Don't judge people's BEIGE FLAGS
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- Опубликовано: 17 окт 2023
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
My "beige flag" husband is balanced, stable, consistent, loyal, patient, a good listener, faithful, trustworthy, and kind.
Before he met me he was rejected by two other women because they thought he was boring.
Growing up with a overt narcissistic father -- I found his "boring" personality perfect for me!!
32 years married, and he's still the one person I most enjoy spending my time with.
After chosing three flashy narcissists I quit dating for a while did some studying on mental health. Then at a compliance seminar I met Mr Beige. He wasn't flashy, drove a sensible car and wasn't athletic, dramatic or charismatic.
We were in he same profession and he was well educated, thoughtful, kind, and a good communicator. We have been happiy married over 20 years now.
Beige is Best.
"Beige really does go with everything." I love the way you summed this up! After a dramatic breakup and divorce from a malignant narcissist, followed by several years of being deliberately single to give myself time to heal, I've dipped a toe into the dating pool. I'm finding "boring" to be quite refreshing. Give me a man who has solid relationships with his adult children and hangs out with his grandbabies and gets excited over the tomatoes in his garden over the motorcycle-racing, must-ski-fresh-powder here's-a-picture-of-my-abs dudes any day of the week.
I hear you ! As women we want the stimulation of an active, fun, vibrant guy who's well liked and popular. I had one like that who was still a bit of a bad boy too. Once we began living together, he accused me of changing. Well, it can't be all fun all the time when there are bills to pay, errands, household chores and other responsibilities to tend to. After the tumult of a long difficult relationship with a petulant child in an adult body, predictability is most welcome...not boring whatsoever.
I think talking about pets can be fun. Animals can do cute and interesting things :)
After 2 long term relationships with narcissists, I found my beige flag boy and I have never been happier. ☺️☺️☺️
Aww. Why does this sound so cute.
I'm so happy for you . I'll be going for beige moving forward 😁👍🏼❤
Had two drama-filled long-term relationships. Looking for a beige flag!
Me too! ☺️ We are both super beige now. 😀
Congratulations! I'm so happy for you beigey guy Ladies lol 😁🙏🏼😇 My beige man comes when I'm well healed & ready ; I'm not rushing ANYTHING anymore ❤️🎶❤️
Enjoy THRIVING ! We all deserve this !!!❤️🔥🌟💃
Brilliant. Healthy relationships are "Boring" when COMPARED to the sensationalism in Narcissistic relationships. I feel that, as a society, we are becoming conditioned to more and more narcissistic sensationalism in all areas of life, to the point that we can't discuss mundane things in public without someone rolling their eyes.
We feel heightened level of anxiety in the pit of our stomach when we're with them.
It's called fear
@@KoolT
Can be both 😊😊😊
All of the above.
I thought for way too long that was the "butterflies in the stomach" sensation, of feeling something for someone, but related to love... not threat 😔
So, here's another wave of retrospective guilt ☝️😓
Yup. Four or 5 years after the divorce was final I thought I could handle randomly seeing him on the street. Then I ran into him in the dentist's office. I had a panic attack.
Eph. -Panic attacks are their own colored flags.
Not going into my husband's and my history, but man we love being boring. We live vicariously through each other's hobbies and are still astounded after 15ys we haven't learned to hate each other like our parents or gotten bored of each other at all. We like "boring" and find lots of "boring" stuff super interesting. We're caring, kind and forgiving with each other... not to mention my husband's astounding patience with people. I might have lost my mind on people more than I want to admit if I didn't channel his cool. People our age think we're kinda beige. We like it fine. Can't speak to if our parents' chaos taught is what to watch out for but I'd rather be bored stiff and loved than stimulated and emotionally torn to hell.
Same! My mother always made fun of my ex for being “boring”. She and my dad are both narcissts who have a toxic marriage and fight daily. I’ll take beige and boring any day I never liked then as boy type most women go for
If tik tok sets someone's core values, they have bigger problems than what color flag to pick that day 🙄🙄🙄
Ha! Ha! Ha! Yep! You make a strong point!
YAASSSSSS!
They do not pick losers. They target the best of the best to feel a sense of power.
Dunno about that. They'll pick whoever happens to be around to provide them with supply.
They don't they target people they can use.
I would have disagreed with you a couple of years ago (like in the other comments).
But now my self-esteem is healthy. I notice my value in the world, like never before. I still wouldn't say it out loud, but I do believe I am a great catch 😅
There’s also an element of feeling like you don’t “deserve” a healthy, well-regulated partner. especially when living with things such as ptsd, because you feel people “wouldn’t put up with you”.
