Counselor Carl, you are like an emotionally attuned father that I wish I had growing up (I love my dad, but emotional attunement and teachings have not been a part of the experience for us). It brings me so much comfort and calm to listen to you. Thank you.
Holy crap I finally at the age of 62 why I am like I am. I wasn't allowed in the house during the day and walked all over the city by myself at the age of 5 and have been screwed up ever since. Thank you!
Love your boundary setting and self-care series and your voice and tone sounds like the caring adult I could have done with in my life whilst growing up. This is the first time I've heard about this stuff and I'm nearly 50 thank you I would like to pass this knowledge on to my grandchildren so they don't inherit my Legacy and break the cycle for their generation thank you once again
This is exactly the type of video that I was looking for and need. No rambling on about personal experiences. Just the facts and how they are related to your past and why it’s important to recognize the need for change. So thank you.
Hi, Mariella. I'm glad you found my video helpful. Here is another video you might find helpful (if you haven't already viewed it): ruclips.net/video/EkqFk89btec/видео.html
I needed to here this !! I just realize I came from a broken home as a result I been giving to others need/ want. Now that I am understanding boundaries am hoping to find myself , protect my emotions and love myself, for give others. Now I understand why many of my relationships have failed in the past. Because I didn’t understand the power of saying NO it never to late for change.Hopefully it not to late to save my friendship .
Hi, Keron. I'm glad you found my video helpful. Yes, it is never too late. Life is a journey, and it's never too late to take a different path. Best wishes!
Great learning.. i guess I need to learn "creating healthy boundaries" first.. that's where I lack and fail and remove my self image blockage and doubts
I’m 25 and I’m learning how to set boundaries with my two older sisters who constantly try to put me down a lot lol! This is exactly the video I needed at this moment in time. Thank you so much for sharing this informative video 👍🏿
Counselor Carl, thanks for your educational videos, they're great, also forwarding them to my friends & family to benefit from as well. Wish you Happy Holidays.
Wow Carl, thanks for this. I have a friend who is like this, who appears to be 'other-centered' but uncomfortable with it, meaning she isn't an altruist but a pseudo one. This made me wonder what was 'really' going on. You describe her perfectly and, based on her father's alcoholism and gambling addiction, she seems to have grown up with this inability to set boundaries. It's so interesting to note how this phenomena appears identical, on the surface to the enlightened state Ken Wilber identifies in his book 'No Boundary' but which, ironically, appears to signal the direct opposite of self-awareness..!
This has always been a weakness of mine because I never had a clear sense of realistic boundaries. I could never make decisions that had any kind of permanence or life-long implication, and could never take a stand because I typically could see both sides of an argument. I feel like my kids have lost faith in me and don't necessarily feel protected because of my lack of confidence and forgetfulness. They are very responsible kids, both personally and socially and don't have unacceptable addictive habits. My weakness comes from not enforcing expectations of maintaining a clean house and their responsibilities. We all need to share in the upkeep and errands that need to be done. I need to find a non-confrontative way to approach this because my conditioning is to explode with any signs of attitude or resistance. I'm working on it . :(
You sound like a great mom. We all have expectations of who we want our kids to be, but darn if they don't turn out to be themselves. As far as a non-confrontational way to communicate with them: "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean." check out this video: ruclips.net/video/F0A-cIZBKQ4/видео.html
I love that quote! Is it yours? I wanted them to be their own person. My daughter has many of my qualities (good and bad), my son is "tolerant" of me, and disappointed in my lack of empathy when he would come home with stories of people that upset him. Because I was bullied when I was a kid, I wanted to spare him the angst of being a victim of that (he was and still is very sensitive) I would say "what did you say to them or do about it"? Wanting him to develop some tools to defend himself. Turns out, all he wanted was for me to say "I'm sorry you had to bear that, that must have been difficult". He's not a real huggy kinda guy. I'm working on this. He's angry with me for his dad who is still in pain from me leaving him. They were 6 and 5 when I decided I had been manipulated for the last time with the suicide threats. I always had their best interest at heart, but lacked the compassionate, nurturing because I was always busy and worried in my head "am I doing the right thing". I moved them away from their dad so the toxic verbal abusive pattern wouldn't continue with the kids. Ironic that I am a massage therapist but my son is uncomfortable with touch. He shared with us a few years back that he is gay and in reflection, it made sense of many struggles I had with him when he was younger. I'm going to make a laminated sign for the back of my car with the quote. Is that ok? One of the traits that people criticize me for is "the way I say things". I guess I'm too harsh at times without realizing it. Being the Aquarian that I am, I never want to hurt anyone but my INFP behaviors offend those that don't take the time to understand me. Be well, Carl and find peace in knowing that your intentions are being well received and very much appreciated. I will check out your site.
