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In response to Mike's question about pregnancy being particularly triggering for an FA - for me HUGE HUGE HUGE yes. I do have general fears around getting into a committed relationship, losing myself, feeling trapped etc. but I can see a possibility of me doing that. The idea of getting pregnant, having a child is such an amplified fear that I just cannot see it in my future at all. Ive learnt a lot about myself (mainly through Thais' work) and I know that I'm a perfectionist and derive much of my sense of worth from strength training, being in the gym etc. I have very intense fears of not being able to work out, losing all the progress I have made, being trapped at home and not able to enjoy my hobbies, being abandoned by my partner while pregnant and being forced to deal with everything on my own, losing my freedom and independence, resenting my child for being the source of all this... I also feel as a woman, that you are so much more shunned for taking a step back from parental responsibilities than the father is (not that I condone either parent doing this) but this also plays into my thoughts on the matter. The ONLY thing that has given me a small glimmer of my mind being more open to the idea of being a mother is seeing all the mum athletes in the Olympics this year. How inspiring to see these women come straight back from pregnancy to do what they love. So yes Mike, some FA's really struggle with the fear of pregnancy
My ex walked away from me when I told him I was late. It turns out i was not pregnant but the fact that he never even talked to me about his fear was so traumatic. What’s worse is he was all to happy to continue being intimate with me after he ghosted for a couple of weeks but would never have a conversation with me about time tables. I cut off the intimacy and he is insisting we be friends but won’t see me in person and has reverted back to inconsistent communication which he knows is so triggering to me. So I now no longer communicate with him. He avoids any talks although when I tried ending it he asked to talk the next day but that talk never happened. This has been the most painful relationship of my life, but at least I am so much more aware of my inner wounds and can advocate for myself better as well as communicate in a more vulnerable way.
How he shown up with the accident pregnant scare, darling you deserve so much better from that alone and everything else keep growing and working on becoming better and more secure I’m proud of you!
Dated a FA for 4.5 years the first 2.5 years were ok..the last 2 were hell felt like I was walking on eggshells never good enough to please my ex partner. I was an AP so had a lot of issues myself but thank god for that relationship now I’m secure and learned so much to know how to deal with other attachments ☺️
Another great podcast. I am sort of (or very) black and white and a little stubborn. I have been skipping videos about FA's because I did not think the information applied to me. Well, I do have many of the traits and I a thankful that your wonderful conversations are extremely enlightening and helpful and honest and respectful and courageous. Lin
I am a healing FA and I love these podcast episodes. I notice that a lot of the solutions that you discuss in this one seem to be describing a dynamic between an FA and a more secure attachment style. Most of my relationships have been with other FAs and that makes the solutions discussed here seem ultra idealistic.
Congrats on your healing journey and with watching these videos it shines the light on the path that we can grow and work through this. I have struggled with being Anxious/Avoidant and self reflect all the time to try to work past it with the help of my therapist.
Has anyone noticed with time they can become secure with one individual and even keep that person in their life, but when they let another new person in, the old insecurities and internal work has to be done all over again.
Time can heal things if active work is being done. The question that has to be asked is why did they see the need to let someone new in to the relationship to cause that damage? Our minds can forgive but we don't forget so we tend to file things in our mental filing cabinet but it never goes away. You are justified in feeling that way but that is the hard journey of working towards being securely attached.
Loving this content and finding it so insightful and beneficial. In part two pls could you touch on how some of these things might play out in friendships for FAs. I’m FA and relating a lot of what you said here to friendships over the years. Thanks
How can they need constistancy and transparancy when they have issues with it themselves? How can they say they want calmness and peace of mind when they make the relationship chaotic all the time? My FA partner went from being fearful, loving and wanting closeness, to becoming avoidant and ghosting me for months. I gave him a second chance and everything seemed fine and he really wanted commitment, a future together and closeness this time and he was really considerate and loving and started to open up more and more and telling me how he felt and he reached out to me by himself more often. But now he's getting avoidant again, he's closing himself off again and he's pushing me away. He's ignoring my messages (but reading them) for the last 2 days. It's making me feel really loneley, unloved and heartbroken. The prospect of him possibly ghosting me again for a longer period is something I will not be able to cope with once again. I can not go through that again. It was so devestating....