I remember one solitary “boring” moment early on with my narcissistic ex, when he was staring off into the distance and there was “nothing there” (meaning that he looked like an empty shell with no soul). He was normally bigger and louder than life (I know-both red flags), but in that rare moment , I saw into him and he was like a hollow mannequin. I found that so boring, as I was studying to be a therapist and have always been very soulful myself. Honestly, I’m not sure why I felt compelled to mention that, but maybe just to illustrate the lack of substance in a narc that leads them to get bored and go around wreaking absolute havoc on the word. It’s as if their “inner beige” is so boring TO THEM that they have to create a big messy oil painting of every color imaginable just to compensate for being so dull inside.
Very interesting
This was a husband to a tee. Very interesting and a good conversationist in the beginning. Then it became bragging to boost his ego. After you’ve heard the stories 10 thousands times they always live in the past he became so boring that I have to get up and leave the room. I would love to have a decent conversation with someone. This is the reason I missed the working world.
you just described HITLER narciss types and etc oh like MOZART and his frenemy the proper italian composer was so ENVIOUS with hell
I think it is a very important observation, and you described it very well. Thank you.
Like, so perfect that I want to see a short animated video of this description, narrated by Alain de Bottom 🙌
@@mabelpayne8933 I did that too 😖
Now, if a guy cannot tell me an exciting story that is less than 5 years old, I lose interest instantly. The last guy I dated, it took me until the 5th date to realize all his stories were from highschool or college. And he is 45 years old. 🤷🏻♀️
Edit: I mean, I don't need the stories to be exciting, just recent.
"the capacity to communicate like a decent human being" - really encapsulated the minimum requirement that is so hard to encounter nowadays. Thank, Dr. Ramani for your wonderful presentations!
43 yo german woman here. Thanks for letting me know about beige flags 🤣 I've always found it strange that my ex said I was going to get bored with him. That's so misanthrope. Been with him for 16 years, and he ended up being annoyed about me. He now is in a relationship with his boss, Good luck and good riddance...
Anyway, your videos are fantastic ♥️
I guess he meant himself at first too. Hopefully he’ll get screwed somehow for being involved at work
Ppq😊😊😊
He was projecting on you
Dr Ramani, can you talk about why narcissists are often sadistic. This is a trait i have realized is most prominent in the majority of narcissists ive come across. Thank you for all you do.
It's painful to realize now, that she was never mine. But it's more painful to realize that she knew that from the beginning.
They are really MENTALLY disturbed. Really. She snap shots you and her ideal is frozen in her mind. Very sick people 😢😢😢😢
So you dated her too...
Oh I feeeeeel that! I am now afraid of my own nervous system when it tells me to trust someone.
Yes it's sad that we tend to subconsciously see all people as being like us (with normal empathy, emotions and a CONSCIENCE) when the truth is, a great percentage of them are only acting on a surface level and are in fact, intra-species predators that only appear fully human, like us, in a physical/biological way.
Yes. I actually believed that he has been told some lies about me by his mother. I tried so hard to convince him that I am good, that it went beyond normal and regular. I started bending backwards to please them and rectify my image in their eyes.
In truth, they were manipulating me to serve them better and better while neglecting myself. I believed i was healing the relationship.
When I finally saw all the manipulation, my cognitive dissonance was off the charts
I was trying to bring him back to the new relationship loving phase. But that man was not real. That was a mask in the lovebombing phase.
Love the topic! My daughter just began a relationship with a beige flag guy. After all the tumult in her life, the "boring" is unfamiliar and unsettling! This will put her mind at ease. Thank you!
My cat chose my SO. My cat is very picky and grumpy, especially around men (he was abandoned and abused like me!)
But when my future SO came over and while selling me siding started cuddling my Grizzers... I decided I would ask him out for coffee.
Several happy years later, and we are still going strong. 😊
Kindness to animals is definitely a green flag.
I agree. Anyone who says they dislike animals, pets or children, finds the natural world dull and boring no matter the landscape, or is only interested in money .... Those were deal breakers for me.
And still I ended up with pet living nature loving narcissists, and someone so uninterested in money that he would live in a falling down horrible mess of a house. This is not a simple process at all.
Kindness to animals also includes understanding an animals' body language and respecting their space. Had an ex-friend who "loved" animals and was convinced that every animal "loved" her while she chased them down to get her arms around them, trying to force closeness instead of letting them approach her at their own pace.....as a person she was very clingy, controlling, and toxic.
@@SirThinks2Much loves animals and demonstrates kindness to them are two very different things. Kindness involves understanding your pet. My SO understands each of our kitties.