Thank you, Mrs. Butterfly. I'm glad you found this video helpful. I will put your suggestion on my list, but don't hold your breath because the list has grown quite long. Thank you for the suggestion.
@@Serenityonlinetherapy Thank you very much for your prompt replay.I watch and rewatch all of your videos and do take notes in my journal. Very insightful indeed.
I listened twice. I'm not very familiar with healthy boundaries. I'm wondering what some examples are before there are problems, for example, before a bully screams in your face. Or does having a healthy boundary usually refer to making a change whenever something goes wrong? I'm struggling to figure out how to word this. I guess I'm very curious for specifics about what some boundaries healthy people address. Or at this point, do I just work on the most egregious violations? IOW how do I know what boundaries should be set; are normal. I've listened to a few videos and there seems to be an assumption that we know what's healthy. tyvm
Nice question! I see some boundaries as universal, such as telling someone it is not acceptable for him or her to hit you, verbally abuse you, lie to you or there will be serious consequences to the relationship. Other boundaries are more personal, such as don't smoke around me, don't call me that nickname, don't touch me that way, don't bother me when I'm in the bathroom getting ready for a night out, take your shoes off when you enter my house, or don't tell people I have an anxiety disorder. In order to set boundaries, you must 1) know yourself well enough to know what you like and don't like, and 2) must value yourself enough to stand up for yourself in a relationship. All healthy relationships have boundaries. However, sometimes you must set boundaries with strangers or people who are not friends. For example, someone keeps asking you out even though you've made it clear you do not want to go out with him or her.
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Counselor Carl, you are like an emotionally attuned father that I wish I had growing up (I love my dad, but emotional attunement and teachings have not been a part of the experience for us). It brings me so much comfort and calm to listen to you. Thank you.
You're welcome! I wish you the best!
Holy crap I finally at the age of 62 why I am like I am. I wasn't allowed in the house during the day and walked all over the city by myself at the age of 5 and have been screwed up ever since. Thank you!
You're welcome, Sheryl! I wish you the best.
Love your boundary setting and self-care series and your voice and tone sounds like the caring adult I could have done with in my life whilst growing up. This is the first time I've heard about this stuff and I'm nearly 50 thank you I would like to pass this knowledge on to my grandchildren so they don't inherit my Legacy and break the cycle for their generation thank you once again
instablaster...
This is exactly the type of video that I was looking for and need. No rambling on about personal experiences. Just the facts and how they are related to your past and why it’s important to recognize the need for change. So thank you.
You're welcome, and thank you!
Si grateful to have found your channel, it’s been hard to find someone that actually clearly tells you how to do what is needed to end codependency
Hi, Mariella. I'm glad you found my video helpful. Here is another video you might find helpful (if you haven't already viewed it): ruclips.net/video/EkqFk89btec/видео.html
I can’t tell you how greatful I am. Your videos are so simple to comprehend. I am learning so much.
You are so welcome! It is my pleasure.
What a powerful idea- That we can't know who we are without setting boundaries.
Yes, it is. To set healthy boundaries requires you to know who you are.
Sounds like a symbiotic relationship!
I'm not sure what you mean.
