nschone7492 One of my earliest memories was running home from the bus stop, hurrying to get home, wondering if this was the day my dad would be hanging from the ceiling - he threatened suicide all the time and as a child it was terrifying to me. I did not know at the time, of course, that all his threats of suicide were utter bullshit. I’m sorry you experienced something so very similar. I think that’s what I find so helpful on this channel and others, like Dr. Ramani - knowing that what I thought was a problem in my family alone, is actually (sadly) a pattern that plays out in many households.
I'm sorry for you all and pray you heal soon.
Omg, first scenario. . . my family of origin dynamics. Always told I was the problem of not understanding the dynamics. 🙄
How are you doing?
i would love, love, love a role play example on a codependent mother who is codependent with her daughter. im having such a hard time putting up boundaries so any info would helpful!
Me too! Struggling with this.
Have you checked out the book “how to do the work” by Dr Nicole LePera? She also has worksheets and journal prompts. Good luck on your journey!
I agree. Codependant and enmeshed with daughter. That would be helpful.
Yep, especially when the daughter is still a teenager whose livelihood still relying on you. Where is the line?
When the “healthy mother” checked in, apologized, and took responsibility, I actually started laughing because the idea of hearing that come out of my mom’s mouth is so absurd! There’s no way she’d do that. Geez, I can’t even imagine it 😂
Me too!! I always laugh at the parts where Patrick plays “the healthy parent” because I’m always thinking, “HA! As f$&@in’ if!!!!
😂👍
Oh same. Only thing she said " you were a difficult child" 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I know, right? Sad but true.
Sadness takes over when I hear the “healthy parent”
Such a good representation of the co-dependent mother.
This is so accurate to my mom! She always makes excuses for my abusive step dad. I am now 27 and moved out at 19 to escape the dysfunctional family. I only have to deal with his crap at holidays.. and i even skip some of those gatherings to save my sanity. I feel sorry for my mom but also I don’t because she left him once over his abusive behavior only to get back with him after 6 months 🙄😐
"Oh it's just the way he/she is" , "no one's perfect", "she/he loves you" DOUBLE EUGH! Great watching ...👏👏 Thanks Patrick
Do you know my parents?! Wow this is almost identical to how my mother and father behave, then my mother blames it on me when I put boundaries on his toxic behavior. Thank you for helping me feel like I’m not alone.
Thank u. This was my mom. I never understood if i loved her or hated her. Now it's neither. I really just.. understand now. Thank u sm Dr Teahan
OMG THIS. I neither love nor hate my parents, I just learned enough to understand them. This healed me so significantly.
Exact same and it’s weird. It’s like y’all were human…that’s fine but I can objectively say I’d drop friends for actions my parents did…so it’s okay to leave them where they are
what's sad is when within your family, you have a codependent mom and you end up adopting the same type of behaviours as her : staying out of the way to try to avoid setting off the so-called "dad-bomb" and trying to help keep everything together. then feeling like you're not able to confront anyone due to huge fears of "shaking the apple cart" so to speak. and the saddest of all, i think, is knowing that my mother's childhood was so messed up and abusive that in comparison, the abuse my father would dish out to her and us would seem like absolutely nothing to her. it's heartbreaking. Thank you for these videos, I've only watched three so far but they have helped me understand better my behaviours and mostly one of my siblings' behaviours who is dealing with severe mental illnesses and ptsd as a result of what happened to her within our family and outside of it.
I am going to rewatch the "Empowered Daughter" portions on a loop.
"He gets abusive..."
"Jeez youve got a lot to learn about marriage"
💀
Really though, the wording on this is all so well picked to capture most every trope, very well done
Like, if you respond to "abusive" with "that's just marriage", you should probably rethink that. Think that if your daughter was telling you her boyfriend was abusive, would you defend him too, or tell her to leave? Defend yourself like you would want to defend your kids.