@@mathildevhargon9760 my narcissistic x and I had a dog. It was my dog before i met him. And he treated her kind enough at first... but later realized quickly that she was seen only as an extension of himself and was useful for manipulation. Having animals and kindness towards animals are two very different things. Kindness involves trust and respect.
@@SirThinks2MuchYou are so right. I hate people who try to force an animal to be with them when you can clearly see that the pet dog or cat doesn’t want to. They’re not puppets or toys. It’s a turn off for me.
“in the long term, remember: beige… kinda does goes with everything”. 💯👏 ❤️
This is the first time I've heard something positive about being boring, and it helped make my day brighter. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
When I was younger, I was a red flag collector. Today, don't collect any flags. Flags can change colors; what was green today can be red tomorrow. Call it what you want; I look for compatible, enduring traits that can lead to long-term positive work and personal relationships.
You probably didn't know what a red flag even was. That's something you learn.
Be specific, please
Yea I get what you’re saying but there should red flags everyone should avoid, things like violence, for example
@@ayeshaqureshi1699violence is not a red flag. A red flag is something that alerts you from a danger to come. Violence is the danger itself.
I think a red flag for violence, could be bad temper (or severe emotional disregulation).
What kind of red flag become green? 🤨
Dr. Ramani, as always you cover things I have never thought of. But, my first instinct on this subject, actually sounds refreshing. With all that is happening in our world today, I would love to be around a "beige flagger." LOL! I never thought I would say this. Great video as, as always. Thank you!❤
My narcissistic ex labeled every faithful respectful , good hearted guys beta. He said they only behave like that because they are not as cool as him. So he talked to me like shit because he could, hes not like other guys.😂
Yet, sadly, you never considered the betas in your friend zone.
That’s a way to devalue you in a round about way too… ugh hate those HVM’s
@@paulclinton6414 That was an assumptious claim. Besides, "friend zone" is such a narcissistic term. I swear the entitlement people think they have to be "owed" access to the bodies of others. No man (or anyone, for that matter) is entitled to sex..."beta" or not.
@@paulclinton6414 it sounds you took this As a personal attack towards you, it wasnt, and you're also not right. I also dated good guys. And I didn't even talk about friendships
I think everyone has their quirks... if they aren't narcs, then it's all about my quirks meeting your quirks. It could actually be fun.
“My quirks meeting your quirks” that’s cute 🥰
I appreciate this kind message. Abuse makes it easy to forget what we deserve, that we matter, that our stories and experiences matter. When we forget we matter, we forget what matters to us. We have to know what we deserve if we truly want to find it. We have to work actively to heal, process what we lost, and remember who we are. We deserve: "warm, empathic, modest, humble, the person who will bring you tea when you're sick, sit by your side as you wait for bad news, shares household chores equally..." Bring on the brave one who does sudoku in ink and doesn't leave the towel on the floor. Oh, and fountain pens are great. Thank you for the sunshine this am.
See my ex who I just broke up with a few days ago is like a covert/ introvert/ insecure narcissist who is kind hearted and will take care of me and rub my belly when I’m cramping and did even my eye brows but his fears and insecurities consume him and bring out this toxic manipulative dismissive.. person and that has only brought stress and suffocation to me.. I feel bad for meavomg him because now he is hurting….. allegedly
@@stephaniecespedes5959 oh my god this sounds exactly like my current relationship. I went from living w my malignant narcissist father to my s/o and his mom. She is also a malignant and she’s invading my space (one room and sone storage space on a loft in a garage. My father contaminated my things w his meds and I was saving them in case I go forward w legal proceedings. She got into all my things, stole what she wanted and put all my (foodstuffs) evidence in the kitchen/fridge/pantry. I just spent $300 at wegmans and $85 at Walgreens to replace all of it. I’m devastated and my s/o seems to “side” w her. I’m going to lost it I feel.
@@stephaniecespedes5959 sometimes there’s no knowing
Doctor Ramani, THANK YOU for your continuous SUPPORT ❤️❤️❤️
Boring is subjective.
I’ve been called boring by my boss because I don’t go out drinking. I find going out and drinking boring
Me too.
Now HERE'S my confusion territory! I was to NOT talk about "brag" about myself. As a person of color and a woman, in the religion I was raised in, I wasn't supposed to dance..any form. I discovered and mastered and several forms including ballet, jazz to belly dance, African and Hawaiian/Tahitian and taught nationally. .Mom told people I was Go-Go dancer...the nicer term than stripper. So, I can't find the balance of talking about my interests without sounding ding like...a Narcissist.