I needed to here this !! I just realize I came from a broken home as a result I been giving to others need/ want. Now that I am understanding boundaries am hoping to find myself , protect my emotions and love myself, for give others. Now I understand why many of my relationships have failed in the past. Because I didn’t understand the power of saying NO it never to late for change.Hopefully it not to late to save my friendship .
Hi, Keron. I'm glad you found my video helpful. Yes, it is never too late. Life is a journey, and it's never too late to take a different path. Best wishes!
Definitely your videos met my need for clarity and simplicity. Thanks for that!
You're welcome! Thanks for your kind words. Best wishes!
Great learning.. i guess I need to learn "creating healthy boundaries" first.. that's where I lack and fail and remove my self image blockage and doubts
All your videos have been so clear, and so helpful. Thank you so much. It's a great gift you have given to the world.
Thank you, Iso, for your kind words! Best wishes!
I’m 25 and I’m learning how to set boundaries with my two older sisters who constantly try to put me down a lot lol!
This is exactly the video I needed at this moment in time.
Thank you so much for sharing this informative video 👍🏿
You're welcome, Mumina! I wish you the best!
Thank you Carl for teaching me to set healthy boundaries for relationships 🌈
You're welcome, Mary! Best wishes!
Counselor Carl, thanks for your educational videos, they're great, also forwarding them to my friends & family to benefit from as well. Wish you Happy Holidays.
oceanair13 Thank you! And Happy Holidays to you too!
Wow Carl, thanks for this. I have a friend who is like this, who appears to be 'other-centered' but uncomfortable with it, meaning she isn't an altruist but a pseudo one. This made me wonder what was 'really' going on. You describe her perfectly and, based on her father's alcoholism and gambling addiction, she seems to have grown up with this inability to set boundaries. It's so interesting to note how this phenomena appears identical, on the surface to the enlightened state Ken Wilber identifies in his book 'No Boundary' but which, ironically, appears to signal the direct opposite of self-awareness..!
That's profound and so true. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much . Great video.So useful. Grateful.
you are a good man Carl. love your work and i use them as prompts for a mens group i run online. i make sure you get full credits and post the link!
Thank you! I'm glad you find my video's helpful to your men's group.
Very clear and direct. Love how you get to the point.
Thank you, Vivica! Best wishes!
One of the best videos on this topic.
Thank you!
Thank you very much for the succinct yet informative video.
You're welcome, Sandy!
You explained very clearly in this short video. Thank you very much. It helps me a lot and now I am helping my another friend who has boundary issues.
Thank you for your kind words. Best wishes!
Wow. He hit a nerve. 1:01 thru 1:22. That is me now...and that was my childhood.
Thank you. It helps to understand and to help others in my family.
You're welcome, Elena! Best wishes to you.
You made it so clear . Thank you very much
You're very welcome, Mahmood! Best wishes!
Learn to let go for feeling responsible for other adults because that responsibility belongs to them.
Thank you for the clarity you bring.
You're welcome!
Well, just heard the whole thing, and it all sounds like he knows my life situation...
Best wishes in your recovery!
This was very clear.... Thank you!!
You're welcome!
I really enjoyed this video, thanks for sharing!
You're welcome!