How to know whether they are fearful avoidant, or it’s adhd like limerance drop, or they need more reassurance - but if you give them that it makes them more secure so they become more avoidant !!! I mean I even think I am FA and have adhd - so I don’t know whether it’s him or me! He is so secretive though, no social media, openly said he doesn’t trust people, won’t be manipulated etc gets too jealous in relationships but also said his two relationships failed because he cheated !? Very suspicious, curious, said he needs a connection before anything can happen (I took it as this was for safety purposes as in needs to know everything about someone first) Since I’ve been trying to help him trust me through some video messages, he now acts a bit like I am the lucky one to have met him! 🤦♀️ and I do like him and deeply care about him, his humbleness made me feel so emotional at times
Sounds like this is a bit of self projection from the trust and lack of communication skills thus the cheating and then fearful that someone will do what he did to others. I faced this and its not a fun situation and requires soo much professional help. The moment you make a bad choice you will get labeled as un trusting and they might run. The acting of you being lucky to have met him seems some what ego centric and curious if there is Narcissism there. Seems some couples therapy might be in order if you progress this relationship and address everything early on.
I still wonder if my ex was a narcissist or an FA. We are in NC. I texted him and deleted his number. He didnt read my message, but the next day he went to the store where my siblings work, bought something small he can get everywhere and didnt talked to them. He read my message the day after. Can someone explain this behaviour?
Could you sometime talk about the FA lite version? Maybe I was secure leaning FA? I don't relate to the big outbursts and threatening to leave, but I am definitely hypervigilant without trying (always aware of the needs of others, but rarely realize my own), taking on work that could be shared. I'm not doing it to seek approval like an anxious person, I just see stuff and take care of it...hmm...probably because I don't trust that others will even notice it. (Now I tell myself not my circus, not my monkeys.) Still working on the FA core wounds of not worthy of love or attention and I am bad (I catch them when I hear my thoughts and correct them.) I sometimes think I'm going to become DA because as an introvert, I enjoy alone time and have rarely asked others to soothe me through emotional abuse, loss, and heartbreak. I talk to friends and family to vent, but only am truly soothed alone. By crying it out on my own and giving it to God. Another topic.. how does birth order affect attachment styles? The parentified oldest child is probably FA?? How do Myers-Briggs types correlate with attachment? I'm INFP (mediator) Ok. I'm back.. after listening to full episode. Yeah, I have clearly been primarily FA until 4 years ago when I started listening to Thais. Now, I am changing that. Thank you for all you do!
@@lovepeace8918Definitely not AP! 😂 I have added more to my now very large comment. It takes great patience for me to sit with my AP daughter and another friend. I actually feel they are too needy, but I try to listen over and over.
@@joannemcclelland5271 yeah, maybe that's what I am too. FA leaning secure. I definitely appreciate DA men, I understand them and they usually open up to me. Strangely, I still can't figure out what style my ex-husband is. Covert narcissist for sure, but his attachment was mostly anxious with me. We were married for 18 years, divorced 4 and I still don't feel like I ever knew him.