Put yourself forward and love yourself as much as possible- don't put others down in the process.
You don’t sound like a narcissist. People who want you to fit a mousy mold are calling you inaccurate names to get you to be quite.
You just go dance your ass off and have a good time and keep the judgy folks on a need-to-know basis.🩰💃🕺👯♀️💜
If you talk about what you love, and in turn genuinely listen to what the other person loves and show real interest, there is the difference between a normal person and a narcissist.
The term "grandiose narcissist" may bleakly condemn, "disorder" pathologize the entire entertainment industry, and beauty and laughter themselves. That is an epic diagnostic overreach.
I haven't even listened yet but my diagnosed nuerodivergent booty is loving the beige flags in my man.
He is amazing and I cannot believe how blessed I am for him to be in my life during this wonky healing time. No red flags at all. Known him since 6th grade and he's had my counselor's approval from day one. My counselor figured out he was in to me before I had a clue. I knew I had a crush but I was terrified. A healthy dude. Imagine that.
Ok I'm listening and I love this video so far.
If someone's "beige flag" means their life is crisis, chaos, and drama free, sign me up! However, if it means they are conversationally boring and shallow, not introspective, not deep thinkers, not curious about the world around them, count me out.
I have ADHD and I am reeeeeeaally doing my best to deal with my red flags. I sometimes struggle with my impulsivity and especially when I haven't slept enough. My filter breaks down and I start talking in class out of excitement and instantly regret it. I am really trying and I feel ashamed after the class when I realise I have talked too much again. The more exciting the topic the harder I find it to keep quiet. How tragic is it that I end up taking too much space in a classroom that's all about inclusivity.... I must say I feel sad watching this video.. You say that eccentric people and people who talk too much are potential red flags, but what about creative neurodiverse easily excited people? I keep having to convince myself "no you are not a narcissist" while watching your videos. Many kind eccentric people exist. I get sad because 1) I'm probably being looked upon by some as a narcissist 2) Because I feel my way of being is being shamed. This is a very unfiltered and tired message but here it is.
@louilind4300 I totally relate! Even in an ADHD support group the leader snapped at me in exasperation for talking too much. < : - ( It helps me to remember that people who judge us either don't know or forget that the sucky Catch-22 of ADHD is having to regulate executive functions using a glitchy executive function system. Of course we struggle despite our best efforts and good intentions! That includes monitoring how much we talk.
Pre-committing to tricks like those below has helped me (when I remember to use them!), but I still struggle with this in all areas of my life, including friendship. I literally don't know HOW to identify the main points of a story so often talk at length and feel self-conscious about it. Luckily I'm a great listener who genuinely enjoys listening when *other* people talk at length, so people who know me well know it's not entitlement. But I've felt shamed and snubbed in other social settings. < : - (
I appreciate having different kinds of friends, but I've learned to let go of people early no matter how much I like them if our communication styles are very incompatible.
A friend I really liked clams up easily and prompts others to keep talking and I always felt bad about myself and regretful after yet another lunch date where I did most of the talking. Unlike a narc, I felt >*I'd*< missed out by not getting to hear more from her, but the recurring shame made it kind of a relief when the friendship fizzled out.
I do well with fellow ADHDers whose impulsiveness lets them jump in and whose own scattered thoughts means they don't mind circling back randomly to forgotten threads of conversation. ; - )
Pre-committing to techniques like these has helped me:
- counting to 10 to allow others in a group a chance to speak
- limiting myself to X comments per class (1 or 2 depending on size)
- dividing the number of minutes in a support group or meeting by the number of participants and resisting talking once I've used my "share"
- putting a physical object in view as a reminder to stop talking once I've used my limit
- writing down ideas I'm afraid of losing instead of saying them
(often someone else brings them up!)
- thinking of conversation like tennis - the goal is to keep the ball moving back and forth
- limiting myself to a couple quick back and forth comments when passing someone in the hall
- being the one to end conversations sometimes! "Leave them wanting more" is better for my self-esteem
- reminding myself that connecting and making other people feel valued is more important to me than hearing myself talk
I'm grateful that I have people in my life who appear to genuinely love talking and listening to me and tell me so. I wish that for everyone with this issue!
Having a quirk doesn't negate the wonderful things about us, and can even add some welcome spice! ; - D
I embraced only beige flags. I never liked the “bad boy” or people whom exhibited impulsive or risky behavior. I sought out the quiet intellectuals like myself. No one can prepare you for a person whom has hidden red flags and only waves the beige flags in the beginning. Slowly over time, you are eased into pink, then red flags- the proverbial frog in a pot slowly coming to the boil.