‘He provided for us all these years and where would any of us be without him’ -
Makes me want to throw up because that’s so familiar. And makes me feel guilty and ashamed.
wait a sec, there are mothers like the healthy one out there??? for real kind of speechless on that.. thank you, wow
I had a narcissistic guardian and these excuses poured out of her family's mouths when i tried to talk to them about her abusive behavior. Another common one for me was,
"Oh Amanda. She is just a hothead. She still loves you."
its really hard talking to a mother about the fathers abuse without feeling like you are hurting her feelings because deep down i know its not her fault
I read some very wise words once that I have remembered ever since: “If you have one ‘good’ parent and one ‘bad’ parent and your ‘good’ parent fails to protect you from your ‘bad’ parent, you have two bad parents.”
As the owner of a grey Camry, I felt threatened. 😅😂
How are you doing 😊😊👋😊
Whatever you do, never park it at a baby shower! 😋
The “mother” sounds as my father (and his sister, my aunt). “You must understand your mother. She just is like that. She always thinks good about you... how can you be so terrible to her...? You must understand your mother!”
How are you doing 😊😊👋😊☺️
My situation as well.... 😔
YES. Same here !!!!
The onion dip😂😂 oh God. On a serious note...today I actually learnt what codependency actually is. I had read so much on it but never actually got it, till today. These videos are fantastic learning tools. Thank you so much ❤️
How are you doing?
THIS is my parents and my life growing up. Especially being told things throughout my life, word for word, like "You always makes things so much harder on yourself." As if a 5 year old is 100% responsible for antagonizing her father and needs to work on it....
I went no contact with my entire immediate family a year ago, and I'm still unpacking what life is like without them dumping on me while ignoring me at their whim. It's pretty liberating, but also appalling. I felt literally sick to my stomach for most of this video. So real for me.
Patrick, thank you for making these role-playing videos. It hits so hard to hear the words as they actually get said, rather than just telling the story.
Spot on. My mother is very much like this and has so much childhood trauma.
I think the childhood trauma is what causes this tbh. It's the fear of being rejected, being abused, being left that they developed from their childhood. My mom had a lot of trauma herself that she refused to admit until she discovered her father had cheated on her mother and she had a half-sister. Then it was like a pot boiling over and she was an absolute wreck of sadness, anger, and disappointment in her childhood for a while. I felt bad for her, but like, I also had some fights with her about how she brought some of her problems back onto us. I couldn't stand being told any longer that I was the cause of my own personal trauma.
I am so thankful for this video. I am just (62) really starting to understand the damage my codependent mother did to me. Although my recovered alcoholic father divorced her years ago, she is another relationship and quite frankly I feel she is the very same. We don’t know for sure what her new relationship is because she keeps trying to tell us how wonderful he is but we see someone who is controlling and selfish. She keeps telling us how wonderful he is and that she doesn’t know what she would do without him. Because of this we three adult children are pulling away, but still worry about her.
I feel so heard, thank you so much! I have been in the first role play so many times growing up and I have had my fill. I am still learning how to become the empowered daughter, but I am getting there. My mom is very codependant and exhibits covert narcissistic tendencies as well. I was so worried about going no contact with her, and now that I am, I feel so free to be out of such a toxic dynamic. Your videos are changing my life in ways I never thought possible. The role play videos are genius! Watching other psychoeducation channels are also helpful, but sometimes I feel like i'm being talked at. Seeing the examples help me relate the content to my own life and show me that I can have healthy relationships. I'm looking forward to you clinical analysis!
I was very scared to disengage with my mom, since she was the only parent I was talking to, but after I did, my life improved 1000000%! And the best part is my friends were fully aware of my decision and stepped up to be even MORE supportive than ever! Soooo grateful for my friends and I finally feel like I have people who care about me without me having to prove myself or act a certain way. Good luck! It will be painful but worth it! Remember you’re not alone and you can get through it!!!!!