This has always been a weakness of mine because I never had a clear sense of realistic boundaries. I could never make decisions that had any kind of permanence or life-long implication, and could never take a stand because I typically could see both sides of an argument. I feel like my kids have lost faith in me and don't necessarily feel protected because of my lack of confidence and forgetfulness. They are very responsible kids, both personally and socially and don't have unacceptable addictive habits. My weakness comes from not enforcing expectations of maintaining a clean house and their responsibilities. We all need to share in the upkeep and errands that need to be done. I need to find a non-confrontative way to approach this because my conditioning is to explode with any signs of attitude or resistance. I'm working on it . :(
You sound like a great mom. We all have expectations of who we want our kids to be, but darn if they don't turn out to be themselves. As far as a non-confrontational way to communicate with them: "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean." check out this video: ruclips.net/video/F0A-cIZBKQ4/видео.html
I love that quote! Is it yours? I wanted them to be their own person. My daughter has many of my qualities (good and bad), my son is "tolerant" of me, and disappointed in my lack of empathy when he would come home with stories of people that upset him. Because I was bullied when I was a kid, I wanted to spare him the angst of being a victim of that (he was and still is very sensitive) I would say "what did you say to them or do about it"? Wanting him to develop some tools to defend himself. Turns out, all he wanted was for me to say "I'm sorry you had to bear that, that must have been difficult". He's not a real huggy kinda guy. I'm working on this. He's angry with me for his dad who is still in pain from me leaving him. They were 6 and 5 when I decided I had been manipulated for the last time with the suicide threats. I always had their best interest at heart, but lacked the compassionate, nurturing because I was always busy and worried in my head "am I doing the right thing". I moved them away from their dad so the toxic verbal abusive pattern wouldn't continue with the kids. Ironic that I am a massage therapist but my son is uncomfortable with touch. He shared with us a few years back that he is gay and in reflection, it made sense of many struggles I had with him when he was younger. I'm going to make a laminated sign for the back of my car with the quote. Is that ok? One of the traits that people criticize me for is "the way I say things". I guess I'm too harsh at times without realizing it. Being the Aquarian that I am, I never want to hurt anyone but my INFP behaviors offend those that don't take the time to understand me. Be well, Carl and find peace in knowing that your intentions are being well received and very much appreciated. I will check out your site.
Thank you! I did not create that saying. A client shared it with me. I learn a lot from my clients.
Antenna, I love it.
Thank you. Very helpful.
Earl Grey You're welcome!
Brilliant and clear explained.Would it be possible that you make a video about narcissistic parents?
Thank you, Mrs. Butterfly. I'm glad you found this video helpful. I will put your suggestion on my list, but don't hold your breath because the list has grown quite long. Thank you for the suggestion.
@@Serenityonlinetherapy Thank you very much for your prompt replay.I watch and rewatch all of your videos and do take notes in my journal. Very insightful indeed.
I LOVE YOU
Very nice and helpful thanks
You're welcome!
Thank u so much 😊🙏
You're welcome, Nishant!
I listened twice. I'm not very familiar with healthy boundaries. I'm wondering what some examples are before there are problems, for example, before a bully screams in your face. Or does having a healthy boundary usually refer to making a change whenever something goes wrong? I'm struggling to figure out how to word this. I guess I'm very curious for specifics about what some boundaries healthy people address. Or at this point, do I just work on the most egregious violations? IOW how do I know what boundaries should be set; are normal. I've listened to a few videos and there seems to be an assumption that we know what's healthy. tyvm
Nice question! I see some boundaries as universal, such as telling someone it is not acceptable for him or her to hit you, verbally abuse you, lie to you or there will be serious consequences to the relationship. Other boundaries are more personal, such as don't smoke around me, don't call me that nickname, don't touch me that way, don't bother me when I'm in the bathroom getting ready for a night out, take your shoes off when you enter my house, or don't tell people I have an anxiety disorder. In order to set boundaries, you must 1) know yourself well enough to know what you like and don't like, and 2) must value yourself enough to stand up for yourself in a relationship. All healthy relationships have boundaries. However, sometimes you must set boundaries with strangers or people who are not friends. For example, someone keeps asking you out even though you've made it clear you do not want to go out with him or her.
In a unhealthy abusive relationship, what do u do when a boundary is violated?
Terrence, you create distance from that person until he or she decides to respect your boundaries.
+Counselor Carl .............Many thanks for yr prompt reply.......
+Terrence Adaman You're welcome!
great video thank you
Angie knox. You're welcome! Best wishes!
what that mean ?
please tell me in one sentence !
can i get a true love ??
It really is nice when unhealthy people are out of my life..
great video thanks a lot carl
Thank you!