Take advantage of our Boxing Week Sale! Get personalized courses, live webinars & Q&As, and more for FREE for 7 days!
attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/dream-life?Dr2hSc&el=youtube
30 seconds in and im already in the corner. You’re just talented at this
In response to Mike's question about pregnancy being particularly triggering for an FA - for me HUGE HUGE HUGE yes. I do have general fears around getting into a committed relationship, losing myself, feeling trapped etc. but I can see a possibility of me doing that. The idea of getting pregnant, having a child is such an amplified fear that I just cannot see it in my future at all. Ive learnt a lot about myself (mainly through Thais' work) and I know that I'm a perfectionist and derive much of my sense of worth from strength training, being in the gym etc. I have very intense fears of not being able to work out, losing all the progress I have made, being trapped at home and not able to enjoy my hobbies, being abandoned by my partner while pregnant and being forced to deal with everything on my own, losing my freedom and independence, resenting my child for being the source of all this... I also feel as a woman, that you are so much more shunned for taking a step back from parental responsibilities than the father is (not that I condone either parent doing this) but this also plays into my thoughts on the matter. The ONLY thing that has given me a small glimmer of my mind being more open to the idea of being a mother is seeing all the mum athletes in the Olympics this year. How inspiring to see these women come straight back from pregnancy to do what they love.
So yes Mike, some FA's really struggle with the fear of pregnancy
My ex walked away from me when I told him I was late. It turns out i was not pregnant but the fact that he never even talked to me about his fear was so traumatic. What’s worse is he was all to happy to continue being intimate with me after he ghosted for a couple of weeks but would never have a conversation with me about time tables. I cut off the intimacy and he is insisting we be friends but won’t see me in person and has reverted back to inconsistent communication which he knows is so triggering to me. So I now no longer communicate with him. He avoids any talks although when I tried ending it he asked to talk the next day but that talk never happened. This has been the most painful relationship of my life, but at least I am so much more aware of my inner wounds and can advocate for myself better as well as communicate in a more vulnerable way.
How he shown up with the accident pregnant scare, darling you deserve so much better from that alone and everything else keep growing and working on becoming better and more secure I’m proud of you!
Dated a FA for 4.5 years the first 2.5 years were ok..the last 2 were hell felt like I was walking on eggshells never good enough to please my ex partner. I was an AP so had a lot of issues myself but thank god for that relationship now I’m secure and learned so much to know how to deal with other attachments ☺️
Another great podcast. I am sort of (or very) black and white and a little stubborn. I have been skipping videos about FA's because I did not think the information applied to me. Well, I do have many of the traits and I a thankful that your wonderful conversations are extremely enlightening and helpful and honest and respectful and courageous. Lin
I am a healing FA and I love these podcast episodes. I notice that a lot of the solutions that you discuss in this one seem to be describing a dynamic between an FA and a more secure attachment style. Most of my relationships have been with other FAs and that makes the solutions discussed here seem ultra idealistic.
Congrats on your healing journey and with watching these videos it shines the light on the path that we can grow and work through this. I have struggled with being Anxious/Avoidant and self reflect all the time to try to work past it with the help of my therapist.
Dating an avoidant who isn’t working on themselves is a no go for me. Will never date one
Has anyone noticed with time they can become secure with one individual and even keep that person in their life, but when they let another new person in, the old insecurities and internal work has to be done all over again.
Time can heal things if active work is being done. The question that has to be asked is why did they see the need to let someone new in to the relationship to cause that damage? Our minds can forgive but we don't forget so we tend to file things in our mental filing cabinet but it never goes away. You are justified in feeling that way but that is the hard journey of working towards being securely attached.
Loving this content and finding it so insightful and beneficial. In part two pls could you touch on how some of these things might play out in friendships for FAs. I’m FA and relating a lot of what you said here to friendships over the years. Thanks
The DA doesn't reassure the FA,
but FAs still end up with a DA, in my experience.
I think it's the elusiveness of the DA which is attractive.
Ya'll really do a great job doing these videos..very helpful
How can they need constistancy and transparancy when they have issues with it themselves? How can they say they want calmness and peace of mind when they make the relationship chaotic all the time? My FA partner went from being fearful, loving and wanting closeness, to becoming avoidant and ghosting me for months. I gave him a second chance and everything seemed fine and he really wanted commitment, a future together and closeness this time and he was really considerate and loving and started to open up more and more and telling me how he felt and he reached out to me by himself more often. But now he's getting avoidant again, he's closing himself off again and he's pushing me away. He's ignoring my messages (but reading them) for the last 2 days. It's making me feel really loneley, unloved and heartbroken. The prospect of him possibly ghosting me again for a longer period is something I will not be able to cope with once again. I can not go through that again. It was so devestating....