This is my mother-in-law. We took in our niece about a year ago because her mother was abusing her (i.e., starving her, wouldn't take her to school, etc). At 13 years old, my niece didn't know how to add 7+3. Thankfully, she moved in with us. However, my MIL constantly enables my SIL (nieces' mother) and refuses to acknowledge the abuse. My MIL recently sent a text asking us WHEN are we going to drive our niece up north so she can "visit her mom." You mean the woman who abused her?? She refuses to accept that her daughter did anything wrong. It's maddening.
'I'm the only one who can handle your mother,' proudly said by my dad.
With that it may have been an idea to say ok sure dad as you are the only one who can handle your mother then remain that. I won't be around anymore to see or hear it. Goodbye.
This showed me how my codependent dad used to act about my narcissistic mom. It was so hard to see as a child, but now it makes perfect sense why I was so confused. I kept trying to win my dad's approval because he was always enabling my mom and leaving us kids hanging. I was scapegoated for sensing the truth, and my father passed away early probably due to all of the energy my mother drained from him (which she's now doing with another man). Now I've transcended both of them and can see how toxic my family system became due to intergenerational trauma.
Completely fascinating. My mother is a codependent, she's told me that her parents once asked her who she liked best and she still feels the shame to this day of saying her mother. She said that she worked out that she would be most hurt if she said father.... I've also got codependency issues having lived with an emotionally abusive narcissist for over 30 years. I'm trying to work it all out. Thank you Patrick...
Omg…this reminded me of my grandma and my ex mother in law.
My grandma (RIP) always enabled my uncles and my dad’s dysfunctional behaviors , but she wouldn’t blame anyone else for it…she would take the blame for herself and would say that that was her responsibility and burden to carry.
And my ex mother in law would accept that her husband was wrong, she would never blame others and she would confront him, yet she would keep enabling him by submitting to him at the end and by never leaving him. Hence, her son grew up to be a violent and abusive man like his stepfather cuz she allowed the abuse to happen for years.
Finally, I divorced her son and he got arrested for domestic violence. It has taken me years of therapy to start the healing journey since he wasn’t my first abusive relationship, but he was the last straw and what made me realize how codependent and emotionally dysregulated I was due all the extreme abuse I endured for many years.
Now I’ve been on a functional and healthy relationship for 10 years. I’m not a codependent anymore. 🙏♥️✨
The "rambling" at the end about the mother was the best bit - I loved the assessment that they're "morally superior" - someone who denies that there's anything wrong or shameful with them and so you feel like you must be the arsehole.
How sad to hear an abused woman try to navigate these things. I hope Mom has a "Go Bag" so she can leave quickly if the abuse gets physical! Great acting the very different vibes between healthy vs codependent! I agree that we shouldn't comment "Just leave - just stop calling the narcissist". But I think for those of us who escaped (I moved out at 15) it's painful to watch someone else be mistreated. I want to yell "You don't deserve this - I'll help you find a new apartment"! Lol
I think if we say it with love then maybe we can communicate our real meaning of "you deserve more, you are strong enough"
I felt like I was listening to my mother talk to me about my dad, especially "You've always made things harder for yourself with him." Had to take a moment to recover. My mom used to translate for my father, saying how much he cares for us, and how he feels and why he does the things he does, but it NEVER came from my dad and I realized my mom was trying to cover up her own shame by lying and believing her lies about all the reasons dad didn't know how to properly control his anger, or process his emotions with us, or even tell us/show us that he loved and supported us,
When i act "empowered" with my family they just exclude me and i end up feeling / being ostracized. Do i just go out in the world and make new family?
Absolutely. Until they figure it out, just do you. Found family is more real than any blood family out there.
Yes, please know you are in a lot of good company out here. ❤️🦋
Blood means nothing, family is people that can actually enrich your life.
Yes! Do this. It will literally change your life.
Seeing the empowered daughter not only helped me realize how far I’ve come over the years, but also helped me get rid of the “should I have done this” weird feeling from setting ANOTHER boundary recently. Thank you for these! They help even more than I think you know.
This has made me realize just how grateful I am for how my mom got healthy without dragging us into it, but inviting us to get healthy too.