I’ve heard people in my support community of partners of sex/porn addicts describe their subsequent relationships after healing the trauma as boring. I view their shorthand of boring to mean consistent, predictable, and SAFE- a large departure from their/my experience.
I understand that feeling, I was that frog
Exactly. A lot of people think the introverts are safe-they can be the most deadly. You might NEVER find out what they are up to because they can be much more intelligent than a flaming, grandiose narcissist.
The quiet, introverted covert/vulnerable Narc seems deadly.
And they are abloom with beige boring flags.
New concept "beige flags". Thank you!
I met my ex at the same time as I met another guy- who collected watches and was learning English so watched a lot of movies. Still regret my choice.
Oh, gosh, Dr. Ramani....that's me!!! I have to sleep with the tv on and while I can't say I *never* wear socks, I mostly don't wear socks because my feet are always really warm. I only wear socks if I am wearing athletic shoes. And I talk about my pets all the time 🤪 I prefer to be around "boring" people. For one, I am rarely bored...if ever. And two, I do not want to be around someone who's always causing drama. That just causes me a lot of stress. I love the idea of soft signs of red flags. That's an awesome way of putting it. Thank you again, Dr. Ramani, for a very helpful discussion.
I’ve hid my hobbies a lot because I’ve been teased for them. I’ve also been described as boring even from my teenage years… so much so that a college friend said I was “their Samwise [Gamgee].” Thank you for the validation.
Hey! He saved so many lives!
I want a man who loves "boring" things like Cats and the quality of Pizza Ingredients, day to day life is Serious Business-to me at least.
I am here but unfortunately gay.... 😘
At 43, I’m still too painfully avoidant to contribute to a lasting romantic relationship, but I love that this gives me permission to be beige in my own lifestyle and to select beige friendships. Coincidentally, I eat caesar salads often 😂 How’d ya know Dr. Ramani?
Jesus loves you he died on the cross for your sins. Believe in him and you will be saved and go to heaven!
@@user-pf1qu3gx9iI experienced horrible emotional abuse from “Christians.” You’re not even attempting to relate to me in a sincere way about the topic at hand. You’re just talking at me. I see you doing this to other users on RUclips. Stop.
@@user-pf1qu3gx9i why are you insulting people by not being sensitive to their religious freedom and choice to believe (or not believe) whatever they want?
The narcissist that watches jeopardy alone then pretends to be a genius when other people are around during the rerun 🤦
I yearn for beige flags. We all have bad days. But coming from an abusive narcissistic house growing up, calm and quiet would be greatly appreciated in relationships.
I was with a 72 year old narcissist who tells everyone he drag races Harleys at 180 mph, but no one ever sees it happen
Such a blessing for you to offer support to coaches. Some don’t have the educational background and and yet you are still willing to teach them. Thank you for your giving spirit Dr.Ramani ❤❤❤
Being a boring person gives me tickets to dodge the bullet. Narcissists find me boring and leave. Best tactic i ever discovered.
I totally agree with you dr Ramani❤ narcisistic relationships are traps - sometimes made of gold and diamonds.
I like this. Thank you. I think it's important to note that narcissists will imitate *anything* other people perceive is of value if it's acknowledged openly. So, you might have to wait a while before the beige flags they faked turn red because they grew tired of pretending and/or got caught lying about it.
Kind, warm, humble, conscientious, reciprocal, empathic, agreeable -- if those are beige flag and basic, sign me up! Been there, done that, and it was WONDERFUL! ; - D
I have so much drama and trauma already piled up, I'd be more than happy to meet someone who has none of it themselves, as long as they are validating and reciprocal and respectful and decent and cooperation based. If that's boring, sign me up to assemble puzzles watch the paint dry together.
Someone in the comments just mentioned how someone being exciting and bigger than life are both red flags. And that's the problem with some of the things said in the video. Being extroverted, exciting, and bigger than life are not red flags. Those in themselves can be very healthy things. Many times they are attached to abusive people, but they are not bad qualities by any means.
And on the flip side, someone boring and seemingly safe, can be hugely abusive. They may be covert or not, but being exciting, bold, adventurous etc etc are not red flags in themselves. Insensitivity, selfishness, inappropriate competitiveness, inappropriate aggression, etc etc those are the qualities to look out for.
Red flags come from unhealthy behaviors and beliefs. Fun and exciting does not always equal abusive. Plain and boring does not always equal safe. And implying that they do can lead to problems.