Thank You Thais 🙏
Love this channel. I’ll come back later to finish this video
How to know whether they are fearful avoidant, or it’s adhd like limerance drop, or they need more reassurance - but if you give them that it makes them more secure so they become more avoidant !!!
I mean I even think I am FA and have adhd - so I don’t know whether it’s him or me!
He is so secretive though, no social media, openly said he doesn’t trust people, won’t be manipulated etc gets too jealous in relationships but also said his two relationships failed because he cheated !?
Very suspicious, curious, said he needs a connection before anything can happen (I took it as this was for safety purposes as in needs to know everything about someone first)
Since I’ve been trying to help him trust me through some video messages, he now acts a bit like I am the lucky one to have met him! 🤦♀️ and I do like him and deeply care about him, his humbleness made me feel so emotional at times
Sounds like this is a bit of self projection from the trust and lack of communication skills thus the cheating and then fearful that someone will do what he did to others. I faced this and its not a fun situation and requires soo much professional help. The moment you make a bad choice you will get labeled as un trusting and they might run. The acting of you being lucky to have met him seems some what ego centric and curious if there is Narcissism there. Seems some couples therapy might be in order if you progress this relationship and address everything early on.
Never share phone access like that. That's a disaster waiting to happen.
I still wonder if my ex was a narcissist or an FA.
We are in NC.
I texted him and deleted his number.
He didnt read my message, but the next day he went to the store where my siblings work, bought something small he can get everywhere and didnt talked to them. He read my message the day after.
Can someone explain this behaviour?
Could you sometime talk about the FA lite version? Maybe I was secure leaning FA? I don't relate to the big outbursts and threatening to leave, but I am definitely hypervigilant without trying (always aware of the needs of others, but rarely realize my own), taking on work that could be shared. I'm not doing it to seek approval like an anxious person, I just see stuff and take care of it...hmm...probably because I don't trust that others will even notice it. (Now I tell myself not my circus, not my monkeys.) Still working on the FA core wounds of not worthy of love or attention and I am bad (I catch them when I hear my thoughts and correct them.) I sometimes think I'm going to become DA because as an introvert, I enjoy alone time and have rarely asked others to soothe me through emotional abuse, loss, and heartbreak. I talk to friends and family to vent, but only am truly soothed alone. By crying it out on my own and giving it to God.
Another topic.. how does birth order affect attachment styles? The parentified oldest child is probably FA??
How do Myers-Briggs types correlate with attachment? I'm INFP (mediator)
Ok. I'm back.. after listening to full episode. Yeah, I have clearly been primarily FA until 4 years ago when I started listening to Thais. Now, I am changing that. Thank you for all you do!
You sound more like AP Anxious Preoccupied
@@lovepeace8918Definitely not AP! 😂 I have added more to my now very large comment. It takes great patience for me to sit with my AP daughter and another friend. I actually feel they are too needy, but I try to listen over and over.
I only have input on the 1 aspect - I'm an FA - and INTJ
@@LastEarBenderI am FA leaning secure ISFP. All my relationships are with DA INTJs. I adore them.
@@joannemcclelland5271 yeah, maybe that's what I am too. FA leaning secure. I definitely appreciate DA men, I understand them and they usually open up to me. Strangely, I still can't figure out what style my ex-husband is. Covert narcissist for sure, but his attachment was mostly anxious with me. We were married for 18 years, divorced 4 and I still don't feel like I ever knew him.
Wow, 20 ads in less than an hour😢
I’m an FA. Only listening to conversations about trust triggers my fear of trust with the person I’m dating now. This topic is so sensitive to me 💔
My FA husband cheated on me when I was in the early stages of pregnancy with our 1st child
I am ferarful avoidant.