“Why do you always have to upset the apple cart? Why can’t you just go along with everything?” That part hit me in my soul.
So tired of "Well, that's how he/she is. You know how he/she gets." Yes. I do know. That's why I got the hell away.
Thank you for posting this! I felt enlightened at the first moment you mentioned a codependent mother protecting a rageful father as I realised it was so very familiar to me. It also reminds me of the rescuer-victim dynamic in the drama triangle video.
So brilliantly done. I learnt a lot from this. Having a mother like this is extremely challenging, I’m there.
This pattern is what I grew up with and I was the protector of my silent, child-like mother. I also ended up with a toxic narcissist husband, but I left him because I wanted my daughter to know that I was not going to put up with his behavior any longer towards her and towards me.
Wow! After watching this I feel like you were spying on my childhood 😂 But seriously, thank you for your extremely valuable content. It has been very helpful.
Question is: Is the mother really an innocent co-dependent or just a very sneaky Covert Narcissist? It's difficult to tell the difference, but I suppose it doesn't really matter. It's damaging trying to rescue the 'innocent co-dependent', they're old enough to rescue themselves once given the information on narcissism.
Holy fuck, this is my mother spot on. I'd send this to her if I wasn't no-contact already.
If she happens to see this: your husband is wildly abusive and you're co-dependant with him.
This was my mom. I cried when I watched and heard the healthy mother part 😔 I called her out years ago and said she was an enabler. She looked like she already knew and didn’t care to change. She was okay with that.
Whenever my dad gets angry, it's my fault according to my mom -- and I'm the problem and she wouldn't even have a conversation like this. She always shuts me down. So the last time she was reaching out to speak to me I shut her down and just told her i love her and didn't address her "I thought you wanted to talk on the phone on a regular basis" plea
This man could play me and my parents in a movie about my life. He’s clearly started on the script.
Holy crap. The part about “loving the good in people” is my mom to a T. Whenever I criticize her crack addict husband she tells me “I didn’t raise you this way!! I can see the good in people!” Omg it infuriates me when she tries to guilt me for not liking a narc drug addict or wanting him in my home!
From my mom, "you have a lot to learn about unconditional love".
If she can see the good in people she should volunteer with an organization that helps addicts, that's a beautiful thing to do.
As it is It's like if someone had a broken leg and you decided to set it yourself instead of taking them to the hospital and then while they wailed in pain at home in the bed and infection set in told everyone that doing this for them was a sign of how much you loved them.
Let's remember that NPD and BPD are highly codependent disorders. Just for anyone who might mistakenly believe they are mutually exclusive. They're not.
Not intended as criticism, by the way. One can also be /only/ codependent.
Cheers.
Mine is the codependent mother (‘he’s your dad, look at all the things he’s done for you! Sent you to a good school, provided financially for us etc...’) but she also recognises his toxic behaviour. But still... does not leave. It’s so absurd. How can someone SEE that someone is an abusive a-hole but still not leave?? I’ve cut off all contact with my father as a way of coping. Blocked his number, make no eye contact etc.
I often ask her if my husband spoke to me like that if she’d support me staying. ‘Absolutely not!’ is the response. So why don’t you do that for yourself? Breaks my heart.
The explanation of compartmentalization helps me understand my parents. They both had violent fathers and suffer from trauma, but they appear VERY put-together, and tend to shame me for not being put-together.
The feeling of satisfaction and relief I felt when the “mom” apologized for not protecting the daughter. 😭😭😭
I’m so grateful my father has changed his ways and no longer rages. My mother, however, still has a LOT of codependency and has developed her own narcissistic behavior.
Ok, but what’s it like when you have two codependent parents? Mostly nice but defend each other and everyone else all the time in bad behavior. Like I just wasn’t ever supposed to feel hurt by or sensitive to anything from anyone. It was always better to see it as my fault-and I think they thought everything was their fault too. I’m still sometimes confused why I found their behavior hurtful because they were also so damn nice! It makes me feel ungrateful (they’ve never accused me of being ungrateful, though they do ask why I won’t just get along if I question any behavior of anyone in the family). I feel like while it seems worse I understand the codependent/narcissist relationship better than the codependent/codependent.