Wow..I've never heard of beige flags before. Thank you for helping people like myself who dont know what a healthy relationship even looks like. ❤❤❤
Excitement turns into abuse--so true! Once i committed, he realized instantly he did not have to chase me anymore. And the devaluing began. Yikes!
I've never heard of Beige Flags! Beige does go with everything. It's neutral. I'm processing this one....Wondering if beige flag's are used to hide the red flags until....As I ponder the personality traits of my ex it seems as though the beige flag's are what calmed the storms per sa', before, during and after them. Quirky and boring for sure. Wow, thank you. I love learning about the layers of Narcissim. 🌻
Had a beautifully supportive time with a man who drew me into the nyt cross word puzzle most mornings and did books of "cross-eyed" puzzles with my mom. Represents warmth, old shoe and cuddly memories to me.
I would LOVE “boring” at this point. Gimme boring all day. I’ve had enough excitement
After growing up in war and chaos with Narc parents and then several narc relationships, my current "boring" life is my heaven! Few of my friends and people around me understand this.
Always amazing! My flag whatever color is the lack of receptiveness! This trait is reading the ingredient on the outside of the box! This is true in professional as well as personal relationships!
What some call "boring" others call consistent, empathetic, reliable, caring. I always thought of myself as boring and looked for partners who were exciting and kept me entertained (aka "bad boys"), big mistake.
I'm so glad my daughter learned from my mistakes and made much better choices in all of her close relationships.
Give me biege flags anytime!
Thank you Dr. Ramini, you have a great way of getting to the heart of the matter. ❤
Having been through everything that I have been through, I miss the days when I took long walks with my late bestie and dog. Things were simple and real. It's fun at times to imagine being rich , but I lose that thought shortly after it comes to mind. Most of the people that I have known in my life or known of who are rich, are not very good people or well liked and often don't make their money in honest ways.
This narc has really messed up my life, so I still have a really hard time thinking that things could ever be real and good again. I'm used to living simple and would rather have a boring life when it comes to healing than have everything fast paced and exciting. As far as relationships are concerned, I don't know if there ever will be an opportunity for one, with the one who is interested or anyone else for that matter, still a lot of confusion around this, but I am trying not to judge either one, beige or exciting and fast paced. However, the fast paced, rich, fairy tale version of the story almost costed me my life, so I have a much different perspective on having a lot of money and the need to have a lot of it than I did before, not in a good way
Absolutely. Coming from California and washington where my parents had moved, I actually saw my exhusband born and raised in Alaska as just that. Culturally touch and strong where men are men. Touch in business, tough in survival who could hunt, fish and survive in the woods for days at a time. I egnored the red flags. The Grandiosity. The rudness towards others in which I was the opposite. Loved ppl and a social butterfly. The compassionate empath. I use to say he roars like a lion but has the heart of a pussy cat. No he roared like a lion cause hes a lion. And his sucess and survival abilitied did not make him an Officer and a Gentleman as a Military Soldier may have. He walked over anyone to get what he wanted, had no compassion and empathy towards those who have suffered his wrath. And became an abusive husband as well. He showed no respect towards women and did not know how to love and cherish a woman. Competition at home was to Glorify himself, a woman to be seen and not heard, to compete over which parent the children were to respect. Like a slow and caculating STALKHOME SYNDROME in which all he ever wanted was a baby maker and someone home to tend to and care for while he was out growing his heavy equipement construction business. My demands on him to be better led to devorce when my mothers husband died leaving her homes and investments. Cha ching cha ching. As then he strategically piece by piece hired lawyers to come after the kids. Ailenating me was his goal. While then using atleast one child to strategically come after their Grandmothers money. Keeping up with her finances and working her out of my inheritance without her awareness. Whether theough flying monkeys she was unaware of. My suspicion today such as his business bankers etc. A horrible life long outcome for me. So red flags can turn into a WAR OF THE ROSES that never lets up. It takes a super strong woman and not an empath to have fought this war as the empath sees the good in everyone and thinks everyone will do the right thing and it is only in hindsite the pain worsens as you learn how ugly ppl can be.
About: “interrupts you when you’re talking” as a red flag. I have ADHD and will totally interrupt you when you’re talking, especially if I really like you and relate and empathise with you. But I am not toxic! 😕 Quite the opposite: I’ve always been the perfect prey for all sorts of toxic individuals and often found myself in trouble because of missing cues, not paying attention to details and delayed realisation. I say: it’s the nuance of “interrupts you when you’re talking” that matters.