I think this was my parents as well, it’s like they took turns being the narcissist and the codependent. They both raged, and it was their way or the highway. And I’m an only child so everything was usually my fault, and I was always the one who was too sensitive.
@@charlie5115 Yeah, I think I see a little of that, but I don't think they're actually have NPD. Just, a little narcissistic like most people and always had each other's backs if they were behaving poorly. My parents didn't really get mad, ever. I just always felt inferior because I wanted to talk about problems and point them out. I used to think of myself as having a serious anger problem. But in normal society...I'm still often the most passive and peaceful in the room. They had me convinced that I LIKE to fight. I don't, I just don't like pretending nothing is wrong.
@@andianderson3017 They might have been in "trauma coupling". Your feelings are valid, never forget that
recently had an epiphany about my own family dynamic, took me 20 years, much of it completely depressed. Neither of my parents are narcissistic but my dad is very rageful and emotionally disconnected. He makes most of the money, keeps it in his own bank account, shames or gaslights my sister and I when we express anger or discomfort. He also tends to infantilize me and uses material giving as a way of compensating for what he is unable to give me emotionally. Had a conversation with my parents the other day about emotional neglect and my mom almost immediately broke down into tears, as if she had been mulling the same thing over for my entire life, whereas he was completely lost. He said that he was confused, asked, “hey are you in a good place right now?” and proceeded to ask me if I “wanted to live alone”. Ouch. I believe that he was emotionally neglected as a child to the extent that he genuinely can’t see whats wrong with our family dynamic or his controlling and often emotionally manipulative behavior because of how his working-class, immigrant (which was an important thing to recognize for me) parents treated him. My sister is “crabby” when she gets angry, i am “overreacting” or “overly sensitive”. He resents us and relentlessly guilts us for our flaws, for me my forgetfulness and for my sister her picky eating habits.
I think that i was trained to accommodate his rage and emotional avoidance from a young age by my mom, and the way I did it was by burying my own emotions. She lost both of her parents at my age and I think became very dreamy, absent, and overly-agreeable as a coping mechanism, never really dealing with that grief.
This emotional neglect has been tough on me, especially as a man, because of my highly sensitive and empathic nature. I spent much of my adolescence resenting myself for having such strong emotions. These days i struggle with trust in relationships, my sexuality, excessive self-doubt, reward, and a general feeling of emptiness despite being talented and successful for somebody my age.
Just wanted to share because of how invisible and tricky-to-spot childhood emotional neglect can be. I only realized after id been away at college for the second year after my first year was dominated by a narcissistic relationship. Living in an emotionally void but materially comfortable household can wreak havoc on your self-perception, especially when everyone from the outside looking in is always telling you how great you have it. Keep working, keep healing.
They were likely both raised in a family with one codependent parent. I notice some codependent behaviours in myself, for example, but I'm working on it.
They really need to talk and face their flaws in order to work on them, but that's gonna be hard unless someone else pushes them into it.
I‘m 21 years old…and I just realized that i was not the „heartless“ one when arguing with my mom about my dad. I tried as much as possible to be honest and logical to get finally seen, but I was the one limiting contact to my emotions by thinking, „ I‘m the assehole“ hurting them by only talking about my emotions and thoughts… just because they‘ve told me all the time. I had a hard time realizing how such things affected me, but it helped me so bad.
Thanks for your videos. The first time seeing how healthy connections should be. That really helps me to realize that my emotions are never out of place. I can trust myself.
Healthy mother brought me to tears. Trying to explain to your kids that we are leaving because the way things are aren’t good is an extremely tough conversation. We did leave. But they were teenagers. The trauma was already there. The damage was already done. Recovery was very very slow. Lots of anger and resentment. Poor choices. Cycles repeated. Ten years later and we are still feeling the effects. It’s better. Much better. But still lots of work to do.
Yes! My mother was like this. Had trauma from having my older sister out of wedlock in Ireland. Very traumatic! She was totally dissociated. Very sad. Yes I fallen prey to this too but I'm seeingba therapist now. Dad was very narcissistic and aggressive.
I was codependent. One night, my ex husband was in a rage and my middle daughter heard him hit the leather couch I was sitting on. It made a very loud thwack noise. She panicked and started texting friends thinking I was dead 😭. She was going to call the police. I was just quiet and scared. I went down to check on her not too long after. She was sobbing hysterically and telling me I needed to leave, that he was abusive, that this wasn't normal, etc. My response was awful. I told her she was overreacting and was just a very sensitive person. I told her it was normal. I told her it wasn't that bad. I excused him. I was upset she told her friends. I forbid her from calling the cops. I made his behavior possible for YEARS. I feel terrible that I did that. It wasn't my intention. I was trying to hold it together and really thought if I left, my kids would be alone with him, which was terrifying... I thought at least if I stayed, I could intervene. All I did was loads of more damage to them. I've apologized for my part in it all but I can't take back what I exposed them to. I can't go back and give my daughter the validation she needed. I've been working hard to be better going forward. That's all I can do. I gaslit my own daughter. I know 😔
Praise God you came to your senses... It is so sad to see people acting as if they're blind...
It is true that the courts would have allowed him access to your daughter and be alone with her. Terrible situation to be in trying to protect your children under the same roof. When my sons father raged at his other son from a previous marriage, I left when he was 6 weeks old and was able to prevent unsupervised visits until he was 7. When my 13 year old son comes home from his dad visits, I debreif his visit, and am available through texting. There is a lot out there saying don't say bad things about the other parent. But what if they do bad things! So I limit my validating comments to the bad things he does to his son or what his son witnesses and don't talk about the bad things the father did to me, so my son knows I can take care of myself. Patrick is the only youtuber that gives clear modelling of what a healthy parent would do which I have found valuable to break the intergenerational pattern.
you have strength
That stuff makes me angry, whether you admit it or not.
You’re an awesome mom. You’re so much wiser and stronger than most to accept responsibility and try to make it right. I hope you can repair your relationships going forward.
My mother used to tell us to just ignore our dad's temper tantrums and silent treatments. We were children!! Her coping mechanisms were really bad and could never work for us. We didn't understand. Thanks for this.
You are a terrific teacher. Your role plays are just so clear and accurate to people's real life experience. I have learnt so much from you and it has really improved my life. Thank you and I look forward to your future videos.
Such a wonderful way of giving further info about Cluster B vs CPTSD
This is my mother just add in “you don’t know all I’ve put up with, I only stayed with him so YOU wouldn’t come from a broken home!! I’ve dealt with him all for you!!”
Anyone else laugh at the healthy mother? Like I laughed as a trauma response because it’s so utterly ironic to think any mother would be that way.
Sending love to all of you. Thanks so much for this video and for helping us all heal.
I would love to see a codependent mother who is codependent with her daughter ! Love the video though, great as always 💕 this really helps people.
yes! my mother is codependent with my narcissist malingering sister, and i had to move overseas to get away from them both. i have no idea what to say or do with either one of them anymore.
I almost cried when I heard the healthy part. In real I lost my mom and granny over protecting the deep-down-lover. I am also trying not to lose my younger sister who is there with them in the same house again
These videos have helped me a lot in deciphering my parents own behaviors and how to deal with them. Thank you Patrick!!