I agree with you 💯, Dr. Ramani. Thank you!❤❤❤
What a sweet video. Thank you! ❤
Thank you Dr.Ramani for your wisdom and kindness, happy that you are training others too!❤🙏🙌
I really appreciate you sharing this. I have always noticed that I am attracted to the "bright and shining star" in the room, to the point where the beige flag people do not interest me even if they like me. Having grown up with bright and shining stars...my Aunt called it the 'Rick and Eileen' show, it is difficult to form bonds with normal people or to form bonds period, because there is no example to follow.
Getting into the intricacies of impending red flag behavior can save us all! Thank you for the deep emotional view of this illness. We must get the root of an illness to cure or help sooth its symptoms. You do that well for those of us that must know. Much appreciated.
I like to judge people.
I know the term trauma bonding is very on trend right now. But I don't know how much I'd buy into the concept. I have attracted some grossly unhealthy people in my life, almost one after the other. Many of them were narcissistic. Many of them treated me horribly. But I was never excited by, or attracted to being treated horribly. It did not deepen the bond in any way.
I think what a lot of people forget is that narcissists have amazing qualities. Most of them are fake, but you don't realize that until later. They can be incredibly charming, incredibly funny, vulnerable, warm, gracious, etc etc. It's all an act, but it's a wonderful act. It is very understandable to be attracted to those things. And it is very understandable for a person who is being mistreated to stay, because they think that the person mistreating them will turn back into the person they fell in love with. Or they get glimpses of that person from time to time in the monster that their partner has turned into.
There is this wildly popular idea that lots of wounded people are attracted to being abused. And I don't know if that's true. I think they put up with tremendous amounts of abuse. Way more than a healthy person would. But I don't think they are attracted ie trauma bonded to being abused. Whenever I hear that take it does not resonate with me. I'm still unsure about it.
A person may be bored by less exciting people. But that doesn't necessarily mean that they are more excited by abusive people. I think they're just more excited by people who try harder to be exciting and interesting. And many of those people are narcissists and they are abusive. But it's not the abuse that causes the deep attraction. At least it never was with me. I know exactly what I liked about those people, and it wasn't their dog shit behavior.
I think you (like many people) might have misinterpreted the meaning of the term trauma bond, because your second paragraph describes exactly how a trauma bond is created.The bond comes first and the trauma is slowly trickled into the dynamic, leaving the person constantly searching for what created the bond while downplaying the trauma. It's not being attracted to bad treatment, it's being willing to put up with more and more of it just to experience those ever dwindling breadcrumbs...
@@TheCagedCorvid Yes, agreed. What I'm referring to is this idea, that is getting more and more popular, that people are somehow attracted to abuse. The whole idea "women don't like nice guys!". That somehow, abusive people are more exciting, and therefore more sought after. Lots of therapists imply that when they talk about trauma bonding. It's the way they speak about it. They emphasize that wounded people are attracted to these types of relationships, and that they may be bored by people who do not behave in a hot and cold manner. And I don't know if I agree with that. It wasn't my experience at all, and I've experienced a lot of these patterns over the course of many years.
Well said!
Judgment happens on an instinctive, sub conscious level. We can't NOT judge.
Lucy Letby the English nurse who killed several babies in cold blood was described as beige by the police and work colleagues.
Beige all the way for me. That Technicolor joke, ijbol! Thank you, dear dr. Ramani 🤍
Sadly i missed out on the most loyal beige love when i was too young & too conditioned to know better. Sure am grateful i know better now, thanks again 🙏🏼😇❤
It has been 5 months since being discarded by her and I am well on the way to healing.
But the other day She drove past,cutting off the car in front of me haha, and It made my stomach churn.
I got home and all the memories of good and bad flooded back causing a period of grief for about twenty minutes. Even now I feel like my wound has opened a little.
Never ever underestimate the damage and effect these Narcissistic entities, I couldn't use the word human ,have on people. It rattled me to my very core.
Thank you for another very helpful video! You are wonderful!🤗
Such good information, always. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
I'm so glad I watched this. Now I don't feel so bad that my ex, an actual psychopath, called me boring. Cause I didn't want to go out to bars and party constantly. lul
Excellent video and thank you. I bore the hell out of narcs. I enjoy my dogs, a home cooked meal and reading a great novel in my pjs. Guess I’m a beige flag :-)
I love Green Flags. As disorganized attachment (former maybe), I think it’s important to be clear on core qualities for healthy relationships. Next being clear on values and vision for my life. It helps me ask the right questions if I see it lacking and look for effort in this area. The absence of the green flags makes it a red flag without the dialogue. When looking for the positive, it’s easier to discuss without negativity.