My parents got together out of wedlock in a very conservative and strict culture so my mom had a lot of shame around getting pregnant and viewed my dad as her savior for marrying her and making it legitimate. She's spent her whole life picking up after him, literally and emotionally, anticipating his every need, and "handling" the aftermath if she missed something. The normal scenario ending in a divorce really hits home for me, by the time I was a young teen I secretly wished my parents would get divorced. I still sometimes have dreams where they get divorced and both end up being happier because of it. This whole video was extremely validating to watch, thank you 💕
You are so awesome Mr.Teahan! WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY IS A TRUE STORY: This is how I started being woke to get moved out with our kids, Therapy, divorce and now our young one is over 18! SO NO CONTACT WITH MY EX and I'm lovin my life!!! This video you posted, sadly was me, the co-dependent, rescuing mother, sugar coating all my ex husband's scary outbursts in front of our small children or extended family "no, honey, you did nothing wrong. Dad's not mad at you, he just having a bad day." I felt I was better off being a buffer, protector mom comforting them and reassuring them how much they were loved. Come 3rd grade I had to pick up our oldest daughter from school. (light bulb moment here) Husband calls and screams at mom. 8 year old daughter literally says "Mom, he is abusing you, you need to leave him" as I'm racing home (because he is so pissed about something). I told my daughter "Honey, I'm not being abused. Dad had a rough childhood and has a lot of emotional issues" I covered up for their dad's bad behavior for 18 years. Now to the future: 4 days from our daughter's high school graduation party I was prepping, he decided he was going to keep me on the phone for 3 days hiding from me and giving me play by play rundown of the suicide he was doing in real time, he said I didn't love him because I was spending too much time planning her graduation party. He tried to pretend to kill himself in his car, on a walking/bike trail, by building a hibachi and placing it in his car and lighting it for the carbon monoxide poisoning while explaining it on the phone to me . He took 20 xanax and laid down beside his car on some neighborhood walking trail and he was snoozing like a little baby. In the morning, the retired people were walking around him watching him sleep with the inside of his car burned up by a burned out hibachi . When police found him he got a 72 hour hold in the psychiatric hospital. HE WAS SO MAD I AIN'T KIDDING YOU. Where does he go directly when he is dismissed? OUR DAUGHTER's GRADUATION PARTY. His father picked him up and brought him there. He was stumbling around, sad faced and crying like no one loved him etc. It was sooooo embarrassing. I had friends and family coming up to me saying I'm so sorry honey etc. He didn't ever see his bad behavior took away from our daughter nor did he ever apologize for his behavior for his fake suicide, just for attention. 3 weeks later ............. I left and never looked back.
I married him at 17. I spent way to long apologizing for his arrogance, his temper, his screaming and his immoral behavior. He made me apologize to his mistress when I was 24. Yep, I did that too, because one of my co-workers mentioned it to his mistress and she and he got offended. Thank you for letting me ramble. I'm re-living in your videos. But in a good way. :-}
My mother has said that many times my dad is a good father. She tells me to apologize for his abusive behavior Im glad I just don't entertain this.
This really resonates with me. It's not a healthy situation but it makes me happy realising that I wasn't wrong feeling that something wasn't right. I kept saying how unhealthy the situation is but in their eyes I was the one being too sensitive about it.
He's abusive mom.
Boundaries is a great book and was part of the beginning help I found back in the 1980s, I think, with my family and my own marriage.
My mom defended and loved, missed my abusive dad right up to her dying day. She always defended her alcoholic, cheating, divorced from my grandmother father too.
I never realized this was another form of abuse towards me. I just thought mom was co-dependent and in denial.
Thank you for these videos.
it's always jarring watching the healthy version in these roleplays... not at all like the behavior that was normalized in my family. I find myself feeling suspicious--where's the hidden trap, the verbal knife that you know is coming after the sweet words. Love the empowered roleplays because they are so reassuring that I'm not doing something wrong.
OOUF! This is exactly how I would act with my ex. He would behave awfully, I would be like the mother defending him and almost feeling proud that I KNEW HIM BEST and unlike other people. I eventually snapped and got sick of him and his manipulations, and I just let him embarrass himself, and I finally dumped him. He tried for months to harrass me and try to lure me back with statements like "only you understand me" and "you're the only one I have", bullshit like that. OFC I was the only one he had, he acted horribly.
You are SO GOOD at these!! The writing is excellent, thank you so much
I always wondered why my mom defended my dad when he would lose his temper in front of people. I get it now….