It’s a bit of a play, but having dealt with trauma, leading with green helps limit walls and move in a healthy manner vs throwing up wall and not living in my power to walk away if needed.
Beige flag is not a bother if I’m clear on the green.
EXCELLENT!!!! Thank you!
Having to explain to my now-ex that I wanted his company more than his entertainment. I just wanted to sit in the same room working on my laptop while he was working on his.
My favourite times were the quiet ones
Favourite memory - both reading on the couch with his free-hand absent-mindfully playing with my hair
Excellent commentary and thoughts. Helpful. Thanks.
I think you should run for president, because you’re already my queen! (Not really, but you get the point.)
I agree. I think beige flags are a good thing. They are normal things that people. Clearly the red flags are called that. Glad I’m conscious of the red flags now. And I WON’T ignore them anymore. BEIGE = GOOD
Dr Ramani ! You look great in this colour !❤😊
I'd never heard of a beige flag before this. Thanks again for another really helpful video.
Very Sweet Doc, the stuff about beige people at the end
Trauma bonds can be mutual shared tragedies, grief and loss, its not always thrills & excitement.
I thought I had found someone not exciting in my previous definition and was "beige". Until I realized that she was glued to her phone every time I saw her and of the 3 times we went out. The 3rd time we went out, I asked her what online business she does and she said "no I don't have one". I mentioned that she had looked at her phone about 15 times in our 20 minutes out (this was for coffee because the red flag siren had already started going off). She said she just checks for who called, including her son. Her son is 18. I didn't say anything after that and just let it all go. I was highly disappointed because she didn't strike me as a phoneaholic. I met her at the local laundromat and now I wash my clothes on her days off.
Not bored but under stimulated. So the relationship causes the person with trauma to go into a sort of stimulant down regulation and that can be misinterpreted as boring, especially during the first healthy relationship.
My vulnerable covert narc ex was pretty beige when I met him actually... He had no friends, was overweight and spent all his time playing Sims. There were of course lots of red flags that I ignored die to my childhood, but he listened and I'd never had anyone listen to me or want to be with me 24/7 since the day we met. That swept me off my feet until the crap quickly took over.
My narcissist pretended to be interesting, but when I look back on the relationship, he was the most boring person on the planet.
There was this guy I felt like he was “annoying” and “boring”, but what it REALLY was: he was incredibly pushy and couldn’t handle being my friend, he REQUIRED that I be a romantic/sexual partner to him. So what I was justifying as a beige flag was actually red. He was so spiteful and condescending because he couldn’t have me.
I don’t mind actual boring. Lol
Lol same. He seemed so sweet but was actually really insecure and manipulative
Those exciting technicolor moments may be what gets your heart pounding, but a life that feels like a never ending skydive sounds awful. Everyone needs time to be grounded. It seems more important to me to find someone you can exist with in the quiet spaces between.
I didn't assume it was normal people posting on Instagram about "beige flags"
I assumed it was the kind of thing narcissists do to filter out people who are "too normal/not exciting enough" from their dating pool; people like me on Team Beige should celebrate dodging that bullet.
My mom married a beige flag guy. She grew up in a dysfunctional family and wanted stability (emotionally). My two aunts married red flags instead. One aunt married a man who was alcoholic and beat her. She divorced him after he broke her nose, and he eventually died from the alcohol. The other married a man who had bipolar disorder and eventually committed suicide.
I thought his love of gardening, growing his peppers, was a beige flag. It reminded me of my dad. Didn’t take long for the beige flags to be lost in the sea of red. Honestly, I almost forgot he grew peppers and liked to garden.
Super, super smart psychologist
Bringing tea when sick 💓
Agreeable & somewhat conscientious
Has anyone seen the movie Eighth Grade? The protagonist's crush vs the quirky boy that talks to her is a great example of red flag vs beige flag
Beige is what I'm looking and praying for in my next relationship 🤞🏻❤️
Unless your beige person is still a vulnerable covert narcissist who hid it behind a cloak of boring normality and hid their insecurity and basically their whole life from themselves. Been married to that for 10 years, it may be worse than hating the overt narc you are stuck with until you can get out, because beige boring nice guy, turned into is he going to snap can’t deal with life still thinks he is a nice guy husband. That guy makes you love who they claim to be with intermittent reinforcement and a healthy dose of gaslighting and makes you literally crazy. And because they are so damned boring and nice no one can even imagine them being abusive. And for someone with a life of nothing but abusive people in their life with a big dose of CPTSD the beige boring nice guy can seem like a dream at first until he flips his switch. I’m done with humans. Give me cats and a witches cottage in the woods.